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Parenting in Stepfamilies

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Parenting in Stepfamilies parenting elementary through high school Parenting in Stepfamilies Couples like Phil and Kathy, shown in Does this sound familiar? the example, often look forward to Kathy and Phil, who have children from other remarriage as an answer to prob- marriages, were married 18 months ago. Kathy's lems they faced as single parents. children live with them and Phil's two children visit There are two parents to share the twice a month. At first, things seemed great for load, two parents to discipline, and everyone. Phil and Kathy thought that after an often two sources of income. And initial adjustment, they would be a big, happy because the adults are in love and family. However, Kathy's children now seem to want to be together, they assume resent Phil, especially when he disciplines them. When everyone is , children also will welcome a newcomer. However, most single together on weekends, the children constantly fight or are angry. The parents who remarry discover being other day Phil's son said to Kathy, "You don't have any right to tell a stepparent is not easy. This me what to do. You're not my real mother." Kathy feels like she's publication may have ideas to help. walking on egg shells and Phil is wondering how long they can go on like this. Typical stepfamily problems Although you want your new family to be just like everyone else's, trust, and respect, but these stepsiblings is typical. Getting along Stepfamilies are different from first- feelings often take years to de- with "new" brothers and sisters is time families and pose unique velop. A child who's pushed to more difficult than getting along challenges. It helps to understand express affection that's not there with siblings in first-time families. what is normal in a stepfamily so may also feel guilty or pressured. that you can accept things as they Discipline in Stepfamilies are or make changes when • Stepparent discipline. The new Here are some guidelines to make needed. Most Stepfamilies must stepparent often feels that he or discipline easier. deal with these problems: she can help a spouse by taking over some of the discipline. Most 1. Let the biological parent handle • Divided loyalties. It is common children, however, often resent most discipline during the first few for children in Stepfamilies to feel stepparent discipline and say, or at months and years. Children accept torn in their loyalty between their least think, "You can't tell me what guidance and discipline more easily biological parent and their steppar- to do, you're not my real dad." from someone they trust, love, and ent. A child who accepts or loves a have lived with than from a new- stepparent may feel that she or he • Being caught in the middle. comer. Allow the new stepparent to is being disloyal to the first parent. Parents feel great loyalty for their focus on building a strong relationship. children, but also want the new • Belonging to two households. spouse to feel like a "real" parent. 2. Discuss rules and consequences Even if children only visit the absent For example, when a mother sticks as a couple. Talk about behavior parent, they belong to two house- up for her children, her new hus- problems and expectations with holds, with different rules, activities, band may get upset but when she your new spouse. This allows the and values. This frequently causes lets her husband change the rules, stepparent to be involved with problems after a visit. You may her children may feel betrayed. discipline even though the biological hear, "My real mom lets me do that." parent deals directly with the child. • Rivalry among stepsiblings. • Building relationships. Parents As much as parents want a big, 3. Leave the stepparent in charge want a stepchild to quickly feel love, happy family, rivalry between when the biological parent is gone. IOWA STATE UNIVERSITY University Extension Ames, Iowa Pm-1547c I December 1993 Tell your children before you leave, Stage 2: Back to reality Stepparents and children can talk "I've asked (stepparent's name) to The fantasy begins to crumble openly about issues without take over while I'm away." This during this stage and often there undercurrents of resentment and helps children understand that the are strong feelings that things are control. stepparent simply carries out rules not right. The stepparent may feel both parents have agreed upon. If loneliness or rejection from the Stage 7: Resolution—Holding on possible, wait until the biological children; the biological parent may and letting go parent returns to enforce the feel close to the children but Relationships begin to feel solid consequences. interpret a spouse's problems as and reliable. As feelings between lack of desire to be part of the stepparent and child become close 4. Remember that a stepparent's family. and caring, there can be pain at ability to handle discipline improves having to let go when the child with time. Allow time for a positive Stage 3: Awareness continues to connect with the and loving relationship to develop Stepfamily members gradually noncustodial parent. before stepparents share equally in make more sense out of what is discipline. It may take longer with happening and can name their A nurturing stepfamily older children. painful feelings. At this point it can • Give it time. Building relation- be helpful for adults to talk to other ships takes years, not months. Stages in stepfamily life stepfamilies or to read articles and Researchers have found that most books to help them understand • Talk to other parents in Stepfamilies go through predictable their experiences. stepfamilies. stages as they learn to live to- gether. Knowing how other Stage 4: Airing differences • Don't demand that children call stepfamilies adjust can help you Spouses show more energy and the stepparent "Mom" or "Dad." understand what you're experienc- strength and express their percep- ing now and what to expect in the tions, needs, and feelings. There • Read books and articles to learn future. Families vary in the amount may be conflict in this stage when about "normal" stepfamilies and of time to complete the seven the stepparent talks openly about develop patience. stages. In a study of stepfamilies, issues and the biological parent Papernow (1984) found that feels distress. • Try to accept your feelings and average stepfamilies required about gradually discuss them with your seven years to complete the cycle, Stage 5: Working together spouse. while others did it in four and some Once differences are aired, commit- took as long as 10 to 12 years. ted spouses can work together to • Talk together about rules and build a solid marriage relationship consequences for children. Stage 1: Fantasy and cooperate on discipline. Other Adults sometimes fantasize that family members can acknowledge • Get outside help. Talking to a they are rescuing children from the differences between this family and counselor can help you deal with problems of a single parent family. original families. problems and build a strong, caring Children may hope that if they "just family. ignore this new guy," he'll go away, Stage 6: Intimacy or that their biological parents will Spouses can relate both honestly somehow get back together again. and intimately with one another. For more information, contact the Stepfamily Association of America, 602 E. Joppa Road, Baltimore, MD 21204. The group publishes the quarterly Stepfamily Bulletin. Stepfamily stages adapted from P.L. Papemow, The Stepfamily Cycle: An Written by Virginia K. Molgaard, ISU Extension family life specialist, and edited by Experiential Model of Stepfamily Laura Miller, extension communications. Prepared as part of PROJECT FAMILY at Development," in the Journal of the Social and Behavioral Research Center for Rural Health, Ames, Iowa. Family Relations (1984) 33: 355, 363. Cooperative Extension Service, Iowa State University of Science and ... and justice for all Technology and the United States Department of Agriculture cooperat- The Iowa Cooperative Extension Service's programs and policies are ing. Robert M. Anderson, Jr., director, Ames, Iowa. Distributed in consistent with pertinent federal and state laws and regulations on furtherance of the Acts of Congress of May 8 and June 30,1914. nondiscrimination regarding race, color, national origin, religion, sex, age and disability..
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