• News 3 Nothing in the least interesting, infor­ Cry Rape! mative, or that hasn't already been covered in the HOYA We have been raped. Arts 9 The Voice is very much like a woman: proud, sen­ A review of a play that closed two sitive, very aware of it's rightful place in the world. We weeks ago; a pretentious and verbose critique of an album that no one is go­ even run on our own cycle. But, unlike a woman, we ing to but anyway have a sense of honor, and that sense of honor has been . sullied by the shocking act that resulted in the theft of Cover 10 this newspaper, whose monetary value is approximately A last-ditch attempt to get people to get people to pick up our newsmagazine 1200 dollars. But the issue is not money, but rape. We in spite of the cliche-ridden prose and demand satisfaction, and, aga,in like a woman, we pro­ non-sequitor commentary. Behind bably won't get it. Sports II The facts in the case are simple. We work hard all Now that the basketball season is week gathering the news, sports, and features that you over, pretty lean pickings. Reports on see tastefully presented in our pages. Monday night we minor sports that get almost no funding theLinM and lose all the time. take what we in the newspaper business call "flats", worth around 1200 dollars, to our printers, the Nor­ C.S. Lewis once said that thern Virginia Sun. Sometime between nine and nine­ "You always hurt the one you eleven, the flats, (worth over a thousand dollars), were Board 0/ Worth love", and he almost certainly agree that, at least at Georgetown found to be missing, searched for, declared officially Mark Whimp. Antagonist-In-Chief stolen, returned, lost again, found, and declared a Na­ Miz Tam Pan, Barely Managing Jewess today, he was right. Though few admit it, Joe and Jane Hoya are tional Historical Monument. Ron Klain, Dirty Yellow Muckraker deeply into the dark, kinky world We accuse no one. But we ha.ve our well-founded Liz Snailer, Escargot of Worth of sado-masochism, and suspicions. Surely the first place to look is at the Hymie Schlonger, Sultan of Worth Georgetown is widely known Goldwyn-Dixon-Student Government-HOYA-clique, a Sammi Davis, Maharaji of Worth throughout the "S&M" world as Kevin Cocky, Ambassador of Worth a place you can) beat for the best veritable Tri-Iateral commission of influence and iIi­ Margaret Useless, Troll of Worth in the erotic infliction of pain. cestuous positions. Not ten minutes .befor the theft did Carolyn Token, Mammie of Worth S&M comes in many forms, twelve different people with connections with this The Frito DiRito, Guinea of Worth from the rather tame self-torture shadowy underground say that if they had there way, Julia Frisked, Feature Creature of hanging on to a relationship Valerie N. Reitman, Editor Incompleta they would do away with the Voice and everything it that died a long time ago, to the Beth Unknown, Worth Poster Child stands for. sophisticated pleasures of whipp­ Chris Fake, Worthless What, we ask, could be clearer, more sinister, than Michael Macho, Embezzler ing the daylights out of that cute Washington Kitsocs, Duke of Worth brunette in your accounting class. that? Ken Knice-Guy, Pervert of Worth And enjoying it. We found the Like a woman we demand satisfaction. But, in Lorenzo Mooch-ali, Sponge of Worth common stereotype of the sadist response to this unconscionable seduction or" the spirit Pablo Dustbin, Impressionist as a wild eyed Nazi stormtrooper of the First Amendment, we find the commission named Peter Pompous, King of Worth to be patently false; as well, the to bring our view of truth to light to be filled with the' idea that masochists are all wimps and. pantywaists doesn't I cronies of the very clique ()t we khow did the nefarious Vol. No, Mark jive with the truth. They are deed in the first place, as if one's rapist were 'also one's April 1, 1980 everyday people, just like you gynecologist. Dare we allow this unspeakable sham to. The HOYA and me, except they only really continue? . get excited when they are listen­ We want another investigation. We want an impartial ing to the sharp squeals of their committee, made up of faculty members (who have lover as the ropes bite deeper and The opinions expressed are those of the deeper into sweaty, straining nothing better to do) to get the facts in this case. It will Editorial Board and do not represent flesh ... not not be difficult. We have them all. We want to drag the views of the Editor-In-Chief,a Well. All we know is, out respectable God fearing young man. this charade out as long as possible, because otherwise The opinions expressed do not there tonight, there are screams why will anyone pay attention to us? necessarily represent the view of the Ad­ of something not quite agony and We wish we could be more optimistic about this; we ministration, Faculty, and Students yet not yet ecstasy, something unless specifically stated. The U niversi­ that even we've never quite dared simply cannot. The Voice is like a woman, and right ty suscribes to the principle of responsi­ to touch. Until now. . now, we are on the rag. Libertie, Egalitie, Fraternitia! ble freedom of expression for our stu­ Remember the Potemkin! In Circumis Maximus! dent editors. The reader assumes all liability for accepting all news printed We ask the Georgetown Community to answer our within as anything more than un­ cry of help. substantiated second hand rumors. Send all litter to: The Georgetown Voice (a.k.a. as the cover for the HOY A's April Fools edi­ tion) was composed in good clean fun. The Georgeto~n Void by the editorial board of the HOY A, c/o Maria "Cat Woman" Laurino last ,weekend when they should have (see cover) been studying. P.O. Box 69 Artsy Fartsy Land, D.C. Offices: Copley Basement (202) 625-4554. Hope you didn't take it personally. The Black Student Association eating licorice al midnighl during a hiackoul. The Georgetown Voice by Mark Jittelbrains P.R. Flak For Your Inflamation: Jim Marchiony "Who got the answers to the Sociology basketball team, Jim realizes that his is a lonely hoops are in fashion, Marchiony hyperven­ test?" Go ask Marchiony. "Who does Sleepy job. "You're damn right it's lonely. No one tilates alot. sleep with?" Go ask Marchiony. "What size else wants to do it. This place runs through underwear does Thompson take?" Go ask SID's faster that Shelton runs through Marchiony graduated summa cum nada Marchiony. "Who cares about Marchiony?" sneakers. Hey--wait a minute. That's a good from St. Bonavivant, and after a stint as Go ask his mother. statistic. Just how many sneakers does Shelton fashion designer for Spalding, Inc. came to Jim Marchiony is the Sports Information go through? Georgetown. It was here he discovered the fun Director for GU. Ii is his job to make sure that of making up statistics. However, he seems to the reporters for the newpapers and magazines Marchiony arrives for work every morning be rather limited in his version of Georgetwon of the mation get the information that they so at 9:00 AM wearing the tacky garments that sports. "What do you mean there are other vitally need, like how many points does Eric make everyone around him snicker. For some sports here besides basketball?" Smith usually score on rainy Thursdays in reason, however, they are a source of special January when the combined shoe size of the pride to him. "See this jacket? I got this in '68. Frank Connors and John Blake, former opposing team is 57Y2 EEE. Knowing full well I'm positive it will come back in style. Nehru SID's who now have real jobs, were the models that the average Joe and Jane Hoya in the Pub jackets are so practical." Most of the rest of for Marchiony .. "I realize that I have big shoes are far more interested in hearing a Springsten Marchiony's day is filled with oxygen intake. to fill. But I'm doing my best." Maybe. He still song than in knowing minute details about the But not during the basketball season. When trips alot.

Because we want you to help us celebrate this Dewer's Profiles milestone in the history Theodore Robert (Ted) Bundy of the religion, we're throwing the biggest, Age: 32 goshdarn party this sad, Occupation: Law Stu­ dent, babysitter little planet has ever Home: Tacoma, seen. And for the next Washington twenty years years we'll Hobbies: Politics, travel, - be picking up the bill at dating, mass murder Last Accomplishment: Hi. This is Pope John Paul. weekly get-togethers at each of our thirty-four Defended self in a You know, two thou­ celebrated trial for the thousand branches bludgeon killings of two sand years is a pretty throughout the Western long time; a lot longer sorority girls; maintained World. I should tell you sense of humor though than the United States that we've resurrected decision ultimately went has even been a nation. the ancient Christian against him. But that's how long the­ love feast that helped Last book read: In Cold organization I'm head of put us where we are to­ Blood I Profile: Witty, urbane, homicidal. Moody yet passionate, Ted has been working for day, to which we've add­ you. We call ourselves enjoys a big night out on the town. Gourmet cook and wine ed a few new twists we conni sour. Also enjoys biting dead women's buttocks. the Roman Catholic think will amuse you. Quote: "Only the good die young." Church, and we're hav­ There'll be music and Scotch: No, I think the last two were Jewish. ing an anniversary! dancing plus special ac­ That's right. The tjvities for the kids. And Church (as we like to call everyone is invited (even it, here at the Office), is the Jews)! going to be celebrating Don'ters Profiles its twentieth century as So drop by as often as "Jowls" Donald a living, growing you can, and help us par­ presence in the world. ty in the new millenium! And as we enter our We'll be expecting you. HOME: Entenmann third millenium, we Estates, New York. thought it might be a AGE: Forty~five--after face Because, . after all, who lift. good time to let our hair knows where we'll all be Occupation: Bon Vivant. down and toss back a in a thousand years? Hobbies: Gossiping, Man­ few for a job-well done. dating, Jet-Setting. As we do, we'll be be Favorite Books: Jackie, reliving some of those OH!!, Scruples, Looking triumphs of the past, as Out jar No.1, How to Be well as looking at what's The Your Own Best Friend, left of the Church today. Italian jar Simpletons And we'll hazard a guess (Berlitz) or two about the futur-e Roman Quotes: "Relax ... you're among friends," "Finish yourN-Grades, of the 01' RCC, as it at­ Val," "Someday, When you're 45 and can appreciate fine sherry, tempts to meet the Catholic maybe you'll understand." challenge of tomorrow in Profile: Pretentious, Effete, Elitist (Not Elite) an increasingly secular Church world. For Christ's Sake. Scotch? No Italian .... It's the language of the villa. A Statement To The World: The traitor- must be returned at once!

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The Boomer On 1 April, a cadre of "students", acting, as did our brothers in Iran, in response to the true wishes of The People, took prisoner and now hold in a secret location imperialist documents once used by the - oligarchs of Second O'Gara to enslave and annoy The People. This was an act ordained by God--we were just following orders. These heinous spy-sheets will be held by our valiant co-fanatics until the following conditions are met: 1)The return to us of the Boomer, Bill Henry, Reviewer of Reviewers, Mouth of the South, and oppressor of The People, to stand trial for his crimes. 2)An admission of guilt on the part of the Voice that they have meddled to long in the affairs of The People, when they s,hould have peen learning more important things, like the difference between an adjective and an adverb. These things have been revealed to us through the Imam-in-chief, as it is the Will Of God, whose Name is Highest, or at least at a Con- siderable Altitude 0 Amen. -'. P pS. Any trips by his former Wordyness to little out-off-the-way places like Panama,- Eygpt,' or Passaic are going to be big trouble. And don't try that "He's got a bad spleen" bit; we know he's in ex­ cellent health--at least, until we get a hold of him. Vol. No, Mark. GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY, GUYANA, S.A. April 1, 1980 All seniors to receive 2.0 Plutonium Seepage All, Academic .Records Erased Contaminates GU by Ray D. Ate space is, among other things, food By Spren Dipitl HOV A Invcc;ltS3tivc Reporter stuffs used in preparing meals served HOY t\ New'i Writer at both New South and Darnall Parts of the Georgetown campus cafeterias. Sources indicate that Mar­ The academic records of the entire were spewed with lethal radiation last roit food may have been contaminated graduate and undergraduate stu­ night as a result of a nuclear accident for years. "I wouldn't eat that stuff if dent hody have been wiped out. late last night at Reiss Seience they paid me," a federal official com­ Sometime during the weekend Building. Two University employees mented. G.U.'s IBM 370 simply wiped out are believed to be ill from the An unnamed doctor at Georgetown all transcripts. and similar data. Plutonium 235 leak. hospital said of the injured workers, There is no possibility of recover­ Federal investigators have sealed off "It's bad, but it doesn't appear to be ing any of the lost information, as the area surrounding Reiss, and fatal. They received severe doses, and university regulations ~equire the restricted traffic·f1ow in the upper that whole area will be 'hot' (radoiac­ uc'truction of all written records Georgetown area. Students living in tive) for months, but [ think these two on.:e they have been entered into dorm rooms in Darnall, St. Mary's, will make it." the Lomputer system. and Henleville will be taken for Medical sources said that the "I was Lemon-Pledging the data medical examinations throughout the maintcnance personnel who had gone banks when, all of a sudden, all this day. to investigate early reports of the inci­ hlad smoke started billowing A!\ Main Campus classes have been dent, Guentheria Washington and Earl out ... " stated Georgetown Com­ cancelled, as students are encouraged James Douglass, complained of vomit­ ting, diaharrea. hcadaches-- all puter Center Coordinator S~nior to stay indoors. Students arc urged to Brainiac in cxplalation of the IBM's contact their RA's immediately for classical symptoms of rediation memory-core meltdown. Repair of plans. Any questions may be answered poisoning. the <;y.>tcm is impossible due to the by calling Charles Meng at 625-4134. Later reports made the condition of recent quarantine of the irrodiated Ironically, the accident comes at the the two men rar more serious. "They Reiss Building. same time that a HOYA investigation could have exposed film the W;\y they The loss' of academic records has has revealed that drums of nuclear were 'glowing'," an intern at the caused chaos among University ad­ chemicals-- some identical to those in­ hospital said. ministrators, raculty, and students. volved in last night's incident-- have Although details of the incident re­ Academic Vice President Rev. J. Clockwise-, from upper left: Reiss Science Building, cite of last night's disaster; Signs posted mark the been stored in general warehouse space main extremely unclear. initial ac­ Donald Freeze, S.J., commenting dangerous plutonium stores; Possible radiation exposure victims admitted to GU Hospital early this morning. for the past ten years. Included in the counts say that arouno I 1:00 p.m. from his now-pemanent office in the housekeeping supervisor Louella Jef­ University's recently-acquired plan, a Senior pre-med-- with a fcrson smelled unusual fumes and Cdt Italian Villa, has proposed an claimed 3.99 QPl-- commented, inordinate heat coming from a room cmergency plan to fill the students' "Quaaludes, man, thcy're the Krogh Drives off Bridge; GirlDrowns on first floor Reiss marked, vacuous transcripts. answer-- 'ludes, man, 1 NEED "DANGER. RADIOACTIVE "We in the Admini~tration feel 'LUDES .. " and ran off, drooling, By Jack Ob after the party?" Can I help it I took a wrong turn on MATERIALS. " University otTicials would not con­ much empathy toward the many toward Anacostia. HOY A Investigative Reporter Main Campus Finance Officer Mel Key Bridge? I think we should stop students who have worked long and Reportedly, a group of law-school In a tragically bizarre 'accident last Bell gave his version of the incident: talking about this and address real firm or deny any reports of what had diligently to compile fine academic hopefuls have found a "lobbying" Saturday night, SFS secretary Mehri "We were all acting fast and loose. problems like inflation. It's getting happened. The only qatcment 110m records. . group that plans to fly to Italy to Vidas drowned in the jeep of SFS Just a bunch 'of crazy kids out for a harder and harder to coax money out federal safety officials was, "Thcr~;, a However, there are an equal persuade Freeze to change his Dean Peter F. Krogh, after his vehicle good time, you know? Well, Mary and of the Libyans. Maybe Mehri did get a possibility of radiation dang<:r in t hl' numbcr of <;lackards, people who mind. The group has engaged Rocco crashed through a Key Bridge abut­ Petey were faster and looser than rough break, but what about my hair area of Reiss Science Building. The University is taking the appropriate have actually flunked courses; "Slice" Stilletto, a self-proclaimed ment and plummeted into the anyone else, and before anyone could and the seaweed in my teeth? those who arc staying in school by "attitude-change consultant" based Potomac River. Krogh swam away stop them, they were driving half nak­ Krogh's wife Zene contacted at Chit steps 10 deal with this matter. There is the skin of their teeth. in Brooklyn, to assist them. unscathed. ed down Prospect Street in a jeep sing­ Chat Farms for Alcoholics had no no cause for alarm." Consequently, the only just, Stilletto plans to appeal to . The incident, which took place after ing 'Thank Heaven for Little Girls'." comment. The story that J dfcrson related universally fair method is to give Freeze's sense integrity-- both a post-midnight Dean's office recep­ GU Protective Service Spokesman Darnall Resident Director Patty however, seemed to be more than just eaeh student a "C" (2.0) average for mOfally and physicaily. "I'ma tion with six married men and Fr. J. Charles Lamb reached for comment "The Knife" Jackman appears to be "possibilities." Shc said in an inter­ view, "At bout 11:30, I tink I '>ce the course 0 f their college careers." makka him :10 offa he can't refuse­ Donald Freeze and four SFS stated, "No one contacted us about the only witness to the accident. "I Upon learning of the University's l'ma.shoo he gonna see it our way." debutantes, threatens to mar the once any accident yet, but if someone does, was coming home early from a somethin' funny in Reese. So I call da bright political hopes of Krogh. we'll be sure to look into it." Lamb slumber party at my girlfriend's house GUPS and bout 12:30 cia GUPS and Partygoer Freeze,contacted at his has been named a University Vice­ when I saw this jeep careening around da maintenance dey came. Bout one Florentine villa recounted the incident: President for his efforts. and stuff on the bridge. This did not dey came back wit da key. Bout twO Hot Lips Named Head Krogh absolved himself from any look like fun. All of a sudden, the jeep you shouda seen dcm boys-- whoosh-­ "The sherry was quite dry, and the . hors d 'ouevres were simply exquisite. I wrongdoing in the incident. "I was spun out and stuff, you know, and they were a' 5hinin' and a' glowin' can vividly remember licking my lips at just taking a very sick little girl home kind of fell into the river, you know. I somethin' mean." of Nursing School Here the simply delightful clams casino. for her medicine. Sure she wasn't fully saw Dean Krogh swim to the surface Fr. Timothy Healy, S.J., University clothed, but she needed to cool off. wearing black bikinis, and 1 thought President reached for comment said, University VP J.Donald Freeze,S.L Wasn't there some kind of accident by Patience Bedpan that it was a pretty funny time to be "If the students follow the instructions "I'm looking forward to coming to HOYA Investigative Reporrer swimming, you know." they receive from their RA's they I,ill Georgetown, with all those young pre­ University Provost J. Donald be OK. They need not worry." Yet Loretta Switt, known to millions of meds to choose from. And, I'm told Freeze, sponging at his Florentine sources informed the HOYA that even Americans as Hot Lips on the popular that your· Col. Olson (GUROTC GU Buys Imperial 400 now plans are being made to install Director) is alot like Frank country retreat, responded to calls for TV series "MASH" was named Dean special'lead insulation in the offices or Burns,"Switt commented. an investigation of Krogh: "Oh yes, of Georgetown's Nursing School this but really, what do you think about many key administrators. Asked about her lack of experience week by University President Timothy black and flourescent silver wallpaper Chemistry Professor Louis Baker in the educational field, Switt remark­ Campus Expands to Va. S. Healy,S.J .. and Gucci designs for the maids? claimed, "The reports arc absurd. My ed, "No, I've never taught, but Frank Healy announced the appointment Could you sneak any Entenmann's chemiicals are safe." Baker declined Rienzo's never played LaCrosse, and by Rusty Pipes Fr. J. Donald Freeze, S.J., Universi­ as part of what he called the through customs?" further comment, in a rush to leave for look at the job he does." HOYA Cuh Imesrig::nivc Rcportc~ ty Provost and advocate of the InCul "Celebrity-Dean-in-Residence pro­ Vidas' parents Elmer Joe and Betty a conference in Bora-Bora arranged on Current Acting Dean of the GUNS, Cen, commented from Georgetown's gram." Plans call for top deaconal Sue had little to say. "Well it is all very a "moment's notice," according to a Rose McGarrity, said she was "glad to The University has unveiled plans to villa in Italy, "Sure 1'm sorry to see the slots in all schools to go to name saddening, but it is very nice of Petey TA and manservant. get rid of the job. ""1 never wanted the purchase the Imperial 400 hotel and new building scrapped, but with the celebrities after their current holders to send us for a vacation on them Li­ University Provo',[ Fr. J. Donald post; who wants to be responsible for hold a special lottery for rooming administrators taking the townhouses, leave, retire, or accept University Vice­ .byan beaches. We just hear it's Freeze told a reporter in a phone inter­ 500 preppies who couldn't hack it as spaces this week. and the jcsuits taking the villa, where Presidencies. beautiful there this time of year. " The view from G. U.', Italian Villa, "The pre-meds if they slept with their Housing Director Winnifred are students going to live?" Mentioned as other possible par­ Vidas' were also awarded a University weather's nice o\'er herc. l:\uclcar profs?" McGarrity asked. Wegmann told the HOYA, "Students Queried about the distance of the ticipants are Pearl Bailey, to take over townhouse on "0" Street. radiation. I don't cap i,;co" from Dean Peter Krogh, implicated in like Georgetown-at-Route 50 so much Northern Virginia hotel from the cam­ the "Vidas Affair", and Andy Kauf­ Switt said she was excited about this year, we decided to make it a per­ pus, Wegmann answered, "Well of man (Latka of TV's "Taxi") to suc­ receiving a new University townhouse manent thing." She added, "the course it's not a University townhouse ceed SLL Dean James Alatis, who will and added, "I'm sure I'U be a VP in delapidated hotel has all the comforts or anything, but at least you don't VP Miller Hires Family; be moving into the Italian villa with no time." of Main Campus-- pinball have to sit down to take a shower." machines,noisy airplane traffic, small Billy Joel Was Right rooms, a rotten coffce shop-- we Dean of Student Affairs William thought students would be proud to Stott told a group protesting the pur­ Unemployment Drops call it home." chase, "Awh, quit yer bitching_ When I was your age, I had to walk fifteen by Ned Potism Millers. Cheerleaders Take it Off Wegmann is to be rewarded with a miles to school each day, and look HOYA Investigative Reporter "These townhouses are simply not University townhouse and a Vice­ where I am-- the only shmoe in this siuted to student life since the installa­ overheard her say," I asked if I could Presidency this week for her role in University who isn't a Vice-President University Vice-President for tion of the jacuzzis, chandeliers, mar­ by Phil A. Cio pose for a 'cheesecake' shot and they purchase. and who doesn't have a townhouse." Physical Plant, Planning, and Ad­ ble fireplaces, and built-in to <;peed HOVA Investigative Reporter said they didn't even want me to bake Tied to the purchase, however, is the ministrative Services William G. Miller Osterizers," recounted the Beau Amid contreversy and protest, a cheesecake." When asked about temporary hous­ forced deferal of the construction of ing for students who will be displaced this week established consanguinity as Miller, rumored to be up for a Vice­ photographers for Playboy magazine the planned Inter-Cultural Center. the primary qualification for employ­ Presidency of his own. "And with the began shooting on campus this week when the Nevils Dorm Project is not The expected $17 million selling price completed on schedule, Off-Campus ment at Georgetown. addition of Village 'A', few if any for a pictorial entitled, "Girls of the Sex Scandal Miller, speaking at a family reunion for the crumbling hotel will sap GU of Housing Dean William Schuerman students, are in need of housing near Jesuit Schools." By Ri~"ard Burton the capltal needed to build the new stated, "There's a Holiday Inn near in his tacky New South suite, announc­ campus." ~ Playboyphotographer Lou B. Ca­ HOY A Investigative Reponer glass structure. Norfolk we're negotiating with." ed the new criteria in an effort to hire Payment for the townhouses would tion, who shot "Girls of the Ivy", "Big The U.S. Justice Departmen~ releas­ more of the hard-core unemployed, be arranged through Students Ac­ Ten", and the "South,." said in an in­ ed a report this week implicating six specifically members of the destitute counts, according to Director of Stu­ terview, "We are looking for Catholic Georgetown professors as participants Miller clan. The new jobs would dent Accounts Carol (sis) Miller. girls who don't want to die young!' in sexual harassment of students. The become available as non-Miller-related "It'll be within the family," laughed Cation continued, "We had our crime, which involves professors ex­ employees were laid -off, "with the the withered blonde, adding, "I'm sure doubts about coming to an uptight changing grades for sexual favors, has very best wishes for useful employ­ there won't be any problems, and if school like GU, but when we heard been the target of an investigation of ment elsewhere in the educational sec­ there are Daddy-- I mean Vice­ that you had' cheerleaders starring in universities across the nation con­ tor. " President Father will take care of it." an 'R'-rated movie, well ... " ducted by the Justice Department for "I can never thank these people Reached for comment at his villa in Yet Women's Network spokesper­ the past two years. enough, for both their hard work, and Italy, University Provost Freeze said, son Tracey Hughes expressed her The investigation report named pro­ their loyalty, but let's face it; blood is "The curtains will be 0 f the finest silk; "disgust" with the shooting. "We fessors Dr. Leona Fisher and Dr. thicker than labor agreements," Miller the carpets an Oriental shag." have 2,500 self-respecting girls on this Roland Flint of the English Depart­ said. campus (excluding the cheerleaders, of ment, Fr. Frank Winters, SJ of Inter­ The action follows the awarding of course) who are trying to make a col­ national Relations, Fr. Otto Hentz,SJ the entire fourth floor of Copley lege career of keeping thier,legs cross­ of Theology, Douglas McCabe of the building to Miller's multitude of ed. How Could Playboy do such a INSIDE THIS ISSUE SBA, and Fr. Joseph 'Zrinyi,SJ of nephews and nieces, in line with the thing?" Hughes asked. Economics. new University policy that, "It's Miller Sources indicated, however, that While the report withheld the names time." Hughes' opposition to the photos may of the victims, it stated that at least 50 "They won't take up as much space stem from more personal reasons_ students admitted to engaging in sex­ as normal students," said the avun­ *Minorities Offended Rumors have it that Hughes' suc­ ual relations with professors in ex­ cular VP, .. Afterall, Millers are one­ *Morality Upended cesssor as Student Government Vice­ change for better grades. third less filling." *Good Taste Distended President, Renita Dixon, has been ap­ When questioned about the Justice In a related story, Director of In­ proached to be the feature nude hoya *Anarchy Befriended Department's accusations, Dr. Fisher vestment Properties Gary (apple of in the photo spread. replied, "I couldn't have been more This new emergency vehicle, acquired last week by GUPS for $130:000 will soon Bill's eye) Miller announced that all A friend of Hughes having several surprised. I always had good relation- newly acquired townhouses would be outstanding N-grades reportedly be servicing the student body, carrying the injured from Yates Field House to GU continued on page two Hospital. immediately turned over to needy Pige 2, The BOYA, Tuesday, April I, 1980 ChasMeng Voice 'Editors' Enraged Arrested Valuable Flats "Stolen ". By Holly Unlikely HOYA Investigative Reporter Georgetown history. by I.M. Stoned Jilted News Editor Mark, Wad, HOY A InvestiRative Reoorter stated at an unattended news can· A dark cloud has descended upon a The Voice flats were stolen again. Big Deal. No one knows who did it. ference, "We cannot let this crime go top Georgetown official and Universi· 'unpunished. Our first amendment ty President Timothy Healy's right ,No one knows when, either, And reportedly, no one cares. rights have been violated. We demand hand man, Charles Meng, has found that all classes by cancelled and that himself burried in the snowstorm. The Voice staff, characteristically over-reacting to the now common oc­ every Student Government election Last Saturday night, D.C. Police ar· since 1972 be reheld." rested Meng at chic Georgetown night currence was already ,in shock due to the death of Voice Editor-among / The latest successful purloining 'of spot F.Scott's for allegedly using the Georgetown's second ranking nose candy of the ~lite·· cocaine. Bar Equals Maria Laurino. Laurino was eaten by a bear last weekend. It was newspaper occurred, as far 'as can be owner John McCooey, himself under determined, about four a.m. Tuesday, investigation for tax invasion, called their first date. The paper, liberally estimated to be by a crack team of as yet unidentified the police to inform them of Meng's villians. Wadd noted that a trail of alleged drug use. worth about $1200, if sold as ballast or secondary shielding for a fallout cookie crumbs was found extending shelter, has experienced a remarkable over Key Bridge and into the Virginia ability to be stolen in recent weeks. hinterlands, but disappeared on the The last five issues of the self­ south ~ide of Route 50. Vivacious vix­ described "new-magazine" have all en Victoria (The Proof is in the Pud­ disappeared, prompting Voice staffers ding) Robinson revealed that a ransom GU's pruudly acquired new possesion; the Italian villa. Currently University Provost J. Donald Freeze,S.J.,is working around note for the Voice had been received in "the clock to. furnish it in "the finest manner." to call for investigations by a faculty committee, the Administration, the the April Fool's Issue of the HOYA. HOYA officials were unavailable for District government, the United States Congress and the Curia. comment, though no connection bet­ McSorley Transformed by Stray Brick No explanation has yet been offered ween the two events was suspected by 'why a publication few would read if anyone in the know. F.Scotts, scene of the incident Fr. Richard McSorley, S. J" The story continues at the Zac­ There be pieces all over, $14.95 albums paid to do so has been the victim of a Wadd will assume his University Georgetown theology professor and chaeus Soup Kitchen, where McSorley in the trees, it was terrible. Anyways, series of th!!fts unprecedented in Vice-Presidency this week. The GU administrator commented pacifist, is recuperating at the Jesuit works JO hours a week ladling soup to the wind caught one of the records and at the station house, "I should have ex- residence in Warnersville, Penn- st.arving indigents. McSorley, accor­ it be sailing out of the sky and struck pected sometghing like this. A man of sylvania from head injuries and a dlllg to one of his co-workers, arrived Fr. McSorely right between the eyes." my import is constantly a victim of resulting emotional trauma suffered at the usual time and took his place When he regained consciousness, such absurd allegations. The charges on campus last week. behind the counter. When the first Fr. McSorely was once again the gentle /News Briefs News Briefs' are completely false, and I must em- , McSorley, according to the hospital derelict walked up to him looking for holier-than-thou vegetarian pacifist A new graduate program entitled, that life's a bummer without that phatically point out that I am as pure report, was entering the O'Gara food, McSorley yelled, "Get a job, that he had always been "Euthanasia:Ethical and Pratieal liberal arts education behind you." Considerations" will be offered in the Healy explained that freshman as the driven snow." building when a brick fell from the welfare bastard!" and drank the cup Doctors say McSorely suffered no 5,536 Nursing School this coming year. will be admitted into the Class of '84 Meng was released on his own crumbling edifice, striking him on the of soup himself. permanent injuries as a result of his Courses offered will include: "Pull- to compensate for the high attrition recognizance later that night and left left temple and causing him to lose Fed up with the bleeding heart ordeal. University lawyers are now try­ ing the Plug, ""Mercy Killing:Five rate. Charles Deacon, Director of Ad- the courthouse in the company of his consciousness. liberal pinkos, McSorley apparently ing to eKtricate him from the five years Easy Steps,""Seven Lethal and Un- missions, could not be reached for legal representatives, senior partners in McSoreley's secretary allegedly returned to campus where the nar­ he enlisted for in the U.S. Marine the firm Connaly and Williams. rushed to his side screaming, "Dick! rative is picked up by Louelle Jeffer­ Corps during the apparent lapse. tracable Drugs," and "The History of comment. Deacon is in. College Park Pillow Suffications," wnere he is currently studying Meng's lawyer complained of the Are you alright? Speak to me!" son of the University Housekeeping Unless they engage in some fancy police treatment. "They took away Regaining consciousness, McSore1ey Staff. Commented Jefferson: "At the and unquestionably persuasive plea New Nursing School Dean Loretta Maryland University's nonselective ad· Charlie's mirror for some god- answered her, "Don't call me Dick, time, some lunatic throwin' records bargaining, McSorely is scheduled to Switt commented, "It's easier to mission procedures. forsaken reason," the counsel claim- call me A-Bomb!" He then ran off in around the lawn like they was frisbees. depart for Boot Camp next Monday. knock 'em off than keep 'em around. ~~~""''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''~''''''''''''''' ed. the direction of the Quad, hollering We think this adds alot of depth to our Georgia politican James Earl Carter. Saying, "Charlie, I'm proud of "It worked in Japan, it'll work in , curriculum, and should grow to be as will be this year's graduation speaker, you," University President Healy Iran!" prestigous as our graduate degree in according to adminstration sources. awarded Meng a townhouse and a The slightly deranged Jesuit was Sex"Profs, and GU Mix "Nutrition:Why Veggies Are Good Carter allegedly was contacted at the 'i'~_n_iv_e_rs_it.;.y_Y_P_s_Jo_1...______..... ,next sighted on second floor Old continued from page one you everything he did for me. I love for You." last minute after the original choices of North by Colonel Frederick awarded tenure last year." Flint com­ my student. in every way." the Honorary Degree Committee all "Bullwhip" Olsen. "I saw McSorley mented that students probably named Reached for comment in Florence, declined invitations. He was not Wanted among the top ten speakers named in passing through the corridor 'and him because of ~is "rigid attendance Italy, Provost J. Donald Freeze said, The GU Student Senate voted Mafiosi Hitmen flashed him the peace sign. He called requirements,' , "The wallpaper will be yellow, to go unanimously to boycott the $500 tui­ a recent poll of GU seniors. Those who topped the list include: Woody me a pansy and told me to suck in my McCabe of the SBA was more with the ne", antiques we just purchas­ tion hike announced last month by Experience preferred Allen,Gary Trudeau, John Anderson, ~ut. " outspoken than his colleagues. "This ed." University officials. Students propose ,butnot necessary. Must Woody Allen, and Bruce Springsteen. have greasy black hair sort of thing is a fact of life - it goes on On the brighter side for withholding tuition payments until the all the time in the business world," Georgetown, the report reveals that "Oh well, sometimes you've got to . and own black three­ All Prices Slashed In administration agrees to substitute take what you can get," commented claimed McCabe; "I try to get my this University has the lowest incidence budget cuts for the scheduled increase. piece pinstripe suit. We , Half!!! . Send $2.50 students ready for everything, and if of sexual harassment out of the 100 University President, Fr. Timothy Fr. James Walsh of the Degree com­ mittee. Walsh said at first he was supply the carnations. they can't cut it here, well then they'll universities investigated. Those univer­ S. Healy, SJ appears unruffled by the (cash, check, or reluctant about Carter as the choice, PI~ase contact through never make it in the real world." sities ranking highest in sexual harass­ threat, saying, "University policy can­ money order) to: Fr. Zrinyi stated that he thought the ment are Harvard, Holy Cross, and not by influenced by the students. The because, "I was told that with Jimmy writing. you get his fat, free loading brother Scarpaceletti Family Greg Kitsock Justice Department must have American University. Mt. Verrion Col­ eradication of the classes of 1981-83 1620 29th St. NW misunderstood him when he told lege won the highest percentage rate, will not effect the quality of life at Billy. " Via Mozzarella 13 them, "I know all of my students ex­ with 95 percent of the faculty par­ Georgetown. These young men and Carter has served as head of his family's peanut farm, and Governor 10643 Palermo, Sicily Washington, DC tremely well. You name me a student ticipating in the trade of affection for women are digging their own graves; I of Georgia, Currently he is President AD Equal Opportunity Employer that I had 20 years ago and I can tell academic laurels. can not seem to impress upon thf"rn 20007 of the United States,

ROTC Helps Trigger-Ha.ppy Draw The Ayatollah Sophomores get A Gun ... Fast.

If you were smart enough to pass up Army ROTC in high school, it's not too late to get in on ROT·CEE's "the later, the bet· ter" Program. Your training can start im­ mediately, manning Reagan·for· President booths or sporting "Hell yes, I'm Going to Afghanistan" buttons. Get ex· posure in the media by offering to run through man·made mud in training greens somewhere in Appalachia as some low-budget ad agency lets the cameras roll for the armed service of your choice- And when your number comes up, don't worry. We war·mongers remember our friends. You'll get all the cushy assignments. You might even get to vacation in the fashionable districts of Europe. Just check "front line" at your

recruiter's office for up-front ac­ Yes, you may have hidden talent as a diplomat or foreign policy " tion with the ladies (we're draf· analyst . talent which we at Georgetown University School of ting them, too!). ·Foreign Service can help you turn into a lucrative career! So, don't wait another minute. To find out whether you qualify for our Master of Arts in Be a leader. Be a he-man. Show 'em you don't wet the bed Foreign Service program, just draw the Ayatollah on an 8" by 10" ,~ anymore and that boy at the end sheet of unlined white paper, using pencil, ballpoint pen, or crayon. of the block was just a "phase" No tracing please! you were going through. Submit all entries to:

Famous Foreign Service School " Georgetown University 36th & Prospect Street '. Washington, DC 200Z0NE -. P.III @Anny ROTC. " IllY IDTC. THE 'IO-YEAI '1 learn what it takes to kill .. All entries will be graded by a panel of assistant deans and an evaluation '/ sent to the applicant. Decisions of the Admissions Department are final.

" . 4 4 Tuesday, Aprlll, 1_, De KOYA Page.3 ==~======~======~==~======~======~======~~======~~e4"4' •• 4······13iE;()rCiE;iCi;ftiii ij·11 i1iiii;!ii1fir·············£ invective ~ Student Entertainment Commssion : iI t {l 'tl {l iI presen s {l GU Women Can't GetEnough ! Fall 1980 Movie Schedule I By the one who is scared, not you. The lines heard by your favorite Don Juan. ; ! = Move Alone Marlyn only problem is next Sunday you see If he complains about being cold at . {l TIl u.,., - t {l In the wake of all this Olympic him in the pub laying those same night, his bed like ice. {l 8/31 e £US..orclS (Part ll-The H!retic) {l boycott talk, the Goergetwn gals have crummy lines on somebody else. Reply, Fire and Water don't mix. :' : decided todo something I After talking Luckily, Georget<;>wnislocatedina If you hear, "Hey babe, IthinkIlove {l On Copley Lawn. Free Beer' (for $1.50 a Cup){l with the Women's Caucus, the majori- city with other colleges. George you. Would you like to get involved?" {l .: ty of G.U. women have decide to Washington guys prove to be much' Answer, "That sounds good, but lean : {l IGNORE all Georgetown men. The more reliable. Perhaps it is that the onlygosofarwithintellectualstimula- ~ BenJ"y/Death {l reason behind this boycott? Simple, majority of the guys-boys- are of a tion." : 9/5 WI"sh : G.U, guys are big talkers. To use the catholic background and this inhibits Breckfast at New South, "Hey Cutie, {r {l coined phrae, "they are all talk and no them sexually. Well girls, lets have you heard about bananas and {l {l action." recognize this and not waste our time. donuts? You and I, we could eat in t 9/11 : In light of the popular SIM move- Another common line offered is, style." {I T r i u mph 0 f the W t" J J ~ ment, the new liberated man, and sex- "I'm sorry if I have given you any "No thanks, my mother warned me:. : ual fantasies, what happens at false impressions, but 1, have a never to take small bananas." {r ~ Georgetown? Well, actually, nothing, girlfriend." So you walk home alone. Finally, if you are igven the classical {l 9/19 Tee n y Bun s {r Most guys here complain about the Basketball players are notorious for line, "Do you think wer could be jUst : : prudishness of girls, but have you ever this one. friends?" {l it took them up on an offer? They panic. The Women's Center believes that Remind them, "Friendship involves {r BI aZI" ng Stewardesses ~ They don't know what to do, These this non-productive attitude stems give and take." : : guys are quick with the speech and cute from the idea that most guys want to iI {l phrases but this is. a mere facade. A . have their cake and eat it too. Its about So the next time you hear some guy : (In Gaston Hall) : typical scene, "My years here at G.U. time we pointed out to these falsely bragging about his ability with women ~ if were lacking something till you came rhetoric Rogers, which end is up. Tile or complaining about the fickleness of {I if along." The guy seems ok, so you week following Easter break has been girls, remember, he probably wouldn't : 9/26 The F I" s h Th at : decide to have a go at it, and as soon as designated as "I'm tired of talking" even take the chance if he got it. Sex- ~ {l the relationship gets past the talking week. The staff at the C~nter is prepar- ual fantasies at Georgetown ... always : ~ stage, you find he's backing out. He's ing responses to some of the common to be fantasies. {l S av ed Pit t s bur9 h : nugs f J ~t nlnraust ~ i Here it is I Your chance to relive those horrible days Sixteen big tunes bring back that bygone era you : 10/3 P I" n k F I ami n 9 0 S : when good and evil were as real as the nose on your face! thought you could forget, on one long-playing album! {l -II . . {I ~ '"U ~tllllell Sle {l ~ YOU GET THESE SONGS! l(llItng !lit &IIftlU ~ {l lIarb Blre lJolka (!}f Blu HelllllrrJ..<lnlll!lhr : .I ews !\rr mite hslt!ne lilfe llllu lllln't Blfllll !\rounlJ JIIitIJ E1aus ~ 10/10 I n Search of Noah's Ark :{l !\prj!. <llWUII ~~ {I ~ Iltulke &c1!aCt\ illltere'lI 1\ Jlace J!or Us ·t : - HunllrrlJ IIIIlJltll (!}f .taua (!l11 Wile BaU 11 JIIollller DllJat mlJe )lut4rer JIIIIIII119 urlllllglJt (€atnjrtlltun i1u~ftll ~ 10/24 Bl k A TXT k ~ NotIj ll1!l &aus liouin'lilkt eomrtl!lng J!rolll illilt (l)uen : ac Waren(!SS J'r ee : 1!In~er :Su Skin @Illl't 110 ~t 1lilltt it~l1t Send Check or Money Order To: Capo ProductIOns : Blacula Whites - $2.00 : 1941 Lampshade Terrace {l Coloreds - 1.00 {l $8.95 For LP $10.95 . for 8-Track Dachau. Minnesota 52857 Tapes g. Superfly 'I: {l -II ~ {II ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~E 11/7 Roller Boogie i ~ ~ {l -II ~ -II "I can dream can't I?" i 11/18 Guyana Cult of the ~ : Damned : {l ~ ~ {l : 12/5 Santa Claus Conquers : : the Martians : {l ~ {l -II {I - to all SEC -II ~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~ It's a criIne what profits som.e people lDake frOID a telephone.

It seems some No, Billy_ You can't. huge corporations will Little Billy Murackas has Cargill-Largay, a disease that kills, maims, do anything to and sickens. And what's going to happen to Billy in the next few months squeeze another buck will not be pretty, as he slowly degenerates into what will look like a out of the public these well-picked over turkey carcass. , days. But what's saddest of all is that Billy's Mom and Dad ignored the They'll up rates on warning signs of Cargill-Largay until it was too late. The wearing of pay phones to 15 and pastel sweaters. Chronic ipsation.' A penchant for warm sunny places. 20 cents. They'll And so now its too late for the kid in the chair. charge you for infor­ But not for thousands of other little boys and girls. They need your mation. help. So send all you can to: They'll throw so much red tape your way that it can take weeks-to get a phone installed. The C-L Fund But be one day late in paying your phone bill, and they'll cut off 311 S. Barton Street your service before you can say "reverse the charges." And if you Arlington,\ VA 220204 still don't fork over, it could lead to an arrest. A stiff fine. A ruined military career. A jail sentence and a criminal record. Isn't it great to live in a country where you can get a stiffer Billy thanks you, even though he's had it. And if you're wondering sentence for not paying your phone bill than for pushing an old why he's smiling, it's because Billy's family is having Christmas in June lady onto the subway tracks? Where the FBI can spend countless this year. hours cracking down on people who use electronic devices to cut in­ Merry Christmas, Billy. to C & P's profits -but don't do a thing about child pornography? You lucky kid. Wait until the revolution, Ma Bell. You'll get yours. Give So More Will Live. A little longer. .@) c'C&P'T;i;;hM~n~; Of Help fight Cargill Largay. Page 4, Tbe BOYA. Tuesday. April 1. 1.980 ====~==~====~~==~.~~====~~====~==~======~======libel suit city hate mail 1C.1t~ Founded January 14, 1920 Sugar 'n'Spice

So now Georgetown is the battleground in the around you. Do you see anything remotely ap­ war against immorality. Now it is time for us to proaching innocence in the eyes of the women raise high the banners not only of Christianity you go to school with? C'mon. These chicks and Decency, but of feminism and humanism, know what's going on. Oh, sure, you girls in this issue that reaches much further than in· might fl(.t like you can't tell a vulva from a side the clothing of the women on this c~pus. Volvo, but let's be honest for a moment. You know what you want, and you take it when you Let us be blunt: We all know what's going OIl can. here. A famous "men's magazine" has come to our University in search of what they call And don't buy that stuff about romance, .~ "models". Hah. And Hah again. Models in­ either. Women just want men to think that they deed. are soft, cuddly, fragile creatures. Far from it; .. indeed, on the inside they're all steel; a Price, _ For as long as we remember, from even Waterhouse auditor looks like a syrupy before we snuck our first hurried look inside schoolgirl with a crush on Leif Garrett by com­ their trashy publication, they have photograph­ parison. ed every would-be starlet and Vegas showgirl " they could buy off, always passing off these pro­ And so we say no. It is wrong for girls on this fessional hussies to us as "the girl next door." campus to pose for the "Girls ofJesuit Schools" pictorial. And why? But then they ran out. And now they have Because when men open up their May issue, gone to the schools of America, into the and turn past the interview and the advice col­ classrooms and the dormitories and the locker­ umn and the fashion articles and the fiction and rooms and the closets, looking for girls who will get to the girls, they want to see that nymph-like pose unclad for the bed-time pleasure of ten quality of virginal lust. So what if they're just a million men for a few hundred dollars. picture. Men have to dream, too. We ask you: Is this right? ., No. It is not. So forget it, girls. Leave it to the professionals ., to help us populate men's fantasies. You're not For Playboy to come to Georgetown in search going to fool anybody. of the mythical innocent female is as futile as But don't worry. We can still be friends. Lack of Humor Becomes Epidemic searching for a kosher deli in Tehran. Look Right? We, the undersigned, would like to squirting carnations, palm buzzers, "What has baggy pants, a big red nose say a few words about the serious funny noses, etc.; and by calling for and was raised in a petri dish?" shortage of jokes which is now con­ fewer new episodes of situation com­ Answer: "Bozo the Clone." Or: I fronting this country. edies, with more commercials per "What do you do with a dog that has Everywhere you turn, our citizens show. He also had touted the use of no legs?"--"Take him for a drag." Greetings from Jowls in Sunny Italy .f are morose and taciturn. People are "jokahol" --consuming large quan­ The days are long-gone when we could tities of alcohol while viewing TV until expect a new Woody Allen movie twice Buon giorno from the land of da Lucky for us, Umberto's uncle knows Well, Umberto and Sister Maria hoarding Nationa1 Lampoon, Mad even Sheriff Lobo seems uproarious. a year. Vinci, Michelangelo Gucci (Of the Pope, so we were out by morning .. Therese are pulling at my sun tunic, so magazine, even Nancy comics. Vicious Clearly, however, more heroic ef­ We also have to explore new sources Course!), and now Yours Truly, 'I don't mind telling you that Yours I think I will repair to my private gym fights have broken out in the long lines forts c:re needed to halt this constant of humor such as dea,h, religion, Father Freeze. Your good Provost has Truly had quite a difficult time ex­ for am olive oil rubdown. I love you to our funny houses and night clubs. drain on our humor resources. suicide, Nazi concentration camps and been decorating our new villa up a plaining that to Tim Healy who was all. Arrivederci Georgetown. This President Carter has taken steps to conserve jokeS by levying a 10 cent sur­ For one thing, we must make greater physical deformities. We realize that storm with the most delicious patterns just arriving when I got back from the Florentine fling is just what I needed: slammer! charge on all novelty items such as use of lower 'grade jokers such as some people will find this distasteful. and designs. But life has not been all J. Donald Freeze But if we don't make sacrifices now, Gucci, Pucci, and good dry sherry. No there will be no jokes left for future indeedy. These Italians can be simply generations and our children's horrid, especially the religious ones. children will fall prey to dreary existen­ Why just the other day an emissary Bunch ofNo-Good Bellyachers Sound Off tialist philosophies. from the Vatican suggested that I Which brings us to the point of at donate my sherry and the villa to the his paid advertisement. poor and go and live among those To the Editor: To the Editor, To the Editor, To the Editor: $19,000. Father Freeze' may think that he's I just wanted to tell you Communist I think I belong in that land; We feel that the HOY A has acted ir­ slobs. If I did that, where could I wash responsibly in bringing out its annual my C. Klein jeans? . Mary Ann Haiford going to get away with this, but he's leftist homosexual Jew-loving anti­ Cuz they're offering me one hun­ not. I'll be damned if anyone else is American smart-ass egg-heads that dred grand. April Fool's issue. To the Editor: going to use up my precious travel come January 20th, the jig is up, and John Thompson At a time when the country is being Just among us friends, life has not $22,500. budget- if they think they can get you won't be able to hide behind that Ex-Celtic near great asked to conserve jokes, what right do been a tub of Chateau Lafite grapes, Michael MacPhee away with this, they should all be sent First Amendment crap any more. you have to publish an eight page 1947. Why, just the other day as I was on our London/Warsaw program. Think about it. To the Editor: broadside edition brimming with mirth strolling the piazzas of downtown To the Editor: Gretchen Carroll Ronald Reagan Have you guys no mercy? No sense and chockful of sidesplitting satire, Florence window shopping, a huge $250,000, plus new sneakers. Patrick Henry Rest Home of proportion or taste? I mean, you've outrageous puns, whimsical want ads crows gathered around me, and Craig Shelton To the Editor, La Jolla, California made fun of Jews, gays;' blacks, and even funny photo captions? jumped up and down excitedly around And that goes double for me. I Catholics, Our Lord, the Administra­ We hope that in the future, the me. They kept screeching La Col­ " To the Editor: haven't been kissing ass all over this' To The Editor, tion, your fellow students, that filthy editors of the HOYA will think twice iseum! La Coliseum! Well, I thought Look, we're in a bit of a bind over campus for the past five years to have Just a note to tell you how much I rag the Voice, and just about every before squandering America's this was a new peasant dance, and I here. We've lost the flats again, and my freedom of international travel in­ miss you all, as well as the good times other reputable group and individual precious humor resources. happily joined in. This really sent these poor Maria is in one of her tizzies. terfered with by a know-it-all V.P. and the crushing workload and the on campus. After all, the joke shortage is no creatures into a tizzy. It turned out Could we borrow some news again this who closely resembles Elmer Fudd. long hours and the lack of respect and How could you forget me? laughing matter. they had mistaken me for the Col­ week? And maybe a feature or two? And I thought life was bad with AI the lying and backstabbing and all the Rose Sincerely, iseum. Oh those siily Floretines! Kelley. Boy oh boy. bullshit with Debbie Gottfried ·and Grand Central Terminal We'd really appreciate it. Thanks. Pete Moss Compugraphic and all those N-grades. To the Editor: Social life is a drag here most of the Victoria Robinson Fr. Bradley Walter Lily the Void. It just hasn't been the same. time, but what do you expect from a Jim Nasium To the Editor, Ciao, It's still the same old story \' nation of papists. Last weekend, Adam Bomb P .S. Would you please take Bill Henry This is just to inform all my detrac­ Val A fight for love and glory though, I got my big 'chance. Umberto A case of do or die Bob Katz "Little Caligula"Vaselini, my back? tors that I have a resume as long as all Fiorucd, Italy your arms put together, and I didn't The world will always welcome neighbor at the next villa had a simply lovers Dennis Court smashing toga party to which any To the Editor: need to steal the Voice flats in order to To the Editor, If you guys thoughtI screwed you win the election-- I didn't even need to I don't know why you guys hate me As time goes by. Mike Raffone Florentine who was anyone came. It David Berkowitz Lota Nerve would have been a real blast, but the over, just imagine every Marriott win the election. So there. so much. I'm really a nice guy if you building in North America being Dave Goldwyn get to know me. Really. No, I'm really The Big Apple Paul Bearer Arab guests kepty tying their camels to Barb Weier me anytime I would stand still for equipped with a brand new Johnson serious. Really. Control System, at $750,000 a shot. Just About Anybody more than five mintues. It really got To the Editor: To the Editor, Frieda Wilmington X kinky at night when nine of the guests And Tim said Mormons were smart. I just wanted to thank you and the Georgetown University I'm just an ordinary student and I Danny Altebello Bertha Faye Nation unrolled their sleeping bags under my entire HOYA staff for your help in wanted to make my voice heard. Helen Damnation tunic. Their tent jokes began to wear Land of Oz, jsust off the Beltway. keeping all that unfortunate news To the Editor, Thank you. Eternal vigilance is the price of Audrey O'Visual thin, so I left in a tiff. about inflation and Iran and Diane Schlug Carrie A. Bigstick To the Editor: Afghanistan and Illinois out of the security. CAS '81 I can't wait to show off this wonder­ For a little less, you get us. Fairfield means never having to say news. You can imagine how bad it Mel PractIce ful villa to some of you folks from I'm sorry. would be for the country if they knew Charlie Lamb To the Editor, Georgetown. I don't think people Ben Dover AI Kelley, Head Poobah that the inflation rate was really 4OClJo, Whine whine. Bitch bitch. Moan realize how hard'I worked to swindle William Harry Melove F. U., Connecticut or about how our hostages were To the Editor, moan moan. Holly Unlikely, that old lady out of her last villa. I had slaughtered the first week by that craz­ How cOjlle"the basketball team gets Please take me back. R.U. Reddy to promise her the moon and my last To the Editor: ed fundamentalist crowd in Tehran. all the,aOuse? We're just as pampered Bill "Boomer" Henry case of Dom Perignon to convince her Noam Knott It's delightful, it's delovely, it's And I'm sure our boys fightL1g in and have just as little right to be here. Out In The Cold Harriet Upp to go to the 'Home for Burned Out Old delicious. Afghanistan appreciate your coopera­ Our scholarships are just as big, and Hags. But who's complaining. This Pat Britt tion in keeping our temporary incur­ we're just as arrogant a bunch as they To the Editor, villa sure beats that roach motel they Gary Kleinman sion there a secret for Just a little while are. And we don't even entertain Alright, alright. We're sorry. Now Will B. Late had me in at Copley Hall with all of Greg Walker longer. And I promise that after this is anybody with our antics. We're totally will you stop bothering us? Justin Thyme those disgusting bleedIng heart Bob Sitz all over we'll reward you guys useless. Ray D. O'Waves liberals. Mel Bell somehow. Thanks again. . So why no exposure? Why no The Jews Fred Errol Government 'lody coverage? Don't you guys have any P.S. We didn't take him seriously, and Penny Lane These wonderful facilities allow me sense of propriety? For Christ's sake, to provide my own entertainment for To the Editor: we knew him. Abbie Rhode Pain. Ultimate. Seagullsseagulls get on the ball, willya? Umberto and my other friends. We To the Editor: ., l.M. DeWalrus white bones of The Track Team had a big pool party last night, and let I am disgusted by your repeated in­ On the Run me put this in your ear: my head still death. And we have sinuations that all it takes to get ahead To the Editor, Simon Harvest Moone throbs from it. I stocked the pool bar no at Georgetown is to kiss ass like it was To The Editor, In an effort to uphold the spirit of Noah D. Posit with my finest blends of sherry and readers. going out of style. Did you know that the title to A SALT 11, we wanted to let you know Nora Turn three sisters invited as many 45 year olds I could Henry Fortunato Midsummer Night'S Dream is clearly we have unilaterally reduced the Yuri Pulsive find in Florence. I even had a few nuns Third Healy related to the practices of midsummer number of nuclear warheads aimed at Izzie Ever over. Don't let anyone fool you; night, tlie night before June 24, which Washington from 131 to 97. Ima Watt Brides of Christ swing a lot more than To the Editor: To the Editor: was the date of St. John the Baptist's And most of those are downtown. Carlotta Tendant Kremlin Warlord~ their rosaries. They know what I like. We are family. You have to like it, too. ' festival and hence connected with mer­ Otto Mechanic Gary Miller , John Carey rymaking, various superstistions and MoscoW, Russia Well, as I'm sure all you youngsters Sally Miller Second Healy folk customs, and would also have know, we elders like to have a little fun Tanya Miller suggested to Shakespeare's audience To the Editor, Ivan Hurran Hour too, and last night was no exception. Phil Miller To the Editor: the so-called "mid-summer madness", I don't think you've made enough Wanda Wendy Buscomes Umberto flung caution to the wind Stella Miller So life-like and supple, you may which was a state of mind marked by a fun of the Student Affairs office. I Kent Safersore and suggested that we have a wet. Wind Miller never want anything else. . heightened' readiness to believe in the mean, any area that calls Bill ~tott, Ellis A. Letter Anne Sullivan delusions of the immagination caused Bill Schuerman, and' Frank Rlenzo Amos A_ Toothpaste designer jeans contest, you know, a by working in the area of Student Af- their own has got to be, worth a few Frances N. Europe "Wet William" contest. Seams were To the Editor: fairs. snickers. In fact, I bet you can't find Jaye Walker popping, let me tell you. I don~t mind To the Editor: I'm a bitch, I'm the bitch, oh the I mean, people up here actually another department so full of' Robin Plunder telling you that I won, or at least I And I never even got to use the bitch is back; stone cold sober as a think we produce something tangible. - goof-offs. Talk about Tool City. Holden M. Hostage would have if the police hadn't come. sauna. matter of fact. ' 0 what fools these nudnicks be. , Bill Miller Warren Forest Arrest Yes, I said police. Big oafish brute~ Fr. Gerald Yates Muffy Potter I ' Bill Stott Department 0/ Minutae Skip Towne took us to jail for disturbing the peace. P.S. ~y neck is better now. Grant's Tomb Bird Sanctuary New South & Prof. Marcuson A. Curve Tuesday, Aprlll, 1980, The HOYA Pase 5 bill henry Warner Brothers Release New Hoya ,iProduction

by X. Bill Henry disappointing "R" rating, the mun­ quences filmes at the Iranian Embassy. Embassy. This scene is shown In the • VOICE CUB REPORTER dane dialogue and phantom plot will One cheerleader said, "I called my first critical minutes of the flick to satisfy even the most indiscriminating mother and I said 'I'm in a movie' and leave a big impression of college life on Over the last seven years, moviegoer. she said 'That's good." The the audience. One of my good friends Georgetown University has wallowed Good Girls... offers the inside story cheerleader later stated that her at the Islamic Center, Mohammed, in hefty profits, not only from the of the cheerleading squad of a mother did not fully understand the said, "I was scared." -astronomical tuition,' but also from prestigious university located in a ma­ complexity of the situation. GUPS is presently considering legal Hollywood returns. In 1973 The Exor-' jor American city. Their babbling fool The flick has many big fine strong­ action against GU for not being used cist broke all box office records spor­ of a pot-bellied advisor is played points like Rienzo's dancing in the in this big flick. Warner Bros. stated ting Linda Blair in various obscene superly by Bob Fosse. Fosse sputters lockerromm. He is colossal in this that GUPS officers were wanted, but poses, a mellow soundtrack of filth' and drools effectively over his lines: mammouth undertaking. The dialogue at the time of shooting, none could be and smut, and much good anti-clerical his performance will make every col­ is also first rate: "Where are my found. Father Freeze reached at the dialogue. These ingredients provide lege student readily believe that he is a sneakers? Nope. Pass the salt please. University's Villa in Fiesole, Italy had the right recipe for big profits for university administrator. After Madre de todos los ninos. Huh? Do no comment on the matter. Warner' Bros., the Catholic Church, rigorous practice sessions, the you think? McDonald's anyone? You 'SEC is competing with American and several top Jesuit administrators. cheerleaders return to their off­ spent twenty dollers in Safeway! Film Institute for the DC premiere: However the recently released flick, campus townhouses and sooth their Frankly my dear I don't give a damn." HOYA criti(: breaks another record Good Girls, Don't, but aches and pains with heavy doses of Cheerleaders... featuring the entire drugs, alcohol, and Doonesbury. This bxpose: GU cheerleading squad will undoub­ metaphor of excessive work leading to tably surpass all Exorcist records. The moral decay is most obvious in this flick will unquestionably be the winner flick. Shallow Ratings Plague Record Biz of fifteen Academy Awards, thirteen The plot thickens as the squad The greatest fault with today's critics is Subsequent attempts to coax the Now that's craftsmanship. Golden Globes, and the Director's checks into their ritzy hotel for the big superficiality. When they get albums disc into heavier-than-air flight proved However, a real classic must stand Guild for Unemployed Directors game and begins partying at once. to review, some bozos'll just run equally futile. Hell, I couldn't even get the test not only of severe stress but Award. It is a rare treat of well handl­ Hotel security quickly gets wise to through the contents and reprint the it to skip off the ground. The last time lalso extreme climatic change. ed slime. Although only obtainig a their debauchery and house detectives ad hype without even removing the I tried this, the record slammed into a Therefore, I took the Sousa cut over to catch them red-handed throwing wet cellophane. lamppost and shattered into a jillion Harbin, locked it in the microwaqve Mid-Day Arts: toilet paper balls from their sixteenth But you're doing a service to your pieces. They were sharp, too, and oven and set it on Vulcanize. I had to story window, disbanding the drug readers unless you cover the record while picking them up I cut myself on handle the record with potholders for party, Their advisor, who stepped out from all angles: flight stability, the frickin' thing. three days afterward, but the disc sur­ to visit the local red light district misses cleavage, wind resistance and thermal This is so irresponsible. Do these vives, with minor scratches, to this Cafe Treat. the action as three girls are hauled expansion. record companies think before sending day. GU Center Director Pat Metz is pro­ away by police. The flick ends on a Keeping this in rilind, I began my this junk to unsuspecting reviewers? Oh, yes - out of curiousity, I finally ud to announce auditions for the Mid­ dramaticly ironic note as the advisor career as a record reviewer for The Why, if it got into the hands of got around to playing the thing on a Day Arts Series Wednesday in Healy returns to the university and publicly HOYA with a real clatter platter from children, they'd be cut to ribbons. I've : phonograph, and the Sousa Band Basement from 4:17-5:07 . Metz has condemns the cheerleaderes for "sog­ the folks at Crystal Records: Miles got a good mind to call up Mr. Miles sounded like a cross between Revolu­ been influential in shifting the Series gying" but does not criticize their true Anderson Plays His Slide Trombone. Anderson and tell him what he can do tion No.9 and Morris the Cat being from Healy Program Room to the offence of heavy drug use. His appeal GU Squad reaches new heights Gingerly lifting the disc from its with his slide trombone. neutered sans anesthesia. Cafe. She feels that as the result of re­ to the school newspaper staff to hush All in all, the dialogue is snal-py, cover flap to avoid scratching the Well, on the next album: Wagner's But whaddya expect for $'." and all cent renovations the Cafe can handle up the story is a big success until one brilliant, and almost surrealistic. The smooth black vinyl, I rose from my Ride of the Va/kyries (Berlin Ensem­ the program: "I've just installed a maverick reporter gets wind of the screenplay will be the winner of thir­ desk, poised myself in a passable im­ ble). The jacket was pretty: a picture microphone with no one else's con­ story and releases it to the students. teen Academy Awards, and Rienzo itation of the Discus Thrower, and of some fat broad wearing hub caps sent. " Most cheerleaders portray will be made the new GU vice­ whipped the record off the east wall of for a brassiere. I'd really like to cue Metz is looking forward to the themselves in this cinematic wonder, president. There is much talk of also my office. A large chunk of vinyl tore you in on this LP, but on their maiden counter as the new location because retaining their own first names in the given the Brooklyn Bowler Tourna­ itself from the record's perimeter and flight the Vaalkyries got stuck in a tree the mike is not used for anything else. dialogue. One bouncy blonde Candy, ment trophy to the squad. came to rest on the plush carpeting at and they're still up there for all I Metz has placed all her hope in the gives a remarkable performance of a Of course, the flick will be a big my feet. know. program in order to justify her in­ hedonistic freshman who believes that treat for GU students as they will see Not verly impressive so far. After these bad experiences, I must curable inclination towards ex­ "the only thing worth living for is their campus sprawled out on the silver As the beautiful spring weather was confess that my hopes were not high travagant, frivilous expenditure. The weed and the hope of a Beatles reu­ screen. Cameo performances are given beckoning me outside, I decided to in­ for my third and last album: Cornet weekly schedule for the Series will be: nion." Her male counterpart is Richie by many G'town notables. My col­ dulge in a little ultimate frisbee and Solos by Herbert L Clarke and the who cajoles the advisor into booking league, H. Kissinger speaks via satellite maybe pick off some more of those Sousa Band. However, as it turned Monday at sunrise: yodellers him in a room with three girls, The with an ailing deposed monarch in goddam pigeons_ I took the platter out out, I was pleasantly surprised. Tuesday: kazoo players onlty seemingly virtuous squad Cairo, A certain, celebrated Hoye'tte to Copley Lawn, spun myself around Seizing the vinyl, I proceeded to the Wednesday at 7:00: Bobby Sherman member is Harry whose ambition is the (P.B.) wails with the Gu Pcp Band in a like a dervish and let fly. The disc rose testing grounds and let fly. The disc Impersonators priesthood. He has his eye on' the heart rendering version of the fight ten feet in the air, did a belly flop and sailed the length of Copley lawn, Thursday (pre-season only): Jesuits, a big money-grubbing order, song. Also, Pebbles is seen trying to nosedived back to terra firma, like one smacked the flagpole, went careening Walt Kramer Rivals Many GU administrators and swipe some of those Center Cafe of those flimsy paper plates you hand off Copley wall and conked an c:lderly Friday before 7:30: Gong Show , students commented on this big new goodies from the counter; however, out at barbecues. Jebbie in the skull before coming to flick. Francis X. Rienzo, director of his plan is foiled by the watchful eye of Well, the Wammo people won't rest under the wheels of a departing In case of insufficient turn-out, the GU athletics, asked stratching himself, Cafe GM Jeraldine Kraver. About 700 have to worry about any competition GUTS bus. Cafe reserves the right to use its own "What movie?" Prof. Ricks was very GU Students were used used at the from this label. Upon closer examination, there' Disco: The Final Solution employees in the Series. excited about ito-especially the se- staged protest in front of the Iranian wasn't even a chip in it.

• _0" "A gre'a"t movie. Everyone who dresses like me should see it." --Bill Henry, Georgetown Voice. He is tacky. He is obnoxious. He is arrogant. Every woman wants him. No one knows why.

Every woman wants to caress his Quiana aloha shirt and fondle his shiny, green leisure suit. RESTRICTED Joe Cammarata in "Polyester Gigolo." A Francis X. Rienzo Not Recommended for Prepubescents or Rational Production. Directed 'by Tony' Salazar ,and Tom Zaccaro. Human Beings 1l~ Sports

Page 6, The HOYA, Tuesday, April 1, 1980 GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY, GUYANA, S.A. Vol. No, Mark Eastern Final Thrown by Hoyas thousands of dollars in cash, several by Walter Melon "hubris", Of' the inate superiority of been here, which has been since 1964, large cars, and an undisclosed amount Big Ten basketball. when JFK was killed .. er, Imean HOYA Race Reporter of "labratory-grade cocaine", in ex­ Reaction to the news was swift. elected ... " Rierenzo then left, begging The .HOYA has learned that the change for letting the Iowa guards go Coach John "Money -Is-No­ off, as he was scheduled to attend the Federal Bureau of Investigation will unguarded after halftime. The source Object" Thompson said: "These boys national convention of Retarded reveal this week that the Georgetown indicated that by focusing in the two have worked hard all year, and now Athletic Directors, of whom he is a University basketball team conspired Hoya "stars, the undrworld figures after a season where they went 26-6 probationary member. to throw the NCAA Regional Final hoped to minimize chances 0 f you're going to give them a hard time The Black community was incenced against the mediocre Iowa Hawkeyes. discovery of their dastardly plan. about trying to secure their futures and by the charges. BSA Commisar Bill The Hawkeyes won that game 81-80, In addition, some kind of payment those of their families?" Thompson Morton stated: "We must determine after trailing by as many as fourteen was made to other, supporting, players stroked the deflated basketball he what this means for the Black ex­ points well into the second half of when it became clear that Iowa would always keeps on his desk whenever he perience, and how the Black ex­ play. . have a hard time figuring out which has an interview. "Y'know, there's perience can profit by it. And," con­ The FBI investigation, basing its fin­ end of the court to defend. Although more to life than basketball. And if tinued Morton, "Somebody has got to dings on wiretaps, wild hearsay, and the source remained silent as to these you want me to stay in this hell-hole figure out why the brothers got dod­ rumor, found that underworld figures additional bribes, NCAA officials in­ with a gym that's a disgrace to a decent dlysquat and those white guys get all had paid off several members of the dicated that a Kentucky Fried Chicken high school, then I would layoff these the booty. I mean, those guys can't team to insure that a second Big-Ten franchise had been mentioned as part kind of accusations, true or not." even dribble the ball." team would make the Pianl Four. A of the overall deal. None of the players could make a Reruns of the game have shown that highly placed source told this reporter Before this latest announcement by comment. while Iowa did make a miraculous that stand-out hoopsters John "Throw the so-called "HOOPSCAM" unit of Athletic Director Frank Rierenzo comeback against an obviously it up and pray" Irwin and Terry the FBI, the Iowa loss had generally was characteristically candid: superior team, Fenlon and Irwin had "Lead-Feet" Fenlon were given been blamed on either "bad luck", "Nothing happened. Nothing. I didn't little to do with either the Hoya's suc­ see anything. These kids are great. We cess or their failure in containing the n...!10.-';''''''. i.; , strive for excellence here, and taking impotent Hawkeye attack. When ask­ bribes and things that you people in ed about this, underworld figure Sam­ -~ Sports Shorts Sport~ Shorts· the press think up when you're sniffing my (Sammy) Veruciao said, "Hey, we .( A""~ ~ "," ,...I' "- . -"',/r"..·. Bill "LB." Auth, University sycophant, with a kernel of corn. heroin are presenting a false front to really don't care who wins or loses, as -.~ " .,..;.-- '* 't'" . ,., ? "fftI!" ~hotographer, was dismissed from his caught in his dentures and his coat the good people who love Georgetown long as good Italian kids are gettin' a athletics, as well as alumni. Nothing piece of the action you know what I .. t.~ - ,/' to.. """~ '":: - ,...... , 'ob for indecent exposure following sleeve dangling in the plate of cole slaw and Irwins celebrate payoff at post-game get together. he Maryland-Georgetown game on at his side. like this has ever happened since I've mean?" March 14. The AD's speech was interrupted by Auth reportedly quaffed 25 cans of a great tumult when it was revealed ~hiltz Malt Liquor before the contest that the coupons for the free Double-R Thompson Jilts Okies, Leaves Hilltop For NEe 'land in his resulting mindless stupor Burger, which Rienzo's ilIerate assis­ by Frieda Slaves [forgot to take the cap off his lens. As a tant Jeff Fogelson had clipped out of !i0YA Affirmative Achon Reporter duct to backing up his salary and fr­ and muskrats. Thompson, according to the Post esult, five rolls of film were ruined the HOY A, expired March 16 and half GU Hoop Coach John Thompson . inge benefits. I've realized all along article, will be taking his staff and new · and the highlights of Georgetown's the guests would have to pick up their stunned the sports world yesterday by that sometime the right offer at the In their only meeting, two years ago, , 75:69 .. victory were completely lost to own tabs. right place would come along, and I Georgetown eked out a narrow 80-30 recruits for next year along with him. announcing that he will leave Asked whether he and his players posterity. When order was restored, Ricnzo Georgetown next season to take over suppose this is it." victory over the Pilgrims in the waning Auth disappeared shortly before the found that his incessant drooling had Some inside sources were skeptical moments of the fourth quarter. would have any trouble adjusting to the reins of the basketball program at . the sticks of New Hampshire (where ; ~ame ended. An extensive search final­ pasted. the remaining pages of his New England College in Hennecker, that NEC would live up to y turned up the alleged child molester speech together. He therefore conclud­ Thompson's expectations, inasmuch Thompson could not be contacted 90' of the population has never en- New Hampshire. despite the persistent efforts of the ~leeping off his drunk in the baggage ed his addess and sat down on top of as it has an enrollment of 1,683 and a Only three days earlier, Thompson HOYA, which consisted of elbowing ompartment of the team bus. the steaming cup of coffee which he had turned down a $120,000 per year basketball team composed entirely of countered a Jew or Hispanic, let alone Ironically. only the past month had placed on his chair during one of white-Anglo-Saxon protestants whose Voice Sports Editor Mark Gittleman an actual colored person), Thompson head coaching slot at the Unive.sity of at dinner in Marriot and asking, lAuth had been named University Vice his frequent excursions to the men's Oklahoma, leading observers to tallest player, Deke "Redwood" replied, "Hell no, the fresh air and President for Pictorial Essays. He room. Unseld, towers 6 feet 2 inches above "Hey, you seen Big John since he mountain scenery should replace the assume' mistakenly that the former struck paydirt, huh?" spent most of his time puttering about You should have been there. Celtic near-great held some things in sea level. cocaine and kiddie porn after a his rodent-infested darkroom, as peo­ •••••••••• The Pilgrims, as the team is called, The ex-Hoya coach, however, was while." life more important than crass quoted in yesterday's Post as saying pie' often mistook him for a squash Tragedy struck Sports Information monetary gain. have compiled a 16-94 record in Divi­ court and tried to reserve him for 5:00 Director Jim Marchione last week sion III play over the past five years. that he had taken basketball as far as it The HOY A was unable to fing out could go at Georgetown and was seek­ "Elk and caribou will roam the when he wandered outside. when fire gutted his dilapidated how NEC (which is known in some Recruiting in the past has centered forests, and game will be plentiful." •••• _***. Southeast Washington tenement, chiefly around the metropolitan area ing new challenges. "I'm a do-er, and circles as "Not Exactly College") had I like that," Thompson reportedly "GU Athletics: 20 Years of Obse­ destroying his wardrobe of triple-knit of Hennicker, N.H., which has a succeedcd where the Phillips said. ~uious Fawning" was the them of polyester suits, his coloring books, and Petroleum Company had failed. population of 2,348 including squirrels peorgetown's annual athletic awards his beloved collection of play dough However, high-level officials said Ibanquet, held last Friday evening at figurines. that Thompson's contract includes a he local Roy Rogers restaurant While waiting for the claims ad­ six digit yearly income, unlimited · because the basketball players love ~o juster to arrive, Marchione took up recruiting expenses, an ermine-lined wear the paper cowboy hats. temporary residence in the garage of office, and a commitment to build a The keynote address of the evening Assistant Athletic Director and social $30 million sports complex in the mar- i r,vas delivered by Athletic Director indesirable Jeff Fogelson. After he There ain't no Good Guys. shlands of the Granite State. .' Francis X. Rienzo, who nervously ad­ had cribbed out, however, Fogelson's "It doesn't startle me that he's leav­ 'usted his bargain basement toupee wife came home early with the ing,", one Georgetown official said · ~nd straightened his lobster bib as he groceries and backed the family'S today. "People now are realizing what There ain't no Bad Guys. ~tepped to the podium. corrosion-ridden 1957' Studebaker we've known all along about John as a "Ever since John F. Kennedy stated over Marchione's pup tent. coach. But we can't get into a bidding his Physical Fitness program back in Doctors expect the tire tracks to war for him, especially now that the 1963 ... uh, I mean 1965 ...maybe it was wear off Marchione's back in about governor of New Hampshire has com­ BJ " droned the overbearing leprous three. weeks. mited the state's gross national pro- t------~------T I Ever hear yourself say, "Hey, it's all relative"? I !What Are You Looking.For In A Career? I Well, you were right. I I There isn't any ultimate authority for things I Glamour ... excitement ... unlimited traveling ex- nowadays. lpenses... and intrigue? I No Right or Wrong. Just better or worse. ·1 Or a good pension plan and no heavy lifting? : The State Department has a place for everyone! To : find out whether you have -the potenti.al to conduct US Mostly worse. I foreign policy, just fill in the missing letters to five the Iname of a major world religion: J I Used to be, of course, that there were things you could always count on: a loving, benevolent Go~, Heaven and Hell, ~ ohn Wayne. IS__ M I But that's all over. Now we realize that we were hosmg ourselves I w1;ten we thought that there was an answer to ever~ q~estion, that Clues: I things really would make sense sooner or later. Nothing IS sure these *This religion was founded by the prophet Mahomet in I days except that human life is essentially meaningless. the 7th centry AD. : That's where we come in. The American Nihilism Association. We think part of the problem is that we are trying to live contingent *It currently has over 500 million adherents. I lives with a moral system based on absolutes. After all, isn't it pretty J *It is the official ,religion of the Islamic Republic of I silly to keep invoking the' idea of an Absolute Objective Reality or a Ground of Being when it's pretty obvious no one takes Him serIously I Iran.. . I as anything but a ten-point question on a theology test? Instead, I *In today's changing world, ignorance of this major I why not just accept the fact that everything you will ever do won't make a bIt of difference in the long run'? Look, It could be a lot worse. I faith is lammentable! Any US ambassador not familiar l You could have never been born at all. Asit is, you've got a few with its tenets is lambasted in the press! fleeting years to wonder why you were lucky enough to end-Up a self­ I conscious entity, as op'posed to, say, a puff of interstellar gas or an , automatic lawn sprinkler. After you've Wracked your brains, just mail in your So think about it. And if it really bothers you, give us a call. We answer along with your name and address to: can show how to deal with your intrinsic worthlessness. It's easy once you know how. And you might feel better. Famous Foreign Service School Not Good, of course. But better. Georgetown University 36th & Prospect Street r Washington, DC 20007 I . I Nihilism.There's nothing to it.©

Or drop by our offices yourself and see our illuminate I The American Nihilism Association globe. Tell them Dean Krogh sent you. I 1703) 521·5461 ~------~------~