UNCORRECTED PROOF — NOT FOR SALE This proof may not be quoted for publication Contents

INTRODUCTION

SECTION ONE: HOBOS: Which Haunting Hobo Myths Are Real, Which Are Imagined?

SECTION TWO: BEAVERS: What’s True and What’s a Dam Lie? (Sorry.)

SECTION THREE: HIP HOP: Is Any of These Scenarios Legit?

SECTION FOUR: WEIRDOS: Which of These Were Actually Canadian Prime Ministers?

BONUS ROUND: MASCOTS: Which of These Creations Were Brought to Fruition? Introduction

Is Canada even real? assertions that Santa lives here. It’s a question that is being In an age of Wiki, Google asked with increasing frequency Maps, and #factcheck, how could as those outside our borders the very existence of Canada be become aware of our water- questioned? And yet, how could proof, see-through, mythically a nation built on beaver pelts maple-scented currency and our exist in the same realm as, say, improbably hot prime minister’s Belgium or Niger? In May 2015, the National perfect sense to the common Post (one of three national pa- observer, few would debate its pers located in Canada) ran an existence. article entitled Experts Agree: This book invites you to Canada Is a Real Country. On look past our past and see that the other hand, an ongoing Canada is no longer solely the argument at debate.org address- icons in which we once saw our- es the question, “If you die in selves. Fragments of Canada can Canada, do you die in real life?” be represented by lighthouses, Currently, 79 percent of re- totem poles, and inukshuks, but spondents say “no.” Canada is at its realest in the At first glance, the cultural minutia of our shared memories touchpoints covered in this and culture. book — hobos, beavers, hip This book offers a Petri hop, weirdos, and mascots — dish of our culture for your may seem scattershot. But upon inspection and reflection. It closer consideration, these are examines the factors behind the no less random than a book that twenty-first-century monolithic examines maple leaves, hockey, myth of Canada, a nation that canoes, totem poles, and polar is wise, silly, and real — even if bears. This second collection of only in your imagination. topics likely hangs more close- Is Canada even real? Let’s find ly together in your mind as a out. reflection of Canada. But why? Consider this: if Canada’s true — JC Villamere (rhymes with cultural physiognomies made “spill-a-beer”) 1 the Littlest Hobo: Our German Shepherd Guardian Angel TV star

The year is 1979. Margaret for more than six miraculous Thatcher dramatically wins the years. Pope John Paul II’s trip to British general election, becom- his homeland of Poland sparks ing the first female prime min- a revolution of conscience that ister of Britain. Skylab, NASA’s transforms a nation. first orbiting space station, Meanwhile, in Canada, returns triumphantly to Earth television executives in Toronto after soaring through the stars launch a program that stars a Is Canada Even Real?

German Shepherd that travels this because he wears no tie, no from town to town befriending glasses, has no briefcase. “Just clowns, rescuing ballerinas, and grab a hat, we’ll travel light, foiling gold robbers. that’s hobo style,” sings Bush, a On Thursday, October 11, wistful smile in his voice. But 1979, The Littlest Hobo (French Hobo wears no hat. Not even a title: Le vagabond) premieres on collar. Potentially the least an- CTV. The pilot episode begins, thropomorphized animal to ever as each episode will, with Terry capture the imaginations of both Bush’s urban hymn “Maybe young and old, this dog never Tomorrow.” While most other wears clothes and is known only dramas and comedies are shot on as “Hobo,” or by nicknames be- film,The Littlest Hobo is recorded stowed by his short-term human on hard, cheap, bright videotape, companions. a medium reserved for ephemeral The show’s title appears in (read: disposable) programming. yellow brush-stroke font: The The opening credits are com- LITTLEST HOBO. Say “the”; prised of a modular montage YELL THE REST. that shows us, variously, Hobo We see Hobo leading a cow, trotting down a suburban street, Hobo placing a call, Hobo Hobo running out of the woods, carrying a rifle. He swims in a Hobo in the passenger seat of a lake, his ears smoothed against convertible. He does not look his nape. He is always moving, glamorous, even in a convert- always onward. Hobo runs out ible. He is all business. But he of the woods, tongue out, pant- is not a business dog. We know ing as he serves the scene. The

6 The Littlest Hobo: Our German Shepherd Guardian Angel TV star credit’s title card reads, “Starring slow, halting. There are no subtle LONDON.” (Yell it!) nuances. There are broad actions A rainbow-bright hot-air and sharp transitions. There is no balloon sits in the air. Is Hobo budget for suspense. aboard? Wait, Hobo is swimming As the episode continues, a across a stream now; he emerges local storekeeper aims to keep the onto a rocky outcrop and shakes forest’s fire-ravaged animals at bay the water from his coat. Droplets by setting a trap of raw hamburger of water arc out in all directions. laced with rat poison outside his It is a dramatic visual. It is the shop, but it’s eaten by a toddler. most dramatic visual you will see First of all, I hope viewers made for the duration of the program. note that CTV was the destination A dog shaking water off himself. on Thursday evenings for watch- Hold on to that. Hold dearly to ing wee ones eat raw meat, but that sense of wonder, that action. secondly, and most importantly, Hobo’s origins, motivation, Where were you on that one, Hobo? and ultimate destination are In an attempt to save the never explained over the course child, Ranger Caldwell and Hobo of the series. In this capacity, he is set off by plane to fetch a doctor the perfect metaphor for Canada. and the antidote, but a thunder- In the opening scene of the storm prevents Caldwell from pilot episode of The Littlest Hobo, landing the plane back home, our altruistic Alsatian befriends leading to this tense exchange: forest ranger Ray Caldwell and rescues a pair of wildcat cubs from Caldwell: Of all the rough luck. a forest fire. But the scene is soft, I can’t even see the airstrip.

7 Is Canada Even Real?

The Doctor: What can we do? it may prove to be a generous Caldwell: The only other source of income for you or any- place is about ten miles one else capable of penning such out. We might make it prose — say, your nine-year-old there but there wouldn’t tabby or your great aunt with be any kind of vehicle to the acquired brain injury. With go the rest of the way. characteristic Canadian humil- The Doctor: The child needs ity, even those behind the scenes an antidote in a hurry. acknowledged that aspects of the Caldwell: Doc, can you fly a show were lacking. “Sometimes plane? the stories, quite honestly, may The Doctor: Goodness, no, fall flat,” producer Barrie Dieh no, I’ve only been up a few times in my life. Why? Caldwell: There’s a parachute in the rear. You could land it and I could jump with the antidote. The Doctor: Sorry.1

You’re likely now considering that scriptwriting might be a much, much easier venture than you’d previously imagined, and

1 “Smoke,” The Littlest Hobo, CTV Television, 1979.

8 The Littlest Hobo: Our German Shepherd Guardian Angel TV star could be considered told Star the clinic and the attendant im- Week in1985. “It unexciting.… mediately goes for his neck pack. The A-Team is exciting. They Obviously, this dog is here with shoot guns.” the cure. A perfunctory “good Returning to the show, we dog” is issued. The toddler is see that, naturally, Caldwell and saved. Now, Hobo rests. the doctor take the only reason- Only one question remains: able course of action under the How is this even a real show? Oh, circumstances: they strap a para- and also, all these other questions: chute to the stray and hurl it out of the plane in a storm. “You know, I could swear 1. Which of these Canadian you’ve done this before,” celebrities guest-starred on The Littlest Hobo? Caldwell says to a dog with a a) Super Dave Osborne cure for poisoning attached to his b) Mike Myers collar and a parachute strapped c) David Suzuki to his back. Our four-legged hero d) Leslie Nielsen hops out of the plane as the ran- ger whispers, “Good luck.” The chute deploys and Hobo 2. How many episodes of The comes to a reasonably graceless Littlest Hobo were produced landing in a field. He sprints by CTV? through a forest and across a creek. a) 50 We see the toddler’s anxious b) 67 parents waiting in a medical c) 18 clinic. Then Hobo walks into d) 114

9 Is Canada Even Real?

Tommy and rescues his pet 3. What happens in the final lamb from slaughter episode of the series? b) Le Vagabond, a Quebecois a) Hobo finds an fairy tale that also features undetonated Second a man who believes World War bomb himself to be a horse b) a gambler plans to sabotage c) an acid-fuelled fever a lumberjack contest dream endured by c) a criminal tries to sell a television producer Dorrell stolen secret laser McGowan d) Hobo is mistaken for a d) the 1978 Incredible Hulk sheep-killing wolf TV series, which sees a widowed traveller help

4. Reruns of The Littlest Hobo others in need despite his ran on national networks terrible secret until: a) the ’80s b) the ’90s 6. London, the dog who plays c) the ’00s Hobo, co-starred with Prince d) the ’10s in which film? a) Purple Rain b) Under the Cherry Moon 5. The program is based on: c) Graffiti Bridge a) a 1958 Hollywood movie d) The Sacrifice of Victor about a stray dog that befriends a boy named

10 The Littlest Hobo: Our German Shepherd Guardian Angel TV star

Answers

1. Which of these Canadian celebrities guest-starred on The Littlest Hobo?

Answer: d) Leslie Nielsen

You get a full mark for Leslie Nielsen, the Regina-born actor who gained cred as a dramatic actor in movies like Forbidden Planet and The Poseidon Adventure before coming into his own as one of film’s finest Regina’s Leslie Nielsen of Littlest Hobo fame chills on an Airplane! deadpan comedians in sublimely absurd films likeAirplane! and the Naked Gun franchise. Award yourself a half-point if Nielson played it straight as you answered Mike Myers. The Mayor Chester Montgomery in Scarborough super-hoser never season 1, episode 19, “Romiet officially guest-starred onThe and Julio,” which originally aired Littlest Hobo, but he did have a March 20, 1980, and tells the story cameo in season 1, episode 10, of Hobo saving the fate of star- “Boy on Wheels,” in which Hobo crossed love. helps a paraplegic boy enter a

11 Is Canada Even Real?

Frisbee contest, much to the environmental activist, and chagrin of the boy’s dad, who has national treasure. Since 1979, hated dogs ever since he swerved he’s hosted the CBC science his car to avoid a stray and program The Nature of Things, instead crashed, killing his wife which is seen in more than forty and maiming his son (another countries. Surely he’s too urbane typical Hobo plot of light fare the to appear in the unsophisticated whole family can enjoy). Myers canine caper that is The Littlest plays the boy’s buddy, Tommy. Hobo. Instead, he guest-starred The credited guest star for this on The Beachcombers in the episode is Clarence Williams III, 1981 “Tray Tree” episode, play- best known as the Mod Squad ing himself. cop with the sweet afro. Although Bob Einstein’s luckless stuntman character Super 2. How many episodes of The Dave got his start on CTV’s early Littlest Hobo were produced ’80s sketch comedy show Bizarre by CTV? and parlayed his popularity into the Global TV series The Super Answer: d) 114 Dave Osborne Show (1987–92), CTV shot a whopping 114 epi- Einstein isn’t even Canadian — sodes, with plots that ranged from he was born in Los Angeles. This Hobo befriending a vaudevillian interloper has never appeared on kleptomaniac to Hobo finding a The Littlest Hobo. truckload(!) of diamonds to Hobo David Suzuki is a Canadian helping a farmer and his mute academic, science broadcaster,

12 The Littlest Hobo: Our German Shepherd Guardian Angel TV star daughter break free of a blackmail scheme that forces them to con- 4. Reruns of The Littlest Hobo ran on national networks duct fake séances. Classic. until:

Answer: d) the ’10s 3. What happens in the final episode of the series? The series aired on CTV on Thursday nights at 7:30 p.m. from Answer: a) Hobo finds an un- detonated Second World War 1979 to 1985. Reruns continued bomb on CTV, CTV Two, and other national networks up until the Hobo finds the undetonat- early 2010s. Many episodes can ed bomb in the final episode, now be viewed in their entirety on “Pandora,” which aired March 7, YouTube. 1985. I won’t reveal how the epi- sode is resolved, but it was Hobo’s last adventure. David Glyn-Jones 5. The program is based on: guest-starred. “The theatre is a savage mistress,” he has said. “She Answer: a) a 1958 Hollywood dangles great joys before you, then movie about a stray dog that befriends a boy named Tommy frequently snatches them away and rescues his pet lamb from before you can satisfy yourself.” slaughter Revelatory words from a man who also guest-starred on The The Littlest Hobo is based on the Beachcombers. Twice. 1958 movie of the same name. The film stars a sixteen-year-old

13 Is Canada Even Real?

did not choose to return to his roots with a guest appearance on The Littlest Hobo; instead, he branched out and worked on stunts in over a hundred movies, including The Outsiders, Scarface, The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Grindhouse, and Django Unchained. In retrospect, he sounds like the kind of guy who should have been able to protect his own pet lamb. The Littlest Hobowas first adapted for the small screen in the 1960s. The initial series was shot in West Vancouver and The Littlest Hobo hangs on set with other locales around British his lamb co-star. Columbia and aired from 1963 to 1965 in black-and-white on Buddy Joe Hooker as Tommy. CTV. It was billed at a slick Hooker went on to become a action show and marketed to Hollywood actor who guest- adults. The show’s 1979 revival starred on shows including Leave was sometimes referred to as The It to Beaver, Charlie’s Angels, New Littlest Hobo. Magnum, P.I., Columbo, and Chuck Eisenmann was the Baywatch. In his ’80s heyday he talented, gentle dog trainer

14 The Littlest Hobo: Our German Shepherd Guardian Angel TV star who owned the stars of all three and Ottawa Giants in the early incarnations. The top star was ’50s, so let’s claim some of his London, but his relatives Toro, warm personality as our own Litlon, and Thorn also played doing, shall we? scenes as the Hobo. On his philosophy of dog training, Eisenmann has said, “A dog 6. London, the dog who plays thinks just as a human does, Hobo, co-starred with Prince and if you treat him as a stupid in which film? animal eventually he will act that way. That’s why I act Answer: c) Graffiti Bridge positive around my dogs and treat them as friends.” Sounds I know. You’re disappointed it very friendly and Canadian, wasn’t Purple Rain. Take heart doesn’t it? Eisenmann was born though: Graffiti Bridge, Prince’s in Roseburg, Oregon, but his 1990 critical and commercial baseball career landed him stints musical disaster, was the sequel to with the Vancouver Capilanos Purple Rain.

15 Oh hi there,

Thanks so much for reading the 150 years since Canada all the way to the end! But became a thing. I hope it you know what? That’s just makes you feel like part of the beginning. There are 19 something, because you are. more chapters in Is Canada I hope you’ll share it with Even Real? and each delivers a friends and say “Remember delightfully unreal story that when…” I hope you’ll share it will beckon you to more fully with students and say “What embody your inner hoser. if…” I hope you’ll share it Why resist? Hoserdom is with colleagues and say “Why what you make it — just like not…” I hope you’ll share Canada itself. So let’s strive to it with your parents and say put what we have in common “See? This is Drake.” ahead of what makes us Most of all, I hope you different, just for the sake of enjoyed Chapter One. Do this absurd experiment in you remember The Littest nationhood. Hobo? So do I! Now we have This book is designed to something in common. Let’s be an experience in finding build on that. And when common ground across things get heady and touchy generations, across languages, and heated? We’ll go back to across geography, across that foundation, to what we have in common, from The freelancers, editors, reporters, Littlest Hobo and beyond. journalists, TV hosts, and all And that ‘beyond’ is manner of press peeps. I’m available for pre-order now. generally just jazzed to be Take a moment now to pre- here and not because Canada order your copy of Is Canada is perfect, but because if we Even Real? really get together, we can Hey — can you help me somehow make it more so. spread the word about this? Let’s be more than the sum This country’s really big and of our parts. Let’s be totally I’m not that loud a yeller. You unreal together. probably know a few folks who could use a story, a gift, a laugh, or a little surprise in their mailbox. Please send them this chapter with my regards. And if you really want them to like you, you should pre-order a book for them, too. That would be the hoser-ly thing to do, eh? You know what else? I’m totally available to speak at your event, conference, meeting, book club, school, gallery, Canada 150 celebration and more. I give bright and sparkly interviews to podcasters, bloggers, Pre-order now on Indigo.ca

Pre-order now on Amazon.ca 2016-12-08 11:39 AM

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