THE BROADIE Issue 34 | January 2015 | thebroadie.org.uk

BY PUPILS • FOR PUPILS Yes, it’s still January. The Broadie | January 2015 | [email protected] “They should apologise, just do it bigger.” - Steve Coogan’s Gemini horoscope, page 15 Contents: NEWS IN BRIEF T h e g o v e r n m e n t h a s The black box from AirAsia 3 Page 3 outlined plans for new fl i g h t Q Z 8 5 01 , w h i ch 4-5 News: Charlie Hebdo & More S c o t t i s h P a r l i a m e n t crashed in December en 6 The Great Debate powers promised after route from Indonesia to S c o t l a n d vo t e d No t o Singapore with 162 people 7 Rupert, Thongs & Fox BS-ing independence, but critics o n b o a r d , h a s b e e n 8 Rhapsody In Cheek say they have been watered recovered. down. ————————————————— 9 Celebrities & Culture ————————————————— Microsoft has unveiled its 10 New Year The European Central Bank latest operating system, has announced a new Windows 10, which will be 11 Sport stimulus package which a free upgrade for Windows 11-13 Reviews involves injecting over 7 and 8 users. 14 Puzzles €1tn of quantitative easing ————————————————— into the Eurozone. Protests have erupted in 14-15 Miscellaneous ————————————————— New Jersey after video 16 Matron Blue UK inflation has fallen to footage was released of two 0.5%, the lowest figure on police officers shooting record, helped by fuel dead a black man who had The January Editorial prices rapidly decreasing. his hands in the air.▉ On the morning of the 7th worldwide. In The Broadie January this year, two this month, our writers SPORTS NEWS IN BRIEF gunmen walked into the consider the importance of Manchester City have T h e A f r i c a n C u p o f offices of a satirical journalism, its duties and signed Ivorian striker Nations has begun, with responsibilities. Rowan ne wspaper in Paris, W i l f r e d B o n y f r o m the hosts Equatorial Guinea identified journalists by Dinwoodie and Freddie Swansea for £28 million. seeking to pull off a huge name, and opened fire. Underwood take different u p s e t a n d f av o u r i t e s Charlie Hebdo was, and is, sides over the merits of ————————————————— famous for its deeply biting provoking and offending in Rugby teams in the Aviva Algeria hoping to back up a and irreverent satire. The print, examining Charlie Premiership have called strong World Cup with a Paris murderers supposedly Hebdo directly. Closer to for the abolition of the successful campaign. perpetrated the attack in home, Mary and Xavier salary cap to help them to ————————————————— response to depictions of criticise the Murdoch press c o mp e t e w i t h F r e n c h AB de Villiers has scored for indulging in every the Prophet Muhammad in teams. t h e f a s t e s t e v e r O D I Charlie Hebdo; this being possible form of ————————————————— centur y, with his ton something that the discrimination going. At the S e r e n a Wi l l i a m s a n d c o m i n g o f f 31 b a l l s , newspaper has done several same time, André and including 10 sixes. times before (alongside Xavier debate whether the Novak Djokovic triumphed several other religions, form of print journalism in the Australian Open’s ————————————————— political parties and itself still holds any singles competitions. Andy In a weekend of FA Cup ideologies). relevance. Murray faced Djokovic in upsets, Manchester City, Unsurprisingly, it did In The Broadie. Irony the final and limped to a Chelsea, Southampton and not fail to capture the certainly isn’t dead. 7-6(5) 6-7(4) 6-3 6-0 loss. Tottenham crashed out. ▉ attention of millions ▉ Mr Wearden THE BROADIE is the Christ’s Hospital student newspaper. It is run by Mr Wearden and all the articles are written by pupils and geared towards pupils. The Broadie survives with the invaluable support of Mr Lawson and Mr Messenger. This issue contains 10,292 words and is edited by Mr Wearden and compiled by managing editor Xavier Voigt-Hill. Yo ur dedicated Broadie team is: Alistair Cruickshank • Luna Cullis • Rowan Dinwoodie • Miles Edwards • Barnaby Freeman Eleanor Goddard • Louis Hall • Andre Harrison-Fisher • Ben Johnson • Philipp Mapara Charlie Mason-Graves • Mary McCann • Will Stephenson • Marc Thomas Freddie Underwood • Xavier Voigt-Hill • Ellie Wroe Wright If you’d like to contribute, please get in touch! Send in an email to [email protected]. THE BROADIE is on Facebook at www.fb.me/thebroadie and on Twitter @the_broadie. Like and follow us! Page 3 of sexism and blatant to thrust an antiquated rag had finally covered up Page 3 objectification of women. and sexist valuation of the after 44 years, editor Boobs. Could you Oh wait, I like my female of the species onto Da vid Dinsmore and ima gine a newspaper newspapers to possess a its readers that implies company mocked them without them? I, for one, vague comprehension of they’re only newsworthy with a ‘clarifications and wouldn’t dare touch any not only the culture that when they’ve got their corrections’ section - of outlet of journalism, they are attempting to breasts out, regardless of course adorned with the whether credible or comment on but also to what their readership may winking Nicole, 22, from tabloid, without making not eschew important ‘say’ or how the ‘kind’ of B o u r n e m o u t h sure I can open the cover news stories in order to people who kick up a undoubtedly catching a and be greeted by a demean half the world’s stink about such chill in the nip - and charming young woman population. The fact that degradation - “comfy shoe apologised to the who’s forgotten her this country’s largest wearing... no bra journalists who’d flooded clothes. Thank Murdoch newspaper still deems it wearing... man haters” if them with publicity. This that 2.2 million readers of acceptable or e ven you ask page 3 ‘star’ feminist victory wasn’t as The Sun every day seem to remotely relevant in its turned Twitter user Rhian real as it seemed. agree, parting with their role a s a pusher of Sugden - is repugnant. And, as such, the well-earned pennies for a journalism, no matter You could make status quo is restored trashy rag with a side dish how horrendously crude, the argument that the after what The Sun termed young women of this ‘a mammary lapse’. No, nation would ha ve not a pair of old male CLARIFICATIONS AND absolutely nothing to rock stars getting naked aspire to without the to sell their ‘stripped’ CORRECTIONS reliable career path of get acoustic album, but the Further to recent reports in all other boobs out, have dodge newspaper that shovels photographer capture the enough copies to be this media outlets, we would like to clarify moment, get in paper. nation’s own (well, if you that this is Page 3 and this is a Like former Apprentice ignore the vociferous picture of David Dinsmore, 48, from candidate Luisa Zissman, hatred they garnered Glasgow, who aspires to edit a real who pursued a baking from the citizens of business partnership with Liverpool after the newspaper like The Broadie one day. Lord Sugar on the show Hillsborough disaster) before realising that there finding humour in their wa s more money in dail y misogynist getting your boobs out objectification column. and prancing around the It’s like a child giggling at Big Brother house, you the female anatomy every could argue that “the day for 44 years and, extreme feminists won” despite the objections of when the girls who the rational members of appeared wearing society and the blatant underwear, though still disregard for sheer human without the dignity. For decency, crying wolf and all of 3 days. getting back up to flog Not even half a the dead horse. week after the media, led Then a gain, by the Sun’s Murdoch- perhaps this is meant to helmed upmarket (in help those of us who other words, clothes- hadn’t already picked up wearing and dignified) the message realise that stablemate The Times, The Sun is, and always has jumped on a pa ge 3 been, an utter joke. At appearance by mildly- least I can be sure that covered model/Sun-esque The Broadie will never sink joke of an actress Rosie to such trashy, crass and Huntington-Whiteley to degrading echelons. claim that the red-topped ▉ Xavier Voigt-Hill 3 Charlie Hebdo The Broadie | January 2015 | [email protected]

In related terror The international detained a dozen journalists Charlie Hebdo incidents around Paris over community was quick to in the country, with the and the Illusion the next three days, a total condemn the attack, and to youngest just 15. The Saudi of 17 people were killed: promote the values of free Arabian ambassador to of Free Speech twelve in the Charlie Hebdo speech – an ideal for which On Wednesday 7 January, a France was there. Saudi attack, a policewoman the it appeared the magazine black Citroën C3 drove up Arabia recently sentenced a next day, and four shoppers staff had been murdered. A to the Charlie Hebdo blogger to 1000 lashes and at a Jewish supermarket the perhaps more accurate building in Rue Nicolas- ten years in prison for his day after that. concept also brought up Appert. Once inside, the work. The Egyptian Foreign There’s no doubt was the ‘right to offend’. masked gunmen - brothers Minister also attended. that these attacks were Prime Minister David Chérif and Saïd Kouachi - Egypt has been widely despicable; you’d be hard Cameron himself said: “I asked staff in reception criticised for jailing three pushed to find anybody think in a free society, there where the magazine's Al-Jazeera journalists last who openly supports them. is a right to cause offence offices were, before year. They remain in prison. The idea that someone about someone’s religion.” shooting dead caretaker And let us not could be shot dead simply But there’s a certain Frederic Boisseau. The staff forget that we live in a for drawing a cartoon is amount of hypocrisy in the of Charlie Hebdo magazine country where, despite the patently ridiculous. way various world leaders were having their weekly promotion of free speech in Charlie Hebdo went have responded to the meeting. The men opened the UK from politicians out of its way to offend atrocity. A march was held fire and killed the editor's after the Charlie Hebdo people. Its comics were by in Paris on the Sunday after police bodyguard, Franck attacks, internet service all accounts very crude, and the attacks, which was Brinsolaro, before asking providers censor our there’s little doubt that the attended by many for editor Stephane internet access by default, November 2011 issue, titled important leaders amongst Charbonnier, known as the government is pushing Charia Hebdo and over a million other people. Charb, and other four ahead with plans to allow supposedly guest edited by These included statesmen cartoonists by name and intelligence services to view the prophet Muhammad from a number of countries killing them, along with our call records, online and one of their most which have a questionable three other editorial staff browsing and more, and you controversial issues, was history when it comes to and a guest attending the can be convicted for engineered to insult. It’s free speech to say the least. meeting. They later shot making a joke on Twitter. worth noting that Muslims The Bahraini dead a Muslim policeman Je Suis Charlie. were not the only targets of Foreign Minister attended on a nearby street. their jokes. the event. Bahrain has ▉ Rowan Dinwoodie

Je Suis Charlie? been awash with people affected by them meant they protests spread As we all know, 12 people rich and poor adorned with demanded they were all around the city and were recently killed in a the slogan 'Je Suis removed. So this means those protests turned into terrorist attack on the Charlie' (I am Charlie). that they not onl y riots, and those riots headquarters of the French World leaders, many of condemn the killings but spread across the country. satirical magazine Charlie whom were guilty of support the cartoons? Did those people smashing Hebdo in Paris. The rampant hypocrisy due to People are so quick latch shop fronts in Liverpool ma gazine had been their treatment of the onto a craze of something give a thought to that mans notorious for printing freedom of speech, rushed they think is right without death, or just want an highly offensive covers, to Paris to take part in a actually considering it. As excuse for anarchy and including offensive solidarity March along soon as their favourite rioting? depictions of Jesus and the with millions. The attacks celebrity wears a slogan There have been Pope and Muslim prophet were condemned by they feel they must too. If many other examples Muhammad. To show a countless people across the the adopted slogan was a where the reasons for depiction of the prophet is globe. more generic message of protest are lost in the forbidden in Islam, and the While the attacks Parisian support, the point protest itself, and all that headquar ters of the should without question be would get across in a less happens it more and more ma gazine were condemned, do the people iffy fashion. people proclaim their firebombed. However, the promoting the 'Je Suis This is by far from support for a cause that magazine continued to Charlie' slogan actually the only time we have seen they do not understand. print these images, and think about what that this same phenomenon. While these killings should these events led up to the stands for? In its most Take the 2011 London be condemned, people tragic events in the French literally sense it means that riots, for example. The should also think about capital. they are ‘Charlie Hebdo’, originally basis for a what they are supporting Since this awful the same Charlie Hebdo that peaceful protest was the before they adopt a attack, city squares, printed those highly police killing of Mark popular cause or slogan. social media and award offensive cartoons and Duggan, but intense media ▉ Freddie Underwood 4 ceremonies alike have stood by them when those coverage of the events Charlie Hebdo & News Living Together incidents are not with their opinions. surprising. Over 18,000 people is ready to accept new Living Together? France has the e ver y Monday in ideas and also different In Paris three terrorists highest percentage of Dresden, Ea st beliefs. When all these killed, in their opinion, Muslims living in their Germany. Do we want a circumstances are given, “infidels” in the name of country in wester n countr y, in which religious coexistence is Allah. This is the story. Europe, but it is an different religions can not a problem anymore. But what happened in u n f o r t u n a t e still live together? Does The recent news Paris is not just consequence that it really matter if you from Paris made this unbelievable, it also lets Islamic terrorism is are a Christ, a Muslim, again more difficult us thinking about detrimental to the way a Je w or belong to than before. But if the religious coexistence. the over whelmingly another religion? Most Muslims in Europe Yes, indeed in a peaceful Muslim important is just that want to integrate, and I democracy, religious population is treated. people who come to a really think most of freedom should not be This is a great countr y accept and them want, then they a problem. But when a mistake, a fatal mistake respect the culture and also have to fight with society is not because these people traditions, tr y to us a gainst cer tain integrating everybody forget that the integrate as best as terrorist organisations, or even worse when a extremists do not possible, without who justify their society integrates represent all Muslims. forgetting to make this behaviour with Allah people who don’t want Ne ver theless, in society a better one. To but try to divide our to integrate into the Germany for example, a communicate with the society. habits and rules of a mo vement cal led population, to be ▉ Philipp Mapara countr y, the recent Pegida, an anti-Islamic creative. But it also movement has success requires a society who This shows how ha ve some kind of No, we are now far GM Crops easily people believe scare unknown health effects or better off than thousands How often have you seen stories about chemicals, cause harm the of years ago, our animals “chemical-free” or “no but there have in fact environment. These are bigger, so are our added preservatives” been a handful of harmful usually have no basis crops and we also have written on a packet of chemicals made. This whatsoe ver, and are more variety of them. food or drink? Well, however by no means simply appeals to the What many think of as marketing like this has reflects the truth about concerns of those who natural is in fact the work become the norm due to the vast majority of the probably don’t even know of thousands of years of the bad name that chemicals we use day to what GMO means. selective breeding. chemicals in general have day. GM on the other If the opponents Chemicals are to nowadays. Back in the hand is different, in the of GM only understood life, something we late 1990s, rumours began fact that’s its simply not what GM actual l y sometimes forget. They to circulate that a harmful to humans. Well involves, they would are in our bodies the vast chemical used liberally in huge studies such as the probably not oppose it. majority of them are many homes and factories Trillion meal study proven We ha ve actual l y essential to life as we were responsible for many its safety and suggested inadver tentl y been know them. Without perils and harm to very that they are in fact changing the genes of them we wouldn’t enjoy harmful to humans. The better for you than organisms for thousands great variety tasty foods, responsible chemical was normal food, as they were of years, ever heard of dog keep perishable food for cal led dihydrogen designed to be. breeds? Did you know longer than a few days monoxide. Originally an Chemo-p h o b i c that all carrots used to be and nearly everything we April Fool’s gag, for some (fear of chemicals) scare white? Selective breeding take for granted, like reason the joke persisted websites, however, still is more or less the same computers and medicine, and was taken seriously by keep insisting that GM as GM just slower, and would not exist. some. and chemicals are bad and has this harmed us at all? ▉ Marc Thomas 5 The Great Debate The Broadie | January 2015 | [email protected] THE GrEAT DEBATE IS PRINT JOURNALISM AS WE KNOW IT LOSING ITS RELEVANCE TO SOCIETY? XAVIER VOIGT-HILL SAYS YES ANDRÉ HARRISON-FISHER SAYS NO In the Broadie offices deep as a network of sports As an aspiring journalist in Big School’s roof, much blogs that recentl y this is a question that I is shocking and should debate has taken place received a $380 million frequently ask myself. I have never happened, it with regard to the merits valuation from Silicon may be biased due to the just portrays the complete of our news writing. With Valley venture capitalists. fact that my dream is to power of printed press our sporadic publication Vox, an explainer work in a print and how much people cycle, nobody comes to a journalism site launched newspaper, but I take notice because of copy of our labours to last year and led by the genuinely believe this is what journalists publish. find out what’s going on Wa s h i n g t o n P o s t ’s Ezra the truth and am certain So much so they feel they with the world because Klein, has rapidly become that print isn’t dead and have to grievously damage you’ve already read it all an indispensable resource nor shall it ever die. the magazine that was so online. In the modern for me when trying to There is no powerful and affected world, print doesn’t stand adequately comprehend question in my mind that them so much. a chance. the complexities of newsprint remains the We can also see Now is far from a international affairs. best place to read long- the power of printed good time to try and build ~Then there’s form journalism. It is press in what followed. As a career in journalism. everyone’s favourite always going to remain an act of defiance the Though it may be easier procrastination tool, the most reliable source remaining staff rebounded than ever to create and BuzzFeed. Barely out of of news mainly because it and published their publish content, the nappies and valued at will always be read and ‘survivors’ issue’. instability of print almost a billion dollars, filtered and it will always On the morning of publications with failing Jonah Peretti’s upstart be the truth discovered 14 January, thousands of online endeavours, falling conglomerate thrives by actual journalists. people in France queued advertising revenues and thanks to their plethora Whilst I am a in line for hours, waiting declining readership of multimedia content. great lover of the online for stores to newsstands forms a tumultuous career Whether one seeks 37 Cat newspaper, I can never to open. Within an hour, path. GIFs That Will Convert fully trust everything I 700,000 copies had been Papers are almost Dog Lovers, Americans read online even if it is sold and every newsstand uniformly cutting down Trying British McDonalds from a respectable source, in the country was sold on anything possible. The or fascinating longform, because it can and is out. In total 1.9 million Chicago Sun-Times severed BuzzFeed has something, edited by any Tom, Dick copies were sold in the al l 28 of their whether watchable, or Harry around. Usually first 48 hours and photography staff in 2013, written or community- many extremists utilise eventually the issue sold 7 prioritising words over generated, to suit. open online ne ws million copies, having multimedia content. A Finally, even if you websites to change the been translated into 5 year later, only 4 had do want standard news current story in their different languages so found employment in the coverage like it’s been for favour all from the safety that everyone could read ne wspaper business. generations, print isn’t behind their computer and share the issue. These 4 had been rehired the right way to go. screens, print journalism I belie ve this by the Sun-Times. Regular content is prevents this as it brings shows us the complete Those rare media published online before the straight facts from power of printed press, outlets who aren’t feeling and even the New York actual qualified not only in our country the pinch are those who Times is bagging Pulitzers journalists. but globally. Newspapers have either jumped to for longform multimedia The power of the ultimately unite us and create high-quality online storytelling. Journalism printed press is not dead are the fastest method of and mobile offerings or tells us that there is no a s we ha ve recentl y REAL news and for this began as digital-focused time like the present, discovered in the Charlie reason printed press is ‘new media’ businesses. which print is no longer Hebdo situation. Their still very much alive and is Take Vox Media, the capable of adequately controversial satire led to sticking around. ▉ company that started conveying. 6 ▉ 12 murders. Although this Fox News

Rupert, Thongs actual cities like thought he wanted to get claims. Such blatant & Fox BS-ing Birmingham that are rid of the EU? Coming ignorance, even though If you haven’t heard about totally Muslim, where from the man who once many Brits were aware of Fox News’ comments non-Muslims just simply came up with the fab idea the fact that is was following the tragic don’t go in[…]and in parts that “politics needs a bit patently ridiculous, may Charlie Hebdo situation of London there are of spicing up”, perhaps be treated as fact by the you’re really missing out. Muslim religious police this comment isn’t too less aware amongst Fox’s The comments made are that actually beat and surprising. viewership and could a clear demonstration of wound seriously anyone It feels like certainly stir American the American network’s who doesn't dress in Murdoch and Farage met societal tensions. ill-informed prejudice, led Muslim religious attire.” up one drunken evening In the Guardian- by our good old friend Personal l y, I’m in a dusty old brothel and penned words of Farage: Rupert Murdoch. The really interested in where came up with their own “It’s amazing how ver y same Ruper t these Muslim police Burn Book where, under ideas start out, isn't it? Murdoch that endorses patrol because they’re Muslims, they wrote People whom some deem the school of thought doing a really poor job at something along the lines fruitcakes and loonies that women’s rightful controlling SoHo. I’m of “he doesn’t even go begin to advocate an place in his society is in pretty sure that half of here” right next to the entirely odd idea, their their knickers on the the 14 year old girls I pass too-gay-to-function page howling in the wilderness third pa ge of the in the summer are on Scooby-Doo and the ignored by almost repulsively backward wearing underpants Tooth Fairy. everyone except those publication The Sun. disguised as shorts, unless Realistically, the gathering to mock. But Along with good booty shorts are Muslim ideas presented by Fox then the situation ol’ Rupert’s confusion religious attire and I’ve News are potentially toxic changes. If an idea is over the purpose of a completel y misheard to a society that is indeed sensible, it will newspaper to inform the everything ever. remo ved f rom the eventually become just ma sses rather than On top of this, diversity of Europe. If I part of the accepted survive as a source of Nigel Farage joined in had grown up in a wisdom.” public pornography (The with the party claiming predominantl y white America’s “odd Sun is a poor choice for that “It isn’t just France, it society, heard this news idea” could easily become naked ladies), he seems to is happening right across report, then travelled to “accepted wisdom”, be in a state of utter Europe. We have got no- Birmingham to see an especially in this climate dismay on the purpose of go zones across most of area that may have more of anxiety around Islam. televised news, too! the big French cities.” Muslims in it than I was It’s amazing how ideas On January 7th, Why does Nigel used to, it wouldn’t be start out, isn’t it? care about France and totally insane to see this Fox News’ Steve Emerson ▉ Mary McCann announced, “there are Europe anyhow? I as validation of the Fox

7 News The Broadie | January 2015 | [email protected] Assessing The Cultural Significance of Romania’s Leading Disco Pop Duet Or, ‘Rhapsody In Cheek’ How many songs by the made e ven more unless we conform and Cheeky Flamenco, where a Cheeky Girls can you disturbing when the make our yuletides cheeky traditional Spanish dance name? Up until this camera is unfortunate as can be, their cold eyes is made increasingly, and afternoon, I thought I enough to shoot their indicate that we could be painfully ‘more cheeky’, a kne w one, but I wa s upper halves, resulting in in for a mauling from a process which largely caught out (as one so a demonic, faux-redhead badly-rendered CGI consists of speeding up often is) by an unexpected Romanian hydra. Long, reindeer. The theme of very slightly and having ‘Touch My Bum’. Having dead stares are directed mildly alarming demands Romanians shout ‘yeah!’ spent the after noon straight at the viewer, is continued with the over it. brushing up on YouTube, with the unusual effect anthem Take Your Shoes Though their however, I can now count that you feel that, to some Off, which opens with a presence may not be as myself as one of the degree, the dismal duo are reaffirming statement of prolific as once it was, world’s foremost scholars the ones judging you. identity (‘Cheeky girls! there is no doubt that we on this particularly Thankfully, there Cheeky girls!’) and only owe the Cheeky Girls a chal lenging and is some solace be found in improves from there. The great debt. Open-heart provocative Transylvanian the music they provide. aforementioned shoe surgery, sugar refinement, pop group. Farmyard Hokey proves a remo val is quickl y a new Gatwick terminal Firstly, the sisters moving eulogy for the revealed as an easy way to and the total collapse of themselves. They have nursery audience, its ‘feel free’ (if only they’d the Euro are just a few of terrified me from a young haunting refrain only told Mandela), before the the boons we owe them, age, and frankly, they still alleviated by the odd grizzled pair return to and it can only be hoped do. Skeletal Sharon comforting parp of an their ‘teenage lives’ in that in years to come they Osbornes clad in a strange unidentifiable disco organ. terrifying American are remembered in the mix of cling-film and Have A Cheeky Christmas cheerleader outfits, same breath as Churchill, tinfoil (presumably to stop very nearly has a nice ring complete with pom-poms Alfred the Great, and them going off, although to it, but spoils it slightly that could take out a Colin Baker from TV’s I’m not sure it worked), with the utter sincerity musk ox at twenty feet. Doctor Who. their genetic affiliation is the twins invest in it – Also worth mentioning is ▉ Louis Hall

8 Celebrity & Culture article could be seamlessly from TOWIE losing weight. Goulding seems like were Miles Googles changed to, “Massively The best part is that she to dance it would look Celebrities wealthy woman gets more someone has commented like one of those girls So this article is going to be money than originally “STILL FAT” 14 times at dancing who would describe me typing “celeb news” on agreed from multimillion the bottom of the page. themselves as “bubbly”. Google and clicking on pound corporation”. Stellar, general public. The Oscars are whatever comes up. Let’s Riveting stuff. No Topshop So Adele and Lady happening yaaaaaaay. I am call it a commentary/voyage discount for you Ri-Ri. Gaga took a photo so so mixed about the Oscars, of discovery. In true Broadie Where did it all go apparentl y they’re part of me is like yes it’s an fashion, we thought up this wrong for Johnny Depp? collaborating. Ah, the logic ar t form we must article and then chose the Promising title. Certainly of celebrity world. Well I appreciate, and then the most inappropriate and not when he punched Justin took a photo with Peggy so other part is like who are cynical person to perform it. Bieber that’s for sure. Oh no yeah we’re actual l y these rich vacuous people I’m certain this will be a that was Orlando Bloom producing a single together. why do they of all people riotous round of hells-a- never mind. Oh, well GET READY WORLD. need recognition they could poppin fun. So without apparently Johnny Depp Also Adele, please, please buy Mauritius and sink it if further ado: can’t act. I hope he doesn’t don’t do that, no, no, please, they wanted to. But then I Te l e g ra p h first, and read the Telegraph! I find it God, no, please. remember that these people EastEnders has come up. exceedingly ironic that this MOVING ON. are just what we asked for Apparently someone has celebrity journalist has Next, the pinnacle, (although apparently I died. Surely enough people described Johnny Depp’s the epitome, the summit of missed the meeting). And have died, been abducted, performance as “tedious and all celebrity news: THE also Emma Stone exists, so inbred, sexually assaulted or indulgent”. Exceedingly DAILY MAIL *gongs and it’s all okay. had their house burnt down ironic. drums and trumpets* OKAY LOOK IN by this point for the “Carol Vorderman: Big Brother. Oh no, SUMMATION SOME government to corner off better blonde or brunette?” sorry Channel 5. This is PEOPLE WEAR DRESSES the EastEnders area as a UM BLONDE. NO, ‘Celebrity’ Big Brother we're AND OTHERS ARE radioactive fallout zone. BRUNETTE! I DON’T talking about. Can we all MEN. “One of the most gripping KNOW! TELL ME agree to make Big Brother Send in suggestions EastEnders story lines TELEGRAPH WRITERS into a coliseum style grudge for what to Google. Keep EVER”. Possibly bearable TELL ME! match until everyone is ‘em clean, please, but then. Okay, bye bye dead including Davina interesting. I’m not Rihanna has sued Telegraph. McCall? searching orang-utans for Topshop for using her image I’m on a site called Ellie Goulding, or as half an hour. on a t-shirt without consent. Celebrity News, so I I like to call her, Nosey ▉ Miles Edwards That poor soul. I find presume this will be McChinny Chin, he been You can send in your search reading this ver y specialist and insightful. “showing off her dance suggestions to us at Haha I love this site! mo ves”. This sounds uninteresting, Telegraph [email protected] writers. The title of this I’m reading about a person promising. In my mind Ellie • Be Poopy Pigeon – he’s watching to be one step become a hit with your Crossy Road: the athlete you need and closer to the glorious teacher, while also How To Become A deserve and he’ll leave a floppy fish. learning about inelastic Road-Crossing God blazing trail of white glory. • Recite your favourite collisions. Throughout my life there • Work on your tapping Mayan chant of luck • Practise on your own has been one question that technique – the double before using the prize amongst real traffic. has plagued my mind and thumb button bash is machine. HUMUNUH Unfortunately this can kept me up at nights: ‘Why revolutionary. H U M U N U H only really be done once. did the chicken cross the • Play it upside down – HUMUNUH. Then If you heed these words, road?’ Well, since Crossy you’re not going to the throw your iPhone out the Daniel-san, you will be Road’s release that question other side of the road, window when you get crossing even the most has evolved: ‘How can the you’re coming from it. It’s unlucky cat for the third treacherous of roads in no chicken cross the road?’ As a game-changer. time in a row. time. If not, then you will it turns out… not very well, • A quick pep-talk before • Lily-pads are places of have to be the one that especially if you’re called the expedition will keep solace and comfort in such scrapes poor Doge’s lifeless Jacob Taylor-Edwards. But if you and your ma scot difficult times. body from the bonnet of a you want to be the crossiest motivated for the tough • A hipster whale is never red pick-up truck that used of all the road-crossing road ahead. late, nor is he early, he to be white. Very sad, much animals, then listen up, I’ve • EEEEEAAAAAGGGGG arrives precisely when he crossy. got some tips for you. Trust LLLLLEEEEE!!! means to. ▉ Alistair Cruickshank me, I’ve finished it, mate. • Kim Kardashian: Holywood • A quick game during adver ts are wor th Physics is a sure way to 9 New Year The Broadie | January 2015 | [email protected]

WHAT’S CHANGED IN 2015? Top 10 YEARS 1. The last number in the date… Obviously. 1. 2010 – My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic airs, 2. The amount of crossing out in our work. Just and Bronies become a thing. H8rs gain enough as you’d got used to 2014 2015. ammunition to bad mouth the community for the rest of time. Welcome to the future. 3. “New year, new me” generic saying/resolution that lasts about five minutes where you try to 2. 1975 – Heavily antici-... by its hardcore fans, be a better, nicer person but end up returning The Rocky Horror Picture Show was released to your usual bitter self when someone annoys into theatres. ...-pated. you. 3. Year 0 – The big one, the most important year 4. At school, 2015 brings in delightful new in the Christian calendar, and for good reason! scaffolding. Alas, there is more metal The world was created in that year! disturbing the natural landscape of the school 4. 2004 – Shaun of the Dead was released which is which makes it notoriously hard to navigate the best movie ever. If you think otherwise around the school. you are wrong and the Spanish Inquisition will 5. As of January 12 2015, Cadbury’s Creme Eggs be on your tail shortly. are no longer made of delicious, indulgent, 5. 2003 – School of Rock was released, which is smooth Cadbury Dairy Milk chocolate. confirmed to be the best 109 minutes that Instead, under the instruction of villainous Jack Black has ever spent onscreen. Also I new owners Kraft no doubt, instead shall be looked up what the bassist looks like made of hideous “standard cocoa mix nowadays and she’s damn cute, so that’s cool. chocolate”. This is the end of days. When Gene Simmons came to CH and did 6. Train ticket prices are set to increase, the same thing wasn’t too shabby either. regardless of the current cheaper fuel prices. 6. 2015 – Tumblr: The Movie and #GamerGate 3D Thanks to Southern, who managed to run a were released into theatres nowhere near you. peak-time Brighton-London Victoria service Niche video game critics and rampant GIF- late every day last year, guess who’s not going fuelled online hate mobs apparently triggered. home for leave weekend 7. 1996 – I was born into this world. Apparently 7. WE ARE ANOTHER YEAR CLOSER TO Pokémon and Yu-Gi-Oh also happened but DEATH. who honestly cares about that. WHAT HAvE WE LEFT BEHIND IN 2014? 8. 2008 – Role Models, the greatest movie taking 1. Hashtag YOLOSWAG. Thank bloomin' God. the loving piss out of LARP was released, facing widespread acclaim for its faithful 2. The Kim Kardashian game. It went from the interpretation of taking sleeping pills on a most played game ever to the least in about a camping trip. Also, I joined school, so a good month. This is a good thing, I think. FYI, year all around. “Dirk” doesn’t wanna be your virtual boyfriend anymore. #CryFace 9. 1997 – South Park happened. 3. How I Met Your Mother. It’s gone, dead. Never 10. 2013 – Super Smash Bros. 4 was announced. to return. Despite that dreadful ending. Screw you guys this is a big thing to me! ▉ Andre Harrison-Fisher ▉ Will Stephenson 10 BROADIE SPORT & REVIEWS defence failed to stop end of the third, Seattle lead the attack, and soon had the Super Bowl Seattle from scoring, and 24-14, meaning the Pats had ball on the Patriots 1 yard XLIX REPORT Wilson capitalised by to overcome a huge deficit line with 40 seconds left. throwing a touchdown pass in the final quarter. One Incredibly, they chose to Glendale, Arizona. The to receiver Chris Matthews should never count out throw the ball instead of stage was set for one of the with onl y 2 seconds Touchdown Tom, with handing it off to their trusty greatest match ups in the remaining in the first half. Brady no stranger to running back Lynch, who history of the Super Bowl. Incredibly, Matthews hadn't comebacks, as shown by his looked certain to score New England Patriots caught a single pass all 8 playoff game-winning should his number be called. quarterback Tom Brady season, and had been drives. Of course he The ensuing throw looked came into the game working in Foot Locker at delivered, throwing a to be a touchdown, before knowing that it could be his the time of his call up. touchdown to Danny the Patriots’ undrafted last chance at an elusive With the scores tied Amendola bring Ne w rookie cornerback Malcolm fourth ring, whilst his at 14 as the second half England to within 3. The Butler recognised the play opposite number Russell began, Seattle received the Patriots defence now and jumped in front of the Wilson was looking to add a kickoff and took the ball 72 needed to step up, and they Seahawks receiver, second consecutive title to yards to set up a Steven did, forcing Seattle to punt. intercepting the ball and his resumé for the Seattle Hauschka field goal, and Brady took the ball and sealing a famous win for the Seahawks. thus take the lead by 3 drove his team 64 Patriots. Two stingy defences points. Brady made a yards, and former The MVP award ensured that there was no huge mistake and QB Julian was given to Tom Brady, score in the first quarter, as thre w an Edelman make a who completed 33 of his 50 Tom Brady lead his side the interception, giving great move on passes for 328 yards and 4 length of the field only to be the ball away to the Seattle touchdowns. Marshawn intercepted in the end zone. Seattle, who took secondary to haul Lynch was the pick of the Things began to open in the advantage of the in the 3 yard pass to runners, gaining 102 yards second, and Brady found short field to score via score. and a touchdown of 24 Brandon LaFell for the first a Wilson pa ss to With time for one carries. Julian Edelman was touchdown of the game, but receiver Doug last possession, the the best receiver, gaining Seattle soon powered back Baldwin. Seahawks 109 yards and a touchdown to score with a 3 yard run At the w e n t of his 9 receptions. This from Marshawn Lynch. Tom o n gives Brady and Bill Brady countered by Belichick a fourth Lombardi exploiting a mismatch on trophy between them, and the outside to give Rob further cements their Gronkowski a touchdown reputation as the best QB/ late in the first half. coach combination in the With little time history of the game. remaining before the Freddie Underwood intermission, the Patriots ▉ Bale’s as you can tell he is Hebrews in the art of war Rameses survives this Exodus: just trying to do what is and talk to god through a obviously lethal fate leaves Gods & Kings right for his people, small boy called Malak. I you feeling this movie is just A movie that promised Edger ton uses this liked this touch, too scared to take a risk. another great Ridley Scott interesting character and the powerful omnipresent Not a disaster but historical epic but only gave creates a good performance aura of god represented by a not a miracle either, this a mediocre biblical blowout. as a monarch pushed over young innocent boy makes biblical epic is a little less Although using special the edge from pressure. for a great contrast. When epic and a little more effects to his full extent, The all too familiar the film enters its final act homely. Even though the ten Scott’s new picture will plot of Moses’ lead of his and Moses eventually leads plagues disgust and chill in never reach the heights of people out of Egypt is his people from Egypt this amazing quality this is not Alien or Gladiator. actually only a small amount is truly when the film hits enough to faithfully retell Christian Bale’s portrayal of the film, most of the 150 its stride. I guess the film one of Christianity’s of Moses is shaky and minutes screen time is taken deserves to be called an epic greatest stories. I rate this unconvincing. Turturro, up by Moses doing things due to the parting of the film ★★½ as its poor acting Weaver and Kingsley only that are irrelevant to the Red Sea. As the Hebrews and flawed plot affect what had minor uninteresting eventual Exodus. This sees cross the rocky bed and are could have been a great parts but Edgerton shined him constantly travel to pursued by the Egyptians, movie. through as the troubled Pithom (basically the first true suspense is made and ▉ Cameron prince (and then pharaoh) ever Jewish labour camp) the all-consuming wave is Blackshaw-Thomas Rameses. His character is and somehow find the space truly the image of disaster. almost more likeable then and time to train many When you find out that 11 BROADIE REVIEWS The Broadie | January 2015 | [email protected] breakup with ar tist defiance and hope; the we are whole / And when Björk - Vulnicura Matthew Barney. Björk beginning of “the healing we're whole we're broken’ Before I start actually herself described the process”. From here the — as if she cannot or will reviewing this I would album as being about album, in no way getting not define the way she like to make an apology, “what may come to a worse, just gets was now it is gone. more specifically an person at the end of a rea sonabl y grim and The difficulty with apology to Björk herself. relation. It talks about the difficult to take in. Family reviewing this album is Her pre vious album, dialogues we may have in & Notget being awkward deciding what Björk 2011’s Biophilia, is one of our heads and in our and hauntingl y dark should be doing with my favourite albums ever, hear ts, the healing tracks — ‘Is there a place music. Should it be the so when I found that the processes.” This perfectly where I can pay respects innovative and natural similarly exotically titled encapsulates what Björk for the death of my Biophilia, or the open Vu l n i c u ra had leaked, 4 does with Vulnicura. family?’, she questions on style of Ve s p e r t i n e . days after its The first song, Family. Atom Dance Personal l y, while announcement, a long Stonemilker, documents follows, with a feature comparisons can be made, time before its scheduled the feeling 9 months from Antony Hegarty, a it is vital to see this as release in march, I could before a breakup, imbued frequent collaborator, and something ne w and not resist downloading it. with a sense of denial at brings the pace back up, different, which it truly is. Saying this, two days later the idea of everything but delivers no emotional ‘A moment of clarity so she decided to release it fal ling apar t. With punch the previous songs rare / I must document on iTunes early, so I feel electronic drums and have, and at the same this’, she subtly sings on all the more bad for soaring sings, this paves time lacks the Stonemilker — these contributing to her need the way for the innovativeness of any of feeling and ideas are to release it early. continuing style of the the tracks from Biophilia completely original in Now that I’ve got album, and is the most (and at 8 minutes is easy respect to her other my guilt out of the way I obvious of all the songs to drift out of). Mouth records, and reflects a can go on to talk of (this is in no way saying it Mantra delivers skittish pain and despair not as whether Björk’s genius is is simple nor easy, it is beats and even sparser clearly conveyed in this still present 4 years later. still as abstract as ever). strings. Her voice soars as way before by her. It is a I can wholeheartedly Nearer the climax, we usual, and her defiance very difficult record, but confirm it is. With Kanye- have Lionsong, 5 months comes to the fore — ‘I re wards hugel y with collaborating producer before the end - ‘maybe was not hurt’ — the repeated listens, and owes Arca working on all tracks he will come out of this dril ling dr ums and much to its candid nature. but the first and last, the loving me’ - she wonders, staccato strings reflecting Despite the brilliant roots in electronic as she refuses to tame the her certainty. The closer Biophilia’s obsession with exploration are imbedded, animal that her partner Quicksand being the final the ideas of nature, so, instead of being was being. It opens with reflection on the long, Vulnicura is easily Björk’s comparative to her her layered vocals arduous journey Vulnicura most human album. previous effort (for which discording together into a is. It is rife with opposing ★★★★½ she created abstract haunting crescendo. The ideas and idiosyncrasies acoustic instruments and song consists of sparse — ‘When we're broken ▉ Ben Johnson truly pushed boundaries), dr um patter ns and it is easier to look back 14 dramatic strings, and very years at Ve s p e r t i n e . little in the idea of Vu l n i c u ra manages to be conventional chord the bitter, cynical brother progressions, not to it’s of Ve s p e r t i n e , which was detriment. Histor y of the most open and candid Touches replaces Vespertine’s album Björk had done, Cocoon, the idea of new, until Vu l n i c u ra wa s physical lo ve being relea sed. What this replaced with sadness at record shows, as opposed their ‘last time together’. to the optimistic love The climax comes exploration that was her in the form of the 10 2001 release, is a pining minute sprawling and wonder at her own emptiness of Black Lake, e m o t i o n s , depicting the end, 12 documenting her BROADIE REVIEWS - Biopic Special The Theory diagnosis of motor neurone through his use of their relationship becomes, disease whilst still trying to expression and physicality it is impossible not to Of Everything preserve their romance. that allows Redmayne to become invested in the The last 12 months has seen This is undeniably stand out amongst outcome of their marriage. a rich supply of biopics with Redmayne’s best work so numerous talented actors. The two stars certainly push increasing numbers of far. His portrayal of the He is however supported by the film to new levels of directors taking inspiration visibly deteriorating the wonderfully talented ingenuity and it is moving to from real life experiences Hawking is the perfect Felicity Jones who manages observe a couple that is not and turning them into balance between anguished to quietl y aid his only self-motivated but lives cinematic masterpieces. It’s and optimistic, though it is performance with strong to support one another a comfort to know that the not only his physical acting of her own. regardless of the world of cinema is still condition that the young Despite her role complications they may capable of producing Brit expresses so well. falling into that of suffering face. Although much of the intelligent films and The Perhaps one of the most wife in parts, Jones brings content is simplified for the Theory of Everything is prominent scenes of the Jane to life and although it is layman and a large amount certainly one of them. film is powerful even much more subtle, allows of Hawking’s cosmology is Based on the book without the use of dialogue her internal conflict to brushed over, the film tells Jane Wilde’s autobiography, as we see an agonised become an integral part of of human experience and is the film follows a young Hawking practical l y the film. As Jones sheds incredibly enjoyable as a Stephen Hawking (Eddie crawling up the stairs to light on the difficulty Jane sharp romantic drama. Redmayne) and his first wife reach his oblivious son faces for 30 years, from the ★★★★ Jane (Felicity Jones) as they looking down at him. It is beginning of their whirlwind ▉ Luna Cullis struggle to endure his this ability to act purely romance to the daily battle

role as Turing, accurately cryptanalyst Joan Clarke to explore the intense twists The Imitation Game portraying his unmatched (Keira Knightley). Although From the director of 2011 and turns of wartime genius. His presentation of both actors are no doubt cryptography but also film Headhunters comes Turing’s superior intellect well suited for their roles it another slick thriller made examines Turing himself. combined with his social is slightly disappointing to A story of a man so to excite. The Imitation ineptness helps to display a see that even in the open- Game tells the true story of unrecognised it has taken sort of tinted charisma that minded society that is the sixty years for a true mathematician Alan Turing is essential to our 21st century, film makers still and his efforts to crack the account of his achievements understanding of his choose to lean towards what to reach the scale that it has Nazis’ Enigma code during complexity. This is however they know will sell and it is World War II alongside today. To create such a film a film that romanticises the safe to say that there isn’t is no small feat and it is a several other cryptanalysts. real life events, twisting much risk involved in this From flowing narrative to true testament to the details to create an production. Norwegian director’s talent snappy montages of furious adaptation more suited for Other minute de-coding, this film manages as he has released one of the the big screen. details, such as the name of most enjoyable and thought to incorporate both human It has been criticised his code breaking machine interactions and intricate provoking films of this year, for brushing over many of being changed, can however which is sure to do well in code. Turing’s real love affairs, simply be put down to awards season. ★★★★ Lead actor Benedict opting instead to focus on artistic licence as overall Luna Cullis Cumberbatch shines in his his relationship with fellow this film not only manages ▉ Mr. Turner painting is depicted in its clear as he shies away from surrounding nature is A beautiful and gentle full glory, which isn’t almost any tender created with deep brush telling of a very human story surprising considering the interaction with his peers. It strokes and an abundance of which explores the last few year of preparation Timothy is not until the introduction colours. Leigh opens this decades of painter J.M.W. Spall went through in order of landlady Mrs. Booth great man’s story, portraying Turner ’s life, in Mr Turner to capture the specific (Marion Bailey) that we are the unmatched splendour every scene is a painting in essence of his style. able to witness another side and modest normality of his its own right and, once you Spall’s performance of Turner, one that extends time. get pa st the near is no doubt the highlight of his vocabulary past the Although not plot- indecipherable speech, the this film and at times it does broad range of grunts he has filled, it certainly has no film shines. Director Mike feel as though he is simply in his repertoire. Their need to be. Its exploration Leigh has been completely recounting his own. Turner’s relationship is a simple and of Turner’s experiences is so successful in bringing to revelations of emotions are innocent, filled with intricate and lovingly light the true extent of rare yet poignant as his true touching exchanges. arranged that it alone is beauty one painter can humanity is conveyed during So focused on art enough to evoke the deepest produce as the film’s the few scenes in which he that even the landscape sympathy and portrayal of Turner’s art is dares to appear in need of shots look like Turner’s understanding. ★★★★½ wonderfully accurate. Each help. His vulnerability is work, every detail of the ▉ Luna Cullis 13 BROADIE PUZZLES & Miscellaneous The Broadie | January 2015 | [email protected] Wordsearch By our reckoning, this doughnut has at least 4 words that will help you find all the others. Simples. If you can find them all, email us! [email protected]…

Crossword 33 Congratulations to Odette Donnachie for being The SMT’s Secret Playlist the first to complete it and send it in. Your prize is on its way… a A PLAYLIST LIKE NO OTHER

Wrecking Ball - Miley Cyrus Tainted Love - Soft Cell Take Your Mama - Scissor Sisters Advance Australia Fair Goldfinger - Shirley Bassey The Cheeky Song (Touch My Bum) - The Cheeky Girls Girls On Film - Duran Duran We Didn’t Start The Fire - Billy Joel Human After All - Daft Punk The World Is Not Enough - Garbage

14 Uncovered by Louis Hall & Xavier Voigt-Hill Miscellaneous Overheard at HOUSEY Pet Peeves “I don’t know what to put in “Why do people slow down “Part song being reamed to my pie! Thyme or tarragon?” when they see a car crash? threads by musical amateurs.” Because they want to see a bit “You look like a cross between a of brain on the road. That’s “Fobbed printers.” mafia boss, Batman vilain, a why I watch Kids React vampire and the rubbish part on YouTube.” “I’ve got an interview at Royal of Sherlock.” Holoway but I can’t go because I’m “He’s been so good to me! skiing.” “The editor of The Sun looks Don’t do it! Don’t do it!” like a peeled Farage.” “Now the LARC has windows you “What are they building? can’t see the builders as wel.” “New year, new ream? Cakes?” What would I ream? “When Jasper beats my score.” Cats?” “We ganged up on the cripple and the cripple won.” “Why do we drink cows’ milk? “Compressed hard drives.” Surely we should drink human “Hot dogs are the worst. If I milk, because right now we’re wanted a tube of plastic “When you’re napping in Pit and growing up to be good cows.” then I’d eat toothpaste.” someone makes a castle on top of you.”

“When your violin teacher tels you Horoscopes about London’s red light district.” With Your Astral Botherer Wolf Louis Hal Aquarius: A wandering moon intersects, with dire consequences. Five letters. Confessions Pisces: And lo, he looked to the goose and said, “I love Xavier.” ‘Blessed are the wheezy.’ (Book of Job-seekers, 1, 7-9). Aries: Can anyone hear me? I – I’m trapped, I don’t - “My crush secretly hates me and doesn’t know that I know.” Taurus: You are faced with two diverging roads. To take the green road, go to Pisces. To take the brown, go to the second-to-last word of page 8. “I can’t say what I did.” Gemini: ‘They should apologise, just do it bigger’ – Steve Coogan speaking at The Leveson Inquiry, 2011. “I’ve got a sidebae but no mainbae.” Cancer: Is a man a soul? Does he have boundaries, limitations, or could his influence stretch on eternal, forever? “The music’s got me feeling so fee.” Leo: Please, if I don’t...if I don’t make it out of here, tell her – “In every aspect other than physical, Virgo: It’s never too early to construct a nuclear fallout shelter. I am a thoroughbred wolf.” Libra: For centuries, mankind has aspired to something greater, some higher meaning beyond it all. Go and find it. “Imma twerk it harder make it better.” Scorpio: It’s all gone quiet. Do you think they’ve – Sagittarius: The eagle soars, but the leopard tumbles. “The last Broadie wordsearch actualy Blue is the new pink. had a second legitimate word…” Capricorn: Oh, God. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, but it’s too late now. They’re here “I kiled Lucy Beale.” 15 Matron Blue The Broadie | January 2015 | [email protected] Dear Maton Blue… someone is remotely • If the other person Dear Maton Blue, interested at all in you. Dear Maton Blue, has a best friend to I wa s real l y Secondly, if they’re I like this girl, whom they tel l interested in this really awkward then but I don’t know if the everything, go and person before the OF COURSE it’s going feeling is mutual at the speak to them. Christmas holidays and to seem like they’re moment. We haven’t Seriously. Best friends I thought the feeling sending you mixed really spoken properly have the solution to was mutual. Nothing signals. Awkward before and I’m not sure every problem. happened last term but people cannot actually how to go about getting • Organise a group I got the impression sustain flir ty eye to know her better. meeting with some of that something was contact ver y wel l, She’s always with her your friends and some going to happen when which I know from friends and I don’t of their friends and we came back to experience. Don’t be know how to get her on make sure the other school. However, when disheartened though her own without person comes. Then we got back, it’s almost because the fact of the seeming weird or strike up conversation as if all of stuff that was matter is, if you are awkward. I see her and see if you have building up last term getting signals then at around a lot but we absolutely anything in ha s completel y least they do still hold barely ever chat and common. evaporated. They keep some feelings for you. I’m not sure how to • Go and speak to the on sending me mixed Strong, unresolved start talking to her now. person? Pretty obvious signals and I’m not feelings don’t go away However, I think the solution. Just say hello exactly sure what their easy after a couple of attraction is mutual but or smile at them….it’s intentions are. I’m not weeks, and chances are we’re both too shy to really not that hard. sure how to go about that if you had make the first move. • Have fun using my interacting with this something building up tips. I’ve literally person, as we’re both then the other person Love, basically just given you quite awkward, and doesn’t want to let go Helpless GE like a four step that makes the all of of that as well. The best method of starting a the social situations solution to your Dear Helpless GE, relationship at CH. awkward when we’re problem is to just come Just read the Do me a fa vour together. clean about your lil answer to the left of though and don’t have crush. Tried and tested this one and actually unnecessar y PDA. Love, methods include: speak to her (or one of Absolutely no-one Distressed Dep • Finding a mutual her friends) and see if wants to see that. friend who could do the feeling is mutual. Dear Distressed Dep, some sneaky prying Lots of love, Firstl y, you’re and find out how the Lots of love, Matron Blue actuall y lucky that other person feels. Matron Blue Got a problem for either Matron Blue or our special guest Matron to resolve in the Valentine’s issue next week? Email it to [email protected]!