Inside Today’s D Hanover Weather Today THE WEATHER

Tomorrow Pain, Loneliness p. 6 THE WORLD! The Jack-O-Lantern’s Oldest College Parody. Founded 1907. Vol. 4m3 No. Means No. Pittance/Secondborn son for students Placement of Andreadis Presidential Honour Society members dead Library sparks controversy

By WATSON N. CRICK containing blueprints for a future following duel at sunrise The Dartmovth Staff “Timothy Andreadis Presidential By DICK JOHNSON WANG took so long to happen,” said Saul his wind back. Then they stabbed Library.” The file calls for the The Dartmovth Staff Applebaum ’07, who witnessed the him.” Student Assembly has certainly compound, some twenty acres battle during his morning trek to Before this morning, the been no stranger to controversy in size, to be built upon what is In what might be considered a the gym. “Those guys would walk Honour Society was a student this year, but an ambitious plan currently Webster Avenue, and pyrrhic victory for the chivalrous around Novack every evening with organization with a rich and to construct a sprawling library for the Greek houses there to be man in us all, their rapiers looking to make sure storied past. It was founded in commemorating SA President razed to the ground. Honour Society wiped itself out everything was going according 1210 AD by future provost Lord Tim Andreadis over virtually all The library would house in a duel yesterday shortly after to the ‘Divinest Laws of Most Wynte Fortinbras 1212. The of Webster Avenue may engender research materials and gender- daybreak. While details about the Honourable Proprietie,’ and every organization’s web-scroll identifies the most direct confrontation yet neutral literature dedicated to incident remain sketchy, a letter night a couple of them would get it as a stalwart of “all Thinges with Dartmouth’s Greek system. raising awareness of sexual assault scrawled into the side of Rauner in an argument about what that Righteous and Honourable.” Yesterday evening, an on campus. All construction Library in blood, apparently by actually meant. While Fortinbras was generally anonymous source sent The a dying member involved in the “You don’t give people like that considered a top student and Dartmovth a computer file See LIBRARY, page 7 scuffle, seems to point to a “Fair rapiers,” continued Applebaum. athlete, the Honour Society has Lady Virtue” as the impetus for the Another witness to the fight, not always lived up to his legacy. struggle. However, as investigators Petra Ivancova ’10, came off The group’s most recent field trip, and loved ones struggle to with a positive impression of a crusade to Palestine, was dubbed understand the causes of the the decimated group. “Oh my by organizers, most students and exceptionally violent incident, gosh, they were so sweet. One the Pope as a complete disaster and there are those who maintain that of the guys slipped and dropped an utter waste of college funding. it was merely the inevitable result his sword, right? Well, the other Tim Balandindo, the head of an antiquated, rigidly clung-to guys waited for him to pick up his of Dartmouth’s Philosophy worldview. sword, brushed his shoulder off, “I’m honestly surprised this and brought him a Red Bull to get See HONOUR, page 6

OH, SHIT...

Above, an intercepted sketch of the project.

AD basement found infested by zombies

By CINDY LUHU AD brothers agreed to pay the man The Dartmovth Staff a modest stipend and to house the students, and set them to simple Alpha Delta fraternity was put tasks such as moving furniture on probation yesterday pending and sweeping the floor. an investigation into the discovery House leadership quickly took of three ravenous zombies in the a liking to the two students, whose fraternity’s basement. One of clumsy, lurching movements, odd the three has been identified as sleep schedules, and hamhanded former AD brother and pledge attempts to kiss both male and class member John Dist ’09, who female students became the went missing six weeks ago. The subject of in-house ribbing. “Yeah, other two are still unidentified. the kissing was weird,” said AD According to testimony by pledge chair Ben Hazenlots ’07. surviving AD brothers, the “A lot of us were like, ‘Whoa, house’s descent into necromancy dude, we’re not Kappas. Take off began around three months ago, the beer goggles.’ We just figured when a heavily accented Haitian they came from a more physical man approached senior house culture.” leadership claiming to be an off- Despite their oddities, the two campus programs dean at the students quickly won acceptance University of Port-au-Prince, at AD. “We nicknamed them visiting Hanover to drop off two Students react to the news that the Dartmouth Bubble has run out of air. students “on a cleaning internship.” See ZOMBIES, page 6 Page  The Dartmovth NEWS DailyDBriefing This publication so goddamn sweet

• Douglas Killian ’66 continues to lead a quiet, unassuming life Congratulations, you lucky That’s right, samurai swords. Mary Poppins slumber-party marked by a few mundane occurrences, such as taking weekly trips to Dartmouth undergraduate/parent Katanas, if you prefer. Cut a man bullshit. You wanna know what the local hobby shop to find the latest plastic replicas of U.S. aircraft from of Dartmouth undergraduate/ down right in his tracks. we’re really all about? We’re an the Korean War. Killian, a retired assistant office administrator for a small alley-dwelling vagrant: you’ve So if you want to treat this awesome farm. We party... all the commercial bank, is perhaps most noteworthy for having had a career picked up/stumbled upon/ issue like some light reading, time. We hang out... all the time. and personal life that were uniquely commonplace. “He just sort of went decided to sleep under an issue of peruse it to see what Junior’s We do sweet things... all the time. through life, I guess,” said Norma Clinck Killian, his wife of 40 years. The Dartmovth! You’re probably into these days, or, God help And if that’s too real for you, come When asked if she had any regrets over her many decades with Killian, expecting a few cautiously neutral you, rest a paper-bagged bottle ask us about it in person. We’ll she paused before saying, “Well, he’s certainly be faithful to me. In fact, write-ups of comments made by of fortified wine on it while you punch ourselves in the nose and he was never really into sex…or anything except his model planes.” half-dead deans or guest speakers, yell at passersby, we suggest you draw you a Venn digram with the Hugh Brakit ’66, a fellow alumnus of fraternity, said a smattering of irrelevant campus rethink your attitude toward this blood. “Not Hard Guys” would be he wasn’t surprised by Killian’s biography. “I once asked him where he reportage, and possibly a cheap, publication. a lonely, isolated little circle in that saw himself in 40 years,” said Brakit. “And he basically described the life insulating alternative to cotton or Did we say publicaton? Shit, diagram. That we can promise he lives now. At least he achieved his personal goals. I guess.” wool. we’re not even a publication, really. you. Don’t make us fucking puke. We just do the paper whenever we • After slaying all of his political rivals and smashing the pro- This is the D, not some pathetic feel like it. Which happens to be democracy partisans, Ivan Smattenisk ’98 has declared himself schoolyard primer for hemophiliac every weekday, with regularly president-for-life of his homeland in the republic of Oldovia. “It’s a great sissies. This has side timed inserts and special features. The Editor day for Oldovia,” said a smiling Smattenisk on national television, the effects. When pregnant women But what we’re really all about Rumpus Room bullet-riddled bodies of former opposition leaders in the background. read our shit, the kids come out has nothing to do with all that Dartmovth Mansion Smattenisk, who majored in Environmental Sciences with a minor in holding samurai swords. thumb-sucking, skirt-wearing 2007 Women and Gender Studies, didn’t mention Dartmouth during his speech, but John Jacobs ’99, friend to Smattenisk and a fellow Christian Navigator, has already reported that he’s been tapped to become the next Minister of Information. “I was working as an intern for an I-bank when Ivan called and was like ‘Hey, dude, I totally just took over this country. Wanna job?’ And I’m like, ‘Rock!’” Jacobs and several other Dartmouth grads, drinking buddies of the Everlasting Sunshine President, are hard at work getting the funding together for a new Dartmouth library dedicated to increasing awareness of Oldovian culture that will be housed in a twenty-story steel and concrete likeness of Smattenisk. “The tough thing will be getting the EU to unlock our Swiss accounts,” said Jacobs.

• After mulling it over for several days, we decided we’re not any better than this:

“News in briefs”

-Compiled by Matt Laundro

Corrections: The Dartmovth welcomes any and all thanks for producing another flawless issue. Contact [email protected] or (603) 111-1111.

Back Issues: It’s probably just stress and a lack of exercise. Contact a chiropractor though. My cousin Lenny went to one and has felt like a million bucks since.

Subscriptions: If you want the news thing, you had better bring the bling-bling-kaching. Contact [email protected]. No, I don’t have a phone.

The Dartmovth America’s Oldest College Parody. Founded 1909. Newsroom: (603) I-LUV-NEWS E-mail Room: iluvemail@ New S room: (603) I-LUV-THE-S thedartmouth.edu Advertising Room: (603) I-LUV-ADS Letter Room: iluvletters@ Fax Room: (603) I-LUV-FAX thedartmouth.edu Website Room: www.iluvtheweb.com Copyright © 2007 The Dartmovth, Inc. Printed with the Dartmovth, Ink. address. They never tell me, though. They never -“america fuckin rocks” tell me anything. Last known office of publication: The Dartmovth is published whenever it damn well 011 Triton Plaza, Atlantis, Mythica. 21123. All your 3 agree wants to be published. It might come out Monday, submitted property are belong to us. We are the it might come out Friday, it might come out today. State! Then again, it might not. The Dartmovth is printed on the lining of your For advertising information call someone who Mom’s uterus. actually read the paper and has seen what we have to Need to have your opinions reinforced? say about that in the classified section. The Publisher reserves the right to reject your advertisements or post it in some obscure section nobody reads like the The Dartmovth is published by The Dartmovth Inc. international page and make it too small for anyone Go figure. Its officers are King Phillip Omnibus IV to notice. The opinions expressed in advertisements ‘08, Chair Prime; Ignatius E. Guana ’08, Vice Chair; do not necessarily reflect those of The Dartmovth, San Kyu ’08, Musical Chair; Max Legroom ’08, 2nd Inc. except for the numerous advertisements for The Chair, twice removed; Moe Monay ’08, Treasurer- VISIT BORED@BAKER! D. BTW, have you ever considered writing for The Hunter Extraordinaire. With their powers combined D? It’s just my opinion, but you probably should. they become Mighty Mega Chair, completer of Periodical postage paid periodically at some table-sets. http://www.boredatbaker.com/ NEWS The Dartmovth Page 

The West Lebanon IMAX presents

Narrated by me... everyone's friend The Pongy! PONG BALL EXPERIENCE SEE THE WORLD THROUGH THE EYES OF A PONG BALL! “Fuckin’ tight!” - Celia Franklin, Valley Post Page  The Dartmovth NEWS Student parties late, vomits, sleeps through 10A

By JANE DOUGH Sources close to Tarkin estimate did not emerge from the Phi Delta Tarkin ended the evening The Dartmovth Staff that he consumed a “shitload” of Alpha basement until around 11:00 “just crashed the fuck out” on the Or Keystone Light over the course PM, to induce vomiting on the common room couch of friend Dartmouth undergraduate and of the evening, even though he porch. and former roommate Cyrus club rugby player Brad Tarkin ‘08 “wasn’t even planning on hanging “I just had too much liquid Throckmorton ‘08’s Russell Sage “raged so fucking hard last night” out.” Indeed, according to Tarkin, in my stomach,” Tarkin said. dorm room. “Cockmorton was that today he had to “take a fucking the original plan for last night had “But there were freshman girls putting up some bullshit about der consisted of simply “chilling the watching me—what was I gonna having a girl over, but there was no nap and totally sleep though [his] gay-ass 10A.” Tarkin did not fuck out” and watching television. do, stop chugging like some fag?” way I was walking all the way back appear upset in the slightest that Tarkin’s self-described “descent Faced with a difficult situation, to the Fayers. So I just told him to he missed his class; in fact, he into the Blackout Zone” began at Tarkin said he had little difficulty cram it and get me a trash can in s seemed somewhat proud. “It’s a approximately 8:45 PM, when a deciding the correct course of case I had to fucking boot again,” EBA Women’s Studies course anyway,” group of his friends saw him in action. “I had to pull the trigger,” said Tarkin. “Because I did.” continued Tarkin. “What a fucking Thayer Hall and invited him to Tarkin said. “Brad only pukes on Throckmorton could not be right joke.” play a game of beer pong. Tarkin his own terms.” reached for comment. New COSO organization founded to secure COSO funding

By NEWSBOT 98-G Students for Funding. According to you know,” Paulus said. “It takes a said Paulus. “That’s why I’ve been now The Dartmovth Staff the SFF’s constitution, its aim is to lot of nitty-gritty.” trying to set up a new student “pursue the acquisition of Council After inspiration hit, Paulus organization to facilitate that After having founded a handful on Student Organizations (COSO) contacted his two closest friends, process.” Paulus’s new brainchild, of internationally active and funds, with the aim of creating an Dirk Darkenescu ’09 and Burt Students for Students for Funding, socially just campus organizations endowment to fund other student Pratt ’09. They enthusiastically has not yet been recognized as you such as Students for Africa and initiatives, such as the starting of supported Paulus’s idea. “Rupert’s an official organization by COSO. Students for Reproductive Rights, new pro-funding organizations.” always coming up to me with dumb Fortunately for Paulus, Students Rupert Paulus ’09 has turned his Paulus says he took the idea of an ideas, like Students for Hygiene for Funding was there to come attention back to Dartmouth. “I ever-expanding network of COSO or Students for Condoleezza Rice to his rescue, and has formed was sitting in Novack for the first organizations from watching time- or Students for Arms--you know, a committee to explore funding ugly meeting of Bedridden Students of lapse video footage of a spreading ideas that are only meant to drain options for the new group. Dartmouth, and nobody showed malignant tumor. money from COSO. But this one... “I had a dream,” Paulus said up. I started thinking to myself, Students for Funding also hopes this one is different,” Pratt said. between mouthfuls of Jewel of ‘What are students for? What are to create and finance a series of Paulus agrees with Pratt’s India fare at the first Students for they really, you know, for?’” large, unwieldy subcommittees to assessment. “I think this is Funding Students for Students for little Soon afterwards, a new student further facilitate its core mission. something everybody can really Funding meeting, “and this was organization was conceived: “Getting COSO funding isn’t easy, get behind, particularly students,” pretty much it.” troll

Why make a good ad? You’re gonna do it anyway. Aren’t you? Ya lazy drunk.

EBAs “Holy shit, we’re rich!” NEWS The Dartmovth Page  Dartmouth Review hits kitten with hammer Police Blotter Campus opinion divided By DUNCAN DONUTS “antithetical to the principles on Thurmond Baimbridge Mayflower The Dartmovth Staff which this College was founded” ’09, in a private interview in his Jan. 7, 5 Webster Avenue, in a long e-mail sent to the palatial off-campus apartment. 10:16 p.m. Around a hundred students campus this morning, and Student “Why did the Student Life Initiative in the Collis Center main dining room last night bore witness to a largely unwelcome demonstration of free speech: the editorial staff of hitting a kitten with a ball-peen hammer. At approximately 6:00 pm, five Review staffers, naked to the waist and in full blackface, entered Collis carrying the hammer, a small portable stereo, and a Chinese take-out box. As “Flight of the Valkyries” blared through the stereo, a staff member opened the take-out box. It turned out to contain a newborn tabby kitten, which the staffer removed and positioned atop a table. Another staff member then raised the hammer and, to audible gasps from onlookers, delivered several sharp Shit prepares to go down. blows to the kitten’s head, back and hindquarters. Following the Assembly passed a resolution attempt to destroy this campus’s attack, the dazed kitten crawled condemning the Review staff as worthiest and longest-standing Jan. 8, 7 Webster Avenue, from table to table, dragging a hind “dicks.” Black & Decker Hammers traditions? Why do Dartmouth’s 2:42 a.m. leg and mewing plaintively. quickly withdrew its sponsorship racially biased admissions criteria “It was so sad,” said Katie Mills of the paper. promote a contorted standard of ’10, who witnessed the beating. Not all students, however, ‘diversity’ that disenfranchises “Why would anyone ever do have come down against the those unlucky enough to be born something like that?” Review’s actions. Some, such as without ‘Get Into College Free’ The demonstration was a Phil Ossophy ’08, see the paper as skin? Why is President Wright a fundraiser for trustee candidate more desperate than dangerous. spineless bureaucrat, sold lock, and mass murderer Samuel “Those guys are totally stock and barrel to the fun police “The Sunday School Strangler” attention-starved,” he said. “It’s like and diversity-mongers that are Hutchins. The Review has they know Dartmouth is slipping squeezing the lifeblood out of this vociferously backed Hutchins, inexorably out of their grasp, and once-proud and exclusively male who is not a Dartmouth graduate they’ll do anything they can, no campus?” and is serving eight consecutive matter how bizarre or pointless, to A. Chesterfield Armoire III ’07, life sentences for child rape, first- assert their continued existence. editor-in-chief of the Review, was degree murder and impersonating “It’s kind of funny, really,” said pensive following the controversy. a milkman. Review staffers said Ossophy. “Funny and sad.” “Dartmouth claims to be all DA$H sales at the event were Perhaps the most vociferous about ‘community’ and ‘inclusion,’ disappointing. defenses of the Review’s actions, but it hasn’t been very inclusive The spectacle has provoked however, have come from within the of us, and that really hurts,” widespread protest. President ranks of the Review itself. “Why did Armoire said. “I mean, we’re not Wright called the Review’s actions we hit that kitten?” said treasurer monsters.”

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ZOMBIE from page 1 I guess we thought we might be party, we put Cousteau and Fish at a junior college near their “We think we learned a valuable doing something illegal,” said AD Nipples in a cage, just like real Jacksonville, KY home. “He might lesson,” said Kilder. “We need to Cousteau and Fish Nipples,” said president Rufus Kilder ’07, “but zombies,” said Kilder. “They were not act the same, or sing like he figure out what we can do to stop Hazenlots. “We named the one that Haitian college dean said they really getting into the act. “It was used to, or have a nose, or refrain kids like John from engaging in guy Cousteau because they were had nowhere to go. Besides, they hilarious when girls got close to from biting at every available risky behaviors in the mistaken French, and the other Fish Nipples were real hard working. And it the cage--they’d rush toward them opportunity, but he still has those belief that doing so will make them because he had really fishy-looking was hilarious to make them chug- and crash into the bars, gnashing eyes, and he’s my son no matter look cool. Eating your friends and nipples.” -they’d just let the beer run down their teeth. We thought they were what,” she said. turning them into zombies isn’t so The brothers remained their faces and grunt. In French, I screwing around, but I guess they Meanwhile, life goes on at AD. cool.” relatively unconcerned about guess.” were for real.” their in-house interns, whom In a twist of fate, AD only Cece Gomez ’07, who attended they described as “laid-back” learned of the Haitian students’ real the party, was the first to recognize and “not obviously driven by an identities as flesh-starved undead the students’ odor as distinct from insatiable desire to consume the shades at a zombie-themed party the ambient stench of stale urine, living.” “In the back of our minds, thrown six weeks ago. “For the beer and sweat that characterizes most AD parties. “I know a corpse when I smell one,” said Gomez. Some students want swords “All my friends were saying, ‘No, it’s just pee,’ but I was like, ‘Yeah-- HONOUR from page 1 suggested that Phi Beta Kappa dead pee.’ It smelled like the beef Honor Society assume the Honour brisket at Food Court.” Department has been a vocal critic Society’s mantle. “I’m a gifted Gomez placed a Good Samaritan of the group, whose ideas he called biologist. So of course I know what call to S&S, who quickly identified “ancient.” When asked about this it takes to make a well-rounded the students as the victim of dread morning’s episode, Balandino said, person,” said Penny Pincha ’07, a magicks beyond the reach of any “‘Honor’ is an antiquated vestigial member of Phi Beta Kappa who but the most fevered nightmares. premodern subjective construct supports the idea of a merger. “It By then, sadly, it was too late--Dist, that has absolutely no place in an takes a sword. And a willingness as part of his pledge activities, school. This is the real to use that sword at the slightest had already submitted to a “bite- world. If you can’t stab people in provocation.” The administration me-as-hard-as-you-can-then-chug” the back to get ahead, you’d be has also made it clear that it contest with Cousteau. By the time better off back at Clown University intends, one way or another, to find Dick’s House could consult the in Munich.” a replacement for the deceased Necronomicon, the occult master Already, however, there is students. “We’d already ordered tome from the dark realms where talk among the student body about fifty gauntlets, and I’d hate light knows no foothold, Dist was about replacing the now-defunct to have them go to waste,” said beyond help. Using vast reserves organization. Some students have Provost Red Whitenbleu. of cursed strength, Dist escaped from Dick’s House and had not been seen again until his discovery Fed up? in AD’s basement early yesterday morning. The two Haitian students are currently being kept in a biochemical lab in Dartmouth- Don’t like the direction Hitchcock Medical Center pending their extradition to Haiti. Kimberly the country is headed? Dist, John’s mother, has withdrawn her son from Dartmouth and enrolled him in night classes Above: undead AD brother John Dist ’09. Want to do something about it? Now you can.

Join the YOUNG DEMOCRATS and start making the world the way it should be.

Young Democrats: like nothing else. NEWS The Dartmovth Page  Awesome idea met with futile criticism Thanks for writing for the D! LIBRARY from page 1 Epsilon fraternities, would become Several fraternities have made walk-in museums in an exhibit an official pact with dissenting materials used to create the library currently titled, “The Way We members of SA to start an would be certified rape-free. Were: Our Terrible History.” Kap alternative student governing body. Oh wait... The proposal is the latest from pa Kappa Kappa fraternity would This new organization, dubbed an SA administration that many become a “Safety Playground” “Student Sweet Awesomebly” by its You DON’T write for the D. have criticized as being too overtly where visitors could leave anonymous creators, has already political, and comes only two their children without concern. met once in secret, and passed a months after the ill-fated legislative The biggest project involves two-part resolution, “to offer an push to castrate the members transforming Phi Delt into a mine alternative to Student Assembly’s I’m sorry, I thought you were of Theta Delta Chi fraternity in cart ride through a typical fraternity partisan and counterproductive an effort to “penetrate the meat- party, complete with animatronic leadership,” and “to chug.” SSA someone cool and important packed skulls of Dartmouth’s brothers that spring out from has already won sympathy from frat dinosaurs by cutting off what nowhere to make unwanted many students who say members and relevent to our changing they value most: their patriarchal advances at the rider, as well as a have done a great job expanding oppression-tools.” The motion simulation of the shenanigans that GreenPrint facilities and repairing society. You know, someone caused a stir that divided the body go on in a typical fraternity “rape BlitzMail terminals. against itself. Several weeks after room.” Sororities would be moved Despite these developments, who makes a difference. that incident, SA treasurer Dean to a safe, undisclosed location and unresolved concerns that SA’s Brandoness ’07 fired a marine flare while any remaining fraternities $45,000 budget will not be able to through a ground-floor Phi Delta would be bulldozed, their building absorb the costs of the project, Alpha fraternity, incinerating the materials used to construct an in- estimated at $60 million, Allswell My bad. fraternity’s pool table, scorching house Planned Parenthood clinic. insisted that construction on the the walls and sending several Despite hopes that this would Andreadis Presidential Library FYI: If you read the D, and don’t brothers to Dick’s House for minor alleviate any concerns harbored by would begin by early 2009. “We medical treatment and counseling. Greek members, most remained have a mandate,” Allswell said. write for the D, then you’re The proposal has only skeptical of the proposals and When asked to elaborate, Allswell heightened the dissatisfaction of several left of the meeting before grew defensive. “Yeah, it’s a pretty STEALING. numerous students and several Allswell finished. “I don’t mean wide mandate. I think I have members of the council with SA’s to rain on your parade,” said Phi it stored on one of our private Police! Someone is stealing increasingly insular leadership. In Delt president Tom Dickanharry computers. Why don’t you guys an apparent conciliatory gesture, ’07, “but a lot of people are living just wait for an anonymous source our content and is too lazy to SA Planning Chief Gerry Allswell in those houses too. What are you to send it to you so you can write a ’07 explained in an open letter to planning in terms of replacing our biased article about it? Nothing is offer up his or her own meager the campus that SA leadership housing?” Allswell said those fears sacred to you vultures.” was amenable to changes in the were unfounded and that many Meanwhile, SA has been trying talent in exchange! proposed plans that would leave of the students would actually to stem damage to its public image. several of the fraternity structures be encouraged to remain in their This morning, a campus-wide e- Police! intact. “We could easily incorporate former homes, adding to the mail was sent out from Student some of the houses into the frat exhibit’s charm as a “living Assembly’s BlitzMail account. The building as part of an exhibit,” said museum.” However, this did little short e-mail seemed to send mixed Allswell. Allswell discussed the to placate fraternity members, who messages. “We don’t have any planned changes at an emergency chafed at the notion of being forced plans to tear down Frat Row. We Fed up? meeting between SA and the Inter- to wear t-shirts emblazoned with love working with the fraternity Fraternity Council, and attended the words “Mindless Chauvinist system. The fraternity system is an by The Dartmovth, late last night. Fossil” in order to keep their indispensable addition to campus,” Under the revised blueprints, housing. it said. “Now watch your backs. Don’t like the direction several of the houses, including “This sucks balls,” said Signed, The SA Mother-Fucking Alpha Xi Alpha and Chi Gamma Dickanharry. President.” the country is headed?

Want to do something about it? Now you can.

Join the COLLEGE REPUBLICANS and start making the world the way it should be.

WHEELOCK BOOKS College Republicans: Fuck yeah! like nothing else. Page  The Dartmovth THE CONTROVERSIAL PAGE Day Against Hate ends in hate Moose, Native American battle on Green the Native American sprang to his “I think he was still in a bad mood By VIOLA ENTS gave the crowd a confused wave By RIGOR MORTIS The Dartmovth Staff after apparently recognizing the The Dartmovth Stiff feet as the moose swung down its from coming home alone after the The campus at large thronged use of his name, dropped his pasta Students headed to afternoon massive head to deliver a fatal bite, costume party last night, and the onto the Green yesterday in a mass and began running toward Baker classes yesterday played audience and managed to wrestle the beast moose just happened to look at demonstration against a racially library when he understood the to a violent spectacle as a young, into a headlock. “It was pretty him the wrong way at the wrong insensitive entry on the blog of crowd’s intent. muscular Native American in exciting,” said Greg McSonof ’09. time.” undergraduate Samuel “Ironsides” “I’m sorry about the blog,” said traditional garb and an enraged “If I hadn’t already been late for my Perhaps because of the sheer Gorefest ’08. Groups banded Gorefest between moans as he was adult male moose met in combat 2A, I probably would have stayed brutality of the display and its together, enemies became friends tied to a column of the Collis porch on the Green. Unsure whom to to watch. But the class grade has a jarring anticlimax, students seemed and people with no leadership and pelted with stale tea bread support, bystanders merely looked strong attendance component, and all too willing to quickly forget positions on campus got to talk from Collis Café. “In hindsight, on, expressing a range of emotions McDermick’s a real dick about the moose/Native American/Big loudly into a microphone. The that thing about Mexican people from shock to excitement as the enforcing it.” Green bus battle. “Sure, it was flood of student sympathy for the was in pretty poor taste.” This only two combatants wrestled and It was during this stage of weird, but hey, it’s Dartmouth and victims of Gorefest’s “You Might served to increase the crowd’s punched with hands and hooves the tussle, which carried the crazy stuff can happen,” said Sarah be a Mexican If…” top ten list agitation, however, and several of on the Green. “I don’t know how combatants over into the nearby DeValdenstein ’08. “I mean, one quickly acquired a definitive name: the stronger participants threw it started,” said Tyler Grimmski street, where tragedy ensued as the time I saw this really drunk guy the Day to Hate Hate. patio furniture at the helpless ’08. “They just appeared on the pair were both struck by a speeding jump out of a window. Crazy!” “It’s just so great to finally see conservative on-line columnist. Green and started going at it. My Big Green bus. “I don’t know what When pressed specifically this campus fighting back against The evening’s planned money’s on the moose.” to say. It’s a terrible situation,” said about seeing the event as a wildly something real and definite, like candlelight vigil ended up being While many students hurried Connor Dentsworth ’06. “At this improbable symbolic enactment of hate,” said Sarah Enrapp ’07. a loud torchlight mob-scene past the deadly combat on the point, it seems safe to say that our the struggle between supporters “It’s a simple message we can over the unconscious body of Green without stopping to watch, alternative biodiesel bus can do of the Dartmoose and Indian as all embrace: we will not tolerate Gorefest, who was later rushed none could ignore the great yawls anything that a gasoline powered potential Dartmouth mascots, hate, no matter what form it takes: to Dartmouth Hitchcock Medical of the massive beast as it suffered vehicle can, including seriously DeValdenstein just laughed. “What racism, sexism or Samuel Gorefest Center. He remains unconscious blow after blow from its nimble injure two at high speeds. My are you talking about?” she said. ’08.” When asked exactly how the and in serious condition. opponent. Eyewitnesses to the sadness is somehow tempered by “Are you saying it was one of those student body planned to display its Reaction to the event has not event reported that the Native a sense of accomplishment.” The Dartmouth traditions? I’m not into unified intolerance of these varied been uniformly positive, however. American, who was not a student moose was taken immediately those.” forms of hate, Enrapp looked back “Hey, I hate hate as much as the of the College, was wearing back to Canada, where the natural with a determined eye and said, next guy,” said a passing student moccasins, allowing him to pelt the air and green, green woods did it a “We will show that we will not who asked to remain anonymous. creature with silent, swift attacks. world of good according to animal TAKE LING 082: accept Samuel Gorefest, and we “But this seems an awfully limited “He must have gotten them from care specialists that facilitated the will do it in our own way.” definition of hate.” The student the Foot Locker in West Leb,” said transport. The Native American, THE STUDY OF Following the initial round of stopped short of expressing direct Carl Carlton III ’07. “They looked Charles Martwood, a visiting IMPERATIVES. speeches on the Green, students sympathy with Gorefest, whom real comfortable.” sophomore attending Cornell and some faculty engaged in a he claimed had been in one of Several minutes into the fray, University, remains in serious but YOU WILL TAKE THIS silent march down Main Street and his Government courses. “I’m not however, the moose appeared to stable condition at Dartmouth back around the Green. Holding going to lie… kind of a douche,” gain the upper hand, knocking the Hitchcock Medical Center. “I CLASS. large placards reading “No Blood he said, gesticulating toward the Native American into the ground don’t know why he did it,” said TAKE IT, DAMN YOU! for Gorefest” and “End Gorefest in unconscious Gorefest as vultures and trouncing him with one of Mart Hardwick ’09, who claimed Our Time” students occasionally circled overhead. its great hooves. “It was exactly he had been hosting Martwood. broke the silence by chanting, Despite the detours from the what you’d expect in a fight with “Fall in a ditch and die, Gorefest!” original programming, Enrapp a moose,” said Biology Prof. In an act of counter-protest, called the event a success. “We Stevenson John. “It doesn’t matter Fed up? The Dartmouth Review hired a may not have done it the way we who a moose is facing; that’s just zeppelin to fly a banner proclaiming had expected, but we still got our a classic moose go-to move in any “Gorefest is a human being” across message across: If you’re involved fight. And if you’re not ready, then the Green. The message was with the spreading of hate, we’ll watch out!” Don’t like the direction booed loudly by the protesters. find you and fuck you up.” But the fight was not over yet: “When you see things like [the the country is headed? Review banner], it just reminds you how important it is to have days like this,” said Riley Steinmeister ’09 during the march. “We can’t let the hate continue. We have to Want to do something root it out, hunt it down, humiliate it and then beat it senseless. about it? Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. Or, in this case, with a bunch of rocks.” The protest reached its peak Now you can. when Gorefest himself was spotted by parade participants walking across the Green eating Collis pasta from a to-go box. The crowd Join the simmered with antipathy, insulted by the cockiness displayed by one ANARCHIST FRONT of the most virulent and despised forms of hate. “We must make our position known,” said Enrapp, and and let’s burn this began yelling defiant slogans at the seemingly oblivious Gorefest. bitch down! “Dartmouth is against hate,” Enrapp said, “and if it takes us beating this patriarchal, hate- filled student with a deck chair Anarchist front: to prove it then that’s a sacrifice we’re willing to make! We will not because you’re young apologize! That’s not what hating hate is all about!” Crowd members roared in response and shook and stupid. their signs. Gorefest, who initially WORLD & NATION The Dartmovth Page  WORLD WAR II OVER AT LAST!!! By DAN G. NABBIT a member of the rowing team, the were told that it was safe to swim. won than lost, but I can’t help but The Dartmovth Staff strapping Brick Bradley ’08. Upon hearing the news, feel that there’s a whole world out The war in the Pacific is over. “I don’t know much about President Wright spoke of his pride there, and most of what goes on That’s the latest news trickling this war stuff,” said Bradley, who in the College for bearing up under there is bad.” into Hanover from big cities like admits he rarely watches the news. the dark shadow of fascism, and of Others were more sanguine Washington, Boston and New “But hey, it’s definitely helping me his great joy at the disappearance about future news from the wire. York, confirming the buzz that had out with the gals tonight, so I’m all of that shadow, perhaps for ever. “You want to know who our future overtaken campus gossip circles for it.” Then, ever the character, he gave a enemies are? Well, I’ll tell you throughout the last few weeks. This follows on the news, great holler, hopped up on his desk in one word: communists,” said The news of our victory over the brought a little more than a year and began to tap dance vigorously. president of combined forces of Italy, Germany ago by a visiting Columbia a capella While many students expressed Republicans Mort Winterbottoms and Japan has occasioned a general group, that Europe had fallen and a sense of relief and jubilation ’07. Winterbottoms was tabling for state of hullabaloo at the campus. Hitler was dead. The celebrations for the victory, some expressed “Duck and Cover Toward Victory,” Several student organizations that followed included a string concern that future wars may a recent awareness fundraiser have already begun the work of of fraternity-sponsored parties Artist’s Rendition be inevitable. “As far as I know promoting the use of school dismantling the college’s wartime including an “Omaha Beach in our Time Fryers.” we’re already at war with someone desks as deterrents to nuclear apparatus for a peaceful world. Party” at Sigma Alpha Epsilon and The final peacemaking blow, else, somewhere else,” said Ellen explosives hosted by the College “I’m just elated,” said Chrissy “V-E Tails with D.J. Barbarossa” the campus just found out, was Degenerates ’08 as she stood in Republicans. Tangor ’09. “It feels like I’ve been sponsored by Alpha Xi Alpha. dealt when two large bombs were line for nylon. Once a rare material “For all we know,” said waiting forever to hear this news. DDS, which had changed the utilized to annihilate two cities in reserved for parachutes, nylon’s Winterbottoms, “we could be I feel so happy I could just kiss a names of Chicken Parms to “Let’s Japan. Soon after, the American return has already changed fighting it out in the jungles of sailor.” Unfortunately, no returning Really Take it to Fascism Burgers” fleet was ordered to take a victory the peacetime campus with the Leningrad tomorrow, so it pays to sailors were to be seen, forcing used the announcement of peace lap around the southern Japanese increasing visibility of parachute stay informed. That way nothing Tangor to share her elation with with Italy to rename them “Peace island of Kyushu and all personnel pants on the Green. “I’d rather we surprises you.” CLASSIFIEDS weekdays this is not until “six in Wanted: Weapons of mass Wanted: videotape of 1965 version For Sale: Patrick. Freckled. tha monin’” Our offices are in destruction to send to family of Othello starring Laurence Overalls. Chipped tooth. Likes OUR POLICY: In the undying Robinson Hall but knock if there is members overseas. will take Olivier as Othello. Maybe I could Chicken Noodle Soup, Carrots. words of Snoop Dogg, we’ve got a sock on the doorknob. biological or nuclear. no chemicals, just borrow it? Phone: 784-3998 our “minds on [our] money, and please. I need to see it for Film 43/AAAS [our] money on [our] minds.” Wanted: A Dyslexic scrabble Also Pauly Shore movies. 34: Laurence Olivier: The Man of LOST: Pair of beige sneakers. If you want advertising space, you enthusiast that I can plya against. Blitz: [email protected] All Cultures. Untied. Roll of bills hidden in are going to have demonstrate that Blitz: ilovescraddle@Dartmouth. Blitz: Eminemlover@dartmouth. toe. Low demoninations on you, like us, have both money and edu VISIT: Alumni Gym! edu outside, high on inside. They have a mind, and each is on the other. LOSE YOURSELF: some weight presidents on them. Our ad rates are incremental. Each Wanted: Fruit. Any kind. Any AND GET: some self respect, Wanted: someone to open the Last seen at Paddock Music of the ‘ill rhymez [that] you spit” condition. tubby. dryer. help. please. someone? i’m Library. If I don’t get the money by costs one “bill.” In the case of not-for- Needed as soon as possible. stuck in here. also I need bandaids. Sunday, I won’t have toes. In which profits and campus organizations Blitz: [email protected] Wanted: Comically small pencils. There’s lint in my throat. case, I won’t need the sneakers. this rate is subsidized. We are just We are hoping to get every single Blitz: S&S, please. Phone: 491-2912 trying to “keep it real. What up?” Wanted: Children’s trampoline comically small pencil that exists For publication, submit classified for adult film starring miniature on earth. Wanted: Homeplate’s Dijon before my bedposts stop creaking actors. Blitz: Baker Reference Desk Mayo. Needed to exterminate ant while I “bone my shorty.” Most Phone: 934-8392 infestation in home-made panini. Pesto would also do. Blitz: MyAuntieNini@Dartmouth. AN OLD FRIEND RETURNS By Haul Peintz ’06 edu

Wanted: Campus Newspaper with journalistic integrity. Don’t need to be the oldest anything, just need to be able to spell correctly. (And not even taht.) Blitz:

Wanted: A window sill to cool all the pies I’m making. I’ve made pies out of every single thing you can buy at topside. I just hope Pip McMuffin doesn’t steal my Salt and Vinegar Potato Chip Pie like he did my Hostess Fruit Pie Pie. I’ll box him smartly about his ears, I will. Phone: 938-3288

YEP, STILL NORTH Drew By Lerman ’10 Wanted: Justice. Any old kind will do. Mob justice. Blind justice. Second-hand justice. Divine justice. Vigilante justice. League justice. Street justice. Criminal justice. Deep-fried justice. I just want justice for my shitty room draw number. Blitz: MeWantJustice@dartmouth. edu

Wanted: Bright interesting youth for enrollment at Yale. Do you know any? Perhaps you have a smarter cousin? Page 10 OPINION Me big legacy! Why me no accepted? I’ll just let Untamed Publications do the talking Shock! Disbelief! These are How bad are DDS’s pricing me? “That’ll cost you an extra sixty Rub into me,” she said, nudging her words me use to describe shock practices? I can’t even say. I’d cents!” I gulped in fear, my hands pelvis onto my thigh. So I tagged and disbelief me feel that me denied love to be able to express my unwilling to reach for his crotch, along. But so did my buddy, and he entry into Dartmouth College. indignation at paying $7 for a Food still so neatly covered by tight dusty forgot his dining card back in his Travesty! This is word me use to Court hamburger that I could blue denim. I still get peeved when dorm room. Guess what lunch cost describe great travesty that befall have gotten off the dollar menu at I think about it. us both? $26.50! That afternoon, me. Me want be all I can be! Me McDonald’s, but I lack the verbal Do you ever feel like some I explored his vagina with the not understand why admissions firepower for the task. I’m simply finger food at FoCo? I remember enthusiasm of a teenage boy. people not understanding on this too upset for words. late one evening (yes, it was Man, with these price tags, we subject. Nooooooooo! Well, too upset for my words. a Friday...) when a craving for might as well resort to cannibalism! Me legacy on six sides. Me That’s why I’m turning the job chicken tenders hit. “Is it ok for I had never tasted myself before. mother, Collis Fuel Wheelock, over to a truly persuasive literary me to finger you?” I asked, hoping. And I didn’t feel disgusted. It was meet me father, Thayer Dartmouth presence: Dartmouth feminist But guess what? Those chicken me. And her. Indian Tuck, at alumni fund- journal Untamed Publications! If tenders will run you north of five Totally fed up, recently I raising event. Me father raise all anything can translate my feelings bucks, thanks to DDS’s absurd scheduled an appointment to money at event. Others at event into ink on paper, it’s actual campus monopoly! Lately, it seems air my grievances with a DDS stuffed sock-puppets. Event pay quotes from Dartmouth’s newest, manager. He moaned and grabbed for Dartmouth drinking water! by Thayer Baker sassiest, barrier-breakin’est print by Matt Welcome ’10 my ass, still forcing myself deeper Apparently admissions committee Tuck III publication. So here goes: I’m going into him until I felt the tip of my not take into account it could to really tell DDS what I think, dick reach his cervix. Needless to be dead of thirst when it decide with a little help from my literary like DDS’s motto is I fucked him say, it didn’t get much farther than whether or not make one young Dartmouth? Me expect better. Me friends! Untamed Publications, when I felt I could, and I never that. Can you say “impenetrable man dream come true. expect thick letter that say YES don’t fail me now! would have known that I could. Or bureaucracy,” anyone? Me have Dartmouth in blood. on cover, instead of NO letter. Me First of all, prices for basic at least it should be. Sheesh! I used to wish President Wright Me conceived at Dartmouth after expect better. Emphasis! food staples—raw fruit and It doesn’t get any better at the would force DDS to improve me parents spend wild night at six Me will not stop being vegetables—are absurdly inflated. salad bar, let me tell you. I recently its monopolistic ways. But back out of Seven Spots. Me have legs of disappointed in Dartmouth until A couple of days ago, I picked up a went to Saturday morning brunch then, I didn’t understand how the Stacks, arms of Baker Tower and things change. But this is the only fresh, juicy pear from the bowl near with a friend from the Film Society. whole Dartmouth racket was run. chest of steps of Dartmouth Hall. thing. Me love all other traditions, the checkout line. “I wanna eat you I became excited by his wetness, and I did not understand that there were Me bleed green if could! Me doctor like the Big Green. Me bring back now,” I told her. Boy, did I! But how lubed my own dick with his juice, female-to-male transsexual men take away green food coloring. No the Big Green. But only when me much should a plain old pear cost? jacking off in a Dionysian frenzy. who were interested in other men. one question me commitment, is is SA president. Me only is SA Fifty, sixty cents, right? Wrong! A But a good time turned bad when I also had yet to learn that Asian all me saying. president when me is member dollar-frickin’-twenty! I suddenly we learned that vegetables—even men have small penises. But even Me family Dartmouth of class of ’2011. Flabbergasted! felt like our flirtatiousness had been cheap ones like iceberg lettuce!— knowing what I know now, I wish staple from time immemorial. Me is trying to convey that me is a farce, I felt scared, angry. cost north of $14 a pound! I could someone would magically develop GraniteofNewHampshire! This flabbergasted that big YES letter That very same meal, I decided feel him tensing up as he grabbed his the little dick, engorged and enlarged word me use to describe Granite has still not arrived. Maybe letter to make the switch from my usual clit, his dick. I tried to keep calm in by testosterone to do something of , which me love. lost in mail? Me checking mail Diet Coke over to something the face of those high prices, but it about the situation. That would Me grandfather invent Granite now, hold on one second. healthy: cranberry juice. Damn. I really put a damper on the mood. be the best thing for this school of New Hampshire! Before me Me back. No mail lost. wanted to, needed to, bad. Guess Or grabbing dinner with a since THE DISCOVERY OF THE grandfather, was just shale. Dartmouth forgotten all me what the guy at the register told female friend? “I want you to cum. CLITORIS Me all right for Brown, but me family has done for it. This sucks. demand education. Me considered Me will go to Columbia and live life quintessential American Scholar at of luxury. Me start new traditions BOX A MANTIS Oxford, but me uncomfortable with at Columbia, like drink to excess Seriously, do it stodgy British conception of sexual and Big Green. Columbians identity. Me accepted at Vassar for appreciate me. Columbians not who me is, not content of me. Me say me nepotistic. This hurt. Me I think I have a chance with even know what hit her. I’ll swoop which I do not, N.H. would be go there if me not embroiled in not nepot, me person. Person with that girl in my Chem class! down so fast. Suave, too. “Hey, we my last choice. Yes, I asked him blood-feud with Kelswicks, hated lots of money. Me do anything to don’t need to play games anymore. to do some of my homework one clan of Vassar-educated blue- get to Dartmouth. Me willing to Hey there, guys: You want me; I want you. Instead time, but it was because: 1. He set bloods. But me point is, why not pay you. Pay you in money. Or of eye contact, let’s make genital the curve on the midterm, and 2. expect same acceptance of fine me name library after your stupid You all might want to sit down contact. From now on.” I know, My good-looking, sensitive, well- academic learning place where me family. You become tradition. for this. I’ve got some big news. I have to work on that last part a endowed boyfriend’s formal was want to learn and academic like Then you see how tough it is. I think I might finally score with little bit. It sounded better in front that night. Sarah, that hot girl in my Chem of the mirror, trust me. I friended him on Facebook as class. You know the one I’m talking a nice gesture, and because I’m about, the one who always bends Sincerely, in a race with my friend Dana to over to unzip her bag and you N.H. Forowaych ’09 get 1,000 friends I don’t know and America’s Oldest College Parody. Founded 1909. can kind of see the top part of her can’t stand. He’d posted on my wall underwear? And sometimes a few in two minutes flat. Give a creep an Silent But Deadly inches of butt? Yes, the one who inch, right? Fred Meyer ’08 Alex Rogers ’08 He doesn’t. Motherf ers friended me on Facebook after I Besides, he smells like a did her homework for her. I mean, To the Editor: sweating musk ox doused in Collis Off Campus But Important she friended me! pasta... Blech! Owen Parsons ’08 Dylan Kane ’08 She totally wants me. I just want to make it clear On Campus But Drunk Man, I just can’t wait till I see that even if I had plans to hook up Sincerely, Justine Sterling ’07 Nathan Chung ’07 Sarah out one night. She won’t with anyone in the hard sciences, Sarah Aychtu-Owe ’09 Alex Fidel ’09 Latif Nasser ’08 Opinion & Editorial Policy Tyler Quinn ’10 Jeremy Teicher ’10 Zachary Gottlieb ’10 You want an opinion? We’ll give embody the views you supposedly set in-Chief at the Dartmovth Mansion, this On the Blitz List But Strangers With Funny Names you an opinion. You asked for it, buddy. out to mock. Your sexuality becomes publication’s palatial pleasure palace. That sweater makes you look frumpy fluid when you’re drunk--a disgusting, No bullshit, please, or the Dartmovth Katarina Kralj-Madiraca Jeannie Wong Noel Mariyampillai Quinton Klabon and ill-at-ease. You’ll never make any sticky, embarrassing fluid that everyone Bunnies will set the security gorillas Sean Plottner Cyrus Peterpaul money with a Sociology major. You wishes you’d keep in its bottle. You’re loose on your self-indulgent ass. They’re Omar Pardesi need dental work, and maybe a new loud because you’re fat. You’re going very strict about quality. The Dartmovth Other Amusing Words, Which All Begin With C For No Particular Reason nose. Your eyes are too close together. to die alone. Bunnies, that is. And the gorillas. Canoodle Calypso Nobody’s impressed when you play the As far as editorial policy goes, the Did you know that Peruvian Caulk Crazen same song every time you and another Dartmovth welcomes editorials, we Gorillas actually do not speak a word Crumblies Cucamonga person are in a room with a piano. guess. They can be hand-delivered on a of English? This means that your cries alisthenics Ceric Winer C Your racist jokes make it seem like you square of spotted deer skin to the Editor- are in vain. Unless you speak Spanish. ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT The Dartmovth Page 11 “Debra Hunt Unchained” leaves audience wanting

By SEVERE INFECTION only a moment to take a bite out “vomit” what looked like a gallon The Dartmovth Staph a sandwich, an act that other of fake bile on his dress shirt. Upper Valley locals and students critics have positively described They really should have put out a alike flocked to the Moore Theater as allowing the audience to see warning that the front row was a last Friday for what had been billed the full range of the actress as splash zone before we got on this as “the crown jewel of New York’s a human being with real needs crazy carnival ride. One-Woman dramas.” However, and hungers, suddenly started Then, with a final “Fuck many were disappointed to find that gagging and yelling off-stage. you all,” Hunt collapsed in the not only did the show feature more “Oh my God! Oh my God, there’s aisle and never spoke again for than the title actress, but the actual fucking peanut-something in this the entire show. Her presence plot featured none of the razor sandwich,” among a few other one- accounted for only seven minutes quips or powerful acts of physical liners I was unable to make out, of the performance! While many dexterity that have garnered none of which seemed to add to left before the final curtain, some Debra Hunt numerous accolades her previous scene work or hit with continued to stare at the pathetic and five Timmy nominations. The the audience. Things went from sculpture of gore as if expecting entire evening was jam-packed strange to just plain disturbing as something more for their money. with disappointment and by the Hunt, her skin now blotched and This continued for some fifteen end the only thing more I wanted bumpy, staggered back onstage minutes until another actor who Great waste of space, or greatest waste of space? Or, art? was my hour and a half back. and shouted for “someone to must have hidden himself among The show started out please get me a goddamn epi-pen!” the audience came up from his promisingly enough. Ms. Hunt, Several members of the audience seat, checked Hunt and then a Juilliard graduate whose past walked out right then. yelled, “This isn’t a joke! She’s BLEAK: Artistic marvel or huge accomplishments have included the I wished I had gone with really having an allergic reaction!” starring role in the stage-musical them when Hunt dashed into the Not ten minutes later several stupid pile of dumb old sand? adaptation of the television mystery audience, coughing loudly, and other actors, all clad in paramedic thriller Murder! She Sang, and grabbed a front-row audience garb, burst into the Moore and By THE BY, the Swine: Searing Truths and the work as an activist in the fight for member by the shirt collar, yelling, carried Hunt off to tepid applause How are you holding up? Philistine Oblivion of the Low.” carrier pigeon weight restrictions, “Help me, I’m fucking dying!” This from the remaining audience The Barrows Rotunda, the Ultimately, Düüng decided against began with a short, comedic riff brash symbol of the angry, injured members, who were perhaps circular glass-enclosed space in the project: “As devastatingly on vaginas. Her personal, direct woman practically hits you over uncertain about whether this was the Hopkins Center reserved for recriminatory as ‘Swine’ would tone as she looked directly down the head with its staid feminist in fact the denouement. student art exhibitions, welcomed have been, bestowing upon the at the audience gave the entire message of female subjectivity If this is the modern avant-garde, an audacious and little-explained masses’ squalor the second life of monologue an unrehearsed, casual “choking” in the oppressive I suppose I will have to consider new exhibit this week: a large pile cinema would only immortalize tone that was at once disarming atmosphere of the patriarchy. For myself a traditionalist from now of sand. that squalor. I wouldn’t give them and personalizing, even despite such a fresh thinker as Hunt, the on. I would recommend skipping The exhibit is the senior thesis the satisfaction.” the height of the trapeze wire from whole scene was terribly cliché, out on Hunt’s performance al- of studio art major Dieter Düüng Besides, “Bleak” has not been which she swung. However, after save for the impressive special together, but you need not bother: ’07. without the controversy it seems her last backflip, and right in the effects that must have gone into the actress has apparently come Titled “Bleak: a Penetrating intended to provoke. Custodial midst of her transformation into the portrayal. I felt sorry for the down with some sort of illness and Vortex Beyond the Real,” it is staff have begun to complain that her famous “Grandmother Ethel” man in the front row who was is at DHMC “in critical condition.” comprised of around 1,700 pounds the exhibit is negatively impacting character, things just stopped grabbed. Not only did Hunt wreck Considering what this reviewer of #4 Grit yellow sand that Düüng the cleanliness of the rest of the working for the act. his eardrums with her operatic saw of her performance, it might purchased from the Home Depot Hopkins Center, particularly given Hunt, who had paused for gurgles, she also managed to be more correct to say she’s in in West Lebanon and dumped on Düüng’s insistence on leaving the critical need of new ideas! the Barrows floor. door to the Rotunda open during “It’s at once an homage to the afternoons, and a placard on “Great place,” says past conceptions of the Void and the Rotunda glass encouraging a searing critique of all that has visitors to take handfuls of sand local person. come before,” said Düüng, the and “throw them where they can smoke from a hand-rolled cigarette do the most damage.” Taumatawhakatangihangako- curling around his pallid face. “It “The open door and placard auauotamateaturipukakapiki- seizes the ego/alter duality by are the piece’s centerpiece,” maungahoronukupokaiwhenu- the seams and pulls, ripping open said Düüng. “They skewer the akitanatahu from page 2-B the petulant fabric of construct- ridiculous Western notion of Taumatawhakatangihanga- “reality” and exposing it for what time as an arrow. But try telling koauauotamateaturipukakapiki- it is: a meaningless charade, trash that to the mindless janitor slave maungahoronukupokaiwhenuaki- and piss crammed in a service automaton oppressors at this tanatahu is a great place to raise elevator and set on fire. Self- College. They don’t understand a family,” said family man Stephen satisfaction and ignorance have no that the grit plugging the Hop’s Nehpets, of his hometown of Tau- place to hide.” plumbing system is the grit of matawhakatangihangakoauauota- Students, however, seem unable truth.” mateaturipukakapikimaungaho- or unwilling to see the devastating Düüng’s own professors have ronukupokaiwhenuakitanatahu, truths Düüng claims his work also questioned the artistic value which lies in the center of Tau- expresses. Their reactions to of his piece. “While I appreciate matawhakatangihangakoauauota- the exhibition have been almost Dieter’s daring, his pretentious, mateaturipukakapikimaungaho- uniformly neutral. “Hey—sand,” unintelligible artwork makes a ronukupokaiwhenuakitanatahu said Chrissy Kopchik ’09, passing mockery of serious attempts to province. by the exhibit on her way to lunch engage the intellect and emotions “In fact, I had a friend who at the Courtyard Café. “Someone of the audience,” said Scott Van visited me in Taumatawhaka- should clean that up before it gets der Vibe, a professor of sculpture tangihangakoauauotamateaturipu- everywhere.” at the College. “#4 Grit yellow kakapikimaungahoronukupokai- Dan DeBeers ’09 agreed with sand? Don’t make me laugh. What whenuakitanatahu, and enjoyed Kopchik’s assessment. “I can’t wait is this, the 1960s?” our fine Taumatawhakatangihanga- until the construction is done,” he Van der Vibe pointed to his koauauotamateaturipukakapikimaunga- said. own work in sand, “Coastline, horonukupokaiwhenuakitanatahu Düüng says he is not Pensacola, Gulf of Mexico,” which cuisine, Taumatawhakatangihan- disappointed by students’ inability he says is made up of “sixty miles gakoauauotamateaturipukakapi- to access his work, claiming of pristine and untouched white- kimaungahoronukupokaiwhen- that “All the great ones were sand beaches” as well as a “vibrant misunderstood.” He said he had nightlife.” See Taumatawhakatangihanga- even considered filming students’ “You want to work in sand?” koauauotamateaturipukakapiki- reactions to his work via hidden said Van der Vibe. “That’s how you maungahoronukupokaiwhenu- camera for a video project, “Before work in sand. Fucking amateur.” akitanatahu on page 11-B Men’s Sports Women’s Sports Breadwinning Babymaking Footballing Cooking Dungeons & Dragons Ponies Page 12 SPORTS Scientists invent ultimate Frisbee Women’s Hockey Defeats By DON TAISENFERNO The Dartmovth Staff God, Falls to McGill By ANNA B. NANAA to a prideful God, but fans were Thayer School engineering The Dartmovth Staff still justifiably proud of the Big professor Bill Dandesine has a Green girls. lot to celebrate these days. Just The Big Green Women put on Saturday’s game against the last summer he was nominated a strong show Friday evening at Dainty Ducks, however, got off to for the prestigious “Tankgut” as they triumphed a rocky start, as McGill starting award by his departmental peers 3-2 over Yahweh, the LORD GOD back Butch Layman ’04 scored for his many noteworthy displays Almighty, to clinch their entry on Dartmouth goalie Tracy of constitutional fortitude in into the NCAA quarterfinals. Tang ’08 ten seconds before the regards to the consumption of Unfortunately, the team’s playoff game officially started. Things raw ethanol. Now, Dandesine has run ended early with a shutout got hairier when Big Green QB earned a place in the halls of low- loss, 0-7, to McGill on Saturday. Mary-Beth Kraniewizick ‘10, a key sports history with his work a “Beating God gave us all a Montreal native, suffered a crisis project that academics and sports sense that we were invincible,” of loyalty when asked to score on critics are describing as a “Frisbee said forward thruster Kelly her sister, McGill goalie Mary- par ultimate” and “the greatest Bradshau ’09. “I guess this proves Sue Kraniewizick ’07, and began advance in the Frisbee sciences that sometimes, no matter how attacking any teammates who since the penultimate Frisbee.” Above: the “Frisbee Mk. II” does something totally impossible. good the team, you can just have a approached McGill’s net. The device, which the professor really awful day.” “They just weren’t with it that and his team are calling the duct tape. what they’re saying, but I just The game against God, which day,” admitted head coach Mark “Frisbee Mk. II,” is a flying disk that “Athletic ability may have don’t feel like punching in a series was filled to capacity by crowds of Hudak. “Still they’ve got every transcends time and space to warp helped Neanderthal man, but today of complicated algorithms into a the Dartmouth faithful, was a text- reason to relish what they’ve from one user’s hand to another. it’s not the power to swing a heavy keyboard so my dog Max and I book example of the Big Green’s accomplished this year. It’s “Essentially, the Frisbee never club that determines success at can play fetch,” said Binganhoff. aggressive style of play. Middle nothing short of amazing! I mean, moves,” said Phinneas Jiblets ’07, club sports. Today, true power “Also, I don’t think I know enough lineblocker Melanie Farber ’10, when was the last time anyone adjusting his comically high pants. lies with those who can tap into about string theory to even try already considered a draft dodger beat God?” Jiblets, the sole undergraduate on the merciless beauty of science,” getting this thing to Max without for the National Hockey League Women’s Hockey (12–1–0) the scientific team that labored continued Jiblets, wheezing and vaporizing him or accidentally should she ever decide to don a will end its season as Quarter for two years developing the reaching for his inhaler. sending him into the past or fake beard and masquerade as a Champions with another medium- prototype disc, explained that the Despite rave reviews from something.” man, scored the first goal only 1:35 sized silver trophy to be placed next device requires no throwing skill academics, some in the sports The price tag of the Frisbee into the first period. to a gigantic, gold-plated statue of a whatsoever, as it uses wormhole field have questioned whether the Mk. II, around $2 billion, may God, who playeth by HIS male hockey player holding a huge technology to tear a hole through device will actually find wide use also be enough to deter potential own rules, faced the girls single- trophy that the men earn for just the space-time continuum, among Frisbee enthusiasts. Even customers. handedly and did not bring a playing hockey. “Whatever,” said appearing directly in the hands of Dandesine admits that significant However, Dandesine remains netkeeper, allowing the team sophomore doubleback Trish Bait, whomever it calculates is meant to steps remain before the device is upbeat about his invention. “This numerous attempts on goal. This “It’s not like we’re compensating catch it. ready for the open market. was never about money for me. has led some to attribute the loss for anything ourselves.” “We take out the guesswork During a test drive of the Turning a profit was never even an and petty physicality that’s been device, Zach Binganhoff ’10 issue,” he said. hampering Frisbee throwers for expressed skepticism that Frisbee After a pause, he added, “I’m years,” said Jiblets, reinforcing the players would take warmly to the sure the military will buy them. bridge of his thick glasses with 260-pound disc. “I understand They love this kind of shit.”

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