Rocky Horror Picture Show 1

OPENING SONG A LONG, LONG TIME AGO, IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY, GOD SAID LET THER BE LIPS, AND THERE WERE LIPS, AND THEY WERE GOOD…Michael Rennie was ill, the Day the Earth Stood Still, but he told us where we stand. ON OUR HEAD! And Flash Gordon was there in EDIBLE underwear, Claude Rains was the Invisible Man. SHIT, I MISSED HIM. Then something went wrong FOR WHO? For Fay Wray and King Kong; WHAT HAPPENED? They got caught in a celluloid jam. YEA JAM! Then at a deadly pace it came ON JANET’S FACE! And this is how the message ran: FREEZE! CHORUS: Science fiction, OO-OO-OO double feature BOW-WOW-WOW, Doctor X FUCK N. FURTER will build a creature. See androids fighting AND FUCKING, AND SUCKING ON Brad and Janet. Anne Francis stars in WHERE Forbidden Planet OH OH OH OH OH At the late night, double feature, picture show. I knew Leo G. Carrol WAS FUCKING A BARREL, when tarantula took to the hills. LICK THOSE LIPS! And I really got hot WHEN I SAW JANET’S TWAT, fight a triffid that spits poison and kills. WHAT THE FUCK IS A TRIFFID? Dana Andrews said Prunes YEA PRUNES! gave him the runes GAVE HIM THE SHITS! YEA SHITS! And passing them used lots of skills. SEX KILLS! But When Worlds Collide, BOOM (Clap in unison) Said George Powell to his bride, "I’M GONNA GIVE YOU SOME JOINTS AND SOME PILLS” Like a...FUCK! CHORUS: Science fiction, OO-OO-OO double feature BOW-WOW-WOW, Doctor X SEX, SEX, SEX will build a creature. See androids fighting AND FUCKING, AND SUCKING ON Brad and Janet. Anne Francis stars in WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE Forbidden Planet OH OH OH OH OH At the late night, double feature, picture show. I wanna go, Oh Oh Oh, To the late night double feature picture show, By RKO, RK WHO? Oh Oh Oh, to the late night double feature WHERE’S THE BEST PLACE TO FUCK? In the back row, FUCK THE BACK ROW! Oh Oh Oh, To the late night, double feature, picture show! WEDDING SCENE (BLOW YOUR BUBBLES) PHOTO: Here they come! ALL OVER THE CHURCH? THAT’S DISGUSTING! Smile nicely. Parents and the grandparents, yes all the close family. Smile…oh, that’s beautiful. And..smile. RALPH: Hey Terrific! PHOTO: Congratulations! RALPH: Well, I guess we finally did it, huh. HIT HIM! HIT HIM BACK! BRAD: I don't think there's any doubt about that. You and Betty have been almost inseparable since you met in Dr. Scott's refresher course. THEY USED SUPER GLUE AS A CONTRACEPTIVE! RALPH: Well to tell you the truth, Brad, that's the only reason I FUCKED HER in the first place. I mean… BETTY: O.K. guys, this is it. You ready? RALPH: Looks like Betty's going to throw the bouquet. WHO’S GOT THE CLAP! Rocky Horror Picture Show 2

JANET: I got it! I got it! HOW WAS IT? RALPH: Hey big fella HOW WOULD YOU KNOW? looks like it could be your turn next, eh? BRAD: CARE FOR A REACH AROUND? Who knows. THE SHADOW KNOW! RALPH: Well, so long, see you Brad. SEE YA, SUCKER Guess we better get get going now, Betty, come on, hop in. SHE GOT HERS NOW HE’LL GET HIS! YEA, GET HIS! JANET: Oh Brad, wasn't it wonderful? NO! Didn’t Betty look radiantly beautiful? NO! Oh, I can't believe that an hour ago she was just plain old Betty DILDO and now... now she's Mrs. RALPH DISPSHIT. BRAD: Yes Janet, Ralph is a lucky guy. LUCKY HELL, BETTY’S GOT EH CLAP! JANET: Yes. LADY: I always cry at weddings. AND LAUGH AT FUNERALS.….LOOK AT THE ANGEL HOLDING IT’S DICK! BRAD: Why everyone knows that Betty is a wonderful little cook. AND A GREAT FUCK!...WHAT THE FUCKS A BILLBOARD DOING IN A CEMETERY? JANET: Yes. BRAD: Why Ralph himself, he'll be up for a promotion in a year or two. IF HE DOESN’T GET BUSTED FIRST! JANET: Yes. BRAD: Hey Janet. SIT ON MY FACE AND WIGGLE! JANET: Yes Brad? OH SHIT! BRAD: I've got something to say. SAY IT, ASSHOLE. JANET: Uh huh. BRAD: I really love the... STARTS WITH AND S!...SKU!...SKU!...SKULL FUCKING! skiillful way...you beat the other girls... WITH THE WHIPS AND CHAINS to the bride's bouquet.HAVE AN ORGASM BITCH! SING IT ASSHOLE! JANET: Oh Brad. BRAD: The river was deep AND I DROWNED. JANET. The future is ours so let's plan it. JANET. So please, don't tell me to can it. JANET. I've one thing to say and that's DAMMIT, JANET ! LET’S GO SCREW! The road was long but I ran it. JANET. There's a fire in my heart and you fan it. JANET. If there's one fool for you then I am it. JANET. I've one thing to say and that's ONLY ASSHOLE WRITE ON CHURCHES! Dammit, Janet I WANNA SCREW! Here's a ring to prove THAT I’M AN ASSHOLE. There's three ways that love can grow. SEX, DRUGS, AND ROCK-N-ROLL! That's GAY, STRAIT OR BISEXUAL. Oh, J- A-N-E-T I WANT A BLOW! Rocky Horror Picture Show 3

JANET: Oh, it's nicer than Betty Monroe had. OH BRAD! Now we're engaged and I'm so glad OH BRAD! That you FUCKED MOM AND YOU BLOW DAD. OH BRAD! I've one thing to say and that's Brad, I'm mad, for A SCREW Oh Brad... BRAD: OH…SHIT. JANET: I'm PREGNANT! BRAD: OH SHIT! JANET: For you. BRAD: I WANT TO SCREW. B&J: There's one thing left to do – THAT’S SCREW BRAD: And that's GO SEE THE MAN WHO PICKS HIS NOSE! JANET. When we met in his science exam - it JANET. Made me GIVE YOU THE FINGER AND THEN RAM IT! JANET. Now I've one thing to say and that's DAMMIT, JANET! LET’S GO SCREW! ASSHOLE SHUFFLE. ONE, TWO, FUCK YOU! JANET: Oh Brad, YOU FAG! BRAD: DAMMIT, JANET! LET’S GO SCREW! I love you. SPLIT THE CROSS PLEASE. THANK YOU! CRIMINOLOGIST – 1 THE NEXT MAN YOU’RE ABOUT TO SEE HAS NO FUCKING NECK. NOT JUST NO- NECK, BUT NO-FUCKING NECK. WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU LIKE, YHOU FUCKING NO-NECK BASTARD? CRIM: I would like, OH, YOU WOULD, WOULD YOU? if I may, YOU MAY NOT! ...to take you WHERE? on a strange journey. HOW STRANGE WAS IT? IT WAS SO STRANGE THEY WROTE A MOVIE ABOUT IT. NOT THE BOOK! THE MOVIE! THREE PAGES TO ASSHOLW, TWO PAGES TO ASSHOLE, ONE PAGE TO ASSHOLE, ASSHOLE! AND A STATEMENT TO PROVE IT! SLUTE AND A STATEMENT TO PROVE IT! It seemed a fairly ordinary ORDINARY? night when Brad Majors ASSHOLE and his fiancee Janet Weiss SLUT, two young, normal, healthy kids, left Denton that late November evening, IT WAS AUGUST! to visit a Dr. Everett Scott, KISS ASS! AND A STATEMENT TO PROVE IT! ex-tutor, and now friend to both of them. IS IT TRUE YOU MASTURBATE? It’s true there were dark storm clouds. DESCRIBE YOUR BALLS. Heavy, black, and pendulous, towards which they were driving. IS IT ALSO TRUE YOUR BISEXUAL? It's true, also, that the spare tire they were carrying was badly in need of some air LIKE YOUR NECK. OH, WAIT A MINUTE. HE’S GONNA’ GET A NECK! HERE IT COMES. THERE IT IS! YEA!, but, uh, they being normal kids, on a night out, well, they weren't going to let a storm spoil the rest their evening, were they? ...On a night out A WHAT?...it was a night out they were going to remember... FOR HOW LONG? for a very long time.

Rocky Horror Picture Show 4

CAR SCENE BATMAN THEME – NAH-NAH-NAH-NAH-BATMAN! NIXON: I have never been a quitter. To leave office before my term is completed is abhorrent to every instinct in my body. But as President, I must put the interests of America first. American needs a full time President NOT A PART TIME CROOK! And a full time Congress, particularly at the time… JANET: Gosh, that's the third motorcycle that's passed us. NO IT’S THE FIRST, SLUTS CANT’ COUNT… weather and all. BRAD: Yes, Janet, life's pretty cheap to that type. YEA THAT TYPE! JANET: What's the matter, Brad darling? HE CAME ON THE WINDSHIELD, HE’S WIPING IT OFF. BRAD: Hmmm, we must’ve taken the wrong fork a few miles back. SHOULD’VE TRIED THE SPOON JANET: But where did that motorcyclist come from? HUMM THEME FROM TWIGLIGHT ZONE BRAD: Well I guess we'll just have to turn back. JANET: What was that bang? A GANG BANG! BRAD: We must have a blowout. DAMMIT! –CLAP WITH BRAD SLAPPIN SEAT. I knew I should have gotten that spare tire fixed. ASSHOLE! Well, you just stay here keep warm and I'll go for help. JANET: Where will you go in the middle of nowhere? WHAT’S WHITE AND SELLS HAMBURGERS? BRAD: Didn't we pass a castle back down the road a few miles? CHEER – USE NOISEMAKERS. Maybe they have a telephone we could use. OR A TRANSVESTITE. JANET: I'm going with you. BRAD: Oh darling, there's no sense in both of us getting wet. JANET: I'm coming with you! THAT’LL BE A FIRST! Besides darling, the owner of that phone might be a beautiful woman, HE IS! and you might never come back again. YOU SHOULD BE SO LUCKY. BRAD: Heh, heh, heh, heh. KICK THAT TIRE LIKE A REAL MAN WOULD, BRAD! SQUIRT YOUR NEIGHBORS WITH WATER RAIN SCENE (USE YOUR WATER GUNS NOW AND COVER YOU HEADS WITH NEWSPAPER) JANET: In the velvet darkness, Of the blackest night, WHAT’S UP YOU’RE ASS? Burning bright, there's a guiding star. SHIT! THAT MUST HURT! No matter what WHEN, WHERE, WHY, AND HOW or who you are. WHAT’S IN YOUR REFRIGERATOR? Rocky Horror Picture Show 5

B&J: There's a light..-WAVE GLOW STICK Over at the EPCOTT CENTER. There's a light, WHERE DO YOU KEEP YOU COPY OF TWILIGHT Burning in the fireplace. There's a light, light in the darkness...HIDE GLOWSITCK – DARKNESS! of everybody's life. ONE…TWO…THREE…SING TO US O- HAIRLESS-ONE! RIFF: The darkness must go CLOSE UP down the river of night's dreaming. DAMN! NOT THAT CLOSE! Flow morphia slow, let the sun and light come streaming LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, FOR ONE NIGHT AND ONE NIGHT ONLY, IT’S THE INCRDIBLE SHIRINKING MAN! Into my life. RIFF! LOOK OUT FOR THE INDOOR LIGHTING MACHINE! Into my life... B&J: There's a light..-WAVE GLOW STICK Over at the EPCOTT CENTER. There's a light... WHERE DO YOU KEEP YOUR JUSTIN BEIBER CD Burning in the fireplace. There's a light, a light HIDE GLOWSITCK – DARKNESS! ASSHOLE..of everybody's life. CRIMINOLOGIST – 2 HEY! WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE? THANK YOU! CRIM: And so SEW WHAT, it seemed SEAMS! WHAT DO YOU THINK? that fortune had smiled on Brad and Janet and that they had found the assistance that their plight required. ARE YOU SURE! ...Or had they? NYACK. NYACK, NYACK. THE CASTLE JANET: Brad, let's go back, I'm cold and frightened...WHY DOES JANET HAVE A CONDOM IN HER ? BRAD: Just a moment Janet, they might have a phone. DING DONG, ASSHOLE CALLING, SLUT FOR SALE CHEAP! SAY HELLO RIFF! RIFF: Hello. HEY BRAD, ARE YOU DRUNK OR HIGHT? BRAD: Hi! My name is Brad Majors ASSHOLE, and this is my fiancee, Janet Weiss SLUT. I wonder if you could help us. You see, our car broke down a few miles up the road... do you have a phone we might use? OR A TRANSVESTITE. LOOK BETWEEN JANET’S LEGS! RIFF: You're wet. NO SHIT SHERLOCK! JANET: Yes - it's raining. NO SHIT SHIRLEY! BRAD: Yes. DO YOU FUCK YOUR SISTER? RIFF: Yes... GET PARANOID RIFF..I think perhaps you better both FUCK OFF! come inside. WE DON’T CARE WHER YOU CUM AS LONG AS YOU CLEAN IT UP! HEY JANET! WHAT’S ONE KIND PLUS ONE KIND? JANET: You're too kind. SHE’S ALL KINDS! Oh Brad, I'm frightened. What kind of a place is this? BRAD: Oh, it's probably some kind of hunting lodge for rich weirdos. YEA, RICH WEIRDOS! WHICH WAY? Rocky Horror Picture Show 6

RIFF: This way.FOLLOW THE BOUNCING THUMB! DAH-DUM, DAH-DUM! JANET: Are you having a party? NO, IT’S MY SITER’S BAT MITZVAH! RIFF: You've arrived on a very special night. WHICH ONE? It's one of the master's affairs. SIXTY NINE. JANET: Oh lucky him. MAGENTA: You're lucky, He's lucky, I'm lucky, THE BANISTER’S LUCKY! THE TIME WARP HEY RIFFY, SHOW US MICHAEL JACKSON. RIFF: It's astounding time is fleeting, madness takes its toll. But listen closely...FOR HOW LONG? MAGENTA: Not for very much longer. HOW MANY BALLS DO YOU HAVE? RIFF: I've got TO SMOKE A BOWL. LOSE IT! I remember doing the time-warp ONE, TWO. Drinking those moments when the darkness would hit me MAGENTA: And a void would be calling...TIME WARPERS! TRANS: Let's do the time-warp again. Let's do the time-warp again. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU DO THIS THING? CRIM: It's just a jump to the left. TRANS: And then a step to the right. CRIM: With your hands on your hips. OR SOMEBODY ELSE’S! ALL: You bring your knees in tight, but it's the pelvic thrust GROUP SEX! GROUP SEX! GROUP SEX! that really drives you insane. Let's do the time-warp again. Let's do the time-warp again. MAGENTA: It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me, so you can't see me, DO YOU DOUCHE? no, not at all. WHERE DO YOU DOUCHE? In another dimension, HOW DO YOU DOUCHE? with voyeuristic intention. WHERE ARE YOUR TITS? Well secluded, WHAT DO YOU SEE? I see all. RIFF: With a bit of a mind FUCK MAGENTA: You're into the time slip. FUCK THAT BIRD! RIFF: And nothing can ever be the same. MAGENTA: You're spaced out on sensation. WHAT’S THE AUDIENCE? RIFF: Like you're under sedation. ALL: Let's do the time-warp again. Let's do the time-warp again. COLUMBIA: Well I was walking down the street just having a think, when this snake of a guy gave me an evil wink. He shook me up, he took me by surprise, he had a pickup truck, AND A DICK THIS SIZE! He stared at me and I felt a change, time meant nothing, never would again. ALL: Let's do the time-warp again. Let's do the time-warp again. Rocky Horror Picture Show 7

CRIM: It's just a jump to the left. ALL: And then a step to the right. CRIM: With your hands on your hips. OR SOMEBODY ELSE’S! ALL: You bring your knees in tight, but it's the pelvic thrust, that really drives you insane. Let's do the time-warp again. Let's do the time-warp again. COLUMBIA’S TAP DANCE 2-4-6-8 SHOW US HOW YOU MASTURBATE! 3-5-7-9 YOU KNOW SHE DOES IT ALL THE TIME! Let's do the time-warp again. Let's do the time-warp again. GET THE FUCK OFF THE DESK! CRIM: It's just a jump to the left. ALL: And then a step to the right. CRIM: With your hands on your hips. OR SOMEBODY ELSE’S! ALL: You bring your knees in tight, but it's the pelvic thrust GROUP SEX! GROUP SEX! GROUP SEX! that really drives you insane. Let's do the time-warp again. Let's do the time-warp again. SAY SOMETHING STUPID, BRAD! JANET: Brad, say something. BRAD: Say, THAT’S NOT STUPID do any of you guys know how to Madison? NOW THAT’S STUPID. JANET: Brad, please, let's get out of here. BRAD TELL JANET HOW TO GET OFF! BRAD: For God's sake keep a grip on yourself Janet –CLAP TO BEAT – THOSE STANDING, REMAIN STANDING, THOSE OF YOU SITTING, STAND UP! JANET: But it... it seems so unhealthy here. BRAD: It's just a party, Janet. JANET: Well - I want to go. BRAD: Well we can't go anywhere until I get to a phone. JANET: Well then ask the butler or someone. BRAD: Just a moment, Janet - we don't want to interfere with their celebration. JANET: This isn't the Junior Chamber of Commerce, Brad. BRAD: They're probably foreigners with ways different than our own. They may do some more FUCK dancing. JANET: Look, I'm cold, I'm wet, YOUR ALWAYS COLD AND WET and I'm just plain scared. BRAD: I'm here - there's nothing to worry about –SCREAM – STAND ON CHAIRS – KEEP CLAPPING

Rocky Horror Picture Show 8

SWEET TRANSVESTITE FRANK: Frank: How do you do, I see you've met my, faithful HAND JOB MAN. He's just a little brought down, because when you knocked, he thought you were the candy man. Don't get strung out ON COCAINE! by the way I look. SAME THING Don't judge a book by its cover. I'm not much of a man by the light of day, but by night I'm one SICK MOTHERFUCKER. –SCREAM- FAIN, FINALLY SIT DOWN, SOTP CLAPPING. I'm just a , from Transsexual, Transylvania. Let me show you around, maybe play you a sound. You look like you're both pretty groovy. NOT! Or if you want something visual, that's not too abysmal, we could take in an old KEANU REEVES’ movie. BRAD: I'm glad we caught you at home. Could we FUCK YOUR PHONE? We're both in a bit of a hurry. JANET: Right. LEFT BRAD: We'll just say where we are, THEN GO FUCK IN THE CAR. WE ALL WANNA’ FUCK . FRANK: THROW IT! Well you got with a flat, well, HOW ‘BOUT THAT? Well, babies, don't you panic. PANIC! By the light of the night it'll all seem alright. I'll get you a HISPANIC mechanic. I'm just a sweet transvestite, from Transsexual, Transylvania. Why don't you stay for the night? RIFF: NIGHT! FRANK: Or maybe a bite? COLUMBIA: BITE. FRANK: I could show you my favorite obsession. SEX! I've been making a man WHAT’S HE LOOK LIKE? With blond hair and a tan WHAT’S HE GOOD FOR? And he's good for relieving my... SEXUAL ...tension. SAME THING. I'm just a sweet transvestite CHECK…IT…OUT from Transsexual, Transylvania. HIT IT, HIT IT!! I'm just a sweet transvestite WHIP IT UP, MAGENTA BABY! from Transsexual, Transylvania. So WHAT? come up to the lab, FUCK ME ON THE SLAB. I see you shiver with antici – SAY IT! CONSTA - pation. But maybe the rain, isn't really to blame. So I'll remove the cause. WHAT ABOUT THE SYMPTOM? But not the symptom. UNDRESSED JANET: Thank you. BRAD: Thank you very much. WHAT DO YOU SAY WHEN BRAD FUCKS YOU? JANET: Oh! Brad! WHAT DO YOU SAY WHEN JANET FUCKS YOU? BRAD: It's all right Janet. We'll play along for now and pull out the aces when the time is right. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR SEX? COLUMBIA: Slowly, slowly! It's too nice a job to rush. YEA RUSH! BRAD: Hi, my name is Brad Majors, ASSHOLE and this is my fiancee Janet Weiss SLUT; HOW DO YOU SPELL URINE? you are... I-N-E Rocky Horror Picture Show 9

COLUMBIA: You're very lucky to be invited up to Frank's laboratory. Some people would give their right arm for the privilege. OR, THEIR LEFT TIT BRAD: People like you maybe. COLUMBIA: Ha! I've seen it. AND I DON’T DO LAUNDRY RIFF: Come along - the master doesn't like to be kept waiting. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH AN UNCOMFORTABLE COCK? MAGENTA: Shift it. JANET: Is he, Frank I mean, your husband? COLUMBIA: Hah! RIFF: The master is not yet married, nor do I expect he ever will be. We are simply his SLAVES servants. SAME THING. THIRD FLOOR. LOCKS, SMOCKS, COCKS AND MEN’S LINGERIE. CAN YOU SHOW ME SOMETHING IN GREEN PLEASE? THANK YOU. - SLUTS FIRST, ASSHOLES IN THE REAR – LOOK IT’S THE VILLAGE PEOPLE – IT’S THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION – NO, IT’S THE B52’S – ALL OF THEM. JANET: Oh. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR? THE LABORATORY FRANK: Magenta, WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR DRUGS? Columbia, GOOD CHOICE go assist WOOF-WOOF. HE CAN’T GET IT UP! I will entertain ...uh huh huh... THE CAMERAMAN! BRAD: Brad Majors. ASSHOLE And this is my fiancee, Janet "Vice". SLUT JANET: Weiss. BRAD: Weiss? um FRANK: SAY SOMETHING IN FRENCH FRANK! Enchante. WHAT’S IT MEAN? Well! how nice. THAT’S NOT WHAT IT MEANS. And what charming underclothes you both have. THEY’RE FRUIT OF THE LOOM. But here. Put these on. WHAT’S A DEEZ-ON? They'll make you feel less PUNY vulnerable SAME THING. It's not often we receive visitors here, let alone offer them... HORSE BRUTALITY. BRAD: HORSE BRUTALITY!? All we asked was to use your telephone, IT’S A BIRD Goddammit IT’S A PLANE, a reasonable request which you've chosen to ignore. JANET: Brad, don't be ungrateful. BRAD: Ungrateful! IT’S A SUPER ASSHOLE! FRANK: How forceful you are, Brad. Such a perfect specimen of manhood. So... BIG. You must be awfully proud of him, Janet. JANET: ARE YOU A SLUT? Well, yes I am. FRANK: Do you have any tattoos, Brad? SHOW HIM THE BUTTERFLY BRAD: Certainly not! Rocky Horror Picture Show 10

FRANK: Oh well, how about you. SHOW HIM THE BATTLESHIP JANET: No. RIFF: Everything is in readiness, master. We merely await your...ORDER…word. DON’T SPILL IT, OH SHIT ALL OVER MY TUX! HEY FRANK! WHEN’S THE ORGY? FRANK: Tonight, my unconventional conventionalists...SCREAM – CLAP- USE NOSIE MAKERS - you are about to witness a new breakthrough in biochemical WARFARE.... and paradise will be mine... HOW WAS SEX WITH RIFF? It was strange the way it happened... HOW? suddenly you get a break... –SNAP YOUR GLOVE whole pieces start to fit into place YEA VASALINE, What a sucker you’ve been, what a fool! The answer was there all the time AXEL GREASE? it took a small AXLE GREASE to make it happen... A WHAT? AN ACCIDENT OH M&C: An accident! OKAY, OKAY FRANK: And that's how I discovered the secret, that elusive ingredient, that WHO GIVES THE BEST BLOWJOBS ON THE ENTERPRISE? SPARK that is the breath of life...DO YOU KNOW HOW TO MASTERBATE? Yes, I have that knowledge... WHAT DEODORANT DO YOU USE? I know the secret... TO LIFE? to life... ITSELF? itself! USE NOISEMAKERS! You are fortunate for tonight is the night that my beautiful creature is destined to be FUCKED! Throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator...ONE DILDO DOWN, TWO DILDOS DOWN and step up the reactor power input THREE MORE JOINTS! PUT YOUR HUMP INOT IT RIFF! JANET: Oh Brad! BRAD: It’s all right Janet! HE’S WORKING SO HARD HE’S GOT STEAM COMING OUT OF HIS ASS! FRANK: Oh! Rocky! OH SHIT!

THE SWORD OF DAMOCLES/CHARLES ATLAS SONG ROCKY: SAY SOMETHING INTELLIGENT ROCKY! Unnnnggggghhhh! The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head, SO THAT’S WHAT THAT THING IS CALLED and I've got the feeling someone's gonna be cutting the thread. Oh, woe is me, my life is a misery. Oh, can't you see, that I'm at the start of a pretty big downer. I woke up this morning with a start when I fell out of bed. ALL: That ain't no crime. ROCKY: And left from my dreaming was a feeling of unnameable dread. ALL: That ain't no crime. ROCKY: CHECK HIM OUT ASSHOLE! My high is low, I'm dressed up with no place to go. And all I know is I'm at the start of a pretty big downer. Rocky Horror Picture Show 11

ALL: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime. (Refrain) ROCKY: The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head. ALL: That ain't no crime. ROCKY: And I’ve got a feeling someone’s gonna be cutting the thread! ALL: That ain't no crime. ROCKY: Oh, woe is me, my life is a mystery and can’t you see that I’m at the start of a pretty big downer. FRANK: Oh Rocky! ALL: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime. (Refrain) FRANK: Oh really. That's no way to behave on your first day out. OF THE CLOSET! But since you're such an exceptional beauty, I am prepared to forgive you. HEY ROCKY! SHOW US HOW YOU BEAT-OFF. Oh, I just love success. RIFF He's a credit to your genius, master. FRANK: YES MAGENTA: A triumph of your will. FRANK: YES COLUMBIA: He's FUCKED UP! FRANK: WHAT DID SHE SAY? Okay. MORE EMPHASIS! O.K.! WHAT DO YOU THINK OF HILLARY CLINTON? I think we can do better than that. Humph! ASK KEN AND BARBIE. Well, Brad and Janet, SAME THING, what do you think of him? LIE THROUGH YOUR TEETH, BITCH! JANET: Well, I don't like a man with too many muscles. JUST ONE BIG ONE. FRANK: I didn't make him... FOR YOU! WHAT DOES HE CARRY? He carries the Charles Atlas seal of approval.- MAKE SOUNDS LIKE SEALS ANC LAP WITH BACKSIDE OF HANDS I CAN MAKE YOU A MAN PART ONE FRANK: A weakling HOW MUCH DOES YOUR DICK WEIGH? weighing ninety-eight pounds will get sand in his face when kicked IN THE GROIN. And soon in the gym with a determined chin, the sweat from his pores I CAN’T READ THIS SHIT! as he works for his cause. Will make him glisten and gleam, And with massage, and just a little bit of steam, GO FOR THE GOLD! MISSED IT! MISSED IT! NOW YA’GOTTA LICK IT! LICK IT! SUCK IT! NOW YA’ GOTTA’ FUCK IT! He'll be pink and quite clean. He'll be a strong man. WHAT’S IRISH BEE’S WAX? Oh honey, but the wrong man. SHOW US KING KONG’S DICK! He'll eat nutritious high protein. And swallow raw eggs...try to build up his shoulders, his chest, arms, and... THIRD LEG! Such an effort if he only knew of my plan. In just seven days AND 7 NIGHTS! I CAN MAKE YOU A FAG, JUST LIKE YOUR DAD! He'll do press-ups, and chin- ups, do JANET’S snatch, clean and jerk OFF. He thinks dynamic tension must be Rocky Horror Picture Show 12

hard work. Such strenuous living I just can't understand, when in just seven days, AND 7 NIGHTS! I CAN MAKE YOU A FAG, JUST LIKE YOUR DAD! LOOK OUT FOR THE BIG RED DOOR! COLUMBIA: EDDIE! HOT PATOOTIE (BLESS MY SOUL) EDDIE: FUCK THE HELMET LAWS! SING IT FAT BOY! Whatever happened to Saturday night, IT’S SUNDAY MORNING? when you’re at the job and you felt alright? It don't seem the same since cosmic light, came into my life, I thought I was divine. I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go, and listen to the ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW; a saxophone was playing in a rock 'n roll show. We climbed in the back seat, and baby had a real good time. Hot patootie, bless my soul, SEX, DRUGS, AND ROCK N’ ROLL (REPEAT). TRAN: Lovely party! EDDIE: KICK ASS! KICK ASS! My head used to swim from the perfume I smelled. My hands kind of fumbled with her white plastic belt. I'd taste her baby pink lipstick and that's when I'd melt, and she'd whisper in my ear tonight she really was mine. HEY COLUMBIA WANT A KISS? SIKE! Get back in front, put some hair oil on, Buddy Holly was singing his very last song. With your arms around your girl you'd try to sing along. SCARE THE SLUT! It felt pretty good, baby had a real good time! Hot patootie, bless my soul, SEX, DRUGS, AND ROCK N’ ROLL! (REPEAT) – DON’T LOSE YOUR HEAD! - THAT’S NO WAY TO PICK YOUR FRIENDS! FRANK: One from the vaults. BLOODY GLOVES? PLANT THEM AT OJ’S HOUSE! Oh baby...I’M UPSET. Don't be upset...WHAT KIND OF KILLING WAS IT? It was a mercy killing...MERCY, MERCY, MERCY he had a certain naive charm, BUT NO WHAT? but no muscle SHOW US SOME ROCK!...Oh! I CAN MAKE YOU A MAN (part II) FRANK: But a deltoid and a bicep. WHAT’D YA HAVE FOR BREAKFAST? A hot groin and a tricep, makes me, BOOGIE WITH A MIDGET shake, makes me want to Charles Atlas by the BALLS In just seven days, AND 7 NIGHTS! I CAN MAKE YOU A FAG, JUST LIKE YOUR DAD! I don't want no dissention, just dynamic tension. STRUT, STRUT, STRUT. JANET: I'm a muscle fan. SHUT UP, BITCH. FRANK: In just seven days, AND 7 NIGHTS! I CAN MAKE YOU A FAG, JUST LIKE YOUR DAD! Dig it if you can, in just seven days, AND 7 NIGHTS! I CAN MAKE YOU A FAG! BRAD AND JANET GET SOME CRIMINOLOGIST #3 CRIM: There are those that say that life is an illusion, LIKE YOUR NECK! and that reality is but a figment of the imagination LIKE YOUR NECK. If this is so, then Brad and Janet are quite safe UNLIKE YOUR NECK, HOWEVER, the sudden Rocky Horror Picture Show 13

departure OF YOUR NECK and his LOVER, SAME THING into the seclusion of his somber bridal SWEET - AT A MUCH HIGHER PITCH had left them feeling both HORNY apprehensive and HORNY uneasy. A feeling which grew UNLIKE YOUR NECK! as the other guests departed and they were shown to their separate rooms. AND YOU MAKE IT SOUND SO DIRTY. PINK IS FOR SLUTS! – WATCH OUT FOR THE SLUT-EATING BASIN. – SHE NEVER LISTENS. – HE KNOWS WHEN YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING, HE KNOW WHEN YOUR’RE AWAKE, HE KNOW WHEN YOU’VE BEEN FUCKING GOOD AND HE KNOWS WHEN YOU MASTURBATE. – BLUE IS FOR ASSHOLES. – SAME ROOM, DIFFERENT COLOR. – GIVE US A FISH-FACE, RIFFY! THANK YOU! JANET: Who is it? Who's there? CANDYGRAM. FRANK: It's only me, Janet. THAT’S WHAT YOU THINK. JANET: Oh, Brad darling, come in. AND OUT AND IN AND OUT. Oh! Brad Oh Brad. Yes, my darling...but what if... FRANK: It's all right, Janet, everything's going to be alright. DON’T WORRY, I BROUGHT THE RUBBERS. JANET: Oh, I hope so, my darling. DON’T TOUCH THE HAIR! Oh.A DEAD RAT!..Ah...ahh OHHH! Oh it's you! FRANK: I'm afraid so, Janet, but isn't it nice...NO IT’S WEISS JANET: Oh, you beast, you monster...Oh what have you done with Brad? NOTHING YET, SAVING THE BEST FOR LAST. FRANK: Oh, well, nothing. Why, do you think I should? JANET: You tricked...I wouldn't have...I've never..never... WHAT ABOUT THE FOOTBALL TEAM? FRANK: Yes, yes I know, but it isn't all bad, is it? IT ISN’T ALL BRAD EITHER. I think you really found it quite pleasurable. JANET: Oh, stop...I mean help...Brad Brad!..Oh Brad!! HE’S NOT DOWN THERE. FRANK: Shhh. Brad's probably asleep by now. Do you want him to see you like...This! JANET: Like this..like how??! Oh, it's your fault...you're to blame...Oh...I was saving myself...FOR WHAT, A RAINY DAY? IT’S RAINING! FRANK: Yes, but I'm sure you're not SPENT yet. JANET: Promise you won't tell Brad? FRANK: Cross my heart and hope to die...STICK A DILDO IN MY EYE. YOU WILL MOP, MOP, MOP ALL DAY LONG! MOP, MOP MOP WHILE I SING THIS SONG! - HEY SIS, LET’S GO FUCK WITH THE MONSTER! – GOD MY BROTHER HAS A GREAT ASS. – GIVE US A TWITCH ROCKY! - WE KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING, BUT IT’LL NEVER FIT! – HEY ROCKY, SHOW US HOW YOU JERK YOUR CHAIN. – ONE FOR THE ROAD. – ELBOW SEX, ELBOW SEX! – HEY RIFF RAFF, I Rocky Horror Picture Show 14

THINK THERE’S A BUG ON MAGENTA’S NECK! – WHERE IS THE BATHROOM IN THIS PLACE? FRANK: Oh, Brad darling, it's no good here. HEY, COULD WE GET SOMEONE IN HERE TO CLOSE THAT CURTAIN? It’'ll destroy us. BRAD: Don't worry Janet, CLOSE THE CURTAIN, PLEASE. we'll be away from here in the morning. CLOSE THE FUCKING CURTAIN! THANK YOU. FRANK: Oh, Brad you're so strong and protective. WATCH OUT FOR THE HAIR. BRAD: Ah, ah, ah, oh YOU! FRANK: I'm afraid so, Brad, but isn't it nice... BRAD: Why YOU! what have you done with Janet? MORE THAN YOU HAVE. FRANK: Nothing. LIAR! Why? Do you think I should? BRAD: You tricked me, I wouldn't have...never...never...never WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE TIME IN BOY SCOUTS? FRANK: Oh Yes yes, I know...but it isn't all bad, is it? Not even half bad, NOT EVEN A NICKEL-BAG, NOT EVEN A JOINT. I think you really quite enjoyed it. BRAD: Stop it...stop it...oh Janet...JANET! SHE’S NOT DOWN THERE. FRANK: Shhh! Janet's probably asleep by now, do you want her to see you...like...this? BRAD: Like this, like how? It's your fault, you're to blame,WHY DID YOU DRINK PEPSI? I thought it was the real thing! BITE IT! FRANK: Oh come on, Brad, admit it, you liked it, didn't you? It isn't a crime to give yourself over to pleasure, Brad. EXCEPT IN OKLAHOMA! We've wasted so much time already...Janet needn't know, I won't tell. BRAD: Well, promise you won't tell... FRANK: On my mother's gra.oouuuuuu.....DON’T TALK WITH YOUR MOUTH FULL. IT’S RIFF RAFF, THE AMAZING TALKING STOP SIGN! RIFF: Master, Rocky has broken his chains and vanished. Your new playmate is loose and somewhere IN THE COFFEE GROUNDS...Magenta has just released HER SISTER the dogs... FRANK: mmmm? coming! SO’S BRAD! JANET AND ROCKY THE TREE FACES OF JANET WEISS. JANET: What’s happening here? Where’s Brad? Where’s anybody? ROCKY STILL CAN’T FIND THE BATHROOM. Oh, Brad. Brad, my darling, JANET MY SLUT! how could I have done this to you? Oh! EASY, BUT IT WOULD’VE BEEN EASIER WITHOUT THE PANTYHOSE. HEY JANET, HOW ABOUT SOME IF-ONLY’S? If only we hadn't made this journey...STRIKE ONE! if only the car hadn't broken down...STRIKE TWO! if only we were amongst friends BUT YOU’R NOT Or sane persons, STRIKE THREE, YOU’R OUT! Oh Brad Rocky Horror Picture Show 15

GET PISSED SLUT! Oh Brad, what have they done with him. Oh, Brad, Oh Brad-How could you? LOOK WHAT JANET’S HOLDING, IT’S IN THE SHAPE OF THINGS TO COME. SHE’S ONLY CRYING BECAUSE SHE CAN’T JUMP THAT HIGH. – DON’T BOTHER HIM, HE’S MONSTERBATING. SHIT, NO PRIVACY IN THIS PLACE. Oh, but you are hurt...Did they do this to you? THEY SURE DID, THOSE SNIVELING SHITS. I'll dress your wounds...AND UNDRESS MINE baby there HEY JANE, SMILE IF YOU’RE HORNY! let me make it all better. HEY, JANET! REMEMBER THAT TIME AFTER THE FOOTBALL GAME, WHEN THE WHOLE TEAM AND YOU WENT INTO THE WOODS AND…YEA, YOU REMEMBER. CRIMINOLOGIST # 4 CRIM: Emotion, agitation or disturbance of the mind...Vehement or excited mental state. AND YOU CAN ONLY READ ABOUT IT, ASSHOLE. It is also a powerful and irrational MOUTHWASH...and from what Magenta and Columbia eagerly viewed on their television monitor there seemed little doubt that Janet was, indeed, ... A SLUT. M&C: Tell us about it, Janet. TOUCH-A TOUCH-A TOUCH-A TOUCH ME JANET: I was feeling done in, AND OUT AND IN AND OUT AND IT couldn't win. I'd only ever kissed before. COLUMBIA: You mean she...A VIRGIN? MAGENTA: Uh huh JANET: I thought there's no use getting into heavy petting TOO LATE. It only leads to trouble and BED wetting. JUMP UP – OH SHIT, MY SEATS WET! Now all I want to know is how to go. I've tasted CUM and I want more. LESS M&C: More LESS, more LESS, more LESS JANET: I'll put up no resistance I WANT TO FUCK YOUR PISTONS. I’VE GOT AND ITCHY SNATCH. I need assistance. FUCK-A, FUCK-A, FUCK-A, FUCK ME! I want to be dirty Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me, creature of the night. Then if anything grows AND IT WILL, while you pose, I'll oil you up and rub you down. UP M&C: Down UP, down UP, down UP. JANET: And that's just one small fraction of the MAIN ERECTION. You need a friendly hand TAKE TWOand I need action. HEY, THIS IS MORE FUN THAN PLAY- DOUGH! COLUMBIA: Toucha toucha toucha touch me MAGENTA: I want to be dirty. COLUMBIA: Thrill me, chill me, fullfil me, MAGENTA: Creature of the night. Rocky Horror Picture Show 16

JANET: FUCK-A, FUCK-A, FUCK-A, FUCK ME! I WANT TO BE SLUTY! EAT ME, BEAT ME, MISTREAT ME. Creature of the night. ROCKY HORROR ROLL CALL! – ROCKY! ROCKY: Creature of the night. BRAD BRAD: Creature of the night. FRANKIE! FRANK: Creature of the night. MAGENTA! MAGENTA: Creature of the night. RIFF RAFF! RIFF: Creature of the night. COLUMBIA! COLUMBIA: Creature of the night. ROCKY! ROCKY: Creature of the night. JANET: Creature of the night. HAVE AN ORGASM BITCH! LABORATORY SCENE II RIFF: HOW DO YOU SAY THANK YOU IN FRENCH? Merrrrrcy! THANK YOU SIR, MAY I HAVE ANOTHER? FRANK: How did it happen? I understood you were to be watching... RIFF: I was only away for a minute DOING WHAT?...master BATING FRANK: Well, see if you can find him on the monitor. HEY FRANK, SHOW US YOUR BACKHAND, SHOW US AN ASSHOLE, THAT’S ENOUGH. RIFF: Master BATOR, master BATOR...we have a visitor. BRAD: WHAT DOES CAPTAIN KIRK CALL HIS CHIEF ENGINEER? Hey, Scotty! BEAM US UP! THERE’S NO INTELLIGENT LIFE DOWN HERE...Dr. Everett Scott. KISS ASS. RIFF: You know this earthling…this FUCKED UP... person? BRAD: Why yes. He happens to be an old friend of mine. HOW CLOSE WERE YOU? FRANK: I see. So this wasn't simply a chance meeting. You came here with a PORPUS. YEA FLIPPER! BRAD: I told you, my car broke down. I was telling the truth. ASSHOLES NEVER LIE, THEY JUST SHIT A LITTLE. FRANK: I know what you told me...but this Dr. Everett Scott, his name is not unknown to me. BRAD: He was a science teacher AT SWOSU, SAME THING! FRANK: And now he works for your government, doesn't he, Brad? He's attached to the bureau of investigation of that which you call U-ASS-HOLE! Isn't that right, Brad? BRAD: He might be...I don't know. RIFF: The intruder is entering the building, master. WHERE’LL HE BE? Rocky Horror Picture Show 17

FRANK: He'll probably be IN THE ZEN ROOM? in the Zen room. DEHA-VU! THIS PLACE HAS GOT ROACHES! BETTER SMOKE’EM OUT! Shall we inquire of him in person? NOT THE TRIPLE-CONTACT ELECTRO-MAGNET! BRAD: Great Scott! – THROW TOILET PAPERr DR. SCOTT: FUCK-N-FURTER, we meet at last. NO, WE MEET AT FIRST. BRAD: Dr. Scott! DR. SCOTT: Brad! What are you doing here? AW, JUST FUCKIN’ AROUND. FRANK: Don't play games, Dr. Scott. You know perfectly well what Brad Majors ASSHOLE is doing here. It was part of your plan, was it not? That he and his female should check the layout for you OR, MAYBE JUST THE LAY. Well, unfortunately for you, all your plans are to be changed YOU MEAN THE ORGY’S OFF? You must be adaptable, Dr. Scott; I know Brad is AW, YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDN’T TELL. DR. SCOTT: I can assure you that Brad's presence here comes as a complete surprise to me DIDN’T YOU READ THE SCRIPT? I came here to find Eddie. BRAD: SWEATY!? I've seen him! FRANK: Eddie! What do you know of Eddie, Dr. Scott? GET SNOTTY, SCOTTIE! DR. SCOTT: I happen to know a great deal about a lot of things. You see Eddie happens to be my SISTER! BRAD: Dr. Scott. MOUSEKETEER ROLL CALL! DR. SCOTT: JANET! JANET: DR. SCOTT! BRAD: JANET: JANET: BRAD! FRANK: ROCKY! BULLWINKLE! DR. SCOTT: JANET! JANET: DR. SCOTT! BRAD: JANET: JANET: BRAD! FRANK: ROCKY! BULLWINKLE! DR. SCOTT: JANET! JANET: DR. SCOTT! BRAD: JANET: JANET: BRAD! FRANK: ROCKY! BULLWINKLE! Listen...I made you CAN YOU BREAK HIM?...and I can break you just as easily. I’M HUNGRY Rocky Horror Picture Show 18

MAGENTA: Magenta: Master, dinner is prepared! AND WE HELPED! FRANK: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ORAL SEX? Excellent. Under the circumstances, formal dress is to be optional. TOGA! TOGA! TOGA! CRIM: Food has always played a vital role in Life's rituals. The breaking of the bread WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR HANDS CHUCKY?, the last meal of the condemned man, and this meal. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. WHY THE FUCK DOES HE HAVE SEVEN FORKS? However informal it might appear, you can be sure that there was to be little, bonhommie. DINNER HEY EDDIE, GET YOUR ASS OFF THE TABLE! - GENTLEMEN, START YOUR ENGINES. - WHAT KIND OF WINE IS IT? MUST BE TABLE WINE. - HEY DR. SCOTT, COVER UP YOUR HARD ON! FRANK: WHAT DID YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST FRANK? A toast DID SOMEBODY SAY TOAST? – THROW TOAST....to absent friends... ALL: AND DEAD RELATIVES. FRANK: And to Rocky. – PARTY HATS ON SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Shall we? HEY RIFF, DEAL ME A SLICE. HEY ROCKY, EAT LIKE A MARINE, NO EAT LIKE A MARINE OFFICER. DR. SCOTT: We came here to discuss Eddie. SWEATY!? COLUMBIA: Eddie. SHUT UP BITCH, OR YOU’LL BE FOR BREAKFAST. FRANK: That's a rather tender subject. Another slice anyone? BRAD GETS IT. JANET GETS IT. DR. SCOTT GET’S IT. ROCKY GETS IT, BUT HE DOESN’T CARE. COLUMBIA: Excuse me. WATCH OUT FOR THE FIRST STEP – WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH COLUMBIA? DON’T YOU LIKE KETCHUP ON YOUR MEATLOAF? DR. SCOTT: I knew he was in with a bad crowd WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING TO – WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING TO? WHY THE FUCK ARE WE TALKING? but it was worse than I imagined...Aliens! ALL: Doctor Scott! JANET, BRAD, ROCKY, BULLWINKLE! FRANK: Go on, Dr. Scott. Or should I say Dr. Von Scott SIEG-HIEL! BRAD: Just what exactly are you implying? DR. SCOTT: It's all right! BRAD: Doctor Scott! JANET, BRAD, ROCKY, BULLWINKLE! DR. SCOTT: It's all right, Brad. From the day he was born NOT THE NIGHT BUT THE DAY, He was trouble. NOT MONOPOLY BUT TROUBLE. He was the thorn NOT THE ROSE BUT THE THORN, In his mother's side. NOT THE BACK, BUT THE SIDE. She tried in vain...NOT THE ARTERY BUT THE VAIN. CRIM: But he never caused her nothing but shame. SHAME, SHAME, SHAME. Rocky Horror Picture Show 19

DR. SCOTT: He left home the day she died. GET DOWN SCOTTY! From the day she was gone all he wanted WAS DR. SCOTT’S COCK. HI MOM! And a motorbike. TURN IT BACK TO THE PORN. Shooting up junk DON’T WE ALL, DON’T WE ALL. CRIM: He was a low down cheap little punk! YEA PUNK! DR. SCOTT: Taking everyone for a ride. When Eddie said he didn't like his Teddy You knew he was a no-good kid.- CLAP TWICE TO BEAT But when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife FRANK: What a FAG! JANET: Makes you GAG. DR. SCOTT: Und I did. COLUMBIA: Everybody FUCKED him. I very nearly SUCKED him. I said, hey, I WANTED WALLET NOT WALL SIZE..listen to me; Stay sane inside insanity! But he TIED ME UP AND PISSED ALL OVER ME. DR. SCOTT: But he must have been drawn WITH A CRAYON. Into something, LIKE DR. SCOTT’S COCK! Making him warn WHO Me in a note that reads... ALL: WHAT’S IT SAY? WHAT’S IT SAY? EDDIE: I'm out of my hed. SPELLED H-E-D! Oh, hurry, or I may be dead. SPELLED RIGHT? They mustn't carry out their evil deeds. LOVE, EDDIE When Eddie said he didn't like his Teddy You knew he was a no-good kid.- CLAP TWICE TO BEAT But when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife FRANK: WHAT A FAG! JANET: MAKES YOU GAG. DR. SCOTT: Und I did. When Eddie said he didn't like his Teddy You knew he was a no-good kid. - CLAP TWICE TO BEAT But when he threatened your life with a BALL- POINT PEN FRANK: What a guy! WHAT DOES SANTA CLAUS SAY? ALL: HO, HO, HO JANET: Makes you cry. WHAT DOES FAT ALBERT SAY? ALL: HEY, HEY, HEY DR. SCOTT: Unt I did. WHAT THE HELL IS AN UNT ANYWAY? - FRANK, IT’S YOUR TURN TO CLEAR THE TABLE! FRANK: Rocky! How could you? SLAP THE SLUT! SLAP THE SLUT! RIFF: Shut up! THE CHASE FRANK: I'll tell you once; I won't tell you twice. You'd better wise up, Janet Weiss. Your apple pie don't taste so nice. You'd better wise up, Janet Weiss. I've laid the seed; it should be all you need. You're as sensual as a pencil, wound up like an E or Rocky Horror Picture Show 20

first string. When we made it, didja hear a bell ring? Ya gotta block? Well, take my advice. DON’T FORGET TO GRAB THE DICK ON THE WALL. You better wise up, Janet Weiss. The transducer will seduce ya. JANET: My feet! I can't move my feet! DR. SCOTT: My wheels! My God, I CAN’T MOVE MY CHECKS! - MY SOCKS! BRAD: It's as if we're glued to the spot! FRANK: You are! So quake with fear, you TIGHT fools! JANET: We're trapped! WHAT ACTING! WHAT EMOTION! FRANK: It's something you'll get used to. A mental mind fuck can be nice. HEY, DOESN’T ANYBODY USE THE DOOR IN THIS PLACE? DR. SCOTT: You won't find Earth people quite the easy mark you imagine. This sonic transducer...it is, I suppose, some kind of audio-vibrato-physio-molecular transport device? BRAD: You mean...A VIBRATOR DR. SCOTT: Yes, Brad, it's something we ourselves have been working on A WORKING VIBRARTOR for quite some time. But it seems our friend A FRIENDLY VIBRATOR here has found a means of perfecting it. A PERFECT VIBRATOR A device capable of breaking down solid matter A VIBRATOR FOR VIRGINS and then projecting it through space A COSMIC VIBRATOR and, who knows, perhaps even time itself. A VIBRATOR FOR DR. WHO! JANET: You mean he's going to send us to another planet? FRANK: Planet, shmanet, Janet! You better wise up, Janet Weiss. You better wise up, build your thighs up, You better wise up CRIM: And then she cried out...MORE! MORE! MORE! JANET: Stop! FRANK: Don't get hot and flustered! HOW DO YOU MAKE A HOT DOG TASTE BETTER? Use a bit of mustard. BRAD: You're a hot dog, but you better not try to hurt her, WHAT’S HIS NAME? Frank Furter. DR. SCOTT: You're a hot dog, but you better not try to hurt her, WHAT’S HIS NAME? Frank Furter. JANET: You're a hot dog –NICE TITS JANET! COLUMBIA: My God! I can't stand any more of this! THEN SIT DOWN. First you spurn me for Eddie SPERM, SPERM, SPERM, and then you throw him off like an old overcoat for Rocky! HE IS You chew people up and then you spit them out again SOMETIMES HE SWALLOWS. I loved you.I CAN’T HEAR YOU...did you hear me! I loved you! And what did it get me? Yeah, I'll tell you: A BIG COCK. You're like a sponge. You SUCK, SUCK, SUCK, and drain others of their love and emotion. Yeah, well, I've had enough PEEK-A-BOO You're gonna choose Rocky Horror Picture Show 21

between me and Rocky, so named because of the rocks in his head. HOLY SHIT! WHAT A BITCH! QUICK MAGENTA THROW THE SWITCH! FRANK: It's not easy having a good time...SO TRY DISNEYLAND - SO HOW DO YOU FEEL AFTER BLOWING EDDIE? ...even smiling makes my face ache CAUSE YOU BITE ON YOUR KNUCKLES AND SUCK ON TOO MANY BIG THINGS...and my children turn on me SHOW US AN EAR! IT’S AN EAR- RECTION!...Rocky's behaving just the way Eddie did. Do you think I made a mistake, splitting his brain between the two of them? MAGENTA: Ahhhh! I grow weary of this world! When shall we return to Transylvania, huh? A VEEK FROM VENDSDAY, VEN ELSE? FRANK: Magenta, I am indeed grateful to both you and your brother Riff Raff. STROKE, STROKE, STROKE You have both served me well. Loyalty such as yours shall not go unrewarded. You will discover that when the mood takes me, I can be quite generous. MAGENTA: HOW MUCH DO YOU CHARGE FOR BLOWJOBS? I ask for nothing...nothing. UNDER SIXTEEN INCHES. FRANK: And you shall receive it...in abundance! WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE HIGH- PROTEIN DRINK? Come, STRAIGHT UP? OR ON THE ROCKY? we are ready for the floor show! IF ANYONE HAS SEEN MAGENTA’S EYES, PLEASE RETURN THEM TO THE FRONT DESK. ELBOW SEX, ELBOW SEX! - THE HANDICAPED ARE ALWAYS GETTING FUCKED OVER! CRIMINOLOGIST - 4 CRIM: And so, by some extraordinary co-incidence, fate, it seemed, had decided that Brad and Janet should keep that appointment with their friend, Dr. Everett Scott. But it was to be in a situation which none of them would have possibly foreseen. And, just a few hours after announcing their engagement, Brad and Janet had both tasted FRANK’S COCK...forbidden fruit. SAME THING This in itself was proof that their host was a man of of little morals YEA, LITTLE MORALS...and some persuasion. YEA PERSUASION! WHERE WOULD VIRGINS BE WITHOUT IT? STILL VIRGINS! What further indignities were they to be subjected to? . And what of the floorshow YEA, FLOORSHOW that is spoken of? WHERE DO YOU BEAT-OFF? In an empty house? WHEN DO YOU BEAT-OFF? In the middle of the night? THE RATES ARE CHEAPER. What diabolical plan had seized Frank's crazed imagination? IN JUST SEVEN DAYS, HE CAN BUILD YOU A NECK. What indeed? From what had gone before, it was clear that this was to be A PICNIC? no picnic. OH SHIT! AND I BROUGH THE ANTS. – PAY ATTENTION LADIES – THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON’T SWALLOW. – STICK OUT YOUR TONGUE! HIT THEM ALL! THE FLOOR SHOW COLUMBIA: HOW DID YOU ENJOY SEX WITH FRANKIE? It was great when it all began. I was a regular Frankie fan. But it was over when he had the plan TO START-A- Rocky Horror Picture Show 22

WORKING ON A WEIGHT-LOSS PLAN Now the only thing that gives me hope IS DEXATRIM Is my love of a certain dope. YEA, DOPE Rose tints my world, keeps me safe from my trouble and pain. ROCKY: I'm just seven hours old, AND CAN’T DANCE. And truly beautiful to behold. AND STILL CAN’T DANCE. And somebody should be told THAT YOU CAN’T DANCE My libido hasn't been controlled. Now the only thing I've come to trust IS JANET’S BUST Is an orgasmic rush of lust. FUCK THAT BOA! Rose tints my world and keeps me safe from my trouble and pain. BRAD- WHAT DID YOU SAY THE FIRST TIME YOU BEAT-OFF? BRAD: It's beyond me; AND THE SECOND? help me Mommy! AND THE THIRD? I'll be good; you'll see. Take this dream away. What's this? A LEG Let's see, I feel sexy! FUNNY, YOU DON’T LOOK IT. What's come over me? FRANK Wo! Here it comes again. JANET: I feel REAL CHEAP; bad times decrease. My TWAT SIZE has increased; reality is here. The game has been disbanded; my mind has been expanded. SHOW US WHERE FRANKIE LANDED! It's a gas that Frankie's landed! His lust is so sincere. HEY, JANET, BLOW US A KISS AN DSHOW US THAT COVER GIRL LOOK. – RKO? I THOUGHT IT WAS TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX! NOW THE MOVIE DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE! NOW I’M GOING TO HAVE TO SEE IT ALL OVER AGAIN! FRANK: Whatever happened to Fay Wray? SHE WENT APE-SHIT That delicate, satin- draped frame? IT WAS POLYESTER. As it clung to her thigh LIKE A HOMESICK ABORTION How I started to cry I’D CRY TO IF I HAD A HOMESICK ABORTION ON MY THIGH. 'cause I wanted to be dressed just the same. KICK THAT DICK Give yourself over to absolute pleasure. LOOK, FRANK’S GIVING THE WORLD A HARD-ON Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh. Erotic nightmares, beyond any measure And sensual daydreams to treasure forever. Can't you just see it? Oh, oh, oh. I SAID THE CEILING NOT THE FLOOR, THAT’S THE LAST TIME I HARE A NINJA TURTLE TO DO ANYTHING? – HEY, WAITER, THERE’S A TRANSVESTITE IN MY SOUP. SHUT UP, OR EVERYBODY WILL WANT ONE! - THE TITANCI IS THE ONLY THING FRANKIE HASN’T GONE DOWN ON! Don't dream it, be it. LAST ONE IN THE POOL IS A HETEROSEXUAL …..it. DR. SCOTT: Ach! CHOO! We've got to get THE FUCK out of this trap before this decadence YEA DECADENCE saps our wills. IT’S TOO LATE! I've got to be strong, and try to hang on, or else my mind may well SNAP, CRACKLE AND POP and my life will be lived...WHY DO YOU MASTURBATE? For the thrills! HOW DEEP IS JANET’S PUSSY? BRAD: It's beyond me; help me Mommy! DROWN THE ASSHOLE! JANET: God bless Lilly St. Cyr. HEY FRANK, WHO’S ORGY IS THIS? Rocky Horror Picture Show 23

FRANK: My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my...my! I'm a wild and an untamed thing. I'm a bee with a deadly sting. You get a hit and your mind goes ping. Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing. So let the party and the sounds rock on. We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone. , keep me safe from my trouble and pain. THIS IW WHER THE CHOREOGRAPHR DIED! IT’S THRILLER! ALL: We're a wild and an untamed thing. We're bees with a deadly sting. You get a hit and your mind goes ping. Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing. So let the party and the sounds rock on. We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone. Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain. RIFF: Frank N Furter, it's all over. Your mission is a failure; Your lifestyle's too extreme. I'm your new commander; You now are my prisoner. We return to Transylvania. Prepare the transit beam. FRANK: WAIT! Wait! CAN YOU EXPLAIN? I can explain! IT BETTER BE GOOD, YOU DIED LAST TIME! - COLUMBIA, GET THE LIGHTS, ROCKY, DO EVERYTHING ELSE. – HOW COME ROCKY KNOWS WHERE EVERYTHING IS, BUT FRANK DOESN’T? – LADIES, AND GENTLEMEN, FOR ONE NIGHT AND ONE NIGHT ONLY, THE AMAZING ALFALFA! On the day I went away, Goodbye...IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY? Was all I had to say...Now I...WHAT DID YOU SAY AFTER FUCKING BRAD? I want to come again, and stay. HARD, Smile, and that will mean OY-VAY cause I've seen, WHAT COLOR? oh, THAT’S NOT A COLOR blue skies NOT IN ELK CITY Through the tears in my eyes, And I realize, I’M FUCKING STONED. WHERE DID YOU CUM? Everywhere HOW’S IT BEEN? it's been the same...WHAT’S IT LIKE WHEN BRAD CUMS ALL OVER YOU FACE?...like I'm outside in the rain...HOW MUCH DO YOU CHARGE FOR A BLOW JOB? ..free to try and find a game...DEAL ME IN! ...cards for sorrow DEAL ME IN! cards for pain DEAL ME IN DAMMIT! THANK YOU! cause I've seen, oh, blue skies Through the tears in my eyes And I’M FUCKING STONED. MAGENTA: How sentimental. WHERE’S WALDO? RIFF: And also presumptuous of F YOU. C-K, SPELLS FUCK You see, when I said WE were to return to Transylvania, I WAS SPEAKING FRENCH I referred only to Magenta and myself. SELFISH I'm sorry, however, if you found my words misleading, TRY AGAIN but you see, you are to remain here, in spirit, anyway. DR. SCOTT: Great heavens! That's a laser! THAT’S NOT A LASER – YOU CAN’T TRUSTS A MAN THAT CAN’T EVEN KEEP HIS HAIR ERECT. RIFF: Yes, Dr. Scott. A laser capable of emitting a beam of pure anti-matter. WHAT ABOUT UNCLE MATTER AND ALL THE LITTLE MATTERS? BRAD: You mean...you're going to kill him? What's his crime? GAY-WALKING AND HOMO-CIDE. DR. SCOTT: You saw what became of Eddie. Society must be protected. FUCK SOCIETY! BETTER NO, YOU’LL GET A SOCIAL DISEASE. Rocky Horror Picture Show 24

RIFF: Exactly, Dr. Scott. And now, Frank N Furter, your time has come. Say goodbye to all of this, GOODBYE, ALL OF THIS and hello HELLO to oblivion. HI OBLIVION, HOW’S THE WIFE AND MY KIDS – DIVORCED AND EAD. – A BLINK OF AN EYE, A TWICH OF A LIP, FIRST ONE TO SCREAM GET’S IT RIGHT IN THE TIT JANET: Oh! You killed them! NO SHIT SHIRLEY! MAGENTA: But I thought you liked them. They liked you. GET PARANOID RIFF! RIFF: They didn't like me! GET REALLY PARANOID! He never liked ME! DR. SCOTT: You did right. SHOO THE FUCKING CRIPPLE! HE TAKES UP ALL THE GOOD PARKING SPACES. SHOOT HIM BETWEEN THE BALL- BEARINGS! RIFF: A decision had to be made. AND I MADE IT. DR. SCOTT: You're O.K. by me. NANOO-NANOO! RIFF: Dr. Scott, I'm sorry about your NIECE nephew. DR. SCOTT: Eddie? NO, PENELLOPE. Yes, well, perhaps it was all for the best, MAKES GREAT LEFTOVERS. RIFF: You should leave now, Dr. Scott, while it is still possible. We are about to beam the entire house to the planet Transsexual, WHERE YOUR HAIR GETS A HARD ON AND YOU COME OUT YOUR EARS! in the galaxy of Transylvania. Go...WHEN? Now. WHY ARE YOU WHISPERING? Our mission is completed, my most beautiful Q-TIP, and soon we shall return to the moon-drenched shores of our GITCHY GUMIE beloved planet. MAGENTA: GO FOR THE OSCAR! Sweet Transsexual SHOW US HOW YOU HOLD YOUR BROTHER’S COCK! Land of night to sing and dance once more to you dark refrains! NO OSCAR! To take that step to the right! RIFF: It's the pelvic thrust. MAGENTA: On our world , we’ll do the Time Warp again! CRIM: And crawling WHERE? on the planet's face WHAT DID YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST? Some insects WHAT ARE THEY CALLED? called the human race...WHERE’S YOUR NECK? Lost in time WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW? And lost in space WHAT’S THIS MOVIE HAVE A LOT OF? And meaning. BULLSHIT! – DON’T FORGET TO TURN OFF THE GLOBE! TALK ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING!