Three Short Plays

THREE SHORT PLAYS

James Strahs

These plays were produced twice by The Little Theatre at Tonic in New York in spring and fall 2001: Jane Dorch was directed by Erika Hielman; Producers of Fiction by Ellen LeCompte; How to Act by Daniel Aukin. In the spring and fall productions, Jane Dorch was played by Kate Gleason; Barry in How To Act by Gary Wilmes. The three plays were done on different nights in the ﬁrst production; in the fall all three plays were done together as one evening of theatre. The ﬁrst cast of Producers of Fiction included Judy Elkan as Konnie, Kristen Kosmas as Jane, and Jim Fletcher as Gerald. The fall cast for Producers of Fiction was Sybil Kempson as Konnie, Kate Gleason as Jane, and Gary Wilmes as Gerald. How to Act was published in a slightly different form in the spring 2001 issue of Conduit Magazine.

PRODUCERS OF FICTION

KONNIE: And welcome to the Pro- JANE: Shirony has taken it into her ducer’s form. I’m Konnie and you all head, and rather publicly reiterated, her know Jane. These are a series of periodic vow never to appear on this program seminars on and about producing and again. producers. KONNIE: Don’t think we couldn’t and JANE: Who’s producing what and where shouldn’t be able to say in full conﬁ- and wherecetera . . . topics and trends dence, Shirony Birtwhistle will be on in production, personalities . . . this program next week. Don’t think that we are not that . . . close. KONNIE: Okay. Think back to our last program. You may remember our JANE: O no no no . . . We are very promising a very special guest. close. Were very close. You want to tell them what it was, Konnie? JANE: None other than Shirony Birt- whistle . . . Konnie? KONNIE: Well, we were the best of friends, working hard, playing hard, all KONNIE: We are not reneging. She the rough and tumble . . . Until one day will be on this program. Just not today.

Downloaded from http://www.mitpressjournals.org/doi/pdf/10.1162/15202810260186747 by guest on 30 September 2021 she heard me making what she took to KONNIE: That’s right; you’re supposed be an unﬂattering reference— to be the brains behind everything, the evil genius. What do you say to that? JANE: runt cunt GERALD: What’s to say? KONNIE: which she took personally and which somehow offended her sensi- KONNIE: Well, I hear you do a class. bilities, for sure, because there’s cer- Do you? tainly no substance in a knick-knack, a pet name, a code name. She could have GERALD: I do teach. I feel I have a been some trash spy we were running... right—to do the teaching. I’ve earned that right in side of the code of law . . . JANE: We were not running any spies... JANE: Really! Gerald. I think most people have a pretty ﬁxed idea of who KONNIE: We love her. But she can’t you are just by looking at you. But get over it. tossing that by the wayside until we come back this way, what do you feel JANE: But we’re over it! We always was the most interesting thing that ever seem to land butter side up. came up?

KONNIE: Hold it, Jane . . . before we GERALD: I do a lot of stuff . . . get in any deeper, I want to say a word about a colleague . . . who has up and KONNIE: Well so do we all. Would died, Harry Dent . . . To say Harry was you mind giving us a few scraps of an extremely valued member of our information out of that horde of info community doesn’t say half of it. We that is you? may look like we care about it, but we care a lot! We’re close-knit. And we’re all GERALD: No, I don’t mind at all. Just moaning about the loss of Harry Dent what do you want to know? to producers, our Harry Dent . . . KONNIE: Okay so. Lemme put it to JANE: Gone, like that . . . so sad. So you froggie . . . So is all this, all this big fucking sad . . . But we’ve got a treat for bucks pub. spec. stuff . . . Is all this just you. Won’t you welcome please our . . . cheese! Just blotchy cheese distrac- special guest Gerald Hochmueller! tion, all this hot shot international stuff you do. KONNIE: Well well well. Well hi, Gerald. You’re certainly one of the big- GERALD: What? ger names in producing. Most will have heard of Gerald. Some may not yet have JANE: Oh, Gerald, you know what she heard. Heard what I heard anyway . . . means! Just tell us what it feels like in your gut. JANE: Let me add a couple of words: international style. Fashion art . . . GERALD: What?

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Downloaded from http://www.mitpressjournals.org/doi/pdf/10.1162/15202810260186747 by guest on 30 September 2021 KONNIE: Like that out of space thing JANE: Oh, please, aren’t you just a little you did in the Super Bowl, where bit queer, in whatever queer little way everyone’s doing the wave. you want? Or are you just totally normal . . . JANE: . . . the one where what’s her name plays Princess Leah . . . KONNIE: . . . because if you are, it’s one thing. If you are not, it’s another. KONNIE: Oh, her! The last time I saw Let me tell you, Jerry, you look kinna her she looked like dog food. I’m not queer, you act kinna queer, you’re even going to tell tales out of court but she starting to sputter as if I just ﬂung open was drunk and falling out of her dress the doors o’ your closet and now you’re and humping anything that wasn’t a OUT, as of NOW, right here on the transparent ﬁre hydrant . . . show! What is it, Jer? Spanking frankly, I think it’s your only hope to have joy in JANE: But seriously, Gerald, isn’t this your life. Did you ever suck a cock you what you do, just ice sculpture? As in didn’t want to suck? the following metaphor: I mean, sure, and it may even, of course, mean a JANE: Konnie! whole hell of a lot to the good people of Saskatoon or Irkutsk at twenty fucking KONNIE: Whoa ho! Then it looks like below . . . But isn’t it just slush at sea this blimp coming at you . . . level? Brown sugar? JANE: Weren’t you married, Sylvia KONNIE: Or as, say, a confection done Poggioli, weren’t you? What did she in meat, a day at the seashore and you think about this? taste the maggots? What kind of shows do you do? 13 naked men dancing, is GERALD: About what? that you? KONNIE: Well, are you in a cult or GERALD: No . . . what?

KONNIE: Well what kind of a guy are GERALD: Were you people raised by you? Do you shovel snow? Do you have puppets?! You know, your behavior is a porn collection? Do you like it when very bad. It makes me want to . . . uh you stink, huh, guy? You ever eat red . . . ejaculate . . . (girls titter) all over snapper? both of you . . . (Girls roar with laugh- ter.) I come on this show. . . . I mean, I GERALD: I don’t see . . . put myself in consideration to you, because you do this program. . . . I got KONNIE: Are you gay? no time for hanky pank! I’m getting things done! I got worldwide on GERALD: I can’t see . . . “CHINA OWNS THE MALL,” that deal is done. Taipei wants to feature it KONNIE: Oh please! in one of their nation fests. I’m running Mike Buxton, world exclusive, all his GERALD: . . . but . . . stuff, you know that, don’t you? He’s

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Downloaded from http://www.mitpressjournals.org/doi/pdf/10.1162/15202810260186747 by guest on 30 September 2021 got hold of a full division of the Red GERALD: Always faithful. Army, gonna march them into Soldier Field, right downtown Chicago. JANE: Don’t be silly, we’ve just met . . .

KONNIE: Totally off the record, GERALD: No, it’s what they teach Gerhardt, I am given to understand you marines to say when they’re drowning two are strictly . . . splitsville . . . them in a swamp.

GERALD: That is not true. They are KONNIE: Now that is dangerous. not telling . . . they don’t know the truth. And it’s a whole lot easier to GERALD: Blood sucking ghouls in the make stuff up. It’s liar/liar pants on ﬁre swamp . . . I’m tired. I’m good and all over again. I have a lot of trouble tired. I’m fuck tired. I’m working hard, with writers. working fast. I don’t have a lot of time for fun so I do it fast . . . I got to be KONNIE: What is it with writers? I careful, got to be so careful. You can hit mean, it’s nothing, right, because it’s all endgame. Insurance is a gamble, sure, in your head. Could that be true? Aren’t but maybe you ought to think about they just extrapolating scribble out of it... random “Js” and “Ss” they’ve seen in their German toilets? KONNIE: Show insurance?

GERALD: I don’t know anything about GERALD: Yeah, I know this guy sells how they do what they do, tradecraft. it, only you got to do what he says . . . They’re wierd, and all different . . . KONNIE: Gerald Hochmueller, is that JANE: Snowﬂakes . . . your real name or are you German?

GERALD: Well, they’re not exactly GERALD: What am I, a violin? Are steeplejacks. This one made me so mad, you playing with me? What? Look, I I said, I said to him, don’t cerebral me, I don’t have to prove it to you. I’m not could make cerebral pus come out of going to argue. I’m not just saying this your ears. We were friends after that, stuff. I’m thinking. It’s not a program, lucky for him . . . You can lose your it’s what I want. If you know some- shit. It’s risky business . . . thing, you better say it. I am not going to sit still and be cruciﬁed by innu- KONNIE: Jerry, aren’t you exaggerat- endo... ing. It’s not really a dangerous job. Like a plumber . . . KONNIE: Whoa, whoa . . . Jerry, Jerry, easy! Konnie, you throw your rope on GERALD: I can feel it . . . Feel it in my this stallion. . . . hands, they grow cold, sweat trickles down my back. Like going live with JANE: Jerry, what about that great big Satan. Semper ﬁ . . . stable of yours? I mean the talent, writers, directors, dancers, actors, exotics, JANE: What? show people who can sing and dance

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Downloaded from http://www.mitpressjournals.org/doi/pdf/10.1162/15202810260186747 by guest on 30 September 2021 and make up stories and make the pain know what? No one ever knew, knows go away? Beautiful women whose fe- . . . I taught school for years and they male spills out of their form fitted all, everybody, voted me best teacher. sheaths. Hot men with hot pro chops You know why? Because I really care. I wafting sex gases up and down the ain’t never coming back, Jerry, not until runway. Or the stadium . . . the tables get turned. How about you? What do you do? GERALD: I do clubs, too. I see acts, I follow them. I smell talent, I pick them GERALD: I’m a producer. That means up. Club them around some more, then I produce things, shows, people come I see . . . and see. I know a lot of people. I like people. I form relationships. I just do it, JANE: How do you do it? Money, it just happens. And then some of them charisma, chutzpah, payola? get mad. I’ll take a call by mistake and guy’ll say, hey, your telephone isn’t an- GERALD: I appreciate the question. I swering. . . . Yeah, I let the phone say do. No. And you may not believe this. things, things I don’t want to say. There’s We are associates, Konnie, a primitive this one jerk, every time he sees me he cooperative, all for one, one for all. It all starts laughing, jumping around, scream- boils down to deep meaningful personal ing inane jokes. And I’m just kind of relations with each and every . . . kindly chuckling. I guess he can’t con- trol himself. It’s hard sometimes. Some (Konnie and Jane laugh.) of them go sour. Hey, no fault, long boat ride. Lot of lonely nights. Con- KONNIE: You want to give me some corde. First class. Recycled air hissing details? out of the vents. Limo. Sun coming up over Marble Arch. I flop down on the JANE: But, Jer, there are just so bed. Lonely as . . . shit. I’ve run through many... every kind of hope known to the heart of man. Mine is simple, my hope, my GERALD: You laugh . . . dream . . . She’s in pigtails and glasses, keeps perking her eyes up. Loose fleece JANE: Don’t be upset, Jerry. I mean . . . sweat suit. It takes a minute to realize, Are you on drugs, Jer? I mean, and it’s she’s fabulously beautiful. And in the all right. God knows we don’t care. I’m folds of the fleece, a fabulous lithe all for a little pharmaceutical transpar- animal. That night, virgin flesh, all I ency. I mean, I took those things the need. doctors give you for years, just to able to walk down the damn street. But it’s JANE: Let me tell you a little secret such a whacked perspective, having no about me. I wanted to do pieces once. sex drive . . . Anyway, I stay stoned now And you know what, Jerry, I still kind all the time. I just can’t stand normal of do. Listen to this, this is something I life. The way it unfolds. It makes me think can fly. We can play it in every want to scream bloody murder, Jerry, so city in the country. I want to do art I smoke a joint when I wake up in the with the homeless, Jer, and I think there morning. I never come down. And you might be social service money available

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Downloaded from http://www.mitpressjournals.org/doi/pdf/10.1162/15202810260186747 by guest on 30 September 2021 for something of this scope. You round I don’t get it either. Why do I do this? I up the homeless of whatever city buys it don’t have to. I am normal. I work. I and then march them all into the local could book you. I got slots. I got some- astrodome or what. . . . Work with me thing going out next week, might tempt here, Jer! Ordered ranks, Jerry, march- you . . . First you go up to my place and ing down the aisles. I’d already be on- clean the toilets! Ha ha. Just jerking you stage on a raised platform, with stairs, off. You want to go to Kansas City, the behind a giant stew pot filled with all Tyson chicken playhouse. Buck fifty a the good things from earth. They will week, no room, no board. Little third criss-cross in front of me, rank and file floor walkup over by the interstate. You interlacing, that would be the theme, want to go west? See me after. But only criss-cross, the theme of the piece. I’d if you want to work and work hard. wear the gown of clarity, criss-crossed Lace all your days with four-letter words across my bodice. I’d dance a dance and constant reference to the irremedi- with the ladles, one in each hand as I able baseness of existence. filled their bowls with my steaming broth, criss, cross, swoop, scoop, ladle. Listen to this: (Plays a small tape player.) And each one, each moment, each “Yo, Konnie’s, w’a’s up? You know, I was shabby odd man and hopeless benighted maybe thinking of coming over and young slut I’d service, that would be a porking your butt. What do you think?” moment, a moment of illumination. And you know another thing about me? (Sound of dialtone on tape. Gerald’s I want my gown to fall off . . . but so cellphone rings.) natural and in harmony that no harm will come of it. (She weeps.) GERALD: Hello?

KONNIE: She always gets laid. I’m not JANE: Gerald. . . ! This is our show! going to say I actually . . . like . . . a lot of the colorization that has come to GERALD: Quiet! It’s long distance. characterize this show . . . thus far. But I kind of do . . . I’ve got total over-ride KONNIE: What is it? What is it I got? on everything. Any angle strikes me The devil pushes her, you say? Non- wrong, I cut it. Snip. I can step right sense, I say. The nether world, really, is close up, camera one, anytime I want unknown. Down there. Unexplored. attention. I got everything that Milosevic Don’t ask anyone to show it to you. bitch had . . . Any of you rumba, get They can’t. There’s all kinds of keys and rough, lollygag, pull out of a stall at shenanigans involved. You want to be Mach 2, get out and dance all night ’till able to say, I got a friend in Gomorrah, you’re crazy and you just stop showing rest are going there when they die. up? I thought so. So now what do we They’ll teach you a lot of things you have to say for ourselves . . . won’t know until you’re dead. Let’s face it, there’s a limit on the amount of Look, those guys are jerks. Her, I keep fantasy life you got left to you, right? her for the same reason the rich keep How many nights? Right. chickens. Hell, I could buy and sell them. I could eat this cigarette. I know,

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Downloaded from http://www.mitpressjournals.org/doi/pdf/10.1162/15202810260186747 by guest on 30 September 2021 JANE: Unless you want to end up like JANE: . . . like back ofﬁce! Taking a call crazy Melissa, who they took away you on our show. know why . . . GERALD: Point of order! What about GERALD: (On cell phone.) You’re off you and Shirony Birtwhistle? What hap- the project. pened there?

KONNIE: I don’t want to scare you. A JANE: Oh! Now I know what you’re little money will make you sane. really like!

GERALD: (On cell phone.) You’ll never GERALD: I feel I took a real shit bath work with him again. I have his ear. here tonight. I feel like a lot of stuff Clean out your locker. came out of me.

JANE: Thanks a lot, Jerry! KONNIE: You know you’ve got a big cock of attitude up your butt all the GERALD: (On cell phone.) He has no time anyway mister. So you are not idea what’s going on. He can’t reach fooling your’s truly. I remember what back far enough to wipe his ass. Tell it they called you at the Hammer Head to payroll. back in the days when they still had piers, Gerald. Lemme give you a little JANE: You made us look like . . . piece of advice. You got to give, then you get. Give something for Chrissake! GERALD: (On cell phone.) You think! I Give shit, you’ll get back. Sing your had Rudy change the locks. Ha ha. little heart out! Then, even though you’re going home alone . . . you know they JANE: like . . . loved you. You got that to take home. Stick between your knees. Just don’t ask GERALD: (On cell phone.) That’s right. me for another dime. It’s a bitch. What can you do to me?

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HOW TO ACT

BARRY: Rusty Hamer has killed more beneath seven slatted baskets . . . The people than I have and he’s still at large. knife was in her yet . . . You’ve got to You know, that child actor, played Bea- work on that, amigos mios, John say ver on TV? You see it in the paper now jump, you got to say it right after him and then and he’s usually, uh, and the sound off . . . I’m throwing down the police usually ﬁnd him lying right there gloves here so fur’s gonna ﬂy . . . Let’s next to the victim. take the cuffs off people . . . How do you talk to them with all hair in their Nevermind. He’s queer. He’s a bubble- ears? Again, a must know. It’s down to head. Repeat after me: As I approach you! People! The guilt, where does it the never-ending, my light obscured start? It starts now, civilians! It matters!

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Downloaded from http://www.mitpressjournals.org/doi/pdf/10.1162/15202810260186747 by guest on 30 September 2021 You can’t say it doesn’t or it doesn’t not. (He performs.) You, get away with your It doesn’t not! trash. You are worthless. Your rubbish pollutes her death. When I was con- If somebody says this to you, what are demned to die, you snarled in my face. you going to think? What did you “If you have to die, die and stop whin- think? The way you thunk it. If only we ing.” That was your grief for me. “You’re could stop time . . . But not go back . . . a man now, Admetos, responsible for That scrubs it, scrubs it out. D&C, your own debts.” You think I care for dusting and cleaning! You always got to my parents? This butchery of yours, get up there where the cobwebs are, here, you see her, this dead body, that’s take a look around . . . Hey, peeky sees where all my love is, forever . . . Listen right around the corner. to me now, old man, I detest you and your stinking mouth. Go and cough on When time flies by like that, you know your wife . . . (Performance ends.) you’re getting your money’s worth. Sorry about food people . . . Let’s finish Yeah, the Greeks . . . That’s the Howard up... Hughes translation. Yeah, the Greeks knew about it, father on daughter, Good choice, coming here today. Re- mother on son, since time began, back ally. What I got to say to you today. I’m to the amoebae, way back . . . Comedy, going to be wrenching up out of my tragedy, and your other way around. guts . . . You listen to me, then maybe There’s nothing you can do with history we’ll see some sparks shooting out of like that; it just is . . . that career of yours. Are you willing learn, work hard, carry bags of bricks up So . . . Number one. And it’s a big flights of stairs? We’ll see . . . number . . . Denial of reality. Now if you’re not ready for this . . . Ready, but Hi, I’m Barry. I see there are some really not too ready. Not eager. Everybody good looking people out there, some of thinks he’s got the dirty low down you . . . And that is great. I don’t, denial, but really there’s only one for personally, feel you can be an actor and you, the one you got when central be . . . too good looking. Or even good, casting passed out the sides . . . Any- for that matter . . . body hungry? We got stuff coming in for you people. Coffee. Soda. I think The Greeks were the first to act. They there’s pie. Is there pie? After it’s over? did it standing up, with horns over their Okay. This session ends, lasts exactly faces so people could hear them in the one hour. You want to pass these cups back of the amphitheatre. It went on for around. Pringles, they suffer not the days, until everyone was dead. Every- irregularity of the potato. Is that suffer- body knew the plot already. Certain ing? We’ll wait. It’s coming in, any type of boy and girl would hang around minute. the temple, pick up this role or that, point is they’d be working which is, ha Wow, maybe this, this is what I should ha, what counts in show business. be talking about, this lack of trust, basic lack . . . Look, there is food coming in Watch and learn! . . . There is also just a chance we could

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Downloaded from http://www.mitpressjournals.org/doi/pdf/10.1162/15202810260186747 by guest on 30 September 2021 get a really big star in here to workshop Okay, so bad posture, who’s got it, who us. You’d get what you came for then. needs it? Topic: anal leakage, what are No, no kidding, she said, sure anytime, you doing about it? All the greats suf- if you know who I’m talking about. So I fered. There are to this day, mysterious will follow through on that. I’m going passages in Stanislavski seem to be about to set a time here so you make sure you nothing but . . . Let’s get busy with this get your money’s worth. And I have shit, people, let’s make it happen, There contractual obligations. It’ll go off . . . is just so much to know and you have so little time until the demographic changes You’re cagey. I like that. I like that in and you’re too old, so please. This I, I folk. You have nothing to fear from me. am no flim-flam. I’m talking to you? It’s yourselves. Let me ask you, what if Please, just hear what I say, take it the scaffold were unfolding for you? home, feed it to the cat. I don’t care . . . What if what was was a scaffold unfolding, flip, flip in your future? Seriously. There’ll be roles it’ll be running down Can’t happen? Think again. You’re at a your leg, say you’re doing a pilot on an certain stage, say after some nasty, uh, island off an island, somebody’s burn- excess of personality leaves you hurt, ing newspapers in the campfire and all bitter, self-hating, frigid, impotent. Not you see’s the word “COMPLACENCY” interested. Sometimes it’s a dream and going up in cherry flames. You’re going sometimes you just think about it. How after moose today with buck knives and am I supposed to know? And you, you you can clearly see that some of the guys are just going to try to get through all got hard-ons . . . the rest of this life as quietly as possible. Tilting your little head neither up nor Ladies, . . . I want you to work up the down, you are never, never ever, going vibrator scene from “TOTAL EVIL, to give it up again. Never. Right? A TOTAL WIFE” . . . Excuse me, but you shudder runs through you when you knew when you signed up you’d have to think about that last time . . . But, and buy books . . . it’s a big but, but you want to be an actor. A player, right? Well hell, hell, Let’s talk about something gets very you’re not a player, player, until you lick little exposure: hang and spread. Bobbed, the platter clean. shrunk, tucked, split, fluffed, wedged, who what when how? What’s best? You (He performs.) Fuck you, get away from tell me. You got to know this stuff or me. What do you think you’re doing? I nobody’s going to give you a job. cannot believe you are doing this! Oh my god, you have an erection! Don’t Look, here’s something I’ve been work- you know anything about the hell I live ing on myself . . . Me and this girlfriend in? (Performance ends.) were walking down the street, it’s the pig family is the name of it. This is my You see? Okay, so . . . we’ve been to stuff, there’s a social thing to it. Little outer-space, it’s a known thing, don’t billy pig is talking. worry about planet earth, my friends, worry what you look like profile. (He performs.) There’s like a half inch of grease all over everything and people are

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Downloaded from http://www.mitpressjournals.org/doi/pdf/10.1162/15202810260186747 by guest on 30 September 2021 urinating and doing duty on the street, certain. But you can be very big stars. I said, “Let’s get out of here.” Half of Estrellas giganticos! Yeah. Watch this. the men dress up like women which I God unleashes a crack of thunder. Let’s think is funny as shit, but whooee . . . I call him John, looks up and says: know the people there were looking at us because we all sat right down on the (He performs.) Number one, he says to sidewalk to eat. They didn’t have any me, have fun guy. Because someday picnic table or anything like Epcot. I soon I’m going to descend and kill you. know they were saying things and think You and everybody else. What do you they’re better’n us ’cause they’re all per- say to that? Oh, yeah, you what? Kill verts. (Performance ends.) me like you killed little Penny. She was in her yard, you killed her. What was Thank you. That is one of my own. But she doing in the yard? Penny, she was so you see the way I did that there? Char- abstract, shit no, penna . . . I’m satisfied acter! Now you’re starting to see it a with fiction, sure, maybe more, maybe little bit I think . . . not, makebelieve. You lose conscious and they kick your face in. That’s just I want to say we do want to help you. the way it goes. (Performance ends.) (Gestures.) We can be friends, better, co- workers, a secure relation with people Thank you. I wrote that piece you see? you trust to take up the slack and not Character? Like I was saying. trip you with the extra rope. All of us, working together, can get work done. I Everybody, think about the scene where know how you feel sometimes, the the bad witch walks by and the roses world’s a fake, just background, the turn black. I think we might workshop physical world where they compound that in one of the workshops, taking interest. You have been humiliated by turns. You’ve got to get yourselves up. life and live what for other people seems First adrenaline and then the phero- only a nightmare about to transpire in a mones and then a couple a’ chucks a’ crowded theatre, naked with nothing to smack in the spoon . . . Ha ha, just say for yourself. You want to give it kidding. You’re on your way to the top! away but you mustn’t. Don’t give it Watch this one I’m working on. It’s away, not yet. You need more time. You character. Old Tom comes in too close, need training and discipline. You’re sticks his middle fingers in his nose and wound tight and need to be unscrewed. says: What you feel is pain. It doesn’t have any meaning, it’s just pain. That pain (He performs.) Hey, watch this, every- can be a roadmap. A roadmap to the body! I’m going to blow up my head! stars. No, to pleasure. You are going to (Performance ends.) learn this. You can learn this at which time you will be totally compelled to go Don’t look eager. Don’t be eager. Don’t out, get the role, close the deal, make let your tongue loll out. Don’t be afraid the kill . . . Move on to the top where of working in the dark. Keep drinking you will belong once you get done with that water until I start seeing some this working on yourself. It will never drinkable piss. Your ass, scooped or be . . . something you can take for protruded. I’m not giving the quiz my

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Downloaded from http://www.mitpressjournals.org/doi/pdf/10.1162/15202810260186747 by guest on 30 September 2021 friends, you will be quizzed on the relax, let it happen to them. Why the rialto . . . fuck didn’t we get food? Scene study got snacks. What are we, lepers? We got Okay, you’re flatlining on something for rights. We are who we are. They must LA Law, you’re a princess only you think we are the kind of loser we are not forgot because you got psychotic amne- going to be. sia ends you up busting out of your blouse in a bar on Sunset, evil character That sadness . . . It’s in the crook in after evil snuffling your butt only ’cause your neck, lodged there in the electro- you’re sicko you think they’re nice guys lytes. You never know what will set you should maybe blow! Where’s you them off. ass? Hmmmm? Let’s talk performance anxiety before Get off of your knees people and take a we wrap it up. Anxiety about my capac- look at this key . . . ity . . . I start off. I’m the one to get water for the group. Never mind who (He pulls out a key.) they are. Maybe they’re just the people in the show. We’re gonna die if we don’t What I’m going to give you’s a key, get water. They’re counting on me. The open any role, let you in . . . You walk women look up at me with soft round around, try it on, kick the tires, there is eyes, pitched slightly down on tilted no pain, there is no expiration date. little heads. Many a button undone, Take a look at that honey. See the chest heaving. They give me the cyanide complexity. That’s just a hint of some of tab and they point north. I’m off . . . the things I got in my pockets . . . I got to have a car. Fuck, we are so rich, Here’s sure fire. Get fat. Yeah. Learn to all of us. Grovel in it, boys and girls. Do carry 300 extra el bees a’ blubber, stay you know there are people out there loose, stay sexy. Be happy. There you who don’t believe in the reality of num- got a locomoted re-incarnate idealized bers? I mean of course they’re real. I Joe normal, median Mary, 425 of greasy mean . . . We are so bloody rich, immobilized acid reflux fart juice. People unprecedented. Everybody’s got too are staring at the glam reflection on a much food! Who ever heard of this? I TV. And that reflection? Could be you. got to get wheels. Tool out in the Get with the program, chumpies, there’s morning, never miss a beat, pillow to a cut coming, coming fast, and you may steering wheel. In a ‘vette, I could be at not make it. You do like I say an’ you’ll 60 thirteen seconds from unconscious. be working, you got 401K, cobra, It’s measurement has made the differ- healthcare, dental, gyno, significant ence, not the numbers. But even num- other. You get cut, you are a waitress, bers have something to teach us. you are office help, use those paint brushes to hold open the window, (Timer goes off.) Leonardo. I promise, last thing, emotional bubbles, When the hell’s the food getting here? emotional bubbling. Sex drive bubbles These people have got to loosen up, to

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᭿

JANE DORCH

JANE: Here’s a couple of hot love let- literally true. Sure, I’ve fooled around. ters. I get them . . . One guy sends me a Maybe there’s a couple of buck-toothed Teddy bear. Writes: maybe you can gals out there who haven’t . . . with guys learn to love me. Whatever that means. anyway. I mean, we don’t know what You see the bear is speaking. Take me to goes on in the privacy of a body’s bed with you every night, hold me bedroom. That’s kind of a special dis- tight, and rub my head and maybe pensation, something the founding fa- some night I’ll grow a big prick . . . Pure thers inscribed on the liberty bell . . . poetry . . . This other guy’s a big writer, champeen writer, got a big pen, I guess Anyway, ugly is up there watching the . . . He does these successive e-mails magic finger fly, fooling around . . . where he keeps getting younger and Whispering the secret words that always younger, you know, young man, teen, make it happen for her. Bobby Butta- boy . . . and in the last one he’s a fetus fucco, whatever . . . I don’t know and he wants to crawl inside me and anything about a creep like that . . . grow there . . . Yeah, sure . . . It Hey, I fool around, people write stories happens, what, once every thirty six about me, tell tales. So, what’s it like seconds. Get your check-ups, girls, the being the fool they say you are? Slander. world is a web of jeopardy . . . (Doorbell rings.) It’s Janet. She lives with these three great musicians. I’m Jane Dorch and I’m here to try! Yes, I am sad tonight . . . You can help me. I JANET: Ooooh! Have you got pumice? know you can, let me tell you a little story. There was a girl named Jane, she JANE: What? lived her life, it just flew by her . . . It was racing, or so it seemed to Jane. Like JANET: Pumice. Like Putin. Did you clouds . . . She’d reach out to touch it see where Putin is getting with Bush? . . . Where do you get your good ideas? Doesn’t that sound dirty?

What they say about lovely young ac- JANE: Janet, I don’t have time for this. tresses with liberal leanings is . . . I’m trying to do a show . . .

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Downloaded from http://www.mitpressjournals.org/doi/pdf/10.1162/15202810260186747 by guest on 30 September 2021 JANET: I see . . . I love reggae. It’s like for . . . I was on an exceptionally jazz. Well, just like jazz. Jazz to me . . . successful show; I played Konnie, care- free, juxtaposed Konnie with her good (Janet starts to dance.) friend Jinx, the cynical, elliptical counter intuitive Jinx . . . It was big, and it just JANE: Janet, the piece is about me! got bigger . . . Even the most fortunate (Janet continues to dance. Eventually, she situation for an actress is . . . shoddy. dances out the door.) She’s a caution, that What a mistake it would be for you to girl. And she’s really smart! Cut her envy me. Tempted as you well may be. head in half, slap the pieces together, The ﬁrst really meaningful thing that chalk dust . . . Yeah, that smart. She’s a somebody is going to say about my sex worker. She knows things. Like career . . . is that I’m getting old. But when a guy has a thing looks like a cigar I’ve still got a ways to wait for that. tube, she calls that a jerk-off dick . . . Now all I want to do is resign with Tourettes, tourettes . . . I’m okay now honor. A little dignity. I want to go ... (Doorbell rings.) Who is it? behind, to where real love lives. To live in the good part of love, what never gets COLIN: Hi, I’m Colin. Is this where represented. I think the power is real so you buy the dope? I need to know it, well enough to use it to match my desires. What a difference JANE: Next door . . . I chose stardom. that’ll make. I’m leaving the business. I I achieved stardom. I enjoyed stardom. mean, what am I? I’m a stupid fucking blind whore at the short end of the age It is very difﬁcult for me to say to you gizmo. (Door bell rings.) Who is it? tonight what I need to say to you. This is my last performance. I’m leaving the VOICE OF MARSHALL TWEED: theatre. Theatre is the loser art anyway, Marshall Tweed, boro’ a’ Manhattan. the poor relation to everything else, (Tweed enters.) short and misshapen and living in a trailer out on airline highway. I want to JANE: Yeah, come in. What is it? announce that this is my last performance anywhere and I regret it as much TWEED: Dorch, Jane? as anyone could regret it. This might be easier for someone else to say, but I’m JANE: Yeah? just not good at this, I never have been. Oh, I see what you’re thinking. No. I TWEED: Eviction notice. All of you don’t mean I’m no good at this business are out on the street in a month. Then I . . . It’s this life. Originally, I got into it get the piano . . . What’s with all the to express myself, to dance and sing and lights? You in therapy, what’s it called? feel . . . But it has gone beyond that now and all I feel is the terrible loss . . . JANE: Aromatherapy. Yes, I’m a very sick woman. I worked small once. Long time ago. Before I went totally. Small troupe, TWEED: That’s too bad. Why don’t boon docks . . . I did little stuff with you go on disability? That’s the life. them, nothing like what I got known

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JANE: Well, that’s about it for tonight. So many ideas out there. So many It’s been a warm and rich experience for plans. So many set in their ways. I was me. It’s all so sad, so terribly sad. I’ll be looking at my thumb and forefinger the going back to graduate school in social other night and that’s when I realized, work. I want to work! I want to help what I’m doing, same as Señor Wences people in my life. I want to help kids go . . . For just a blink I saw what it was to college and have enough to eat! I like being me. I’m death. Maybe you’re want very much to dedicate this last like me. It’s okay, hardly one of the show of mine to my lesbian sisters biggies. It’s just how we see things, how everywhere!!! Make no mistake about we put it all together. Just don’t join up this, lesbians are one of the finest, if not in any organizations because they fea- the finest, elements in our society: de- ture a really cool skull decal. Or fall in cent, hard working, fun loving. I can’t love because he’s got a death’s head hilt say enough. Lesbian bakers, so there’ll on his sword. Actually, don’t do any- be beautiful good bread every morning. thing with anybody. Don’t get intimate, Lesbian apiculturalists, honey drizzling keep it on the surface. You can suck that off her fist . . . Dyke cops to help you back. You’ll never kill by yourself. It’s cross the street. Alpinists, climbing the cold and lonely nights. And I’m looking tops off high mountains . . . Lesbian for a man. gynecologists, death squads . . . You’re in trouble girls, go to a lesbian. She’ll be Where I come from, my part of the there for you. She’ll strap on the dildo country, a cowboy would go in a tap- and wrap her legs around you tight! room, order a glass of milk . . . The (She sings a snatch from the Pirate Jenny barkeep would double-take. The boy- song.) Und ein ship, mit ocht sagegen pokes would start to snigger, then snort, . . . Boom. Boom. See these tennis balls? then start up laughing. And the cowboy Everyone of these is signed by a grand with the milk would kill them all, down master . . . (She begins to hurl tennis balls to the last man, and him not much at back wall.) You want to pass those more than a boy himself . . . Lot of dead back after the show? They’ve got senti- people where I come from, my part of mental value. Why don’t I slip on some- the country, cowboy and otherwise . . .

END

JAMES STRAHS is a writer living in New York. He is the author of several plays, including North Atlantic, which was staged by the Wooster Group and published in PAJ’s Wordplays 5. His novel Queer and Alone was also published by PAJ.

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