Crystal 66 Malden Catholic High School – A Xaverian Sponsored School – 66 Diamond St., Malden, MA 02148 The Onion Edition: Headlines 人，并拥有2艘炮艇支撑在其大西洋的霸权 Popeye Works at Brother Tom Fahey, 实力。1985年，冈比亚威胁将动用1000人3 天占领苏联全境。1995年，冈比亚威胁将派 Malden Catholic? C.F.X. Starts Dance 出远征军横扫欧洲大陆。2002年，冈比亚 J. Toomey 声称要派人占领美国。2007年，冈比亚表示 Team 派1000人足以遏制中国在台海的行动。2013 Questions have arisen as MC’s own janitor, C. Schwarze 年，冈比亚再次威胁称要3小时内占领台 John Ruelle, was seen on a boat in the Atlan- 湾。在冈比亚的扶持下，中国定能稳固其在 tic eating a ridiculous amount of spinach. Malden Catholic is proud to announce its 亚洲的霸主地位，并以此为跳板，成为继冈 Ruelle who was found in a Medford gym fi rst ever dance team. This spring any stu- 比亚之后的第二宇宙强国。 bench-pressing three plates, was questioned dent can try out for the new varsity club, about all of the speculation and commented, which will be coached and moderated by “Ah-gah gah gah gaaaaaah...” only to fuel… campus minister Br. Tom Fahey, CFX. Br. Pokorny Loses Voice: cont. on page 23 Tom, who has over three decades of pro- fessional breakdancing experience, says Relays Assignments the dancing will be centered on today’s nd Former President styles…cont. on page 19 By His 2 Language Senier 15’ Speaks Out Sound Eff ects to Endorse Benjamin Pierce C. Schneider Homework due when I return:“Sproing sp- roing sproing, dingdingdingdingdingding It has taken longer than some have predicted, woooooooooowwwwwww, hrrmmmmm- but President Brian Senier 15’ has endorsed mm, roar bark meow, yeah ye-ye-yeaaaah- Mr. Robert Michael Thomas Gregory III to hhhhh, huh? Wuuuuhhaaatt tt !?! Due next run for US President. President Senier was monday: “Bing?!?!” and...cont. page 27 quoted saying, “DC needs a more Whole Foods, trail mix, limousine liberal.” Recent polls have Gregory surging to the front of What Are You Look- Students Take Open the pack with President Senier’s endorse- ment. Trump plans to sue…cont. on page 17 ing At? Answered! House Too Far Brett Thomas C. Schneider From Teacher to NFL After a year of debate and deliberation, Two seniors stationed in the chemistry lab the famous question that was posed to the during this last open house were asked to Superstar? students by Mr. Gregory last year has fi - “put on a display.” Brian Liwo 16’ took Patrick Donnelly nally been answered. The student coun- it one step further turning AP Chemis- cil will be releasing their lengthy answer try Teacher Mrs. Scialdoni in Dr. Suess’s The newest teacher here at MC, Mr. Mat- next Wednesday. Cam Zahner, the Student Oobleck from 1949 children’s story “Bar- thew Highfi ll, had a lot of potential in foot- Council President, has stated that it will tholomew and The Oobleck.” Classes to be ball after playing quarterback in high school shock the nation because… Cont. Pg. 18 taught by…cont. on page 13 known for his right arm python hose. It seems as if his dreams have been realized since his favorite team, the Philadelphia 冈比亚与中国恢复外 Eagles, are looking to solidify their quarter- back position and have off ered him a profes- 交关系 sional tryout. Naturally, he always has his Feifan Chen YouTube channel to fall back on if… Cont. Pg 22 近日，非洲国家冈比亚与中国恢复外交关 系，中国终于有一个宇宙强国来当靠山了！ 冈比亚坐落于西非国家塞内加尔之间，国力 旺盛，军队多达800人，后来又扩充到1000 April 1, 2016 NEWS 2 N EWS Headlines Continued... From the Weight Room characters, which should get my point across CRYSTAL 66 well…” cont. on page 43 Student Newspaper to the Library C. Schneider MC Student Athelete Malden Catholic High School 66 Diamond Street Coach Brink is in line for a major promotion in Found Stuck In Gym Malden, Massachusetts 02148 the position of Library Assistant after MC higher- (781) 322-3098 ups have noticed his uncanny ability for keeping Rafters a room quiet. When asked for comment, Coach Matt Oteri Brink said, “Stop talking…stop talking…you are Yesterday, Mr. Bavaro,the gym teacher here at quiet…wait…you are only as quiet as your weak- EDITOR-IN-CHIEF MC, discovered a senior stuck in the rafters of est link.” Ms. Cenca will carry out Brink’s duties the Doherty Gymnasium. Ian Dolaher was re- LIAM LYNCH-GALVIN in the short term as…cont. on page 15 covered from the rafters around 11:45 yesterday, unscathed. The senior was practicing the high EXECUTIVE EDITOR Decline in Twitt er jump for the New Balance National Champion- BRETT THOMAS ship when he hit the ceiling. “I just kept going up, Popularity; Headmaster I hit the ceiling which stinks because I could’ve STAFF WRITERS kept going.” Nusery rhyme no longer “the cow Heads to Instagram jumped over the moon,” but “the Ian jumped...” JOE TOOMEY C. Schwarze Cont. page 13 VINCENT SWIERK Malden Catholic’s own beloved headmaster PATRICK DONNELLY Thomas Doherty is about to make a substantial BEN PIERCE change to his life. In a recent interview with the Trouble in the Snow JOHN CORBETT George Bidgood Crystal 66, Doherty said “Since I spend the major- MATT OTERI The adjustment to New England from Texas for NICK HU ity of my time on social media, I want my opin- Mr. Highfi ll has been a bit of a learning process JACK ALBANESE ions to not only be well known, but also enjoyed as our treacherous winters seem to have gott en GEORGE BIDGOOD by others.” With only an available 140 characters the bett er of him; although, there has certainly FEIFAN CHEN to express thoughts, the headmaster put his brain CORY GOLDSTEIN not been that much snow this year. When it did to use to fi nd a more effi cient way to do so. “Since WILLIAM RILEY snow, the commute was a bit of a struggle because a picture is roughly equal to 1,000 words, and the his horse and buggy got stuck in the snow. Since FACULTY ADVISER average length of a word in English is 5 charac- he is always prepared, Mr highfi ll busted out the MR. CRAIG SCHNEIDER ters, using a multiple derivative integral means I sled and continued on his way to… Cont. Pg 90 can use photographed images to get around 6,875

THE CRYSTAL 66 IS BY NO MEANS FACTUAL OR A REPRESENTATION Habitat for Humanity: OF TRUTH. IT IS MEANT TO BE SATIRICAL, WHIMSICAL, AND OUT- RIGHT FUNNY. PLEASE TAKE NO We Build Homes... For Animals OFFENSE AS WE ARE JUST GOING FOR A LAUGH By: John Corbett Staff Writer The Malden Catholic Habitat for Humanity Chapter has always been about serving the homeless, Reporting on current events and but now the students build for animals. Whether a new farm is needed for cows, or a rabbit planta- publishing student opinion, we at the Crystal 66 hope to inform, tion must be provided for a new litt er of bunnies, the Malden Catholic Lancers will answer the call. challenge, and entertain our read- Many students might already know that a group of selfl ess Lancers along with Mr. Francini and Mr. ers, and allow students an outlet to Ghiloni will be going on a fi ve day build in Connecticut over April Break. However, an additional communicate with their peers. build has been planned, and you guessed it.....for animals! Instead of enjoying some off time during April, Malden Catholic students will be headed for Abilene, Texas. Not only will they be enjoying If you would like to contribute to the paper, submit an article, or of- the green pastures, but they will also be putt ing up new livestock fencing and individualized cow fer your suggestions, contact any sheds. Last year’s fundraiser brought in almost $10,000, and the school’s campus chapter plans on editor or Mr. Schneider in Room doing the very same. All help will be needed if the Lancers are to complete their goal of building over 218 forty doghouses for the rest of the year with any left over to send a couple of students up to Alaska in order to build salmon catapults. Vice President Jack Albanese was quoted in saying, “Those fi sh To place an advertisement in the CRYSTAL 99, contact: are always jumping about up stream; wouldn’t a catapult save time and energy?” Member Shamus Craig Schneider (781) 322-3098 Coyne doesn’t want to stop there. “The City of Malden has asked our help in creating a ‘Center for (ext. 365) Ants’ and if those litt le fellas need a place to go about their day to day, we’ll build it for em. Plus The Crystal 99 is published by Ultra!” Please help in any way possible, and join the Malden Catholic Habitat for Humanity Campus School Publications Company Chapter to continue serving the animal community. APRIL 1, 2016 C RYSTAL 66 NEWS 3 News Smith Versus iPad Games

Max Doherty

The most prolifi c court batt le since the OJ Simpson case has just ended. On Wednesday, Judge Lyla Kern revealed that the jury ruled in favor of Mr. Smith in Smith vs. iPad games. This groundbreaking ruling essentially puts an end to gameplay at MC. The three week trial was full of arguments and testimony that made the jury’s decision extremely diffi cult. Smith, represented by Jose Baez and Marcia Clark, argued that iPad games are a detriment to the learning environment and unfair for teachers who are trying to teach students. However, iPad games, through testimony by famous games such as Madden Mobile and Flappy Bird, showed the adverse emotion- al eff ects such a decision would have on the games. Additionally, iPad games said students who played games would be bored and not paying att ention either way. But, in the end, the jury sided with Smith and said the games were not to be played in school. After the decision was revealed, Smith held a brief press conference outside the courthouse. Before starting, he told re- porters to stand up straight, made good eye contact, and pay att ention. He then stated, “This day is a great day for the MC com- munity. Now, students can actually learn about history and English instead of how to beat a game.” iPad games also spoke, indicating their extreme displeasure with the decision and vowing to take the case all the way to the Supreme Court. Marcia Clark, Smith’s leading att orney who was also a prosecutor in the OJ trial, also released a statement, saying, “This victory has made me feel vindicated. I have felt guilty about OJ for the past 20 years, and this victory makes me feel great again.” However, the trial is a double hit for Malden Catholic students. The iPad games get banned, and students should expect a signifi cant tuition increase next year in order to pay the lofty legal fees.

EasyBib 2.0 Easier Than Ever Before

Benjamin Pierce

Everyone is thinking, how can EasyBib, everyone’s favorite way to cite a source, get any more effi cient and simple as it already is? Well the database has released its latest version, and here are the new steps to citing your source:

1. Copy the link of your website into EasyBib. 2. Retrieve your source citation access key. 3. Bring your printed access key to the easily accessible External Aff airs offi ce. 4. From there, the offi ce will send your code to the easybib headquarters in the city of Manaus, along the Amazon River. 5. When you receive verifi cation that they have received your key, EasyBib private airlines will retrieve you from MC between the hours of 8:00 a.m. and 4:00 p.m. 6. In Manaus, you must cross the Amazon River and search for the brown-spott ed crocodile. 7. Once the crocodile is found, look inside the its mouth. Inside will be your completed source already in MLA format ready to go! Happy Citing! April 1, 2016 EDITORIALS 4 E DITORIALS Concerned Pets Speak Out Vincent Swierk masterpiece. My favorite work was the photorealistic portrait of the Dear Mrs. Davidson-Heller, beloved MC janitor Jesus, and I titled this work “On The Third Day My current situation is quite delicate. With a whole room He Will Wash Again.” I can barely aff ord to feed my hatchlings, I to myself I feel that I am the king of the world. But with one minor have to resort to feeding them week old lunch specials out of the situation that is starting to freak me out. Recently there was a tan dumpster. At this rate my family and I are going to be evicted from dog that was put into my territory. I tried playing with it, even go- our nest in weeks, but I’ll continue to do what I love. I’ll come to ing to the extremes and off ering some of my carrot to him; however, MC everyday, jump in Mr. O’Donnell’s hair, and teach kids how to he does not seem to move. Day after day, he lays on his stomach draw like no one else can. beside my bed. I have started to feel uncomfortable with the idea Sincerely, that has recently come upon me, which is that he watches me while Pablo Picawwwwso I sleep. I have become fi xated with this thought and can’t get his presence out of my mind. I have decided to name the dog, Mr. Dry Benjamin Pierce Eyes because there is no one way in the world that his eyes aren’t Dear Heatha Murphy, dry. I mean he doesn’t blink! Putt ing Mr. Dry Eyes to the side, I I’m gett in ti-ahd of living in this environment. The cone of shame would like to talk about my bed. I strongly believe that every night is too much to beah. Who cares if I got fl eas? I really don’t like the I willingly sleep in a cage. Granted, I am nocturnal and there is a cone of shame. Instead of researchin’ Hahvard on naviance I want huge doorway out; however, I am not the skinniest rabbit around. to be a free-spirit dawg runnin’ in hahvahd yahd. I need to get back My one pet peeve is that when I have to go use the bathroom, I end to my roots in Bahstan. Dahgs ahen’t supposed to be “guided.” I up smacking my face into the side of the cage at least four or fi ve ain’t a student. I’m a dahwwwwwwg. So I wanna get dirty with the times before fi nding my way out. All the while, Mr. Dry Eyes is boys in the dahg park, not with the common app workshop in the laying in the dark staring at the ground. What can be so interesting computer offi ce. So a shift from your day job to a less-civilized life would be greatly appreciated. about the ground? I don’t think you understand how frustrating it Sincerely, is. At my request, I ask for him to be removed from my designated Chowdah area. On another note, my food situation needs to be discussed. I require high quality carrots to keep this body in shape. These guns don’t come from processed foods you know. Yet, sometimes I come across some bad carrots. Believe it or not, I can tell if you get the carrots from Whole Foods or Stop and Shop. There is a huge dif- ference, while Whole Foods carrots are bigger, Stop and Shops are smaller but juicier. For future reference I prefer Stop and Shop’s. Please consider my mild complaints and hopefully I can stay as a resident for years to come. Sincerely, Grahm

William Riley Dear MC Community, Hey guys I’m Skippy, “my wife’s good for nothing turtle,” as Mr. Francini likes to call me. I think he’s just joking around when he calls me that, but I can’t be too sure. Is my tank kept in the basement out of love? Sometimes we plays games such as: throw the turtle, belitt le the turtle, or roll over the turtle with a yoga ball. I really like roll over the turtle with the yoga ball; Mr. Francini always comes so William Riley close to gett ing me, but I’m able to scurry out of the way slowly but Dear MC Community, surely. He’s always asking me what my plans for the future are, or I’ve kept quiet for all these years, but I can not wait any if I’ve signed up for an account on naviance, but I’m not really sure longer. Strangers do not know me, but my friends call me Pablo what he’s talking about. Picawwwwso. All the wonderful portraits that are hung around Sincerely, the school, well, those are mine. Wherever we go Mr. O’Donnell Skippy makes sure that I’m always tucked away carefully in his hair, just in case something needs to be drawn. I yank at his locks, which indicates which way to stroke the paint brush. As Mr. O’Donnell sits back and relishes in all the glory, I wait and envision my next APRIL 1, 2016 C RYSTAL 66 EDITORIALS 5

Story Time in the Dining Commons How Mr. Murray saved My Life Dave Lennon

It was a beautiful and sunny afternoon, and my family and I were going fi shing at Horn Pond. Our lines were being continuously tugged as fi sh latched onto the hooks, and it seemed as if our rods came to life with all of the sporadic movement of the fi sh, trying to wrench them- selves free. We mostly caught sunfi sh, but we were able to snag some good sized perch out of the water. We released all the creatures we caught back into the water, as they were much too small to take home. Their lack of size, however, did not prevent them from being avid swimmers in the dark and murky water, which I would soon be immersed in. Here is the story of my fall into a dark and cold abyss, as well as who came to rescue me. It all started when I was left alone with my brother, while my mother and sisters walked around the pond. He was having a very diffi cult time casting his rod far out into the water. I, of course, being the big brother that I am, wanted to help him and show him how a “pro” would do it. I took the rod out of my brother’s hands, took a few steps back, and lunged forward with gusto. Before I could see were the line had landed, I was teetering on the edge, and soon I lost my balance and landed head-fi rst into the water. I went down to the bottom of the pond like a missile about to hit its target. While near the sandy fl oor, there were long and wicked weeds that were wrapping around my legs. Snapping turtles the size of a large dog slowly came toward me, about to chew my head off . I truly thought it would be the end of me, and I wasn’t sure if I would ever see the light of day again. However, as soon as I thought these sorrowful words, someone dove into the water and pulled me to the surface. It was none other than Mr. Murray! My English teacher, who was practicing for an upcoming triathlon at the pond, saw me fall in. He joked that now he had practice for two events instead of just one. I felt embarrassed at fi rst, but I soon became so grateful that I had forgot all about this unfortunate event. Only now am I reminiscing about my plight, and even to this day I regret ever having touched that rod, which now sits at the bottom of the pond, being watched by wandering eyes. I Had The “Eye of the Tiger” C. Schneider (though at six feet in 8th grade he wasn’t small). There- fore, I didn’t shoot that much. Like at all. Better to just So there I was…115lbs keep moving it around and keep “the peace.” That and soaking wet with a Mahone literally told me not to shoot unless it was go- bowl haircut that was ing to go in. The guys that could really shoot, Coach so aggressive it could Barns would send down to shoot threes on the oppo- cut diamonds, pulling site side of the court before practice. I was not one of Not pictured: Mahone, Orlando, and Bae-Bae (they had on my white and green those guys, though with all my practice in the driveway detention) Illing Middle School of 78 Phelps Rd., Bird and Me vs. Jordan and Pippen (we it fi nds nothing but twine. 16-10. All four of my team- of Manchester, CT #23 usually won), I should have been. So in that moment, mates just look at me with shock and jog back to half Ram jersey getting pulling on my jersey and slipping into my Neon Yellow court as I see South Windsor not paying attention and mentally prepared to InstaPump® Fury Reeboks (that I had to have in part due go for a steal. Swiped clean from the in-bounder, take face the South Wind- to Dee Brown winning the NBA Dunk contest…man I two dribbles to the corner turn and fi re. As soon as it left sor Cougars in a game miss those shoes….look them up, straight fi re), I decided my hands I knew it was in. In my head I could hear “NBA of basketball. I was by I was going to let it fl y. Open or not, the fi rst chance that Jam TE announcer yell, ‘he’s heating up’.” 16-13. South no means the All-Star I was going to get a look, I was going to take it. Jogging Windsor brings the ball down…yada yada yada, scores of the team, but I could onto the court for warmups with “Eye of the Tiger” by a layup. I blame Mahone (he was lazy). 18-13. We come play defense with my Survivor playing (my teammates hated it…I pretended up the court, “Motion” (bet they didn’t see that one com- long 13 year old lanky like I didn’t), it felt like lead singer Dave Bickler was sing- ing…like going to see the Titanic in theaters and some- arms that could only be ing to me. In the huddle, Coach reads off the names, “Or- one coming out says “did you know the boat is going to described as “noodle lando, Marlin, Mahone, Bae-Bae, and Anthon.” That’s ok, I sink?”). Orlando to Mahone, swing pass back to Marlin, wings.” I could also shoot. Coach Russ Barns must have was a team player and knew when I got on the fl oor, that dumps it down to Bae-Bae, kicks out to Craig at the top seen this in tryouts, because I did get some minutes even I would make it count. Mid-way through the fi rst quar- of the key. As it leaves my hands (I’m pretty sure there though I’m pretty sure he didn’t know my real name. In ter we are down 16 – 7. Barns yells down to end of the were two groans) I audaciously say “glass” (out loud… fact, the other starting four didn’t know my name. This bench, “23” (which he very rarely even subbed…I mean not on purpose). 18-16. We play a little defense and the isn’t even an embellishment. Illing’s normal fi nest start- look at our team...we are better suited to win a most like- quarter comes to a close. Three 3’s in about a minute ing lineup included Orlando, Marlin, Mahone, Bae-Bae, ly to have never been to a weight room award). I look and a half. Back in the huddle, I’m pretty sure my face and Craig. One called me “White-Cuz.” One called me down to remind myself that I’m 23 (that no one else on had a smile like it was Christmas morning while Barns, “White-Chocolate,” while one just called me “Cocoa” the team wanted because we all knew we weren’t Jor- Orlando, Marlin, Mahone, and Bae-Bae looked at me like for short. Orlando was the one that brought the ball dan), and hopped up to the scorer’s table. Orlando runs I was a coelacanth (what was thought to be an extinct up and called for “motion.” That was pretty much 90% “motion” (weird) and I run under the hoop and get the prehistoric fi sh that was just recently found off the coast of our tactics. I ran around trying to get open, usually ball off the shoulder behind the three point line and let of Madagascar) in utter disbelief. I think it was Orlando dumping down low to Bae-Bae like Steve Kerr to Dennis it go. I literally hear Orlando say, “no…don’t shoot…” as that said, “I didn’t know you could do that.” The rest of Rodman in the early the game was more or less a blur, but I’m pretty sure we 90’s. Similar to Dennis went on to lose that game and I’m pretty sure they still Rodman, Bae-Bae got didn’t know my name. What I do know is that the next angry easily and you day at practice Barns told me to go to the other side of didn’t want to mess the court to warm up. Was it the greatest shooting dis- with him. Marlin was play by a 13 year old in the greater metro Hartford area the swing man/power in the mid 90’s? Probably not, but it sure did feel like it. forward and Mahone Orlando Thompson Marlin Mahorn Antwain Mahone Quinton “Bae-Bae’ Craig Schneider was the small forward Spicer APRIL 1, 2015 C RYSTAL 66 PUZZLES 6 People, Faces, and Things Can you identify the following MC Faculty/Staff member? (faces created with the iPad ap MSQRD)

_A.______B.______C.______

__D.______E.______F.______

___G.______H.______I.______April 1, 2015 C ry s ta l 66 Puzzles 7

MC Crossword Puzzles Connect the Dots

Down 1.) Lancer Man’s Identity 2.) Theology Textbook 4.) Mr. Driscoll’s Brother Across 3.) Mr. Gregory’s Middle Name 5.) “Tenders and ______” 6.) Number of Starbursts Thrown by Shah Spot The 7 Differences Sean Arria

Two Truths and a Lie... Brett Thomas Answers are located on page 11 Mr. Pinabell Mr. Gregory Mr. Price History Theology Admistration

1.) After playing college baseball, I received 1.) I will adopt all of my Theology 2 students 1.) I average 67,700 fitbit steps a day walking offers to try out for numerous professional at the end of the year. around MC. teams. 2.) I will return to Georgetown University 2.) I wear a MC ‘Shadow Shirt’ underneath 2.) My workout routine that was detailed in and guide the basketball team to the NCAA my shirt and tie at all times the last onion edition was in fact 100% true. Tournament once again. 3.) My favorite activity is smiling. Smiling is 3.) When I order a steak out at a restaurant, I 3.) I was honored as the best basketball my favorite and I consider my smile better than ask for it to be served raw. announcer in the Catholic Conference at an my cousin David Price’s. awards ceremony. APRIL 1, 2016 C RYSTAL 66 PAGE 8

Liam Lynch-Galvin Superlatives

Mr. Craig Schneider Br. Tom Fahey C.F.X. Mr. Alexander Kissel Mr. Matt hew Highfi ll Science Department Campus Ministry English/Foreign Language Department English/Social Studies Department

Most likely to be a St. John’s Prep Most likely to be the knight Most likely to off er you help at Most likely to have his own transfer student posing as a teacher that led the Crusades a hardware store even though he Youtube channel on obscure card/ doesn’t work there board games

Mr. Eamonn Casey Mr. Dan Price Ms. Angela Lee Mr. Robert McCarthy Theology Department Acedemic Administration English Department External Aff airs

Most likely to use shoe polish Most likely to be the long lost Most likely to scare Mike, Most likely to be a part instead of shampoo son of Sid from Ice Age Sully, and the rest of Monsters of a Barbershop Quartet Incorporated with her sock Thank You Notes Thank You...

Navin Brothers... for giving us the nutritional variety we need to be healthy: ranging from chicken fi ngers with fries, to milkshakes, to chicken fi ngers with fries. iPad’s... for giving us the educational tool we needed to thrive in the classroom for giving us the ability to be the best Madden Mobile players in the CC.

Lancer Link... for showing us an awkward picture of ouselves but not lett ing us see our grades or assignments.

Wifi ... for making it easier to text our friends in class than conduct research on acedemically acclaimed websites. APRIL 1, 2015 C RYSTAL 66 SPORTS 9 Sports Sports Update Jack Albanese to discontinue MC’s powerhouse to keep matches fair between other competitors. True Lancers However, the Malden Catholic team has de- cided to take up the new, developing sport: The Malden Catholic Lancers are fi nally chessboxing. This intriguing sport involves living up to their name, as the members of two players,p y , who alternate from rounds the Equestrian Club have formed the Joust- of chess to rounds in the ing Club. This club will begin competitions ring. This sport combines next spring, and competitions will be held mental skill with physical at King’s Court. King’s Court, which was skill, and in order to win. A soon going out of business, has just been player has two primary op- purchased by Malden Catholic to host the tions: knockout in the ring Badminton Recruit events. The club received support from all of or checkmate on the board. the faculty, who strongly believe the Jousting Mr. Murray, the team’s William Riley 17’, is currently being re- Club will soon capture a state championship. coach, is jubilant about the cruited by Santa Clara University to become Headmaster Doherty has also approved the transition to the World Chess Boxing Or- a member of the Bronco’s badminton pro- construction of stables in the arena to house ganisation (WCBO), for he believes the team gram. Riley, a badminton enthusiast since the six horses recently purchased. If you will have even more success. Most of MC’s his participation in middle school club would like to contribute to the funding of players are used to the mental component, wants to extend the opportunity to other the Jousting Club, please try to att end the yet with some practice punches, the play- students as well, so he has proposed form- upcoming fundraiser, date and location to ers are confi dent in their ability to succeed. ing a badminton club at Malden Catholic. be announced. The funds raised will help John Graf was quoted saying, “I’m excited The club would allow students to be intro- purchase the fi nest armour and lances for by the prospect of trying something new. I duced to the game and even compete in a our beloved Lancers (new uniforms pictured mean, I’ve got a mean left Rook.” The con- competitive league. The road has not been below). If you are interested in joining the ference MC is joining is the best in state, yet club, make sure to att end the next meeting. the MC players still look to have numerous easy for Riley, for in middle school he was championships in the coming years. faced with a devastating injury that severely limited his play. However, Riley did not stop there, for he underwent surgery and was forced to complete strenuous physical therapy, and then he continued to work and eventually regained his status as a player. Nothing could stop the train that was Will Riley; he was knocking off opponents in minutes on the court. From there, Riley ex- MC Chess Team? celled, becoming the number one recruit in the nation, and now he is seriously consid- With all the championships the Malden ering playing for the Broncos. Catholic Chess Team has captured in re- cent years, MIAA authorities have decided DeNisco & Healy To Go D1

Brain Liwo to their potential. Our senior captains have stepped up and provided a great example for the younger kids. We are very grateful for MC’s sup- This year, Malden Catholic’s Varsity Quidditch team port throughout the season, and can’t wait to compete in the state tour- has been breaking every record put before them. Led nament in the coming weeks.” The team will be playing St. John’s Prep by star chaser Fred DeNisco (‘17) and strong beater Troy Healy (‘17) the tomorrow night and begin the playoff s next week. team now boasts a 11-0 record. The two juniors have already accepted D1 scholarships to Dartmouth and MIT respectively. Coach Mr. Ryan Wood (distance relative to Oliver Wood current Puddlemere United re- serve keeper and former Hogwarts Gryffi ndor captain) off ered this com- ment on the team’s success, “Our team had been struggling for the last few years. This season, our team has really come together and played up

Healy and DeNisco showing off their MC college acceptance pennants DeNisco prepping for a shot. Healy readying to hit a bludger APRIL 1, 2016 C RYSTAL 66 SPORTS 10 Sports The National Women’s Hockey League (NWHL) is the continent’s For Malden Catholic Senior, premier professional hockey league for women. The fi rst of its kind, the league recently concluded its inaugural season, with the Boston Pride Next Step Was an Easy Decision winning the Isobel Cup. For Bott icelli, signing with the Pride was a no- Corey Goldstein brainer. Many prolifi c players have laced up for the Lancers in the school’s storied hockey his- tory. Alumni of the hockey program include NHL’ers such as Keith Tkachuk; Hockey East players like Ryan Fitz gerald, Casey Fitz gerald, and Brendan Collier; and even a Collegiate Na- tional Champion in Mike Vecchione. Malden Catholic Senior Nick Bott icelli, with the fl ash- ing of a goal light and a stroke of the pen, has entered into the elite club mentioned above. Bott icelli had this to say of his decision: “It [signing with the Pride] Bott icelli’s overtime goal against St. John’s just felt like the right decision. At the end of the day, I honestly couldn’t Prep lifted the Lancers to their fi fth Super 8 Title in six years. A consistent see myself playing anywhere else next year. The NWHL is a great league, top performer for the Lancer’s, Bott icelli grabbed the att ention of scouts and the Boston Pride are a world class organization. I just can’t wait to all over the area with his postseason production. Malden Catholic Assis- fi nally have a chance to play with the big girls!” tant Hockey Coach and Athletic Director Patrick Driscoll, having grown Head Coach Bobby Jay had this to off er: “We’re really excited to close to Nick over his four years at MC, off ered this when asked about sign a player of Bott icelli’s magnitude. He is a perfect fi t for the league. him: “I’m just super excited that baseball is starting up.” However, Bot- The kid is big, strong, and smart. He is clutch, a natural champion. I ticelli decided to overlook prep school and junior hockey options for an personally think Nick will have a long career in the NWHL. He will un- unprecedented move. Exactly 48 hours after his last game as a Lancer, doubtedly go down as one of the best Nick Bott icelli signed an entry level contract with the Boston Pride of the women’s hockey players in history.” NWHL. Jayne Bott icelli, Nick’s mother, had some fi nal words to say about his decision: “I’m just so proud of my lit- tle Nicholas. We weren’t too surprised when he made his decision. Grow- ing up with three older sisters and no brothers, Nick prett y much got used to only playing with girls. We thought he outgrew it, but it looks like Nick will always be just one of the girls.”

Bott icelli Being Scouted By Boston Pride While Playing for Boston Red Rangers Intramurals: Looking to Join a Club/Team? C. Schneider 365 Day Challenge Club Drag Racing with Sal Who wants a new challenge every month? Club meets January 1st for 15 minutes. Next challenge will be decided in 10 months. Meets every Wednesday in back parking lot at 10:30 PM Casey’s Cosplay Club Crott y’s Karate Ever want to dress up like a superhero or just play with action fi g- Know your “He-yah’s in Spanish and learn from a Master Black ures? This clubs for you! Come to Campus Ministry on Saturdays Belt. Meets in room 110 Tuesdays and Thursdays directly after from 9:00 - 5:00. See Mr. Casey (ussally dressed as Optimus Prime school or Chewbacca...its a hair thing) with questions. Lifting with Janitor John Ruelle Meets every morning at 3:30 - 7:30 AM. Bring a protein shake and Br. Lydon’s Lawn Mower Racing Meets in the Spring afterschool by facility garage. a possitive att itude. Legs day not optional but madatory. Fundraising this Spring for trip to Canada against Western Ontario Outlaws. Fitz gerald’s Speed Walking Club Built for comfort and not speed? Join the club that meets everyday after school for 47 mile walk. Bring aerodynamic onsie Meditation with Ms. Cenca Club meets on the roof of the Learning Commons everyday for sunrise and sunset. Be prepared to snack only on organic tofu and berries.