OHEL COVER_2018 2/27/18 3:24 PM Page 3 WELCOME TO THE NEW OHEL JAFFA FAMILY CAMPUS A CENTER OF EXCELLENCE OHEL is the trusted haven of safety and support, providing services that help build lives, and strengthen families, homes and communities to face social, developmental and emotional challenges. 1268 E 14TH STREET AT AVENUE M, BROOKLYN, NY 11230 OHELFAMILY.ORG/OJFC | 800-603-OHEL VOICES OF STRENGTH Table of Contents INTRODUCTION: CONFRONTING STIGMA IN THE COMMUNITY 2 Hindie M. Klein, PsyD, Editor A SILENT DISEASE 5 David Mandel STIGMA AND MENTAL ILLNESS 7 Michelle Friedman MD THE STIGMA OF SEXUAL ABUSE 10 David Pelcovitz, PhD ON THE STIGMA OF DIVORCE 16 Norman N. Blumenthal, PhD ON THE STIGMA OF THE POWERFUL CAREER WOMAN 20 Anonymous THE DAY MY LIFE CHANGED FOREVER 24 Franklin Buchweitz ON THE STIGMA OF INFERTILITY 28 Anonymous HUMANIZING ASPERGERS 32 Andrew W. Solender WHAT A SHAME, YOU’RE STILL SINGLE? 35 Leonard Carr THE GLORY OF FAILURE 40 Mark (Moishe) Bane ATTITUDE IS CRUCIAL 45 Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski, M.D. ADDICTION & THE JOURNEY OF RECOVERY 47 Ezy Finkel PRODUCED Derek Saker, OHEL Director of Communications EDITED Hindie M. Klein, PsyD, OHEL Director of Clinical Projects Introduction: Confronting Stigma in the Community HINDIE M. KLEIN, PSYD Michali is a 32-year-old single woman, who wants EDITOR desperately to be married. “Why do you want to marry?” asks the Shadchanit, (match maker). Dr. Hindie M. Klein is a Psychologist/ “Because I want a husband”. “Why, Why, tell me Psychoanalyst who serves as the Director of the truth!!” asks the Shadchanit, over and over, Clinical Projects for OHEL and who was the Clinical Project Manager of the groundbreaking not accepting any of Michali’s typical answers. OHEL film, Rising From Divorce. She holds Finally, in desperation, Michali shouts, “Because a Post-doctorate in Psychoanalysis from I don’t want to be alone! Because I want to be New York University Postdoctoral Program respected like other women once they are in Psychotherapy and Psychoanalysis and married. Because I want to be accepted, to love maintains a private practice specializing in the treatment of adolescents, adults and couples. and be loved. Because I want to be the wife at the Dr. Klein is on the Executive Committee of Shabbos meal and not the single guest!!” the United Task Force, and serves on the Boards of Nefesh, the International Network These words sound so familiar to many young of Orthodox Mental Health Professionals, women. and COJO Flatbush. Dr. Klein is the recipient of several community service awards and In fact, these words are from the opening scene has presented extensively and written on of an Israeli film by Ultra Orthodox director a broad range of topics, including trauma, Rama Burshtein entitled “The Wedding Plan”. attachment, post-partum depression, divorce, and countertransference. For over 32 years, The film portrays-- with pathos, sensitivity and Dr. Klein’s commitment to community mental dry humor--how tormented and despairing older health has inspired her to lecture, write and single women can feel in our culture today. provide treatment to and for the Jewish community. And what is very significant is that this topic is now receiving international cinematic attention via this film. It’s not just in our back yard anymore. Brene Brown, the American scholar and writer, is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social work. Her TED talks and lectures often speak to the 2 VOICES OF STRENGTH concepts of self-acceptance, self-love, and infinite loop: a person is thought of as deficient, worthiness; allowing us to embrace ourselves as which makes him or her feel even more deficient being imperfect and vulnerable, which to her is a or lacking. sign of true courage. When reflecting on what types of stigmas to A New York Times article of June, 2017 entitled address, many conceptions came to mind. “Learning to Fail”, is about a program at Smith Ultimately we chose diverse themes—voices College, “Failing Well”, an initiative that attempts as it were—of stigmas that we see most often to “destigmatize failure”. The program eschews in our lives today, and within the current climate the concepts of perfectionism; rather, it wants of our specific culture and society. Mental illness. student to embrace failure, which in turn can help Sexual abuse. Divorce. Infertility. Older singles foster resilience. and finding the proper match. Physical disability. Developmental disability. The powerful career In thinking about Michali, the work of Brene woman. Individuals who lose their jobs and their Brown and about the many others who are fortunes. confronted with what society very often perceives as “imperfections”, OHEL presents to Is there one stigma that is worse than another? the community the inaugural Journal Voices of Can we compare the pain of a divorced individual Strength: Personal Stories of Strength struggling to raise his or her children alone that Empower Our Community. to that of a childless couple? Or a person who To commemorate the opening of the has experienced a stroke to one who lives with groundbreaking NEW OHEL Jaffa Family Asperger’s? Or a person with schizophrenia to Campus, OHEL sought to further the discourse one who is a survivor of sexual abuse? of the many stigmas that exist in our community. Stigmas that develop due to disability or All of these situations bring with them their circumstance that hurt, alienate and marginalize own unique vulnerabilities, challenges, torment, so many in the community. trauma, shame and stigma. One situation may present with a short or long term resolution, At OHEL, we serve thousands of individuals via while another may never be resolved. Each of creative, innovative and numerous programs these stigmas can be viewed as highly personal that seek to help individuals lead full and healthy and will resonate differently with each reader, lives, no matter their issue or vulnerability. Our depending on his or her family history or current dedicated staff work painstakingly each day life situation. to treat clients with dignity, respect, empathy and compassion, eluding the voices of stigma Since experience is subjective, we cannot that surround their lives due to their clinical, definitively say that one stigma is worse than psychiatric, developmental, familial or other another. However, what we can definitively say situation. is that there is ONE source for ALL these stigmas –and that is all of us – the community. As you will see as you read these essays, many of our contributors refer to both internalized and We as a community stigmatize people who externalized experiences. There is the internal are different in some way. As such, although feeling of shame, of feeling/being flawed, less significant strides have been made by the than. And there is the external reaction of stigma, media and by OHEL and other organizations to which is placed upon the individual by society address de-stigmatization, we, as a community, and culture. They feed upon each other in an must work toward de-stigmatizing all of these INTRODUCTION: CONFRONTING STIGMA IN THE COMMUNITY 3 situations via empathy, education, tolerance and addresses the subtle nuances of the significant acceptance. stigma attached to the loss of job and fortune, and writes about the “glory of failure”. In our effort to eschew and eradicate stigma, we have sought to imbue our readers, as well as We will also read about stigma from a first person those challenged, with a true sense of HOPE. perspective. Drew Solender, a sophomore at Vasser College, writes poignantly about living a Hope that comes from a paradigm shift, a societal/ life with Asperger Syndrome. A woman who is cultural shift, a new way to be perceived and a prominent attorney and a partner in a highly experienced. If our community develops a new prestigious law firm anonymously addresses attitude of respect, compassion and validation, the issue of the powerful and highly successful those who are challenged will respond positively. career woman who lives in a society where this And the infinity loop will become an upward is not necessarily celebrated or appreciated. spiral. Frank Buchweitz, the former National Director A note about our contributors. Each writer was of Community Services for the OU writes with hand picked and invited to write on a theme pathos about how life has changed since his we presented to them, based on their vast stroke, and how his strong resilience has helped knowledge, expertise and experience. him day by day. An anonymous contributor writes movingly about her struggles with infertility, how When asking our contributors to write about it affects her relationships with family and friends, their theme, we requested several issues be and how her diligence and strong belief in G-d addressed. We wanted to hear how they defined inspire her to remain hopeful. the problem and its philosophical and/or clinical implications, what people needed to learn and Finally, Ezy Frankel writes with poignancy and know about this particular issue, and what passion about his turbulent life of addiction and lessons can be learned as to how we as a society his amazing journey of recovery. can best engage, embrace, and support people Each of these essays have informed and with these challenges. inspired me and I am truly grateful for having We will hear from various experts in the mental had the opportunity to work in partnership with health field. The venerable Rabbi Dr. Abraham such reflective, emotive, courageous and wise J. Twerski provides us with his thoughts on individuals. stigma and its impact on the fabric of our society. Finally, a word of thanks for Voices of Dr.