Week Three Semester Two 2013

week three semester two 2013

Look below the surface honi soit honi

UniGate is back pg 4

What’s getting a Brazilian like? pg 7

Daily Telegraph, calm your farm pg10

It’s a nice day for a Chinese wedding pg 11

R Kelly is a Goddamn genius pg 14 DISCONTENTS Glasnost and Sydney University When you reflect on the University of industry and you find the thousands of badly needs. When you consider the UNIGATE Sydney, on what it is as a place and an international students being abused by falling ratio of education funding to 4 Seriously. So much institution, it feels almost too appropri- landlords, employees, and their class- student numbers, it’s not hard to see UniGate. ate that a sandstone Quadrangle comes mates. Take away the rhetoric about the how this mentality has come about. But to mind. It’s an icon and an image the ‘student experience’ and you will hear it doesn’t have to be this was. It’s time GOING BRAZILIAN University consciously promotes. Pri- the stories of students forced to do lit- for glasnost. It’s time for the University 7 Anonymous mary school students dressed in pri- tle more than work, study, and sleep, to to dump ‘public relations’ and have real mary school colours are taken on tours help them afford living in the city where conversations, arguments, and fights through its well kept facade. Glossy their chosen university was built. with its students and its student media. 9 HIGH IN PERU brochures adorned with the building’s This is essentially what the job of a It’s time to talk about the faults and the Andre Fenby image and words like ‘opportunity’, student newspaper should be. We are challenges rather than bury them in ‘experience’, and ‘leadership’ are mailed here to help you tear away topsoil and obscure committees that don’t take min- TERRIBLE TELE to seventeen-year-olds sweating through see what really holds this place together. utes or visitors. It’s time smash the sand- HSC nightmares all around the country. stone surface and see what lies beneath. 10 Madeleine King But it’s a job made more difficult by the At rowdy Inner-West house parties old smothering instincts of an institution high school friends one-up each other supposedly committed to the prolif- RED with boasts of their new intellectual eration of knowledge and information. 12 WEDDING homes, and one inevitably brags about The University has become a carefully Patrick Horton the building they know their UTS and managed and heavily centralised PR UNSW friends can’t match. A sandstone machine. It becomes only too obvious THE Quadrangle is an easy object to mythol- every week when we try to interview a 14 CHURCH ogise. But the real reason a Quadrangle member of staff, or a Senate Fellow, or Jeremy Elphick is an appropriate image for the Univer- a head of department. All these people sity of Sydney is because it is all about know that speaking to us candidly about NEW SKINS the surface. the current state of the University and 15 Sean O’Grady When you look beneath the surface the success and failure of its policies is – of the building and of the Univer- not possible. Instead, we are referred to sity – things get complicated. Inside the carefully worded PR releases, always to CIV 5 sandstone Quadrangle itself are over- be attributed to “a University spokes- 16 John Gooding crowded lectures taught by academic person”. staff who a recent study revealed to Forced to constantly sell itself to the be some of the most dissatisfied in the world, the University of Sydney has THE SOIN Max Chalmers 21 country. Dig a little below the boasts become closed off, for fear that some- made about Australia’s University export thing might offend the customers it so Editor-in-chief

Editor-in-chief: Max Chalmers Editors: Rafi Alam, Bryant Apolonio, Avani Dias, Mariana Podesta-Diverio, Nick Row- botham, Hannah Ryan, Xiaoran Shi, Nina Ubaldi, Lucy Watson. Reporters: Jeremy Elphick, Andre Fenby, John Gooding, Lucy Hughes-Jones, Neha Kasbekar, Madeleine King, Stella Ktenas, Sam Murray, Sean O’Grady, Anjali Vishnathawan, Ezreena Yahya. Contributors: Georgina Bell, Patrick Horton, Michael Rees Cover Image: Alexandra Mildenhall WOULD YOU RATHER... Artists, Photographers, and Cartoonists: Mikaela Bartels, Cameron Caccamo, Patrick Horton, Stella Ktenas, Ezreena Yahya, Emily Woods. Puzzles: Dom Campbell and Eric Shi Have a guitar as a body? Ticker tape: The worst hits of those involved in the 2013 election Email us at [email protected] OR

The editors of Honi Soit and the SRC acknowledge the traditional Have toasters for hands? owners of this land, the Gadigal people of the Eora nation. Honi Soit is written, printed, and distributed on Aboriginal land. If you are reading this, you are standing on Aboriginal land. Please recognise and respect this. FAQ:

Want to place an advertisement in Honi Soit ? Contact Amanda Can I strum my own guitar? LeMay & Jess Henderson [email protected] Honi Soit is published by the Students’ Representative Council, University of Sydney, Level 1 Yes, but we all know that makes you go Wentworth Building, City Road, University of Sydney, NSW, 2006. The SRC’s operation costs, space and administrative support are financed by the University of Sydney.Honi Soit is printed mad. Not to mention the hair growth on under the auspices of the SRC’s Directors of Student Publications: Clare Angel-Auld, Adam Chalmers, Bebe D’Souza, Brigitte Garozzo, James O’Doherty, Lane Sainty. All expressions are your palms. published on the basis that they are not to be regarded as the opinions of the SRC unless spe- cifically stated. The Council accepts no responsibility for the accuracy of any of the opinions or information contained within this newspaper, nor does it endorse any of the advertisements and insertions. Printed by MPD, Unit E1 46-62 Maddox St. Alexandria NSW 2015. Is there a warranty on my toasters? Anyone can write for Honi Soit ! @honi_soit Email all letters and submissions to: Yes, as long as your parents kept it at http://www.facebook.com/honisoitsydney [email protected] birth. www.honisoit.com letters

university and local community, the The Fastest Response Letter Ever camp will be able to cater for Sixteen & children. SOUND The Sony Foundation St Andrew’s Hi Cameron, College Children’s Camp allows the children to experience a great range of Apologies your article didn’t go to activities such as swimming, arts and fury print. We received two articles on a craft, a trip to the zoo, a jumping castle, similar topic and intended to combine visits from a fire truck and Santa! It is research from each article. We defi- not only an invaluable experience for nitely should have communicated better the children but also provides the fami- within our team, with you and with the lies of these children with a break in Angry at Evangelicals negotiations, including the $206 mil- other author, but did not censor you for the lead up to Christmas. The children lion difference between the suggested political reasons. have a fantastic opportunity to meet pay increases from each side, Spence’s I’m probably capable of writing a very new friends and gain a sense of inde- commitment to keeping staff the high- measured and thoughtful letter about Sincerely, Eds. pendence. Everyone who is involved est paid in the sector, and the massive how tired I am of evangelical Christians with the camp is truly passionate about premiums that would have to be borne spouting their rabid nonsense on cam- this program and about making a posi- by the University if to-and-from work This Email Came from an Address pus. I am, after all, a high-achieving stu- tive contribution to our community. insurance was covered through them. Belonging to ‘Rhys Pogo’. But we’re dent of the arts at one of the premier As well as increasing the number of The only thing missing from these sto- like 66% sure it’s not that Rhys… universities in the country. children at the camp this year, we are ries was a remark from an NTEU repre- also looking to recruit carers from the I could, if I had the energy, marshal sentative, which I was assured was being Dear Honi Soit, wider university community. The carer together a few good arguments from chased up by another editor. Socrates to Bertrand Russell, set it all plays the role of a guardian for a child It was to my great surprise, then, out nicely and explain why I’m not and throughout the camp, including cater- that I opened this article to find that I have a question of etiquette for your never will be moved by the idea that a ing for the particular child’s needs as this was not my article at all. This was readership. Just the other day, I was human sacrifice in ancient Palestine is required over a 24 hour timeframe per a totally different article, with a clear moisturising my vagina after some vig- the most morally salient event in the day for the duration of the camp. The pro-Union slant emphasised by liberal orous hair removal and heard a knock history of the universe, that this human role of a carer is difficult, tiring, often quoting of NTEU sources. None of on the door. I answered, panty-free with sacrifice has anything whatsoever to do frustrating but above all offers signifi- the important facts listed above made it skirt covering, expecting that the post- with me and the meaning of my life. man was just dropping off a package. cant personal growth and reward, as in there, instead continuing to say that well as providing a much needed respite But I am, indeed, too tired. So please, the NTEU’s demands were entirely pos- Instead, I found Greens members for the family. please, for the love of FUCK, just go sible due to the surpluses the University campaigning for my vote. It was a sticky We ask anyone who is interested in away - you sanctimonious little happy seems to enjoy – the same operating sur- situation: I was unsure whether convers- applying for a role on this years Sony clapping *****. No more unsightly plus that is consistently earmarked for ing sans knickers was polite, or common Foundation St Andrew’s College Chil- chalk-hewn attestations to your mythi- infrastructure or research grants. Per- practice in this company. dren’s Camp to email [email protected]. cal beliefs, no more god-awful acous- haps the NTEU would have the Univer- To add to my horror, the candidate au or to visit www.saccc.org.au for tic songs, no more cheesy American sity stop both. Oh, and what about the strode up and reached his hand out more information. pseudo-academic ring-ins. We’ve heard salaries of senior management, total- for the good bloke shake. I hesitantly it all so many times. It doesn’t make any ing $5 million? If only we had 40 or so reached out my slick hand in return, not fucking sense!!! senior management teams to sack. wanting to rebuke his advances. Lachlan Weir. There are two sides to this story. It’s What should I have done? In my Mitch Dempsey, Arts II one-sided articles like this, however, that attempt to eschew rudeness, I have Getting Real about Race give Honi its title of “The Strike News- become far more intimate with my paper”. Given that previous editorials neighbours through the conduit of the Dear Honi, have openly encouraged students to Greens candidate than I ever intended. When Caccs Attacks strike, while featuring no analysis what- I feel like the person who passed on soever of the opposite point of view, I chlamydia to all of my polyamorous It might not have made it up the Dear Honi, should not be left surprised by this. It network. ivory-tower vine yet, but the P.C. Police is one thing to treat your reporters ter- Yours guiltily, have yet to classify refugees as a race. ribly, without any notice that a story has This might be pertinent information to With much anticipation did I see been dropped, or you’ve been snubbed pass onto President Pink re: his report that Page 4’s Honi News was updating by another writer. It is another to parade Lotta Vagina in the last edition. If a reclassification students on the ongoing negotiations as a news section of a newspaper while has indeed taken place, I apologise to between the University and the Unions peddling what is clearly a collectively this student body and and to Obama over the EBA. The reason I applied to Come Help the Kids held conviction. Most Merciful for my ignorance. But if be an Honi Reporter was to break these I’m writing on behalf of the Sony my suspicions are correct, detention of kind of stories, and I immediately indi- Foundation St Andrews College Chil- refugees is not in any way, shape, form, cated my interest in pursuing it. I guess objectivity really is dead, huh? dren’s Camp committee and we would love it if the Honi Soit would be able to or perverted stretch of the English lan- Within two weeks, I had written two guage, “racist”. drafts and sourced a press release from help us spread awareness of the camp Regards, The discriminatory nature of basic the Office of Dr Spence himself con- and open the camp up to the wider uni- Cameron Caccamo, Education/Arts vocabulary is one I am proud to see firming these developments. These versity community. III being rectified in my lifetime, and hope- drafts included key facts from the From December 5th-8th 2013, St Andrew’s College will host the Sony fully racism against English majors (such Foundation St Andrew’s College Chil- as myself) in engineering job market will dren’s Camp for children with physical be identified as the atrocity it is -- ideally and intellectual disabilities. The pilot before I finish my degree. But to count camp in 2012 saw 26 students and our eggs before they hatch will be coun- seven committee members volunteer terproductive to the struggle for equality EMAIL YOUR LETTERS four days of their summer holidays we all so desperately believe in. to be companions to twelve children TO [email protected] from around New South Wales. This In solidarity, year we are proud to announce Spon- Michael W. Davis, Arts I sorship from the Sony Foundation and with further support from the College,

Theme for the ticker tape this week: the most egregious quotes of those contesting the 2013 election 3 HONI NEWS FREE Week Three Edition “WHAT IS LOVE ANYWAY?”

Also of note in the strategy document night after smoking pot with some fel- is the $15,000 NUS is spending on its low students, again at Hermann’s. Like a election campaign website. To put that grown-up game of pass-the-parcel, the in perspective, we recently spent $69 joint was in his hand when the bar staff (and admittedly a few hours in our dun- came over, and he had no choice but to geon of an office) on our new website. confess. Now Derek’s only options for Overall, it appears that NUS is spend- on-campus beverages are drinks at Taste All the rumours, hearsay, and downright slander from the world of student politics and culture ing close to $60,000 on the election, Baguette or Parma. We hope he likes which is a similar amount to its typical wankiness served with his wine. Student newspaper moves regular forcing the editors to literally guillotine a entire annual expenditure on activist *Names have been changed because drugs are section, ‘UniGate’ section from four thousand hard copies campaigns. Given NUS has consistently illegal. See: page 4. of the edition. This year saw a similar spent less than 10% of its annual bud- incident after Honi again leaked a USU get on activism in recent years, allocating email. Rajvanshi told the Gate she would $60,000 to an electoral slush fund invites Pizza heist Hacktalk: Honi and SRC recuse herself from writing or even dis- a degree of cynicism, especially as NUS It’s the delicious mystery that has all Inspired by our good friends over at cussing USU coverage with the other is controlled by Labor students, some of campus scratching their stomachs the NSA, the Gate has spent the last editors should she be elected. Rajvanshi of whom presumably have career aspi- and their heads. Who stole History Soc’s few weeks spying, prying, and unscru- will be continuing her role as Immedi- rations in the party. This extra $60,000 pizza? The society was hosting its fort- pulously stealing the secrets of USYD’s ate Past President of the USU if she is may well be better spent on organising nightly trivia night and awaiting their student politicians. We’ve bugged Alex elected to Honi, which means that she on-the-ground campaigns than imple- oven baked delivery. But when it failed Dore’s car, stolen Hannah Morris’ diary, will still be a Board Director with active menting a social media strategy and to materialise they realised someone had hacked Tom Raue’s Facebook, and hired fiduciary duties to the organisation. building a new website, but perhaps we made off with $210 worth of margheri- plumbers to break into David Pink’s fil- Her dual Honi/USU ambitions aren’t just don’t get it... tas and meat lovers. The brazen thief ing cabinet. Here’s what we found. unprecedented, though: Alice Dixon appears to have collected the society’s order fresh from the Domino’s delivery The factions have been playing hard (USU Vice President 2008-2009) was an Kids: don’t do drugs, urinate, and car and made off with it into the night. to get with each other as alliances are Honi editor in 2008 after being elected go to campus bars forged for the upcoming SRC elec- to Board in mid-2007, and Pat Bateman When the announcement was made that A naughty student with a bad habit tions. There’s a lot of speculation flying made an unsuccessful tilt at editorship the pizzas had been pinched a score of has been permanently banned from around and at this stage all that’s really in 2011 when he was Immediate Past dejected guests reportedly abandoned Manning and Hermann’s. Let’s call him clear is that things will be an absolute President. the event. Last words to History Soc VP Derek.* Derek was already on shaky mess. What we know is that two strong Eda Gunaydin: “As I tweeted through The second ticket appears to be at an ground with the staff at Hermann’s presidential candidates have emerged. a combination of rage and hunger to earlier stage of development. So far it after deciding a few months ago that The first is Hannah Smith of NLS (a Domino’s Australia later that night: I includes Miranda Smith (who recently his bursting bladder needed relieving Labor Left faction). Smith looks likely hope the cat I glimpsed outside Man- helped manage Bebe D’Souza’s USU just when the bar was closing. Ignoring to win the support of the Indies (those ning House on my way out that evening campaign and co-campaign managed staff ’s pleas to stop, he made his way to who last year would have run under the finds our thieves’ leftovers, so at least the current Honi team’s election cam- the bathroom and…well, you can guess ‘Voice’ branding). The second is Amelie one deserving creature got fed that eve- paign), Jeremy Elphick (who recently what he did there. Vanderstock of Grassroots. If Grass- ran against Bebe D’Souza during the ning. Whoever you are you owe the His- roots can win over SLS (another Labor same campaign), Edward McMahon, Derek received a red card last Tuesday tory Society over $200. Thanks.” Left faction), Unity (Labor Right), and/ Stella Ktenas, and Nina Hallas. It looks or smaller left wing groups (Socialist likely to be managed by current Honi Alternative and Solidarity) she will have editor Nick Rowbotham.* The current a good chance of becoming the first ticket has a notably activist flavour and non-Labor President of the SRC in 15 would be likely to work with Grassroots years. during the elections. After preference Honi: After weeks of coalition mak- deals with SRC tickets proved crucial ing and coalition breaking, two tickets during last year’s Honi race, both sides are shaping up to contest the election of will now be carefully considering which next year’s Honi Soit editors. Each year SRC group it will be most profitable to tickets of up to ten compete with the form an alliance with. victorious team elected in full. The first *Because of his potential involvement in the ticket is spearheaded by MECO student, election, Nick will not be contributing to the BULL editor, and SHADES president Gate’s coverage of the election. Lane Sainty, along with fellow BULL ed. Felix Donovan. According to a source NUSty put some clothes on on the ticket it also includes Georgia Kriz, Georgia Behrens, John Gooding, The many, many eyes of the Gate’s Andrew Passarello, Justin Pen, Harry spies have gathered more than just hack Stratton, and Michael Rees. Here’s the gossip. We have acquired a copy of the big one though: Astha Rajvanshi, USU National Union of Students’ (NUS) fed- President until just months ago, is eral election campaign strategy, devel- also confirmed. When Rajvanshi was oped by marketing company Essential a Board Director last year and an Honi Media Communications. In addition Director of Student Publications (which to an enrol to vote campaign that has meant she saw the paper before it went already been launched, NUS is planning, to print) she informed then President amongst other things, an ‘Instagram Sibella Matthews that Honi was about to action’ – as if we needed to combine publish a leaked USU email, leading the the dual vices of Instagram vapidity and USU to threaten to sue the paper and Labor upstarts in campaign mode. A surprise candidate for SRC President?

4 “No Whyalla wipe-out there on my TV” - Craig Emerson www.honisoit.com news Senator’s Indigenous society ex-company won to take over USU’s HONI NEWS $180 million Indigenous Festival FREE Week Three Edition “WHAT IS LOVE ANYWAY?” project Wirriga aims to promote cross-cultural awareness, writes Lucy Hughes Jones Wirriga – an Indigenous word for But the University is sure there ain’t nothing to see here, reports Max Chalmers goanna – is the name of a new society launched for Aboriginal and Torres The University of Sydney has denied tee’s decision to award the contract to Strait Islander students with the Uni- any links between a Senate Fellow and the John Holland Group. versity of Sydney Union to promote a tender process which resulted in his “The tender process was conducted in cross-cultural awareness. former employer winning a contract to accordance with the NSW Government “We want to focus a lot of our atten- develop the University’s new business Procurement Policy and was overseen tion on helping the wider community,” school in the Abercrombie Precinct. by a Probity Officer. All members of the said Kyol Blakeney, SRC Indigenous In July this year the Senate’s Buildings tender evaluation panel were required to Officer and President of Wirriga. and Estates Committee awarded the sign a declaration of interest statement. “We’ll be partnering with local chari- contract to the John Holland Group, No member of the Panel declared an ties and organisations in Redfern.” a 100%-owned subsidiary of Leighton interest,” the statement read. The club is planning a black tie Holdings, which previously employed Mr Mortimer has served as a Fellow fundraising dinner to be held during Senate Fellow David Mortimer. Mr of the Senate since 2010. Earlier this Reconciliation Week in 2014 with Her Mortimer served as an independent year he was named in an investigation Excellency, Professor Marie Bashir non-executive director of Leighton led by the International Consortium of AC, Governor of New South Wales as Holdings from 1997 to 2007 when he Investigative Journalists and picked up the guest of honour. took over the role of Chairman which by Fairfax which showed that Mr Mor- SRC Indigenous Officer and -Wir Unhappier times for the USU’s he held until 2011. timer owned a company in notorious tax riga Vice-President, Chloe Wighton, Indigenous Festival Statements issued by the Univer- haven the British Virgin Islands in 2007. said the society is also open to non- sity’s Head of Media and PR Kirsten At the time of print, Honi Soit’s ques- Johnny Cake stall or a bush tucker stall Indigenous students. on Eastern Avenue to help other stu- Andrews said that Mr Mortimer and tions had not been returned by Mr Mor- “We plan to hold guest speaker the Investments and Commercialisation timer. dents understand our 60 000-year-old events with prominent Aboriginal and history,” she said. Committee he chairs had no formal role Torres Strait Islander leaders, work- in the Buildings and Estates Commit- @maxchalmers90 Blakeney said the society will give shops, and we’re looking at having a Indigenous students greater autonomy over Indigenous activities on campus, with Wirriga set to take the reins on next year’s Indigenous Festival. He and Wighton rallied for a boycott of the 2013 event due to a lack of Indig- enous student involvement, as was reported in Honi. “The idea that it’s an Indigenous festival, yet no Aboriginal Torres Strait Islander people were on the committee to run it, is like us getting together down at the Koori Centre and saying ‘let’s put on an Italian festival’,” he said. “A lot of the people that were invited were not really well known or respected in the wider Aboriginal community… next year you can be assured there won’t be any breach in protocol.”

Cartoon: Emily Woods

Students’ Representative Council, University of Sydney Nominations for the Students’ Representative Council Annual Nomination forms can be downloaded from the SRC website: Elections for the year 2013 close at 4.30pm Wednesday 21st www.src.usyd.edu.au, or picked up from SRC Front Office Notice of 2013 August 2013. Polling will be held on the 25th and 26th of (Level 1, Wentworth Building) from 8pm July 31st 2013. September 2013. Pre-polling will also take place outside the Nominations must also be lodged online along with your policy SRC Offices Level 1 Wentworth Building on Tuesday 24th Students’ statement and Curriculum Vitae (optional), by close of nominations of September 2013 from 10 am - 3pm. All students who are at: www.src.usyd.edu.au. For more information, call 9660 5222. Representative duly enrolled for attendance at lectures are eligible to vote. Members of the student body who have paid their nomination Signed nomination forms and a printed copy of your online Council fee to Council are eligible to nominate and be nominated, nomination must be received no later than 4.30pm on Wednesday except National Union of Students national office bearers. 21st August, either in the locked box at the SRC Front Office Annual Election Fulltime officebearers of the SRC may also nominate as NUS (Level 1 Wentworth), or at the following address: delegates. PO Box 794, Broadway NSW 2007. Nominations are called for the following elections/positions Nominations which have not been delivered either to the locked box and open 31st July 2013 at 8pm: in the SRC front office or to the post office box shown above and submitted online by the close of nominations will not be accepted (a) The election of the Representatives to the 86th SRC regardless of when they were posted. (33 positions) The Regulations of the SRC relating to elections are available on-line (b) The election of the President of the 86th SRC at www.src.usyd.edu.au or from the SRC Front Office (c) The election of the Editor(s) of Honi Soit for the 86th SRC (level 1, Wentworth Building). (d) The election of National Union of Students delegates for the 86th SRC (7 positions) Authorised by P. Graham, SRC Electoral Officer 2013. Students’ Representative Council, The University of Sydney Phone: 02 9660 5222 | www.src.usyd.edu.au

“Oh, why don’t you go and pop your Alzheimer’s pills?” - Sophie Mirabella, to Bill Heffernan 5 news @honi_soit News in Students’ Representative Council, University of Sydney Revue Want some work! Claire Nashar writes about politics, with rhyme and reason Polling Booth

Catch 22 Attendants Three word slogans won’t solve complex problems. But apparently four words Required might win an election: The SRC is looking for people to BY BOAT, NO VISA. work on the polling booths for its This week in Sydney, magnolia blossoms are rotting beneath magnolia trees. elections this year. In Russia, a whistle-blower has been welcomed in from the cold. In our If you can work on newspapers, via correspondence, imperatives have been handed down. Wed 25th Sept and/or Thurs 26th Sept, and attend a training at 4pm Tues 24th Sept, It makes me wonder: is the fact we want to hear from you! that an island can amass out of bird shit on coral somehow meant to be a motivational narrative? That if we accrete $31.64 per hour enough political fuckups, they’ll abracadabra There may also be an opportunity to undertake into valuable resources, one day to be additional work at the vote count exploited? Don’t worry, guys, if the phosphate Application forms are available from the SRC Front Office runs out, we’re already practicing how to strip- (Level 1 Wentworth Building). mine dignity... For more info, call 9660 5222 or email [email protected]. Applications close 4pm, 9th September 2013

When all seem prepared to filibuster our trust, tell me again, Authorised by P Graham, SRC Electoral Officer 2013. kick which mob out? Students’ Representative Council, University of Sydney: 02 9660 5222 | www.src.usyd.edu.au Get out the vote Labor uncaps Stella Ktenas says it’s too late to apologise, and too late to enrol to vote education deductions If you haven’t enrolled to Max Chalmers reports on the latest vote then it’s time to find developments in tertiary education policy an easy tuition gig so you can pay the $20 fine. Au- The Labor Party has revised tertiary nancially because of lower enrollment gust 12 marked the last day education cuts announced earlier in the rates and lost revenue, he argued. “It ac- to enrol for the September year by postponing a cap on tax deduc- tually could have a really serious impact 7 federal election. We had table educational expenses. The cap not just on University budgets but on waved hello and goodbye would have prevented people from de- the capacity of Australians to skill them- to Monday and to our op- ducting more than $2000 of educational selves up for different professions,” he portunity to fulfil our legal expenses (including course fees) per an- said. requirement as Australian num from their tax bill. Universities Australia, the peak body citizens. Whether you are Though the cap received less media at- for the nation’s universities, had pre- a first timer or an experienced donkey Photo: Teeny!, Flickr. tention than the other savings measures viously submitted a 22-page report to voter your vote matters a great deal. Australian Youth Climate Coalition and – which included a ‘dividend saving’ that the Treasury which panned the cap as The perplexing thing is that it’s esti- Triple J (Rock Enrol campaign) all ran would have seen Universities lose $900 economically harmful. The organisation mated only one in two 18-year-olds and campaigns, presenting the major par- million across the country – Universities argued the cap would prevent people in two in three 19-year-olds are enrolled ties prior to the federal election or or- Australia and a host of interest groups the work force from returning to further to vote. There are 500 000 18-24-year- ganising enrolment drives. Perhaps you had railed against the change. University studies and increasing their skill level olds who are not enrolled. Pink shirts avoided all these campaigns, and so as of Sydney Provost Stephen Garton told and taxable income. have been roaming our campus since you haven’t enrolled, by all means, in for Honi Soit when the policy was initially While Labor’s recent decision to defer O-Week. You all saw them. Don’t pre- a penny in for a pound, don’t vote. Just announced that capping the deductions the cap will bring some joy to univer- tend you hadn’t seen the multitude of make sure you have $20 or a legitimate would hurt postgraduate students trying sity administrators around the country, enrolment campaigners. The National excuse, as after 21 days of not providing to undertake work related study. This it may be short-lived. The policy will be Union of Students (Get Out the Vote either you will face legal prosecution, a would ultimately cost the University fi- reconsidered in May 2014. push for the My Future Our Voice cam- $50 fine, plus court costs. Perhaps per- paign), GetUp (over 600 000 members forming your civic duty is in your finan- @maxchalmers90 and created a video ad campaign), the cial interest after all.

6 “I’m no Bill Gates here and I don’t claim to be any kind of tech head in all of this”- Tony Abbott www.honisoit.com culture

FIRST PERSON A stranger ripping hair off my genitals Anonymous tells a story of vulnerability, sexuality, and hair removal I got my first Brazilian three Valen- explained with a hesitant chuckle when People tend to fixate on the pain of One application of warm wax later I tine’s Days ago. I opted for a landing she had finished my underarms and legs. a Brazilian wax, but that didn’t faze me realised it was so she could get at the strip, unwilling to get rid of every last “So can you just tell me if there’s any- much. I was more concerned about the hair in my ass-crack. I felt appalled that hair. You might consider me a vaginal thing I should know or expect?” Her violent ripping motion which removed anybody was really looking at that part of nevernude: I felt that my dark, messy response was impatient and cold – I the hot wax from areas close to pretty me, and idiotic for not expecting her to pubic mane, which had so horrified me think she thought I was silly. She told important parts of my anatomy, and the tidy up that part as well. when it first appeared, was a symbol of me it wouldn’t take long, but didn’t say awkward, exposed positions I had to It was all over quickly, like she’d told my adulthood, and that to get rid of all much more than that. arrange my body in to get the wax there me. It’s a pretty small area, really. my short and curlies would somehow in the first place. Just as she was applying the first coat of *** de-sex me. The point of this grooming wax, the phone rang and she answered. That night, I told my boyfriend his experiment was partly to see what it was It was a personal call – a friend, I think, Valentine’s Day present was coming like to be largely pube-free, and also to wanting to talk about their plans for after dinner. When we got home from please my then-boyfriend who, a few the weekend. She kept working on me the restaurant I took off my dress to months earlier, had bashfully mentioned as she talked, phone pressed to her ear, reveal the gift: lacy bra, red G-string, that he had an interest in landing strips. occasionally telling me how to arrange garter, landing strip. He was pleased, but I thought it would be romantic. my body. Legs spread, a sticky mixture probably more curious. He touched the I grew hairy armpits young – when I of hair and wax, I felt like I was intrud- bare skin he’d never seen before, fasci- was about nine – so I’d been going to ing. Surely she’ll put it down, I thought. I nated, but then, as with every other time my local beautician for years and years need her to talk to me. I was wrong. The call I’ve ever worn nice underwear for a boy, for a regular wax. But in the same way lasted the whole wax. To her, I was just a he was quickly distracted by the promise I never acknowledged to my parents, vulva to make bald while she had a chat. of imminent sex and just got on with it. who’d known me since I was a baby, that The situation reminded me of when So, in the end, I was the only one I’d started having sex, I didn’t want my I’d had sex for the first time. It was my who really looked at my landing strip. I beautician, who’d been there for my first boyfriend’s first time as well. We’d finally stared at it in the mirror as I was getting leg wax, to draw the obvious conclusion worked out where all our body parts changed, and from above when I was in from the shift from bikini to Brazilian were meant to go and achieved the nec- the shower or going to the bathroom. wax. I called another place and made an essary level of moistness. It didn’t last I thought my lips looked oddly droopy, appointment: early, to decrease the risk long, although I had nothing to com- Photo: geofones, Flickr and I didn’t like the exposed way my of running into someone I knew. pare it to, and I got a cramp in my left I wondered how many times my waxer labia minora protruded down the bot- *** foot. Afterwards, we lay together for a had done this. I wondered how many times she had done this while on the tom. I was glad that no hairs poked out Lying and waiting pre-wax, naked, I few minutes, basking in this new realm phone. I wondered if it was possible for the sides of my skimpier underpants, felt like a medical patient. I wanted my of intimacy. But then he got up, shut his a waxer to perform a cliterodectomy by but I still felt fat and frustrated at my waxer to be good at her job, but more bedroom door behind him, and went to accident. I wondered if she would care permanent stretch marks. than that, I wanted bedside manner. It play FIFA on the X-Box with his house- if she knew she was only the second Other girls have told me that they get was important to me that she knew I mates. They played a 15-minute game as person to see my vagina since I’d grown Brazilians not because they like the way was vulnerable and that I needed extra I read my book, alone in the bed. When up. it looks, but because it makes it likelier care. I didn’t know her name and she’d the game finished, I heard him ask if that your partner will go down on you. seemed grumpy when I arrived, but I they wanted to play another game. I “Pull your knees to your chest,” she I’ve also heard it makes sex feel better. needed to establish a relationship. pulled on my clothes and walked out of instructed. Lying in a position I hadn’t his room and out of the house, crying. found myself in since I did gymnastics That wasn’t my experience, but then, I “I’ve never got this done before,” I at school, I wondered what it was for. haven’t got one since. Top 5 Wikipedia Lists TOP 5 Neha Kasbekar lists lists

Unusual Deaths Heart disease seems an especially tame way of dying when you could go out like feckless Gouverneur Morris, who died after attempting to use a whale bone to dislodge a blockage in his urinary tract, or unfortunate Sherwood Anderson, who shuffled off the mortal coil after swallowing a toothpick at a party. Praise be to this list, however, for introducing me to Nitaro Ito, a Japanese political candidate who tried to win favour with voters 5 by stabbing himself in the leg. Ito thought he could claim to have fought off attackers valiantly, but instead bled to death after piercing an artery. Judging by the level of enthusiasm most Australian voters seem to have for the upcoming election, I suspect Ito’s campaign strategy, however saddening, would probably be strongly encouraged here.

Common Misconceptions I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the most knowledgeable or academically distinguished of my cohort; my most highly peer-reviewed work, attracting harsh yet principled criticism, has been farts. (Nice knowing you, employability.) But this list is all the aspiring pseud needs: 4 anyone can fake intelligence when you have a handy collection of facts telling you that the historical Buddha was not a chubster or that there is no sci- entific evidence for photographic memories. I would add to this list only that preferring dark chocolate to milk is not grounds for considering yourself more spiritually enlightened. Cut that out, people, seriously.

Cutaneous Neoplasms Associated with Systemic Syndromes Man, what about those cutaneous neoplasms, am I right? Especially when they’re as- 3 sociated with systemic syndromes? The best. Look, aside from its recurring focus on drugs, there are few other means by which Honi can pander to med students, and I’m doing the best I can to diversify readership.

Collective Nouns A superfluity of nuns. A charm of finches. A drunkenship of cobblers. If this Wikilist doesn’t make you the least bit happier, I’m not 2 angry, just sorry that your life is empty and devoid of meaning or human emotion. There’s no way to counter that cold, hard fact, so don’t embarrass yourself by trying. In fact, the only way I could be more triumphantly right is if there was an ‘80s power ballad playing as you read this.

Phobias Xanthophobia is the fear of the colour yellow apparently. Having only just learned that phobias for something as whimsical as colours exist, I fear 1 I may have wasted my life. (I may be only 23, but that’s ancient in South-East-Asian gymnast years.) Fortunately, the only way in which this list falls short is the absence of any self-indulgent fear that twenty-something year-olds have of wasting their lives, which seems to work in its favour, really. First place.

“I don’t oppose Islam as a country, but I do feel that their laws should not be welcome here in Australia”- Stephanie Banister 7 science @honi_soit Our dope is dope, says report RESEARCH REPORT Australia is number 1 for pot strength say scientists at USYD. A report by Lachlan Munro

The strength of Australia’s marijuana While CBD levels used to be around parents were toking on in the 70s. As One thing that this study does show is compares favourably to that found over- 0.3%, this study found an average of the study states though, “there is little that despite the illegal status of weed in seas, a recent study completed in part at just 0.1% CBD. A similar decrease in research systematically addressing the Australia, we still have access to some of the University of Sydney has shown. CBD levels has been seen in studies of public health impacts of use of differ- the most potent weed in the world. A collaboration between the National pot in the US and UK. ent strengths and types of cannabis”. Drug and Alcohol Research Centre and It has been argued (most vocally by USYD, the study analysed 206 samples pro-legalisation groups) that levels of of marijuana obtained from small scale THC are irrelevant to the safety of mari- seizures. The analysis looked at the con- juana smokers. They have suggested that tent of THC (the main psychoactive people will typically smoke until they’re component in marijuana, responsible as stoned as they want to be: for exam- for most of the drug’s effects) in the ple, a stoner with a joint full of 3% THC bud of the plant, which is the compo- weed might have ten tokes, but the same nent most often consumed, due to its smoker with a spliff of 15% will only high THC content. take two. If this is true then the main The average level of THC in the concern for Australian pot smokers to samples tested was around 15%. This is be taken from this study is the low CBD way up from the THC levels of about levels of what they’re smoking. Research 3% found in typical dope in America in suggests CBD may protect against the 1993, although is about on par with an damaging effects of THC, and a high analysis of US dope from 2008. THC/low CBD ratio is implicated in poorer outcomes for pot smokers. If Cannabidiol (CBD), another compo- we go back to our hypothetical stoner, nent of marijuana, was also analysed in with his 15% weed he’s getting less than the study. Cannabidiol has no psychoac- a 10th of the protective CBD that he’d tive properties, but is of interest because receive smoking the lower THC weed. it’s thought to counteract some of It may be that high THC cannabis Scientists may or may not have turned beakers into bongs for this experiment. THC’s negative effects such as tenden- Cartoon: Bryant Apolonio cies towards psychosis and memory loss. is more harmful than the weed your Would you like diabetes with that? OPINION Georgina Bell defines the myths and realities of having Type 1 diabetes

a broken pancreas they’d be if they exercised more and ate injections or an insulin pump. Children through sugar overload. less. Everyone could do with a bit more are born with a predisposition to dia- While the comments movement and a bit less junk food, but betes and usually see it’s onset in early were harmless and easy it’s not going to help the dead pancre- childhood, though a person can develop to gently correct, they ases of the world. Type 1 at any age. unsettled me. People Myth #3: young diabetics want to On the other hand, Type 2 can be trig- often assume that this hear about your dead relatives. gered by obesity and overeating of sugar illness is somehow my Some of my personal favourite quotes but is also highly genetic. Type 2 doesn’t fault. Or perhaps that run along the lines of, “my great aunt have the same effect on the pancreas I can make it better for lost her big toe and died of that”. These and those suffering from it generally do myself if I had some quotes encapsulate the less harmful, but not have to take insulin shots or be on a self control. This all still ridiculous and borderline entertain- 24/7 insulin pump. The two illnesses are stems from an igno- ing illusion that we actually want to hear separate and have very different causes, rance surrounding the about this. but neither should warrant judgment less common form of from outsiders. this illness – Type 1 dia- I know the general ignorance is not “Were you a really fat kid?” or “You must have eaten so much With Type 2 diabetes on the rise, type cake!” - questions often asked by those with diabetes betes. the fault of anyone in particular, but it is difficult not to get angry at some 1 gets shoved in the same category and a Myth #1: sugar is the In April this year, I posted a status in of the cheap jokes sprawling the inter- lot of guilt and anxiety is being reported cause of diabetes celebration of my chronic illness’s 13th net and general conversation equating in children with diabetes because of birthday. It went something like “This Upon discovering that I am diabetic, food binging to diabetes – one meme the misconceptions. Diabetes organisa- week marks my 13th year of living as a others offer comments such as “Were read: “Billy has 32 candy bars. He eats tions have been advocating, and educat- type 1 diabetic. I will now overindulge you a really fat kid?” or “You must have 28. What does he have now?” To which ing about, the truth of the causes of in chocolate as a big SCREW YOU to eaten so much cake!” It’s equally as tire- the genius memer has answered “Dia- Type 1 through projects such as JDRF’s diabetes.” some for parents to explain to their chil- betes. Billy has diabetes.” While these Truth Awards. It’s important that people Most of the feedback was in ‘like’ dren that they have the chronic illness, jokes are lighthearted and most diabetics understand that diabetics didn’t bring form, no doubt indicating my friends’ but it’s made worse by disapproving simply scroll on past, they do reveal and their illness on themselves. support of me and my ongoing strug- parents and teachers who silently judge perpetuate widespread misconceptions I don’t want a pity party, but diabe- gle with diabetes. However, a few com- them as nutritionally irresponsible. that become tiresome to correct. tes is no piece of cake (pun intended). ments revealed a reluctance to support Myth #2: a healthy lifestyle and good So the facts: While diabetes jokes can be considered choices in food (or any number of other part of a wider brand of humour made the sentiment. “Don’t make it worse for There are two main types of diabe- suggestions) will cure diabetes or lessen at the expense of others, and an insig- yourself!” and “I noticed that you were tes. Type 1 diabetes, making up 10% of the need for medication. nificant minority may warrant a chuckle, diagnosed with diabetes around Eas- diabetes in Australia, is an autoimmune they are generally far from both truth ter… connection?” This dear friend If someone suffers from either type, disease where the pancreas is attacked and comedy. Be nice to people with bro- of mine was insinuating that I, 8 years they probably don’t need you to tell by a virus and stops producing insulin. ken organs. old and at the hands of irresponsible them about the magic cure you saw on There is no cure and the only treatment parenting, may have eaten my way into a health blog or about how much better is dependence on insulin through daily

8 “Yes, I have been in prison. Yes I have been trodden on, but I keep getting up” - Pauline Hanson www.honisoit.com science RESEARCH REPORT Take a trip in Students’ Representative Council, The University of Sydney SRC Elections 2013 South America Postal Voting Andre Fenby tells us about his experiences with ayahuasca In a shack perched on a swamp- alist media’ and other social ills over Application Form edge just outside of town, our shaman, their pre-ayahuasca smoothies and tepid Adele, pours out a cup of muddy liquid mocha lattes. Before long, I was given between puffs of mapacho smoke. I the contacts of a reputable but low-key drink it, lie back, and wait. shaman. An hour or two later, the room is vibrating with Adele’s guttural warbling. POSTAL VOTING Geometric patterns unfold from behind If you wish to vote in the 2013 SRC elections but are unable to her head, which is obscured by a short vote EITHER on polling days Wednesday 25th or Thursday 26th staff decorated with feathers and dead September at any of the advertised locations, OR on pre-polling leaves. day (on main campus) Tuesday 24th September, then you may apply Ayahuasca, a psychedelic tea brewed for a postal vote. from a South American jungle vine and, Fill in this form and send it to: often, a plant containing the psychoac- Electoral Officer tive compound DMT, is a part of many Sydney University Students’ Representative Council South American shamanic traditions. PO Box 794, Broadway NSW 2007. Recently, the popularity of Peru’s Visuals and personal discoveries; aya- ayahuasca ‘retreats’ among travellers huasca is a mecca for young, Australian Please note: postal vote applications MUST BE RECEIVED AND has compelled the Department of For- travellers in South America IN OUR PO BOX by Thursday 22nd of August at 4.30pm or they eign Affairs and Trade to issue a travel Which brings us back to Adele’s hum- will not be considered. No exceptions. warning, partly in response to reports ble cottage. Some time after my second of fraud, theft and sexual assault at the cup, I feel something well up inside me, You may use a photocopy of this form. hands of opportunistic shamans. and barely make it to my bucket before Many, however, experience intense, vomiting a seemingly endless cascade of Name of applicant: transcendental hallucinations and trans- black sludge. There’s so little resistance formative soul-searching. Amongst the it seems to come through rather than Student Card Number: online ayahuasca community are innu- from my physical self. merable testaments to its ‘spiritual’ or Faculty/Year: “Yeah,” laughed a North American ‘healing’ properties, typically ranging drinker when I described it to him later. from healthy respect to cult-like rever- Phone Number: ( ) “We call that Soul ence. Puke.” But is ayahuasca “But is ayahuasca really Email: I collapse into a really that different that different from other trippy praying position, Mobile: from other trippy palms on the floor, drugs, besides its drugs, besides its potency mumbling nonsense I hereby apply for a postal vote for the 2013 SRC elections. I declare potency and associ- and associated rituals?” while Adele’s sing- that I am unable to attend a polling booth on any of the polling ated rituals? ing grows louder. days, OR on the pre-polling day, for the following reason: (please When I first decided to take a cargo I’m sucked in and out of winding tun- be specific. Vague or facetious reasons will not be accepted. the electoral officer boat to Iquitos, a huge, grimy metropo- must under section 20(a) of the election Regulation consider that the stated reason nels, unable to focus on my physical sur- justifies the issuing of a postal vote.) lis on the fringe of the Peruvian Ama- roundings long after the chanting stops zon, it wasn’t with the sole intention of and the ceremony ends. trying it. Regardless, I eventually found But that’s as far as it ever goes. I leave myself in a café surrounded by a mix the next morning happy, if slightly of Western expats, united only in their underwhelmed. unshakable conviction that ayahuasca was The Answer. A 2010 National Drug Strategy Household Survey showed psychedelic Often you could hear students and use in Australia has risen since 2004, war vets alike launching into vague, yet in what the ABC’s 7.30 program earlier passionate tirades about the ‘sensation- this year characterised as a revival of the Signature: ‘flower power era’. While the analogy was overly simplistic, it was a reminder Please send voting papers to the following address: that the reverence with which ayahuasca is approached by an enthusiastic genera- tion of travelers – convinced they can State: Postcode: reach enlightenment for a few thousand Peruvian soles and a plane ticket I require a copy of the election edition of Honi Soit: YES / NO – has parallels in the countercultures of decades passed. For more information contact My experience was unusually tame. For Paulene Graham, Electoral Officer 02 9660 5222 many, drinking ayahuasca will remain a sacred ritual that channels something greater than one’s self. Whether that something is actually ‘soul’ and not just ‘puke’, however, remains a matter of “We call that Soul Puke.” - a post aya- Authorised by P. Graham, SRC Electoral Officer 2013. huasca vom is unavoidable perspective. Students’ Representative Council, University of Sydney Phone: 02 9660 5222 www.src.usyd.edu.au

“I write to recommend that you revoke the appointment of the Hon. Simon Crean MP as Minister” - Julia Gillard 9 feature @honi_soit DEPARtment of corrections Madeleine King scrutinises the art of the tabloid

It slipped silently onto doorstops and in Australia was likely the cause. Perhaps we’re just from a different But is the tabloid tradition enough to newsstands in the early hours of Mon- Sassy former Media Watch host, Jona- press tradition, coaxed into quiescence get The Tele off the hook? Should we be day morning. In hindsight we shouldn’t thon Holmes (also writing in The Her- by a paper history relatively free of the concerned about the neutrality or bias have been surprised. But its brashness ald), agreed: apparently the headlines journalistic antics of our British tabloid of the press during an election (of all caused quite the stir. under current editor Paul ‘Boris’ Whit- cousins. times)? “Finally, you now have the chance to taker were too ‘boring’, Allan is said to Yes. ... KICK THIS MOB OUT.” have complained to Murdoch. And so There’s an academic called Pippa It was The Daily Telegraph’s slap in he was recruited for the election run- Norris who has never failed me in four the face to media objectivity, splashed up. years of media and government educa- across the image of Rudd announcing In the past few days Allan has cer- tion. She’s got a neat – and accurate the date of the federal election. tainly been exercising his creativity. – little description of the role of the Thursday’s front page was a mock-up media in a democracy. And if we’re not poster of every dad’s war comedy genuflecting to democracy during an sweetheart, Hogan’s Heroes. Apparently election, then when are we? Anthony Albanese and disgraced min- It goes something like this. There are ister Craig Thomson had swilled some three functions the media should fulfil German hops together at one point, to facilitate democratic processes: a thus making the photoshopped images watchdog to the powerful and elite, a of the ministers and Rudd into char- civic forum for citizen and bureaucratic acters from the TV show permissible. debate, and a mobiliser of voters. But that was pretty harmless. Although But when you throw a bit of editorial Albo got off rough as Colonel Klink. I bias in the mix, guaranteed the mechan- digress. ics have gone to shit. Sheehan went further to argue that So the issue at question here falls on the attack against Labor was really a the shoulders of all three. Is The Tele masked crusade to debunk the NBN, “Time to Give Them a Kick in the serving a watchdog function? No. Their which apparently threatens the busi- Ballots”, wrote the Daily Star in the lead history of editorial bias against one ness model of News Corp’s broadcast up to the David Cameron/Gordon party is lazy journalism and sermonis- subsidiary, Foxtel. Though as Holmes Brown election, while the Daily Mir- ing, not holding politicians to account- In the days that followed, commen- pointed out, Malcolm Turnbull’s own ror asked “Prime Minister? Really?”, ability. Can it operate as an open civic tators speculated as to why the paper network proposition would be just as accompanied by Cameron’s mock CV forum to debate these issues? No. In had suddenly decided to let the partisan much a challenger, if not more so. (“Hobbies: Cutting public services; plastering its pages with blatant attacks beast loose from its usual (albeit flimsy) Should we be surprised the Tele is tak- rewarding rich and privileged; fox hunt- against the ALP, it stifles the opportu- cage. And it wasn’t because the Gillard ing this line? Not really. I wrote earlier ing; Real life work experience: none.”). nity for alternative perspectives to be bones had finally been picked clean. in Honi about that Stephen Conroy front On the flip side,The Sun – a News Corp aired and thought through. Paul Sheehan, writing in his column page, where he was likened to various production – reworked the famous Will it mobilise voters? Perhaps. And for The Sydney Morning Herald, noted that dictators – Stalin, Castro, Mao, Kim Shepard Fairey poster of Obama into that is dangerous; the caution to take the arrival of the infamous Col Allan – Jong-Un, Mugabe and Ahmadinejad the image of Cameron: “Our Only away from this cautionary tale. erstwhile editor of The New York Post, – in the wake of the proposed media Hope” the front page read. “In Cam- As Jonathon Holmes wrote in The Rupert Murdoch’s unprofitable baby – reform legislation. eron We Trust”. Herald: “Whether Monday’s front page was shaken by Col or stirred by Boris, CARTOON what’s not in doubt is that the Telegraph’s partisanship matters. The election will be won or lost, the pundits tell us, in marginal seats in Queensland and western Sydney. And, as always, the voters that make the difference are not the political tragics who watch Lateline on the ABC and read the poli-bloggers and the proliferating fact-check websites.” These “floating voters”, he writes, are those who still keep up the daily diet of morning radio and popular newspapers. According to independent news site Crikey, The Tele had 150 000 more copies in circulation than its next biggest competitor, The Herald (as of 2010). In Britain, the sheer number of partisan tabloid papers seem to balance each other out. But when The Tele chooses to take up the smack-it-in-your-face, we-have-no-subtlety sword of bias in a relatively tabloid-free media environment, it’s a different story. So, Daily Telegraph: please let us know when you’ve sorted out your teenage insecurities and want to go back to your usual outrageousness and (at least) pre- tension of political neutrality. Until then, we’ve got another month of Col Allan at the helm. Brace your- selves. Cartoon: Mikaela Bartels

10 “A lot of the things I said back then, people are now saying ‘Pauline, you were right” – Pauline Hanson www.honisoit.com feature DEPARtment of corrections my day at villawood Anjali Vishnathawan spoke to some detainees at Villawood

After I visited Villawood Detention he’d slip seamlessly into my group of from time to time: “If we Centre for the first time, I couldn’t friends. Born in Afghanistan, his fam- wanted to make money, sleep for two nights. ily uprooted itself for the first time in we would have stayed in It took me days to come to terms 2000 to escape into Quetta, a small Afghanistan. It is a haven with the fact that I was living in a world town in Pakistan. Hazaras in Quetta for money. But we must filled with cages. The detainees are sur- are regularly gunned down on the answer to God.” They’re rounded by dust, machinery and rings streets so after two years they shifted referring to the opium of barbed wire, surveilled by (practi- again to Iran. He left them there, trav- trafficking. I’m offered cally) antagonistic security personnel. elling alone in and under lorries to the some biscuits. I was expecting to leave filled with a UK where he learnt to speak English. “’Totally lawless,” he aunts. Within the same few minutes, sense of fulfilment, perhaps indigna- In the UK, he learnt kickboxing, went said, “We could not remain neutral and he described anguish of lifting friends’ tion. To console detainees curled up, camping, studied I.T. and worked. the choice was killing or being killed. corpses from the street. It is too easy cold and alone. What I actually saw was Then he told me that one day there We took a third way and left.” to strip asylum seekers of their com- very different. was a knock on his door. He’d been It strikes me, in light of the physically plex lives and cast them as Other to us. Journalists are actively prevented by denied refugee status. and emotionally arduous journeys that Doing so either facilitates apathy or, at the government from entering deten- The British government assured Ali these men and women have made, how worst, justifies our demonization. tion centres, so refugees with histories that Afghanistan had become safe. ridiculous is the assumption that they Asylum seekers are men and women and personalities become mere statis- They promised him some money upon will collapse into an easy chair when of dignity. I find myself at times tics. The image we’re often presented arrival. On both accounts, they lied. they reach our shores, extending an questioning if they were better off in is a caricature: whether they’re cast as Ali escaped Kabul immediately and arm every fortnight to collect welfare extreme danger than wasting away in vicious people smugglers or withering he’s been in Villawood for 8 months. cheques. Mehdi, who is considerably detention where they literally had no prisoners. These pictures invite benign, Another friend deported from the UK wound up, reads my mind. “We want purpose but to sleep and wait, for years paternalistic attitudes from some sec- with him was killed earlier this year. dignity!” he shouts. “We are fighters!” on end. Then I am conflicted about tions of society and from others, I ask him what he thought of the “Going to the embassy and asking what right I have to feel so miserable, resentment. Asylum seekers are rel- perceived “burden” that refugees had for a visa is like asking for the stick just listening to their stories. As I wave egated to the peripheries of discourse. on Australian society. His response to come and hit you.” Ali says, rue- them goodbye through the rings of It becomes all about us. begins as a calm, measured explanation fully, “Come, come! Take me!” He barbed wire, I realise how much I want The last time I went to Villawood, it why this cannot be the case but soon mimes the act. By now, the men have to curl up in a corner myself. was Ramadan. Many of the detainees escalates into an impassioned soapbox worked each other up and pushed me were hungry. I was nervous because, and everyone around begins to listen aside while exchanging horror stories. Mere dil mein jo arman tha, na jane ek this time, I wanted to talk to people “We don’t want free food. We don’t I scrawl furiously for the next 20 mint- sapna tha, about their pasts and most painful want free accommodation. We want ues, trying to get down every word. Main jis gulshan ka piyasa tha, woh sehra memories. Our conversations had hith- freedom!” I held a finger up, hoping They’re speaking in very fast Urdu and se badtar tha. erto been about Indian movies and the that he’d pause while I scribbled down I can’t keep up with translation. Mehdi guards they disliked most. I asked a man his words. Despite his agitation, he and Hussain explain in detail the very The hope in my heart, unbeknown named Ali* what he thought of media complied. By stripping their right to thorny process of getting through the was just a dream, representations of asylum seekers: work, Ali told me, we have imposed “right” channels. I am told of cases I thirsted by that garden which was “The Australian media image is not the burden on ourselves. where sympathetic employees at the worse than any desert! correct,” he said. Another man I spoke to, Hussain, embassy have actually told asylum I urged him to continue. had led a similarly harrowing life. I seekers to “help themselves” and just *Ahmad Ali Jafari [2012] “We are not like that!” had previously tried talking to him on get on a boat, after decades of patience A detainee at Villawood who passed Ali is 22: just a year older than me. Facebook while he was in community and disappointment. The detainees 20/06/2013 He’s spry, youthful and very charis- detention but it was rarely fruitful. confirm what I had always suspected: *Names have been changed matic. If we had met outside Villawood “I’m just in a bigger cage,” he once our insistence on the queue belies the All artwork sourced from The Refu- told me despondently. most basic reality of administrative gee Art Project Today, his outlook is processes in that part of the world. much brighter. Hussain They depend heavily on bribes has been allowed to work or the bureaucrat’s mood. In for the last few weeks. He the off-chance that works out, secured a job almost imme- it is still very far from a smooth diately. As he tells me with process. As a person of Indian glee about the praise his origin, I can understand where boss lavishes on him, Hus- they’re coming from. sain glows. As he talks, he As the evening progresses continually offers me juice, I find myself struggling to fruit, and chocolate which process the worlds they have other visitors have brought offered me a glimpse into. A detainees to break their fast. line from one of my favour- “Why aren’t you eating? You ite childhood novels, A Little should look healthy, not like Princess swims to the fore of a dried twig.” I decline, hav- my mind: “It’s just an accident ing eaten before I left home. that I am not you, and you are “Ok, ok,” he concedes, not me”. Hussain advises me “Have some juice”. not for the first time to get Hussain is joined by a married, echoing my affection- friend, Mehdi who interjects ate and slightly overbearing

“With apologies to my favourites, Nickelback...best heart starter song at the moment is Empire of the Sun..”Alive”.. love it!” - Joe Hockey 11 Nice day for a Red wedding Patrick Horton discovers a marriage of tradition and consumerism in modern China

Late last semester a friend and I of incantations and testaments of love the room, toasting and mumbling Twenty minutes into the toasting I ducked over to Ningbo, a city on Chi- yelled at an unbearable volume, “I do” awkward nihao’s and xie xie’s, I was in- found myself more intoxicated than na’s east coast, to be groosmen at our equivalents were exchanged; the newly- structed to approach only the men in I was comfortable with, carrying two friend’s wedding. Because of the city’s weds locked lips, performed the tradi- the room. I was to offer them cigarettes large glasses (one for beer, one for wine) proximity to Shanghai and its status as a tional three bows, and were whisked off- and fill up their glasses, but only to drink with cigarettes stuffed between my fin- second-tier port city, some Western in- stage for the night’s real entertainment. with women when they approached me. gers, behind my ears and into my pock- fluence is present, but it was described As food was served and alcohol While men monopolised the bar tab and ets. Things only got better from there, to me as “the real China”, somewhere flowed, the host remained the centre of abused the karaoke facilities, women as confusing drinking games and chal- between the glitz of larger cities and less attention as he called out the winning were for the most part reserved and lenges grew more and more complex. developed rural regions. tickets for the evening’s raffle; a lucky deprived of the lax demeanour of their While an overt emphasis was placed During the wedding and the days sur- handful walked away at the end of the male counterparts. on futuristic individualism and lavish rounding it I was struck by an omni- night with microwaves, toasters, kettles My travel companion and I quickly be- lifestyle – which to me seemed represen- scient, almost hyperbolic emphasis on and even an iPhone. Those brave or red tative of a departure from the shackles monetary wealth displayed by my friend enough from drink had their way with “During the wedding and of the equalising force of the old regime and his family. To me it resembled an the karaoke machine, as photographs the days surrounding – there lingered more subtle elements unconscious yet intentional departure from the morning’s more traditional it I was struck by an of tradition and patriarchal dominance. from the historical collectivisation and rituals floated across the screen à la MS The massive screens, the giveaways, oppression that saturated China’s social Powerpoint. omniscient, almost the unearthly MC, the ever-present love sphere and came to a climax at the end A central motif was the bride’s dog, hyperbolic emphasis on hearts: all of these to me were indicative of the last century. a miniature shitzu. Throughout the day monetary wealth displayed of a newfound fixation with marriage- The main ceremony was at the city’s and night the happy bride changed her by my friend and his for-love (as opposed to the historical ar- newest five star hotel, in a dining hall outfit five or six times, to include both ranged marriages driven by social secu- the size of the Quad’s inner courtyard, the traditional Chinese red and a more family.” rity and status), and the ceremony itself complete with a catwalk emblazed with Western-influenced white. Each time seemed partially motivated by a desire roses down the middle, and a cinema- she re-dressed her noble hound fol- came the most highly demanded drink- to express semi-imagined dimensions sized projector screen at centre stage. lowed suit, complete with veil and train. ing partners at the ceremony as the only of wealth. Presented by a flamboyant, blue-se- As the evening continued to croon an- Caucasians in the room. It was here that While some aspects of the ceremony quin-toting host, the proceedings to a other love song or two, an apparently my liver endured its most gruelling as- appeared as over-zealous hypercorrec- non-Chinese speaker resembled a game infinite supply of soft toys were thrown sessment since first semester of uni- tions in compensation for the nation’s show more than anything else. into the crowd. versity. My most common suitors were socialist past, other aspects remained The MC started with a serenade to the Tradition maintains that the bride and 50-60 year-old men, who had lived in firmly rooted in history and tradition. bride- and groom-to-be, cheesier than groom must toast every guest present at pre-reform years. I was perplexed as to Towards the end of the night I was sit- grilled cheese, and then demanded the the ceremony, which becomes quite a why they appeared so keen to drink with ting with the groom and could not help groom have a turn with the mic. Within feat at a wedding of 250 people; hence, a 21-year-old Australian student, but lat- but ask – “What was with all that?” “I minutes the couple were facing each bridesmaids and groomsmen are select- er realised that we were not only novelty don’t know, man”, was all he replied. other hand-in-hand, as sickeningly pink ed partly for sentimental reasons and items to these guests but also, to an ex- Neither do I. love hearts blossomed and erupted on partly for their alleged drinking ability. tent, a display of the groom’s affluence the screen behind them. After a period As I followed the newlyweds around and time spent in Australia. Photo Credit: Patrick Horton ARTS & CULTURE www.honisoit.com religion for a Fasting but not so furious Nice day Red wedding Ezreena Yahya attended SUMSA’s annual Ramadan iftar, and was inspired by the spirit of giving To some, the idea of abstaining from University’s Islamic student community. Photo credit: Ezreena Yahya food, water, smoking and sexual activ- “We would help more students but at ity from dawn to dusk for one month the end of the day, it’s difficult - we’re may seem as an act of deprivation, even still a business,” said Nuri. suffering to the human body. To many Some come back to reciprocate the faithful Muslims around the world how- good deed. “There was this one time ever, fasting during Ramadan is about when this guy came back with at least tasting the hardship endured by the poor $25 worth of Lebanese sweets,” he said. and hungry, and carrying out charity. Though Nuri acknowledged the kind Ziyad Serhan, President of the Syd- gesture, he stressed the hardworking ney University Muslim Students’ As- folk at Uni Brothers “really don’t expect sociation (SUMSA) shared some of his anything in return”. thoughts and reflections withHoni Soit. SUMSA held its annual Ramadan if- “Being in Australia, where we have tar last week, where Ziyad handed over one of the highest standards of living in a mock cheque to the ‘50 cent Cam- the world, it’s easy to feel detached from paign: Feed a Fasting Person’ project the realities faced by our less fortunate by the Global Islamic Mission, a not- brothers and sisters elsewhere,” he said. for-profit organisation dedicated to “Fasting makes you think about and care building orphanages, schools, hospitals, for them.” and mosques. To date, the society has The spiritually-strengthening quality received a grand total of $6051, mostly of fasting should also be acknowledged from anonymous donors – a long way in Ziyad’s opinion. “Food is such an es- from the initial goal set at $1000. sential source of nourishment. To fast is Ziyad stresses that Islam puts empha- to take control of your body and carry sis on giving sincerely without boasting. out self-discipline.” “There’s a Prophetic tradition that says According to the hadith, a collection those who give with their right hand and of traditions containing sayings of the conceal it from their left is the best way Prophet Muhammad, Ramadan is a of giving.” month of blessing and good deeds. One In a society with a deeply consumer- establishment which has done its part to ist culture, food and other indulgences support fasting students for over eight are always in abundance. The perpetual years now is Uni Brothers. About 10 to temptation to give in to our wants and 15 students come to the shop daily dur- desires is one that is near impossible ing Ramadan for a free iftar meal. to resist. As the new moon appeared Owner Nuri Balabanel, with his mus- on August 7, 30 days after it first ap- cular build and slickly combed dark peared, we reflected upon the lessons hair is an ostensibly intimidating figure. we can take from Ramadan – compas- However, he is more than modest about sion, thanksgiving generosity and a will the contributions of his business to the to better ourselves.

Wailing Wall: God and graffiti CAMPUS ART BEFORE AFTER As students passed through the graffiti tunnel on Thursday morning they were greeted by a bizarre new scene depicting a dick-headed priest ejaculating the words “Fuck the EU” from his forehead (referring to the University’s biggest religious club, the Evangelical Union). Christians called it “grossly offensive”, atheists praised it as revenge for the EU’s pros- elytising and omnipresent ‘YourGod’ week advertising. Everybody else was just goddamn confused. But it didn’t last, and the unknown artist had their work dramatically transformed, like a transub- stantiated wafer. A counter attack left the original graffiti graffitied: the protruding forehead phallus censored, replaced by a biblical quote.

Photo credit: Cameron Caccamo Photo credit: Stella Ktenas

“The boats started under Kevin Rudd ...” 13 music @honi_soit No swearing in Church PROFILE Jeremy Elphick survived an interview with Steve Kilbey, frontman of The Church

There are few people who could get Despite viewing himself as a very ots look with their haircuts’, but at the at the time. I was jealous of those doing away with the saying “I’ve probably introspective and inward-looking fig- time it was very hard to resist this in the better than I was and contemptuous of written more songs than any other Aus- ure, Kilbey poignantly asserted that he industry.” those doing worse than me.” tralian songwriter and I’ve got to be “learned more from Grant than I’ve Mutual resistance, however, wasn’t Kilbey reflected, “I wanted to live in up there in the world rankings some- ever learned from anybody else.” enough for The Church to consider my own very dark corner and didn’t where”, but with Steve Kilbey, you The Australian music scene in the working with other Australian groups want anybody coming in there.” know he’s not exaggerating. 80s, and the association The Church With almost sixty albums under his has with the scene, is something that belt, lead singer of The Church (who deeply bothers Kilbey. “People always penned ‘Under the Milky Way’ Kilbey say to me ‘you’re from the 80s’ – I fuck- has plenty of room to reflect as he ing hated the 80s – what it represented, begins rehearsals for a series of shows its aesthetic, and its music – I really with the Sydney University Symphony fucking hated the 80s.” Orchestra. It seems like a lot of this is integral to Kilbey considers his relationship the Australian scene at the time, where with Grant McLennan, the late co- again, The Church were very much lon- founder of the Go-Betweens, “a real ers. “The way we kept the band together eye-opener”, marking a shift in his was by hating everybody else.” approach to song writing to this day, in “There was very much a blokey, a way, highlighting the degree to which pub-rock – a Chisel, ‘Barnesy’ kind of one person can completely shift the thing.” At the same time, the Church way another perceives what they do. were under a constant imperative to “I often think, when I’m writing change, with their refusal heavily con- something, what would Grant do? How stricting where their career could go. would he sing this? What kind of lyrics “It’s easy to look back on the 80s and would he write?” say ‘look how stupid these fucking idi-

high brow Review of R. Kelly’s major work, Low Brow Trapped in the Closet, pts. 1-33 Bryant Apolonio once spent a Saturday night watching the entire thing because it’s great and his life is cool

Trapped in the Closet (Books 1-3) has for example: I have even a hard time sympathising divorce his personal problems from his no co-writers or backup vocals. It was She says “Are you okay?” “Yes” with Sylvester’s own plight) – all caught music – how did he write the remix to conceived, written, directed, and recited up in their own webs of artifice. ‘Ignition’ of all things if that weren’t “Do you need anything?” “No” solely by Robert S. Kelly (R. Kelly). He’s also a funny guy. There’s a par- the case? “Well, I baked you a pie” “Mmm” Trapped in the Closet (henceforth abbre- ticularly tense moment early on when Whole essays could be written about viated to TitC) is 33 chapters long and “Your favorite: Cherry” the police officer, Sgt. James, who is TitC, but they haven’t been and prob- unfinished. (TitC, Ch. 8, Bk. 1) having an affair with Sylvester’s wife ably won’t be except by me. It isn’t and It was written between 2005 and The protagonist, Sylvester, is based Gwendolyn, accuses his own wife of was never meant to be the most subtle 2012. It’s approximately as long as a on Kelly himself but it is the narratorial infidelity. or complex work. long-ish novella or a feature length film. persona (also Kelly) that, I think, pulls He marches around the kitchen, look- It’s farcical, it’s lowbrow. Accessible TitC is an epic poem with an iconic the whole thing together. ing for the culprit, as his wife bursts while being totally alien. R. Kelly is E minor beat, that drips like faulty Distanced and wise, but neverthe- into tears. He finds a midget under his an utter genius who knows what his plumbing but flows. TitC is a landmark less down-to-earth; Kelly-as-narrator sink named “Big Man” who she met at people want and delivers. Thirty-three of R&B, ‘hip-hopera,’ that so often dis- is a benevolent, good-vibes, kind of a strip club and she suspects fathered times and counting. missed genre. It’s really very good. man-of-the-people bro. And though his her child. Sgt. James points his gun at It’s a tale of love, betrayal, crime, and real life personality leaves much to be Big Man’s head while his wife takes out sex. It borders on Chaucerian fabliau desired – sort of fills me with a wincing a shotgun and aims at her husband. with its focus on bawdy remixes of despair – he will always have this. At this point Sylvester and his brother lower middle-class Americans, their Kelly-as-narrator never speaks down Twan (who has just been released from caricatured relationships (the protago- to the characters – some of whom we prison that day, who has his own com- nist’s affair with the pastor’s wife etc., can hardly empathise with (Rosie the plicated sub-plot) burst into the house the police officer’s wife, shotgun in nosy neighbour, Lucius “the pimp,” waving berettas. Ludicrous. 100%, god- hand, confessing she’s “in love with a Bridget the southern belle. None of damn insane. And absolutely inten- midget” etc.), their trivial conversations, them are particularly endearing. Hell, tional. Kelly knows this is funny because while he romanticises it, he also happily parodies a life of casual sex and minor crime. R. Kelly, admittedly, is a beleaguered individual. He’s a man who’s been tried for assault and arrested for (but cleared of) sex with minors. Among other things. And yet (you can make of this what you will) he’s also a man who can

14 “We value freedom! We believe in liberty and freedom! That is how you understand Australia!” - Christopher Pyne www.honisoit.com culture

Masturbation drains RETRO REVIEW the body of its living forces Michael Rees belatedly reviews The Doctor Says, a booklet from 1942 by Dr Stewart MacColl “Life has been aptly described as a tion”, impurity, emerges when a young First, this feeds his desire to “abuse claim that masturbation is verifiably “in- battle; it is, therefore, vital to know our man “becomes conscious of the pres- himself ” by “draining the body of its jurious”, MacColl suggests that it results enemies, and to be prepared to face ence of his organs of reproduction”. living forces”. Unable to evidence his in “impaired memory” and “loss in the them squarely when they attack. How- power of concentration”. ever mankind differs in other respects Even worse, it erodes one’s “strength we have this in common – we are all of soul”. The second (and ‘more dan- tempted, and the master temptation is gerous’) development, is the urge to the direction of impurity.” have sexual intercourse. Rest assured The Doctor Says is a 1942 sexual health that, “whatever the character of the booklet educating young men about women may be” (remember, homo- how to deal with life’s temptations. The sexuality hadn’t been invented yet), “the foreword itself is a marvel. Written by consequences are disastrous”. Lieutenant C. Bjelke-Peterson (uncle of After the “unclean touch” of sexual renowned crypto-fascist Joh), it praises intercourse outside of marriage, Mac- the book’s author Dr MacColl for his Coll claims that, in his medical experi- “fight against one of the most treach- ence, “80 per cent” of people contract erous and destructive enemies of our venereal disease. The abstinent, how- society – sex impurity”. Bjelke-Petersen ever, “excel in physical and mental en- knows these vices well. ergy, and have come to the fore in life’s With over 40 years of experience as struggle”. a “physical culturalist” (whatever that Fear not. MacColl offers simple so- is), he recalls many young men who had lutions to “reducing temptation” and “squandered” the fortune of the “Bank avoiding “sin’s deceptive art”. Some of of Vitality” through “impure” acts. them appear obvious to the modern Impurity is the subject of MacColl’s reader. It is now common knowledge extensive pamphlet. The Doctor Says that “statues of naked and half-naked begins with the observation that the figures” and “novels and newspapers of “blackest pages in history” and the “vil- the ‘spicy’ brand” induce temptation. est degradations from which human life Additionally, one might avoid “the has ever suffered” are “connected with company of those who delight in tell- sex”. He warns that, if we are not vigi- ing filthy yarns and details of their own lant, temptation will make a “shipwreck immoral practices”. Regardless of your of our lives”. preferred solution to the master temp- It is an astounding claim, but one that tation of impurity, I’m sure that you’d MacColl is easily able to substantiate. agree that Dr MacColl sounds like a real He explains that the “master tempta- wanker.

Not forever young TELEVISION REVIEW Sean O’Grady knows that Skins isn’t true, although he once wished it were

Skins probably carries a dispropor- enth and final series, it struck a nostalgic captialist fantasy, she is undone by in- misspent as misconceived, it occurs to tionate amount of blame for the mis- chord that led me first to Pirate Bay and sider trading and a torrid affair. We find me that the brilliance of the show lies guided expectations that plagued my then to Skins Redux. Cassie adrift and working a dead-end in showing us how hollow the life of a adolescence. The stories of ten lost The seventh series changes radically in job in London. And Cook is a drug romanticised fuck-up might have been. teenagers stumbling through a life of structure from the original incarnation dealer in Manchester. However, there is still a latent part of booze, drugs and sex became for me of the show. The 10-episode seasons, As I watch the show and reflect on me that idealises the charming (read: what Holden Caulfield was to genera- each focusing on a different character, teenage years that were not so much sociopathic womaniser) Tony from tions prior – emblems of escape from are replaced by a six-episode season, Seasons One and Two, who could stay a world that seemed interminably grey. with two episodes allotted to three of out all night and still get near-perfect Escape that might have been mine the cast members from the first and sec- grades. Skins was never subtle. The dia- had I ever thought to look up from be- ond generations. Effy (Seasons 1-4) is at logue was bad, the plot contrived and hind my computer screen and go look- the centre of Skins Fire, Cassie (Seasons the characters were reflections rather ing for it. I sat, and waited, for a manic 1-2) of Skins Pure and Cook (Seasons than humans. pixie dream girl trope to recognise me 3-4) stars in Skins Rise. In hindsight, it is not the sex and par- for the tortured soul I was and whisk We find Effy working as a secretary tying through which I lived vicariously me away. in a London Hedge Fund; by night that made the series good. Rather, it is Then I grew up. The writing of Skins she studies charts and reports that she the hammer that co-creator Jamie Brit- got shit (in all likelihood it was shit to brings home from the office. She lives tain takes to the folly of youth that re- begin with and just got shitter) and I with Naomi (also of seasons three and veals the hollow and fragile nature of moved on. But when I read somewhere four) who drinks, smokes weed, and pure hedonism that gives the series an that one of the two creators, Jamie Brit- doesn’t pay the rent. emotional drive in spite of its many tain, had returned to the show for a sev- As Effy tries to live out her hyper- flaws.

“I will give you a big scoop - I have had a beer and been to the footy with Joe Hockey as well” - Anthony Albanese 15 culture @honi_soit high brow Art is in the eye of the player Low Brow Sam Murray looks at how choice (and the illusion of it) is redefining videogames Videogames, by definition, have more linear game, the experience is like passion, rage, sorrow and even guilt for player being condemned by the world always had an element of choice within watching a film with playable segments. choices made. It is one thing to see your and lead to a ‘Bad’ ending of moral cor- them. After all, interactivity separates However, when plot-relevant decisions avatar express regret for decisions that ruption, in exchange for being more games from other, more passive forms are left to the player then not only does the writer foisted upon them and you, powerful as measured by better game- of entertainment. But what is extraor- the player feel like the protagonist is an but when it was your own free will that play performance. Alternatively, a player dinary is the recent advent of games extension of themselves and their own resulted in such actions, that adds so could handicap their ability to use such incorporating choice into their narra- values and principles, but said deci- much more impact to the emotion, inex- augmentations by using more conven- tional weaponry instead of cooler weaponry, be hailed as a savior and earn a ‘good’, more homely and emotionally satisfying ending, by saving said children. Alternatively, the Walking Dead video- game adaptation eschewed the standard violent nature of combat for a more dialogue and choice inspired approach to gameplay. While such choices in the game don’t substantially change the way the storyline develops, the illusion of such choice means that when players first play the game they feel that the story is their own. As such, the choices the player makes are so much more meaningful and immersive; whether it be stealing a car full of supplies, choos- ing who to try and save or even simply distributing limited rations in a certain way. Consequently, the game was praised as being the greatest critical success of 2012, and has been hailed as the first modern prototype of games truly being ‘Welcome to Rapture’, or, Welcome to difficult decision making about children and morality a form of art in their own right. Choice, and the way that the player grapples with tives and character arcs in order to say sions are more meaningful as the player tricably tying the player to the character it, will continue to be critical in the way something meaningful either about the is fully aware of the context, difficulty in a way that film or literature could that any artistic potential that video- human condition, the wider world or and predictive consequences of making never achieve. games is realised. Even months later, I even about the genre of videogames them. Do you take mercy on the enemy For instance, BioShock, a shooter set in still feel guilty about stealing that car. themselves. Consequently, this evolving who just tried to kill you, or do you finan Objectivist-inspired underwater ste- role of choice is contributing to the slow ish them off such that they’ll never be ampunk utopia, broke ground with the but sure advancement of videogames as a threat again? Do you betray a trusted way it merged story choice with game- a contested form of art. ally to further advance your own cause, play preference. A player could advance The critical role of choice is ulti- or do you stay loyal regardless of the themselves in the game through geneti- mately a very simple one: it allows the consequences? cally augmenting themselves; a process player to completely and totally immerse Choice allows videogames to go that required the performance of mor- Choose Your Own Adventure novels: not themselves with the protagonist. When beyond merely a passive experience to ally heinous acts against children, and videogames, but they still require great the protagonist makes decisions in a an active one, with videogames evoking this gameplay style would result in the moral fibre

A brave new world for Civ 5 GAME REVIEW John Gooding bought the expansion, and approves When Civilization V first came out in cities. However, this problem has largely Museum with the Elgin Marbles, tell adorn Civilization V with shiny baubles, 2010, it was pretty terrible. For a game been solved in the latest expansion, them to suck it up. it also fixes someunderlying problems in that was meant to simulate the rise and Brave New World. In addition to the pre- Too often expansions only serve to order to rebalance the game. fall of the world’s greatest civilisations, vious penalties, each city now also pro- squeeze any last dregs of revenue from it left a whole lot of stuff out. For vides a flat penalty to your research. It a game. Brave New World doesn’t just instance, there was no religion, no real seems like a fairly arbitrary mechanic, simulation of or reference to imperial- but nonetheless it succeeds in nerfing ism, and no espionage. ICS and incentivising the player to build The biggest problem, however, was fewer, better-developed cities. Infinite City Sprawl, or ICS. Because Another new feature is archaeology, the major penalties that came with each which provides some reference to the new city could be so easily overcome or imperial era. You can send archaeolo- ignored, the best tactic was to just keep gists to dig up ancient ruins and send building cities until the map was full. any treasures found to your empire, Dozens of shitty, generic, low popula- where they provide a bonus to your tion cities dotted every piece of land in culture and tourism. If you took arte- every game. facts from another civilisation’s terri- The previous expansion introduced tory they may order you to stop stealing religion and espionage, but in doing so their cultural heritage. At this point you Someone probably stole Ghandi’s Elgin Marbles provided even more incentive to spam can either apologise or, like the British

16 “I’m not going to be quizzed by you on rubbish,” - Clive Palmer, when asked the name of his candidate for Lyne. www.honisoit.com

Help for Students with a Ask Abe Disability & Student Carers Dear Abe, Did you know the university has support and to lobby the university for I am currently staying with my girlfriend in her parents’ a service to assist students with a carer rights. Anyone is welcome to the house. Her parents are really lovely, but I think it is caus- disability to access reasonable meetings and they have a Facebook ing a strain in all of our relationships. I moved out of adjustments in managing their page. f/USYDdisabilities.carers my house because things were really awful there. Do you studies? Website: srcusyd.net.au/ disabilitiesandcarers know if there is cheap housing available through the uni- Disability Services works closely Email: [email protected]. versity? with the university’s administration edu.au and faculties to support students with Strained a disability whether it be physical, sensory, intellectual or psychological. Do you need special consideration? If you find that your health is causing Special consideration is different to Dear Strained, and another 40 are through STUCCO, the student housing co-operative. They problems with your studies in an a disability plan. If you are not able to I am sorry to hear that things are awful in on-going way or that you are repeatedly complete an assessment due to your will be increasing that number in the your home. If it is because of physical, applying for Special Consideration for disability, this should be accommodated next few years. In terms of emergency emotional or sexual violence you may be your condition, Disability Services may by you disability plan. If you are not or temporary housing while you’re try- eligible for Youth Allowance (Unreason- be able to help you. Check out their able to complete an assessment due ing to get somewhere permanent to able To Live At Home). Alternatively if website to see if you are eligible and to an unexpected exacerbation of an stay you can talk to SRC Help for some existing condition, or an illness or you are over 22 years you would also be how to register: http://sydney.edu.au/ ideas. This way you can preserve your stuserv/disability/website misadventure that has nothing to do considered “independent”. Hopefully relationship with your girlfriend and her Disability Services are located with your disability you are able to that will help with your finances. ask for special consideration. As with parents. within Student Support Services.Level The University does have some low rent all Special Consideration requests, Abe 5, Jane Foss Russell Bldg (G02), City beds available but not very many. 40 are Rd, Darlington Campus make sure you get a specific additional Professional Practitioner’s Certificate administered through the housing unit on the day of your assessment show Are you a carer of someone with a how severely affected you were, and The Ask Abe column has been a feature in Honi Soit since 2001. During that time, Abe, the disability? how you were affected, eg, unable to do SRC’s welfare dog has provided advice to students about Centrelink problems, academic appeals, exam or attend a lab. accommodation situations, shortages of money, University procedures and a variety of other situations. The SRC Disabilities & Carers Unfortunately on 21st June, 2013, Abe died. He was a few months short of his 18th birthday, and had Collective meets regularly to provide lived a grand life, full of adventure and love. While the SRC is sad to have lost such a wise and insightful student carers with information and canine, we will continue to produce this column in his memory. If there are any questions you would like to ask send an email to: [email protected]. textbooks CHEAP! Don’t pay full price for textbooks... GAME REVIEW buy them at SRC books.

• We buy & sell textbooks according to demand Search for text books online NEW Location! Level 4, Wentworth Bldg (Next to the International Lounge) • You can sell your books on consignment. www.src.usyd.edu.au/default.php Hours: Mondays to Fridays 9am - 4.30pm Please phone us before bringing in your books. Call 02 9660 4756 to check availability Phone: (02) 9660 4756 • We are open to USYD students & the public and reserve a book. Email: [email protected]

“He said my name tens of times... there were more important things to discuss than remembering name games,” - Candidate Troy Wilkie, on the infamous name slip 17 SRC @honi_soit President’s Report [email protected] David Pink points out what the SRC has done for you lately

Students had two big for progression requirements, but won’t attract will not necessarily be tied to wins at last week’s Aca- have any mark recorded or have any assessment results, but will be deter- demic Standards and effect on WAMs. mined at the discretion of the Faculty. Policy committee. If its There was consensus in the com- recommendations are mittee that to continue to give a mark This took place in the context of a adopted by the Aca- of 0 for Discontinue Fails would only review of grades – a particularly con- demic Board: create a perverse incentive for people tentious discussion was over whether or to Absent Fail (and therefore not seek not Absent Fails (where a student misses help from the university, but simply fail 1. Absent fails will an exam, or does not submit an assess- to hand in assessments). As a result, no longer count as ment) should continue to attract a mark Discontinue Fails will still affect pro- a 0, instead a mark of 0. The SRC argued very strongly gression requirements (meaning the between 0 and 49 will that a mark of 0 was a disproportion- university can help students stay on be recorded. ate and harsh penalty, especially because track), but they will not mean a black it could potentially knock someone out mark on a student’s WAM. of Honours because of one subject 2. Discontinue fails on their transcript. Under the new sys- will continue to count tem the exact mark an Absent Fail will

“Hey, that’s me up there, I’m the President!” - David Pink General Secretary’s Report [email protected] Dylan Parker spelt ‘Elly’ wrong a couple of times. But who will ever notice, right?

Recently David, the SRC’s Solicitor, tance. Chitra in building upon this initial win our Admin Manager and I had our reg- Established in 2010 by then President for students. ular SRC legal service board meeting so Eli Howse and VP Phil Boncardo, the As General Secretary this year, there I thought it worth was worth giving you SRC Legal Service broke new ground has been no greater joy than work- an run down on all things legal. for student associations across the ing with our amazing staff and hear- If you weren’t already aware, the SRC country. Where previously the SRC ing about the awesome work they do. is in the unique position that we pro- contracted out to Redfern Legal Service That’s why I am pleased to write, that in vide a free, in house free legal service. for a fee by setting up our own service, 2013 I am pleased to say that David and Our lawyers are both willing and able to Eli and Phil were able to provide a more I have delivered the most funding to our provide not only initial advice but even expansive service for students at smaller SRC legal service yet bringing the total represent you in court. They’re able to price tag. to $110,000 dedicated to representing provide advice and assistance on a wide This year David and I as directors of students. This will mean an additional range of topics ranging from speeding the legal service have had the pleasure day of legal access on campus each and infringements to immigration assis- of working with Annie, Maggie, and every week.

[email protected] Education Officer’s Report Tenaya Alattas can’t forgive the Public Order and Riot Squad The violence that occurred on the weeks, without any police response to the violence the picketers experi- August I think it is important to stress five days of industrial action at the Uni- whatsoever. enced. And this is not to say that this that there can be no dialogue with the versity of Sydney last semester will not Another consequence of the police violence is not new; it is only that for threat of violence. The VC is terri- soon be forgotten: police deployments violence is that the original political many of us, it has remained invisible at fied of losing control in his ability to by the administration effectively milita- message - in the case of the students, the University of Sydney. The ‘scuffle’ undermine the working conditions rized our campuses; picketers (students the project of defending the rights of is the reappearance on campus of what of staff, ‘welcomes the assistance’ of and non-students alike) were arrested en staff through strike action—has been the NSW police and the Public order the police presence on campus and is masse; a staff member suffered internal drowned out by discussions about “vio- and Riot Squad (PORC) do every day ready to turn the riot police on anyone damage to her liver; a students head was lence,” about who gets to be a “good” to poor people — without video cam- who dares to raise their voice in pro- stomped on, community members/ or a “bad” protester. The former was eras (or I-phones) present, without test. But this isn’t dialogue with the riot union representatives were beaten and the student caught up in the heat; the stories in the Guardian or letters from police in the background, as they form maimed by punitive riot cops; and there latter was the ‘outside agitator’ or pro- concerned faculty. And at USYD too a line, smirk, slip on their leather gloves was also the emotional wounds, the psy- fessional protestor who knew what to the handcuffs, capsicum spray, pistols, and tell us to “get ready for the beat chological trauma that lingers long after say (or what not to say) when ques- horses, vans and those creepy leather down”. However, I refuse to smother the physical bruises have healed. All this tioned by the police. My point here is gloves have became an extension of the my rage, cover my wounds and smile because students, staff and community that whether ‘good’ or ‘bad’ protester bureaucratic violence of the adminis- as I submit to further exploitation. I members held picket lines in order to the police were interested in the poten- tration. hope to see you at the picket lines 7 refuse the privatization of their uni- tial violence on the picket as opposed With the next strike on the 20th of am, August 20th. versities, as do students in Europe for

18 “On a filing cabinet is a picture of Julia Gillard beside the phrase “Flying Start”. The first letter of each word has been crossed out.” - In Christopher Pyne’s office “You can’t do it with a completely open cheque book.” - Barnaby Joyce on paying for refugees to be flown from Christmas Island to attend family funerals www.honisoit.com SRC [email protected] International Student Officers’ Report Jay Ng & Bowie Yau update you on keeping safe in Sydney

Welcome (back) to the second semes- when walking alone in the dark. Please vices. the break. It was an insightful event and ter everyone. be aware that listening to devices such For more information, check out the we would like to welcome their new as MP3 players or talking on phones City of Sydney flyer. president, Thomson Ch’ng. Our collec- may be distracting and hinder your abil- tive has been working with Mr. Ch’ng Safety Issues http://www.cityofsydney. ity to be aware of dangers in your own and he is the best and professional can- nsw.gov.au/__data/assets/ We would like to inform you about environment. If you are on campus at didate to represent all international stu- pdf_file/0016/142234/5979- a serious attack and robbery last week night and feel unsafe, you can contact dents. CISA is a non-profit organization International-Student-Safety-Web-Safe- in Perth. A Japanese international stu- our campus security (phone no.). Walk that aims to unify and help all interna- PDF_72DPI_FA1.pdf dent was threatened with a knife by in well-lit and regularly used areas of the tional students. If you are interested in two offenders and was badly beaten at campus, as well as using the free shuttle connecting with them and joining their 6:20pm, as he was walking home. bus to and from Redfern Station. If you Council of International Students events such as International Students As it is still winter time, sunsets really have experienced physical danger or Australia Leadership Program, check out cisa.edu. early, pay special attention to any sus- threats, please do not be afraid to con- The international students collective au. picious activities or people around you tact to the police or other relevant ser- has attended the CISA conference over

Women’s Officers’ Report [email protected] Hannah Smith reports on the collaborations between QuAC and women’s collective

Hi everyone! This year some women’s aged by University of Melbourne’s net- harassment, assault and reproductive collective members and myself have work- which features the weekly “Ladies rights. In addition, Queer organizing is been working with women from Queer who lunch with Ladies” event as well often heavily focused on men’s experi- Action Collective (QuAC) and the as UNSW’s network featuring the “No- ences- take for example the marriage USU’s Queer programs department on homers club” and the “feminist queer equality campaign- it often focuses starting a Queer Women’s Network. book club”. heavily on white, cis-gendered men. We started last semester with an after- Some of you may be wondering why Since neither women’s nor queer noon tea in Verge gallery with approxi- it’s necessary for queer women to have spaces often provide enough time, space mately 50 women in attendance. It was their own network/space at the univer- and resources for queer women, some- a great opportunity for queer women to sity. We have active, inclusive women’s times it is necessary to create an autono- get to know each other and talk about collectives and queer collectives- isn’t mous space. what they would like in a university that enough? The network is still in it’s infancy, but based network. We are now looking Some queer women who are active many of the women involved so far towards a movie and pizza night, and in both circles will be able to tell you envision a well-resourced, active and eventually having regular meetings simi- that often women’s organizing can ori- social network that provides a safe space lar to women’s collective or QuAC. ent towards hetersexual, cis-gendered for queer women at Sydney University. We have been inspired and encour- experiences- particularly on issues like

Vice President’s Report [email protected] Amelie Vanderstock gives you the inside word on what the collectives are up to and how to get involved As second semester brings its usual ognize carers’ needs! Queer collective is tion- for everyone, not profit. This interested in organising, brainstorming array of new courses, readings and frantically, and fantastically prepping for coincides with the USYD strike-support ideas, learning some gardening skills, or lab demonstrators, with it comes a Pride festival in Week 8, building a cam- staff, don’t go to class! It would have finding out more, feel free to contact me refreshed and active SRC! Returning pus ally network and seeking identifying been difficult to miss Tuesday’s canvas on 0413679269 or by email at vice.presi- from winter conferences around the writers for Queer Honi! Womens collec- and color on Eastern Ave, as students [email protected]. country, office bearers and collectives tive will be hosting ‘Knightess’ –show- from varying faculties, collectives and Too much happening to remem- have met, planned and crafternooned casing the talents of USYDs incredible interests painted banners expressing our ber? Stay updated and get organized to build campus campaigns. If collective women-identifying performers in Week reason’s & asks’s for education reform. by picking up an A1 SRC Semester 2 didn’t fit into your timetable 1st semes- 7. We’ll then be reclaiming the streets ‘Funding education, not deportation’ to planner from an Honi stand or the SRC ter- perhaps now is the chance? From from sexual violence in late October for recognition of student carer’s - there’s office- collective meetings and events feminism to global solidarity- many like- the annual ‘Reclaim the night’ march. a myriad of ways that we can improve included!!! minded folk are coming together to cre- As part of the ‘fossil free universities’ education for all. ate change on and off campus; campaign, Environment collective par- Looking for even more ways to Anti-racism collective are participat- ticipated in a city-wide ‘divestment’ engage on campus and meet some rad ing in weekend-ly refugee rallies across training on Sunday- joining Doctors for people of diverse interests? Why not the city to demonstrate broad student the Environment and other groups who join the community garden collective? outcry against the inhumane and out- are seeking to withdraw financial ties In a collaborative SRC endeavour, we rageous PNG solution. The Indig- between coal, CSG and our respective sketched and imagined our ideal campus enous officers have been celebrating institutions. Join the Thursday discus- workshop-garden on Sunday- a space NAIDOC week whilst planning for the sion group on ‘divestment’ and watch for domestic and international students National Indigenous Tertiary Student out for some colorful campus actions to to share knowledge about native and Games in September. Disabilities and learn more! food plants, get our hands dirty and Carers collective are busy compiling an The Education Action Group (EAG) hang out. We’ve come a long way from info-booklet for Carers week in Octo- are working towards the National Day guerrilla gardening in Eastern Ave- now ber, and are calling for student carers to of Action (NDA) on the 20th of August- with a space and ongoing dialogue with complete the online survey. By filling it where students around the country Campus infrastructure and the Centre in and passing it on, we can compile use- coordinate rallies, marches and creative for English teaching and learning- but ful stats to pressure the university to rec- campaigning on the value of Educa- there’s much room for growth! If you’re

“On a filing cabinet is a picture of Julia Gillard beside the phrase “Flying Start”. The first letter of each word has been crossed out.” - In Christopher Pyne’s office “You can’t do it with a completely open cheque book.” - Barnaby Joyce on paying for refugees to be flown from Christmas Island to attend family funerals 19 puzzles @honi_soit fin

QUICK CROSSWORD Across Down

1. Baroque composer (4) 1. All-you-can-eat location (6) 3. Bearer of axe-like weapon (10) 2. Group of singers (5) 10. Be in a state of anger (5,2,3,5) 4. Section of 2-dn (4) 11. Mistakes (6) 5. Decapitations (10) 12. Inappropriate The Rivals character? (8) 6. French Baroque composer (6) 14. Violin bow component (9) 7. Anti-inflammatory (9) 16. Thick curled hairdo (4) 8. Better known name of flunitrazepam (8) 19. Behaves (4) 9. Having a milk-like colour (7) 20. Conceiving of (9) 13. Small mushroom (10) 23. Having a pleasant scent (8) 15. Fond of being outside (9) 24. Faux pas (6) 17. Tragic flaw (Greek tragedy) (8) 27. Admit defeat (5,2,3,5) 18. Daughter of Spanish monarch (7) 28. Of old Ethiopia (10) 21. Sharia rulings (6) 29. Percussion instrument (4) 22. Mental hospital (6) 25. Smaller amount of a count noun (5) 26. Islamic branch (4)

Janice

Use the shaded letters to answer the riddle SECOLV Wham, Bam Anagram! Easy LEIOPT

H a r d CRIHB Easy

TRAIPE H a r d Q: What do you use to get a ghost to lie perfectly flat? A: A “ ” Janice

Across Down CRYPTIC CROSSWORD

1. This publication sounds like supplicatory pose? (4) 1. Multiheaded monstrosities pose persistent problems 3. Emptier freedom for compilers to describe signa- (6) ture of Dickinson gift? (4,6) 2. One who calls coiner (5) 10. Dajabon or Santo Domingo rose as clue (9,6) 4. Relay election (4) 11. Even water rainfly will vaporise (6) 5. Homophonic 29-ac or 27-ac singularly disrupt mod- 12. Odd peelings in Parisian black chiffon garment (8) ern gene (10) 14. Tear canvas of aquatic public utility (9) 6. Assert claim (6) 16. Ova barracks (4) 7. Intricately embroidered at home and beaten (9) 19. Womaniser’s comb (4) 8. 1-ac editor occasionally beheaded bomber (8) 20. Cripple, I hear you dined an hour after nine? (9) 9. Confused sea fund, like 1-ac’s 27-ac? (7) 23. Sham plug moves clumsily! (8) 13. Erotic show to stoic whore?! (10) 24. Batter blueberry waffle without blurry ewe stump 15. Bless Serb after basic antacid (9) (6) 17. Folded Sir and Amigo paper cranes (8) 27. 1-ac’s occasional puzzle credit worryingly baits into 18. Hear queue, and stand there with one who hails truism (15) from Persian Gulf (7) 28. Contrite Kentish town an apology 3-ac (5,5) 21. Smile, Noel, with your archaic forge (6) 29. Flail to drop a novice blunder (4) 22. Saw eel beguile small mammal (6) 25. Fleet blown aloft (5) Janice 26. Skilled can (4)

20 Pauline Hanson: “I’m the readhead you can trust.” fin Fed Up THE

Down LGBTI 1. All-you-can-eat location (6) Groups 2. Group of singers (5) 4. Section of 2-dn (4) at the major political parties, 5. Decapitations (10) OIN Launch Ridgewood explained. 6. French Baroque composer (6) S “It comes with a clear message: 7. Anti-inflammatory (9) New if the incoming government 8. Better known name of flunitrazepam (8) could just pass the damn law 9. Having a milk-like colour (7) already, everyone would be really 13. Small mushroom (10) Marriage happy because we’d never have 15. Fond of being outside (9) to waste our time talking about 17. Tragic flaw (Greek tragedy) (8) such a boring, outdated social Campaign institution again.” 18. Daughter of Spanish monarch (7) 21. Sharia rulings (6) With the federal election rap- “For God’s sake, our diverse 22. Mental hospital (6) idly approaching, a coalition of community faces inadequate health services, next to no pro- 25. Smaller amount of a count noun (5) LGBTI groups has come together for a new campaign to push for tection under the law, high job 26. Islamic branch (4) marriage equality, ‘Can You Peo- insecurity, and little recognition ple Just Legislate This Shit So outside of the major cities. Let’s We Can Move On Please’. focus on that.” At the campaign launch in Syd- Ridgewood also directed a clear Use the shaded letters to answer the riddle ney last night, chief organiser assurance to the Australian pub- Susan Ridgewood said that the lic. SECOLV community were trying some- “We wholeheartedly promise thing new. that if the government legislated “After groups tossing around for marriage equality, we wouldn’t years with mushy slogans like bring up engagements, wed- LEIOPT ‘Love is Equal’, and ‘It’s All About dings, or lifelong monogamy Love’, we think it’s high time for ever again, and we would actu- ‘Can You People Just Legislate ally turn to address our shared This Shit So We Can Move On tangible concerns.” Please’.” CRIHB CYPJLTSSWCMOP will kick off The CYPJLTSSWCMOP cam- nationally with a series of rallies paign will be targeted directly this coming weekend.

TRAIPE ONE NATION CANDIDATE CLAIMS Q: What do you use to get a ghost to lie perfectly flat? A: A EARTH IS FLAT, WILL STOP BOATS Following her candid interview Environmental Problem. When “ ” with Channel 7, One Nation asked what this problem was, Janice candidate Stephanie Banister her eyes lit up and she began to granted the Soin an exclusive explain enthusiastically that due policy discussion session after to the earth’s flatness, we are in we told her that Soin was Latin grave danger of losing the entire for Sydney Morning Herald. Having water supply of the planet, as told 7 News that she had nothing it tumbles over the edge into against Islam as a country, but outer space. One Nation pro- that its laws should not apply posed tackling this problem by in Australia, we sought more constructing a series of dams information on One Nation’s around the edge of the planet. border security plans. Banister When we pointed out that this explained that any boats arriving would conflict with the policy to would immediately be redirected let boats sail over the edge she over the edge of the earth, which clarified that there would be a she claims is flat, thereby caus- Boat People Gate, and to mini- ing them to fall into outer space. mise water loss, boats would form a queue and exit one by Our mood lightened, however, one. when perusing some policy pamphlets that Ms Banister had The interview concluded on the brought along to the interview, question of what would happen we discovered that she held great to boats jumping ahead in this concern for the environment – queue, to which she replied, evidenced by the subheading “They’ll be resettled in PNG, of Tackling our Planet’s Greatest course.”

ONE NATION RUNNING IN FEDERAL ELECTION AGAIN, WHAT? 21 THE SOIN Thankfully not Vertigo since 2013. Anyway, written by! – Nick Gowland, Blythe Man crushed by candy fails to see the irony due to instant death Sex Advice from... R.I.P. Jeff Sozeb, 1980-2013 Stanmore man Jeff Sozeb, 33, was it was a joke because we were far too killed this past Tuesday when a part of engrossed in the candy displays,” Bowe the New York M&M’s World’s “wall of continued. chocolate” broke free of its constraints “I think that kind of pissed him off - and crushed him. though probably not as much as being Dear Rupert, me. As a billionaire and Ameri- The wall, a 15-metre-wide, two- turned into a tube of human toothpaste can citizen, I’m very in touch storey high display of 72 tubes that did.” I guess this is a bit embarrass- with what the average Austral- dispense different coloured M&M’s, When quizzed by this intrepid reporter ing. Basically, since I appeared ian wants, and I can tell you he had been cordoned off with tape by as to whether Sozeb would have seen store employees worried for the safety the irony in his death, Bowe shook her in a QANTAS ad when I was 15, wants to stop the boats. Now of patrons. Sozeb, an avid Candy Crush head. “Absolutely not. Jeff wouldn’t I can only get off while singing ‘I Tony Abbott, he’s got the right player, was too busy completing Level have been able to see how weird it is Still Call Australia Home.’ Is this idea for dealing with so called 213 of the game to notice the tape and to be crushed by candy whilst playing normal? refugees. And he won’t wreck walked headfirst into the red and white Candy Crush is,” said Bowe. “But that’s the economy like these left striped dispenser. This caused the tube mainly because his eyeballs popped like to topple over onto Sozeb, figuratively a couple of water balloons.” Coming Home wing buffoons. Sure, Australia (and literally) squeezing the life out of “Water balloons filled with blood,” avoided most of the effects him. added Bowe, for needlessly gory and • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • of the GFC, but now we don’t Close friend and housemate George medically inaccurate emphasis. have a budget surplus! AND WE Katanda said that Sozeb’s sojourn to A prior stop at Hershey’s World had Dear Coming Home, NEED A SURPLUS!! Look any- New York had been a dream come true. similarly almost ended in tragedy for “It was like a dream come true for Jeff. Sozeb, with a shortage of its popular way, back to your question. If New York and Candy Crush - those were chocolate Hershey’s Kisses sending Please be assured that you are you want to get rid of this little his two loves,” said a mournful Catanda. the father-of-four into a rage. Sozeb by no means abnormal for being problem, I think its pretty clear “Who could have guessed that they’d was only able to be subdued after a exhilarated by a fine Australian that you have to vote Liberal in come together to quash both his dreams security guard delivered a headbutt to song. I myself have been known the upcoming election. With the and his windpipe?” him, rendering him unconscious for two Sozeb had grown bored of the M&M’s scary minutes. When Bowe commented to get a little hot under the col- Labor Party’s loose morals and World by the point of his demise, on Sozeb’s close call, describing it as lar when proudly singing our socialist agenda, your penis will according to his friend and travelling “A Liverpool Kiss for a Hershey’s Kiss”, national anthem. Although I’m run wild and indulge in this lust companion Jean Bowe. “He kept Sozeb had simply stared blankly at her, not too sure about this bound- for Peter Allen’s music. But with threatening that he’d have more fun yet again unaware of what she meant - less plains to share nonsense. a Liberal government, order will playing Candy Crush,” said Bowe, an though that’s probably because he was anthropology major at UNSW and future severely concussed. While we’re on the topic, this finally be restored, and you can K-Mart employee. “We didn’t realise Labor mob’s boat people policy get yourself back in hand. So to is not harsh enough if you ask speak.

EU goes bankrupt in free food bonanza The University of Sydney Evan- Third year science student Jes- infidels from under the cover of “Usually we just hassle people gelical Union has found itself in sica was unimpressed by the their bright blue hoodies. about Jesus and they stay away dire financial straits after taking meal, despite going back for sec- from us,” said EU secretary Han- The aftermath of the feast saw Christian generosity one step too onds. “The roast beef was pretty nah, in tears. “But this time they several emotional EU executive far. dry, and they totally skimped on just kept on coming.” members bemused by the sud- the gravy,” she said. Buoyed by the success of their den interest in their activities. frequent BBQs and recent nachos As news of the meal spread giveaway, the EU literally bit off throughout the campus, hordes more than they could chew when of hungry students descended they hosted a free three-course on the ill thought out feast. The dinner for all access card hold- EU was forced to make an emer- ers. gency trip to Broadway Coles and spend beyond their means The ritzy dinner, held at the tra- to accommodate the demand. ditional EU BBQ location on the lawns near Manning, consisted As food ran out, tensions esca- of a caviar entrée, a main of lated on the Manning Lawns, roast beef and vegetables and with the debacle only reaching the risky culinary choice of an end when enraged EU mem- Bombe Alaska for dessert. bers began to fling caviar at

22 American Faith in Democracy Boosted at News that Ex-President’s Wife Is a ShoO-In For Presidency THE Worthy, Runi Talwar, Lane Sainty, Mike de Waal, Ariel Castro-Martinez, Brendan Day, Max Schintler. Phew. SOIN Russia grants Edward PROFILE: DR. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU!? Sacked Snowden asylum, wins highly Blue smoke billowed out the ing Nancy films.” prestigious International chimney the BBC used to burn Award for Irony incriminating Jimmy Savile Criticisms concerning casting Finance papers with last Sunday, choices and the traditionally heralding the selection of a family-friendly nature of the new Doctor to replace outgo- show prompted Capaldi to throw ing Doctor, Matt Smith, with his chair at any “cuntly faggot Minister acclaimed, curmudgeonly, that looks him in the eye”. Scottish actor, Peter Capaldi, best known for his epithetic Long-standing calls to progress Greg Pearce and abusive character, Mal- the show with a ginger and/ colm Tucker, from the BBC or female lead to take on the In an unprecedented turn of political satire, The Thick of It. iconic role were however abated, Speaks events, Russia has become the producers instead opted for an latest recipient of the Interna- Unable to contain his enthu- older, white male well regarded New South Wales’ disgraced ex- tional Award for Irony, beating siasm, Capaldi described for his swearing ability. Julia Gil- finance minister Greg Pearce, out stiff competition from many the announcement as “fan- lard declined to comment. who was sacked last week by countries around the world. FUCKING-tastic!”, (sic) before Premier Barry O’Farrell for fail- slurring invectives at the cam- In a lavish ceremony held near ing to disclose his relationship eraman and forcefully putting the McDonalds in Terminal F out his cigarette on a passing with water board appointee of Sheremetyevo International child’s forehead. Richard Fisher, called a televised Airport, Moscow, the Russians press conference today to deny were officially recognized as Asked to comment on his pre- any connection. the most ironic country in the decessor’s time as the Doctor, world, after granting asylum to Capaldi stated: “Who gives two Edward Snowden, despite being Mr Pearce, who infamously shits about that bloody horse- Peter Capaldi recording his a nation which actively attempts wanker? That prick with ears Christmas thank you message turned up drunk to a sitting of to silence those who speak out can fuck right off to his fuck- state parliament in May, claimed against the system. that he had ‘neeeever *burp*, not never… ever… met this dude Russia is widely regarded as one before.’ of the few places in the world THE LABOR: 1b, 2b, 3b, 4b, 5, 6c, 7a where the leader, in this case Vladimir Putin, is allowed, by ‘Look. Look. You guys, I dunt LIBERAL: 1c, 2a, 3a, 4a, 5, 6b, 7b law, to personally strangle the even KNOW, this guy’s NAME!’ pets of anyone who dares to SOIN GREENS: 1a, 2c, 3c, 4c, 5, 6a, 7c slurred Mr Pearce in reference speak against the regime. It is to Sydney University’s General this somewhat extreme policy Counsel Richard Fisher, whom towards free-speech and animals which has led to Russia being Pearce appointed to the board C: Everyone in Australia is from considered a pretty stupid place of Sydney Water in 2011. a foreign country. Being Austral- for a whistleblower to go. ‘Waiaaaaaaiiit what? He’s a ian is a state of mind. 1. Do you like vegetables? Rishard? Thas my Dad’s name! Their decision to grant asylum to Snowden has therefore divided A: Yes! (Mr Pearce’s father was named 5. Do you like Seinfeld? George – ed.). Aaaaw! Richie… opinion, with some calling the B: Neutral move “positive” and “progres- Yes Dick…. If you’re watching this, sive”, and the rest calling it C: Vegetables are for paupers Yes wanna see a picsher of my kids?’ “hilarious”. Yes Mr Pearce then giggled uncon- 2. Do you like money? ALL: yes trollably for a full two minutes, The irony of the move was not A: Yes please before throwing up over his lec- lost on the Award’s organizers, who made the announcement to B: I do, but it’s not everything – 6. Who do you identify with tern. I guess a crowd consisting of, literally, most on Game of Thrones? tens of people. They explained C: Money is for rich bastards A: Danaeries Targaerian ‘Look, Dicky, look at me in the their decision in the following B: Tywin Lannister face. You are my besss mate now. press conference thusly: 3. How many new friends have C: Hodor We’re, so… so much in common. you made this year? Hey, wanna come to the footie “There was some tough compe- next week? Government’ll pay!’ tition this year, with the USA in A: I haven’t had any new friends 7. Who do you identify with particular being strong contend- The meeting ended when Mr since primary school. I have no most on GIRLS? ers, after spying on its citizens need to enlarge my social circle. Pearce king-hit a Fairfax journal- and then trying to jail Snowden A: Hannah ist and then attempted to order B: Heaps! I’ll need them when I for breaching their privacy. How- B: Marnie Premier O’Farrell to make him a ever, we felt that the level of irony run for Union Board! Oops! C: I can’t choose. They’re both kebab. displayed by the Russians was C: I don’t have friends- I have so perfect. matched only by their hatred of comrades pets”.

Snowden was reportedly ‘over- 4. Do you like people who are If you answered joyed’ at the news that he could from foreign countries? now get to ‘blow his whistles’ A: Is this a joke? No. anything, you’ve without fear of reprisal, though B: Yes! I’ll need to represent his mood apparently dampened wasted your time. after several Russian agents had them when I run for SRC! Oops! a ‘friendly’ chat with him.

Man smiling and nodding to attractive girl in packed club unaware he just agreed to long term financing scheme 23