Granny Mildred Lynch and Tim Buck II Esq. Partner to Buy the Mount Delusion Ski Resort in Bovina Center at the County Delinquent Property Auction Installment II of a tweet story by @Scatoma The Pepacton Watershed’s Premier Satirist “I’m not a cynic, I’m a careful observer” Mildred Lynch aka “Granny”: a retired CIA assassin who lives in rural Hamden, NY, where she raises Dorset sheep and runs embroidery and vanity press side businesses. She is a stalker whose fixation on retired NBA legend, Rik Smits is eclipsed in installment two by her simultaneous obsessions with Todd Palin and Sean Hannity. “There’s two sides to every woman,“ she explains “and each side should have a man to take care of it, preferably at the same time.“ In this second installment she partners with Tim Buck II Esq. to buy the Mount Delusion Ski resort. Tim Buck II Esq.: An Oneonta, NY attorney who represents arrested college students in public urination and capital murder arrests. He is trying to overcome rumors he is carrying out an affair with the local DA. He claims to be a childhood friend of Paul Ruebens of Pee Wee Herman fame. He begins invoking his 1/64 Mahican ancestry and begins wearing a red Mohawk. In installment II, he buys the Mount Delusion Ski Resort with an eye towards buying out Granny Lynch, his partner, with his “hush revenue” and opening a small “1/64 Indian Casino” there called “Mahican Some”, a place for small percentage Mahicans to meet, gamble and inter-marry impulsively. Lenny Slackjaw: a stoner SUNY Oneonta student from Long Island who discovers a vast community of politically moderate separatists headed by Moldy Stump secretly living in a labyrinth of underground tunnels beneath the mountains from Bovina Center to the Soccer Hall of Fame in Oneonta, where a secret passageway exists in a broom closet. Moldy Thump aka “Moldy Stump”: a wealthy industrialist related to Catskill Mountain native and Robber Baron, Jay Gould. Moldy conceals his moderate political views by going incognito as “Moldy Stump” Using this alias he recruits an army of mild mannered citizens of bland habits and viewpoints to drop out of the partisan world and live underground. The DA: A Catskill Mountain-area District Attorney who conceals his homosexuality from the voting public. He is being prodded into a future run for New York Attorney General by Vladmir, Ronnie Bobbins former PR wingman. Like Vladmir, The DA is a graduate of Yale and a member of Skull and Bones. The DA pays Tim Buck II Esq. monthly “hush revenue” to suppress public knowledge of their previous affair. Vladmir: A Bonesman obsessed with using others to achieve world domination. Scatoma: An underachieving upstate NY writer. His only publishing credit is in an historical journal--- a short biography of an ancestor known to be The Minstrel Song King of the Nickelodean Era. Scatoma lives in a sportsman shack built too close to the river and drives a Suzuki Esteem which he tries to improve with louvers. He becomes financially indebted to Granny in installment one and is compelled to help her carry out an ill-contrived plan to promote her publishing business by convening a literary symposium at the Buckslayer Motorlodge. Dooley: Proprietor of “Dooley’s Pizza” of Andes, NY. He is an early advertiser on Scatoma’s Twitter account. He later lobbies Scatoma to obtain a catering contract for Granny’s symposium. He is an expectant father in installment two after Donna Martin artificially inseminates herself with his genetic material. Donna Martin: a resident of Buffalo, NY who was inspired to remain chaste after Tori Spellings’ character on 90210 of her same name does so. Donna writes an inspirational autobiography and is selected to speak at Granny’s symposium, where she bills herself as “The hottest virgin over the age 35 in America.” In installment two she moves to the Pepacton Watershed, where she plans to raise her child. Officer Vandersomethin: An Oneonta police officer who uses night vision goggles he smuggled home from the Gulf in his underwear in ‘91 to arrest drunk college students for public urination. Dr. Egor: A transplant doctor who replaces Granny’s middle finger with a bionic one taken from an androgynous “bisexual” prostitute android that ran amok and needed to be dismantled. “Tantra Bea” Ledbetter : Granny’s older sister and author of two early treatises from the 1950’s on female sexual pleasure. She is called upon in installment one to present a lecture at the symposium amid Scatoma’s protest of nepotism. She is Ned’s grandmother. Pappy: An Amish farmer of ill-repute and Don of a backyard shed empire. He is the target of government probe. His assets are seized under RICO statutes. As a result he is forced to live in exile in a land of poor soil and bleak tourism. Juan Carlos: An illegal alien from Mexico who provides sheep shearing services to Granny. He also is Granny’s Mary Kay supplier and is a font of skin care knowledge. Ned Ledbetter: Granny’s nephew. An aspiring TV writer who had a script optioned once. He is initially engaged in installment one to present a lecture at the symposium. Ned has more followers than Scatoma on Twitter and Scatoma derides him as a purveyor of haughty unhelpful advice. Smidgen: A documentary filmmaker believed to be a leprechaun who Granny hires to film Winter Fest at Mt. Delusion Lodge for a reality TV pilot. Lucy aka “Cindy” Goosey: Granny’s daughter, mother to Chuckie. She is large, strapping woman of Amazon proportions. She is a major hashish dealer in Orange County, NY. In installment one she sends Chuckie to stay with Granny for the summer after she breaks her leg. Chuckie Goosey: Granny’s grandson. He is 6’-5” and 300lbs at 7 years-old. Chuckie’s father forges his birth certificate in installment one to make Chuckie eligible to the CFL draft. Chuckie is drafted by the Edmonton Eskimos before the scheme is revealed. Ronnie Bobbins: An internationally known self-help author who promotes gaining wealth through cheesy lawsuits, pulchritude for men, and the elimination of sleep. In installment one he is the top headliner engaged to lecture during the symposium. He is prone to public relation gaffes, yet he has grown tired of close PR management by his “wingman“ Vladmir. Grizzly Pete Adams: Owner of a small tour bus company. He is Grizzly Bob Adams’ twin brother. He is called upon in installment one to provide bus service to assist Granny’s enterprise. Grizzly Bob Adams: a Vietnam veteran who provides unlicensed family therapy from a hovel on the top of Slide Mountain in the central Catskills. AmishRage: An Amish teenager who sneaks off the farm to text, get tattoos and score with Goth chicks. Despite first-hand experience with these interesting, potential writing subjects, AmishRage is preoccupied with writing a lousy fictional work called “Dukes of Intercourse,” an Amish version of Dukes of Hazard involving rebellious horseman leaping their buggies over the state highway. He is the grandson of Pappy, the Amish shed Don. AmishRage dates a Goth chick who belongs to a punk band in Oneonta, NY called “Eliot Spitzer for President”. He becomes the band’s drummer. Farmers Gone Soft: A radical off-shoot of Future Farmers of America. They advocate discontinuing use of farm animals for food while simultaneously preventing the animals from going extinct. In installment one the group becomes involved in protesting treatment of Pappy’s draft horse. The group’s motto is “When Animals Hate Mankind, Mankind Is Left Friendless” represented by the acronym: WAHM-MILF Larry the Genital Wart Ad Actor: An actor hired by someone in installment one to pose as an author writing a story similar to Granny’s life in order to scare her. It is later feared that he was murdered. Like The DA and Vladmir, Larry is a member of Skull and Bones. At one point Granny believes Larry is a CIA man sent out to tighten her up. _____________________ Granny Mildred Lynch & Tim Buck II Esq should have done their research before partnering & buying a broken down ski resort on Mount Delusion. Granny didn't bother reading the description of the property's liabilities carefully thinking her attorney partner had done so & signed off. The two thought they were getting a salvageable ski facility that could be restored to operational status before Christmas. However it was clearly expressed in the auction literature that the previous owner, Moldy Thump, had destabilized the entire mountain that Moldy had been engaged in illegal mining for years in obsessive pursuit of treasure using refurbished aqueduct borer machines And that it was unlikely engineers could ever clear the property for returned use to skiing due to the likely threat of massive cave-ins. In fact Moldy was last seen skiing with a group of coeds in 2003 before the mountain suddenly opened up & swallowed the group into an abyss The only witness to survive this was on acid at the time but he swore this was the one people-swallowing abyss he saw that was genuine. It wasn’t until spring, after the snow pack was gone, that a part of Lenny Slackjaw’s story was corroborated. A small crevasse was found beneath the ski trail, but exploration of it was prohibited by the state. This was because a rare species of bat from Indiana had taken up residence there and it was worried that any exploration might disturb their breeding. Lenny was pissed, said if only he could be so lucky as those bats in keeping his roommate out when he was with his girlfriends.