The Jacko’s Oldest College Newsparody. Founded 1908. Vol. MAX. VOLUME EXCEEDED 15 Days Until He Arrives TODAY’S WEATHER Abolish the Administration Look out your window. By CHET term we cannot hope to attract the The Dartmovth Staff best students while the administration still exists. By eliminating the This Wednesday, Dartmouth’s administration, we can curb that Greek organizations convened to negative attention”. agree on a single plan of action: The open letter continues on to the eradication of the college’s mention that while “many faculty SPORTS administration. “We find it members lead productive lives outside PLEASE, I’M unfortunate to do away with one of the administrative system”, the TRAPPED IN THIS of Dartmouth’s most hallowed presence of an administration “is NEWSPAPER traditions,” explains the convention’s ultimately a major destination for ROOM open letter to the community, “but many faculty members”. measures must be taken for this “The major problem with this,” institution’s future”. Kai explains, “is the rejection. PAGE 8 We reached out to Alfred Kai, When administration members ‘15 and convention leader. “National are denying faculty a position in scrutiny of Dartmouth is intense, and their ranks, they create a toxic Parkhurst Hall, where the Administration’s weekly meetings, discrimina- OPINION criticism is growing,” he explained. hierarchy. The administration only tion, and debauchery take place. I’M SERIOUS, “Whenever Dartmouth makes a serves to propagate unequal power mistake, the media blames the dynamics, institutionalizing arbitrary SOMEONE HELP administration for their ineffective exclusivity.” New Keystone Pipeline ME solutions. As the recent decline in The convention is clear to note applications indicates, in the long PAGE 4 See OPPRESSION, page 7 Construction Delayed By KEITH STONEHAM the Green and over the demolished Residents Of Triple Still The Dartmovth Staff Reed Hall, as planned. Few students ARTS have issues with proposed changes. Trying To Decide Which Construction on the Keystone “I’m not worried about the pipeline IT’S VERY COLD Pipeline was halted on Friday after going through Novack, First Floor AND DARK HERE the project ran into difficulties. Berry and Baker,” said John Chu Roommate to Ostracize The pipeline, planned to run from ’16, “it’s a great project that will PAGE 7 By T. RIPPLE When asked to predict which Colorado to Webster Avenue and to revitalize the local economy.” of the three girls might become the Wheelock Street, was stopped after This is not the first time The Dartmovth Staff odd one out, Murphy told reporters construction crews were puzzled construction has been slowed. In READ US ON As of this Monday, freshman that it’s still up in the air. “If on how to get the pipeline from January, student environmentalists triple residents Ali Stearns ’18, we’re going by taste in sports and Webster to Wheelock. Engineers protested the pipeline for its DARTBEAT Taylor Murphy ’18, and Megan music, it’s definitely Ali. Once she had not anticipated a library being disruption of local wildlife. The I MISS MY FAMILY Rogers ’18 are still debating which asked to fast forward through my in the way. While many options are migration patterns of nocturnal of the three roommates should favorite song,” Murphy explained, still under consideration, engineers fratters were disrupted after the be awkwardly and conspicuously referencing the closest thing to a are hoping to build the pipeline enormous pipeline was built directly OH! I FOUND A ostracized for the rest of the year. disagreement that the roommates directly through the library and in the middle of Webster Avenue. NICKEL! Knowing that their healthy three- have had so far. Murphy went on then continue the construction over See KEYSTONE, page 3 person dynamic can’t last forever, to clarify that excluding Rogers is the roommates are looking for any also a viable option, as Rogers is the slight difference in personality or only roommate not originally from FOLLOW US ON opinions that could cause one of the East Coast. @TWITTER them to be ridiculed and excluded. To hasten the process of “Everyone told us when we upsetting their precarious three- chose a triple that two of us would person friendship, the roommates end up getting much closer than the have recently introduced topics third roommate, creating a dynamic such as politics and religion into where one person feels consistently their nightly bedtime conversations, left out and disliked,” explained hoping to identify some fundamental Stearns, a resident of Russell Sage disagreement that will cause two of 216, “So far, we’ve stayed pretty them to have a massive fight and close as a trio, but I know there will stop speaking to one another. Once inevitably be some falling out that this happens, says Rogers, “it’s only leads one of us feel unwelcome in a matter of time before the third her own room.” Construction on the Keystone Pipeline has gone a little wonky. See ODD ONE OUT, page 9 Blahnover, New Blahshire www.dartmouthjacko.com Sloppywrite © 2013 hte darrmuvht, incoprated Page 2 The Dartmovth NEWS Slerngday 40, 2014 DailyDebriefsing Students Still Don’t Know Dartmouth Staff Vote 116-0 to Abolish Greek Yogurt What Tucker Foundation Does Classifying the food as one of many negative products of Dartmouth’s Greek System, By PHIL ANTHRUPI volved. “I really want to take advan- certification course. The root of the the faculty voted unanimously this week to remove Greek yogurt from all college dining The Dartmovth Staff facilities. “Greek yogurt is much too prevalent at Dartmouth, and its consequences tage of Tucker’s so many opportuni- mediators’ frustration was that all of have been harmful in the past,” stated one professor as he downed his third container of On Tuesday, students admitted ties,” said Dean Gelles ’15. “Granted, the applications were just TV pilot Yoplait, “From now on, only regular yogurt will be allowed.” Recognizing that the shift to a Greek yogurt-free campus may be difficult, the staff members have decided to ease they do not know what the Tucker I don’t know what I’d be getting into. transcripts. the transition by first introducing a 6-week Greek yogurt ban for freshmen. Foundation does. This realization What is Tucker again? Is that the one Tucker has been desperately came after many students learned that with the computers?” searching for alternative solutions to Stanford Electrical Engineering Program Provides Outlet for Troubled Students such a foundation exists. Zachary Schmitt ’15, an active this PR nightmare. They have tried In response to this sudden realiza- student in the Tucker Foundation, also flyers, bake sales and even seance, The Stanford Electrical Engineering Department is off to a great start this year, providing an outlet for more anxious students than ever before. “I’m so glad I have my tion, the Tucker Foundation has been suffers from misinformation. “Tucker but to no avail. Kathleen Rogers, the Electrical Engineering classes to keep me going this year,” said over-worked Stanford sending out more campus-wide blitz- is more than just the white building Tucker coordinator, lamented this undergrad Liz Wilson ’15, “They provide the perfect outlet for plugging in my computer es to inform the campus of its purpose next to Foco, I think. Tucker also en- campus-wide debacle in a recent in- charger and TV cables.” Arguing with a classmate to decide which of them would get to plug a phone charger into the last space on the wall socket, Wilson remarked that the and when it hosts events. However, gages in community service and in- terview. “It’s really unfortunate that department may need to install more outlets as its numbers grow. the barrage of emails has only served vites speakers to speak about stuff. Or no one knows the great work we do to confuse the campus further. Char- maybe we do programming. I’m not here at Tucker,” Rogers said. “I think American Children Beg Parents to Allow Them to Accept Candy From Strangers lotte Harris ’16 has determined that really sure” said Schmitt. we could be doing even more great More Than One Day Per Year Chicken Stock the Tucker Foundation is a building. While many are looking to get work if more students knew what we This November 1st, thousands of children pleaded to be allowed to take candy from She still is not sure what exactly hap- involved in Tucker’s outlets, some were doing. I sure wish I knew what strangers on more days than just Halloween. “Please can’t I get candy from Mr. Jones pens in the building, but knows that it efforts have been misguided. Media- I was doing.” Rogers then proceeded again today, Mommy?” said a Boston area 7-year-old, “Kevin’s parents always let him take candy from Mr. Jones, and—by the way, where is Kevin?” Sources confirm that is both intact and three dimensional. tors of Mediations at Dartmouth were to sort papers aimlessly while chant- America’s luckiest children have received permission to enter strangers’ homes again Despite this lack of awareness, recently upset when they received ing “Work work work work work.” today, although 57% of them are still unaccounted for. students are interested in getting in- dozens of applications for their new - Compiled by the Quotidian Reports of Recent Events in Underwear Association College Summercrats Provides Students Opportunity To Be Liberal For A Term Chicken Stock Vegetable Stock Beef Stock By CONNIE SERVATIVE meetings,” said Tom Westfall ’16, ing campaign, rising student interest, The Dartmovth Staff president of the Dartmouth Review and phenomenal catering provided by magazine. Ramuntos. Over 100 students from all around Other members of the group had “Wow, this is impressive,” said campus gathered in the Rocky base- similar feelings.