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Home , Al Sharpton, Dennis Miller, Howard Dean, John Kerry, Michael Dukakis

A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE

Humor, Blunders, and Other Oddities from the Presidential Campaign Trail THE ELECTION OF 2004 GEORGE W. BUSH, Republican 62.0 million (286 electoral) Richard B. Cheney

JOHN F. KERRY, Democrat 59.0 million (251 electoral) The main issue of the 2004 election was the U.S.-led invasion of Iraq and President Bush’s response to the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon on September 11, 2001. The president’s approval ratings soared after 9/11as approved of the U.S. attack on alleged al-Qaeda bases in Afghanistan.

Americans also supported Bush’s decision to invade Iraq in March 2003, which was marked by a lightning-fast ground invasion from the south, the taking of Baghdad, and overthrowing dictator Saddam Hussein. Bush’s opponent was Vietnam veteran , senator from , who hammered away at Bush’s lack of military service and low interest in domestic issues such as health-care reform and tax relief for the middle and lower classes. Kerry said of George Bush’s running for a second term, “All over the country people are asking whether or not George Bush is smart enough to be president of the . And the scary thing is, one of the people asking me was .” Bush attacked Kerry as a “flip-flopper” who praised the Iraq invasion on the one hand yet seemed to say that it was unneeded. In the Senate, Kerry had voted in favor of funding the invasion and now was changing his mind. Kerry was portrayed as conflicted over Iraq, as opposed to Bush, who was resolute in his thinking, and a majority of the American public responded to the president’s message. The debates lively, with both sides claiming victory. Kerry zinged Bush with this one during a debate: “I’m glad the president finally found an economic development program. I’m just sad that it’s only in Baghdad.” One of the odd moments of the debates was afterward, when photos began circulating on the Web that showed a mysterious lump in the back of Bush’s suit jacket. Supporters claimed it was simply a pucker in the material while detractors said it was a radio receiver that allowed Bush to be coached—a reference to him being a “lightweight.” As with the 2000 election, 2004 saw the final count hinge on one state. This time Ohio was in the spotlight, with its electoral votes not fully certified until the day after the election, thus giving Bush the victory. Democrats alleged voter fraud and manipulation, but in the final vote Bush and Cheney won the election. One ardent Minnesota elector cast a single electoral vote for John Edwards for president. As with the previous election, the Internet provided the bulk of the humor as hundreds of Web sites were built to accommodate jokes, humorous videos, and hilarious Photoshopped pictures of the candidates. Presidential candidate decided not to run in 2004 but he did give a speech at the Democratic National Convention: “I had hoped to be back here this week under different circumstances, running for reelection. But you know the old saying: You win some, you lose some. And then there’s that little-known third category. I didn’t come here tonight to talk about the past. After all, I don’t want you to think I lie awake at night counting and recounting sheep. I prefer to focus on the future because I know from my own experience that America is a land of opportunity, where every little boy and girl has a chance to grow up and win the popular vote.”

Speaking about Bush losing the popular vote in the 2000 election, Lieberman said: “I know I can beat George Bush [in 2004]. Why? Because Al Gore and I already did.”

Late-night comedian Conan O’Brien said: “The presidential campaign is getting kind of ugly—did you hear about this? Yesterday, a twenty-seven-year-old woman came forward to deny rumors that she had an affair with Democratic front-runner John Kerry. The woman added, ‘I would never cheat on .’”

Comedian on handicapping the 2004 election: “I haven’t seen a starting nine like that since the ’62 Mets.”

Talk-show host said of candidate Kerry: “One is reminded that [John Kerry] is really just a better-looking Ted , a richer .” Making light of the fact that Kerry’s wife, Teresa, heir to the family fortune, asked him to sign a , talk-show host said: “If his wife doesn’t trust him, why should you?”

During the Congressional Black Caucus presidential debate, said: “I’m a man of action. And unlike Schwarzenegger, I never had a stunt man do my hard work.”

At a presidential debate forum, Sharpton noted: “We’ve been told we had three minutes. My good friend Senator Edwards spoke for five. So told me that, in the spirit of affirmative action, I get seven.” Democratic hopeful was asked if it would be a problem for him to understand black voters because there are so few in . He responded: “If the percentage of minorities that’s in your state has anything to do with how you connect with African American voters, then Trent Lott would be Martin Luther King.”

Al Sharpton was addressing the Tawana Brawley scandal when he said: “The next time anybody wants to know about Tawana Brawley, I’m going to ask them, ‘Do you ask Teddy Kennedy about Chappaquiddick? Do you ask about her husband?’” Hoping that Bush would lose his bid for a second term, Richard Gephardt rhymed: “Like father, like son;four years and he’s done.”

Speaking to the California Democratic Party, John Edwards knew what he wanted to say, but it came out: “Like many of us, I grew up in a small town in .”

Defending his decision to change his position from pro-life to pro-choice, said: “The position I’m taking now is an expansion, not reversal.”

Richard Gephardt had this to say to Howard Dean about his sometimes eccentric behavior: “You’ve been saying for many months that you’re the head of the Democratic wing of the Democratic Party. I think you’re just winging it.”

Kerry’s campaign manager Jim Jordan dissed primary candidate Howard Dean by saying: “Ultimately, voters are going to decide a small-town physician from a small and atypical state is probably not qualified to lead this nation in a dangerous world.”

Howard Dean defended himself against those who said he was too much of an oddball to run for president: “To listen to Senator Lieberman, Senator Kerry, Representative Gephardt, I’m anti-, I’m anti-trade, I’m anti-Medicare, and I’m anti–Social Security. I wonder how I ended up in the Democratic Party.”

Edwards repelled notions that he was too well turned out to run for vice president. He told one group about a newspaper columnist who likened him to a Ken doll: “A Ken doll is plastic, lacking in substance, and can be bought for about ten dollars. There’s at least one critical difference right there.”

When asked if he supported marriage Sharpton replied: “That’s like asking me, do I support black marriage or white marriage?”

When asked what he thought of Al Gore’s chances for running in and winning an election in 2004, Senator Christopher Dodd of Connecticut said: “I’m changing the subject real quickly here.”

Speaking about Bush’s jobs policy, John Edwards noted: “The president goes around the country speaking Spanish. The only Spanish he speaks when it comes to jobs is ‘Hasta la vista.’”

Sharpton said: “Bush said after September 11, we’ve got to go after [Osama] bin Laden. Yet he can’t find bin Laden....He can’t find the weapons. Now we’ve got to take pride that Saddam Hussein is still alive; we can’t find him. I promise you, if I’m elected, President Bush will not be in charge of the missing persons bureau.”

In a moment of self-deprecating humor, Edwards said on TheDaily Show, of his bid for the presidential nomination: “I don’t know if you’ve been following the polls. But I think it will actually be news to most people that I’m running for president of the United States.”

Gephardt was asked his qualifications for debating George Bush. He responded: “I can put two sentences together, and I know I can pronounce the word ‘nuclear.’” LOCAL COLOR

“During a political campaign, everyone is concerned with what a candidate will do on this or that question if he is elected, except the candidate; he’s too busy wondering what he’ll do if he isn’t elected.” —Everett Dirksen, senator from Illinois, 1950–1969

Excerpted from A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE WHITE HOUSE by CHARLES OSGOOD. Copyright (c) 2008CHARLES OSGOOD. All rights reserved. Published by Hyperion. Available wherever books are sold.