An Autoethnographic Exploration of Grief, the Doctoral Process, Dissertation Difficulties, and Doctoral Attrition
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A Dissertation entitled Writing through the Pain: An Autoethnographic Exploration of Grief, the Doctoral Process, Dissertation Difficulties, and Doctoral Attrition by Angela Matthews Submitted to the Graduate Faculty as partial fulfillment of the requirements for the Doctor of Philosophy Degree in Higher Education _________________________________________ Debra S. Harmening, Ph.D., Committee Chair _________________________________________ Anthony Edgington, Ph.D., Committee Member _________________________________________ Sandra Faulkner, Ph.D., Committee Member _________________________________________ Christopher Roseman Ph.D., Committee Member _________________________________________ Amanda Bryant-Friedrich, PhD, Dean College of Graduate Studies The University of Toledo May, 2017 Copyright 2017, Angela Matthews This document is copyrighted material. Under copyright law, no parts of this document may be reproduced without the expressed permission of the author. An Abstract of Writing through the Pain: An Autoethnographic Exploration of Grief, the Doctoral Process, Dissertation Difficulties, and Doctoral Attrition by Angela Matthews Submitted to the Graduate Faculty as partial fulfillment of the requirements for the Doctor of Philosophy Degree in Higher Education The University of Toledo May 2017 Grief can impair the ability of a person to function productively, and it can prevent doctoral students from completing their degrees. The purpose of this study was to (a) develop a better understanding of the grief process, (b) use writing as a method of understanding my personal grief process, (c) share my experiences of coping with grief and dissertation work to help other doctoral students face challenges in the struggle to complete their degrees, and (d) uncover suggestions to help guide university faculty and staff when offering support to other grieving doctoral students. The researcher examined her personal experiences with grief and dissertation work and then connected those experiences with those of the larger higher education community. The researcher found she needed to (a) allow time for the grieving process without rushing through it or trying to conform to a time frame established by others, (b) frequently assess life and career goals to determine whether doctoral study still fit those goals, (c) research a subject relevant to life after the loss rather than before the loss, (d) utilize a research method appropriate to both her and her study, and (e) utilize support from a variety of sources. This study adds to the limited literature about grief and doctoral attrition and contributes iii to the existing body of knowledge available to assist grieving doctoral students complete their degrees. Keywords: Grief; Doctoral Attrition; Dissertation Writing; Therapeutic Writing; Adult Transition Theory: Stages of Grief iv I dedicate this work to my son, Taylor, with all my love. Acknowledgements Several people offered their assistance during this project. My cohort peers encouraged, commiserated, collaborated, and provided valuable feedback on my narrative. My husband, Jim, provided constant, dependable support and would not let me quit. My daughter, Sylvia, gave me encouragement even when I did not realize I needed it. My committee, Dr. Harmening, Dr. Roseman, Dr. Edgington, and Dr. Faulkner, provided much more advice and direction than I ever expected regarding the dissertation, its publication, my career trajectory, and even my well-being through the entire process. My Chair, Dr. Harmening, endured frequent topic changes, research method confusion, and a long hiatus even before taking on the added role of advisor to the grief-stricken. Her support was invaluable. Without the help of every single person listed, I may not have persevered long enough to finish. I would also like to acknowledge readers, all those grieving and trying to piece life back together again, and parents who have lost children. Finally, thank you, Taylor, for everything you gave my life both before and since your death. vi Table of Contents Abstract iii Acknowledgements vi Table of Contents vii List of Tables xiv List of Figures xv I. Introduction 1 A. Context 1 B. Background of the Problem 6 C. Problem Statement 8 D. Purpose of the Study 13 E. Significance of the Study 13 F. Conceptual Framework 15 a. Transition Theory 15 b. Stages of Grief 16 G. Research Questions 19 H. Definitions of Terms 20 II. Literature Review 22 A. The Doctoral Process 22 a. Transition: Moving In 23 b. Development: Moving Through 25 c. Research: Moving Out 26 B. Doctoral Attrition 29 vii a. Student Traits or Characteristics 31 b. Student Expectations 33 c. Education and Career Goals 34 d. Socialization, Engagement, and Integration into the Department Culture 35 e. Relationships 36 f. External Factors 38 g. Dissertation-Specific Attrition 40 C. Grief 45 a. Health 45 b. Stress and Isolation 47 c. Identity Loss 48 d. Complicated Grief 51 e. Disenfranchised Grief 52 f. Positive Outcomes 52 g. Meaning 54 h. Coping Theories 56 i. Grieving Parents 58 j. Grieving Students 61 k. Integration 62 l. Coping Mechanisms 64 m. Graduate Students with Grief 65 D. Summary 66 viii III. Methodology 69 A. Research Design 69 B. Narrative Inquiry 69 C. Autoethnography 72 D. Visibility of Self 76 E. Strong Reflexivity 77 F. Engagement 78 G. Vulnerability 79 H. Open-Endedness 81 I. Data Collection 83 J. Evaluative Criteria: Truth, Resonance, and Verisimilitude 88 K. Cautions and Limitations 90 L. Conceptual Framework 91 a. Transition Theory 91 b. Stages of Grief 93 M. Summary 96 IV. Data and Analysis 98 A. 1. First Day 99 a. Reflection: The Outsider 101 B. 2. Day Two: Presentations 104 a. Reflection: Maybe Not as Far Outside as I Thought/Connections and Belonging 105 C. 3. Rewards 109 ix a. Reflection 112 D. 4. Teamwork 113 a. Reflection 114 E. 5. Death in the News 117 a. Reflection 119 F. 6. ABD 121 a. Reflection 126 G. 7. Car Crashes, Cancer, and Other Distractions 129 a. Reflection 131 H. 8. False Starts: Topics 135 a. Reflection 136 I. Methods 137 a. Reflection 138 J. 9. Unthinkable 140 a. Reflection 144 K. 10. Unknown 145 a. Reflection 146 L. 11. Neighbors 148 a. Reflection 149 M. 12. Sharing the News 150 a. Reflection 152 N. 13. Packing 152 a. Reflection 153 x O. 14. Stories 154 a. Reflection 155 P. 15. Schedule 156 a. Reflection 156 Q. 16. Listening 158 a. Reflection 159 R. 17. Nightmares and Seclusion 161 a. Reflection 163 S. 18. Twenty-One 165 a. Reflection 165 T. 19. Adopting the Winchesters 166 a. Reflection 169 U. 20. Wave Master 171 a. Reflection 173 V. 21. Pit Bulls 174 a. Reflection 176 W. 22. Criminal Minds 177 a. Reflection: What I Didn’t Say 179 X. 23. Talking 181 a. Reflection 182 Y. 24. Alternative Universe 183 a. Reflection 185 Z. 25. Fire 186 xi a. Reflection 187 AA. 26. One-On-One 188 b. Reflection 190 BB 27. Dear Taylor, 191 a. Reflection 193 CC. 28. Campus 195 a. Reflection 196 DD. 29. No Agatha Christie 198 a. Reflection 199 EE 30. Defense 200 a. Reflection 200 V. Reflection, Implications, Discussion, and Conclusions 202 A. Epilogue: Reflecting on the Writing Process 202 B. Discussion 208 C. Doctoral Coursework 209 D. Research Topic 214 E. Research Method 215 F. Chair and Committee Selection 216 G. Tenacity 218 H. Support 220 I. Focus on Goals 221 J. External Commitments 223 K. Grief 223 xii L. Institutional Implications 226 M. Research and Writing 228 N. Outreach 230 O. Education 232 P. Conclusion 233 References 234 xiii List of Tables Table 1 Cumulative 10-Year Attrition Rates among Doctoral Students. .......................9 xiv List of Figures Figure 1 Model of the Doctoral Process ........................................................................23 Figure 2 Tinto’s (1993, p. 240) Model of Doctoral Persistence ....................................31 Figure 3 Data-to-Narrative Process ................................................................................84 xv Chapter One Introduction Higher education has been a central part of my life for years, and during that time, completing my Ph.D. has been a high priority; however, the multiple stresses and obstacles involved in dissertation writing left me feeling that failure was absolutely possible, and many of my cohort peers felt the same. After the sudden death of my son, grief left me feeling incapable of research or writing. Until I discovered the research method of autoethnography, I doubted that I would ever finish, and I strongly believed that I could become one of the nearly 50% of doctoral students who drop out before graduating. While valuable research does exist on doctoral attrition, the personal narrative research is extremely sparse. My autoethnographic study of grief and doctoral attrition contributes to the limited literature available, and my personal narrative provides information and support to other doctoral students struggling through the dissertation process while they also cope with grief after a significant loss. Context My Higher education doctoral cohort peers and I started talking about our dissertations as early as our first year of classes. We knew it was a long, hard road and wanted to begin making progress down that road as soon as possible. We bounced topics off each other when we met for classes, offered feedback about how to narrow the focus of our topics and gather data, and debated the merits of qualitative versus quantitative research methods. One colleague even claimed she knew her topic already and wanted the papers she wrote for each class to be another chapter in her dissertation.