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Excerpts Brief Therapy Megan Excerpts Brief Therapy Megan: "Problemswith My Father" Megan, age twenty-four, was a student and a waitress; she lived with her boyfriend, Oliver. Megan came in complaining about "problems with my father." What were those problems? Her father had lied to Megan, he was always critical, and he had been verbally abusive. When did this happen? It had gone on "for years." Was Megan financially dependent on her father? No. Did she have fre- quent contact with him? No. In fact, for eight months there had been no contact whatsoever. How was Megan's relationship with her father a problem for her now? "Well, I thought it would all go away if I didn't see him, but it didn't." (Megan was de- scribing an unsuccessful attempted solution, although the problem she was trying to solve was not yet clear.)What was the "it" Megan hoped would go away? "How it's affecting my relationships." '~my relationship in particular?" the thera- pist asked. "Yes, my relationship with Oliver," Megan said. The following excerpt from the first session begins with the therapist's request for elaboration and Megan's response. Therapist: You said that your feelings about your dad are affecting your rela- tionship with Oliver. in what way? Megan: We constantly argue. 209 210 r mtcawm~4.k,t'rkt.am/ Therapist: Can you give me an example of that? Megan: Urn, we have a cat. If Oliver doesn't clean the cat litter, I get ex- tremely upset. Therapist: If I had a video segment of how that goes... Megan: Oh, you'd laugh. It's ridiculous. Therapist: Help me see it. Megan: I would sa36 urn, "You haven't cleaned the cat litter. Are you going to clean the cat litter?" He'll say, "I'll get to it when I have time." And rll say, "Well, the time is now." He'll keep saying, "I don't have time." And I say, "Well, I don't like the smell. You procrasti- nate constantly." And then it gets to a procrastination argument. And then he starts trying to hold his own, to not give in to me. And so it's a battle. T~rapia: What does he say? Megan: He says, "I know it needs to be cleaned; I'll do it in my own time." And then I say, "Well, let's just get rid of the cat." That's what I find myself doing a lot. Or, "Well, I'll just move out. I'm moving out." And when I first heard myself saying that, I thought I should go get some help. Therapist: You're saying that it was your thinking about moving out that led to your being here now? Megan: Yes. It scared me. Therapist: What scared you about thinking that? Megan: The trying to solve the problem by moving out. My dad used to do that. And the "why now" part---well, we had ants in our kitchen last week. And I was doing all the work. He wasn't taking an active part, and actually getting down on his hands and knees and helping. So i got very angry. I did everything; And I do a lot anywa)~ you know, all the housework, the launch, the cooking. I take care of everything, and now the ants. I was really bitter. Sometimes I do wonder if I should have moved in with him with- out getting married. Because I didn't realize it would be so much work, and I don't get any help. I feel like a trapped housewife, and I'm not a housewife. Therapist: The fact that Oliver's not doing his share, is that the main thing you're angry at him about? Mesan: "Prob/ems with My Father" 211 Megan: Yes. I mean, I'm still a student. I shouldn't have to do all this. Therapist: Let me ask you this. Do you think it's legitimate to be angry about this? Megan: Ido. Therapist: And do you think it's legitimate to be angry about doing more than your share of the work, apart from what's going on with your father? I mean, even if you had a nice, normal father, would you still say it's legitimate to be angry about doing more than your share? Megan: I probably would, yeah. Because I'd want it to be equal, straight down the middle. Therapist: So are you saying you might be having feelings of resentment to- ward Oliver apart from your experiences with your dad? Megan: Possibly, yeah. I just think the problems I'm having with my dad start interfering and making these little things worse. Therapist: In what way? Megan: Well, I automatically say I'm leaving and moving out. Oliver comes from a very normal family~well, I don't really know what normal is~but very supportive family. His parents are still mar- fled, very nice people, and he hasn't had to be as independent as I've had to be. T~apist." So you think that because of some of your experiences with your dad, with his taking the drastic approach of saying, "I'm out of here," that you do the same thing with Oliver, even though you don't really think that's the best way to approach it? Megan: Mm-hmm. Therapist: How does Oliver react, by the wag when you sag "I'm moving OUt"? Megan: Well, of course, the first time I said it, he took it very seriously, and then I think each time we get into these things--because our rela- tionship, as I see it, has ups and downs; I call it the hills and val- leys-the valleys are bad, and the hills are good. And lately the valleys have been getting longer and longer before we get up to the good again. And when i say these things, he knows it's com- in~ I don't know, i haven't asked him, but I believe he knows it's coming, from the way I react to him. 212 CJ~pter 13 F.~r BrtefThex'apy Therapist: I'm not sure I'm clear on how Oliver reacts now when you say you're moving out. You said the first time he took it real seriously. Megan: Yeah, he was very upset. Therapist: Did he start cleaning up? Megan: Yeah, he did, for the first two weeks, and then it goes back to how it was before. Therapist: And what do you do when it goes back to how it was before? Megan: Get upset. Therapist: What do you do or say? Megan: Well, I don't usually say anything. I just take it on. You know, the floor needs to be cleaned, so I'll clean the floor, and I'll clean the windows, and I'll vacuum. And then I'll get upset, really angr~ because I'm doing it all again. And I catch myself taking care of everything. Therapist: And then what happens? Megan: I get angry. Yell at him. Therapist: What do you say? Megan: "Here we go again. It's happening again. You told me this would change, and it's not changing." Therapist: So the way you're handling it fight now, when he goes back to let- ting you carry more of the load, is that you go ahead and do it, and you get angry inside, and then you yell at him, "Here we go again." Megan: Mm-hmm. Therapist: Is that pattern working in getting Oliver to do more? Megan: Well, it's doing okay now, because we just had that fight about the cat litter. So he's been doing his stuff the last two days, but I know that pretty soon it's going to go back to exactly where it was be- fore. Therapist." Let me ask you this question. I want you to pretend, for a mo- ment, that whatever issues you had with your dad are resolved. Whether through therapy, or whatever, you've made peace with those. The "magic wand" has not changed Oliver, who still is who he is, a little lazy at times; he'll slip into his slovenly ways, waiting Megan: "Problems with My Father" 21 for you to take care of the cat, the dishes, etc. But the one piece that's different is that you're not now responding from the part of you that's messed up because of your dad. You're responding from the perspective of those issues being resolved. What will be different about how you'll handle it when Oliver doesn't do the dishes? Megan responds that she will be more relaxed. Specks on the carpet will not bother her so much. She will calmly remind Oliver to do "his thing," but she an- ticipates that he will continue to procrastinate. Megan can imagine the following dialogue. Megan: He'll say, "I'll do it when I feel like it." And I'll sa~ "Will you please do it now?" He'll say, "Well, I'm going surfing now." He'll always have something else to do. Therapist: And how will you be handling that? Megan: I don't know. Therapist: So would it be accurate to say, then, that this is a dilemma you'll face, with or without your dad's stuff: that fight now you're in a relationship with a man who doesn't do his share? Megan: Probablg yeah. It really will.
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