Fake Ads.Indd
Total Page:16
File Type:pdf, Size:1020Kb
STUDENTS · FACULTY · ADMINISTRATION TYCO would like to thank those of you who have chosen us as the copy center for your academic copying and printing needs. Although you have many choices in the New Haven area, we work hard to earn your business and to remain your first choice each and every time. TYCO is a family owned and operated business quietly, sincerely and consistently respecting and supporting the community we serve as a friend and neighbor for the past 36 years. Our knowledge of academic printing & copying that we have gained from over three decades of experience has allowed us to provide the highest level of service to a community that is second to none. For your next copying related project we hope that you will choose TYCO and get to know the professionalism, integrity and dedication that defines TYCO’s commitment to the Yale community. 262 Elm Street at Broadway New Haven (203) 562-COPY www.tycocopy.com 262Tel: Elm Street (at Broadway) STUDENTS · FACULTY203Tel: · ADMINISTRATIONor New203 Haven,562-COPY CT 06511 or Web: www.Web:Tel: TYCO would like to thank those203www. of562-COPY562COPY.COM you who have chosen us as the copy center for your academic copyingwww.tycocopy.com and printing needs. Although FAMILY OWNED AND OPERATED 262 Elm Street (at Broadway) FAMILY OWNED AND OPERATED 262 Elm Street (at Broadway) you have manySINCE choices 1971 in the NewNew Haven,Haven CT 06511area, we work hard to earn SINCE 1971 New Haven, CT 06511 yourFAMILY business OWNED ANDand OPERATED to remain your first choice each and every time. SINCE 1971 TYCO• Stationery is a family owned and operated business quietly, sincerely • Stationery • Select Papers and consistently• Select Papers respecting and supporting the community we serve • Fine Writing Instruments Elm City• Fine FineWriting Stationers Instruments • Gift Gallery as a• Giftfriend Gallery and neighbor for the past 36 years. Our knowledge of •academic Stationery1020 Chapel printingStreet (lower level) & copying that we have gained from over three 1020 Chapel Street (lower level) • SelectNew Papers Haven, CT 06510 decadesNewTel: Haven, of CTexperience 06510 has allowed us to provide the highest level of • Fine203Tel: Writing777-3567 Instruments 203 777-3567service to a community that is second to none. • Gift www.elmcityfs.comGallery TYCO and Elm City Stationers are centrally located in downtown New Haven. www.elmcityfs.com TYCO and Elm City Stationers are centrally located in downtown New Haven. 1020 ChapelPreserving Street the art(lower of writing level) forPreserving a new generation. the art of writing NewFor Haven, yourfor a new CT generation.next 06510 copying related project we hope that you will choose Tel: Announcements Flyers Mounting TYCO and get to know the professionalism,BannersAnnouncements FormsFlyers integrity PassportMountingand dedication Photos 203 777-3567 Banners Forms Passport Photos Binding TYCOGraphic and Elm DesignCity Stationers arePosters centrally located near the Yale campus. Open a TYCO XPRESS Charge Account or Binding Graphic Design Posters www.elmcityfs.comOpenthat a TYCOdefines XPRESS TYCO’sCharge Account orcommitmeColor Copyingnt to theInvitations Yale community.Printing we also accept MasterCard and Visa. CopyingColor Copying LabelsInvitations ProgramsPrinting we also accept MasterCard and Visa. DigitalCopying Output LaminatingLabels ReportsPrograms Preserving the art of writing DissertationsDigitalAnnouncements Output LargeLaminating DocumentsFlyers RubberReports StampsMounting for a new generation. EnvelopesDissertationsBanners LetterheadLarge DocumentsForms ScanningRubber StampsPassport Photos FaxingEnvelopes MailingLetterhead TicketsScanning FaxingBinding Mailing Graphic DesignTickets Posters Color Copying Invitations Printing Open a TYCO XPRESS Charge262 Account Elm orStreet Copyingat BroadwayLabels Programs use your department PTAEO number. Digital Output Laminating Reports New HavenDissertations Large Documents Rubber Stamps We also accept MasterCard and Visa. Envelopes Letterhead Scanning (203) 562-COPYFaxing Mailing Tickets www.tycocopy.com TTHEHE Y YALEALE R RECORDECORD ������ THE YALE RECORD ��� �������������������������������� ���������������� �������������������������������������������������������� ���������������������������� �� � �������������������������������������������������������������� ������������������������������� ���������������������������������������������������������� ����������������������������� ������������������������������������ ������������������ ��������������������������������������������������������� � ����������������������������� ������������������������������������ ������������������ ������������������������������������������������������������������ ��������������������������������� ���������������������������������������������������������� ����������������������������� ����������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������� � ������������������������������������������������ �������������������������� ������������� �� � ���������������������������������������������������� �������������������������� 73 The Yale Record �� ���������������������������������� ��� ����������������� � �� SERVINGSERVING GREATGREAT PIZZAPIZZA AND AND SANDWICHESSANDWICHES ��� SERVING GREAT PIZZA AND SANDWICHES � �� ��� � �� ��� � �� ������������������������������������������ ��� ��������������������� � �� �������������������������������������������������������������� ��� � ������������������������������ � ������������������������������ � � ���������������������������� ��������������� � �������������� ������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������ ��������������������������������������������������������� Dear Oscars, Dear Jesus, Heath Ledger is dead! You can’t Usually when a person gets to be do that: There are plenty of qualified, 2009 years old and is still a bach- living actors who deserved that elor, people start to ask questions— award! fabulous questions. —Frendan Braser —Your Father Barack Obama Is Committed Dear Jesus, I hear people are asking fabulous to Leading This Country, questions. Is it true? According to Facebook Status —Clay Aiken Dear Sean Penn, I really enjoyed your movie Milk. Threatened with Lawsuit, You play a retarded city supervisor Shaolin Monk Must Let All real good. —George W. Bush Races Kick Him in the Testicles 74 The Yale Record Dear Hillary Clinton, Dear Twentieth Century Fox, So instead of becoming Presi- Barack Obama + George W. dent, you’ve decided to become the Bush = The Bucket List II. I’ll lark’s President’s secretary? Way to go await your offer. C on cracking that glass ceiling, you —Jerry Bruckheimer phony. —Madonna Dairy Arizona Cardinals Flagged for Roughing the Passer ♦ Dear Bing Crosby, We have... Thank you for writing a song During Post-Game Handshake to commemorate my holiday, but ♦ Breakfast Specials I worry that “I’m Dreaming of a ♦ White MLK Day” sends the wrong Belgian Waffles Dear Books, message. ♦ Is it really so wrong to burn just Eggs and Omelettes With Concern, some of you? I am so cold, and ♦ Martin Luther King, Jr. Assorted Sandwiches Foucault is overrated. ♦ Skyscraper Club Sandwiches —Little Jimmy, DC ‘12 ♦ Fresh Lobster Roll ♦ Chicken Souvlaki on pita Farmers Threatening ♦ Heavenly Ice Cream to Foreclose Wall Street Dear Tom Daschle, C’mon, you call that a scandal? ♦ Delicious Sundaes I’ve known prostitutes with bigger ♦ Creamy Milk Shakes scandals than that. Dear Craigslist, —Elliot Spitzer ...and more! I see that your personal ads sec- tion has categories for a man seek- ing a woman, a man and a woman seeking a man, and even a man Area Man Still Waiting on seeking a man and a man, but none for a man seeking a woman, E-Bay Bid for Virginity a woman, a woman, a woman, a woman, and another woman. Dear Microsoft Word Paper Clip, Please correct this. I am in front of my laptop, staring —Carl blankly at the screen. Please help. I think I may be suffering a stroke. —Jeff ♦ Al-Qaeda Dismayed to Learn COME VISIT US! the Hudson Is a River Dear Sir, I can’t tell you how sorry I am 74 Whitney Ave about my behavior at your wife’s New Haven, CT 06510 funeral. I wasn’t smiling out of dis- Dear Katy Perry, respect; I just can’t help myself. (203) 777-2728 I killed a squirrel; I knifed it. With apologies, The Cheshire Cat ♦ -—A Redneck 75 The Yale Record College Street Cycles Repair Repair, Apparel Shifting, Braking & Wheels All Repairs Welcome and Accessories Guaranteed Parts & Repairs Apparel Mon-Thurs. Cold Weather Gear 10:00-7:00 Cycling Shorts Protective Equipment Fri-Sat Accessories 10:00-5:00 Full Selection of Bicycle Accessories Bike Locks Dear Yale Record, Dear Super Bowl Halftime Show I like the album art, but I think Organizers, you guys screwed me over. I picked After my success as a supporting up a copy thinking that this would act this time around, I’ll hope you’ll be a cool addition to my Ivy-League consider letting me be the headliner themed vinyl collection. All I got for next year. were fake letters based around half- —Bruce Springsteen’s Crotch baked puns, and those don’t define my existence in three minutes. Pitch- fork would give you guys a 2. Brazen, Cosmopolitan, Sincerely, TA also Happens to Be Jesse Snarkbag, ‘12 the Section Asshole Dolphin-Safe Dear Guy in the Audience, Cubs Also Fail To Win Look, we’re not doing a scene set “in my butt,” no matter how many World Series Of Poker times you suggest it. Hong Kong —Improv Comic Grocery Dear Yale Record,