Faith Reason Culture of Life Order the Conference Talks from the 2011 St

Volume 14 Number 8, July/August 2011 $5.50 “The one thing that is never taught by any chance in the atmosphere of public schools is this: that there is a whole truth of things, and that in knowing it and speaking it we are happy.” —G.K. Chesterton

Faith Reason Culture of Life Order the Conference talks from the 2011 St. Louis, Missouri Conference! Or download them from www.chesterton.org

the american chesterton society

Qty. Dale Ahlquist (President of the Qty. Dr. Pasquale Accardo (Professor of Qty. Leah Darrow (Former contestant on the American Chesterton Society) Developmental Research in Pediatrics reality TV show America’s Next Top Model) at Virginia Commonwealth University, The Poetic Prophet, and author of several books on medicine, The Mysticism of Modesty The Prophetic Poet literature, and detective fiction) and the Poetry of Purity

Qty. Christopher Check (Executive Vice The Christian Epic of Qty. Dale Ahlquist President of the Rockford Institute) Freedom – Chesterton’s The Chesterton and Lepanto: The Battle Ballad of the White Horse Father Brown and the Poem Redd Griffin (Instructor at Triton Qty. Qty. Eleanor Bourg Nicholson College and founding director of the Qty. Carl Hasler (Professor of (Assistant executive editor of Dappled Philosophy at Collin College) Ernest Hemingway Foundation) Things and assistant editor for the Saint Austin Review, and editor of the Chesterton: A Battling for Elfland: Ignatius Critical Edition of Dracula) Franciscan Thomist? Chesterton and William Butler Yeats Damned Romantics: Qty. Robert Moore-Jumonville (Professor Chesterton, Shelley, Poetry, of Religion at Spring Arbor University Qty. John C. “Chuck” Chalberg (Actor and columnist for Gilbert Magazine) who specializes in G.K. Chesterton) and of course, Vampyres

Qty. Dr. Tod Worner (Doctor of Paying Attention: The The End of the Armstice Internal Medicine, and Lecturer on Poetry of Prayer the History of World War II)

Single Talk: $6.00 each OR order the Complete set of CDs for $60.00 (save $6) Cigar-Smoking Prophets: Shipping and Handling: $3 for 1st disc, plus $1 for each additional disc; conference bundle $10 Chesterton and Churchill

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4 |:Tremendous Trifles: Story, darn it! Story! Chesterton’s Bloodthirsty Heirs by Daniel Collins by Steve Miller 5 |:Lunacy & Letters: The Coldness of Chloe Sleuths Saved From Obscurity by Kara Heyne 7 |:EDITORIAL: by Chris Chan A Message for the Home The Father Brown Casebook 30 |:the Ballade of Gilbert: by Steve Miller 8 |:Straws in the Wind: A Ballade of Bad Beer The Intolerable Thing by G.K. Chesterton 42 |:Book Reviews: by G.K. Chesterton The Father Brown Reader II 31 |:Chesterton University: Reviewed by David Paul Deavel 10 |:ALARMS AND DISCURSIONS: Chesterton’s Pulpit The Lost Arts of Modern What is the most Chestertonian The Illustrated London News 1905-07 Civilization book you’ve ever read that Volume XXVII of The Collected Works of G.K. Chesterton Reviewed by John M. DeJak was not by G.K. Chesterton?

14 |:Chesterton Academy Report: 32 |:The Signature of Man: 44 |:the Distributist: Chesterton Academy H. M. Bateman The Immigrants Still by Emily de Rotstein by G.K. Chesterton Believe in God, Part II by Richard Aleman

18 |:SCHALL on CHESTERTON: 33 |:the Flying Inn: On the Safest Way to Drink Hunting 46 |:Chesterton’s Mail Bag: James V. Schall, S.J. by David Beresford From Mr. Nicholson re: Marriage

19 |:Rolling Road: 34 |:the Flying STars: 48 |:News With Views: Bury Me Under a A Good Mystery Christian Stone by Nancy Carpentier Brown 50 |:Letter to America: by Dale Ahlquist The Old Vigilance 35 |:Jogging with G.K.: by G.K. Chesterton 22 |:Tales of the Short Bow: A Circular Argument Food for Thought by Robert Moore-Jumonville by James G. Bruen Jr. A Bedtime Story 37 |:All I Survey: by Kelsey McIntyre I Don’t See Why It Has to Be That Way by David W. Fagerberg 26 |:All is Grist: Home Invasions by Joe Campbell 38 |: the Detection Club: Trick or Treat Divorce Court Tango by James G. Bruen Jr About the Cover: The Chesterton Academy by Walt Sarafin Report Page 14

Publisher: Dale Ahlquist, President, ACS eDITOR-IN-CHIEF: Sean P. Dailey art DIRECTOR: Ted Schluenderfritz literary EDITOR: Therese Warmus COPY EDITOR: Susan Meister

Senior Writer: Art Livings ton Contributing Editors: Richard Aleman, David Beresford, James G. Bruen Jr., Nancy Carpentier Brown, Joe Campbell, John C. Chalberg, Christopher Chan, David Paul Deavel, David W. Fagerberg, Kyro Lantsberger, Art Livingston, Robert Moore-Jumonville, James V. Schall SJ “News with Views” Editors: Nathan Allen, Mark Pilon, Larry Pavlicek, Joseph Grabowsk, Leo Schwartz subscriptions: (See Coupon Page 6) Credit Card Orders: call 1-800-343-2425 or fax 1-270-325-3091 letters and Articles: Gilbert Magazine, American Chesterton Society, 4117 Pebblebrook Circle, Minneapolis, MN 55437 [email protected] www.gilbertmagazine.com Letters to the editor may be edited for length or clarity.

Gilbert Magazine is published every six weeks by The American Chesterton Society, a non-profit corporation established under Paragraph 501(c)(3) of theU .S. Tax Code. Donations to the American Chesterton Society are tax-deductible in the United States. Your contributions help support the publication of Gilbert Magazine. Please send your donations to: The American Chesterton Society, 4117 Pebblebrook Circle, Minneapolis, MN 55437. The views expressed by Gilbert Magazine contributors are not necessarily those of the publisher, the editors, or the American Chesterton Society.

Gilbert Magazine Outlining Sanity 3 : T r e m e n d o u s T r i f l e s : by Sean P. Dailey

he 2011 G.K. Chesterton Conference is now history, Chesterton’s masterpiece of rhyme and meter but full coverage will be in the next issue of Gilbert and storytelling, The Ballad of the White Magazine. In the meantime, you can relive it—or years100 ago Horse, was published. It is the one of the live it for the first time—through recordings of all great epics of English poetry, and perhaps Chesterton the talks. You can order CDs using the ad on the insideT front cover, or order directly from www.chesterton. should have written only it and nothing else, because his org. Mp3s of the talks also are available for download. critics have actually complained that he wrote too much. Start planning for next year’s conference, to be held One anonymous reviewer, however, admitted that this in Reno, Nevada! age has been too timid and too grudging to acclaim great- ness, but Chesterton deserves the distinction, and this is ¶¶One of the speakers at this year’s conference was “a book to stir the blood and exalt the mind with the great Leah Darrow, who spoke on “The Poetry of Purity.” gusto of living.” Leah is the great-grand-niece of Clarence Darrow, whose biographer Kevin Tierney repeats the familiar story of the Darrow-Chesterton debate before a packed house at the good idea. And it is old.” Warstler quotes from the Wiki- Mecca Temple in New York City in 1930. As the audi- pedia definition of Distributism (wikipedia.org/wiki/ ence listened to Darrow explain his unquestioning faith in Distributism) that ends with the Chesterton maxim, “Too science (which, according to Tierney, was as naive as any much capitalism does not mean too many capitalists, but literal fundamentalist’s faith in the Bible), a power failure too few capitalists.” cut off the microphones. While Darrow waited helplessly for repairs, Chesterton brought a roar from the crowd by ¶¶A commentator on the American Chesterton Society’s shouting, “You see, science is not infallible!” [Darrow, Facebook page writes, “Discovered Chesterton through New York: Crowell, 1979, p. 360] reading about C.S. Lewis’s influences. Finished Napoleon of Notting Hill and am reading Orthodoxy. I’ve never read ¶¶If you have not checked out Paul Nowak’s Web site, The from an author who summed up human beings in such a Eternal Revolution, you should. Paul is a Chestertonian who beautiful and accurate fashion.” may be the only other person on earth attempting to do what Dale Ahlquist does: earn his bread solely by promot- ¶¶Parting Trifle: Lots of ink and cyberspace has been ing G.K. Chesterton. Paul sells Chesterton-inspired T-shirts, spilled analyzing the London riots of early August. Few books (The Way of the Christian Samurai and The Incon- people noticed, however, that heirs of Adam Wayne were venient Adventures of Uncle Chestnut), and games. Or, one on hand to defend innocent people against the marauding game: Uncle Chestnut’s Table Gype. What is Table Gype? barbarians. And in London’s Notting Hill neighborhood, “In his Autobiography, G.K. Chesterton mentions ‘the no less. As reported by The Telegraph, “Chefs and wait- well-known and widespread national game of ers leapt to the defence of members of the Gype’, which he and H.G. Wells invented,” Have a Trifle? Send it to public enjoying an evening at The Ledbury, Paul writes. “Specifically, Chesterton men- [email protected] an upmarket restaurant in Notting Hill, tions ‘I myself cut out and coloured pieces of London. Thugs and rioters armed with bats cardboard of mysterious and significant shapes, the instru- and wearing hooded tops forced their way into the two ments of Table Gype; a game for the little ones’. Almost 100 star restaurant before demanding diners hand over their years later, Eternal Revolution has published Table Gype as wallets and wedding rings. But staff and others fought an abstract strategy game with a random element.” back with kitchen tools before leading customers into the Uncle Chestnut’s Table Gype won the 2011 Mensa wine cellar for protection.” Gilbert Magazine founding Select Award earlier this year. Learn more at www.eternal- editor Ronald McCloskey, who sent us this story, writes, revolution.com. “I went back to see who Adam’s allies were: there was the barber, the curiosity shop man, the toy-maker, and some- ¶¶The Revolution Continues: over at the Web site big- one who came on board because he was ‘in the middle’ government.com, writer Morgan Warstler exhorts Tea of those shops. Couldn’t find kitchen workers, but Adam Partiers to give a serious look at Distributism. “Back would have taken them on, I’m sure.” We are sure, too, before FDR, there was a real economic theory that has and we have to wonder about those chefs and waiters: did died and we need to resurrect it, pat it on the back, and their faces flame with something god-like, as they turned cheer for it like we cheer for Rick Perry. It was called to be struck by the sunrise? Distributism. Yes, yes, I know it sounds like something And for those of you not familiar with the references, a commie would cough up while we were waterboarding it is high time you read Chesterton’s The Napoleon of him. It is an ‘ISM.’ Fear not. It really is an old-fashioned Notting Hill.

4 Volume 14 Number 8, July/August 2011 : L u n a c y & l e tt e r s : from Gilbert Magazine Readers

he Catholic bishops of England have decided to restore the prac- Defense of the Obscure Jude tice of requiring abstinence from T Three children hung in Jude the meat on Fridays. For Catholics who Annual G.K. Chesterton Conference in Obscure, have grown accustomed to avoiding Saint Louis, but it saddens me to know Repugnant image, hard to endure: fish, this measure might often lead to that the “Same Sex Marriage” editorial It’s Nietzsche’s malicious aim eggs or schism. will go down in Gilbert Magazine his- To Trinity and Chalice maim. Colin Burke tory with a sentence fragment. Port au Port, Newfoundland Julie Bertagnolli John Quintero Springfield, Illinois Carson City, Nevada ; ; ;

Dale Ahlquist responds: “Sentence fragments. ; ; ; eading the story by Grettelyn Sort of like missing links.” Nypaver, “Imaginary Twin,” had an Ethics of Elfland moment brought back memories of a happy R ; ; ; the other day. My son, 6, asked me, and fun-filled childhood. “Dad, what’s that thing that hangs My sister and I are the youngest I was inspired to write something in down the back of my throat?” in birth order, and our brother Bill is reaction to the little lament about “Um, a uvula,” I said. the closest in age, being five and seven Jude the Obscure by Lofton Strand of “Uvula?” years our superior. He had devised a I Marcell, Minnesota (a clerihew in the “Yes. Does it make you gag when method of ignoring our requests by May/June issue). If you find it insuffi- you touch it?” stating that he was not Bill but his cient for Gilbert Magazine, at least get “Yes,” he said, and he smiled, as twin brother, Bob. When we would ask it to Lofton so he knows he “moved” if he’d just thought of some new sort Mom if the story were true, it was so someone. I think Hardy was making of weapon. absurd that she would not answer. He an observation and comment on some Ed Smith used her silence to prove the veracity heavy issues of modern Immanentism. Orono, Maine of his “twin” scheme. (I think she was secretly enjoying the ingenuity of her youngest son.) Of course, our story was not as dramatic as Nypaver’s. It ended when we put away childish things. Thanks for jarring my memory and bringing a smile to my face. Clara Sarrocco Glendale, New York

; ; ;

enjoyed reading Dale Ahlquist’s editorial on “Same Sex Marriage” in the I May/June 2011 edition of Gilbert Magazine but there was an editing error in the fifth paragraph. You published Dale’s sentence fragment when he was discussing the “gay gene.” “Sort of like the Missing Link who is still missing” shouldn’t have gotten past your keen editorial eye. I’ll let it go this time only because I really enjoyed myself at the 30th

Gilbert Magazine Outlining Sanity 5 Whodunit Theology: Chesterton for Today ;;I resent this surrender to small Father Brown on sects in the matter of classification...I murderers and idealism protest against the power of mad minorities to treat the majority as if it “I am talking of the sort of ideal such were another minority. But still more a man thinks of if he really tries to do I protest against the conduct of the be idealistic. It was his whole game majority if it surrenders its representa- with me to be as idealistic as possi- tive right so easily. (Illustrated London News, ble; and whenever that is attempted Jan. 1, 1927) by that sort of man, you will gener- ;;The bigot is not he who knows he ally find it is that sort of ideal. That is right; every sane man knows he is sort of man may be dripping with right. (“The Anarchist,” Alarms and Discursions) gore; but he will always be able to tell you quite sincerely that Bud- ;;It is the vice of any patriotism or dhism is better than Christianity. religion depending on race that the individual is himself the thing to be Nay, he will tell you quite worshiped; the individual is his own sincerely that Buddhism is ideal, and even his own idol. (“The Way of more Christian than the Desert,” The New Jerusalem) Christianity. That alone is enough to ;;Orangemen have behaved like throw a hideous Chinese devils to the Catholics. But so have white men behaved like white and ghastly ray of devils to black men. (New Witness, Sept. 30, light on his notion 1915) of Christianity.” other theory against it—even the wild ;;The man who despises the dark theory by which the world would be races is despising Man. The man who destroyed. (Illustrated London News, March 2, 1929) despises the Dark Ages is also despising Man. (Daily News, Jan. 12, 1906) ;;Men do not become sinless by receiving a post in a bureaucracy. (Pref- ;;I hope we have heard the last of ace to Divorce vs. Democracy) the muddled discontent of worldly people, who curse the Church for not ;;The moment we agree to do any- saving the world that did not want to thing we begin to disagree about it. be saved, and are ready to call in any (“Written in the Sand,” The Apostle and the Wild Ducks)

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6 Volume 14 Number 8, July/August 2011 : e d i T o r i a l : A Message for The Home

“Finance wields an immediate and immense power; but it is economy anymore than the home economy can borrow to like the power of a spell or spoken charm. The victim of the absorb the cost of everyday necessities. magician…is always partly to blame for his own paralysis.” The other real problem is our failure to admit the ship —G.K. Chesterton is sinking. Finance capital kept the magic going but the illu- sion couldn’t mask an unworkable system. Just as socialists n the summer of 1979, President Jimmy Carter gave refused to admit the unsustainable and ubiquitous effects a prophetic speech, appropriate for today, warning of of socialism, capitalists continue to present our condition a crisis of confidence in the United States, striking at as an aberration, rather than capitalism’s natural course. the very heart and soul of a nation slowly forgetting Once again, we propose that the real answer is to its purpose. Threatened with losing our identity, our chuck the false band-aids (raise the debt ceiling, cut Iunity, and our faith, we were cautioned by President Carter taxes) and look forward to another model that will strip against replacing the value of “what one does” with “what our nation of its addiction to consumption and lessen the one owns.” President Carter feared the worst: the worship expenses and proportion of the State. G.K. Chesterton of consumption eroding a country once characterized by promoted such a system. It is called Distributism. sacrifice, thrift, and spiritual pursuit. According to Russian Let’s ask ourselves a few questions. Can we honestly author Alexander Solzhenitsyn, this materialism menaced say that Left and Right thinking are really meaningful? the West and could not be recommended as an alternative Should we continue to look to the Beltway and Wall Street to the material troubles in the East. Our rally cry of “eat to solve our problems, or is our future best served by and drink; for tomorrow we shall die” silently chips away at decentralized, local economies? Can we take seriously the our spiritual foundations, blurring our definitions of needs criticism, “an economy run by Christian principles would and wants at the expense of our souls. destroy both the economy and the reputation of Christian- What happened? Here is part of the problem. In the ity,” given that our secular economy is doing a great job early 1970s, productivity soared while wages stagnated for of eliminating both? Isn’t it time to consider another path, the one-income family. In the years that followed, more one truly reflective of our faith and virtue? family members were put to work to compensate. But by As J.R.R. Tolkien reminds us, these are difficult times— the 1980s, what we thought was prosperity was actually but they are chosen for us. Just as our grandfathers once plastic, and by 1998, the family wage officially flat-lined. faced hard choices, let us be remembered as the men and But finance “generously” helped us shop the excess supply women who resurrected the economy of “many small places of goods and services. Consumer credit flowed like a river. and many local heroes.” We can choose a dawn where Houses were bought and flipped at such an alarming rate the lives of the unborn are protected and big families are that prices shot up five times their value. By the time our cherished, where our neighbors are seen as “Christ…lovely debt exploded, it was clear that our system burned credit in eyes not his,” and politics is guided by millions of human to feed the locomotive of consumption. In 2007, the aver- faces. We want an economy highlighted by the rights of age household debt per person reached $45,000. That God, advanced by the virtues in our minds and the prayers same year the family’s percentage of disposable income in our hearts. Tomorrow we will thrust charity against appe- dropped to its lowest levels since prior to the Second World tite, and although our numbers are small, men and women War. Low wages, the rising costs of housing and education, everywhere will rebuild with “the breastplate of faith and and debt trampled the household. charity, and for a helmet the hope of salvation.” Today, our $14 trillion debt (and recent downgraded Memories are short but the families who rise to meet credit rating) is buzzing from the Beltway to Starbucks. But these challenges will remember, to the envy of those who political ideologues cannot see the trees for the forest or stayed behind, and they will tell our posterity how today the forest for the trees. The debt isn’t really a problem. Our and the next, through sweat, tears, and fidelity, our broth- inability to pay it is the problem. As author John Médaille ers and sisters cheerfully shouted, “How thou pleasest, God, shrewdly points out: dispose the day!” This is the rallying cry of those who do Our problem is not with the debt, but with jobs and with not suffer disadvantages under the conditions of justice the balance of payment accounts. If the 15 million looking for and where the unequal conditions of men and women are work had work there would be no problem with the debt. But advantageous. And like a bridge, we will wrap our arms instead, this meaningless debate has kept our real problems off together with the poor, no longer trampled by political half- the agenda. truths so distant from the fullness of faith, a faith so broad and yet so beautifully narrow, truth so majestic and glori- The real problem is that the less we manufacture, the ous, and language so joyful and peaceful, that its champion less we employ people to do the work. No production and is a lamb. no jobs mean no revenue. And without income, government turns to finance to cover its operations and the social —Richard Aleman, for the editorial imbalances. A non-productive nation cannot sustain a debt board of Gilbert Magazine

Gilbert Magazine Outlining Sanity 7 : s T r aw s i n t h e W i n d : dangerous to us, but much more An Essay by G.K. Chesterton dangerous to them. But I know I do not dislike Jews (as many people really do); for I have had many Jewish friends from preference ever since my boyhood. The majority of the Squires, Non- conformists, and Jews I have met have been good people and good company; The Intolerable Thing and even when they were bad I had neither the virtues nor the vices that by G.K. Chesterton tend towards hating them. Never having for an instant supposed myself like writing for this paper, because the healthiest, most rural form, almost to be shrewd, I have no faint sense of it is the most revolutionary one I the worst system the world ever saw failure if I am cheated; and though I know, even though I do not agree for the purposes of public spirit, and should be annoyed if my supper was with all the revolutions it advo- the public service. But I do not dislike stolen, I should think entirely about cates...Here I ask permission to the kind of man who is a landlord the supper and not in the least about Iindulge in a personal and even egotis- any more than the kind of man who the thief. If you can manage to read a tic explanation. My sympathy with an is a tenant. Aristocracy has ruined few words more you will find that all organ of sheer discontent is a matter England; but it has never amazed me. this self-analysis has a very important of conscience, not a matter of taste. Again, I think the Nonconformists have and impersonal upshot. By temperament I am the reverse of badly crippled Christianity by spread- The fact is that I do not naturally a rebel. The pen of Mr. Belloc, the ing all over England a morality that is resent public swindling any more than pencil of Mr. Dyson, would always be at once narrow and new. But I know private swindling. I begin to be rather used like spears. But my own personal I do not dislike Nonconformists (as sorry for both malefactors when they temper is quite of the contented sort. many people really do); because I have begin to be found out. I would hide In my youth I should have called it constantly enjoyed their society, and in my house a statesman fleeing from being “optimist”; in my second child- found a Pleasant Sunday Afternoon justice as readily as any of the more hood, heaven help me, I may call it positively pleasant. Again, I think the regular criminal class. If a British being “conservative.” Being middle- Jews are at present a terrible political official (supposing that such a thing is aged and still in the possession of problem in Europe—a problem very possible) had trifled with a silver loan, my faculties, I should call it “live and let live.” Quite a swamping majority of the When I was in England recently, I and Chesterton’s initial columns for men and women I have met in my life spent a day at the British Newspaper the Herald were featured on the front I have liked very much indeed. I have Library at Colindale, outside of London, page. It is also interesting that he never met that Ordinary Man who during which time I had the thrill of went from one paper whose politics seems to bore some people so much. finding more than sixty-five previously he didn’t agree with to another paper All the men I have met have been the most extraordinary. Countrymen are uncollected essays by G.K. Chester- whose politics he didn’t agree with. clowns; in the real sense that they are ton. These were written for the Daily But the Herald was obviously happy clever and amusing. Cockneys not only Herald, a paper that represented the to land Chesterton and it gave him the remind me of characters in Dickens; Labour Party, after Chesterton left the freedom to voice his opinions. The they often really remind me of Dick- Daily News. He continued a weekly article reprinted here, while containing ens. Sporting men are often very good column from February, 1913, until his references to contemporary events sport; and even university professors, physical collapse in November, 1914. and personalities that may not inter- especially if drunk or mad, are stimu- These columns are political in nature, est us, still manages to make a point lating to the intellect. I have met good as Chesterton is writing a for a politi- that is quite timely in today’s political people at City dinners, in large hotels, cal paper, and doing so in the wake situation, namely the problem of cor- and in the lobbies of the House of of the Marconi Scandal that affected rupt government officials forcing their Commons. And if ever my merely con- him so personally. It was interesting reforms on the rest of the population. scientious discontent lands me in gaol, I am sure I shall meet good people to note that Chesterton’s switching We also get an unusually personal there—even among the authorities. from the Liberal Daily News to the defense from Chesterton about the I do not dislike people, even when Labour Daily Herald was itself front way he is often misrepresented by I disapprove of them. I think the rela- page news in many other newspapers, some of his critics. —Dale Ahlquist tion of landlord and tenant, even in

8 Volume 14 Number 8, July/August 2011 : s T r aw s i n t h e W i n d :

I would forgive him as instinctively as if he had trifled with the silver spoons. What Did You Learn in School Today? If a politician, threatened with expo- ;;I think I observed somewhere years man, speak with a wisdom and an sure, can be imagined for a moment ago that I could trust the uneducated, authority which are still unsurpassed. as using equivocation and evasion, I but not the badly educated. (Illustrated (“The Poetry of Cities,” Lunacy and Letters) should try to extend to him the same London News, May 22, 1915) ;;The slangy short stories are written charity which I should extend to ;;A subject always seems absolutely by pale men in libraries; the melodra- anyone whom the Attorney General simple while we literally know nothing mas are written by men of the people. was trying to hang by the neck. In about it. (Illustrated London News, July 15, 1916) (“The Eulogy of Robin Hood,” The Apostle and the Wild neither case would it be my impulse Ducks) to pursue a fugitive. For me a Cabi- ;;Most educated people know history net Minister would be as sacred as a in selected sections. (Illustrated London News, ;;The most educational product is convict. I should never tell the police Jan. 16, 1926) Imagination. (“The True Victorian Hypocrisy,” about an escaped convict; and, as far Sidelights) ;;True history should not be divided as all those sentiments are concerned, into periods, but into principles or I am content that the misgovernors of influences. (Illustrated London News, Feb. 20, 1926) men should escape like their fellow- sinners, feeling fully that in this world ;;Like most English boys of my gen- mistakes are punished too much eration, I inherited the speech that rather than too little. Milton spoke and learned it almost But when I am thus moved to entirely out of Mark Twain. (G.K.’s Weekly, mix with mercy our anger against Dec. 5, 1931) those that rule, there is one thought ;;Men who have really read widely, about them that always comes back and certainly men who can write well, and always hardens my heart. I could do not attach a vast importance to pardon all the rest; but there is one reading and writing. (Illustrated London News, thing about them I cannot pardon. It Nov. 20, 1915) can be expressed most shortly in two words—Social Reform. I might, in a ;;The old literatures of the world, weak moment, consent to leave the which are still unsurpassed in the mat- rich alone, if they would leave the poor ters of the mind and the heart, when alone. But these same rulers, when they speak of the spiritual nature of dealing with the faults of the rich, show, to say the least, a very human weakness. When dealing with the man convicted of three small crimes politician means a liberty less to the faults of the poor, they show an inhu- can be kept in prison on suspicion of citizen. I know that these men have man strength. It is a private matter, a crime he has not yet committed. It bred out of their pleasures a poison though debated in public, whether in may be an open question whether the of political insomnia; that they cannot the case of Isaacs or Samuel, brother Attorney General suffered more or less keep their hands off the homes and is joined to brother, and the family is under cross-examination than wit- reputations of the poor; and that far too strong. nesses cross-examined by the Attorney for every year we leave their misde- But it is a plain public matter that, General. But I think we should all meanours unexposed, a string of bad by the Feeble-Minded Bill, brother is agree that both of them hurt less than little Bills will pass silently across divided from brother, and the family is the cat-o’-nine-tails. And it is men the Commons House like a string of broken to pieces. It is a matter of spec- like these who have increased the use black-beetles. I would leave them their ulation whether this or that politician of the cat-o’-nine-tails, even against public vices, if they would promise had threepence less or more through the primary protests of the House of me never to exhibit their public virtue. gambling in (American) Marconis. It Commons. But I become a revolutionist, and am is a matter of fact that thousand of That is the unpardonable sin. If at home only among revolutionists, poor people have threepence less these happy humbugs had any other when their private sharp practice is through gambling in the Insurance Act. hobby but the tormenting of men like supposed to be atoned by their public It is matter of hypothesis whether Mr. flies; if they would only feast on their and philanthropic tyranny. They must Herbert Samuel has been the victim stolen food and sleep on their stolen not imagine they can swindle us on of indefinite suspicion. It is a matter wine—I, for one, should be too sleepy the pleas that they will soon enslave of history that he has made hundreds to rise and stop them. I was not meant us. God may forgive them the sin; but of his fellow-citizens the victims of for a reformer. But I know that every neither God nor man shall forgive indefinite suspicion. For, by the Inde- combination of a rich family means them the reparation. terminate Sentence, which he piloted the rending alive of poor families. I From the Daily Herald, March 29, 1913 through the House of Commons, every know that every license extra to the

Gilbert Magazine Outlining Sanity 9 : ALARMS AND DIS C u r s i o n s : Joseph Pearce, prolific biographer and weightlifter

It’s an easier question to ask than What is the most Chestertonian book you’ve to answer! Question: ever read that was not by G.K. Chesterton? If you mean Chestertonian in the sense of discipleship, it’s probably Dale Ahlquist’s Common Sense 101, or Dale Ahlquist, President of the philosophy, and of the romantic adven- even, paradoxically and perversely, my American Chesterton Society ture of the young boy against evil and own biography of Chesterton, which is ignorance...in some sense, it is a con- written in a style so influenced by its Mr. Blue by Myles Connolly. cealing of the great truths revealed in subject that it’s almost a pastiche! Nowhere does the book acknowledge The Everlasting Man about the grant- G.K. Chesterton, but he seems to ing of a real romance and that mystic have inspired something on nearly rumor he heard in Orthodoxy: “You every page. There is a quotation from will have real obligations, and therefore a poem by Hilary Pepler, a colleague real adventures when you get to my of Chesterton who eventually edited Utopia. But the hardest obligation and G.K.’s Weekly. But the real give-away the steepest adventure is to get there.” of the author’s familiarity with Ches- It is scary to see how much Ches- terton is the phrase “The Tavern at the terton there is in it! End of the World.” The character of Mr. Blue is a thin version of Innocent Smith, who breaks the conventions Eric Scheske, former editor and keeps the commandments, and a of Gilbert Magazine lay version of St. Francis of Assisi, who lives a life of glorious thanksgiving, I have two top candidates: James embracing his Lady Poverty. It’s not Schall’s On the Unseriousness of hard to understand why this book was Human Affairs and John Senior’s The once so popular, then so ignored, and Restoration of Christian Culture. why it is being rediscovered. With respect to Schall, it’s because If you mean Chestertonian in the Chesterton leavens everything Schall sense of precursorship, I would say John Peterson, founding publisher writes, and it’s perhaps most on dis- Dickens’ Christmas Carol or even of Gilbert Magazine play in this book since it emphasizes Wilde’s Picture of Dorian Gray serve the light-heartedness of life. The whole as prophecies of GK’s own sorties The Restoration of Property by book reminds me of the last words into the art of the novel. And as for Hilaire Belloc. The prose of Belloc’s of Orthodoxy (“There was some one precursors of Chestertonian verse, I’d book does not in any way resemble thing that was too great for God to say that the sheer love of words and Chesterton’s writing style. All show us when He walked upon word-play in the poetry of Gerard attempts at that have failed our earth; and I have sometimes Manly Hopkins, and the gratitude and miserably. But the book fancied that it was mystical humility in the presence of expresses Belloc’s views of His mirth”). the wonder of Creation, mark Hopkins Distributism. Those were Senior’s as a precursor of Chesterton’s own identical to the ideas and book, on the poetic muse; except, of course, Hop- ideals held by Chester- other hand, kins’ poetry was not published until ton, and Distributism has a What’s 1918, which meant that Chesterton was central to the social Wrong with was unaware of it. and economic philoso- the World feel This, therefore, is a case of great phy of both men. to it. It recognizes minds and souls thinking and writing the joy of life but alike, not a case of one influencing Peter Floriani (aka also argues that the other. There’s also a premonition Dr. Thursday) we’re in a culture of Chesterton’s Christmas verse in that is destroy- Southwell’s wonderful “Burning Babe”, Without doubt, it ing the joy. It’s a and a wonderful similarity between the is The Phantom Toll- more serious book, poetry of Chesterton and that of Fran- booth by Norton Juster. with a definite cis Thompson, most remarkably in the It has all his verbal tricks, Chestertonian eye latter’s “To a Snowflake.” Regarding all his love of ens and on modernity’s Chesterton’s prose, the shadow of Dr. the depth of Christian spiritual problems. Johnson and Oscar Wilde loom large

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in terms of wit and paradox, and the then you have to read all twenty of Chestertonian use of caricature in his them. Then, for third place, I have to characterization is clearly Dickensian. mention the name of my fellow Jesuit Bernard Basset with his The English Peter Milward, S.J., distinguished scholar Jesuits. I also have to add that oppo- and even more distinguished clerihewist site the title page there is a list of other books by the same author, beginning What a question you have asked with We Neurotics. I know I ought to me! What is the most Chestertonian mention that pair of professors who book I’ve read that wasn’t by Ches- taught me at Oxford in the good old terton himself? At first my mind goes days, C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien, blank. Have I ever read such a book? but their names are too obvious for Then I think not of one but of three your readers. answers. First comes Ronnie Knox enfleshes the entire social dimension with his The Viaduct Murder. That Nancy Brown, ACS blogmistress and of Chesterton. (One of the characters, reminds me of the wag who proposed columnist for Gilbert Magazine Arthur Denniston, is actually called a for the title of his more famous trans- Distributist, by the way.) lation of the Bible: “The Holy Bible, My quick response is a book called Simple Abundance, by Sarah Ban newly rendered into English by R.A. Breathnach. It taught me how to look Nathan Allen, News with Views Knox, author of The Viaduct Murder, for the joy in everyday life at a time editor for Gilbert Magazine and other mysteries.” when I wasn’t so joyful and tended I’ve been thinking about this, and to dwell on the negative. Her book, my answer keeps changing. My current helping one to dwell on the positive, answer is C.S. Lewis’s The Abolition reflects Gilbert’s sense of wonder and of Man, because he deals with a lot of joy at normal, everyday life. the issues that Chesterton cared about: education, the loss of the sense of a James Woodruff, mathematics common culture, and so forth. teacher extraordinaire

The Wind in the Willows is a Sean P. Dailey, editor-in- celebration of the primal things chief, Gilbert Magazine Chesterton loved—Home and That’s easy. The Lord of the Rings Friendship and Adventure—all by J.R.R. Tolkien. From the “small is suffused with a sense of wonder beautiful” ethos of the Shire and the and lived out by characters who universal notion (for the good guys, write poetry and go forth to battle anyway) that “the only defensible war and who eat and drink with right is a war of defense,” to how all the bad good will, full of “great joy and con- guys are all power-hungry industrial- tentment.” It was published the same ists with legions of wage slaves at their year as Orthodoxy! command, The Lord of the Rings is Distributist through-and-through. It is Art Livingston, senior writer and Catholic to its core, just as Chesterton film critic for Gilbert Magazine was Catholic to his core, even before he made it official with his conversion. I would say That Hideous Strength One of the book’s main characters, by C.S. Lewis. This book, rightly Samwise Gamgee, is probably the understood, is the fullest picture greatest Catholic in all literature. Plus, anyone has given of the modern situa- The Lord of the Rings is full of swords. tion, and the happenings at Edgestow You can’t get much more Chesterto- and Belbury are the embodiment of nian than that. all Chesterton’s good fights. GKC could never have written it, but his thought lies all over it. When I first Therese Warmus, literary editor Second comes Ellis Peters with recommended this book to others in for Gilbert Magazine her Brother Cadfael chronicles. Only, 1963, many thought it merely fantastic. Lots of authors can see the univer- when I recommend her, I say “Beware!” Today it looks like headlines, and all sal in the particular, but Chesterton You only have to read one of them and the good journalists on our side reflect saw the particular in the universal—he immediately you become hooked, and that magnificent story, which also

Gilbert Magazine Outlining Sanity 11 : ALARMS AND DIS C u r s i o n s :

defense of wonder, and gives a sug- James G. Bruen Jr., short fiction gestion for developing the capacity writer for Gilbert Magazine: for it. It is respectful of the scholastic tradition (leisure = schole) but at the I would have to say, Mr. Blue, by end he winds up in a liturgical setting: Myles Connolly, 1928. Mr. Blue, the the person who isn’t in the academy title character, does evoke comparison can nevertheless discover this wonder with Chesterton’s Innocent Smith, but through liturgical feasts. And it all he is much more explicitly Catholic goes to make the foundation of a than Smith. Indeed, this thoroughly common life in a humanizing culture. enjoyable, thought-provoking book can be described as Manalive on Ian Boyd, C.S.B., editor of Catholic steroids. the Chesterton Review From memory, Mr. Blue is full of the joy of life and gives thanks to At the moment, the most Ches- God for creation, lies on his back in tertonian non-Chesterton book I can the dark to study the stars through a think of is Joseph Mitchell’s Up in skylight, wins a lottery and gives the the Old Hotel. The book consists of money away to those he meets, lives sketches of New York people and atop a skyscraper, hosts a jazz session neighborhoods in the thirties and there, flies a kite from the rooftop forties. It is Chestertonian in its to bring joy to others, improves the celebration of the glory of ordinary disposition/outlook of those he meets, people and of ordinary life. Mitch- tries to start a religious order, gives ell complained when someone said his life for others, etc. There are that his subject was the life of “little of course allusions to GKC in the saw the common man even in the Holy people.” The people he wrote about, book. The story is told from a third Family of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph— Mitchell explained, “are as big as you, person perspective by a person who and was able to give that vision whoever you are.” Chesterton would interacts with Mr. Blue intermittently. unbroken to his readers. Whom have have loved this book. Much of it is set in Boston and some you read that could do that? at Boston College (Mr. Blue asks Off the top of my head I would say why the Church hasn’t had another Carlo Collodi, because his Pinocchio Denis Conlon, former chairman of spontaneous flowering of architecture is the story of a wooden puppet more the Chesterton Society in England after the now old Gothic style he sees alive than any boy you could meet, I’m not at all sure that I have there) in years well before I became whose “method” of attaining the ever read a Chestertonian book not familiar with Boston and BC. I highly greatest good he can imagine, that of by GKC, and Chestertonian can recommend the book, especially to becoming real, is to be as bad as can mean many things. Chesterton was Chestertonians. be. How utterly human. And the style exceedingly diverse, but he was always of writing in both Chesterton and Col- instantly recognizable, even on a bad lodi echoes Apuleius’ The Golden Ass day; perhaps especially on a bad day. in the classical tradition: twists and One person (who died young) who turns, with things going from bad to was heading in the right direction was worse and disaster pouring on the gas. Willy Rushton, a great fan of GKC, but, But though Collodi achieves all that let’s face it, GKC was inimitable. I have mentioned in connection with Chesterton, the degree is simply wanting. Sorry. No can do. James Schall, S.J., Georgetown professor and columnist for Gilbert Magazine David Fagerberg, Notre Dame professor and columnist for Gilbert Magazine I would have to say that I have never read a book by anyone who I tend to associate all my favorite was not Chesterton that was Chester- books with being Chestertonian. One tonian. There are many good books I’ll suggest is a favorite, and I’m read- about Chesterton, but these often ing it with some students in a directed depend on him for their spirit. But readings course right now: Josef the combination of wit, insight, depth, Pieper’s Leisure, The Basis of Culture. lightness, and good humor is unique. His distinction between ratio and intel- We are lucky that he wrote as lectus makes me think of Chesterton’s much as he did.

12 Volume 14 Number 8, July/August 2011 New from ACS Books

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Gilbert Magazine Outlining Sanity 13 learning and create an integrated : C h e s t e r t o n a C a d e m y r e p o r t : curriculum, to put back together what the schools had put asunder, so that students could learn how to Chesterton Academy be complete thinkers (and speak in complete sentences). They wanted to by Emily de Rotstein counter the prevailing cultural trend that was anti-life and anti-family. And Emily de Rotstein is the Executive through physical and emotional finally, they wanted to solve one of the Director for both the American changes and grappling with most scandalous problems of modern Chesterton Society and Chesterton life’s biggest questions. It is a education: its catastrophic costs. The Academy. —Pub. crucial time to learn the Chesterton Academy was the result. “permanent things,” the Naming the school for G.K. Ches- ore than one genuinely unchanging terton was an obvious decision for hundred years standards by which every- many reasons, not just because one of ago, G.K. Chesterton pointed thing else is measured and against its founders is more than a little con- out that education was in a which they can test every idea they nected to Chesterton. In Chesterton’s state of decline and disar- encounter both now and later. The vast prophetic view of education he repre- Mray, and that everyone knew it. The majority of today’s high schools are sents the ideal of the complete thinker. astonishing thing is that schools were doing nothing to serve young people in He is also a defender of the Faith, and in far better shape at that time than this giant task. of the very traditions that we have they are now. Most students studied Rather than sit around complaining neglected to the point of our present Latin and the Classics. They were about this problem, two men decided demise. G.K. Chesterton epitomizes amazingly well-versed in Homer, Dante, they had to do something about it Catholic joy. and Shakespeare. They could write themselves. They had all the motivation The school opened its doors in coherent essays with good grammar they needed: they were parents. the fall of 2008 with just ten students; and sophisticated literary allusions. Dale Ahlquist, President of the the following year it had twenty. In its They could solve complicated math American Chesterton Society, and third year, it had forty-two students. problems on paper, or even in their small business owner Tom Bengtson This year, over sixty students will be heads, that would cause most of got together and founded a new high enrolled, and the school is drawing today’s students to look around for school. As Catholics, they knew first of national and even international atten- their calculators. all that the faith must be the foundation. People from around the country The inability to imbue even tion of learning, that all knowledge have contacted us because they want general knowledge to students has must have an eternal reference point, to start similar schools. And we want been compounded by an increasing and that every truth is connected to to help them. The goal is to trans- emphasis on specialization, as students the ultimate Truth. They also knew form education on a grassroots level become narrower in their focus at they wanted to restore classical because, as Dale Ahlquist says, “It is a very early ages. If a student shows an inclination toward the humanities, he is steered away from the sciences and vice versa. Subject matter has become increasingly fragmented and students are learning smaller and smaller bits of it. Unfortunately, our schools suffer from serious problems beyond the lack of content in the curriculum. We have moved from a mere absence of moral unity to a more or less open assault on morality. One wonders if even the far-seeing Chesterton could have imagined high schools with metal detectors at the entrances and contraceptives openly provided to its students. What Chesterton certainly did see is that the entire educational system was bound to keep falling apart because there was nothing to hold it together. During the all-important high school years, young people are going Chesterton Academy: Changing the Face of Education

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calendar includes religious pilgrimages, counseling and preparation for stan- spiritual retreats for the faculty, pro-life dardized tests as students look ahead activities, and fascinating guest speakers. to college. The unity of purpose, the The academy’s ultimate responsi- underlying delight in life and learning, bility is to the parents of its students; the pervading sense of family in the we administrators in turn rely heavily whole operation, and the obvious and on their participation in the school. fruitful results of our efforts are, in a Sports and other extracurricular word, thrilling. activities are all initiated and run by How do we do it? We have a clear volunteers. Parents help with college idea of what we want. We know there

Chesterton Academy at a glace The result of a grass-roots movement of parents, Chesterton Academy is a pro-family, independent high school offering an integrated, college preparatory curriculum centered on the Incarnation of Jesus Christ. Focusing on the classics, the school develops complete thinkers who learn to draw on faith and reason for the purpose of building a culture of life. Chesterton Academy student artwork

Chestertonian principle that any true Chesterton Academy offers: revolution must be from the bottom ;; Well-defined integrated core cur- ;; Mixture of Socratic Method and up, not the top down.” riculum with classical emphasis Lecture format What is the Chesterton Academy model? It begins with a classical, ;; Catholic-centered teaching ;; Regular and committed involve- integrated curriculum. At the risk of ;; Emphasis on general knowledge, ment in pro-life activities and name-dropping, here are some of the not specialization strong ties to established pro-life people its students meet: Homer, Plato, organizations ;; Training culture warriors – defend- Aristotle, Euclid, Virgil, Dante, Chau- ing the Faith and the family and ;; Daily Mass cer, Shakespeare, St. Francis of Assisi, St. Thomas Aquinas, St. Teresa of actively engaging the culture of death ;; Affordable tuition Avila, Dostoyevsky...and G.K. Chester- ton. They study the Old Testament, the New Testament, and the Catechism of Our Purpose the Catholic Church, with some help- The purpose of Chesterton and fashions in almost everything, ful exposure to the Church Fathers. Academy is to nurture the minds and especially in our approach to learn- History, literature, philosophy, and the souls of our children through an ing. As G.K. Chesterton said, “A dead theology are braided together. But the sciences and the humanities are integrated education. We believe thing goes with the stream; only a also intimately connected, so that the that all truths are related to the living thing can go against it.” logic of math is seen in philosophy, central truth of the Incarnation, G.K. Chesterton represents the and God’s handiwork is seen in the Crucifixion, and Resurrection of ideal of a complete thinker but also sciences. Faith and reason meet in Jesus Christ. Faith and reason do of a modern cultural warrior. At every class. Equal emphasis is given to not contradict one another, nor are the beginning of the 20th century, the arts, so that every student learns they to be segregated from one he foresaw and addressed many to draw and paint, sing in the choir, another. Through the study of art, of the destructive trends that have act on the stage, give speeches, and music, literature, language, history, continued into the 21st century. As debate. And learning Latin helps one mathematics, science, philosophy a recognized defender of the faith, a learn English. Each year of studies and religion, we want to prepare our literary genius, and a stellar example builds on the previous, so that by the children to think both rationally and of Christian charity, Chesterton is a end of senior year, students are articu- late, clear-thinking, well-rounded, and, creatively, to defend their faith, to perfect model on which to develop very importantly, joyful human beings. contribute positively to society, and an integrated education. As Chesterton says, “There is a whole promote a culture of life. We are preparing our children truth to things, and in knowing it and We are called as faithful Chris- for both temporal life and eternal speaking it we are happy.” tians to build a Culture of Life, which life: to be good citizens and to Each day at Chesterton Acad- means going against modern trends be saints. emy begins with Mass, and the year’s

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The juniors and seniors stage “La Madre,” a magnificent play about St. Teresa of Avila by Mother Mary Francis is nothing more important than the souls of our children. We know that whatever we do must be done for the glory of God. How do we make it affordable? We have a commitment to frugality. We do not spend money that we don’t have. We keep parents actively involved. We have developed a large network of volunteers. We pay a core faculty full-time salaries, and we supplement this with part-time teachers who are willing and able to share their talents for less. We are also developing “Teach for Christ,” a program for recent college graduates to give of their time for a year, so that we are teaching teachers, as well as students. The mix of full-time, part-time, and volunteers provides a constant freshness, as they all have to stay in close communication with each other to maintain the integrated curriculum. And all teachers take the Oath of Fidelity to the Magisterium of the Catholic Church. We rent classroom space from a school district in a first-ring suburb of Minneapolis, where, as demograph- ics would have it, there are now more The upperclassmen on a thrilling pilgrimage to Rome in March, 2011

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curriculum we want. And we hope that by delivering impressive results, Chesterton Academy will prove to be a model that others can follow. But, yes, we need your help. We invite you to participate in this vital project. Visit our Web site—chestertonacademy.org—where you can learn more about our curriculum or contact us with specific questions. You will also be able to track our exciting venture and see the smiling faces of Chesterton Academy students. G.K. Chesterton once observed that “we are children of light, and yet we sit in darkness.” It is time to start bringing light to what is today the darkest of all places: the classroom. Please support us in this wonderful mission.

The Chesterton Academy Choir, consisting of the entire student body

classrooms than students to fill them. We have found, too, that a science lab can be outfitted for hundreds, not thousands, of dollars. What lies ahead? Our plan is to develop textbooks and teaching plans that can be used by other schools around the country, including home schools. Textbooks do not need to weigh forty pounds and cost $200 each. And they do not have to be Godless. We have already begun adding evening classes (Chesterton Uni- versity!) that not only provide adult enrichment but extra revenue for the school and the faculty. We keep our tuition low but we do provide financial assistance to those with proven need. And while we keep our costs low as well, we still need to supplement our revenue with donations. We are a completely independent school; we receive no financial support from the State or from the Church. This independence, of course, gives us the freedom to implement exactly the kind of Alea Florin and Joe Barron enter history as Chesterton Academy’s first graduates, June 3, 2011

To inquire about the Chesterton Academy model of classical education or establishing a school in your area, contact Emily de Rotstein, [email protected], or call 952-378-1779. To make a donation to support Chesterton Academy, please visit www.chestertonacademy.org/support.

Gilbert Magazine Outlining Sanity 17 : S C h a l l o n C h e s T e r T o n : conditions, by thinking. All the human things are more dangerous than Timely Essays on Chesterton’s Timeless Paradoxes anything that affects the beasts.” The accusation is made that if we drink too much we become like beasts. But Chesterton points out that this is not a problem for beasts. What is called up by excess is not the beast but “the Devil.” “Man is always something On the Safest Way to Drink worse or something better than an animal. No animal ever invented James V. Schall, S.J. anything so bad as drunkenness—or so good as drink.” ore times than I can remem- Chesterton does not deny that Chesterton talks of alcohol as a ber I have cited the passage some folks drink too much. The fact medicine. “Probably the worst way to from G.K. Chesterton con- is some people cannot drink at all. drink is to drink medicinally. Certainly cerning why we do or do not Whether this inability is an issue for the safest way to drink is to drink care- drink beer. I had lost track of doctors alone is pretty much decided lessly; that is, without caring much for Mwhere that passage was in Chesterton. by movements such as Alcoholics anything, and especially not caring for But by chance the other day, I took Anonymous, which recognize the spiri- the drink.” This observation brings us out a copy of All Things Considered. tual dimensions of the problem. What to Chesterton’s famous advice about In this collection we find the famous bothers Chesterton is the thesis that drinking. “If we made drinking open essay, “Wine, When It Is Red.” As since some folks cannot drink alcohol and official we might be taking one far as I can tell, this essay uses the in any form, therefore no one else step towards making it careless. In word wine but twice. The essay is should drink beer or wine. such things to be careless is to be mostly about beer, though whisky is “The real difficulty which con- sane; for neither drunkards nor Mos- mentioned. fronts everybody, and which especially lems can be careless about drink.” The Chesterton brings up the doc- confronts doctors, is the extraordi- drunkard cannot drink anything and tors who are against what is called nary position of man in the physical the Muslim cannot allow anyone else “alcohol.” He notes that this word is universe.” Man is more than a body. to drink anything. from the Arabic. “It is interesting to Man’s “body has got too much mixed What is behind all this is the good- realize that our general word for the up with his soul, as we see in the ness of created things that are to be essence of wine and beer and such supreme instance of sex.” We are one used sensibly for what they are. To be things comes from a people which has being, body and soul, intended, as the sane is to be free to use good things made particular war upon them.” In Resurrection teaches us, to belong in a goodly way. To be mad is to allow fact, Chesterton wonders whether the together forever. Christianity is merely no one to use anything good lest he do Muslim antagonism to wine is rooted an explanation of how this belonging something wrong. We cannot bypass in the Christian doctrine about what together is possible. our freedom by making good things happened at the Last Supper. Chesterton grants that it is “unnat- responsible for our sins. The “extraor- Chesterton distinguishes “alcohol” ural to be drunk.” He then adds: “But dinary position of man in the physical as a generic liquid from drink. No then in a real sense it is unnatural to universe” allows him to choose from one at a tavern really asks for a drink be human.” This reflection is profound. among the abundant good things that of “alcohol.” “It is quite a mistake It recalls St. Thomas Aquinas: “Homo are given to him, those that facilitate to suppose that when a man desires non naturaliter humanus, sed super- his freely reaching his supernatural end. an alcoholic drink, he necessarily humanus est.” Fully natural man never The safest way to drink is to drink desires alcohol.” We distinguish to existed. All of our kind are created for carelessly so we may enjoy things understand. eternal life, a gift not due to our nature. for what they are, in as much as they The example Chesterton uses It is said that the intemperate man are. “Let a man walk ten miles steadily to make his point is one I am fond “wastes his tissues in drinking.” This on a hot summer’s day along a dusty of citing. “Let a man walk ten miles seems obvious enough until we read English road, and he will soon discover steadily on a hot summer’s day along further, “but no one knows how much why beer was invented.” Why wine is a dusty English road, and he will soon the sober workman wastes his time red or why it is invented, Chesterton, discover why beer was invented. The by working.” This passage is shades of in spite of the title, does not tell us in fact that beer has a very slight stimu- Aristotle on leisure. The highest things this essay, except to hint that it too is a lating quality will be quite among the are beyond work, however necessary delight to be drunk carelessly and not smallest reasons that induce him to work is in this life. because it is a medicine, even though ask for it. In short, he will not be in “No one knows how much the St. Paul seems to have suggested that the least desiring alcohol, he will be wealthy philanthropist wastes his a little of it is good for the stomach, desiring beer.” tissues by talking; or, in much rarer which it probably is.

18 Volume 14 Number 8, July/August 2011 : R o l l i n g r o a d : My first stop was at Downside Abbey in Stratton-on-the-Floss. The abbey features a Gothic church in Bury Me Under A the medieval style, but it was built in the nineteenth century, a revival that Christian Stone once seemed impossible since it was by Dale Ahlquist illegal to build Catholic Churches in England for more than three hundred arrived in England on the 110th Inn was a Kentucky Fried Chicken res- years. This in a country where every anniversary of the wedding of taurant. A minute later I looked to my church was once a Catholic Church. Gilbert and Frances Chesterton. At right and saw another familiar sight, At Downside, the Benedictine monks Heathrow airport, I immediately got but one I had only seen in pictures: practice the ancient faith that is still into a car and was driven over the Stonehenge. living and breathing and not a mere IRolling English Road. I would eventu- The prehistoric gathering of rocks museum piece. One of the monks I ally get to London, but it would be that is Stonehenge is famous because met there was Dom Phillip Jebb, who several days before I arrived there, and, it has survived more or less by acci- is the grandson of Hilaire Belloc. true to Chesterton’s poem, I started dent. Tourists walk in circles around After a short and serene spiritual out by going in the opposite direction. it, but they are not allowed to touch it. retreat at the Abbey, which included While rolling along, gazing at the After about ten minutes of that, I sup- time spent on my knees in the beauti- glorious hills and fields and forests pose the only thing left to do is to eat ful church while the monks chanted of the rural English countryside, I some fried chicken at KFC. But on my the liturgy of the hours, I did some glanced to my left and saw the oddest journey over the rolling English road, I research in their famous library. I also of sights: a Holiday Inn. In front of it found something much more impres- sat at table with them, and during the was a statue some fifteen feet tall, in a sive than Stonehenge, something that times we were allowed to talk (there kneeling position with arms raised to has survived in spite of deliberate are times and places of silence) I the sky. Around its head was a garland attempts to destroy it, and it is some- enjoyed sparkling discussions with the of flowers. It did not strike me as a thing that everyone can touch. It is the monks, who were as interested in me Christian image. Next to the Holiday Catholic Church. as I was in them.

Dale with Dom Phillip Jebb, the grandson of Hilaire Belloc, in the library at Downside Abbey

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Inside the abbey church are the tombs of several fine former abbots and bishops, including one who is now a saint: Oliver Plunkett. He predates the abbey, and certainly took the rolling road before being finally allowed to rest here. As Archbishop of Ireland, he was falsely accused of treason in 1681 and taken to London where he was hanged, drawn, and quartered at Tyburn. What was left of him was taken to Germany, but he eventually came to Downside, where a beautiful shrine has been built to this coura- geous martyr. From there I took a bus and a train to visit Fr. Ian Ker in the marvel- ously intact medieval village of Burford, about twenty miles north of Oxford. St. John the Baptist Church is a majestic millennium-old church in the heart of Burford. “But for Henry VIII,” explained Fr. Ker, “This would be my church.” Yes, it’s an Anglican parish. “They don’t even know what it’s for.” His own church is a humble affair built by Irish laborers only sixty years ago. We discussed the reaction to his new biography of Chesterton. The book has been both praised and reviled in the English press. Fr. Ker, the renowned Newman scholar and Oxford professor, is not used to being controversial. But I assured him that the critics who have attacked the book are not attacking him, and they are not even attacking the book: they are attacking G.K. Chesterton. They want him to go away. But Chesterton is not going away. John Snelling (center) presented Dale with an original drawing of He is coming—even coming to his Chesterton by Sir James Gunn. Dale in turn presented it to Martin Thompson native England. There were two confer- (right), chairman of the G.K. Chesterton Library in Oxford. ences in Oxford that weekend devoted to Chesterton. The G.K. Chesterton Ker, the incomparable Lynette Bur- triple portrait of Chesterton, Belloc, Institute sponsored a conference rows, and some guy from America who and Maurice Baring that hangs in the focusing on The Ballad of the White runs a literary society. Lynette talked National Gallery. Mr. Snelling’s gift was Horse. Very appropriate, since as one about Chesterton’s phrase, “the Divine an especially generous gesture because of the speakers, Dr. Brian Sudlow, boomerang,” which she finds very he knew exactly what I intended to pointed out, the great poem is about useful: our attempts to cast off Natural do with it. I announced that I could remembering what has been forgotten, Law come back and hit us. not take it back to America with me especially the forgotten God. It occurs For my talk, I simply strung because it belonged in England, and I to me that this is precisely why there together more than one hundred and turned around and presented it to the is a move, both subtle and overt, to thirty Chesterton quotations that G.K. Chesterton Library, which will keep Chesterton forgotten. He keeps can be considered prophetic. At the soon have a permanent home in the reminding us of the God we have conclusion, a lovely gentleman named Oxford Oratory. It was fun to own the forgotten. John Snelling was wheeled forward, drawing for one minute. The other Oxford Chesterton and he presented me with a most I had wanted to get to the cem- conference was sponsored by the Ches- valuable and stunning gift: a framed etery in Oxford where C.S. Lewis is terton Society of England. Chaired by drawing of Chesterton by Sir James buried because the thing about Clive is William Oddie, its speakers were Fr. Gunn made as a study for his famous that he is no longer alive, but the only

20 Volume 14 Number 8, July/August 2011 : R o l l i n g r o a d :

time I could have gotten there was had been consigned by the critics to it is a very elaborate monument that is after eleven o’clock at night. There’s oblivion. But a local woman named his memorial. The contrast epitomizes something to be said for being dead, Jane Armstrong fought to save and Watts’ life. Mark Bills described him as and there is a sort of attraction in restore the gallery, hired a fabulous “a sort of hermit with good bus service.” exploring a graveyard round midnight. curator named Mark Bills, and now it He wore a skull cap and an Old Testa- It was too bad, because a few days is considered the best small gallery in ment beard. His enigmatic paintings later I stumbled upon a grave that had Europe. Jane also helped to restore speak of death and judgment. But a strange C.S. Lewis connection. the Anglican church in Compton, even death is a beautiful woman, a young It was in the tiny village of Comp- though she is a Catholic. When asked mother offering comfort. ton. The grave belonged to Aldous why, she replied, “because it’s really In addition to Huxley and Watts Huxley, who died the same day as C.S. ours, and we’ll get it back eventually.” there is another fellow buried in the Lewis—and the same day as John F. Remembering what has been forgotten. same cemetery, whose grave was Kennedy: November 22, 1963. One of the most intriguing mas- pointed out to me by Jane Armstrong. The reason I was in Compton was terpieces of the Watts Gallery is not in His name was Robinson, a name as to see the Watts Gallery, which houses the gallery but in the local cemetery. common and representative as Smith. the works of George Fredrick Watts, It is the eclectic and indescribable You have never heard of him and the artist about whom Chesterton funeral chapel designed by Mary Watts, neither had I. He was nearly an exact wrote a book. The Watts Gallery is wife of the artist. Watts’ own grave is contemporary of Watts. He was also, a great success story, as a few years a simple affair, marked by some vague apparently, a fellow artist, but not nearly ago it was falling apart after the artist artistic symbol. However, just beyond so successful, for the inscription on his otherwise nondescript stone reads: The study of art how difficult The practice of it how bitter. Sounds like a guy who should have read Chesterton. The last line of Chesterton’s poem “The Rolling English Road” talks about getting to Paradise by way of Kensal Green, which is a famous old cemetery in London. I really wanted to visit it, but I realized there was another very similar cemetery that would be much more important to visit: Brompton. But I had to get to Brompton by way of the House of Lords (where I was treated to tea by Lord Alton), Bucking- ham Palace (where I stumbled upon the Changing of the Guard), Good Counsel (a pro-life women’s center that saves babies and their mothers), and Tyburn Convent (where nuns keep a perpetual vigil near the site where hundreds of Catholics were tortured and executed for their faith). London, says Chesterton, is a sacred ruin. In Brompton Cemetery I visited a grave that has been neglected for decades. It is where Chesterton’s parents are buried. Also there is his sister Beatrice, who died when she was only eight years old. His brother Cecil, who is buried in France, is also remembered on the stone. These were the people who helped make G.K. Chesterton. It was a privilege to honor them, to remember what has been forgotten. The grave of Chesterton’s parents and sister in Brompton Cemetery, London

Gilbert Magazine Outlining Sanity 21 : Ta l e s o f t h e s h o r T b o w : snacks. No exceptions. The children may eat only food provided by the school.” “Nutrition wise, it is far better for the children to eat what the school provides,” explained Ms. Maynard Food for Thought while chewing a jelly bean. “It’s about nutrition and the excellent quality food by James G. Bruen Jr. we’re able to serve in the lunchroom. It’s milk versus Coke.” ould you care for some jelly highlights. Placing it next to the Red “But this was an apple, not soda!” beans?” asked Dana Dillard, Delicious, she proclaimed, “And this observed Mrs. Smith. Ph.D., principal of Roosevelt is the Fuji we confiscated from your “How can we ensure it wasn’t Elementary, as she removed daughter.” sprayed with Alar?” asked Principal the cover from the glass jar “A recidivist?” sputtered Mr. Smith. Dillard. Won her desk. “You know the rules,” replied “Or that it was grown organically?” “No, thank you,” replied Mrs. Mary Dr. Dillard. “You signed the Code of added Assistant Principal Maynard. Smith, fidgeting nervously on the Conduct at the beginning of the school “Or that she hadn’t hidden a razor sofa opposite the desk. Seated year, and you acknowledged discussing blade in the apple,” contributed a next to her, her husband it with your daughter and voice from among the school officials Joe also declined. explaining it to her. That lining the side walls, “and then shared “Don’t mind if I document spells out it with another student?” do,” laughed Assis- the consequences for a “You think my daughter Chrissie is tant Principal Aggie repeat offender.” the Wicked Witch trying to give Snow Maynard, who, lean- “But it was only an White a poisoned apple?” exclaimed ing forward from apple,” pleaded Mrs. Mrs. Smith. her chair, pushed Smith. “Or that you’ve uncovered a plot against a side wall “Mrs. Smith, please,” that rivals Eve’s offering Adam the of the small office, said Dr. Dillard. “When apple in the Garden of Eden?” added thrust her hand into she served her three-day her husband. the jar, and pulled out a suspension earlier this “Mock us if you must,” said Dr. Dil- handful of jelly beans. semester, we explained to lard icily, “but rules are rules. Besides, “Coffee, perhaps?” you what the consequences what if everyone followed her example asked Principal Dillard. would be if she violated school and brought food from home? What Again, the Smiths declined. This policy again.” would it do to our budget? The federal time, none of the handful of school “Expulsion is the mandated remedy government pays the school district officials seated around the periphery for a second offense,” pronounced Ms. for every free or reduced-price lunch of the room took the principal up on Maynard. we provide. Why would we let indi- her offer. “Expulsion?” blurted Mr. Smith, vidual students force us to forgo that “I’ll come straight to the point, exploding from the sofa. revenue?” then,” said Dr. Dillard, looking Mr. “Expulsion, but with lenience,” “This is a revenue enhancement Smith in the eye. “Your daughter is explained Ms. Maynard. “Next Monday scheme?” asked Mr. Smith. a recidivist,” she continued as her she will be disenrolled from Roosevelt “Now, now, Mr. Smith, don’t be stare shifted to Mrs. Smith. “I have no and immediately re-enrolled in our bitter,” interjected the principal. discretion.” alternate school for children with “Count yourselves fortunate.” “But it was just an apple,” inter- severe behavioral and substance “Fortunate?” scoffed jected Mrs. Smith. abuse problems.” Mr. Smith. “Our “Not just any apple, but a Fuji “Behavioral and substance daughter is being apple,” corrected Dr. Dillard sharply. abuse problems?” repeated expelled next “Not a Red Delicious. Our staff is Mr. Smith incredulously. Monday and trained to spot the difference. Only “For bringing an apple you’re calling us Red Delicious are sold in our cafete- to school?” screamed Mrs. fortunate?” ria.” She reached into a desk drawer, Smith, standing. “You are removed a bright red apple, and put “Please, Mrs. Smith,” fortunate, Mr. it on her desk. “This,” she announced, said Dr. Dillard, rising and Smith, even “is a Red Delicious.” Reaching again pounding her fist on her though you may into the drawer, she removed an desk. “Students may not bring not appreciate apple that was yellow-green with red food from home—no lunches, no it. Beginning next

22 Volume 14 Number 8, July/August 2011 : Ta l e s o f T h e s h o r T b o w :

school year, even the first infraction principal’s desk, knocking over the jar “For that matter,” said her hus- for bringing food onto school property of jelly beans as he did so. He raised band, “no child should be force fed will be a misdemeanor, punishable by the apple to his lips and chomped public education to the detriment of fine and jail time,” related Dr. Dillard. loudly on it. what he learns at home!” He pulled “Of course, this penalty doesn’t apply “What? No razor blade!” exclaimed an envelope from a pocket and to children who haven’t reached high Mrs. Smith as several school officials tossed it onto the principal’s desk. school. But it does apply to parents got down on their hands and knees to “You won’t be expelling Chrissie or who know or should know of the gather the jelly beans. She grabbed the assigning her to a school for misfits,” policy, and who know or should know Red Delicious apple and slammed it he announced. “Effective immedi- of their child’s behavior.” on the desk. “No child should be force ately, we’re withdrawing her from In one quick motion, Mr. Smith fed public school food but denied food Roosevelt. We’ll educate her at home. grabbed the Fuji apple from the from his home.” We’ll feed her there, too.”

with a chomp and a dull clatter, the brass door handle fell to the ground. A Bedtime Story In scampered the goblins, leaving by Kelsey McIntyre six pairs of muddy footprints from the welcome mat up the staircase and onto the second-floor landing. “In here!” nce upon a time, the goblin “Thank you, Mudge, but I can Grimoss whispered, pointing to a room king grew tired of eating thpeak for mythelf,” Grimoss said, nev- with the door partway ajar and stuffed gnarled potatoes and beets in ertheless breaking into a slimy green animals piled onto a wooden trunk at his dank underground palace, sweat and darting his bulbous eyes in the end of the bed. Their breathing and so he sent his goblin all directions. wheezy with excitement, the goblins Ohunters out into the valley to search When it was completely dark, they filed in. for something more delicate, such as stole up into the valley and began to Suddenly, light flooded the landing children. search the grass around each of the and an enormous human—at least six Six goblin hunters were chosen houses for basketballs, tricycles, teddy feet tall, in flannel pajamas—emerged for this expedition, and they clustered bears, fire trucks, or other signs of from one of the other rooms, headed around the craggy palace exit and children within. Most of the goblins for the staircase. waited until it grew dark outside. You had reasonably good night vision—no “Quick fellowth, hide!” Grimoss see, goblins come in two shades: green worse than their day vision, at least— gasped. Three of the goblins dove like the algae on the surface of stag- but Nurgle’s eyes were so narrow that under the bed and three jumped into nant ponds, or brown like the rotting he couldn’t see much at all in the dark. the closet, including Mudge, who in mud at the bottom. These colors would So, while the others looked around for pulling the door shut behind him with be advantageous if all goblins could toys, he hummed raspily to himself more gusto than he had intended, acci- swim well enough to hide themselves and tried to avoid bumping too hard dentally made it slam so terribly that in ponds when they venture out from into benches and birdbaths; and once, the noise rang throughout house. under the earth, but, unlike the adept when he thought he heard Grimoss The goblins froze. For a few sec- scavenging goblins, hunting goblins nearby, he bent over as if he were on onds there was no response, and then cannot swim, even slightly, and so the trail of some child-related object. the footsteps of the giant human began must find other ways with which to At last, after some minutes of rapidly climbing back up the stairs. remain unseen. panting and shuffling, they found a The goblins under the bed, including “How will we know which houses doll-sized wagon on the porch of a Nurgle and Grimoss, shrank back as have children?” the darkest brown little house on the edge of the lake the man’s slippered feet appeared in goblin, Nurgle, asked. He had such that separated the valley from the the doorway and the light in the chil- a broad, flat face that his eyes were snowy mountains. One of the goblins dren’s room flicked on. shaped like string beans instead climbed on top of another to reach the “What was that noise?” the human of eggs. doorknob, but his chortling stopped said, puzzled and groggy. “Toyth,” the leader, Grimoss, abruptly when he tried to turn it. “It came from the closet,” a girl’s hissed. At their perplexed stares he “Locked!” voice trembled. burst out, “Toyth, you foolth! Toyth in “Of courth it’th locked!” Grimoss “The closet?” the yardth!” said, screwing up his fists impatiently. “Yes,” squeaked a little boy’s voice. “He means ‘toys,’” grunted a goblin “Bite the doorknob off!” “It was the monster.” named Mudge, short and fat as a tree There was a pause, and then “There’s no monster in the closet,” stump. simply, “Heh heh. Heh heh heh.” And the man said, and the goblins huddled

Gilbert Magazine Outlining Sanity 23 : Ta l e s o f T h e s h o r T b o w : together even more as he padded “Of course,” the man said, with a and leapt up, their feet sinking into their closer and began tucking in the blan- smile in his voice. “Do you want me to pillows, but the goblins no longer both- kets around the children. “Did one of check under the bed as well?” ered about stealth. Several tripped as you fall out of bed?” Nurgle’s slitted eyes began to they trampled down the stairs and ended “The closet door slammed and water, and he glanced at Grimoss, who by falling down most of the flight. They woke us up,” the little boy whispered. was gulping and shiny with sweat. stampeded to the entryway, where so Mudge felt two knobbly goblin “Yes, please,” the little boy peeped. many wedged against the front door that elbows dig him in the ribs. “Chief?” Nurgle breathed. it broke off its hinges and crashed out “Hmm, well maybe you left it open Grimoss didn’t answer. The man onto the porch. last night and a draft blew it shut.” squatted and grasped the edge of the “Home to thafety!” Grimoss yelled. The children thought about that quilt nearest the floor to lift it up. They raced off between the houses, possibility, and rustling sounds told the “Chief? What’s—what’s the plan?” and only slowed to an exhausted jog when goblins that they were cuddling back “Ethcape!” Grimoss screeched. they had reached the brushy outskirts of down under their quilt. Just as the Goblins bounded out from under the now moonlit valley. man was standing up to go, however, the bed and burst from the closet, their “What are we going to tell the king?” the girl said, “But can you check, just claws scrabbling on the wooden floor- Mudge grunted, back to his usual sullen to make sure?” boards in their panic. The man reeled calm. The goblins’ hearts began to back as one of the goblins crashed “That if he wanth a delicate meal,” pound. into his legs and the children shrieked Grimoss panted, “he should try lettuth.”

History

;;There is such a thing as history, a ;;It is when a fact is…too big for the framework of ordinary things; healthy familiarity with the past; and it history that it overflows the surround- and it can only be recorded through is one of the Rights of Man. (New Witness, ing facts and expresses itself in fable. extraordinary things like fairy-tales Nov. 12, 1912) Nay, it is when the fact is in a sense and romances of chivalry. (“The Pillar of the too solid that its very solidity breaks Lateran,” The Resurrection of Rome) ;;History is like some deeply planted tree which, ;;The evolutionary histori- though gigantic in girth, ans would very much like tapers away at last into to prove, of course, that tiny twigs; and we are in the Church was something the topmost branches. (“The suited to the conditions of Man Who Thinks Backwards,” A the third or fourth century. Miscellany of Men) But the most evolutionary logician will hardly explain ;;It is one of the blunders to us that it is flourishing of the pedant that his only in the twentieth century, notion about history is because it was so suited to that history repeats itself. the third. (America, Sept. 25, 1926) (New Witness, Aug. 5, 1915) ;;There are three stages ;;As our world advances in the heroic story. The through history towards its first I call Popular History; present epoch, it becomes and it is wrong in almost more specialist, less demo- every respect, except that cratic, and folklore turns it is right. The second I call gradually into fiction.(“The Prigs’ History; which is right Pickwick Papers,” Charles Dickens) on one particular point, ;;What makes all history and wrong on everything so bewildering, and what else. The third I call Proper makes most history so History; which restores what bad, is the fact that the was right in the popular tra- surface of society is often dition, while correcting all so very different from the that was accidentally wrong substance of society. (G.K.’s in the popular legends. (Lis- Weekly, March 24, 1928) tener, Oct. 17, 1934)

24 Volume 14 Number 8, July/August 2011 C N G… Adaptations of Chesterton’s Father Brown mysteries.

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Buy a Print of the Logical Vegetarian Illustration and design by T. Schluenderfritz Print Size:16" x 24" Starting at $13.99 http://bit.ly/bydmRg See other prints and merchandise at www.5sparrows.com : A l l i s g r i s t : accommodating for their own good. Timely Essays on Chesterton’s Timeless Paradoxes Why, they naively expose their driveways, carports and garages to the street, practically inviting errant vehicles to target them. Some houses with two-car garages rashly locate them at the front, where they are in full view. Don’t they realize that few cars can resist plowing into a two-car garage? Home Invasions An engine and a set of wheels could foil attacks on my house. by Joe Campbell First, though, I’d have to make the superstructure detachable from the ’m tempted to turn my house into having one jump the ramp of a parking basement. When traffic is at its most a mobile home. I don’t mean a sta- garage and pin its prey to the pave- reckless, usually around midnight, I tionary mobile home, the kind that ment from six floors up. could drive the house to the back of sits paradoxically in a trailer park. I Direct assaults aren’t the only the lot, transforming the basement mean a movable mobile home, the danger when navigating the streets on into a dry moat. Intruding vehicles Ikind that rolls redundantly down the foot. There’s also collateral damage. that escape the moat would collide road. This occurs when two or more vehicles safely with one of the elm trees on Where I live, cars, trucks, and assault each other and at least one either side, leaving the house and its buses don’t just run into pedestrians, of them careens onto the sidewalk, contents, including me, intact. cyclists, and each other. They also mowing down anyone in the way. A stone wall would be more practi- run into houses, routinely. One house cal, I suppose. It would certainly keep I know of endured two collisions in errant vehicles out. But, in ways I don’t less than a month. If they’re nimble, A stone wall would be fancy, it would also keep me in. Nei- targeted pedestrians can sometimes more practical, I suppose. ther stone walls nor iron bars appeal dodge their assailants. Targeted houses to me. Contrary to the musings of can’t. Unless they get mobile, their It would certainly keep Richard Lovelace, both make me feel options are limited. errant vehicles out. But, as though I’m in prison. A confirmed pedestrian, I’ve Maybe some creative residen- dodged cars, trucks, buses, motor- in ways I don’t fancy, it tial engineer will develop air bags cycles, and bicycles since I started to would also keep me in. for houses. Better still would be the walk. Like anyone who has grown up residential equivalent of a cowcatcher. among potentially vicious animals and Neither stone walls nor Typically shallow, V-shaped wedges, learned their habits, I’ve grown up iron bars appeal to me. cowcatchers deflect bovine and other among potentially vicious vehicles and objects from the path of moving trains, memorized their moves. At controlled Contrary to the musings lifting them off the tracks and push- intersections, I can sense when they’re of Richard Lovelace, ing them to the side. From my fleeting ready to pounce; at uncontrolled inter- encounter with high school physics, I sections, I can see when they’re eager both make me feel as suspect cowcatchers work equally well to strike. though I’m in prison. when the objects are moving and the Cars and trucks are often most trains are at rest. dangerous when they appear to be at If so, a carcatcher could give my rest, blinking sleepily or, worse, wink- The number of vehicles in motion house all the protection it needs. At ing shamelessly. Lulled into a false has risen exponentially since I started the same time, it might set a new stan- sense of security, many a pedestrian dodging them. Sometimes it seems dard in residential art. Although not has paid a steep price for succumb- as though there are more cars than architecturally inclined, I believe that ing to these deceptive overtures. I’m people. If true, our minority status even I could turn a cowcatcher into a especially cautious in parking lots, could prove embarrassing when carcatcher. All I would have to do is where vehicles are continually on the vehicles get the vote. But it probably change two letters. prowl and can come at me from any explains why cars and trucks target My preferred solution is to turn direction. houses: when preferred prey is in short the house into a helicopter. When traf- I also watch out for vehicles supply, predators turn to whatever else fic is most threatening, I could hover crouched in residential driveways. is available. over it and harangue invading vehicles Forward or backward, they can spring As they’re not used to this sort through my sound system. One way without warning, flattening their of attack, houses are ill equipped or another, I’m determined to get the victims in the blink of a signal light. to defend against it. They haven’t better of them. It’s not just in casinos Less common, but more devastating, is had time to adjust and they’re too that the house always wins.

26 Volume 14 Number 8, July/August 2011 : A l l i s g r i s t : just a little inappropriate (ya don’t want to overdo it). Out-of-fashion shoes Divorce Court Tango and trousers worked nicely against the by Walt Sarafin shirt. Some duct tape repairs to my eye glasses (that weren’t really broken) “It is said that a madman has lost completed the ensemble. his reason. But, in fact, he has lost assembling electronics for minimum The hearing began: “Mr. Sarafin, everything except his reason.” —G.K. wage. I sat at a work bench next to a can you tell this court why you left your Chesterton, Orthodoxy guy named Dave. last job?” Dave had a...colorful background. “Yeah, man, like he said, ‘there’s he boss had the habit of coming He liked his recreational drugs. You nothing we can do for guys like yooo… round and passing out pay might say that he was an undocu- maaan’. “He said he ‘couldn’t help checks on paydays. On this mented pharmacist. On Monday guys like meee’…” particular day I got my paycheck mornings I would ask, “Hey, Dave, “I see,” she said in a flat voice. in a brown manila envelope, what’d ya do over the weekend”? And “Maaan,” I said, only now finishing Tinstead of the usual white one. Inside he would answer something like “Oh, my sentence. was a statement that listed what I had wow, man, these dudes, they came over “Do you have a job now?” made and where it went. Most of it and brought this wild stuff, man, we was “Yeah, man, I got a job.” went to my ex-wife for alimony and taken hits off it and wooow, man! Like, “How much do you make?” she child support. This was the last thing these lights would start flashing and like, asked, getting right to the point. I needed, since my recent divorce had so I laid down and started sliding up the “Yeah, man, I make five dollars an left me financially strapped. wallll, man…ya knooow?…Maaan.” hour, maaan.” She had taken most of the sav- I was an engineering student at “That doesn’t sound like much,” she ings, all the household effects and the time and taking 400-level math said (smart girl!). the car. I not only had to pay for my classes. I began to practice my impres- “And thirty fivecent ,” I said. “Don’t lawyer but the court ordered me to sion of Dave in my car, on my way to tell me that ain’t much! You know how pay for hers, too. But worse than the and from school in the evenings. I was much drugs that ‘il buy? Maaan...” financial rape was the judgment. I had just having fun. “Ya knooow…Maaan?” The court ordered a new lower done nothing wrong. I didn’t even But there was a problem. I had an child support. This is something that want a divorce. She had an extra- upcoming court date, and if the Court rarely happens. But more than that, the marital affair with a guy she worked of Common Pleas thought that I was “judge” seemed to enjoy being supe- with and, when my ship returned just being defiant by quitting my job, rior and dolling out compassion to a from an extended deployment, left me they would really hammer me. They “deadbeat daddy” like me. It saved me to marry him. When that didn’t work could leave the child support sky high thousands. As for my son, he would live out, she came back with a vengeance. (where it had continued to be since I in poverty no matter how much money She sued for alimony, child support, left my good job), cite me for con- his mother got. and divorce, and cleaned me out. On tempt of court, or I could even go to Ten days later I doubled my pay. top of the emotional devastation the jail. What to do? I got an idea. At the end I was making three times official legal judgment sent me reel- I had learned, even by that point that. For years I lived in fear that my ing. I didn’t deserve this. And now a in my life, that people will go away ex would ask for a review. She never bunch of attorneys and man-hating quicker if you give them what they are did. Eventually she was diagnosed with women were going to try to make me looking for. While these people were schizophrenia, which explains a lot of a financial slave. looking for money and more of it, they what happened. I went to see my boss and told him also had a preconceived expectation; So there I was, pretending to be that I couldn’t go on working and not call it prejudice, They were used to crazy and in fact being perfectly normal. getting paid. He said there was nothing seeing deadbeat daddies. I decided My ex was pretending to be normal and he could do with guys like me (appar- that it was just more economical to was in fact, completely insane. Both of ently there were others in the same give them one more deadbeat daddy us in front of a “judge” that was pre- predicament) and couldn’t help. I said than to slave away for the next two tending to be impartial and was in fact to heck with this, quit my job, and decades and let them take most of a sexist bigot. And all of us in a system moved back home. what I made. These “judges” (who that pretends to be just and is thor- It was a good job. I had been all seemed to be women and aren’t oughly evil. Strange, how it all went. working for a big electronics company really judges, but officers of the court, Some may say that I got away with that received government contracts. appointed by a judge) consider them- something. I would argue that it was I, The company was located in a city a selves smarter than the rest of us. So I however, who was a victim of betrayal couple hundred miles from my home figured I would drop a couple of subtle and a bigoted, money hungry system. I of record, where my “ex” now resided hints and they would pick them up. didn’t “get away” with anything. In the and the job market was much more When I showed up in the court- end, after losing everything, I did have limited. Once back home, I got a job room, I was wearing a shirt that was my reason.

Gilbert Magazine Outlining Sanity 27 : A l l i s g r i s t :

of literature. We get so caught up in Story, darn it! Story! the mind of the characters that we somehow miss the plot itself. Instead, by Daniel Collins we stop and judge what kind of man Gatsby is, based on what we know he ristotle in his work Poetics as readers? Were we to stop reading longs for. introduced a way of looking at this point, would we be satisfied? A human being is both a mind at storytelling that was radical Even if we did not have a natural and a will. We can think and we can in his day, and seems almost curiosity about whether our deduc- choose. The two are distinct from as radical now. He was dealing tions were right, would we have found each other and neither can force Awith the ideas of character and plot: what it was we were looking for when the other to anything. The academia Which is more important, which is we began to read? Obviously the of today’s society believes that the necessary above all else for the story- answer is no. The character Gatsby is mind controls the will, and that what teller? Aristotle’s answer was simple: not someone who can be ascertained we have stored up within ourselves Character is plot. Plot is, in the end, by knowledge of the mind. The whole determines what we will do. Books, what drives everything else. He wrote thing comes down to the difference family, music, and other stimuli flow- his treatise as a template for the story- between what a human person is, and ing around a person are thought to teller. His Poetics also gives us a guide what the academic world thinks it is. cause our actions. This is simply false. for analyzing and reading literature. The modern intellectual feel- The will acts independently from any Like most everyone, I went ing is determinist in nature and factor; that is why it is called free. It through at least six primary years of psychological in practice. We are should also be remembered that God education and six secondary years. inundated every day by news stories himself judges men based on their The first six are spent teaching the about crimes and tragedies. The news wills. We do not get sent to Hell for child the actual mechanics of read- reporters are constantly searching reading violent literature. We may get ing and comprehending. By tenth for why something happened. When sent to Hell for being violent against grade, at the latest, mastery of these they find the “why”, that knowledge our neighbor. skills is assumed by the teachers. It almost gets substituted for the action So where does that leave Gatsby? was then that the subject at hand itself. For example, a broken home We know that he longs for that dock became critical reading skills and and addiction to drugs are revealed to and everything that it stands for. But deductive reasoning. High school the public when discussing the arrest this knowledge does not let us judge essays were expected to be more than of a murderer. This natural desire his character; we must ask, what will simple comparison and contrast of for reasons eventually overshadows he do next? That is the key to judging certain elements in a given work. The the horror, as if people believed that any man. Will he jump into the water expectation was that students were the motive pulled the trigger, and and drown himself? Will he lock him- sophisticated enough to find symbols, not a man. This thinking has over- self in his room and drink? Will he and once these were found, able to flowed into the analysis and reading swim across and profess his undying make comments on the characters based on these symbols. Perhaps the most familiar of these symbols is the green deck light in Our Mr. Chesterton Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby. Every In Ian Ker’s biography of G.K. high school student in American Chesterton he gives an account literature is told that the green light recorded in the diary of Theo- is one of the most important things in the novel, that it represents the dora Bosonaquet, Henry James’ love and prosperity that Gatsby longs secretary, July 27, 1908: “In the for. The first time the green light is course of the morning Mr. James mentioned, Gatsby is seen stretching made me go and peep though out toward it, shaking slightly. English the curtain to ‘the unspeakable’ teachers stop at this point and begin Chesterton passing by—a sort a discussion. It would seem that the of elephant with a crimson face green light has importance in and of and oily curls. He [James] thinks itself. We are told that what the green it very tragic that [Chesterton’s] light represents gives us insight to the mind should be imprisoned in mind of Gatsby. such a body.” The question then becomes, now that we have this slice of knowledge about Gatsby, what good does it do us

28 Volume 14 Number 8, July/August 2011 : A l l i s g r i s t :

love for Daisy? Each of these actions actions, or to give insight into the is a wonderful surprise, but it was not would tell us something different type of world the characters find the reason you were taking the journey. about Gatsby and bring an entirely themselves in. They should not be Plot builds character for the author and different character to light. made into more than what they are. for the reader. The light on Daisy’s dock So do not get hung up on sym- When you find a symbol buried within does not matter; the act of Gatsby’s bols. They are in the story to quench a story, it should be like a twenty infatuation, and the story it tells, is our natural desire for reasons behind dollar bill you find in a gutter. The bill what we should really care about.

Chesterton was also quick to point out The Coldness of Chloe that part of a woman’s gift is her ability to split her focus to accommodate by Kara Heyne almost any situation. This gift is at its strongest when a woman is in charge “The instinctive cry of the female in neglects Joan of Arc as an example of children, whose constant, multitu- anger is Noli me tangere.” for girls. While these women are often dinous needs would baffle the most —G.K. Chesterton, What’s Wrong with the World angry, they are seldom silent. An angry well-intentioned warrior. A woman’s woman may scream, break things, or genius lies partly in her ability to do Our Mr. Chesterton wrote a lot throw punches, but more often than many constructive things well, as about women. He considered himself not these displays of angry passion opposed doing one destructive thing something of an anti-feminist, on the quickly turn into bouts of lusty passion. really well. ground that he, along with the major- She may be violent to the point of Chesterton added in A Miscellany ity of women at the time, was against psychosis, but as long as this doesn’t of Men, “When a woman puts her fists female suffrage. That alone would have disrupt her libido, society seems to up to a man, she is in the only position been enough to generate much wailing shrug off the dysfunction, or even pro- in which he is not afraid of her.” While and gnashing of teeth in our modern mote it under the guise “grrl power!” this may seem shocking to a culture society. If one examines his work, Women who protect themselves that grew up with a steady diet of war- however, one finds that he was not a with silence are portrayed as cold- rior women, the point is still valid. God wife-beating misogynist but a man who hearted, conniving or cowardly. Instead saw fit to create women to be lighter revered the family as the cornerstone of showing such women as protecting and smaller than their male counter- of society and practically idolized themselves from intrusion by her emo- parts. Any trained fighter will assert women as the necessary heart of the tional assailant, these women are the that it would be disastrous to under- family. shrewish wives or disposable, neurotic estimate the advantage of height and This reverence for women and girlfriends. While the ability to take weight in a fight. While it may be visu- the family gave G.K. Chesterton a stock of a situation without rushing ally pleasing to watch a buxom blonde unique perspective on the relation- into ill-conceived action in a man defeat numerous larger opponents, it ships between the sexes. He expressed might be evidence of a strong, silent must be noted that their blows will fall many truths about women that have character or a military mind, in a heavier than hers and their reach is been blurred almost beyond recogni- woman this quality is labeled denial or longer. If a woman’s lack of height is tion by our modern society. In fact, his flight from reality. Curiously, women compensated for with the addition of insights into the feminine mind are are expected to “man up”—in a way stiletto heels, then she has just been nearly the polar opposite of portrayals that is seldom expected of men. deprived of the ability to run, balance, of women, if not by the population at The irony of this culture of female or kick. Gravity is a cruel master. large, at least by the images of women violence lies in the fact that nature Thus when natural advantages and created for the purpose of pop culture. designed women at their physical disadvantages are brought into play, it For example, according to Chesterton, peak to be at their most fertile. When, may actually be a cruel trick to place part of the true feminine mystique is according to countless action flicks, a a woman into a situation where she that an angry woman will retreat into woman is at her most deadly, accord- is forced to utilize gifts not her own. herself, refuse to be touched and will ing to nature she is at her most While, under the guise of feminism, be silent. He went so far as to assert life-giving. While the ability to execute violent Valkyries have been presented that true men fear women’s silence far a perfect spin kick might look good, it as ideal role models, these portrayals more than they fear her tongue. is useless when the sink is clogged, the ignore that women have vast, untapped Our culture disagrees. From a very lamp has broken and the baby has a intellectual gifts that would actually young age, girls are given role-models fever. be wasted in these roles. By allowing of warrior women from the Powerpuff The ability to view a crisis with Chloe to remain cold, you allow her Girls to Buffy the Vampire Slayer emotional detachment, to retreat into to focus on what she is really good at, to Xena Warrior Princess. Curiously, silence before acting, is crucial to the instead of forcing her into a mold she the culture that idolizes the Amazon multi-tasking of a mother or caretaker. doesn’t fit.

Gilbert Magazine Outlining Sanity 29 : t h e b a l l a d e o f g i l b e r t :

A Ballade of Bad Beer INTRODUCING GKC by G.K. Chesterton Some men are blood-drinkers; I need not add I am not one that only gore can slake, in the 21st Centrury And there were persons in the Illiad with quality products & services Whom other persons liked to boil and bake. Dowie had funny views; and so had Blake, My Uncle William thought...but he was mad Chesterton Quote —A man in Ealing thinks he is a snake. Sir Jacob Blinker thinks that Beer is bad. He is no Puritan; no sombre Rad, In genuine kindliness he takes the cake; T-SHIRTS Karl P. Vanblugger stole, and was a cad— Wit & Wisdom to Wear! But Blinker loved him for old England’s sake. Sir Jacob Blinker holds that Nature spake Approval to all items, sweet or sad, That all things made their proper station take. DAILY GKC QUOTE Sir Jacob Blinker thinks that Beer is bad. via Twitter, Facebook, and email When Mr. Otto Gluckstein-Gilead Found nations pretty toys to break And Christian corpses always to be had UNCLE CHESTNUT BOOK & Our dear friend had no remarks to make; He sees that formal Rights are a mistake, He understands that Honour is a fad, TABLE GYPE But one depravity does touch Sir Jake— for little ones & the young at heart Sir Jacob Blinker thinks that Beer is bad. L’Envoy Prince, push the pewter if you’re still awake, MICROCAPITALISM: Put down a pot of four and half, my lad, And shout till all the stars of God shall shake: DISTRIBUTISM 2.0 “Sir Jacob Blinker thinks that Beer is bad.” Read the Manifesto for FREE! CHESTERTON SEARCH Search the text of GKC’s writings VISIT US ON THE WEB EternalRevolution.com JOIN US ON FACEBOOK facebook.com/EternalRevolution

30 Volume 14 Number 8, July/August 2011 : C h e s t e r t o n u n i v e r s i t y : An Introduction to the Writings of G.K. Chesterton by Dale Ahlquist Larry Clipper says with great insight, “One may say that the key to understanding Chesterton on a political level is that he spent a lifetime trying to substitute one set of issues for another, to provide an alternative Chesterton’s Pulpit political agenda.” We see Chesterton in all his The Illustrated London News 1905-07 glorious political incorrectness, Volume XXVII of The Collected Works of G.K. Chesterton opposing votes for women, defending drinking and smoking, mocking pop- n 1985, when Ignatius Press University who edited and annotated ular social reform, questioning the announced its monumental project all 1,575 (or so) of them. Larry Clip- honesty of the rich, and defending to publish the Collected Works of per’s achievement has never been giving money to beggars. “Nothing G.K. Chesterton, it should have properly acknowledged. will be done until we have realized been regarded as a major event in Some would argue that first that charity is not giving rewards Ithe history of publishing. It wasn’t. volume of the ILN essays is the best to the deserving, but happiness to Instead, it went mostly unnoticed. of the bunch. Let them argue that. In the unhappy.” As for those Female Those who did notice either yawned their favor is the fact that it includes Suffragists, Chesterton says he can or scratched their heads. There was the essays that gave birth to All Things accept the idea of women voting; great rejoicing only among a minute Considered (“On Running After he just cannot accept any of the group of people, most of whom did not One’s Hat,” “Woman,” “Wine When reasons that the Suffragists give for even know each other. They were the It is Red,” etc.). Also in their favor women voting. He sees no reason to few who simply could not get enough is that so many of the essays in this bring women into a system that was Chesterton, who had combed the used collection had never been reprinted completely corrupt. Chesterton, the book stores and emptied them of their anywhere else. And then there is the ardent defender of Democracy, is the GKC stock, who finally were being pro- experience of watching the beginning endless critic of the current political vided with some new material. After of Chesterton’s historic tenure as process. The politician, he says, is the early volumes, which were Ches- the Our Note-Book columnist for this always the enemy of the crowds. “His terton’s most popular books, there distinguished paper, to which he would whole career has only two stages: finally appeared the first volume of the contribute a weekly essay, with only first, as quickly as possible to rep- Illustrated London News essays, the two interruptions, for the next thirty- resent his town; then as quickly as first new book by Chesterton in more one years, right up until the week of possible to misrepresent it.” than a decade. his death. This would be Chesterton’s Just as political questions cannot But the Chestertonians were pulpit, providing him with a steady be avoided, neither can religious still a small and scattered lot. Father income and a ready audience. questions: “No intellectual move- Joseph Fessio, head of Ignatius Press, In the first essay, the man with the ments, however searching, no logical and George Marlin, general editor of magic pen writes about having a spare processes, however severe, can ever the Collected Works, thought there moment (something few us ever have) alter this ultimate possibility; for all were more of them out there. Igna- to think (something few of us ever do). such intellectual movements and tius invested in nine volumes of the Yet all peasants and barbarians have logical processes bring us at last Illustrated London News essays, but such moments, “during which they to the edge of what is called the they did not sell well. The Chesterton made up the Iliad and the Book of Job.” Unknowable; and there our poetic revival was still a few years away. It In the second essay comes one curiosity begins.” Chesterton hints was the temporary downfall of the of Chesterton’s essential ideas and at a sacramental understanding of Collected Works project. Ironically, it certainly one of his most splendid things: “Whenever men really believe was the very publication of those ILN quotations, and it sat dormant for eight that they can get to the spiritual, volumes that helped spur the Chester- decades until this volume was printed: they always employ the material. ton revival, because they became the “We should always endeavor to wonder When the purpose is good, it is bread main source material for the Ches- at the permanent thing, not at the and wine; when the purpose is evil, it terton newsletters that led to Gilbert mere exception. We should be startled is eye of newt and toe of frog.” Magazine, as well as for the scripts of by the sun, and not by the eclipse. We So, yes, the argument can be EWTN’s television series, The Apostle should wonder less at the earthquake, made that this is the best of the of Common Sense. and wonder more at the earth.” Illustrated London News volumes. It was the great Frank Petta of And though Chesterton was The only obvious argument against happy memory who had collected all famously told he should not write it is all the other volumes. The tenth of Chesterton’s ILN essays, and it was about politics and religion, that is pre- volume of ILN essays has just been an English professor from Indiana cisely what he does. In his introduction published. More treasures await.

Gilbert Magazine Outlining Sanity 31 : T h e s i g n at u r e o f m a n : saving them would be quite defensible regulations. I do not call on the Chesterton on Art average man to follow the council of perfection, and win the heavenly palm and crown, towards which that flaming finger points him. But I can imagine something that would be much more fantastic even than Mr. Bateman’s fan- tasy. Suppose Mr. Bateman were called upon to draw a man thus engaged in saving a single match, while on every H.M. Bateman side of him match-boxes piled up by G.K. Chesterton to the skies, in toppling towers and pyramids, were being given to the flames wholesale, like so much rubbish t is well that a draught- Hence it will probably be found or mere fuel. Or suppose, in the same sman with the wild that all our ablest artists, in this vein which is very much his own, he exactitude of Mr. Bate- manner, will grow more and were to draw a policeman putting a man should enjoy one more frantic and farcical, more very large finger on the lips of a very riot of ridiculing modern and more incredible and crazy. little boy lest he should whistle, and Isociety; before modern soci- They are trying to keep pace disturb the repose of the street; while ety becomes too ridiculous with our statesmen and social the street, I need hardly say, would to be ridiculed. For that is philosophers. be full of motor-buses, brass-bands, the chief danger at pres- You cannot refute what is backfiring cars, sirens, fog-horns, ent to this branch of art. It entirely irrational, any more anti-aircraft artillery, guns going off is sometimes said that we than you can answer the generally and so on. Well, that wild have no satirists as great as question of “Why is a mouse picture would be a literally, and rigidly Rabelais or Swift; but satire when it spins?” I can imagine realistic picture of a real regulation. of that strength depends on Mr. Bateman giving us a dizzy, London officials actually did make a a sanity and even sobriety in delirious and doubtless delight- regulation that no one should whistle real things. The imaginative ful drawing of a mouse when for a taxi-cab; like men anxious lest the effect of Rabelais owes much it spins, but hardly of why it grasshopper should indeed become a to the old medieval and spins. And I can imagine him burden, and his chirp disturb us amid monastic setting at which giving us an equally exuber- the roaring of lions and the trumpeting he mocked; and Swift’s wildest fancies ant exhibition of a stampede of stout of elephants. It was felt by sensitive can be seen more clearly against the struggling policemen to arrest a man and delicately balanced minds, that background of clipped hedges and trite sipping a small glass of sherry hardly two thin, shrill notes on a small whistle gardens in which Queen Anne took her larger than a liqueur; while processions must no longer be allowed to desecrate tea. What could Rabelais have said, if of placid and smiling persons, clasp- the deathly silence of Piccadilly and he had stopped for wine and refresh- ing colossal bottles of gin and brandy, Ludgate Hill. ment at a real abbey, and found that it passed by like a calm and continuous This sense that society itself is in deserved rather to be called Nightmare background. But this very thing, which the rapids, is already of itself tending Abbey than the Abbey of Theleme? the artist might draw as a lark, the to extremes and even extravagancies, Suppose Swift, on walking stiffly up to politician has already established as has brought a fresher, and in one Queen Anne’s tea-party, had found it a law. And even Mr. Bateman could sense a freer element into our ancient was the Mad Tea Party. Suppose that not draw the mind of the politician English humour, an element of which Anne, like Alice, was already dining who conceived such a regulation. It Mr. Bateman is very typical. It is a with the March Hare, the Mad Hatter is beyond the last visions of Futurism telescopic satire, at once logical and and the Dormouse? That is the discon- and the Fourth Dimension. ludicrous, which shoots out to the end certing situation in which a satirist I am enchanted with Mr. Bate- of any process, and even in exaggerat- finds himself now-a-days. And so there man’s picture of the War-time Match, ing it, defines it. If we all know now, at is a tendency, in which the talent of Mr. and the flaming martyrdom endured last, where science and statesmanship Bateman is at once original and typi- by the heroic citizen, in order to are leading us; and if it is quite obvi- cal, for English pictorial satire to grow observe a special sort of economy. But ously to an enormous lunatic asylum, more and more fantastic. Otherwise, at least that was in itself a reasonable let us at least, by the grace of God, go it might be outstripped by the facts. sort of economy, even if it led in this there in company with a man who has There was a Victorian epoch when the case to a devotion rather mystical than a sense of humour. caricaturists were supposed to carica- strictly rational. Matches were rare ture the politicians. Now the politicians at the time; they are very important From Introduction to A Book of Drawings by are caricaturing their own caricatures. at any time; and any regulations for H.M. Bateman, 1921

32 Volume 14 Number 8, July/August 2011 : t h e f ly i n g i n n : I reached behind the seat of Home rule at home the truck, loaded a shell, and pulled back the hammer as I sneaked through the trees toward the back of the house. There, under a cedar tree, were two partridges about twenty-five yards away. I watched as the birds walked on the ground and waited until the heads were close enough together. Then I raised my gun and… Hunting BOOM! by David Beresford I ran over to wring their necks as they flapped about, and then looked toward the house giving If a boy fires off a gun, whether at a found that I got more birds and used the thumbs up. At the living room fox, a landlord, or a reigning sover- less shells by having to make every window were Paul, Lisa, and their eign, he will be rebuked according to shot count. the relative value of these objects. But four small children standing with When I was growing up, my dad if he fires off a gun for the first time their mouths open. Paul was shak- kept his old Stevens Arms single-shot it is very likely that he will not expect ing his head and looking toward the 16-gauge under his bed. When nobody the recoil, or know what a heavy sky. Lisa raised the window sash and was looking I used to sneak in just to knock it can give him. — G.K. Chesterton, asked, “What did you do that for? look at it. Once, after Dad had gone The Common Man, “The Superstition of School” Are you nuts?” to work, I dismantled the action to see “I thought you wanted me to y youngest son, Hugh, shot how it worked, and somehow broke the get the partridges for you. I said I a wild turkey this spring at firing pin. Because I was not allowed was getting my gun,” I answered. “I our farm. I am particularly to touch Dad’s gun without permission figured you wanted them for supper. pleased because he is only I skipped school that day (grade 10) I can show your kids how to dress thirteen. Hugh used his to fix it before Dad found out. I cut them now if you want.” Msingle-shot, 20-gauge shotgun that out a piece of a 3/8 inch bolt using a “I never dreamed...I thought you he got for his birthday. He told us he hacksaw and put this in the bench vice were trying to be funny when you worked along the fence rows, call- in the basement. I then filed it to the said that...If I had known...I never ing and waiting every five minutes shape of the broken pin. To temper thought...not even you...I can’t to listen for an answering call. His the steal, I heated the new pin with a believe it,” she sputtered, and then shot was a clean kill, no damage to propane torch until it was cherry red, started crying. the meat. His gun used to belong to put half an inch of motor oil in a pail I learned at that moment that my wife Theresa, one I had given her of water, and then plunged the red-hot there are lots of different kinds of during our courting days. I originally pin into the pail, following a method people in the world. And some, it bought it for twenty dollars from a I learned in a book (Ben Hunt’s Big seems, do not like hunting. school chum who had shot a rabbit Indian Craft Book). That pin still once, and felt so bad that he became works and my dad never did find out. a vegetarian. I carved the stock and It is one of my favorite guns. forearm to fit Theresa’s small hands, When I was first married I used and when she shot it for the first time to keep that gun in my truck to hunt the recoil knocked her backward into partridges after work. At the time, I a ditch full of water. So, following an was working as a carpenter in cottage informal family tradition, we gave this country with a friend and colleague gun to Hugh for his twelfth birthday to named Paul. Paul and his wife Lisa mark his passage to manhood. spent their weekends that year building I have always liked that gun. a new house for their young family and When I was in high school my friends I used to help him. On one occasion in and I used to hunt partridges after early fall, as I parked my truck in Paul’s school at the Sullivan farm in Douro. laneway, Lisa came running out of the We kept our shotguns in our lockers; house toward me. “Shhhh,” she said in it never occurred to us or our teach- a loud whisper, “keep quiet and come ers that this was not a normal part quick! There are two partridges on the of life, and they would often ask how other side of the house.” the hunting had gone. My friends “Thanks, Lisa, I’ll get my gun!” I used pump action 12-gauge guns answered as she turned to run back and mocked my single-shot 20-, but I into the house.

Gilbert Magazine Outlining Sanity 33 : t h e f ly i n g s Ta r s : Thus ended my first spy mission. Later, when I was alone with “What do you call the man who wants to embrace the Carol I asked her why she’d done it. chimney sweep?” “A saint,” said Father Brown. —G.K. Chesterton She claimed it was in retaliation for a soaping incident involving her own toothbrush and she somehow assumed I was the perp. I assured her I was not involved, but that I’d just paid the price for some other guilty party in A Good Mystery our house, who to this day remains by Nancy Carpentier Brown anonymous. Like Harriet, I carefully kept a notebook of this incident and many write online, which leaves me open reading Harriet the Spy in my youth, others, spying whenever and wherever to daily criticism. Like G.K. Ches- I’ve aspired to sleuthing. I had my first I could. I discovered many a deep, terton, there are some who read big case in fourth grade. dark secret by reading diaries and what I write and agree, some who I woke up one morning, ate break- checking paper book covers for initials are left scratching their heads, and fast, and began brushing my teeth, inside of hearts. Isome who cannot resist the red pen. only half awake. When my mouth One of my biggest childhood cases I am a writer in need of an editor. started bubbling uncontrollably and I involved a bad kid at school who wore I’ve written elsewhere about my psy- noticed the soapy taste, I knew I had a pair of sunglasses inside the building. chological dysfunction with regards my first major break as a spy. Someone He one day claimed they were x-ray to grammar. The fact is while I never had soaped my toothbrush, and I was glasses, and he could see every girl’s liked the craft of writing, I always going to find out who. underwear. This caused quite a stir in loved the art of it. Give me a creative I had a household of suspects, with the fifth grade hallway, as girls crossed writing class, and I’ll show you some three sisters, two parents, a dog, two their knees, put books in front of metaphors and similes. But ask me aunts, an uncle, three cousins, a great their chests, and generally felt short of why I’ve left a dangling participle, and aunt, and a grandmother to consider. breath; except for a few, who fainted. I must plead ignorance, knowing it is The great aunt was a nun. Could I I kept my head, sneaking around no excuse. eliminate her? I thought I could. But the falling and hiding girls until I A blog does not come with an the rest made the suspect list. came up behind this evil creature and editor. I suppose if one truly needs I spent all my waking and non- grabbed his sunglasses off his face. editing, one should leave off blogging. school hours watching the bathroom. Fully expecting to see skeletons, and But for some, writing is an essential People went in; they came out. The preparing myself to make a public part of keeping one’s sanity, and so, problem was they almost always closed announcement wherein I would reas- editing be damned, one writes to keep the door when they went in there. sure everyone that x-ray vision would one’s head. This greatly hindered my ability to see provide bones and not underwear to the A blogger also hopes those who what was going on inside. Could I rig viewer, I was shocked, yes, shocked to like her writing and put up with her some sort of spy camera? No. I had put on the spectacles and discover they misplaced modifiers will continue no means to do such a thing. Could I were merely sunglasses, nothing more. reading; those who find it irritating to listen in at the keyhole? Yes. And I did. Although I attempted to discover discover an apostrophe or a pronoun The results were negative. Some hum- my grammar-correcting blog reader in some unworthy location will find ming and a lot of splashing noises. using various Internet sleuthing skills, I another blog to follow. A second time I discovered soap failed to discover the bandit’s identity. There are those citizens of on my toothbrush, only after realizing Until one day, while sharing coffee with the blogosphere who take it upon with disgust what the awful taste was in my sister Carol, she again ’fessed up. themselves to improve the general my mouth. I renewed my efforts to spy. She was indeed the Red Pen Bandit. grammatical level of the Internet, I was getting nowhere fast. I decided to Next time anything happens, I’m just and surf with their proverbial red sally forth upon a spying method that going to assume it’s Carol. pens, correcting syntax and dangling would assure immediate and exacting prepositions in the comboxes of every results. I told my mother. grammar-challenged blogger they find. Mother immediately rounded up And they feel superior and smart at the troops, and asked who in the world Your donation to the American our expense. I’ve had such a red pen would put soap on Nancy’s tooth- Chesterton Society supports our efforts nemesis. He/she prudishly corrected brush? The youngest and least-suspect to make G.K. Chesterton, the champion my grammar, and signed himself the member of the household, my baby of the common man, known throughout “Red Pen Bandit.” sister Carol, ’fessed up and was made the world. Please give generously. This isn’t the first mystery I’ve to promise to cease and desist or else www.chesterton.org been called upon to solve. Ever since bear the consequences.

34 Volume 14 Number 8, July/August 2011 : J o g g i n g w i t h g .K. : Orthodoxy—which is “arranged,” as “Do not look at the faces in the illustrated papers. he asserts “upon the positive prin- Look at the faces in the street.” —G.K. Chesterton ciple of a riddle and its answer.” The riddle revolves around human nature—connected to human longing and fulfillment. “How can we contrive to be at once astonished at the world and yet at home in it?” he asks. Face- A Circular Argument tiously, the answer is to get off the couch and go jogging. That is one way by Robert Moore-Jumonville to combine “something that is strange with something that is secure,” to or the sake of provoking a good habit of allowing oneself to get men- blend wonder and welcome. How envi- argument in these pages—the tally stuck in one place—as if a person able to adventure from home with the kind Gilbert and Cecil Ches- only ever ran on a treadmill. Eastern aim of discovering New South Wales, terton would have relished—let yogis “have made many things out of as the rash yachtsman in Chesterton’s me insist that there is no better [the circle], and sometimes gone mad romance tale intended, only to realize Fsymbol than the circle to represent the about it, especially when...the circle “with a gush of happy tears that it was soul of Chesterton’s thought. became a wheel going round and really old South Whales.” Of course, Gilbert Chesterton dis- round in their heads.” The circle of the run stands, liked the circle as a symbol. I am not But Eastern religion also employs therefore, for something deeply thinking here of the traffic roundabouts the circle (or the wheel) more peril- human—that desire “to have in the that regularly suck innocent victims ously, where mind and spirit close in same few minutes all the fascinating into an unending inescapable gyra- upon themselves, like a strong hand terrors of going abroad combined with tion—though surely with his directional crushing an orange. all the humane security of coming dysfunction Chesterton had his run-ins “The mind of Asia can really be home again.” And any out-of-door run with roundabouts. Nor is it merely that represented by a round O, if not in the evokes both trepidation and security if Chesterton found math tiresome, never sense of a cypher at least of a circle. we are paying attention. It is impos- asking “Y,” causing algebraists to cry. The great Asiatic symbol of a serpent sible to run and not be astonished. Instead, the circle symbolized for with its tail in its mouth is really a Human beings cannot run impassibly Chesterton a certain brand of insan- very perfect image of a certain idea of (though perhaps zombies can). ity. Having lost everything except unity and recurrence that does indeed At the end of Chesterton’s argu- his reason, the modern materialist belong to the Eastern philosophies ment in Orthodoxy it is really the madman inhabits a tiny neat and and religions. It really is a curve that Church that represents the return leg tawdry round universe. in one sense includes everything, and and destination point for the journey “Perhaps the nearest we can get to in another sense comes to nothing. In “home.” Rather than the common expressing it is to say...that [the mad that sense it does confess, or rather caricature of the Church sketched man’s] mind moves in a perfect but boast, that all argument is an argu- among Western intellectuals as a narrow circle. A small circle is quite as ment in a circle.” joyless, barbaric, humorless legalism infinite as a large circle; but, though it Similarly, the disc of the philoso- peddled by superstitious priests—from is quite as infinite, it is not so large. In pher points to a circular argument, which we ought to flee in revulsion— the same way the insane explanation is where everything begins and ends in the Church instead appears as living quite as complete as the sane one, but the mind, shrinking finally into a stul- teacher leading us to our true home, it is not so large…There is such a thing tifying solipsistic nightmare—into the as a secure playground full of dancing as a narrow universality.” nothing of non-existence. and delight. We inhabit a world of spir- The sun into which we dare not On my morning run the other day, its, Chesterton maintains, populated stare represents mystery; the moon however (half way around my “loop”), with both good and evil spirits. as a reasonable, observable circle “is it struck me that the circle might “So I shall search the land of void the mother of lunatics.” It might be actually aptly signify a key aspect of and vision until I find something like sane to run on a small, circular indoor Chesterton’s thought. While most run- fresh water, and comforting like fire; track, where the climate is perfectly ning routes, I suspect, consist of some until I find some place in eternity controlled, and the shower lies down sort of line pattern—an out-and-back where I am literally at home. And the hall, but if this were the only place configuration—nevertheless even the there is only one such place to be one jogged, it would amount to a turning around at the end suggests the found...the Christian Church.” cramped, sterile—in the end—inhuman arc of a circle. Psalm 27: I believe we shall running routine. It is this sort of circle (or per- see the goodness of the Lord in the In another sense, for Chesterton, haps more of an elliptical ring) that land of the living...as we wait for the circle represents the rather lazy lies at the heart of his argument in the Lord.

Gilbert Magazine Outlining Sanity 35 : A l l i s u r v e y : proceeding in Orthodoxy. I wonder sometimes how many people have “It is true that I am of an older fashion; much that been converted either to Christianity I love has been destroyed or sent into exile.” —G.K. Chesterton or to Catholicism by that little book. (It would make an interesting publication to gather together their essays about how the book had affected them.) In I Don’t See Why It Has a way, this is Chesterton’s “apologetic” for Christianity, but it is an unusual To Be That Way one. He had published the book Heretics in which he expressed his by David W. Fagerberg dissatisfaction with the interior contra- dictions of various philosophies, better had a student in class once whose I don’t know why it has to be that way, called “moods of the day,” and some- every question over the entire semes- either. Maybe we could have been made one pointed out that he had criticized ter always puzzled me. Whenever she in such a way that we could propagate other cosmic theories without giving raised her hand, I knew that I was by cutting off our little finger and grow- his own. A certain Mr. Street wrote, “I not going to understand her clearly, ing a new baby, like the severed arm will begin to worry about my philoso- Ithat we were going to miss each other of a starfish can grow a new starfish, phy when Mr. Chesterton has given us like lines running on two different but there you have it. It isn’t that way. his.” Chesterton smiles. And adds, “It geometric planes. It was an engagement All semester long I had been trying to was perhaps an incautious suggestion between a whale and an elephant. And describe how Christianity worked, and to make to a person only too ready to over the semester I she was shopping for write books upon the feeblest provoca- kept trying to figure out I thought Christian a persuasive, rational tion.” But then he acknowledges that “I why this was, because apologetic. will not call lit my philosophy; for I did I’m a rationalist who doctrine could be The experience not make it. God and humanity made needs to account for presented in a way got me reflecting upon it; and it made me.” things. Fortunately for two different kinds of In a sense, Orthodoxy can be read me, the young woman that would cause the explanation: the kind as his answer to “I don’t see why it has gave me the key to tumblers in another I was delivering, and to be that way.” solving the riddle in the the kind she wanted. “I don’t know, either, but according second to the last week person’s locked mind One kind of explana- to the doctrine of conditional joy keep- of class. It was a course to click open. I laid tion describes, explains, ing to one woman is a small price for in liturgical theology paints, exposes, con- so much as seeing one woman.” and I had been explain- systematic theology nects, reveals and Or, “I don’t know, either, but the ing the movement from next to philosophy discloses. The other Church has charted the paths that lead the Incarnation to the kind of explanation to dead-ends or to a swift fall over the Church to the seven of religion and proves, tests, doubts, edge of a precipice, and here’s the ritual sacraments. Her let them mate. quizzes, disputes, map to the mind.” hand went up, and I argues and ascertains. Or, “I don’t know, either, but mys- inwardly sighed. Then One lives in the house, ticism keeps men sane, and as long as she said, “I don’t see why it has to be the other circles the perimeter. One you have mystery you have health.” Or that way.” explores from the inside out, the other a hundred other lines snatched from A little lit light bulb appeared above wants to know if there are ways from the pages of this book would do. my head, the penny dropped, followed the outside in, even if one is not plan- Is it persuasive as an argument? by the other shoe, and music of a ning to take the trip. No and yes. No, if you want to look at revelatory kind began playing from the There was a time when I had the question from a distance, consider heavens. I had been explaining what greater sympathy for her kind of it as a hypothetical abstract, glance was, and she was asking me why it was. apologetics. I was a philosophy major; I at it and then plan to hear more of it I was describing a state of affairs, and liked logic. I thought Christian doctrine later. Yes, if the shoe fits. But per- she wanted evidence for why the affairs could be presented in a way that would haps the riskiest quality is that if one existed in such a state. What I was sell- cause the tumblers in another per- accepts the description, one must ing was not what she was shopping for. son’s locked mind to click open. I laid submit to the agent describing. He It felt the same as if I had said, systematic theology next to philosophy concludes that he finally accepted the “So, the man’s sperm impregnates the of religion and let them mate. But I Church because “the thing has not woman’s egg, and after nine months confess that the process has lost some merely told this truth or that truth, but the baby is born,” and she had given of its charm for me over the years. has revealed itself as a truth-telling the same response: “I don’t see why it I think this experience could shed thing.” It explains how things are, has to be that way.” What could I say? light on G.K. Chesterton’s method of truthfully.

36 Volume 14 Number 8, July/August 2011 Two new Chesterton Audio books! The Everlasting Man Manalive Read by Dale Ahlquist Read by Kevin O’Brien Chesterton’s masterpiece on Soon to be a motion picture! 10 compact discs 8 compact discs

Retail Price: $39.95 Retail Price: $34.95 Member Price: Member Price: $31.95 $27.95

New Father Brown Story on DVD! “The Honour of Israel Gow”

Starring Kevin O’Brien as Father Brown Julian Ahlquist as Flambeau Frank C. Turner as Israel Gow With Joshua Thompson, Eric Kaiser Johnson, and Dale Ahlquist

Screenplay by Dale Ahlquist, Kevin O’Brien, Retail Price: $19.95 Steve Beaumont, and Michael Masny Member Price: Musical score by Eric Genuis Produced by EWTN in association with $15.95 Theater of the Word Incorporated and The American Chesterton Society Beautifully filmed with top production qualities.

❏ The Everlasting Man (audio) QTY: ____ ❏ Manalive (Audio) QTY: ____ ❏ The Honour of Israel Gow (DVD) QTY: ____ + $3.00 Shipping each set Total: ______

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❏ Visa ❏ Mc ❏ Amex ❏ Disc # (Or include your check/MO) Exp. Date Signature : t h e D e t e ct i o n C l u b : The Kops took Furculo’s gun and mask, then they deposited him into “The mystery of life is the plainest part of it.” —G.K. Chesterton the paddy wagon where two bewhis- kered villains greeted him. “Jack Jakes,” said the first, extending his hand. “I got pinched for loitering.” The Kops slammed the paddy wagon’s door, locking the miscreants Trick or Treat inside. by James G. Bruen Jr “I’m a pickpocket,” laughed the second, Jeremy Norton. “I wanted to be charged with visiting a cat house, wo stints in prison didn’t deter the bank. Jack-o-lanterns adorned but they said the celebration has to be Frankie Furculo from continu- the counters; cardboard witches and family-friendly. You?” ing his life of crime, but they skeletons hung from the ceilings, and “Bank robbery,” said Furculo, start- did cause him to reevaluate his black cats climbed the walls. The telling to warm to his role in the town approach. No more knocking off ers were dressed as clowns, while a pageant. “I’m from the next town over, Tone bank after another in a city until bank manager was a Keystone Kop. filling in for my cousin.” the police nabbed him. Now, only two Even better theater, thought The paddy wagon started with hold-ups a year, and none in the same Furculo. a lurch, tossing the criminals about locale as another. He prided himself on He flashed his gun at a clown and inside. After a short bumpy ride, the the originality, even theatricality, of his demanded money. Kops secured them with a single rope recent heists. This new approach had “You’re early, Dave,” said the clown. and, pulling on it, led them single-file kept the cops at bay for four years. “Wait a few minutes.” to a bench on a slight rise at the head As Furculo eased the stolen car “What?” demanded Furculo. “Just of the town square. The mayor, dressed off the interstate, he reviewed his plan. gimme the cash, lady.” in judicial robes, sat on a raised plat- The small town that was his destina- “Wait for the cameras, Dave,” she form in front of them. What seemed tion was hosting a joint Halloween and said. “They want to get the robbery on like the entire town stood behind them. Founder’s Day celebration to com- video so they can show it at the closing After the mayor awarded ribbons to memorate the 150th anniversary of ceremonies.” the winners of the pie eating contest, its founding during the Civil War. Its “Whaaat?” exclaimed Furculo, the Kops untied the rope that bound weekly paper had published a schedule suddenly realizing what he’d stumbled the accused. of events weeks ago, and Frankie had into. “Before we go inside for the ban- studied it online. A costume parade, a “Wait a minute,” said the clown. quet,” intoned the mayor, who sported pig roast, a barbershop quartet compe- “You’re not Dave.” a luxuriant mustachio, “we have some tition, a banquet, etc. The Brothers of “No, lady, I’m his cousin Albert, judicial business to attend to.” the Bush were growing beards. Fur- from the next town over,” said Furculo. “Hang ‘em all!” cried a woman’s culo let his own grow bushy and dyed “Dave got sick and asked me to fill in. voice, and the crowd laughed. “Now, it black; he figured it would aid his Guess he didn’t give me all the details.” now, Mrs. Jakes,” said the mayor, “I disguise. “Well, Albert, when the cameras can understand your attitude towards His plan was simple but theatri- show up, stick me up. The Keystone Jack, but let’s not be too hasty! Justice cal: dressed in the black and white Kops’ll grab you, toss you in a paddy must be done.” The crowd laughed stripes of a jailbird and wearing a wagon, and take you to the judge for louder. plastic pumpkin mask over his face a mock trial and sentencing after the “Jakes is charged with loitering,” and head, he’d slip into the bank while parade. It should be a lot of fun.” announced a Keystone Kop. the costume parade passed by. Online Too much theater, thought Fur- “I plead guilty,” laughed Jakes. pictures of the bank had showed it culo, but while I’m figuring out how to “Please don’t hang me!” lacked bulletproof barriers. He’d flash get out of this mess, I better play along “Two minutes in the pillory,” ruled his pistol at a teller, stash the cash in or it’ll dawn on someone why I came the mayor, whereupon the Kops locked a Halloween goodie bag, then melt here. Jakes’s head and hands in a pillory into the parade’s crowd of spectators The cameramen appeared within a just in front of the platform, and his and head to the car. He imagined the minute. Furculo again demanded cash wife pelted him with rotten fruit to weekly’s headline: “Pumpkin Robs from the clown, and this time she filled the amusement of the crowd. Furculo Bank,” or “Halloween Trick,” or maybe his sack with paper money—from a laughed as heartily as anyone. The “Fright Night.” Monopoly game, he observed ruefully. Jakeses smiled and kissed when he was As Furculo expected, he fit right in Two Keystone Kops grabbed him and freed. among the parade’s spectators, most of shuffled him off to a waiting truck Norton then confessed to picking whom were in costume; but he did not that had been decorated to resemble a the mayor’s pocket. “Three minutes expect what he saw when he entered paddy wagon. in the pillory,” proclaimed the mayor,

38 Volume 14 Number 8, July/August 2011 : T h e d e t e ct i o n C l u b :

who proceeded to paddle Norton sev- “Guilty as charged,” shouted Furculo started getting antsy eral times once Norton was restrained Furculo. when he sensed several Keystone Kops securely. Norton bellowed each time “Four minutes in the pillory,” ruled weren’t going to join the banquet. He the mayor struck him, and the crowd the mayor. Two Kops put Furculo in motioned for one to set him free. roared with delight. When his confine- the pillory, and soon the clowns were The Kop declined. “Name’s ment was up, Norton chased the mayor blowing horns in his face and squirt- Dave,” he said. “Surprised me right around the platform until they both ing him with seltzer water. Between good when a clown told me I’ve collapsed in laughter. mouthfuls, Furculo belly laughed along got a cousin Albert one town over. Before Albert aka Frankie Furculo with the crowd. He was soaked. Heck, I haven’t got a cousin within entered his plea, five Keystone Kops After a couple of minutes, the a hundred miles. I’d really looked rolled out several large video monitors. mayor demanded everyone’s attention. forward to pulling that bank job, The crowd hooted and hollered as the “Friends,” he announced, “I’ve made ‘cousin’—not often the sheriff gets clowns, Kops, and convict with a pump- a mistake. The minimum sentence for to play the villain. Instead, I ran the kin mask acted out the bank robbery bank robbery is three years, not four prints we lifted from your pumpkin and arrest on the screens. minutes, so we won’t be releasing this mask. You’re wanted in three states “Now, having seen the evidence felon for awhile.” The laughter contin- for bank robbery, Frankie. We’ll against you, how do you plead?” asked ued. “Meanwhile, let’s go inside for the just keep you in the pillory until the the mayor in his gravest voice. banquet.” state police get here.”

Chesterton’s Bloodthirsty Heirs time. Jommy Cross is a slan with two “I should enjoy nothing more than always writing detective hearts and tendrils in his hair. On the stories, except always reading them.” —G.K. Chesterton run since age nine when his mother was killed by police, Jommy hides in a Brief Reviews of the Contemporary Mystery Scene by Steve Miller future city’s underworld with the alcoholic criminal, Granny, a Fagin who uses her telepathic powers for shoplift- Jeanne M. Dams. priest professor she meets ing. He learns of slans without tendrils Death in Lacquer Red may be testy but is not a who run a secret rocket base and hate (1999). The first book in member of the Inquisition, his kind of slan as much as humans a series labeled “Upstairs and provides the Chinese do. As Jommy learns more he begins Downstairs meets Murder visitor an alibi. Hilda and to fear that the hatred may be justified, She Wrote” transports us Patrick are soon running and that upon maturity he will become to South Bend, Indiana, in a clandestine investigation a monster. Are slans fiends who destroy 1900. The Swedish maid with his firemen friends human children in diabolical experi- heroine, Hilda Johansson, helping Hilda find and ments? Do they have a plan of global serves the household of hide the Chinese man domination? Are there even any other the wealthy Studebaker while the servant grape- slans like Jommy? He finds one but family then making horse vine reveals secrets of the loses her. He recovers secrets and drawn—not horseless—carriages. The judge’s household. The case turns weapons created by his dead scientist Lutheran Hilda and her Irish Catholic more dangerous when a Polish servant father capable of massive destruction. fireman boyfriend Patrick discover the is found strangled. Is a change in the But all Jommy’s actions, including corpse of a brutally murdered woman. dead woman’s will the rescuing the stupidly Hilda recognizes her as the sister of motive for murder? At treacherous Granny after a local judge, a Chinese missionary the judge’s law office she betrays him, and his fleeing the violence of the then-raging Hilda finds an answer memories of his parents, Boxer Rebellion. After being misquoted but also fiery peril. Dams show compassion even by the local newspaper and observing succeeds in historical for enemies. Space flights the doubtful efforts of the local police, fiction’s goal of making a and struggles with slan Hilda fears an innocent Chinaman past time seem real. and human enemies end will be framed for the crime. To save in a final confrontation a fellow foreigner in a strange land, A.E. van Vogt. Slan with world dictator Kier our heroine journeys to a frightening (1946). First serialized Gray, who holds all the nest of Popery—Notre Dame University. in 1940, this tale of answers. Will Jommy be She finds helpful nuns who have no hunted mutants reflects able to stand the truth of plans to kidnap her into a convent. A the anti-Semitism of its who and what he is?

Gilbert Magazine Outlining Sanity 39 : T h e d e t e ct i o n C l u b :

tweaked and transmogrified them into friendlier, cuddlier characters. For example, Professor Van Dusen, Sleuths Saved From Obscurity an irritable and prickly individual so lacking in human emotion that he is by Chris Chan nicknamed “the Thinking Machine,” has his edges sanded down consider- hy is Sherlock Holmes the only once, but a few are allowed to ably. Van Dusen appeared in numerous most famous detective in fic- star in two episodes. In fact, not all mysteries, and would have appeared in tion? In order to answer that of the protagonists are really detec- more had his creator, Jacques Futrelle, question properly, I probably tives. Some are actually con men and not died on the Titanic. Many of his need to write a book. What- criminals, who investigate or instigate fans believe that several more stories Wever the reasons for Holmes’ success situations solely for their own profit. lie at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. and longevity, it is much clearer why Father Brown is not included in Most of the Van Dusen mysteries are most of his contemporaries have failed the series, but several other famous not especially inspired, but his one to maintain any appreciable role in detectives who have since fallen into undoubted masterpiece, “Cell 13,” the popular culture of the twenty-first obscurity make appearances. I was where the Professor must think his century. familiar with several of the sleuths way out of a maximum-security prison, Of the numerous mystery writers featured here, such as R. Austin Free- is adapted here. of the Victorian and Edwardian eras, man’s Dr. John Thorndyke, one of In one of the more egregious only a handful had the original forensic cases, Baroness Orczy’s crabby, any real talent, and investigators, who condescending sleuth, known only as out of those who was both an expert the Old Man in the Corner, is com- possessed genuine pathologist and an pletely deleted from the story, and writing ability, very accomplished bar- Polly Burton, the female reporter who few had the inge- rister. Thorndyke listens to his solutions, is made into nuity to create a appears in two the central character—and is also memorable detec- episodes. Of the two, made significantly more annoying. tive. Some crafty “A Message from the Most of the Old Man’s role is either plotters created Deep Sea” is the apportioned to Polly or to her lawyer sleuths with the per- better entry, contain- uncle, who is created specially for this sonalities of library ing both crime scene episode. paste, and many of investigation and These are all period pieces, but the better characters courtroom drama. not all are set in England. Two of the were stuck in pallid, Robert Barr’s Eugene best episodes are set in South Africa ridiculously obvi- Valmont, viewed by and Copenhagen. George Griffith’s ous crimes. Many some critics as a “Five Hundred Carats” tells the tale of fictional sleuths significant formative the impossible theft of a giant dia- who were popular influence for Agatha mond. Baron Palle Rosenkrantz’s “The in their day are now Christie’s Hercule Sensible Action of Lieutenant Hoist” known only to crime-writing experts, Poirot (though I personally am not is a fascinating look at how deeply with their exploits appearing in the convinced of this), stars in his most corruption permeated Danish public odd short story collection. A few of famous case, “The Absent-Minded life at this time—Rosenkrantz’s work them deserve a much bigger audience, Coterie,” consisting of a particularly helped to draw attention to abuses and and the television series The Rivals of shrewd swindle. Ernest Brahmah’s Max corrected several problems. Sherlock Holmes seeks to inform its Carrados, who is blind, is compelled The Rivals of Sherlock Holmes viewers about some long-overlooked to find a way to save himself from his features many of Great Britain’s lead- mystery gems. kidnappers in “The Missing Witness ing actors including Jeremy Irons, This anthology series is composed Sensation.” Donald Pleasance, Derek Jacobi, and of twenty-six episodes, consisting of In some cases, the screenwriters Jean Marsh. Some portray detectives, two seasons from the early 1970s. The take major liberties with the source others criminals. The brief essays on Rivals of Sherlock Holmes adapts material. Male characters are made the DVDs give some fascinating histori- numerous stories with varying results. over into attractive women, and in cal and critical background on authors There are a few duds in the series, and one case an original—and rather and their characters. The one problem in some cases the stories are rather generic—character is substituted for with this series is that many of the epi- turgid or obvious. It’s blatantly obvious the author’s creation. Notably, many of sodes leave the viewer wanting to read why some of these characters are total the detectives in this series were not more by the original authors, many of unknowns today—they’re just not inter- particularly warm or likeable people. whom are long out of print and very esting. Most of the detectives appear As a result, the show’s creative staff difficult to find.

40 Volume 14 Number 8, July/August 2011 : T h e d e t e ct i o n C l u b :

authorities who sought his repen- The Father Brown Casebook tance. Referring to Father Brown, he by Steve Miller says, “Only my friend told me he knew exactly why I stole, and I have never stolen since.” (3) Sir Leopold, The Flying Stars when happily reunited with his jewels, four characters in this adaption from magnanimously states his respect for ather Brown is a Christmas guest Italian commedia dell’arte are Harle- those like Father Brown required to be when a trio of valuable diamonds, quin, the acrobatic young hero armed cloistered and ignorant of the world. the Flying Stars, is stolen by the with a club; Columbine, his love inter- This echoes the young intellectuals arch criminal Flambeau. est; Pantaloon, her foolish old father who told Chesterton that his friend who opposes the romance; and the Father O’Connor was well meaning but FThe Mystery. Can Father Brown save Clown, who is Pantaloon’s servant and innocent of the real world. O’Connor, Flambeau’s soul from destruction? ridiculer. A common character is the the inspiration for Father Brown, had policeman who, like his counterpart Subplot. How did Flambeau steal the just educated the author on forms of in Punch and Judy puppet shows, is jewels with a room full of people as evil not guessed at by the young men. usually beaten up. One of the charms witnesses? of Chesterton’s England was that The Opening. “The most beautiful Other Characters. Ruby Adams, house parties often performed these crime I ever committed,” Flambeau daughter of the house and Columbine plays as amateur productions with would say in his highly moral old in the harlequinade; John Crook, jour- some talent and greater enthusiasm. age, “was also, by a singular coinci- nalist with Socialist tendencies and the (2) The relationship between Father dence, my last. It was committed at Clown in the harlequinade; Sir Leopold Brown and Flambeau is transformed Christmas. As an artist I had always Fischer, Ruby’s millionaire godfather by this story. Flambeau ceases to be a attempted to provide crimes suitable and owner of the stolen diamonds; criminal and assumes a role analogous to the special season or landscapes in Colonel Adams, host of the party and to Dr. Watson in the Sherlock Holmes’ which I found myself, choosing this or Pantaloon in the harlequinade; James stories. In The Secret of Father Brown that terrace or garden for a catastro- Blount, Canadian gentleman farmer, Flambeau ridicules moralists and phe, as if for statuary group.” brother of the Colonel’s late wife, and Harlequin himself; Florian, noted actor and the policeman in the harlequi- Chesterton Ad Agency VIII nade; the cook who provides flour ;;“The Enchanted Woods of Wester- ;;“Aspo-Cleopatra Aspirin is as effec- makeup for the Clown and Pantaloon; main Inside the Railings; Tickets to tive as its namesake and more pure an anonymous domestic who supplies be obtained at the Lodge Gate.” (G.K.’s than its victim.” (G.K.’s Weekly, July 11, 1931) rouge; and an audience of relations, Weekly, April 2, 1927) one or two local friends, and servants. Note: Not all of these descriptions are ;;“This Way to the Squinting true. Characters Offstage: Maurice Aunt.” (G.K.’s Weekly, April 2, 1927) Blum, Harry Burke, Lord Amber, Cap- ;;“Come and See Uncle Tim in a tain Barillon, and other honest outlaws Temper; Twice Daily.” (G.K.’s Weekly, and robbers of the rich who ended April 2, 1927) stamped into slime. ;;“The Second Sister is the Good Location. Colonel Adams’ house in Looker Here.” (G.K.’s Weekly, April 2, Putney and a tree in his garden. 1927)

Publishing History. “The Flying ;;“Aspiration Aspirin is the only Stars” was first published in Cassell’s really pure and effective aspirin.” Magazine in June, 1911. That year it (G.K.’s Weekly, July 11, 1931) was collected with eleven other Father Brown stories in The Innocence of ;;“Asper-ad-Astra Aspirin is the Father Brown. The story formed part only aspirin that is immediately of Father Brown, Detective star- effective and utterly pure.” (G.K.’s ring character actor Walter Connolly Weekly, July 11, 1931) as Father Brown and Paul Lukas as ;;“Aspiro-Spero Aspirin is, unlike Flambeau. all other aspirins, quite pure and promptly effective.” (G.K.’s Weekly, Notable Allusions. (1) The story centers on a traditional English pan- July 11, 1931) tomime play, the harlequinade. The

Gilbert Magazine Outlining Sanity 41 : B o o K r e v i e w s : black-and-white illustrations of GM art director Ted Schluenderfritz. In her preface, Brown very forth- rightly tells readers that these are adapted versions, and recommends “that someday you read the original works!” Now Mrs. Brown and company have come out with The Father Brown Reader Opening Chesterton’s World II, including in this volume “The Invisi- ble Man,” “The Mirror of the Magistrate,” “The Eye of Apollo,” and “The Perishing The Father Brown Reader II is universal need explanation, for their of the Pendragons.” In a note to parents, Adapted by Nancy Carpentier Brown with Rose universal writings came out of specific Brown warns that unlike the first volume, Decaen; illustrated by Ted Schluenderfritz time periods. When Chesterton died, the stories here “include mysteries cen- Lake Ariel, PA: Hillside Education (2010) my father was four years old. Today my tered on untimely deaths.” But given that 165 pages, paperback; $12.95 father is seventy-nine. The world has Chesterton’s descriptions themselves are Reviewed by David Paul Deavel changed since then: politics, history, not graphic, neither are the adapters’, and the ordinary life of those times though they recommend that parents everal years ago I wrote a piece are opaque to modern audiences. Even discuss the stories with their children. for the journal Books & Culture more, writing styles change. When I This volume also differs in that Brown titled “Chesterton’s Return.” teach undergraduates I always try to has included an introduction informing It was all about the good work include Chesterton in my syllabus. My us of Flambeau’s retirement from crime done by various groups and first experiences doing so were, shall and conversion to the side of right and Sindividuals, especially those involved we say, rough. In a world in which good, as well as of the theme of vision in the American Chesterton Society, to e-mail, Facebook, and texting are the and sight that permeates the four stories. bring G.K. Chesterton back from the main literary endeavors, my reaction And in a welcome change, these stories literary grave into which he had fallen to ROFL at Chesterton has often been have footnotes instead of end-notes so after those anni horribili known as met by students whose response is that kids don’t have to flip to the end of “the Sixties.” The American Chester- more along the lines of ???. Now when the story to find out what a Eucharistic ton Society being what it is, I received I teach Chesterton to undergraduates, Congress or Scotland Yard is. a message from the Norwegian super- I do a lot more guided reading. Now I like the adaptations, but do bibliographer of Chesterton, Geir GM columnist Nancy Brown saw they reach the audience of young read- Hasnes, telling me essentially: Dave, the need to introduce younger readers ers? I’ve been reading the volumes with you are wrong! All of Chesterton’s to Chesterton, and also saw the prob- my first-grader, who is a decent reader books remained in print during that lems associated with the passage of for his age. He is still perhaps a bit young time and were read. time and attending changes to frames to read them on his own and enjoys Geir had, as he always seems to of reference and style. Thus she, with when I take a turn reading a chapter for have, the facts at his fingertips. But I collaborator Rose Decaen, collected him. Probably by next year he will be would maintain that even though Ches- four famous yarns about Father Brown able to read them independently with terton’s books remained in print, and (no relation) into a non-imposing ease, as his third-grade brother can now. that occasional books about Chesterton volume and called it The Father Brown But even now he likes the stories—and appeared, like the biographies by Alzina Reader. That first volume included that’s really what counts. Dale and Dudley Barker, and the Ches- “The Blue Cross,” “The Strange Feet,” My own childhood introduction to terton Review began, nevertheless the “The Flying Stars,” and “The Absence many of the classics and near-classics 1970s and ‘80s were not good decades of Mr. Glass.” Mrs. Brown broke up came through the Children’s Illustrated for Chesterton’s popularity. In his each story into chapters (between Classics series, which took the same masterful study of Chesterton’s early eight and ten per story), rewrote the approach as the Father Brown Reader intellectual life, William Oddie spoke of story in much simpler language, and II and its predecessor. The worlds of an “academic embargo” on Chesterton included end-notes alerting the read- such books as A Connecticut Yankee in that is only now being slowly lifted. And ers to certain scriptural and historical King Arthur’s Court, The Three Muske- even if Chesterton’s books remained in allusions, as well as to things like teers, and Ivanhoe were opened to me print, it was only in the 1990s that we Chesterton’s failure to explain how at a time when their prose would have began to see the sorts of publications Flambeau is back so soon in “The put me to sleep. Nancy Brown and her that herald a true resurrection of a Strange Feet” (a G-rated version of collaborators have done for Chesterton writer: namely, annotated volumes and the story’s actual title, “The Queer what those Illustrated Classics did for adaptations of Chesterton’s work for Feet”) when he had been caught by Twain, Dumas, and Walter Scott. They different audiences. the police and presumably imprisoned have opened his world to children so that These sorts of publications are in the story “The Blue Cross.” Grac- they, no doubt, will one day “read the important. Even writers whose appeal ing these stories are the wonderful original works!”

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dignity and be better than you are. Our Tools for Restoring the Culture very existence is proof of God’s love for us; even in this valley of tears, we should take joy in life and experience The Lost Arts of Modern Civilization the fact that something is terribly the love of God. Sometimes it is amidst By Mitchell Kalpakgian wrong with our culture, and (3) the the tears that we can more clearly Long Prairie, Minn.: The Neumann Press (2009) goodness and value of persons. The see the love—whether it be through 103 pages; $28.80 author is armed with the conviction a heartfelt handwritten letter from a that there is a God; that he created friend, a conversation with a loved one, the universe; that he created man in Reviewed by John M. DeJak or the mirth and laughter of a small a particular way and for a particular child who encourages us for the future. n the current political and eccle- purpose; that he created all other These are all universal experiences sial discourse we hear a lot about things—including other persons—to lived by human persons for millennia. “restoring the culture,” “changing help man achieve his end; and that These experiences have been the culture,” or even “building the all of these are a great mystery and recorded in the great works of litera- culture.” These calls come from all a solid fact. Common sense! Insofar ture and Kalpakgian makes liberal use Itypes across the political spectrum and as the general culture of the United of this heritage—quoting Homer, Jane in all different sorts of communities. States slides from these convic- Austen, C.S. Lewis, Hans Christian Whenever we hear these admonitions tions, the general tenor of modern Anderson, and James Boswell, just to it might be wise to recall G.K. Ches- life becomes one of, in the words name a few. In contrast, the danger terton’s observation that at the root of of George Orwell’s 1984, “bareness, of our increasingly technological age culture is “cult.” In other dinginess, listlessness.” is that we turn to our screens rather words, who or what is This is evident when we than to the people in the next room. our god? Is it the true see friends and family Yet, the mystery of a unique human God or is it a golden calf living on the surface of soul is far more interesting and lasting of our own fashioning? things—generally a flat an object of reflection and enjoyment For some—especially in surface, or should I say, than the latest gadget that can play a Washingtonian circles— a flat screen. It is a life movie, research a paper, provide you “changing the culture” of unreality and it is a satellite images of your house, wash is synonymous with life that—like the afore- your socks, and blow your nose for you. being nice or agreeing mentioned professional We live in an age where this mystery is with political opponents. politicians—increas- becoming eclipsed; and insofar as it is Given that these unfor- ingly is closed-in, never eclipsed, so too is the mystery of God, tunate souls generally reaching for the summit of love. Thus says the author: inhabit a very small of human existence, universe where every- but rather content [These arts of living] lift the spirit, thing is seen through with the mediocrity of rejoice the heart, whet the sense of the lens of politics, it the moment. Yet we mirth, and enliven the mind so that is not unreasonable for love our friends and man’s daily regimen of toil receives the one to draw the conclusion that their family and we want better for them food and medicine of laughter, light- heartedness, and pure fun to overcome god is made in their image rather than than simply the latest technological the demons of melancholy, dullness, vice-versa. For those of a sounder wonder—we want them to understand and world weariness that afflict the metaphysics, however, “changing the the un-repeatability and unique value joyless who live only to work instead culture” is a monumental effort; a of the person and existence. We want of working to live and living to enjoy challenge that, no doubt, has been them to enjoy this great gift of life and life. Without the charitable way of life experienced before when twelve men we want to enjoy it with them! these traditional arts instill, persons lose from a Middle Eastern backwater were This is where The Lost Arts of the personal touch, the appreciation of asked to change their culture. It is all Modern Civilization comes in. It is a simple pleasures, and the companion- well and good to discuss the rot of our practical guide for the development of ship of normal sociability, preferring current secular humanist American a more humane person which, in turn, instead interaction with technology culture, but how do we actually change translates into a more humane world. rather than exchange with a thinking, feeling, talking, loving, and laughing it? What practical steps can we take What can we do? Kalpakgian provides human being full of life. to do so? How can we reclaim a more the answer: do what human persons godly and therefore a more humane have always done. In other words: The Lost Arts of Modern Civiliza- culture? Answer: begin reading Mitch- throw parties, write letters, converse, tion is a guide where one may once ell Kalpakgian; in particular, The Lost enjoy other people and revel in them, again acknowledge and reverence the Arts of Modern Civilization. value a (future) spouse as “more pre- mystery of the human person and The book presupposes several cious than gold,” and as a prerequisite therefore truly change the culture things: (1) a sound metaphysics,(2) to all of these, recognize your own through its restoration.

Gilbert Magazine Outlining Sanity 43 : t h e d i s t r i b u t i s t : paychecks from corporate juggernauts Economics as if People Mattered a continent away. But this model increasingly grows less by means of the false advertisement of “market forces” than by public policies designed to woo multimillion-dollar businesses while denying assistance to local merchants. Local production for local consumption, on the other hand, is The Immigrants Still a decentralized economic policy enabling the flow of an extensive Believe in God, Part II variety of quality goods and services, by Richard Aleman created within and sustaining the very community that makes them. In this he exaggerated growth of govern- them face future hardship. Italians set model, families and communities are ment, ballooned by powerful up eateries, bakeries, produce markets, driven by the ideal that we should corporate interests, has reached and made everything from olive oil to provide for our needs as close to our its tipping point. As the United tableware in working class neighbor- front door as possible with the goal States grapples with “financial hoods like Little Italy, Philadelphia, of increasing the number of owners. Armageddon”T and emotional debates made famous by the Rocky movies. Local production for local consumption follow over what to do about America’s Today, Indians pool money among is the commerce of neighbors. It is a debt ceiling, or which government extended family and friends to create patron economy made self-sufficient by programs to cut, our preoccupation successful business partnerships and family-owned and cooperative busi- with the veil of finance is a distraction to purchase homes without resorting nesses that dynamically keep trade from the grinding halt of our nation’s to usury. Once profits are split, Indian circulating in their communities. production and accelerated outsourc- families move to their own properties ing. For now expect political preachers and invest in their own projects. Microcredit for the Family to quote chapter and verse of tired Microcredit is the lending of small formulae that have failed to reverse our Because most companies loans with the purpose of generat- course. We can anticipate progressives ing entrepreneurship. Readers may to campaign for uniform corporate tax have a fiduciary have heard of successful microcredit increases that only discourage the cre- duty to profit and are programs in developing nations, but ation and survival of small businesses examples exist in other parts of the unable to compete with Big Business. bound legally to that world, including Sweden, where the Conservative opposition to tax hikes, trust, alternatives for cooperative JAK Bank is remarkable which only pass along debt burdens for offering non-interest-bearing loans. to our posterity, and social benefits companies interested Community-based projects help fund for needy families, exacerbates a in other primary regional or local small businesses like disastrous climate both parties helped the E.F. Schumacher Society’s SHARE create. considerations in their program, which gave out 114 loans Finally, neither party acknowl- decision-making are rare. under $3,000 each to applicants in edges how reckless and untenable Great Barrington, Massachusetts. lifestyles, products of financial magic, For the high school graduate or affect societies within and beyond our Local Production for the college student, a $2,000–3,000 borders. Our task should be to rebuild Local Consumption sum is all they need to get started. our economic foundations on terra Albert Einstein once said insanity Because microfinance works on any firma, and for that we will need to is doing the same thing over again and scale, microcredit presents oppor- once again revisit G.K. Chesterton’s expecting different results. While other tunities for middle class and poor “democracy of the dead.” social systems operate under the pre- households. Families can pool their tense of choice, a road trip across the money and lend or invest small por- Immigrants Often Revive United States reveals how Capitalism tions to get started, helping to spark a Local Economics fails to deliver the goods. Eventually, culture of entrepreneurship. Without start-up capital, immi- chain stores substituted for family- grants historically drew upon the owned businesses, which were, in turn, Land Share resources and strengths of their unique replaced by commercial malls filled Land share is a scheme remi- communities and traded among with Old Navy, GAP, McDonald’s, and niscent of the Distributist land themselves. Irish immigrants started Home Depot. Planned obsolescence movements in G.K. Chesterton’s day. newspapers, opened up shops, took up replaced quality. Neighbors went from Groups like the Catholic Land Move- trades, and built associations to help owning their businesses to receiving ment sought land lots, either through

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parcel donations or purchase, in The B Corp (Benefit Corpora- These may include the defense of the order to revitalize local agriculture tion) is a mission-aligned (versus common good, including the widest and steer new generations “back to profit driven) corporate structure. ownership of the means of production, the land.” Land Share is a similar What singles out B corporations from adherence to political non-negotiables model with potential for town and standard corporations is their primary including abortion, advocacy, and country. This scheme takes landown- dedication to purpose (telos) in solving practice of the spiritual and corporal ers and connects them with farmers social and environmental problems works of mercy, socially and morally and gardeners in order to parcel land, over the traditional model with its conscious reinvestment in the local forge partnerships, and create social relaxed legal accountability to either. economy, commitment to using local enterprises. In urban areas, schools, In a manner of speaking, the B Corp is materials, just wages for employees, parishes, and companies partner with a hybrid for-profit-non-profit. Because and so on. local residents to feed the city by set- most companies have a fiduciary duty ting aside land for residential use or to profit and are bound legally to that Conclusion charitable work. trust, alternatives for companies inter- A radical problem requires a radi- With or without the cow, land ested in other primary considerations cal solution. While we cannot afford to share programs are an excellent way in their decision-making are rare. This restore the economy by fracturing our to bring people and God’s green earth makes the legal structure of the B society into ethnic groups, it would be closer together. corporation attractive, especially in an myopic to ignore the lessons learned age when investors are growing socially from the immigrant experience. Redefining the Corporation conscious. Indeed, “the immigrant solution” could for the 21st Century Some problems exist for the B help reignite the Distributist model as Every small business at some Corp, like its failure to address the it has recently in the United Kingdom, point will have to decide whether they importance of developing moral Romania, and the Philippines. Perhaps will organize as an “S” or “C” corpora- along with social conscious corporate if we build a practical Distributism tion. S and C are two legal corporate organizing. However, a modified B culture, citizens of the world can look organizations under federal tax code. Corp with Distributist-specific founda- forward to Chesterton’s first option for But there is a new model in town and tions and objectives could assist us in finding one’s way home: never having it may redefine corporate order. drawing up purpose-driven statutes. to leave it.

G.K. Chesterton says: Art is the signature of man. Be a man!* *That includes you, too, ladies! Subscribe to Dappled Things!

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Gilbert Magazine Outlining Sanity 45 : F e a r o f f i l m : “tired comedy.” Meanwhile, audiences howl with laughter. I do believe Smith was being coy, however, and knew that he was really close to the spirit of the old Ealing comedies. All the good ones, such as The Man in the White Suit and An Invigorating Comedy Passport to Pimlico always had social implications. One important scene gives the Stone of Destiny (2008) historical and highly symbolic. In game away. Because of a roadblock, Directed by Charles Martin Smith the wee hours of Christmas 1950, our culprits must leave the Stone in the Written by Ian Hamilton and Hamilton and four other young stu- countryside temporarily. When they Charles Martin Smith dents penetrated Westminster Abbey, return, a caravan of traveling people Reviewed by Art Livingston reclaimed the Stone of Scone, and has occupied the area surrounding the brought it back to Scotland. Since Stone. Here a small piece of special ny movie that consistently about the time of Charlemagne, Scot- knowledge helps, although it is not receives drubbing by such as tish kings were crowned while sitting essential to understanding the import the Manchester Guardian and on this stone, fabled as Jacob’s pillow of the situation. According to tradi- the New York Times, and to from the book of Genesis. In 1296, tion, these people, who are often called which audiences universally Edward I of England (the Longshanks gypsies although they are not Romany Aapplaud loudly, should be enough of Braveheart fame) stole the Stone but Celtic, descendants from those evidence for our readers to recognize as one of his many assaults not only soldiers and their families who escaped some dirty work is afoot. on the Scottish people, the slaughter after the battle of This is also the first time but on their self-respect Culloden, the final disaster of Bonnie we have spotlighted work and dignity. Charming Prince Charlie. To this day Scottish unreleased in the United fellow. lairds tip their caps when the traveling States, although it may As depicted in people pass by. In the film, the leader be purchased online for Stone of Destiny, Hamil- of the group of travelers is encoun- no more money than ton had been stirred by tered sitting on the stone as Hamilton two tickets for an eve- the rhetoric of the party approaches them. This scene is comic ning at the local theatre. and wanted to make without condescension, but touching Luckily, Stone of Destiny some gesture without as well to those who know its his- amounts to a Canadian- resorting to arms to tory. I doubt if even the average Scot Scottish production, stir sympathy for the would know this background, but it is making DVDs from separatist movement. certainly felt by the audience and I am Canada readily available He was able to extract sure the broader point would be taken: to be viewed on standard a minuscule donation The stone of destiny is ours, and no players in the United from the party’s leader one is more deserving to sit on it than States. The usual reason for not distrib- for his project. He then handpicked the a traveler. No wonder the UK socialists uting the film here is that we would not aforementioned quartet of desperados— lined up to take target practice at this be interested in a movie about a piece a quite unpromising crew—who adjourn little gem. of Scottish history. Sure, just as we had to London to case the joint and thence A half century ago I knew some no interest in William Wallace. escape with their booty into legend. Scottish Nationalists. Occasionally they The movie’s release coincided Director Charles Martin Smith would lift a mug with me. The verse of with a surge of power in 2008 from claims he wanted to make a “feel one of their songs still echoes in my the Scottish Nationalist Party. Had the good” comedy about overcoming what mind after all these decades. The final party garnered another five percent seem like insurmountable obstacles. music on the soundtrack as the credits of the vote, a declaration of indepen- The movie certainly succeeds on that roll is a heart-rending version of “Wild dence would not have been out of level. In many places laughs abound, Mountain Thyme.” Perhaps the follow- the question. Even if one paints that reaching the highest decibels while the ing pub song I learned from the lads party as Leftist (whether with justice filching of the royal slab takes place would be in better spirit with the movie, or not), it stands for localism and in a long sequence that plays as sheer considering its reference to the only self-determination, more Jacobite than farce. As such, it hearkens back to the time the Stone of Destiny has been Jacobin—rather like Burns’ poetry. This golden age (roughly 1948–1963) of used for state purposes since: little film got plunked down in the British film comedy, the world of Alec Noo Scotland hasnae got a king middle of a political firefight. Guinness, Alastair Sim, and Terry- And she hasnae got a queen The true story of Ian Hamilton Thomas. Curiously, this is the level How can ye hae the second Liz and his little band of rogues is both that critics have seized on to slam it as When the first yin’s never been?

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Gilbert Keith Chesterton Answers His Mail to encourage him to keep the vow; and this is the sort of pressure which it is intellectually impossible, not only to remove, but even to wish to remove. From Mr. Nicholson Your friend, re: Marriage G.K. Chesterton

Dear Mr. Chesterton, Dear Mr. Chesterton, government a republic because Do you really believe that the What constitutes the Christian a republic is the best form of divorce reformer wishes to enslave the family? government? poor by destroying the family? Signed, Your friend, Signed, Mr. D.H.S. Nicholson G.K. Chesterton Mr. D.H.S. Nicholson

Dear Mr. Nicholson, Dear Mr. Chesterton, Dear Mr. Nicholson, The fixing of a union that is univer- Would not the keeping of a vow be I can honestly answer that I do sal by a marriage that is sacramental. more sacred and honourable if pre- not think the average divorce reformer Your friend, served without pressure from outside? wishes anything so virile or so clear. I G.K. Chesterton Signed, think he wishes to go with the stream Mr. D.H.S. Nicholson that is already enslaving the poor, and Dear Mr. Chesterton, is already destroying the family. He Is the family naturally and inevi- Dear Mr. Nicholson, wishes to take the line of least resis- tably a Christian institution? And, if It depends by what you means by tance, and destroy the things in our so, why? pressure. If you mean legal compul- present decline which are easiest to Signed, sion, I should agree; but as a fact I destroy, and leave the things that are Mr. D.H.S. Nicholson do not see that there is or can be any too powerful for him even to have legal compulsion to keep the mar- dreamed of destroying. He has merely riage vow. A man may have a hundred fallen into bad habits in order to feel Dear Mr. Nicholson, mistresses by the law of England; and comfortable in a bad society. No, of course not. Are all houses the only thing resembling a punish- Your friend, thatched if I think thatch the best ment that anybody ever proposed to G.K. Chesterton protection for a house? Is every inflict on him is the very divorce which Mr. Nicholson proposes to inflict. He Dear Mr. Chesterton, and his friends are applying the only But don’t you see that the legal outside pressure in the legal sense. But changes being proposed are merely if he means by pressure the presence symptoms of moral and philosophical of a social conscience or common changes, and that no laws are going to sentiment, condemning the man and prevent those changes? his hundred mistresses, no laws have Signed, inflicted that and no reforms can Mr. D.H.S. Nicholson remove it. How can we ask that it should be removed by law? Nay, how can we ask that it should be removed Dear Mr. Nicholson, in logic? We are by hypothesis trying You are quite mistaken if you sup- to find the right thing for everybody; pose that I have been writing to resist and preaching it to everybody. We may certain laws passing through Parlia- desire the individual to do the right ment, knowing what I do about the thing for its own sake. But how can we laws that do pass through Parliament. desire all the other individuals not to I shall not be surprised if it legalises desire him to do it? If there be some polygamy and infanticide; I have not course that is right for him (no matter read any Parliamentary debates for a what it is) how can we hope that public long time, so perhaps it has done so opinion will not support him in it? If already. therefore it be sacred and honourable Your friend, for him to keep the vow, it is surely G.K. Chesterton sacred and honourable of his friends (New Witness, June 24, 1921)

Gilbert Magazine Outlining Sanity 47 : N e w s w i t h v i e w s : Association to remove the condition from its list of recognized disorders. Compiled by the Gilbert Magazine News-Gathering Staff B4U-ACT recently held a symposium featuring a keynote address by Dr. Fred Berlin, who in his past life acted as consultant to the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops in their attempts to develop policies for handling sexual abuse in the Church. Berlin was credited by no less a “When the real revolution happens, it personage than disgraced Archbishop won’t be mentioned in the newspapers.” Rembert Weakland as someone who argued strongly against removing abu- A one-hit wonder demanded a $40 refund, which the sive priests from public ministry. The AMBRIDGE, Penn.—Jason Banks dealer refused. So White walked away, fact B4U-ACT even exists, much less is a songwriter who never had a major smoked the crack and, while under the that it should get an endorsement from hit until early this summer. That’s influence, hit upon the brilliant idea someone who counseled the USCCB when he slugged his girlfriend, who of calling 911 to report the dealer for on pedophilia, sheds light on a number had the temerity to point out that of short-changing him. Police had a differ- of issues. First, having someone like all the love songs he wrote, none were ent view of the situation and arrested Berlin on board could account for the about her. Banks is currently out on White for disorderly conduct. From our confusion and fecklessness that has bond awaiting further adjudication of perspective White was short-changed accompanied the approach of so many his simple assault charges. Should he out of way more than $40. bishops to the abuse crisis. Second, repent and pen an ode to his offended if anyone wants a clearer example love, we’d suggest something like, “I’m The nanny state and the postman of our society’s selective outrage, we just not that into you.” Or as G.K. GOODWORTH CLATFORD, Eng- defy them to find any media coverage Chesterton might have put it… land—County counselor David Drew of protests and lawsuits directed at isn’t the first to notice the serious B4U-ACT. Finally, there is the question Religion went to his head decline in common sense that perme- of whether our culture is about to give VIENNA—It took him three years, ates his country. He has also noticed passive approval to pedophilia just so but Niko Alm finally convinced Aus- a decline in mail service since the long as its practitioners aren’t wearing trian authorities to allow him to don Royal Mail established a rule requiring Roman collars. a spaghetti strainer for his driver’s mail carriers to complete deliveries on license photo. The self-confessed one side of a street before crossing to When the law is for the birds atheist claimed he belonged to the the other side. Royal Mail claims the FREDERICKSBURG, Va.—Ches- Church of the Flying Spaghetti Mon- regulation promotes safe and efficient terton once said that if animals should ster (also known as Pastafarians) and delivery. Drew contends that if carri- ever attain equality with humans, that the headgear was an essential of ers cannot be trusted to decide when human freedom would suffer. Again his faith. While savoring his victory it’s safe to cross the street, why should we provide evidence that G.K. was as one would a zesty marinara, Alm they be entrusted with the country’s prescient, if not prophetic. Skylar announced his next crusade would be most precious cargoes? Even apart Capo loves animals and aspires to getting the Austrian government to from complaints that the new rule be a veterinarian, so when she saw declare Pastafarianism an officially rec- is slowing deliveries we have to side her father’s cat about to eat a baby ognized religion. Chesterton said that with Drew’s logic. Chesterton would woodpecker, she stepped in and saved if there were no God there would be likely agree. it from the jaws of the famished feline. no atheists. Does it follow that if there Her mother agreed to let Skylar take weren’t any atheists there wouldn’t be On selective outrage the bird home and care for it for a any al dente either? Think about it. BALTIMORE, Md.—In case you day or two to make sure it was alright. haven’t heard of it, B4U-ACT is a On stopping at a store on the way A crack in his logic collaborative group of mental health home, Skylar brought the bird with NORTH CHARLESTON, S.C.— professionals and those “minor- her because of the heat. As luck would True crime stories are not only attracted” people formerly known as have it, a fellow shopper happened amusing but provide credence to Ches- pedophiles. Among the group’s pur- to work for the U.S. Fish and Wildlife terton’s observation about the truth poses is to help MAs feel good about Service. She pulled out her badge and of original sin. Take Dexter White, themselves and to deal with the stigma informed Skyler and her mother that for example. After paying for $60 the surrounding culture has heaped woodpeckers are protected species worth of crack cocaine, he realized upon them. Oh, and they also want and it was illegal for her to take or he’d only received $20 worth of the to decriminalize pedophilia and are transport it—never mind that Skylar drug. He went back to the dealer and pressuring the American Psychiatric had been in the process of protecting

48 Volume 14 Number 8, July/August 2011 : N e w s w i t h v i e w s :

the creature in the first place. Shortly impregnate more women at regular announced that they will be taking thereafter, the same woman showed up intervals. Despite his family’s pleas action to remove the monument. at Skylar’s house in the company of a to stop fathering children and start Although local Hillside Community state trooper and served her mother acting like a father, Cumming shows Church has agreed to remove the with a citation that could have resulted no sign of letting up. Well did Chester- crosses to its own property, locals in a $500 fine and a year in prison. For ton sum up men like Jamie Cumming: have turned out to protest the govern- once, we have a happy ending: as the “The moment sex ceases to be a ser- ment interference, noting that the woodpecker had flown off days before, vant it becomes a tyrant.” visibility of the monument on the there was no evidence of the infrac- highway was its chief value. The prop- tion and the Fish and Wildlife Service Un-Crossing the Road erty point might be forgiven, seeing finally showed some common sense Julian, Calif.— On Highway 79 as His kingdom is “not of this world,” and rescinded the citation. in Southern California, three crosses but the assignation of the Cross as marking a spot called ‘Inspiration an “encroachment” is a troubling sign The ugly truth about Point’ have suddenly become the indeed. After all, merely seeing a road the Pepsi generation crux of a controversy. The California sign doesn’t in any way interfere with LARGO, Fla.—Senomyx is a Department of Transportation, citing our free choice to ignore it. As our biomedical firm that uses HEK-293 complaints received from motorists man Chesterton wrote, “The cross (human embryonic kidney) cells in about the so-called “encroachment” opens its arms to the four winds; it is the research and development of their on public property, recently a signpost for free travellers.” ‑ artificial flavor enhancers. Realizing their research was a bit on the controversial side, Senomyx has removed Clerihew Corner the names of organizations using their The Imitator: Sean P. Dailey Edition products from the company’s Web Celebrating Famous & site, but not before it became common Infamous Names with Barack Obama knowledge that PepsiCo was a long- E.C. Bentley’s Elusive Said to his momma, time customer. In a recent response to Light Verse Form “I’m from Chicago customer letters, PepsiCo noted, “With “Just like Blago!” respect to the flavor discovery research with Senomyx, we utilize techniques Selim the Second that have been the gold standard for Was neck-and- several decades.” Leading us to ask, Neck with Don John if this standard is so golden why are Who, at Lepanto, won. Senomyx, et al, trying to cover their tracks? Regardless of where one stands on fetal research we see no good G. Gordon Liddy where a species ingests its own, and Was overly giddy, remind readers that Mad Cow Disease Until John Dean was traced to cattle feed comprised of Spilled the beans. other cows.

Spawn of the welfare society The Originator Nancy Pelosi Claimed all was rosy DUNDEE, Scotland—Jobless Jamie “Susaddah!” exclaimed Ibsen, But, in point of fact, Cumming, 34, is about to become a “By dose is turding cribson! Our credit got sacked. father for the 15th time—by his 13th “I’d better dot kiss you! “lover.” Beginning his career as a one- “Atishoo! Atishoo!” man baby-boom at age 17, Cumming Joe Biden has never seen any reason to support —E.C. Bentley Tried to widen the mothers of his children and has His influence. left them at the mercy of the public CLERIHEW: A humorous, unmetri- Too bad about the flatulence. dole (i.e., British taxpayers). At one cal, biographical verse of four short point Cumming did manage to remain lines—two closed couplets—with the California Governor Jerry Brown in a ten-year relationship with one first rhyme a play on the name of the Tried not to frown. woman. However, she had difficulty subject. Readers are invited to submit His moonbeam, conceiving despite National Health clerihews for “The Clerihew Corner,” It seemed, did not gleam. Service-paid IVF treatment. Amidst with the understanding that submis- this trauma, the human stud-service sions cannot be acknowledged or managed to father his first son with returned, nor will all be published. yet another woman and went on to

Gilbert Magazine Outlining Sanity 49 : L e tt e r T o a m e r i c a : refused it. A century later, in the time G.K. Chesterton in The New York American of Nelson, he would have been called a dirty traitor for refusing it. Every one would have said, “What tax should an Englishman pay, if not one with the The Old Vigilance glorious name of ship money?” I know by G.K. Chesterton all that; but there was something to be said for Hampden; and it is something aint, but still pur- matter. What I fancy very that nobody nowadays would dare to suing my notion of few people realize is this: say. It was the old medieval idea that getting some real That there was actually heavy taxes are exceptional; and that reconsideration one point on which Whigs new taxes will naturally be fought. You and rehabilitation and Tories agreed. The could not introduce a new tax in those Fof democracy, I have Whigs killed the King and days without it being fought. Nowadays come to the conclu- the Tories persecuted governments can tax and tax and tax, sion that in this matter the Covenanters, just to and nobody dreams that it could be we are much more pass the time; but they possible for anybody to protest. That faulty than our fathers. agreed on what they is one of the results of the liberal nine- A comparison of the thought essential—on what teenth century. resistance offered to pos- all modern parties have On any number of points it will sible tyranny, by them entirely forgotten. For cen- be found that the modern world is and by us, has inspired me with the turies they stood together to resist what abjectly submissive, where an older following low and degrading reflections. was called a standing army. This simply world was constantly rebellious. I At least, they must be so described by meant the government having the doubt if you could have forced on any many modern persons, who think that power, which every government now country, a few centuries ago, either anything that is depressing is degrad- has, of maintaining an overwhelming conscription in war or compulsory ing, and that anything that is sobering military force to beat down all popular education in peace. And that must is depressing. The broad truth is this: rebellion. Nowadays there can be no go down among the difficulties of That thousands of men died to defend popular rebellion. That is one of the modern democracy. Men kept an eye democracy, before it was established. results of the liberal nineteenth century. on despotism and they kept an eye And hardly one human being has really Or again, a lot of nonsense was on aristocracy; but when once they done a stroke of work to defend it after talked about ship money and Charles I. were told that democracy was estab- it was established. Charles I needed money for a national lished, they shut their eyes and went to “The price of liberty is eternal war; and Hampden, who happened to sleep. vigilance” was a remark made by some be about the richest man in England, From New York American, September 30, 1933 politician; and is among the three and a half remarks made by politicians that are not lies. The trouble is that the vigilance was all shown in gaining liberty—and was never shown in the matter of losing it. As a man reads the real facts of recent history the horrid truth becomes more and more clear to him; that all the great strides of successful state despotism were taken after the forms of self-government were established. Let me, as an Englishman, for a moment sing (so to speak) of the real love of liberty among my fathers. Everybody has heard that the English were divided into Whigs and Tories. Not everybody knows, perhaps, that this was the innocent way of abusing people by calling them Scotchmen and Irishmen. A Whig only means a particular sort of Westland Scotchman and a Tory a particular kind of very revolutionary Irishman. But that is another

50 Volume 14 Number 8, July/August 2011 THE CHESTERTON REVIEW The Journal of the G. K. Chesterton Institute for Faith & Culture Seton Hall University

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