Stef, remember to insert that T H E S N E A K Y V I K I N G stupid viking helmet here Volume XLI Edition 15 April 1, 2008 CSPA Gold Medalist

TheSaga Student Newspaper of East Lyme High School (woot woot) East Lyme, Connecticut Royal Flush for Freshmen

Poker tournament held by Saturday, March 15th and freshman class Sunday, March 16th. The as fundraiser winner walked away with by Hannah Barner a gift certifi cate to East Lyme Pizza and bragging The moment of truth rights. has come. Who will claim “It was really a the title? Answered with collaborative idea to a roar from the crowd, hold the tournament,” underdog junior Kate states freshman class Citron won the tournament president Chris Kohanski. with an unexpected royal “Having it telecast was fl ush. just a way we thought With excitement from the community could all participants, the two- get involved.” day poker tournament With the unusual support sponsored by the freshman of the administration, class in late March was a the freshman class went J. Beale/Saga huge success. Though ahead with plans and An old wooden table in A225 provides the best playing surface for a competitive showdown unpublicized, the event raised over $400 along between freshmen Sara Boike, Raj Thanabel, Mike Brousseau and Tyler Imbriaco. This poker took place in the INTV with three watches and craze has swept through the freshmen class, as crowds of them can be seen sneaking off into room and was broadcast an engraved pen of an the darkest corners of the school (i.e. the stairwells at lunch) to fulfi ll their craving for the on Channel 19 on esteemed faculty player. dirty game of poker. It just so happens their algebra and geometry classes aid them greatly in art of gambling away their lunch money and weekly allowance all in support of their class. New AP Final I Exam: Memorize N 150 lines of Beowulf Violence, Intrigue and a Mighty Fine Physique Page 3 The dark secret behind the its disposal which is spontaneous combustion people), Bill Bellichick, T Mr. Bagos as New Class of 2008’s wealth undoubtedly being used that may result from the and Marvin the Martian H School Principal by Brendan Welch for such devious plans as shock that you are surely to gain access to Roger I Page 4 Hannah Montana concert about to face from the Clemens’ personal stash S Dirty, sexy money. extravaganzas and a telling of this tale. of anabolic steroids Converse All-Stars It controls politics, mysterious exotic tribal Richard Connell, the and HGH several years E Required for All sports, entertainment, tradition known as “the four-time treasurer for ago. Juicing is a rich P.E. Classes underground cockfi ghting prom.” What is a secret, the clas of 2008 and cult business, and Connell D Page 7 I gangs and your high however, is how the snide hero in the Democratic was able to sell the goods T Your Mom school. Or at least, the seniors achieved this Republic of Congo, for huge profi ts, which Page 9 senior class. economic prosperity. was able to use his were directly transferred I Playboy Playmates It is no secret that Disclaimer: The Saga connections to Richard into the Class of O Movie Review the great Class of ’08 is not responsible for any Nixon (same fi rst name. 2008’s coffers. N Page 11 has bundles of cash at hangnails, heart attacks or this is powerful stuff, (See Scandal page 43) The Viking Saga The Best Section Ever! April 1, 2108 Our Two Cents are Fab: hey val, what do i don’t know... OKAY! A Day in the you want to put let’s go on Life of the in the saga? facebook! Editors-in-Chief

order to “stimulate” the economy. school. No matter how good I You wouldn’t want to give money think I look, the odd lighting back to those who actually paid and unfl attering atmosphere the brunt of the money in the fi rst brings me back to reality. place—because who knows, they 3) The paper-mâché man might do something silly, like sitting in a chair – That guy never save it! fails to fool me as I round the As for the war, I am in full corner of the offi ce and ponder, support of bringing the troops “Who is that kid sitting in the home immediately, causing the chair all by himself? Maybe I entire country of Iraq to collapse should go talk to him…” Brings and fall under the rule of radical a smile to my face every time. militant groups. Then we can 4) A225 – (a.k.a. Saga pump millions of more troops Central) is strategically located at I am sick of all of this right- back into a volatile environment In lieu of all of the silly the furthest point from the senior wing conservative crap! Those months later. The plan is solid! grievances students (especially parking lot possible, because it is crazy, religious-right from the To top it all off, I have seniors) make about ELHS, I just not enough for Stef’s and my south and the homosexual-hating become quite in touch with my think it is about time that we car to be the last ones on site as we hillbillies out west—they just true humanitarian. I have found pay tribute to the school that stumble out of the school dizzy don’t know what they are talking humility in political prisoners. has provided for us, sheltered from staring at InDesign pages. about. I would like to annouce In fact, I believe that criminals us and expanded our minds for 5)The library – They have that I am now a proud and offi cial are people too and should be six wholesome hours a day. taken brilliant strides toward member of the blue team. forgiven (without a religious For my share of the honoring, becoming ecology-friendly by One great thing about being connotation, you would not want sneakily changing the settings I have compiled the Five on the printer so that the paper a donkey is supporting the to be offensive) for their actions. Things I Love About presidential HOPEful Barack Therefore, not only am I against prints double-sided. So what if it Obama. His good looks and torture and capital punishment, East Lyme High School: is my Warykas term paper or my 1) Our cafeteria – There stunning features far outweigh but punishment of any kind. Even senior proposal (both worth half is no better way to work up an any lack of experience or a short jail sentence seems a bit my fourth quarter grade). My appetite than to scrounge a chair plagiarism problems he may have. too harsh. grade may drop, but I feel good from an unsuspecting freshman. To complete my newfound knowing that I helped save a tree. As a youth voter, I am After much physical labor, you respect for the Democratic Party, I could honestly go on particularly interested in can go fi ll up on a variety of I am in full support of a larger forever about all the things I love grease-dripping appetizers such having a president who has government, increased federal about the wonderful home of the as French fries and mozzarella made mistakes in the past, spending, a national debt that Vikings. If by any chance the sticks…then wash it down with who has “led the force” digs us into a hole that skims the reasons for ELHS’s excellence a nice, big slushy. And the best core of the earth and accepting slip through your mind, just in his committee without part about it is, you get to go campaign funds from any refer to my aforementioned going to any meetings to class with a blue/red/orange and all international criminals Five Things I Love About East tongue so that everyone will and has openly admitted or fugitives. Lyme High School, which will know what you got for lunch! to experimenting with As a staunch liberal, I cannot be published in the yearbook as 2) The bathrooms – Now hard drugs. wait to go out, fi nd a group of well. Or, take a glance up at the equipped with foamy soap, Liberalism has also hippies and join in protest against banner hanging in the Commons. the A-wing bathrooms do revolutionized the way I think anything where I get to scream It may be hard to read because nothing less than pamper us about the economy. I am in full and shout while holding a peace the font is a little small, but it during our restroom breaks. I support of giving taxpayers’ sign high in the air. says: “SILVER MEDALIST.” ALWAYS go in to get the best dollars to those who do not pay God (or any other mono/ That pretty much sums it up, motivation to hit the gym after taxes, and may be unemployed in polytheistic idol) bless America! we are the crème de la crème. Page ;-) The Viking Saga The Best Section Ever! April 1, 2108 See any familiar faces? Thumbs Up, Thumbs Down!

The soda machines will be returning to ELHS! To help defray the cost of the new fl oor in the gym, ELHS administrators have decided to reinstate the sale of soda in the commons.

The new school policy prohibiting fl ip fl ops! Just in time for spring, the administration has decided to ban the most popular footwear in the school, Photo Submitted wary of safety after a dangerous fl ip- The Saga will award free movie tickets to anyone who can identify Ms. Maddock at her fl op accident last year. No fair! senior prom back in the day. Turn your answers in to the Math department offi ce!

Watch Out! Our eyes are everywhere! Need a Babysitter? He can HANDLE it! Mr. Handler will be offering free child services for the day. Please drop off any spare or unruly children at his offi ce.

Look foward to an upcoming edition of Snagged! Photo Submitted/Redding Something to puzzle over... Have an opinion? Dave Cannamela & Cameron Gerbers Send your letters, questions Editors-in-Chief and comments to John Morton The Viking Saga at: News Editor [email protected] Carmel Lynn Alex Adam’s Apple Features Editor Hannah Barnyard Ryan Foster Kitten Brown Entertainment Editor Andrea Crunk Elizabeth Sullivan Ryann Folk Song Sports Editor Matthew Heathbar Jon Elia Ellie Clean hands Featured Illustrator Amy Lipton James Warykas Emily Fig Newton Advisor

Ramona Ostrich The Saga Staff Chris Worgul Saga Groupie Featured Writers Featured B. Welch’s Grape Juice Page 3 John Kleinhans Times Conservative News July 4th,2008 Murder Me in the First ELHS’s promising young students help out with the biggest murder investigation of the year by Ryann Foulke

Last Friday, the Hartford Police called has struck an actual victim with a very Finoli, another corrupt defense attorney, who in the help of East Lyme High School’s own simmilar modus operandi (or the method of formerly represented the Donnelly crime Karim Dib- operation). All syndicate. He too was viciously murdered Hajj, John too quickly, with a butcher knife, of the same make as Kleinhans, the students’ the one used by Neffl en. These alarming Derek fantacy case coincidences have brought police to the Johnson, became conclusion that there is more to these two Mary a reality. crimes than meets the eye. Cunningham, Casey At a press conference held on Wednesday, Chris Seery Neffl en was the Chief of Police said, “This murder has led and Alyssa the prosecutor our detectives to believe that there is a very Northcut to in the Bigilini meticulous, vigilante copycat.” help in the court case held The juniors and seniors of the Contemporary trial of James against the Issues class have so much knowledge of the Finoli’s well-known case the police felt that it would be unwise murder. J. Kleinhans/Saga crime family. not to use them and their experience with Finoli’s Prosecuting attorney Christopher Seery practices for the real When he lost the subject. The students have, so far, been murder bares trial on senior Vera Soloman. the case to able to help the investigators with the murder an uncanny resemblance to the in the mock Alex Day due to sloppiness, he went to a bar, weapon and the motive behind this imitator trial case in the murder of Alex Day committed had a few drinks and returned home to fi nd out attack. With the crime scenes almost identical, by Casey Neffl en. Although the Neffl en case that Day had allegedly molested his daughter the detectives are starting to feel that it was is still court, the similarity was too much weeks prior. After this traumatic experience an inside job. They believe that only one of to overlook. he is said to have left his house and murdered the students or the teacher who made up the While Ms. Rose Ann Hardy’s Contemporary Day with a butcher knife. Neffl en is pleading crime would have that much knowledge on Issues students have been working to prepare temporary insanity, while the prosecution is the subject. a “fi ctional case” to bring before a pannel of saying that he was in his right mind at the No arrests have been made in regard to the judges to show off their understanding of the time of the crime. murder, but there are a few civilians under legal system, a violent copy-cat, as it appears In the recent East Lyme murder case, police surveillance.

(Continued from front page) insists Mr. Sandford. “He made us sell them Saga is gracious enough to leave out that “It was Mr. Sandford’s idea, I swear!” to the football team in 2004. How else could part about my little escapade with the Connell insists. “We were able to supply they manage win a state championship?” lobbyist in the stall at the steroid operation them to the entire New England Patriots The FBI, IRS, and DMV are currently headquarters,” said Arizona senator football team in exchange for millions.” investigating these allegations. John McCain. Forget the espionage, it seems that we Political giants have not held back from The earth-shattering case is expected have fi nally found the true reason such an commenting on the situation. to reach a resolution within the next six incompetent and bogus franchise could win “I for one am just glad that the Viking hundred years. three Super Bowls. An anonymous source named Jim Barnes, reportedly close to the Class of 2008, revealed the entire operation to the noble reporters of the Saga. It seems that almost the entire administration was in on the crimes. “Why do you think Mr. Roberts closed down the bathrooms?” asks Barnes. “He knew you were on to him. That was where they did all the dirty work, and as such a heinous criminal, he wanted to cover J. Kleinhans/Saga his tracks.” “It was all Mr. Roberts’ idea, I swear!” The Saga was able to snag a secret interaction between Connell and Sandford Page 4, 678 John Kleinhans Times Rap City The Best Day Ever Shell-Shocked! Pregnancy Scare!! The astonishing truth about the North Gym renovations by Emily Newton by Matt Heath Here: One of the most infamous clubs at It always was “Legally East Lyme High School, the Chess Team, the motto of the Jessica is unable commonly known as the “Rookmasters,” tortoise that slow to be moved from are trying to recruit new members for their and steady would whereever she 2008-2009 season. The club has done win the race has chosen her considerably well over the course of the but in the case nesting ground to last ten years, with a championship team of East Lyme be,” says Black. just about every year. They are determined High School’s Because Jessica to keep that record going after last year’s North Gym is endangered, decade win. There is a problem though: the renovations, federal wildlife new regulations set forth in the Supreme everyone would laws have kept Court Case Simon v. Chase require a specifi c love a quick fi x. her from being dance to be accompanied with each move. Due to recent moved, and are This provides diffi cultly for the current team events slow and J. Kleinhans/Saga holding up the since everyone has two left feet. As a result, steady is the only The new addition to the North Gym North Gym’s they are recruiting dancers of all styles and way to go. renovation work. fl avors, with a preference towards hip-hop On March 20th, the famous Ranger Roger’s “We’re trying to keep the existence of Jessica and Latin dancing. Open auditions will be Traveling Reptiles paid a visit to Flanders’ on the down low,” says Principal Lawrence in Ms. Johansen’s room during Block D or Elementary School for an assembly. Roberts. “I feel that if the students are aware of by request. “When we do shows for younger audiences her, classes will be continuously disrupted.” we usually keep the big animals in the truck,” “I’ve been wondering why they have been says reptile trainer Willam Black. covering the windows in the gym,” says There: Due to all of the controversy over One of these big animals happens to be freshman Shane Davies. elections, ELHS has made the decision Jessica, an endangered 1600 lb. tortoise. School has remained in progress during to stop having a student senate. “It’s just During the school’s assembly, Jessica somehow this incident because Jessica is both safe and too much work and a lot of the kids don’t wandered out of her cage and off the truck. She approachable. PE teacher Jeff Handler has want to be there,” says junior senate advisor eventually walked straight through the open been placed in charge of visitation rights Michelle Dean. Now, there will be a group door of the high school’s North Gym. That for Jessica. of teacher advisors, consisting of gym afternoon Jessica startled some of the workers “Anyone who wants to see this mama has to teachers Rudy Bagos and Jeff Handler, when they came in and saw her sitting beneath go through me,” warns Handler. Consumer Education teacher Linda Foote, the fl oors frame. There is a price to be paid for all of the and English teacher Scott Mahon who “We were going to try to move her, but excitement of this temporary addition to the will make all of the decisions for all of the she seemed very defensive,” says head of ELHS family. The average tortoise egg takes classes. This will make a less controversial construction Ralph Webber. about two years to hatch. Since Jessica won’t and give the teachers and students alike This is due to the fact that she chose the be gone for a long, long time, our North Gym’s what they really want. North Gym as a place to lay three eggs. construction will be held up yet again. Everywhere: In Australia, kangaroos have recently checked out of their marsupial habitat Upcoming Parties in East Lyme on land in favor of a more aquatic lifestyle. Over the course of history, kangas have been April 2: East Lyme High School will be holding a press conference to announce notorious for living on land with roos in their Rose Ann Hardy’s run for the 2nd district Congressional seat, as a Republican. pouch. Now, due to global warming, the May 5: In honor of Stef Felitto’s birthday, Barack Obama will be coming to visit kangaroos are too warm and must go in the East Lyme High School. water to cool down, which is now easy for them because melted ice caps have extended May 7: Any and all AP tests scheduled for this date have been cancelled. You de- the shore all the way to the outback. As with serve the time off! any change of this magnitude, problems have May 10: The juniors will be having their prom in the Commons! Feel free to come erupted with the food chain. Now fi sh think and watch as they waltz into the entryway decked out in their fi nest duds. that kangaroos are dinosaurs. This brings June 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6: Offi cial senior skip days! See you at the beach! them back to their earlier stages, and as a June 26: The seniors are fi nally graduating! Due to the massive amount of snow result, many fi sh have gone into hiding. The days, holidays and anticipated senior skip days, the date was pushed back! entire world may soon end because of these selfi sh fi sh. Page 55 The Siking Vaga Features April Fools! Two Amazing Men, One Amazing Race Dr. Carleton and Mr. Roberts take the trip of a lifetime by Kit Brown East Lyme High School are bound to keep was shocked this year my toes nice and with the news that two toasty in that of its long-time favorite frigid Antarctic staff members, science weather!” teacher Peter Carleton “With those and principal Lawrence fuzzy friends, Roberts, were retiring. they’re bound to “I cried for hours,” win,” said history admitted junior Rachel teacher Matt Hutchins. “Doc. C is LaConti with a such an inspiration. I’ve smirk. always wanted to create an Junior KC Veitch indestructible plastic, just seemed to agree, like him!” “I’ll definitely be Though rumors have rooting for them; been circulating pertaining K. Brown / Saga they have a great to their post-retirement chance of winning! Mr. Roberts and Dr. Carleton are pumped up for their grand adventure plans–it was believed that To be honest, I’m Dr. Carleton would retreat to Model.” After a long and grueling not surprised they’re a friend’s farm and rumored that Mr. investigation that took Saga reporters going to be on TV. I always thought Roberts would take it easy for a while– to some of the shadiest parts of East Doc. C would be great on reality TV!” breaking news has been released to the Lyme, it was discovered that the two Whether $1,000,000 ends up in Dr. press that challenged these alibis. Dr. will be competing on the next season Carleton’s and Mr. Roberts’ pockets of “The Amazing Race,” which takes or not, the journey will definitely be place in Antarctica. one to remember. Who knows where “It started out as a dare. “We’ve been training for months,” it will take them. We’ll just have to Roberts said. “I’m actually surprised no watch and find out. “The Amazing Ms. Rand suggested we one found out earlier! Mr. Biggs helped Race: Antarctica” premieres April 1 on apply as a joke, and before us train, Mr. Place gave us lessons on Lifetime–Television for Women. how to use a GPS, and you knew it, one thing Mr. Hine enlightened us with his vast knowledge just led to another!” of Antarctic terrain.” Now For Sale in the With brains and -Principal Lawrence Roberts brawn aplenty, the final step was to contact CBS Commons: and formally accept the challenge. “I just looked Condoms available at Carleton and Mr. Roberts will soon at Peter and said, ‘You embark on an adventure even more know what? We should the Viking Vault! challenging than teaching chemistry quit our jobs and go to or heading the administration at one of Antarctica!’ Then we told the United States’ top 500 schools. CBS ‘Yes!’ and that was “It started out as a dare, it really that,” said Mr. Roberts. did,” Mr. Roberts confessed. “Ms. “I’m not usually one for Rand suggested we apply as a joke, rash decisions,” admits and before you knew it, one thing just Dr. Carleton. “But there led to another!” was no stopping me once “We never thought we’d have I bought a new pair of what they’re looking for,” said Dr. Uggs just for the trip,” he $1 for one, $2 for three. Carleton. No, the two are not upcoming said, modeling his new, contestants on “America’s Next Top furry footwear. “These Available in four colors. Page 6 The Siking Vaga Features April Fools!

working to his advantage, as many students and faculty at ELHS are beginning to wear Behind the Crocs Crocs. The true story of James Buchan’s Crocs and part-time teaching job History teacher Chris Sandford explains by Amy Li that when he had his ingrown toenail If you have seen a man with vibrant Crocs papers. He claimed it’s because he has “Buchan wears a new wheeling a grocery cart of books down the ‘other priorities,’” explains Buchan’s former halls of East Lyme High School, you may student, sophomore Cameron Gebhard. pair of Crocs everyday! have found him a bit peculiar. Yet, beneath As an anchor at Sports Center, Mr. Buchan the vivid apparel lies the story of must devote most of his time to working on There has to be a reason English teacher James Buchan, set. The show is sponsored by Crocs, so an interesting individual with naturally, every cast and crew member of why the man owns so a fascinating story. Although the popular television show wears these his colorful shoes may seem shoes on an everyday basis; but viewers many rubber gardening like your typical everyday cannot see the footwear because the shoes.” footwear, there is more broadcasters hide their feet behind than what meets the eye. the desk. -junior Rachel Lyon “Buchan wears a Mr. Buchan is no different. new pair of Crocs In fact, he is even more everyday! There enthusiastic than removed, he wore a pair of black Crocs has to be a reason because they were a “healthy why the man owns necessity,” but in reality, his so many rubber claim was merely a cover up gardening shoes,” for his Croc enthusiasm. exclaims junior As a result of Mr. Buchan’s Rachel Lyon. hard work and devotion In reality, Mr. as a Croc model, the Croc Buchan has been Company is designing the teaching part-time “Jimmy B Croc” in his honor. at ELHS for three his co-workers about the The newly designed shoe will be printed with years because it is rubber product. Even after Mr. Buchan’s favorite design: Hawaiian palm diffi cult to teach full taking on his second job trees and tropical fl owers. The Jimmy B Croc -time and work for at ELHS, Mr. Buchan still will be available in stores in late April for

one of television’s K. Weiss / Saga fi nds it necessary to support only $59.99. most widely viewed, the company. In the near future, Mr. Buchan hopes to Croc-sponsored shows. “More funds are donated continue his Croc modeling and maintain Before he began teaching to Sports Center for every both jobs. He says that by staying committed at East Lyme, Mr. Buchan pair of Crocs purchased, and to his current status, he will have something worked on set for ESPN’s Sports-= Center, I know that wearing them in a public to refl ect upon in his old age, while he sits on where he still continues to work, around his environment is defi nitely going to infl uence his front porch with his bright and colorful ELHS schedule. somebody,” explains Mr. Buchan. gardening shoes, which he will fi nally be able “It took him over a month to grade our Apparently, these advertising tactics are to use properly.

(Poker continued from Front Page) Beginning early Saturday morning, there of the mouths of sore losers. In addition to “With all the negativity in the media about were seven different games going at the same the scuffl e between Cole-Chu and Boucher, East Lyme in recent years, we thought we time. The winners from each of those games there were a total of seven accusations, only would show a different side of the educational, went to the championship round the following one of which was proven true as Barnes found mature environment that surrounds ELHS,” morning. Though only fi ve students and two cards taped under a table. explains ELHS principal Lawrence Roberts. teachers were in the Sunday game, more than Overall, the success of the poker Roberts and the administration support the half of the participants from the previous day tournament will not likely be matched by fundraiser wholeheartedly. came to see who won the winning hand. other fundraisers, as 75 students are already The turnout for the event was incredible “Oh, come on, he pulled that card out waiting to sign up for the next one. with about 65 members of the high school of his sleeve!” exclaimed senior Lily Cole- “I know I’ll defi nitely be the fi rst on that participating, including staff, students and Chu, as her hand was beat by fellow senior list,” states Citron about a possible future even administrators. Security director James Mike Boucher. tournament. Look out for the next tournament Barnes and assistant principal Jeffrey Provost Security issues came into play as to see who can take down the defending were among the participating faculty. accusations between students began to fl y out junior champion.

Page 7

The Viking Saga Red Sox February 31, 2008

dedicated to playing the game, McFarland McFarland game, the playing to dedicated

players and Reed’s really great about helping helping about great really Reed’s and players

Lawrence Roberts to create a team exclusively exclusively team a create to Roberts Lawrence

encourages students in every grade to join. join. to grade every in students encourages explains, “We have some really strong strong really some have “We explains,

After receiving permission from Principal Principal from permission receiving After

to be held through mid-April and McFarland McFarland and mid-April through held be to Senior and squad member Kat Buckingham Buckingham Kat member squad and Senior

competition at school.” at competition

more students to join. Tryouts will continue continue will Tryouts join. to students more have a successful start. successful a have

it would be “cool to have the same type of of type same the have to “cool be would it

ten members and is therefore looking for for looking therefore is and members ten extremely devoted to the sport and hope to to hope and sport the to devoted extremely

competed at a state level, McFarland felt that that felt McFarland level, state a at competed

As of right now, the team consists of only only of consists team the now, right of As fi rst year competing, the members are all all are members the competing, year rst

Patty Cake Champion. Having Having Champion. Cake Patty

members besides himself. himself. besides members

slaps before their match tomorrow night. tomorrow match their before slaps

McFarland, who was once the National National the once was who McFarland,

too because there are many talented talented many are there because too

Jackson Forcier and Reed McFarland practice their patty cake cake patty their practice McFarland Reed and Forcier Jackson

Patty Cake Squad,” is the brainchild of of brainchild the is Squad,” Cake Patty

steroids, other team members use them them use members team other steroids,

A.Li/saga Reed McFarland likes to call it “the “the it call to likes McFarland Reed

denies this, explaining that if he used used he if that explaining this, denies

The Patty Cake Team, or as captain captain as or Team, Cake Patty The

McFarland on the other hand, hand, other the on McFarland

students in all grades. grades. all in students

Cake Nationals?” Cake

a new spring sport is being offered to to offered being is sport spring new a

steroids…how else did he win Patty Patty win he did else steroids…how

This year at East Lyme High School, School, High Lyme East at year This

Little, “It’s not normal. I swear he uses uses he swear I normal. not “It’s Little,

game of patty cake, it is not. is it cake, patty of game

“Reed is so good!” says junior Ellen Ellen junior says good!” so is “Reed

gathering may look like an innocent innocent an like look may gathering

enhancing drugs. drugs. enhancing

within the small circle. Although this this Although circle. small the within

their captain of using performance- using of captain their

quickly speeds up and competition rises rises competition and up speeds quickly

various patty cake players have accused accused have players cake patty various

and sing along to the beat. The beat beat The beat. the to along sing and

fact or or fact fi ction conspired from jealousy, jealousy, from conspired ction

friends as they clap their hands together together hands their clap they as friends

lunchtime gossip. Regardless if it is is it if Regardless gossip. lunchtime

commons surrounded by his closest closest his by surrounded commons talent” has become the highlight of of highlight the become has talent”

Junior Reed McFarland sits in the the in sits McFarland Reed Junior

rumors questioning the team’s “natural “natural team’s the questioning rumors

by Amy Li Amy by Although the team’s season just began, began, just season team’s the Although While this spring may be the team’s team’s the be may spring this While

up. We’re looking to win some titles.” some win to looking We’re up. devotion is being offered at ELHS at offered being is devotion Marc 17. Marc

the members that have a hard time keeping keeping time hard a have that members the A new sport requiring quick hands and and hands quick requiring sport new A and his fellow teammates began practice on on practice began teammates fellow his and

Patty Cake, Patty Cake Patty Cake, Patty

through a random drug test before the state tournament. tournament. state the before test drug random a through

director Jim Barnes. Jim director ELHS boys’ swim team, on which Boucher participated, were put put were participated, Boucher which on team, swim boys’ ELHS

them wandering around the halls, please report them to security security to them report please halls, the around wandering them were not proven guilty until March. That is when the members of the the of members the when is That March. until guilty proven not were

been seen ever since. If you notice notice you If since. ever seen been

disproportionate heads, the perpetrators perpetrators the heads, disproportionate the East Lyme Boat Race. Boat Lyme East the

check, just last week and have not not have and week last just check, the contest due to their extremely extremely their to due contest the records have been revoked and they will forever be banned from from banned be forever will they and revoked been have records

fi rst place prize, a $2,000,000 dollar dollar $2,000,000 a prize, place rst about the steroid use throughout throughout use steroid the about steroids to help them win this year’s boat race. their awards and and awards their race. boat year’s this win them help to steroids

in ski masks walking away with the the with away walking masks ski in Above: Mike Boucher and Dan Forget have been caught using using caught been have Forget Dan and Boucher Mike Above: Although there was much speculation speculation much was there Although

Boucher and Forget had been spotted spotted been had Forget and Boucher juicing,” said senior Ben Fontneau. Fontneau. Ben senior said juicing,”

Despite their disquali their Despite fi cation, cation, S.Felitto/saga beefy. I thought somebody had been been had somebody thought I beefy.

splashing of spectators,” said Tucker. Tucker. said spectators,” of splashing competition wimpy, but ended it pretty pretty it ended but wimpy, competition

another who had done some illegal illegal some done had who another enough they won. “Boucher started the the started “Boucher won. they enough

who had done an illegal tape job and and job tape illegal an done had who trophy. They risked their lives, but sure sure but lives, their risked They trophy.

I had already disquali already had I fi ed one group group one ed names forever inscribed on the the on inscribed forever names fi rst place place rst

“There was nothing else I could do. do. could I else nothing was “There The team’s motive: to have to motive: team’s The their their

tags were peeled off of the trophy. trophy. the of off peeled were tags at ELHS. at

the boys’ maroon adhesive name name adhesive maroon boys’ the holds the annual cardboard boat rac boat cardboard annual the holds

hold of this information and at last, last, at and information this of hold engineering teacher Lewis Tucker who who Tucker Lewis teacher engineering

A few days later, Tucker got a a got Tucker later, days few A never thought it’d be my kids,” my be it’d thought never said said

putting him on probation. probation. on him putting school is caught using steroids, but I I but steroids, using caught is school

the undefeated team’s victories, and and victories, team’s undefeated the “It’s about time somebody in this this in somebody time about “It’s

meets for the year, forfeiting three of of three forfeiting year, the for meets done the trick. trick. the done

disquali fi ed from any further swim swim further any from ed of anabolic steroids seemed to have have to seemed steroids anabolic of

tests. This resulted in Boucher being being Boucher in resulted This tests. defending champions? A few injections injections few A champions? defending

National Scholastic Anti-Doping Program and administered the the administered and Program Anti-Doping Scholastic National scrawny senior Mike Boucher and lanky junior Dan Forget beat the the beat Forget Dan junior lanky and Boucher Mike senior scrawny

urine during the testing,” said Barry Bonds, who is the founder of of founder the is who Bonds, Barry said testing,” the during urine puzzled over the results of this year’s cardboard boat race. How did did How race. boat cardboard year’s this of results the over puzzled

“A small trace of anabolic steroids was found in Michael Boucher’s Boucher’s Michael in found was steroids anabolic of trace small “A Last January, hundreds of East Lyme High School students were were students School High Lyme East of hundreds January, Last

by Ellie Kleinhans

2008 boat race winners found guilty of using steroids Caught Roid-Handed Caught

Page 9

The Viking Saga Red Sox February 31, 2008

This could be you! be could This cheering for the Cowboys. the for cheering

squad. He dreams of one day day one of dreams He squad.

Ben Fontneau Ben Dick North Dick

the Denver Bronco’s cheerleading cheerleading Bronco’s Denver the

Kevin Dolan Kevin Matt Lento Matt

James Gordy James signs a contract with with contract a signs

Steve Gray Steve Emily Walker Emily

Leah Clement Clement Leah Jillian Rix Jillian

Swimsuit Edition. Swimsuit

Wade Berry Wade Carly Thibault Carly

contract with Sports Illustrated Illustrated Sports with contract

Josh Patterson Josh Victoria Santoro Victoria

fast!

Christy Nixon Christy receives a modeling modeling a receives

results results Using Steroids Using

dropped three buckets in the game. the in buckets three dropped Featured Athletes Featured see see

New London High School. John John School. High London New

performance on Senior Night against against Night Senior on performance m

from the Viking Vault Viking the from for his wonderous and outstanding outstanding and wonderous his for u

s

Kleinhans receives ECC recognition recognition ECC receives

With any $2 purchase purchase $2 any With

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East Lyme basketball’s senior senior basketball’s Lyme East John John

e

n

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n Kleinhans Makes All ECC! All Makes Kleinhans

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m n e free! c by Weiss-k by

Boxers or Briefs or Boxers

teased me relentlessly, calling me broccoli broccoli me calling relentlessly, me teased fi rst class to the United States while they they while States United the to class rst

just the luck of the Irish on her side.” her on Irish the of luck the just worst year of my life,” says Liz. “The kids kids “The Liz. says life,” my of year worst into a Lucky Charms box and shipped her her shipped and box Charms Lucky a into

says Mr. McLoughlin. “She’s got more than than more got “She’s McLoughlin. Mr. says “The third grade was hands down the the down hands was grade third “The the age of eight, they carefully packed her her packed carefully they eight, of age the

“I’m con “I’m fi dent that she’ll take the title,” title,” the take she’ll that dent accept her the way that her parents did. parents her that way the her accept States who could make her normal-sized. At At normal-sized. her make could who States

national competition? national school years proved that society would not not would society that proved years school daughter to send her to a doctor in the United United the in doctor a to her send to daughter

prove to be the recipe for success in the the in success for recipe the be to prove hair and all. Unfortunately, Liz’s elementary elementary Liz’s Unfortunately, all. and hair parents decided that it would be best for their their for best be would it that decided parents

Competition. But will this magical mixture mixture magical this will But Competition. would support Liz the way she was, green green was, she way the Liz support would With the advice of Dr. O’Brien, Liz’s Liz’s O’Brien, Dr. of advice the With

including the National Irish Step Dancing Dancing Step Irish National the including At At fi rst, her parents decided that they they that decided parents her rst, to compete in human competitions.” human in compete to

her to that victory and many more after, after, more many and victory that to her future.” “This is due to the fact that they are too small small too are they that fact the to due is “This

and LGH coursing through her veins led led veins her through coursing LGH and about how her size would affect her in the the in her affect would size her how about dancers,” says specialist Dr. Conan O’Brien. O’Brien. Conan Dr. specialist says dancers,”

The combination of leprechaun blood blood leprechaun of combination The “Nevertheless, we were concerned concerned were we “Nevertheless,

fi rst Irish step dancing competition. competition. dancing step Irish rst baby,” says Mr. McLoughlin. McLoughlin. Mr. says baby,”

-Matt McLoughlin -Matt

Liz had grown enough to compete in her her in compete to enough grown had Liz would have loved a full-sized full-sized a loved have would

sized baby.’ sized

McLoughlin. After just one year on LGH, LGH, on year one just After McLoughlin. “We loved her as much as we we as much as her loved “We

but the results were incredible,” says Mr. Mr. says incredible,” were results the but from stealing her pot of gold. of pot her stealing from

we would have loved a full- a loved have would we

“Of course we were skeptical at at skeptical were we course “Of fi rst rst out of his hands to prevent him him prevent to hands his of out

make Liz the same size as humans. as size same the Liz make doctor tried to hold her she jumped jumped she her hold to tried doctor

‘We loved her as much as as much as her loved ‘We

“LGH,” was the only thing that would would that thing only the was “LGH,” after she was born. When the the When born. was she after

that Leprechaun Growth Hormone, or or Hormone, Growth Leprechaun that leprechaun almost immediately immediately almost leprechaun

with Dr. Bradford Cruise who told them them told who Cruise Bradford Dr. with Doctors con Doctors fi rmed that Liz was half half was Liz that rmed know that leprechauns are the best Irish step step Irish best the are leprechauns that know

Once reunited in the U.S., they met met they U.S., the in reunited Once there was a problem,” says her father Matt. father her says problem,” a was there inherent talent for Irish step dancing. “Few “Few dancing. step Irish for talent inherent

the best thing for her.” for thing best the so when Liz was born at 3 ounces, we knew knew we ounces, 3 at born was Liz when so Later, however, they discovered her her discovered they however, Later,

“But we knew that what we were doing was was doing were we what that knew we “But children weight about 6 pounds, 5 ounces ounces 5 pounds, 6 about weight children ‘Hey Liz, where’s your pot of gold?’” of pot your where’s Liz, ‘Hey

we’ve ever had to do,” says Mr. McLoughlin. McLoughlin. Mr. says do,” to had ever we’ve away that she was not a typical baby. “Most “Most baby. typical a not was she that away I never went a day without someone asking, asking, someone without day a went never I

“Leaving Ireland was the hardest thing thing hardest the was Ireland “Leaving Dublin, Ireland and her parents noticed right right noticed parents her and Ireland Dublin, head and green bean. The worst part was that that was part worst The bean. green and head

fl ew over. ew Elizabeth McLoughlin was born in in born was McLoughlin Elizabeth

by Alexandra Addabbo Alexandra by

She’s Got More Than the Luck of the Irish the of Luck the Than More Got She’s

protect the secret behind her success… her behind secret the protect

ing Championship and gained her a free trip to the international competition. Now, Elizabeth is training hard but is working ev working is but hard training is Elizabeth Now, competition. international the to trip free a her gained and Championship ing en harder to to harder en

McLoughlin has never been one to back down from a challenge. Her fearlessness and determination lad her to the National Irish S Irish National the to her lad determination and fearlessness Her challenge. a from down back to one been never has McLoughlin tep Danc- tep

Some activities are not to be attempted by the faint of heart and Irish step dancing is one of them. Luckily, sophomore Eliza sophomore Luckily, them. of one is dancing step Irish and heart of faint the by attempted be to not are activities Some beth beth

Page 8 The Riking Raga Are you Entertained? Rapril 1, 2007 ELHS Shooting Stars

A Tough Act to Follow: Bobby Buckley Heads for a Bigger Stage by Ramona Ostrowski

Many people would do Mayer with the song he had written for him, “I’ll get them all concert tees.” almost anything for a chance “John, You’re the Mayor of my Heart.” to meet their idol. Others Mayer was so impressed by the song, would sacrifice their left thumb and by Buckley’s devotion, that he talked for a shot at stardom. Luckily for senior to his manager and booked Buckley to Bobby Buckley, he was able to accomplish be the opening act for his upcoming both these goals while keeping his body summer tour. intact. “I will definitely go see the concert,” “I’m opening for John Mayer!” Buckley says junior Alyssa Andres. “I love John squealed excitedly when asked about his Mayer, and I love Bobby Buckley. most recent accomplishment. “I broke into It’s going to be even better than the his tour bus when I was at his last concert, Spice Girls!” and I waited in there for seven hours before However, the news is bittersweet for he came in.” This gutsy–and illegal–move some. “I wish the rest of us in Offhand almost got Buckley arrested. (the band Buckley is part of) could go with “When [Mayer] first came in, he was him, but I’m happy for good ole Bob,” says really mad and freaked out,” Buckley Buckley’s band mate, senior Nate Belke. admitted. Luckily, he soon assured the “I’ll make it up to them,” Buckley says, singer that he had only good intentions acknowledging his group’s disappointment. Buckley strikes a pose with Mayer and mutual fan by whipping out his guitar and serenading Vanessa Hudgens Lights, Camera, Action: Joe Wawrzynski Makes His Way Toward Hollywood by Alexandra Addabbo

Look out Brad Pitt and Orlando Bloom; for fame since he was a baby. According to his through countless castings and fi nally found Hollywood is about to gain another mother Leslie, Wawrzynski has been posing the perfect job to jump start his career. This hottie. After hiring two agents, junior Joe in front of the mirror since he learned how to spring, he will make his debut on televisions Wawrzynski is picking up modeling jobs walk. She says that his biggest inspiration is everywhere when he appears in a cologne left and right and is preparing to make “defi nitely Derek Zoolander; he thinks they commercial with Antonio Banderas. the move with his mom from East Lyme look like twins.” “I think Joe is perfect for a cologne ad,” to Tinseltown. Since hiring his agents, Michael Bloom says junior Rachel MacLellan. “He always “I always knew that being in the limelight and Linda Crawford, Wawrzynski has been smells so good!” was my destiny,” says Wawrzynski. “I’m going to various go-sees and casting calls. Fortunately, his newfound stardom has pretty sure there’s more to life than being “He’s very enthusiastic and is willing to not gone to his head. “We have to give him really ridiculously good looking, but I don’t try anything. We’ve sent him to open calls at least two hours notice before we can do feel like I need to fi nd out for sure.” for everything from Abercrombie and Fitch anything so that he has time to get ready, In fact, it seems as though catalogs to nasal spray commercials,” says and sometimes it’s hard to get him out of Wawrzynski has been preparing Crawford. Interestingly enough, Bloom the mirror,” says friend and fellow junior and Crawford are the former agents Surav Sakya. “Other than that, he’s just the of ELHS junior Matias Francone, same guy.” who they say was dropped because Once in Hollywood, Wawrzynski is “he’s just too modest and humble for looking to make the transition from model this industry.” to model/actor. “I can defi nitely see him Though Wawrzynski has not yet as the next Mark Wahlberg,” says junior heard back from Abercrombie, the Tom Krasner. nasal spray commercial does not look So take advantage of the time that ELHS like it will be the job for him. “I can’t has left with Joe Wawrzynski. Find him in

K. Eberle/ Saga use it without sneezing,” he says. the hall, shake his hand, or even ask for an Joe Warzynski graciously stops to sign autographs for a Despite his minor allergic autograph. That future collector’s item could few lucky ELHS students reaction, Wawrzynski persevered pay off your college loans someday. Page 10 The Riking Raga Are you Entertained? Rapril 1, 2007 Michael Jackson inspired wedding for two teachers Hollywood Happenings Thriller! by Emily Newton The latest news from Tinseltown by Ramona Ostrowski Who: English teacher Alexa Mantoni the effect, he likes to wear a white glove and history teacher Henry Kydd. What: that he keeps in his closet while breaking *In an arrangement that has shocked the A Thriller wedding. When: July 10, 2008 it down. He says it really “puts me in world, Angelina Jolie has announced that Why: Why not? character.” she and Brad Pitt will be adopting the unborn It is human nature to want to have a These sorts of precautions are necessary baby of 16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears. wedding that will stand out. So in order because the dance is a pivotal part of “Taking children out of unsafe situations and to have the wedding of a lifetime, Ms. the wedding ceremony. The dance has giving them a good home is just what we do,” Mantoni and Mr. Kydd have taken a cue been murdered by anyone and everyone, Jolie told the press. Spears says that giving from Wacko Jacko himself to plan this including prison inmates and Vice President up her child was the right choice because undoubtedly legendary ceremony. Dick Cheney. Both Ms. Mantoni and Mr. “Spears women just don’t seem to make the “Growing up, I was in love with Michael Kydd do not want to be another statistic in best mothers.” Jackson… seriously in love. I’ve had the the Thriller failure rate. *Despite declaring herself a changed woman posters, watched the videos, and screamed Close family and friends are to attend after her stint in jail last year, no one has my heart out at his concerts… It’s always the wedding, with Billie Jean being the maid seen a difference in Paris Hilton until now. been my dream to have a wedding inspired of honor and a mysterious little man known She began showing her new colors when by him,” says Ms. Mantoni. simply as P.Y.T. will be the best man. The she announced that she would soon be It was what some might call obsession wedding will defi nitely be memorable… embarking on a 25 minute goodwill tour that prompted both Ms. Mantoni and Mr. and surely be startin’ somethin’! of Canada. The purpose of the trip is to Kydd to take lessons at the East Lyme provide citizens with exotic pets and “The Senior Center to learn the Thriller zombie- Simple Life” DVDs. When asked why infested walk. They do the legendary Canadians needed help, the heiress replied, shindig fl awlessly and love showing “That’s hot.” their students. *A bottle was found on a beach in France “In English class last week, we were taking containing the message “Help me, I’m a quiz. Then all of a sudden, Ms. Mantoni trapped by a crazy man!” The message was turned the computer onto YouTube, put the signed “Katie Holmes.” A statement from volume up all the way to Thriller, and then the representative of Tom Cruise, Holmes’ just started dancing,” says junior Stephanie husband, says, “Katie is perfectly happy. She Van Alsten. K. Eberle/ Saga loves Tom. She never wants to leave him. “Doing the dance for my students helps Katie is fi ne!” Holmes has not been seen in me practice because I don’t want to let my Ms. Mantoni and Mr. Kydd practice, practice, months, and her rep could not be reached. fi ancée down,” says Mr. Kydd. To complete practice the Thriller dance for their big day The Junk Drawer by Kate Eberle It may be hard to believe that there are any another song. musical artists in the world more talented than Montag is a music-lover’s dream come true; the Paris Hilton, but believe it-there is one, and her only problem with her is her apparent lack of name is Heidi Montag. self-confi dence. In the music video for “Higher,” Montag was formerly known as MTV’s she seems very self-conscious and covered- reality show The Hills, but she has moved on to up. Obviously, she is one girl who has never heard the saying “If you’ve got it, fl aunt it!” bigger and better things. The release of her song Nevertheless, Heidi Montag is an “Higher” has been an exciting mark of the beginning inspiration to all musicians of the world. At of her music career. Montag has a sound like no the end of “Higher,” she half-whispers, “Am I other, with a voice so amazing that it would reduce dreaming?” The real question is, are we dreaming? Simon Cowell to tears of joy, and probably have him Or has the world fi nally found its best musician begging on hands and knees for her to grace him with of all time? dontcostnothing.wordpress.com

Page 11 Talladega Nights The Stupid, Pointless Backpage that everyone loves except Val and Stef April 1, 2008 The Pictures that Never Made the Cut

Saga Archives Mike McLellan and Matt Lacerte say, “Peek-a-boo!” Saga Archives SNAGGED! Big Paul and Chris Stevens share a sentimental moment listening to Marvin Gaye’s, “Let’s Get It On”

Saga Archives Mrs. Hardy take note: A passerby steals a bag of Doritos Saga Archives under Cameron Gerber’s nose. He is obviously slacking off The hip-hop dance team tries out some new during his post at the College Fair refreshment stand. moves in the choral room

Saga Archives Saga Archives Sandford’s impersonation of his idol, Hillary Clinton And a response to this Page 12