OHEL COVER_2018 2/27/18 3:24 PM Page 3 WELCOME TO THE NEW OHEL JAFFA FAMILY CAMPUS A CENTER OF EXCELLENCE OHEL is the trusted haven of safety and support, providing services that help build lives, and strengthen families, homes and communities to face social, developmental and emotional challenges.

1268 E 14TH STREET AT AVENUE M, BROOKLYN, NY 11230 OHELFAMILY.ORG/OJFC | 800-603-OHEL VOICES OF STRENGTH Table of Contents INTRODUCTION: CONFRONTING STIGMA IN THE COMMUNITY 2 Hindie M. Klein, PsyD, Editor A SILENT DISEASE 5 David Mandel STIGMA AND MENTAL ILLNESS 7 Michelle Friedman MD THE STIGMA OF SEXUAL ABUSE 10 David Pelcovitz, PhD ON THE STIGMA OF DIVORCE 16 Norman N. Blumenthal, PhD ON THE STIGMA OF THE POWERFUL CAREER WOMAN 20 Anonymous THE DAY MY LIFE CHANGED FOREVER 24 Franklin Buchweitz ON THE STIGMA OF INFERTILITY 28 Anonymous HUMANIZING ASPERGERS 32 Andrew W. Solender WHAT A SHAME, YOU’RE STILL SINGLE? 35 Leonard Carr THE GLORY OF FAILURE 40 Mark (Moishe) Bane ATTITUDE IS CRUCIAL 45 Abraham J. Twerski, M.D. ADDICTION & THE JOURNEY OF RECOVERY 47 Ezy Finkel

PRODUCED Derek Saker, OHEL Director of Communications

EDITED Hindie M. Klein, PsyD, OHEL Director of Clinical Projects Introduction: Confronting Stigma in the Community

HINDIE M. KLEIN, PSYD Michali is a 32-year-old single woman, who wants EDITOR desperately to be married. “Why do you want to marry?” asks the Shadchanit, (match maker). Dr. Hindie M. Klein is a Psychologist/ “Because I want a husband”. “Why, Why, tell me Psychoanalyst who serves as the Director of the truth!!” asks the Shadchanit, over and over, Clinical Projects for OHEL and who was the Clinical Project Manager of the groundbreaking not accepting any of Michali’s typical answers. OHEL film, Rising From Divorce. She holds Finally, in desperation, Michali shouts, “Because a Post-doctorate in Psychoanalysis from I don’t want to be alone! Because I want to be New York University Postdoctoral Program respected like other women once they are in Psychotherapy and Psychoanalysis and married. Because I want to be accepted, to love maintains a private practice specializing in the treatment of adolescents, adults and couples. and be loved. Because I want to be the wife at the Dr. Klein is on the Executive Committee of Shabbos meal and not the single guest!!” the United Task Force, and serves on the Boards of Nefesh, the International Network These words sound so familiar to many young of Orthodox Mental Health Professionals, women. and COJO Flatbush. Dr. Klein is the recipient of several community service awards and In fact, these words are from the opening scene has presented extensively and written on of an Israeli film by Ultra Orthodox director a broad range of topics, including trauma, Rama Burshtein entitled “The Wedding Plan”. attachment, post-partum depression, divorce, and countertransference. For over 32 years, The film portrays-- with pathos, sensitivity and Dr. Klein’s commitment to community mental dry humor--how tormented and despairing older health has inspired her to lecture, write and single women can feel in our culture today. provide treatment to and for the Jewish community. And what is very significant is that this topic is now receiving international cinematic attention via this film. It’s not just in our back yard anymore. Brene Brown, the American scholar and writer, is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social work. Her TED talks and lectures often speak to the

2 VOICES OF STRENGTH concepts of self-acceptance, self-love, and infinite loop: a person is thought of as deficient, worthiness; allowing us to embrace ourselves as which makes him or her feel even more deficient being imperfect and vulnerable, which to her is a or lacking. sign of true courage. When reflecting on what types of stigmas to A New York Times article of June, 2017 entitled address, many conceptions came to mind. “Learning to Fail”, is about a program at Smith Ultimately we chose diverse themes—voices College, “Failing Well”, an initiative that attempts as it were—of stigmas that we see most often to “destigmatize failure”. The program eschews in our lives today, and within the current climate the concepts of perfectionism; rather, it wants of our specific culture and society. Mental illness. student to embrace failure, which in turn can help Sexual abuse. Divorce. Infertility. Older singles foster resilience. and finding the proper match. Physical disability. Developmental disability. The powerful career In thinking about Michali, the work of Brene woman. Individuals who lose their jobs and their Brown and about the many others who are fortunes. confronted with what society very often perceives as “imperfections”, OHEL presents to Is there one stigma that is worse than another? the community the inaugural Journal Voices of Can we compare the pain of a divorced individual Strength: Personal Stories of Strength struggling to raise his or her children alone that Empower Our Community. to that of a childless couple? Or a person who To commemorate the opening of the has experienced a stroke to one who lives with groundbreaking NEW OHEL Jaffa Family Asperger’s? Or a person with schizophrenia to Campus, OHEL sought to further the discourse one who is a survivor of sexual abuse? of the many stigmas that exist in our community. Stigmas that develop due to disability or All of these situations bring with them their circumstance that hurt, alienate and marginalize own unique vulnerabilities, challenges, torment, so many in the community. trauma, shame and stigma. One situation may present with a short or long term resolution, At OHEL, we serve thousands of individuals via while another may never be resolved. Each of creative, innovative and numerous programs these stigmas can be viewed as highly personal that seek to help individuals lead full and healthy and will resonate differently with each reader, lives, no matter their issue or vulnerability. Our depending on his or her family history or current dedicated staff work painstakingly each day life situation. to treat clients with dignity, respect, empathy and compassion, eluding the voices of stigma Since experience is subjective, we cannot that surround their lives due to their clinical, definitively say that one stigma is worse than psychiatric, developmental, familial or other another. However, what we can definitively say situation. is that there is ONE source for ALL these stigmas –and that is all of us – the community. As you will see as you read these essays, many of our contributors refer to both internalized and We as a community stigmatize people who externalized experiences. There is the internal are different in some way. As such, although feeling of shame, of feeling/being flawed, less significant strides have been made by the than. And there is the external reaction of stigma, media and by OHEL and other organizations to which is placed upon the individual by society address de-stigmatization, we, as a community, and culture. They feed upon each other in an must work toward de-stigmatizing all of these

INTRODUCTION: CONFRONTING STIGMA IN THE COMMUNITY 3 situations via empathy, education, tolerance and addresses the subtle nuances of the significant acceptance. stigma attached to the loss of job and fortune, and writes about the “glory of failure”. In our effort to eschew and eradicate stigma, we have sought to imbue our readers, as well as We will also read about stigma from a first person those challenged, with a true sense of HOPE. perspective. Drew Solender, a sophomore at Vasser College, writes poignantly about living a Hope that comes from a paradigm shift, a societal/ life with Asperger Syndrome. A woman who is cultural shift, a new way to be perceived and a prominent attorney and a partner in a highly experienced. If our community develops a new prestigious law firm anonymously addresses attitude of respect, compassion and validation, the issue of the powerful and highly successful those who are challenged will respond positively. career woman who lives in a society where this And the infinity loop will become an upward is not necessarily celebrated or appreciated. spiral. Frank Buchweitz, the former National Director A note about our contributors. Each writer was of Community Services for the OU writes with hand picked and invited to write on a theme pathos about how life has changed since his we presented to them, based on their vast stroke, and how his strong resilience has helped knowledge, expertise and experience. him day by day. An anonymous contributor writes movingly about her struggles with infertility, how When asking our contributors to write about it affects her relationships with family and friends, their theme, we requested several issues be and how her diligence and strong belief in G-d addressed. We wanted to hear how they defined inspire her to remain hopeful. the problem and its philosophical and/or clinical implications, what people needed to learn and Finally, Ezy Frankel writes with poignancy and know about this particular issue, and what passion about his turbulent life of addiction and lessons can be learned as to how we as a society his amazing journey of recovery. can best engage, embrace, and support people Each of these essays have informed and with these challenges. inspired me and I am truly grateful for having We will hear from various experts in the mental had the opportunity to work in partnership with health field. The venerable Rabbi Dr. Abraham such reflective, emotive, courageous and wise J. Twerski provides us with his thoughts on individuals. stigma and its impact on the fabric of our society. Finally, a word of thanks for Voices of Dr. David Pelcovitz, a renowned psychologist, Strength’s remarkable editorial collaborators: researcher and academician addresses the issue David Mandel, CEO of OHEL, Derek Saker, of sexual abuse, while Dr. Michelle Friedman, OHEL’s Director of Communication, and Arlene a noted psychiatrist, author and teacher Etengoff, Director of the Mel and Phyllis Zachter addresses the issue of mental illness. Dr. Norman OHEL Institute for Training. Their wise and Blumenthal, the Zachter Family Chair in Trauma erudite suggestions and comments made this a and Crisis Counseling at OHEL, addresses the gratifying journey of true collaboration. stigma of divorce, while Dr. Leonard Carr, a noted psychologist in South Africa and developer Hindie M. Klein, PsyD of programs for singles, writes about the shame Brooklyn, New York of being an older single in today’s society. February 23, 2018 Mr. Moishe Bane, President of the OU, eloquently

4 VOICES OF STRENGTH A Silent Disease

DAVID MANDEL On Monday, March 13, 2017 at noon, a blizzard warning was issued for New York City and the David Mandel has served as Chief Executive Metropolitan area. Officer of OHEL Children’s Home and Family Services since 1995. He has provided many With a prediction of 20” of snow, icy roads and years of service to the social service community and is a renowned writer and international white-out conditions, a declaration was made lecturer on a broad range of mental health and that for Tuesday, March 14, 2017 schools would social service issues. He is Chairman of Touro be closed and public transportation would be College School of Social Work Professional severely curtailed. The public was urged to stay Advisory Board and co-editor, with Dr. David home and non-essential businesses were advised Pelcovitz, of Breaking the Silence: Sexual Abuse in the Jewish Community. David has to remain closed. written over 250 articles in newspapers, magazines and journals on a broad range Millions of people and businesses were forced to of topics including: mental health, stigma, make difficult decisions that Monday afternoon addictions, sexual abuse, adolescent conflict and evening. Supermarket shelves were emptied, and divorce. lines formed at gasoline stations, people stocked up on ice salt, caregivers of the elderly and frail made emergency plans – measures taken not seen in the five years since Hurricane Sandy, But Tuesday, March 14, 2017 in New York City, was the blizzard that wasn’t. Only four to six inches of snow fell, though with freezing temperatures, many roadways were icy. The following day, criticism abounded as to why the weather forecasters got it so wrong, inconveniencing millions of people, causing major losses for business and untold anxiety for millions of people, most especially those suffering from severe anxiety. A prominent weatherman lamented for all the world to hear that due to their erroneous weather prediction, forecasters had stigmatized the word Blizzard, now minimizing its impact when the word will be used in the future. Certainly this weatherman was free to apply the term stigma to a blizzard, yet to the tens of millions who live with any kind of stigma, it was a jarring comparison. The term stigma has a wholly different connotation to them.

A SILENT DISEASE 5 Those who are challenged by a psychiatric or or adolescence. Suicide has risen dramatically physical disability, or who are a childless couple, to a 30 year high stemming from hopelessness, an older single, or a child who was sexually especially amongst teenagers and young adults. abused - all these people are acutely aware of And because feeling judged by others intensifies how they may be stigmatized on a daily basis, and compounds these issues, OHEL views and feel its impact. They may be pitied, stared Stigma as a community education imperative. at, given unsolicited advice, misunderstood, excluded - all due to Stigma. Stigma silently affects a person’s soul, just as carbon monoxide silently affects a person’s Stigma is when you have an interview for a body. Both can have devastating effects. In the dream job you so covet, but are afraid of how you Misheberach, the prayer said to heal the sick, we will be perceived when your Asperger’s or social recite Refuas HaNefesh U’Refuas HaGuf, healing awkwardness may show at the wrong moment. of the soul and healing of the body. Stigma is when you and your spouse avoid going The healing of the soul is referred to first. Could it to parties with other young couples, knowing that be that it is more difficult to heal the soul than to much of the conversation may center on their heal the body? In which hospitals are world class children’s nap time or school and you are still surgeons also repairing broken souls? Yet, each childless after ten years of marriage. of us can be a surgeon to lessen the tumor of stigma. Stigma is when you are a 17-year old whose parents had a high-conflict, highly publicized Each of us should be committed to talk less divorce and you feel you are the subject of gossip. about those who may have a disability or are disadvantaged in society. Inclusion of these And in all these situations, you feel the staring, individuals and respecting people for who they the questions, the hidden judgments that people are, and not devaluing them for what others have about you. You may even feel healthy and perceive they lack, is minimizing stigma. strong in your challenges, yet know you are excluded from people or places because of the This Journal, Voices of Strength, is part ‘baggage’ people believe you have. of a significant campaign by OHEL entitled SignOfStrength.org, which seeks to raise Since its inception in 1969, OHEL has been both awareness and destigmatize mental health issues. a mental health organization and a teaching By addressing stigma, a silent disease, OHEL institution. As a driver for transformative change seeks to broaden awareness and sensitivity and one of our foci is breaking down stigma. OHEL transform attitudes to a place where talking more helps individuals and families with a developmental openly and honestly about our emotions and life or psychiatric disability, those in crisis, as well as challenges, and seeking help where necessary, is the increasing number of everyday people with seen as a sign of Strength and not Weakness. everyday life challenges. Which person goes through life without experiencing some personal Individually and collectively, we will be a much setback or has not dealt with the setback of a stronger community for it. ◊ family member? One in eight people will experience some type of emotional crisis in their lifetime. One in every 5 girls, and one in every 7 boys will experience unwanted touch in their childhood

6 VOICES OF STRENGTH Stigma and Mental Illness

MICHELLE FRIEDMAN MD Mindy, age 28, had her first bout of major depression in her late teens. She was hospitalized Michelle Friedman is a psychiatrist and once for her illness and now attends weekly psychoanalyst in private practice, the chair of Pastoral Counseling at Yeshivat Chovevei psychotherapy. Mindy also takes Lithium and Rabinnical School (YCT) and Associate Prozac. She is attractive, charming, and enjoys Professor of Psychiatry at the Icahn School her work as a high school science teacher. of Medicine at Mount Sinai Hospital in New Mindy very much wants to married but when York City. A graduate of Barnard College, matchmakers mention her psychiatric history, the NYU School of Medicine and The Columbia University Center for Psychoanalytic Study only dates that come up are men with disabilities. and Research, Dr. Friedman has been involved It is as though her depression has marked her in bridging religious life and mental health as undesirable, stigmatized as belonging to a issues for over 30 years. Her recent book, The different category of people. Art of Jewish Pastoral Counseling: A Guide for All Faiths co-authored with Dr. Rachel Yehuda Chaim, age 45, carries a diagnosis of and published by Routledge, comes out of her schizophrenia. He lives with his widowed mother, teaching experience and her ongoing contact with graduates of YCT and other rabbinical takes medication and works as a cook’s assistant seminaries. in a nursing home. Chaim goes to most days. While he is somewhat disheveled and occasionally mumbles to himself, he participates in praying and has a rich spiritual life. Chaim tells his therapist that he would like to be invited to join the guys for an occasional coffee or , but is rarely asked. Chaim feels marginalized, hurt and ashamed. Any reckoning of mental illness and stigma requires discussion of shame. Shame is the painful internal feeling that arises from the awareness of doing something, or having something done to oneself, that has brought dishonor or disgrace. Shame exists in the context of group culture. It implies a failure to live up to internalized goals that come from parental and societal standards, the ideal of what a person “should be like.” A shamed person experiences his/her failure as a lowering of personal dignity in the eyes of society. He/she fears ridicule, contempt or expulsion.

STIGMA AND MENTAL ILLNESS 7 Stigma, in contrast, comes from the outside, from around in street clothes and did not have bulging the surrounding society and culture. It is a mark hernias or tumors. But on psychiatry, the patients of lessened value and reduced reputation. The wore regular clothes and their bodies looked OK. stigma of psychiatric diagnosis outweighs that of Their lab values were mostly within normal limits. virtually every other category of medical illness. Their behavior, however, was radically abnormal Why? What fears does mental illness touch off – they seemed frozen in depressive wastelands in us that we shun, however inadvertently, fellow or far away in psychotic realms. Those of us with mental illness? new to this world became desperately tired from trying to make conversation and stay focused in For many years, a psychiatric advocacy the intense inpatient world of mental illness. organization maintained a large sign painted on the side of a building near my office, “Depression Even scarier, our patients on psychiatry is a flaw in chemistry, not character.” Whether complained of feelings that many, if not all of us, my patients were dealing with depression, bipolar had experienced at various points in our own disorder, schizophrenia, obsessive-compulsive lives, albeit to lesser degrees. This was my second disorder, anorexia, addiction or a host of other epiphany. Who of us has not felt, at some time or struggles, I encouraged them to look at that another, depressed, anxious, or scared? What is sign on the way to the subway. I suggested this the continuum between functional unhappiness because they all felt, at one time or another, that and mental illness? How does it get so bad that their illness was a flaw in their character, that a person winds up in the inpatient psychiatry their souls were besmirched, that somehow their ward at Bellevue? Most scary of all, could that disorder was their fault. People do not generally person someday be one of us? The stigma of feel this way about medical illness. Even when mental illness comes in part from the fear that personal behavior has likely contributed to feelings that we all experience will run wild and disease, such as when heavy smokers develop take over our lives. Can any of us know at what lung cancer or people with obesity become point sadness will become crippling depression, diabetic, those patients rarely feel as ashamed or when enjoying a drink or two in the evening about or responsible for their conditions as can slip into alcoholism? When does watchfulness people with psychiatric illness. Again, I ask, “Why turn into paranoia or carefulness morph into the is this so?” paralysis of obsessive compulsive disorder? I’ve thought about this question for years and My third point regarding stigma is the prevalence want to share some of my thoughts. First, mental of misguided, wrong beliefs. Many people fear illness is invisible and pervasive. I remember back that people with psychiatric diagnoses can in medical school when I rotated on to psychiatry suddenly flip into wild or dangerous states. In after surgery. My classmates and I felt exhausted, fact, only a tiny percentage of people with mental as though we had been hit by an enormous wave. illness commit violent acts, and generally they We were puzzled. We didn’t have to get up at exhibit warning signs in advance that should dawn to make it to the OR and the work was less alert caregivers who can intervene. Another physical. After a while, we understood. In surgery worry is that mental illness is hereditary and that it was clear who was sick and who was well. The people with such illness are destined to be flawed patients were the people in pajamas, in hospital spouses or parents. Hence the fear of matches beds. Their lab values were wildly abnormal, their with people bearing psychiatric diagnoses. x-rays and scans showed lesions, their physical Here again, research does not support these exams revealed organs or limbs that were clearly myths. The fact is that 20% of the population will diseased. The medical students and staff walked experience depression, for example, at some

8 VOICES OF STRENGTH point or another across their lifetimes. When domains. Social isolation and loneliness is a huge we factor in other categories of psychiatric burden for people with mental illness. While they disorders, the statistics become even higher. yearn for connection and affection like all human Some people will have a one-time occurrence beings, many people with psychiatric conditions of symptoms, while others will need to manage fear that others will shun them. They may self- recurrent episodes. It’s also important to note isolate to protect themselves from even more that medication and therapy can help the vast pain. This in turn exacerbates their illness. majority of individuals with psychiatric disorders lead full and productive lives as spouses, parents, I want to close with a few words of Torah. The and productive members of society. theme of tzara’at, often mistranslated as leprosy but more accurately translated as an illness of Stigma is one of the main reasons why people unknown origin, occurs many times in the Torah, with psychiatric illness stop taking the medications especially in Vaykira, (Leviticus). Tzara’at is that help manage their symptoms. Even though shameful and stigmatizing. Our sages wrestle with they know that abruptly quitting their medication this dilemma and suggest that tzara’at represents may induce a relapse, people get caught up in the punishment for lashon hara, slander. According false belief that the absence of medication means to this view, tzara’at is the physical expression they are not ill. This is especially dangerous when of spiritual impurity and metaphysical distress. it comes to dating. Not disclosing any significant Those with it are exiled to live outside the camp information about current conditions counts as a so as not to contaminate others. Our sacred major infraction that could tank a , yet texts also contain a profoundly redemptive story some people are advised to go off their psychiatric of tza’arat. The Haftorah of Metzora, Melachim drugs prematurely so as to be able to “honestly” Bet 7:3-20, describes four men with tzara’at say that they are fine. This puts vulnerable people who, due to their condition, were forced to live at risk. Dating is stressful enough and it is only outside the city walls of Shomrom. In a time of exacerbated by not having the support of helpful desperate famine due to an Aramean siege, their medication or by the pressure of trying to conceal outsider status coupled with Divine intervention significant aspects of one’s life story. positioned them to raid the abandoned enemy camp and secure food. Despite the pain of stigma Mindfulness of the shame and stigma that and being ostracized, these men demonstrated accompanies physical and mental illness also generosity of spirit. They alerted the king as to greatly influences diagnosis, treatment, and the abundant supplies of the enemy camp and ongoing care. A health worker who is non- saved the people of Shomron. judgmental and respectful will not be afraid to ask important questions especially about Today, individuals with psychiatric illness are behaviors and attitudes that may have serious often isolated and ostracized like those with consequences such as unusual thoughts, Tza’arat in Ancient Times. substance use, or sexual practice. Bringing up such topics in a neutral tone of voice acknowledges May we have the merit to lessen the shame and the vulnerability of the human condition and stigma of people with psychiatric conditions and, gives patients permission to talk about their real instead, help them receive proper treatment, lives and feelings. The same is true for , support their dignity, and welcome them as full educators and others who interact with people members of our communities. ◊ with psychiatric disorders. This is especially important in traditional Jewish life where social connection factors into religious and community

STIGMA AND MENTAL ILLNESS 9 The Stigma of Sexual Abuse

DAVID PELCOVITZ, PHD When I’m asked to consult with secular agencies who are responsible for protecting children from Dr. David Pelcovitz is the holder of the Straus abuse regarding the unique manifestation of Chair in Psychology and Education at University’s Azrieli Graduate School of Jewish abuse in the orthodox Jewish community, the first Education and Administration. question I am typically asked is “Why does your community seem to be the only group we work with who care more about protecting perpetrators of abuse then than the victim?” After recovering from my embarrassment, I explain that, in general society, when we report an abuser, the impact on his family is not immediately evident. In contrast, the profound impact of the aftermath of reporting a predator for abuse of our children is immediately evident. We might sit next to his parent in shul, or his children might be classmates or friends with our children. The loss of income of the family and the greatly dimmed prospects of shidduchim for his children are immediately apparent. In contrast, the pain of the victim of sexual or physical abuse is typically invisible. Their depression, feelings of damage, betrayal and loss of purpose and belief is not easily seen. The purpose of this essay is to summarize what I’ve learned about this impact through my clinical and research work with victims of abuse in our community over the last forty years. Stigma: The Engine that Drives the Damaging Impact of Abuse The stigma of child sexual abuse is the engine that drives the anxiety, depression and pervasive sense of damage that can scar a victim’s sense of safety and inner peace. Researchers1 have

1 Quinn, D., Williams, M.K., & Quintana, F. (2014) Examining effects of anticipated stigma, centrality, salience, internalizations and out-

10 VOICES OF STRENGTH identified the following components of stigma Salience: How frequently do individuals view which are based on the victim’s specific situation, themselves as abuse victims? This aspect temperament, duration of abuse and family and of stigma varies widely. The more impacted community response: survivors of abuse often describe frequently thinking about the abuse, depicting such thoughts Anticipated Stigma: Anticipation of being as the “background music” of their daily lives. devalued by others if the stigma becomes known. The reality of such fears is sometimes seen when Internalized Stigma: To what extent does the some communities respond to disclosure of victim agree with negative stereotypes regarding abuse by blaming the victim and putting pressure abuse victims? Victims often report feeling guilty, on the victim’s family to make sure that reports ashamed, worthless, and not worthy of being part aren’t made to the police. of the community. This dynamic is often directly caused by the abuser, who maintains secrecy by This is most likely when the abuser is a family blaming the child: e.g., –”Look what you made member, family friend, or authority figure in the me do.” school and community. When a child comes to realize that their trust was violated, and that Those who view the abuse as a sign of personal somebody on whom they depended caused failure or endorse such statements, as, “I don’t them harm, they can suffer feelings of rage, blame people for wanting to keep their distance abandonment, and betrayal. This dynamic is from me when they find out that I was abused” particularly likely when the abuse comes after a are at greatest risk for serious psychological and period of grooming, i.e., where the seduction of social difficulties. the child takes place in a gradual manner over a long period of time. Outness: To what extent do others know about the abuse? In many cases, feelings of being Centrality: How central is the abuse to the stigmatized become more pronounced after identity of the victim? When a victim’s identity disclosure of the abuse. When the response of is built around such a view of themselves, they the community or family does not actively and view their victimization as an important reflection unambiguously support the child by validating of who they are and as a core ingredient defining their feelings and ensuring that they feel safe, their essence. Some victims of abuse I’ve worked feelings of guilt and worthlessness can be with tell me that they feel that the words “sex significantly exacerbated. From a parenting and abuse victim” is branded on their forehead, community standpoint, this makes it essential and that anybody can tell how damaged they that parents, other family members, rabbis are just by looking at them. This component of and educators need to strike the right balance stigma can manifest itself in a pervasive sense between allowing children to talk about feelings of hopelessness, coupled with the belief that they regarding the abuse and its meaning, while at will never be able to marry, parent or have a the same time respecting their right to remain successful career. When asked about her long- silent when they need to withdraw from direct term plans for the future, an adult survivor of conversation that might trigger painful feelings or abuse looked at me quizzically and said: “I can memories. barely think about how I am going to get through today – how can I think about next week, let A general rule of thumb is the healing factor alone the long term”? when family and community members respond to disclosure of abuse with emotional support ness on psychological distress for people with concealable stigmatized and the provision of a sense of safety and identities. PLoS ONE, 9(5) E96977. Doi10.1371/journal.pone0096977

THE STIGMA OF SEXUAL ABUSE 11 predictability. Disclosure becomes the antidote to maltreatment when they are children are at a stigma, and can serve as a central ingredient of two or three times greater risk for abusing their healing . own children. The Psychological and Social This cluster of symptoms can be particularly problematic in the highly disciplined setting of a Impact of Abuse dual-curriculum yeshiva. When a victim of abuse presents with serious behavioral difficulties in a Not every victim of abuse will experience long- yeshiva setting, they often encounter a school lasting impact. The severity of the effect of the staff that does not have the benefit of mental abuse and likelihood of long-term difficulty health support personnel. Teachers in these depends on a number of factors – the age and schools often have little training in behavioral temperament of the child, how long the abuse management of disruptive children, and it is not continues, the extent of sexual activity, whether unusual to find that a disruptive abuse victim the abuser uses force and/or frightening threats is asked to leave the school. This can further aimed at keeping the abuse secret, and, as exacerbate the abuse victim’s sense of alienation, noted in the previous section, how family and damage, and betrayal. community respond when the abuse is disclosed. The following areas of emotional and behavioral Detachment from Painful impact are often evident2: Thoughts or Emotions Difficulty with Control of Strong Dissociation is a psychological process often seen in victims of abuse through which they protect Emotions themselves from the painful realities of their life by An abuse victim might become highly reactive detaching from the emotions or thoughts related to stress, showing a high-intensity emotional to the traumatic events. While dissociating, reaction to even the most minor of life’s individuals often describe experiencing the obstacles. This range of symptoms might present world as a dreamlike or unreal place. A related through a wide variety of behaviors ranging phenomenon is poor or fragmented memories from a temper outburst to getting pulled into a of the specific events surrounding the abuse. physical fight in response to minor provocations. While dissociation may initially serve a protective At times, victims might feel so trapped and function, dissociation during the trauma or when hopeless about the future that they may engage reminded of the abuse can impede healing. in self-destructive behavior ranging from suicide Continued use of dissociation can result in attempts to thoughts about suicide or other self- problems focusing on and completing tasks, injurious behavior. Another pathway that can paying attention to one’s needs and the needs of emerge in this category is use of alcohol or other others, and even impact the quality of interaction substances in a maladaptive effort to self-soothe between a mother (who has a history of abuse) or self-medicate. This range of difficulties can and her baby. have long-term impact well beyond childhood. While dissociation serves a protective function For example, adolescents who experience in that it protects the victim from having to directly confront the painful impact of abuse, 2 Portions of this section are based on Pelcovitz, D. Treatment ultimately, healing requires facing the reality of of victims of sexual abuse. In Mandel, D. & Pelcovitz, D. (Eds.) (2011) Breaking the Silence: Sexual Abuse in the Jewish Community. Ktav what happened without the protective cloud Publishing, NY, NY

12 VOICES OF STRENGTH and confusion of dissociative defenses. In the thoughts, suicide attempts or other self-damaging Orthodox community, when abuse is met by behavior. denial or silence, the process of dissociation is often exacerbated. One of the major sources Difficulties in Relations with of healing from abuse is naming the monster by talking about painful, dissociated abusive Others memories that are too hot to handle, and There is an increased risk for the abuse victim putting words to the pain. To the extent that to experience disrupted peer and parent-child community leaders or family members fail to relationships in the form of excessive dependence confront the reality of sexual abuse, it becomes and compliance, or domineering and intimidating extremely difficult for victims to engage in this ways of dealing with interpersonal conflict. As painful process. On numerous occasions, victims supportive relations with others have repeatedly of abuse have reported that their attempts at been shown to be a protective factor in buffering disclosing the abuse were met by denial, failure against the detrimental impact of interpersonal to protect, and a tendency to blame the victim. It trauma, disruptions in interpersonal relationships is difficult to imagine overcoming the damaging carry significant long-term risk. For example, effects of dissociation when family and community childhood maltreatment is a significant predictor members collude in keeping the abuse a secret of increased risk for having difficulties in resolving that cannot be actively confronted. marital difficulties once reaching adulthood. Damaged Sense of Self When the abuser is a member of the family or a religious authority figure, trust in others can An abused child is frequently challenged by feeling become profoundly compromised. A major ineffective, damaged, ashamed, and guilty. Even strength of the Orthodox community is the strong though they may rationally understand that the sense of belonging and support that comes with abuse is not their fault, deep-seated feelings of membership in the community. Membership in a inadequacy and self-blame are very difficult to community that places tremendous value on the overcome. This component of the long-term sanctity of marriage and the family can become effects of abuse puts child victims at high-risk a source of pain when one feels betrayed by a for experiencing long-term maladaptive changes sexual assault that by its very nature strains in their identities and sense of self. Alterations the fabric of this system of values. When abuse in self-perception have been shown to have a disrupts the building blocks necessary for significant impact on their mental health outcome. entering into a successful marriage and effective parenting, a crucial ingredient of resilience can To the extent that self-concept is impacted become compromised. by the mirrors held up to us by our family and community, alterations in self-perception are profoundly shaped by the Orthodox world’s Physical Symptoms reaction to disclosure of abuse. When families In recent years, a close association between or the community fail to validate and protect, a physical symptoms like stomach aches and sense of helpless passivity is often engendered in headaches has been noted in victims of abuse. A victims. In instances where disclosure is followed number of studies have documented a culturally by blaming the victim for not remaining silent, driven tendency of Jews to express their psychic feelings of self-blame that existed before the suffering through physical channels. This disclosure can become severely exacerbated in tendency is particularly likely in situations which a manner that can lead to depression, suicidal

THE STIGMA OF SEXUAL ABUSE 13 can be seen, at times, in the Orthodox community, family: siblings, cousins, parents, grandparents where seeking mental health treatment may not and aunts or uncles. The harsh reality is that it be seen as an option. is within the expected safety of the family that the danger of sexual abuse is most likely. What Alterations in Systems of are some of the risk factors in families that can heighten risk? A communication style marked by Meaning an absence of a language for sexuality, coupled This category addresses how trauma survivors with a more general failure to communicate, find meaning in their life by understanding why has been known to increase the likelihood that and how trauma has impacted their lives, both a child won’t feel comfortable coming forward positively and negatively. It refers to fundamental to trusted adults after abuse. In addition, high beliefs about oneself and the world-at-large that levels of secretiveness and inconsistent or are impacted by facing interpersonal victimization unclear messages often co-exist with a family and helplessness. Survivors of sexual abuse often culture that does not promote open discussion of struggle to understand why bad things happen, if feelings or healthy resolution of conflict. It is not there is justice in the world, and whether there is surprising that the parenting style in such families a future -- be it in school, one’s career, or one’s is not conducive to a victim feeling comfortable in ability to find happiness in love relationships. This coming forward to either parent regarding being may significantly impair the victim’s sense of victimized by a sibling or another family member. empowerment and ability to plan for the future. In It is also possible that discomfort with open fact, it is not unusual for young victims of sexual discussion of sexual issues, as well as a focus abuse to give up on plans for their future. This on the intellectual rather than the emotional, can lead to not reaching their potential because comprise a constellation of characteristics that of failure to engage in long-term vocational or typify a subset of the Orthodox community. educational planning. A male dominated culture has been identified as a It is not surprising that when victims of abuse feel risk factor, as are families that highly value strict and betrayed by trusted adults or abandoned by their rigid adherence to rules. Somewhat paradoxically, community, there might be an accompanying while these families often have an overly rigid rule loss of religious faith. Therapists, rabbis, and structure, high levels of enmeshment including a educators who work with at-risk adolescents blurring of boundaries is often noted. Abuse can in the Orthodox Jewish community have often take place when these vulnerability factors in noted that an unusually high percentage of the family structure interact with an emotionally religiously alienated adolescents have histories needy and often impulsive perpetrator, who has of being victims of sexual abuse. little empathy or understanding of the devastating impact of sexual abuse. Who are the Abusers? Part of the victim blaming process is at times to The perpetrator of unwanted sexual contact is blame parents for not knowing that their child only rarely a stranger. In our community, nine was an abuse victim. In fact, parents are often out of ten times the perpetrator is somebody not aware when a family member is abusing who the child knows – a family member, a their child. There are certainly times that a parent trusted family friend or somebody who the child is subtly collusive as when, for example, they knows from shul or school. An alarmingly high choose not to notice signs of one family member percentage of perpetrators come from within the abusing another. The research literature, however, documents that the norm is that

14 VOICES OF STRENGTH parents, more often than not, do not know about about me!’ and I ran to the bathroom and flushed the abuse. When they find out, parents typically the pills down the toilet. Thank you for believing act to stop the incest from continuing. Many in me and making me feel that I matter.” parents liken the post-disclosure experience as similar to that of having a surprise party thrown This story highlights a key point: with the right in their honor. Even though they are genuinely kind of support, children are amazingly resilient. surprised, when they retroactively contemplate Numerous research studies have documented the many hints of the planning process, they feel the key ingredients of resilience when children like Monday morning quarterbacks. It is then that face traumatic situations. Invariably, these they retrospectively recognize all of the missed studies find that a central ingredient in resilience hints and signs that should have tipped them off is having at least one person who cares. Those to what was happening. facing even the worst kind of trauma and loss are buffered and protected by the knowledge Sources of Resilience that they have somebody in their corner. Such social support is a key predictor of which children On a visit to a Yeshivah in a large metropolitan will emerge relatively unscathed from even the area, a Rebbi told me the following story3: harshest difficulties. The Rebbi has been teaching middle school for Interestingly, many of the other building blocks the past 20 years. He has made it a practice of resilience are available in abundance in the to send birthday cards, every year, to former Orthodox community – an active religious faith, students whom he felt would benefit from an and opportunities for children to actively contribute ongoing relationship. Students struggling with to society. Our community’s strong emphasis on emotional issues or those who grew up in family closeness, high levels of social support, as dysfunctional families would receive the yearly well as the pervasive presence of a religious belief cards from this eighth-grade Rebbi, offering system built on a strong sense of shared meaning words of encouragement and continued interest and purpose, can serve as an ideal backdrop for in their progress. Several weeks before my visit, recovery from the ravages of abuse. the Rabbi received a phone call from one such student saying: “Rebbi, you saved a life this Conclusion week!” The now 30-year-old man explained that he had come to the end of his rope and after years In speaking about the problem of sexual abuse, of depression, emotional abuse, and feelings of Rabbi Pam, zt”l, would caution about the need hopelessness, he had decided to end his life. He to actively confront this problem. He would went to the bathroom in his apartment, grabbed point out that among the various difficulties with what he knew would be a lethal dose of medicine, turning the other way when faced with suspected and sat on his bed to swallow the medicine. He abuse is violating the Torah commandment continued to explain: “As I was about to put the regarding haalomo—the prohibition against medicine in my mouth, out of the corner of my ignoring a fellow who is struggling with a eye, I caught a glimpse of the shelf in my room burden. Conversely, he would call attention to the where I had put on display every birthday card fact that among the many mitzvos we fulfill when that you sent me over the last 15 years. I said to we reach out to a suffering child is hashovas myself: ‘I matter to somebody! Somebody cares aveida -—returning a lost object. By helping and protecting a defenseless child, we are returning to them their lost souls. ◊ 3 Adapted from Pelcovitz, R. & Pelcovitz, D. (2014) Life in the Balance: Torah Perspectives on Positive Psychology, Shaar Press

THE STIGMA OF SEXUAL ABUSE 15 On the Stigma of Divorce: Debunking the Myths

NORMAN N. The members of a relatively small and cohesive BLUMENTHAL, PHD out-of-town community were shocked to learn of the K’s divorce. To all, the K’s looked and Dr. Norman Blumenthal is the Zachter Family acted like any other couple. Yet, they were now Chair in Trauma and Crisis Counseling at OHEL, seemingly irreparably embroiled in conflict and and Director of the OHEL Miriam Center for Trauma, Bereavement and Crisis Response. marital dissolution. Community members were With over 20 years’ experience in trauma afraid to invite Mr. or Mrs. K over for meals or Dr. Blumenthal is a highly recognized expert, to preserve prior friendships, either because who is sought nationally and internationally they didn’t want to appear like they were taking for consultations, trainings and speaking sides or because they were overwhelmed and engagements. Dr. Blumenthal is Director of Group Psychotherapy Training for Psychiatry confused by these unfolding events. Residents and Psychology Interns at North Shore Long Island Jewish Health System, and Any tragedy, of which divorce is one, is often Educational Director of the counseling training experienced as lonely and isolative. It is hard for program for prospective clergy at Yeshiva family and friends to understand the particular University. Dr. Blumenthal maintains a private circumstances. Sometimes the victims are a practice for children, adolescents and adults in reminder of life’s potential mishaps. If the divorce is Cedarhurst, NY. particularly conflictual and litigious, neighbors and friends can easily get embroiled or feel compelled to take sides. While there is some data to suggest a “contagion” to divorce, this usually only applies to couples whose relationship is already on the brink or in marriages that are hanging by a thread. Intact marriages do not unravel because of exposure to divorced individuals. Nor does extending oneself to one or both of the divorcing couple necessarily constitute taking sides. A family can host both parties, obviously at separate times. Or, if they’ve had a closer kinship to one or the other before the divorce, they may more naturally gravitate towards that person.

16 VOICES OF STRENGTH Warmth and support to couples in the throes of a case-by-case decision. divorce is imperative and can be achieved without getting entangled in the conflict or prejudiced Family, neighbors and friends should be supportive against one or the other. of the couple and children while refraining from being judgmental. Actions and interactions that During a social gathering, the topic of a neighbor’s convey care, support and, perhaps most important divorce came up. Several of the guests were of all, normalcy, are far more constructive than critical of this couple suggesting that they probably erroneous assumptions and criticality. were lacking in their ability to compromise and accommodate one another. Had they been more A recently divorced and single mother tried to compliant, perhaps their marriage could have register her children in a local private school. been salvaged. Others suggested that they were The principal is hesitant since children of divorce “selfish,” thinking only of themselves. Had they “always have problems” and he does not think it taken their children into consideration, they would is fair to his teachers and students to add some have figured out some way to stay together. more challenges. It is highly unlikely that anyone ends a marriage, One of the erroneous assumptions about particularly when there are children, for nominal divorced families is that the children are inevitably reasons or without strenuous efforts to resolve damaged. While a divorce is challenging to differences and problems. A divorce is almost everyone immediately affected, it is far from always a heart-wrenching decision done as a last a foregone conclusion that all members are resort. Before coming to this painful conclusion, emotionally harmed or handicapped. The research most couples work tirelessly to minimize the demonstrates that three out of four children from damaging effects on their children. divorced homes are functioning well and free of intrusive problems or disruptive behaviors. There are some divorcing parents who deliberately embroil their children in the conflict. This is usually A blanket assumption that the children or parents harmful and needs to be, at all costs, curtailed or are dysfunctional fails to recognize the enormous contained. Others may periodically involve their capacity of people to cope with even the most children but often do so involuntarily and as an painful life events and upheavals. Indeed, many find outcome of the enormous emotional strain brought ways to grow and triumph in the face of adversity to bear on the couple. When made aware of their and challenges. This assumption often sells short actions, this subset of divorcing couples are often the heroic efforts of grandparents, aunts, uncles, remorseful and work on a renewed commitment clergy and friends who do everything in their to try to rectify their conduct. power both personally and financially to ensure that the children’s lives and routines are preserved Not all marriages are meant to be preserved. and uncompromised. Some couples manage to resolve differences while others decide to strive towards a civil coexistence That is not to minimize the emotional impact of a for the sake of their children. Others conclude that divorce and the possible need for family members everyone will be better off if the marriage is ended. to be understood and supported, particularly These decisions are painstaking and complicated during the initial period following the dissolution and the onlookers are rarely in any position to of the marriage. However, the majority of family judge. Even the research is far from conclusive members do emerge intact, though changed. about the best course of action when a marriage From the onset of the school year, fourth grader appears irreparable and it may very well be a Johnny has had numerous social difficulties with

ON THE STIGMA OF DIVORCE: DEBUNKING THE MYTHS 17 his peers. There are often arguments, but more surveys). More compelling is the increasingly often, Johnny has been withdrawn and lonely. accepted practice of equal visitation (alternating While Johnny has complained to his divorced same number of weeks in each home). There is parents, neither of them have been comfortable pending legislation in several states mandating calling the school. When finally meeting with the such arrangements unless proven harmful to the principal and asked why they haven’t brought it child. to her attention, they both sheepishly explain that every time they’ve contacted the school about Sometimes it is the child himself who shies away any problems, the teacher or guidance counselor from trips or activities that are typically done with has immediately blamed it on their divorce, both parents. Seeing a child with just a father and they are not always convinced that the at any event may prompt questions such as dissolution of their marriage is the only reason “where is your mother?” heightening their sense for their child’s problems. of being different or disadvantaged. In particular, elementary school aged children hate being While a divorce most certainly has an impact on “different” and seemingly off-handed comments the family members, it is not the only or necessarily and questions can be very humiliating. overriding cause for problems or difficulties. Even adults and children from intact homes with a While single-handedly managing a home and functioning marriage can present with challenging young children may be taxing and new to many behaviors and dysfunction. parents, the vast majority rise to the occasion and shouldn’t be off-handedly determined as unfit or Most parents and children post–divorce are incompetent. wholeheartedly devoted to preserving normalcy and routine. To be told that any disruption of Dina, tragically widowed at the age of 45, is now this effort is due to the divorce, may often, starting to consider dating. Someone suggested paradoxically, stifle the family and serve to prevent Eddie, who divorced his wife after 25 years of an alleviation of a problem that could potentially marriage. Her friends are telling her that divorce plague any child or family. among men is a “red flag” and she’d be far better off with a widower. Mrs. Z’s 5- year-old daughter, Karen, is very friendly with comparably aged Shira. They always Making judgments about an individual’s mental play together every other weekend when Shira health, functionality or suitability based on their comes to her father for her visitation. During a circumstances is a risky place to go. Perfectly school break, Shira’s father invites Karen to join normal and agreeable people do get divorced and them on a full day excursion to an amusement can subsequently remarry and prove to be loving park together with his 7-year-old son. Mrs. Z and competent spouses. While it may useful to doubts that this single father can manage three rule out those divorces caused by an untreated young children in a bustling amusement park mental illness or deviant behavior, many if not and decides to decline the invitation suggesting most divorces are due to an incompatibility that that Shira join them instead on a trip to a crayon is not necessarily replicated in a second marriage. factory. Remarrying and especially blending families is a While most divorce arrangements assign the formidable undertaking, but one often experienced mother as the primary residential parent, it is to be well worth the effort. Couples should make becoming slightly more common that fathers themselves aware of the unique aspects of may assume that role (14% according to recent second marriages and go into them informed and prepared. This may even entail meeting with

18 VOICES OF STRENGTH successfully blended families or professionals identify harmful interactions and substitute them with an expertise in this area. Even the dating in her mind with more constructive and propitious and courtship is distinct from that of younger ones. It seems that this is what many children of men and women embarking on a potential first divorce do. marriage. Do not naturally assume that they are a replication of dating that one may recall as a young Just as there are a myriad of reasons why adult. Despite the challenges, once successfully couples divorce, there are individuals from every remarried, many couples almost lack the words to walk of life and circumstance who come to the describe how reparative and rewarding their new painful conclusion that their marriages need to be family and relationship is. formally terminated. Venturing into generalities and assumptions about the divorced individual or Sammy met a similar aged young adult woman their offspring is replete with misconceptions and at a social gathering and liked her immediately. harmful stereotypes. Complicating this further When he asked a common friend about her, the is the often intense and contagious emotions friend discouraged Sammy from pursuing the surrounding such a decision. Not uncommonly, relationship because the young woman’s parents each of the divorcing couple may openly express had gone through a bitter divorce. The friend their anger, hurt and feelings of betrayal that doubted that this young lady had the “relationship are unquestioningly embraced by those who skills” that Sammy would want in a marriage. care about them and ache over their current predicament. Such a situation is fraught with It is certainly easier for an offspring of parents in potential distortions and prejudice that may later a loving relationship to follow suit. The “template” prove to be largely unwarranted. of marriage which they have witnessed is a constructive one which they can more easily While every rule has exceptions, the best default replicate without much thought or consideration. position for those interacting with divorced In contrast, the child from a family characterized individuals and their children is to be as non- by conflict and/or disdain, whether the parents judgmental as possible, welcoming and “normal. “ ultimately divorced or not, lacks a model of effective partnering. A divorce is always a profoundly disappointing and painful decision usually reached after painstaking However, research shows that most children of and exhaustive deliberation and effort. With divorce do sustain life long marriages. rare exception, the couple and their parents and children need to be loved, accepted and perceived Indeed, E. Mavis Hetherington, regarded by many as valued members of the community, despite the as the premier researcher of divorced families, dissolution of the marriage. To do this, all of us have identified a subset of children of divorce who to actively question and challenge any prejudice or were so traumatized by their parent’s experience preconceived notions that could salt the wounds of that they have gone to great lengths to ensure these friends and relatives by compounding their that their marriages are not only functional, but pain and perceived ostracism. ◊ characterized by high levels of compatibility and affection. Rather than jumping to conclusions when faced with the prospect of dating someone whose parents are divorced, the considerations should be how abrasive the dissolution of the marriage was, and whether the child has worked on her own to

ON THE STIGMA OF DIVORCE: DEBUNKING THE MYTHS 19 On The Stigma of the Powerful Career Woman

ANONYMOUS Picture the scene- a beautiful hotel transformed by a wonderful caterer for Pesach. Every year the program is chock full of lectures on a myriad of Jewish topics. Most often, women are not asked to lecture and if they do, it is usually a session for other women only. This year, though, something surprising occurred- I was asked to participate on a panel with a prominent female pediatric neurologist and a well-known Rabbi. I was pleasantly surprised that a Rabbi was willing to sit on a panel with two women. There was a buzz around the hotel. Many people approached me to express how much they were looking forward to hearing me speak. I knew that for a “right leaning“ Pesach program this session was a big deal, though in my everyday life I sit on many panels and give numerous lectures. When the time for the session arrived, the Rabbi chairing the session took to the podium---in front of a standing-room-only audience ---to introduce each speaker. He introduced me as a prominent attorney but then proceeded to talk about who my husband is and what an Askan, Advisor, he is. He then introduced the pediatric neurologist by describing what an important father she had. As you can imagine, the introduction was disheartening. Never known to mince words, when I was given an opportunity to speak, my opening remarks went something like this: “Although I think our community has made great progress in having a Rabbi sit on a panel with two

20 VOICES OF STRENGTH women, the fact that two extremely accomplished these responsibilities, society still views all of women were introduced in relation to who their these things as HER job, and if something falls husband is and who their father was shows me short, the “blame” lies solely on her shoulders. we have a lot farther to go.” The woman who has company regularly on Shabbos, who bakes her own challah, who has Now don’t get me wrong, I am extremely proud gourmet cooking/baking skills is lauded and of my husband and all his accomplishments. I praised, while the woman who is hustling to work certainly meant no disrespect, and I know the to support her family, or is working to achieve her Rabbi who introduced us meant no disrespect. own professional goals, and thus buys her baked What I said represented the reality as I saw it, goods, and may not have the energy at the end just as his introduction represented his reality; of the week for company every Shabbos, has my significance is still not based fully on my somehow “failed.” accomplishments but rather, on my husband’s. Although the expectations of these women are We have “accepted” that women work outside incredibly high--some may argue unrealistically the home (and in some ultra-Orthodox homes high--in the mainstream to right Orthodox the husband’s learning in necessitates that), community, there is no stigma attached to their but we have not addressed the greater shift in the choice. The choice to support a husband in Kollel family and the community that has been created. is a noble one, one that is lauded and praised. Historically, men have been the breadwinners. Even though the lifestyle takes the woman out of However today, with the increase in and the house, since it is to support Torah, no criticism many men learning after marriage, that view is attached to it. of the man’s responsibility has shifted in many The same can be said for those women who communities. Today, for many such families, it is leave the house to work due to the need for a no longer just the husband/father’s responsibility second income for the household. In many to bring income to the home; rather, now it is the homes, the husband’s income is not sufficient to wife/mother who is the primary breadwinner. cover today’s high cost of living, so the wife takes While there are arguments to be made as to a job to supplement income. There are many the impact of this change on the family and women who teach, who are professionals, or community, the point is that this profound shift in who own businesses, and their major motivation traditional thinking and attitude has nevertheless for employment is to provide additional income. taken place and has been accepted. Thus, we Then there is another category of women, like have accepted that since the man is learning, myself, who don’t have to help support the he will not be the primary breadwinner- his family, yet have chosen to work. I know for myself traditional role. that being a stay-at-home mother was not an Yet in households where the woman is working option. I would have been miserable. I strongly to support the family, we expect her to fulfill this believe that a happy fulfilled working-outside- new role and her traditional role. The woman the home mother is better for her children than needs to work all day and bring in the money a malcontented stay-at-home mother. Being a AND have the main responsibility for rearing the stay-at-home mother is a very tough job. It is children, having supper on the table every night, a JOB. Although unpaid, the hours are longer, cooking grandiose Shabbos and Yom Tov meals, the bosses (your children) are tougher, and cleaning the house, laundry etc. Even if within the the product outcome (again, your children) is immediate family structure the couple has divided more important. I applaud women who make

ON THE STIGMA OF THE POWERFUL CAREER WOMAN 21 that choice. It requires degrees of patience education and practical knowledge of the world and sacrifice that can’t be measured. For me to assist in areas of concern in our community however, I am thrilled that I live in a time where would be a tremendous loss. For example, due a woman has options. I am blessed to have an to my experience in criminal practice, I have a lot important and satisfying career. I am a successful of knowledge about the drug epidemic. Whether attorney and a partner in a highly prestigious law we are ready to admit it or not, we have an firm. I sit on numerous boards and professional increasing drug problem in the frum community, associations. I have worked hard to get where I especially with teenage boys. Most am. In the world where I operate professionally, do not “allow” women to sit on the Board. The I am well regarded and highly respected. Yet, in few that do will generally invite only the Ladies my own community, there is a stigma associated Auxiliary President and PTA Board President with my choice; I am not forced to be working (who may be a man but is usually a woman) outside the home, so why have I taken that path? to serve. Realistically, a woman with my kind And if I have already decided on that path, why of job schedule would not be an appropriate fit does it need to be in such a public and high- for either of those two jobs, and therefore there powered position? would be no way for me to serve on the Board, even though my expertise would be very useful. People express concerns about my children, Rabbis in the community call me on a consistent and sympathy for my husband. After all, I’m the basis for advice on criminal issues, drug issues woman who has never baked her own challah and and especially divorce and domestic violence who, at the end of the week, is more interested issues, yet there is no formal way to include me in in just being with her family than in entertaining the general conversation of community problem every Friday night. Every year on Purim, we get solving. together for the Seudah/Purim meal with several families. Most of the other women contribute their It is truly a shame. In the general Jewish and home cooked or baked delicacies, while I’m the secular communities, I am constantly asked to woman who is assigned to bring soft drinks and assist, serve on Boards, and have the ability to paper goods. My friends are always merciful and significantly contribute. However, in my own I truly appreciate this gesture. They understand community, I am still waiting for a Rabbi to call the demands of my job, and are happy to assist upon me to help with an emergency that I would me when they can. be most suited to handle. Of course, this is not just about me. I know there are other women who There are many Orthodox women today working feel the same. I know there are women who feel in the general society who are accomplishing stigmatized and marginalized by the community great things. We need to keep them engaged in that they are so proud to be part of. our community so they can use their G-d given strengths for the betterment of our community. We must bring these women into the fold. Part Stigmatizing these women and therefore not of the solution might be by establishing positions utilizing their skills to better our society is a wherein women can use the same skills that have tremendous loss. The traditional female role in made them successful in their careers to better supporting the community and its institutions our community. Our professional experience has may not appeal to many of these working given us the ability to impact our community in a women, or fit with what they do well. Ladies’ different way. Auxiliary, bake sales, Chinese auctions etc., may not attract high-powered career women. Our community applauds women who work To not find a way for these women to use their to support their husbands in Kollel, or who

22 VOICES OF STRENGTH work to supplement the family’s income, while stigmatizing the women who choose highly professional—and sometimes powerful—career paths. The community must be accepting of ALL women who work outside the home. If it is ok to be a teacher and a speech therapist, then it should be OK to be a lawyer, judge, doctor, or CEO. On behalf of these women, I ask our community to remove the stigma, respect our positions, education and accomplishments, and utilize our tremendous “kochos” (strengths). I ask that we accept that our Orthodox religion has room to adjust some cultural norms, as has been done for the men who are not the family breadwinners, and the women who work to support them. Finally, I ask that we respect and accept high profile career women in our community without this being seen as a threat to our way of life, and without making highly professional women in our community feel that somehow they have failed for succeeding. ◊

ON THE STIGMA OF THE POWERFUL CAREER WOMAN 23 The Day My Life Changed Forever

FRANKLIN BUCHWEITZ Friday, September 23, 2011 began as thousands of days before: up at 5:45 AM, and rushing to Frank Buchweitz has a Masters in Educational catch the train from Suffern to lower Manhattan Administration from NYU and a permanent Principal’s license from New York State. He had for my job as National Director of Community been working in Jewish Education from 1967 until Services for the Orthodox Union. It was pouring his stroke in 2011. and gloomy that day, but my mind was focused on the myriads of projects that I was working on. That was my work ethos—staying constantly active and getting the job done as efficiently as possible. I got into the office at 8:25 AM and as always, threw myself into action. Little did I know that my world was about to explode. I was a walking time bomb. At 10 AM I went to talk to my assistant. “Frank!” she gasped, “What's wrong? Are you ok?" I had no idea what she was talking about. I said I was fine, totally unaware that my words were slurred, my face was drooping on one side and I couldn't walk straight. She ran for help and in short order they had me lying on the floor. Hatzolah soon arrived and they rushed me to Beth Israel Hospital, which was the closest medical facility. Within minutes, I was given all sorts of neurological evaluations and I was ultimately diagnosed with having suffered a major stroke from a completely blocked right carotid artery. My wife Susan flew down from her job as Clinical Director of a special education school in Rockland. Little did we know that our lives were about to change forever. The next few weeks I spent in the ICU. It was a nightmare. I was completely helpless, with no control over my body. It was three days before the Yomim Noraim, High Holy Days, and our Tefillot took on special meaning as my wife, who did not leave my side, and I davened and prayed to G-d to

24 VOICES OF STRENGTH save my life. I spent 11 weeks at BIMC and finally enjoying tennis with my wife, bike riding, etc. The returned home the end of November. Because I physical minutia of activities, those miraculous suffered from extreme spasticity, I was unable step-by-step actions that one never truly thinks to move my left arm and hand, had a dropped about, I can no longer do. I am no longer able to foot, severely limiting my walking ability, and was drive, as I have poor peripheral vision, and that mostly unaware that I even had a left side! has been another devastatingly harsh blow to my independence. It was very difficult adjusting to the extreme challenges of my new life, my new body and However, out of all these challenges, the most my new state of not having control over my bitter pill to swallow was no longer being able to destiny and myself. I have always been a very work. The external “perception” was that I was independent man, a “take charge” person, incapable of doing so. Although I could not manage leading people and designing programs. I always the physicality of actually traveling to Manhattan functioned best when I was in a whirlwind of on a daily basis, I was capable of working from activity and productivity. I always experienced home, which I did rather successfully for the first great pride in my accomplishments in Jewish year and a half, post-stroke. However, the needs Education and innovative communal programs. of the organization required my being physically present in the office, which I could not do. But now, I had to adapt to “the new normal.” My entire adult life has been devoted to non- My first year was extremely challenging, as I profit, Klal Yisroel activities, from had intensive physical, occupational and speech Director, to Principal of the English Department therapy to try and regain my abilities. Gradually, at Yeshivas, to developing groundbreaking by the first anniversary of my stroke, I was able programs in parent education, marriage to walk short distances in my house with a cane. programs to strengthen the Jewish family, Nevertheless, to this day, I still have no use of Tefillah programs, addressing youth issues such my left arm and hand. The other dimension that as drug abuse, eating disorders, etc. I was at the is extremely difficult to come to terms with is pinnacle of my career of giving service to the not having total control over my life and having Jewish community when this stroke transformed to depend on others for my basic needs. Want my life. My body might be somewhat broken, but a glass of water? I need help. Wanting to walk G-d spared my brain, which still works just fine! up the stairs every night? I need help. Wanting That is one of the major stigmas that a person to get a nosh from the bakery? (My favorite with a visible physical disability faces: people pastime!) I need my aides to escort me. And they assume that because you have trouble walking or always tattle on me to my wife! I need someone’s can’t move a limb, your intelligence and cognitive assistance to do all the basic things that we all abilities, and all the things that combine to make take for granted. This sense of dependency is so you who you are, are also totally compromised. painful and gut-wrenching for me. Yet, I know Yes, it takes me longer to walk and I am clearly that at least for now, I have no choice. viewed as “dis-abled ” (which is not synonymous The hardest issue of this catastrophic life change with “not having ability”). Yes, my left hand is was accepting the reality that the things I love to visibly contorted and not usable, but why does do, I could not do anymore. As a very physically this have to mean that I can’t work? Or contribute? active man, who enjoyed playing sports, this was Or continue being the positive influence that I like a painful reality. Up until the day of my stroke, to believe I have been? This is sadly one of the I was playing baseball every weekend, regularly greatest challenges I’ve encountered in having a visible physical anomaly: there is an assumption

THE DAY MY LIFE CHANGED FOREVER 25 that a “disability” means you no longer have an By nature, I have always been an optimist. I never ability to function and be a whole person. sit and wallow in self-pity, crying, “Why me?” Instead, I turn my energies first into trying to find One of the most painful experiences we had as a cure for my physical limitations. To this day, I a couple was at a wedding. A challenge I face continuously search medical sites for studies and when going out is having to use the Ladies research treatments that address my particular Room because it is well suited to private and issues, and have participated in many clinical well appointed Handicapped restrooms. Almost trials. I always believe that someday I will regain always, women smile and hold the door open for my former physical capabilities, play sports again my wife to bring my wheelchair in. Only ONCE and no longer have to be so physically dependent did a middle-aged woman make a huge scene, on others to take care of my basic needs. when she loudly demanded to know why my wife didn’t take me to the Men’s room. My wife, who I am an incredibly fortunate man to live in the is generally quiet in nature said, “My husband is community of Wesley Hills, NY. What initially clearly in need of my help.” When the woman began as a “Let’s help Frank out,” effort has turned continued to berate her, my wife replied, “Just into weekly minyan on Friday and Saturday because he needs a wheelchair doesn’t mean nights. My neighbors even have named our cozy that he can’t go to a Simcha, or that I should throw home shul, KBH: Kehillath Bais Hillel (my Hebrew him in the garbage!” Highly distressed, my wife name). They and many of their children come turned us around and exited the bathroom, fully every single week. I also research and write a intent on just leaving. All of a sudden, the Bride Dvar Torah, which I give every Friday night. One and her bridal party came running out in tears of my neighbors, truly an angel in disguise, is and begged us to stay and use the Ladies Room. Motty Neiman. He has taken it upon himself to The Bride assured us that not everyone was bring me to shul in my wheelchair, every single insensitive and hurtful. That was a memorable Shabbos morning and Yom Tov mornings. I go experience and a real eye opener for me of what in rain and snow (we do have to skip the sleet!), it could mean to stand out and be perceived as and my wife and I are incredibly grateful for no longer being wanted because I’m “different.” this kindness. In shul, I have my special spot. I have the honor of calling the Bar boys Fortunately, my general experience has been to be and Grooms to the Torah in my tenor voice. For the grateful recipient of complete strangers from the past two years, I, along with a wonderful all walks of life who graciously offer assistance. committee, have been able to coordinate several Black, white, young, old, tattooed construction Shabbaton weekends for singles, which have workers; rarely does anyone hesitate to offer been enormously successful. assistance. Frequently, when we are in a parking lot and my wife is trying to get me out of the car, My message to everyone is that although only invariably, someone will rush over asking if we Hashem knows our destiny, we always have need help. One of the sweetest memories was the opportunity to seize the moment and allow when a couple in their eighties and somewhat our essence and our abilities to shine forth, no frail themselves, came over and asked to help us! matter what our particular challenges might be. I never want to be known as “Poor Frank, look The challenge for people who are not disabled, is at him, look at what he’s lost,” but rather as, to have the ability and sensitivity to look beyond “Wow, look at that Frank – look at his positive the external physicality. Always remember that attitude and how much he has to contribute to “There but for the grace of G-d, go I!” our community!”

26 VOICES OF STRENGTH In the famous poem, The Road Not Taken, Robert Frost gracefully talks about having to choose, at a fork in the road, either a path well-traveled, or one that has many twists and turns and has barely been used: “Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both… And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth; Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim Because it was grassy and wanted wear, Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same, And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way I doubted if I should ever come back. I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I — I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.” I did not get to choose the path I am currently on. But in being pushed by Hashem to take the road less traveled, I have been given a unique opportunity to forge a different path. I can still make a difference, I can still be me and I can continue making contributions to the Jewish Community. Just with a different twist. ◊

THE DAY MY LIFE CHANGED FOREVER 27 On the Stigma of Infertility

ANONYMOUS “Have you tried this Segulah?” “Have you called this doctor and that doctor who got someone pregnant after many years of failed procedures?” “Did you meet with this Rabbi or that Rebbetizin?” After struggling with infertility for close to 10 years, we continue to be met with these common forms of unsolicited advice. Our delicate and seemingly private situation is apparently a public problem available for friends, family, acquaintances and co-workers to constantly react to. The stigma experienced from each of these groups has been different and somewhat varied, based on the pre- 5-year marriage mark vs. the years thereafter. Friends Making new friends is difficult. Most couples in our age group are busy with their own families and we lack common ground. Now more than ever, our childhood friends are the ones that we seek contact with. They are the ones who have stayed connected to us and who’ve seen us through the trials and tribulations, the ups and downs throughout our entire life. We know that our childhood friends are yearning for us to open up about our struggles. Nevertheless, it is very difficult to do so. More often than not, we find ourselves enjoying the company of those who love to talk more about their lives and themselves. We find that this is an easy way to avoid talking about our own problems. At times, friends may feel uncomfortable telling us about their own pregnancies or births. In an

28 VOICES OF STRENGTH attempt to be sensitive, they may actively try to us a lot of happiness. hide upcoming news. Yet, they still expect us to be happy and enthusiastic when their new baby Unfortunately, as much as siblings see the joy we arrives. Recently a close friend announced the get from being around our nieces and nephews, birth of a baby boy. We never knew they were they are not sure how much contact with their kids expecting a baby and were traveling when the is healthy for us. baby was born. Naturally, we were unable to attend the Bris. Afterwards, we were berated for Acquaintances not asking about the simcha. Acquaintances, such as synagogue members, or The unfortunate reality is that no one really knows friends of friends, are quickest to offer unsolicited how to deal with this problem. They are never advice, and they make sure to follow up too. quite sure what news to share or how to share it. Lately, we’ve noticed a shift from classifying us Too often, the awkwardness is difficult and painful. as a couple who “doesn’t” have kids, to a couple who “can’t” have kids, a categorization which is Family extremely hurtful. We are frequently left out of community simchas, particularly brit milahs, be it Our parents are generally in the loop about our intentional or not. We can’t help but think people journey and failed procedures. As much as they assume it is too hard for us to attend (which it know the medical outlook is not good, they continue sometimes is). If we bump into old school friends, to be hopeful and suggest additional methods of the first question is usually, How many kids do you trying. If they hear about a success story from have?” When we answer “none,” you can see the an acquaintance, they will quickly give us a new humiliation and discomfort in their eyes, and we go doctor referral. They are highly optimistic; so much home feeling worse for them than for us. We tend so it’s as if they are in denial about the likelihood to avoid attending events where we might run into that we may not have a successful ending to this people who don’t know our “situation.” From time journey. Frequently, our phone conversations to time, we encounter intrusive people who ask with parents end with statements like “soon you everyone everything, and they are the first ones will have good news for us” and “I pray for you to inquire about how many kids we have. Over every day” and “you guys are too good to not be time, we have come to realize that these are often blessed with children.” While said lovingly and in insecure individuals who are actively deflecting a well-meaning way, statements such as these attention from their own problems. constantly bring tears to our eyes. Co-workers Siblings, while not aware of the details of our journey, are hurting inside and are unsure of how At work, I find that my colleagues are constantly to deal with the situation. We usually find out trying to figure me out. An Orthodox Jewish girl about new pregnancies by overhearing a phone who doesn’t have kids, how could this be? This is conversation such as “how do you feel?” or hearing certainly a contradiction to everything they have a story about someone getting “sick.” Rarely are heard about Orthodox Jews having large families we told of upcoming births directly, which makes with many children. things so much more awkward as family members try to hide the inevitable. In reality, the contact with Starting our family has been my number one our nieces and nephews is one of the only joys we priority and, in turn, it has negatively impacted my have. While every new pregnancy is a reminder of career growth. Career progress requires additional what we don’t have, in the long term, it does bring time investment at each level; not just in the job

ON THE STIGMA OF INFERTILITY 29 itself, but also the process of networking that is services. Most pop in and out because they are required to get those desired promotions. Since I busy with kids at home. Time spent as a spectator was so focused on infertility procedures, I always for Simchat Torah festivities has dwindled through felt that I wouldn’t be able to handle the additional the years to the point where I now don’t attend challenge of a new role, and I did not feel up to at all. My heart breaks for my husband who is socializing and promoting myself. Instead I found forced to be there for the traditional hakafot with myself taking the “easy way out” by staying in a no children to dance with. In reality though, every safe position that required the minimum amount service in shul is difficult for my husband without of work, where I felt like the expert. Through the having a son sitting next to him or walking there years, colleagues who had boyfriends about the and back with him. When Chanukah arrives, and time I got married are now on their 2nd maternity we pass by the toy store, we so wish we had our leave, and are one or two positions ahead of me own children to shower with gifts. However, we in their careers. Like family members, they avoid are faced with new hope and a strengthening of our directly sharing news of their pregnancies. Instead, bond as a couple as we stare into the candlelight I often overhear their hushed huddles around the for 8 nights praying for our own personal miracle. office as others offer their congratulations. Purim too, has become a holiday of prayer for us as well, as we try avoiding situations that can bring I finally experienced the relief of feeling understood envy by seeing kids in their cute costumes. When when I shared with my supervisors, on a “need to Pesach comes, it’s a marker of the quick passage know” basis, news of a pending (and then failed) of time and the pain we feel sitting at the Seder adoption. These supervisors finally recognized with no children at our sides.. We pray again that that there was a reason why I’d been at the same next year we should have a child at the table to position level for so many years. In general, I fulfill the mitzvah of recounting the story of Pesach have come to realize that my superiors at work to our children. will have more respect and understanding for my situation when I can be clear and consistent about Our reality has brought us to the stark realization my priorities. that everyone has problems. There is a famous parable that tells us that if everyone had a suitcase This Challenge in Life with their personal problems and brought them to a central place, dropped them off and had For my husband and I, living a life of infertility is the option to take a different one, they would all extremely difficult, and the gap in our life is present choose the same suitcase. Why? Because we every single moment. become accustomed to our problems and learn As time goes on, we face added stress in knowing to deal with them better over time. Of course, we the window of opportunity to have children is would never choose the test of infertility. Yet, as closing. Time goes very fast without the typical time goes by, we learn to adapt, adjust and find milestones one looks forward to from having new meaning in life. Having kids is not everything, children. are our milestones which and we often wonder whether we would have true come and go. Those focused on children are happiness if we were indeed blessed with children. especially heartbreaking for us. We tend to rely There are miserable people in this world with big more on our role as “favorite aunty and uncle” to families, and there are content people out there quell our pain through the smiles of our nieces and without children. nephews. On the high holidays, my eyes circle the Being in this position has allowed my husband ladies section at synagogue as I notice that I am the and I to travel, focus on chesed and create two only one in my age group attending the complete businesses. Yes, there are times that we will

30 VOICES OF STRENGTH experience stigmatizing comments from family matched with another couple and were on the path and friends. Yet, we have become more aware to parenthood. Unfortunately for us, the adoption of other people’s struggles, both internal and failed after several months of great emotional external. Our challenges have given us a keen and financial investment. As much as it has been sensitivity toward others, and have empowered difficult to recover, we feel solace in knowing that us to do anything in our control to help ease their we saved a Jewish child by providing the financial suffering without embarrassing them. We wish means to support the mother throughout her that people might be as sensitive toward us, and pregnancy. While we were devastated from the realize that we are doing everything in our control traumatic moment of discovering that the mother to have children. decided to keep her child, we knew that if the child was meant to be ours, it would have been. In this age of social media and digital communication, being constantly surrounded by We are big believers in doing our hishtadlut, people’s nachas pictures often makes us feel sad efforts, and in working hard to achieve the goal of about what we are lacking. This has given us an having a child. We hope beyond hope that we will innate sense of humility. We find ourselves actively be successful, but after so many years, we tremble seeking privacy by not boasting or showing off our in awe of the Almighty who will ultimately decide own successes in life, so that people don’t feel bad when and if we ever have children. After 120 about something that we have which they are years, we know that when we are asked lacking. “Don’t be jealous of your friend’s lot” is a if we did everything we could to have serious Torah transgression and is one of the 10 children, we will have great solace in Commandments. This is one of the most difficult knowing that the answer is a resounding statutes when it comes to infertility as we find “Yes!” ourselves wondering if that family walking down the street with many kids is grateful for all that they We have learned that ultimately, this is the intent of have. At the same time, they could be looking at us the Torah mitzvah of P’ru U’revu. Whether or not and wondering the same thing--if we are grateful our test ends with a child is 100% in G-ds hands, for all the blessings in our life too. That’s how and believing in that is what keeps us going. we realized it’s best to focus solely on improving For those who know a childless couple, it is ourselves, to avoid looking at what others have, important to be sensitive and realize that life is and ultimately, to try very hard not to judge. difficult for us and oftentimes we are struggling. All the failed procedures, and our active search We’ve been through trauma and have had high for new treatments, are a constant reminder that hopes burst on many occasions. If you are looking G-d is everything. We’ve been forced to make for ways to help, don’t let it be in the form of some big decisions through the years. This has unsolicited medical advice. For that we have the matured us very quickly, and has helped us learn experts as guides, not people like your husband’s “not to sweat the small stuff.” After feeling like we cousin’s neighbor. It would be far more helpful to had hit the end of the medical road, we opened do something else to show us you care. It can be our minds and hearts to the possibility that we as simple as calling to say “Hi,” inviting us for a could find happiness and fulfillment in building our meal, or showing us that you are thinking family through adoption. Little did we know that of us. It’s the little things in life that everyone can the process would be more difficult and stressful do, that can put a smile on our face, and that can than the medical journey. After a few years of have a major impact for us. ◊ research and debate, and then several more years of searching for an opportunity, we were finally

ON THE STIGMA OF INFERTILITY 31 Humanizing Aspergers ANDREW W. SOLENDER I didn’t have many friends as a child. The “friends” I did have didn’t really enjoy my company or feel Andrew W. Solender is a Sophomore Political any obligation to spend time with me; rather Science major at Vassar College. He has written extensively about his experiences with they seemed to simply put up with me out of the Aspergers. He hopes to some day work in goodness of their hearts or because of random public service. circumstance. All around me friend groups were based on fads that changed often, such as poker and paper airplanes. Because of my lack of social consciousness, by the time I caught up with the latest trend, the others had moved on to something else and I would be left behind. For a long time, I thought it was everybody else; I thought I was just too smart, too cool, too great for anybody else to appreciate. I saw psychologists but I made little progress because I spent my time blaming others. My brother was a favorite target. I told doctors that my life would be fine if my brother wasn’t around. After a while, my mom said she would not continue paying good money for me to complain about my brother. I saw psychiatrists for Attention Deficit Disorder medication, but I tended to answer their questions with yes or no answers. I felt no connection or need to speak to any of them, so I didn’t bother. One day, I went to the psychiatrist feeling unusually chatty. When she asked me questions, I provided long answers. After a little while she asked me to step out so that she could speak to my mom. My mom told me later that the doctor looked at her and asked, “How come I didn’t know he had Asperger’s?” And there it was, a diagnosis that in some ways changed nothing, and in other ways changed everything. I learned quickly that Asperger’s Syndrome is characterized by a lack of social awareness

32 VOICES OF STRENGTH or understanding of other’s thoughts or body those with Asperger’s has united us and lead us language. People with Asperger’s tend to lack to become a community. While this community empathy. However, these characteristics are is often brought together within a therapeutic just the primary symptoms amongst many, context, it is a community nonetheless. But why which range from obsession with certain topics is our community so separate from, and treated to clumsiness and awkward movements. I didn’t so differently, than neurotypical society? exhibit many of these symptoms, and others I exhibited only marginally and have since cast It has always been my belief that humans are them off. The psychologists, and most people I predisposed to see and highlight the differences, talk to about it, say that this means I am “high rather than the similarities in one another. This functioning” and that I am lucky. I wouldn’t say is a cynical view of humanity, yes, but it comes that is necessarily true. Being high functioning from a lifetime of stigmatization and ostracism. means that I lack external symptoms like In fact, even as I write this essay, I think of the clumsy movements and the inability to make harsh reactions that could come from every side. eye contact. In addition, as a result of a lot of I imagine a neurotypical reader responding with hard work and practice, I have moved past the something along the lines of “maybe you were just inappropriate and self-centered conversations. stigmatized because you’re a jerk,” and a reader Thus, I generally make good first impressions. with more severe Asperger’s responding with But as friendships and relationships grow and “calling it stigmatization doesn't go far enough become more intimate, the Asperger’s traits that to criticize the treatment of neurodivergents I have come to the foreground. I can become by neurotypicals.” To me, it’s simply my life preoccupied with people or ideas, self centered experience, told honestly. in my intentions and unable to read subtle, non- Can I blame 5 year olds for not wanting to sit at verbal social cues. These traits have caused me the lunch table with me? No. Nor can I blame girls many problems over the years. in high school who didn’t want to go on dates I often ask myself, “Will it get better?” The with me. I can’t blame my peers at Vassar for not answer for me: yes and no. One advantage wanting to engage in conversation with a person of being high functioning is that I do not have as opinionated and fervent about getting his permanent, inflexible social deficits. I can learn, point across as I am. Indeed, it could be argued and I have done so at an exponential rate since that I have invited my stigma as much as it has I was diagnosed. This is partially because of my been forced on me. But conversely, the stigma extroverted personality which has put me in many comes from me being myself: something that is intense and often disastrous social situations in encouraged in our society. which I have no choice but to change and adjust. Children are constantly encouraged, by Also, part of it is that I don’t exhibit one of the parents, teachers, T.V. shows and movies, to be most detrimental symptoms commonly found themselves if they want to make true friends and in Asperger’s syndrome: resistance to change. be accepted in society. This advice, while well I have done nothing but change myself since I intentioned, demonstrates the clear neurotypical began high school. tunnel vision of interpersonal communications. Those with more reconcilable differences – those So what does this all mean for the average who do not stretch the bounds of typical – can person with Asperger’s? Not much. My story benefit from avoiding the complications and risks is my own, and is unique like everyone else’s. that come from dishonesty. Yet, those with truly Yet the stigmatization and marginalization of divergent personalities are rewarded for their

HUMANIZING ASPERGERS 33 honesty with ostracism. or something entirely different, we are unique and special. We must cease seeing ourselves as So what does society do with its members who lesser, and begin to define ourselves as humans. have irreconcilable differences, such as those We are not aliens; deep down inside we have with Asperger’s, who are honest and do not hide similar goals, drives, emotions and hardships, it? It pushes them away. One cultural example much like any other human beings, despite the of this phenomenon comes from an episode of fact that we are not neurotypicals. the T.V. show “Twilight Zone,” in which there is a woman receiving treatment for horrible facial Don’t let the stigmatization of Asperger’s take deformities. When the treatment is unsuccessful, away our humanity. ◊ the solution is to take her away to a society where other “freaks” live together. The twist, however, is that the woman with the deformities is a beautiful human being, whereas the society that judges her is comprised of hog-like mutants. That example demonstrates two things. First, societies often choose to push away those with radical differences. And second, the characteristics of the majority of any society may not be objectively better than the characteristics of the minority. In other words, normalcy is in the eye of the beholder. What do I mean by that? Well, there are some theories that posit that those with Asperger’s and autism are actually more highly evolved than their neurotypical counterparts. That isn’t to say that we are better or worse, simply that we are more evolved to survive i.e. those on the spectrum are typically less emotional, more objective and have high IQ’s. However, whether or not we are more evolved, we are still treated with more derision and ostracism in society simply because we are different from the majority. Too often, people with Asperger's are treated as a monolith. We are simplified and normalized by a society of neurotypicals. By sharing our stories, we can break out of the stigma and show ourselves to be unique individuals with a great variety of traits. No longer should we be stereotyped; we must be understood and accepted. Whether we wear our Asperger’s with a badge of pride, choose to hide it as best we can in order to interact with others as effectively as possible,

34 VOICES OF STRENGTH What A Shame, You’re Still Single?

LEONARD CARR Redemption of the Jewish Family Leonard Carr is a highly respected South The Western world has become saturated with African clinical psychologist working in private practice as a psychotherapist. He also works social issues, which can be summarized as as an organizational development consultant, primarily stemming from a crisis in relationships. expert witness and coach. The growing manifestations of these problems are reflected in the high divorce rate, domestic abuse, Mr. Carr is a prolific writer and columnist. He has appeared extensively on radio and bullying, addictions, and children with a myriad television and has hosted two of his own of psychological problems, to name a few. This radio shows on psychological matters. He is general trend has affected the Jewish community. internationally recognized as an expert on There is, in the Jewish world, an ever-increasing personality and relationships and consults divorce rate. Many marriages are unhappy and globally to corporations, community organizations and individuals. homes broken. This despite many marriages appearing, at least from the outside, to be intact. The strength of the Jewish home, particularly because of our commitment to Shalom, was what protected the nation in the past. When there is a breakdown of the family, the resilience and immunity of the nation is compromised. It is therefore paradoxical that despite marriage often being so problematic, and many singles happier that their married counterparts, being single after a certain age has come to be virtually regarded as a malady. More ironic is that many single people relate how their married siblings and friends confide their loneliness and pain to them, and express envy at the freedom and richer life that being a single person enables them to enjoy. Logically, it is obvious that people can be happy and fulfilled--or the opposite--in both married and single life, depending on each person’s circumstances and approach to life. A belief system in which older singles are viewed negatively leads to the stigmatization of singles in ways that compromise their ability to find suitable partners, by undermining their dating skills and

WHAT A SHAME, YOU’RE STILL SINGLE? 35 trust in their ability to make constructive choices or some special attribute you thought was an of a potential mate. This, in turn, puts their future outstanding suggestion, you would feel affirmed. marriages and families at risk. The opposite – having someone suggested to you whom you do not feel is a good match/idea – could The only way to escape the stigma in this therefore be potentially shaming. People are often paradigm is, of course, to get married. Marriage stigmatized by those who are invested in getting is presented as a magical cure for the condition of them to the Chuppa, no matter what the long-term being unattached. The strangeness of this position consequences may be. An example would be is made worse by the fact that many older singles, calling someone “difficult” or “too picky” because especially women, have postponed marriage to they demure when a name of a possible date is work on themselves in the hope of attracting a suggested. more emotionally evolved partner. They exercise patience and discernment, often in the vain hope The patriarchal nature of our society is often of finding a more constructive relationship than displayed when, in almost all cases, it is the woman what they witnessed growing up, or in the people who is more likely to be coerced to compromise. around them. Divorced women are even more disadvantaged. An abusive man is often introduced to new Singles often face well-meaning family, friends and prospects weeks after a divorce, while the abused other people who are in the matchmaking world, woman remains isolated, often having been who upon meeting them immediately react as if disenfranchised by the legal process, forgotten like the single person is a problem to be solved, the an agunah. victim of desperate or soon-to- become tragic circumstances. Crisis - What Crisis? Popular psychology and the new age movement I would assert that the so called “shidduch crisis” have provided an entire lexicon of persecutory was created, or at least intensified, by the choice explanations, masquerading as superficial quasi- of evocative terminology used to describe the mystical reasons, to shame people for their challenges being faced by many single people predicament. Singles may often be challenged in search of partners. The term “crisis” is highly with questions such as, ” What are you doing to charged and stigmatizing, inducing not only fear, push prospects away?” or “Why are you avoiding but also,for many, a sense of hopelessness and your next step in life?” The implication is that those despair. who have married did not have any of these issues. One could argue that many people stay single It drives the stakes higher for singles, leading because they cannot find the quality of connection many people to accept shame and blame for they seek rather than that they fear intimacy, as is their predicament. In response, they give up on often assumed. their ideals and drop their standards, because they have stopped feeling entitled to defend their Assumptions about why a person is still single preferences, values and ideals. can serve to legitimize interference and meddling by people who know enough of the language of The term ”crisis” often reinforces the perception psychology to believe that they are legitimate that women are in high supply and low demand, psychotherapists. Moreover, there are implicit and that men are in short supply and great messages embedded in who people choose to demand. This causes women, in particular, to suggest as a potential match. For example, if you drop their standards and compromise, often to are introduced to someone who by virtue of status their detriment. Moreover, the idea of a “crisis”

36 VOICES OF STRENGTH may lead men to become more arrogant and drowned out by all the internalized commentaries complacent. of others who have drummed into them messages about the ways in which they are wanting and, Another unintended consequence of the construct by implication, essentially unlovable. The most of a shidduch “crisis” is that people are becoming disempowering aspect of this dynamic is that it anxious to get married at increasingly younger reduces people’s trust in their own experience and ages. One hears fear-inducing statements such confidence in their judgment, and increases their as, “If you wait too long, all the good ones will be self-doubt. taken,” or, “What if you never meet somebody?” The problems caused by people getting married Fear of Being Vulnerable too young, out of fear rather than readiness, may lead to marital stress and all the sequalae that Many people have grown-up with the message can be avoided if people marry when they have that to express needs is to be demanding, and to attained the necessary maturity, self-awareness show feelings is a sign of weakness. They learn and life experience. to protect themselves by becoming numb to their inner experience, and replacing it with a brittle Unfortunately, many singles marry too young, contrivance of social and relational game playing. when they are not fully ready to embark on a They live with the unrelenting pressure to keep meaningful long-term relationship. The pressure up the act, instead of finding strength in being to get married may create the fear and despair who they are and, in so doing, discovering the that besets too many singles, often leading them strength in vulnerability. Singles can get caught in to become pre-occupied and obsessional about the conflict of trying to be recognized and valued, finding a mate, to the point that they virtually while scrupulously hiding themselves at the same abandon their social lives and interests to keep up time. The hurt, frustration and humiliation of being the search. The sadly devastating consequence of misunderstood and unrecognized strengthens this strategy is that their lives become sterile and the pressure to persevere with this self-defeating bleached, and their hearts become ossified. The approach. resulting intellectual and emotional vacuum leaves them bereft of anything that would draw potential partners toward them. Their empty lives do not Impediment to Personal Growth offer any promise to someone who is looking to Shame can make it so overwhelmingly painful to share an adventure with their future marriage face one’s own shortcomings that people prefer to partner. switch off their internal world. They may become totally blind to how they appear and the impact Save the Date they have on others, or how people experience their behavior. This can be disastrous for singles Dating has become, because of internal and external who may become so out touch with both what pressure, a high intensity “sales” environment. they offer and what they want, that they simply People find themselves in alien environments like go through the motions. Every date is another hotel lobbies, sitting in paralyzing fear of being iteration of the same seemingly endless pattern judged either by their date, advisors, or family of empty boring encounters. They cannot own members to whom they will be called to account up to who they really are because that can mean if the date “does not work out.” Many people admitting to being essentially defective and bad. find that they feel too anxious and self-conscious Shame, therefore, is an impediment to personal to trust and follow their inner-guidance and growth, as well as to forging healthy interpersonal experience. They find that their inner voice gets

WHAT A SHAME, YOU’RE STILL SINGLE? 37 affection bonds and relationships. or sub-culture. There are as many stories as there are people, and each individual’s circumstances, The predicament of the outsider, the other, is challenges and resources should be perceived as painfully highlighted when people in vulnerable unique, to be dealt with on a person-by-person positions are shamed and blamed for their basis. circumstances. The Torah goes out of its way to caution us against harming the vulnerable, such For people who have the resources, it is useful to as widows, orphans and converts. A message of create contexts wherein people can meet each exclusion is often strongly felt by singles when other in a natural setting, such as a Shabbos table, family and friends take their privileged position of and steer conversations in ways that allow people couple-hood for granted, and become blind to the to shine and show the best of themselves, without vulnerability of the single person. Examples I have feeling set-up or put on the spot. This should not be seen include when, after marriage, a best friend done explicitly to introduce people to each other stops inviting her single friend over with coupled for shidduch purposes. Rather, the goal should friends, though when on her own, treats her as be to create opportunities for people to meet, as she did in the past. I have also seen singles seated well as possibilities that guests will be inspired at weddings at “youth” tables away from their to introduce their fellow guests to people in their married friends. personal networks. When All is Said and Done It is also important to change the conversation about shidduchim to avoid perpetuating the The shidduch situation needs to be recognized narrative of crisis and the anxiety this induces. as a potential precursor to an assimilation and Part of changing the conversation is validating and intermarriage crisis. As people perceive their celebrating people’s lives, and not making marital options decreasing, and the religious world status the only worthwhile topic of conversation. becoming more forbidding because of the issues Individuals who wish to make a positive impact will highlighted in this essay, they may choose to learn to ask people what they need, what works compromise their Jewish values. for them and what interventions are not helpful, The implications of this dilemma are too serious instead of taking an expert position and dispensing and far-reaching to be left in the hands of a few unsolicited advice. It goes without saying that any interested lay people and shadchanim to address. words that encourage fear or self-doubt, or that This issue is ultimately about the endurance of the are shaming, can exacerbate the problem for Jewish family and important to everyone who is both individual singles and the community. Each invested in Jewish survival., person's individual action can coalesce with those of others to shape a new culture of how single The most important first line of intervention people are treated. with singles is to sincerely offer affirmation and encouragement by drawing attention to what is The Single Biggest Problem enjoyable, admirable and most valuable about them--to remind them what they have to offer. In The reason that I have chosen to focus my addition, if one has the ability and knowledge, it is professional energy on the singles community crucial to help them hold onto and deepen their is because these individuals represent an ideal faith and trust. leverage point for intervention to secure the well- being of the Jewish home. Moreover, those who wish to help should avoid thinking of singles as a singular homogenous group Providing support to singles can help them

38 VOICES OF STRENGTH revitalize their dating experience, reclaim a healthy sense of personal value, and enhance their relational skills. Hopefully, these interventions will serve to fortify and inspire individuals to create healthy foundations upon which to build their future marriages and families. How we treat individuals who are in the process of seeking mates influences how they regard and feel about themselves. This, in turn, influences how they relate to others, how they choose their partners, and how they manage their future relationships. Why Singles? The support we give to singles can benefit the entire Jewish community. My hope is that through creative and empowering interventions, individuals can be fortified and inspired, leading to stronger and more fulfilling marriages. Our community must firmly commit to endorsing and preserving resources to insure the creation of programs that will enhance individuals’ self-awareness and relationships skills. By becoming empathically attuned to the challenges that many singles face in finding their authentic self and in turn, their authentic match, we can hopefully help them develop robust road maps for creating healthy Jewish marriages and homes. ◊

REFERENCES

Time Magazine article Adapted with permission from Date-onomics: How Dating Became a Lopsided Numbers Game, (Workman, August 2015), by Jon Birger.

STIGMA OF MENTAL ILLNESS AND WAYS OF DIMINISHING IT

Peter Byrne, Advances in Psychiatric Treatment Jan 2000, 6 (1) 65-72; DOI: 10.1192/apt.6.1.65 http://apt.rcpsych.org/content/6/1/65#sec-1

WHAT A SHAME, YOU’RE STILL SINGLE? 39 The Glory of Failure

MARK (MOISHE) BANE Soon after learning someone’s name, a question commonly posed is, “And what do you do?” Moishe Bane is President of the Orthodox Similarly, a child is repeatedly asked, “What do Union. He is a senior partner and chairman of the Business Restructuring department at the you want to be when you grow up?” And while in International law firm of Ropes & Gray. Much the perfect world the anticipated response might of his time, however, has been dedicated be what type of character, skill or knowledge the to service within the American Orthodox child hopes to acquire, in our world the question is community. Mr. Bane has written and actually eliciting the name of the job to which the lectured extensively and is a founding editor of Klal Perspectives, a journal addressing child aspires. contemporary public policy issues within the American Orthodox community. In some communities, wealth is a primary determinant of status; elsewhere, it is one’s university alma mater. In certain Orthodox Jewish communities the currency of social prominence is Torah scholarship, while in others it is primarily family pedigree. But, in every segment of the American Jewish community, above all people are identified by their job title. Title and job status inform one’s station in society, and even one’s role as a spouse or parent. Perhaps most significant, however, is that they even frame one’s own self-image. Consequently, the loss of a job or the failure of a business triggers a double impact; first is concern regarding the economic repercussions, but second is the need to confront and address the social and psychological implications. Our community’s attitude toward those who have lost their job or their business not only affects the experience of those who suffer the loss, but also influences the way we all perform in our jobs and the manner by which we run our businesses. This essay explores the social stigma felt by those who have lost their job or business, and considerations in how others might respond. Finally, the essay will observe how the stigma of failure or loss may impact integrity and ethical perspective, and how these vulnerabilities can be combated. The Rabbis teach that the Providence of G-d is most

40 VOICES OF STRENGTH intimately perceived through one’s livelihood. The the right thing to say is not easy, and it is surely corollary principle is that one’s livelihood is also the challenging to change the topic of conversation context for striving for personal spiritual growth. deftly. But, even when all these factors leave you This religious growth is surely achieved through tongue-tied, remember that it is not the silence that the manner by which we conduct ourselves while is most isolating. It is the looking away. on the job; but growth is equally impacted by how we conduct ourselves when losing a job, or when Ineffective Consolation interacting with others who have. When observing the pain of an individual who has Casual Personal Ostracism lost a job, or who is otherwise unable to “make a go of it,” we hope to encourage the individual The loss of a job or business is often followed by by suggesting that mature people do not allow an immediate sense of isolation. Occasionally themselves to be defined by their occupation, or unfounded, the sense that others are distancing we may comment how the job loss was so clearly themselves is often on the mark. Why are they beyond anyone’s control – the “you should not doing so? feel bad since it is not your fault” strategy. Though well intentioned, these attempts are frequently When a person avoids engaging with someone who unsuccessful. This may be due to the failure to is impaired or in distress, most often it results from recognize and address one of the deep dimensions of a lack of confidence in knowing what to say, or of anxiety being suffered. how to say it. This avoidance may be interpreted either as one selfishly guarding against a feeling The distress of being unable to support one’s family of discomfort, or as one’s sensitive effort to avoid is typically presumed to reflect a sense of failure, or imposing discomfort on another. Regardless of to result from the financial and practical implications. motivation, rarely is the avoidance an expression There is, however, an additional trauma that is often of callousness or deliberate disregard. After all, ignored, frequently unidentified by even the one very few people would decline to help a person in suffering the trauma. distress, or someone facing a physical or emotional challenge, if provided with a playbook guaranteed Quite distinct from satisfying the needs of one’s to work. Similarly, most people would not avoid family is the less discussed, basic human drive to engaging with a person who has just lost a job, or be the actual person who takes care of one’s family. lost their wealth, if confident that the words uttered Pain is suffered when one is unable to personally would be well received. provide for such needs, even when the failure to do so is wholly beyond one’s control, and even when Another manifestation of isolationism is the those needs are fully satisfied by others. everyday conversation about jobs, vacations or indulgences that is abruptly terminated when A most vivid example is the young mother, someone in financial distress joins the chat. It is bedridden due to disease, who is unable to comfort viewed as improper and insensitive to be discussing and cradle her crying baby. This pain persists topics that will highlight a friend’s distress. Perhaps, even when the mother observes that the infant is however, that possible pain is less than that felt lovingly and successfully quieted. The baby’s need during the initial silent pause, the clearing of throat has been fully addressed, and the mother assumes and the hurried scattering of the group that follows. no blame for being unable to do so herself. Yet, she suffers a searing pain. A mother unable to sooth It is often impossible to assess which among various her own baby suffers an imaginable loss. And loss discomforts is most acutely felt. Similarly, knowing causes pain.

THE GLORY OF FAILURE 41 Providing sustenance for one’s family is yet another received as an authentic expression of concern. “I basic human drive. The breadwinner needs to do shop for Shabbos on Thursday night, I am going to so, personally. Even if the job loss or business failure do your Shabbos shopping as well, ok?” or “I am is wholly beyond one’s control, and even when picking up my kids from school, so I will pick up your the needs of the family will be easily cared for by kids, as well. Ok?” Specific offers are more likely to another, the breadwinner has suffered a loss. And be accepted, and to be understood as a genuine loss causes pain. eagerness to help. Very often, the frustration of this drive is left Someone who has lost a job may not need help unidentified, and pain results. Alas, pain without with shopping or picking up the kids, but specific an identifiable source is the most difficult pain to offers may, nevertheless, resonate. For example, relieve. it is typically appreciated when one offers to call particular people who may know of job opportunities, “Let Me Know If I Can Ever Be or to forward a resume to specific people. Similarly, the offer to help draft a resume, or brainstorm ideas, of Help” may be appreciated. At a conference many years ago, I struck up a conversation with an unfamiliar fellow who turned The Anguish of Downward out to be the rabbi of a small town. I began to elicit Mobility his experiences and observations. I soon learned that his wife was extremely ill, and that he was Financial distress is awful for anyone, but the struggling with the competing needs of his wife and emotional vulnerability is most acutely felt by the the responsibilities to his congregants. After listening “no longer affluent.” Downsizing is emotional when to the plight and challenges of this dedicated and undertaken voluntarily by empty nesters, but it extremely thoughtful gentleman, I posed a question is a horror when imposed upon a growing family. that, in retrospect, may have been overstepping Even when moving homes is unnecessary, the boundaries – but one that provided me with an humiliation is manifest through multiple impositions. invaluable lesson. I asked the rabbi to please teach The school scholarship committee may respond me something he had learned from the experience sympathetically, but for a former benefactor, even of his wife’s illness. standing before a committee for financial assistance can eat one’s heart out. Anguish is suffered when After several minutes of thought, I was taught the turning away solicitations for charities that have following: “The most hollow words one can hear been supported for years, and there is angst when in distress is ‘let me know if I can ever be when planning a child’s bar mitzvah or wedding of help’.” He explained that suffering is, itself, a celebration in a fashion markedly more simple than diminishing of dignity, and relying on others for help those of the neighbors, and even more so when is a further humiliation. This is all tolerable when more modest than those of older siblings. help is extended eagerly and with sincerity. But, the words “let me know if I can ever be of help” is often “At the outset, I just want you to know that you are understood to mean “Gee, I sort of want to help, but the first Orthodox Jew I am speaking with in over actually hope that you don’t ask.” thirty years.” I was a twenty-two-year-old first year law student, sitting in the plush New York office of How then should one extend a sincere offer of the general counsel of an internationally renowned assistance? The rabbi responded that an offer institution. It was my maiden excursion into the should always be specific. Regardless of how arena of job interviews. Fortunately for me, I was simple the offer, when specific it is more likely to be

42 VOICES OF STRENGTH too young and naïve to know that I was supposed The Glory of Failure to be nervous. I was also too inexperienced to know that wearing a yarmulke in 1980’s corporate Every family and every community is confronted by America was not yet a familiar practice. the challenge of celebrating the accomplishments dictated by our values as worthy aspirations, while The distinguished looking gentleman paused, sighed avoiding the resentment and frustration that such and then continued; “When I was a child, my family celebration imposes on those who cannot, or do not, was Orthodox. My father, a wealthy businessman, achieve them. For example, praise and admiration was president of the synagogue. He received may be lavished on the academic achievements of honors, and was consulted regularly. He was highly our best and brightest, hoping to engender a culture admired, and to me he was a super-hero. But, then of scholarship, but these simultaneously impose things turned. My father’s business closed, and feelings of inadequacy on those who fall short. the family affluence disappeared. Soon thereafter, We extol honor on impressive philanthropy, which my father was no longer synagogue president, no subtly belittles those whose modest donations may longer being consulted, no longer receiving honors. actually be a greater personal sacrifice. Rather than sitting with him on the raised platform facing the congregation, we were now muddled Some cultures avoid this tension by refraining from with the others, closer to the rear than the front. celebrating success, occasionally even mocking it. That is hardly the culture of the Jewish community, “My father was a proud man, and feigned disinterest. and the community’s incessant survival and But I knew different. There was pain behind the resilience is likely tied to its culture of achievement. smile. Embarrassment. Shame. I then realized that Mitigating the feelings of inadequacy of those who supposedly religious people were actually quite fail to hit the high notes can, however, be achieved viscous. I stopped joining my father at synagogue. through thoughtful parenting and communal I stopped praying. And since those days, I avoided leadership. Orthodox Jews as best I could.” Quite apart from the celebration of achievement Communal pressure for charity, however noble, is the denigration of failure. While the two may must be combined with greater sensitivity. Though appear to be interchangeable, they are actually public pledge readings and arm twisting may extract quite distinct. The denigration of failure creates desperately needed funds, such benefits must be an environment in which failure is shameful. It weighed against the pain that may be inadvertently messages that success and failure are not merely imposed upon the prospective donor who is sincere results, but rather define who one is as a person. when responding that he is tapped out. In such a culture, one suffering the humiliation of Our community is exalted in its food delivery failure does not merely confront losing an effort, but programs for financially challenged families. This also confronts losing an identity. conduit-based system of benevolence allows for In a culture in which people’s identity becomes the Maimonidean elevated form of charity, in which fused with their success, failure may lead previously neither the donor nor recipient know each other’s honorable and honest individuals to succumb to identity. But, the Orthodox community’s small size deception, dishonesty and illegality. A person’s and insularity raises a concern; particular care must innate honesty and integrity are usually sufficient to ensure the recipient of charitable food deliveries not resist engaging in improper acts to satisfy an urge to encounter a familiar face when opening the door to win, but they are often wholly inadequate to combat say thank you. impulses to do wrong when necessary to avoid losing one’s identity. Those who have achieved

THE GLORY OF FAILURE 43 great success, whether financial or communal, frequently view their accomplishments and resulting status as their very being. This synthesis of accomplishments and self-identity creates a pressure to not only achieve one’s goals, but also to ensure that the achievements are sustained – often at all costs. While this feeling may be engendered by the extolling of success, its depth and impact is solidified by the stigma that the community assigns to failure. How, then, can an intense culture of lofty ambitions avoid the merging of people’s accomplishments and identities? How can failure be disapproved without encouraging the avoidance of failure at any price? The answer is that an even greater achievement than success must be celebrated – the willingness to fail rather than compromise our values. We must elevate to the greatest heights of achievement the glory of failure. While still very young, our children must be taught that the greatest, most admired and most celebrated person is one who is prepared to forfeit all that has been accomplished, whether financially, communally or otherwise, if the retention of such success can be achieved only by wading into, or even touching, impropriety. Our children must be taught, and we must never forget, that the greatest glory in life is the glory of failure. ◊

44 VOICES OF STRENGTH Attitude Is Crucial: Do not allow society’s attitude to influence your children’s lives

RABBI ABRAHAM J. Stigma is defined as: “a mark of disgrace TWERSKI, M.D. associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person” e.g, "the stigma of having gone to Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski is a psychiatrist and founder of Gateway Rehabilitation Center prison will always be with me." Synonyms: shame, in Pittsburgh, one of America’s leading facilities disgrace, humiliation, dishonor, opprobrium. for addiction treatment. He is the author of more than 84 books, and lectures extensively These are all descriptions of “stigma.” Yet, when on the topics of chemical dependency, stress, there is a blemish in the family that could affect self-esteem and spirituality. For 20 years, he a shidduch, such as mental illness, addiction or served as clinical director of the Department of shameful behavior, none of these carry the weight Psychiatry at St. Francis Hospital in Pittsburgh, and was associate professor of psychiatry at the of shonde. The tone of how shonde is pronounced University of Pittsburgh’s School of Medicine. and the facial expression accompanying it put it in a class all its own. It has been suggested that the reason drunkenness was a rarity in the shtetl is because being “shikker” was a shonde, deep shame. If someone was a goniff, it was indeed a shame, but goniff was not accompanied by the facial grimace nor with the tone of voice of shonde. There was no expression, “A goniff is a goy,” whereas shikker meant that one was ostracized from the Jewish nation. This attitude has resulted in denial, cover-up, and withholding of treatment. Young people and their parents believe that any exposure of a psychological problem will sabotage the chances of a shidduch. Important information is withheld, and when the facts come to light, the wife or husband feel that they have been deceived. This ruins the chances of a sincere, trusting relationship. Effective medication may be withheld or concealed. Parents feel that knowledge of a

ATTITUDE IS CRUCIAL 45 psychiatric drug will subvert a shidduch, and treatable conditions are allowed to progress. Educating others is important, but the fear that their child will not be able to do a shidduch is overwhelming. Furthermore, some rabbanim may advise the parents that it is not necessary to disclose a problem. Rabbanim need to become aware that a shidduch based on misinformation has little chance of surviving. A young man was diagnosed as having Bipolar Disorder. His parents insisted that he discontinue medication so that he could do a shidduch. Two years into the marriage, he had a full-blown manic episode and was hospitalized. The truth came out and the young woman’s father insisted on a divorce. Her parents had wanted the best for their daughter, who was now a divorcee with a one-year old child. Desperate parents are blinded by their desire to see their child married. I don’t know how to convince them of their short-sightedness. ◊

46 VOICES OF STRENGTH Addiction & the Journey of Recovery: G-d Exists and I Am Not Him

EZY FINKEL I begin by kneeling on my knees on the bathroom floor, head resting on the porcelain pot, whispering Ezy Finkel was born and raised in Lakewood, a prayer. New Jersey and currently resides in Brooklyn, New York. Ezy’s passion is to provide A prayer of blessing, a prayer of gratitude, a assistance and offer therapeutic interventions for struggling youth and adults and avails prayer of peace. I do this each time before I speak himself at all hours for those in need. or write to remind myself--to bring to the forefront of my mind and soul--that not too long ago the only time a prayer would come out of my mouth was when I was leaning in the same position inebriated, sick, and suffering, beseeching G-d “If you get me out of this one I will NEVER do this again”! It reminds me of lying in bed and having to put my foot on the floor to stop the room from spinning. It reminds me of being wheeled on a stretcher with bright lights flashing and hearing a voice screaming, “Hurry or we are going to lose him!” Most of all, I am reminded that if I don’t continue on this beautiful path of recovery, in one minute I could lose everything I am blessed with and have worked so hard for. And so I sit here and ask myself one more time: How did this happen? And then I remember...December, 2005, when my entire life changed, yet again. However this time it was the beginning of a most profound spiritual experience, which I had yet to realize. Experiences in life come dressed up in all sorts of ways and unless we are open and willing and mindful we can miss them without even knowing.

ADDICTION & THE JOURNEY OF RECOVERY: G-D EXISTS & I AM NOT HIM 47 This time it was dressed up like a man.... I came to realize that if I was not an out right trouble maker, if I kept it together on the outside, Walking past Lee was almost getting annoying if my ‘image’ was clean and everyone thought I until BOOM one day I think I got the point. was ok, then I could do whatever I wanted and Sitting in treatment yet again. Each and every not worry about having to deal with any authority. time I walked past Lee, a middle aged secular And so it was for a very long time. I created my Jewish man who spent most of his adult life own safe little world. smoking crack cocaine, he would put on his Jewish voice and say “What’s a nice Jewish boy At a young age I noticed that on Purim, people from Lakewood doing in a place like this?” would drink and some sort of magic would happen. People that were normally serious would I had heard that hundreds if not thousands of be light and funny, and people who normally times. It may have started as a joke, but now it laughed and were happy and funny were crying. was getting annoying. Until now, when I stopped Knowing that this magic was caused by a drink, and asked myself the same question: “Yes Ezy, I began to wonder, what could it do for me? So what is a nice Jewish boy from Lakewood doing I took that first drink. And for me-- a broken, in a place like this? insecure, pained child-- it was a profound spiritual They say hindsight is 20/20. I can relate to that experience. It made me feel OK, it made me feel because now I can see my whole growing- 10 feet tall and bullet proof. I decided right then up experience in a totally different light. I don’t that this is the way G-d intended the world to believe we can always see things objectively; be and would make it my business to have this rather, we see things from an individual, more experience as often as possible. And so I did. subjective perspective. I don’t know if anyone can tell you the day they Growing up in Lakewood was no easy task. My crossed the line from partying and social drug father still jokes and says, “Ezy was such a good use to drug abuse and addiction. I know I surely boy.... up until 2nd grade”. can’t. They say it’s an invisible line. One thing I know for sure is that once that line is crossed, Looking back, I grew up in a very caring home there’s no turning back. On the other side of and had everything I needed. However, I suffered that line is a gorilla, a monster, and a beast so tremendously. I was a kid who on the outside powerful, so big. On the other side of that line is had it all together. I was popular with friends addiction. And when addiction begins everything and great at sports. Yet on the inside, I was very else worthwhile in life ends. It brings on the lying, insecure and I had tremendous social anxiety. I the cheating, the manipulation, the delusion that never felt that I “fit in.” I felt that everything I was this way of life is normal. As long as people had being taught made no sense. I could not grasp a good perception of me, it didn’t really matter being brought up in a community where I was what I did to get what I needed, to make me feel being taught that I needed to be restricted by the way I needed to feel. the rules and regulations of religion. I was taught that everything I thought I would enjoy doing, or How does it happen that “a nice Jewish boy from thought about, or said, was a first class ticket to Lakewood” ends up in crack houses, abandoned “gehenim” (hell). buildings, hospitals and institutions, all as a direct result of my addiction? And then the loneliest I can’t tell you I know what I wanted at that age, painful place: the pain of not wanting to be alive but I surely knew what I didn’t want---and that and not being able to die. So at this point the was anything I had then.

48 VOICES OF STRENGTH ideas begin to come to me. Bright ideas of what I nowhere to live. I turned once again to the only need to do to straighten out my life, to finally get thing I knew could comfort me...my alcohol and better. I don’t realize that it’s always my “great drugs...and then oblivion. ideas “ that put me right back in this position of hopelessness. Those ideas like me telling I remember walking aimlessly with nowhere myself, “If I only drink and not do drugs things to go, feeling so broken, and not feeling able to will get better”, or “I will only use at night or on control my emotions. A man stopped me, asking weekends”, or “I will limit the amount I consume”. me if I was ok. I realized I was crying like a little Or “maybe if I get frumer—more religious-- baby, helpless and hopeless. How do I stop things will get better”. Or “maybe if I move to a using? How do I have a life? I finally came to the different place just ‘over there’ I can start fresh.” conclusion that I don’t know! It was those three How about getting married and having children? words that essentially saved my life. Tried that too. I was so broken that I was willing to I DON’T KNOW. try anything that I could think of, not realizing that my mind alone could not get my own mind out My Journey to Recovery of this. A wise man once told me “Ezy wherever you go there you are”. And so I could never get Being an addict and living in the Jewish community better because I was bringing the problem along is no fun. Yet, there were a few kind people that with me. I was bringing myself along with me. I am grateful to each and every day. People who didn’t judge me and were there to help me each Being jacked up and tweaking on amphetamines, and every step of the way. opiates, alcohol and benzos to level out was a daily routine. It’s no fun taking your young child I discovered that Recovery and getting better is for a walk, losing him and then finding out what a process, and not an event that would happen happened later because I couldn’t remember immediately. This was hard for me to accept, any of it. It’s not easy going in and out of daily being that I was a person that always wanted life thinking things don’t make sense and are not things NOW. adding up. It’s not easy being in a blackout when you have responsibilities. When I was being And so it was, December 9th 2005, the scariest told one more time by my first wife, “Ezy, either day of my life, the day I walked up the stairs you’re going to get help or we are leaving you”. into the Rehab that would be my last and final treatment. The most profound experience was I had the genius idea that moving to Israel again in the making, and I didn’t even know it. A man would solve all my struggles and within a few full of fear, guilt, shame, remorse, anger and days we were on an ELAL flight back to Israel. resentment was walking in, not even dreaming But within just a few weeks my wife and children that when that same man would walk out a long were on a flight back to the United States with time later he would be happy, joyous and free. me left behind. I was left in Israel to pack up the house, get movers and a storage place for all I remember that after years of struggling and our belongings. Later, in rehab, I discovered that trying to stop using with no success, I came to since I had packed up all my belongings during a place where I believed in life. We each have one of my frequent blackouts, when I wanted to struggles and the struggle that G-d gave me was retrieve my stuff, I had no idea where it all was. being an alcoholic and an addict, and I accept To this day, all of my belongings are lost. it. When anyone would ask me why I drank so much my response would be “I’m an alcoholic.” I was left a broken man with nowhere to go and

ADDICTION & THE JOURNEY OF RECOVERY: G-D EXISTS & I AM NOT HIM 49 I was in treatment, sitting in groups and learning He taught me that if I want to keep what was so about the 12 steps of Recovery. I looked at the 1st freely given to me, I must give it away and pass step—“We admit we are powerless over alcohol.” it on. He truly led by example, and didn’t ask me What this meant to me was that admitting that to do anything that he didn’t do himself. Karl was I’m an alcoholic would mean I could never drink sent by G-d to me. Karl saved my life!! again. My mind, being so powerful, would make me wonder, maybe I’m not an alcoholic, maybe I had thought I knew what I needed in life, but I just had a few bad years. I actually started to until I was open-minded, prayed and accepted believe that I am NOT an alcoholic. How powerful what was in front of me, I couldn’t get help. This our mind can be. lifelong lesson for everything in my life remains with me until today. Part of the treatment process was getting a sponsor (someone who had struggled, was now If I had not been honest, open-minded and willing, sober and would help someone new through the I would not have gotten anything out of treatment Recovery work). Being a willing participant, I set and would have come out the same man. But this out to look for that “perfect sponsor.” He had to time I was willing to do the work. I learned that be Jewish, understand the community I grew up I’m not a bad person; I am a sick person and I in, the schools I went to and everything I went am not alone. There are other people that think through in my life. I asked around and searched and feel the same as me. l learned that things I every 12-step meeting I attended. can’t do are not expected of me and that the only person I can change is myself. I came to the conclusion that this person did not exist. I was unable to find him. Time went on and I was told early on in my Recovery that there are I was still without a sponsor. I was not drinking two things I need to know about G-d. or drugging, but I was struggling mentally, 1) That there is One and emotionally and spiritually. 2) That I’m not Him. I remember praying one day and asking G-d I needed to do what I needed to do and leave to send me the right person to sponsor me. G-d’s work for G-d to do. I learned that G-d is That was the day G-d put Karl in my life. Karl not the big mean guy saying that I’m going to resembled nothing I had in mind for the person Gehenim; rather, he is my Father who is proud of who would be able to help me. Karl was African me and who loves me. He lives in all of us and we American, grew up in east LA and did 15 years are all His children. in Pelican Bay State Prison. We had NOTHING in common until we started talking and then we In treatment, I learned a new way to live. I learned had EVERYTHING in common. Karl showed me a new way to connect to people and I learned a by example what it means to be honest and how new way to connect with G-d, a way that works to stay sober. We laughed together and we cried for me. together and we built a bond like I had never I learned that no matter how powerless, hopeless had with another person. Karl was my mentor, or deep into an addiction one is, IF THERE IS Karl was my sponsor, Karl was my friend. He HOPE, THERE IS LIFE--provided that we are showed me how to stay sober and made me see willing to go through the process of Recovery. everything I had been missing and what it means to live a healthy life. He took me through the 12 I learned to treat others kindly and to help other steps in such a deep, profound, and meaningful people whenever and wherever I can. I learned way and I am forever grateful to him for that. that we are not human beings on a spiritual journey,

50 VOICES OF STRENGTH but rather, we are spiritual beings on a human people in my life that have been and still are a journey, and human beings have struggles. ALL tremendous support. Nevertheless, without my PEOPLE have struggles! Why do we put labels dear wife Estee, my biggest fan and supporter, I on people who have different struggles than we don’t know where I’d be today, on every level-- have? We claim to be religious, we claim to be emotionally, spiritually, or religiously. accepting and we claim to love our fellow Jews. But when someone has a struggle that we cannot What is My Message? necessarily understand, we put him in a different category. Friends will stop associating with him; How many times do I see mothers or fathers so parents or siblings might try “hiding” him. WHY? consumed by daily life, that their child can be Because it could affect the rest of the family, it calling them, tugging at them, or crying for them, could affect the schools we are trying to get our and they don’t even notice. other children into. Perhaps it could affect a job As an example, a few years ago, I was sitting in we are trying to get. Or perhaps it could affect a restaurant observing a father and son sitting the shidduchim we need for our other children. a few tables away. From the moment they sat We need to have and keep an intact image to the down and until they got up to leave, the father outside world. We need to maintain this aura of was on his phone and his son was just sitting excellence and that everything and everyone is there, not being acknowledged. The only time the ok. father spoke to his son was to say to him, as the But if we truly believe that we are created in G-d’s waiter approached, “You can order whatever you image, the image we should really be saving and want from the menu.” This was so sad to watch! protecting is the image of G-d. I ask myself: Do Children are a gift that G-d entrusted to us to raise we really behave or do things that protect G-d’s and care for. Are we doing our jobs, or are we so image, or is it our own image, the image caused into our own needs and wants that we only have by pride and ego that we try to protect? If G-d time for our children when it’s convenient? is the one who makes shidduchim, why are we getting in His way by letting our own pride and I believe the greatest prevention to addiction ego decide what other people think? Why do we is spending quality time with our children with try to control the situation by hiding, by putting minimal outside distractions. this horrible stigma on people struggling and suffering with addiction? Parents need to build a relationship of trust and love with their children, so that their children will My Ongoing Journey feel comfortable enough to speak about anything that they may want or need. So often children I have a beautiful life today. It is a process that are scared of their parents, of what their parents’ continues each and every day. I never forget the reaction might be or whether their parents will life I lived, and am grateful each moment for the believe them or not. Parents need to create life I have today. It is a life so big and wonderful an environment of trust by spending quality that in the past, if I would have even allowed family time together, eating dinner together myself to wish for it, I would have thought, and engaging in family activities that promote a “dream on.” If a Junkie like me can have this life deeply loving family bond. today, so can anyone, as long as they are willing My message to children: If there is something you to put in the work. are struggling with, know that you are not alone, I couldn’t have done it alone. I have many even if it may feel that way. There is someone

ADDICTION & THE JOURNEY OF RECOVERY: G-D EXISTS & I AM NOT HIM 51 in your life that you can go and speak to, even if you are scared or embarrassed. There is help out there. Sometimes we think that in order for us to feel better the whole world may need to change. There was once a young boy. Every day his father would come home from work and go into his study and close the door. Each day the boy would knock on his father’s door, walk in and ask “Daddy can you play with me?” Each day Dad would have another excuse: “later,” “I’m busy right now,” “I’m reading the newspaper,” “I need to answer emails.” “I had a very long day.” Each day the boy would walk away, feeling sad and alone. One day, as always, the young boy knocked on his father’s door, walked in and asked his dad to play with him. His dad reached over his desk, took a magazine and ripped off the back page. The back page was a map of the whole world. He ripped it into small pieces, gave it to his son and said, “When you put this back together I will play with you,” knowing this was impossible for his young son. The son walked out sadly with his head down, holding the paper. About 20 minutes later the child returned to his father’s study, holding the page of the world perfectly taped together. Shocked, the father asked his son how he had done this. The young boy looked at his father and said, “On the other side of the page was a picture of a man. When I put the man together, the whole world fell into place.” ◊

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