Heterosexism Within Educational Institutions

Home , Freedom Rings, Real Bad

HETEROSEXISM WITHIN EDUCATIONAL INSTITUTIONS:

COPING EFFORTS OF LESBIAN, GAY, AND

BISEXUAL STUDENTS IN WEST TEXAS

VIRGINIA J. MAHAN, B.A., M.Sp.Ed.

A DISSERTATION

EDUCATIONAL PSYCHOLOGY

Submitted to the Graduate Faculty of Texas Tech University in Partial FulfiUment of the Requirements for the Degree of

DOCTOR OF EDUCATION

Approved

December, 1998 /, Ac f3 7^? z^ ^.3 1 A/^ ^ l'^ C'S

I particularly wish to thank the nine members of the Steering Committee of the Lambda Social Network who served on my advisory panel and offered comments on the first draft of Chapter IV, as well as other external reviewers: Gene Dockins, Lawrence Holbrooks, M. M., Dorinda Ann Ruiz, Virginia, and other anonymous readers. I am grateful to my committee members, Mary Tallent Runnels, Camille DeBell, and Richard Powell, for their support and valuable assistance. My appreciation goes to Terry Ann Andersen, Kathy Lewallen and the rest of the library staff at South Plains College for their assistance, as well as to Fred Logan and Kaaren Mahan for running innumerable errands. I am also grateful to Texas Tech University which provided partial support for this study through a 1998 Summer Research Scholarship Award. Pivotal to this dissertation, of course, are the 14 lesbian and gay college and university students who told their sometimes painful tales so that educators might hear, learn, and know what it is like to be a gay student in Texas. I will forever hear the echoes of their voices. Lastly, thanks to Victor Shea for his courageous letter to the editor and to whom this dissertation is dedicated.

Copyright Permission Grateful acknowledgment is made to the following for permission to reprint previously copyrighted material: Live to Tell

11 by Madonna Ciccone and Pat Leonard, © 1986 WB Music Corp. (ASCAP), Bleu Disque Music Co., Inc (ASCAP), Webo Girl Publishing, Inc. (ASCAP) and Johnny Yuma Music (BMI), all rights reserved, used by permission Warner Bros. Publications U.S. Inc., Miami, FL. 33014.

III TABLE OF CONTENTS

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS i i

ABSTRACT xii

LIST OF TABLES xiv

LIST OF FIGURES xv

CHAPTER

I. INTRODUCTION 1

Background 2 Enactment of Gay-Affirmative Resolutions 3 The Silencing of Gay-Affirmative Faculty 4 Nonsupportive, Even Hostile, School Environments 6 Culture of Fear 6 Isolation and Loneliness 8

Statement of the Problem 9

Purpose 12

Research Goals and Questions 13

Context 15 Texas 16 Demographics 16 Religious and Political Conservatism 16 High Incidence of Hate Crimes 18 Schools 19

Assumptions 21

Research Implications 23

IV Notes 25

II. LITERATURE REVIEW 28

Introduction 28 Stress and Coping: General Considerations 30

Theoretical Underpinnings 33 Symbolic Interaction and Sexual Orientation: Symbols, Meaning, and Interaction 34 Symbols and Meaning 35 Labeling and Symbolic Boundaries 37 Symbolic Annihilation 39 Symbolic Meanings and Psychological Functions 40 Meaning-Making and Coping 41

Conceptualizations of Coping 43 Origins in Ego Psychology 43 The Transactional Model of Coping 45 A Tripartite Process 46 Cognitive Appraisals 46 Emotional Responses 48 Coping Efforts 49 Key Properties of Coping 49 Process-orientation 50 Context Specificity 51 Independence of Coping and Outcome 52 Functions of Coping 54 Problem-focused Coping 55 Emotion-focused Coping 56

Germane LGB Literature 56 Quantitative Studies 57 Stress and Coping in Lesbians 57 Qualitative Studies 59 Lived Experiences of LGB Adolescents 60 Phenomenology 61

Summary 61

Notes 63

III. METHODOLOGY 66

Introduction 66

General Design 66 Rationale and Justification for a Qualitative Study 66 Emphasis on Intersubjectivity 69

Theoretical Perspectives 72 Phenomenology, Intersubjectivity, and Symbolic Interaction 72 Symbolic Interaction and Sexual Orientation 74 Labels, Stigma, Symbolic Boundaries and Meanings 74

Purposive Sampling 76

Generating Data 78 Using Personal Experiences as a Starting Point 80 Locating Experiential Descriptions in Literature, Poetry, and Other Art Forms 81 Tracing Etymological Sources 82 Searching Idiomatic Phrases 82 Obtaining Experiential Descriptions from Participants 83

Data Analysis 84 Isolating Thematic Statements 85 Issues of Representation 86 Creating Individual Maps 88

VI Trustworthiness 90 Credibility 90 Transferability 91 Dependability 93 Confirmability 93

Summary 93

Notes 95

IV. A PHENOMENOLOGICAL ACCOUNT OF THE DAILY SCHOOL

EXPERIENCES OF LGB STUDENTS IN TEXAS 96

Introduction 96

Diversity Among Participants 97

Lived Experiences of LGB Students 99 Elementary School 104 Early Same-Sex Attraction 104 Early Labeling as 'Homosexual' 107 Middle School/Junior High 114 The Emergence of Sexuality 114 Assaults 115 Verbal Harassment 116 High School 119 Verbal Harassment 120 Involuntary Outing 121 Physical Assaults 128 Privacy Concerns Overarching High School and College 132 Institutions of Higher Education 134 Autonomy and Separation 135 On- and Off-Campus Heterosexism 137 Christian: Danger in the 'Safe Zone' 138 Bryan: Gay Bashers and Protesters 144 The Music Department: A Chorus of Conservative Notes 146 VII Heterosexist Professors 147 Rumors of Heterosexism 150 Mark: Hooters, Hockey, and Heterosexism 151 Coming Out: The Never-Ending Story 153 The Assumption of Heterosexuality: A Double-Edged Sword 153 Variability in the Coming Out Process 154 Forced Out by Parents 157 Greater Freedom with Coming Out 161 Miscellaneous Issues Related to Coming Out 162 LGB Student Social Life 163 Unsteady States of LGB Organizations 166 LGB Organizations: Belongingness and Support 170 Bars and Social Clubs 173 Heterosexism at the Cinema: Censorship and Comments 175

Participants' Parting Suggestions 177 Brian 177 Jonathan 178 Kelly 178 Jason 179

Summary 179

Notes 181

V. EMERGENT STRATEGIES FOR COPING WITH HETEROSEXISM WITHIN TEXAS EDUCATIONAL INSTITUTIONS 183

Introduction 183

Coping Efforts of LGB Students 184 Elementary School 185 Junior High and High School 188

VIM Overachievement 189 Social Withdrawal 191 Suicide: Ideation and Attempts 195 Christian: "Live to Tell" 195 Jason 197 Kelly 199 The Internet: Relief for Isolation and Loneliness 201 Membership in Fringe Groups 202 The Occult 202 The New-Wavers 205 Dropping Out 206 Jason: Truancy Prior to Dropping Out 206 Christian: "1 hit a breaking point" 208 Assertiveness 209 "Ignore It": Ineffective Advice 209 "Stand Up for Yourself" 210 Self-Defense 211 Coping Efforts Overarching High School and College 212 Consulting a Counselor 212 Jason: From "Intimidated" to "Loving it" 213 The Pride Stage 215 Religion: A Double-Edged Sword 218

Summary 221

Notes 223

DISCUSSION AND IMPLICATIONS 225

Introduction 225

Suggestions for Texas Educational Institutions 226 Kindergarten Through 12th Grade 228 The Early Marginalization of LGB Children 228

IX Nonrepresentation in Teacher and Counselor Education Programs 229 Failure to Provide Judgment-free Information 231 Identification of Gender Traitors and Gender Role Gatekeeping 232 Physically/Psychologically Unsafe Environments 237 Bias in Curriculum and Instruction 240 Alienation and the LGB Student 242 Summary of K-12 in Reference to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs 244 Higher Education 245 Academic Oppression and Stifled Expression 245

Coping 248 The Construction, Maintenance, and Transformation of Coping Stategies Over Time 249 Unproductive versus Productive Coping Strategies 250 Ignoring 250 Social Withdrawal 252 Suicide 253 Pride 255

Summary and Conclusion 257 Educators: How Will They Hear? When Will They Learn? How Will They Know? 258

Notes 262

REFERENCES 263

APPENDIX

A. GLOSSARY 285

B. MY SUBJECTIVITY 292 C. INFORMED CONSENT FORM 299

D. INSTITUTIONAL REVIEW BOARD (IRB) APPROVAL FORM 301

E. LETTER OF RECRUITMENT 303

F. PERMISSION TO USE COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL 305

G. PARTICIPANT MAPS OF STRESSORS, FEELINGS, AND COPING EFFORTS 307

XI ABSTRACT

This investigation illuminates the lived experiences of self- identified lesbian, gay, and bisexual (LGB/lesbigay) college students in West Texas, particularly with regard to heterosexism within educational institutions. In addition, this work explores the strategies participants used to cope with the heterosexism they encountered in their daily interactions with others, as well as how these strategies were constructed, maintained, and internally revised over time. Accounts of participants' lived experiences indicate that from the elementary to the university levels, the Texas educational institutions in this investigation contributed, both actively and passively, to their many psychosocial stressors, as well as their marginalization. Some Texas educators were either unaware of or chose not to abide by the gay-affirmative philosophies of various professional organizations in education, failing both to provide equity with regard to sexual orientation and to establish a gay- affirmative environment devoid of physical and verbal harassment. For example, early in their school careers, a number of participants were punished and labeled as homosexual because they engaged in what educators and fellow classmates considered to be inappropriate gender behavior, particularly non-normative play. Having been labeled as homosexual, these participants were nonetheless unable to obtain judgment-free and accurate

XII information regarding lesbigays from either parents or school personnel. By allowing epithets to be used for homosexuality while otherwise disallowing profanity and racism, school personnel not only tacitly condoned marginalization of lesbigays, but failed to furnish a gay-affirmative environment. Moreover, participants experienced a diminished sense of security and faced persistent danger to their physical and/or psychological safety. According to participants, only rarely did Texas educators intervene when, as frequently occurred, LGB students were targeted for verbal and physical harassment. In response to the aforementioned psychosocial stressors, participants reported a wide variety of coping efforts, both adaptive and maladaptive. Behavioral strategies targeting the problem situation far outnumbered emotion-focused coping. While many coping efforts were idiosyncratic, five or more participants reported assertiveness, counseling, cultural inversion/pride, direct action, social support, and use of the Internet as helpful. Moreover, ignoring, social withdrawal, and suicide attempts were each considered detrimental by four participants.

XIII LIST OF TABLES

3.1 Expanded participant description of the sample 79 4.1 Summary of stressors reported by LGB participants 100 4.2 Summary of feelings reported by LGB participants 102 5.1 Summary of the coping strategies of LGB participants 186

XIV LIST OF FIGURES

3.1 A Methodological Outline for van Manen's Approach to Phenomenology 71

3.2 A Participant Map of Stressors, Emotional States/ Feelings, and Coping Responses 89

4.1 The 'Safe Zone' Sign 140

4.2 The 'Unsafe Zone' Sign 143

6.1 Questions that Require Self-reflection in Faculty who Prepare Teachers and Counselors 260

G.l Andrew's Map of Stressors, Emotional States/Feelings, and Coping Responses 308

G.2 Barbara's Map of Stressors, Emotional States/Feelings, and Coping Responses 309

G.3 Brian's Map of Stressors, Emotional States/Feelings, and Coping Responses 310

G.4 Bryan's Map of Stressors, Emotional States/Feelings, and Coping Responses 311

G.5 Christian's Map of Stressors, Emotional States/Feelings, and Coping Responses 312

G.6 Corey's Map of Stressors, Emotional States/Feelings, and Coping Responses 313

XV G.7 Daniel's Map of Stressors, Emotional States/Feelings, and Coping Responses 314

G.8 Jason's Map of Stressors, Emotional States/Feelings, and Coping Responses 315

G.9 Jonathan's Map of Stressors, Emotional States/Feelings, and Coping Responses 316

G.IO Julian's Map of Stressors, Emotional States/Feelings, and Coping Responses 317

G.11 Kelly's Map of Stressors, Emotional States/Feelings, and Coping Responses 318

G.l2 Molly's Map of Stressors, Emotional States/Feelings, and Coping Responses 319

G.l 3 Mark's Map of Stressors, Emotional States/Feelings, and Coping Responses 320

G.l4 Nigel's Map of Stressors, Emotional States/Feelings, and Coping Responses 321

XVI CHAPTER I INTRODUCTION

As defined by Herek (1992b, p. 89), heterosexism is "an Ideological system that denies, denigrates, and stigmatizes any nonheterosexual form of behavior, identity, relationship, or community."! Heterosexism begins at the outset of life: babies are immediately assumed to be and treated as heterosexual from birth (Gross, 1991). A systematic set of cultural and institutional arrangements are grounded in this presumption of universal heterosexuality. Persons receive rewards and privileges for being or appearing to be heterosexual and are subject to punishments or deprived of privilege for being or appearing to be nonheterosexual (Friend, 1993). The intent of this research was to explore heterosexism within Texas educational institutions.2 Accordingly, this dissertation first illuminates the lived experiences of 14 lesbian, gay, and bisexual (LGB) students in West Texas, particularly with regard to the various stresses of living in a heterosexist society in general and functioning in nonsupportive educational institutions in particular. Second, this work highlights the strategies these LGB students used to cope with the heterosexism they encountered in their daily interactions with others. Background Lesbian, gay, and bisexual individuals (lesbigays)3 are to a large extent an invisible minoritv in academia (Evans & Wall, 1991; Herek, 1995), not only remaining invisible to the dominant heterosexual group, but to other lesbigays as well.4 Thus, LGB students exist in a society that largely silences their voices, ignores their experiences, and marginalizes their reality (Unks, 1995).5 With regard to homosexuality, schools acquire "a sort of perverse security from not talking about it, denying it and persecuting it—as if this strange combination of uncomfortable silence and selective rage would make it go away" (Unks, 1995, p. 11). Typically, denial of homosexuality pervades our high schools and colleges, ranging from denial of the existence of lesbigays in the student body and on the faculty to the denial of LGB accomplishments by their exclusion from the curricula (Evans & Wall, 1991; Unks, 1995). Referring to the failure to mention homosexuality within the standard school curriculum, Unks (1995) argued that gays and lesbians are "nonpersons" (p. 5): "They have fought no battles, held no offices, explored nowhere, written no literature, built nothing, invented nothing and solved no equations. Ironically they were neither Greeks nor Romans, and they did not write poetry, compose music, paint, or sculpt" (p. 5). As a result of this omission, heterosexual students are left to believe that gays and lesbians have made no significant historical contributions, while gays and lesbians receive the message that similar others have achieved little of consequence.

Enactment of Gay-Affirmative Resolutions Aware of the aforementioned void in the school curricula, in 1990 the Association for Supervision and Curriculum Development (ASCD) enacted a resolution with regard to student sexual orientation (Besner & Spungin, 1995). Acknowledging that some students suffer discrimination and harassment due to their sexual orientation, the resolution advocates support of policies and programs that foster equity. Moreover, it invites members to develop policies, instructional strategies, and curriculum materials that are nondiscriminatory with respect to sexual orientation. In addition, the ASCD recommends that schools provide materials and staff training in order that educators can better serve this at-risk student population. Lastly, ASCD members are urged to collaborate with other professional organizations to achieve these goals. In like manner, the American School Health Association (Telljohann & Price, 1993) passed a resolution in the same year urging the inclusion of sexual orientation as an integral component of a comprehensive health education curriculum. During its annual national conference in 1974, the National Education Association (NEA) revised its statement of nondiscrimination to include a "sexual preference" clause for equal protection (1974, p. 252). Moreover, In 1988 the NEA adopted a resolution that all individuals should be afforded equal opportunity within the public education system, sexual orientation notwithstanding. The NEA (1994) recommends that school district policies and programs recognize that lesbian, gay, and bisexual students should be accorded "the right to attend schools where education, not survival, is a priority" (cited in Besner & Spungin, 1995, p. 99). Among other rights recommended by the NEA are the right: (a) to respect and dignity; (b) to freedom from verbal and physical harassment; (c) to be exposed to positive role models in the curriculum, as well as In person; (d) to obtain judgment-free and accurate information about gays; and (e) to a gay-affirmative environment, replete with personnel trained with regard to gay issues (cited in Besner & Spungin, 1995). Despite advocacy by the aforementioned professional organizations, a scant number of schools across the nation have implemented these measures. My previous findings from a small pilot study with regard to the lived experiences of LGB college students in Texas indicated that the aforementioned gay-affirmative resolutions have had little impact on the treatment of LGB students in some high schools and colleges in this state (Mahan, 1997).

The Silencing of Gay-Affirmative Faculty Not only does silence surround gay and lesbian students, but faculty are effectively censored when they publicly affirm lesbigays. Heterosexual teachers who are empathetic to their LGB students and who openly champion gay rights may themselves be denounced as gay. Gay faculty who are out risk accusations of 'recruiting' students to the gay lifestyle. Thus, a limited number of faculty are available to provide support or serve as role models for LGB students. In addition to censorship of this kind, educational researchers are effectively silenced. O'Conor (1995) observed that educational researchers only rarely publish work in the area of homosexuality and then only after they are tenured. In the acknowledgements of his book entitled, American Gav. sociologist Stephen Murray (1996) described his profoundly unpleasant experiences of occupational marginality as a result of conducting gay research, which he found to be more stigmatizing than being openly gay. In a similar vein, O'Conor (1995) maintained, "While we might not think of ourselves as rebels or outlaws, the topic places us both on the margins of academia and in the center of the firestorm of debate about teenagers, sexuality, and schooling" (pp. 14-15). Harbeck (1992) also observed: All too often, both the scholars who might have undertaken such studies and the potential participants in that research have been dissuaded by threats to their tenure, promotion, reputation, and personal safety . . . Even these [heterosexual] scholars spoke of the hardships they had endured once this research had been published ... (p. 2)

Hence, homosexuality, heterosexism, and homophobia in the educational system are a potentially incendiary combination for formal research (O'Conor, 1995). As a consequence, acknowledging the reality of LGB students and mainstreaming this marginalized group entails considerable risk for the LGB student and social researcher alike. Yet, as Lorde (1984) admonished, "If we wait until we are not afraid to speak, we will be speaking from our graves" (p. 4). To paraphrase the PBS slogan, "If empathetic educators don't do it, who will?" Following Murray's suggestion (1996), with this study my participants and I have collaboratively attempted to place a "message in a bottle" (p. 279) to educators who are interested in LGB students' actual lived experiences, rather than how they appear in the media, particularly on television or the movie screen. Allowing lesbian, bisexual, and gay students to tell in their own voices about their lived experiences within the educational system is certainly in keeping with the aforementioned resolutions of various professional organizations. Unfortunately, LGB students' tales often involve experiences with nonsupportive, even hostile, educational environments (e.g., see Herek, 1993a; Woog, 1995).

Nonsupportive School Environments Culture of Fear In addition to their marginalization in both the curricula and research, lesbigays encounter further stress in schools which, replete with institutionalized heterosexism and homophobia, may produce a culture of fear (McLaren, 1995). LGB students are subjected, sometimes daily, to disparaging talk and jokes about gays. According to research commissioned by the American Association of University Women, anti-gay aspersions are the most frequent, as well as the most dreaded, form of verbal harassment (Louis Harris & Associates, 1993). Suspected gay students endure what is often daily oppression: bullying, threats of violence, verbal harassment, vandalism, and physical assaults (Besner & Spungin, 1995). Not only is violence against lesbigays apparently escalating (Herek & Berrill, 1992), but individuals who are more visibly lesbigay are at greater risk (Harry, 1990). Consequently, lesbigays may "cower in the classroom closet, afraid to come out because they fear negative repercussions, both real and perceived" (Woog, 1995, p. 373). Teachers and other school personnel may tacitly condone maltreatment of gay students due to anything from their own individual psychological heterosexism to bureaucratic/ administrative disapprobation and fear of reprisals. Moreover, school personnel may unwittingly reinforce myths and stereotypes with regard to lesbigays if they do not speak out when students make denigrating remarks about these individuals. According to Kielwasser and Wolf (1994), the classroom is "a battlefield that even the [heterosexuall allies of lesbians and gays would prefer to avoid" (p. 61). Discussions on how to provide a safer, more supportive environment for LGB students may be considered inappropriate, because, according to some, homosexuality is a 'moral issue' and 'too controversial' (Pohan & Bailey, 1998). However, Pohan and Bailey (1998) admonished that not only are 8

concerns for human rights invariably controversial, but it assuredly is a moral issue when students are systematically denied information and resources, representation in the curricula, and dignity and support in a safe environment.

Isolation and Loneliness The U.S. Bureau of Census (1992) estimates that there are as many as 7.2 million gay and lesbian Americans under the age of 20. Despite these sizeable numbers, 80% report severe isolation (Factfile. 1992; Gibson, 1989) and feelings of profound loneliness (Gibson, 1989; Heron, 1994). Lesbigays may also experience a particularly pronounced sense of isolation at school, which is typically the hub of adolescent and young adult social life and culture. Indeed, with its academic, athletic, social, and vocational functions, school serves as "the central organizing experience in most adolescents' lives" (Papalia & Olds, 1995, p. 368). Yet, heterocentrism prevails in schools, which encourage LGB students to establish intimate relationships with persons of the opposite sex to whom they are not erotically attracted, what Savin-Williams (1994) has referred to as "dating those you can't love and loving those you can't date" ( p. 196). In summary, lesbigays in academia comprise a culturally enforced minority group. Significant marginalization of gay and lesbian students occurs due to the paucity of viable support groups, dearth of role models, and typical exclusion of any mention of homosexuality from the curricula. This group is further ignored and marginalized by institutions that encourage the withholding of support for germane research on lesbigay experiences and issues. Moreover, LGB students often encounter a nonsupportive, heterocentric, often hostile, school environment and consequently feel compelled to conceal their nonheterosexual Identity in order to avoid verbal and/or physical abuse. Facing many challenges during their school years, LGB students are largely left on their own to establish an identity, to find similar others, to create a sense of community, to gain acceptance, and to cope with the aforementioned heterosexism.

Statement of the Problem Membership in this oft invisible minority group of lesbigays and the concomitant burden of hiding one's true identity exacts a heavy toll evidenced In an extensive array of psychosocial problems (Evans & Wall, 1991; Herek, 1995). Researchers have discussed the deleterious effects of heterosexism, heterocentrism, and both institutional and internalized homophobia upon lesbigays. LGB students are highly represented among school dropouts and runaways (Rotheram-Borus, Rosario, & Koopman, 1991; Savin-Williams, 1994), as well as low academic achievers (Besner & Spungin, 1995). Yet, some researchers suggest that many gay and lesbians may assume an overachiever mode (Hancock, 1995; LeVay & Nonas, 1995), using athletic and scholastic accomplishments to deflect attention from 10

their sexual-orientation. The psychosocial stressors, risk factors, and/or psychopathology in lesbigays Include chronic depression (Gibson, 1989), "having to survive on their own prematurely" (Gibson, 1989, p. 110), parental rejection (Factfile. 1992; Gibson, 1989), prostitution (Coleman, 1989; Savin-Williams, 1994), school failure (Gibson, 1989), substance abuse (Besner & Spungin, 1995; Gibson, 1989; Hughes & Wilsnack, 1997; McKlrnan & Peterson, 1988, 1989), and suicide (Besner & Spungin, 1995; Gibson, 1989; Remafedi, 1994; Remafedi, Farrow, & Deisher, 1991). Regarding the latter, the American Association of Physicians for Human Rights (1993) presented a public service announcement that read: "30 percent of all teen suicides in the U.S. occur among gay and lesbian youth, a loss of 1 5,000 lives each year" (see also U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 1989). The complexity of these psychosocial problems may be illustrated with just one example. McKlrnan and Peterson (1988) reported that the more stress gay men experience, the more apt they are to use alcohol and drugs. The use of alcohol and social support (i.e., various kinds of assistance and succor provided by an individual's social network) are both considered behavioral coping strategies in response to stressors (Stone, Lennox, & Neale, 1985; Thoits, 1991a, 1991b). Due to societal discrimination, bars and social clubs serve an important function in the gay and lesbian subculture in that they are the few places where lesbigays can socialize openly and establish a social network. Hence, not only 11 does the stress of discrimination increase the likelihood of alcoholism in gays, but they are "driven into social support settings where alcohol is readily available and its use encouraged" (Smith, 1993, p. 217). Consequently, researchers estimate that lesbigays may be three times more likely than heterosexuals to be alcoholic (Schaefer, Evans, & Coleman, 1987). Further exacerbating the difficulties surrounding alcohol use/abuse, suicide, which is correlated with alcohol abuse, is estimated to occur three times more often in lesbigays than in heterosexuals (Remafedi, 1994). The high incidence of alcohol use and abuse may reflect efforts to cope with stressful life experiences and the concomitant emotional distress (Aneshensel & Gore, 1991). Despite the richness of theoretical perspectives and content in studies of coping, there is a notable void in research into the coping responses employed by LGB students. Just how LGB students manage stressful encounters, particularly those unique to these groups such as verbal harassment, threats of violence, and physical assaults due to homophobia, remains to be clarified. In an examination of major texts (e.g., Cummings, Greene, & Karraker, 1991; Eckenrode, 1991) and journal articles published over the last decade, coping in lesbigays has been studied almost exclusively in reference to persons with HIV/AIDS (e.g., Mulder, Antoni, Duivenvoorden, & Kauffmann, 1995; Pakenham, Dadds, & Terry, 1994; Vedhara & Nott, 1997; Wagner, Brondolo, & Rabkin, 1996 ).6 Coping in noninfected lesbigays, particularly students, remains largely 12 unexplored. Yet, according to D'Augelli (1992), lesbigay students utilize a great deal of psychological energy in coping with concerns about being labeled as deviant, as well as with their own internalized homophobia. Additionally, they may devote considerable social energies to vigilance to avoid disclosure or exposure of their affectional-erotic orientation (D'Augelli, 1992). As one of the interviewees In the documentary film Paris is Burning (Livingston, 1991) explained, "When you are gay you monitor everything you do- how you look, how you dress, how you talk, how you act"; you may strive to "look as much as possible as your straight counterpart" and "pass the untrained eye or even the trained eye," endeavoring to conceal affectional-erotic orientation (Livingston, 1991). Cicchetti and Toth (1997), who studied maltreated children manifesting a high degree of vigilance, conjectured that "hypervigilance and quick assimilation of aggressive stimuli may develop originally as an adaptive coping strategy in the maltreating environment" (p. 327). Not only has little been written as to lesbigays' use of vigilance as a strategy to cope with a hostile school environment, but attention to the coping responses of LGB students in general has been negligible.

Purpose The purpose of this study is twofold: (a) to illuminate the lived experiences of LGB students in Texas, particularly with regard to the various stresses of living In a heterocentric, heterosexist, and homophobic society in general (Herek, 1991, 1992a, 1992b) and 13 functioning in nonsupportive, even hostile, educational institutions in particular (e.g., see Herek, 1993a; Woog, 1995); and (b) to explore the strategies LGB students use to cope with the heterocentrism, heterosexism, and stigmatlzatlon they encounter in their dally interactions with others.

Research Goals and Questions Consistent with the above purpose, this study has two goals. One goal is to obtain a direct account of LGB students' personal school experiences as they have lived through them, without causative explication or interpretive generalizations (van Manen, 1984). That is, this study first seeks to understand the nature of the daily school experiences of lesbigays in West Texas, and its bordering cities, focusing in particular on the heterocentrism, heterosexism, and homophobia they encounter. After interviewing educators and counselors regarding their views about gay students, Sears (1992) reported that, due to organization resolutions and their professional licensure, these professionals are aware that they have an ethical responsibility to provide services for lesbigay youth. Yet, they are generally blind to the everyday experiences of LGB students, only minimally aware of perspectives other than the heterocentrism and heterosexism of the dominant culture, and afraid that if they act in a gay-affirmative manner, there will be personal repercussions (e.g., colleagues and administrators will label them as gay, they will lose jobs, etc.) (Harbeck, 1995). As educators are largely ignorant regarding the daily lived experiences of LGB students, their personal 14 perspectives, and the marginalization lesbigays experience, the first research question for this study is: 1. What are the lived experiences of lesbian, gay, and bisexual students, particularly with regard to the heterocentrism and heterosexism they encounter within Texas educational institutions? A second goal of the study is to determine how LGB students cope with being relegated to an invisible, silenced, and marginalized minority status within educational institutions in Texas. Moreover, this study seeks to investigate how creative coping strategies serve to reduce, minimize, master, tolerate, or otherwise transform the impact of the aforementioned individual, cultural, and institutional heterosexism. How these coping strategies change over time, if at all, remains to be clarified. Whether the coping strategies that an LGB student uses to deal with heterocentrism, heterosexism, and stigmatlzatlon during junior high or high school remain the same or are different in nature than those employed during, for example, college or as an older, nontraditional student has been little explored. For instance, a lesbigay, who while in high school attempted suicide as a means of coping with stress, may in college years directly confront the heterosexism via gay activism. Whereas some coping theorists hold that the core aspects of personality, and ergo coping style, remain relatively constant over the life span, with specific modes of coping consolidating into trait-like patterns of responding to stressful situations, others hypothesize age related change (Rook, Dooley, & Catalano, 1991). The latter 15 theorists have suggested that with greater experience with stress and coping, as well as observation of others' coping efforts over the years, individuals build up an internal stockpile that can be tapped when they must cope with subsequent adversities (Rook et al., 1991). As a consequence, coping skills may improve with age. In addition, noxious life circumstances (e.g., the Great Depression, death of a parent, or the stigmatlzatlon of homosexuality) may even serve as a kind of apprenticeship for learning to cope with subsequent losses and challenges, providing a kind of "inoculation" effect (Eysenck, 1983). The second research question, then, is: 2. How are coping strategies constructed, maintained, and transformed over time, if at all? Having, in the first section of this chapter, considered the marginalization of lesglgays within educational institutions and the need to explore how lesbigays cope with nonsupportive, sometimes hostile, school environments, as well as the research questions that will guide this inquiry, I turn next to the context of the investigation.

Context Pronger (1992) has argued that "the experience of being gay is a matter of context, that is, of understanding oneself in the light of socially constructed sexual and gender categories" (p. 42). Both the polity and religious institutions have played a role in maintaining these gender and sexual dichotomies (i.e., male/female and 16

heterosexual/homosexual) in Texas as well as in other parts of the nation. As I intend to illuminate the stressors that LGB students encounter within the Texas educational system due to heterosexism, an understanding of the state's normative nature is essential.

Texas Demographics Texas, the second largest state with regard to geographical size and population, has, in addition to its multiform geography, a considerably diverse population (Texas, 1996). In comparison to the U.S. population in 1990 which was 76 percent Anglo, 12 percent African American, and 9 percent Hispanic American, Texas was 60 percent Anglo, 11 percent African American, and 26 percent Hispanic American (Haag, Peebles, & Keith, 1997). Moreover, the Institute of Texan Cultures currently recognizes 26 ethnic groups (Haag, Peebles, & Keith, 1997). These demographics are of particular note because various admixtures of minority statuses, resulting in multiple layers of diversity and concomitant oppressions, are more likely to be found in lesbigays in Texas than may be typical elsewhere in the nation.

Religious and Political Conservatism Many writers have discussed our nation's increasing conservatism, both politically and with regard to lifestyle experimentation (e.g., Apple, 1993; Gallagher & Bull, 1996; Murray, 17

1996). Texas is both religiously and politically conservative. In reference to homosexuality, Richard Land, the executive director of the Christian Life Commission of the Southern Baptist Convention, proclaimed that among evangelicals "there is greater unanimity than even on the abortion issue" (cited in Gallagher & Bull, 1996, p. 68). Indeed, in Texas, religious and political leaders have frequently united in the battle against their common foe: homosexuality. For example, in 1 992 in Harris County, Texas, a county that contains Houston, the Republican Party alleged that homosexuality "leads to the breakdown of the family and the spread of deadly diseases" (cited in Gallagher & Bull, 1996, p. 79). In 1993 the Christian Right, which has vehemently endeavored to quash the increased visibility of those with 'alternative lifestyles,' masterminded the election of Stephen Hodge to chairmanship of the advisory committee of the Republican Party in Harris County (LeVay & Nonas, 1995). Hodge has publicly supported the death penalty for homosexuality. Moreover, Texas remains among the minority of states that has retained its sodomy statute. Ruled unconstitutional in 1990 by a lower court, the Texas sodomy statute was reinstated by the Texas Supreme Court in 1994 after a protracted legal battle. Williamson County and Apple Computer Incorporated. Gallagher and Bull (1996) cited Williamson County, Texas, as unequaled In its politicians' willingness to make a statement about homosexuality at the expense of its taxpayers. For a long time, Texas had courted high-tech enterprises from Silicon Valley by promising a reduction 18

in taxes and operating costs. In the autumn of 1993, Apple Computer Incorporated proposed an $80 million, 130-acre building complex just outside of Austin which was to initially hire 700 full-time employees. A county study estimated that ultimately the company would employ as many as 4500 workers who would pour $300 million into the local economy. However, when the corporation requested a $750,000 tax break, the Williamson County Commission voted in opposition, due to Apple's corporate policy of granting domestic-partnership benefits, "the next step beyond a nondiscrimination policy," to lesbian and gay couples (Gallagher & Bull, 1996, p. 190). Several commissioners were vehemently opposed to the domestic-partnership policies, fearing that they would be detrimental and destructive to families.7 Of further interest to this study, conservative Christians also assumed control of the school board in Williamson County and dismissed the school superintendent for disallowing prayer, in spite of the fact that students' test scores increased during his administration (Gallagher & Bull, 1996). The above examples merely serve to underscore the current political and religious climate exerting influence on the Texas educational institutions and consequently impacting gay, lesbian, and bisexual students.

High Incidence of Hate Crimes Correlated with this religious and political conservatism, Texas is alleged to have a high incidence of hate crimes. The Texas 19

Hate Crimes Act is vague, makes no specific mention of sexual orientation, and relies on local law enforcement agencies to voluntarily report, summarize, and statistically analyze hate crime offenses (Texas Department of Public Safety, 1993). In other words, reporting of such crimes Is not mandated and thus largely ignored. One article from a newsletter of a lesbian/gay alliance in West Texas reported a recent rash of hate crime against both person (e.g., being shot at and physical assaulted) and personal property (e.g., tire slashings, windshields broken, and windows shot out) (Lubbock News, 1997). Because the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) may investigate hate crimes, the article stressed the importance of insisting that a police report be filed as such. Moreover, the article provided Its readers with safety tips to avoid becoming a target for hate crimes.

Schools Texas' general position with regard to homosexuality is no secret to those outside the state. After discussing the positive changes in the curriculum and the advances made by outed lesbian and gay students, teachers, coaches and administrators elsewhere in the United States, journalist Dan Woog In his book School's Out nonetheless admonished his readers, ". . . remember that In some parts of America, the Dark Ages are not just ancient history. They're real life" (1995, p. 116). Unfortunately, Woog's words, used to introduce a chapter entitled "Alone In the Lone Star State," are 20

reflective of the experiences of many gays and lesbians across Texas, due to Its political and religious conservatism. Texas Institutions of Higher Education. Sherrill and Hardesty (1994) surveyed LGB students at a number of Texas institutions of higher education (i.e.. Rice University; Texas A&M; Texas Tech University; and University of Texas, Austin). Respondents reported that the position on LGB Issues at these universities ranged from negative to, at best, noncommittal. While half of these schools had included sexual orientation in their nondiscrimination policy, none had established a committee on LGB issues. Moreover, respondents at all four institutions unanimously reported that homophobia constituted a serious problem on their respective campuses. This suggests that LGB college students are likely to be functioning in school environments that are at best neutral with regard to their affectional-erotic orientation.8 Moreover, as in Rhoads' (1995) study at Penn State, the geographic region that surrounds the campuses in this inquiry are both rural and conservative, which magnifies the marginality of lesbigays. This chapter concludes with a discussion of the assumptions which framed this investigation, as well as their research implications.

Assumptions As is discussed in Chapters II and III, phenomenology and symbolic interaction were chosen as the dual theoretical 21 underpinnings of this study to examine the meaning structures of LGB lived experiences within a world of others (Prus, 1997). In taking this approach to the study of coping in LGB students, I understand their lived experiences to be "intersubiective, [multi]perspectival, reflective, action-oriented, negotiable, relational, and processual" {Prus, 1997, p. 198). Hence, the research methodologies of Denzin (1984), van Manen (1984), and Prus (1996; 1997) served as guides. A social phenomenological approach to "what it means to be In the world as" an LGB child, adolescent, or adult in general, and as a LGB student in particular, must take "Into account the sociocultural and historical traditions which have given meaning" to lesbigays' "ways of being in the world" (van Manen, 1984, p. 38). Affectional-erotic orientation can be understood only within the social milieu in which the lesbigay is situated at a particular historical moment (Garnets & Kimmel, 1993). For example, with the greater visibility of lesbigays, along with their increasing acceptance, backlash is inevitable (Ettelbrick, 1995). Consequently, sociocultural and historical factors both on and off the campus are in a continual state of flux, factors which, in turn. Impact LGB students' lived experiences. Besides considering the sociocultural and historical situatedness of LGB students, a phenomenological study of the educational experiences of LGB students would strive to "understand the pressures of the meaning structures which have come to restrict, widen, or question the nature and ground" of homosexuality 22

(van Manen, 1984, p. 38). Hence, the following assumptions are in order: 1. Each LGB student knows the world only as he or she experiences it. Multiple perspectives and conflicting interpretations of reality will thus exist among the participants. 2. Experiencing the world in an intersubjective manner, LGB students are active, reflective agents who "create reality and their lived experience as they reflect on, interact with, and respond to others" (Prus, 1996, p. xii). In other words, LGB students create the world of experience In which they live, including how they cope with heterocentrism, heterosexism, and homophobia. Since LGB history is generally not passed on through education or family traditions, few road maps exist and each LGB student may be more free to individually create reality, which may lead to greater "normative creativity" (Garnets & Kimmel, 1993, p. 7) or "creative coping" (D'Augelli, 1992, p. 215). 3. Because Individuals interact within society, the meanings of terms such as 'bisexual.' 'heterosexual,' 'homosexual.' 'faggot,' and 'gueer' are "found in the meanings persons bring to these categories of experience" (Denzin, 1992, p. 32). Having been socialized regarding cultural norms and values [i.e., symbols (Blumer, 1994)],9 LGB students have been exposed, at least to some extent, to negative attitudes about lesbigays and homosexuality from society. In turn, lesbigays carry their own meanings to these societal teachings, which may: (a) restrict them, as in denial, self- 23 hatred, or internalized homophobia; (b) cause them to question the nature and basis for heterocentrism, heterosexism, and homophobia; or (c) challenge them to establish new meanings, as in gay pride. 4. LGB students are a heterogeneous group, yet they encounter similar social pressures (e.g., heterocentrism, heterosexism, and stigmatlzatlon) which provide some unity to their psychosocial experiences and consequently to their coping strategies (Gonsiorek, 1993). Indeed, while recognizing the diversity of LGB voices, Stewart (1995) noted "the commonality of oppression at the hands of heterosoc" (p. v), which refers to "the coercive methods that society uses to force people Into heterosexuality and to suppress those that refuse" (p. 117).

Research Implications These assumptions carry important research implications. As a consequence, full consideration must be given to (a) language as the means by which society develops and communicates symbols during interactions, as well as the medium for meaning-making in response to these symbols; (b) the multiple perspectives of the heterogeneous group of LGB students; (c) the interpretations or meanings that these students attach to themselves, others, and society with regard to heterocentrism, heterosexism, and stigmatlzatlon; (d) the ways in which LGB students creatively cope with heterocentrism, heterosexism, and homophobia within educational Institutions; (e) the efforts LGB students make to 24 influence, accommodate, and/or resist heterocentrism, heterosexism, and homophobia; and (f) the processes, "natural histories or sequences of encounters, exchanges, and events" that LGB students experience (Prus, 1997, p. 199). 25

Notes

1 Underlined words and phrases can be found in the Appendix A, Glossary, where, in addition to definitions, germane information is provided.

2Following the work of Peshkin (1988, 1991), Appendix B addresses my own subjectivity In this investigation of heterosexism within Texas educational institutions and how I am situated in the "subjective underbrush" of my own research experience (1991, p. 293).

3The American Psychological Association (APA, 1994) prefers the phrase "lesbians, gay men, and bisexual women and men" (p. 51). However, in the interest of brevity and where applicable, I will employ either the acronym LGB for lesbian, gay, and bisexual as is common in the literature or borrow from Murray (1996), who employed the abbreviation "lesbigay''^. which denotes either 'lesbian and gay' or 'lesbian, bisexual, and gay' [lesbian + (bjsexual) + gay = lesbigay] (p. 1).

^Sexual orientation is not visibly identifiable as is, for example, gender or race. Herek (1991) has noted that lesbigays may be considered a minority group because they manifest four important criteria by which minority groups are defined: lesbigays (a) are a subordinate group within a greater complex dominant state society; (b) manifest attributes which are held in low esteem by the dominant group; (c) "are self-consciously bound together as a community by virtue of these characteristics" (p. 63); and (d) are afforded differential treatment, including assault, discrimination, and victimization, as a consequence of their characteristics. Herek (1991) further noted that lesbigays may be considered a religious minority group due to their frequent persecution based on the dominant majority's religious convictions. Moreover, lesbigays may be regarded as members of a political minority. When considering Gay Law Students Association v. Pacific Telephone and Telegraph in 1979, the California Supreme Court conceded that the LGB civil 26 rights struggle should be recognized as political activity and ruled that discrimination against persons who are openly gay constitutes illegal discrimination based on political activity (Herek, 1991).

5For an excellent discussion of how lesbigays are effectively marginalized and rendered voiceless, invisible, and silent, refer to Tierney (1996).

eUsing the descriptors 'coping' and 'homosexuality' to search PsychLit, I found that of the 79 articles published since 1990, approximately 87.5% considered coping in reference to HIV/AIDS. The remaining articles covered miscellaneous topics such as coping in children of gay parents, elderly gay individuals, and therapists who are grappling with countertransference in counseling gay clients. [Much to my chagrin, two of these 79 articles were published in journals entitled Deviant Behavior (Edwards. 1996) and Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease (Lackner, Joseph, & Ostrow, 1993), despite the American Psychiatric Association (1994) having long since dropped homosexuality as a psychological disorder as noted in the text of this paper. Also of note is that while the title of Edwards' (1996) article implied that his study investigated coping, it was nonetheless unrelated to the body of literature in the field of stress and coping and thus proved to be a disappointment.] Hence, a dearth of literature exists regarding how healthy gay students cope with external and internal homophobia, heterocentrism, and heterosexism.

7WhiIe only a few companies offered these domestic- partnership benefits, which was on the cutting edge of nondiscrimination, Apple was not the first (Gallagher & Bull, 1996). Lotus inaugurated the trend and employers such as Microsoft, Levi Strauss, and Yale University followed "on the principle that equal work deserved equal compensation, including equal benefits" (Gallagher & Bull, 1996, p. 191). By offering domestic-partnership benefits, these corporations sought to recruit talented employees. 27

8Whereas sexual orientation, "the match between one's sex and the sex of one's (desired or actual) sexual partners" (Howard & Hollander, 1997, p. 18), Is the term generally employed, throughout this study I prefer to employ affectional-erotic orientation in lieu of sexual orientation. The term affectional-erotic orientation takes into account people who cannot be easily classified such as those individuals who are attracted to people of the same sex, yet maintain heterosexual relationships; or those who have same-sex affectional-erotic fantasies, yet remain virgins. Thus, the term affectional-erotic orientation takes into account same-sex attractions, fantasies, identities, activities, etc.

9Cultural norms include prescriptions [you will {be heterosexual)], proscriptions [yot; won't (be homosexual)], and permissions [you may (enter into a heterosexual marriage)] (E. Curry, personal communication, 1997). Heterosexism produces certain societal or group norms indicating the way that heterosexuals ought to relate to or treat LGB members. CHAPTER II LITERATURE REVIEW

After briefly introducing literature on stress and coping (Lazarus & Folkman, 1984),i this chapter turns to a discussion of phenomenology and symbolic interaction, the theoretical underpinnings of this study, as they relate to the literature on both affectional-erotic orientation and coping. This chapter concludes with a discussion of the transactional model of coping, which aligns well with a phenomenological and symbolic interactionist perspective.

Introduction Stress is "the process by which we perceive and respond to certain events, called stressors, that we appraise as threatening or challenging" (Myers, 1998, p. 516). A stressor is an environmental stimulus that is physically and/or psychologically detrimental to a person. As outlined in Chapter I, lesbian, bisexual, and gay (lesbigay/LGB)2 students face an abundance of psychosocial stressors, as well as many psychological challenges during their school years. Schools are heavily Influenced by the dominant culture which tends to suppress, expurgate, distort, prohibit, and eradicate the literary and historical records of those whom they consider 'dangerous' (Humphreys, 1979), including lesbigays. Moreover, heterosexism "affects what is taught, who takes which subjects.

28 29 and who is 'in' and 'out' in the cultural life of the school" (Unks, 1995, p. 5). As discussed in Chapter I, schools frequently spawn a "culture of fear" in lesbigays (McLaren, 1995, p. 108), prompting students to conceal their affectional-erotic orientation. Unfortunately, as undergraduate students at colleges and universities, lesbigays continue to encounter similar oppression. According to D'Augelli (1992, p. 214), "at a time when accurate information and supportive experience are critical to their development, young lesbians and gay men find few, if any, affirming experiences in higher education settings" (D'Augelli, 1992, p. 214). Not only do LGB students encounter extensive institutionalized heterosexism within the educational system (Unks, 1995), but membership in a disfavored group commonly intensifies the insecurities associated with puberty (Spencer, Swanson, and Cunningham, 1991). LGB adolescents are largely on their own to establish an identity, to find similar others, to create a sense of community, and to gain acceptance (D'Augelli, 1992). As with all youth, the economic, social, and political expression of LGB adolescents is limited due to their age (Kielwasser & Wolf, 1994; Unks, 1995). Unlike gay adults, LGB adolescents have little access to educational resources regarding their sexual identity, nor do they enjoy the same social bonds or cultural support (D'Augelli, 1992; Kielwasser & Wolf, 1994). In sum, lesbigays, particularly during their school years, may experience considerable stress due to heterosexism, resulting in 30

academic and social marginalization. Not only do LGB students lack cultural validation, information, political leverage, and social networks (Kielwasser & Wolf, 1994), but they are subject to profound isolation. Faced with this stress, LGB students inevitably respond with coping efforts.

Stress and Coping: General Considerations Following Lazarus and Folkman (1984), I consider stress behaviors and coping to be processes related to the cognitive appraisal of the stressful situation. In stress appraisals, which mediate between the stressor and the perceived stress, individuals first ask themselves whether the stressor is personally relevant and if it is potentially harmful. Individuals next survey their resources to estimate how they can maximize the probability of a beneficial outcome and/or minimize the probability of a detrimental outcome. This appraisal process explains why not all people respond in a similar manner to the same objective stressor. Stress appraisals of stressors (i.e., in the case of this research, heterosexist experiences) may include harm/loss, threat, and challenge (Lazurus & Folkman, 1984). Such cognitive appraisals are apt to precipitate a variety of emotional and coping responses. The latter consist of a multidimensional set of cognitions and behaviors evoked to help the Individual manage or tolerate the internal and external demands of the person-environment interaction that is appraised as depleting or exceeding the individual's 31 resources (Eckenrode, 1991; Folkman, Lazarus, Gruen, & DeLongis, 1986). Both emotional and coping responses are discussed in greater depth later in this chapter. The aforementioned definition of coping Includes any conscious response (i.e., thoughts or actions) that a person employs to manage the demands of a particular stressful encounter and that is directed toward adaptive functioning in the face of adversity and negative life experiences. Researchers have identified two major functions of coping: the management of the problem, known as problem- focused coping; and the regulation of emotion, referred to as emotion- focused coping (Folkman, 1991). In addition to the problem-focused and emotion-focused orientation to coping, a number of researchers have advanced broad categories of coping at the empirical level. Not only is the range of responses that function as coping strategies considerable, but coping strategies have defied easy categorization. For example, McCrae (1982) has defined 28 types of coping, while Pearlin and Schooler (1978) have Identified 17 types of coping responses, and still others have recognized eight (Folkman, Lazarus, Dunkel- Schettel, DeLongis, & Gruen, 1986; Stone & Neale, 1984). More recently, Ryan-Wenger (1992) proposed a nonhlerarchlcal taxonomy of children's coping strategies, a synthesis of 16 empirical studies. At any rate, research has suggested that people employ a wide variety of these coping strategies in any given stressful encounter. For instance, in 95% of the stressful encounters reported in one 32 study, both problem-focused and emotion-focused coping were used by subjects (Folkman & Lazarus, 1980). Folkman et al. (1986) found that, on the average, subjects employed between six and seven different coping responses per encounter. Despite the richness of theoretical perspectives and content in studies of coping, there is a notable void in research into the coping responses employed by LGB students. In an examination of major texts (e.g., Cummings, Greene, & Karraker, 1991; Eckenrode, 1991) and journal articles published over the last decade, coping in lesbigays has been studied almost exclusively in reference to persons with HIV/AIDS (e.g., Mulder, Antoni, Duivenvoorden, & Kauffmann, 1995; Pakenham, Dadds, & Terry, 1994; Vedhara & Nott, 1997; Wagner, Brondolo, & Rabkin, 1996 ).3 Coping in noninfected lesbigays, particularly students, remains largely unexplored. Yet, according to D'Augelli (1992), lesbigay students utilize a great deal of psychological energy in coping with concerns about being labeled as deviant, as well as with their own internalized homophobia. Additionally, they may devote considerable social energies to vigilance to avoid disclosure or exposure of their affectional-erotic orientation (D'Augelli, 1992). As one of the interviewees in the documentary film Paris is Burning (Livingston, 1991) explained, "When you are gay you monitor everything you do— how you look, how you dress, how you talk, how you act"; you may strive to "look as much as possible as your straight counterpart" and "pass the untrained eye or even the trained eye," endeavoring to conceal 33

affectional-erotic orientation (Livingston, 1991). Cicchetti and Toth (1997), who studied maltreated children having a high degree of vigilance, conjectured that "hypervigilance and quick assimilation of aggressive stimuli may develop originally as an adaptive coping strategy in the maltreating environment" (p. 327). Not only has little been written as to lesbigays' use of vigilance as a strategy to cope with a hostile school environment, but attention to the coping responses of LGB students in general has been negligible. Having briefly introduced stress and coping as one cornerstone of this inquiry, I turn next to its additional underpinnings: phenomenology and symbolic interaction. In the next section, I discuss these theoretical perspectives, particularly as they relate to the investigation of coping in lesbigays.

Theoretical Underpinnings Since LGB students must live, attend school, and interact within the established social system, both phenomenology and symbolic interaction were chosen to serve as the theoretical underpinnings of this study. Whereas phenomenology investigates the meaning structures of lived experience (van Manen, 1984), the world as lesbigays experience it in everyday life, symbolic interaction focuses on the person-centered processes that occur within the larger units of society (Broom, Selznick, & Broom, 1984). In addition, a symbolic interactionist perspective examines social existence from the standpoint of how the participant "makes sense of experience and copes with the environment" (Broom et al., 1984, 34 p. 14). By merging symbolic interaction with a phenomenological approach, I sought to examine the lived experiences of LGB students within a world of others (Prus, 1997) and "to capture the voices, emotions, and actions" (Denzin, 1992, p. xvi) of LGB students as they coped with their marginalization within educational institutions. Symbolic interactionists contend that individuals actively endeavor to make sense of a social situation (i.e, in this case, individual, cultural, and institutional heterosexism), confer meaning to the situation (Broom et al., 1984), and manage their activities (i.e., cope) in conjunction with others (Prus, 1997). Sexual orientation carries a particular meaning due to the social environment imposing that meaning (Garnets & Kimmel, 1993). Not only is the meaning of affectional-erotic orientation socially constructed, but it differs depending on context, goals, and motivations (Howard & Hollander, 1997).

Symbolic Interaction and Sexual Orientation: Symbols, Meaning, and Interaction Affectional-erotic orientation is a critical component of cultural systems of meaning and its meaning is transmitted and enacted through the three fundamental agents of symbolic interaction: symbols, meaning, and Interaction (Howard & Hollander, 1997). Not only has society created particular labels and meanings for homosexuality, but symbolic boundaries of exclusion are drawn around lesbigays (Lamont & Fournler, 1992). In addition. Individual expressions of prejudice serve a variety of psychological functions 35 and are sanctioned by cultural heterosexism, which imbues homosexuality with a number of symbolic meanings (Herek, 1993c) All are discussed In the following sections.

Symbols and Meaning As an abstract meaning affixed to people, behaviors, and objects, the symbol is the most central concept in symbolic interactionism (Howard & Hollander, 1997). Indeed, some symbols are unique to particular individuals or groups such as lesbigays.^ At the core of symbolic interaction Is the human capacity to employ symbols, which, in turn, enables a consciousness of self, unique only to humans (Howard & Hollander, 1997). For example, the crucifix is an important symbol for Christians; the swastika for neo-Nazis; the tilaka, or caste mark for Hindus; and Uncle Sam for patriotic Americans. People create meaning through the manipulation of symbols in interaction (Howard & Hollander, 1997). As a symbolic system Itself, language is the medium for meaning-making, because, without it, humans would lack the capability to develop symbols and communicate these symbols to others in their interactions. However, these meanings are not created afresh in each new interaction. Instead, a shared system of cultural meaning is transmitted to individuals, who then adapt it to new circumstances (Howard & Hollander, 1997).5 Meaning, then, is not Intrinsic to the situation encountered by the individual. Instead, the perceiver must define the situation and construct its meaning through the use of symbols. Consequently, not only may a symbol convey different 36 meanings for different individuals, but these meanings may be modified over time (Howard & Hollander, 1997). As an illustration of the above, mental health professionals rely on a shared system of meanings, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), the diagnostic bible of psychiatry and psychology, which is now in its fourth edition (American Psychiatric Association, 1994). Yet, the meanings that the psychiatric community has constructed for homosexuality have been considerably modified over time. For instance, homosexuality was initially categorized as a sociopathic personality disturbance, lumped together with pedophilia and sexual sadism, in the first edition of the DSM (APA, 1952). Until 1973, the American Psychiatric Association (APA) had a tendency to discuss homosexuality in terms of perversion and sexual deviation (Herman, 1995). However, on December 15, 1973, under pressure from gay activists, the APA eliminated homosexuality as a psychiatric disorder and replaced it with 'sexual orientation disturbance,' which included only those homosexuals who were distressed by, struggling with, or desiring to change their sexual orientation (Herman, 1995). With this APA Board of Trustees' decision, 20 million lesbigays who were considered mentally disordered in the morning were instantly cured and considered mentally well in the afternoon (Herman, 1995). Shortly thereafter in 1975, the American Psychological Association followed suit by eliminating homosexuality from its list of mental disorders. Only several years later did the American Psychoanalytic 37

Association follow their lead (LeVay & Nonas, 1995). The third edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-III) (APA, 1980) also omitted homosexuality per se from its listings, while continuing to include 'ego-dystonic homosexuality.' However, even this was removed in 1987 with the revised third edition (DSM-III-R) because "it suggested to some that homosexuality itself was considered a disorder" (APA, 1987, p. 426). As reflected In the DSM-IV (APA, 1994), the mental health profession now officially regards homosexuality as a normal variation on the continuum of human sexuality and considers lesbigays as equally capable of sustaining healthy mental, social, and sexual lives as do heterosexuals. From this brief review of the evolution of the DSM with regard to homosexuality, it is clear that the meaning of homosexuality is not intrinsic to sexual orientation. Rather, psychiatrists and psychologists have differentially constructed and defined, reconstructed and redefined, homosexuality over the last half century.

Labeling and Symbolic Boundaries In addition to constructing and defining meanings, human beings create labels of both inclusion and separation, thereby establishing symbolic boundaries (e.g., 'We' [i.e., the heterosexual majority] versus 'Them' [i.e., the homosexual minority]) (Lamont & Fournler, 1992).6 These distinctions separating individuals are not purely physical, but are instead symbolic representations that frequently assume the form of stigma (Lamont & Fournier, 1992). 38

The heterosexual-homosexual dichotomy. Although sexual feelings, including affectional-erotic orientation, are ostensibly an aspect of Individual and private existence, they are in actuality structured by larger social relations, invariably "incorporating the roles, definitions, symbols and meanings of the worlds in which they are constructed" (Ross & Rapp, 1981, p. 51). The heterosexual- homosexual dichotomy, so central to the dominant North American cultural perspective with regard to sexual orientation, serves as a pivotal symbol in all rankings of masculinity/femininity (Carrigan, Connell, & Lee, 1987).7 Moreover, homosexuality departs from the dominant North American cultural norms and values associated with gender roles, which are also considered to be symbols (Blumer, 1994). According to Herek (1993b), lesbigays are fundamentally treated as symbols, symbolizing parts of the self that fall short of cultural standards. Indeed, any significant departures from the norm (e.g., individuals who are not conventionally gendered such as cross dressers, noncompetitive or 'sissy' males, or 'tomboy' females) are readily associated with the imagery of homosexuality, a stigmatized status. Any sign of powerlessness or unwillingness to compete among men becomes associated with the Image of homosexuality (Carrigan et al., 1987). In like manner, any woman who deviates from feminine norms risks allegations of lesbianism.

This process of dichotomous labeling and stigmatlzatlon of homosexuals, Is very much associated with symbolic interaction, which examines the social processes that influence the construction 39 of identity. When acts are socially defined as deviant, as has been the case with homosexuality, social exclusion may ensue (Lamont & Fournier, 1992). This formation of boundaries occurs in the context of face-to-face interactions and is communicated both verbally and nonverbally. Regardless of whether we are straight or gay, we cannot escape the scrutiny and judgments of dissimilar others (Lamont & Fournier, 1992). In particular, lesbigays inevitably encounter and must interact with heterosexual persons who label and stigmatize homosexuals, as well as condemn nonheterosexual orientation.

Symbolic Annihilation In addition to creating meanings for homosexuality, labeling LGB persons, and drawing boundaries of exclusion, society symbolically annihilates lesbigays. Symbolic annihilation (Gerber & Gross, 1976) occurs through nonrepresentation, which "maintains the powerless status of groups who do not possess significant material or political support. . . . those who are at the bottom of the various power hierarchies will be kept In their places in part through their relative invisibility" (Gross, 1991, p. 21). The invisibility of lesbigays was discussed In Chapter I. As with all youth, LGB adolescents encounter restrictions to economic, social, and political expression in their ability to access educational resources, attain a place in the curriculum, see similar others in the media, and secure cultural support. LGB youth are unable to 40 participate in an adultocentric LGB subculture and its concommitant social support due to financial, legal, and political barriers (Kielwasser and Wolf, 1994). As a consequence, LGB students remain powerless and invisible. Through its nonrepresentation and distortion of lesbigays, the mass media plays a particularly powerful role In their symbolic annihilation. LGB youth possess fewer options for resistance and the development of alternative means of expression. Gross (1991) noted that when symbolically annihilated groups begin to gain visibility, the manner in which they are represented reflects the biases and interests of the mainstream.

Symbolic Meanings and Psychological Functions As discussed above, heterosexism is constructed, maintained, and transmitted through the basic tools of symbolic Interaction: symbols, meaning, and interaction. Herek (1993c) has also suggested that individual expressions of prejudice, serving a variety of psychological functions, are sanctioned by cultural heterosexism, which Imbues homosexuality with a number of symbolic meanings. For example, by rejecting that which is not culturally defined as masculine (I.e., male homosexuality), as well as that which is perceived as invalidating the significance of males (I.e., lesbianism), males may affirm their own masculinity (Herek, 1991). Herek (1991) noted that heterosexual women manifest lower levels of antigay prejudice, most likely because they are less inclined to 41 perceive the repudiation of homosexuality as requisite to their own gender Identity. From a psychodynamic perspective, anti-gay prejudice may also serve a defensive function by diminishing anxiety associated with unconscious psychological conflicts regarding sexuality or gender (Herek, 1991). For example, a person may project an unacceptable aspect of the self onto lesbigays. With the rejection or assault of lesbigays, the individual Is able to symbolically attack the unacceptable part of himself or herself. Not only may the condemnation of homosexuality symbolize values that are fundamentally important to an individuars self-concept (e.g., affirming his or her religious identity), but it may serve to secure others' friendships by expressing beliefs maintained by friends or family (Herek, 1991).

Meaning-Making and Coping Although cultural heterosexism imbues homosexuality with a number of symbolic meanings, lesbigays themselves also play a role in meaning-making, as, for example. In the appraisal of stressors. Pearlin (1991, p. 264) discussed "equivalent stressors, nonequivalent meanings." Rather than the inherent nature of the circumstance engendering stressors, it is the meaning that the individual ascribes to the situation that determines the quality and intensity of stressors. Consequently, the meanings attributed to the same circumstance may differ significantly from person to person. Thus, Pearlin (1991) considered two meaning-molding factors that 42 influence life circumstances: values and contexts of experiences. Values, which vary, for example, by gender and social class, "refer to the hierarchies people attach to different activities, relationships, possessions, goals, and aspirations" (Pearlin, 1991, p. 265). When problematic situations arise in highly valued areas of a person's life, particularly when personal Identity is at stake, the more pivotal that area is to one's identity and value system, the greater the likelihood of stress. One might expect, then, that since affectional-erotic orientation Is so central to LGB personal identity, heterosexism is likely to constitute a particularly salient stressor. In addition to values, the contexts of experience shape meanings. Past, current, and anticipated experiences influence the meaning of an event and its power as a stressor. Thus, besides differences in their actual coping, variability in the outcome of coping efforts among lesbigays may be due to differential meaning-making as a result of their unique values and lived experiences. Whether Interacting with homophobic persons or encountering heterosexism in educational institutions, LGB students must interpret these interactions and determine their meaning. Having constructed meanings, lesbigays can then act back against them, accept, reject, or transform them (Blumer, 1994), and, in the process, they employ a variety of strategies to cope with the environment. Indeed, some coping strategies are aimed at altering the meaning of the situation or reinterpreting the problem. Thus, following Pearlin (1991), any study of coping in LGB students may 43 well, in addition to using phenomenology to capture the essence of coping in lesbigays, employ symbolic interactionism (Blumer, 1969), as the research interest in the later is on meaning-making. Consequently, not only is the integration of these two theoretical perspectives germane to a study of LGB students, but phenomenology and symbolic interactionism align well with the transactional model of coping, as outlined in the following section.

Conceptualizations of Coping Researchers differ markedly in their conceptualizations of coping, as well as the meaning of the construct (Eckenrode, 1991). Whereas some writers focus on involuntary, automatic, biologically based coping responses or unconscious ego defense mechanisms (e.g., Hauser et al., 1991; Vaillant, 1993), others highlight conscious, purposive cognitions or behaviors, as in the transactional model of coping (Lazarus & Folkman, 1984). As participants can report only those thoughts and behaviors of which they are aware, the latter perspective was adopted for this inquiry. Thus, after a brief summary of the early work in the field of coping, I turn to an explication of the transactional model of coping.

Origins in Ego Psychology A psychoanalytic perspective, which emphasized subconscious ego defense mechanisms and coping as a personality style, dominated the early work in the field of coping (Folkman, 1991; Lazarus, 1992). "Coping styles are relatively unchanging personality 44 characteristics or outcomes of coping, rather than deliberate behavioral or cognitive strategies" (Ryan-Wenger, 1992, p. 257). Indeed, some behavioral scientists continue to subscribe to this perspective (e.g., Hauser et al., 1991; Vaillant, 1993). Ego psychologists considered coping styles to be hierarchical, ranging from healthy, mature defenses, termed coping, (e.g., anticipation, humor, sublimation) and immature defenses (e.g., fantasy, acting out), to dysfunctional, neurotic defenses (e.g., displacement, intellectualization, and reaction formation), or even psychotic defenses (e.g., delusional projection and distortion) (Lazurus, 1992; Vaillant, 1993). Hence, certain forms of coping were deemed in advance to be healthy, or nearly so, as opposed to pathological (Lazarus, 1992). Consequently, the coping process was not considered Independently of the outcome, thus making it impossible to evaluate successful or failed outcomes of the process or to determine under which conditions coping/defense mechanisms might be adaptive or maladaptive (Lazarus, 1992). More recently, these a priori assumptions of health/pathology have been called Into question. For instance, Dugan (1989) noted that in contrast to some patterns of cooperativeness, inaction, and restraint, some forms of action and acting out are predictors of resiliency and positive developmental outcome during adolescence. Whereas the concept of acting out has pejorative connotations and is often viewed as psychopathological, acting-out behavior may nonetheless be indicative of hope and successful adaptation in the 45 face of adversity. Not only may acting up indicate an inclination toward self-cure, but it forces the environment to respond to the individual, thus increasing his or her involvement with others. Since "certain patterns of inhibition, inaction, and compliance are shown to foreshadow the sense of helplessness and despair" (p. 158), Dugan (1989) focused on the adaptive function of acting out, which he considered to be a sign of preserved ego functioning. Despite the concerns of Dugan (1989), Lazarus (1992) and others, ego psychology still retains some influence in the field of stress and coping.

The Transactional Model of Coping In the late 1970s, the transactional, contextual, process- centered approach to coping emerged from the failure of initial investigators to examine and describe in detail a particular person's cognitive and behavioral coping efforts aimed at managing specific stresses arising in a specific environmental context (Lazarus, 1992).8 This new movement in the field of stress and coping extended the works of phenomenologists, as well as such diverse investigators as field, systems, and social learning theorists (Lazarus, 1992). Transactionalism, which has its roots in systems theory and dialectics, expands on interactionism (Lazarus & Folkman, 1984). According to the transactional perspective, rather than the person and the environment remaining distinct, the separate individual and environmental elements merge to forge a new relational meaning. "In contrast to the unidirectional, static. 46

antecedent-consequent model, the transactional model views the person and the environment in a dynamic, mutually reciprocal, bidirectional relationship" (Lazarus & Folkman, 1984, p. 293).

A Tripartite Process Moreover, the transactional paradigm specifies a tripartite process of cognitive appraisals, emotional responses, and efforts to cope with the stressor (Raffety, Smith, & Ptacek, 1997). Different emotional responses ensue from different appraisals, and various coping responses are directed toward managing the situation or the concomitant emotions.

Cognitive Appraisals The transactional approach to the study of stress and coping highlights cognitive appraisal, a process which focuses on the evaluation of harm/loss, threat, and challenge (Lazarus & Folkman, 1984). Harm/loss indicates that the individual has already incurred some damage. LGB students, for example, may suffer harm/loss due to assault, loss of self- or social esteem, or loss of loved ones due to rejection. In contrast, threat, referring to the potential for harm or loss, pertains to damage that has not yet been sustained as when lesbigays experience the threat of being exposed as gay, harassing or menacing messages on their voice mail, or the possibility of job loss. Challenge appraisals focus on the opportunity for growth, mastery, or gain as In the development of gay pride or increased 47 religious faith. While these three appraisals may be theoretically distinct. In reality they are intermingled (Folkman et al., 1991). Moreover, such stress appraisals are apt to precipitate a variety of coping responses. Lazarus and Folkman (1984) conceptualized stress behaviors and coping as processes related to the appraisal of the stressful situation. The following paragraphs describe this process. Cognitive appraisal of the person-environment relationship is the first step in the process of coping (Lazarus & Folkman, 1984). An individual must evaluate a particular person-environment relationship with respect not only to its personal significance (primary appraisal), but to the options for changing the relationship (secondary appraisal). In primary appraisal, the individual decides whether harm has transpired or Is likely to, evaluates the potential impact of the stressor, and determines whether action will be necessary. For example, when, during a class lecture, a professor refers to lesbigays in a disparaging manner, the LGB student must determine the personal meanings and implications of this denigration. The student then decides if he or she will take action. If the student consequently concludes that action must be taken, secondary appraisal begins with the evaluation of available personal and environmental resources for confronting the stressful situation. The student may quickly think of the following possible actions: just accept the heterosexism, fantasize aggression toward the professor, speak out to rebut the professor's statements, walk out of class in protest, contact the dean of the college, write a 48 letter to the school newspaper, stage a protest, etc. The individual then determines what action to take. Rather than evaluating the Individual and the environment separately, with the transactional approach the characteristics of the person and environment are integrated in any given transaction. Thus, not only is an appraisal a transactional variable (Lazarus & Folkman, 1984), but transactional processes are responsive to moment-by-moment appraisals. Supposing the aforementioned LGB student determined that the professor's remarks were harmful and consequently decided to contact the dean immediately after class. However, another student interrupts the professor by interjecting, "What you have said is distasteful, distorted, and inappropriate," and proceeds to exit the lecture hall. Several other students follow. The first student may them reappraise the situation, decide to modify his or her course of action, and follow suit.

Emotional Responses Further complicating the tripartite process, different emotional responses ensue from different appraisals, and emotions may rapidly change In quality and intensity as circumstances are recast. For example, the above student's emotions may swiftly shift from anxiety to anger, then pride. Moreover, various coping responses are directed toward managing the stressor (problem- focused coping) and/or the concomitant emotions (emotion-focused coping). 49

Coping Efforts For the purposes of this study, coping refers to "the person's cognitive and behavioral efforts to manage (reduce, minimize, master, or tolerate) the internal and external demands of the person-environment interaction that Is appraised as taxing or exceeding the person's resources" (Folkman, Lazarus, Gruen, & DeLongis, 1986, p. 572). Coping responses are an eclectic set of thoughts and behaviors employed to help the individual deal with and/or tolerate the demands dictated by acute or chronic stressors (Eckenrode, 1991). Not only is the range of responses that function as coping strategies considerable, but coping strategies have defied easy categorization. However, Pearlin and Schooler (1978) have suggested that coping strategies fall into three general categories: responses that directly change the problem or situation from which the stress ensues (similar to problem-focused coping), responses that alter the meaning of the situation or reinterpret of the problem (similar to emotion-focused coping), and responses that manage the emotional distress provoked by the problem (similar to emotion- focused coping). Coping responses may be active or passive, as well as direct or indirect (Barrett & Campos, 1991).

Key Properties of Coping As noted earlier, coping refers to an individual's cognitive and behavioral efforts to deal with (e.g., lessen, overcome, accept) the demands, both internal and external. Imposed by chronic or acute 50 stressors in the person-environment interaction. As such, the transactional paradigm considers coping to have three key properties: process-orientation, context specificity, and independence of coping and outcome (Folkman et al., 1991). The first fundamental property, process-orientation, aligns well with symbolic interaction as one theoretical underpinning of this study.

Process-orientation Process pertains to the unfolding or progression of events (Lazarus & Folkman, 1984). Recall that symbolic interaction focuses on the person-centered processes that occur within the larger units of society (Broom, Selznick, & Broom, 1984). Similar to symbolic interaction, coping is process-oriented. Coping focuses on the individual's thoughts and behavior and how these thoughts and actions change with the evolving situation as a function of continuous appraisals and reappraisals (Folkman, 1991). The situation itself, appraisals of the situation, emotional responses, and coping efforts are all in continual flux. Recall also that a symbolic Interactionist perspective examines social existence from the standpoint of how the participant "makes sense of experience and copes with the environment" (Broom et al., 1984, p. 14). Not only is the environment constantly shifting, but so is the manner in which a person copes as an encounter unfolds (Lazarus & Folkman, 1984). Environmental changes may be independent of the person, but with the shift the individual may reappraise the situation, in turn 51

altering subsequent coping efforts (Folkman, 1991). Emotions may also rapidly change in quality and intensity (e.g., from anxiety to anger, then guilt, then love) as circumstances change. Contrasting with the structural, trait-oriented approach which emphasizes personality-based stability, the process-oriented approach takes into consideration that characteristics of the situation, such as controllability or ambiguity, may change over time as either a function of changing situational dynamics or the person's coping efforts (Perrez & Relcherts, 1991). Not only may the coping process change with the demands of each fresh encounter, but it changes over time with the changing requirements of the person- environment relationship. This particular property of mutability holds important implications for intervention, since coping processes may be modified through education and counseling (Folkman et al., 1991).

Context Specificity A second key property of coping is that it is contextual, referring to the Individual's thoughts and behavior within a specific context. Hence, rather than personal dispositions serving as the sole determinants of coping, it ensues from the person's appraisal of the demands of a specific stressful situation. In other words, an individual does not employ an immutable mode of responding regardless of the stressor encountered. Rather, coping appears to be sensitive to situational constraints (Eckenrode, 1991), with 52 different situations prompting different coping strategies (Mattlin, Wethington, & Kessler, 1990). Individuals may adjust their coping efforts from context to context, depending, for instance, on whether they appraise the stressful event as a harm/loss, threat, or challenge (McCrae, 1984).

Independence of Coping and Outcome Lastly, in referring to the efforts to manage demands, the definition of coping is neutral with regard to and independent of outcome. Rather than coping being equated with efficacy or maturity, as in the ego psychology model, the effectiveness of the coping process is determined by its relationship to the demands, constraints, and resources of a specific context (Folkman, 1991). Hence, the definition includes no implication as to success or failure, referring only to efforts to manage the stressful encounter. Effective coping does not necessarily result In successful outcomes or mastery. People frequently encounter situations or conditions that are chronic or cannot be mastered (e.g., chronic illness, parental psychopathology, or, in the case of this study, societal heterosexism) (Folkman et al., 1991). In such cases, effectual coping may simply entail coming to terms with unsatisfactory outcomes. Thus, this key property avoids the confounding of coping processes with coping outcomes. 53

Outcome Variability: Eguivalent Stressors. Noneguivalent Outcomes. In reference to this third key property, Pearlin (1991) noted that coping and other stress mediators are salient to stress research due to their value in explaining the substantial variability in outcome that is commonly found when tracing the consequences of stressors. Although experiencing the same or identical stressors, not only may people be differentially affected by the stressors (Pearlin, 1991), but they may employ differing coping strategies, resulting in disparate outcomes, both adaptive and maladaptive. For example, a number of LGB students may be subjected to identical taunting. Yet, the meanings attributed to this taunting may differ significantly from student to student and the ascribed meanings will determine the quality and intensity of stressors. In turn, coping efforts may vary. While one student may be minimally affected and dismiss the taunter as ignorant, another may become angered and confront the harasser. Still another may be devastated by the taunting and attempt suicide. The later outcome. In particular, would be considered maladaptive. Consequently, variability in outcomes may frequently be attributed to differences in coping

Itself. Research has suggested a variety of explanations for this variability in outcome. One Issue is rigidity versus flexibility of responses (Lazarus & Folkman, 1984). For example, Ryan-Wenger (1992) noted that when faced with extreme adversity, some individuals' coping styles are relatively fixed personality 54 characteristics, rather than intentional behavioral or cognitive strategies. On the one hand, some individuals may employ rather stable coping strategies, trait-like patterns of responding to all stressful encounters, regardless of the characteristics of the particular situation. On the other hand, others use highly adaptive coping strategies suited to the particular situation. In a similar vein, Wethington and Kessler (1991) recognized two substantive profiles: versatility, encompassing 49% of their sample, and passivity, comprising a mere 4% of the sample. Whereas versatile copers indicated that they used virtually all coping strategies, passive copers related that they employed each strategy only infrequently or not at all. Indeed, even children evince marked individual differences in coping with the same situation, some seeking help at the same time others employ escape or avoidance (Radke-Yarrow & Klimes-Dougan, 1997). According to Radke-Yarrow and Klimes-Dougan (1997), these immediate coping efforts develop into persistent patterns.

Functions of Coping Having considered the transactional paradigm's definition of coping and its key properties, particularly the importance of not confounding coping processes with coping outcomes, this chapter concludes with a discussion of its functions. As noted earlier, coping, currently recognized by many writers as having two primary functions (e.g., Folkman, 1991; Lazarus, 1992), serves to manage the 55 problem (problem-focused coping) and/or regulate feelings (emotion- focused coping). Similarly, Pearlin (1991) proposed that coping responses seek to: (a) change the situation from which the stressful experience ensues; (b) control, both cognitively and perceptually, the meaning of the circumstances in order to diminish their potency as stressors (e.g., remind oneself that the professor spouting antigay rhethoric is merely ignorant or has some personal gender identity issues to work through); and (c) manage and relieve the emotional distress arising from stressors. While altering the situation can be considered problem-focused, the latter two responses are types of emotion-focused coping.

Problem-focused Coping Problem-focused coping includes, for example: seeking advice, assistance, or information; confrontation; direct action; planning; and withdrawing/leaving (Smith, 1993; Thoits, 1991a, 1991b). The aforementioned LGB student may use problem-focused coping to diminish heterosexism by pressuring the university to establish a committee on LGB issues or to include sexual orientation in its nondiscrimination policy. Or, as a means of self-empowerment, an LGB student may learn self-defense to make physical assaults less threatening. However, "certain kinds of life exigencies seem to be particularly resistant to individual coping efforts" (Pearlin, 1991, p. 267). Hence, there may be contexts and situations in which problem- solving is not a reasonable option. For example, in the case of 56 parental rejection of an LGB offspring, there may be little the lesbigay can do to change the situation. In that case, an individual may rely more on the control of meaning or the management of emotional distress.

Emotion-focused Coping Emotion-focused coping involves strategies such as exercise, humor, prayer, relaxation, prescription medications, and the use of drugs or alcohol (Smith, 1993; Thoits, 1991a, 1991b). Hence, in general, problem-focused coping may be more appropriately employed in situations in which the person has the potential to alter the outcome, whereas emotion-focused coping may be more apropos when the individual can effect little change. In the latter situation, the individual focuses on what can be changed, that is, emotional responses. In other words, while people may not be able to change what is happening, they are able to change their feelings about it. Having reviewed some of the literature as it relates to my theoretical perspectives, phenomenology and symbolic interaction, as well as discussed how these align with the transactional model of coping, I turn last to a review of the studies that guided my investigation.

Germane LGB Literature As noted in Chapter I, few studies have examined the lived experiences of LGB students and their efforts to cope with 57 heterosexism within educational Institutions. Coping in lesbigays has been studied almost exclusively in reference to the Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV) and persons with HIV/AIDS (e.g., Folkman, Chesney, Pollack, & Phillips, 1992; Mulder, Antoni, Duivenvoorden, & Kauffmann, 1995; Pakenham, Dadds, & Terry, 1994; Vedhara & Nott, 1997; Wagner, Brondolo, & Rabkin, 1996 ).9 What follows, then, is a review of the literature that guided this investigation, germane studies (a) of stress and coping in lesbigays, (b) of LGB lived experiences, and/or (c) that employed a phenomenological approach to gay issues.

Quantitative Studies Stress and Coping In Lesbians Examining stress and coping methods in lesbians, Gillow and Davis (1987) devised the Stress and Coping Tool (SACT) from a review of the literature on the stressors associated with lesbian sexual orientation, as well as the coping strategies employed by lesbians. Sources of stress located in the literature Included societal norms that negatively sanction lesbians, coming out to family and friends and the concomitant fear of rejection, restrictive laws, child custody issues, and employment concerns (Gillow & Davis, 1987). A self-selected sample of 201 lesbians responded to Gillow and Davis' advertisement placed In a lesbian publication with a large readership and 142 participants, with a mean age of 31, completed the survey. Along with questions on demographics, the 58

SACT inquired about perceived stressors, coping efforts, and social support networks. Gillow and Davis (1987) discovered the primary stressor for their participants to be employment-related, followed by difficulties In personal relationships and family acceptance of sexual orientation. In addition, one-fourth of the respondents cited as stressors miscellaneous issues associated with identity formation, including, for example, having to conceal one's sexual orientation and feeling alone. According to Gillow and Davis (1987), stress in lesbians may be a consequence of laws against and societal norms opposing homosexuality which, in turn, impact child custody, employment, and sexual relations. Stress may also arise in a lesbian as a "result of the incongruence between her internal self-concept and her external expression of self" (Gillow & Davis, 1987, p. 28). Gillow and Davis (1987) also noted that coping efforts changed over time, with increased use of relaxation techniques, humor, and emotional expression through crying. Conversely, less adaptive coping methods such as frequenting bars and alcohol and/or drug use, as well as the use of a therapist, diminished over time. Moreover, social support networks and adaptive coping efforts were positively correlated: the more extensive the social support system, the greater the variety of adaptive coping strategies employed.

Less apropos to my inquiry, Edwards (1995, p. 229) investigated "coping and adjustment" [italics added] in a sample of 37 Black, adolescent, gay males. Recall that in the transactional 59 model of coping and for the purposes of this study, coping refers to "the person's cognitive and behavioral efforts to manage (reduce, minimize, master, or tolerate) the Internal and external demands of the person-environment interaction that is appraised as taxing or exceeding the person's resources" (Folkman, Lazarus, Gruen, & DeLongis, 1986, p. 572). Examining Edwards' questionnaire that focused on four domains of psychosocial functioning (self-identity, family relations, school and work relations, and adjustment), I found that only two questions of 39 dealt with coping as defined above.

Qualitative Studies Several qualitative studies of lesbigays offered considerable guidance in designing this investigation. For example, Remafedi (1987) interviewed gay male adolescents to investigate the meaning and subjective experience of being gay. Herek (1993a) conducted the Yale Sexual Orientation Survey to document prejudice against lesbigays on campus. Subsequently replicated at Rutgers, Penn State, and Emory, this survey Indicated that on campus many LGB students remained secretive and fearful (Herek, 1993a). In his ethnographic study, Rhoads (1994) examined the process of coming out in college, gay male students' "struggle for a gueer identity" (title page). Pronger (1992) undertook a phenomenological study of gay men in athletics. Especially relevant to this study. Sears (1991) explored the experience of growing up gay in the South. After interviewing Southern lesbigays, Sears noted several means. 60 adaptive and maladaptive, that his participants used to cope with heterosexism: academic achievement, artistic pursuits, daydreaming, denial (to self and/or others), escapism (using alcohol and drugs, as well as through heterosexual promiscuity and suicide attempts), overeating, projection, and silent coping.

Lived Experiences of LGB Adolescents One qualitative study particularly germane to an investigation of lived experiences of LGB students in West Texas was conducted by Telljohann and Price (1993). These investigators examined life experiences of LGB adolescents, primarily with regard to how persons in their environment accepted or failed to accept their sexual orientation. Administering an open-ended questionnaire to 120 lesbigay youth, Telljohann and Price asked LGB adolescents about: their homosexual identity; the reaction of peers, family, physicians, and school personnel; homosexuality in the curriculum; problems encountered at school; persons who had provided them with support; and other miscellaneous concerns. Topics focused on issues pertinent to secondary school personnel. Telljohann and Price's (1993) study contributed to the literature on LGB adolescents In a number of ways. First, findings indicated that one-third of the respondents were aware of their homosexual identity between the ages of 4 and 10. A second finding was paradoxical: while LGB respondents reported peers' positive acceptance of their sexual orientation, they nonetheless related 61 that, in addition to violence, peers made jokes, rude comments, and verbally harassed them. Third, Telljohann and Price found that family members were eight times more negative to gay males than were their peers. Finally, only half of adolescents reported that homosexuality was discussed In classes. Moreover, when homosexuality was discussed, it was dealt with in a negative manner. Telljohann and Price (1993) concluded that students in their study lacked support from teachers, as well as school counselors.

Phenomenology Using a phenomenological approach, Hunisett (1983) investigated self-Identified lesbians' lived experiences of being in crisis. The personal stories of participants were the cornerstone of her study. Focusing in particular on the implications for counselors, Hunnisett's Intent was to educate counselors by illuminating the subjective reality of being a lesbian within the context of the lesbian community. Reviewing this inquiry in a later article, Hunisett (1986) outlined a phenomenological method for investigating lesbian existence.

Summary This chapter discussed phenomenology and symbolic interaction, the theoretical underpinnings of this study, as they relate to the literature on both homosexuality and coping. By 62 examining social existence from the standpoint of how the participant comprehends experience and copes with the environment (Broom et al., 1984), symbolic interaction, in particular, aligns well with the transactional model of coping. Symbolic interactionists contend that individuals actively endeavor to make sense of a social situation (I.e, in the case of this research, individual, cultural, and institutional heterosexism), confer meaning to the situation (Broom et al., 1984), and manage their activities (i.e., cope with the heterosexism) in conjunction with others (Prus, 1997). Similarly, the transactional model of coping expands on interactionism and maintains that individuals cognitively appraise the stressful situation, respond emotionally, and produce coping responses to manage the situation or the concomitant emotions. Both symbolic interaction and the transactional model of coping examine meaning- making and are process-oriented. Lastly, this chapter examined the LGB studies that guided this Investigation. 63

Notes 1 Underlined words and phrases can be found in the Appendix A, Glossary, where, in addition to definitions, germane information is provided.

2The American Psychological Association (APA, 1994) prefers the phrase "lesbians, gay men, and bisexual women and men" (p. 51). However, in the interest of brevity and where applicable, I will employ either the acronym LGB for lesbian, gay, and bisexual as is common in the literature or borrow from Murray (1996), who employed the abbreviation "lesbigay"^ which denotes either 'lesbian and gay' or 'lesbian, bisexual, and gay' [lesbian + (^sexual) + gay = lesbigay] (p. 1).

3Using the descriptors 'coping' and 'homosexuality' to search PsychLit, I found that of the 79 articles published since 1990, 87.5% regarded coping in reference to HIV/AIDS. The remaining articles covered miscellaneous topics such as coping in children of gay parents, elderly gay individuals, and therapists who are grappling with countertransference in counseling gay clients. Much to my chagrin, two of these 79 articles were published in journals entitled Deviant Behavior (Edwards, 1996) and Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease (Lackner, Joseph, & Ostrow, 1993), despite the American Psychiatric Association (1994) having long since dropped homosexuality as a psychological disorder as noted In the text of this paper. Also of note is that while the title of Edwards' (1996) article implied that his study investigated coping, it was nonetheless unrelated to the body of literature In the field of stress and coping and thus proved to be a disappointment. Hence, a dearth of literature exists regarding how healthy gay students cope with external and internal homophobia, heterocentrism, and heterosexism.

^Lesbigays, for instance, have adopted the pink triangle, freedom rings, and the rainbow flag as their symbols. 64

5The pink triangle is an example of how a shared system of cultural meaning Is transmitted to individuals and then adapted it to new circumstances (Kielwasser & Wolf, 1994). The transformation of this symbol of oppression, originally used by the Nazis to distinguish homosexuals for incarceration and extermination, into a symbol of pride is analogous to the Christian community's use of the cross, initially a symbol of ignominious capital punishment, into a symbol of faith (Kielwasser & Wolf, 1994). Similarly, Ogbu (1991) has written about cultural inversion as a minority coping response. Cultural inversion takes several forms, one of which is "the investure of positive values on negative images, such as converting the word 'nigger' to a term of endearment when used within the group" [italics added] (Ogbu, 1991, pp. 441-442).

6According to Lamont and Fournier (1992), some sociologists locate these symbolic boundaries and their origins within people's heads and others contend that they are Imposed by sociopolitical forces. Still others, such as the symbolic interactionists, consider symbolic boundaries to be the product of interactions between individuals.

^People prevalently employ a duality model, perceiving sexual orientation as dichotomous (a person Is either heterosexual or homosexual). Yet, the realities of 'being gay' or 'being straight' are often not clear-cut and thus sexual orientation is better understood as a continuum, with numerous variations between the poles. In other words, dichotomous definitions (e.g., homosexuality versus heterosexuality, gay versus straight), "unrealistic, dichotomous, elther-or-" approaches (Klein, 1991, p. 58), are arbitrary and obscure empirical reality. Gays and lesbians who are celibate and/or virgins may delimit one end of the continuum, while the other pole is delineated by the extremely sexually active. Moreover, a continuum exists with exclusive homosexuality at one pole and exclusive heterosexuality at the opposite, with a multitude of gradations between. In any event, bisexuals rip a gaping hole In the fabric of the dichotomous model of sexual orientation and thus invite alternate Interpretations. 65

Rothblatt (1995) offered just such an alternative. In place of the paradigm of sexual continuism, Rothblatt has suggested the substitution of "unisexual orientation (unique sexuality)" (p. 140), which considers that an individual falls in love with and loves a person based on emotional feelings for that person, not his or her genitals. To illustrate the absurdity of sexual dimorphism, Rothblatt has offered the analogy of color: A "rainbow lexicon of sexual continuity" (1995, p. 113). Rather than envisioning the world with a mere black/white dichotomy, we employ color descriptions. Color exists in a myriad of hues, and yet can be classified into similar chromatic categories. When blended In various degrees, the primary colors of red, yellow, and blue (heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual) combine to generate a complexity of hybrids. To further complicate the complex issue of affectlonal-erotic/sexuai orientation, and of particular note, "the meaning of sexual orientation varies depending on context, goals, and motivations" (Howard & Hollander, 1997, p. 19).

8This study seeks to investigate and provide a detailed description of the cognitive and behavioral coping efforts of lesbians, gay men, and bisexual women and men aimed at managing the stresses of heterocentrism, heterosexism, and homophobia arising in a environmental context of educational institutions.

9Refer to note 3 above. CHAPTER III METHODOLOGY

Introduction This chapter on methodology first delineates the general design of my investigation of the lived experiences of lesbian, gay and bisexual (LGB/lesbigay) students in West Texas and their efforts to cope with heterosexism. After highlighting phenomenology and symbolic interaction as the theoretical underpinnings of this study, methods of participant selection are addressed. Next, guided by van Manen's (1984; 1990) method of phenomenological inquiry, data collection and data analysis are discussed. Turning last to the trustworthiness of this Inquiry, this chapter addresses the analogues for the traditional posltivist terms of reliability and validity. These include four terms more appropriate to qualitative inquiry: Credibility, transferability, dependability, and confirmability.

General Design Rationale and Justification for a Qualitative Study An inductive approach that could build from individual lived experiences toward a more general concept of coping in lesbigays served as the foundation of this study. For a number of reasons, a qualitative research design was particularly germane to an investigation of how LGB students cope with the heterosexism they

66 67 encounter in their daily interactions with others. Concerns about the obfuscation of Individual experiences, each reflecting the plurality of identities and voices that distinguishes the postmodern condition (Lyotard, 1984); the inadequacy and limitations of extant coping instruments (Garmezy, 1990); and the neglect of process all justified a qualitative study (Prus, 1997). As previously noted, the transactional model of coping delineates a dynamic process involving cognitive appraisals, emotional responses, and efforts to cope with the stressor (Raffety et al., 1997). Since qualitative investigators are able to examine "the ways in which people (as linguistic, thinking, interacting, adjusting, community-based beings) construct or accomplish their activities over time or in process terms" (Prus, 1997, p. 195), a qualitative design was particularly germane to the study of LGB coping as a process. In addition, issues of power and control, so inextricably linked to any minority study, also contraindicated a quantitative approach (Harding, 1991; Rhoads, 1997a; Richardson, 1991; Tierney, 1996; among others). According to Cain (1993), researchers carry their own cultural backgrounds, histories, and social positions with them into their research, and these are apt to shape and place limitations on the knowledge formulations produced. Consequently, when investigators prespecify the intent of their studies, their own perspectives shape what they claim to be objective findings (Rhoads, 1997a). With the power to mold knowledge, past investigators have frequently contributed to and supported the marginality of lesbigays (Rhoads, 1997a). 68

However, a qualitative approach, which has no prespecified intent, allows knowledge to be constructed via dialogue between the investigator and research participant in a collaborative process (Rhoads, 1997a). According to Hunnlsett (1986): The phenomenological concept of dialogue assumes that the researcher Is in a spontaneous, receptive relationship with the participant: this kind of relationship encourages the researcher to elicit the participant's cooperation in developing an accurate reflection of the person's experience, (p. 256)

In employing such collaborative methods, the assumption is that by their active Involvement, participants can serve as teachers/the authority, thereby diminishing the power and control of the researcher as a sole means of shaping knowledge (Rhoads, 1997a). Considering the aforementioned concerns, I believed a qualitative design would maximize the potential for (a) uncovering LGB students' multiple and sometimes conflicting interpretations of social reality, (b) generating hypotheses and building constructs about coping in lesbigays, and (c) exploring the process of LGB coping. In addition, qualitative research allowed me to enter into a dialogue with LGB students and to collaborate in the construction of knowledge with reference to coping In lesbigays. Moreover, methods that are called qualitative align more directly with the tenets of phenomenology and symbolic interaction. Borrowing from Murphy and Longino (1992) and Rhoads (1997a), further justification for a qualitative approach to the study of coping in LGB students can be summarized as follows. First, my 69 intent was to focus on the individuality of experience in response to the common stressor, heterosexism, a perspective that considerably differs in philosophy from that which forms the foundation of quantitative inquiries. Second, every aspect of social existence in general and homosexuality in particular is embedded in symbolism. Therefore, I needed to be sensitive to the ways in which lesbigays interpret these symbols and their own lives, rather than focusing on a priori hypotheses, preconceived Ideas of their lives, and pre selected data collection methods. Lastly, qualitative research allowed me to elicit each participant's cooperation in developing an accurate reflection of his or her lived experiences (Hunnlsett, 1986), thereby diminishing the power and control of the researcher as a sole means of shaping knowledge (Rhoads, 1997a).

Emphasis on Intersublectivlty Having decided on a qualitative design, I employed a person- centered approach which emphasized intersublectivlty. This was the approach I used to gather data and explore the ways LGB students cope with heterosexism.i Intersubjectivity takes into account that people mutually construct actions, interactions, and meanings. Following van Manen (1984), phenomenology was used to investigate the meaning structures of LGB lived experience, the world as lesbigay students experience It in everyday life. Borrowing from Broom, Selznick, and Broom (1984), symbolic interaction addressed the person-centered processes that transpired within the larger 70

units of society. With the union of symbolic interactionist and phenomenological approaches, I sought to examine LGB lived experiences within a world of heterosexual others, and, following Denzin (1992), to capture the voices, feelings, and actions of participants as they coped with their marginalization within educational institutions. Thus, I examined the social existence of lesbigays from the perspective of how they have made sense of their lived experiences and coped with the nonsupportive school environment. More specifically, the intent of this study was to shed light on how LGB students (a) made sense of Individual, cultural, and Institutional heterosexism with regard to nonheterosexual orientation; (b) conferred meaning to their marginalization; and (c) managed their activities, that is, coped, in conjunction with others. To that end, I employed van Manen's (1984; 1990) method of phenomenological Inquiry, which entails the dynamic interaction among four procedural activities (van Manen, 1984), which include 11 steps (see Figure 3.1). How, Why, and What questions guided this inquiry as a means of uncovering the personal meanings associated with being an LGB student faced with individual, cultural, and institutional heterosexism (e.g.. How do lesbigays interact, with whom do they interact, and why? How do LGB students cope with heterosexism, homophobia, and stigmatlzatlon and why do they use these particular coping strategies? What meaning does the LGB student confer on heterosexism?) (McCall & Simmons, 1966). 71

METHODOLOGICAL OUTLINE FOR DOING PHENOMENOLOGY

I. Turning to the Nature of Lived Experience A. Orienting to the phenomenon B. Formulating the phenomenological question C. Explicating assumptions and preunderstandings II. Existential Investigation A. Exploring the phenomenon: Generating 'data' 1. Using personal experiences as a starting point 2. Tracing etymological sources 3. Searching idiomatic phrases 4. Obtaining experiential descriptions from participants 5. Locating experiential descriptions in literature/art B. Consulting phenomenological literature III. Phenomenological reflection A. Conducting thematic analysis 1. Uncovering thematic aspects in lifeworld descriptions 2. Isolating thematic statements 3. Composing linguistic transformations 4. Gleaning thematic descriptions from artistic sources B. Determining essential themes IV. Phenomenological writing A. Attending to the speaking of language B. Varying the examples C. Writing D. Rewriting: I to IV or rethinking, reflecting, and recognizing

Note: Adapted from van Manen, M. (1984). Practicing phenomenological writing. Phenomenology + Pedagogy. 2(1). 36-69, and van Manen, M. (1990). Researching lived experience. Albany: State University of New York Press.

Figure 3.1. A Methodological Outline for van Manen's Approach to Phenomenology 72

Theoretical Perspectives Phenomenology, Intersubjectivity, and Symbolic Interaction Phenomenology and symbolic interaction served as the theoretical underpinnings of this study. "The primary concern of the phenomenologist is to 'get back to the phenomena themselves,' to obtain 'Verstehen,' or 'subjective understanding,' of human behavior from the actors' points of view" (Herman, 1994, p. 90). Whereas the intent of logical positivism, which focuses on confirmatory research, is to statistically test a priori theories designated at the outset of the study, phenomenology begins with no preconceptions, generating no a priori theory or hypotheses (Herman, 1994). In contrast to the logical positivlst's deductive approach, the phenomenologist gathers descriptive data on the nature of lived experiences and then employs an inductive analytic approach to develop theoretical models from the actual data. As well as being exploratory in nature, the aim of phenomenology is to discover theory embedded in the lived experiences of the participants themselves (Herman, 1994), what is referred to as grounded theory (Glaser & Strauss, 1967). In the absence of extant models of how healthy LGB students cope, phenomenology was the ideal approach for this study, since theory Is generated through discovery (Glesne & Peshkin, 1992).

In addition to disavowing the canons of the logical posltivist or scientific paradigm, the phenomenologist espouses an intersubjective understanding (Herman, 1994; Prus, 1996). 73

Intersubjectivity is the view that "people create reality and their lived experience as they reflect on, interact with, and respond to others" (Charmaz, 1996, p. xii), also the tenets of symbolic interaction (Denzin, 1992). Intersubjectivity is realized through mutual construction of actions, interactions, and meanings. Hence, drawing from Denzin (1992), LGB students construct the world of experience in which they live by acting on individual, cultural, and institutional heterosexism consistent with the meanings heterosexism has for them. Instead of statistical procedures employing standardized measures, which fail to account for the human construction of meaning and action (Charmaz, 1997), intersubjectivity relies on shared language and symbols. According to Prus (1996), in order to grasp the intersubjective meanings, researchers must not only Immerse themselves in the language and symbols of their participants, but they must ascertain how participants view and reflect on their actions. Only by considering the ongoing, intersubjective nature of lived experiences, may investigators comprehend, explicate, and illuminate how individuals create their personal and social realities (Prus, 1996). My intent, then, in utilizing phenomenology and symbolic interaction was to broaden the scope of this research to encompass the social-political realities of my participants. Symbolic interaction and phenomenology as theoretical paradigms and the marriage of intersubjectivity with human lived experience are one means of exploring how LGB students make sense of their lived 74 experiences with Internalized, individual, and cultural/institutional heterosexism and how, in response, they construct meaningful coping strategies in their daily lives.

Symbolic Interaction and Sexual Orientation Although sexual feelings, including affectional-erotic orientation, are ostensibly an aspect of Individual and private existence, they are in actuality shaped by larger social relations (Ross & Rapp, 1981). Affectional-erotic orientation invariably embodies the roles, definitions, symbols, and meanings of the culture in which it is constructed (Ross & Rapp, 1981). According to Herek (1993b), gay men are fundamentally treated as symbols, symbolizing portions of the self that fall short of cultural standards.

Labels, Stigma, Symbolic Boundaries and Meanings In addition to analyzing the social processes that lead to identity formation, symbolic interactionists examine labels and labeling (Lamont & Fournier, 1992). Humans construct labels through contrast (e.g., heterosexual/homosexual) and inclusion (e.g., 'We'), and symbolic classifications are typically organized around bipolar opposites (natural/unnnatural, moral/immoral, normal/deviant). Labeling oneself as a lesbian, gay man, or bisexual woman or man and adopting a sexual identity as a nonheterosexual minority member (Sherrill & Hardesty, 1994), which is frequently 75 deemed to be abnormal, immoral, and pathological (Reynolds & Koski, 1995), carries with it a stigma. According to Lamont and Fournier (1992), this stigma is a symbolic boundary. Moreover, Herek (1993c) has suggested that "by imbuing homosexuality with a variety of symbolic meanings, cultural heterosexism enables expressions of individual prejudice to serve various psychological functions" (p. 89). Whether interacting with homophobic persons or encountering heterosexism within educational institutions, lesbigays must interpret these interactions and determine the meaning. In the process, they employ various coping strategies. As LGB coping behavior arises from how the individual interprets and handles the stressful situation, many things must be considered prior to actions such as coping efforts. A person must identify: (a) what he or she wants to do, (b) how to accomplish it, (c) what conditions prove instrumental to the action, and (d) what conditions impede the action. Accordingly, an LGB student must attend to and interpret the aspects of the situation in which he or she acts. Having constructed meanings, he or she can act back against them, accept, reject, or transform them (Blumer, 1994), and, in the process, employ a variety of strategies to cope with the situation. Indeed, some coping strategies are aimed at altering the meaning of the situation or reinterpreting the problem. Symbolic interactionists view the person-environment interaction as a creative, emergent, open-ended process (Meltzer & Manis, 1994), and these meanings do not remain 76 fixed, stable, and shared (Prus, 1996). According to Blumer (1994), traditional schools of psychology (e.g., behaviorists who examine stimulus-response) fail to account for this process of constructing action. Borrowing from Blumer (1994), then, LGB coping behavior ensues from how the individual interprets and confers meaning to the heterosexism, rather than emanating from environmental forces, external stimuli, motives, or organic drives. Consequently, I focused on participants' own interpretations of their lived experiences with heterosexism, as well as the meanings Imputed to these interactions.

Purposive Sampling Morin (1977) noted that due to the invisibility of lesbigays and the frequent concealment of sexual orientation, there is no such thing as a representative sample of lesbians, gay men, and bisexual women and men. More specifically, since so many LGB college students remain closeted, unwilling and afraid to disclose their affectional-erotic orientation, representative sampling is particularly problematic in a study such as this. Thus, purposive, convenience selection was employed to obtain self-identified lesbigays who have attended schools for a minimum of two years in, as well as in cities bordering, Texas. All participants were enrolled in a college or university in West Texas at the time of the interview(s). 11

In addition, network or snowball selection (LeCompte & Preissle, 1993), a common mode of participant selection used in both Rhoads' (1994) investigation of coming out in college and in Edwards' (1996) study of coping and adjustment of LGB youth, was employed. According to Rhoads (1994), snowball sampling is possibly the best method to employ in a study of lesbigays, since it is not feasible to identify the universe from which to draw a sample. Network sampling entails a strategy in which a participant who possesses the attributes required by an investigator suggests as a potential participant an individual possessing the same characteristic (LeCompte & Preissle, 1993). My initial contacts, then, conveyed the nature of the study by word of mouth to subsequent volunteers. Thus, it is unlikely that my sample is reflective of the LGB student population in general, instead resembling more the population of out LGB college/university students in West Texas. I recruited LGB students at both two- and four-year institutions of higher education in West Texas and eastern New Mexico. Letters for recruitment of volunteers were sent to: (a) the monthly newsletter of community Lesbian/Gay Alliances; (b) a community social organization, the Lambda Social Network; (c) several Metropolitan Community Churches (MCC); (d) chapters of Parents, Friends, and Family of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG); (e) various Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual Students Associations (LGBSA); and (f) gay faculty contacts at various colleges and universities. As 78 shown in Appendix E, an attachment to the letters clarified the purpose of the study and the extent of participation required, as well as the safeguards established to preserve confidentiality. In addition, the attachment apprised prospective participants of their rights not only to refuse to participate in the research, but to discontinue participation at any point in the study if they so chose. All participants received a copy of the Informed Consent form, signed by both the investigator and themselves. Eleven self-identified gay men and three self-identified lesbians, ranging in age from 18 to 35, volunteered to participate in an initial interview of approximately one hour. All participants were Anglo, with the exception of Brian, who was Black. Furthermore, all participants attended public schools during K-12, except for Bryan who was educated in a Catholic school. In contrast to Rhoads' (1994) sample which consisted mostly of juniors and seniors, 10 of the 14 participants In my sample were classified as freshman or sophomores at the time of the Interviews. Following Morin's (1977) recommendation and Sear's (1991) example. Table 3.1 provides an expanded participant description of my sample, including pseudonym, age, classification, major, and the section of Texas/New Mexico in which the participant's hometown was located.

Generating Data In addition to borrowing from Denzin (1984), who employed an interpretive, social phenomenological, and interactionist 79

Table 3.1 Demographic Data of Participants

Participant Age Racea Sex Classificationb Major Location of Hometownc

Andrew 19 A M So Microbiology 2

Barbara 19 A F So Biology 4

Brian 18 B M Fr Voice performance/ 4 Broadcast Journalism

Bryan 21 A M So Foreign Languages 2

Christian 26 A M Fr Restaurant, Hotel, & 5 Institution Mngmnt.

Corey 19 A M Fr Sociology

Daniel 25 A M Ju Political Science 4

Jason 25 A M So History 2

Jonathan 35 A M Sr Psychology 5

Julian 24 A M Sr Music 3

Kelly 19 A F So Psychology 2

Mark 23 A M So Sound Technology 1

Molly 25 A F Sr Fashion Design 5

Nigel 20 A M So Music Performance 3

aA = Anglo, B = Black bFr = Freshman, So = Sophomore, Ju = Junior, Sr = Senior ci = Eastern New Mexico, 2 = West Texas, 3 = North Central Texas, 4 = Dallas/Fort Worth area, 5 = Houston/Gulf Coast area 80

perspective, works by van Manen (1984, 1990) and Prus (1996, 1997) served as my methodological guides to data collection. More specifically, I closely followed van Manen's (1984) approach to doing phenomenology for generation of data. According to van Manen (1984), what is generally referred to as 'generating data' may, from a phenomenological perspective, be more appropriately seen as the process by which the researcher develops a more indepth understanding of the phenomenon under study. This process is five fold as follows.

Using Personal Experiences as a Starting Point First, I used as a starting point my personal experiences as: (a) a co-advisor of a support group for LGB students; (b) a member and participant-observer at meetings and activities of the Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual Students Association (GLBSA) at a large university in West Texas; and (c) a participant at meetings of Parents, Friends, and Families of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG); the Lambda Social Network, a gay community social organization; and the Reconciling Congregation of the United Methodist Church. In order to increase theoretical sensitivity, I maintained a reflective journal over the course of a year and a half, providing direct descriptions of my experiences observing, listening to, and interacting with LGB group members, without suggesting causal explanations or interpretive generalizations. By making entries in this journal, I gained further awareness of my own experiences and 81

interactions with lesbigays, which provided me with clues for orienting myself to LGB lived experiences and guided me in the subsequent stages of my research (van Manen, 1984). More recently, Jensen (1997) stressed the importance of honest self-reflection for heterosexual researchers who are exploring the lived experiences of lesbigays, particularly reflection on how to conduct this research in a responsible manner. I found self-reflection to be an important tool to understanding my own heterosexist biases. In addition, self- reflection helped me explore my gay-affirmative biases, which are addressed in Appendix B.

Locating Experiential Descriptions in Literature, Poetry, and Other Art Forms Second, in order to increase insight and gain interpretive understanding, I examined literature, poetry, films, music, and other forms of art created or appreciated by lesbigays (van Manen, 1984).2 According to Stewart (1995), Cassell's gueer companion offers a guide to the many creative and often humorous ways in which we [lesbigays] build our lives as we want to live them ... we take and we subvert what is worth coopting from an otherwise drab mainstream, and increasingly we create our own artifacts- film, theater, and literature when we want to speak directly of our own experience, (p. vi)

A handy reference in locating LGB experiential descriptions, this encyclopedia of lesbian and gay culture includes a variety of information on literature (e.g., Virginia Woolf's Orlando: Gertrude 82

Stein's Miss Furr and Miss Skeene). film (e.g.. Fried Green Tomatoes. The Hunger), music (e.g., of Madonna, The Village People, Judy Garland), paintings (e.g., Caravaggio's The musicians. Courbet's Sleep, and Donatello's St. George), plays (e.g., Fierstein's Torch Song Trilogy and La Cage aux Folles). and poetry (e.g., references to Auden, Baudelaire, Whitman, Wilde). Thus, Cassell's gueer companion served as an indispensable guidebook to locating experiential descriptions in literature, poetry, and other art forms.

Tracing Etymological Sources Third, I remained attentive to the etymological origins of words, attempting to trace the origin and development of words used in the LGB subculture. Again, Cassell's gueer companion: A dictionary of lesbian and gay life and culture (Stewart, 1995) was the major source that guided me in tracing etymological origins of LGB words. Some of these words (e.g., butch, flamer, nelly, queen) appear in the participants' experiential descriptions in Chapter IV and are listed in the Appendix A, Glossary.

Searching Idiomatic Phrases Fourth, as Idiomatic phrases are based on lived experiences, I also remained attentive to common expressions associated with the lesbigay subculture. For example, local lesbigays refer to their equivalent of 'dragging Main,' as the 'Fruit Loop,' the roads circled during recreational pursuits at several local parks. For a lesbigay to 83 abruptly come out of the closet is to "kick open the door and throw the hangers out." A "fag hag" refers to a heterosexual woman who spends a great deal of time with gay men. In other words, extant LGB words and expressions were born of, and are still linked with, original lived experiences. Thus, these expressions engendered phenomenological reflection on the LGB lived experiences from which the idioms derived their meaning (van Manen, 1984).

Obtaining Experiential Descriptions from Participants Lastly, I obtained experiential descriptions from self- identified lesbigays, narratives of what it is like going through school as an LGB student in Texas and its bordering towns. The essence of what it means for a gay student to encounter heterosexism in society in general and in educational institutions in particular was captured via (a) observations at meetings of the GLBSA at a large Texas university, PFLAG, and various establishments that are central to the regional gay subculture; (b) document analysis (i.e., analysis of articles from a daily university publication, newspaper articles, posted signs, and student poetry); and, following Oakley (1981), (c) audiotaped unstructured, "gendered" interviews (Fontana & Frey, 1994, p. 369). The latter take into account that (a) interviews take place within the parameters of a patriarchal social system in which masculine identities are distinguished from those which are feminine, and (b) knowledge Is subjective and shaped by gender. Eschewing 84 dichotomous choices, this method of interviewing repudiates the traditional hierarchical interviewing situation, advocates the development of a closer relationship between the interviewer and participant, and asks open-ended questions, thereby encouraging participants to diverge from the routine order of questioning. Investigators are also permitted to show their human side, express feelings, and to reciprocate by answering participants' questions. Serving as my primary source of information, these interviews largely followed a conversational format, rather than a formal protocol. Students were encouraged to avoid any kind of self- censorship and to speak openly about their lived experiences. I began the first few interviews with the following general statement and then refined questions as the study progessed: I would like you to tell me about your experience of being an LGB student In Texas. Tell me about the things that you found difficult or stressful, as well as the positive experiences you may have had. I would also like to hear about how you coped with being gay in heterosexist schools and what you think schools may have done to make you feel more comfortable or better supported. You may just want to start with your earliest recollections and work forward to the present, but any way you choose to tell your tale is fine.

Data Analysis As Sears (1991, p. 432) noted, "The qualitative inquirer begins with general questions and, as data are collected and analyzed, develops and refines specific research hypotheses and further data collection strategies." According to Prus (1994), one 85 of symbolic interactions's major strengths is the merging of theory, method, and data, which are inseparable. As data collection and data analysis are inextricably linked in both symbolic interactionist and phenomenological investigations (van Manen, 1990), data analysis commenced with data collection. Indeed, Prus (1996) advocated that investigators reflexively examine their interpretation at every stage of the research process. To that end, I maintained a reflective journal of ideas, feelings, and responses that emerged during the period of data collection, which served to assist phenomenological reduction.

Isolating Thematic Statements After transcribing audiotaped conversations with participants, reviewing my fieldnotes, and examining related written materials, 1 conducted a thematic analysis, following van Manen's approach to phenomenological reflection (1984). In multiple readings of the transcribed, taped conversations, I first employed the line-by-line approach and subsequently the highlighting approach to isolate salient thematic statements and to identify recurring thoughts, themes, and patterns of belief. To augment phenomenological reflection, I gleaned thematic descriptions from artistic, literary, and archival sources (van Manen, 1984) and subsequently attempted to pattern-match the essence of my participants' experiences with the quintessential descriptions offered by a variety of writers (Yin, 1994). 86

Rhoads' (1995) contended that creation of categories based on the statistical occurence of specific key phrases is an inappropriate interpretive strategy in an LGB study. Following Rhoads (1995), I depended on my own interpretation of statements framed by the context in which they were situated (e.g., elementary school, middle school/junior high, high school, and college/the university) to make inferences about their importance. Acknowledging the subjectivity inherent in this procedure and remaining alert to issues of representation that are discussed in the following paragraphs, Rhoads (1995), as did I, employed an advisory panel of lesbigays, as well as used a collaborative approach, to counteract irresponsible subjectivity.

Issues of Representation Writers have argued about whether researchers positioned in the dominant group should conduct investigations into the social realities of a subordinate group (e.g., McLaren, 1991; Richardson, 1988, 1991). With regard to LGB research, considerable controversy has ensued over the qualitative investigator's role in studying diverse others, as well as issues of her or his posltionality, defined as the social position of the knower (for a discussion In reference to gay research, refer to Jensen, 1997; Rhoads, 1997a, 1997b). In mainstream American society, heterosexuality is a privileged status and thus one's position as a heterosexual researcher exploring the lived experiences of LGB students who are situated as members of a 87

nonprivileged minority group must be examined. The assumption underlying this debate is that the identity or posltionality of the researcher (i.e., class status, ethnicity, gender, race, and, in the case of this research, sexual orientation) colors the type of research findings, the way In which the narrative is structured, and the manner in which 'the other' is represented (Jensen, 1997; Peshkin, 1988, 1991; Rhoads, 1997a).3 Of particular concern to my own research was the role my position as a heterosexual played in investigating the social realities of lesbigays, the invisible minority (Rhoads, 1997a). Drawing from Freirian pedagogy In his study of coming out and identity development in gay college students (Freire, 1970), Rhoads (1997a) employed a collaborative approach, with the researcher and his participants at various times serving as teacher and learner. Additionally, as a response to these issues of posltionality, Rhoads (1997a) created a 7-member student advisory panel who could direct his research, provide feedback, and offer suggestions and assistance in the interpretation of data. Borrowing from Rhoads (1995), I sought volunteers from the Lambda Social Network to serve on an advisory panel. Nine LGB adults, many of whom had graduate degrees, agreed to read the first draft of Chapter IV to evaluate the various themes, interpretations, and writings and to validate that my thematic analysis represented a responsible account of LGB lived experiences within Texas educational institutions. This is further 88 discussed in the last section of this chapter, which addresses the trustworthiness of this investigation. Due to the qualitative nature of this study, the identified categories and themes reflect the sociocultural factors specific to my participants and therefore lack generallzability in the traditional sense. However, they nonetheless represent some of the lived experiences that some students encounter in the Texas educational system, as well as some of their coping efforts.

Creating Individual Maps Afer gaining a sense of the data, employing the line-by line and highlighting approaches to isolate salient themes, and labeling and clustering the themes, I devised what Hunisett (1986) called a map for each participant (see Figure 3.2). Each map summarized the three general areas of interest in the lived experiences of LGB students, depicted in three concentric circles: stressors, emotional states/feelings, and coping responses. The innermost circle represents the stressors the participant faced as a consequence of heterosexism, the middle circle depicts his or her emotional responses to these stressors and the outer circle highlights his or her efforts to cope with the stress of heterosexism. These maps allow the viewer to see at a glance these three areas with regard to heterosexism. The maps also offered a systematic way of confirming that all key stressors, emotional responses, and coping efforts were identified during thematic analysis. As noted by 89

Identification Code_ Name Age Major

Figure 3.2. A Participant Map of Stressors, Emotional States/ Feelings, and Coping Responses. 90

Hunisett (1986), distortion and omission of meaningful themes is minimized by the establishment of systematic methods of confirming and reconfirming that all germane data is included in the text. By drawing maps and then verifying that each stressor, emotional response, and coping effort also appeared in the list of themes, greater accuracy was ensured.

Trustworthiness Regarding the trustworthiness of this study, there follows a discussion of the analogues for the traditional posltivist terms of reliability and validity. These include four terms more appropriate to qualitative inquiry: Credibility, transferability, dependability, and confirmability.

Credibility According to Guba and Lincoln (1982), internal validity, or credibility, "is best demonstrated through an isomorphism or verisimilitude between the data of inquiry and the phenomenon those data represent" (p. 246). However, this isomorphism is not directly accessible to the qualitative investigator. Thus, following the suggestions of Guba and Lincoln (1982), I continually tested for and safeguarded against the loss of credibility via prolonged engagement in the LGB subculture, persistent observation of LGB groups, triangulation, peer debriefings, and member checks, whereby participants are asked to confirm both the credibility of the data 91 and the phenomenological reflection. The latter two safeguards were particularly germane to this inquiry. I tested my growing insight in reference to LGB coping with gay colleagues and professionals, who offered advice with regard to important methodological considerations in the emergent design and with whom I shared personal feelings, as well as anxieties and stresses pertaining to the study. Because, following Rhoads (1994, 1991a), I intended for this research to be collaborative in nature, member checks served as an important means of ensuring credibility. These member checks were used to determine if participants found my analysis, formulations, and interpretations credible. In addition to my participants, members of an advisory panel of nine lesbigays from the Lambda Social Network had the opportunity to provide feedback as to whether I represented LGB students appropriately in Chapter IV. As a final check, I compared the findings of this study with both the literature on coping and the phenomenological research on lesbigays.

Transferability Transferability, the qualitative analogue of external validity or generallzability, refers to the degree to which the findings of this study may have applicability with other participants or In other contexts (Guba & Lincoln, 1982). Transferability was accomplished through two means: (a) Purposive sampling "intended to maximize the range of information collected and to provide most stringent 92 conditions for theory grounding" (Guba & Lincoln, 1982, p. 248), and (b) thick description (Geertz, 1973). The latter details and examines the intents, purposes, meanings, contexts, conditions, and circumstances of action, as opposed to thin description, which simply relates the act itself (Denzin,!988). Of importance to this qualitative investigation. Sears (1991) noted: The power in qualitative data, however, lies not in the number of people interviewed but in the researcher's ability to know a few people well. The test of qualitative inquiry is not its unearthing of a seemingly endless multitude of unique individuals but illuminating the lives of a few well chosen individuals, (p. 433)

Consequently, preferring to utilize fewer participants, albeit examining each in greater depth, I illuminated the lived experiences of a few purposively selected LGB students by employing thick description. This was achieved through extensive and intensive immersion in the LGB student subculture over a period of a year and a half in order to develop theoretical sensitivity, as well as by using the tools of participant observation, indepth formal and informal conversational interviews, and document analysis (i.e., analysis of articles from a daily university publication, newspaper articles, posted signs, and student poetry). Thus, thick description, particularly in reference to stressors and coping efforts, provided data for the generation of hypotheses about coping strategies which could not be captured by existing instruments. 93

Dependability Due to the emergent design of qualitative inquiry, an exact replica of this study is impossible. However, dependability, the qualitative analogue of replicabllity, was ensured through an "audit trail." I have mintained a lose leaf notebook that provides access to all data, both raw and in the various process stages.

Confirmability As one focus of qualitative inquiry is subjectivity, intersubjective agreement, the goal of the posltivist paradigm, is unattainable. However, in qualitative research the onus of objectivity is transferred from the investigator to the data. Confirmability of my data was established by maintaining a reflective journal. I have also shown that my phenomenological reflections are both rational and significant through explication of my theoretical constructs, phenomenology and symbolic interaction.

Summary Symbolic interactionist and phenomenological approaches were used in this qualitative investigation of LGB lived experiences in order to capture the voices, feelings, and actions of LGB students as they coped with the world of heterosexual others, as well as their marginalization within educational institutions. This chapter addressed participant selection, which employed purposive, convenience selection and network/snowball sampling. Data 94 collection and data analysis, which were guided by van Manen's (1984; 1990) method of phenomenological inquiry, were discussed. Van Manen's (1984; 1990) method entails the dynamic interaction among four procedural activities, which include 11 steps. Next, this chapter described how I: (a) used personal experiences as a starting point in this investigation; (b) traced etymological sources, the origin and development of words used in the LGB subculture; (c) examined idiomatic phrases, common expressions associated with the lesbigay subculture; (d) obtained experiential descriptions from LGB participants through formal and informal converstional interviews; (e) located experiential descriptions in art, literature, music, and archival materials; and (f) consulted germane phenomenological literature regarding lesbigays. Turning last to the trustworthiness of this inquiry, this chapter addressed the analogues for the traditional posltivist terms of reliability and validity: Credibility, transferability, dependability, and confirmability. The steps taken to ensure trustworthiness of this investigation included prolonged engagement In the LGB subculture, persistent observation of LGB groups, triangulation, peer debriefings, member checks, and the maintenance of a reflective journal over the course of a year and a half. 95

Notes

1 Underlined words and phrases can be found in the Appendix A, Glossary, where, in addition to definitions, germane information is provided.

2For example, poets/essayists such as W. H. Auden, Joseph Beam, Essex Hemphill, Audre Lorde, and Walt Whitman; films such as Paris is burning. My own private Idaho. The priest. Kiss me Guido, M. Butterfly, and The oblect of my affection.

3As I noted at the beginning of Chapter I, following the work of Peshkin (1988, 1991), I address in Appendix B my own subjectivity, as well as issues of identity and posltionality, that had a bearing on this investigation of heterosexism within Texas educational institutions. CHAPTER IV A PHENOMENOLOGICAL ACCOUNT OF THE DAILY SCHOOL EXPERIENCES OF LGB STUDENTS IN TEXAS

Introduction Referring to heterosexist schools and educators, Jason,i a 25- year-old gay student opined, "The whole problem is they don't think. It stems from a lack of knowledge completely." In this chapter, participants tell their tales so that educators may hear, learn, and know about the lived experiences of lesbian, gay, and bisexual (LGB) students in Texas. Participants describe the stressors they have encountered due to heterosexism both in and out of the academy. Moreover, participants provide accounts of trying hard to hide their affectional-erotic orientation, the lies they felt compelled to tell, the distress of involuntary outings.2 and, in some cases, stories of how they managed to "live to tell," as Christian put it, beyond suicide attempts.3 Listening to their words, educators may begin to "understand," in Molly's words, "the complications ... the tears, and the fear, and the pain, and the happiness, and the pride" of being a gay student in Texas. After briefly describing the diversity among participants, this chapter provides a phenomenological account of the daily school experiences of LGB students in West Texas, focusing in particular on the heterosexism they encountered within Texas educational

96 97 institutions. Because both phenomenology and symbolic interaction served as the theoretical underpinnings of this study, much of this chapter will consist of "thick description" (Geertz, 1973, p. 3), which refers to "description that goes beyond the mere or bare reporting of an act (thin description), but describes and probes the intentions, motives, meanings, contexts, situations, and circumstances of action" (Denzin, 1988, p. 39). In describing the LGB students' lived experiences, I have remained as close as possible to the participants' own words in order to capture their "voices, emotions, and actions" (Denzin, 1992, p. xvi).

Diversity Among Participants Participants varied in the quantity and quality of information they shared, as well as their personal characteristics. Substantial variation existed from interview to interview, with some yielding more data than others. Several of the 14 participants (e.g.. Christian, Jason, and Nigel) had been labeled homosexual, queer, or faggot early on in elementary school and, as a consequence, endured considerable long-term heterosexism. Thus, these students, along with Bryan and Mark, had lengthy, elaborate tales to tell. On the other hand, other participants (e.g., Andrew, Corey, Jonathan, and Julian) were assumed to be and 'passed' as heterosexual throughout most of their academic careers, sometimes up through college. Thus, these students experienced considerably less heterosexism and consequently their stories were far shorter and less detailed. 98

As will be discussed later in Chapter V, the rainbow symbol, so often brandished during students' "pride stage" of homosexual identity formation (Cass, 1979), is an appropriate metaphorical expression for the biographical sketches that follow. The "prism" (Sears, 1991, p. 6) of LGB lived experiences reflects many hues and thus LGB students in this study did not speak with one voice. Existing at one end of the spectrum were what Tierney (1997) has referred to as assimilationists, those minimizing the differences between heterosexuals and themselves and accentuating their similarities with the mainstream (e.g.. Christian and Jonathan). Desiring nothing more than to be accepted by and to become equal members of the prevailing culture, assimilationists wish to emulate the mainstream culture. For example. Christian confided, "My fantasy is a husband and a house, a dog, cuddling at night, watching a movie together on the couch, doing yard work together." Jonathan, who outwardly has all the earmarks of a heterosexual male, told me that he was uncomfortable with and had an "aversion [to] being associated with" "the real feminine, you know, the real gueen types" of gay men. At the opposite end of the spectrum, the voices of the less moderate, 'In your face' genre (e.g., Corey and Kelly) emerged, those who have personally adopted the slogan, "We're here, we're gueer. get used to it!." For example, along with her other pride apparel, Kelly delighted in wearing a shirt that said 'I'm not gay but my girlfriend is' and in walking through the mall holding hands with her 99 partner. In addition to occupying different positions on the conservative-liberal gay cultural continuum, participants reflected a variety of Cass' (1979) developmental stages, some students having been out for years, while others were cautiously exploring the world beyond the closet at the time of the interviews. To lend some coherence to the aforementioned diversity among participants, this chapter on the lived experiences of LGB students is presented according to academic chronology: elementary school, middle school/junior high, high school, and institutions of higher education. One reason for this chronological organization is that distinct themes emerged and will be explicated at each of these four different academic levels. Altogether, however, in the process of relating their lived experiences participants illuminated 26 stressors, which are summarized in Table 4.1. In addition, as summarized in Table 4.2, participants reported 29 emotional reactions to these stressors.

Lived Experiences of LGB Students Much of the next three subsections on the lived experiences of LGB students during elementary, middle/junior high, and high schools will focus on three participants, raised in three distinct sections of the state: Christian from Southeast Texas, Jason from West Texas, and Nigel from North Central Texas. Because these three students collectively reflect nearly all of the stressors highlighted by participants, unique case selection was employed 100

Table 4.1. Summary of stressors reported by LGB participants.

PARTICIPANTS

STRESSORS And Bar Bri Bry Chr Cor Dan

Being different X Breakups X Coming out X X Communal showers X Concealing homosexuality Counseling/counselor X Derogation of gays X X Destruction of property, X actual/threatened First love X Isolation/loneliness X Jail, due to DUI Labeling X X Lack of knowledge/info X Loss of friendship XXX actual/threatened Loss, other misc. X XX Moving X X Observational learning Outing X X Physical assault(s), actual X Physical assaults, threat of XX Rejection by family X Related to religion X XX X Societal hatred X Stereotyping X Verbal harassment X X Within gay community X

Note. Participants are listed by the first three letters of their pseudonyms: Andrew, Barbara, Brian, Bryan, Christian, Corey, Daniel. 101

Table 4.1. Continued.

PARTICIPANTS

STRESSORS Jas Jon Jul Kel Mar Mol Nig

Being different X X Breakups X X X Coming out X X X Communal showers X X Concealing homosexuality X Counseling/counselor X Derogation of gays X Destruction of property, actual/threatened First love X Isolation/loneliness X X Jail, due to DUI X Labeling X X Lack of knowledge/info X X X X X Loss of friendship, X X X actual/threatened Loss, other misc. X Moving Observational learning X X Outing X Physical assault(s), actual X Physical assaults, threat of X Rejection by family Related to religion X X Societal hatred X X Stereotyping Verbal/written harassment Within gay community

Note. Participants are listed by the first three letters of their pseudonyms: Jason, Jonathan, Julian, Kelly, Mark, Molly, Nigel. 102

Table 4.2. Summary of feelings reported by LGB participants.

PARTICIPANTS

FEELINGS OF .. . And Bar Bri Bry Chr Cor Dan acceptance X X anger X X anxiety X betrayal confusion X X X X courage X depression X X discomfort X X discouragement distress X embarassment excitement X fear X X X X frustration X grief guilt happiness humiliation X intimidation X isolation/loneliness X jealousy low self-esteem X misery X nervousness XX X pain/hurt X pride XXX resentment X sadness/crying X self-pity

Note. Participants are listed by the first three letters of their pseudonyms: Andrew, Barbara, Brian, Bryan, Christian, Corey, Daniel. 103

Table 4.2. Continued.

PARTICIPANTS

FEELINGS OF.. . Jas Jon Jul Kel Mar Mol Nig

acceptance X anger X XX anxiety betrayal X X confusion X X courage depression X XX discomfort X X discouragement X X distress X embarassment X excitement fear X XX frustration grief X guilt X happiness X XX humiliation intimidation X X isolation/loneliness X X X X jealousy X low self-esteem misery X nervousness pain/hurt pride X X resentment X sadness/crying X X self-pity X

Note. Participants are listed by the first three letters of their pseudonyms: Jason, Jonathan, Julian, Kelly, Mark, Molly, Nigel. 104

later in the study (LeCompte & Preissle, 1993), particularly at the stage of phenomenological writing. By focusing primarily on these cases, my intent is to provide a deeper understanding of the nature of the daily school experiences for these three LGB students. However, where applicable, voices of other participants are cited for corroboration or particular emphasis.

Elementary School Three major themes emerged with regard to preschool and elementary school: (a) participants' early attraction to persons of the same sex; (b) the early labeling of participants as homosexual, often resulting in feelings of loneliness and isolation; and (c) the role both teachers and students played in maintaining strict gender boundaries.

Early Same-Sex Attraction Comprising a first theme, participants described their early awareness of being attracted to individuals of the same sex and, as a consequence, feeling "different" from their classmates. As discussed below, participants' frequent accounts of homoattract/on (i.e., mere attraction because they were not yet aware of sexuality) in early childhood, sometimes beginning in the preschool years, quickly dispelled the prevailing assumption that only adults are lesbigays. For example, Jason told me that when he was first 105 attracted to males, "... sex and sexuality: it was never even on my mind at that point." LGB Children: Homosexuality as a Province of Childhood. From his "earliest memories," Andrew recalled being attracted to men: "When I was a little kid, I saw Star Wars for the first time. ... I had crushes on Luke and Han Solo ... I think I was three at the time." Andrew continued, "For most of my life I thought, 'Well, yeah. I'm attracted to men, but after I graduate college, I'll get married and have kids and all that.'" In a similar manner, Bryan, who from early on "noticed men on t.v.," told me, "I was really always attracted to men." Bryan elaborated, "You always know that you are different from the other kids, but you don't know gay or straight . . . because you're just a little kid ... I don't know how to explain, but gay and lesbian people say you know." Bryan described how he always felt like an "outsider." As a self-described "multiculturalist" "interested in foreign languages," Bryan remembered, "I always had friends from different cultures, different countries." Examining this in retrospect, Bryan concluded that his multiculturalism was an effort to cope with his difference: "And I thought of that and maybe it was because they were also outsiders." He explained, "I know now that I've known as far back as I can remember that I'm gay." Similarly, Mark told me, "I knew I was basically gay all my life if I look back at it, but I didn't realize It until I was a freshman In high school ... But if I look back, I realize, yeah, it's been there all my life." Likewise, Nigel disclosed, "I guess I always knew." Yet, his 106

"freshman, sophomore year in high school" was probably when Nigel first started "saying, 'Okay, this would make me gay" Daniel, too, reported same-sex attractions originating in the early years while playing soccer and Little League baseball. Yet, at the time Daniel "didn't know what 'gay' meant." However, he told me, "I can say I had the same emotional bonds toward men as I do now," but "it hadn't evolved to a point where it was sexual. Later in life—like when I reached junior high—the feelings became sexual, but the basic bond was always there." Daniel described how he intermittently styled Barbie's hair and arranged her furniture with the girls between playing on the soccer field. Although he never cared for sports, he nonetheless played most of them "just because the boys were there." Daniel disclosed, "I remember waking up one morning in elementary school hoping that a certain boy would be there because I wanted to see him. I wanted to be around him. I liked the way he talked, dressed, played." Barbara experienced the opposite side of the coin: "I can remember like being really young and being attracted to girls and I also hung out with more guys. They were easier to talk to than girls. I got nervous around girls." Similarly, Molly recalled, "When I was younger on recess or whatever, I had more guy friends than girlfriends . . . and so, I chased the girls with the guys." Kelly related, "The earliest I can remember, I was in third grade and I remember having crushes on like the girls Instead of guys. And when they were looking at the boys, I was looking at the girls. And I've 107 known since then." Thus, all three female participants reported early same-sex attractions. Not only did many participants have an early awareness of same-sex attraction or "being different," but several described how they were initially stigmatized as much for their perceived violation of gender norms and "difference" as for their erotic behaviors. For example, Jason, who had not yet even thought of sex, was stigmatized because all his "friends were girls and" he "didn't do much with guys" and because he "wasn't good at sports." Several other male participants cited lack of interest in sports as the reason for their stigmatlzatlon. As discussed in the next section, participants reported that educators and students alike kept tight reins on what constituted appropriate gender behavior.

Early Labeling as 'Homosexual' A number of participants reported that they were tagged as a homosexual or faggot early on, yet none understood the meaning of these labels. For example, Corey recalled, "A couple of times in 4th grade, these girls asked me if I was gay ... I didn't know what it was." Molly told me, "I was really naive until I got to high school. I had heard the word gay and lesbian, but I didn't know what they mean[t] ... I had absolutely no clue what they meant." Christian, Jason, and Nigel all had a sense that 'faggot' was a "bad," "derogatory" term prior to grasping its true definition. 108

Christian. Christian recalled from his elementary school experiences, "... every time it played back in my mind growing up, it was slowed down like a bad movie track: 'H-o-m-o-s-e-x-u-a-l.'" Christian first heard this word when he was labeled 'homosexual' by school personnel in second grade at the age of seven or eight. "I still to this day have dreams about elementary school, things that I did then. I can remember the layout of the playground . . . there was this huge green contraption we'd call the 'green machine' that had monkey bars and a slide on it and rings." At that time, a favorite playground activity entailed the boys chasing the girls, or vice versa, around the "green machine." Once caught, the victim was held down and kissed. Christian recalled, "I could outrun most of the girls," so it would end up "me chasing the boys. So, after a while I just started kissing them [the boys], too ... 1 knew that kissing the boys then was more fun than kissing the girls ... but I can remember getting decked by a few boys." Christian continued, "I started missing a lot of recess." When I asked if the teachers kept him in from recess. Christian replied, "Oh, they wouldn't keep you in. They sat you on the sidewalk so you could watch everybody play. Yes, you could play if you were a good boy." Moreover, "they'd call my mother in for a conference and I remember sitting In the principal's office and hearing the principal tell my mother, 'Your son might be a homosexual.'" H-O-M-O-S-E-X-U-A-L resounded in Christian's head as a young student. 109

Although he had no idea what that word meant, during his visits to the principal's office Christian received the implicit message that homosexuality "was wrong in their opinion." However, no one bothered, neither principal nor parents, to explain to Christian the actual connotation of the word homosexual, so freely spoken in his presence. Christian had not heard this word at home, because his "parents only referred to 'faggots' and 'queers.'" In fact. Christian recalled: Every time I'd ask my mother what it meant, she would slap me. So I had a really bad impression of homosexuals . . . After a while you get so used to getting smacked when you say that word that I put the word out of my mind and now I only associate it with 'faggot' and 'queer' and very nellie people that would be portrayed on t.v., movies, and stuff. So, it wasn't until high school that I knew that homosexual was a word for what / was.

Jason. Jason's labeling occurred somewhat later than Christian's. Sixth grade was the first time Jason "ever dealt with being called a 'faggot'" and he "didn't know what it even meant." Jason was labeled . . . because all my friends were girls and I didn't do much with guys. I wanted to hang out with the guys, but I was intimidated by the guys. So I know that's why they called me [faggot] ... I know that's how it started. I didn't do anything really effeminate in the sense of playing dolls or anything like that, but on the playground I hung out with girls. I ate lunch with the girls and that's how it started from there. And I wasn't good at sports.

Despite the fact that Jason was known to participate in the "male no

ritual" of hunting with his dad and cousin, this labeling stuck. Although not understanding exactly what 'faggot' meant, Jason "knew it was something derogatory," which embarrassed him. Nigel. "The 5th grade was the first time" Nigel "ever got called a 'faggot." Like Christian and Jason, Nigel was ignorant as to its meaning. Nigel explained to me, "1 really didn't know what that was. And I told my teacher because, obviously, it was a bad name, 'faggot.'" Receiving no information from the teacher, Nigel went home and asked his older brother its significance, explaining that he had been called 'faggot' at school. This revelation provided his brother with "more fuel for the fire" and as Nigel told me, "I was called 'Queer Babe' by him for the rest of my life as I know it." Nigel explained, "He told me what it was . . . that fags was [sic] guys who fuck guys, basically. He used that language." Nigel disclosed why he was labeled at such an early age: "I was experimenting with another kid my age, who[m] they already suspected. And, you know, obviously if I was best friends with him, I was suspected, too. You know, 'guilt by association.'" "Guilt by association" is a common phrase specifically mentioned by a number of participants (e.g., Jason, Molly, and Nigel). This refers to the frequent assumption that because one associates with a gay person, one must be gay, too. Teachers may even further extend this guilt by association. Molly overheard one of her teachers saying that because she was friends with Christian "that made [her] a bad student." Ill

About this time in 5th grade, Nigel got into a little skirmish while in a line at school. As Nigel described it, "Someone called me a fag and they were very conclusive that I was a fag and that I needed to be taken care of and maybe a punch in the nose was going to fix me." Trying to defend himself, Nigel blocked a punch and "didn't block very well." Laughing, Nigel recalled, "I got my nose bloodied, because I'm not much of a fighter. I'm a gueen. self- described queen. Queen. I don't like fighting." According to Nigel, the other child was reprimanded, which "stopped the actual hitting," but "it didn't stop the teasing and all the name-calling." Nigel's reaction to this labeling was to socially withdraw. In his words: "From the 5th grade when they started doing that I started closing up to people. I didn't want to be around all these people, because everybody seemed to know something I didn't know. And, you know, I was being accused and I felt awful about it." The aforementioned disclosures were associated with considerable uneasiness. Nigel recognized this as he lit up one cigarette after another during the interview (e.g., "as I light up my next cigarette"). Nigel admitted that recollections of his early school years caused discomfort: "I blocked out quite a bit of it. I don't really like to talk about it too much, you know. It's just a bad experience." Thoits (1991a, 1991b) referred to this cognitive coping strategy as "thought stopping" (1991a, p. 137). Document analysis Indicated that others besides Christian, Jason, and Nigel were targets of early labeling and physical 112 assaults. In locating experiential descriptions in literature in order to develop my practical insight as advocated in van Manen's (1984) fifth step of generating data, I discovered a letter to the editor of the Dallas Morning News written by Victor Shea (1994), who attended elementary school in West Texas. Responding in his letter to those people who would suggest that the 1993 Massachusetts Board of Education ban of discrimination against LGB students furthers the "homosexual agenda," Shea (1994, p. 4) told his own tale: When I was a small boy in Levelland, Texas, I did not know what a homosexual was, much less realize I was one. I did enjoy playing jump rope and I sometimes wanted to play with the dolls my older sisters got to play with. That is probably when I started being called a sissy and found that some of the other boys enjoyed attacking me physically simply because I was the sissy. I had no other agenda other than to somehow get through each day. I remember experiencing terrible attacks of nausea every day while waiting for the school bus. I even had teachers who referred to me derogatorily to the other students.

My findings corroborate Shea's narrative. Little has changed and the more recent experiences of Christian, Jason, and Nigel are similar to those of Shea. Loneliness and Isolation. Those participants who were labeled early in their life reported feelings of loneliness and isolation. For example, Nigel recalled, "I didn't have any one to talk to." Nigel felt he couldn't talk to his friend with whom he was experimenting because "It was a touchy situation and kids can be strange about 113 that." He also informed me, "I didn't want to talk to my mom because I felt it was a bad thing and she didn't need to know." Jason, too, did not want to talk to his mother becauser he did not want to cause her to worry. This theme of Isolation and loneliness was recurrent and resurfaces in later lived experiences. Gender Role Gatekeeping. Because school personnel considered that Christian was inappropriately displaying affection for same- sex peers (i.e., the 'wrong' sex), they labeled him as 'homosexual' in second grade, long before any sexual feelings stirred. Molly described the opposite side of the coin: "When I was younger on recess ... I chased the girls with the guys and I thought nothing of it until the teacher told me, 'You shouldn't be doing that,' you know. And I was like, 'Why?' you know. It never dawned on me." Participants described how educators, intolerant of differences, attempted to get their students to toe the line of gender conformity. This is exemplified in the following excerpt from an interview with Andrew: A: I do have this one story, uh, about this drag queen I know in El Paso. Uhm, when he was in elementary school . . . let's see how can I . . . he is the most feminine thing you can see. I mean, just really out there. But when he was like in sixth grade or something like that, his teacher had him and a girl go up to the front of the class and both walk across the class. And then she said to the class, "Which one walks the way they are supposed to?" G: (Astounded) Oh, oh, OH!!! A: I know. It's like, God, how can she be so cruel, you know? And he has the most swiveling hips and everything, so that really upset him. 114

Middle School/Junior High The emergence of sexuality was one major theme that was characteristic of middle school/junior high. At this time, students who were perceived by their peers as being lesbigay were frequently subject to the considerable stress of physical/verbal harassment. A second theme, victim blame, first surfaced in accounts of lived experiences at the middle school/junior high level.

The Emergence of Sexuality Recall that while participants recounted early homoatfract/on, they nonetheless reported little awareness of sexuality during elementary school. Thus, the sexual experiences and sexual experimentation reported by Nigel and Daniel were atypical during the elementary years. For other participants awareness of sexuality and their sexual orientation began to dawn during the middle school/junior high years. For Jason, sex and sexuality started late in his sixth grade year, "but it happened more in junior high that I started feeling sexual attraction toward guys, but I thought it would go away. And it didn't." Similarly, Bryan revealed, "I knew that I was attracted to other men, but I thought, you know, 'Well, I might outgrow that. I might just, you know, be a late bloomer, so to speak." Daniel related: At that age, I think I actually read the textbook definition of homosexual. And at first it was like, "No, that's not me. Sounds like me, but it can't be me." And it wasn't until the latter part of junior high that I finally had to come to terms 115

with it: "Uh, yes, this is me. This is how I act. This is how I feel."

During the middle school/junior high years nearly all participants sought to conceal their homosexuality. Those LGB students who could not or chose not to wear the "mask" of heterosexuality (Hemphill, 1991. p. xv) or don the straight "costume" (Beam, 1991, p. 261), two phrases that I came across in locating experiential descriptions in literature, frequently proved to be targets of physical and verbal harassment as described below.

Assaults In junior high, Jason was routinely harassed by classmates in a physical education (PE) class: Oh, my gosh, they were horrible. I remember once this really big guy hit me in the chest as hard as he could and knocked the breath out of me and I was black. My chest was black. The coach didn't do a thing. The coach didn't care. It didn't matter. Again, my mom had to go up to the school and say, "You've got a problem." And what he had me do is clean the locker room and showers.

Interpreting this as victim blame and therefore incredulous, I said, "But that's kind of . . . that's punishment^'' Jason responded, "It was. But, you know, I was happier cleaning the friggin' shower than I was being out with [classmates]." Shea (1994) had similar problems in junior high PE classes "when coaches would sit in their offices which had windows into the gym while those few of us considered the outcasts were intimidated and brutalized by older and/or more manly boys" (p. 4). 116

Shea stressed that not only was a description of the cruelty unfit for print in the Dallas Morning News, but, as voiced by many of my participants, "there was no one to turn to." Like Jason, Shea (1994, p. 4) wrote of his own experience with victim blame: Being a sissy was considered my own fault and was such a despicable sin in the judgmental West Texas of the '60s that even some of my own family began to treat me with disdain . . . I was 37 before I finally realized that the attack was not my own fault and that I should not have been victimized for simply being a gentle, somewhat feminine boy.

Verbal Harassment Fortunately, Jason was the only participant that was physically assaulted in the middle school/junior high years. However, name-calling was the metier of students during the middle years of schooling. Brian: "They'll find someone else to pick on." Brian recalled: In middle school I was a little, bitty, scrawny kid . . . Well, there were these guys that would always taunt me. I mean, always. You know, call me a 'faggot' and everything and things like that. And so I told my mom one day and she went up and talked to the principal, you know, and the one thing that I remember the principal saying was that, "Oh, this will pass, you know. They'll find someone else to pick on.'' [italics added] . . . Now that I look back on that, I don't think that was really the right approach.

I asked Brian what he would have done had he been the principal and he responded, "I would have definitely sat them down and helped 117

them realize how it might have felt, you know, to say those things to somebody else, because it wasn't exactly a great feeling." Christian: Acerbic Retorts. Compared to his high school experiences that ensued. Christian's middle school experiences were largely uneventful: Just a bunch of talking . . . just the basic, you know, boys talking boys—'fag,' 'queer' and that kind of thing. I just always assumed that meant the effeminate, 'nellie', if you would, kind of guy. I knew that wasn't me, so that really didn't bother me.

Besides, by his own account. Christian had already developed "a pretty sharp kind of tongue" if "someone shot their mouth off to [him]." Returning to this point on numerous occasions during our conversations, he elaborated: "That was my defense—I developed a really sarcastic tongue. I'm really smart-mouthed now and I can put most anybody in their place or most anybody on guard if I don't want them too close to me." The one thing that puzzled Christian in junior high, however, was that "you couldn't curse at someone at school, but you could call them a 'fag' or a 'queer' and that's totally acceptable." A number of other participants also commented on this. For example, Bryan recalled how heterosexist insults, jokes, and language were overlooked by school personnel, "whereas if you get a racial comment that would be like 'to the principal's office', you know." Bryan suggested that teachers are uncomfortable in dealing with heterosexist epithets because if "you're Anglo and you defend someone who's Black, no one is going to say, 'Oh well you must be 118

Black.' But if you were to defend a group of gays and lesbians, they might call your sexuality into question." Later on Bryan reiterated, "So teachers maybe don't want to be too hard with people saying 'fag' because they don't want to make people question their own sexuality, you know." Jason: Recipient of Homebound Tutoring. When Jason was in 9th grade, his father suffered a heart attack. As a consequence of his dad's illness, Jason's family moved from their home to an apartment, changing school districts in the process. In addition to this family turmoil, Jason experienced considerable persecution at his new junior high. Jason suggested that he was particularly targeted because he was the new kid and quite shy in nature. "Taunting there was terrible," Jason told me. "It was terrible. I was truly miserable. I cried constantly. It was just horrible." He added, "They were unrelenting." Jason recalled that as an aftermath of this verbal harassment, "I got severe headaches to the point where they put me in the hospital." Consequently, he received homebound tutoring the entire second semester of 9th grade. Nigel: Clever Avoidance. Also the target of verbal harassment during the middle school years, Nigel described how this was done: The 6th grade teasing would involve people as I walked down the hall and it was like you could hear me coming because all of the voices, "Nigel. Hey, Nigel." And they would do it in this really faggy, nerdy voice. I don't understand why they did it. It was really strange. It was just a good way of making fun of me.

Since he discovered that, due to less supervision, taunting was 119 worse outside the building on the school grounds, Nigel "didn't want to go outside" and was given refuge in the room of Mrs. Henry, his homeroom/English teacher, during both 6th and 7th grades. Nigel disclosed, "She knew about all the teasing . . . She was one of those kindred spirits in school . . . She was always very understanding toward me. She would always be supportive of me." She also stood out as one of the teachers who would intervene to tell the students their behavior was wrong. According to Nigel, "I was not going to be anywhere—intentionally—where people, you know, could do stuff that was going to be detrimental to me." The following year in 8th grade, Nigel discovered another solution. He became a library aid during lunch to avoid his tormentors, who could then "move on to the next kid or so they suspected."

High School According to participants, the heterosexism they encountered during middle/junior high school was both relatively brief and comparatively benign. In contrast, participants reported experiencing extensive academic, social, and familial marginalization as a consequence of secondary schools in Texas. Hence, the following tales are far more lengthy and complex. Verbal and physical harassment, as well as involuntary outing, emerged as themes and were the most commonly cited stressors during high school. 120

Verbal Harassment Nearly every participant mentioned either being the target of or witnessing verbal harassment during high school, most often from their peers. As previously mentioned, verbal harassment was neither a stranger to LGB students in elementary or middle/junior high schools. However, qualitative differences emerged during secondary school, with harassment assuming new and, as Nigel worded it, more "imaginative" forms that may even include an additional layer of oppression. Multiple Layers of Oppression. Nigel recounted how classmates "made fun of" one of his friends, Antonio, who "still to this day" is "very closeted." Antonio, an Hispanic, "was friends with this guy named Rich Babbitt, who is not gay. But everybody thought [so] because they were always together in high school . . . They were both on the golfing team, they stayed in the same room, blah, blah, blah." At that time, a popular commercial for Trix cereal featured "the Trix rabbit" ("silly rabbit") informing its audience that "Trix are for kids." A heterosexist take off on this commercial evolved and passed readily among students: "Dicks are for chicks." One of Nigel's "rather imaginative" classmates, tailoring this take off to include a further layer of oppression, came up with the jingle: "Silly Babbitt. Dicks are for chicks, not Spies." Of note, this expression remains safely in the repertoire of heterosexist students. Just this past semester Barbara was sitting In a large college lecture hall with tiered seating during an end of the 121 semester "prank." The professor, whom students suspect as gay, had just begun his lecture when a student poked his head in the door at the top of the auditorium, yelled in, "Hey, Prof, dicks are for chicks," and promptly vanished. Ignoring the outburst, the professor made no comment as he continued with lecture. Barbara related, "It was immature . . . like 7th grade."

Involuntary Outing Given the stress that verbal harassment inflicts upon its targets, many participants wanted nothing more than to remain closeted in order to avoid what they have observed done to others. Yet, this option is destroyed with outing. According to Stewart (1995), outing is making a person's homosexuality public against his or her will, thus violating the individual's right to privacy. Revealing someone's homosexuality imposes the stigma of homosexuality on an individual against his or her wishes (Garnets & Kimmel, 1993). LGB students who were outed were "not ready for the fall" (Madonna & Leonard, 1990). "I had gone three semesters basically closeting myself with just a few people knowing," Mark recalled, "and then all of a sudden this one girl knows, swears up and down she's not going to say anything to anybody, [and] everybody finds out." Mark continued, "So she told everybody. She told my roommate, which was a Baptist preacher's son and probably never 122 saw alcohol before I moved in with him, he lived such a sheltered life." According to Mark and other participants, the threat of or actual outing ranks among their greatest stressors because outing, which can be either Intentional or inadvertent, places LGB students in a position of increased vulnerability. Not only are verbal and/or physical assaults more likely after being outed, but participants faced a greater probability of rejection by family, friends, and classmates. As noted by Bryan below, outing also strips lesbigays of personal control. Of note, stress Is negatively correlated with controllablility (Smith, 1993; Thoits, 1991b). In general, a situation is less stressful if an individual has a measure of control, whether real or perceived (Smith, 1993; Thoits, 1991b). Participants who were outed reported ramifications that ran the gamut from the victim being merely "pissed off," as was Bryan, to the severe repercussions of a domino effect eventuating in a suicide attempt, as in the case of Christian. Christian. In contrast to the relative benignity of his middle school years, "high school was that not-so-fun topic." Christian's ninth-grade biology teacher who "considered herself a liberated woman" covered sexual devlances, including a discussion of homosexuality along with necrophilia and bestiality. Christian remembered her telling the class that homosexuals "end up leading deplorable lives and are very promiscuous. Well, I had not had sex at this point ... but I was kind of distraught by what I heard, so I went 123 to my guidance counselor," Mrs. Perry, who asked a series of questions: Had I ever thought about suicide? Is my life going poorly? Does my family know? Well, no, I hadn't thought of suicide. My family didn't know. I figured if it was ever a issue I'd tell them after college because then I'd definitely, hopefully be able to support myself.

The counselor also asked Christian if he "ever had sex." When he replied, "No. I'm still a virgin," Mrs. Perry was considerably puzzled as to how it was possible then for Christian to consider himself to be gay. Christian left Mrs. Perry's office "feeling uncomfortable, but kind of good because" he had shared his secret. However, the visit to the counselor's office precipitated a snowballing series of psychosocial stressors, none of which Christian had anticipated. When Christian stepped off the school bus about 45 minutes later, his parents, who usually got home about 6:30 in the evening, were already home. As soon as Christian left her office, Mrs. Perry phoned his parents and informed them of the afternoon's conversation, effectively breaching confidentiality. Christian's stepmother offered to leave with his three younger siblings, so that Christian and his father could have a private discussion. When she left. Christian recalled: It was at this point that I got nervous because my father is very physically aggressive . . . and my father goes, 'So, I had a nice little talk with the guidance counselor today' and at that point my heart sank . . . way down to my stomach, and I thought I could reach down and pull It out of my toes if I wanted to. 124

As did Mrs. Perry, his father quizzed Christian, albeit considerably more graphically, regarding his sexual activity and, like Mrs. Perry, his father was unable to comprehend how Christian could be attracted to males and consider himself to be gay if he had never had sex with them. Christian's father was "already getting very mad and he kept going back and forth with, 'Well, I'm glad she told me because faggots are despicable' . . . and he wouldn't be surprised now if his 'faggoty son already had AIDS.'" At this point. Christian was calculating if he could escape his father's escalating anger: "I knew I could run—not very far though, because he could catch up in the house, I'm sure." Silent in contemplation for a number of seconds, Christian hesitantly resumed, "Well he showed me what faggots do. Let's put it this way—my father took a liberty he shouldn't have had." While this experience would have traumatized most 14-year- olds, it was only the beginning of a series of stressful events. Christian continued, "In front of the Sunday mass, I was brought in front of the church and they all came and touched me and prayed for God to exorcise the demons from my soul ... I was honestly really upset. I couldn't stop crying. I didn't know what was going on." I asked Christian, "Did you have any kind of support system you could turn to?" "At that point when I was put in front of the church," Christian answered, "I didn't know any other gay people ... I didn't know anybody yet... I mean, my parents had a very tight grasp and I had a very sheltered life." A week later, the preacher advised Christian's father that Christian had no desire to be heterosexual 125 and would "be the downfall of their family" and thus "it would be best if they just let [him go]." According to Christian, "my Dad sent me—packed up whatever he wanted me to have—to live with my grandparents" in another state. In other words, as Christian put it, he was "shipped off." Of particular note, Mrs. Perry's breach of confidentiality and the ensuing parental rejection served as the initial quake in his life, yet Christian experienced the aftershocks of her actions for years to come. As the intent of this study was to illuminate the lived experiences of LGB students within the Texas educational system and Christian was now expatriated from his family, friends, and familiar environment in Texas, what follows is a brief summary of Christian's out-of-state school experiences over the next three years. These events are germane, however because had Mrs. Perry honored the right of all students to confidentiality. Christian's lived experiences during the latter part of high school would most likely have taken a different path.4 Having been a student in a large city school district. Christian was faced with adjusting to a considerably more rural school setting. His dress was different from that of the other students: "The kids wore like jeans and a little preppie shirt." In contrast. Christian had been a member of the "New Wavers" who wore "combat boots" and dressed all in black. Thus, Christian's appearance set him apart and left him open to derision and persecution. "In the beginning it was your name on the bathroom 126

wall," but later other students would gang up, corner Christian, and rough him up as detailed in the discussion of physical assaults below. Molly: Vicarious Learning. LGB students frequently reported that they would search for clues in the experiences of other students about the safety of coming out. For example, when Christian was rejected by his family and "shipped off" to live with his grandparents, Molly, who attended school and was friends with Christian, directly observed the aftereffects of his involuntary outing by their high school counselor. Left to ponder the repercussions, Molly discussed her feelings: "It was mostly a fear of what would happen to me, too." I asked her what types of things she feared and rejection was at the top of her list. Unfortunately, in addition to the marginality of being a lesbian, Molly, who was overweight, felt the sting of society's bias against persons who are perceived to be overweight. According to Molly, "I've seen that discrimination all kinds of different ways . . . there would be only two or three times a week that I wouldn't go home crying." Her classmates would make fun of her "every day, every class." Teachers advised her to just "ignore them." Molly discredited their advice: "Ignoring them don't work. It just don't work." Of note, the ineffectiveness of ignoring as a coping method was a recurring theme culled from the interviews and is addressed further in Chapter V. Notwithstanding, Molly was grappling with multiple layers of oppression. She revealed: 127

I'm a very people-oriented person and I don't like when people don't like me. I hate it. So ... I didn't want people to hate me just because of that [being a lesbian]. I already had very few friends because of my weight and 1 didn't want to lose them because I was gay.

Molly made several abortive attempts at coming out. However, after witnessing the adverse repercussions of Christian's hapless outing, she again retreated to the closet, this time pulling the door tightly shut for many more years. Nigel: Casualty of Religious 'Witness.' The boy with whom Nigel was "sexually experimenting" outed him. Nigel remembered: ... he told everything. He's very Christian. He's going to a Baptist university right now. He used me in his witness. He said that he used to be into homosexual activity and told some people I was the one he was involved with, you know. And then I was outed. Everybody knew ... it was really bad at first.

However, continued Nigel, the outing "did turn out to be something good. It made me understand myself a lot more." The positive aspects of self-understanding notwithstanding, outing was associated with varying degrees of stress. Controllability. Several participants spoke, both directly and indirectly, of the importance of personal control for stress prevention. Outing, however, divested participants of control. For example, Bryan revealed, "I think this is really personal, but I have to be the one that calls the shots. I have to be the one in control, 1 think. But I'm like that with a lot of things. [It's] just my personality." Bryan told of the time an acquaintance of his attended 128 one of his classes with him. They were sitting in the classroom before class and she walked up to the front and proceeded to write information about an LGB group on the board. Then, Bryan recalled, she came back to sit down by me and talk about it . . . and I felt like I was sort of outed by association, you know what 1 mean? I didn't really care. I wasn't offended, but I was like more sort of pissed because I wanted to be the one ... I was uncomfortable then because 1 wasn't like in control of the situation.

In addition to the stress of verbal harassment and the loss of control associated with involuntary outing, physical assaults emerged as a third theme in the accounts of LGB lived experiences at the secondary level.

Physical Assaults As with verbal harassment, participants reported that physical assaults continued to be included in the heterosexist repertoire of high school students, carried over from the elementary and middle/junior high years. Yet, some quantitative differences emerged in that physical assaults at the high school level are rarely the one-on-one "hit" that blackened Jason's chest or "punch in the nose" that Nigel experienced during earlier school years. According to participants' accounts, high school attackers generally far outnumber their LGB targets, with a commonly cited four or five to one ratio. 129

Christian. As previously noted, due to parental rejection and being "shipped off" to live with his grandparents as a result of Mrs. Perry's breach of confidentiality. Christian's latter high school years were spent out of state. However, his experiences merit attention because they exemplify the far-reaching consequences of the counselor's one action. Christian found the pressure at his new high school to be so hard and at one point people had gotten so rough with me that the principal called my grandparents up and said, 'We don't think we can protect him.' As you can tell, I'm not small; I'm not a little guy [i.e., 6' 6" and 212 lbs.]. But it got to the point where people . . . had it in their mind that if two or three came up behind me at a time, they could jump me, they could get rough with me. And after a while I just got tired of running from them ... I have always been very passive. I don't like to fight. I just stood there and if they wanted to hit me, they just hit me. And when they were done, I'd say, "Did that feel good for you?"

Consequently, Christian related that he would return home with "bruises, scrapes, black eyes—stuff that my grandparents could see." When I inquired as to where these assaults occurred. Christian replied, "Usually just right outside of school or sometimes if they could corner me in the bathroom." "Did anybody ever try to stop It?" I further queried. "Well, It's not like I stood in the bathroom and yelled for help, because I knew It wasn't going to do me any good." Christian continued, "I just had . . . one teacher that pretty much protected me . . . and he would go to the principal." According to Christian, the students "would get reprimanded but it wouldn't 130 matter," because in that rural, all-white school devoid of more than a hint of diversity ("You want to see the all-white football and basketball team—this school had it!"), this maltreatment "was okay, because," in Christian's words, "I was so different. This was just all suspected stuff . . . I've never considered myself effeminate and I don't like swish when I walk. So, it was just all because I appeared different from all of them." I asked Christian what made the one teacher who intervened different than the others. "He just cared," answered Christian. He believed that everybody had the right to be here. He told me ... he didn't understand homosexuality, but he doesn't think that people should be put down for the way—who—they are ... I kept some esteem that way. He was the one that also came to visit when I was in the hospital [after a suicide attempt].

Jason. Jason, the self-described "loner" who ate by himself, was the target of both verbal and physical harassment. He returned from lunch one day to park in his parking spot "by the gym, which was separate from the school and was right by the alley with a big fence, a real tall fence." A group of four or five "real built and big" members of the gymnastic team were standing by the next parking space as Jason got out of his truck. He just "ignored them" like he ignored "them every day when . . . going to class." One of them said, "I hear he's a queer." Jason remembered: I was like just like . . . "Leave me alone. I haven't done anything to you. Just leave me alone." And I was just horrified—[it was] one of the most terrifying moments of my life. And they were backing me up and they were pushing me . . . pushing me back and calling me 'queer' and 'faggot' 131

Jason realized he was in trouble and reminded himself to stay calm and defend himself, if necessary. He also reasoned that they were outside and someone was bound to come along. Trying to talk to them in hopes that "someone would eventually go by," Jason continued to be pushed, but some "gang girls" went to his rescue. Jason recalled, "They saw what was happening and they got me and they walked me to the building. And I knew the fact that girls had just saved me from a fight was going to be unbearable from here on out." He left school, telling the counselor that his lunch had made him ill. Jason actually mustered up the courage to return to school the next day, but encountered a classmate who had watched the assault but had done nothing to intervene and stop it. The classmate apologized and advised Jason to ignore it. "Yeah, right," thought Jason. When the class ended, Jason got in his truck, went home without checking out, and never returned to high school. Vicarious Learning. Molly and Kelly, among others, noted the effects of observational learning/social learning theory with regard to harassment. When participants observed others who were being victimized or heard from friends about their own assaults, they perceived vicarious harm/threat. Consequently, in addition to the aforementioned first person accounts of assaults during high school, many more students, who had not personally encountered harassment, told about the negative experiences of friends. For example, Kelly told me: I remember one guy that I became friends with and he was out in high school . . . everybody knew. And he used to get beat up 132

on a dally basis. Teachers wouldn't do anything about it . . . they would tell him to stand up for himself . . . one guy standing up against four or five! Teachers never did a thing about it.

Nigel and Christian also related stories of schoolmates who were victims of physical/verbal harassment. In summary, verbal harassment, involuntary outing, and physical assault emerged as themes in participants' accounts of their lived experiences at the secondary level. In addition, privacy concerns overarching high school and college constituted a fourth theme.

Privacy Concerns Overarching High School and College One superincumbent theme that spanned both the high school and college years was the issue of privacy. Therefore, I have chosen to place its discussion at the interface of these two educational levels. Over one-third of the male students cited communal showers as a significant stressor in high school, as well as subsequently at institutions of higher education. The lack of privacy in the locker room or showers presents unique problems for the gay male. As Nigel put It: It's a really tacky situation. You know, obviously, if you're gay you're going to have some kind of sexual arousal problem and if you have to get naked In front of everybody, everybody's going to see. Lesbians can hide it, you know ... if you have an erection and you're in a shower with a bunch of guys someone's going to see. Everybody looks . . . someone's going to get a bad problem out of that. Ugh! 133

Finding this all "intimidating," Nigel avoided participating in all sports during high school because "you're required to take a shower after you're done." Nigel's coping style has often included direct action: "I always try to find the easy way out of doing things that are going to be detrimental." Consequently, Nigel escaped taking PE classes by joining marching band, which counted as PE credits, for four semesters. Jason, who had already experienced problems in junior high PE when he was harassed and beaten up, provided a similar account, except that he received assistance from a compassionate physician: What I especially hated was showers ... I was 16 and I was going to have to take another PE because I moved from junior high to high school. Uh, by then I was pretty sure I was gay. And showers, especially communal showers, are very problematic, to say the least. So I told my doctor, "I think I might be gay" ... I started crying telling him this. He was like, "Okay." He was very kind. He said, "Calm down. Let me look in your chart." [unintelligible] an asthmatic. And even though it's not that bad of a problem, he said, "I don't want you playing sports." So, he wrote a note to my guidance counselor saying he did not want me, for health reasons, playing sports.

This insensitivity to privacy is unfortunately perpetuated at college. Mark, who escaped living In dorms and has always lived off- campus, related, "A couple of my best friends are living in the dorm right now and one of them is telling me, yeah, there are a couple of gay guys in the dorm. And I know they are probably just so scared that it's pathetic." When I asked Mark what they are scared of, he 134 replied, "The dorms here do have communal showers and that would be one thing."

Institutions of Higher Education In the preceding three sections, I concentrated primarily on three cases that were representative of issues discussed with regard to the elementary, junior high, and high school levels. However, the focus of participants' concerns was far more varied with regard to their lived experiences at the college/university level, most likely due to: (a) wider age variances (i.e., age 18-35); (b) differing stages of homosexual identity development; (c) the broader diversity of educational programs in higher education, in which the faculty vary considerably on a continuum of conservative- liberal; and (d) greater autonomy in general and independence from parents in particular. These considerations are reflected in the following pages. As a consequence of their developing sense of self and growth in critical thinking, as well as the increased heterogeneity of experiences and topics on which participants chose to focus at the college/university level, many more voices emerge in this last subsection on LGB lived experiences at the postsecondary level of education. Of particular note, as the individual voices of participants became more distinct In relating their college experiences, conflicting versions of reality began to emerge. The following pages, then, represent a kaleidoscope of experiences and 135 concerns and thus, for coherence, this section on the lived experiences of LGB students at college/the university is organized around four emergent themes: the increased autonomy of participants; heterosexism on, as well as off, the college campus; issues entailed in the coming out process; and student social life. Not only do college/university students frequently live in residence halls, but they have greater freedom from parental supervision. With this greater autonomy, participants often chose to come out during their college years, thus facing a unique set of stressors not experienced by their heterosexual cohorts. For those half of participants who were not previously out or been outed, coming out was cited as one major stressor during the college years. Moreover, participants reported social support as one of the most commonly used means of coping.

Autonomy and Separation One theme that emerged was that of autonomy and separation. During their college years, participants further developed their sense of LGB identity, as well as acquired a greater independence in thought. A number of participants mentioned that the separation from parents and/or being away at college allowed the initial opportunity to think independently. For example, Barbara told me: I was trying to be straight. You know, I kept trying to do what I thought my parents wanted me to do and what I thought... I was supposed to do. ... I left my parents behind and it was finally I was able to think, I was allowed to think for myself. 136

you know . . . it's like there wasn't so many consequences just because they weren't around . . .

Participants were faced with the task of dismantling society's pronouncements and reconstructing their own meaning of LGB identity- At the university, Barbara had to work through her own homophobia, "trying to disband old myths" while grappling with the coming out process. Similarly, It was at college that Julian began to disentangle the negative messages of homosexuality he had heard at church from his own gay identity. Julian recalled that while he was growing up, "You'd hear how much homosexuals were going to burn in hell and amoral and the destruction of society. And I thought, well, that's kind of strange. I haven't experienced that personally, growing up and trying to destroy society because I'm gay." I asked Julian how he dealt with this incongruity and he replied: "I'm not sure I did until I was here at college for a couple of years and I managed to get away from that, you know, and start figuring things out for myself." Christian also pointed to the importance of autonomy in the development of his gay identity. At one point In our conversations. Christian told me, "I mean, I will look anybody in the face and say, 'I'm proud to be a gay man.' I have fought too many battles with my family, with myself, with religion, with friends, and I refuse to put up with anybody else's ignorance." "You sound very comfortable with your identity, who you are," I remarked. "How did you get there?" Christian responded: 137

Inner struggle, inner peace. I had to find a comfort with myself. I had to, / had to separate myself from my family. I had to say, well if they don't want to be part of me, then there is no way I can be part of them regardless that I came from, I was a product, you know, of these two people, [italics added]

The aforementioned separation from parents and concomitant autonomy represents a qualitative difference in lived experiences not generally present in the K-12 years. This is reflected in participants' responses to heterosexism at the college/university level in which a greater amount of direct action is employed as a means of coping. This is discussed below and further elaborated on in Chapter V.

On- and Off-Campus Heterosexism The lived experiences of LGB students at college/the university focused on a second theme: heterosexism, both on and off the college campus. Participants reported slightly more positive experiences in college/university life than in their previous school years. However, heterosexism nonetheless continued to flourish in institutions of higher education. Whereas all but Daniel readily cited examples of heterosexism, Bryan conferred his own meaning to the term, suggesting that the cornerstone of heterosexism Is sexism: It finally occurred to me that I think really deep down, I think, the basis of homophobia is sexism. Because if you didn't think men and women were all that different, It really wouldn't matter if I was with a man or a woman ... If you didn't perceive them as so different, it really wouldn't make such a difference. It would be like being with a person with brown 138

hair or black hair. It really doesn't make a difference to most people.

According to participants' anecdotes, heterosexism assumes myriad forms ranging from tales of deleterious harassment to an account of a degrading, albeit humorous school trip. The following narratives with regard to various forms of heterosexism are arranged in accordance with severity, beginning with those interfering with students' fundamental needs for safety and security.

Christian: Danger in the 'Safe Zone' Verbal and physical harassment were perpetuated at the postsecondary level by fellow students, instructors, and even outsiders (e.g., Bryan cited protesters who picketed the gay Christian speaker, Mel White). In Christian's case, residents of his dorm imposed considerable stress culminating in the 'Safe Zone' controversy. At the time of our conversations, 26-year-old Christian was a second-semester college freshman majoring in Restaurant, Hotel, and Institutional Management at a large university in Texas. He chose that particular university because it was equidistant between the two cities in which each set of his parents live, 800 miles from each. After years of educational, familial, and social marginalization, Christian reasoned that he "would have a fresh start" there. However, the bright promise of a "fresh experience" was soon extinguished. As early as September, troubles loomed on the horizon. Christian's difficulties began when one of his friends 139

"opened a can of worms" by inadvertently outing him to another resident of their hall. According to Christian, when the word got around that he was gay, one resident "went as far as to carve 'fag' in my door and then colored It in with red marker... it was to the point that that actually scared me." Shortly thereafter. Christian became embroiled in a controversy over 'Safe Zone' signs, compounding the difficulties that already beset his involuntary and untimely outing. With this controversy, the already existing undercurrent of antipathy toward gays surfaced as a tsunami of heterosexism. When I first met Christian in late March of 1997, he had already felt compelled to change residence halls due to numerous threats to his physical and psychological safety and security. For a greater measure of protection. Christian had moved across the hall from the residence complex director and maintained an unlisted telephone number due to repeated verbal harassment. As Christian explained it to me, the posting of 'Safe Zone' signs are part of a national movement within Student Affairs. Printed on pink paper and sporting a triangle, the message reads (see

Figure 4.1): The safe zone symbol is a message to gay, lesbian, and bisexual students and colleagues. The message is that the person displaying the symbol is one who will be understanding, supportive, and trustworthy if a gay, lesbian, or bisexual student needs help, advice, or just someone to whom they can talk. Homophobia and heterosexist comments and actions will not be tolerated, but will be addressed in an educational and informative manner. 140

The 'Safe Zone' symbol is a message to gay, lesbian, and bisexual students and colleagues, the message is that a person displaying this symbol is one who will be understanding, supportive, and trustworthy if a gay, lesbian, or bisexual student needs help, advice, or Just someone to whom they can talk. Homophobic and heterosexist comments and acttons will not be tolerated, but will be addressed in an educational and infomiative manner.

Figure 4.1. The 'Safe Zone' Sign. 141

Christian thought that he "picked a strategic day" to post the gay- affirmative sign on his dorm door. Both Molly, a 25-year-old majoring in fashion design, and he "did it on October 11th, which is National Coming Out Day." Mulling over the subsequent events. Christian told me, "You know, I never knew so much crap would come from putting that sign on my door. I really had no idea . . . First they started ripping my sign off the door." Fortunately, that was all that Molly experienced. Then Christian began to receive harassing phone calls after "one of the people in the front office gave" his number out. "I turned over 11 answering machine tapes to the university police department," he recalled. Christian recalled the content of these tapes: They wanted to kick my ass. They told me I was going to get AIDS and die. They told me they knew my class schedule and they knew how to find me. Or, you know, I even got notes slipped under my door, 'Little faggot boy' and stuff like that. It showed more their immaturity, because on one of the answering machine tapes, they referred to me as a 'short, little fuck' [Christian's height is 6' 6"] . . . they really didn't know who they were talking to ... It was to the point that it really scared me.

Of note, I called the university police to discuss the aforementioned heterosexism and discovered that a year and a half later departmental records listed neither incident as a hate crime offense. All of this was disappointing to Christian: "I've come to school to get a better education. I've come to school because it's 142 going to open my horizons. Yet, I'm dealing with the attitudes of 12- year-olds, the mentality of 12-year-olds." The campus daily newspaper, which Christian said managed to misquote him, covered the controversy for a few days because "in response to the 'Safe Zone,'" continued Christian, "they [other residents] put signs on their door called 'Unsafe Zone.'" As per my request. Christian got Clay, his resident hall director, to mail me a copy of both the 'Unsafe Zone' sign and a summary of the residence complex meeting at which Clay mediated. The 'Unsafe Zone' sign, displaying a large hand with its thumb pressed on a little mustached guy, states (see Figure 4.2): The unsafe zone is a message to all gay, lesbian, and bisexual students that you are not welcome in this room. Let it be known that you will feel very uncomfortable in this environment. Please do not be open about your lifestyle. Also, slanderous comments about heterosexuality will not be tolerated in this room. We are not homophobic, and are armed only with knowledge and facts. In essence, you will not be tolerated in this room.

As the word "unsafe" implies harmful consequences, thus constituting a threat, and because the graphics on the sign suggest oppression. Christian (as well as two professors who wrote letters to the editor) interpreted this caveat as threatening. Christian felt the essence of the 'Unsafe Zone' message was "just be prepared to be verbally bashed if you were to set foot in my room, because we don't like people who are different from us." In addition, the sign suggests that "you could get hurt; you could be beat up." 143

UNSAFE ZONE

The unsafe zone is a sign to all gay, lesbian, and bisexual students that you are not welcome in this room. Let it be known that you will feel very uncomfortable in this enviromnent Please do not be open about your lifestyle. Also, slanderous conmients about heterosexuality will not be tolerated in this room. We are not homophobic, and are armed only with knowledge arid fects. In essence, you will not be tolerated in this room.

Figure 4.2. The 'Unsafe Zone' Sign. 144

Christian moved across the hall from Clay after the situation in his first residence hall became uncomfortable. As Christian's hall director, Clay, along with a gay psychologist from the university, met with several residents to discuss their reactions to the 'Safe Zone' sign. According to Clay's summary notes of the meeting. Clay pointed out the difference between constructive and destructive messages, as well as between free speech and threats of harm. Moreover, Clay told the group that disagreement and dialogue among students is positive, yet hatred and intolerance is deleterious. When those who had posted 'Unsafe Zone' signs asserted that they felt the need to have a heterosexual safe zone. Clay pointed out that they already do: "It's called the United States!" While Christian took the 'Safe Zone' controversy in admirable stride, remaining largely indefatigable, neither did he emerge completely unscathed from the year's multiple adversities. In fact. Christian disclosed that his beloved grandfather had died shortly after the posting of the 'Safe Zone' signs, thus intensifying the already existing psychosocial stressors. As a consequence, at the time of our conversations Christian had sought counseling at the university counseling center and was taking antidepressants.

Bryan: Gay Bashers and Protesters Bryan, too, had an uncomfortable experience in the residence hall. A 21-year-old entering his junior year at a large university, Bryan was in the process of changing his major from chemistry/pre- 145 med to English/German at the time of the interview. He informed me, "I think my first roommate moved out because he thought I was gay." Bryan's first impression of his roommate, who was very "homophobic" and "prejudiced," was unlocking the door to their room and seeing "a cowboy hat," "a calendar of naked women," and a "weird Ku Klux Klan tee shirt of Uncle Sam crucified in a Ku Klux Klan robe," on his closet door. One night, this roommate went to a bar just down the street from the gay club and upon returning to the dorm mentioned that he "and somebody else had been gay bashing." Bryan told me, "I was half asleep at the time, so 1 wasn't really attentive to what was going on." Yet, Bryan recollected, "I remember thinking about that and I was just like, 'He's going gay bashing and he thinks I'm gay and I'm sleeping in the same room with him.'" That night Bryan "hid a knife behind the bed" where he could "get to it," because his roommate would frequently "come back very drunk." Bryan justified these actions: "It sounds paranoid, but . . . you never know if you're going to wake up and it's going to be him and three of his friends." Bryan also highlighted one other recent negative experience: how he "passed right through" protesters, "praying and singing," who lined "both sides" of the walkway to the reception after hearing Mel White, a gay clergyman who is a former aid of evangelist Pat Robertson, speak. Bryan felt "angry," because "they sing about religion, but you know the kinds of looks you get: 'Fag,' 'dyke', and 'queer,' and whatever." 146

Heterosexism at the college/university level exists in forms other than the harassment and gay bashing experienced by Christian and Bryan. Three participants at a large university in West Texas spoke of the School of Music's conservative bent. According to these students, being 'out' in that department may be imprudent. Not only may scholarships be withheld, but future employment may be threatened.

The Music Department: A Chorus of Conservative Notes Brian, an 18-year-old with a dual major in voice performance and broadcast journalism, was the first participant to hint of the music department's conservative bent. I dismissed Brian's remarks, until Julian, a 24-year-old majoring in music, reiterated the conservatism of the School of Music. As Brian and Julian shattered my notion of the arts as being more gay-affirmative than other disciplines, I asked Julian for clarification. He illuminated the marriage of convenience between music and athletics: "In Texas a lot of music programs are associated with band and band tends to be centered around football and athletics," which results in a "double standard." When music programs were initiated decades ago, "in order to pay for it. . . they hooked it on to football way back when." However, according to Julian, music programs now "want to break away from them." He further explained, "It's kind of one of those situations where you sell your soul to the devil. Well, sooner or 147 later the devil comes to collect and it won't let you out of the contract ... so it's a lot more close-minded than you think." Nigel had a similar tale regarding the department's conservatism and disapproval of homosexuality. Nigel confided in his mentor that he "was having a bad breakup with a boyfriend" and, as a consequence, "was really having some stress with that" and "was letting some things suffer." After launching into a lecture on AIDS and safety, Nigel's mentor told him, "Don't let anyone know, because if anyone knows scholarships can be taken away." Despite this, Nigel, the recipient of a substantial financial award, is unconcerned because he "will file a lawsuit" if he loses his scholarship. In addition to the direct consequences of heterosexism, students may also experience vicarious learning. Nigel related that one gay music professor remained very closeted because "he cannot be outed. He will be fired immediately." Nigel underscored that at "this School of Music ... if you're found out and you do not have tenure, you will be gone. They will find a reason to lose you" as in the dismissal of a contralto a year ago. Thus, the message these three participants received from the School of Music was that it was a dangerous place to be out.

Heterosexist Professors According to participants, on-campus heterosexism was not confined to the School of Music, as evidenced by the following lived experiences with faculty members in other disciplines on two 148

college campuses. For example, several students at one large university in West Texas berated one "mass comm[unications] professor," who, according to Christian, kept using 'faggot' and 'dyke' in class. Brian recalled that in class one day "... we were talking about boundaries that journalists have and what they can say in the media and everything. Well, he put up this one article and it was about gays and lesbians. ... he was being very, very, very rude." The professor "said something along the lines that 'You know how gay people are . . . that's the way these people are.'" Brian told me, "I sat there and I didn't say anything. I wish I probably should have now." However, according to Brian, an older classmate stood up and said that she was "completely and totally appalled." Moreover, she told the professor that she had kids and if they were listening to him, she hoped they would get up and walk out. And she promptly exited. Brian, one of his friends, and "three or four people walked out also." Brian took further direct action by writing a letter of protest to the professor, talking to the dean, and dropping the class. Brian added, "And I heard that he ended up not ever using" the article "again . . . because a lot of people reacted really negatively to this." Because there are other "professors on this campus who use 'faggot' and 'dyke' like it's the word 'and' and 'but' . . . just as part of common language," Christian proposed that a "gay and lesbian task force" be established to address sensitivity training. In recommending "a type of educational program to understand other 149 people's feelings and be sensitive to others who are different," Corey concurred with Christian. Other professors showed heterosexism in more subtle ways. For example. Christian explained that "as best as" he "could and in order to give" him "some closure," he wrote his first English paper on a friend who died of AIDS. Christian recalled how his professor "automatically assumed that this guy and I had sex and I was HIV- positive, which if you read the paper you can't get that out of that." Christian continued, ". . . she told me she didn't want to find any more gay themes in my papers." One of my own former students. Max, who had a longtime companion and wore a wedding ring, told me his own tale of a heterosexist English professor. Assuming he was married to a woman, the professor made a remark in class about his wife. He politely corrected her, reminding her that some people have same-sex partners. Max attributed the immediate drop in his grade from an A to a B to the professor's heterosexist bias. Professors can also show their heterosexism by exclusion or nonrepresentation. Brian lamented the nonrepresentation of lesbigays —the failure to "incorporate" LGB contributions—in the curricula at the university: . . . they don't Incorporate those things. That's not valid. It's valid whether or not he was an African-American, or Hispanic, or white, but it's not valid, for some reason, that he was gay or she was lesbian. . . . there are a lot of very famous [LGB] people and a lot that have dedicated a lot to this country and they have been totally . . . you know, people just don't know about that. 150

Rumors of Heterosexism Victim Blame. Rumors of heterosexism abounded among participants. While it was impossible to verify many of these incidents, imagined, as well as real, threats nevertheless constitute a stressor. For example, Nigel related, "As I understand it, this person was in the dorm. Everything was hunky dory until someone found out he was gay and there was quite a beating." Nigel continued: He got moved out. Obviously, they kicked him out of the dorm. They moved him to a different dorm. They didn't want him there. He was causing trouble. That was my biggest problem when I heard this story. The other guys were just responding to his cause.

Nigel elaborated on this victim blame, a theme that was introduced with Jason: "You can't blame the majority of the people. You know, it's hard to blame five people when you can just cast it on to one." Due to situations like the above, as well as "stupid shit like shaving cream on the door and 'fag,'" Nigel "wrote a letter to the housing and dining services saying" he didn't "need to live in the dorms." Nigel used the "extenuating circumstance" of being gay. Nigel recalled, "I had to have my parents sign it. They weren't very happy about that. My parents are a whole different thing." Nigel told me that the letter explained that I don't get along with heterosexual men very well. They intimidate me because I intimidate them and it turns into a real bad situation. I don't feel comfortable around them. I don't feel comfortable in the community shower situation, community bathrooms. 151

Through his direct action of submitting the letter, Nigel managed to reduce his exposure to additional heterosexism. Molly related another rumor which concerned a branch of the national gay fraternity. Delta Lambda Phi. The fraternity was "forced out" in the university newspaper and it was rumored that "as soon as that happened some students that are pro-Nazi went and destroyed their room. . . . They did the Nazi symbols and 'Die, Fag, Die' and that kind of thing spray painted." I verified this incident with the university police and, in contrast to the carving on Christian's door and the threats he received, this incident was recorded as a hate crime. Although participants were not directly involved in these events and the incidents were merely hearsay, LGB students nonetheless perceived residence halls as uncomfortable, even dangerous, places to live as a consequence of the rumors.

Mark: Hooters, Hockey, and Heterosexism Heterosexism associated with institutions of higher education was not limited to on-campus experiences, extending instead beyond classrooms and residential halls to school-sponsored, off-campus activities. For example, Mark, a 23-year-old performing arts/sound technology major, had just returned from an all-male school trip to Dallas when he e-mailed me this commentary:^ ... it was such a heterosexist trip It was pathetic. We even went to Hooters . . . which doesn't bother me because I was classically trained to like 'hooters,' but you know ... it was still fairly uncomfortable. I did kind of get closer to one of the guys on the trip. He was one of those that was watching 152

hockey more than the girls at the restaurant. We also were talking about the strip clubs and Playboy magazine and he was disgusted by the woman's body being paraded like a piece of meat. Oh, well, I can dream, can't I? We went down 'Queer Lane' and saw the bars and things and I think he was the only one in the van that didn't comment on seeing a couple of guys walking hand in hand.

Gadar. Mark's comments illustrate his 'Gadar/Gaydar' in operation. Gadar, a word synthesized from gay and radar, refers to the intuitive force that permits lesbigays, particularly gay men, to recognize one another (Stewart, 1995) and was frequently mentioned, both directly and indirectly, by participants. According to Bryan, Gadar is "just a perception thing. It's not something you think out." "Gays are so used to hiding that it's like you notice . . . just somehow you know when you see it in other people." He further explained: A lot of people ask me, 'How do you know he's gay?' ... But you can just tell ... If you just pay attention, you can pick up clues that I think heterosexual people don't notice because they never had to do them . . . like people who switch pronouns and they slip up sometimes.

In order to conceal his affectional-erotic orientation, Mark was adept at switching pronouns during his first semester in college. Mark reported that very few women were majoring in performing arts/sound technology. Consequently, Mark told me: I've basically been around all these guys and my instructors were all men and everybody's relating to their sex lives ... I just felt uncomfortable being able to say, okay, 'Me and my boyfriend went out last weekend.' So I always changed names 153

and I just happened to pick 'Allison' and use that for quite some time, using my current boyfriend at the time.

According to participants, and as illustrated in the foregoing example, heterosexism hones LGB students' gadar.

Coming Out: The Never-ending Story At the college/university level, the coming out process emerged as a third theme from the interviews. While heterosexism both on and off the college campus constituted one constellation of major stressors, according to participants the decision of when and to whom to come out was another. Moreover, as noted by Tierney (1997, p. 94), "the problem, of course, is that coming out is a never- ending experience." As discussed by Julian and others below and noted by Tierney (1997), lesbigays must constantly retell their story due to society's assumption of heterosexuality, and, in so doing, re-create for people who they are in ways that heterosexuals find unnecessary. Rhoads (1995) stressed that it matters little how many people are aware of one's affectional-erotic orientation, because there will always be other persons to whom one must come out. In addition, coming out demands a degree of self-disclosure from lesbigays not required by their heterosexual counterparts.

The Assumption of Heterosexuality: A Double-Edged Sword In reference to the assumption of heterosexism, Brian informed me, "I never had to worry about It because everyone just 154 always associated me just automatically with being straight." For Andrew, Brian, Julian, and similar others, the presumption of heterosexuality spared them from the negative experiences of Christian, Jason, and Nigel. Yet, this supposition of heterosexuality nonetheless had drawbacks. For example, Julian reflected, "People talk about it being hard to come out just based on the stigma they'll receive and the treatment they'll receive." However, for Julian "the hardest thing to get through" was "the assumption you're straight." He informed me, "It's very hard to come out because everyone assumes you are heterosexual." Hence, for those students who were not labeled as lesbigay early on or who had not been outed, heterosexism reared its ugly head a bit later during their struggle to come out.

Variability in the Coming Out Process Coming out is a central issue, a rite of passage (Herdt, 1992), one that is often associated with substantial stress. Participants reported considerable variability in the coming out process. At the one extreme, Corey and Daniel came out early on as freshmen in high school. At the opposite pole was Jonathan, who as a senior at age 35 told me, "I was not out in high school. I was not even out in my first run through college or my corporate career." The majority, however, came out as college undergraduates in their late teens to mid- twenties. For some participants such as Molly coming out "was a gradual thing over many years." Yet, other students, in Christian's 155 words, "just like kick open the door and throw the hangers out." For example, Corey and Kelly were entirely out within a matter of weeks. Whereas some participants maintained a large measure of control, parents forced open Kelly's and Barbara's closets. The following sketches represent a myriad of coming out experiences. Corey. Corey was atypical among participants in that he made the decision to come out as a freshman in high school and, by his own account, experienced minimum stress. I asked Corey what made him confident enough to come out earlier on than the other students. Corey explained: ... I was never intent on being in the 'in crowd.' 1 knew I'd never be in the 'in crowd' and that never bothered me. You know, if people were going to ask me if I was gay or, you know, if people assumed it, I would straight out tell them, "This is who I am, and I'm not ashamed of what I am, and 1 don't really care what you think."

In addition, highlighting regional variations, Corey told me coming out was less troublesome for him, because "1 lived in a big city. Unlike Mallowville [a pseudonym], Texas, they are much more tolerant and used to dealing with different things than they are out here [in West Texas]." He explained that over the last 20 years the bigger cities In Texas had become "so cultured and international and so they're used to dealing with a different variety of people" and therefore "it's kind of like live and let live." Corey confided, "Coming here [to Mallowville] was a big shock, you know. It seemed like they're 50 years behind." 156

Brian. Commanding a degree of self-disclosure not required with heterosexuality, coming out was frequently associated with some degree of loss. Brian lamented: I had a really good friend, my best friend in high school for four years, and I never could tell him. I don't know why. There was something that told me it probably wouldn't be good, you know. I didn't know what it was, but I just had that feeling. I eventually told him this past summer before I came to school . . . and he started crying. And, I mean, this is like a childhood friend. I've known him forever. And I started crying ... I never heard from him again ... He doesn't call me or anything.

"That's rough," I commented. Brian responded: Yeah, it is. It is, but you learn how to deal with things like this. I mean, it's a whole lot easier than it was, you know, maybe a couple of years ago. So, I've learned how to cope. I guess it has made me a lot stronger . . . I'll tell you that most of the gay friends that I have are much stronger people than any of the straight people I know . . . that's just because life makes us that way, which is not necessarily a bad thing.

In a similar manner. Beam (1991), a Black essayist, wrote, "Several years passed before I realized that my burden of shame could be a source of strength" (p. 262). Christian, too, described himself as having developed greater "strength" and "courage." Molly: "He'd probably kill me." Recall that Molly made several abortive attempts at coming out when she was "fifteen or sixteen." However, several things held her back. First, Molly told me, "When my two closest friends didn't believe me, I left it alone and went back In the closet." Here, once again, is the persistent assumption of heterosexuality- A second reason for Molly to remain in the 157 closet for a few more years was a family scandal when she was "10 or 12" involving a married aunt whose husband "caught her with women." Molly's aunt later "came out as being a lesbian." As "it wasn't good at all" and family members said only negative things about her aunt, Molly disclosed, ". . . that basically scared me for a while . . . and that basically pushed me in the closet further." In addition, Molly wanted to avoid the maltreatment that her friend. Christian, received when he "was forced out." So, for Molly coming out "was a gradual thing over many years" and it was not until she moved away from home to attend a large university that she was out to family and friends. However, Molly disclosed, "My father doesn't know, but I don't talk to my father. And he'd probably kill me. Literally, I'm not kidding. He pulled a gun on his wife I mean, he'd probably literally kill me and I don't choose to do that."

Forced Out by Parents Kelly. "Before I came out," explained Kelly, "my parents had made comments—like with Ellen coming out—just usual comments." Kelly elaborated, "My friend, Jesse, used to come over to the house all the time and he's real feminine and you can tell. And ... my dad said, 'I don't want him in the house.' He actually said that and I was thinking, 'God, I'm in your house.'" Kelly continued, "And so I could never see myself coming out. I thought it would just be this horrible thing ... so I always kept it to myself." Then Kelly was "kind of 158 forced out." After her mother had "invaded her privacy" and read some letters on the computer, her mom left a note saying Kelly needed to "have a talk" with her parents. Kelly disclosed, "So, the next morning I got up and I took a shower and got everything ready, in case I had to leave if things went bad." Kelly recalled, "I honestly thought that when I came out that I would have to find a place to live." However, contrary to her expectations, Kelly's parents told her, "You're our kid and we have to accept you the way you are and we love you to death." Kelly confided, "And it just shocked the hell out of me. I was like, 'Where's my parents?'" Since coming out to her parents went so well, Kelly figured, "Hey, why not tell everybody?" Consequently, at her community college Kelly speaks to her classmates quite openly about her affectional-erotic orientation. Barbara. Barbara, too, was forced out by her parents. A 19- year-old biology major aspiring to be a pharmacist, Barbara felt a good deal of stress throughout the fall semester before coming out to her family. She disclosed that she likes to write for several reasons. Not only does it allow her to vent feelings, but she can express herself better in writing than while conversing. The first three verses of one of her poems. Not Changing, written over a six- month period as a senior In high school when she was grappling with coming out, express some of her feelings at the time: Riding around, losing my place, not knowing where I'm at. Screaming into the night, 159

'Lord help me. I'm losing speed and my faith's fading fast.'

As I stand on the edge of this ledge, I wonder whether to jump or keep the charade up that's wearing away at me.

I want to come out I want to come out, screaming, 'This is me. Take it or leave it. I'm not Changing.'

Barbara told me, "1 wish I had come out my senior year, because at that point there was nothing that anyone could have done and ... I have a feeling a lot of people knew anyways." However, Barbara was apprehensive about coming out at that time. "Fear holds me back," she wrote in a poem that remains untitled. Barbara elaborated, "I still think if I had come out to my family my senior year, you know, before I turned 18, I probably would have been [sent] ... to a psychologist for, not necessarily conversion-type therapy, but," she paused, "I don't know how far my parents would have gone. I think at this point . . . they have no control over it." Thus, Barbara emphasized, "You just have to read people and the situation." Moreover, "if you are under 18, you got to read your parents" and "depending on where you live, you might consider being careful." As it was, Barbara went to the university counseling center during the fall of her sophomore year after one of her friends, who "probably got tired of" her "just griping about stuff," suggested it. 160

There she saw "flyers that advertise Layton's [Dr. Roger Layton, a gay psychologist] group." Not only did she participate in group, but Barbara told me, "I saw Rog maybe four or five times individually . . . and he really helped me work through things." Barbara explained, "I got a lot more out of individual because this was a place I went and I was able to vent. I was able to get things out and Rog just listened. I was like, 'Thanks, man,' you know." When Barbara went home for Thanksgiving she took a book written by Melissa Etheridge to read on the plane. Her dad asked about what she was reading and Barbara "showed him the back. He didn't say anything then." However, about two weeks later, her mom asked, "Why are you reading a book about two damn lesbians?" Barbara's reaction was, "Uh, I don't think I need to be telling y'all anything anytime soon probably." Barbara's "dad kind of ended up forcing" her "to come out two days before" she was to return to the university for the spring semester. Barbara's mom "started crying . . . and blaming herself." Barbara recalled, "And so she wouldn't let me exactly say anything—she just kept talking." Moreover, her parents made it clear that they would cut her off, emotionally and financially, should she get involved with a woman while she is off at the university or introduce a woman as anything other than a friend. In addition, "'I'll be praying for you, that you'll change' is what they said." Since then, according to Barbara, "they haven't really said anything" and "they are just like, 'Don't ask. Don't tell.' So they don't want to know." Despite all this and as a consequence of the 161 positive support she received from her older sister, after Barbara came out to her parents, she "didn't feel the stress" and consequently "didn't feel the need" to continue counseling. Barbara confided, "You know, I think on the whole, it's worse in your mind than in actuality."

Greater Freedom with Coming Out Nigel. Nigel related that since he is out, he is "able to be a lot more freer with" his "feelings and what he thinks about things." Nigel told me: I'm very, I guess, 'free' is the word. I can speak my mind and if I happen to blurt out something that has something to do about being gay, it's not a big deal because everybody already knew. You're allowed to be friends with just about anyone you want to be friends with, if they want to be friends with you . . . It's just a whole different life when you're in the closet and when you're out of the closet.

This liberation extends to Nigel's use of humor. In my contact with Nigel, I noticed that he often employed a unique brand of humor, which I suspected was a coping mechanism. I queried him about this via e-mail. Nigel responded: I must say that I have a humor not unlike Betty Davis and Bette Midler combined with a bit of Joan Rivers smooched in, too. I have my varied wild and cynical humor because of many different reasons. First of all, my parents are not on the primo of sarcasm and I always felt that I had the advantage over them and most other people because I could belittle them in such a way that they didn't really even know it or care because it was so damn funny!!!! ... I also think that I am like this just because I'm gay . . . being an out of the closet gay man 162

liberates you to such an extent that you don't really care what it is that you say to anyone ... no matter how rude, crude, and socially unacceptable and quite frankly people find that refreshingly funny.

Barbara: "The gates of freedom." Barbara also spoke of the freedom that ensues from coming out in the last verses of her poem entitled Not Changing: Liberated, free for good, not going back to where I started. No more control for me I'm loose and free.

Hey, look at me if you will, but I'm not Changing.

In this poem she offered to take friends by the hand and lead them to "the gates of freedom." According to Bryan, who also experienced this freedom, his true self has been liberated. Bryan told me that now that he has come out, "It's like I like me now ... I feel like I'm now sort of who I've always been. It's just sort of now out in the open, I guess."

Miscellaneous Issues Related to Coming Out The Happiness of Acceptance. Kelly who had come out to her family only eight months before the interview underscored the happiness that accompanies the absence of heterosexism. One night Kelly and her girlfriend were sitting together on the couch, holding hands, and leaning up against each other as the family sat around "talking about nothing." Kelly recalled: 163

I got the biggest smile on my face and they didn't know why. It was just because I finally realized how happy I was .... I just kept saying, 'Wow!' and they thought I lost it... . they didn't realize that's a heterosexual privilege, you know, to be holding hands or anything as simple as that.

Not only can coming out lead to a sense of freedom and acceptance, but it may facilitate self-understanding. Advice. Because she gets "so discouraged" as a result of individual and societal heterosexism, as a means of coping Molly devised a diversity training program for Resident Assistants (RAs) to specifically address heterosexism and other LGB issues in the dorms. The most common question RAs asked of her is "how to deal with the students that are coming out." Molly advises RAs to provide "a lot of encouragement to look inside and see who they are" and "be a good friend." She emphasized, "The key isn't trying to tell them they are straight ... the key is to tell them to find out who they are." Molly's advice is congruent with what Christian told me. When 1 asked Christian how he reached the point where he seemed so comfortable with his gay identity, he replied: Inner struggle, inner peace. I had to find a comfort with myself. ... I had to separate myself from my family. I had to say, well. If they don't want to be part of me, then there is no way I can be part of them, regardless that I came from, 1 was a product of, these two people.

LGB Student Social Life In addition to their lived experiences with (a) autonomy and separation, (b) heterosexism, both on and off the college campus, and 164

(c) managing the coming out process, participants often focused on their social activities, a fourth emergent theme, during our conversational interviews. For Andrew, Brian, Julian, and others, social activities diminished the sense of loneliness and isolation, as well as fulfilled the need for belongingness and affiliation (Maslow, 1970). However, according to Mark, Molly, Jonathan, and others, issues of safety, security, and fear of being outed nonetheless sometimes interloped in social activities, due to omnipresent heterosexism. The following pages profile some lived experiences involving university sponsored LGB organizations, as well as off- campus gay bars and social clubs. Swimming in the Aguifer. I recently attended a lecture on LGB health issues at Mallowville's Lambda Social Network. A few students were present. During the question and answer session that followed, someone in the audience noted that Mallowville's gay community was sizeable, albeit very much underground. The lecturer, a family physician with a large family practice,6 agreed that, yes, the Mallowville gay community was indeed "huge" and then added that they are "so far underground, they swim in the aquifer." Many participants noted this very thing. For example, Molly thought she was "going to be one of three gay people" in Mallowville, yet she told me, "I was surprisingly shocked . . . completely shocked when I got out here how big it was. . . . There's a huge gay population out here." Barbara also recalled, "The first time I started meeting people on campus I figured, honestly, there are no gays in 165

Mallowville. I was wrong . . . there are not that many out gays in Mallowville." The "low visibility" of Mallowville's lesbigays is "because everyone is like really afraid that they are going to lose their job, or something is going to happen to them at school, violence or whatever." As a consequence of this fear, LGB organizations are often reticent to advertise their meeting times and locations, which, in turn, curtails student participation. In addition to discussing this, the next subsections highlight the value of LGB organizations and some of the unique problems they face. Fear. Mark typified those students who may be hesitant to go to a GLBSA meeting due to fear. He told me, "I'm concerned that there is going to be one of these big, bad country hicks that is going to walk in and say, 'You freaking faggots' and just start screaming, you know. . . . That's what scares me the most." Later in our conversation, Mark elaborated: I have a problem going someplace and knowing there are gay bashers out there. I mean, take the mentality of a gay basher. I'm sorry, but if I were a gay basher and I was really into 'killing the fags' ... I'm going to go where a bunch of them are meeting and get a bunch in one fell swoop instead of getting one every time I meet one. I'm concerned every time I go to church at MCC . . . about once a month, I'm in there and I'm thinking, "Oh, my gosh, there's a gay basher who wants to kill us. He's going to plant a bomb."

Due to fear of harassment and reprisals, not only were LGB support group meetings at one small community college held off campus, using a local church as a safe haven, but GLBSA meetings at one large university were initially poorly publicized, with a paucity of 166

regularly scheduled meetings. For example, Julian recalled, "We read things at a moment's notice or saw a sign up." Barbara told me it took her a year and a half to get involved with the campus GLBSA, because "it wasn't really well-advertised" and she "just didn't know about it." Similarly, Molly told me a year ago that she "would love to get involved with the GLBSA." However, Molly didn't "know where it is at and how to get there." She added, "They may have a screening situation or something like that for protection." Both Barbara and Molly eventually found out about the GLBSA via word of mouth and Molly was recently elected to fill a position as one of its officers. Not only may students fear harassment and reprisals, but many LGB students are afraid of being outed. As a consequence, LGB organizations face a unique dilemma: the seemingly paradoxical publicity-confidentiality two-step. Thus, Jonathan proposed that the key to survival of college/university LGB groups is the ability to get the word out on campus to students ... but then again there's the confidentiality thing . . . many may want to get Information without actually going to a meeting to get what they want to know. Yes, contact telephone numbers have been put on fliers, but I feel that some may want even more anonymity. That's why I have pushed for e-mail capability.

Unsteady States of LGB Organizations In the above paragraphs participants have underscored some of the unique hurdles that challenge LGB groups. These organizations have to simultaneously (a) advertise their existence while 167 endeavoring to maintain confidentiality; (b) consider activities for members who are out and those who wish to remain closeted; (c) serve students who are at different stages of homosexual identity formation (Cass, 1979); and (d) address the needs of members who are 'in your face' activists, as well as those of the assimilationist genre. As a consequence, LGB organizations may remain in a precarious state. 1 spent over a year and a half as a participant- observer at the Mallowville University GLBSA. After a period of inactivity, the group had just gotten reestablished in the spring of 1997. Julian began attending meetings around the same time as I did. He told me, "I tried to be involved before that, but there wasn't a group. ... by the time I was getting interested ... I was getting ready to be in the group and all of a sudden the group had already broken up." As Jonathan, who "was at the first organizational meeting," described it, the GLBSA "struggled" and "floundered" at first. According to Jonathan, "People were turned off by the meetings because they were too structured, you know, almost hierarchical" and a lot of people "didn't feel comfortable with that type of structure." However, a new president with a leadership style "that was almost at the extreme end of the continuum" was appointed and at the end of the 1997-98 academic year the organization started "building up more." During the last two semesters of my observations, not only did the reactivated GLBSA have regularly scheduled bimonthly meetings 168 at a local coffeehouse, but members elected a publicist, adopted a new Constitution, entered a float in the homecoming parade, and sponsored a table at an open house for prospective university students. Moreover, the group received a "token" increase in funding after a debate that was covered in the university's daily publication. Although one student senator, to show disapproval of the organization's "moral behavior," introduced an amendment to deny allocation of funds to the GLBSA, the amendment was shot down. Another senator indicated that while she morally disapproved of the organization, the Student Senate nonetheless represents "the entire student body." Still another took a more supportive stance, mentioning that the financial support was "about doing what's right." As Jonathan pointed out, "their ultimate reasoning" for the increased funding "may have been— and it was stated" in the daily publication of Mallowville University— "because there would more than likely be a lawsuit filed and every single senator would be named in the" lawsuit.7 Jonathan attributed some of the GLBSA's success to the more "liberalized," "more non-discriminatory" campus climate at Mallowville University that had evolved since the appointment of a new chancellor two years ago. Jonathan speculated that whereas the former chancellor was "very discriminatory," "very anti-gay," his replacement's "silence is an endorsement of nondiscrimination." Not only did the GLBSA flourish In this more favorable milieu, but an informal gay nontraditional/graduate student gathering, as well as a 169

"gay faculty group," started in the fall of 1997. For that reason, Jonathan opined that support of LGB students begins with and must be "passed down from the administrative level." In contrast, the chapter of the national gay fraternity. Delta Lambda Phi, at Mallowville University; two GLBSAs, one in West Texas, the other in eastern New Mexico; and an LGB support group at a community college did not fare as well. Each is currently classified as inactive. Speaking of the difficulty in maintaining the delicate balance of conflicting forces, Julian conjectured, "Well, it gets to the point where there's a limit and I think we probably felt that last year. I think we were lucky that the group survived even the second year." Julian explained that students stopped attending the meetings because "we'd have this dynamic." Someone would suggest an idea and Stephen [a conservative] is going to say, "Well, you can't do it because some people won't be comfortable doing it because they're in the closet," and Johann [an activist] is going to say, "We should do it." ... it ends up breaking down into an argument between those two. And then we'd end up doing announcements . . . announcing the next meeting, and leaving. It happened that way . . . every meeting time. . . . And people just finally stopped coming, because when you get in that rut and nothing ever changes . . .

In a similar vein, Jonathan described how, on the one hand, some members have a "borderline, nonserious" and "carefree-type attitude" of "whatever's going to happen is going to happen." On the other, said Jonathan, "you've got the vigilante type." In Jonathan's opinion: 170

That's not a good mix, because a vigilante is very outspoken, you know. ... I know if you start doing 'in your face' type things, you're going to do more harm than good . . . [for example] the homecoming parade, you know, they wanted a bunch of drag queens stuck in the bed [of the pickup truck] ... I was like, "Well, isn't that providing confirmation to the stereotypical perception?"

To circumvent this impasse, Julian proposed that "there should be things to do for both people who are in the closet and out" and people should not be belittled for wanting or not wanting to do a particular activity. Julian added, ". . . when there is not respect for people's ideas, you know, the group doesn't work very well together." Having examined the unique difficulties that pose a challenge to the vitality of LGB organizations, I turn next to their value in assuaging the sense of loneliness and isolation.

LGB Organizations: Belongingness and Support During a conversational interview, I asked Julian what distinguished him from LGB students who remain closeted or chose not to attend such organizations. Julian, who knew no other gay persons until college, responded: I guess mostly it's the fact that ... I got to a breaking point about two or three years ago to where it's like I just can't be isolated and not know [anybody]. You know, you can't live like that. ... I reached a point that I should have gone to therapy maybe back then and I might still sometime, some point in the future. But I got to the point... if I keep pushing this down, if I keep pushing this back, I'm going to really need real help. 171

If I keep trying to deny this and hide this, I'm going to need real help.

Julian's sense of isolation was commonly reported. For example, Mark related, "... you think when you're gay that you are the only one anyway. I mean, it's really hard. I know I'm not the only gay male here at this college campus, but sometimes it seems that way." Compare this to what essayist Joseph Beam (1991) wrote: In the winter of '79, in grad school ... I thought 1 was the first black gay man to have ever lived. I knew not how to live my life as a man who desired emotional, physical, and spiritual fulfillment from other men. I lived a guarded existence: I watched how I crossed my legs, held my cigarettes, the brightness of the colors I wore. I was sure that some effeminate action would alert the world to my homosexuality. I spent so much energy in self-observation that little was left for classwork ... I needed heroes, men and women I could emulate. I left without a degree; the closet door tightly shut, (pp. 261-262)

According to participants, LGB organizations can alleviate both the aforementioned sense of being the only lesbigay and the stress of having all too often to wear a straight "mask" (Hemphill, 1991, p. xv) and "don the costume that alleges" their "safety" (Beam, 1991, p. 261). LGB organizations offer places where students can be the individuals, as Bryan put It, they have "always been." Had Beam been lucky enough to secure the support of similar others in a GLBSA, he may have stayed for a degree. According to Andrew, membership in LGB organizations offers a sense "of just feeling part of the group, around people that you fit 172 in with, just knowing there are other people out there like you." In reference to support groups, Brian told me, "It's really cool because you get to meet people that are kind of in the same situation you are, that kind of have the same feelings you do, and can understand exactly where you are coming from." As noted in the first two chapters, much of the literature on coping in general and LGB youth in particular stresses the importance of social networking and support. Community. Color, and Cliques. In reference to LGB organizations, Corey, a 19-year-old sociology major, offered an alternative perspective on stress. Whereas most participants reported stress as a result of individual, cultural, or institutional heterosexism, Corey related that the stress he faced was "just things that go on within the community, not the mainstream." For example, according to Corey, the gay male community places particular emphasis on appearance. He explained, "Gay men are particular about what you wear and how you look and that can be stressful." Moreover, within one LGB organization that Corey attended "there were like cliques and stuff. That's why I stopped going." Disillusioned, Corey was puzzled by the cliques because gays "know what discrimination is like," yet they frequently persist in discriminating against one another, particularly gay persons of color. One of the members of a GLBSA, who wished to remain anonymous, spoke about the cliquishness within his organization. He told me, "I spoke to" the president about 173

talking to a few other people that I know are gay and he was like, "I don't like the people." And I feel that everybody who admits that they are gay should be allowed into this organization instead of saying, "This person isn't good enough," or something like that.

Bars and Social Clubs In addition to campus organizations, gay bars and social clubs play an important role in the LGB student subculture and were frequently mentioned by the participants in both casual conversations and formal interviews. As with LGB organizations, at these establishments LGB students can discard their straight masks and costumes and just be themselves. Yet, gay clubs are not entirely free of heterosexism. For example, Caravaggio's, which is within easy walking distance of the campus of a large university in West Texas, received a bomb threat just this past semester and patrons were forced to pile out into the cold January air while police searched the premises. I recalled Jonathan mentioning this at a GLBSA meeting, as well as during our informal conversation at the time of his interview, so I further probed about this via e-mail. Jonathan recalled: . . . when everyone was out of the building, we were standing maybe 10-15 feet from the entrance door. It hit me . . . "God, if there really is a bomb, we are so close that we'd be eating bricks." But my overall thoughts were that some people just can't leave other people alone and have to show their ignorance and prejudice. I was a little pissed off but mainly thought about how stupid the caller is and how much time he/she must have on their hands to sit around and think of doing it. 174

Things other than bomb threats present risks at Caravaggio's. For example. Christian made the mistake of taking a shortcut back to campus. He recalled, "... it was my fault though [italics added], because I left the bar there and I was going to walk down the alley because it is quicker just to go down the alley and go to campus." Again, as noted before, an element of victim blame looms, in this instance se/f-blame. Christian's attacker "stepped out behind" a nearby bar. Christian recalled: Yeah, I was walking home from the bar. But he threw the first punch. I mean, actually, he jumped on my back and I kept walking with him on my back and so he jumped off again and he like decked me in the middle of my back and that hurt. I have to say that really hurt. But I turned around and I decked him once and he hit the ground and the first thing 1 learned, basic self-defense, if you got them on the ground, keep them there. I was wearing my biker boots with the steel toe and I thought I was going to kick him in the stomach, but he moved and 1 ended up kicking him lower. But maybe he'll learn next time.

I asked if either Christian or his attacker reported the assault. Christian replied, "No. How many people . . . let's save face. If you're a big old, macho West Texas like redneck, are you going to admit that you got your ass kicked by a fag?" Kelly also experienced problems with the alley which connected to the club's parking lot. Exiting Caravaggio's with two of her women friends, Kelly recalled, "We turned the corner to go in the alley and there was this huge group of Black girls just waiting and just beat us to a pulp. Never got caught. Never." Asked if she reported the assault to the police, Kelly responded, "Yeah, and it's 175 the same two cops that come just about every time. It's a woman and a man . . . and they were really supportive." According to Kelly, "The police get called out to Caravaggio's all the time. People think it's funny to call the police on a gay club."

Heterosexism at the Cinema: Censorship and Comments In addition to heterosexism targeting gay clubs and their patrons, heterosexism materialized in the form of censorship at the cinema, a popular social activity. In order to increase my theoretical sensitivity with regard to LGB issues, I have over the last year and a half endeavored, along with reading LGB literature, to view as many germane movies as time has permitted. Therefore, last fall, my partner, adult son, and I decided to see Kiss Me Guido, which was showing at a local theater. When my partner told the ticket agent he would like three adult tickets, she shot back, "Do you know what this movie is about?" He indicated that, yes, we did indeed know. Undaunted, she promptly read a verbatim synopsis over the speaker as a crowded line of people awaited their turn to purchase tickets. When she was done, she again inquired if we were sure we wanted to see the movie. My partner once again indicated "yes" and she reluctantly dispensed three tickets. My own reactions were mixed. On the one hand, I found it ludicrous that two fifty- year-olds and their 26-year-oId son should be censored at the box office. On the other hand, after I stopped laughing at the self- appointed censor, I was livid at the heterosexism and even more 176 furious when I discovered that we were three of only seven people in the theater watching Kiss Me Guido that afternoon. I had nearly forgotten this incident until Kelly, an 'in your face' lesbian, narrated her own story of censorship: Oh, my gosh, I went to see Wild Things when it first came out, the night it came out and—okay, I'm about to be 20 in less than a month—and the lady was like, "Can I see some ID?" I was like, "How old do you have to be to see this movie?" And she was like, "Seventeen." Well, I'm fixin' to be 20. She said, "There's an explicit lesbian scene in there." I was like, "Lady, I see more than that in my bedroom every night." I told her that and her eyes and mouth just dropped open and she was, "Okay."

Jonathan also described heterosexism at the local movie theater. He and a friend had gone to see The Object of My Affection^ "a very good movie" which is free of the "proverbial squealing or prancing" and other stereotypes. Jonathan related how during a "kissing scene," "the middle section of the theater was the shocked section. ... It was like (intake of breath)." When friends of Jonathan went to see it, they, too, encountered heterosexism. Jonathan related: . . . there's one scene where Tim Daly reaches over and grabs the other guy's leg and calls him "Honey" . . . And this girl down the row a litle bit had been making comments and whenever that happened, she said, "Oh, that is just sick." And she had been making comments throughout and someone behind her said, "Get over it, honey." 177

This chapter concludes with a brief section consisting of participants' uncategorized comments: messages they felt were important for educators to hear, learn, and know about LGB students.

Participants' Parting Suggestions During the interviews, I asked participants what schools could have done to make them feel more comfortable or better supported as an LGB student and what educators could do to assist their students who are currently grappling with issues of affectional- erotic orientation. This chapter concludes with wise words from the participants who, having told their tales, suggested what educators could hear, learn, and know about LGB students.

Brian As did Jonathan, Brian believed changes should start at the administrative level. He told me: If I were in charge of this campus, I would definitely make sure. . . that the students on my campus always feel comfortable, that they feel like they're home. And, you know, that's whether they're gay, lesbian, straight, whatever— everyone, regardless of what their background is.

Moreover, Brian asserted that all too often colleges and universities are so focused on "technical things like paying and tuition . . . that they totally forget about making the students feel that this is somewhere they want to be. . . . That would be part of my job as a human being as someone that is supposed to be protecting them." 178

Jonathan Jonathan wanted to remind educators that "they should have the mind set and attitude" that "their students are from every type of background." Moreover, "they should be able to Interact" with the students whether or not they believe what the student is doing is appropriate. Teachers should not be "in the position to criticize or judge." "If a student trusts a teacher enough to" go talk to them about whether they are gay or think they might be gay . . . then they should try to be nonjudgmental and deal with it on an objective basis. If they don't feel like they're adequately informed or they feel they can't do justice to the student, then they can say, "I'll tell you what. Let me find some information or resources." And even if they are bigoted as hell, then, "Well, I'm not the person you should really be talking about this with, so let me find some resources for you."

Kelly As did Mark, Molly, and others, Kelly recalled hearing teachers discuss lesbigays in a negative manner as in the following example: I remember one of my teachers—we were talking about Ellen when she came out—and she just said how bad this was and she never should have come out, she should have just kept it to herself ... I can remember what she said, something like, 'This is just going to convince everybody who likes Ellen to be gay.' I was sitting there and I was just like, "You know, I like Reba but that doesn't convince me to be straight." ... I was just amazed. I was like "What?"

Kelly suggested that if teachers would say that being gay is okay, "just like that's who you are," then students would not make it 179

"that big of a deal, because the students get the ideas from the teachers."

Jason

Jason proposed, "If somebody just told me that I wasn't alone, that I'm not the only one with this, it would have done wonders." When asked what he would like to tell the general public if given a chance, Jason responded: I would tell this tale and I would say I'm not some anonymous person. We are your sons; we are your daughters; we are your educators; we are your ministers. Contrary to how society views homosexuals, society has got the picture all wrong and you're letting really radical fringe groups—political groups and religious groups—ruin your sons and daughters, your teachers, your ministers, people's lives. We're everywhere really and we're not the godless monsters we're being portrayed as. We work, we go to school, we struggle with everything you do—[just] a little bit more. We love just the same. We love God just the same. We're happy. We're sad. Everything. We're just your average . . . we're your neighbor.

Summary This chapter provided a phenomenological account of the daily school experiences of LGB students in Texas, focusing in particular on the heterosexism participants encountered within educational institutions.8 Early same-sex attraction, early labeling as homosexual, verbal harassment, physical assaults, and involuntary outing were discussed as emergent themes in participants' narratives of lived experiences in K-12. Privacy concerns, a theme 180 overarching high school and college, were next considered. Lastly, four themes that emerged with regard to institutions of higher education were examined: separation and autonomy, on- and off- campus heterosexism, the coming out process, and LGB student social life. A summary of each participant's lived experiences in the form of individual maps can be found in Appendix G. These maps highlight the stressors discussed by each participant, as well as his or her feelings in response to these stressors. In addition, as discussed in this and the following chapter, his or her coping efforts, the intent of which was to manage the situation and/or handle the emotions, are shown on each map. 181

Notes

iTo protect confidentiality, all participants are referred to by pseudonyms. A number of students chose their own pseudonyms (Brian, Bryan, Christian, Mark, Kelly). In addition, locations and other identifiers have either been given pseudonyms (e.g., Hickman and Mallowville) or have been changed.

2Underlined words are defined in Appendix A, The Glossary. 3These words come from the song Live to Tell (Madonna & Leonard, 1990). The personal significance of these words for Christian are discussed later in describing his suicide attempt.

4As Christian specifically stated that he responded 'no' to Mrs. Perry's question about suicide, she apparently regarded gay students as less deserving of confidentiality.

5ln all written materials of participants, I have taken the liberty of correcting spelling and major errors in grammar.

6For heterosexual readers to fully appreciate this pun, refer to the definition for Family/Family of Choice.

^According to Rivera (1991, p. 87), "Both federal and state courts have held that meeting, forming formal student groups, advocating, even socializing together are constitutionally protected as free speech and free association. Courts have forced state universities and colleges to provide equal space and equal funding to gay student groups." Rivera cited Gay Student Services v. Texas A&M University (1984) as a landmark case.

8Having highlighted in this chapter some of the lived experiences of LGB students in Texas, as well as passed on a bit of their wisdom to educators, I conclude with a cautionary note. Interviews with these same participants a decade from now will undoubtedly yield modified interpretations and revised 182 constructions of the foregoing lived experiences. The issue is not how congruent their accounts as college students are with those one year, five years, or ten years from now, but rather how these students created personal meaning at the particular point in time of the interview. In fact, given that (a) many of the participants have still to reach the sixth stage of Cass' (1979) developmental model of homosexual identity formation, and (b) individuals continually create their identities, as well as idiosyncratic versions of reality, future interpretations are likely to differ in at least some respects. Moreover, as the intent of this study was to illuminate the lived experience of being an LGB student in Texas and to offer the 14 lesbian and gay students who volunteered to participate in conversational interviews the opportunity to tell their individual tales, the findings of this study are not meant to be generalized. CHAPTER V EMERGENT STRATEGIES FOR COPING WITH HETEROSEXISM WITHIN TEXAS EDUCATIONAL INSTITUTIONS

Introduction The preceding chapter provided a phenomenological account of the daily school experiences of lesbian, gay, and bisexual (LGB) students in West Texas, thereby addressing the first research goal of this study. This chapter considers my second research goal: to explore how LGB students cope with the difficulties associated with being an LGB student in educational institutions in Texas. Herein, participants further describe the stressors they have encountered due to heterosexism both in and out of the academy, their emotional responses to these stressors, and their efforts to cope. More specifically, this chapter highlights how creative coping strategies served to reduce, minimize, master, tolerate, or otherwise transform the impact of individual, cultural, and institutional heterosexism. Because both phenomenology and symbolic interaction served as the theoretical underpinnings of this study, much of this chapter will again consist of "thick description" (Geertz, 1973, p. 3), which details and examines the intents, purposes, meanings, contexts, conditions, and circumstances of action, as opposed to thin description, which simply relates the act itself (Denzin,1988). I

183 184 have again remained as faithful as possible to the participants' own words in order to capture their "voices, emotions, and actions" (Denzin, 1992, p. xvi) as they coped with their marginalization within educational institutions. Because coping strategies were both quantitatively and qualitatively different as schooling progressed, coping efforts of LGB students are presented in this chapter in the order they developed and according to academic chronology. One reason for this chronological organization is that distinct coping strategies emerged and will be explicated with regard to the different academic levels. For example, participants reported a dearth of coping strategies during the elementary years. Already discussed in the preceding phenomenological accounts, these initial efforts are only briefly reviewed below. However, with the emergence of sexuality during middle school/junior high and participants' dawning recognition of their sexual orientation, coping efforts became more numerous, albeit still idiosyncratic. By the late high school and early college years, more commonalities emerged, with participants using counseling, direct action, the Internet, pride, social support, and suicide as a means of coping.

Coping Efforts of LGB Students As noted earlier in Chapter II, for the purposes of this study coping refers to "the person's cognitive and behavioral efforts to manage (reduce, minimize, master, or tolerate) the internal and 185 external demands of the person-environment interaction that is appraised as taxing or exceeding the person's resources" (Folkman, Lazarus, Gruen, & DeLongis, 1986, p. 572). Thus, coping responses are an eclectic set of thoughts and behaviors employed to help the individual deal with and/or tolerate the demands dictated by acute or chronic stressors. The definition includes no implication as to success or failure of the coping strategy, referring only to efforts to manage the stressful encounter, and effective coping does not necessarily result in successful outcomes or mastery. Accordingly, whereas some of participants' coping efforts were productive (e.g., taking direct action, physical distancing, seeking social support), other strategies were ineffectual, even detrimental (e.g., attempting suicide, ignoring, using alcohol). Participants reported that still other coping efforts were inconsistent in their outcome (e.g., cultural inversion/pride, religion, social withdrawal), proving beneficial at some times and unproductive at others. These and other coping strategies are discussed below. Altogether, in the process of relating their lived experiences, participants illuminated 30 coping efforts in response to heterosexism and other stressors, as summarized in Table 5.1.

Elementary School In addition to following the advice of parents and teachers to ignore the heterosexism, coping responses during the elementary years included asking for information and social withdrawal. Other 186

Table 5.1. Summary of the coping strategies of LGB participants.

PARTICIPANTS

MEANS OF COPING And Bar Bri Bry Chr Cor Dan

Acting out X X Affiliation w/ fringe grps X X Alcohol/substance use X X Assertiveness X Bibliotherapy/Books X X Church/Religion X Conscious blocking Conscious change Consulting a counselor ' X X X Daydreaming X Direct action X X Dropping out X Humor/sarcasm X Identification X Ignoring X Internet use X Overachievement X Physical distancing X X X Physical exercise X Prescription meds X X Pride X X X X Self-defense X Self-understanding X X Social support X X X X X X Social withdrawal Stress inoculation X Suicide, attempts/ideation X Truancy Volunteer work X X Writing X X

Note. Participants are listed by the first three letters of their pseudonyms: Andrew, Barbar Brian, Bryan, Christian, Corey, Daniel. 187

Table 5.1. Continued.

PARTICIPANTS

MEANS OF COPING Jas Jon Jul Kel Mar Mol Nig

Acting out Affiliation w/ fringe grps X Alcohol/substance use X X Assertiveness X XX Bibliotherapy/Books X Church/Religion X XX Conscious blocking X Conscious change X Consulting a counselor X X Daydreaming Direct action X XXX Dropping out X Humor/sarcasm X Identification Ignoring X XX Internet use X XXX Overachievement X Physical distancing X Physical exercise Prescription meds X X Pride X X X X Self-defense Self-understanding X Social support XX XXX Social withdrawal X XXX Stress inoculation X Suicide, attempts/ideation X XXX Truancy X Volunteer work X Writing

Note. Participants are listed by the first three letters of their pseudonyms: Jason, Jonathan, Julian, Kelly, Mark, Molly, and Nigel. 188 strategies were idiosyncratic and infrequent, with few overlapping patterns emerging. For example, Nigel related that he currently still employed conscious blocking, what Thoits (1991a, p. 137) referred to as "thought-stopping," as a means of coping with the painful memories of his elementary school years. Compared to the later years of schooling, a paucity of coping efforts were reported during the elementary years. However, with the emergence of sexuality any time from late elementary to middle school/junior high and participants' dawning recognition of their sexual orientation, coping efforts became more numerous, albeit still idiosyncratic. In the preceding phenomenological accounts, participants reported using a number of strategies to cope with the increasing awareness of their sexual orientation and the concomitant stigmatlzatlon: acerbic retorts, avoidance, direct action, and physical distancing.

Junior High and High School At the junior high and high school levels, participants employed numerous coping strategies, serving a variety of functions. Whereas overachievement served to gain attention while simultaneously deflecting attention from sexual orientation, membership in fringe groups such as cults, gangs, and the "New Wavers" was aimed at diminishing the sense of isolation and loneliness. Social withdrawal, truancy, and dropping out of school all served to physically distance LGB students from troublesome 189

heterosexism. Of particular note, five of the fourteen participants reported suicide attempts or suicidal ideation for the purpose of ending their felt pain due to heterosexism. These and other coping efforts are discussed in the following pages.

Overachievement During our interview in his dorm room. Christian ventured over to his bookcase housing an extensive collection of gay literature. Picking out one. Christian told me, "This book almost fit my life: The Best Little Boy in the World." Written by John Reid, this book is about a student who used overachievement to deflect attention away from his affectional-erotic orientation, which, explained Christian, "was what was going on with me until everybody found out." However, pressure to overachieve came from both outside as well as within. He elaborated: I was supposed to be everything that my father was and was not. I was supposed to just be the bomb. I was supposed to be the great kick. And, you know, they put me in sports. They had high plans for me to do really well in school. I was supposed to be involved with this group and that group and everything else and that's a lot of pressure for a kid. That's one of the things you look at and you go: hhhh. I mean, you just. . .1 didn't have a lot of friends growing up because I was always doing this and this and this. And it was always how much could I do and how well could I do it. My father is definitely one of those fathers who you've heard about at baseball games that [yells], "HE CAN HIT THAT BALL," you know, just screaming. And if the umpire said, 'Out' or 'Strike,' he was the first one up there at that chain link fence, you know, yelling and screaming at the umpire. 190

Moreover, Christian's family had eight kids, so not only did overachievement divert attention from his affectional-erotic orientation, but it served to assure a position in the family and secure attention. Christian explained, "You either have to be the loudest, the funniest, the most intelli—, the smartest, you have to make the best grades, or you have to be the one that can piss them off the fastest to get any attention at all." Referring back to Reid's The Best Little Boy in the Worlds Christian continued, "But his book is just being everything mom and dad ever wanted you to be. And then when they, my parents, found out I was gay, they turned all the attention on my next youngest brother." Growing Up Too Fast. Like Christian, Nigel, too, "was an overachiever in a big way" and "very mature about it." He was "involved in everything," including "theater, band, all the UlL [University Interscholastic League] academic activities." In Nigel's opinion, many gay students are forced to "grow up really fast" because they "learn how to just say, 'These are kids and I am not, because I am not like them.'" As a consequence, they often "tend to be more mature in school" and "get great grades." Nigel suggested, "I think gay people tend to be more focused . . . when you grow up fast, you tend to realize what your goals are faster. You tend to know what you want more." However, "not necessarily in your personal life," because "once they [LGB students] get out of high school they're wild, crazy idiots. Little boys . . . they're terrible 191 little boys" during college. Nigel informed me, "You always got to relive your childhood."

Social Withdrawal According to participants, some students who are socially withdrawn (i.e., the "loners") may be attempting to cope with their affectional-erotic orientation. Whereas overachievement served to deflect attention from affectional-erotic orientation, social withdrawal was employed as an avoidance strategy. Because participants were aware that LGB students frequently become the targets of denigration and stimatization, the fear of being 'discovered' as gay constituted a significant stressor for them. Consequently, Jason used social withdrawal, "going more into a shell," as a means of avoiding discovery of his affectional-erotic orientation (". . . if people don't know me, people won't know I'm gay"). Mark, too, "was not socializing with anybody because he was scared" someone would discover he was gay. In contrast, Nigel withdrew because he wanted to avoid persons who had hurt or betrayed him, those whom he felt were untrustworthy. Although social withdrawal served to either conceal participants' affectional-erotic orientation or avoid further felt pain, it nonetheless led to increased feelings of isolation and loneliness. Thus, the following three participants reported additional coping efforts, some more adaptive than others, aimed at alleviating the effects of the concomitant loneliness and isolation. 192

While Nigel made a conscious effort to change himself during high school, neither Jason nor Mark emerged from the social withdrawal until college years. Nigel: Conscious Change. During his freshman and sophomore year in high school, Nigel went through an extended period of pessimism together with social withdrawal because he didn't "want to be around other people." He informed me, "I went through a stage when I couldn't believe in other people any more. It was worthless." At that time, Nigel thought, "People are my enemy. People are going to hurt me and make me feel like crap." Yet, Nigel reported, "I changed that myself." Nigel decided, "People are going to hurt me, so I'm going to make myself better. I lost a lot of weight. I did working out." For further impression management, Nigel added "contacts and a little bit of fashion sense . . . Thank God . . . Thank the Fairy Queen." This conscious effort paid off and even had a snowball effect: I started to be more outgoing again. I got self-confidence. I started talking to people. I didn't care what people thought of me. It's no big deal. And that was when I realized that being gay is just a small part ... I just treated it like it was normal. And everybody else started to treat it as if it were kind of normal.

Nigel was the self-fulfilling prophecy personified: "It's a surprising thing. When you start accepting yourself, people tend to accept you a lot more." Consequently, Nigel "became quite popular" and suspected that he was the 'token' gay, "which is a common thing with straight people." 193

Jason. Jason's experiences proved to be less positive than Nigel's. When Jason was a sophomore in high school, he "took a psychology class" and "they touched on homosexuality." Jason recalled, "The students laughed and snickered and joked and I sat back and thought, 'Ooh . . . don't for a second let on that you are this way.'" Consequently, Jason, already shy in nature, used social withdrawal as a coping mechanism. He recollected: I think what I did was I got more into a shell and I thought if people don't know me, people won't know I'm gay. So, I went to class and I sat in the back of the room. "Loner"—that's what a bunch of people would call me—"loner," because I didn't talk to anybody. I went to my car, got my lunch, and ate in my car.

Fortunately, Jason's loneliness and isolation began to dissolve after he came out at the age of 20 during his first semester at a small community college. Jason related, "I met some gay friends and what do you know? I really wasn't very shy around them and 1 just got in with the group for the first time in my life." Andrew also underscored the importance of LGB organizations in offsetting the inclination to withdraw socially. Mark and his Close Friend. Jack Daniels. Mark, who had more friends after coming out, told me, "I had shoved myself so far into the closet that I was not socializing with anybody, because I was scared [of coming out]." He began to use alcohol and, to jump ahead a few years, by college Mark reached the point that "Jack Daniels . . . was the closest friend" he "ever had." Mark told me, "I lived in a bottle for a good six months of my life." Now aware that this 194 alcohol abuse was "the most negative thing" he has done, Mark explained the function alcohol served: At the time it was wonderful. At the minute 1 had the bottle in my hand and I was drinking, I was feeling good and, you know, I could sit there and . . . say something, you know, about being gay, or whatever—as my brother and I like to put it 'flame out' . . . [and] chalk it up to alcohol. But that didn't really help because it got to the point where ... the only time I could be gay was by drinking. And the only way I could tell people how I really feel is by drinking.

The following day when friends would tell him what he had said, he would reply, "I don't understand that. I was probably drunk. Disregard it." The "final straw" was when Mark, who is now only 23, "got a DUI" and "was in jail for three days." Hospitalized twice, Mark agreed to take antabuse. Attempting to employ more adaptive coping strategies, Mark obtained a list of LGB resources from one of the gay-affirmative instructors at his community college last fall. He began attending and recently joined the Metropolitan Community Church (MCC), where he has received considerable support. Of note, however, Mark has not only recently returned to the use of alcohol in an effort to cope with gay-related difficulties, but has had to be hospitalized due to serious suicidal ideation of late. Mark was not unique in his use of suicide as a means of coping with heterosexism. One out of every three participants related his or her own experiences with suicide. 195

Suicide: Ideation and Attempts Sedgwick (1993) believed that all researchers who do LGB studies are haunted by adolescent suicides. The research at hand is no exception. Had it not been for fortuitous intervening circumstances, several of the participants would not have lived to tell their tales.

Christian: "Live to Tell" Christian recalled, "I still just felt I didn't have a place." So, as an adolescent attempting to end his own life. Christian had already started to take his grandfather's heart medication: "It supposedly would speed up my heart and then as soon as the medication really had effect, it would slow it down really fast as well and that would put me in a cardiac arrest." Alone in his room and listening to the radio. Christian swallowed the pills and serendipitously Madonna's song Live to Tell (Madonna & Leonard, 1990) began to play. "It was the first time they ever played it on the station. It just saved my life ... I listened to the lyrics."2 Christian claimed that he owes his life to both Madonna and to his grandmother. "I failed because my grandmother came upstairs because I had my radio too loud." "What led up to the suicide attempt?" I asked. Without hesitation Christian replied: My dad calling and saying, "I can't believe you're letting that faggot live with you." My grandmother crying every time my father would call. Just feeling like I didn't have a place. I 196

mean, I was living in a place now that I didn't know anybody. Yeah, I had that one teacher. I was going to the gay church, the MCC, but I still just felt that I didn't have a place.

Identification. Christian disclosed that since his suicde attempt, "Madonna has always been my constant." As noted earlier, Christian had already taken medication in a suicide attempt when Madonna's Live to Tell premiered on the radio. Christian confided, "It just saved my life." Christian's "coping was Madonna." He explained, "... for the years that I didn't know what my family wanted from me and I didn't know what I wanted from myself, I turned everything into Madonna. I mean its kind of obvious." Christian was referring to his dorm room which had a conspicuous Madonna motif: photos, posters, a large collage of Madonna cut outs, and a huge collection of her tapes and CDs. Thus, as a coping effort. Christian employed the Freudian defense mechanism of identification. Using identification, an individual increases self- esteem by forming an imaginary relationship with a person. Christian continued: Madonna gave me my self-strength. She gave me my ability to look at things differently. I mean, in a lot of her songs she says step up for yourself. If you don't do it right this time, try it again. Do it 'til you get it right. There's all these t-shirts that say, 'If at first you don't succeed, give up because I'll be better than you' and I refuse to allow that.

Madonna not only provided Christian with consistency, surrogate care, and advice, but her message inspired Christian's perseverance. 197

Jason Jason related that while he was a senior in high school, a confluence of things led up to serious suicidal ideation. First, he was friends with a student "a little. I would talk to him and say 'Hi' and that was about it." This student, who was out and openly gay, was treated "very cruelly." "Guilt by association" is a common phrase specifically mentioned by a number of participants (e.g., Molly, Nigel). This refers to the frequent assumption that because one associates with a gay person, one must be gay, too. Thus, gay and straight students alike largely wish to avoid this stigma. Jason recounted, "Well rumors got started about me, because I was friends with him. And I thought, 'This is going to be ninth grade all over again.' And it was. I started getting notes in my locker." Jason got "maybe three or four" of these notes "over a period of time, but," he recalled, "it would mess me up for days and I was scared." Further compounding this threatening situation, Jason had just terminated a relationship with Joey due to guilt. Severing ties with Joey was particularly rough because, as Jason told me, "I was ecstatic and I had a crush on him ... I was just infatuated with him." Attracted to Joey, yet tugged away by religious convictions, the following passage reflects Jason's struggles. We would occasionally start doing some sexual things . . . and 1 started getting overcome with guilt. And I was like, I can't do this. I'm going to go to Hell. This isn't right. This isn't what God wants. And I met him . . . and I said, "We can't do this anymore and I'm not going to risk going to hell over this" and 198

basically just shoved him off. It was killing me doing it. It was killing me doing it [italics added].

So, Jason "was missing Joey" and had returned to self-imposed isolation with its concomitant loneliness. At this same time, Jason, whose passion is politics, was keeping abreast of current events on television and in the newspaper. The rising tide of religious opposition washing against his island of isolation was the catalyst pushing Jason in the direction of suicide: I was reading things about the Christian Coalition and I was reading about these groups that just hated me. And these were other Christians and they were hating me. And I was a Christian, too, and God was important to me. And I thought, "I'm not going to live through this. I'm not going to live my life practically persecuted for something I can't help."

In a manner similar to Christian, there were times that Jason would get his father's heart medicine and prepare to take it but then get scared: I would think, "I'm going to go to Hell for committing suicide. What is that going to do, you know?" ... It was awful. It was just a nightmare, a nightmare. I drove out to the country with a gun. And I just sat there on some county to market road and ... I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if I should call Monsignor. I didn't know if I should go to a pay phone and call my mom. I didn't know what to do and I sat there for a long time. I don't know how long I sat there. It was a long, long while, but I just sat there. And I didn't know what to do. And, finally, I don't know If I got over what I was feeling at the moment or what, but I drove home. And, uhm, I remember I drove home and I just went to bed. I didn't tell anybody what had just happened, how on the brink I was. 199

Although Jason never told his mother what had happened that afternoon, she recently disclosed that "she was scared to leave" him "alone at that period of" his life and that "she was scared to go to sleep at night because she was afraid that" Jason "was going to do something." Jason voiced his concern over gay adolescent suicide: There's normal, average kids right now who are like I was and every time I hear about a teen suicide, the first thing I think [is], "I wonder if they were gay?" because statistics are astronomical. And those are supposed to be happy years ... fun years. Uh uh. Not if you're different.

Jason now aspires to be a social worker so he can assist others In similar circumstances.

Kelly As did Jason, Kelly also felt the sting of heterosexist hatred and as a consequence both socially withdrew and contemplated suicide. Kelly told me, "... the one reason I kept to myself so much" was because "teachers would make comments . . . and I grew up in a small town and everybody there were like rednecks, you know, bigots." Kelly recalled, where "I was coming from, everybody was talking about 'these people' and how they were bad. And I was like, 'That's me.' I got so depressed. I didn't want to live like this. I wanted to be like everybody else." Talking about her sense of isolation, Kelly continued: It got so bad, I mean, when I had nobody to talk to about this ... I had nobody-. .. because I didn't know anybody [gay]. I 200

didn't know where to go. I didn't know anything. And, uh, when I was a sophomore in high school, I actually went as far as I wrote a suicide note and I had a gun. And my best friend called and she was like, "I don't know why I called. I just felt something." And so after that, we talked on the phone. And after that I was like, "I can't do this. I have to live my life so other kids don't go this far. I have to make a difference."

As happened with Christian, serendipity once again intervened. Had Kelly's friend not chosen to call at that time, the outcome may have been different. Her own brush with suicide is just one of several that touched Kelly personally. Kelly related, "My best friend came out to her mom. It just built up so much that she couldn't handle it any more and she tried committing suicide and she slit her wrists and the whole thing." In addition, her "friend's little brother . . . committed suicide two years ago and they found out later just by going through his stuff that he was gay. He never left a suicide note. He didn't leave anything, so nobody had a clue why he died." Consequently, Kelly decided to major in psychology, "what I wanted to go into to see if I could help kids like him," with hopes of becoming an LGB youth counselor. Jason also noted that "a special emphasis needs to be placed on gay youth more than anything else. When you're a little older, you can deal with it better. But when you're young, you don't have the resources and the pull that you've got when you're older." As noted above, suicide is one means of coping with feelings of isolation and loneliness. Participants described not knowing any other gays, thus feeling like the only one; the dearth of available 201 information on similar others; and the lack of support. However, in the following paragraphs, participants discuss two coping strategies—alternatives to suicide—which helped them alleviate the sense of isolation and loneliness: (a) Use of the Internet, and (b) membership in fringe groups.

The Internet: Relief for Isolation and Loneliness A number of participants cited the Internet as a means of diminishing the sense of isolation and loneliness. Mark, who described feeling like the only gay male on his campus, told me, "The advent of the Internet has opened up so much . . . when I was first online ... it was like the sun broke throught the clouds. It was awesome." The Internet, then, serves important functions for the current generation of LGB students: (a) access to information on lesbigays, (b) networking and social support, and (c) opportunities to date. Like Mark, not only did Kelly not know any other gay persons, but she had no information on similar others. Kelly recalled, "I asked myself a million questions, "Why me? Why do / have to be different?'" It was not until after she got America Online that she had any friends that were gay or lesbian. "Then I realized," continued Kelly, "I'm not different. I'm just the same as anybody else. I just like women. And once I realized that, it was a lot better." Kelly continued, "I found out so much information . . . just looking stuff up on the computer. I had no Idea. I've made friends 202 and" she confided, "I met the love of my life." Kelly outlined several advantages of computer dating: We talked for eight months and it was great, because we didn't have like the worries of how each looked. You just concentrated on what you thought your values and beliefs [are]. We just clicked right off the bat. And she moved down here and she's going to stay here until I get out of school.

In addition, both Molly and Barbara have met dates via the Internet. However, Corey cautioned that with the Internet, "You are talking with people from all over the world. You don't know who they really are—it's just somebody on the other side of the screen, so you could be getting yourself in trouble. You know, this may be a dangerous person . . ." Although she met and subsequently dated Shay as a result of the Internet, Barbara concurred with Corey: "There's just a lot of psychos out there and that's kind of dangerous, I think." Things other than the Internet may also pose danger to lonely, isolated LGB students. According to several participants, membership in fringe groups may represent a sometimes deleterious coping response.

Membership in Fringe Groups The Occult Bryan: Anger and Rebellion. Bryan dallied with the occult and Satan worship as a form of rebellion against society's hatred of, as Bryan put it, "outsiders," that is, persons who are different. Bryan 203 revealed that he "went through this angry stage around like 8th grade," which "just sort of wore out." Not only did Bryan daydream a lot, but he was "rude In class," and was "disrespectful" to teachers. Bryan explained, "Some of it was [that] I was just so miserable." At that time he was "pretty much an outsider" and "knew pretty much at that point that" he "was gay." Bryan explained: 1 also knew how much hatred there was against gays ... 1 never really thought, "Oh, yes. I am gay and a lot of people hate that." But I think deep down somewhere I knew that and it made me just really mad at the world, you know. I was just mad at the world, because I fought with my dad all the time . . . I hated [Catholic] school, because I didn't want to go.

Bryan continued, "Anyway, I went through this stage where I was kind of interested in the occult, like Satan worship and things like that," which "was probably a lot of the reason we fought, too." Reflecting at the age of 21 on his interest in the occult, Bryan told me, "Now 1 think I did that because . . . how else could you rebel? You know what I mean? What is the perfect rebellion against the perfect Catholic schoolboy? Well, I was really on the other side of the spectrum." Barbara, too, in one of her poems which remains untitled, mentioned the coping strategies of "rebellion" and "acting up. Several other participants discussed similar coping strategies. For example, Nigel described his classmate, Bobby Stephens, who was a "nerd," and "a wimp to the max, but he was a good kid." Bobby made the mistake of coming out in a small town. "It was a really 204 bad move. He had nobody to back him up. He was kind of a reject as it was." Nigel disclosed, "I would talk to him as long as it wasn't in public ... and I'd tell him, 'You've got to watch your back. You've got to be really subtle about this stuff.'" Bobby, a "very slender, a very small guy," "got his butt kicked quite a bit ... at least once a month" by "five or six" "football team kind of kids." Nigel continued: Now here's the really bad part about it . . . After all the rejection he received, he started turning to circles of people that really didn't mind he was gay and in Hickman, Texas, there is a small Satanic cult that is okay with being gay. So, he got into witchcraft and all this other crap, as I would like to put it, and now he's Satanic. And I'm Christian, so I really have a problem with that . . . When I saw that happen, I decided that from there on I was always going to stick with my beliefs. What people said didn't matter ... 1 was going to live through Hickman. I was going to get on with my life. 1 was going to come to a town where everybody was very accepting. Isn't that funny?

After serious reflection on his religious beliefs in the midst of the above excerpt, Nigel provided a little comic relief and we burst out laughing because Nigel opined that the large university he currently attended "attracts every hick and cowgirl there is. This is a very hickafied place." In my observations of Nigel, he frequently used caustic humor, which is discussed later in this chapter, to lessen the solemnity of a situation. This humor notwithstanding, Nigel reported that his religious beliefs and expectations for greater acceptance in the future kept him out of the fringe groups. 205

Cults are not the only groups to which LGB students turn in order to relieve their sense of isolation. Daniel identified several others: I've got many friends that turned to . . . the people who did drugs to find a group or perhaps thought about joining gangs [which] weren't that prominent at the time, even thought about going into a totally different class of people than they normally hang around with just to feel accepted.

The New-Wavers Membership in other fringe groups may be transient and prove to be an effective strategy to cope with LGB students' sense of loneliness and isolation by temporarily fulfilling their needs for acceptance and affiliation. For example. Christian hung out with the crowd of "New-Wavers," who wore black clothes and "listened to what people called 'alternative music.'" Molly, too, was in this group and wore "strange hair" and "black make-up." She explained, "Everybody thought the crowd was ... the freaks . . . but it was the group I felt more comfortable in because [nobody cared] what you looked like, what you did." As highlighted above, participants' coping efforts functioned in a number of ways. Social withdrawal served to conceal participants' affectional-erotic orientation, suicide was aimed at ending their felt pain due to heterosexism, and membership in fringe groups served to diminish participants' sense of isolation and loneliness. Participants related that dropping out of school served 206 various purposes as a coping strategy: to relocate to a more supportive environment, to avoid derision, and to escape physical assaults. Truancy and dropping out are discussed on the following pages.

Dropping Out According to participants, LGB students may drop out of high school for a number of reasons, one of which is to relocate to a more supportive environment, thereby alleviating their sense of loneliness and isolation. Daniel knew people who "actually did drop out of high school at the time because they found friends elsewhere in the community like closer to Dallas that were supportive of them and that were [gay], too." Moreover, as a result of the unchecked verbal and physical harassment within their respective schools, both Christian and Jason dropped out of high school during their senior year, each after reaching his "breaking point."

Jason: Truancy Prior to Dropping Out Due to verbal harassment, Jason was truant "a minimum of once a week" prior to dropping out altogether. Jason, who "would act sick," told me, "I was playing hookey from school a lot and just crying and begging and pleading for her [Mom] not to make me go to school." When not feigning illness, Jason frequently "skipped." He told me, "If Mom were driving, I would, as soon as she drove away, 1 would walk in the opposite direction." Although the school would 207 inform his mother of his absences, no one ever attempted to talk directly with Jason to ascertain the problem. However, Jason himself finally approached the school counselor about the conflicts he was having with regard to his affectional-erotic orientation. According to Jason, he "was just miserable" and "saw things up on the walls that if you have personal problems, come talk to the counselor." He revealed, "It took all the guts I had to talk with her." "I tried telling her that I had done something with a guy . . . mind you, in high school at this point I was coming to school maybe once a week." Yet, "the whole conversation was maybe five minutes" and considerably frustrating as shown in the following passage: I told her kind of what was going on and she gave me this babble, "Well, did this make you feel bad?" and all this stuff. And then she's like, "Well, you know, this too shall pass." And, you know, I just sat there looking at her and I thought, "Lady" ... I was like, "Screw you."

After he was saved by the girl gang members during his assault in the high school parking lot, Jason knew that to preserve his dignity he could not return to school. Thus, with only six weeks left until graduation, he dropped out. Jason underscored, "I don't regret my decision to this day. I couldn't go back. I knew what it would be like." At 19, Jason took the General Equivalency Diploma (GED). As he wanted a real diploma, Jason also enrolled in an out- of-state program, a high school correspondence course which took him "four or five months" to complete. 208

Jason's personal experiences led him to write a paper on dropouts for a college course. To gather information for the paper, Jason interviewed a gay public school administrator "who quoted homosexuality as one of the reasons students drop out." According to Jason, the administrator's hands remain tied. The administrator told him, "What can I do? I can't mention it to parents. I can't say, 'Let's get a gay student task force going.'"

Christian: "I hit a breaking point" Christian dropped out of school because "two or three [classmates] came up behind me at a time . . . [and] beat me up, considerably beat me up, not just deck me a few times, you know . . . just right outside the school or sometimes . . . they could corner me in the bathroom." Similar to Jason in that he was nearing graduation at the time he dropped out. Christian explained, "Stupid me, I did it at Christmas before I would graduate. I couldn't, I just could not take it anymore. I mean, I thought that I hit a breaking point." So, Christian moved to a large city to get a job. Christian told me: I never went back and lived with my parents. I . . . you know, I lived with friends that had graduated high school and that had their own apartments. Or I would stay with, you know, just other people that I knew—people that weren't quite friends, I just knew them—just so that I wouldn't have to go home.

Whereas the above strategies were largely means of escaping or avoiding heterosexism, ignoring was aimed at disregarding it After following the advice of school personnel to ignore verbal and 209 physical harassment and trying unsuccessfully to overlook it, a number of participants discovered that confronting the heterosexism, that is, "standing up for yourself," proved to be a far more effective coping strategy.

Assertiveness "Ignore It": Ineffective Advice In Chapter IV, participants provided several examples of school personnel advising them to "ignore it" (i.e., name-calling, harassing notes, teasing). Yet, nearly unanimously, students reported that this was an ineffective coping strategy. For example, Nigel sought out one teacher he "felt comfortable with" because he was "very stressed out" as a consequence of the name-calling. Concerned, she advised him to go down to the principal's office to see if something could be done to stop it. Nigel recalled that the principal told him, "Name-calling is something that always happens. You got to turn into a duck and let the water go off your back." Nigel reflected bitterly, "'Just ignore it. It's no big deal.' They don't know what they're talking about." In our conversational interview, Nigel still exhibited considerable resentment, calling straight men in general and male administrators in particular "the least understanding pricks." He elaborated, "I always felt I had been betrayed by them . . . They just said, 'Well, it [teasing] is a fact of life. If you want to get along in the world, you're just going to have 210 to learn to get along with these kids.'" Nothing was done to stop students from harassing Nigel—or Brian, Christian, Jason, or Molly.

"Stand Up for Yourself" Participants reported that assertiveness, what they called "standing up for yourself," worked more effectively than trying to ignore heterosexism. For example, Molly reflected, "If I had known what I know now, I would have stood up for myself a long time ago." Teachers "can't tell kids to fight, but they can find a way to tell them to stand up for themselves and make it known they don't like it." Molly's first experience with assertiveness was in connection with society's fat bias. As previously mentioned, Molly was ridiculed throughout her school years because she was overweight. A month and a half or two months before her high school graduation, Molly "was so tired of it." One of her male classmates made one joke too many. Here's Molly's account of what happened next: I just [said], "That's it," slammed my hands down on the desk. I said, "Excuse me, but I have to take care of something." The teacher turned around so she couldn't get in trouble for seeing it. I turned, I looked at him, picked him up . . . actually ... I picked the desk up, dumped him out, pushed the desk aside, picked him up against the wall. He was a little shorter than I am so . . . his feet were off the ground. And I had him by the shirt and I said, "Don't you ever make fun of me again." Put him down, fixed his shirt, put the desk back, and put him in it, and sat down and said, "I'm sorry," to the teacher. She was having a hard time trying not to laugh.

According to Molly, this positively changed classmates' attitudes 211 towards her and she gained respect, as well as four or five new friends, after the incident. Moreover, she was able to transfer this learning to heterosexism. Molly told me, "That experience taught me a lot ... To be quite honest with you, I don't think I would have been able to come out for a long time, 'til now, if I hadn't have learned to stand up for myself." Molly cautioned, "It's a matter of standing up for yourself without hurting anybody, without [resorting to] anything violent. . . enough to scare them, to make them . . . stop, think, and say, 'I'm not doing this anymore.'" Jason expressed similar sentiments: "If someone fights me with it, I'm to the point now that I'm going to fight back. When I was 15, I didn't. Maybe had I fought a little more" many of the negative experiences "wouldn't have happened." Christian, too, literally decided to fight back.

Self-Defense As had the aforementioned educators. Christian's parents had always told him, "Ignore it and it will go away." Having, however, experienced repeated verbal and physical harassment. Christian concluded, "Ignore it and it doesn't go away." After dropping out of school, in addition to adaptively distancing himself from his family. Christian began to assume other measures of control over his life. For instance. Christian recalled, "After the high school thing [reoccurring assaults outside the school or in the bathroom] I enrolled in martial arts ... I'm a second degree black belt in tae 212 kwondo," so now he is prepared to face "anybody who wants to jump me." When he was assaulted one evening while returning from a gay bar just off campus. Christian used his skills in the martial arts to protect himself, leaving his attacker injured. Christian asserted, "Breaking down to fisticuffs with this guy proved that I wasn't going to be stepped on by these people . . . anybody that wants to challenge me has got something coming." Christian doubted that the attacker told anyone the true story of how he sustained the injury: "If you're a big old macho Texas redneck, are you going to admit that you got your ass kicked by a fag?"

Coping Efforts Overarching High School and College In addition to efforts to avoid, escape, and confront heterosexism, beginning in late high school participants began to employ coping strategies aimed at better managing the heterosexism. Besides social support, which was discussed in the preceding chapter, these strategies include: consulting a counselor, therapist, or clergy; the pride stage; and religion. Of note, these coping efforts were associated with outcome variability.

Consulting a Counselor Whereas Christian's experience of being outed by his high school counselor led to negative consequences, Jason reported mixed reactions to counseling. Although Jason's aforementioned attempt to talk to his high school counselor was both frustrating and futile. 213

Jason persevered and two subsequent counselors eventually offered welcome support.

Jason: From "Intimidated" to "Loving it" After having a disappointing experience with his high school counselor, Jason, who was in the process of converting to the Catholic faith, began meeting with his priest. The priest started counseling Jason and "was very, very supportive." Jason disclosed, "This priest saved my life, because ... by the end of my sixteenth, seventeenth year, I was a basket case. I cried constantly. 1 stayed in my room when I got home and it was just awful. It was just awful." At first, Jason would only talk to the priest in the confessional, because confidentiality could not be breached. When Jason first told the priest he was gay, he was on the verge of tears, so the priest stood up and hugged Jason and "wouldn't let go." Jason recalled: I started crying then. I don't know whether it was the human touch or what. And I guess I looked really embarrassed. I was embarrassed to talk to him. I wouldn't look at him. And he just kept telling me, you know, "I've been a priest for forty something years. Do you think I haven't dealt with this before?"

The priest assured Jason of the existence of other gay parishoners. Jason "started counseling with Monsignor on a weekly basis," but "was getting worse and worse as far as depression went." Jason informed me, "I was skin and bones because I didn't eat. I.was just terrible. I reached the point where my mother took me to the doctor 214 and I was diagnosed with moderate to severe depression and I started antidepressants." According to Jason, antidepressants are the norm for gay male students and most of his gay friends are taking them to cope with society's heterosexism. In addition, both the doctor and Monsignor wanted Jason to see a psychiatrist. As his family "couldn't afford one," Jason went to the regional teaching hospital, where he "was really uncomfortable" with the young intern assigned the psychiatrist. Because Jason "was intimidated by having a college age person in there," he "didn't talk about anything." However, he has recently begun counseling with a woman based at Metropolitan Community Church (MCC) and is "loving it." Kelly. While Christian's trusted his high school counselor who betrayed the trust by breaching confidentiality, Kelly was more wary of trusting her counselor. Kelly recalled, "I had no clue who I could talk to in high school. Nobody gave off any indication that it would be okay to talk to them about it—not the counselors, not the teachers, not anybody—so, I was just on my own." She told me: If I knew my counselor wouldn't say anything to anybody else and wouldn't treat me any different, I would have gone and talked to her. . . but, see, I heard the comments of the teachers and I heard the comments of other people. I wasn't about to go to them and say, you know, "Help me find somewhere to go and talk to."

Kelly added, "So if they hadn't made the little comments they made—and even if they feel that way, keep it to themselves and not to discriminate—I think it would be so much better." Now Kelly's 215 goal is "to get information out to high school students somehow just so they'll know where to go if they need to talk to somebody." Julian emphasized that counselors need to be "up-to-date on their resources." Not only should counselors be familiar with where LGB groups are located, but they should refer LGB students to them, "instead of trying to shuffle them off to rehabilitation groups or therapy or whatever." Julian lamented, "I still don't know if there is such a place where I came from. I have no idea at all."

The Pride Stage By the time they were freshman in college, many of the participants had sought counseling. More specifically, many had attended Dr. Roger Layton's LGB group, based in the counseling center of a large university in West Texas. Cass' (1979) six-stage developmental model of homosexual identity formation, the fifth stage of which is Identity Pride, was discussed at the group meetings. In fact, students spoke so frequently of the "pride stage" that I had to schedule a visit with Dr. Layton to obtain an outline of the paradigm. At the point In development that Identity Pride is formed, lesbigays' commitment to the LGB subculture is high. Molly described this to me: People tend to go through a 'pride' stage and they're into the pride stuff. You name It: they're going to wear rainbow everything, run around the campus with a flag if they can, we're going to make a statement, we're going to paint the body rainbow. 216

Nigel gave a similar explanation, "When you are in the 'pride' stage, everything is gay. Everything that has*to do with you is gay." Nigel continued, "Some people, they put rainbows on everything . . . they want to go in a public mall and hold hands together like Laurel," a student whom I had met at GLBSA meetings. Those participants who had already passed through it (e.g., Molly and Nigel) cited the Pride Stage as a means of coping with heterosexism. According to Molly, people vary in the amount of time they spend in the pride stage: "How much you need of the pride stage is how much you need to cope." Danger. Asked if she had coped in this manner, Molly replied, "Oh, yes. Oh, yes. I went through that here and it's crazy. And it's dangerous." Nigel concurred: "It's dangerous. If the wrong people see you, you're in a lot of trouble." Moreover, "if you want to wear pride rings" in Houston, okay, nobody's going to bother you. You are just like anybody else there. But here [in West Texas], you are doing yourself a disservice. You are going to be talking yourself out of a job. You are going to be talking yourself out of scholarships. You are going to be talking yourself out of friendships.

Lesbians: Diminished Danger. However, participants, males and females alike, agreed that being a lesbian is generally less dangerous than being a gay male. Citing the obligatory monthly photo display of lesbians in Penthouse and other such magazines, Molly offered her own insight on the greater acceptance of lesbians: My theory is because it's a straight male-dominated society. Straight males have the tendency to have erotic dreams or 217

fantasies about lesbians, so they don't mind that as much. But, God, you put any of them near a gay male and two gay males having sex, they are repulsed. They are about ready to barf on the street, you name it, and that's what I think it is. It's because it is a straight male-dominated society and what they advertise and what they like is what is accepted.

Nigel provided a similar observation: ... for some reason, I think lesbians are better accepted. It's a straight society. You know, you can buy a porno and you've got straight couples and then you have a lesbian scene in there. So, it's just more accepted because [straight] men like that for some reason.

Also commenting on the greater acceptance of lesbians than gay males, Kelly proposed: I think it's because, you know, like throughout all time, it's okay for women to hold hands and show affection towards each other, but if a man does it, it's like abnormal or something. So, they're used to seeing women together. I think that's why. But, oh yeah, it's so much easier. Because when I come out to people like at work or school or something, the guys were like, "Yeah. That's cool," you know. But then when a guy comes out, you know, it's like, "Get away from me."

According to participants, because they are better accepted, lesbians generally experience less verbal and physical harassment from society in general and educational institutions in particular than do gay males. In addition to consulting a counselor and the use of pride, participants employed religion as a third coping strategy to manage heterosexism during the high school and college years. However, due 218 to the religious conservatism in Texas, participants reported considerable outcome variability associated with religion.

Religion: A Double-Edged Sword Because West Texas is, as Nigel put it, "the buckle of the Bible belt" (Christian portrayed it a bit less favorably, referring to West Texas as "the armpit of the Bible belt"), Christianity was mentioned by nearly all participants as central to their lives and many professed deep faith or spirituality despite negative experiences. Religion emerged as a double-edged sword in the lives of many participants. On the one hand, religion is oft the source of persecution. On the other hand, for some participants, religion is a means of coping, lending great comfort to them. As noted earlier, Jason considered killing himself because of the hatred of other Christians, as did Mark. Yet, Jason relished the Catholic Church because, as he related to me, "It was very quiet. It was very calm." In addition, Jason received unconditional love and support from the monsignor. At present, Jason displays a highly valued cross around his neck and Mark has gotten increasingly active with MCC. Nigel, a caualty of religious 'witness' when his friend outed him, nonetheless expressed the importance of Christianity to him at several times during our interactions. He revealed, "I went through a lot of questioning of my own personal values, but It all came back to the fact that I am gay. I can't quite fix it. It's just what I am." 219

The contradictory nature of religion is best exemplified in Christian. He reflected, "I guess that more than anything, the one thing that's been challenged the most about me is my faith in God," due to the incident In high school when Christian was taken before the congregation and humiliated. Christian explained that had he not stumbled upon a book with a chapter entitled, "Homosexuality: Part of life, not a curse," "I still probably think that I would not believe in God." However, "so much has happened in my life that I have landed on my feet," reasoned Christian, "that there has to be somebody or something that is looking out for me . . . every time something goes wrong in my life, something balances it out where I end up landing on my feet. I don't know what it is, but I have to believe that something greater is helping me." He recalled, "I had to find my inner peace with God. So now my parents and I have the gay Christian, oxymoron discussion" as to whether there is such a "thing as the gay Christian. But I believe very strongly that there is, because I believe very strongly in God." Mark concurred. Mark recalled how he was given "the option of not being gay or not being Christian" and thus "had fought" being gay "for years and years and years." He told me, "Even at the Baptist Students Union here at college, I had basically the same option. . . . I've made my choice now and I can be both."

Christian, who used religion as a coping strategy, found the church to be a great source of comfort. In fact, Christian had "a totally euphoric experience" that further strengthened his faith. 220

First, on the preceding Saturday night Christian had a dream of his "very first boyfriend," Darren, who "had died in a car accident." Darren prophesied that Christian would be visited by a friend of his that night and to an even greater extent the next day. Christian told me that in his dream, "I heard a voice that I didn't recognize telling me that my boyfriend who died didn't get to love me as much as he could have while he was here, so now he watches me from somewhere else." Christian speculated as to whether this could be his guardian angel being revealed to him. At church the following day there was "a visiting preacher from Colorado, home of Amendment 2 that has now been overturned,^ thank God, who said she had a dream last night that someone was going to be touched by God during the service." Christian reported that the preacher was talking about her trip to Israel and the tomb in which Jesus' body was placed. "And that was the last thing I heard," Christian recalls. "1 got very warm and I got very cold and I got very warm again." His friend seated beside him said that Christian's eyes were open and tearing. He was shaking and fell from the pew. Christian continued, "And during this time I hear a voice telling me everything I need, I already have. Everything I want from another person, I have within myself and I'll find whatever I'm looking for by looking in myself." When Christian regained conscious awareness, the preacher's hand was on his head and, according to Christian, she was "saying she feels the Lord. I don't know if that's what that was. But I'm not going to question it, because it's the most beautiful thing that's 221 ever happened in my life. For 45 seconds, a minute, I felt total peace." This experience was "my best journal entry ever." Writing. I inquired about this journal and Christian told me that in addition to his other means of coping, "I write a lot. It gets everything out of my system. I write a lot of poetry . . . because poetry is so free in form and verse." At another point in our conversations Christian disclosed, "Writing is very therapeutic," so he tries to "write every day," and forces himself to write a minimum of three to five times a week. However, Christian added, "If I am angry and I can't write, then I jog. \ do a lot of jogging." And when neither works. Christian employs prayer.

Summary In the foregoing accounts of the lived experiences of LGB students, participants highlighted a number of coping strategies, serving diverse functions. Compared to the later years of schooling, a paucity of coping efforts were reported during the elementary years. In addition to asking for information, participants' early efforts to cope with their affectional-erotic orientation and the concomitant heterosexism included ignoring, socially withdrawing, and physically distancing themselves from the heterosexist situation. Furthermore, overachievement was employed as a coping response as early as elementary school. Whereas overachievement served to gain attention while simultaneously deflecting attention from sexual orientation, social withdrawal was aimed at concealing 222 homosexuality or avoiding further feelings of hurt. However, social withdrawal exacerbated participants' feelings of isolation and loneliness and was associated with additional coping efforts, including the use of alcohol, utilization of the Internet, and affiliation with fringe groups such as cults, gangs, and the "New Wavers." Moreover, suicide attempts were employed in an effort to terminate felt pain and loneliness. According to participants, dropping out of school served various purposes as a coping strategy: to relocate to a more supportive environment, to avoid derision, and to escape physical assaults. Following the advice of parents and/or school personnel, participants initially attempted to ignore verbal and physical assaults. However, nearly unanimously participants reported that they discovered ignoring to be an ineffectual coping strategy. During the late secondary school and college years, participants discovered that assertiveness, or what they referred to as "standing up for yourself," was a more effective means of coping. Moreover, at this time participants' coping repertoire expanded to include additional strategies: consulting a counselor, therapist, or clergy; seeking social support; taking prescription medications to diminish anxiety and depression; taking some form of direct action; and writing. 223

Notes

ITo protect confidentiality, all participants are referred to by pseudonyms. A number of students chose their own pseudonyms (Brian, Bryan, Christian, Mark, Kelly). In addition, locations have either been given pseudonyms (e.g., Mallowville) or have been changed.

2The words to Madonna's song Live to Tell (Madonna & Leonard, 1990) had important meaning for Christian and had an influence on subsequent coping efforts, such as his strong identification with Madonna. The words are as follows:

I have a tale to tell. Sometimes it gets so hard to hide it well. I was not ready for the fall. Too blind to see the writing on the wall. A man can tell a thousand lies. I've learned my lesson well. Hope to live to tell the secret I have learned 'til then. It will burn inside of me . . .

If I ran away, I'd never have the chance to go very far. How will they hear the beating of my heart? Will it grow cold— The secret that I hide? Will I grow old? How will they hear? When will they learn? How will they know? (Madonna & Leonard, 1990) 224

3Colorado's Amendment 2 was an antigay initiative that was subsequently overturned by the U.S. Supreme Court. CHAPTER VI DISCUSSION AND IMPLICATIONS

Introduction As discussed in Chapter I, a number of professional organizations in education, including the Association for Supervision and Curriculum Development, the National Education Association, and the American School Health Association, have included sexual orientation in their statements of nondiscrimination, as well as enacted gay-affirmative resolutions. Collectively, these resolutions propose that LGB students have the right: (a) to equal opportunity within the public education system; (b) to freedom from verbal and physical harassment, that is, to attend schools where learning, not survival, is preeminent; (c) to obtain judgment-free and accurate information about lesbigays; (d) to respect and dignity; (d) to be exposed to positive role models in the curriculum and instructional materials, as well as in person; and (e) to a gay-affirmative environment, replete with personnel trained with regard to gay issues (Besner & Spungin, 1995). Moreover, resolutions call for the development of policies, instructional strategies, and curriculum materials that are nondiscriminatory with respect to sexual orientation; the provision of materials and staff training in order that educators can better serve this at-risk student population; and the collaboration of professional organizations to achieve these goals (Besner & Spungin, 1995). Despite the philosophy of the

225 226 aforementioned professional organizations, participants' tales of heterosexism within educational Institutions suggest that some Texas educational institutions have been unable to meet published goals for LGB students. After a brief review of the reported negligence within the Texas educational system with regard to LGB students and its frequent violations of the aforementioned rights, this chapter discusses a number of these issues in greater detail, summarizing them in reference to Maslow's (1970) hierarchy of needs. Lastly, this chapter addresses the coping efforts of participants, and how educators may foster the coping strategies that participants described as adaptive, while diminishing those that students documented as unproductive.

Suggestions for Texas Educational Institutions Findings from this study suggest that from the elementary to university levels, the Texas educational system contributed, both actively and passively, to participant's many psychosocial stressors, as well as their marginalization process. Because they deviated from what was considered gender appropriate behavior and prescribed play norms, a number of participants were labeled as homosexual, reprimanded for appearing nonheterosexual, and even punished during their elementary school years. Having been labeled as homosexual, these participants were nevertheless unable to obtain judgment-free and accurate information regarding gays from either parents or school personnel. By allowing epithets to be used 227 for homosexuality while otherwise disallowing profanity and racist remarks, school personnel not only tacitly condoned marginalization of lesbigays, but failed to furnish a gay-affirmative environment. Only rarely was homosexuality included in the curriculum. When homosexuality was discussed in class, it was generally covered in an uninformed, biased, or nonserious manner. Prior to college/the university, only two of the 14 participants knew of or suspected the existence of gay educators. Thus, a dearth of role models existed within educational institutions attended by participants in this study. Accounts of participants' lived experiences also indicate that educators failed both to accord equity with regard to sexual orientation and to provide a physically or psychologically safe environment, devoid of physical or verbal harassment. Although it would seem that all teachers should bear responsibility for the safety and security of their students, participants could recall one or, at most, two teachers who came to the defense of LGB students and who stood out as treating lesbigays with respect and dignity. These teachers were the exceptions, not the rule. Several of these issues are discussed in greater detail below. Because the resolutions enacted by the professional organizations were intended for students in kindergarten through 12th grade (K-12) public education, the following discussion of the dearth of gay-affirmation in Texas schools is organized into two distinct sections: K-12 and Higher Education. Moreover, conditions are somewhat different in higher education. For example, not only 228 do faculty have greater academic freedom and students become increasingly autonomous after they reach the age of majority, but the constitution protects LGB college students who wish to meet, form LGB groups, and advocate, all of which are considered forms of free speech and free association (Gay Student Services v. Texas A & M University. 1984/1985).

Kindergarten Through 12th Grade Before turning to the failure of Texas schools to provide LGB students with an environment free from verbal and physical harassment, the early marginalization of LGB children is addressed. Marginalization occurs when teacher education and counselor training programs promote heterosexism through the nonrepresentation of LGB children in their curricula, a form of denial or symbolic annihilation (Gerber & Gross, 1976; Gross, 1991). Educators also contribute actively to the marginalization of LGB children by labeling them, denying them information, and serving as gender role gatekeepers, as well as passively by allowing students to freely employ epithets for lesbigays and to censure "gender traitors" (Hopkins,1992, p. 114).

The Early Marginalization of LGB Children With regard to participants' early awareness of their homosexual identity, my findings support the claims of other researchers such as Telljohann and Price (1993) and Troiden (1988). 229

According to Telljohann and Price (1993), gay males frequently describe feeling different from others long before they understand that these feelings are related to homosexuality. Ten of the 14 participants (70%) reported grappling with feelings of difference in elementary school, in addition to same-sex "crushes" as early as preschool. Not only did the majority of males in my study report early awareness, but so did all three lesbians. Troiden (1988) maintained that in 70% of lesbigays these feelings begin around the age of four or five. Similarly, the earliest recollection in my inquiry was by Andrew who "had crushes on Luke and Han Solo" at the age of three. Yet, many counselors, educators, and others assume "that homosexuality is a province of adulthood; what these adults were as children and adolescents is a mystery" (Savin-Williams, 1 995, p. 165). In describing their early homoattract/on, participants were quick to dispel this enigma.

Nonrepresentation in Teacher and Counselor Education Programs Elementary education and counselor training programs would be wise to include instruction in the area of early human sexuality, so that educators may better acknowledge, and thus deal with, LGB children. Moreover, following the suggestions of Jonathan, Kelly, and others, these training programs should emphasize unconditional positive regard (i.e., an affirmative, nonjudgmental attitude toward the client) so that all children should be accepted without special conditions or strings attached. When LGB students are equally 230 accorded unconditional positive regard, they will, in Christian's words, preserve "some self-esteem" and dignity. In addition, elementary school personnel might benefit from inservice training with regard to sexual orientation. Foremost in importance, this instruction must recognize the existence of gay children and their need for acceptance. As noted earlier, heterosexism refers to an ideological system that denies, impugns, and discredits any nonheterosexual form of conduct, identity, relationship, or community (Herek, 1992b). Thus when educators neglect to acknowledge the existence of early same- sex attractions in some students (i.e., denial of nonheterosexuality), they promote heterosexism. The nonrepresentation of LGB children in the curricula of teacher and counselor education programs also constitutes heterosexism. Participants' accounts of their lived experiences with inept counselors may reflect and are in keeping with empirical studies which point to the need for the incorporation of LGB issues in counselor training programs. For example, a survey of Colorado teachers indicated that information about homosexuality was omitted from both the undergraduate and graduate coursework of 65 percent of respondents (Reese, 1997). Moreover, only 18 percent of teachers had ever received professional development training in reference to homosexuality (Reese, 1997). Only 27% of counselors in another national study felt that it was their role to counsel LGB students, and only 25% considered themselves to be qualified to deal with sexual orientation issues (Price & Telljohann, 231

1991). Thus, administrators in colleges of education and counseling would be wise to consider these deficiencies when making decisions regarding curriculum and instruction.

Failure to Provide Judgment-free Information Herek (1993b) noted that children learn the negative social attitudes associated with homosexuality long before they understand that 'faggot' or 'queer' are epithets for homosexual. This was supported by participants' accounts indicating that while 'faggot' was the insult of choice in Texas schools early on, its meaning was initially vague. According to Christian, Jason, Molly, and Nigel, they had a sense that 'faggot' was a "bad," "derogatory" term prior to grasping its true definition. For example, although not understanding exactly what 'faggot' meant, Jason "knew it was something derogatory," which embarrassed him. Nigel recalled, "I really didn't know what that was. And I told my teacher because, obviously, it was a bad name, 'faggot'" Despite hearing these terms at school, the participants were unable to obtain judgment-free and accurate information about gays as now recommended by the NEA (1994). Recall that the principal who labeled Christian offered him no information. Moreover, Christian's mother slapped him every time he asked, leaving Christian with a "bad impression" of lesbigays. Nigel sought information from his brother: "He told me what it was . . . that fags was guys who fuck guys, basically. He used that language." Focusing 232 only on the sexual aspects of homosexuality, the information Nigel received from his brother reflects the inadequate quality of knowledge frequently disseminated to, as well as by, young students. Certainly, his brother failed to inform Nigel that a 'fag' is a man who desires "emotional, physical, and spiritual fulfillment from other men" (Beam, 1991, p. 261). Molly, too, told me that she had "absolutely no clue" as to what the terms meant and when she would ask people, nobody would tell her. Molly was critical of both the school and social systems: "I think if I was young and that curious, I should have been told. If a child wants to know, you should be honest and tell them what those things mean. You shouldn't hide them." Again, when elementary education and school counseling programs include a unit on human sexuality in general and homosexuality in particular, school personnel may feel more competent and comfortable with answering students' questions in a forthright manner. As it is now, however, students may sense that educators are deceiving them, as did Molly.

Identification of Gender Traitors and Gender Role Gatekeeping According to Hopkins (1992, p. 114), the dominant culture considers "anyone who violates the 'rules' of gender identity/gender performance, i.e., someone who rejects or appears to reject the criteria by which genders are differentiated" to be "gender traitors." Victor Shea (1994), now an attorney with the Office for Civil Rights, U.S. Department of Education, was persecuted as a 233 young boy in Levelland, Texas, due to "being a gentle, somewhat feminine" student (p. 4). In a letter to the editor of the Dallas Morning News about his own lived experiences with gender treachery. Shea (1994) refuted the idea that if lesbigays kept silent about their homosexuality they would not be discriminated against: "Our society is so intolerant of difference that just appearing gay can be deadly whether you are gay or not" (p. 4).i In American society, for boys such as Jason, failure to participate in or lack of interest in athletics, a prescribed gender role for males, constitutes gender treachery and is enough to warrant labeling as gay. Moreover, jumping rope or playing with Barbies, as did Shea (1994) and Daniel, is considered inappropriate play for boys. Society also belittles homoattraction, as in chasing and kissing same-sex peers. Although male participants exhibiting these behaviors were frequently labeled as homosext;al, these behaviors had little to do with sex as participants related that they were still naive in this regard. Educators were key figures in identifying, labeling, reprimanding and/or punishing participants such as Christian and Molly, who could be characterized as one of Hopkins' (1992) gender traitors. Same-sex affectional-erotic orientation at the elementary level is approached in a paradoxical manner. Whereas both schools and parents (a) commonly deny the existence of homosexual children, and (b) frequently refuse to supply children with relevant information about homosexuality (both are forms of nonrepresentation or symbolic annihilation [Gerber & Gross, 1976; 234

Gross, 1991]), they nonetheless are quick to point out, and even punish, what they consider to be non-normative play and other gender inappropriate behavior (i.e., gender treachery). While with the former lesbigays are kept invisible through nonrepresentation, with the latter any behavior that deviates from the norm is quickly quashed. Interestingly, rather than heeding their own oft dispensed advice to "ignore it," educators were quick to react to participants' homoattraction and non-normative play, which threaten the conventional notions of gender. Educators function as gender role gatekeepers in a number of ways. First, educators may take direct action as they did by reprimanding Molly and punishing Christian. However, participants also described a second means of gender role gatekeeping in their tales of educators' failure to intervene when students place strict limitations on gender role boundaries and label peers for infractions. Playing a more passive role, educators often prefer to sit back and allow students to police themselves, what Nigel referred to as "taking care of the bad ones" who are "different." Many writers have discussed how from early on, children adhere to strict gender parameters and hardily denounce those who transgress the boundaries of acceptable activities, appearance, and conduct (e.g., LeVay & Nonas, 1995; Rofes, 1995; Unks, 1995) and this denunciation was made clear in the participants' accounts. For example, Nigel's classmate tried to set him straight: "Someone called me a fag and they were very conclusive that I was a fag and that I needed to be 235 taken care of and maybe a punch in the nose was going to fix me." Beam (1991), a gay black essayist, described how peers ensured that he would toe the straight line: The male code of the streets where I grew up made this very clear: Sissies, punks, and faggots were not "cool" with the boys. Come out at your own risk was the prevailing code for boys like myself who knew we were different, but we didn't dare challenge the prescribed norms regarding sexuality for fear of the consequences we would suffer, (p. xv)

Thus, educators and students alike kept tight reins on what constituted appropriate gender behavior for participants, thereby narrowing interests, as well as flexibility and diversity in their gender roles. Gevelinger and Zimmerman (1997) admonished educators to be mindful of the messages they convey to students regarding gender roles. As previously noted, participants were censured largely because they failed to conform to accepted gender roles, not because of any sexual conduct. This, however, runs counter to developmentalists such as Turner and Helms (1991), who advocated that teachers throughout the school years provide instruction in an objective and sexually unbiased manner in order to reduce gender role stereotyping. The incongruity between theory and practice suggests self-reflection. Consequently, educators must explore their own roles in gender treachery, asking themselves why they (a) restrict the play interests and gender roles of students, and (b) fail to intervene when students take "care of the bad ones" who are "different." In addition, educators must examine their own 236

heterosexual biases, which are deeply ingrained in us all, including lesbigays.2 As I discovered in maintaining my own reflective journal, analysis of these biases should be an ongoing task, because they surface when least expected. A Note on Social Learning Theory. Not only do the findings of this study suggest that early on children learn the negative social attitudes associated with homosexuality, but they support the literature (e.g., Hopkins, 1992; Smetana, 1986) which suggests that as early as preschool or elementary school, children have incorporated a sense of the traditional concepts of gender from society, particularly what constitutes masculinity.3 Given that social learning theory posits that gender development is a result of (a) rewards and punishments for appropriate and inappropriate behavior respectively, and (b) the observation and imitation of models (Jacklin, 1989; Mischel, 1966), it is hardly surprising that by elementary school children are already adept gender role gatekeepers. As mentioned by Jason, Molly, and Nigel, students watch their peers, who serve as vicarious models, get rewarded for appropriate gender behavior and punished for being gender traitors by both parents and teachers. In addition, students imitate their teachers, who may be modeling heterosexism. Molly told me, "I don't think the students would have that big of a deal" with LGB classmates if teachers became educated on LGB issues, "because the students get their ideas from the teachers." 237

At any rate, by 4th and 5th grade, a number of participants (e.g., Brian, Jason, and Nigel) had already been harassed due to their gender nonconformity. However, by their own accounts, participants may have failed to learn society's lessons on gender roles as well as did their peers. Nigel and Corey each reported genuine puzzlement and surprise at their peers' harassment. For example, as noted earlier, Nigel would be teased as he walked down the hall in late elementary school. According to Nigel, "And they would do it in this really faggy, nerdy voice. / don't understand why they did it. It was really strange." Participants' tales also indicated that by 4th and 5th grade, their cohorts had already developed a concept of heterosexuality, which, according to Bryan, "starts with Dick and Jane."4 Were concepts of heterosexuality not already formed to some degree, the little girls, apparently recognizing a difference in Corey, would not have asked him "a couple of times in 4th grade" if he were gay. Corey was baffled at their inquiry, clueless as to why he fell short of the gendered standard of behavior. Thus, whether LGB students internalize less well the expectations of gender warrants further investigation.

Physically/Psychologically Unsafe Environments In addition to the pressure of having to conform to narrow gender roles, many of the participants experienced threats to their physical and/or psychological safety and emotional security. For example, after his untimely and involuntary outing by his high school 238 guidance counselor. Christian was "shipped off" to his grandparents. There he enrolled in a new high school where the principal indicated that he was unable to adequately protect Christian. Later, when he was receiving harassing messages on his answering machine. Christian found the university police to be respectful and supportive, yet largely powerless to provide real protection to gay students. Only with the acquisition of skills in the martial arts was Christian able to achieve a measure of control over dangers in his environment and even partially realize a sense of safety and security. Unfortunately, Christian was not an isolated case. Schools also disregarded the physical and/or psychological safety and security needs of Brian, Jason, Nigel, Shea (1994), and others. Shea (1994) wrote, "When I was 12, I was forcibly abused by three other boys. It seemed like everyone knew about it (including adults) and it was considered funny." Several participants also remarked on how teachers not only failed to censure heterosexist comments, epithets, jokes, and slurs, but even participated in such behaviors, thus serving as powerful models of heterosexism. In its Recommendations on the support and safety of gav and lesbian students (1993), the Massachusetts Board of Education proposed that incidents of anti-gay communications should be treated with the same discipline procedures as analogous incidents involving racial bias and profanity. Much attention has been devoted to concern about violence in schools, yet Texas educators tacitly condoned verbal and physical 239 assaults of participants when they failed to actively intervene. As Bryan suggested, failure to intercede may be due sometimes to teachers own fear of being labeled ("teachers maybe don't want to be too hard . . . because they don't want to make people question their own sexuality, you know"). Only when schools provide gay- affirmative environments for teachers, as well as students, may educators themselves feel secure enough to make a stand against such abuse. In addition to the NEA (1994) recommendations that school district policies and programs accord LGB students "the right to attend schools where education, not survival, is a priority" (cited in Besner & Spungin, 1995, p. 99), Texas educators might also consider the legal ramifications of their failure to ensure a safe, secure environment for LGB students. In November, 1996, a federal court in Eau Claire, Wisconsin, ruled that two high school administrators and a middle school principal had violated a gay student's civil rights by failing to intervene to halt the physical and verbal abuse after he sought their help (Reese, 1997a, 1997b). Moreover, the jury awarded the student nearly $1 million. Parenthetically, the abuse had become so intolerable that the student, who was originally enrolled in honors classes, made three suicide attempts and ultimately dropped out of high school in his junior year. Similarly, Christian and Jason, bright young men, each attempted suicide before dropping out when they reached the "breaking point:" when Christian "could not take it anymore" and after the situation in Jason's school became 240

"unbearable." At any rate, given the Wisconsin case, Texas administrators would be wise to not only include a sexual orientation clause in their anti-discrimination policy, but to take a considerably more proactive stance regarding verbal and physical harassment of LGB students.

Bias in Curriculum and Instruction In addition to serving as gender role gatekeepers and failing to provide a school environment free from verbal and physical harassment, Texas educators as reported in this study only rarely incorporated homosexuality into the school curriculum and instruction. According to participants, however, when homosexuality was discussed in class, it was generally covered in an uninformed, biased, or nonserious manner. For example, by allowing students to laugh, snicker, and joke during a discussion of homosexuality, Jason's high school psychology teacher communicated to students that the topic is an appropriate object for ridicule. By "talking about sexual devlances" when she pigeonholed homosexuality with "necrophilia" and "bestiality," Christian's high school biology teacher conveyed a negative message. According to Christian, during this discussion "everybody in the class was just kind of cringing" and thinking "ooh, nasty topics." The principles of classical conditioning suggest that by pairing necrophilia and zoophilia, both considered abnormal Sexual Disorders and included under Paraphilias Not Otherwise Specified In the DSM-IV (1994), 241 with homosexuality, students might consequently conclude that homosexuality, too, constitutes a sexual disorder or deviant form of sexuality. As previously mentioned, the American School Health Association (Telljohann & Price, 1993) enacted a resolution advocating the incorporation of sexual orientation as an integral part of a comprehensive health education curriculum. Whether homosexuality is presented as a natural variation of human sexual expression or a paraphilia, as part of diversity or a deviance (what D'Augelli [1992, p. 215] refers to as "the reification of difference into 'deviance'"), will differentially influence students' perceptions of lesbigays. Consequently, any benefits of including sexual orientation as an integral component of the curriculum will be offset if accompanied by an inaccurate or biased portrayal of homosexuality by inadequately trained educators. Tierney (1996) traced how LGB issues have been studied largely with respect to deviance, thus constructing distorted notions. Recall that Christian was confused by his biology teacher's description of homosexuals ("She said . . . they end up leading deplorable lives and are very promiscuous ... I was kind of distraught by what I had heard"). Educators must remind themselves that lesbigays certainly do not corner the market on "deplorable lives." As D'Augelli (1992, p. 216) has noted, one could just as easily discuss "the 'deviance' of 'heterosexuality' and the 'heterosexual lifestyle,' emphasizing its pervasive social pathology 242

(demonstrated by divorce statistics, child abuse and neglect statistics, aggressive behavior patterns, etc.)." At any rate, in school lectures, participants were exposed to heterosexist biases and denied the right to receive judgment-free and accurate information.

Alienation and the LGB Student By its very nature, heterosexism within educational institutions presupposes distinctions and separations between LGB and heteroseuxual students. Recall that the act of labeling Brian, Christian, Jason, and Nigel as homosexual separated them from their straight peers. Many participants reported not only that they felt different, as if they did not belong or "didn't have a place," but they experienced profound isolation and loneliness. Moreover, they reported fragmentation of their identity due to the frequent need to conceal their homosexual identity and don the mask of heterosexuality. With social withdrawal, truancy, and his eventual dropping out, Jason, as well as other participants, was increasingly estranged from school. The aforementioned descriptions are all characteristic of alienation (Newmann, 1989). Discussing the four central components of alienation (i.e., estrangement [lack of engagement], detachment [separation], fragmentation, and isolation) with regard to society in general and to schooling in particular, Newmann (1989) reviewed alienation from the perspective of (a) social structure, roles, and, functions, and (b) individual, subjective. 243 psychological phenomena. Applying the first perspective to the present study, participants experienced alienation as a consequence of having little control over their learning conditions, as well as being treated as standard, abstract, heterosexual entities due to the prevailing assumption of heterosexuality. Furthermore, LGB students were prevented from developing affectional and social bonds with similar others within Texas schools in K-12. Pertaining to the second perspective, participants described subjective feelings that are associated with alienation: a sense of separation from and rejection by friends, peers, and school personnel; little sense of control over the abusive situations; meager trust in teachers and counselors; and perceptions that teachers and counselors were inaccessible. Moreover, in their tales of lived experiences within educational institutions, participants, sometimes expressing considerable bitterness and resentment, made it clear that the social ideals professed by democratic society (e.g., equality and justice for all) are routinely disregarded when it comes to LGB students. Schools can take several steps to diminish this sense of alienation. First, they can establish Gay-Straight Alliances (GSA) aimed at providing a climate of acceptance and support (Bennett, 1997). Futhermore, school personnel can post "silent symbols" (Reese, 1997, p. 49), as in 'Safe Zone' signs, so that LGB students have one means of determining which educators are open to discuss 244

LGB issues in an "understanding, supportive, and trustworthy" manner (refer to Figure 4.1).

Summary of K-12 in Reference to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs With regard to Maslow's (1970) hierarchy of needs, other than satisfaction of their basic physiological needs, few of the participants' higher order needs were sufficiently fulfilled during their K-12 school years. First, as outlined above. Christian, Jason, and Nigel experienced persistent danger to their physical and/or psychological safety and security. Due to concerns about involuntary outing and in the interest of psychological safety, many students withdrew socially and most LGB students remained, to use Christian's words, "hugely in the closet." Second, deprived of community support, participants had an inadequate sense of belongingness and affiliation. Whereas Christian was rejected by his parents, as well as his church family, other participants were rejected, or feared being rejected, by friends, classmates, and teachers. Still lacking the socialization furnished by a gay network, most participants described feelings of loneliness and isolation, a sense that they did not belong (e.g.. Christian: "I didn't have a place," "I didn't know anybody"; Kelly: "I had nobody to talk to about this ... I had nobody because I didn't know anybody [gay]"). Thirdly, due to the political and religious messages participants receive, they frequently suffered from a deficiency in other-esteem and consequently self-esteem. From early elementary on. 245

participants were told that same-sex sexual orientation was "wrong" and "bad" and thus worthy of derision and punishment. Given that participants perceived that LGB students were assigned an inferior moral status and received a dearth of cultural validation and religious approval, it is hardly surprising that 4 of the 14 participants attempted suicide. Furthermore, cognitive needs were often overshadowed by the aforementioned unmet needs, resulting in the decision made by Christian and Jason to drop out of high school in their senior year. Only when Christian entered the world of work and became associated with the restaurant and hotel industries, which is imbued with gays, and when Jason began to network with other gay men, were they able to acquire sufficient self-efficacy to complete their GEDs and enroll in college. With his choice of a gay- friendly career field inextricably bound to his sexual orientation. Christian was better able to gain the requisite self-esteem to propel him toward cognitive pursuits.

Higher Education Academic Oppression and Stifled Expression Having long been considered bastions of academic freedom and free expression, universities frequently take pride in being 'ahead' of the rest of society (D'Souza, 1991). Members of the academic community often deem themselves less inclined toward social prejudice, less a slave to orthodox views, and more committed to the liberty of mind that has distinguished the context of higher 246 education. Hence, one would expect participants to have experienced considerably more enlightened circumstances in the higher education setting. Yet, participants encountered considerable marginalization at the university level as well. For example, wiith the exception of the Restaurant, Hotel, and Institutional Management program in which he felt comfortable as a gay man. Christian received little gay-affirmation at his university. Not only did Christian's English teacher ask him to refrain from incorporating any gay themes in his English compositions, thereby effectively deleted his life experiences from her course (Imagine if all heterosexual leitmotifs are proscribed—libraries will shrink exponentially!), but he reported that curriculum and instruction at his university was discriminatory with regard to sexual orientation. Moreover, when Christian and Brian's mass communications professor lectured in a "rude" manner about lesbigays, and used the terms 'faggot' and 'dyke' in class, he broadcast his heterosexist biases to students. With the open and free use of derogatory terms for lesbigays by some faculty members, participants' right to respect and dignity was further abridged. As reported in this study, most faculty members not only failed to develop classroom policies that were nondiscriminatory with respect to sexual orientation and to tailor instructional strategies, but they openly expressed their heterosexist biases.

Other professors showed heterosexism in more subtle ways. Consider Mark's account of his school trip, which included a stop at Hooter's and a side trip to Oaklawn, the gay section of Dallas. The 247 faculty member who was responsible for the excursion apparently viewed the gay lifestyle as exotic and the jaunt down "Queer Lane" merely served to objectify and underscore the difference or 'otherness' of lesbigays, providing students a ready opportunity to malign gays. The instructor who drove the school van and was involved with this excursion was apparently insensitive to those students in general who may not have welcomed this type of activity and gay students in particular who were subjected to listening to classmates denigrate similar others. Compounding the aforementioned heterosexist interactions with faculty, many participants conveyed the impression that a "culture of fear" (McLaren, 1995, p. 108) pervades their campus, with, in Christian's word, students "hugely closeted" and fearful of being associated with their outed cohorts. Many participants related that they never felt completely safe and secure on or near the university campus. Residential halls were perceived as threatening places to live due to destruction of personal property, homophobic roommates who gay bashed, lack of privacy, physical assaults, and verbal threats. Moreover, according to Mark, Molly, Jonathan, and others, issues of safety, security, and fear of being outed sometimes interloped in social activities, due to omnipresent heterosexism on college campuses. The word 'fear' cropped up during conversations at numerous meetings at which I was a participant-observer. When I first began attending the LGBSA, the location of meetings was carefully guarded 248 and statistically few LGB students were present. Students frequently indicated that they were very interested in participating in my study, yet despite assurances of anonymity, they were concerned about being exposed. In light of Christian's experiences, these fears are not at all irrational considering that one's physical or psychological security may be at stake due to physical assault, verbal harassment, and/or breaches of confidentiality. In addition, apparently at least some faculty, according to Christian and Nigel particularly those with untenured status, are also fearful of putting their "skins on the line" to support such organizations. Having discussed participants lived experiences with heterosexism within educational institutions, as well as some of the ways educators can provide more caring, just, and safe school environments for LGB students, the second section of this chapter discusses my second research question: How are coping strategies constructed, maintained, and internally revised over time, if at all?

Coping As discussed in Chapters IV and V, not only did participants reflect a plurality of LGB voices with regard to stressors, but they evinced a great deal of interlndividual diversity in coping efforts. On the one hand, some coping strategies were highly idiosyncratic and thus mentioned by only one participant: conscious efforts to change, conscious blocking/thought stopping, daydreaming, identification, physical exercise, self-defense, self-understanding. 249 truancy, and volunteering. Moreover, bibliotherapy, overachievement, use of sarcastic humor, and writing were each employed by only two participants. These findings underscore the ability to individually tailor coping responses to a common stressor, heterosexism. On the other hand, some degree of commonality was reflected in LGB coping efforts. For example, ignoring, physical distancing, religion, social withdrawal, suicide attempts/ideation, and use of alcohol were employed by one fourth of participants at some point in their lives. In addition, one third or more of the participants cited assertiveness, consulting a counselor, direct action, social support, use of the Internet, and pride as a means of coping. A number of these coping efforts are discussed below in reference to how participants constructed, maintained, and internally revised coping strategies over time. Where applicable, I offer suggestions on how to foster adaptive coping strategies.

The Construction, Maintenance, and Transformation of Coping Stategies Over Time As indicated in the accounts of their lived experiences during the elementary years, those participants who became the early targets of heterosexism initially possessed only a limited repertoire of coping responses. In addition to their efforts, albeit unsuccessful, to seek information about lesbigays, these participants initially attempted to cope by either ignoring the heterosexism, as advised by educators, or by socially withdrawing 250 from classmates. However, participants described ignoring and social withdrawal as feckless strategies. As these and other coping strategies proved to be ineffectual, participants began to employ a greater number of behavioral strategies that were aimed at changing the problem or situation (e.g., avoiding abuse by playing hookey or dropping out; physically distancing themselves from situations that were problematic, such as, recess and PE). In addition, participants began to supplant unproductive coping strategies with more productive ones, and, consequently, the majority of participants' coping efforts were generated in high school or college. For example, they replaced ignoring with assertiveness and pride, and substituted social support for social withdrawal.

Unproductive versus Productive Coping Strategies Ignoring During the interviews, two coping strategies elicited more palpable emotions than any others: ignoring and suicide. Recall that nearly unanimously, participants reported that ignoring was an ineffective coping strategy and years later they often expressed bitterness, resentment, and feelings of betrayal. Imagine that every time we educators step out the front door of our homes three to five neighbors greet us with epithets. Moreover, these neighbors leave harassing notes in our mailboxes, threatening messages on our answering machines, and carve nasty words on our front doors. Even worse, we pull into our driveway one day and a gang of neighbors 251 backs us against the side of our house and physically assaults us. Frightened, we repeatedly contact the police and they tell us, "Name-calling is something that always happens. You got to turn into a duck and let the water go off your back." Or, the police suggest, "Just ignore it. It's no big deal." Or, "This will pass. They'll find someone else to pick on." Or, aggression is just "a fact of life. If you want to get along in the world, you're just going to have to learn to get along" with these neighbors. Absurd? Yes! Yet, that is exactly how educators advised participants to manage the situation. Just as we rely on police to protect us, participants depended on school personnel and they repeatedly failed on this account. One of the most disconcerting findings of this study was that those participants who spoke about their interactions with the police described the police as being far more supportive than were educators. Over time, usually in the late high school or early college years, participants discovered that assertiveness, what they called "standing up for yourself," was a far more effective means of coping than trying to ignore heterosexism. Moreover, participants stated that had they known that assertiveness was more fruitful, they would have employed it much earlier on. Following Molly's suggestion, educators can teach students how to be assertive without being aggressive. However, educators would first themselves need to become familiar with the principles of assertiveness training. As all oppressed students, including those 252 suffering from class, ethnic, gender, race, or weight bias, could benefit from such instruction, assertiveness training would be a worthwhile topic for inservice education.

Social Withdrawal As discussed in Chapter V, social withdrawal was used for a variety of reasons. Nigel withdrew because he wanted to avoid persons who had hurt or betrayed him, those whom he felt were untrustworthy. Jason used social withdrawal, "going more into a shell," as a means of avoiding discovery of his affectional-erotic orientation (". . . if people don't know me, people won't know I'm gay"). Mark, too, "was not socializing with anybody because he was scared." Educators, then, must remain aware that some of those students who are socially withdrawn (i.e., the "loners") may be attempting to cope with their affectional-erotic orientation. While social withdrawal initially served as a protective mechanism, it inevitably exacerbated feelings of isolation and loneliness, which led to the construction of further coping strategies, both adaptive and maladaptive. Thus, for the long term, social withdrawal alone proved to be an insufficient coping response. Whereas "Jack Daniels . . . was the closest friend" Mark "ever had" and Bryan turned to an occult group for acceptance, Jason and Julian eventually obtained social support in the gay community, the latter after he "got to a breaking point" due to the isolation. If possible, in order to diminish LGB students' sense of isolation and 253 loneliness and discourage maladaptive coping responses, teachers or counselors may provide withdrawn students with some private time during lunch hour or after school when they can use the Internet to obtain information about similar others, find local LGB resources, and gain support from and network with other lesbigays. In addition, the establishment of a Gay-Straight Alliance (GSA) can provide a climate of acceptance and support (Bennett, 1997), and ensure at least one school environment in which LGB students feel equal and safe. With the inclusion of heterosexuals in the GSA, students who are still closeted can receive gay-affirmation, while continuing to feel safe behind the mask of heterosexuality. Teachers and counselors can use the resolutions of their respective organizations to justify and defend the establishment of such organizations for students.

Suicide As previously noted, in the transactional model, coping refers to "the person's cognitive and behavioral efforts to manage (reduce, minimize, master, or tolerate) the internal and external demands of the person-environment interaction that is appraised as taxing or exceeding the person's resources" (Folkman, Lazarus, Gruen, & DeLongis, 1986, p. 572). One out of every three participants employed suicide as an effort, albeit maladaptive, to cope with heterosexism. Suicide was aimed at ending the pain of hatred and persecution, as well as the sense of isolation and loneliness. At the 254 time of this writing, Jason, Kelly, and Molly had each substituted direct action for suicide as a more constructive means of coping. Whereas Jason and Kelly are currently preparing to counsel gay youth, Molly devised a diversity training program as a means of coping and to offset her "discouragement." Designed for Resident Assistants (RAs), this program specifically addresses heterosexism and other LGB issues. Several measures can be taken to discourage suicide as an effort to cope, while promoting social support, a more adaptive coping strategy. First, following the recommendations of the Massachusetts Board of Education (1993), all school personnel should receive training in violence and suicide prevention, with a particular emphasis on the correlation between homosexuality and suicide. Second, school personnel can provide LGB students with "silent symbols" (Reese, 1997), as in 'Safe Zone' signs, posters with telephone helplines, or the display of books and pamphlets in a prominent place. The latter is important because, according to Higgins (1994, p. 179), "surrogate care through literature is a prominent theme for the resilient. Just as actual surrogates become internalized symbolically, so do literary characters become highly personal, immediate, and sustaining symbols for the resilient." Barbara, Christian, and Julian all related that literary sources provided them with role models, as well as needed encouragement. In response to the several participants who said that they perceived teachers and counselors to be inaccessible, the 'Safe Zone' sign is a 255 visible welcome to LGB students who need "help, advice, or just someone to whom they can talk." As a third measure in decreasing the use of suicide as a coping response, the establishment of GSAs and other LGB organizations can increase both social support and the sense of acceptance.

Pride At the point in homosexual identity development that Identity Pride is formed (Cass, 1979), lesbigays' commitment to the LGB subculture is high. According to a number of participants such as Molly and Nigel, pride is a coping strategy, a mechanism to cultivate, secure, and safeguard LGB group identity in the face of heterosexist denigration. Both went through a phase when pride was a focus of attention, when, in Nigel's words, "everything is gay. Everything that has to do with you is gay." According to Molly, people vary in the amount of time they spend in the pride stage: "How much you need of the pride stage is how much you need to cope." Moreover, lesbigays may later dismiss pride as immature and dangerous. For example, at the time I first interviewed her, Molly was in the pride stage. Yet, in the second interview a year later, Molly disavowed pride as a means of coping, offering instead an amusing description of lesbigays in the pride stage and suggesting that it was "crazy" and "dangerous." Both Molly and Nigel opined that not only is pride a less mature coping mechanism, but in West Texas it is impractical because it results in loss of friendships, jobs, and scholarships. 256

After going through the pride stage, both Molly and Nigel had revised their coping strategies and coping efforts were instead focused on direct action and social support. Due to the mutability of coping responses, one could expect that Barbara, Corey, Kelly, and Mark, who were in the pride stage at the time of the interviews, employ pride as a means of coping to greater or lesser degrees in the future. Ogbu (1991), albeit focusing on Black Americans, suggested several coping strategies specific to minorities, including "cultural inversion" (p. 441). Pride appears to be a form of cultural inversion whereby lesbigays can disavow negative stereotypes and disparaging images that heterosexuals associate with them, while claiming alternate forms of behavior (e.g., dressing in drag), events (e.g., gay pride parades, particularly around the anniversary of Stonewall), symbols (e.g.. Lambda, pink triangles, and the rainbow) and meanings (e.g.,flamer. Fruit Loop, nelly), not recognized by heterosexuals. Assuming several forms, cultural inversion (Ogbu, 1991), as practiced by participants, included: (a) adopting words or statements that are unknown to heterosexuals, as exemplified in a number of terms listed in Appendix A, Glossary; (b) endowing negative images with positive values (Ogbu, 1991), as in the inversion of a pejorative word such as dyke, queen, and queer into a prideful expression; and (c) valuing the opposite of dominant ideal behaviors. The latter is reflected, for example, in a number of participants who had friends who were drag gueens. As society often perceives gay men to be effeminate, in drag queens gay men 257 can prize the opposite of the heterosexist ideal of masculinity. At any rate, in addition to those mainstream coping responses proposed by Thoits (1991a, 1991b) and others, in displaying gay pride participants exhibited coping strategies specific to minorities. As discussed in the preceding pages, participants employed a number of stress-buffering mechanisms and creative coping strategies to manage the adversities surrounding their affectional- erotic orientation. By and large, the Texas educational system made available few external support systems that fostered or reinforced participants' coping efforts. Participants were left on their own to gain knowledge about homosexuality, devise management skills to better handle a hostile environment, and search for personal meaning amidst adversities. As these things are associated with resiliency (Haggerty, Sherrod, Garmezy, & Rutter, 1994), LGB coping mechanisms, as well as the means by which schools could foster such strategies in lesbigays, warrant further investigation.

Summary and Conclusion This investigation illuminated the lived experiences of 14 LGB students, particularly with regard to the stressors they encountered due to heterosexism within Texas educational institutions. Moreover, it highlighted their efforts to cope with the myriad types of heterosexism. In general, the findings of this study point to substantial discrepancies between the gay-affirmative stance of many professional organizations in education and actual treatment 258

of students by administrators, counselors, and teachers. Equality of opportunity and the dignity of all human beings is touted as the cornerstone of American democratic beliefs (Lasley & Matczynski, 1997). According to participants, however, educators and schools tolerated, even encouraged, heterosexism. Critical thinking is extolled (Lasley & Matczynski, 1997), yet censorship was practiced. One form of censorship occurred through symbolic annihilation or nonrepresentation in: activities (Gevelinger & Zimmerman, 1997), class discussions, the curriculum, instructional strategies, literature in the library, and school organizations. Now that participants have told their tales of heterosexism, this knowledge must be disseminated to current and future educators, who, hopefully, will choose to be more caring and just in their interactions with LGB students. The findings of this inquiry, then, can be utilized by administrators, counselors, and educators to assist in ameliorating many of the inequities which, according to participants, existed in their school environments.

Educators: How Will They Hear? When Will They Learn? How Will They Know? Educators and researchers must not get caught up in the culture of fear (McLaren, 1995), afraid that they, too, will be labeled 'queer' or 'dyke,' forced from their jobs, or be seen as conducting research of lesser importance. After all, what could be of any greater importance than ensuring that a//students have equal access to social justice and the basic human rights? Educators will begin 259 to learn only when researchers, in collaboration with those lesbigays who are willing to share their respective lived school experiences, raise their voices at professional conferences, in scholarly journals, and in board rooms. As Tierney (1996) pointed out, knowledge is socially constructed and this act of construction privileges some students, while silencing others such as lesbigays. Faculty affiliated with teacher/counselor preparation and curriculum and instruction programs in Texas must ask themselves, as well as encourage students to question, why knowledge of lesbigays in public schools is largely absent, unless defined as deviant. Moreover, the discrepancy between the gay-affirmative philosophies of professional organizations in education and praxis warrant self-reflection, particularly in those faculty members who prepare teachers and counselors. Figure 6.1 represents just a few of the questions that suggest self-reflection in university faculty involved with teacher or counselor training programs. When faculty fail to push for and support the development of policies, instructional strategies, and curriculum materials that are nondiscriminatory with respect to sexual orientation, they perpetuate heterosexual privilege. Only when the lived experiences of LGB students are made known and LGB issues included in counselor education and teacher training programs will the next generation of educators be more responsive to the needs of LGB students. Until this happens, colleges of education In Texas will be guilty of the symbolic annihilation and marginalization of lesbigays. 260

Do I discuss the resolutions of our respective organizations with students in teacher/counselor training courses? Why/why not?

Do I include lesbigays in my discussions of diversity? Why/why not?

Do I encourage/discourage students from pursuing research in the areas of LGB studies and queer theory? Why/why not?

How do I feel about colleagues who are out?

Am I willing to support faculty who come out in order to serve as role models for LGB students?

Am I willing to implement the gay-affirmative philosophies of professional organizations in education by taking an active stand to petition for the inclusion of a sexual orientation clause in my college/university's statement of nondiscrimination?

Am I willing to support LGB student organizations, by founding, advising, or advocating for these groups?

What role do I play, either active or passive, in perpetuating heterosexism at my college/university?

Figure 6.1. Questions that Call for Self-reflection in Faculty who Prepare Teachers and Counselors. 261

Moreover, until educators challenge the heterosexist status quo, LGB students will continue to attempt/commit suicide, drop out of school, join fringe groups to gain acceptance, rely on prescription medicine to relieve anxiety and depression, socially withdraw in the classroom and elsewhere, and turn to alcohol and use of other substances to numb the psychological pain. Many educators, however, are reluctant to challenge heterosexism within educational institutions, contending that sexual orientation is a moral issue and thus far too controversial to address. As Pohan and Bailey (1998) pointed out, not only are issues surrounding human rights inevitably controversial, but what educators "fail to recognize is that it is a moral issue when any student is systematically denied support, representation, and/or resources within the educational system" [italics added] (p. 56). 262

Notes

1 According to Reese (1997b), the findings of a survey by the Safe Schools Coalition in the state of Washington indicated that for every LGB youth who was harassed at school, four straight youth were targeted because peers perceived them to be lesbigay.

2My thanks to Virginia, a member of my advisory panel, for pointing this out. She noted, "Everyone—regardless of sexual orientation—'experiences' heterosexism. Some are more aware than others; some perceive its oppressiveness more than others, but all people 'experience' it."

sSmetana (1986) reported that when preschoolers were asked if it was acceptable for girls to sport crew cuts and for boys to wear nail polish to preschool, children generally responded that these transgressions of prescribed gender behavior were "bad." Moreover, the children considered it to be less acceptable for boys to act feminine than vice versa.

^Turner and Helms (1991) illustrated how beginning early on children's literature plays a role in gender-role stereotyping— and notions of heterosexuality— in, for example. Mother Goose Rhymes: "Georgie Porgie . . . kissed the girls" and "Bobbie Shaftoe's gone to sea . . . he'll come back and marry me." I recall my children jumping rope to: "Cinderella, dressed in yellow, went upstairs to kiss a fellow . . ." Snow White sings, "Some day my prince will come," and the handsome prince kisses sleeping beauty and awakes her from a long sleep. Heterosexuality is ubiquitous in children's literature. REFERENCES

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Yin, R. K. (1994). Case study research: Design and methods. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications. APPENDIX A GLOSSARY

285 286

Bisexual. Term used to describe a person who is erotically attracted to either biological sex (Stewart, 1995); affectional- erotic/sexual attraction to both sexes.

Butch. "Adjective, meaning a lesbian who looks masculine or hard" or "gay male term referring to explicit masculinity" (Stewart, 1995, p. 37).

Closeted/In the Closet. Persons who are 'in the closet' keep their LGB identity hidden.

Come Out. Abbreviated term for come out of the closet, which is used by lesbigays to describe the process involved in revealing their lesbian, gay, or bi- sexuality (Stewart, 1995). Coming out is best understood not as an act but as a process involving a number of stages, including the admission of same-sex affectional-erotic orientation to oneself; the first sexual experience with a member of the same gender; informing family, friends, and colleagues; and integrating a recognition of homosexuality in other domains of life (Stewart, 1995). A person who is out of the closet is considered 'out.'

Coping. For the purposes of this study, coping refers to "the person's cognitive and behavioral efforts to manage (reduce, minimize, master, or tolerate) the internal and external demands of the person-environment interaction that is appraised as taxing or exceeding the person's resources" Folkman, Lazarus, Gruen, & DeLongis, 1986, p. 572).

Drag Oueens. A gay man dressed in the clothes of a female who is "self-consciously and obviously mimicking the opposite gender" (Stewart, 1995, p. 73).

Dyke. When used by the dominant culture, dyke is a derogatory word for lesbian. However, in the 1970s it was reclaimed by lesbians as a positive self-referential term (Stewart, 1995). 287

Familv/Familv of Choice. Lesbigays frequently have tense relationships with their biological families and consequently they denote the support networks within the LGB community as a surrogate 'family' (Stewart, 1995).

Flamer. "A gay man so effeminate that he couldn't hide his sexuality with a tarpaulin" (Stewart, 1995, p. 88). According to Stewart, people frequently use the adjective, 'flaming,' to precede the word 'faggot,' thereby creating an agreeable alliteration.

Heterocentrism. Due to the belief that practices of heterosexuals are better or more 'natural', correct, and superior to those of homosexuals or bisexuals, heterosexuality is central to all institutions, including education, marriage and family, the media, religion, etc. This term, which originated within the LGB liberation movement of the 1970s to describe a concept similar to heterosexism, includes, for example, the automatic assumption that an individual is heterosexual or that a married person is heterosexual and not in a 'front marriage'/marriage of convenience (Stewart, 1995).

Heterosexism. Term for prejudice against lesbigays "that is analogous to the terms racism and sexism" (Stewart, 1995, p. 116). As defined by Herek (1992b, p. 89), heterosexism is "an ideological system that denies, denigrates, and stigmatizes any nonheterosexual form of behavior, identity, relationship, or community." The individual, cultural/societal, and institutional beliefs and practices based on the belief that heterosexuality is the only normal and acceptable sexual orientation, thereby privileging heterosexual responses. Heterosexual privilege includes the right, for example, to take a date to the prom, hold hands in the mall, marry, have in laws, be open about residence hunting with a significant other, have children, or just display pictures of ones's significant other on the desk at the office. The terms heterosexism and homophobia differ only in degree, with the latter denoting an element of hatred or hostility. According to Herek, while 288

individual/osvcholoQical heterosexism is manifested in personal attitudes and beliefs (1992a), cultural/institutional heterosexism is manifested in societal conventions and institutions such as education, religion, and the legal system 1992b). Moreover, Kielwasser and Wolf (1994) introduced mediated heterosexism. which is "manifested in and through the processes of mass communication" (p. 61), as a type of cultural heterosexism. See also Heterosexist Bias.

Heterosexist Bias. "A belief system that values heterosexuality as superior to and/or more 'natural' than homosexuality" (Morin, 1977, p. 631). According to Garnets and Kimmel (1993, p. 56), heterosexist bias may ultimately be "the key to perceiving the cultural meaning of sexual orientation." Synonymous with "Heterosexism."

Heterosexual Ally. This term refers to heterosexual persons who take action against heterosexism and homophobia because it is beneficial to both lesbigays and themselves.

Homophobia. Friend (1993, p. 211) defined homophobia as "the fear and hatred of homosexuality in oneself and others." Homophobia includes a continuum of negative biases including the fear, hatred, or intolerance of lesbigays or any behavior that falls outside the traditional gender roles. Homophobic acts can range from name-calling to hate crimes targeting lesbigays. Herek (1991) and others (e.g., Stewart, 1995) have raised objections to the accuracy and usefulness of the term homophobia because heterosexuals' hatred of lesbigays is entirely rational (a phobia is an irrational fear of an object or situation that presents no realistic danger) and is a result of feeling threatened by any challenge to the sexual status quo. In addition, homophobia is functional in that for males it affirms their masculinity via renunciation of that which is not culturally defined as masculine, as well as that which is perceived to invalidate the importance of males (i.e., lesbianism). 289

Homosexual. First appearing in a pamphlet in 1869, this term refers to affectional-erotic/sexual attraction to the same gender. This term has been criticized for placing too much emphasis on 'sexual,' while neglecting the centrality of same-sex fantasies, attractions, identities, etc., and thus is used far more by the heterosexual media than lesbigays themselves. The latter may employ it in a pejorative manner to characterize lesbigays who remain highly closeted (Stewart, 1995).

Internalized Homophobia. Negative attitudes toward homosexuality which become incorporated into the self-image and which consequently generate a variety of psychological distortions and reactions (Gonsiorek, 1993). Due to the internalization of society's ideology of sex and gender, lesbigays generally experience, to varying degrees, some negative feelings toward themselves when they initially acknowledge their same-sex affectional-erotic orientation.

Intersublectivlty. People mutually construct actions, interactions, and meanings.

Invisible Minority. Whereas people of color cannot willingly 'pass' as white and women may have difficulty passing as a man, lesbigays can more readily pass as straight due to society's assumption of heterosexuality. This ability, the fluidity of being lesbigay, "is the distinguishing feature of the homosexual minority" (Pronger, 1992, p. 47).

Lambda. The Greek letter equivalent to an L, representing liberation, was initially adopted as the international symbol for lesbian and gay rights (Stewart, 1995). However, it is now frequently adopted by organizations to signify lesbian and gay concerns.

Nellie/Nelly. This term, used since the 1960s, refers to "either an effeminate gay man, or any activity or thing considered to be slightly on the swishy side" (Stewart, 1995, p. 178). 290

Out. Out of the closet. See Come Out.

Outing. According to Stewart (1995), outing is making a person's homosexuality public against his or her will, thus violating the individual's right to privacy. Revealing someone's homosexuality imposes the stigma of homosexuality on an individual against his or her wishes (Garnets & Kimmel, 1993).

Pink Triangle. A symbol dating from the Nazi Holocaust at which time thousands of gay men were sent to concentration camps and required to wear an inverted pink triangle badge on their clothing to identify their sexual orientation (Stewart, 1995). The current usage transforms the symbol of oppression into a symbol of gay emancipation (Kielwasser & Wolf, 1994).

Queen. "The popular self-referential slang term for gay men" (Stewart, 1995, p. 204).

Queer. Whereas the term queer has frequently been used in a pejorative manner by heterosexuals, it has been adopted by many lesbigays as a self-referent. In this sense, queer reflects an element of gay pride as in the chant, "We're here. We're queer. Get used to it."

Rainbow. Having numerous variations, the rainbow is a symbol for gay pride that was adopted in 1978 and has now been simplified to six colors: red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and violet. Judy Garland's Over the Rainbow is the gay equivalent to the national anthem (Stewart, 1995).

Stigma. A social psychological term to describe hostility toward LGB individuals at the cultural level. Herek (1991) has suggested that stigma is superior to the widely used homophobia because the latter is neither a fear response, nor is it irrational and dysfunctional.

.Stonewall [Riotl. Often cited as the watershed date in LGB history and the inception of the LGB movement, this riot occurred over 291

the course of several days from June 27-29, 1969, at a bar, the Stonewall Inn, in Greenwich Village, New York City. A number of circumstances, including Judy Garland's death, impelled the rioters to action. When the police raided the bar and arrested some patrons, the crowd, including a chorus of drag queens, displayed angry defiance and fought back, hurling beer bottles, cobblestones, and bricks. The anniversary of Stonewall is celebrated with gay pride marches in cities across the world (Stewart, 1995).

Swishy. Effeminate.

Thick Description. First used by Clifford Geertz (1973, p. 3), thick description refers to "description that goes beyond the mere or bare reporting of an act (thin description), but describes and probes the intentions, motives, meanings, contexts, situations, and circumstances of action" (Denzin, 1988, p. 39).

Verstehen. "'Subjective understanding,' of human behavior from the actors' points of view" (Herman, 1994, p. 90).

We're here, we're gueer. get used to it! A catchphrase symbolizing the new 'in your face' sentiment of LGB politics that has been used during demonstrations by the more activist groups (Stewart, 1995, p. 268). This motto reflects the atiitude, "It's your problem, not mine" attitude. APPENDIX B MY SUBJECTIVITY

292 293

Following the work of Peshkin (1988, 1991) and based on the central tenets of qualitative research, I try herein to clarify my subjectivity, particularly my personal views and biases with regard to homosexuality, and its impact on the research at hand. I also attempt to disclose to readers where "self and subject are intertwined" (Peshkin, 1991, p. 294), that is, how a particular subset of my own personal characteristics was released while investigating heterosexism within educational institutions. Beginning early in my LGB research, I began maintaining a reflexive journal. One purpose of this journal was focused self- observation and identification of my personal biases, both heterosexist and gay-affirmative. As a 50-year old, heterosexual woman, I was aware that in conducting this study, my observations, perspectives, beliefs, and insights were molded by age, gender, and heterosexuality. Consequently, I had clear concerns about issues of representation: not only was I endeavoring to represent younger students differing from myself in their affectional-erotic orientation, but, in the case of 10 male participants, I was attempting to represent a different gender. Indeed, I detected several instances of heterosexist bias, which made me even more aware of how ubiquitous heterosexism truly is, given my existing gay-affirmative biases. Each time I was certain I would conquer the last vestiges of my own heterosexism, like a phoenix, heterosexism would rise again. Strangely, however, I found that due to emergent feelings of guilt and embarrassment, my heterosexist biases were 294 far easier to monitor and detect—and occurred far less often—than my gay-affirmative biases. The later stem from a confluence of circumstances in my life experiences. Beginning at the age of nine, I spent nearly all after-school hours in ballet schools, the most memorable of which was American Ballet Theater in Manhattan. At the age of 13, I began performing with the New Jersey Ballet Company. In this environment, I was regularly exposed to LGB dancers and musicians. Indeed, my pas de deux partner's ex-wife and longtime companion would frequently attend our performances together. Moreover, in the performing arts community of the New York City area, homosexuality was taken for granted. I liked these LGB artists and admired their accomplishments, and thus it was natural that I incorporate this taken-for-grantedness into my persona. Consequently, even as a youth, I viewed these individuals as a natural reflection of diversity. At any rate, later in life, this gay-affirmation was further intensified due to my background in psychology and my position as a psychology instructor at a conservative community college for seven years. The mainstream stance of psychologists is, of course, that homosexuality does not constitute a psychological disorder: lesbians, gay men, and bisexual men and women merely reflect a normal variation of human sexuality. Hence, my classroom responses to my college-age students' rare questions on homosexuality have today reflected the philosophies of professional organizations in both education and psychology and my inclinations 295

toward gay-affirmation. Many students are also aware of my liberal stance on other issues, both in and out of the classroom. For example, students were aware that I completed the Texas Department of Health's five day HIV/AIDS training course and, as a consequence, was listed in the Texas registry of pre- and post- serotological test counselors. They knew I had been an active volunteer at a local AIDS resource center and that I was instrumental in coordinating an annual World AIDS Day observance at the college. For these and other reasons (e.g., perhaps gadar in LGB students is so refined that they not only easily identify other lesbigays, but can also recognize persons who are gay-affirmative), LGB students began to filter into my office and tell their tales of conflict and distress. The unsolicited tales of heterosexism that poured forth had an emotional impact on me and further deepened my gay-affirmative biases. Although I had initially considered doing my dissertation research in the area of the psychology of humor, as a consequence of these interactions with LGB students I found myself increasingly drawn toward heterosexism as a topic.

Not only did the foregoing life experiences undoubtedly influence my decision to investigate heterosexism for my dissertation study, but these experiences influenced every stage of the research (Peshkin, 1988, 1991) from the conversational interviews to the final stages of phenomenological writing and re writing (van Manen, 1984). My own biography framed how I generated and analyzed the data, as well as how I described 296

participants. Not only did my biography shape the questions that I asked participants, but it influenced what I noticed or failed to notice. For example, because I found the performing arts community in NYC to be liberal in their attitudes towards lesbigays, I assumed that to be true as well at the educational institutions under study. As it turned out, this was not the case, and my biographical experiences filtered what I heard, thus leading me to overlook the first account of the conservative nature of the School of Music at one large university in West Texas and its intolerant attitudes towards lesbigays. Only when two other participants reported this conservatism did I take heed and begin to probe this topic. My subjectivity further surfaced in my conversational interviews with participants when I sometimes had difficulty masking my reactions. Consequently, I recognized several instances when I was responsible for leading biases. For example, when Bryan told me the story about his friend, a drag queen whose 6th grade teacher asked him to walk next to a girl so classmates could judge which of the two walked the most like a girl, I said, "Oh, oh, OH!," thereby presenting a leading bias. Appalled at the teacher's insensitivity to Bryan's friend, I had dropped the veneer of objectivity and revealed my underlying gay-affirmative biases. Likewise, when Jason disclosed that after he had been the target of verbal and physical assaults during PE class, the coach "didn't do a thing," instead assigning Jason to "clean the locker room and the showers." On the transcript, my response to the cleaning reads. 297

"But that's kind of . . . that's punishment!" Moreover, as participants engaged my emotions, I felt that I wanted to redress the heterosexist wrongs. Having heard participants' voices quaver, listened to their bitterness, and watched as tears came to their eyes, I continually wrestled with my subjectivity. Both during the interviews and as I transcribed the audiotapes, I frequently found myself judging the administrators, classroom teachers, and counselors, not to mention the participants' parents. Van Manen (1984, p. 68) discussed "responsive-reflective writing" as the pith of phenomenology. At the stage of phenomenological writing, gay-affirmative biases, which had been merely some intermittent waves during data collection, surfaced as a tsunami. Particularly in earlier drafts of this dissertation, I found that my subjectivity was evident in my language and choice of words, such as my addition of adjectives and adverbs. For example, my use of the adverbs "fortunately/unfortunately" suggested my subjectivity. When I wrote that students were "branded" as homosexual, dissertation committee members would substitute the more neutral term, "labeled." In addition, I regularly had to resist my predisposition to mount the gay-affirmative soap box, to assume that my primary role was advocate, and to generalize beyond my participants to all LGB students. Moreover, I experienced considerable resentment when committee members, catching me in the act, reminded me of the "tone" of my writing or pointed out instances of "editorializing." 298

Only after I left the research context for a period of six weeks was I able to better conduct a subjectivity audit, begin to relinquish some of the defensiveness I felt, and more rationally distinguish my gay-affirmative biases. However, readers should be aware that, due to time constraints, at the time that the last draft of the dissertation was submitted, I had been outside the research context for only a brief period of time. Therefore, despite my efforts to monitor and tame my subjectivity, my unwitting overidentification with participants may be more apparent to readers than myself. APPENDIX C INFORMED CONSENT FORM

299 300 Informed Consent Form

I have been informed that the purpose of the study, "Heterosexism and Stigma Within Educational Institutions: Coping Efforts of Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual Students in Texas and Its Bordering Cities," is to describe the school experiences of gay, lesbian, and bisexual (LGB) students, including their needs, problems, and concerns regarding the educational system, as well as examine their coping efforts in response to the stressors they encounter therein. Furthermore, I have received and read a copy of the basic outline of the interview and questions involved therein. I understand that my participation in the interview will be strictly voluntary and that I may terminate the interview at any point in time without penalty. I also understand that all the information that I provide in the interview will be anonymous and my identity will remain strictly confidential. The information from the interview(s) will be used for the sole purpose outlined by this study. I am aware that while I will not be paid for participation in this study, my responses may benefit lesbigay students in that, should the study be published, the information obtained in the interviews may help create a better school experience for future lesbigay students in Texas and its bordering cities. Moreover, society, in general, may benefit from hearing my experiences in that they may see the importance of according dignity, honor, and respect to every student. I also understand that I am eligible to win a drawing for one of two $50 gift certificates to the Gap to be held on June 1, 1998, in appreciation of my participation in this study. I understand that no known risks, other than the risks of daily life, are associated with this study. While it is unlikely that the questions will upset me, if this should happen the researcher will terminate the interview and, if necessary, refer me to the college/university counseling services. If, for any reason, this research does cause physical or psychological harm to study participants, treatment is not necessarily available at Texas Tech University or the Student Health Center, nor is there necessarily any insurance carried by TTU or its personnel applicable to cover any such injury. Financial compensation for such injury must be paid through the participant's own insurance program. Further information regarding these matters may be obtained by contacting Dr. Robert Sweazy, Vice Provost for Research, 742- 3884, Room 203, Holden Hall, Texas Tech University, Lubbock, Texas 79409. I understand that the principal researcher in this study is Ginny Mahan [894-3840 (H), 894-9611, X 2196 (W); Department of Behavioral Sciences, South Plains College, 1401 S. College Avenue, Box 164, Levelland, Texas 79336] under the supervision of Drs. Mary Tallent-Runnells and Richard Powell, and that Ginny Mahan is available to answer any questions that may arise regarding the procedures in this study. I know that I may contact the Texas Tech University Institutional Review Board for the Protection of Human Subjects in Research by writing them in care of the Office of Research Services, Texas Tech University, Lubbock, Texas 79409, or by calling 742-3884. I hereby give my consent for participation in this study and to be interviewed in reference to my school experiences in Texas and its bordering cities.

Signature of Participant Date Initial one of the following: Yes, I agree to be audiotaped. No, I do not consent to be audiotaped in this interview.

Signature of Researcher Date

••RESEARCHER'S COPY** APPENDIX D INSTITUTIONAL REVIEW BOARD (IRB) APPROVAL FORM

301 302

TEXAS TECH UNIVERSITY Office of Research Services

203 Holden HaU Lubbock. Texas 79409-1035 (806) 742-3884/FAX (806) 742-3892

March 13, 1998

Dr. Maiy K. Tallent Runnels Dr. Richard R. Powell Ms. Ginny Mahan Ed Dean's Ofc MS 1071

RE: Project 97339 Heterosentrism, Heterosexism, and Stigma: Lived Experiences, Interactions, and Coping Efforts of Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual Students in Texas

Dear Dr. Tallent Runnels:

The Texas Tech University Committee for the Protection of Human Subjects has ^proved your proposal referenced above. The approval is effective from March 1,1998 through February 27, 1999. You will be reminded of the pending expiration one month before your approval expires so that you may request an extension if you wish.

The best of luck on your project. Sincerely,

Dr. Roman Taraban, Chair Human Subjects Use Committee

An EEO/AjJirmatwe Action Institution APPENDIX E LETTER OF RECRUITMENT

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Box 1 64 March 15, 1998

Dear

I am undertaking a dissertation entitled "Heterosexism and Stigma within Educational Institutions: Coping Efforts of Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual Students in Texas and Its Bordering Cities." The intent of this research is twofold. First, this study seeks to illuminate the lived experiences of lesbian, gay, and bisexual (LGB) students in Texas and its bordering cities, particularly with regard to the various stresses of living in a heterocentric and heterosexist society in general and functioning in nonsupportive, even hostile, educational institutions in particular. Second, this study will investigate the strategies LGB students use to cope with the heterocentrism, heterosexism, and stigma they encounter in their daily interactions with others. Therefore, I am seeking gay men, lesbians, and bisexual men and women who are currently enrolled as college/university students to volunteer to be Interviewed and/or provide written anecdotal information. Participants must have been enrolled in schools in Texas or its bordering cities for a minimum of two consecutive years (this may include recent experience in the public schools). All information provided in the interview(s) and written accounts will be anonymous and identities will remain strictly confidential. The information therein will be used for the sole purpose of the study.

While I do not have the funds to pay volunteers for their participation in this study, their response may benefit lesbigay students in that, should the study be published or presented at educational research conferences, the information obtained in interviews may help create a better school experience for these students in the future. Moreover, society, in general, may benefit from hearing the experiences of gay men, lesbians, and bisexuals in that they may see the importance of according dignity, honor, and respect to every person. In appreciation for participant assistance, all participants will be entered into a drawing for two $50 gift certificates to The Gap to be held on June 1, 1998.

The principal researcher in this study is Ginny Mahan [894-3840 (H), 894-9611, X 2196 (W); Department of Behavioral Sciences, South Plains College, 1401 S. College Avenue, Box 164, Levelland, Texas 79336] under the supervision of Dr. Mary Tallent-Runnels (Dissertation Chair) and Dr. Richard Powell (Methodologist). Ginny Mahan is available to answer any questions that may arise regarding the procedures in this study. If need be, you may inquire as to the legitimacy of this study by contacting the Texas Tech University Institutional Review Board for the Protection of Human Subjects in Research by writing them in care of the Office of Research Services, Texas Tech University, Lubbock, Texas 79409, or by calling 742-3884.

Individuals who meet the above criteria, who are interested in volunteering for a one hour interview regarding their experiences in the educational system, and who would like more information may call me at 894-9611, X 2196 (W) or 894-3840 (H). I am looking forward to having you share your experiences with me.

Yours truly,,

Ginn>r Mahan, Associate Professor of Psychology APPENDIX F PERMISSION TO USE COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL

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Warner Bros. Publications A \Mam«r Muitc Qroup Company

Joly 7,1998

Ms. Virginia J. Mahan SOUTH PLAINS COLLEGE 1401 So. College Avenue Levelland, Texas 79336

Dear Virginia:

This letter serves as your permission to reprint lyrics, OIVLY, from the copyrighted composition UVE TO TELL, by Madonna Ciccone and Pat Leonard, in defense of your dissertation entitled EffiTEROSEXISM WITHIN EDUCATIONAL EVSTITUTIONS; COPING EFFORTS OF LGB STUDENTS IN TEXAS.

This permission is limited to the terms of your Faxed request dated June 24,1998 and does not authorize the inclusion of the material in any other form for distribution, free or for charge. It is understood by us that UNIVERSITY MICROFILMS may supply single copies on demand to the research community.

This permission is granted on a gratis, non-exclusive basis. In addition, the following copyright notice must appear in your Acknowledgements:

UVE TO TELL, by Madonna Ciccone and Pat Leonard e 1986 WB Music Corp. (ASCAP), Bleu Disque Music Co., Inc (ASCAP) Webo Girl Publishing, Inc. (ASCAP) and Johnny Yuma Music (BMI) All Rights Reserved Used by Permission WARNER BROS. PUBLICATIONS U.S. INC., Miami, FL. 33014

Please acknowledge receipt and acceptance of the permission by affixing your signature in the space provided below. Please retain one copy, returning the second to this office.

Thank you for your interest in our publications. We wish you well with this project

Sincerely, Received & Accepted: r'ARNER BROS. PUBUCATIONS U.S. INC. )S&a^ losemarie Gawelkp, Manager Vir^ia J. Mahai^ Copynght/Licensii^g Administration

15800 N.W. 48th Avenue • P.O. Box 4340 • Miami. Fterida 33014 • (305)620-1500 • Fax (305)621-1094 APPENDIX G PARTICIPANT MAPS OF STRESSORS, FEELINGS, AND COPING EFFORTS

307 308

Identification Code OjlAk\^559iOA\(\lj Name AfldrgW AHQIQ Major Hicrobiologij

Figure G.l. Andrew's Map of Stressors, Emotional States/Feelings, and Coping Responses. 309

Identification Code L FA 1^^55604 D4Z Name ^rbargL An/jo

Major PioloQU

Figure G.2. Barbara's Map of Stressors, Emotional States/Feelings, and Coping Responses. 310

Identification Code AMBieQ6FlQl02. Name prian tfaf.K Age I ft Major VQiV!fc i^r-Fnrmanc/^/Sroadcast cloumalism

Figure G.3. Brian's Map of Stressors, Emotional States/Feelings, and Coping Responses. 311

Ideotificatioo Code AMA2lFf)TnQQfl£ Name Bryan Anglo MaiorFnjh^li/fierm^n

Figure G.4. Bryan's Map of Stressors, Emotional States/Feelings, and Coping Responses. 312

^ Age, '^'feguiyrit.Wl.and lr»itlu4i'on Mana9cmen+)

Figure G.5. Christian's Map of Stressors, Emotional States/Feelings, and Coping Responses. 313

codeJiMAl955E05QIl X i Major ^nciolontj

Figure G.6. Corey's Map of Stressors, Emotional States/Feelings, and Coping Responses. 314

Identification Code 6MA2.^F^D^^Z Name VAnJpl Annlo Age IS ^^ Major Polr4ig/>l gfiience/Fhilflsophv/

Figure G.7. Daniel's Map of Stressors, Emotional States/Feelings, Feelings, and Coping Responses. 315

Identification Co6c_QM25S£&Q2Q21 Name]3i50n ,

Major jistQCy

fifi^^

Figure G.8. Jason's Map of Stressors, Emotional States/Feelings, and Coping Responses. 316

Identification Code 6MA5g5SR^C>5>L NameTTona-l-han Anglo Age ,^5 ^^ Major fejjdlOlPgjJ

Figure G.9. Jonathan's Map of Stressors, Emotional States/Feelings, and Coping Responses. 317

Identification CodcjSlMAMSBMjai. °>e 'jjulian

M^i

Figure G.IO. Julian's Map of Stressors, Emotional States/Feelings, and Coping Responses. 318

Idotifigtion CodeJ.fAJlE^Q2Q2L N«me ndltj ^njkL Age. '" M«ior VS4fJlQ|P9tj

Figure G.ll. Kelly's Map of Stressors, Emotional States/Feelings, and Coping Responses. 319

Identification Code fiMAW^I l/)OI Name^yn^irK /\^6 Age 7^ ^^

Figure G.l2. Mark's Map of Stressors, Emotional States/Feelings, and Coping Responses. 320

Identification CodclBlSSSEQaOiL Name MolltJ AMIQ Age 26 *s . Myy R9*,|iion l/n^ign

Figure G.l 3. Molly's Map of Stressors, Emotional States/Feelings, and Coping Responses. 321

Identification CodeJiMAiHSSSOfiflll. Name ^|Qe| , Age 20 ^ Major0^L/5ic Rprfnrtngnc/^

Figure G.l4. Nigel's Map of Stressors, Emotional States/Feelings, and Coping Responses.