UNCORRECTED PROOF — NOT FOR SALE This proof may not be quoted for publication Contents INTRODUCTION SECTION ONE: HOBOS: Which Haunting Hobo Myths Are Real, Which Are Imagined? SECTION TWO: BEAVERS: What’s True and What’s a Dam Lie? (Sorry.) SECTION THREE: HIP HOP: Is Any of These Scenarios Legit? SECTION FOUR: WEIRDOS: Which of These Were Actually Canadian Prime Ministers? BONUS ROUND: MASCOTS: Which of These Creations Were Brought to Fruition? Introduction Is Canada even real? assertions that Santa lives here. It’s a question that is being In an age of Wiki, Google asked with increasing frequency Maps, and #factcheck, how could as those outside our borders the very existence of Canada be become aware of our water- questioned? And yet, how could proof, see-through, mythically a nation built on beaver pelts maple-scented currency and our exist in the same realm as, say, improbably hot prime minister’s Belgium or Niger? In May 2015, the National perfect sense to the common Post (one of three national pa- observer, few would debate its pers located in Canada) ran an existence. article entitled Experts Agree: This book invites you to Canada Is a Real Country. On look past our past and see that the other hand, an ongoing Canada is no longer solely the argument at debate.org address- icons in which we once saw our- es the question, “If you die in selves. Fragments of Canada can Canada, do you die in real life?” be represented by lighthouses, Currently, 79 percent of re- totem poles, and inukshuks, but spondents say “no.” Canada is at its realest in the At first glance, the cultural minutia of our shared memories touchpoints covered in this and culture. book — hobos, beavers, hip This book offers a Petri hop, weirdos, and mascots — dish of our culture for your may seem scattershot. But upon inspection and reflection. It closer consideration, these are examines the factors behind the no less random than a book that twenty-first-century monolithic examines maple leaves, hockey, myth of Canada, a nation that canoes, totem poles, and polar is wise, silly, and real — even if bears. This second collection of only in your imagination. topics likely hangs more close- Is Canada even real? Let’s find ly together in your mind as a out. reflection of Canada. But why? Consider this: if Canada’s true — JC Villamere (rhymes with cultural physiognomies made “spill-a-beer”) 1 the Littlest Hobo: Our German Shepherd Guardian Angel TV star The year is 1979. Margaret for more than six miraculous Thatcher dramatically wins the years. Pope John Paul II’s trip to British general election, becom- his homeland of Poland sparks ing the first female prime min- a revolution of conscience that ister of Britain. Skylab, NASA’s transforms a nation. first orbiting space station, Meanwhile, in Canada, returns triumphantly to Earth television executives in Toronto after soaring through the stars launch a program that stars a Is Canada Even Real? German Shepherd that travels this because he wears no tie, no from town to town befriending glasses, has no briefcase. “Just clowns, rescuing ballerinas, and grab a hat, we’ll travel light, foiling gold robbers. that’s hobo style,” sings Bush, a On Thursday, October 11, wistful smile in his voice. But 1979, The Littlest Hobo (French Hobo wears no hat. Not even a title: Le vagabond) premieres on collar. Potentially the least an- CTV. The pilot episode begins, thropomorphized animal to ever as each episode will, with Terry capture the imaginations of both Bush’s urban hymn “Maybe young and old, this dog never Tomorrow.” While most other wears clothes and is known only dramas and comedies are shot on as “Hobo,” or by nicknames be- film, The Littlest Hobo is recorded stowed by his short-term human on hard, cheap, bright videotape, companions. a medium reserved for ephemeral The show’s title appears in (read: disposable) programming. yellow brush-stroke font: The The opening credits are com- LITTLEST HOBO. Say “the”; prised of a modular montage YELL THE REST. that shows us, variously, Hobo We see Hobo leading a cow, trotting down a suburban street, Hobo placing a call, Hobo Hobo running out of the woods, carrying a rifle. He swims in a Hobo in the passenger seat of a lake, his ears smoothed against convertible. He does not look his nape. He is always moving, glamorous, even in a convert- always onward. Hobo runs out ible. He is all business. But he of the woods, tongue out, pant- is not a business dog. We know ing as he serves the scene. The 6 The Littlest Hobo: Our German Shepherd Guardian Angel TV star credit’s title card reads, “Starring slow, halting. There are no subtle LONDON.” (Yell it!) nuances. There are broad actions A rainbow-bright hot-air and sharp transitions. There is no balloon sits in the air. Is Hobo budget for suspense. aboard? Wait, Hobo is swimming As the episode continues, a across a stream now; he emerges local storekeeper aims to keep the onto a rocky outcrop and shakes forest’s fire-ravaged animals at bay the water from his coat. Droplets by setting a trap of raw hamburger of water arc out in all directions. laced with rat poison outside his It is a dramatic visual. It is the shop, but it’s eaten by a toddler. most dramatic visual you will see First of all, I hope viewers made for the duration of the program. note that CTV was the destination A dog shaking water off himself. on Thursday evenings for watch- Hold on to that. Hold dearly to ing wee ones eat raw meat, but that sense of wonder, that action. secondly, and most importantly, Hobo’s origins, motivation, Where were you on that one, Hobo? and ultimate destination are In an attempt to save the never explained over the course child, Ranger Caldwell and Hobo of the series. In this capacity, he is set off by plane to fetch a doctor the perfect metaphor for Canada. and the antidote, but a thunder- In the opening scene of the storm prevents Caldwell from pilot episode of The Littlest Hobo, landing the plane back home, our altruistic Alsatian befriends leading to this tense exchange: forest ranger Ray Caldwell and rescues a pair of wildcat cubs from Caldwell: Of all the rough luck. a forest fire. But the scene is soft, I can’t even see the airstrip. 7 Is Canada Even Real? The Doctor: What can we do? it may prove to be a generous Caldwell: The only other source of income for you or any- place is about ten miles one else capable of penning such out. We might make it prose — say, your nine-year-old there but there wouldn’t tabby or your great aunt with be any kind of vehicle to the acquired brain injury. With go the rest of the way. characteristic Canadian humil- The Doctor: The child needs ity, even those behind the scenes an antidote in a hurry. acknowledged that aspects of the Caldwell: Doc, can you fly a show were lacking. “Sometimes plane? the stories, quite honestly, may The Doctor: Goodness, no, fall flat,” producer Barrie Dieh no, I’ve only been up a few times in my life. Why? Caldwell: There’s a parachute in the rear. You could land it and I could jump with the antidote. The Doctor: Sorry.1 You’re likely now considering that scriptwriting might be a much, much easier venture than you’d previously imagined, and 1 “Smoke,” The Littlest Hobo, CTV Television, 1979. 8 The Littlest Hobo: Our German Shepherd Guardian Angel TV star could be considered told Star the clinic and the attendant im- Week in1985. “It unexciting.… mediately goes for his neck pack. The A-Team is exciting. They Obviously, this dog is here with shoot guns.” the cure. A perfunctory “good Returning to the show, we dog” is issued. The toddler is see that, naturally, Caldwell and saved. Now, Hobo rests. the doctor take the only reason- Only one question remains: able course of action under the How is this even a real show? Oh, circumstances: they strap a para- and also, all these other questions: chute to the stray and hurl it out of the plane in a storm. “You know, I could swear 1. Which of these Canadian you’ve done this before,” celebrities guest-starred on The Littlest Hobo? Caldwell says to a dog with a a) Super Dave Osborne cure for poisoning attached to his b) Mike Myers collar and a parachute strapped c) David Suzuki to his back. Our four-legged hero d) Leslie Nielsen hops out of the plane as the ran- ger whispers, “Good luck.” The chute deploys and Hobo 2. How many episodes of The comes to a reasonably graceless Littlest Hobo were produced landing in a field. He sprints by CTV? through a forest and across a creek. a) 50 We see the toddler’s anxious b) 67 parents waiting in a medical c) 18 clinic. Then Hobo walks into d) 114 9 Is Canada Even Real? Tommy and rescues his pet 3. What happens in the final lamb from slaughter episode of the series? b) Le Vagabond, a Quebecois a) Hobo finds an fairy tale that also features undetonated Second a man who believes World War bomb himself to be a horse b) a gambler plans to sabotage c) an acid-fuelled fever a lumberjack contest dream endured by c) a criminal tries to sell a television producer Dorrell stolen secret laser McGowan d) Hobo is mistaken for a d) the 1978 Incredible Hulk sheep-killing wolf TV series, which sees a widowed traveller help 4.