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APPENDIX D the Interview Transcriptions Olivia The Experience of Coming Out 207 APPENDIX D The Interview Transcriptions Olivia [1] Can you tell me when the possibility first occurred to you that you were sexually attracted to women? I think I was about…23. I was asexual…for a long time. Through undergrad and the first part of grad school. A woman approached me. Many women would approach me. And um…a lot of people assumed I was gay before I even acknowledged or even dealt with it. Once I left my father’s house, I just was not sexual. [2] So you were 23 years old, and then what happened? You were out of the house. I was out of the house. I was in graduate school already. Her name was Sara Lincoln. She befriended me. There were a couple of women but I didn’t really know what the response was. To give you some background on that, my mother left my father when I was ten. Okay? Um, So he…there was four of us, and he raised us. I took her place in the household. Okay, um …[pause] and I was a chubby child. I was bulimic. And as a young adult, I didn’t want the weight. I didn’t like um “you have a fat ass” type of thing. So even now my sister goes through this thing about how I eat. Um…If I gain, you know, too much weight I [shifted around on the couch with a deep breath] get real paranoid-hysterical? Because I don’t like the attraction of the body. um...[Mouth puckers and air explodes out, reminding me of purging sound] ooh. So when we connected with my mother, I hadn’t seen my mother for about twelve years, and when we connected with my mother, my mother was a lesbian. And I never knew that. And at that time, I didn’t know women could be lesbian. I was 20. Maybe, yeah, 20, I was at Maryland. I was in…no…wait a second, I was 19. And um my mother was living on Long Island with her lover, and my sister was at LIU, in New York. And my sister had found my mother. And so as a kid, I idolized my mother, even when she wasn’t there. I internalized her values. But when I saw her, I was angry. And I sort of freaked out. I really had no conversation … and she never said, “I am gay.” What she said to us is that her and her friend, her lover, were nurses. And they were there to take care of each other. That was the reason they slept in the same room, and things like that. Um, my mother died the next year, and my brothers overheard Marlene, which was her lover, tell another friend of theirs that we wouldn’t let her have anything to do because there was something about their relationship that just wasn’t said. And when my mother died, she wanted to have something to do with the arrangements and we wouldn’t allow it. Um ... and she said she was my lover and she was saying this to a friend, and my bothers overheard it. So we proceeded to punish this woman. Um [explosive sound]…um, so we told her mother [laugh]. Um…and then I left NY and I came back to Washington, um…and like I said at that time, I didn’t…the whole thing around sex, I just didn’t like um…the approaches from men. It’s like with my father, um, he can be out of this household, mentally I was so controlled…um and he would always say don’t let another man touch you…um…so I didn’t. Um…and, I really didn’t like um…I guess sexual advances from men. Um…my…my father would like to come in my face. Um…so it was a thing…um…[breath] where I wasn’t…I really just, the whole thing about a penis, the whole thing about it, I really um…didn’t embrace um…[explosive sound]. I had gotten married. I have a daughter, Danielle. Um…Danielle lives in Virginia [swallow]. Um…her father was nice to me. I had no perception about love. He was just kind to me, and he was older. And in a lot of ways, he resembled my father. Um…but that whole sexual thing, I think I was frigid. Um…So Franklin had girlfriends, and that was ok with me. I always knew wherever we would live I would bring my sister, my sister with me. Even though she was younger, she was like my protector because she would fight back. And I wouldn’t fight back. Um…so when I wound up with Franklin, Renee lived with us. And that was okay with him, cause then he could go out and do what he had to do. When I got pregnant um…with Danielle, um…let me break that up. Franklin, we separated…um… separated for about five years, and it was during that period that I was introduced to women. Okay? The Experience of Coming Out 208 [3] So you had Danielle before you were 23? No. I had…no, I didn’t have Danielle until we got back together. Okay, okay. No. We had separated um…and then I was introduced to women. Um…and at some of the introductions…um…which principally he perceived that I was gay. So he had girlfriends that were bisexual. Um…and he had asked this one lady, Betty, and she introduced me into the life. But I wasn’t attracted then. I really didn’t understand. And it’s almost like I was stupid…um. [4] Your feelings make sense to me. [laughter] Even the come-on, the what ever, we were friends, but I just couldn’t perceive, you know. She said come sleep in my bedroom. And she would go to touch me, but you know, I just didn’t feel right. So I’d get up and sleep on the floor. And she knows I would be friends with her, but it never became sexual. Um…she…her friend, one of her girlfriends, who was not her lover, was Sara Lincoln. Um…[explosive sound], Sara and I were…I guess more alike than Betty and I, in terms of work. Um…like for instance…we used to like some things…mostly work and study. She worked for the government, and I worked for the government. And we had a lot in common. I enjoyed talking to her. I just enjoyed…um… but I did not perceive her, you know, um…being gay. I didn’t think, this you know, she had boyfriends too. And then one…I don’t know was bisexual. That...that crowd that I went with, most of them were bisexual. Um…so she wanted to come over one day, she wanted to come over for dinner. So I said okay, and we ate. We smoked marijuana and um we were in the bedroom watching TV and she touched me. And, I didn’t move because…uh, but it was comfortable. Um...and she continued to touch me and um, and I thought in my brain that um somehow, from that encounter that I must be in love with this woman. Um…so I became obsessed. Um, but it wasn’t that way for her. Um…but that’s how I got introduced to women, and in that circle of women, to Sara and Rachel, you know. [5] So from that time on you weren’t exclusively with women? After that, um…let’s see, I was obsessed with Sara for about six to eight months. And then um, she had to meet me at a mutual friend, Rachel, a Jewish girl. Um…and um, Rachel was attractive. She said she can [ ], but she’s domineering. Um…somehow, she just led that friendship. You know what I am saying, I was living with her out in the wide open. We stayed together for about 3 years. Um, then my father was alive, and I thought I was going to marry her. It’s very…I didn’t put the restraints, the social restraints on what could happen, and what couldn’t happen, and I brought her back home and introduced her. I don’t know, my father by then, was somewhat senile, I don’t know if he truly understood, you know. His thing, part of his thing is that he wanted to go to bed with her. Um, [explosive sound] we came back, there was a conflict. We came back to Washington and just continued our lives at that point. It was that type of thing. You mentioned therapy. I went into therapy. I’m in therapy now. My doctor is doctor Dr. Marks, and so she’s a lesbian too, in Silver Springs. I go there once a week. I’ve been going there for, I guess, I’m with her for about 6 years. But I spent, [pause] um…when I was 12, I guess, I’m digressing, [laugh] I’m sorry, from my father’s abuse, I think I had a breakdown. I went the first time I think I was institutionalized, was at 12. And I was put into Bellevue. I used to shake and my teeth would shake. And people would come and touch me and I’d just freak out. And I think I stayed there for about a month.
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