The Jacko’s Oldest College Newsparody. Founded 1908.

Vol. TOO LOUD Night 3 Of The Fancy Times HANGOVER, NEW HANGSHIRE

Today’s Weather Asshole changes seats in Week 9 By ANN ARCHY ean oots B B The Dartmovth Staff

already? Sources report that today’s Anthropology 22 class plunged into chaos after asshole Roy Peterssen ’18 sat down in the middle of the OPINION second row of seats rather than in KAREN, THERE’S his usual place at the end of the third row. SOMETHING I “It’s week nine, for Christ’s HAVE TO TELL YOU sake!” Cynthia Fredricks ’20 said. “If you want to change spots in the PAGE 4 second or third class, fine, but it’s too late for that now.” Peterssen’s move began a Students report that this asshole’s move started a disastrous domino effect in the classroom. ARTS cascade of displaced students. Melanie Gresh ’19, the usual Wiley went to cold-call Simone, “Everyone had their place, and class. “What kind of psycho does I’VE BEEN occupant of the seat stolen by only to find his seat occupied by this guy came and made a mess that?” KEEPING THIS IN Peterssen, migrated to the front row, Gresh. “Is Kyle here today?” he out of it,” Simone said, lamenting At press time, students were FOR TOO LONG which in turn sent Kyle Simone ’18 asked, prompting the entire class to the breakdown of an order that had seen bumping into each other as to the back of the classroom. dart their heads around in confusion never been formally established and, they tried to navigate back to their PAGE 11 The lecture was reportedly before finding Simone, awkwardly for all practical purposes, made no new seats after the class’s five- derailed when Professor Lucas half-raising his hand in the back row. difference to the operations of the minute break.

SPORTS Report: Inside the Sphinx is another, more Improved women’s STOP CRYING, KAREN, I KNOW exclusive secret society rush process YOU CAN DO THIS By MISTY REEUS allows PNMs to The Dartmovth Staff PAGE 12 Students have long wondered what choose how long could be inside the enigmatic Sphinx, home to the equally mysterious they spend being READ US ON organization of the same name. Theories have ranged from an average arbitrarily judged DARTBEAT upscale lounge to a network of tunnels at each house connecting to the entire campus. But PLEASE, KAREN! wonder no more, because the secret of By AL GARITHM the Sphinx is revealed: It contains a The Dartmovth Staff second, smaller Sphinx, which is even In a reform that dramatically JUST GIVE ME A more mysterious than the first. increased the agency of Potential CALL AT The second Sphinx is identical to New Members in the recruitment the Sphinx we all know and love in every process, sophomore women had the (650) 391-8471 way except its size, and has a smaller opportunity to decide how long to combination-locked door on one side. spend being arbitrarily evaluated at When The Dartmovth inquired about Sources have put forth various theories about the nature of the second Sphinx. each sorority during the first round of FOLLOW US ON the nature of the smaller Sphinx, an rush this year. PNMs could choose to TWITTER! anonymous member of the organization we corresponded with gave us a few alone inside of a small stone structure spend anywhere from 30 minutes to @dartmouthjacko told us that no one really knows what theories. Some believe that the Inner is unknown, but it is incredibly secret two hours at each of the seven houses, goes on in there except members of the Sphinx contains an even smaller and therefore probably very cool. moving freely between them to be “Inner Sphinx,” a secret organization Sphinx with an even more exclusive Another version of this theory posits assessed upon the same insignificant comprised of select members of the membership made up of secretly that the series of nested Sphinxes aspects of their identities over and Sphinx. “Well, any member of the chosen members of the Inner Sphinx. goes on forever, possibly culminating over again. Sphinx could hypothetically be a One even theorized that there were in a time-space singularity Sphinx The increased scheduling member of the Inner Sphinx, but there’s nested Sphinxes until one which was with a volume of zero. flexibility was part of a broad set no way of knowing who. We all have large enough only to fit a single person, Another member said that it of improvements to this year’s rush our suspicions, of course.” and whose membership consisted of was “probably just a place where system. The new process additionally But what’s inside of the Inner one person selected from the Sphinx some guys hang out and get drunk emphasized inclusivity and Sloppywrite © 2017 Sphinx? Well, the Sphinx members containing it. What this person does or whatever.” JUDGMENT hte darrmuvht, incoprated See , page 2

www.dartmouthjacko.com Page 2 The Dartmovth NEWS @now, 2017 DailyDebriefsing Students to form community in new

Stoner walks away from Blunt Alumni Center dejected, having misunderstood BEMA trailer residence hall

Geologist walks away from Rocky dejected, having misunderstood By MOE BILHOME The Dartmovth Staff Pale infant walks away from Fairchild dejected, having misunderstood In light of the possible upcoming Tigger walks away from the Hop dejected, having misunderstood expansion of the student population, Spider walks away from Webster dejected, having misunderstood the Office of Residential Life has examined solutions to the housing Penis walks away from Dick’s House dejected, having misunderstood shortage. Current plans include the Burglar walks away from Steele dejected, having misunderstood establishment of a trailer park in Fish walks away from Gilman dejected, having misunderstood College Park’s BEMA. “Due to the unprecedented Toast walks away from French dejected, having misunderstood number of students expected to be Jim ‘54 walks away from Alumni Gym dejected, having misunderstood seeking housing in the fall, we felt that establishing mobile residences Wall-E walks away from Robo dejected, having misunderstood on college-owned property was the Squirrel walks away from McNutt dejected, having misunderstood quickest and most cost-effective way Skeleton walks away from Bones Gate dejected, having misunderstood to avoid overcrowding in existing Students report that this housing option is still better than the River. buildings,” an ORL staff member Atheist walks away from Lord, having understood completely noted in an interview, adding: “We woodstoves.” specific dining plan provides are optimistic that the close physical One of the final decisions to a convenient, nutritious, and proximity of these residences will be made is the name of the new experientially valuable alternative encourage the formation of a tight-knit housing community. The Office of to more conventional facilities such student community.” Residential Life is currently leaning as the Class of 1953 Commons,” Given the prohibitive costs of toward Transportable Residential one DDS official commented. “In expanding the campus-wide heating Augmentation Student Housing addition, SmartChoice Bushmeat will system, each mobile unit must be (T.R.A.S.H.). finally show these sheltered damn equipped with its own heat source. Dartmouth Dining Services’ millennials what life in northern New Currently, the ORL plans to equip each facilities may be unable to handle England is really like.” According to trailer with a rusted-out woodstove the increased traffic from the new the DDS website, the new meal plan lifted from a nearby junk pile. trailer park. T.R.A.S.H. residents will will be only priced slightly higher Undergraduate advisors assigned therefore be required to purchase than the SmartChoice 20. to the new residences have expressed a unique meal plan, known as Potential future students have optimism about new community- “SmartChoice Bushmeat,” that will shown excitement about the new building experiences. “I can’t wait replace all meal swipes and DBA housing and dining opportunities. to take my freshmen on their first with a license to harvest small game “The possibility of living in a dark, real firewood scrounge behind from the surrounding woodlands. cramped, poorly-insulated trailer and East Wheelock,” noted Amanda Restrictions on firearms mean that eating undercooked squirrel loins Roisterdoister ‘19. “During the students will be required to whittle may be a major factor in my final first half of winter term, we’ll have their own spears from hardwood decision to commit,” said prospective friendly competitions raiding the other sticks. student Ethan Jingleheimer. “It would trailers’ yard-sale furniture to feed our “We believe that this community- certainly beat living in New Haven.”

Women’s rush now equally discouraging but more flexible From JUDGMENT, page 1 the self-confidence of participating authenticity through measures such underclasswomen, “I love our new as requiring PNMs to swipe in and babies!” out of each house they visited using The changes to Round 1 of rush an electronic card reader, as well as combined smoothly with lingering allowing them to make short walks features of the former selection across campus only while chaperoned process. Participants who preferred by trained upperclasswomen. to join a local sorority, for instance, “I think it was important to make could choose to spend the most improvements to rush that would help time at local open houses during ‘20s have as much say in the process the first round, before entering as possible,” said one recruitment their preferences into a computer chair, who spent two weeks of her algorithm that randomly sent them to term ranking younger women based all four national houses for Round 2. on snap judgments drawn heavily In spite of the improvements that from their physical appearance and took place, a significant portion of involvements on campus, “After all, PNMs were dissatisfied enough with they’re the ones this is all about.” the time-consuming and discouraging Remarked another member process to drop out of it completely. of the house whose selection As of press time, over 70% of eligible process resulted in weeks of females could be found participating unnecessary stress and damage to in the Greek System anyway. The Dartmovth NEWS @now, 2017 Page 3 Virus excited to experience Dartmouth to open new sorority for men By MALDA MINATED wanted a male-dominated social space frat basement scene where I feel empowered and at home. The Dartmovth Staff By TY PHOID Sure, we’ll have a few invite parties The Dartmovth Staff In response to demand for now and then. But the house will have Many first-year students have inclusive social spaces, Dartmouth a ‘Sorority for Men Only Room’ that’s begun to explore Dartmouth’s lively plans to establish a sorority for men just for us.” Greek scene, spending their weekend in the fall of 2018. The idea was first Stanley Cho, a member of the nights on Webster Ave instead of in brought to the administration in the Class of 2021 who plans on rushing the the Choates or Fays. Of course, non- spring of 2016 by seven members sorority for men, said he’s most excited cellular students are no exception, of the Class of 2019. According to for big-man little-man week. “I’m and several viral members of the founding member Eddie Blum, he already pumped,” said Cho. “I can’t Class of 2021 are entering fraternity and his friends were disappointed wait to showcase my Photoshop skills basements for the first time. by the quality of male-dominated and adorable baby pictures for all my One such student is Stanley communities on campus. Blum is Facebook friends.” Fellow Potential New Pong is fun for students and viruses alike. Adenovirus ’21. He said that he’s extremely proud of the project, which Member Jack Olson ‘21 says he is eager excited to learn how to play pong basements. pong scenes, big crowds, and poor he claims will occupy an important to wear flair and man-glitter to class, and after hearing so much about it. “If I’m lucky, maybe I’ll make ventilation. role at the College. “In a school hopes he’ll get a monogrammed man- “I can’t wait to hold a pong out with someone,” said Stanley, “I’ve already gotten my frat with a historically exclusive Greek bag for carrying his notebooks. paddle for the first time,” said who is capable of shedding for long shoes — sounds like some of those community, we wanted to create a New Member Educator Sam Stanley, who can spread by direct periods of time and establishing basements can be dirty!” said space for men to make their own.” Kirkwood ’19 said that the sorority for contact, inhalation of aerosolized persistent asymptomatic infections in Stanley, who is endemic throughout “I think our defining quality men is also committed to an easier and droplets, or fecal-oral transmission. the tonsils and intestines of hosts. the year. is that this sorority is for men. But more transparent rush process. While “I’m not sure if I’ll be able to drink Stanley already knows a few At press time, Stanley, who we’ll do lots of the other things he was unable to provide specifics, all of the cups in a tree, but maybe older pathogenic students who can can survive for three to eight sororities usually do.” Blum told Kirkwood stressed that recruitment my partner and I can share.” give him advice on the frat basement weeks outside of a host and who The Dartmovth. He explained that would be “more like guys’ rush.” Stanley, a DNA virus associated scenes. He said that his friends is resistant to many common the sorority for men will have man- “I guess I’m just glad this type of with both sporadic and epidemic Meg Cytomegalovirus ’18 and Bill disinfectants, was spotted chasing sisterhood dinners, apple picking, and space will exist here at Dartmouth,” disease, said that he is also hoping to Influenza A Virus Subtype H3N2 a pong ball which had rolled into foliage hikes. said Kirkwood. “We’re making that immerse himself in the dance party ’19 have already given him a run- the corner of a particularly humid “I’m really hyped about the quintessentially strong and empowering scene that takes place in some frat down of the basements that have fun basement. house,” said other founding member sorority community accessible to men, Emeric Lacy ‘20. “I’ve always and I couldn’t be more excited.” College creates booking system for Dartmouth Seven

By ANNE IXBY and dinner parties. Students are limited The Dartmovth Staff to booking up to four six-minute time In its latest initiative to promote slots per week, and individuals are re- student accessibility and wellness, quired to sign a liability waiver to as- Dartmouth College has confirmed that sume responsibility if “complications” seven campus locations colloquially such as pregnancy or STI arise. known as the “Dartmouth Seven” will “I like this idea,” said one ‘18 who now be available for student booking. chose to remain anonymous. “My girl- The program applies the well-regarded friend and I hit a major roadblock with model of reserving library study spaces the fifty-yard line, but now finishing the to the BEMA, the Green, the steps of Seven is only a click away.” An anony- Dartmouth Hall, the stacks, the top of mous ’21 also voiced his support, say- the Hopkins Center, the 50-yard line of ing, “After my trip leader told me this Memorial Field, and the front lawn of horror story of bumping into another College President Philip Hanlon’s resi- couple on the steps of Dartmouth Hall, dence. I didn’t think I had the balls to complete Ann Hobart, director of the Com- the Seven. But with this in place, I’m mittee to Book the Seven (CBS) ex- more open to the idea.” plained that the logistical and adminis- While some individuals have said trative challenges associated with this that this new policy “takes all the fun project greatly exceeded those of its out of the Seven,” CBS administra- study space counterpart. Student CBS tors are confident that the program will representative Max Heaney ‘19 also improve the safety and accessibility of spoke to the nuances of the program, in- one of Dartmouth’s most historic tradi- cluding the differences among the Sev- tions. “From stocking locations with en locations. “I mean, nobody’s ever in condoms, to providing these services Annex B of the stacks, but the Seven free of cost, I think this program shows includes some pretty prime locations.” just how much the college has student * To overcome these challenges, interests at heart,” said Hobart. CBS designed deliberate scheduling Next on the administration’s list windows for each location; for exam- is the construction of heated storage ple, the top of the Hopkins Center is lockers on the bank of the Connecticut closed during performances and formal river, enabling safe clothing storage for events, and President Hanlon’s lawn is students who would like to attempt the off limits during Board of Trustee visits Ledyard Challenge. *Please wear long sleeves Page 4 OPINION @now, 2017 You can’t call me a A few things you should know corporate sellout when about me, a member of your I care this much about group project To the Editor: saving the bees Hi! I don’t think we’ve met before, but it looks like we’re working on this By ONE OF YOUR CLASSMATES washed-up, complacent sellout when I care project together. I just wanted to reach out so deeply about saving the bees? When will to introduce myself so we can get started. From the outside, it may look like I’m my classmates learn that I am not just an I know that our topic is meant to relate selling my soul to the corporate world. I Econ major, but an Econ major who believes to societal legacies of colonialism, but I spend my free time researching stocks, I wholeheartedly in reducing the use of thought it would be cool if we could find visit DartBoard more than any other website, pesticides? These, and not the 246 behavioral a way to incorporate geodes. Here are a few ideas I came up with: “Geodes: The and I go nowhere without my tattered copy interview questions I’ve practiced, are what Exact Opposite of Colonialism,” “Geodes of “Case in Point.” But if you think I’m just keep me up late into the night. Are Formations Found in Igneous another lousy sellout, then you’ve Sometimes, as I sit on and Sedimentary Rocks and They Are got it all wrong. That’s because First Floor Berry running Beautiful,” and “Geodes and Colonialism out of town the weekend before our project I understand that honeybees practice cases and reading are Both Better Than My Horrible Twin is due — bad timing, I know, but it’s an pollinate 75 percent of the crops The work The Wall Street Journal, I Sister Bethany.” unavoidable commitment for my club team. that sustain human life, and I plan imagine the gentle buzz of Of course, if you have another topic in Plus, of course, I need to take the geodes off- to do everything in my power to bees do is a bee gracefully transferring mind, we can definitely discuss that! campus once in a while so they don’t get too save them from extinction. the pollen sac from a flower Something else you should know about rowdy. me is that even though my Blitz name is When my friends ask about to a neighboring plant. I cast Anyway, I’m definitely down to meet arduous and Janet, you can call me Geode Janet. Like, up and get cracking on our project. Just like my plans for next year, my my gaze toward the window you don’t need to, but you can. Last year I you’d crack open a geode. Get it? Except I’d answers are often met with eye and visualize intricately noble. tried to legally change my name to Geode never crack open a geode, because they are rolls. It’s true that I am choosing built hives, pollen in the air, Janet. I changed it but then my terrible Earth’s most miraculous treasures and must to work in an industry in which and flower buds teeming twin sister Bethany impersonated me and be cherished as such. We can meet anywhere, women and people of color are dramatically with life as bees migrate among them. These changed my name back to Janet. While except City Hall. underrepresented, that I know the four ways to thoughts stay with me as I network with future doing so, she also caused such destruction I’m free to meet sometime after class, value a company, and that my starting salary colleagues and as I research strategies for at City Hall that I am now banned from the but you should know that I am usually busy will be six figures. But if my peers took the market entry. premises forever. between 1 p.m. and 7 p.m. on weekdays. This Also, you should know that I time to look beyond my loafers, family crest So don’t jump to conclusions so quickly: is the time of day when my abhorrent twin have literally no PowerPoint skills sister Bethany calls me via Google Hangouts ring, and padfolio, they’d see a guy who I am more than the stereotypes you see in my whatsoever…I’ll try my best but you in order to tell me that geodes are the same as knows that the work bees do is arduous and finely tuned resume and business casual attire. might need to take the lead with that part gravel and that they are disgusting. She does noble, and who is saddened by the fact that It is my priority to reverse the decline in the of the project! not stop until I throw my laptop and phone their colonies decreased by 44 percent between honeybee population, and whether I work Another thing you should know about against the wall. Then, I must stroke my 2015 and 2016. at Bain, Goldman, or McKinsey next year, me is that geodes form in two ways: when geodes and sing comforting hymns to them. How can anyone accuse me of being a nobody can take that away from me. minerals are deposited from hydrothermal Oh, and that’s one last thing that you fluids and fill vesicles in volcanic rocks, should know…my computer and phone or when igneous nodules dissolve in rock break a lot. Hopefully that won’t make this formations and minerals fill the spaces. project too difficult. Can’t wait to get started! I helped you with your math This might not sound like a fact about me, but it is. Sincerely, homework. Where is my sex? By the way, I should tell you that I’ll be Geode Janet

By CHET high school?” None of that matters. None. The only thing that matters is that you have a Are you kidding me? Are we being debt to pay. And that debt is some sweet old serious? I took my time—20 whole minutes flippy floppy. To me. You owe sex to me. And America’s Oldest College Newsparody. Founded 190 of my precious time—and this is the thanks I you can’t take out a loan from the sex bank, get? No sex? Ha ha, very funny. We can stop because the sex bank is closed. Permanently. joking now, and you can give me my sex. So you’re gonna have to pay out of pocket. Annika Roise ‘18 Lucía Kittay-Pierson ‘18 Lucy Tantum ‘19 Do you even realize what I’ve done Or, rather, with no pockets. Because you’ll The Powerpuff Girls for you? You had no idea how to do that be naked. Dancin’ the mattress mambo. With integration by parts question. No idea! Do me. Yeah. Balt Von Huene‘19, Flannel Zach Quayle ‘19, Wool you know how fucking hard integration This is almost as bad as that time I held Sarah Abramowitz ‘20, Linen Sam Barrett ‘20, Denim Matthew Ix ‘20, Terrycloth Jonathan Gliboff ‘20, Gingham by parts is? The derivative of u, or v, or the door open for someone and we didn’t Jennifer West ‘20, Velvet Grant Anapolle ‘21, Silk whatever, then you subtract v from…wait, make out. Or when I passed the salt and Spencer Coker ‘21, Lace Caroline Cook ‘21, Fleece Kevin Donohue ‘21, Leather Luke Gitter ‘21, Hemp no, u from—whatever. It’s hard as shit. Can we didn’t just bang right there on the table. Margaret Hubble ‘21, Cashmere Alex Quill ‘21, Polyester we just integrate OUR parts already? …that And I was so pissed when I lent someone Ira Richardson ‘21, Burlap Philip Wolf ‘21, Corduroy was a good pun, you have to admit. Okay, my eraser and we didn’t fall in love, elope you gotta diddle my fiddle after the pun. to the Pacific Northwest, get married in a Assistants to the Staff Writers What? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. small chapel in the woods, have a daughter Cheese Curds, Assistant to Ms. Roise Two Wrongs, Don’t Make a Write It’s simple math. Look. named Penelope and a son named Martin, Kit Kittredge, Secret Assistant to Ms. Pierson The Review, Write Wing live out the rest of our lives happy just in Disease Control, Assistant to Ms. Tantum Red Light, No Write Turn hose ank hocolates ssistant to ood ibes Alexander Hamilton, Write Hand Man x T J C , A G V help with math homework = ∫ e the presence of each other and in every Class of 2021, Assistant to Staffing This Publication Martin Luther King, Jr., Civil Writes moment we spent together, and die knowing That Sweet, Sweet Ganja, Assistant to Mr. Savos First in Flight, Write Brothers Math Homework, Assistant to Mr. Donohue Miranda, Write to Remain Silent Thusforth, we gotta splurge the nurge, that whether or not there was an afterlife we Stockman’s Dogs, Assistant to Copyright Law If Dancing Is Wrong, I Don’t Want to Be Write therehence. would never be apart. I was so tight! Fuck. Mac and Cheese, Assistant to Bites Hey Ya, Alwrite Alwrite Alwrite Alwrite Okay, okay, so what if I “didn’t actually Whatever. Good luck with your math Humor, Exclusive to this Publication The Club Can’t Even Handle Me, Write Now give you any help” or I “haven’t taken a homework. Do you need to borrow my mathematics course since my junior year of eraser? The Dartmovth NEWS @now, 2017 Page 5 College releases details on upcoming Hanlon announces task Sanborn renovation: “We’re going force to evaluate how balls-to-the-wall Victorian” to fuck shit up By ROSS UWAGE total of nine minutes arguing why the addition of a small textile factory By HELEN A. HANDBASKET The Dartmovth Staff Victorian England is “the fucking at the northwest wing of Sanborn. everything will be such a clusterfuck coolest era, even fucking cooler than When reached for comment, Mark The Dartmovth Staff that they’ll need to just tear down the Out of all the study spaces at the Wild West, and it’s definitely Palingway, chair of the English A task force will examine the whole disgusting mess and pray that Dartmouth, Sanborn Library is more baller the so-called Roaring department, stated, “The addition of potential benefits and downsides the New Hampshire forest reclaims certainly the most unique. The grand ‘20s.” the Sanborn Garment Factory will of majorly fucking shit up at the the land. fireplace, spiral staircases, plush Brunheim continued, “Between have numerous benefits. Besides College, President Phil Hanlon “If every single member of the armchairs, and shelves of Oxford President Warren G. Harding and contributing to the overall dope- announced last week. Dartmouth community hates us with Classics construct a scene more Prime Minister Lord Melbourne, as-shit aesthetic of the library, the The task force will spend the a passion by the end of the year, fitting of Gatsby than Hanover. It who would win? Melbourne, that’s task of operating the machinery will next few months discussing a plan we’ll have done a great job,” Benson came largely as a surprise when, on who. Why? Because he’s a fucking provide employment opportunities to take a giant crap on everything said. “Our goal is to turn this place Thursday, the College announced its Victorian and therefore he’s a fucking for local children aged eight to the College holds dear. They will into such a shitshow that no one commitment to a massive renovation god. Nobody gives a shit about you, thirteen.” then present their conclusions on can speak the name of the College of Sanborn House. Warren G. Harding.” Reactions toward the renovation how to totally, irreversibly mess without shuddering in abject horror Initially, students and alumni After a brief pause for water, were overwhelmingly positive up Dartmouth forever. and disgust.” alike expressed concern that their Brunheim proceeded to describe directly following the conference. “Ideally, our objective is The task force’s proposals, beloved library might lose its touch some design features of the Our reporters spoke with various to send Dartmouth to Hell in a according to Benson, will be if it were to be renovated. Sarah renovation. “Here’s what we’re Sanborn frequenters about their handbasket,” task force member so fucking idiotic that they will Brunheim, head of Dartmouth proposing,” she proclaimed into thoughts. When probed, Michael Marsha Benson said. “We’ll essentially place the College straight development, attempted to reassure her microphone, gesturing wildly Fishbein ’18, a Comparative weigh our options for fucking into the open arms of Satan. Their skeptics by holding a conference on in all directions, “Bitching cool Literature major, cried out, “Oh with the Greek system, making action items will most likely include Saturday. stained glass. Pointed-ass arches. sweet Jesus! All I’ve ever wanted residential life crap, and generally turning Dartmouth into a debilitated, “There is no need to worry,” Motherfucking paneled wood. The were even tighter, more precarious turning the College into a giant horrible relic of its former self. Brunheim said at the conference. sexiest shingles. Do you understand spiral staircases.” Carrie Fass ’20, dumpster fire.” “After this, we’ll be better “We’re going balls-to-the-wall how far we’re taking this? We’re said “I am literally aroused by the Benson said that the task force than our peer institutions,” Benson Victorian. The old-timey American removing the fucking plumbing. prospect of a pike hanging above will discuss the Old Traditions, said. “By ‘peer institutions’ I mean thing was pretty dope, but I’m talking Sewage, all of it, just running the Sanborn fireplace.” Exclaimed specifically focusing on how to a literal island of garbage in the some no holds, full penetration, through the halls. How’s that for Denise Elias ’19, “Wow, I hope they make them fail so spectacularly Pacific Ocean, and by ‘better’ I mean Charles Dickens type shit.” aesthetic, you sick bastards.” By this add air-conditioning.” that Daniel Webster will spin in smellier and more problematic.” Brunheim began by summarizing point of the conference, Brunheim At press time, the his grave like a fucking maniac. The task force also announced the budget and timeline of the project, was visibly shaking with excitement. administration has yet to comment Benson said the task force is that they would consider but pretty soon the conference took a Following the conference, on the mysterious appearance of a excited for the chance to make evaluating whether to increase the turn. Apparently dissatisfied with her reporters combed through the small orphan boy, who is currently the College so, so much shittier undergraduate student body size by written speech, Brunheim threw her extensive renovation proposal standing in the corner of the library than ever before. Ideally, she said, 10 to 25 percent. papers into to the air and launched that was released to the public. A asking if he could please, Sir, have into a passionate rant. She spent a particularly noteworthy discovery was some more. Fraternity brother taking WGSS 10 gets it now By REESE PECT has inspired him to reflect critically The Dartmovth Staff on how these issues come into play on campus. Sources close to Teddy Scott “I was especially surprised by ’18 confirm that, having reached some of the readings we had on the Week 9 of Women’s, Gender, and objectification of women,” remarked Sexuality Studies 10: Sex, Gender, Scott. “It’s not something I’d really and Society, the fraternity brother thought about before, but ever since completely gets it now. According it came up, I’ve stopped sending to Scott, beyond satisfying his SOC messages to my frat’s GroupMe and CI distributive requirements and ranking every girl I fuck in the frattic.” occupying a convenient 2A timeslot, In addition to attending the course’s the course has opened his eyes to enlightening semiweekly lectures, how sex, gender, and sexuality shape Scott is now working on a final group the modern world. project about sexual misconduct on “Taking WGSS10 has helped me college campuses that has transformed become aware of how gender affects his understanding of rape culture. people in society,” said Scott, who, Having learned that women are three prior to enrolling in the course, had times more likely to experience sexual never given any thought to how the violence while enrolled in college, experiences of marginalized groups Scott reports that he plans to actually might differ from his own. “I have a pay attention at his fraternity’s next sister and also a mother, and it turns MAV facilitation. out that they deserve to be treated While Scott will be disappointed with respect.” to see such an enriching class come to Scott’s newfound awareness that an end, the fraternity brother confirms others face discrimination based on that he will be even more aware of gender, particularly in combination contemporary social issues after taking with factors such as race and class, an AAAS course next term. Page 6 The Dartmovth NEWS @now, 2017 Student Wellness Center introduces Ragsplort, new therapy raccoon By RAY B. RISK to come cuddle with Ragsplort will Ragsplort empty-handed — registered The Dartmovth Staff provide them with some much-needed walkers can also rent the “Ragsplort relaxation,” said SWC representative Care Kit,” which includes a greasy Step aside Buddy, Sterling, and Hannah Grubman. “He’s also totally rope to walk him with, a muzzle, and Cooper — there’s a new animal adorable, and loves to love!” some tranquilizer darts in case things companion in town! The Student During open hours, students are get out of hand. Wellness Center is thrilled to announce also welcome to come to the office and But it gets better — those who that, in response to the high popularity feed Ragsplort pieces of stale bread, really form a special bond with of campus animals such as the various scraps of food from the trash, or any Ragsplort are even able to take him fraternity pets and the dogs that small dead animals they may find for more extended periods of time — reside in Robinson Hall, Dartmouth around campus. “He’ll eat anything,” up to three whole days! The Student is welcoming a new furry friend: said Grubman, “We just ask that Wellness Center can only recommend Ragsplort, the therapy raccoon. students wear long pants and sleeves, this fun option to those living off- Ragsplort, who has lived on campus because Ragsplort tends to bite when campus, however. “Unfortunately, for two weeks now, hangs out in a approached.” UGAs have indeed requested that room on the third floor of Robinson Grubman also recommends caution students not bring Ragsplort into their Hall, where students are free to come if Ragsplort begins to foam at the dorms after 10:00 p.m., because of the Remember not to provoke this adorable fellow if he begins to foam at the mouth! cuddle with him on the condition mouth in your presence. “If it happens, loud hissing.” But if you do live off that they provide documentation of just back away and do not provoke campus, all you have to do to sign up to comment on the introduction of Especially thrilled about Ragsplort a medically administered rabies shot him,” she said, “It’s fine.” for an awesome Ragsplort sleepover is Ragsplort, providing remarks such as, becoming a member of the community, upon their first visit. Luckily for those who wish to to rent the Ragsplort Care Kit for the “Ragsplort bit me the other day and however, are the Robinson Hall Custodial “Therapy pets have obviously hang out with Ragsplort outside the appropriate amount of time, and sign a it actually was not relaxing at all,” Staff, because “he eats the trash.” had amazing success in their purpose confines of Robinson Hall, there is also disclaimer stating that the SWC is not “I don’t think you understand; he is This week’s open hours are between to alleviate mental health issues an online signup sheet on the SWC responsible for any damage caused to literally a raccoon,” and “I am currently the hours of 8 a.m. and 4 p.m., Monday like anxiety and depression among website where you can sign up to be an your home or belongings by Ragsplort. being treated for rabies at DHMC and through Thursday. The SWC expects students, and we hope that taking a official Ragsplort Walker. Cool! And Fun! I expect the Wellness Center to pay my spots to fill up fast, so sign up to come break from Dartmouth’s daily stressors don’t worry, you won’t be sent off with When asked, students were eager medical bills.” play with Ragsplort today!

CPD offers seminar on how to sell organs

By HONNIE BOLBROOK toward the seminars have drawn The Dartmovth Staff scrutiny. “I came to the CPD for an interview with Goldman, but the Recognizing that some of lady checking me in led me to the Dartmouth’s graduates are organ-selling seminar instead.” said woefully unprepared to become Jessica Whitford ’19, a Comparative operational members of the Literature major and LALACS American economy, the Center minor. “When I asked why, the lady for Professional Development has just sighed, shook her head, and begun to offer seminars instructing said, ‘oh, poor baby.’ What the fuck students on how to sell their is that?” organs. The CPD’s methods to clue Martin Davidson, Director of students in to the fact that they Fiduciary Advancement, said, will never be functioning cogs “Some of these little shits are in the labor machine seem to be never going to become effective targeted toward certain groups members of society, and they of students. “I’ve never gotten might as well learn early on how an email about the organ-selling to sell their own organs just to get seminars,” said Sam Gardner by.” ’18, a Computer Science major. Noting that the labor market relies “But my best friend Josh, who’s on capable, qualified human capital, a Classical Archaeology major the CPD has recently become aware modified with Women’s, Gender, of the fact that some of Dartmouth’s and Sexuality Studies, found six graduates will amount to nothing flyers for the seminars in his and will likely resort to living in Hinman box.” their parents’ basements. To help When members of the these inadequate subhumans prepare Dartmouth administration were for their grim futures, the CPD cautioned that the CPD’s seminars is planning a series of seminars were encouraging the formation instructing underachievers about the of an underground black market most effective ways to sell their own for organs, a spokeswoman for the plasma and bodily organs. However, college responded, “that market the CPD’s attempts to steer students will regulate itself.” The Dartmovth NEWS @now, 2017 Page 7 College reveals plan to periodically burn down East Wheelock By MATT SCHLIDER Prometheus himself, the source of our Light and Heat, the first Technology The Dartmovth Staff which set us on the path we now tread. Many students were surprised And so you see, we have chosen the when East Wheelock’s new insignia Phoenix not as a symbol of Things was revealed to be a Phoenix, Past, but of Things to Come. For the wondering if it was done in reference Phoenix to be reborn, for the seed to the recently rebuilt Morton Hall, of the Mighty Sequoia to germinate, which burned down in 2016. A recent there must first be a Fire. So too is it statement by a spokesperson of the for East Wheelock.” housing community clarified the Students expressed concern intentions behind the new symbol: after the statement was released, “Like all things, the great halls of wondering if the administration was East Wheelock House cannot exist in actually planning to ignite all or part perpetuity. That which is not renewed of the Housing Community on a semi- becomes Stagnant, and that which regular basis. Students who reached Stagnates inevitably Dies. A refusal out to various officials received only to accept this Fundamental Principle cryptic messages, such as “All is of Nature has been the downfall of Burning and it is but arrogance to Administrators confirm that East Wheelock shall be rebuilt not by the hands of Mortal Men but by the Energy of Fire. countless Empires, from Rome to the assume we Mortals have a hand in Ottoman Turks. We at East Wheelock controlling it.” itself. The Burning is the rebuilding, Phoenix becomes brighter each time bringing Knowledge like Apollo, accept the inescapable Law of the The administration released or the first stage thereof. When it is reborn, the Forest more mighty. ruling like Horus. From the Fires of Natural World: Change is necessary, another statement entitled “A the Fires go out, extinguished by Through purifying Fires, we shall Eternity we shall RISE!” and to change one must first remove all Clarification of the Nature of the Time alone, it shall not be Ashes become the greatest of all the Housing When the Dartmovth asked when that was. One must cleanse the palate, Burning” which stated: “When which remain, but Wheelock itself, Communities. East Wheelock, like the first burn could be expected, we so to speak. And what cleanses more Wheelock burns, it shall be rebuilt. REBORN! These things are beyond that infinite East from which the Sun were told that “the Homecoming thoroughly, allows for more Change, But not by the hands of Mortal your Comprehension now, but all emerges, shall become a source of bonfire may not be where you expect than Fire? Fire, brought to man by Men, but by the Energy of the Fire shall be made clear in due time. The Light and Life for all of Dartmouth, next year.”

Hanlon brings up the Seven in his speech again By BEA MA The Dartmovth Staff

For the fifteenth time this term, President Hanlon mentioned the Dartmouth Seven at a public event. He greeted the ‘21s at a classwide meeting with a mention of the Seven in his second sentence— and that, it seems, was only the beginning. “Seriously, he brings it up every time I hear him speak,” Sally Livingston, ’20, said. “We get it. You know, it’s almost like he wants us to have sex on his lawn.” Lawrence Brady, speechwriter to the President, responded to our request for comment. “He’s always gotta add it in there. I swear it’s never in the speech. I’ve even of members of the Class of 1977, started including footnotes that researchers came to the conclusion just say ‘DON’T MENTION THE that the ‘77s feel a personal SEVEN PHIL’ but he just seems connection to the Seven. “It’s some to view that as a challenge.” The sort of pride thing, I guess,” added President, Brady says, has been a student researcher who asked returning drafts of speeches with to remain anonymous. “It’s what only the note “needs more Seven.” we in the industry call a septum The community has been conflatio, or in layman’s terms, scrambling to find some explanation he’s getting all his sevens mixed for why the President can’t stop up,” Dr. Poppins, Professor of making dad jokes about students’ Neuroscience with a concentration sex lives. in Number Psychology, said. “It The Department of Psychology happens to the best of us, but either decided to pursue one hypothesis way, it’s gotta stop.” about the President’s otherwise The Board of Trustees plans inexplicable obsession with the on sending the President to Basics Seven. After contacting hundreds next term if things don’t improve. Page 8 The Dartmovth NEWS @now, 2017 Student uses belongings to claim every table in the library

By STU FALLOVER sitting in one place.” without moving his belongings. The Dartmovth Staff Students arriving to the Students noticed that Thomas library after 10:01 a.m. reported reentered the building freshly Students were disappointed that Thomas had already taken showered at 4:15 p.m. after having last Sunday morning when they possession of each of its 1,100 left at 2:48, suggesting he had entered Baker-Berry Library to tables, at times creatively hanging made a trip to the gym. He was also find that there were no more desks jackets over the backs of chairs or conspicuously absent from 12:26 available for them to use. It was leaving partially-eaten food out to 1:30, presumably for lunch with soon discovered that every table in on tables to emphasize his claims. friends. the building belonged to Connor “I was definitely surprised by how As the day progressed, Thomas Thomas ‘19, who had strewn papers, quickly he managed to pull it off,” stayed occupied by booking folders, and textbooks across several remarked Lily Rogers ’19, who was multiple study rooms under various thousand square feet of study working a shift at the circulation fake names, talking loudly as he surfaces to claim them as his own. desk at the time, “But I guess it moved between seats, and striking “I knew I had two midterms helped that he came in with what up passive-aggressive conversations coming up and a paper to write, looked to be about sixty backpacks with anyone who attempted to move so I got to the library right when it filled with notebooks and laptops.” his belongings. He could not be opened to set up,” said the junior, Fellow library-goers reported reached for comment at press time, “But since I was planning to be there becoming increasingly frustrated having left the library to claim a Connor Thomas ‘19 claimed this table and 1,099 others last Sunday all day, I wanted to make sure I had when Thomas left the library large portion of Foco’s dark side for a lot of options in case I got bored of multiple times throughout the day dinner. Foco introduces reusable Jealous freshmen watch sophomore food pledges degrade themselves By SUE STAINABLE of waste. The Dartmovth Staff “When I went into Foco for By ELLIE FANTWALK and emptying mold-covered to sophomores as humorously dinner last night, I tried to walk The Dartmovth Staff beer cups at the command of demeaning, freshmen could not be Dartmouth Dining Services straight to the pizza station like I unsympathetic upperclassmen, convinced that these acts of new drastically reduced waste this normally do, but I just heard a voice As fraternities and sororities “Every time I go to one of their member education were anything term with the introduction of bark ‘carabiner please’ from deep across campus orchestrated houses, they’re the ones checking but status symbols. Throughout reusable to-go containers in the within the dishwashing area,” said degrading and conspicuous systems IDs at the door, and that’s pretty the term, members of the Class of Class of 1953 Commons, but Terry Perkins ’20. “When I handed of new member education this powerful.” ’21 could be seen fighting to be the college’s dining halls aren’t mine in, I saw that the only two term, freshmen looked to the class Freshmen also expressed the photographers for humiliating stopping there in their effort to options were a plate of greenish mush ahead of them in awe. Inspired by admiration for the humiliating new profile pictures, taking promote sustainability. This week, and a plate of kind of beige mush, new members’ ridiculous costumes, costumes and accessories that new turns holding their older friends’ DDS piloted an innovative plan to both of which seemed to have been embarrassing pictures on social members of Greek houses were inconvenient accessories, and make Foco’s food, like its plastic spinning around in there for a long media, and repulsive chores and encouraged to wear around campus. marveling at the prospect of being containers, 100 percent reusable. time. Neither looked appetizing.” cleaning duties, ‘21s expressed After watching an older friend from assigned cleans and door duties. “The new plan is simple,” Other students expressed similar uncontrollable excitement for their high school spend three weeks of When asked what he’s most said DDS spokesperson Martha struggles with navigating the new own opportunity to join the Greek the term wearing an unflattering looking forward to about joining Simmons, “You pay $4 upfront for system. “I thought being reusable System next fall. cow suit and offering milk to a fraternity, Smith responded with a carabiner and trade it for a plate meant the food would somehow “I’m friends with a few ‘20s any sister she encountered, Katie complete oblivion to the reality of of food. After your meal, trade reappear after I ate it, so I just in frats, and they’re all so cool,” Mathews ’21 remarked definitively the degrading tasks ahead of him. your food back for a carabiner and finished my dinner like I normally said Brady Smith ’21 of a group that “sororities are the best!” “I’m excited for literally all of it,” we’ll pass it on to the next kid. would,” said Alexandra Marquez of sophomores who spent every Although most juniors and the freshman remarked, “I can’t Zero waste. Easy.” ’19, “But when I went back to the Sunday this term scrubbing vomit seniors viewed the tasks assigned wait to be just like the ‘20s.” Simmons went on to explain conveyor belt with an empty plate, that the rotating conveyor belt that they just told me I had forfeited my previously brought empty Foco $4 investment and would have to pay dishes back to the kitchen to be again next time.” washed has been reengineered Despite some initial difficulties to generate ready-to-eat meals with food disposal and redistribution, from discarded food. However, Simmons is certain that Foco’s while Simmons seemed certain reusable food will play a central role that this new technology was in lessening the college’s carbon both safe and sanitary, students footprint in the coming years. If all expressed concerns about eating goes as planned, the Hop, Novack, food mysteriously spawned from a and Collis will also introduce mechanism also used for disposing reusable food by 2019. The Dartmovth NEWS @now, 2017 Page 9 Record-breaking endowment Dartmouth student finances stapler for Third Floor Berry By PAIGE A. TATCHED tired By KENT EVEN The Dartmovth Staff Mondays, goes to Club Lacrosse The Dartmovth Staff Dartmouth’s endowment generated practice sometimes, is semi- an investment return of 14.6 percent for At approximately 1:30 p.m. involved in her sorority, and takes the fiscal year ending June 30, 2017, today on the porch of Collis classes. “I should have known this resulting in an all-time high value of Center for Student Involvement, would happen,” Walker declared. $4.96 billion. As a result, Third Floor Allison Walker ’19 made a tragic Sources confirm that warning Berry will now finally have a stapler revelation to her colleagues signs of Walker’s emergent state next to the printing station. The Office in the form of a declaration of were indeed visible, such as the of Investments estimates that the cost the fact that she, a Dartmouth fact that Walker took a midterm will reach $9. student, is tired. early on in the week, had a “This new stapler is a powerful “I am feeling pretty tired meeting this afternoon, and is a testament to the College’s commitment this week,” Walker reportedly student at Dartmouth College with to academic rigor and scholarship,” informed her three friends, a typical number of academic, a College spokesperson said. “With also Dartmouth students, who extracurricular, and social the introduction of this technology, Thanks, Trustees! were sharing her lunch table commitments. we’re excited that students are better at the time. “It’s probably It was also revealed that Walker equipped to read more than one page top left corner of a packet of pages. “It I’d ride the elevator. Sometimes I’d because I only got five hours did provide a subsequent declaration now.” definitely wasn’t as hi-tech as a stapler, get a sweet quad pump from going of sleep two nights ago. I got of hope as she went on to announce, Students in previous years had few but it did the trick,” said Ricky Lewis all the way down and hiking back up. six last night, which was better “My week calms down a bit after options for keeping together lab reports ‘18. Breaking a quick sweat like that was but not great.” tomorrow; I just need to finish this or essays they needed to print out. Others are pushing back against a great way to maintain that athletic Walker followed this reading for my 2A. Hopefully I’ll Often, a nearby stray paperclip would the introduction of the stapler. Junior aesthetic once I’d returned to 3FB.” announcement with further catch up on sleep by the weekend.” suffice. Otherwise, students could Jack Thompson noted, “Traveling back At press time, it was reported that specification of her plight as At press time, it has been seek out the closest try-hard carrying a down to FFB was half the fun of finding a shiny new stapler was right next to she explained that her week has discovered upon further mini-stapler on them. However, many a way to keep together a 20-page article the printer, though students were seen been particularly busy because investigation that Walker is also reported they preferred just to fold the I needed annotated for class. Sometimes struggling to find staples. she mentors for DREAM on beginning to feel kind of sick.

COMMUNITY MEMBER SPOTLIGHT THE ONE UBER DRIVER IN HANOVER

Despite having graduated from Dartmouth with degrees in Mechanical Engineering and Physics, The One Uber Driver In Hanover ‘78 discovered his life’s calling eight months ago when he became the Upper Valley’s first — and only — Uber driver. Now, instead of spending his days at SpaceX planning the first manned expedition be a challenge to bring Uber to the to Mars, he finds joy in transporting area around Dartmouth, but when students across 0.09-mile stretches I asked for the rights to be linked of Dartmouth’s campus, contributing to Uber’s driver database, they absolutely nothing to society and didn’t even put up a fight! It was wasting his own potential in the incredible — almost as though they process. “Above all else, I want didn’t give a shit about the Upper students to know that even though Valley!” Dartmouth may be in the middle A testament to the wholesome of absolutely fucking nowhere, I’m life he now lives thanks to his new always ready to transport them to line of work, That One Uber Man some other geographical point near went home at the tender hour of Hanover that is still meaningless on 7:15 p.m. last Thursday, stranding any cultural, economic, or political precisely 12 Dartmouth students level.” outside of the Price Chopper When asked how he got superstore in West Lebanon, where started at Uber, That Driver Guy’s wind chills were hovering at a enthusiasm could not be contained. frostbite-inducing eight degrees “Originally, I thought it was going to Fahrenheit. Page 10 The Dartmovth NEWS @now, 2017 EVENTS AT DARTMOUTH Upperclass TODAY TOMORROW UGA really 10:10 - 11:15 a.m. 3 p.m. Go To Your 10, or Don’t Foco Brawl trying By DORA DECS 4 p.m. 5 p.m. The Dartmovth Staff Beef Incredibly Man-Enriching Man-Panel at the Man- It seems like your undergraduate advisor is trying 6:30 p.m. Sorority really hard to increase bonding on Cuddle with Ragsplort! your upperclassmen floor, a source 11 p.m. reported earlier this week. Nighttime In a committed attempt to 10:30 p.m. continue the friendships that often Late Night Grilled Cheese form in first-year housing clusters, in the Cube or Some Shit your UGA has spent hours crafting intricate door decs, sending detailed email updates, and organizing events to bring the floor together. “I know that it’s challenging to create community on an Sources confirm that your UGA’s name is probably Kate, but it might also be Laura upperclassmen floor, but I think it’s possible with some hard work,” emailing them individually and busy, but there’s no way they’ll your UGA said. “I’m so excited then by taping personalized notes want to miss this,” your UGA to help my residents get to know to their door. said. “I’ve planned Pine catering, each other and maybe even become “No one responded, so I hand- free alcohol for 21+, and a concert friends.” wrote sonnets about gelato for each roughly on par with Green Key. It’s Puzzles Residents had mixed reactions resident and slipped them under all going to take place in the floor’s to your UGA’s efforts. their doors,” your UGA said. “That common room, and I’ve already edge pieces first, bitches “Who?” said that guy who lives didn’t work either, so now I’ve sent personal invitations and gift in the triple down the hall. “Oh, been waking up in the middle of bags to each resident.” that’s probably who I saw putting the night and banging on doors, “That sounds super fun, but I’ll up fall-themed decorations in the yelling about gelato more and more probably be at a tails pregame,” hallway the other day. There are so frantically until a resident answers. said the girl you see in the bathroom many construction-paper leaves on I haven’t gotten gelato with anyone sometimes. “Maybe another time.” the walls. Like, hundreds.” yet, but two people called S&S on At press time, sources confirmed “We have a UGA?” said a girl me.” that your UGA was going door-to- who you’ve literally never seen Your UGA has also invested door attempting to serenade each before but who apparently lives months in planning an event which resident with a personalized song on your floor. “Are you sure about will involve catered food, a live about gelato, only to find that that?” performance, and an opportunity everyone was busy socializing Your UGA has attempted to for floormates to spend time with at tails, attending a rehearsal or connect with residents by treating each other. practice, or choosing to actively them to coffee and gelato, first by “I know that my residents are avoid meeting anyone new. The Dartmovth ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT @now, 2017 Page 11 Review: Wednesday’s SHEBA show New open a cappella By EZEKIEL “ZEKE” EPHRAIM OBSERVATION, THE 2ND: OBSERVATION, THE 5TH: BAREBONE THAT their Apparel, if it may be THAT the name of this uncouth The Dartmovth Staff group accepts everyone so called, did reveal the Body so Troupe, to wit “SHEBA,” no doubt In the interest of acknowledging vainly & immodestly as to put the refereth to the heathen Kingdom our College’s Puritan roots, this Soul into Hazard & to set the Men of Sheba from Scripture; & what (except for Kayla) review comes from one of our most into great Temptation, & instill in is more, that the same Name doth senior contributors, Ezekiel “Zeke” their hearts carnal Fantasies, as of contain the Word “She,” as if in By OSTRA SIZED Ephraim Barebone. Lust, Lecherousness, &c., to the Reference to very Womankind; & The Dartmovth Staff Advancement of Satan’s fiendish since it is well-known among the NOVEMBER THE 4th, THE Agenda; Saved that Woman’s Weakness This fall, a new a cappella YEAR OF OUR LORD TWO first brought Sin unto Mankind, the group dubbed “Singclusivity” THOUSAND AND SEVENTEEN: OBSERVATION, THE entire Troupe is brought further into formed on campus. Singclusivity 3RD: THAT the very Songs to Sin thereby. (My Concern would believes anyone who is brave UPON entering the unholy Hall which these Youth rollicked be much allayed were the Name enough to sing in front of their of Kappa Kappa Kappa Fraternity, I did extol and promote grave amended to “Heba,” which would peers, regardless of skill level, heard no worthy Sermon nor Godly Sins, (as Intemperance, Drink, replace womanly Weakness with deserves a platform to perform. Contemplation, as myght improve the light Behaviour, and yet more manly Virtue.) An enthusiastic group of ten spiritual Health of the Assemblage abominably Fornication), such Sins students auditioned in Week 1, there gathered; but rather I did as stinketh odiously in the Lord’s OBSERVATION, THE 6TH: and Singclusivity president Katie inclusion, they ultimately decided witness (to my enduring Horror) the Nostrils. (I would soon make it THAT I am led to understand that Morgan ‘18 excitedly reported the that it was “completely worth it” to heathenish Performance of a certain clear unto these Rioters, that their the Members of this Troupe, as well group accepted everyone, except keep Kayla out of the group. Troupe by the name of “SHEBA;” & Performance of some solemn & as the greater youthful Assemblage for Kayla. Current group members that this Troupe did caper to and fro in proper Hymn would do much around me, often partaketh in much “She was just a total weirdo,” provided few other reasons for the manner & likeness of wild Beasts; Honor unto the Lord, who surely Imbibement of a certain Brew, explained Inclusivity Chair Sarah denying Kayla membership. A few whereupon I concluded that these doth consider such Music straight and that without Temperance nor Whitehead ‘18. were troubled by her arrival to the cavorting Rioters were possessed Fyre, & thereby their Souls may be Moderation; & that this Brew is no “She mentioned her favorite tryout without a KAF coffee cup. by wicked Spirits. I here enumerate saved from eternal Perdition.) worthy & healthful Cyder, as we Netflix shows and none of us had Others were irked when Kayla several OBSERVATIONS in defense often consumed in my own Tyme, heard of them before,” elaborated mentioned her favorite piece of of this Conclusion. OBSERVATION, THE 4TH: but rather some vile Concoction Chris Jackson ‘19. flair was only a basic pair of neon THAT among these objectionable marked with the Sign of a Keystone, Group President Morgan leggings. Yet most agreed that OBSERVATION, THE 1ST: THAT Words I did hear the Phrase of which the principle Ingredient stated that while providing a the main reason “Kayla should the performance of any Art, including “Bootylicious;” & that I interpret (judging by its Scent & Savour) is community for those who want never go near an a capella tryout this barbaric Prancing, doth constitute this to mean that the Men do hold the very Uryne of a fierce Beast of to sing comes first and the actual again” was because “she just kinda a grave & false Distraction from a perverse, unlawful, & carnal the Wilderness; by which means the music comes second, “Kayla was sucks.” Heavenly Thoughts & Deeds; as Prayer, Appetite for womanly Buttocks, Souls & Bodies of these Youth are just the not the right fit.” This winter and spring, Studie of Scripture, self-Flagellation, this being such fleshly Desire as further corrupted. Morgan told us that there Singclusivity will be holding more &c.; & promotes the Sin of Idleness; engendered the Destruction of was some initial opposition auditions. They urge anyone with a & that such Distractions show the Sodom & Gomorrah with much ZekeScore: 7/9 Circles of Hell to excluding Kayla from passion for song and performance influence of Lucifer’s Lieutenants; Brimstone from Heaven; Singclusivity. However, while to come out and experience what group members were passionate their accepting group is all about. PB announces that you won’t know this about their philosophy of Kayla need not show her face. year’s Green Key headliners By ABE SCURE hard for an up-and-coming indie rock Initial student reactions to the The Dartmovth Staff group, and the remaining three begged announcement have been nothing Although Green Key, Dartmouth’s us to bring Smash Mouth to Hanover! short of ecstatic. “It’s so exciting annual celebration of the arrival of From this feedback, our decision was to know that when Green Key rolls spring and the departure of sound pretty much made for us — we had to around, I will be totally apathetic decision-making, remains months book an act that will inevitably be lost to to the weekend’s only college- away, Programming Board director the annals of time, an act that will never sanctioned event,” exclaimed Chelsea Stiles took to Blitz this win a Grammy or even be invited to the junior Victor Vinson. “You know, morning to make a truly exciting VMAs. In short, we needed to find an prior to this announcement, I was announcement: The much-anticipated act that makes students rise from their planning on skipping the Green Green Key concert will be headlined seats in unison and impassionately cry, Key concert to do a few celebratory by a band you’ve absolutely never ‘Who the fuck is that?’” quick-sixes with my friends like I heard of. “Look, it really was a tough do every year, but now that I know “For the first time in recent memory, process,” said PB event planner I will have absolutely no opinions COSO gave Programming Board Harry Stand defensively. “During our about the headliner, my Green Key enough funding to put most major deliberations, we decided that rather tradition of blacking out in the GDX artists within our budget,” said PB talent than making some people happy and basement will surely end this year!” director Xavier Smalls in an interview leaving others disappointed, we would Shortly before press with The Dartmovth. “So, naturally, the promote fairness by booking a group time, Programming Board executive board and I turned to PB’s that absolutely nobody has ever listened representatives granted The five general body members -- whose to on Spotify, watched on Youtube, Dartmovth permission to announce opinions comprehensively represent or read about in Rolling Stone. And the show’s opening acts: a DJ the musical tastes of our 4400-student believe me, if we thought there was any whose lone hit sucked in 2004 and undergraduate population — and chance an act was popular enough for has only gotten worse with time, asked them who they would like to somebody on campus to own a logo- and a pop trio whose sound was see at Green Key. This wasn’t an easy emblazoned T-shirt or a concert poster, once described by Pitchfork as process: one member advocated for a we immediately scratched that act from “Coldplay, minus all of the things popular rapper, another member fought our list.” that made Coldplay famous.” Guys’ Sports Gals’ Sports RUN: Right now, I’ll explain later Riding Horses: Whenever the fuck we find them Slapping the Bag: At Dick’s House All going to the bathroom together: In a ‘90s comedy Playing video games: At the brothers’ room Frolicking: It the meadow Mansplaining: At Dartmouth SPORTS Running from your inner demons: Usually Page 12 @now, 2017 Where the fuck are the horses? By M. T. STABLES Excuse me? already been riding my ass. We got The Dartmovth Staff We don’t know where the fuck they into a fight last weekend, and she are. Do you? took Sandy to her parents’ place. Bet Mark Hawthorne is the coach of her mom is going on and on, like Dartmouth’s Equestrian Team, which Umm, I saw one giving rides to “David never would’ve treated you has been nationally ranked for the kids on the Green last summer. this way if you were still with him” past six seasons. He discusses the And then where’d it go, smarty and talking about how he bought team’s success, and, well, a whole lot pants? appetizers when he took the family more. out for dinner ‘cause he can afford it I’m not sure. Maybe the stables? with all the money from his hardware Coach Hawthorne, you’re coming You ever seen any Dartmouth store. They were just appetizers, off some great results from last stables? No, asshole, you haven’t. man, from the fuckin’ Applebee’s, year. How is this season shaping You don’t know where the horses but she talks about it like he bought up? are, either, but you wanna give me them a new car. It’s going great so far. Our freshman shit for it? class is very strong, and the team is Do you not let them order getting along really well. They’ve I wasn’t trying to say— appetizers when you take them to been working hard and putting up big Fuck you, man. This isn’t some joke. dinner? numbers in the weight room, too. It’s my livelihood on the line here. Are you kidding me, kid? I yell at a I’ve got a wife, a kid, and someone’s few kids while they jump their horses Are there any particular challenges got to feed them. Do you want to, around, and you think I can afford you’ll be facing this season? with your piss poor newspaper appetizers? Well, we have some strong salary? Do you? competitors in the Ivy League and At somewhere inexpensive, they throughout the Northeast. Columbia This is a volunteer position. I’m must be like eight bucks. We have no fucking idea where they are. especially has a great program, so not paid anything. we’ll have to see how we match up. I know what “volunteer” means, Coach Hawthorne stands up and around the interviewer’s neck. And we still... fartbreath. And if we can’t find out starts rolling up his sleeves. Coach Hawthorne walks towards the where the horses are, I’ll end up in interviewer, now cowering. (Gasping) Please, coach, please, I Coach Hawthorne trails off and some bullshit volunteer position like Are you really saying this nonsense wasn’t trying to… begins to cry. you. You think my wife will like that? to me right now? I mean, who needs appetizers, right? If I were your mother-in- The interviewer crumples to the Is everything okay? Probably not. All I’m saying is, you’re a head law, I definitely wouldn’t care. I’m ground, unconscious. I… I… I can’t lie to the media about (Sarcastic) Wow! Little dumbass coach at an Ivy League school. sure you’re way better— this. We still don’t know where the volunteer boy got something right Do you have to cheap out on (This interview has been edited for fuck the horses are. for once. Yeah, no shit. And she’s appetizers? Coach Hawthorne clasps a hand clarity and concision.) Rowers go toe-to-toe with Foco cookie pro after cocoa dough no-go throws dessert flow low

By DR. SEUSS “Hell no! Just go, bro!” Foco sunk?” Ren said to Sven, “We must The Dartmovth Staff dough pro Joe Canó bellowed low. send amends. Those men could send Now a foe to the loco row-bros, the both of our lives to their ends! Why Incensed by events that chef’s flow slowed. “Go back to did we brag? We need a white flag! commenced just weeks hence, Novack! You’re a low-track row- Man, DDS is just such a drag!” freshmen Ren McGlen and Sven hack, a smack-talking ass-crack! In The plates flew no more as they Gensen, rowing friends from fact, your flak gets no slack!” tore for the door, their four sore legs Dresden, Tenn, spent tense moments Clearly shook, the rowing rook trembling down to the core. “We’re fighting Foco pros on Hoco after low took a look at the cookie cook. “You free, you and me,” said Ren in pure cocoa flows to cities below Ontario look mistook, you cookie crook! Take glee. “We’ll never return to Foco, I drove Foco dessert supplies low. your cookbook and dough hook, and decree!” Despite Foco’s flight of late-night refill the cookie nook!” But their luck took a turn, when, cake bite delights, the lightweight Mired in ire, his wide eyes on from behind Foco’s ferns, Canó rowing mates voiced their hate at half fire, Canó sighed, “Now shit’s gonna shouted out, “you’ll get what you’ve past eight, when McGlen screamed have to transpire! Chefs, let ‘em fly earned!” As the boys both took dives “When can men like me and Sven get -- and let’s make them die, for there’s with a drive to survive, Canó and ten cookies for our friends?” no room for row-guys who treat his crew whipped out the old knives Sven chimed in, “Making ten cooks like flies!” they typically used for the chopping cookies can’t be a chore! I implore, I Taking the bait from the rowers’ of chives and stabbed the two boys, need four score more for fourth floor hate spate, eight irate chefs perched nearly ending their lives. Lord! Think of my floormates, my atop old milk crates to fling Foco’s Keeping his knack for payback cookie-less, poor mates! I’d rate this old-fashioned green plastic plates in tact, Phil Hanlon put the row bros service one star -- not great! Bring at the rowers, who dodged the old on the expulsion track, though there back the racks of chocolate-chip mold-colored slates. Hunkered in is some good news to cut through snacks, or I’ll be on track to never bunkers of old cookware junk, Sven the blues -- Foco has cocoa and the come back!” screamed to Ren, “You reckon we’re cookies are back.