14 The award-winning student

newspaper of Imperial College . 05

“Keep The Cat Free” .

Issue 1,461 10 ffelixelix felixonline.co.uk This week... Funding review protest A promising future lies ahead for graduates DDanan WanWan Editor-in-Chief

mperial College Union took part in a protest that saw students from the 20 leading English uni- Iversities demand that “disingen- uous” tactics by their institutions stop. Ashley Brown, Imperial College Union President, entered the Russell Group offices alongside other student representatives from across the coun- News, Page 3 try this past Monday. They handed over a strong letter of protest insisting that the Russell Group publish their reports submitted to Lord Browne’s Labour in government: The review on higher education fees. The Russell Group is a collective of good, bad and the ugly 20 leading universities, including Im- perial College. The Aldwych Group is a the student union counterpart, describing themselves as the Russell Group’s “watchdog”. The Russell Group had reportedly refused to publicly divulge the content of reports that were to be submitted to the Indepedent Review of Higher Education Funding and Student Fi- nance. The review is led by ex-BP Chief Executive, Lord Browne. How- ever, a spokesperson for the Russell Politics, Page 8 Group told felix that they had “always intended to make the reports publicly available.” Lord Browne had asked all relevant A beautiful linger: Scents parties from across the country to sub- mit a first round of written arguments of the past and present and viewpoints for a review that on completion, will influence the Govern- ment’s decision on increasing univer- sity tuition fees. The 1994 Group, who represent a lower tier of British uni- versities, have already submitted their reports alongside around 90 other in- stitutions. They are all publically avail- able on the Review’s official website, but one report’s admission has been noted: The Russell Group’s. Students protest against Oxford University Student Union had requests for freedom of informa- universities over tuition fee Fashion, Page 17 tion on this report previously rejected; The Russell Group had asked their re- ports to be kept confidential until pub- recommendations lication. Continued on page 4 How to lose friends, but win an argument Controversial cinema Blasphemy, terrorists and ‘freaks’ are just some of the most contentious subjects in the history of film. For more, see page 12 and 13 Hangman, Page 23 2 felix FRIDAY 14 MAY 2010 NNewsews EditorEditor KadhimKadhim ShubberShubber NEWS [email protected] Students apprehensively pleased with Phase 3 designs

Artists’ impressions of the unnamed bar (currently da Vinci’s), left, and the new nightclub Metric, left. Students are wary of the overly “classy” look the Union have gone for.

RRoxox MMiddletoniddleton dBs’ grubby façade will also be left straight onto the wall. colourful and have a bit more artwork” raised over acoustics in such a space exposed to give a “warehouse feel” al- The Phase 3 team are calling for eve- and an online commentator described and how nice it would be during the though the dancefloor in front of the ryone with an opinion to comment the plans as looking like “oversized day. Phase 3 responded that they were As dBs is being stripped behind board- stage will be wooden. The permanent online, and are stressing that there is bachelor pads”. consulting with ‘professional sound ed-up doors, the Union’s Phase 3 build- DJ booth behind the stage is described still scope for alterations to the plans. The biggest bone of contention companies’ and that lighting would be ing redevelopment team have released as the “centerpiece of Metric, com- felix went out to find out what the amongst everyone surveyed, both on key to the day/night transformation. the first artistic impressions of plans plete with an LED acrylic wall which opinion was amongst students around and offline was the furniture. Phase 3 They will also be working on measures for the interiors of both Metric and the can change colour and design”. Imperial. Reactions were reasonably were quick to point out that the furni- to prevent the club getting too cold to new (nameless) bar. Two detailed im- The scheme also gives more infor- positive although with typical pessi- ture in the bar “is only an indication”, drink in during the day. Many con- ages can be found on the Union web- mation about how Metric will be used, mistic style, one fresher described the and would be discussed in a meeting cerns were also voiced about the dan- site, along with lots of photos of the including a proposed low-ceilinged Bar plans as “way TOO nice” and an- that took place yesterday. The chairs gers of the concrete floor when wet for work going on inside the old dBs. area with comfortable booth seat- other commented “it looks classy, but were widely criticized for their unsus- drunk people slipping over, but phase These are the first designs to be ing away from the dancefloor. It’ll be it also looks like a place where you’d tainably light colour and fragility and 3 were quick to reassure students that released to student opinion, and the open seven days a week and although get kicked out of if you were wank- were derided for not providing a con- it would be perfectly safe. Phase 3 team are trying hard to gauge not pictured, the plan is apparently ered”. The plans were also described as vivial enough atmosphere. Most peo- There are a few comparisons of it, in line with their policy of involving for removable furniture to convert the misrepresentative because “it looks a ple complained that benches would be Eastside bar with the new venue, both students in every step of the develop- venue for daytime use as well. lot bigger in the pictures than it is” and better to provide enough comfortable positive and negative, with some peo- ment. They are replying to comments The bar which will replace daVinci’s as “not stunning but they’re a step in seating, although phase 3 said that ple thinking the plans look too much posted on the phase 3 blog with expla- is also shown with exposed brick- the right direction.” One Union punter benches were not consistent with the like the existing bar-restaurant and nations of the scheme and promises to work behind the counter. The rest of said ambiguously “if this bar was in atmosphere they wanted to create. others describing them as a good al- consider students’ suggestions. it is much more upmarket than da- Hammersmith I wouldn’t go in.” Com- Metric’s plans were even more high- ternative to it. Metric’s look, as described on the Vinci’s currently; plans show a pol- ments online are mostly very support- ly praised as “definitely … an alterna- blog, will have a floor made of “pol- ished wooden floor, concrete below ive, and most people like the colours tive to other clubs in London as a night ished concrete which is not only hard- and above the bar itself and baby- and modern design, although a few out”, “Fabric-esque” and “just the right wearing, but also provides an edgy, blue painted walls. Gone are the TV people were in favour of brighter col- mix of student and chic”. Generally Do you agree? Ensure your opinion is modern urban feel”. Brickwork and screens and instead there are plans to our scheme. One person we spoke to the ‘industrial’ atmosphere was com- heard by commenting; to do so visit beams that have been found behind project sports and other programmes said “it needs to be a lot more fun and mended although doubts have been the Union website and Phase 3 blog. 14

Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB. Tel: 020 7594 8072. .

Fax: 020 7594 8065. Printed by The Harmsworth Printing Ltd, Northcliffe House, 05 Meadow Road, Derby, DE1 2BH Registered newspaper ISSN 1040-0711. 1,461 Jigsaw font by typotheque.com. Happy Birthday Adrian! felix . Copyright © Felix 2010. 10

This issue of felix was brought to you by:

Editor-in-Chief Editor-in-Prowling Deputy Editor Copy Chief Dan Wan Kadhim Shubber Gilead Amit Sasha Nicoletti

Assistant Editors Business Editor Music Editors Politics Editors: Jovan Nedić Sina Ataherian Kadhim Shubber James Goldsack H. G. WELLS Charlotte Morris Alex Ashford Katya-yani Vyas International Editor Luke Turner James Lees 11990404 ANNNNUAUAL News Editor Tom Greany

Kadhim Shubber Comment Editors Travel Editor OF ANNUAL ARTS Film Editor Ravi Pall Dylan Lowe Clubs and Socs Editor News Reporters Ed Knock Charlotte Morris Alex Kendall Rox Middleton Coffee Break Editor COLLEGE IMPERIAL Joanna Cai Technology Editor Science Editors Charles Murdoch Features Editor Alex Karapetian Samuel Gibbs Brigette Atkins Afonso Campos Alice Rowlands Nathan Ley Puzzles Captain Sports Editors Sean Farres Layout Editors Mustapher Botchway What’s On Editor Marc Kerstein Your poetry, fiction, photography and Carlos Karingal David Wilson Ziggi Szafranski Photography Matt Colvin Holly Farrer Indy Leclercq Ben Smith Lizzy Griffiths artwork to [email protected] by Arts Editors Alex Karapetian Ayyub Kamaludin Online Editors Fashion Editor Caz Knight Jamie Beal Friday 21st May. Ravi Pall Kawai Wong Rosie Milton Catnip Editor Richard Howard Chris Birkett Saskia Verhagen Lucy Harrold Rhys Davies Stefan Zeeman felix FRIDAY 14 MAY 2010 3 NEWS Imperial graduates ‘will mould future’ As 2,000 postgraduates were awarded degrees, Sir Keith O’Nions told Imperial graduates that they will be able to be the future of science. He might just be right. Alexander Karapetian and Joanna Cai report.

Flower Pot listens to Sir Keith O’Nions intently as he proudly gradutes with a 1st in Material Sciences. A head full of mud, who’d have thought?

ir Keith O’Nions has em- phasised the need for op- “You have the timism amongst Imperial’s Doom and gloom in the job market? Think again S latest postgraduate students knowledge and awarded degrees at the grad- recent poll by the Association of Graduate uation ceremonies held in the Royal understanding Recruiters (AGR) has shown that the lat- Albert Hall. est batch of graduates now face improved The ceremonies, the largest post- that is key to A career and job prospects, for the first time graduate awards in the history of the since the recession took place. 79% college, where some 2000 students meeting the The poll was carried out last month, surveying 91 received their degrees, were watched major graduate employers about their hiring plans for Proportion of companies whose by roughly 4700 guests. The ceremo- challenges and this year. Two thirds of these companies said that they nies were attended by Lord Sainsbury, currently still had graduate vacancies, and according to graduate recruitment targets remained Professor Robert Nerem and Profes- opportunities of AGR, the average graduate pay remains at 2008’s levels. the same or increased from last year’s. sor Sir Andrew McMichael, who each When asked about their recruitment targets for 2010, received honorary degrees, as well as tomorrow” 37.4% of employers said that theirs were higher than last entrepreneur Ram Gidoomal, Chair- year’s, 41.8% remained the same, whereas 20.8% were man of Singapore’s Agency for Sci- lower than last year’s. 25s: 100,000 of which are graduates. ence Lim Chuan Poh and Trustee of The ceremonies celebrated staff and Graduate level vacancies saw a 10% fall last year, when Nevertheless, many employers recruiting graduates the Wolfson Foundation Lady Wolf- students who had made substantial many companies ceased to recruit graduates and some still stress the importance of wider employability skills son, who were admitted to the Fel- contributions, with Jad Marrouche even withdrew their offers; the figures from this year which are as, or even more, important than the specif- lowship of Imperial College London. of the Department of Physics receiv- have almost levelled out. ic occupational, technical or academic skills associated The Rector, who described the ing a Student Award for Outstanding with degree programmes. In a 2007 Institute of Direc- graduates as “our greatest contribu- Achievement to recognise his out- tors (IoD) survey, 61% of members stated that graduates’ tion to societies around the world’’, reach work and Jane Mitchell from There are currently over employability skills were more important than academic said: “As you now pursue and develop the National Heart and Lung Insti- skills, compared to only 12% believing that they were less your careers, you are amongst the tute receiving the Rector’s Award for 900, 000 unemployed important. most talented and able people in the Excellence in Research Supervision. A study carried out by Incomes Data Services found world.’’ Research Excellence Awards were under-25s, 100,000 of which that graduate recruitment in finance would increase by He continued to explain: also given to two academic groups 15% this year, compared to the drop of 38% last year. On “Attributes such as pessimism and specialising in molecular systems en- are graduates. the other hand, the public sector and charities will see self doubt have always been in short gineering and nanotechnology in rec- vacancies drop by 7% as a result of public spending cuts, supply at Imperial College and would ognition of research of significant fu- which is also the reason for the recent strikes and sit-ins in my view be entirely misplaced at ture potential. The awards are worth However, the students who are leaving university this undertaken by members of King’s College and Middlesex. these times. You have the knowledge £150,000 each. year will undoubtedly face competition from the grad- Despite the recent increase in competition amongst job and understanding that is key to Postgraduates after the ceremony uates of 2008 and 2009, since many of them are still in applicants, employers still find that applications are of- meeting the challenges and opportu- were quick to mention their satisfac- search of jobs. This will mean that despite the currently ten bulk written and mass e-mailed to them, which does nities of tomorrow - you will without tion with Imperial with comments optimistic figures for job vacancies, the competition will not do the applicant any favours. In AGR’s poll, only 29% doubt be part of moulding the world’s praising the semi-taught, semi-re- remain fierce for entry-level jobs, in which one in three of employers got the impression that applicants were future. Your skills, knowledge and ex- search based approach employed in requires a degree as a prerequisite. working harder on their applications in the current job pertise are necessary now more than some degrees, explaining that this 71.5% of the companies asked confirmed that their climate. ever, because it is only through in- helped spark thoughts regarding number of applicants were higher than last year. It can For students who are, or soon will be, embarking on novation in science, technology and whether they’d like to continue scien- cost employers up to £3bn each year to run the business their quest for that mysterious graduate job, it is impor- medicine and sound business sense tific research in future. AK of recruiting, paying and training graduates, and employ- tant to remember that this generation of graduates will that our economy will advance. We ers will be working hard this year to try to attract the probably have many careers and even more jobs within can only guess at the advances that best graduate talents, whilst forecasting the trends in the their working lifetime than any previous generation, so it your generation will make - but I am graduate market. is perhaps best not to consider a career as ‘cradle to the confident you will be part of it.’’ There are currently over 900,000 unemployed under- grave’. JC 4 felix FRIDAY 14 MAY 2010 NEWS [email protected] Confidential Review submission released Russell Group insist student protest did not influence the release of their Browne Review reports

Continued from front page made public. I think they had plenty similar matters. The governmental department of time to think about their decisions “We are working on our own in- dealing with the freedom of informa- before we turned up.” dependently-researched report into tion request was subject to a “public With the Russell Group seemingly the issues surrounding the funding interest” exemption, saying that the taking a U-turn in their decision to of higher education. We submitted information could be seen “out of keep their documents confidential our early findings for this report to context”. and publishing their submission by the Browne Review in time for their The Aldwych Group, led by LSE’s the end of the week, Apkan-Inwang first deadline and asked the Review Emmanuel Apkan-Inwang, responded championed the power of student team to treat our advice as confiden- by physically handing over a letter representation. tial pending the publication of our at the Russell Group head offices in “We represent 20 institutions com- planned reports on the funding of Trafalgar Square. The protest letter ing together, and our views are diffi- universities and further analysis of pushed the influential Russell Group cult for the Russell Group to ignore. the issues involved,” Piatt said. to make their recommendations to There was also plenty of media cover- So, was the organised handover of the Browne Review publically avail- age from the BBC and local newspa- the protest letter a waste of time? At able alongside every other institutions’ pers,” he said. the very least, the Aldwych Group equivalent reports. They additionally However, upon contacting the Rus- have established the report’s date of requested a solid timetable for future sell Group, a spokesperson refuted publication as Friday 14th May. review submissions be laid down after the idea of their decision regarding Despite imminent publication, Un- being given the vague timescale of “the confidentiality had been reversed ion President Ashley Brown was “dis- next few weeks” for this submission. in response to Monday’s letter of appointed” that the Russell Group “As student representatives, we find protest. had hindered any chance of higher it disingenuous and underhand that “We always intended to make the education debate at the General the UK’s elite universities have re- submissions publically available, but Election. fused several freedom of information we are publishing them to our own “Its disappointing that this General requests asking for its submissions to schedule. The publication of the re- Election wasn’t about higher educa- be published,” said Akpan-Inwang. ports this week has nothing to do tion which is vital to securing our “The outcome of the Browne Re- with the Aldwych Group,” she said to economic recovery and affect the fu- view may represent the most sig- felix. tures of millions of people. We want nificant change to higher education Speaking about the Russell Group’s an open debate on the issues, which funding in decades. It is completely submission to the Browne Review, wasn’t achieved by the Russell Group unacceptable that it has been with- Dr Wendy Piatt, Director General keeping their submission confidential held until after the election and clear backed up these claims. for so long,” he said. that the Russell Group are attempting “The Review invited those submit- Though the Russell Group ex- to stifle debate.” ting evidence to indicate whether pressed confusion at the students’ ap- The at-the-door protest yielded a they would prefer that evidence to pearance on their doorstep, The Ald- 20 minute meeting between Apkan- remain confidential. There is and has wych Group have stated that they are Inwang and two Russell Group mem- always been an intention to publish “just happy that the [Russell Group’s] bers, one being Director Wendy Piatt. our submission and our final analysis report is going to be published and Talking to felix, Apkan-Inwang de- of the issues addressed in the submis- we will be able to see what they have scribed the discussions as “amicable sion,” she stated. to say.” and civil”. The Russell Group has taken up the Apkan-Inwang will now look to re- “I made the concerns of the Ald- option of confidentiality given by the view the Russell Group’s publication wych Group clear, and she [Wendy Review during the submission pro- next week and make contact with all Piatt] sympathised. The meeting was cess, but have stated that they would 20 offices of the student unions in about clarity and she gave assurances only exercise this option in accord- England as they pay “close attention” Aldwych Group Chair Emmanuel Apkan-Inwang with the protest letters to us that their submissions would be ance to their own investigations upon to the Russell Group’s next moves. addressed to two senior figures of the Russell Group

Why is this submission so important? Who are the Aldwych Group? “Students deserve The Russell Group is an organisation As Imperial College Union are to Imperial College, the that represents the 20 leading university Aldwych Group is to the Russell Group. It is the collection to know what administrations in England. These include of the 20 student unions whose universities are part of the is being said by Oxbridge as well as Imperial, LSE and Russell Group. Imperial College Union have been an active UCL. This means their report will hold member since its inception. an organisation plenty of influence in these early stages of representing our the Browne Review. Current chairman and LSE Union Education and Welfare universities” Officer, Emmanuel Apkan-Inwang said the Group’s job was The conflict between the Russell Group to “act and respond to the Russell Group accordingly, without and students arose when this report was kept confidential from causing wider effects like the National Union of Students.” students. Chair of the Aldwych Group, Emmanuel Apkan-Inwang They look to lobby for the “best outcome for [their] argued that e“students deserve to know what is being said by an members” in all decisions the Russell Group make. organisation representing our universities.” s

13 Labour years: The t

c Female fencers top of r i t o i

l good, the bad & the ugly

p the felixSports league o S Sport

P Politics See page 8 See page 31 felix FRIDAY 14 MAY 2010 5 [email protected] NEWS

Letters to Lord Browne’s the Editor Review on Higher Education Dear Editor, It is with great sadness, and shock, that I read Funding & of the passing away of Ms Sharine Brown, lately Head of Residences of the College. We did not Student Finance always see eye to eye - particularly when nego- tiating annual rent reviews. She was, nonethe- less, a strong champion for quality and choice n November 2009, then Minis- dent unions, think tanks and lobbying in student accommodation and a considerable ter of Business, Innovation and groups have been asked to submit their asset to the College. Whilst much attention Skills, Lord Mandelson ordered arguments on the issues being reviewed. an independent review on higher has been focussed on the high profile building I projects, Sharine quietly worked hard to ensure education funding and student * finance led by ex-BP Chief Executive, Rising fees? that the best was made of the crumbling facili- Lord Browne of Madingley. It has been reported that on the Re- ties whilst they awaited redevelopment. I always According to Lord Mandelson, the view’s recommendation, tuition fees recognised that no matter what problems arose, review will consider “balance of con- could rise by £1,000 a year from 2013. tributions to universities by taxpayers, This could eventually lead to students halls at Imperial College were generally better students, graduates and employers” to being charged £7,000 a year to attend an run than those at any other London university. University finances alongside the cur- average course at university. Most im- She will be a great loss to the student body and rent and future states of university tuition portantly for Imperial students, science deservedly missed. fees. degrees may cost up to £14,000 per year. The Conservative party, now in Gov- Under a free market system, universi- ernment, are also in on the review and ties will be able to charge the full cost of Yours faithfully, have agreed to consider the Review’s the course. The Review is also likely to findings accordingly, which are due to advise to Government to scrap subsidised Mustafa Arif be published this coming Autumn. loans, and allow students to pay national President 2003-2005, Imperial College Union A range of institutions, including stu- interest rates on money lent to them.

The world beyond College walls

North Korea China Egypt

orth Korea claimed that it succeeded in creat- he latest in a string of attacks on Chinese gypt’s parliament has extended the country’s state ing a “unique thermo-nuclear reaction device” schoolchildren happened Wednesday in central of emergency by two years. for large-scale energy production by nuclear Shaanxi province. The powers given to the government include ar- fusion. Seven students were murdered and at least rest without charge, limits on the right of assembly of NThe announcement by North Korean state media coincides groupsE greater than three in number, and limits on free speech. Ttwenty injured by a knife-wielding man in Nanzheng County. with the birthday of Kim Il-Sung, the country’s founder. This The killer, a 48-year-old man who owned the home where the The powers were first instituted in 1981 following the assina- day is known as the “Day of the Sun”; the country’s announce- tion of President Anwar el-Sadat. Unusual for the Egyptian school was located, killed himself directly afterwards. The at- government was its desire to explain its decision regarding the ment likened its fusion device to a “second sun”. According to tack is the sixth similar attack in China in the past eight weeks. the country’s state media, “The successful nuclear fusion in the extension as well as how it planned to limit their use. The gov- As many try to come to grips with reasons for why these attacks ernment promised to use the powers solely for counterterror- DPRK (North Korea) made a definite breakthrough towards the continue to occur, some experts are questioning the state of ism and against drug trafficking. In addition, the government development of new energy and opened up a new phase in the mental health care in China. Others have blamed the phenom- also announced that it would revoke powers allowing censor- nation’s development of the latest science and technology.” Ex- enon on the inability of citizens to air grievances against local ship and property confiscation. Despite these limitations of perts are taking the announcement with extreme skepticism and power, many Egyptians were unhappy with the announcement authorities and see some of the attacks as revengeful. Parents believe that North Korea likely conducted a small experiment if due to the fact that the state of emergency has been in place for there is any veracity to its claims: the majority of the country’s at many Chinese schools have stepped up security patrols in so long, as well as continued promises from the government nuclear program is based on Soviet technology from the 1950’s. response. that it would be removed. By Tom Greany 6 felix FRIDAY 14 MAY 2010 Comment Editor Charlotte Morris COMMENT [email protected] Alex Kendall wants you to test him. Go on. “Most students (and staff) are barely aware that a representation network in the Union exists”

epresentation may be the ion and College, and in Britain where interviewer says team-player but to you together. It is something we should be important, more of a CV-grabbing goal, most banal word used by our MPs and Councillors take our views and your course says failure, betrayal proud of. The body which first should where meetings to discuss the repre- the Union. Most students into account when making decisions (or and abuse of the system. Just something discuss and pass this policy is the Rep- sentation of some 14,000 students are a R (and staff) are barely aware are meant to), is accountability. With- else that makes us think the Union is resentation and Welfare Board (RWB). mere inconvenience. that a representation net- out some way to hold the elected to ineffectual. At the last meeting they took a second I genuinely believe there are students work in the Union exists, let alone how account, there can be no way the voter I don’t want to make out that I think look at the policy. Barely anyone at- who would be fantastic in every level of it can help them. It has the unfortu- can make a balanced judgement on who everyone who takes these positions does tended. Yes: what should be one of the what soon will be a revamped, rejuve- nate status of being seen as too boring will represent them faithfully. it for their CV; in most cases, people do most important committees passing nated, high profile and serious repre- to engage with and yet, in reality, it is Unfortunately, when people are raise issues to the staff and further up what will be the most seminal policy for sentation network, backed by policy. If too important to ignore. Representing elected for a year and then mostly move the representation network. Problems some time, affecting everyone at Impe- you have a problem, you will know ex- their members should be the primary on, there is little chance for a voter to also lie with getting staff to give feed- rial, was seemingly ignored. actly where to go. And your representa- function of all Unions. As much as we show their anger at the person’s con- back, and to take student representa- Why? Because there are no reper- tives will be accountable. like to get drunk in the bars, and join duct. Let’s face it, your Departmental tion seriously. But there is a problem. cussions, no accountability. The only I want everyone to know who has clubs, I believe the Union’s most im- Representative could get the position, Up until this year there has never been people who know about the absentees turned up for meetings and what is portant function it is to provide a voice never turn up to a single meeting, never a proper Representation Policy of the were at the meeting, or you if you read being discussed, and for it to be easily for each student and if necessary, de- pass on an email about bad coursework Union; this may seem strange, even ab- the minutes. This means that not only accessible, at all levels. This starts right fend them. marking or poor treatment of students, horrent, that we didn’t have guidelines do we have a system where people can now. The elections for many positions The key to any representative system, and you can’t do anything. He or she on how the system should operate. get away with not caring, but because on the RWB next year are happening like we have in the Union where stu- will sit in the job interview with that Luckily, Jon Silver, the Deputy Presi- of this, the positions themselves are now. Read the manifestos. Vote. And dents’ views can be delivered to the Un- little addition on their CV which to the dent of Education, has been putting it demeaned. This makes them seem less next year, test us. Phil Sandwell is in love with our old neigbour

“A room filled with more beautiful birds than you could ever hope to see at the Union.”

ery few things inspire an Down the hallway is a room of creatures look like expressing their feelings at be- a very swift lesson. scientific methods. Intended to give an innocent sense of won- that live on well past their best-before ing re-emboweled through their bottoms The (originally) inanimate exhibitions insight into the scientific discovery proc- der in me like the Natural dates, stuffed and preserved for eternity with formaldehyde and straw by tearing are often undeservingly overlooked. ess by having professional scientists on V History Museum. Despite in school-photograph-style awkward- the nearest little reprobate to ribbons. If Given that astronauts of Apollo 16 trav- display and ready to answer questions, I most of the visitors not ness. Amongst the mounted kangaroos only. elled to the Moon and back to collect it, I was impressed by its realism: visiting on being eight years old, the Diplodocus in and bats there are, so typically of the Nat- One of my favourite places in the Mu- feel that the Museum’s collection of rock a sunny Friday afternoon, I was met by the main hall still possesses the stopping ural History Museum, a few specimens seum is a room filled with more beautiful samples deserves better than a darkened understandably deserted desks. Although power to freeze people as if he had bent that pass under the radar of the crowds; birds than you could ever hope to see on corridor for a home. Likewise the Ruin I appreciate that the Museum is trying to down to introduce himself (his name discovering them made me feel like I one night at the Union. The Himalayan Marble, whose pattern uncannily re- teach the general public what happens be- is Dippy, if you were wondering, cour- was learning something completely new monal – a metallic green pheasant – puts sembles a decaying city, should honour hind the scenes, and as much fun as iden- tesy of Andrew Carnegie). Meanwhile about a very good friend. One example is the native fauna to shame, as it does the a plinth and not a porthole for convinc- tifying fly genitalia on futuristic, Minority the Ronson Gallery, identifiable by the the fantastically-named pink fairy arma- shabby-looking dodo replica seemingly put ing me that nature can imitate art. For Report-style screens was, I feel that they’re swarm of children gaggling towards it, dillo, with its especially armoured rear, together with a Pritt stick, some pigeons the only items I have ever truly consid- missing the point of why people visit. I go is the room that widens the eyes of the but looking down the corridor of glass and a Victorian taxidermist’s best wishes. ered stealing from a Museum, however, there to the Museum to wander around, generation who grew up with Jurassic cases gives a solemn impression. Gazing Further down is an entire case devoted head upstairs to the Vault. My inner press my nose against the glass and to be Park. If, unlike me, you can pass through into a leopard’s lifeless eyes as they stared to hundreds of hummingbird specimens, magpie replaced my generally intelligent impressed by what the Earth has man- it without a guilty mix of awe and fear at through me forlornly highlighted the fact confined to a life behind glass simply for musings with “ooh, shiny things…” as aged to produce over the past few billion how large and pointy life was 150 million that this animal died to educate a group of being very small and very pretty; this dis- I gawked my way around jewels mind- years. I don’t want to hear about research years ago then I pity the maturity of your snotty, gawping children. Standing inches play would have tugged at my heartstrings shatteringly out of my price range. And papers when I visit, I want to skim-read a inner child. Even the clunky automaton from one of the last remaining Tasmanian more only if it also featured a stuffed Lab- for fun, when I want to feel completely few sentences about where and when the Tyrannosaurus rex should raise the hairs tigers to live before its species was extin- rador puppy. These are in contrast to the insignificant and worthless, I look at Ankylosaurus in front of me lived and let on the back of a twenty-something-year- guished gave me pangs of responsibil- residents of the Large Mammals Hall, who the small vial at the back of the room my mind’s eye do the rest. The Natural old’s neck, in the same way a sense of ity, which were only accentuated when I qualify for admission by being relatively which is home to microscopic diamonds History Museum is the single greatest col- instant dread can be created by whisper- came to the polar bear further down the large mammals. Having the 10 ton skel- formed in the dust of a dying star. lection of inspiration in London, let alone ing “clever girl” into an unsuspecting ear. hall. Perhaps one day they might be to- eton of a blue whale above your head gives The big news at the Museum last within a five-minute walk of campus; put Unearthly guttural screaming and the gether in a case headed “Animals Incom- an appreciation that whales have no sense year was the opening of its new Dar- your pen down, leave your brain in the subsequent jumping onto your target are patible with the Human Race”. On the of retaliation: if I were their size, I would win Centre, an eight storey cocoon in library and come here to give your imagi- optional, but encouraged. other hand, some of the newer exhibits teach anyone who harpooned my buddies which visitors are meant to learn about nation a well-deserved workout. felix FRIDAY 14 MAY 2010 7 [email protected] COMMENT Tom Hills certainly doesn’t love Gilead Amit “Only bigots criticise others’ systems without recognising their virtues.”

’m sorry to hear that Gilead deride using long words? The electorate ing on the state of the country and its Like I mentioned before, there are the country. Amit isn’t convinced by the poli- knows of the system’s failings, but if, as society before they’ve even been voted many faults with the electoral system The British political and media es- tics in this country. I don’t think a country, we wish for electoral reform, in. This country has been democratic in the UK. For one, in Great Britain you tablishments aren’t blind to this and I anybody would think it particu- they will vote for a party, such as the Lib to varying degrees for centuries and I don’t have to show ID to vote (strangely, certainly don’t believe that the public larly rude of a foreign citizen Dems, who promise it. interpret the lack of extreme views in it’s required in Northern Ireland). Postal can’t think for themselves. If the public not to take an interest in our politics as Mr Amit, you mention insults on Fa- the three main parties as a sign that the votes have been bought and polling sta- couldn’t think and was homogenous, he may fear, but writing five columns cebook towards our politicians who British electorate thinks that this coun- tions closed with queues outside, and why would the government have intro- about the failings of British politics advocate change as “a disrespectful way try is working well and requires only a there is an overriding unfair advantage duced devolution? And since the UK is and elections without providing either to address…a politician”. To me, this be- little fine-tuning. Furthermore, the fact for Labour. I believe that we need elec- exposed to roughly the same newspa- constructive feedback or a balanced haviour seems quite healthy; politicians that the population of this country has toral reform but a blanket PR system pers, television channels and websites, argument is a different matter. are like Marmite and there are always had cries of “Change!” thrown at it from would remove many of the positive ec- why did the Conservatives gain so many I’d be the first to admit that our elec- going to be differences of opinion and every direction is, for me, a victory for centricities of having constituency MPs. seats around the UK, yet they lost share toral system has its downfalls, but it also no matter how well a politician runs a democracy in this country, rather than I propose a halfway-house, where larger of the vote in Scotland? It is impossible has a lot of positives too. Moreover, for country, there are always going to be an irritation. British citizens have been regions of the UK (such as Scotland, to put the UK’s 60m inhabitants in to a those who plan to spend the majority of people who speak out against him or provided with many sources of infor- Wales, the South-East, London etc.) well-defined box labelled ‘the general their lives in the UK, it is of great con- her, even if some of it is quite crude. I do mation and opinion that, hopefully, al- elect a certain number of MPs on a PR public’. sequence. I completely accept the right find it slightly hypocritical you can criti- lowed them to make an informed choice system, allowing voters to hold local The United Kingdom has had a long, to comment, but let him who is without cise those people whilst simultaneously last week. It shows passion and convic- MPs accountable whilst providing a sys- confusing and slightly eccentric history, sin cast the first stone. Show the British showing disrespect towards those same tion on the part of our politicians. This tem which creates a more representative and this is reflected across the country electorate, parliament and government politicians by implying that all they do is “sensationalist mess” may be boring for Parliament. in our streets, pubs, humour, values, a perfect democracy and we’ll fall for emit “copious doo-doo”. some, but it was necessary, in my opin- This country is diverse, with regional workplaces and in our electoral system, it, head over heels, I promise you! But, Change, and resistance to change, are ion, to ensure that the election reflected variations in history, geography and lan- which for all its faults has many posi- while that utopian system still eludes us, mainstays of democracy and even if the the beliefs of the British people. An elec- guage as well as politics. Harking from tive points. If people wish to criticise it, we’ve got to work with what we’ve got. UK’s main parties have similar policies tion without campaigning and calls for Yorkshire, I feel great regional pride and they may. But, as I’m sure Gordon would Is that really something to complain it is not fair to judge them, their lead- change would be a sad day for democ- anyone can see that these emotions of agree, only bigots criticise others’ sys- about using complex metaphors and to ers and their policies by commentat- racy anywhere. local belongingness are felt right across tems without recognising their virtues.

Steve Long wants to take the power back

“The current Inspiring the Best system is outdated and needs to be radically reformed. No government will give us this easily. ”

Are You...... ’ll try and keep this brief, not calling for the introduction of Single Under the current system it is pos- least because we’ve all got ex- Transferable Vote (STV). STV put sible to get an increase in votes (and • predicted to gain a 2:1 degree or better ams we should be studying for. simply is larger constituencies, with therefore popularity), but a decrease • ambitious, motivated to achieve and want to make a difference Also, I’m thinking most people multiple representatives in each, on in seats (and therefore power). That • in your penultimate year of study I • studying mathematics, science, engineering or technology are getting a little bored of the your ballot paper you rank the can- isn’t right, it isn’t democratic. The cur- election talk. I’ll tell you now that you didates in order of preference, some rent system is outdated and needs to might as well skip to the last sentence maths happens and you get a group of be radically reformed. No government What does the placement entail? for the key point of this article....The winners (like in the Union elections). will give us this easily. As I write this • receive a £800 tax free bursary for completing the 20 day placement big debate that is flying around at the Like I said, I won’t go into much more Cameron and Clegg are looking round • have evidence that you have demonstrated and developed a range of key transferable skills moment is reforming the electoral sys- detail here, have a look on the inter- their new address, deciding where to • have a CV apart from the rest and will be a strong selling point for prospective employers tem. My guess (and hope) is that you’ve net for a better explanation (try “John draw the line down the bedroom. They • engage with young people in their learning of their subject, sharing their knowledge and argued it through at your leisure and Cleese PR”). The key benefits are that are trying to fob us off with the Alter- enthusiasm, and inspiring them to aim to be the best they can; have more or less made up your mind it would take the voting power away native Vote system. This doesn’t go far • interact with the managers and senior members of the school staff and gain some on where you stand on the various dif- from the marginal seats and distribute enough and will not make a significant understanding of the issues and processes of managing a complex organisation such as a large secondary school; ferent systems available. Taking that as it more evenly around the population, difference. We, the people, need to de- • work in groups, to conduct a small-scale research enquiry that is intended to make a real and the case, I won’t go into huge detail try- that you have a better representation mand reform. Real reform. This is why lasting contribution to the school. ing to persuade you round to my view. of the views of the voters and that you I’m calling you all to join the demon- There are good points for and still have local MPs (albeit a bit less “lo- stration in Parliament Square at 2pm For more information or to apply contact: against all the different voting systems, cal”). It won’t solve all the problems in tomorrow (Saturday) to present our Sarah Cooper: [email protected] and there is clearly no single perfect the world, it does have its downsides demands, and make this government Tel: 01730 235683 Limited Places Available! system, such is life. However, there is as all things must, but the benefits are work for us. See www.takebackparlia- a large and increasingly vocal group greater and many more. ment.com for more details. 8 felix FRIDAY 14 MAY 2010 PPoliticsolitics Editors JamesJames Goldsack and JamesJames Lees POLITICS [email protected] Looking back over the Labour years

JJamesames LLeesees Politics Editor and then thrown at any given problem also under Labour that the Freedom it kind of had to. of information act was passed. This Labour spent a great deal on the has had a great impact on making ousseau once wrote ”The NHS and the improvements, espe- government more open and making English people believe it- cially in waiting times, have been government statistics, figures and self to be free; it is gravely dramatic: average waiting times have the rest available to a greater range of mistaken; it is free only fallen from nearly 18 weeks in 1997 people. during election of mem- to around 6 weeks today. Record Labour has also ushered in a great- Rbers of parliament; as soon as the numbers of NHS patients are satis- er social tolerance to Britain with members are elected, the people is fied with the quality of care they re- laws such as those allowing for civil enslaved; it is nothing. In the brief ceive, and the country has also seen a partnerships. moment of its freedom, the English fall in crime rates, especially in areas Perhaps one of the greatest achieve- people make such a use of that free- such as violent crime during Labour’s ments was to bring about the end of dom that it deserves to lose it”. tenure. years of violent trouble in Northern So with the one day of freedom we Labour also implemented the Sure Ireland. The Good Friday agreement had, in what will now be a fixed 4 Start programme which has been of 1998 and the 2007 deal between years, the outcome of that day was a given a resounding thumbs-up by unionists and republicans will hope- coalition government. Personally I’m new parents as an all round centre for fully bring about a lasting peace and pleased to see the coalition which is an end to the terrorist threat from at saying it will scrap the worse pledges least one area of the world. like raising the inheritance tax thresh- “A new dawn has New Labour also gave the go ahead old and most of the Lib Dem manifes- for the Scottish and Welsh assem- to, and is instead promising more sen- broken, has it not?” blies, both of which gave people a sible sugestions like scrapping income greater say over the governance of tax for the first £10,000 and most of their parts of Britain, and perhaps the Conservative manifesto. Tony Blair, May 1997 eventually should the people of those In about a month normal service countries so desire, independence. will resume and we can all get back to blaming the Government for every- early child development and support. thing. So rather than make wild pre- One of the first actions Gordon Gordon Brown remembers he has already sold the nation’s gold reserves. dictions about what the future may Brown took was to make the Bank of hold I’ve decided to take this oppor- England an independent body, a wise The Bad tunity to look back on the 13 years of decision that helped to keep interest without a jury- what had been a fun- moving the opressive regimes of the New Labour and see what went right rates low during the good times and However, this decentralisation of damental component of our judicial Taliban and Saddam was supposed to and what went wrong under some ri- aided efforts in stopping the reces- power from Westminster and White- system. make the world a safer place, and this diculously clichéd subtitles... sion becoming worse than it has been. hall has far from been the story of The Lisbon treaty paved the way for may still come to pass, but the effect The minimum wage was a Labour Labour. The past 13 years have seen a more powerful EU which in turn of the invasions so far has been quite creation as well, before its implemen- a massive accumulation of power at means a less powerful British parlia- the opposite. tation several captains of industry Whitehall into the hands of demo- ment. On this issue Labour had prom- The Iraq war was thought to be ille- The Good warned against it, but there will be cratically unaccountable civil serv- ised a referendum, though this never gal by many at the time, including ex- few people in the country who would ants and across the country into bu- happened and as a result the British UN Secretary General Koffi Annan. When Labour surged into power wish to see it abolished now. Had it reaucratic quangos. people had no say in the matter. Protesters gathered in their thou- in 1997 their campaign song was not been for this it is likely that the The result of this has been a series The majority of newly created sands against the invasion. Intelli- ‘Things can only get better’. Un- difference in wealth between the of top down targets being set with jobs in Britain over the past 13 years gence reports were far from convinc- doubtedly the country has improved very wealthiest and the very poorest little to no reform of the institutions have been in the bulging public sec- ing and in the end the sources came in many respects since then. Frankly, would be even larger than it is now. being run. One appalling outcome of tor, while this has been part of the down to mere rumours. Still that was with all the money that was borrowed In an unusually liberal move, it was this has been that while exam results force behind improvement in public not how Blair portrayed it and Britain have been steadily rising, the British services, it has not helped provide a was taken to war, following Bush. education has been falling in interna- route out of recession. At the begin- While Britain was fighting on two tional leagues. ning of the Labour era there were different fronts, expenditure on the Other cases of this poor system for roughly five million people living on armed forces barely grew. In fact running the public services have been benefits and there still are. Brown, after telling the nation and seen in almost all walks of life. Huge the House for months that spend- projects such as the national database The ugly “British jobs for “No return to Tory Until Bigotgate, Brown’s most famous Boom and Bust!” British people” phrase was that he had ended boom and bust. A claim that came back to Gordon Brown, Sept. 2000 bite him during the worst recession Gordon Brown, Sept. 2007 Britain, and the world at large, had seen in decades. Of course Gordon didn’t cause the ing had increased in real terms, was for the NHS has soaked up enormous recession, but his years of deregu- forced to eat his words and apologise. amounts of money with no gain at all. lating the city certainly didn’t help. In the end no government will ever In general the NHS has not improved Splitting up the responsibility for be perfect, that’s why we vote them as much as might have been hoped monitoring the banks between the out. considering the vast amounts of FSA, the Treasury and the Bank of New Labour had a significant and money poured into it. Workers in ser- England is thought to have slowed the likely long-lasting impact on Britain. vices such as the NHS and the police recognition of a problem and coordi- Many of their intentions were good have also complained the amount of nation of a solution. as indeed were many of their achieve- paperwork they are required to fill Dr. Brown’s apparent success as ments, but after 13 years they have in that feeds back into the Whitehall Chancellor was built almost entirely had there chance, at least until the bureaucracy machine. This is instead on unsustainable borrowing and his next General Election. of spending time providing care or selling of British gold reserves at a Watching the massively underhand catching criminals. very poor moment show that he was way the Lib Dems played their cards Under Labour we have seen an not some kind of financial wizard but this last week, I expect they will pull enormous repeal of civil liberties in a conjurer of cheap tricks., By cheap, I out of the coalition as soon as a ref- response to the rise of extremist Is- mean economy cripplingly expensive erendum on PR is passed causing the lamic terrorism. The scale of this re- tricks. collapse of the government at the im- ally has been repulsive, with, in my Labour’s most lasting legacy will be mediately following Queen’s speech Sometimes, a convincing finger point is all that’s needed to take a nation to war view, the worst act being to allow trial the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Re- or budget. Inspiring the Best

Are You...... • predicted to gain a 2:1 degree or better • ambitious, motivated to achieve and want to make a difference • in your penultimate year of study • studying mathematics, science, engineering or technology

What does the placement entail?

• receive a £800 tax free bursary for completing the 20 day placement • have evidence that you have demonstrated and developed a range of key transferable skills • have a CV apart from the rest and will be a strong selling point for prospective employers • engage with young people in their learning of their subject, sharing their knowledge and enthusiasm, and inspiring them to aim to be the best they can; • interact with the managers and senior members of the school staff and gain some understanding of the issues and processes of managing a complex organisation such as a large secondary school; • work in groups, to conduct a small-scale research enquiry that is intended to make a real and lasting contribution to the school.

For more information or to apply contact: Sarah Cooper: [email protected] Tel: 01730 235683 Limited Places Available! 10 felix FRIDAY 14 MAY 2010

Business Editor Sina AtaherianAtaherian BUSINESS [email protected] New government promises urgent cuts As the new Conservative-Liberal Democrat coalition government promises urgent spending cuts to reduce the deficit, Sina Ataherian reviews how the political events of the week may affect the British economy

New coalition Cabinet positions announced

ast Wednesday, the first of Mr Osborne will retain responsibil- the government’s cabinet ity for overseeing banks and financial positions began to be re- regulation. L vealed. The Liberal Demo- The next most important economic crats secured five cabinet job has gone to the Liberal Democrat’s posts and twenty ministerial jobs in Treasury spokesman. Vince Cable en- return for their participation in the tered parliament in 1997 after a career coalition. The top two economic roles in economics, having worked for the - Chancellor of the Exchequer and Kenyan government, the Common- Business Secretary - have been split wealth Secretary-General, and Royal between the two coalition partners. Dutch Shell. George Osborne will follow on from He ran unsuccessfully for parliament his role as Shadow Chancellor by be- three times in the 1980s and early coming the new Chancellor. 1990s as a Candidate on the leftist Having worked in the Conservative wing of the SDP, and later the Liberal Party for his entire career, Osborne be- Democrats following the merger of the came MP for Tatton in 2001. He was two parties. promoted to the Shadow Cabinet by However, in recent years he has been Michael Howard in 2004, and made considered to be on the right of the Shadow Chancellor in May 2005, at the Liberal Democrats, having influenced age of 34. Mr Osborne is a close friend their “Orange Book”, a pamphlet advo- and advisor to David Cameron, and the cating slightly more economically lib- two have been compared with Blair/ eral policies for the Liberal Democrats. Brown for sharing important roles in He gained respect for having warned transforming a major party. against the problems that could have Following the collapse of Northern arisen from the housing bubble and Rock and the start of the financial cri- excessive consumer debt, but was sis, Mr Osborne was instrumental in criticised for his inconsistency in the the Tories being the only major Brit- debates on solutions to the financial ish party to criticise the government’s crisis. For example, he embraced the interventionist policies such as bailing government’s quantitative easing pro- out the banks and printing significant- gram after criticising it and claiming ly more money. However, he backed that it was inspired by the “Robert down from these positions after free- Mugabe school of economics.” market solutions to the economic Despite personal disputes in the problems of 2008 and 2009 came to past - over both economic policy and be seen as unpopular with the British certain allegations against George Os- electorate. borne, over which Mr Cable filed a Although he was prominent in plan- formal complaint - the two will now ning the Tory election campaign and in have to work closely with Mr Cable in writing their manifesto, Mr Osborne order to deliver both party’s optimistic was largely kept away from the public election promises on the economy. Al- in the weeks preceding the elections though the Bank of England has been because of the perception of him be- seeing the green shoots for several ing too much of a lightweight for the month now, unemployment continues Top: David Cameron and Nick Clegg have agreed to form the first Conservative-Liberal coalition in parliamentary history office of the Exchequer. As Chancellor, to rise. Below: Osborne (right) will chair a new parliamentary committee on financial regulation, which will include Cable (left)

New coalition government’s economic priorities and reactions from the BoE and the FTSE

£6 billion of emergency cuts start paying income tax from £6,475 to King also noted that while the eco- FTSE reacts to coalition deal £10,000 pounds a year, although this nomic recovery may “gather strength,” The Conservatives have announced will be phased-in and not implement- risks “have increased somewhat, re- Last Wednesday the FTSE fluctuated that the new Chancellor George Os- ed immediately, as promised. flecting in particular heightened significantly as news of a new Con- borne will prepare an emergency The proposals will be funded by in- market concerns about the prospects servative-Liberal Democrat coalition budget within the next fifty days that creasing national insurance tax by one for fiscal consolidation in a range of coincided with fears about the Greek will include £6 billion of emergency per cent, increasing capital gains tax countries.” debt situation and its potential impact cuts, in a bid to reduce the deficit and from eighteen to forty per cent, and The comments came after the Gov- on the financial markets. increase confidence in the market for scrapping the Tories’ proposal to raise ernor released new quarterly figures “With the European problems likely British government bonds. the inheritance tax threshold to £1 on the economy. He predicted that the put on the back-burner for now we The cuts have been announced as million. economy will improve, achieving 3.5 should start to get a clearer picture of part of the power-sharing deal with percent annual growth by the begin- how the U.K. plans to tackle what is the Liberal Democrats. This will also King welcomes new agreements ning of 2012. He also predicted that expected to be one of the largest de- include a new tax on banks, a parlia- inflation will remain below the central veloped-market deficits in 2010,” Jim mentary commission to decide on Bank of England Governor Mervyn bank’s 2 per cent target. Reid, a strategist at Deutsche Bank, whether to force banks to divorce their King welcomed the new Conservative- The forecasts have not changed wrote in an e-mail to clients today. retail and investment operations, caps Liberal Democrat agreement to cut the much since the last quarterly results The FTSE has fallen 8.6 percent on bonuses as well as plans to increase deficit, saying, “the agreement I have were released in February, and are from this year’s peak amid concern business lending. been informed about that was reached based on the interest rate staying close that Greece’s debt crisis will spread. It The deal also accommodates a Liber- between Conservatives and Liberal to its record low of 0.5 percent this surged 5.2 percent on May 10 after the al Democrat election promise to raise Democrats is a very strong and power- year and reaching 1.7 percent by the European Union agreed to offer finan- the earnings threshold at which people ful agreement.” end of 2011. cial assistance worth 750 billion euros. BoE Governor Mervyn King felix FRIDAY 14 MAY 2010 11

Music Editors: Alexandra Ashford, Kadhim Shubber & Luke TurnerTurner MUSIC Online Editor: Christopher WalmsleyWalmsley [email protected] www.felixmusic.tk Rihanna’s Reign @ the O2 Mariam Zahedi isn’t revising. Instead she went to the O2 Arena to see pop’s other crazy- fashioned diva, with all the elaborate sets and aerial acrobatic displays money can buy.

ight now, the music in- rendously lacking in style and fashion, her set with the haunting Russian a neon cube for ‘Please Don’t Stop fun and the crowd was having fun dustry really is all about and, most importantly, you didn’t get a Roulette, the song showcased not the Music’, and the emotional bal- with her. This is one girl who defi- the girls. Whether you sense of who Rihanna is. Make no mis- only her vocal talents, but her love lads ‘Take a Bow’ and ‘Rehab’ where nitely deserves all the attention R love them or loathe them, take – this girl is not your typical pop of fashion too, with a black dress one look at her face clearly showed she’s getting. there’s no doubt that the princess, she’s wild, she’s dark, she’s covered in red flashing LED lights. exactly who she was singing these - Mariam Zahedi likes of Lady Gaga, Rihanna, Cheryl rebellious, and she does whatever the The set was comprised of all the songs about. Cole [Ed note: Cheryl Cole?] and co. hell she wants to and doesn’t give a toss big hits from her last two albums, Her costume changes ranged from are taking over. about what you think about it. as well as some of the lesser-known Lady Gaga-esque leotards to big RiRi has come a long way since she It may come as a surprise to those songs from her latest. statement shoulders, asymmetrical Rihanna first exploded onto the scene with Pon who have seen her live performanc- Memorable moments included body suits to gem studded FMBs, O2 Arena de Replay in 2005. Only 17 at the time, es on YouTube, but not only can Ri- her performance of ‘Hard’ on top and her on-stage dancing and gen- 11th May the song showcased none of her pow- hanna sing in tune, her voice is also of a neon pink army tank, the mini- eral behavior was at all times en- ★★★★★ erful vocal skills, the video was hor- compelling and powerful. Starting rave she and her dancers had inside thralling – she was clearly having

THE DEAD Competition Don’t know WEATHER SEA OF COWARDS Time! what to listen EMI ALBUM Win 2x to while Jack White takes more of a back- seat than ever before, bringing Ali- revising? Read son Mosshart to the helm of this tickets to see spooky yet sultry blues outfit. The album kicks off with “Blue Blood this week’s Blues”; with bass stomping all over it Yeasayer & and Fertita’s guitar shrieking in dis- reviews... cordant yelps. WTF ‘shake your hips Silver Columns like battleships’ means I’m not quite qualified to say, all I know is, it moves my bones. “Hustle and Cuss” sees playing on the KEANE/K’NAAN STOP FOR A them slip into a more chilled groove MINUTE akin to 70’s soul band Funkadelic, 19th May UNIVERSAL which contrasts with the twisting Topman Ctrl are throwing free tickets at Yeasayer describe themselves as “Middle SINGLE snake-like “The Difference Between us to give to you for this show, so we’re Eastern-psych-pop-snap-gospel” but ac- Us” driven by Fertita’s Hammond running a mini-competition for them, just tually they’re an experimental indie band (venue to be I thought I hated this song and then organ and Lawrence’s bassline. It’s email us at [email protected] with from Brooklyn, New York. They released it got stuck in my head and now it is notable that this album is a more the answer to this question: their debut album All Hour Cymbals in announced) growing on me. Completely unlike collaborative effort than their first 2007 and this year they released their anything they have done before, it still album, with White restricted to the follow-up, Odd Blood. has the distinctive piano riffs but with odd burst of showmanship, like his In the wonderfully weird video the added hip-hop vibe. It is definitely distinctive guitar solo on “Gasoline”. for “Ambling Alp”, what object Silver Columns are a home-grown duo The Topman Ctrl tour involves different more accessible than their previous ef- Whilst several tracks feel unrefined Channel 4 presenters hosting different are all the naked people at the playing synth-pop folktronica rock forts and is very radio-friendly... AND and in need of trimming, the overall bands in different cities. Nick Grimshaw my burlesque teachers are in the vid- result is impressive, and serious ku- end running towards? techno (that’s journalist words for don’t- is the presenter hosting this show. Now eo! Ha. dos to them for finishing on a jaunty know-how-to-describe-them) that may- I don’t know who that is but then I don’t - Emily Beech graveyard theme. - Tom Jennings First person to email us with the correct be sounds a bit like Hot Chip, maybe even own a TV. Or a laptop. I can’t even watch answer gets two free tickets. Easy. better? iPlayer! Sad times. 12 felix FRIDAY 14 MAY 2010 Film Editor Ed Knock FILM [email protected] A comedy about Jihadist terrorists? Chris Morris is back

comic writers of all time, Chris Mor- Chris Morris Omar (Riz Ahmed) struggles to keep a Four Lions ris. The presence of the Morris on our cool head around his band of deluded screens has been sadly missed since Greatest Hits brothers especially his lieutenant Barry Director Chris Morris the glory days of Brass Eye, the satiri- (Nigel Lindsay); a white convert to Islam Screenwriter Chris Morris cal show mocking sensational news who seems only interested in destroy- Cast Riz Ahmed, Arsher Ali, Nigel which pushed the boundaries of taste ing mosques to inspire the ‘moderates’ Lindsay, Kayvan Novak to new heights. But Morris is back and to rise up. The lions are completed by his new film is certainly not lacking Fessal (a timid individual whose bril- any of the controversy that made him liant ideas include strapping bombs EEdd KKnocknock Film Editor a household name. The Day Today to crows) and the innocent Hassan A comedy about the pursuits of a and Waj who appear to be completely group of home-grown Jihadists from unaware of why they are planning the “Cake is a made up drug”, Bernard Sheffield plotting a terrorist attack on massacres of their fellow countrymen. Manning famously declared with ut- Britain sounds like the perfect recipe The brilliance of Four Lions revolves most sincerity on Brass Eye, “One poor to cause offense but Four Lions cleverly around the fact that its protagonists lassie cried all the water out of her circumnavigates any Islamaphobia. appear to be completely ignorant of body, just think how her mother feels. The film’s protagonists are idiots, con- the religion they are fighting a Holy It’s a f**king disgrace”. Manning was fused between the anti-Western rheto- War in the name of. The terrorists just one of the many celebrity causali- ric they gleefully spout and the joys Brass Eye are not shifty looking, “durka durka” ties tricked into endorsing ridiculous of British culture they unintentionally shouting stereotypes but your aver- campaigns by the most controversial enjoy. The sanest member of the group age man on the street. They under- take their activities with all the bum- bling diligence of Dad’s Army. Let’s not forget now that Four Lions is a comedy and so the question begs - is it funny? Hell yeah, Chris Morris has certainly not lost his touch and dollops plenty of comic brilliance into the film. Four Lions is hilarious and unset- tling at the same time. Your sym- My one problem with Four Lions is (cont.) pathies towards the men conflict that the Jihadists’ motives are never with natural repulsion at the terrible really explained. Omar watches the atrocities they are trying to commit. bloopers of his martyr videos whilst As the film reached its climax I un- his loving wife hugs his shoulders. consiously found myself willing Omar Why does he seem to enjoy a secular Jam and the boys to succeed before recoil- lifestyle when he is determined to pun- ing in uneasy horror at my thoughts. ish us ‘unbelieving kafir b**tards’? Al- The script bounces between well though the irony is probably deliberate aimed shots at the contradictions of to point fun at the ridiculousness of re- extremism and moments of surreal ex- ligious fanaticism, I found I could not cellence. Omar explaining his predica- fully identify with the protagonists and ment to his son by substituting himself therefore the emotional impact of the for Simba and Osama Bin Laden for Mu- ending was weakened. However, Four fasa is a highlight. A fieldtrip to a Tali- Lions is still a fantastic dark comedy but My Wrongs ban training camp in Pakistan results then I expected nothing less from Mor- 8245–8249 in pure slapstick involving a bazooka. r i s .

Centurion delivers enough thrills and bloody violence

captured. So now it’s up to the surviv-surviv- tot expect anything but. epic-wannabe lines to churn out. Centurion ing Quintus Dias (Michael Fassbender)ender) MarshallM also makes the wise de- Kurylenko, although having absolutely The Legend Director Neil Marshall and a handful of soldiers (only seveneven of cisioncis of including some tense, cat- no dialogue, compensates for this with of the 9th Screenwriter Christian Colson them in total) to rescue him fromom the and-mouseana situations whenever he her deadly, piercing looks, an appear- Legion Cast Michael Fassbender vengeful Picts. The seven braveve men ffeels like he has had enough of the ance that practically screams ferocity. must also be incredibly weary of the swords, spears and axes clash- Oddly, a romantic subplot develops, The 9th legion band of Pict hunters led by the ruth-ruth- ing. The chases are hardly original, and no, it’s not between the male sol- has become JJohnohn PParkark less Etain (Olga Kurylenko) whoo is butb the rapid editing and fast pace diers. A random, helpful, innocent- part of British out for some more Roman blood.d. mmove the film along so quickly that looking woman turns up out of the mythology, As can be expected, the actionn is iit’s hard to care. As the characters blue, suddenly having a major part to they Centurion may be a lot of things, but literally non-stop and the characterscters spspring, so does the audience. Because play. The film quickly shifts its tone participated boring is certainly not one of them. barely have the chance to get a word off this general rushed atmosphere, and decelerates. Frustrating, and per- in Claudius’ The brief running time of 97 minutes is in. A lot of the script is quite expect-expect- sosomem plot details are lost in the process haps a tad unnecessary but we all knew invasion. Their hardly challenging to sit through, even edly filled with constant screamingeaming bubut again, it’s easy to just forget about this couldn’t be 100% pure action. The last record less so, when it is filled with brutal, but it’s hard to complain whilstilst so ththeme and get caught up in this high- introduction of this character opens record in the raw, medieval action that comes with much gritty action is taking place.ce. The eenergy,n adrenaline-pumping ride. up the possibility of the film reach- country was the ferocious looking warriors. In A.D. fight sequences are relatively creativereative TThe faultless casting is also some- ing a horrific conclusion and surprise, building the 117, the Roman Empire is facing diffi- throughout and they never becomeome tthinghi that adds to the film’s enjoy- surprise, this actually happens. Shame, culties as it tries to expand its territory too repetitive. The scale of theseese mement factor. The range of more than since the rest has been such an effec- fortress of to northern Britain. The Picts are giv- combats can never be too big,ig, aadequated British and Irish talent that tive guilty-pleasure. Eboracum, ing the Romans hell with their endless since the number of soldiers iincludesnc Fassbender, Liam Cunning- Though the plot and character have now York. guerrilla tactics that have managed to we’re dealing with is limited, haham, David Morrissey, Noel Clarke not time to develop fully, “Centurion” However most slaughter thousands of soldiers. The and the director knows that. Neilil aandn Riz Ahmed form a reliable, steady satisfyingly delivers what is promised historians Romans have had enough, and they or- Marshall knows the limits and nevernever ggroup,ro interacting convincingly with to: 90 minutes of hardly uninterrupted, agree that the der the legendary Ninth Legion to wipe tries to be too ambitious. Hee playsplays eeachac other. Fassbender is fantastic as hardcore action. If you’re a non-action legion wasn’t out the Picts once and for all. But after within the set boundaries and never tthehe leader, showing both the strength fan, this is clearly not for you, if not, as exterminated an ambush on unfamiliar ground, not overextends himself to create some- aandn vulnerability of his character flaw- long as you can be patient during the in Scotland. only does most of the Legion perish, thing he cannot control. The actionction is llessly.es West, the macho general is also awkward romantic moments, the film General Virilus (Dominic West) is also always bloody and it would be wrong wewell-cast, despite having some cheesy, will prove to be tremendously fun. felix FRIDAY 14 MAY 2010 13 [email protected] FILM The most controversial movies ever With the recent release of Four Lions causing the raising of eyebrows amongst the more politically sensitive of our nation, Film Editor Ed Knock presents the various films that have courted outrage over the last century.

The Life of Bryan The Exorcist Freaks Monty Python couldn’t The Exorcist contains enough blasphemy Freaks was critically panned believe their luck when to put the even the least pious priest intoo and caused so much distress Life of Bryan kicked off a catatonic state for years. Apparently to its audiences that it was a s**t-storm with the this film gave my mother nightmares almost forgotten about until Church. Whilst the film for a month. However, I found it scarily resurfacing as a cult classic doesn’t contain much direct hilarious. Mary Whitehouse was out in viewed at midnight blasphemy, it certainly is full force during the screenings offering screenings. It was heretical by lampooning religious counselling to the victims of infamous for the Christians as blind followers it’s audience. Why is it so offensive? A use of real side- of anything. Many twelve year old girl doing unpleasant show ‘freak’ conservative councils felt the things with a crucifix and her privates actors . need to ban it for years. and the infamous head spinning scene.

A Clockwork Orange The Texas Chainsaw Salo or the 120 Days

In my opinion A Clockwork Orange is Massacre of Sodom the most perfectly directed film of all This film re-invented the Banned in the UK until 2000, this film time by the master of cinema Stanley horror genre and it’s is the definition of the word ‘nasty’. Kubrick. Malcolm McDowell played audience were witness Set in the facist sate of Salo in Italy the leader of his gang of ‘Droogs’ to the brutal antics of 1940, a group of high raning officials with utmost glee as they engaged in ‘leather face’ and his kidnap eighteen young men and women ultraviolence and raped. Banned in family of murderous and force them into a world of sado- Britain at the request of the director. inbreds. The onscreen machoism and coprophagia. Based violence was taken to a partly on Dante’s Inferno and the new level but the film was Marquis de Sade’s book of the same never banned in the UK. title, many felt that this was a snuff movie dressed up as an art film.

Cannibal Holocaust The Passion of the The Birth of a Nation I couldn’t find a picture for this film Christ This film is incredibly which I was sure wouldn’t make important in cinema history someone vomit on sight. The visceral The furore surrounding Mel Gibson’s as it was the first real horrors in Cannibal Holocaust were account of Jesus Christ’s apparent final feature length film to use so horrible that it’s director Ruggero day is best demonstrated by the South all the techniques that Deodato was arrested on suspicion of Park episode The Passion of the Jew. The are normal today such as murder. The documentary style of the original passion plays were performed multiple shots in a scene. It’s film convinced some people that it was to incite anti-Semitism and so it was no a big shame then that the a real snuff movie. Ruggero managed to surprise that this film got critisised for plot is about Klu Klax Klan prove his actors were still in the land of the same reason. The ‘good’ Jews look putting them pesky ex-slaves the living but his film faced international American and the ‘bad’ Jews look evil, back in their place after the censorship instead. make your own mind up. American Civil War. Photograph of the Week ‘Squirrell’ by Slobodan Radosavljevic “The squirrels in the Royal Parks are anything but shy - they’ve been known to go into people’s pockets in search of treats. This one was lured in using a peanut husk, then papped and left feeling rather cheated as it skulked away” Think you’ve got something better? [email protected] felix FRIDAY 14 MAY 2010 15

TTextext iinn ttoo 0783267047207832670472 CAT-NIP EEmailmail inin atat [email protected]@imperial.ac.uk TTweetweet @felixcatnip@felixcatnip

CAT GOT YOUR TONGUE? So What Does The THE NEW GOVERNMENT: Summer Term Hold? There will be revision and sleep. Though I’m not too sure DAVE NEW WORLD OR CONDEM-ED? about the latter. JOKES, LETTERS, OPINIONS  WE WANT THEM ALL! Third Year Physicist Summer was invented especially to add insult to the intense Email: [email protected] Text: 07832670472 agony that is my 25-hour-a-day revision schedule. Second Year Mathematics Student

Facebook: Felix Fan Page Twitter: @felixcatnip I’ve got some serious revision do, sure. But it’s not all bad. The Library does hot food (most of the time) and there are sinks in the toilets for personal hygiene. And Molecular Biology of the Cell makes a very acceptable pillow. The Library is practically a palace. It’s my home away from home. Second Year Biologist Drunken-mate photo of the week Aw, it’s gonna be sweet. Barbacues, Pimms on the Queen’s Lawn, sunning myself in Hyde Park. Living it large in London without a care in the world! What’s that? Exams?! Shit!! First Year Chemist Got a picture of your mate being A small issue with the Queen’s Tower an absolute waste have recently noticed that the Queen’s Tower is not very tall. I have always been ever so impressed with it, look- of oxygen? Well, ing up and thinking, “Golly, it really is quite tall.” And it’s been there right back to when I was a fresher, and prob- Iably even before that. But then I looked up again last week and get your camera maybe I’ve got taller but suddenly it looked like “a Lilliputian little shrimpy stubby weeny whelk thing on a massive lobster and the lobster is Imperial” as Shakespeare once said. out and email your Imperial College, the best university in the entire universe (except for Cocksbridgeford Agricultural College in Whoca- resshire) (and we should know, eh?), has a tower only about drunken-mate fi fty-fi ve times taller than the incredibly short Dan Wan. If it’s our phallic symbol then we ought to be thinking of tudor codpieces. All I’ll say is bigger equals better. Forget spending photos to catnip. money on dBs; use it on this. It’s too short for our high sta- tus, and should be put on top of Blackett, preferably with the aforementioned editor, haha. I say the campaign starts here. [email protected] Who’s with me?! Revision is dull but it doesn’t haven’t to be. Here are some Chemistry Yours in fellowship, lads who stumbled upon an alternative way to revise covalent bonding. Magnus Winklefi lch (Aero) Senders must have permission to use submitted photos and accept full responsibility for them Catnip: We happen to think that Editor is a towering giant of a man. No, really, he is! Remember, keep sending stuff in and see your name in ink!

Showdown! FOIL vs. LOIL Do we “Love Our Imperial Lives” or do they fail hard? You decide! Having active competitions in Robot Unicorn Attack when I originally planned on revising – and I’m not even good at it! Verdict: FOIL Running naked in Prince’s Gardens at 4 am. Verdict: LOIL If you google exam stress , Imperial College will be at the top of the list! haha, hilarious. Verdict: FOIL This’ll be the only time in my life I can afford to live in SW7. Verdict: LOIL “Working” around midnight in the Library, surrounded by chinese people playing WOW and talking chinese. Joy. Verdict: FOIL There were two girls getting off with each other at the Union. Verdict: Undecided...LOIL? Riding on the Fire Engine to Sainsburys when you can’t be arsed to walk! Verdict: LOIL It was a tight race but LOIL just clinched it this week. What do you think? Is Imperial an academic haven or a socially-inept hell? Both?! Let the Cat know! Imperial’s arts magazine is rising from the ashes...

Phoenix, Imperial’s historic arts Phoenix needs student contributions. If you’re feeling magazine, returns in its original the strains of science or just enjoy being creative, send form as an annual this year. It was in your poetry, fiction, photography and artwork to created in 1904 by Imperial alumnus [email protected] by Friday 21st May. and famous author, H.G. Wells . Phoenix 2010 due out June 2010. felix FRIDAY 14 MAY 2010 17 [email protected] FASHION A Perfume Love Affair Election Are we buying a fragrance or a dream? Asks Kawai Wong Drama efore all sorts of raff- of a fashion magazine, how many ish perfume began to spokeswomen gaze back at you seduc- KKawaiawai WWongong Fashion Editor invade the perfumery tively in skimpy clothing? How many counter, they were elix- touch their lips with their mouths B irs exquisitely crafted by open? How many are accompanied by perfumiers. A century a sexy young man? Are they youthful ’m sorry that David she blends in with the ago, they began blending the most ex- or are they successful career women? Cameron is the new kids-from-the-blocks by otic floral and wood extracts from all More so than ever, we are also buy- Prime Minister. donning a pair of bling over the world - Reunion Island, Cor- ing a lifestyle indicator. The arbitrary I’m even sorrier loop earrings. If Carine sica and India... symbolism of perfume aside, how do I that Nick Clegg Roitfeld cares to flick Traditionally perceived as the fi- you tell apart a woman who wears Jo has taken through the Brit- nal element of an outfit, Guerlain’s Malone or Jordan? the arbitrary title of ish newspapers, she Mitsouko or Chanel No.5 are worn Unfortunately, much to the dis- ‘Deputy Prime Min- may choke on her and not gaudily sprayed. To piece may of the perfumiers that created ister’. Not that there’s morning espresso. together a Balenciaga cocktail dress the scents, blindfold an amateur afi- anything political Andrew Marr and a set of Bvlgari jewelry, a per- cionado and most won’t be able to about felix fashion. once complained fume has to be worn to capture the But what with the about the lack of ef- missing je ne sais quoi. Chanel’s par- obsession with the fort demonstrated fumeur Jacques Polge hits the nail “When a woman political wives, we by the new breed on the head: ‘The aesthetic is lacking can only brace of media people. something important when there’s disappears, what ourselves for some I now understand no perfume.’ months of over-cov- why: comfortably sat Since day one, a perfume has been that is left of her erage regarding mater- in their air-conditioned serving more purposes than a mere nity wear and worse – a office, who is willing intangible accessory. You’re also buy- is her smell” year of baby clothes. to set foot in the pol- ing a dream that perfume makers Such was the frenzy luted and congested real sell. The latest Chanel No. 5 short pinpoint the exact brand somebody at the newspapers and world in search of real film, featuring Audrey Tatou is one is wearing. It proves the point that fashion magazines: my stories when a potential of these glamourous dreams. Audrey perfumes are so much more than the colleague at the Tel- ‘story’ is only a phone call sleeps on the Oriental Express, the brand sticker or the price tag. Expen- egraph spent a good 5 and one PR away? perfume bottle catches the light of sive as Victoria’s Secret scent may be, hours, post-election day, The million dollar ques- dawn and casts a scintillating shad- Febreze probably does a better job at phoning all the press tion is: have we run out ow in her wood-panel cabin. When freshening. contacts out there, fran- of fashion stories? Or is she meets a hand- It is palpable that we need to look tically in search of the red it simply that the fashion editors some young man, the beyond the veil that a pale and erotic The first fragrance created by Coco patchwork dress that Miriam Clegg – are too traumatised after the bazil- scent that emanates Sophie Dahl casts on a branded fra- Chanel, No.5. The latest of the film/TV or Miriam Gonzalez Durantez as she lion fashion shows they feel obliged from her is what cap- grance. We know that it is a mam- advert starred Audrey Tatou. prefers to be known - wore on elec- to attend each year, that they fail to tured his curios- moth task to sequester a scrupulous tion day. Well done on Melanie’s part, fathom the energy to march out of the ity. ‘When a woman scent from the squallion offerings on we now know that the dress is from security gates on Fleet Street? If this disappears, what the perfumery counter. The compiled feel enamoured with. But never deny a Chiswick eco-boutique, from a la- is the case, Cathy Horyn of the New that is left of her list here is the least effort felix can do a novel and exotic combination. But if bel called From Somewhere and costs York Times should probably zip her is her smell’, such to guide you through the search. a perfume stinks, ‘It is a disaster when £225. And now…? lips over the free Dolce and Gabbana is Jacques Polge’s Keep an open mind when it comes you turn on the light’, says Jean-Paul I curse the day when Michelle fur airmailed to BryanBoy. At least aphorism. to choosing a perfume. The classic Guerlain. A signature scent is always Obama became a style crush. Because he is ACTIVELY working it (whether Unfold the pages floral and citrus fragrant are easy to worth the leg work. of her, Britain suddenly feels the com- or not we like BryanBoy’s unabashed pelling need to propel our leader’s seeking, ‘how I wish it’s a DSLR (cam- wife into fashion stardom too. But we era) but I can’t afford one, hu hu hu’ won’t settle for just one icon. We need is another story). Summer Scents New Scents Classic Scents three. Alexa Chung, Olivia Palermo, Dita Fed up with the constant pestering Von Teese, the Olsen Twins, Ece Su- Dirt by Demeter Fragrance Acqua de Gioia by Giorgio Paris by Balenciaga wears like from the national press, Sarah Brown kan, Chloe Sevigny, Joan Burstein… Library is unusual to say the Armani is a feminine a French woman. It has the now prepares a sheet detailing each They all style themselves without the least. Dirt is by no means a fragrance crafted by sophistry of magnetism in the and every piece of her clothing items, need of a stylist and hence should gimmick, it does smell of a L’Oreal’s Luxury Products form of a musky base, and a ready to be sent at the expense of a classify as bona fide style crushes. baby like soft-core powdery damp dewy morning. Think Division. It smells of a media phone call. And once the info So why, when there are enough style scent that is ever presence arrives at any fashion desk, words are crushes to fill the pages for at least 10 of a breezy meadow when still shallow sea that is throughout the lifespan of to be said about her gnarly toes pro- weeks, our national press chooses to the fog is just about disperse. not too far away from application. Very demure, truding from a pair of red wedges. focus on the lot who purchase M&S While other perfume smells the shore. This scent is this is the type of fragrance Miriam Gonzalez. She can’t even be cashmere cardigans? of fresh blossom, think of inspired by rainwater as that sinks into the background and bothered to contain her chesty pups Not putting a halt on this sheepish this as a the whip of fresh air above a well as terrestrial elements. The heart you forget about having worn any. on election day. Any grown woman style of reporting will only result in grassy/earthy pitch. Affordable, 30ml of the fragrance is water jasmine, should realise the importance of a set grave calamity. Mothercare has the is available at £13.98 from fragranceX. mint and italian lemon. Wear with one of good lingerie. Any person, having potential to become the new Topshop com. Wear with a cropped t-shirt and piece beige lace dresses. Hits stores Bas de Soie is a new eau de been under 40 years of gravity and with the arrival of another cargo pants. in June. parfum by Serge Lutens. three labours (not Camer- Think a wild meadow filled governments) later, on. Get with blossoms by a running should realise very an- Dream is a member White Tie and Tiara by Jo stream. A squirt of the clear the need of un- orexic, of the Incanto Malone. This limited edition liquid delivers an elegant whiff derwired bras. girls. series by Salvatore fragrance will be available of hyacinth, iris and grass As for Sam Ferragamo. The in June. Each purchase will flowers. Cam, I have support Jo Malone’s pledge jaunty creation is like a child licking a cunning of £150,000 to the Elton John Special No. 127 by Floris smells suspicion a lollipop in an amusement park. AIDS Foundation. This girly, like the bass tone in an opera, the that she Smells colourful and sweet, it also sweet and summery scent contains cologne’s base note is wants to reminds me of freshly washed hair. bergamot, tangerine, lime, hyacinth a masculine blend of help fix The perfume has amazing staying and musk. Mixing and matching with musk and patchouli. her hus- power, it smells consistently lovely other Jo Malone fragrance will The manly notes band’s and sweet throughout the day. create your own bespoke signature are balanced by the ‘broken Buy online for around £25/100mL scent. Jo Malone has a counter at mellow rose and Britain’. Harrods. lavender. To do so, Metric Stage THE NOISETTES PLAN B TINIE TEMPAH Quad Marquee JO WHILEY Dance Arena SCRATCH PERVERTS BREAKAGE STAMINA MC

Plus For Diners FUNFAIR & FIREWORKS CHAMPAGNE RECEPTION FESTIVAL-STYLE STAGE FOUR-COURSE MEAL AFTERPARTY FROM 4AM AFTER-DINNER COMEDY

For more information and to buy tickets: Summer Ball Prize Draw! Purchase your ticket before 23:59 on 21 May for your chance to win one of these great prizes!

5 2 3 Bottles of Ipod £10 Drinks Champagne Nanos Vouchers

ENTS DINNER £45 £90 imperialcollegeunion.org/ball 20 felix FRIDAY 14 MAY 2010 CLUBS & Clubs & Socs Editor Alex Kendall  SOCIETIES [email protected] ICU Dance Company compete on tour Pernelle Nunez describes the trip to Loughborough and Edinburgh, in which the club gained impressive results

onths of training, re- hearsing and organ- ising paid off for ICU M Dance Company af- ter they had a highly successful haul of awards following two inter-university dance competitions at the end of February. The first of which was Loughborough University’s Dance Competition. The day began with one of the hardest challenges of all – as- sembling 21 sleepy dancers outside the union at 5am but after a couple of jump-out-of-bed phone calls, two dancer-filled union minibuses headed up the M1 to Loughborough. The first piece by the company (choreographed by Valentina Caorsi) was in the Advanced Contemporary category. A hard-hitting, technically strong piece with contemporary dance in its purest form lost out in a category which offered a diverse range of inter- pretations of “contemporary dance”. Dance-Off along with the four other pieces. The Beginners Tap piece was a pol- Release your arty side in Phoenix ished, energetic routine which won 3rd ‘A tango-inspired, Place in its category controversially losing out to some not-so-beginner here are quite a few perks energy fuelled rou- tappers from Sunderland. The con- of being at an institute at tine ... 1st Place.’ troversy continued in the tap category Imperial. Yes, this is a top- with the stylish, Fosse-inspired routine T ten internationally ranked by the Advanced Tap dancers coming institution. Yes, that is a 2nd, losing out to an a capella piece by Lamborghini garage down the road The Beginners Ballet (choreo- Newcastle making it the second year and yes, those women walking up and graphed by Soraia Pimenta and Per- running an a capella piece has won. down Cromwell Road are wearing the nelle Nunez) took to the stage next with This time the Contemporary piece equivalent of a small fortune. However, a classical piece executed to perfec- fared better with the judges awarding with every upside comes a downside tion. Their performance earned them 2nd Place while the Advanced Ballet and though it’s not exactly cataclysmic a thoroughly deserved 2nd Place. This piece was again placed 1st in its cat- in comparison to the relative benefits was followed by the Advanced Ballet egory. The Beginners Ballet piece was offered, there is a downside to being piece (choreographed by Soraia Pi- placed 2nd losing out to a piece by at a college so single-minded in its menta and Pernelle Nunez) which had Sunderland University which included pursuit of scientific and technological high expectations due to the strength intermediate and advanced dancers. nirvana. of the advanced ballet team this year. A All controversy aside, some excel- And if you’re the artsy type or to any tango-inspired, energy fuelled routine lent results for the club and these were degree that way inclined, you’re sure showcased the abilities of the dancers topped off with an individual Best to feel it. Not in a tortuous and quite who walked away with a well deserved Dancer award for one of the club’s unnecessarily gratuitous fashion such 1st Place. To add the cherry on top, the freshers, Francesca Boughey who piece also won for Best Choreography danced in the Advanced Ballet, Con- out of all the pieces in the competition. temporary and Jazz pieces. ‘Write when the inspiration The final piece at Loughborough After the results were announced, H. G Wells, author of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy,initiated Phoenix was a cheeky, super-speed Advanced over a hundred hungry dancers cha- takes you - in the middle of Jazz routine (choreographed by Elisa otically attempted to get their hands the night, in the shower, on Bellomo) that faced stiff competition on the after party buffet. Following Originally founded in 1904 as the col- Get in touch with us for potential ideas against 17 other universities in a cat- the feeding frenzy the IC dancers re- the bus or under starlight.’ lege’s arts magazine by H.G.Wells - yes, for sections, editorials or design. We egory that always delivers pieces of a treated to a booth where the drinking the guy who penned War of the Worlds are always looking for new contribu- high calibre. games began and elegant, once- com- and The Time Machine - its presence tors and potential editors and chances After success at Loughborough, the posed dancers were transformed into as, say, something you would see in the has fluctuated until a couple of years are, if you pitch it to us and you’ve club was highly excited for a dance- bunnies and farm animals that had to Saw series or even any film containing ago when a couple of overambitious thought about it, we’ll probably con- filled weekend away in Edinburgh. know their four-times-tables. A fabu- Jason Schwartzman. The relative quiet Cardiovascular Science undergrads sider it. This time the club’s tap dancers led lous competition season ended with of the college’s arts scene and lack of had a conversation on a bus down the Speaking of which, now that there is by choreographer Georgina Stroud a cocktail, tequila and champagne diversity in the general student popu- Shepherds Bush Road and decided it more than one editor, Phoenix should also attended Edinburgh University’s fuelled night of more dancing! lace is understandable given its focus would be a great idea to resurrect it. be a very special thing indeed. on science, but those of you who loved The basic idea is to take the creative Whereas before, it would be mostly your arts subjects at school may find work of the student body - that means one person putting in 32 hours over that part of yourselves undernour- you, arty types - and to pick the best for the last two days running to print ished as time passes. A reality is that inclusion in a sumptuously designed deadline whilst simultaneously being Your Club or Society Here. most people will be wonderful but are extravaganza of literature and art pub- shafted by the latter stages of Under- Description of your awesome trip or event here. not going to feel as passionately as you lished next month. Anything will be grad Medicine, now with three highly about art house cinema, interesting considered - collages, drawings and passionate, intelligent and talented co- There are 296 clubs and societies at Imperial. Want new music scenes sprouting up around paintings (even your A-Level work), editors on board, Phoenix should be a the capital or that an international photography, poetry and short sto- work of art in itself come the end of the your club to be in felix? literary legend is coming to town to ries, flash-fiction, screenplays, haiku, year. So get your creative juices flow- Send us a description of a trip, event, tour or social give a reading. For some, this will be original designs or ideas for articles on ing and send us over your ideas and a largely ignored itch that occasion- something you particularly feel pas- submissions - we can’t wait to see what with some good pictures and everyone will know ally needs scratching. Others will re- sionate about. you come up with. DP about it. sign themselves to turning to external Write when the inspiration takes sources to find their fix. you - in the middle of the night, in the Submissions to phoenix@imperial. This is where Phoenix comes in. shower, on the bus or under starlight. ac.uk by 21st May 2010. felix FRIDAY 14 MAY 2010 21 What’s on... Clubs & Societies Calendar Editor – Ziggi Szafranski

[email protected]

Tues 18th May To Do.... 1) Say hello to everyone...Hello! Lendvai String Trio - Lunchime Concert – 13:00 - 13:45 2) Send in your events!! This page only –LT1, Wolfson Education Centre, Hammer- works if you actually send me things! smith Campus Email your events to: – First come first served! [email protected] – Programme to include a new work by Ce- (Club name & event, time, place, price, cilia McDowall pics...) by end of Tues 18th May

3) Did I mention to send in your Weds 19th May events?! DramSoc Summer Workshop – 2 - 4pm in Activity Space 2 – Free to everyone this term – Say goodbye to the drab world for two beautiful thespian hours. Com- Thurs 20th May edy, Impro, games and scripts. Every- one welcome, even if you’ve never set Banking and Finance Careers Fair foot on greasepaint! – 17:00 - 19:30pm – Senior Common Room, Sherfield – Another exciting careers fair to pass the time away, this time about Banking and Finance. This is for everyone, from 1st year Undergrad to final year PHDs so if you’re interested, why not pop along? There may even be freebies! YOURWe knowEVENT it’s HERE!exam season, Do you but SOMEONEwant more MUST people BE DOINGat your SOMETHING! event? Well TELL Want more people at your event? ADVERTISE IT HERE!

US ABOUT IT!

Anything else?.... For those of you who noticed our love- ly banner last week, its effectiveness was somewhat less than we hoped, so this week the jaunty angle has been jauntily altered...did you notice?

Really?! Oh...you were just pulling my leg...well if you want to say sorry you could always send me your events? :) 22 felix FRIDAY 14 MAY 2010

TTechnologyechnology Editor SamuelSamuel Gibbs TECHNOLOGY [email protected] World Cup fever hits the Compact and humble iPod speaker-dock interchangeable Samuel Gibbs reviews the little ball that wants to rock your iPod SamuelSamuel GGibbsibbs Technology Editor

he World Cup is on its way, keekeep it nice and stable on a flat surface. nly six weeks left ‘til the least one new offering from everyone’s about a month away now and The bottom panel on the front houses summer break. Whether favourite fruity company. T everyone with a product to the mi-football’s IR receiver and LED O this means you’re finally We’ve got a whole raft of new cam- sell is jumping on the foot-oot- indindicator to keep you abreast of what’s free of Imperial’s clutches eras to test including the Sony NEX5, ball bandwagon. We’ve got shirts, flags,ags, haphappening, plus a duct for the sub, hid- or just on remand, everyone’s looking which might be the answer to all your footballs and even Pringles trying to get den in the black. Underneath there’s a forward to a bit of sun (hopefully) and ‘I don’t want to carry a beast, but I do a slice of World Cup fever. It’ll comeme socsocket for the power adapter, a 3.5mm a break. From iPod docks to phones, want amazing pictures’ needs. as no surprise that electronics manu-nu- socsocket for auxiliary audio and a switch from cameras to tablets, tech doesn’t Of course football is also on the facturers are also trying to get in on to tturn off the mi-football, as well as stop when summer begins. agenda, but it’s pretty low-tech for the the marketing buzz; the World Cupp is the perforated speaker grill of the sub. We’ve got quite a few things to look most part. All you need is a ball, some a brilliant motivator to get people intonto OOverall, the mi-football is any- forward to in the tech-o-sphere this posts and a pitch. But this year, players stores and buying nice new large screeneen thinthing but sleek, but it is a grower. The summer. First and foremost we’ve got such as Messi and Defoe will be sport- HDTVs. Even the Chinese electronicsnics lonlonger you look at it, the more attrac- the unveiling and release of a brand ing the lightest boots ever, made from industry recognises the potential mar- tive it seems, but it’s certainly one for spanking new iPhone. OK, it’s still a single layer of polyurethane. No pad- ket the World Cup provides, whichh is foofootball fans, or someone looking for only rumoured, but if the stars align, ding means they’re faster turning and why we’ve been sent the Lanchiya mi-i- sosomething cute. I’m pretty sure you’re going to find at lighter. Just don’t get stamped on eh? football for review. That’s the design, but what’s it OK, I know what you’re thinking: like to use? Well the mi-football ‘Lanchiya, who?’ To be honest, I’d is a ‘Made for iPod’ device mean- never heard of them before, but ing that it has access to the iPod a quick Google shows you they play controls using the touch you want an instant loud blast of mu- for the best part of £50 (£49.99 best make a few different iPod docks sensitive buttons and the iPod sic, but if you’re looking for something price at the time of print), it’s not bad under the brand Speakal. You’ll menu system using the included a little quieter or just want to charge at all. For the price, it’s got punchy, get no prizes then for guessing that card remote. The remote has up your iPod or iPhone, it’s extremely an- if not deep bass, relatively well de- that’s exactly what the mi-footballl aand down buttons, a menu button noying. To make matters worse when fined highs with a decent mid-range. is, as the name might suggest: a pow-w- anand an enter button for navigating you do want to turn it down quickly, These speaker docks are often meas- ered iPod speaker dock in the shapee of throthrough the various iPod menus. Vol- the touch sensitive buttons that ring ured by their ‘room filling sound’, and a football. The mi-football or miSoccerccer umume, track skip, play/pause, a mute the front of the iPod slot aren’t all that the mi-football certainly has enough as it’s known in the US, fits into a rangenge butbutton and a standby button are also responsive. In fact if you don’t put power and volume to fill a room. Its that comprises of the iPig, the iPanda,da, incincluded, along with treble and bass enough of your finger on the button it sub moves an impressive amount of the iBoo (think a Pacman ghost) andnd adjadjustment for fine-tuning the speak- doesn’t register the input at all, leading air through its channelled duct at the the iPom, all featuring similar riffs on er’er’s performance and an AUX button to frustrated stabbing at buttons whilst front, which can be felt blasting out in the ball shaped powered iPod speakerker for alternative audio input. Overall, trying to shut the thing up. It’s a shame operation and it shows in the loudness docks. opeoperating the iPod or iPhone through Lanchiya didn’t make a better job of that the little ball is capable of. Even at the mi-football is fine, a little frus- honing the button sensitivity or just high amplitude, the speakers in the mi- trattrating using buttons on the remote used physical buttons, but making sure football do an admirable job with little Design rather than a scroll wheel or kinetic you use your thumb or a large finger to no distortion. There are a few cave- ball, which itself is available in white scrolling but as good as it’s going to touch gets the job done in the end. ats however, mainly that the bass and On first impressions, it’s not immedi- and black or white and blue colour get using a remote without a screen. treble adjustments that Lanchiya has ately apparent what the mi-football’s schemes. The white panels themselves Of course, to see what’s happening given you on the remote do very little, function is. It has a slot in the top that are begging to have your favourite on the iPod you’re going to have to be Sound and the stereo separation of the small takes the universal dock adapters for clubs crest stuck on them, be it Eng- within touching distance of the thing, closely packed speakers is pretty poor, your iPod, a few logos for the touch- land for the World Cup or Arsenal if which to my mind slightly defeats the OK, so it works fine for the most part, but considering it’s size and compact sensitive control buttons on the top you’re a Gunners fan. point of having menu controls on the but it’s a speaker dock, so last but frame it’s not much to quibble about. and comes with a little card remote; remote. Another small annoyance probably most importantly, how does Can you get better sounding iPod but the actual speakers and sub are about the mi-football when it comes it sound? Quite good is the short an- docks? Yes of course, but the mi-foot- hidden inside the ball. The sub, which Function to actual functionality is that when you swer. Of course it’s not going to win ball holds it’s own in the budget price vents directly down is heard but not stick your iPod in the dock it instantly any medals for sound quality and it range and at £50 it might be just the seen, whilst the two stereo speakers The ball is suspended off the deck by starts playing at a default volume that falls a fair bit short of the impressive bit of football tech you need to see you are hidden in the dark panelling of the four small legs with rubber pads that you can’t set yourself. That’s great if and expensive Bose SoundDock, but through the World Cup.

Weekly Wrap-up:pp A qquick guide to the best of the rest you might have missed drops the video down to a still go. Great for the commute into wasn’t always guaranteed. those iPhone 3G users hanging SamuelSamuel GGibbsibbs Tech. Editor respectable 720p/30fps. Avail- work. Apple also took a blow from on ‘til June/July. able from next month, if you’re Apple’s not had a great week another next-gen iPhone proto- If you’re sick of your lap- Another week’s done and dust- after a bit more DSLR in your this week. First NPD announc- type going missing and turning top and you can’t stand the ed leaving only six weeks left ‘til compact camera then maybe es that Google’s Android has up in the hands of the Vietnam- thought of a tablet, good news! the summer break, so let’s get one of these beauties will suit. bumped iPhone OS from the ese. Slight differences were no- The Asus EeeKeyboard is now into it, shall we? Ever fancied designing your- number two smartphone spot ticeable between this one and available for pre-order! Pack- Sony turned a few heads this self a nuclear reactor but don’t under RIM’s Blackberry OS. Of the Gizmodo-acquired one, ing netbook internals into just week with the unveiling of their know where to start? Got an course Apple wasn’t having any namely the two screws from a keyboard with a screen, it’s much anticipated ‘ultra-com- iPhone or iPad? Well it’s your of it and hit back with an IDC the bottom of the device were yours for $599. pact’ DSLRs, the NEX3 and lucky day because just like report that said, worldwide, now hidden. A teardowndown NEX5. The tiny camera bodies 1080i1080i everything else, there’s an app the iPhone dominates 16.1% of the device also sporting massive DSLR lenses moviemovie for that. Nuclear boffins from of the smartphone market ‘far showed the prototype make the current crop of Mi- mode with an University of Utah have turned outselling Android’. Regardless to be packing an Ap- cro Four Thirds snappers look articu- lating 7.5cm LCD for to the Apple iDevices using of where you look however, it’s ple A4 chip, the same positively porky whilst sporting looking at your glorious picto- a freely available app called clear that Android is indeed one that powers the Sony’s current E-mount lenses. rial creations, the NEX5 brings ImageVis3D to display reactor gaining traction in the smart- blisteringly fast iPad. Packing a 14.2MP sensor, lots to the party. The NEX3 models and simulations on the phone space, something that Good news for all felix FRIDAY 14 MAY 2010 23

(We’ve(We’vvee gonegoonne greengrgreeeen forffor GreenGreen Week,Week, HangmanPuttingPunuttingg thethe cat outouout toto drydryry notnonot tththataatt wewe weren’twew ren’t greengrg een before...)bbefore...) [email protected] FAS* BIRD AND FAT SNAKE The Nation’s favourite Children’s story. It’s got a snake with hair TTWATTERWATTER Cameron_DA_Maneron!!! Guys u need to come to my new house! Just bought new cinema system for xbox. I’m gona fill the hot tub with coke as well :D The_Cleggomatortrontown <3 Cammy just checked ur public expenses and u’ve already spent well over two mil! Hope u put it towards the NHS and not ur coke bath :p Cameron_DA_Maneron!!! Cleggman I thought we agreed that ur in charge of fixin the economy and I’m in charge of the taxes. Don’t ruin my dreams of a coke bath >:( This is FAS bird. His mum was a This is Fat Snake. He’s a snake, but he’s This week FAS bird is trying to revise drunken meth addict who died giv- really fat! He wants to be a metal rock for his quantum physics exam, but he Barack_attack_l33thaxor ing birth to his deformed head. What god, but can’t play guitar because he has an under-developed brain so he’s Cammy hav u seen dat facebook event for ur a hilarious, yet touching back story. doesn’t have any hands. Silly Fat Snake really stupid. HAHAHAHAHAHAH. house party? It’s well gay. Ne1 hu joins it is well gay. They’ve said I’m djing - just coz I’m blak. SexyOsama69 Nah Osie, ur good at playin bass and basket- ball, not DJing. Got ur stereotypes wrong. Is the group ment to be funny? Facebook is so lame

*FAS - Fetal Alcohol Syndrome :)

‘HAHAHAAHAHA. You’re so stupid FAS bird’, This made FAS bird sad, so one fine dreary evening he threw himself laughed Fat Snake, despite being stupidly fat. off a bridge. Fat Snake never made it as a metal rock god. The End.

angman has always maintained a bitter-sweet relationship with the social networking site, Facebook, but is curious to know what you HOW TO LOSE FRIENDS, BUT WIN AN ARGUMENT H think? Sure it’s useful for keeping in touch with your friends you see and speak to every day, but what about those cringe-worthy statuses that make you want to murder a kitten? And has it reached the point where any e have had to en- So how do you win? How do you power down that bureaucratic android? passing thought already has it’s own facebook group along with 50,000 members? dure our fair share of Now I know that many of you will be periodically checking your facebook home W mind-numbingly dull STEP 1 - SHAKE YOUR HEAD in disagreement. It doesn’t matter if you don’t page every two minutes, so why not make something productive of your addic- debates over the last understand what he/she/actually probably just he is saying, because he doesn’t tion and send Hangman a few screen shots. Here’s what I’m looking for: few weeks, but not just from the poli- either. Just make sure you establish your objections. Once he sees you doing this, ticians. No, as an Imperial student, he’ll become angry and will start throwing statistics and numbers at you. Don’t 1 - THE WORST STATUS - Send em in, (doesn’t have to be a screen shot) you are subscribed to an irrevocable be fazed, politicians use statistics like a fucking grenade launcher, only grenades but you need to need to provide a name to check for legitimacy, although names spamming of useless information are real and statistics aren’t. won’t be printed. It needs to be a rage inducing citation, even if it’s just two about the running of our government words; they’re often the worst; ‘LUCY JONES is hoping...’ What are you hoping from that smug student in the lecture STEP 2 - Intermittently LAUGH at something he says. It doesn’t matter what you for Lucy? Why does everyone need to know that you’re hoping? Your ambivalent theatre reading the Financial Times. laugh at, but avoid phrases starting with ‘a black man from Shropshire told me’ or status is either just there to annoy people or you’re hoping that someone will Now I like to think that I’m moder- ‘a dying cancer patient asked me’ actually reply and ask you to elaborate. Either way it makes you a twat! Platitudes, ately intelligent, at the very least sen- flippant remarks or just plain stupid comments- name and shame. You’re failing tient, but these people, wait no, these STEP 3 - INTERJECT. Nothing aggravates the debater more than constantly go- exams so take it out on someone else! It’s the right thing to do robots can suddenly make me feel like ing ‘but’ at everything they say. They won’t let you get further than ‘but’, which I dropped out of primary school to fol- is great because you don’t actually have anything to argue back with, you’re just 2 - THE WORST GROUP - This will be a tough competition as there are too low a career in dribbling. inching them closer to that inevitable aneurysm. many to count. Most groups annoy me so you need to find the most infuriat- They ask you what you think of the ing waste of web space out there. Remember that smallmall African childrenchc ildren are economic climate and you foolishly STEP 4 - KILL THEM with words and numbers. Political arguments might as working twelve hour days to provide you with these Face-ace- reply, ‘I don’t care’. Suddenly their well just be a fight between Wikipedia and Britannica; it’s just facts versus facts book groups so bring them to justice! I WISH FEEL- eyes glow red and their automated and the one with the most facts win (reliability of facts doesn’t matter.) When INGS HAD A OFF SWITCH!!! (That’s what you’ree response to political ignorance goes you finally get the chance to make your case, the only path to victory is nonsense. contending with) into overdrive; ‘You don’t care!? bleep Just make up words like ‘taxify’ or ‘monetarian’ and then incorporate them into bleep bleep fiscal deficit bleep bleep your own made up government policies like ‘the bush fund administration for The winners will receive the coveted HANGMAN public spending...’. You just sit there counter-parts of the civil gold alliance’. Combine these with made-up statistics MYSTERY PRIZE! DON’T MISS OUT! YOU WILL RE-- and fidget uncomfortably as you’re like ‘the National horsing tax has gone down by 0.8%’ and your opponent won’t GRET IT! NOW GO AND STAB YOUR FRIENDS IN THEE bombarded to death by money words. stand a chance. The smaller the percentage, the scarier it sounds (to a politician). BACK :D Email [email protected] 24 felix FRIDAY 14 MAY 2010

CCoffeeoffee BBreakreak EditorEditor CCharlieharlie MMurdochurdoch mmmm COFFEE mm..... BREAK [email protected]

The Felix University/ College-Wide Invitational Shite all has FUCWIT Tournament League is League Table new and improved, with an iPod nano for both the happened Teams:Teams: team and the individual with the most points at Harry Potter Trio 251 Points the end of the year. CharlieChar Murdoch Coffee Break Editor The Tough Brets 148 Points 5 points for the 1st cor- rect answers for all puz- The Cool Kids and Fergal 40 Points zles on these pages, 4 veryone has been talking that back... is that some down with the points for 2nd, 3 points about exams, politics and ash, kids Parliamentary banter? Fuck the Individuals:Individuals: for 3rd, 2 points for E all dispersed with a little whin- kids! Now it’s come back to slap you in 4th and 1 point for 5th. ing, that to be brutally hon- the face like a massive lubricated horse Matthew Colvin 214 Points Now then FUCWITs, an- est, after a while interests me about as cock. (Yeah, I just wanted to print ‘lu- Sheryl 195 Points swers to sudoku.felix@ much as room temperature butter, i.e. bricated horse cock.’) Now even if he imperial.ac.uk. Go! not much. Now don’t get me wrong, did think that it was a good banterish Kelvin Wong 121 Points I love a good moan about all the shit joke, which Dave, it wasn’t, he obvi- that’s going down in the world, but re- ously thought that it was a good idea GLT 101 Points ally ash just reminds me of dead people. at the time. Fine, maybe it was a good Louise Parchson 78 Points So I am focusing on the better parts of idea, but you can walk down the street life at the moment... and a quick scan wearing nothing but a thong. It’s legal, Flavia Tang 44 Points of the horizon results in nothing. Yes, but that don’t make is a good fucking Absolute Cunt 33 Points nothing that exciting is happening. idea now does it? New Well, I got a nice fruit yoghurt with ex- If you want lengthened, and pos- Bethan Matthews 33 Points tra fruit from the SCR for breakfast to- sibly more accurate rendition of this Dr Science! 30 Points day. Made the mistake of taking extra, week’s political news, I suggest look- Fuller or what I thought was extra, pineapple. ing elsewhere. That’s all I have on that Jeff Wu 28 Points Turned out that it was in fact grape- subject. Moving on, I have developed The Three Kings 25 Points fruit. I fucking hate grapefruit. That is a penchant for poorly generated flash Individual a fruit that God let through the net, I games. I sit there, crunched over the Sophie Lambrakis 17 Points cannae see how people enjoy that. It’s screen, closed to the world trying as enjoyable as eating bitumen. desperately to get past level five on Team Dirty Medics 16 Points List Well, now that I’ve bored you to the Bouncing Balls. And those of you who Herens Thibaut 12 Points wall with that little antidote, I may try just saw ‘balls’ and laughed, grow the to actually fill this space with some- fuck up. This apparently is what Gor- Giramondo 10 Points YES!!! thing worth reading. However don’t den Brown is planning on spending Mark Mearing-Smith 10 Points hold your breath. Apparently David his free time doing now, although with Cameron when once asked his favour- only one eye I can’t imagine him being Zoe Dobell 10 Points ite joke replied ‘Nick Clegg’. Whoa! Roll a threat to your top score.

Music Quote Bob Seger: “Dreams die hard and we watch them erode, but we cannot be denied the fire inside.” of the Week Arrow Maze 1,461 Wordpath 1,461

ORIGIN: Solution 1460 Solution 1460 1 2200 2211 1 2 3 1188 1616 1177 1919 PUNCH        PUNCH ? ? ? ? ? via 3399 1414 5 3344 3333 1155 4343 [some steps]        DESTINATION: 6 FIGHT 1133 2424 2277 4411 7 2266 4242       1122 2323 2222 3355 6 3377 4444 9 1133 3322     FIGHT 2288 2121 2299 3300 3131 4455 2020 What the fuck? This        How to play: is possible, but there 4400 8 4 3366 4646 4477 4848       were no solutions last 1111 2525 9 1100 3232 3388 4949 Make a path from the origin word to the destination week, thus I declare     word by taking steps between words using one of the it a rollover (and so 4400 4444 three following methods: worth double points). Congratulations to Ian ‘come here If you really can’t little girl’ Fulton andAli ‘vote Nazi’ Letter Substitution: Substitute just one letter. do it, just send in a 3355 Philpott who were last’s weeks e.g. WORDS -> WARDS memorable story and winners. Boys, I know you love me Anagram: Rearrange the letters. if it makes me laugh and these puzzles, but you spent about e.g. WORDS -> SWORD I’ll give you points. If 1188 4499 three hours trying to compete this Wordslide: Replace the current word with a new 5 letter it doesn’t I won’t. Its puzzle. Well done, you managed it, but word from any 6+ letter word that contains them both. quite simple really. on the other hand don’t you have an e.g. WORDS-> CROSS (via CROSSWORDS) How to play: exam to revise for? Fill all the squares with numbers to form a path from 1 to 49, such that the arrow On a different note, Ail has a bang No consecutive steps may be made by the same method. Scribble box under each number points to the square containing the number one greater tidy sister, seriously Ali, she got all the e.g. WORDS -> WARDS (by LS) -> WARES (by LS) (except for 49 obviously, which has no arrow, being the end of the path). looks in your family. would be invalid. As always we can put a guest puzzle Hints: in, so if you fancy your name in print 26 is pointed to by three arrows but only one of them is pointing only at 26, so drop us an email at sudoku.felix@im- Points are awarded for the earliest SHORTEST valid path this square must be 25. The square immediately right of 4 is only pointing to one perial.ac.uk between the two words. Dubious words will be checked square so can temporarily be labelled ‘A’ and the square it’s pointing to can be [Include a puzzle with your email or against the OED. Send your solutions to sudoku.felix@ labelled ‘A+1’. Now we no longer consider ‘A+1’ as a destination for other arrows. we won’t bother with the ink.] imperial.ac.uk. felix FRIDAY 14 MAY 2010 25 [email protected] COFFEE BREAK Nonolink 1,461 Bridges 1,461

2 2 3 2 2 1 3 2 2 1 4 4 How to play: 2 2 3 3 3 1 2 1 2 3 3 2 3 2 2 2 1 2 2 Connect all the 2 2 1 1 1 1 1 1 2 3 3 ‘islands’ together by 2 1 3 3 2 3 2 1 6 1 1 1 1 3 2 2 4 6 3 bridges running in 3 2 2 2 1 2 1 1 1 2 2 1 7 2 403 direct lines, North, 1 3 3 1 2 2 5 2 West, East and South only, with no more 4 6 2 than two bridges 1 2 2 1 connecting any two 3 6 6 2 distinct islands. Every island must 3 1 1 4 6 4 have a total number of bridges from it 4 3 1 equal to the number 1 3 1 1 on the island and 2 bridges must not 5 1 cross islands, one 3 3 4 2 3 another or lead to nowhere! 2 2 1 1 1 1 1 7 4 6 3 1 1 4 1 1 3 1 2 1 1 3 5 2 2 1 1 1 Solution 1460 3 2 1 The winner of last week’s foray into bridges and shit was Kelvin Wong so well done to you and all that 2 3 2 jazz. 1 4 4 2 2 1 3 2 1 Please keep these answers coming in as it makes 4 4 2 3 us feel loved and like we aren’t wasting our time. I know we are and I would much rather be playing flash games and pretending to revise but this will 3 3 1 3 Yeah. Not too many entries last week, but we did get a few. So well done to Kelvin Wong. As it’s suffice for a bit, So yeah, answers are pretty key to 4 6 5 exam time all puzzles from next week will score DOUBLE POINTS or any number of points making this feature work. 1 3 2 that I can be arsed to give away. Deal with it. 3 6 4 2 1 5 3 1 2 Solution 1460 If you would like to design a puzzle and see it 2 3 3 How to play: printed in felix but don’t want to do one every 3 1 week, just send us your ideas to the usual place - 4 6 1 The numbers at the side represent the size and 3 [email protected] and if we like them 2 2 1 1 2 4 1 2 3 order of blocks in each column and row. There 3 1 2 111 1 1 we’ll print them! must be at least one space between each block. 3 2 Then insert the numbers from the box in the top 321202 left corner into the unshaded cells and proceed 1 as for a normal ‘Slitherlink’: 2 2 It’s revision fodder: All numbered cells must be surrounded by the 1232 311 corresponding number of edges. The solution consists of one continuous line. Any cells without 3 112 2 3 1 1 a number can have any number of edges. 2 3 See last issue’s solution (right) for more help. 1 1 122 1 Send your solutions to us at sudoku.felix@ 3 3 3 3 imperial.ac.uk

“You wer e in the SAF other day talking to a ginger guy. You seemed quite close, so I didn’t want to interupt. I guess I can now. Can I borrow your APP notes for retakes?” LC xxs “The lanky one in physics. You have those glasses that go dark indoors. Im a big stevie wonder fan.” B

“Dear hot second year chemist, please notice me? I know we could be good together if you just gave me the chance. I feel like felix one half if a sponge cake. Me, you, jam and some buttercream might make the prefect combination? LLoveovestruckstruck Harry Bunting

07726 799 424 Only at Imperial would someone do this. Only at Imperial would we all find this a little bit funny. Loving our Imperial lives indeed. 26 felix FRIDAY14 MAY 2010 COFFEE BREAK [email protected] A quickie (crossword) 1,461

1 2 2 3 4 4 5 5 6 6 7 ACROSS 7 7 Weatherman (13) 17 “Santé!” (6) 8 Hairless lout (8) 18 Cow-tit (5) Solution 1460 8 10 9 Lugs (4) 21 Typical porcine retort (4) 10 Strikes (like a geezer?) (7) C L P C T A 8 10 9 12 With a drug habit (5) S A D O M A S O C H I S M 14 Crap instant potato-stuff (5) Winner: ??? - don’t have a winner N O R O O K 16 Injure from 10, maybe dealt by for this one either it seems. THIS IS B E E F C A K E M O F O 12 A B E A O a 8 (7) BALLSHIT. I am offering 20 points B U M H O L E U S E R S 19 Mega-reptile - Questionable for a correct answer next week. Yeah N E M I 10 11 12 rubber sandal (4) you heard, 20 shitting points. No that’s E S S E X M U T A N T S 20 The most punchable PM as of what I call music. I think i read that O X W R P 15 14 13 17 yet (1., 7) somewhere. F I S H A N D C H I P S 22 Butterfingered (8-5) L U S E I I Crossword by Peter Logg H E R M A P H R O D I T E 14 16 15 17 DOWN D E S S S A A

20 18 21 22 1 Magistrate/Teacher (slang.) - Avian-nose (4) Scribble box 19 20 21 2 Dog house (6) 3 Second guess (3-4) 4 Bobbies (5) 24 24 25 5 Ugly bird (6) 6 Thongs (1-7) 22 11 Global military escalation - Speeding limbs? (4,4) 26 13 Those with blue blood (7) 15 Illegitimate day-off (6)

Horo-elopes: Horoscopes, but running off to Jamaica 28 pages only this week? Pathetic. Is that all you can do, Mr. Editor? Oh, it is? Fair enough then

Aquarius Taurus Leo Scorpio

Get your growler, Well, there you go. This week you’re This week you’re trying get your growler, It’s out. Everyone can fucking your girlfriend to grind through the get your growler see it. There you are, like some kind of last hour of your exam. out for the lads!  standing on the Un-  superman and then  Unfortunately your  Inside, outside, ion tables, knickers she comes all over body has different ideas. upside to the hizzle. round your ankles. your cock and screams Your chest convulses GROWL-GROWL-GROWL-GROWL- Everyone’s silent and staring. The stench is waft- your name, disturbing the valium addicted and you suddenly throw up over your exam paper; GROWL-GROWL-GROWL-GROWL- ing across the bar. People are leaving the room. grandmother across the road. She’s practically blotchy, blood-stained gruel swamping your work. GROWL-GROWL-GROWL-GROWL- This is awkward. What kind of girl gets their bits worshipping your cock. The next day you write The invigilator tells you to stop distracting every- GROWL-GROW-GROWL-GROWL-GROW- out on a Wednesday night? I’m a Tuesday and a horoscope that 99.9% of Imperial students are one. You wipe your table clean with your sleeve and GROW- GET YOUR GROWLER OUT! Sunday girl, personally. unlikely to relate to... continue, the paper is soggy, your degree is fucked..

Pisces Gemini Virgo Sagittarius

It’s Friday? Surely a Bad news chumbo. Your Don’t you just think OI YOU. YEH, YOU. good thing? Nope, parents have woken up pigoens are the FRESHER-GIRL! Who not for you. You’ve to a headless son. Looks most disgusting do you think you are, got to head home like your Dad’s optimis- animals on our fair reading the horoscopes  as your parents  tic attempts at lifting planet when you and laughing? I don’t say they miss you. 35kg on the bench press see them pecking need anybody’s laughter, Maybe they’re being sincere. Maybe they’ve paid off in all the wrong ways. ‘Manslaughter!’ your at last night’s vomit? Well, you shouldn’t be least bit yours. Why don’t you go back to your turned your room back into your room. brother shouts. Your parents get the Fairy liquid because last night, you were Pingo the Pigoen; dirty room that smells of semen and learn your 21 Nope, they’ve still done the cliched thing and out and scrub-dubba-dub your blood out of the the super-pigoen with a strong penchant for amino acids PROPERLY. I don’t need your pity. turned into into a home gym. You go to sleep carpet. Your mum points out your head’s just the your mates’ regurgitations. You’re an internet You think you’re so cool, laughing at a borderline with a 30kg weight hanging above your head... right size for a tea cosy. A leathery, humany cosy. phenomonen. GRATZ. sociopath, don’t you? You’re not. Piss off.

Aries Cancer Libra Capricorn

Why has no one Rumours are This horoscope is Yeh, it’s nice around reported me to the circulating that neither fun or funny. here, actually. Our authorities, yet? You’ve the Union is about Still reading? What punters are all good all been reading the to be subject to a about now? Even, lads. All into their writings of a man that  bomb threat. The now? What if I change football, as you can clearly has only etch- same pocket of language? see. Good result on ings of his sanity left. It’s been nearly five years Taliban extremists that targetted Times Square Saturday eh? You into football, then? Yeh, yeh, I’ve been doing this, and still no one cares. This are moving onto their next big target: Beit まだ読んでますか？ ӎΈճၳდԶʅèїᒿԆ we’ve got Beersberg, Beerenbourg, Beerlsch, .ᄪਮᔁஙฃï Beersweiser, you name it, we’ve probably got itݏଉêӎ࠲؟is my cry for attention. Every week, without fail. Quad. Reports suggest that they’re not using Њ Please, someone, help. Do I have to spell it out conventional explosives. They’re going to be >OH[[OLOLSS&(YL`V\Z[PSSOLYL&:;033&@6</(=, We’ve got soft drinks too, of course. Take your anymore? I NEED HELP. releasing volatile Arts students on us. SHIT. 5630-,4@-90,5+ time.....Diet Coke? Sure thing. How big... Pint? felix FRIDAY 14 MAY 2010 27 [email protected] SPORT felixSport announce the World Cup league table winners As men’s volleyball and women’s fencing come out on top, we talk to them to find out more about what goes into an unbeaten season. This week : fencing

he felixSport league ta- season began with high expectations ble championship for the Meet the Captain: with the team winning their league the 2009-2010 season was Women’s Fencing 1sts previous year. “This season saw Alice T shared between Fencing and Outi join the team, both of whom Women’s 1s and Volley- are experienced fencers so we were ball Men’s 1s. The female fencers were fairly confident that we would be able able to boast a superior point differ- to repeat last year’s feat!” ence, however, it would have been Oxford University provided the stiff- unfair to demote the volleyball players est competition for Imperial within the into second place due to the different southern league this season: “Oxford point scoring systems between the two beat us in 2009, but it was incredibly sports. Both the fencing and volleyball close with the teams only separated by teams completed their respective sea- a few points. We knew that they had sons with unblemished records; the lost a few of their key competitors from fencers emerged victorious from their last year and on the first two occasions eleven bouts while volleyball secured we met we managed to beat them quite ten victories throughout the season. easily. This was mainly thanks to the While most people have a general strength of our epee and foil teams.” understanding of what the sport of The Imperial team faced Oxford for a fencing is about, the vast majority of third time this season and were able to the public don’t know the rules regual- keep level headed and see of their chal- tions and procedures of the sport as lengers for a third time within a season. it does not command the same level Name: Clare Harding After an undefeated season, plenty of publicity as the national sports of Age: 23. of exceptional moments stand out: England such as football, cricket and Subject: First year PhD in “The highlight for the team was prob- rugby. ably the BUCS semi-final victory over Microbiology and Molecular Cell Fencing has a long historic tradition Oxford- when we met them the third and is one of only four sports to have Biology. time. The team felt a lot of pressure to made an appearance at every one of Height: 5ft 1 win that match in order to qualify for the modern Olympic Games. Fenc- the final in Sheffield”. The victory was ing competitors have a selection of While studying at school, Clare even more impressive as Imperial’s op- three weapons; epee, foil and sabre. represented Scotland and Great ponents contained some competitors When competing, rules specific to Britain at U17 level. During her from the British circuit. “Luckily the each weapon must be observed when undergraduate course at Durham, team pulled through really well and dueling. In epee and foil, points are Clare fenced for Scotland in the produced one of the most resounding scored with the tip of the weapon on five nations as well as captaining victories of the season”. a valid target area whereas sabre calls the Durham fencing team. Promisingly, Clare believes the team for a slashing motion, hitting the op- is unlikely to change drastically going As a qualified fencing coach Clare ponent with the side of the blade. The into next season: “We compete in small areas which competitors target differ has taught children and Imperial teams so there can be large changes according to the weapon, and hits are students. from year to year and it’s encouraging registered electronically with the use Imperial fencers in action during their undefeated season that the team will not change too much of a “box” that lights up. The general for the coming season”. Furthermore, aim of a bout is simple - to outscore the club was able to put out a second your opponent. weight and length, and the attacker the referee. very large ‘goal difference’ the fencers team, captained by Helen Pennington Epee uses a slightly heavier weapon may target anywhere from the waist BUCS team matches involve a have. who is a part of the first team; this can than foil or sabre and allows hits to be upwards. There is a right of way rule 45-point relay for each weapon. The felixSport caught up with Clare only improve the prospects of Impe- scored on the whole body. The foil tar- in fencing which is implemented in foil team for a singlee weapon is comprised Harding, captain of the successful rial’s fencers. “This allows far more get area removes the head, arms and and sabre to prevent simultaneous at- of three people, each fencing three fencing team to discuss their success- people to compete at a University level legs and is materialised by a metallic tacks, epee being the only weapon to bouts to five hits, with the first team to ful season: “Six girls were on the team which is a great way to retain novices. jacket which registers hits by complet- allow double, hits. Judging the right of 45 being the winner. The scores from this year: Alice Mitchell, Outi Sup- Hopefully in future years we will be ing a circuit between the foil and the way can sometimes be quite subjective each weapon are then added up to give ponen, Emily Bottle, Hannah Bryars, able to recruit from here which will box. The sabre is similar to the foil in and many a match will be decided by a total out of 135, which explains the Helen Pennington and myself”. The give the team added depth.”

Imperial 2nd XI overcome Reading 3s but are unable to repeat feat against Portsmouth Continued from back page as Reading were bowled out for 108, of good. An uneventful journey was a experience all too often; Alex being ing. Joe bowled a top spell of leg spin, which 50 was extras. This aside it was a relief in contrast to earlier this month trapped lbw and Sid falling cheaply af- grabbing two wickets; his googly com- team had recovered to a very respect- top-quality performance to give the 2s when the team managed to get lost on ter sending a sitter back to the bowler. pletely deceived the batsman who left able 210, although certain (very) senior their first win of the season. The man their way to Harlington. Upon arrival, Captain Pete also fell under the pres- the ball only for it to hit the top of the players were disappointed that the 2s of the match was, without doubt, Jon- traditional pre-game rituals were un- sure and the biggest blow came soon off stump. hadn’t managed to score more runs ny C for his all round performance: 20 dertaken; Pete went to buy some food after when Joe was also out leg-before. This gave IC another burst of energy than the 1s for once. With a spring runs, 3 wickets and two catches. Geek for tea and Sid had a fag. But heroics from Ian at the tail end of as the main threat to the team was now in the step, the players went out to of the day could only go to Ben Bell for On a green wicket, softened due to the innings, with support from Will dismissed. But alas, with only 140 to field and some high quality open- being sad enough to spend tea break the rain, bowling first seemed the way Baker and Will Duncan, allowed IC to defend the quick start from the Ports- ing bowling from Jonny C (3-13 from working out the countdown puzzles to go; but losing the toss, IC were put set a target of 140 and give the bowlers mouth batsmen turned out to be too 10 overs) lead to the dismissal of the that were on TV and consequently be- in to bat. After a strong bating perfor- something to work with. tall an order for the bowlers to con- two openers in successive overs with ing prime evidence that playing Hock- mance from last game, IC were keen to After tea the team was ready to bring tain as the final runs were scored with two unplayable balls. The previously ey has a negative influence on you. repeat their performance. Joe started their best to defend a low total. But a ease. The team, unhappy with their wayward captain, who wasn’t exactly the innings soundly and looked like he quick start from the Portsmouth open- performance, headed up to the Red leading by example at the time, then **** was geared up to get a big score with ers started to put some heads down Lion to drink away their sorrows. Will got in on the act to remove the third more leaves than a tree. Unfortunately, before Sid’s loud mouth ensured some dominated the pool table and a good batsman to leave Reading reeling. An Stirred from their first win in over a at the other end, Rahul, his opening banter; the breakthrough came and the game of killer came to a thrilling end inspired bowling change by Pete lead year, an energized Imperial 2nd team partner, was dismissed in the second opening duo of Ian and Pete seemed where Rahul’s accuracy conquered to debutante Will Baker collecting two gathered together for their next game, over. set to cause some havoc as they had Sid’s flukes. wickets, before things got better when playing Portsmouth to seal their posi- Sasha came in all guns blazing and in Sussex. With a wicket apiece they The team now has to prepare for the only credible spinner, Luke, came tion in the division. With a strength- bought the team a quick start before had the Portsmouth team under pres- what will be a competitive game on and took quick wickets (and ended ened batting line-up and a typically offering a catch to mid-off while look- sure as Will’s sharp stop and accurate against Brunel on Wednesday, where up with figures of 9 overs 3-14). Pete strong bowling attack along with two ing to clear the infield. This triggered throw provided another wicket but a win would solidify their position in then came back to wrap up the innings extra spinners, things were looking the haunting collapse that the seconds despite all this, runs were still flow- the league. 14.05.10

Send in your sport reports: [email protected] felixSport High resolution photos only Cricketers improve season records

while at the other end Hemal Malde the start time was 2pm instead of the Adam Hugill Cricket 1st XI achieve third victory of the season over kept things tight, bowling line and widely publicised 12:30. After a socia- length to restrict the batsmen. How- ble journey West to T6 with the 1st Portsmouth 2s while the 2nd XI secure maiden ever, as the frontline seamers ran out team, Pete decided there were no de- IImperiiall Collllege Men’s 1stt XI 210 alll victory against Reading 3s of overs, spinners Sompalli and Pai tours needed and the rest of the jour- out came on. With little help from the ney was uneventful. University of Sussex 1st XI 191 all out pitch, or Imperial’s catching, the Ports- After delaying the match as much he 1st XI were in good mer, who hit an enterprising 33 as the mouth number 7 chanced his arm in as possible so that there was a chance form having won both pair put on 65 for the 7th wicket. Cam- a fortunate and fighting 50 to set up a Rohan would arrive, Pete relented and Imperial won by 19 runs their opening games and eos from Rahul Pai and Navin Surtani tense finish; Portsmouth needed 5 an went for the toss, which he won and T so headed to the ‘home’ lifted the total before IC were bowled over from the last 10 with 3 wickets in thus decided to bat. The opening part- pitch in Harlington full of out in the 48th over for 210. This was hand. Surtani returned and Musgrave nership of Jonny C and Yash, the 3rd in confidence of picking up a third vic- a modest total but given the nature of came on to both bowl very tidily, with as many games, got off to a good start Pete Swallow Cricket tory in a row. Skipper Ankit Patel lost the pitch, Imperial’s bowlers were con- a wicket apiece, and “come the mo- with a year-record opening stand of 15 the toss and Imperial were put into fident with their ability to defend the ment, cometh the man” with Majid before Yash got out for a solid 12. Af- bat on a green wicket that promised total. (not normally a death bowler) stepping terwards, things looked up and in con- IImperiiall Collllege Men’s 2ndd XI 200 alll much for the bowlers with lots of cloud A good start was necessary and Vi- up to bowl and take the last wicket; trast to the 1st XI’s comedy top-order out overhead. ran provided this with a very impres- chopped on to the stumps with just batting on the other pitch, the 2nds University of Reading 3rd XI 108 all Anirudh Sompalli smashed the open- sive opening spell of 3-26 from 10 enough force to dislodge a bail and end progressed nicely to 156 for 5; Jonny out ing two balls for one bounce fours be- overs, and he could have had more a thrilling match with a deserved win. getting 20, Joe Dearsly 34 and fresher fore being undone by movement off the wickets if his keeper and slips had pro- With three wins in three, Imperial look Sid a serene 57. With the platform set pitch; a bizarre lbw decision and a silly vided more support. Surtani, plugging to make it four out of four and all-but for a big score, the loss of Sid lead to Imperial won by 92 runs run out then did for James Musgrave away at the other end, lacked victims secure promotion. the inevitable collapse to 200 all out; and Matt Tarr, leaving the side 30-3 to go with his control. Despite the loss Men of match – Ankit Patel & Viran Luke Smith smashing a quick-fire 14 at after just 3 overs. Majid Ali then made of these three wickets, Portsmouth Parmar (equal votes).. the death. IImperiiall Collllege Men’s 2ndd XI 140 alll an eye catching 23 with some beauti- were threatening to get away from Im- Feeling extremely pleased with the out ful drives and good support from Yasir perial, with some very nice shots from **** total, Pete and his troops went in for University of Portsmouth 3rd XI 144 Malik’s 17. Ali’s dismissal brought cap- their batsmen. Fortunately, Superman After two disappointing perfor- tea and to refocus for the second half for 5 tain Patel to the crease and he began to Patel again stepped up with a beautiful mances, Imperial 2nds hosted Reading of the game. The mood improved even calm a turbulent innings with a steady spell of 3-28 from his 10 overs, remov- 3rds in a relegation dog-fight. All was more when it was discovered the 1st 45. He put on good partnerships with ing the middle order that had looked well in the morning until Rohan Babla, Imperial lost by 5 wickets Yasir, Adam Hugill and then Viran Par- like winning the game for Portsmouth, club secretary, somehow decided that Continued on Page 27