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The Quantum of Missus Guide to the James Bond Films

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THE QUANTUM OF MISSUS GUIDE TO THE JAMES BOND FILMS Bond : Barry Nelson as CIA agent “card sense” Jimmy Bond Villains : Le Chiffre (Peter Lorre) Allies : Valerie Mathis Clarence Leiter Locations: France Villain’s Plot: Le Chiffre intends to win at baccarat in order to make money for the USSR The one with: black and white TV show Bond : Sean Connery Villains : Dr. No Allies : Honey Ryder (Ursula Andress) Felix Leiter (Jack Lord) M (Bernard Lee) Miss Moneypenny (Lois Maxwell) Sylvia Trench Gadgets: Geiger counter Locations: Jamaica Villain’s Plot: Jamming US and Soviet rocket controls and communications on behalf of SPECTRE and to get revenge for his seeking employment with both superpowers being declined. Theme song : James Bond Theme, Three Blind Mice, Under The Mango Tree The one with: the woman in the white bikini coming out of the sea; Bond being a “very nerrr-vus passin-jurr” Bond : Sean Connery Villains : Ernst Stavro Blofeld (unseen) Rosa Klebb “Red” Grant Allies: Tatiana Romanova Kerim Bey M Major Boothroyd/Q (Desmond Llewelyn) Miss Moneypenny Gadgets: Briefcase containing gold sovereigns, knife, exploding capabilities, compact rifle and ammunition Locations: Istanbul, Venice Villain’s plot: Recently defected SMERSH agent Rosa Klebb is charged by Blofeld, head of SPECTRE, with carrying out a plot to embarrass the Russians and the British by (a) stealing a coding machine from the Russians and (b) filming Bond having sex with the Russian cipher clerk who, believing she is working under Moscow’s orders, will entice him to Istanbul on the possibility of obtaining the coding machine. Theme Song : From Russia With Love by Matt Monro The one with: the Gypsy women fighting, the sewers of Istanbul, the Orient Express, Red wine with fish, Grant’s garotte watch Rosa Klebb’s poisoned switchblade shoes Bond : Sean Connery Villains: Auric Goldfinger Oddjob Allies: Pussy Galore Felix Leiter (Cec Linder) Jill Masterton M Q Miss Moneypenny Gadgets: Tricked out Aston Martin DB5, Locations: Miami, Switzerland, Kentucky Villain’s Plot: Goldfinger intends to irradiate all the gold in Fort Knox in order to increase the value of his own holdings. Title song: Goldfinger by Shirley Bassey The one with: Bond unzipping a wetsuit to reveal white evening dress, “Positively shocking”, Bond’s blue terrycloth shorty dressing gown, Jill Masterton being suffocated by being painted gold, Bond knows all about brandy, the golf match, Oddjob’s steel rimmed bowler hat, the pull-back-and-reveal sniper on the winding mountain road, machine gun toting old woman gatekeeper, the “laser” beam: “Do you expect me to talk?” “No, Mr Bond, I expect you to die”, Goldfinger’s huge model of Fort Knox and surrounding areas, Pussy Galore’s sexual preferences being altered by a kiss from Bond Pussy Galore’s flying circus Electrocuting Oddjob against the bars in Fort Knox The bomb countdown timer being stopped at “007” Goldfinger being sucked out of the aeroplane window Bond: Sean Connery Villains: Ernst Stavro Blofeld (unseen) Emilio Largo Fiona Volpe Allies : Domino Petachi Felix Leiter (Rik Van Nutter) Patricia Fearing Gadgets: Jet pack, Miniature oxygen tank, underwater camera Locations: The Bahamas Villain’s Plot: SPECTRE steal two nuclear missiles by bribing a pilot to undergo plastic surgery and threaten to destroy a major US or UK city unless a ransom of $100 million dollars is paid. Bond tracks the missiles to the Caribbean via recognising and befriending the bribed pilot’s sister. Theme song : Thunderball by Tom Jones The one with: the 1980s remake (Never Say Never Again) the jet pack, the electrocuting chair at the villain’s meeting, the health spa (but not the one with Bomber from Auf Weidersehn, Pet), Bond forcing himself on a spa worker but she ends up liking it, so it’s OK (it’s not OK), the baddie with the eyepatch, the carnival, the long underwater sequences Bond : David Niven (Sir James Bond) Villains : Le Chiffre (Orson Welles) Dr Noah (Woody Allen) Agent Mimi Vesper Lynd Allies : M (John Huston) Miss Moneypenny aka James Bond 007 (Barbara Bouchet) Agent Cooper aka James Bond 007 “The Detainer” aka James Bond 007 Evelyn Tremble aka James Bond 007 Mata Bond Gadgets: Video equipped watch, sleeping pills Locations: Scotland, Swinging London, East Berlin, Casino Royale Villain’s Plot: With a successful programme of eliminating western agents via sex well underway, SMERSH seek to discredit James Bond’s celibate image, raise funds by selling compromising photographs of military leaders and, ultimately, use biological warfare to make all women beautiful and kill all men over 4 foot 6. Le Chiffre is also seeking to win a game of baccarat at Casino Royale in order to cover up his embezzlement of SMERSH funds. Theme song : Theme from Casino Royale by Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass, The Look of Love by Dusty Springfield, Have No Fear Bond Is Here by Mike Redway The one with: the retired James Bond, M’s castle with his widow and 16 daughters replaced by SMERSH agents, The self-driving milk float, Peter Sellers as baccarat expert Evelyn Tremble, refusing to appear in the same shot as Orson Welles Bernard Cribbins as a taxi driver Ronnie Corbett as a robot A psychedelic torture scene ending with Lynd massacring everyone with machine gun bagpipes and Chic Murray shooting Orson Welles through a TV set A giant flying saucer landing in Trafalgar Square (the apogee of the 1960s, cinema, culture and the history of Britain, if not Western Civilisation itself) Dr Noah’s pop-art HQ under Casino Royale The big fight at the end and Dr Noah counting down to the ultimate explosion of his own atomic pills Bond : Sean Connery Villains : Ernst Stavro Blofeld (Donald Pleasance) Helga Brandt Allies : Aki Kissy Suzuki Tiger Tanaka Dikko Henderson M (Bernard Lee) Q Miss Moneypenny (Lois Maxwell) Gadgets: Pocket-sized safe combination decoder, Little Nellie (portable helicopter), Dart firing cigarettes Locations: Japan Villain’s Plot: Working for an unnamed superpower, SPECTRE steal US and Soviet rockets from outer- space in order to provoke a war between them, allowing the unnamed superpower to achieve world domination. His death having been faked to give a new element of surprise, Bond traces the launches of the third-party rockets to the sea of Japan. Theme song : You Only Live Twice by Nancy Sinatra The one with: Bond being shot and seemingly killed in the pre-titles M’s office in a submarine The fight at Kobe docks Bond and Tanaka being bathed by beautiful women : “In Japan, men come first and women come second”, “Don’t get soap in my eye” Bond “yellowing-up” to go undercover as a Japanese fisherman and getting married The hollowed out volcano lair with piranha pool Our first sight of Blofeld Bond : George Lazenby Villains : Ernst Stavro Blofeld (Telly Savalas) Irma Bunt Allies : Tracy di Vicenzo, later Bond Marc-Ange Draco Sir Hillary Bray M Q Miss Moneypenny Gadgets: Enormo-sized safe combination decoder with incorporated photocopier Locations: Portugal, Corsica, Switzerland Villain’s Plot: Blofeld sets up an aversion and allergy treatment centre in the Alps where patients’ cures are dependent on them using hypnosis. Blofeld intends to hold the world to ransom by threatening to use his hypnotised patients to release a virus that will destroy all crops and farmed animals. Blofeld’s price is immunity for all past crimes and recognition as the rightful claimant to the title of Compte de Bleuchamp. Theme song : On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (instrumental) by John Barry, We Have All The Time In The World by Louis Armstrong, Do You Know How Christmas Trees Are Grown by Nina The one with: “the other fella” Diana Rigg Bond resigning after being removed from the hunt for Blofeld The mountain top villain’s lair Bond impersonating Sir Hillary Bray in full highland dress The stock car race The bob-sleigh fight Bond getting married Mrs Bond being shot on the way from the wedding Bond : Sean Connery Villains : Ernst Stavro Blofeld (Charles Gray) Mr Wint and Mr Kidd Bambi and Thumper Allies : Tiffany Case Plenty O’Toole Felix Leiter (Norman Burton) Willard White M Q Miss Moneypenny Gadgets: fake fingerprint, “zorbing” ball, Locations: South Africa, Amsterdam, Las Vegas Villain’s Plot: Blofeld sets up an international smuggling ring to supply him with diamonds necessary to focus a laser satellite weapon. Blofeld uses the weapon to destroys nuclear installations in China, the Soviet Union and the United States, then proposes an international auction for global nuclear supremacy… Theme song: Diamonds Are Forever by Shirley Bassey The one with: Blofeld duplicates “Right idea…” “…but the wrong pussy” Bond knows all about sherry Miss Moneypenny undercover as a customs officer The lift fight in Amsterdam Bond almost being cremated Q using gadgets to win on the slot machines Klaus Hergershiemer, G section, checking radiation sensors The moon buggy chase Bond trapped in a pipe Bond’s shorty salmon pink tie The oil rig final confrontation The cruise ship finale The funniest script : “If God had meant man to fly, Mr Wint…” “He would have given him wings, Mr Kidd” “Weren’t you a brunette when I came in?” “Which do you prefer?” “Oh, as long as the collars and cuffs match…” “Who’s the stiff?” “My brother.” “I got a bruddah” “Small world” “I’m Plenty” “But of course you are” “Plenty O’Toole” “Named after your father perhaps?” “I’m afraid you’ve caught me with more than my hands up.” “If I destroyed Kansas the world may not hear about it for months” Bond : Roger Moore Villains : Mr Big/Dr Kananga Tee Hee Baron Samedi Allies : Solitaire Felix Leiter (David Hedison) M Miss Moneypenny Gadgets: Locations: Harlem, “San Monique” (island in the Caribbean), New Orleans Villain’s Plot: As Prime Minister of San Monique and underworld king-pin, Kananga/Big controls a large supply of heroin to the United States.
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