Humanity, Fuck Yeah!
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HUMANS, FUCK YEAH No. 2709630, 2008/10/01 (02:55) Author: Anonymous “Humans are insane. You see, Humans have this concept called “Vengeance”. Once, a Vuux warship blew away one of their early colony ships. Fifty Terran geo-helio-cycles later, without a word, they glassed the entirety of the Vuux homeworld and called it even. Not one senator in the Union even dared bring it up with their ambassador. They have no com- punction to follow the Concord of Equal Force!” “The Human muscle-to-mass ratio is incomprehensible. Their world must have been at least half-again as large as ours. Their biology defies reason, they breathe oxygen and yet can swim in liquids without trouble. They can kill with their manipulator extremities, and more. One prisoner slammed his brain case into a guard, and then beat them to death with his bare hands.” “Of all the violence-capable sophont clades, Humans are the only ones who strap themselves into armored shells and drop out of the atmosphere onto enemy positions. And that’s only after they soften up any ground re- sistance with orbital bombardment. We are certain that they have secretly developed mind-upload technology (and thus a kind of technical immortal- ity). The other possibility, that they are willing to throw themselves into the path of anti-starship weapons without hesitation and risk their con- sciousnesses, is unthinkable.” “I once met a Human at a waystation on a Class 1 world. It did some kind of rough work for one of their colonies. It called itself a “search and retrieval expert” but I’m guessing the translation software couldn’t find the proper words. A few weeks later, it returns to the waystation, sans its trans-grav (rented, I might add). Apparently the people it was hunting took down its transport, but it continued on foot after escaping the wreckage and patching itself up. The scary part was that it was wearing clothes fashioned from Tharge pelts, had its targets’ ears on a necklace (DNA proof, I guess), and had fashioned a spear from a jagged piece of the trans-grav’s hull and an Iron-root. And it was honestly none the worse for wear, just sauntered over to the AENet terminal and collected on its kills.” 1 FOSTER BENT No. 2710543, 2008/10/01 (05:14) Author: Anonymous Notable in local history is the occasion of one human, designation “Fos- ter Bent”, and his arrival on Vox 12 in a nearly disabled spacecraft. It is recorded that when “Foster Bent” crawled from his landing pod to look upon Vox 12, the locals took him for an invader and issued a mating celebration in his honor. It is little known that the Voxi use mating as a weapon, luring in other races to mate uncontrollably until they expire from discharge sickness, dehydration, exhaustion, or pleasure, depending on species. Foster Bent is said to have pleasured and ‘satisfied’ an entire village of Voxi females and at least half a dozen Voxi males as well. Upon his de- parture a stature of his likeness was erected in pure coal, a holy sub- stance on Vox 12, and his name is now used in a powerful social utterance of ill will translated as: “May Foster Bent descend on your mate.” 2 I REMEMBER THE HUMANS… No. 3185785, 2008/12/16 (17:44) Author: I apologized on 4chan It was probably about 13 Galactic Years ago that I first fought alongside the Humans. My unit of Vargruung Walkers were acting as heavy support for a unit of about 14 human infantry, doing hunter-kill missions against the Kell-wreth in some dark swamp world. Reminded me of home if I’m honest. Sure we’d all heard the stories of how humans breathed oxygen neat, could rip a reef lizard apart with their bare hands, felt no pain, breathed fire etc. etc. The usual fznar you always get from military stories. The truth is that, yes, humans have a well honed capacity for violence, but that’s still nowhere near the sort of thing you get from a Drll Suicide Bezerker. No, the thing that makes them dangerous is that… Well, it’s hard to put in the words. You know that feeling you get when you meet a doctor? That sort of feeling of trust you have that he knows how to do his job, that’s the feeling I get from humans with regards to fighting. They’ve got the air of knowing what they’re doing when it comes to fighting. They have this completely detached way of thinking about warfare that no other race can match. That and adrenalin, that stuff’s just incredible. It’s considered an illegal and potentially lethal drug in 90% of galaxy. Drll Juveniles use it as a Narcotic, the Octovar consider it an Aphrodisiac and the Kell-Wreth use it as a combat-drug. But only humans produce it naturally, and only humans have bodies designed for it. After all, it was the Kell-Wreth deciding it’d be fun to abduct humans and surgically harvest their adrenalin glands that caused the whole Terran / Kell-Wreth war in the first place, and it was why we were doing H-K mis- sions on Ghoulad III. So there we were, me and two fellow Barghast in our Vargruung Scout Walkers, acting as heavy support for a unit of human “Rayn’garrs” when a trinity of Kell-Wreth in full Mechanized Battle Dress get the drop on us. You could clearly see their veins monstrously blue and throbbing, and they’re squealing in that horrible way that they sound when they try to use their underdeveloped vocal cords. It was obvious that they were doped up on adrenalin so far that they couldn’t even act rationally any more. Their whirring gauss weapons manage to kill two of the humans in brief sprays of blood. The sight is so horrific that my two spawn mates froze in their tracks, and even I was unable to move my tentacles fast enough to get a clean shot. 3 The humans however reacted instantly. They immediately dashed be- hind the armoured shell of our Vargruung, which affords them needed cover, and began to return fire. The Kell-Wreth saw this and attempted to advance towards us. I fire a couple of shots from my Plasma Casters to try and scare them off, but in their state they totally ignore my wild shots. That’s when one brave human charges into one, and jammed the com- bat blade on the end of his slug-thrower right into the Kell-Wreth’s face, it made a horrible gurgle and sunk beneath the swamp waters. He then leapt on top of another and with his bare hands he managed to gouge the Kell-Wreth’s eyes out; its screaming somehow managed to get even worse before the human broke the things neck. The other one stops for an instant as it notices its compatriots flailing and I was finally able to concentrate long enough to incinerate it with my plasma casters. It later turned out that the human had been shot five times in non-lethal areas. He simply did not feel it at the time. Adrenalin. Amazing stuff. 4 OUR TERRIBLE GIFT No. 3186300, 2008/12/16 (19:25) Author: Anonymous !MESSAGE BEGINS We made a mistake. That is the simple, undeniable truth of the matter, however painful it might be. The flaw was not in our Observatories, for those machines were as perfect as we could make, and they showed us only the unfiltered light of truth. The flaw was not in the Predictor, for it is a device of pure, infallible logic, turning raw data into meaningful infor- mation without the taint of emotion or bias. No, the flaw was within us, the Orchestrators of this disaster, the sentients who thought themselves beyond such failings. We are responsible. It began a short while ago, as these things are measured, less than 66 Deeli ago, though I suspect our systems of measure will mean very little by the time anyone receives this transmission. We detected faint radio signals from a blossoming intelligence 214 Deelis outward from the Galac- tic Core, as photons travel. At first crude and unstructured, these leaking broadcasts quickly grew in complexity and strength, as did the messages they carried. Through our Observatories we watched a world of strife and violence, populated by a barbaric race of short-lived, fast breeding vermin. They were brutal and uncultured things which stabbed and shot and burned each other with no regard for life or purpose. Even their concepts of Art spoke of conflict and pain. They divided themselves according to some bizarre cultural patterns and set their every industry to cause of death. They terrified us, but we were older and wiser and so very far away, so we did not fret. Then we watched them split the atom and breach the heavens within the breadth of one of their single, short generations, and we began to worry. When they began actively transmitting messages and greetings into space, we felt fear and horror. Their transmissions promised peace and camaraderie to any who were listening, but we had watched them for too long to buy into such transparent deceptions. They knew we were out here, and they were coming for us. The Orchestrators consulted the Predictor, and the output was dire. They would multiply and grow and flood out of their home system like some uncountable tide of Devourer worms, consuming all that lay in their path.