Trump and the White Rabbit by Jean Stimmell to People’S Desire to Be Informed
Total Page:16
File Type:pdf, Size:1020Kb
The New Hampshire Gazette, Friday, December 4, 2020 — Page 1 We Put the Vol. CCLXV, No. 6 The New Hampshire Gazette December 4, 2020 The Nation’s Oldest Newspaper™ • Editor: Steven Fowle • Founded 1756 by Daniel Fowle Free! PO Box 756, Portsmouth, NH 03802 • [email protected] • www.nhgazette.com in Free Press The Fortnightly Rant A Court More Pious Than the Pope We are in a theater. We cannot We’re so old that we can remem- leave; the doors are locked and we’re ber when that sort of health out- chained into the seats. On the screen come would be considered a bad is a horror movie. thing by just about everyone. Now We’re about 300 reels into it. We the virus seems to have a constitu- should be bored out of our wits. ency of its own. We could call it the We’re not just the audience, though. Death Panel. We’re the cast, too. In Roman Catholic Diocese of Half of us are screaming, “Don’t Brooklyn v. Cuomo, the Supreme open that door!” Up on the screen, Court weighed Governor Andrew though…. Cuomo’s responsibility to protect Someone opened the door. Of public health against the right of course someone opened the door. pastors to risk the lives of their Not only do they have every right flocks. On November 25th, the to open it, but you, you hateful, de- sheep lost. spicable person, have shown yourself The Court’s decision was alleged- to be un-American by questioning ly based on the First Amendment: their right to do so. “Congress shall make no law re- Doors flew open all summer long specting an establishment of reli- at such a pace that, but for the horror, gion, or prohibiting the free exercise we might as well have been living in thereof….” That has somehow come a farce by Georges Feydeau—who, to mean that whosoever believes he let us recall, spent his last years in an knows the will of some diety has asylum, felled by depression. every right to spread a lethal virus. Now the data say we’re about to Thank Baphomet the practice of How odd. The highest judicial Our gametes may be sacred, but Then along came Gavrilo Princip. be hit hard—harder than ever. Ap- snake handling is dying out. body in a nation without an official once they’ve grown up into nurses, The tubercular 19 year-old and his parently that’s what it will take for us The next day, in the New York religion has somehow turned out to doctors, and grocery clerks, they’re little pistol started what was called, to smarten up. Even at that, there’s Times, Pope Francis—helpfully be more pious than the Pope. expendable. in those days, The Great War. In less no guarantee. described by the paper of record as On the other hand, maybe it’s not This principle was demonstrated than five years it knocked off ten The U.S. death toll currently “head of the Catholic Church and so strange. Maybe it’s just politics as yet again on Thursday, November million soldiers; in the process an- stands somewhere about 270,000. the bishop of Rome”—wrote in an usual. In the population at large, only 26th. We may not have an estab- other four million non-combatants A late-November page from the op-ed, “With some exceptions, gov- one American in five is Catholic. On lished religion, but we do have a somehow got in the way. CDC predicts a total of 294,000 to ernments have made great efforts to the Court, though, Catholics have quasi-religious national holiday. That horrific cumulative death 321,000 COVID-19 deaths will be put the well-being of their people an overwhelming majority—six out Everyone knows what Thanksgiv- toll was doubled, or worse, by the reported by December 19th. That’s first…. [They have] acted respon- of nine. How did that happen? More ing is. Obviously it implies that there so-called Spanish Influenza. Though another 30,000 dead between now sibly, imposing strict measures to to the point, why did that happen? is someone to be thanked. Who, limited to ocean liners, rather than and then. Have a Merry Christmas. contain the outbreak. Conservatives—many of them exactly? Thank Him or Her—or jets, the war spread the flu with a Most news outlets limit their “Yet some groups protested, refus- evangelical Protestants—have Them?—for what? vengeance. Not from Spain, but projections to similarly myopic sce- ing to keep their distance, marching been packing the court with Cath- NPR reports that the number of from Camp Funston, Kansas, it narios—as if this thing was going to against travel restrictions—as if olics for years. Never mind all that Americans traveling a significant covered the world, sparing only suddenly call it quits in mid-winter. measures that governments must mealy-mouthing during confirma- distance dropped a whopping four Antarctica. We were able to find one reputable impose for the good of their people tion hearings, the game plan here is percent from last year. Some of those The calendar says that once-Great source—the Institute for Health constitute some kind of political as- obvious. Use the Church’s antipathy folks may soon be showing up on War ended more than a century Metrics and Evaluation [IHME] in sault on autonomy or personal free- towards abortion as a battering ram lists of the late and lamented. ago—though some veterans of more Seattle—that’s bold enough to proj- dom!… against Roe v. Wade. Georges Feydeau’s sprightly farc- recent vintage will assure you that ect farther out, through February. “It is all too easy for some to take It’s easy to see where this conser- es, cited earlier, flourished at the hardly any war has ever really ended. Working from IHME’s estimates, an idea—in this case, for exam- vative juggernaut is headed: turn of the 20th century—about the If we were to travel half the way and applying a little extrapolation, it ple, personal freedom—and turn it Every sperm is sacred same time the consumption of ab- back, from now ’til then, we would looks pretty certain that this virus into an ideology, creating a prism Every sperm is great sinthe and coca-laced Vin Mariani rediscover a playwright who is per- will have killed half a million Amer- through which they judge every- If a sperm is wasted peaked. No wonder we remember fect for our times: the bleak—yet icans by March 17th. thing.” God gets quite irate. the period as la Belle Époque. funny—Samuel Beckett. The Alleged News® President Humpty Dumpty Trumpty’s Great Fall resident Humpty Dump- If we get really lucky, though—yes, After a long and utterly pointless We submit Exhibit “A”: Sidney had switched millions of votes from ty Trumpty had a Great Fall. we know: Lucky? What a preposter- delay, that proof finally emerged “Kraken” Powell. As recently as No- HDT to Joe Biden. The software PSome people have said it was the ous thought, in the year 2020!—we this fortnight. In keeping with the vember 14th, HDT cited Powell as running the machines, she said, had greatest fall of all time. No one has will never again see anything like unique tone of his administration, one member of “a truly great team, been created at the behest of Ven- ever seen anything like it. this because 1) the majority of us it was revealed by the very efforts of added to our other wonderful law- ezuelan President Hugo Chavez, In fact, there may never again be will not stand for it, and, 2) despite HDT’s “legal team” to obfuscate it. yers and representatives!” Less than who, technically, has been dead for anything like it—because we might longstanding custom and many sa- Less clear is the matter of who a Scaramucci later, Rudy Giuliani, seven years. not survive this one. The last we cred Constitutional provisions to the is on this team. Lacking assistance HDT’s personal lawyer, and Jenna If we have this right, Powell may heard, President Humpty Dumpty contrary, the will of the majority will from the late Bud Abbot and Lou Ellis, a “senior legal advisor” on his have been bounced for alleging that Trumpty retained full authority to have a determinant effect on public Costello—creators of the immor- “elite strike force team,” issued a Georgia Governor Brian Kemp demand the nuclear football, right policy. But we get ahead of ourselves. tal “Who’s On First” routine—we statement saying, “Sidney Powell is threw the election for Sleepy Joe along with his next bag full of Big First a minor housekeeping note: cannot say which among this host practicing law on her own. She is Biden in exchange for a large bribe Macs.® for the rest of this Rant we’ll use of improbable goofballs—who not a member of the Trump Legal from George Soros. If we were in a comic strip, the HDT for short. Studies have shown have been springing up around the Team. She is also not a lawyer for Nevertheless, in a heart-warming joke would be on the angry, over- that seeing the real name of the per- country like psychedelic mushrooms the President in his personal capac- display of consideration for a person weight, overgrown child. Alas, we’re son in question in print has been around cow flops after a spring ity.” with a handicap—she’s too bon- not; the joke is on us.