INSIDE TODAY’S D HANOVER WEATHER Today THE WEATHER Tomorrow Pain, Loneliness p. 6 THE WORLD! THE JACK-O-LANTERN’S OLDEST CollEGE PARODY. FOUNDED 1907. Vol. 4m3 No. Means No. Pittance/Secondborn son for students Placement of Andreadis Presidential Honour Society members dead Library sparks controversy By WATSON N. CRICK containing blueprints for a future following duel at sunrise The Dartmovth Staff “Timothy Andreadis Presidential By DICK JOHNSON WANG took so long to happen,” said Saul his wind back. Then they stabbed Library.” The file calls for the The Dartmovth Staff Applebaum ’07, who witnessed the him.” Student Assembly has certainly compound, some twenty acres battle during his morning trek to Before this morning, the been no stranger to controversy in size, to be built upon what is In what might be considered a the gym. “Those guys would walk Honour Society was a student this year, but an ambitious plan currently Webster Avenue, and pyrrhic victory for the chivalrous around Novack every evening with organization with a rich and to construct a sprawling library for the Greek houses there to be man in us all, the Dartmouth their rapiers looking to make sure storied past. It was founded in commemorating SA President razed to the ground. Honour Society wiped itself out everything was going according 1210 AD by future provost Lord Tim Andreadis over virtually all The library would house in a duel yesterday shortly after to the ‘Divinest Laws of Most Wynte Fortinbras 1212. The of Webster Avenue may engender research materials and gender- daybreak. While details about the Honourable Proprietie,’ and every organization’s web-scroll identifies the most direct confrontation yet neutral literature dedicated to incident remain sketchy, a letter night a couple of them would get it as a stalwart of “all Thinges with Dartmouth’s Greek system. raising awareness of sexual assault scrawled into the side of Rauner in an argument about what that Righteous and Honourable.” Yesterday evening, an on campus. All construction Library in blood, apparently by actually meant. While Fortinbras was generally anonymous source sent The a dying member involved in the “You don’t give people like that considered a top student and Dartmovth a computer file See LIBRARY, page 7 scuffle, seems to point to a “Fair rapiers,” continued Applebaum. athlete, the Honour Society has Lady Virtue” as the impetus for the Another witness to the fight, not always lived up to his legacy. struggle. However, as investigators Petra Ivancova ’10, came off The group’s most recent field trip, and loved ones struggle to with a positive impression of a crusade to Palestine, was dubbed understand the causes of the the decimated group. “Oh my by organizers, most students and exceptionally violent incident, gosh, they were so sweet. One the Pope as a complete disaster and there are those who maintain that of the guys slipped and dropped an utter waste of college funding. it was merely the inevitable result his sword, right? Well, the other Tim Balandindo, the head of an antiquated, rigidly clung-to guys waited for him to pick up his of Dartmouth’s Philosophy worldview. sword, brushed his shoulder off, “I’m honestly surprised this and brought him a Red Bull to get See HONOUR, page 6 OH, SHIT... Above, an intercepted sketch of the project. AD basement found infested by zombies By CINDY LUHU AD brothers agreed to pay the man The Dartmovth Staff a modest stipend and to house the students, and set them to simple Alpha Delta fraternity was put tasks such as moving furniture on probation yesterday pending and sweeping the floor. an investigation into the discovery House leadership quickly took of three ravenous zombies in the a liking to the two students, whose fraternity’s basement. One of clumsy, lurching movements, odd the three has been identified as sleep schedules, and hamhanded former AD brother and pledge attempts to kiss both male and class member John Dist ’09, who female students became the went missing six weeks ago. The subject of in-house ribbing. “Yeah, other two are still unidentified. the kissing was weird,” said AD According to testimony by pledge chair Ben Hazenlots ’07. surviving AD brothers, the “A lot of us were like, ‘Whoa, house’s descent into necromancy dude, we’re not Kappas. Take off began around three months ago, the beer goggles.’ We just figured when a heavily accented Haitian they came from a more physical man approached senior house culture.” leadership claiming to be an off- Despite their oddities, the two campus programs dean at the students quickly won acceptance University of Port-au-Prince, at AD. “We nicknamed them visiting Hanover to drop off two Students react to the news that the Dartmouth Bubble has run out of air. students “on a cleaning internship.” See ZOMBIES, page 6 Page The Dartmovth NEWS DailyDBriefing This publication so goddamn sweet • Douglas Killian ’66 continues to lead a quiet, unassuming life Congratulations, you lucky That’s right, samurai swords. Mary Poppins slumber-party marked by a few mundane occurrences, such as taking weekly trips to Dartmouth undergraduate/parent Katanas, if you prefer. Cut a man bullshit. You wanna know what the local hobby shop to find the latest plastic replicas of U.S. aircraft from of Dartmouth undergraduate/ down right in his tracks. we’re really all about? We’re an the Korean War. Killian, a retired assistant office administrator for a small alley-dwelling vagrant: you’ve So if you want to treat this awesome farm. We party... all the commercial bank, is perhaps most noteworthy for having had a career picked up/stumbled upon/ issue like some light reading, time. We hang out... all the time. and personal life that were uniquely commonplace. “He just sort of went decided to sleep under an issue of peruse it to see what Junior’s We do sweet things... all the time. through life, I guess,” said Norma Clinck Killian, his wife of 40 years. The Dartmovth! You’re probably into these days, or, God help And if that’s too real for you, come When asked if she had any regrets over her many decades with Killian, expecting a few cautiously neutral you, rest a paper-bagged bottle ask us about it in person. We’ll she paused before saying, “Well, he’s certainly be faithful to me. In fact, write-ups of comments made by of fortified wine on it while you punch ourselves in the nose and he was never really into sex…or anything except his model planes.” half-dead deans or guest speakers, yell at passersby, we suggest you draw you a Venn digram with the Hugh Brakit ’66, a fellow alumnus of Kappa Kappa Kappa fraternity, said a smattering of irrelevant campus rethink your attitude toward this blood. “Not Hard Guys” would be he wasn’t surprised by Killian’s biography. “I once asked him where he reportage, and possibly a cheap, publication. a lonely, isolated little circle in that saw himself in 40 years,” said Brakit. “And he basically described the life insulating alternative to cotton or Did we say publicaton? Shit, diagram. That we can promise he lives now. At least he achieved his personal goals. I guess.” wool. we’re not even a publication, really. you. Don’t make us fucking puke. We just do the paper whenever we • After slaying all of his political rivals and smashing the pro- This is the D, not some pathetic feel like it. Which happens to be democracy partisans, Ivan Smattenisk ’98 has declared himself schoolyard primer for hemophiliac every weekday, with regularly president-for-life of his homeland in the republic of Oldovia. “It’s a great sissies. This newspaper has side timed inserts and special features. The Editor day for Oldovia,” said a smiling Smattenisk on national television, the effects. When pregnant women But what we’re really all about Rumpus Room bullet-riddled bodies of former opposition leaders in the background. read our shit, the kids come out has nothing to do with all that Dartmovth Mansion Smattenisk, who majored in Environmental Sciences with a minor in holding samurai swords. thumb-sucking, skirt-wearing 2007 Women and Gender Studies, didn’t mention Dartmouth during his speech, but John Jacobs ’99, friend to Smattenisk and a fellow Christian Navigator, has already reported that he’s been tapped to become the next Minister of Information. “I was working as an intern for an I-bank when Ivan called and was like ‘Hey, dude, I totally just took over this country. Wanna job?’ And I’m like, ‘Rock!’” Jacobs and several other Dartmouth grads, drinking buddies of the Everlasting Sunshine President, are hard at work getting the funding together for a new Dartmouth library dedicated to increasing awareness of Oldovian culture that will be housed in a twenty-story steel and concrete likeness of Smattenisk. “The tough thing will be getting the EU to unlock our Swiss accounts,” said Jacobs. • After mulling it over for several days, we decided we’re not any better than this: “News in briefs” -Compiled by Matt Laundro Corrections: The Dartmovth welcomes any and all thanks for producing another flawless issue. Contact [email protected] or (603) 111-1111. Back Issues: It’s probably just stress and a lack of exercise. Contact a chiropractor though. My cousin Lenny went to one and has felt like a million bucks since. Subscriptions: If you want the news thing, you had better bring the bling-bling-kaching. Contact [email protected]. No, I don’t have a phone.