GU Attacks Grade Inflation

-by the grace of Mr. Bell

Volume: 30 Ibs. SOMEWHERE IN SOUTHERN ITALY During the Early Renaissance GU Attacks Grade Inflation

GU Median Grade Average Georgetown Easy Lay Faculty A 8+ And Jesuit Teachers Conclude 8 take courses which they ordinarily by Ed u.K. Shun gram was going by mid-May, he C+ At a press conference yester would order the Registrar to wouldn't? All the world isn't a day, an unusually animated Fr. lower the grades on all active Paul Ello course, you know!" C Robert Henle announced that he transcripts by one full letter opined the sli~htly demented was declaring war on grade infla grade. "The rules" said Henle, professor. 0+ tion. "The party's over," the "allow me to do it, and by God I Student reaction to the an· University Prexy said. just might!" nouncement could hardly be con o Henle's opening statement in During the press conference, a sidered favorable. Pietro Malatesta cluded the comment, "I am visibly shaken Academic Vice (C '76) commented: "They ought F greatly disturbed by the pheno President Fr. Aloysius P. Jelly sat to take the guy who thought of ~ L L , , I I L J I I menon of grade inflation. It' motionless, mumbling at times: this and hang him from the 1789 1815 1881 1188 1898 1912 19111 1Jf32 1941 less 1988 1975 cheapens the worth of a George "He's making a big mistake, why highest yardarm in the British town University diploma. I feel would anyone want to come here Fleet." Echoing his sen timents, Henle's Mandate 81 II that the speediest way to remedy unless they could do well?" Francesca DiRimini (GUNS of A the condition is to make it When asked by a probing august) stated, "Who the hell does perfectly clear to all professors reporter from the Voice whether that strange-eollared son of a 8+ and members of the academic Fr_ Ryan would do such a thing, bitch think he is?" staff that I simply will not Henle exploded: "You little Only Juan Peron (SFS '62) was 8 ninny, don't you realize that tolerate inflated grades. A "e" optimistic. "Maybe since Henle C+ means average, and I expect to St'e Ryan would have flunked every has put a quota of 10 per cent on a lot of them from now on." one and replaced you all with all 'A' grades, guys Iik~ Gibert, C Further proving that he meant students from St. Peter's and Cortez and Vixnins will feel \ what he said, Henle stated, "I Seattle?" compelled to give something near 0+ have imposed a maximum of 10 Professors Richard Duncan and 10 per cent of their students A's, per cent 'A' grades in all classes, James Hunter vowed to fight a instead of the present 2 pe r cen t." o and I have made it plain to all rear-guard action. Hunter stated, A mass student demonstration professors that I want to see at "I have never given less than a 'B' is planned for sometime in June. F least 15 per cent of all students in my life and I don't plan to start Watch for further announcements. out-and-out flunking. I want F's. now." Duncan, expressing his 1975 1976 1977 1978 1979 This is the only way that the view that Fr. Henle was "slightly Foundations and all prospective in his cups" when he made the employers are gOing to get confi fateful decision to declare war on dence back in the worth of a GU grade inflation, said, "T.S., which FCC O.K.'s GU's WGTB diploma." of course means 'tough stuff.' Henle said that if he wasn't Look, without the lure of grades, satisfied with the way the pro- how do you expect students to To Grace Hot Airwaves by Fred j;rrol Government like this has happened since some foub)ect any of its citizens to the The Federal Communications idiot out in Kansas tried to abide ravings of Rich Cilvotkin.'· Commission yesterday ordered by the Nixon Fairness Doctrine." "Even if it is done strictly in the University to re-open its Student representative to the accordance with due proces.<.." tht' controversial Alternative Radio GBT review board Rick Haas top court continued, "such ob· Station WGTB and to re-instate refused comment on the matter. viously partisan and meaningl!'s~ the entire staff. Bragging over his victory, pronouncimientos are not only an The order came in the wake of Sleezeman said, "Smut is a very insult to the intelligence of f>\pn a Supreme Court decision in a suit personal thing. The hired mercen thosf> in the business school but filed by ex-ex-statlOn manager aries of the Inquisition who run also constitute cruel and unusual Ken Sleezeman. The court ruled this University get muy bummed punishment. " in Sleezeman's favor, declaring over the slightest mention of sex Sports Information Director that profanity did not constitute or bodily organs, but have no Fran X. Conners reacted bitt .. rl~ sensitive language and that ignor objections whatsoever to the in· to the deciSion, crying: "Brpak ance is a form of intelligence. credible amount of religion that is out the rain coats." Student representative to the GTB dumped on the airwaves. To my Student Body President Bob review board Rick Haas refused mind Parish is the most vulgar "Descartes" Gage has prom,-;,·ci comment on the matter. word in the English language." to start something with thp FCC FCC official Ray D. O'Waves The socially concerned fighting and has ('ven at this writing said that the commission took the young activist added cryptically, already formed a committp,·. action because it felt "more filth "Mary is a four letter word." headed by Rick Haas, to look lilt II was clearly needed. Things 'were mu~ntrepre~ntatiwtoGTB the matter. becoming too clean. Of course, review board Rick Haas knifed a The University also has madt· the commission beats its breasts HOY A reporter seeking comment clear its intention to oppose tilt' about '~nsitive language,' but~e on the matter. FCC orders. Director of StUdPllt didn't expect anyone to take us Additionally the court banned Activities and Pro from Dover Jeff seriously. They must have a real the airing of any Georgetown Fogelson has vowed to freeze tilt' bunch of winners up at that basketball games on constitutional FCC's budget unless it rescinds it, school." grounds, holding that "the state orders 'or adds more students to Elated GTB staffers welcome Sleezeman back. O'Waves added that "nothing has no legitimate authority to its staff. P... 2 TheHOVA Thur-'rv,~1 1,1976 Leslie Appoints Self Prexy 66Best Candidate Chosen" by Ed Rogo Zinski at Macke." Every GU student changes will make the rest of the In a surprise move today, Jack will now have to take Flow Charts country stand up and take notice Leslie nominated himself to re 101, a course illustrating how flow of GU. They will realize the kind place outgoing University Presi charts affect everyone in ev~ry of Jesuit education we're offering dent Robert J. Henle, SJ. Leslie, walk of life, from Roto Rooters development of the total person former SG president and part-time to housewives. Students will now ality." hairstylist, stated that his main be able to major and obtain Leslie also has made some key goal as University President will Master Degrees in flow charts. To administrative changes. Daniel be "to get my picture in Vogue head his new Flow Chart Aca Altobello has been replaced by a magazine. " demic Department, Leslie has three month old helping of Speaking from his plush bache hired the trainer of the Chicago Shepherd's Pie. Altobello has been lor apartment atop the Little Bulls. "He is very weD qualified," promoted to assistant towel Tavern on M Street, Leslie, stated Leslie, "except for the fact cleaner in the sauna in Mc fashionably attired in a maroon that he can't speak English or read Donough Gymnasium, r~placing Nehru jacket and love beads, or write." George Houston, who is now in outlined "Five Year Plan-Number Leslie expressed deep anger charge of snipping out Jesuit nose Eight," his long-range plan for the over the fact that G U did not hairs in Gervaise Building. Due to University: "All kinds of fund have the tennis tournament this the unfortunate demise of Tony raising activities will be stopped. year. "To make it up to the Macke, who was drowned in a vat Fund raising was Father Henle's students, however, I'm going to of cream of mushroom soup by greatest problem_ If we ignore it, initiate the first annual George Miro "The Tongue" Mangialasci it may go away." town University Open next year-a and Rico "The Stick" Hemor Citing lack of communication professional golf tournament held rhoido, GU now has a new food as another major problem facing on Kehoe Field." Leslie also has a service-Montezuma's Revenge GU, Leslie stressed the impor committee looking into the pos Caterers. tance of flow charts. "We need sibility of a 30-lane bowling alley The new president also has Jack Leslie, looking over the field of Presidential Candidates. "Clearly more input. I want input from and Olympic-size swimming pool decided to replace the John the best choice," our hero says. everybody-even the cockroaches in Healy basement. Carroll statue in Healy Circle As a visible example of his new (which has been renamed Leslie administrative policy, Leslie has Plaza). "It was getting out hired a professional decorator to moded," explained Leslie, The , completely redo the campus. Carroll statue will be replaced by Georgetown Fires Pebs Healy building is going to have a statue of Leslie looking at pink aluminum siding covering its himself in a mirror. facade. The Quad is going to be In a related move, the hands of Students Cry "Dummies" made into a salt water aquarium. the clock in Leslie Tower on top Dahlgren Chapel will have Iirrle of the Leslie Building have been b.Y Little Ricky Riccardo lawyers and an interpreter. When stopping in front of Fr. Henle's green llama shag carpeting. Lauin permanently removed because the Raymond Medley, better asked where he would go now, office. With the crowd calling for ger is going to be made into a remodeling in Leslie Hall is never known as "Pebbles" to thousands Pebbles responded, "To the Pub." the "Dummy" to come out, a five-story blacklite room. "These going to be completed .... of Georgetown students and alum One of Pebbles' consellors mistaken Jeff Fogelson, head of ni, was fired Tuesday from his job announced that Pebbles will most Student Accounts, thought that Committee with the University maintenance likely sue the school, "throwing he was being called to the phone for the Re-election department. A massive protest was himself on the mercy of the court and was knocked to the ground of the Presiderlt 1101 ~1 .... 'nVA"IA .VlNUI ". 'III W."UNGfOH D ( 100CM '2021 J~J-"20 held by sympathetic supporters of or whatever else is around when upon entering the hall. the former employee. he drops from drunkenness." A candlelight protest has been Apnl 2, 1972 A protest march was staged scheduled for tonight in the Quad Fr. Robert Henl~, S.J. Most University officials and Pr(>bldent members of the Jesuit community yesterday afternoon by more than (BYOB). A collection will be GeOI'Ketown Un1Vt'r~lty declined comment, although one 300 student followers. Pebbles, taken for Pebbles' benefit, since Wa~hlnglon. D.C. 20007 knowledgeable source believes yelling "Walk this way," led a the University claims that Pebbles lk-ar Boh: that Pebbles was a victim of a closely-bunched procession that "is not qualified for unemploy I Just wantt'd to thank you for YOUI ·'tH'hlnd t ht' ~{t'nc· ... " ('t tOI t" power struggle. With Fr. Renle then staggered and swayed begin ment compensation since he really In hehdlf of PrPhldrnt Nlxon'h I(>-~l('ctlun (3mpalgn. leaving office, his successor's tran ning at John Carroll's statue, wasn't fired from any job. We Back wh('n tho&€ two tw(>rp~ from the "Wa~hln",ton Po~t" and all 01 thos£' F.B.t. agl:nt~ were ~nooplng around nur oiillt'''', sition to the post was feared continuing throughout the streets can't figure out what job he really I can't t('ll you what a relIef It wa~ that you took OU) mUl--t ~en~ltlv(> flIt's and put them In your ~afl: at G£'Ol'lo:ctown UnIV(')~lt} hampered by loyalties to Pebbles of Georgetown and finally did." Maury Stan~ told me that If tho~e fll~~ evel fell I11to the among the elites of the adminis· wrong hands, the ('ampalJ.tn would b£' OV(,l' and wf"d all be WO)klllg tration. the rock pIle: J am not undel·~tatlng the ('ahe when I ~ay that were It nllt for Fr. Ed Glynn, SJ told 'TIle your cOUrageOUh 8<.tlOO", In hehalf of our (ru.,.ade, ttl(' Pr(' ..... ldent'..., HOY A, "We needed a new broom_ campaIgn .. ould be In rt'al Jeopardy. As a matter of fact, we just plain ~J Yesterday afternoon I spoke with the PreSIdent about naml.ng you to be Commissioner of EducatIon, the appOIntment to be needed a broom. Have you seen Made soon after the InauguratIon. ThE" President, of cOUl'be. the condition of the places where remember~ your actlvitlcb in our behalf, and hf> wIshe~ to express his gratItude in a concrete way He seemed extremely Pebbles was supposed to have receptive to the l.dea and promIsed to giY~ it hIS per~onal cleaned?" a t tent i on

A press conference was held on Of cour~e, if there IS anythIng turthf'r that I {'an do tor you, plcase do not hesitate to contact me. I fully antICIpate Healy lawn by Pebbles, two that I'll be here untIl the Nove.ber election.

By the way, Mr&. MItchell has asked me to send along her STUDENTS NEEDED TO HELP IN regards to you and Mrs. Henle. EXPERIMENT. "Laser Bill" Thaler wants to shoot laser beams through Sincer-;;.' ,,~ your toe-nails Pay is $2.50 per dozen holes Purple Heart IS included with ~N. Mitchell, every three dozen holes, and with Cbairaan ot the COlUnittee. nine dozen a pair of track shoes with Screaming "Rum, Romanism and Rum," irate Pebbles supporters prosthesis where toes should be. stagger and stumble to petition the "No. 1 Dummy" at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue." WANTED: De_ of aHideDce We APPL Y to be a Vice President For Student Diverse. urban university located JOBS AVAILABLE in Washington. D.C. is DOW accpetinll Development applications for the poeition of Dean of Residence Life, In addition to over The job requires no intelligence, no tact, no phYSi seeing the housing facilities for 4.000 cal attributes and best of all, no need to do any undergraduate students. duties include: work at all! Georgetown Bar & Grill • making tolcen appearances at Room selection time. Qualifications: Ability to generate huge number of • refurnishing and moving resi memoranda containing absolutely no substance. If interested, stop by dence life office furniture • hiring a88istant and allllOCiate Must be willing to rely entirely on Presidential favor or if you have any queries, deans to do your work for you to keep job. Qualifications: grade school teach.. call us. ing experience requested. but not ..... quired. Thursday, April 1, 1976 The HOYA P.3 Even THE Greatest Need a Break Today Today Fr. Madden announced incorporated into the service and I a McDonalds will move into don't see any way in hell that you Dahlgren Chapel. The food chain can get pepper into a church. will be located in the southeast Another group on campus has corner of the chapel for easy joined the protest against McDon· access. Mc Donald officials havE' aids. However, they are not agreed not to put the arches on totally against the idea of an the actual building but to install alternative to Macke on campus. them by the front gates on thirty They did note Dahlgren's central seventh street location as perfect for somE' kind of food service but preferred to An immediate protest was see a BurgE'r King there instead. raised over the movE' centering It was claimed by the group around the more conservativ(' and that Burger King is of highE'r Dahlgren worshippers can now receive Communion of Big Macs instead traditional groups on campus. quality and although a well kt'pt of the traditional Eucharist outside on the patio in removable pews. Fr. King, S.J.. said, "Hold the secret. God likes onion rings. In pickl(' on that idea." He claimt'd addition, McDonalds does not that Georgetown was going too offer those cute little crowns of Pope Paul Vaults Jebbies far to make the Church a paper and puppets. utilitarian structure--and was des HowE'ver, the traditionalists, troying an important tradition on who don't like onion rings, claim campus. they will not stand for the move. Out of White Collar Action Commenting on Georgetown's They brought up the fear that such a mov(' would anger alumni by Ann T. Christ chastity and poverty. I can see no would be converted into office new innovation was Monsignor into not sending their monE'Y or His Holiness Pope Paul VI evidence of any of these, particu· space. "This will go far to end the Edward T. Finneran III who sliid, their children to Georgetown. A yesterday closed down the con larly the latter two." current housing crunch. With "The church has never belm a compromise wa'i reached to mak(' trover.;ial Society of Jesus, decree The document also cited "ir more administrators in newer, place for eating although certain Ronald McDonald a Jesuit, but ing that all Jesuit property in reconcilable differences" with the plusher offices, there's no limit to Coods have had religious signif the Provincial of Maryland said cluding hundreds of Univer.;ities head of the Jesuit order the the many things we can do to help icance for Christians such as wine and schools across the world be formerly Very Rev. Pedro Arrupe, students who are forced off and bread. However, transubstan that there were already too many transferred to other order.; of SJ, known as the "Black Pope'. campus." tiation with a Big Mac would be clowns in t-he order. Fr. King said Catholic priests. ''There is only one Pope around Student Development Vice kind of messy." He added, "I he will not allow Georgetown to In South Bend, Indiana, the here and he is going to be either President Dr. Patricia Rueckel don't relish seeing ketchUp being be crucified on an arch of Gold. Rev. Theodore Hesburgh CSC Italian or white," Paul VI said. termed the Yokie expansion plan announced that the Univer.;ity of At Georgetown reaction to the "a bold and exciting new pro Notre Dame would take over announcement was mixed. ''This gram, which reflects our commit Georgetown University, the oldest obviously is a question of differ ment to cutting costs and to Lager Celebrates Death Jesuit Catholic college in America. ing philosophies," Student Body 'zero-based' budgeting. Rather Student representative to the President Bob Gage said after than build new offices we will College of Cardinals Rick Haas naming Rick Haas to head a take the lead in recycling space on refused comment on the move. special five member committee to campus," Dr. Rueckel said while With A Killing Surprise In a related development, fl' study the shut-down order. Haas walking her wire-haired derrier tiring University President the would not comment on the named Max. by Len N. Grad & Cy Beria incident. "I'd like to express my Rev. R.J. Henle, SJ declared Pope matter. At least one student reportedly Rumors concerning the death deep concern and regret about the Paul VI "the anti-Christ" and Haas also declined to discuss favored the move. Fred Mertz of Dr. Robert Lager of thE incident," he said. "I thought for recommended him for the recent reports by George Behan that (J'76) told The HOY A, "I think Russian Department have proven sure WI' were rid of the old fool." ly vacated position of President of Administrative Services Vice the Pope's order showed real fine to be grossly exaggerated. When asked about the death of Seattle University. "He'll fit in President Daniel Altobello had enterprise, might steal it myself Dr. Lager, whose funeral last Dr. Lager, Russian History teacher well there," Fr. Henle said while engineered the suppression of the sometime." Friday was attended by over three the Rev. Frank L. Fadner thought hurling a telephone at the nearest Jesuits. "First Ryan, then WGTB, Well known GU bon vivant close friends and relatives. the reporter was talking about HOY A reporter. now the Jesuits, tomorrow Stu Raymond "Pebbles" Medley, astounded students Monday by Catherine the Great and refused In the official Papal Bull dent Development." cornered in F. Scott's, said, "That walking into class and announcing to answer. He then launched into entitled "Ad Majorem Gloriam Dean for Residence Life Valer dummy in Rome is a dummy. He a surprise quiz. a boring two hour lecture on a Dei," the pontiff wrote: "Jesuit ie Yokie said in an interview that was one of my students once, but Several students who fainted comparison of beard lengths of priests have supposedly sworn the Jesuit residences in the Mul he spent his time in theology after hearing the news were pre· 18th century czars. class, rather than listening to me." solemn vows of obedience, ledy, Gervase, and Ryan buildings rushed to the G U dispensary Charged by a faculty member where they were given aspirin and with "deceitful and morally inde· vitamins. One student lapsed into fensible behavior," Dr. Lager a terminal depression and was replied that he and God still pronounced dead at 2:00 pm. believe they "are in the right." Lager refused to comment on God was unavailable for com the incident, stating only "ni ment, but a spokesman denied EVELYN WOULD govoryoo pawngliskiy." When that the Supreme Being had made queried about his miraculous any statement supporting Lager. return, he replied, "Ich kann kein Englisch." He did say that the Dr. Lager's funeral was held SPEED READING CENTERS grades on the quiz "would not cut Friday. March 26 at an unmarked the mustard," however. gravesite near Sverdlovsk, USSR. SLL Dean James Alatis opined Cause of death was listed as that grade innation may have excessive exposure to microwaves. Evelyn Would graduates can prompted the incident. "Grades Services were arranged by the had risen 200 per cent since last Moskva House oC Repose, whose Read through a copy of Jaws in 41 minutes year and Dr. Lager suspected that motto is "We will bury you!" the students were being tipped off Director Yuri Ivanovich noted Dr. Read through a copy of The Exorcist in 49 minutes about the surprise tests. But the Lager had wanted to hold the See through Fr. McSorley in minutes old boy really must have been out funeral a week earlier than the 5 of his gourd to pull a stunt like a actual date, but prior business Read through four months of Government Cake funeral." commitments forced its post· Prof. Pierre Maubrey of the ponement. "Since the Revolution readings on the night before the test. French Department expressed our weekly business has tripled," Read through the Georgetown Voice in 20 deep concern and regret about the the runeral director explained. Wanted: Air pump, must be on working Wanted: Competent scriptwriter to order, with ear adapter. Must be traveling acting troupe. speclallzln!o In seconds suitable for use WIth helium. Contact theater of the absurd and comic rehef. Bumpers c/o NurSing School. Rehearsals for this year·s productIon In ·'the constitution room." 106 Healy For sale: Academic integrity of old and most Sunday nights. Apply to the once preStigIous University with pre Student Senate, c/o Director Aline tensions of Roman Catholicism. No O'Connor In Basement of Healy. offer reasonable or otherwise refused. 625-3027. P8gB 4 The HOY A Thundlly, April 1, 1976 grinding

A Modest Proposal .... ':\~~i Law School Dean for Admissions David reacted favorably to this. Assoc. Dean Wilmot is to be commended for his bold new William Greenhalgh was quoted off the thrust. Realizing that Georgetown Law record as remarking, "As long as they got Center owes a considerable debt to GU the ducats for tuition we'll take them any Undergrads, Wilmot has proposed an "open way we can get them." Greenhalgh was admissions" policy for all graduates of the summarily transferred to the main campus Hilltop. and made Dean of Admissions. Wilmot's Plan, which was tacked on to We realize that this may seem unfair to the Law Center Budget as a Pro"iso, cans for pre-Med student!. who must struggle, back the Law Center to admit all GU students bite and generally debase themselves in order who are willing to apply and "pay the to claw their way into Med School. But let's freight." face facts: as objectionable as most pre-law We believe that the Wilmot Proviso IS a students are, they can't really hold a candle sound one. Georgetown students pay on tI e to the intrinsic obnoxiousness of pre-meds. to the printers order of $20,000 for the "privilege" d Keeping this in mind, the exact opposite attending the Hilltop for four years, and policy is in order. Perhaps if we insure that many students simply look upon this as an no Georgetown undergrad gets into any med expensive rest-stop on the way to law schools and vigorously advertise this policy, roarin' forum school. We have said for years that it is we might be able to rid ourselves of the little At last I have the opportunity to say' a few words on my own behalf. Up to now this has not been constitutionally possible. unfair to treat Georgetown Undergrads like pests once and for all. There have been many who have attacked my administration. I will any other applicants for spots in the Law We urge the Board of Directors to accept answer such scurrilous accusations as forthrightly and maturely as I School, and the Wilmot Proviso remedies the proposal in toto. If the Board refuses, all have always done. Firstly, anyone who attacks my administration is this sad condition. students are urged to participate in a mass either lying or trying to hide their own incompetence. Critics have charged my administration with lack of accomplishment. The very The top brass at the Law School has firebombing of the Healy Building. idea!!! When I first took over we s~ood a student body without a bill of rights and student government not even recognized by the University. Today after my leadership we stand a student body without a bill of rights and student government still not recognized by the University. And what of tuition? Without my personal influence tuition might have Just Desserts gone up another hundred dollars, maybe two. And what of SEC? Under my administration SEC was not a campaign issue (it may not have held many concerts but, by gum, it certainly wasn't a campaign issue). (Reprinted from the Voice, Feb. 3 1976) enthusiasm, self-confidence, and a true espn't I also intend to take credit as I always have for the accomplishments of the Corp. and the Cafe, also for creating Guts, the Arab Studies The Hoyas outstanding performance In de corps that has been instrumental In Institute, and inventing the wheel. decisively defeating a highly esteemed and making the squad a unified whole. And what of the tennis tournament? Was I snookered by that nice talented Holy Cross squad on Saturday night The auspicious debut of freshman Al man Bill Riordan like my predecessor? No, sir. The second I realized he was playing the chill for us and that we might get stung again, I set up a serves to emphasize the almost limitless Dutch, who has proven himself to be an meeting with Riordan to settle the potential the team possesses. outstanding player as well as a star in his matter but unfortunately he was In admission of defeat, H(lly Cross Coach own right, has also been a crucial factor in unable to attend. I then set a firm George Claney paid tribute to the victors by their great achievements. deadline by which he had to come through with sponsors and super· proclaiming that the Hoyas are on the verge The Hoyas' next important test is the St. stars or we'd set up a new of becoming a truly great basketball team. John's game Wednesday night at Mc deadline. After seventeen tests against tough Donough. A convincing victory over the With this wise policy of waiting opponents like Fairfield, St. Joseph's, Navy, fourteenth-ranked Red Men could result in a and waiting and waiting we were able to have instead of a mere American, and Penn State, the Hoyas have national ranking for Georgetown, adding professional tournament, a tour proven their ability to psyche up game after another feather in the Hoyas' crowded cap. ney studded with stupendous student stars like Bill Scammond, who game. The outspoken recognition the Hoyas are won this year's match. As I have said before, the college players market is an untapped resource. (Many of my carpetbagging critics have Much of the credit for the Hoyas' great now receiving from both local and national claimed that if you tapped my head, all you'd get is a bucket of record is owed to Coach John Thompson, newspapers is greatly welcomed and well maple syrup. But this is only speculation). who has succeeded in instilling his team with deserved. Many have also attacked my proposal to revamp the Senate. They claimed I was trying to destroy that venerable institution. Some have charged that my burning of the Senate chamber was less than

Editor's Note: The column that was submitted by Jr. Saitta was so meaningless, poorly written and utterly lame that we felt these twenty-odd inches of white space would be morally and aesthetically superior. We could not allow such incompre hensible drivel to mar such an otherwise immaculate issue. My apologies~ Bart Saitta Editor-in-chicf

HOLf) IT, HO'/A { THIS IS MY 1l4l WI tOft ~IO tV£v£~ FEAR.. BEIlER. NO STRIP W££K! THIS ST"RIP ISN'T IT ~ 114'1 1VRt4 THAN ONE WIT)./ ]3IG ENOUGH Fa/{ BOTH OF ntIS ~&K' MACKE'S HERE! YOU IN ITl (I

U-Tuln 8/8ab. STIFfS News Collective Ken SI"e~man. Merry Perish. Unfortunate Fortunato. Perrv White. Margo Henn. Snatch Mooney. Judas Graham. Harry Lourous. Herbert Marcuse. Murf the Surph. Glnl Young Of Mice and Men PsycJllatnc Ward Randell MacMurphy. S,gmund Fraud. BenedIct Graham. by Babe Schmaltzmisci the great issues of the day) impart faced with a choice of running my Llslea Hugeren. Carl Young. Clark Kent For the last several weeks to my self-styled readers in the column or 15" of the Maryland PrOf'!ganda have allegedly written a conserva way of wisdom? Obviously Suburban Phone Book, It's a "Llttle Joey" Goebbels. Nancy Raley. Brutus Graham. "Bomb 'er to the Stone Age" McSorley. Carroll Quackley. Raquel Richards tive column. If any of you have nothing. tough decision. Galley S/al'l'S read past the first column (which There are those who might This is, however, all beside the the~ ~'ranz Kafka. Karl Kolchak. e.e. cummings. is doubtful) you would realize object to such a contention on the point. The real reason why Juhus StreICher. Tokyo Graham what I actually have been doing is grounds that being located in the continue to print these literary Phone Answering Sen'lce espousing liberal positions and nation's capital give.'> a student masterpieces is because they need Rock Head Nolan. The waverlv KId. Mata Han Graham. pretending they are conservative. some mythical advantage or a token conservative. It really Steve Mawn Loves Dorothy Hamill!! . For example, last week I insight. Who is kidding whom') doesn't matter what I wnte or Im'estmellt Counselors conservatively wrote that the How many students manage to get whether it makes sense. As long as Bad Bilhnks. Dan Altobezalment. Jimmy Olson. Quishng Graham nation should "junk" Ford and further downtown than the it mentions Ford in any but the ColummSlS elect a liberal democrat and they Tombs much less past Blimpies. most derogatory terms It's good BlfCh Nalbanhan. Caddy Luminaire. ScooP. John Dean Grallam printed it. Any among such doubters enough. SporH Only at Georgetown could should consider the specimens Let's face it, how many peopll' Dean SmIth. Ron Watts, Stan Watts, RIta Branson, students fall for such obvious among our own student body who Stags. Jim O'Brien, Tom Boswell, Doug Gould, can you get to publicly and in Donna Olshan, Doody. John Blake, Track Flack. sham. Only The HOY A would have taken advantage of our print support President Ford or D,z. John Cranston, Mark Splaver, John SomagYI. allow such nonsense on its pages. unique location and somebody Timmy Turnover. Alex Hampshire. Dick Heller, Frank Fuqua, Ronald Reagan-besides the Ku John Magee. Bob Siaholtz, Dave Kopech. Lefty Dreisell. However one must come to else's political debt to secure a job Klux Klan weekly newsletter? Hal Wissel expect this sort of thing. What on the hilI. These sniveling stamp Fran Connors-Trainee. one can legitimately question is Iickers are hardly "in the know" If there were a literate conser Steve Bell not why my particularly poor or privy to any secrets that any vative on campus, I'd be replaced "As Himself" attempt at commenting rationally nut walking off the street COUldn't in a minute of course, but as it on national politics is continually find out. Simply put, I know no stands I'm the only means these printed; but rather why these more about what I'm writing than paranoid editors have for proving their open-mindedness, Tht' HOY A IS pubhshed each week. or whenever Dixie delivers. The erstwhile editors bother to print you do. writings. articles. layout and pictures are all contradictIons In terms, any national political columns at This is not to say that my Alas, one of these days some and besided that represent whichever way the Wind blows at the all. Such propositions are bene column is without virtue. Con little freshman will scream out Board of Editors meetinp. Everything appearing herein IS explicitly approved by the Administration of the University and by Kitsock. volently doomed from the start sistently, week in and week out, I that the emporer has no clothe~ Si,ned columns are worthless. The University subscribes to the and have only the chann of tum in a solid 15" of copy. and the editor will finally read principle of benevolent dictatonhip tor student media, unless WGTB is involved at which point benevolence has nothmg to do pretention in their favor. Granted, to a nonnal mind it isn't one of my columns and I'll be with it. What can I as a stUdent worth reading, but on a Thursday taking the first train out of print (ignorant as the next fellow on night when a frantic editor is (no change at Jamaica)...... 6 The HOYA Thunav. April 1.1976 Persecuted Long Hair Claims Ordeal Caused Mind Changes by Anne Hargaden The defendant said that he was A number of prominent Knee-jerk liberal and village threatened with extreme unction psychiatrists wrangled over the atheist turned laissez Caire capital if he refused to take part in such perplexing question of Saitta's ist revolutionary Wayne Saitta was activities as Young Americans for sanity for nearly thirty hours on found pilty of "economic crimes Freedom rallies, the Ronald the witness stand. against the people" yesterday Reagan campaign and foreclosing Famed Jesuit psychologist the ending the bizarre case that began mortgages held by elderly widows Rev. Juan B. Cortes, SJ, told the when the HOY A editor was and starving little children. court, "This is the first recorded kidnapped by members of the case of diabolical repossession. I College Republican Liberation recommend an exorcist immedi Anny. ately, perhaps the same one they Saitta sat sullenly as he was used on Eddie Ryan. If Altobello sentenced to two more semesters is not available anymore." in monastic seclusion chained to . Eminent psychologist Dr. Patri· typewriter in Copley Basement. cia Rueckel disagreed, however. He had been accused of a variety "It is very apparent that this man of crimes including "advocating a , is the victim of some bold and return to the gold standard, exciting new innovation, or else a Director of Student Activities Jeff ("Cuttles") Fogelson returned attempting to enforce the iron law lobotomy. " from his useless junket to Dallas to find the lock on his office door of wages, union busting and Prosecutors Paul Kamenstein ·changed. SAC Comptroller Steve ("Potentially Deficient") Bell had calling for the canonization of and Steve Friedman responded by moved quickly to assert his control over the student activities Adam Smith and Joseph Schum , reading several of Saitta's editor· peter." Counsel for the defense budget. In one sweepingly assertive action, Bell froze the SAC, SEC, ials written before he had been SAB, BSA, JSA, SBA, SFS, SLL and the ground round put on sale Rick Haas refused to comment "~ kidnapped. "The man is no more during the entire trial. ;' "$ at Vital Vittles. Emerging from his ice palace in Eskimo coat, heavy Wayne Saitta after the abduction. insane now, than he was when The jury apparently rejected these were written," Kamenstein boots and nose warmer, the "big freeze" commented, "Today, The the defense contention that Saitta "It was horrible being in that said. HOY A, tomorrow, the Post" had been forced to join the CRLA closet," Saitta testified. "Twenty after he had been locked for three one days with Junior's socks and weeks in the closet of the rugby shirt and I was ready to join Resident Assistant on Second the Jesuits or write for the Stuffed Shirt GU LC Prof. Ryan. Voice." Center Cafe Finds Self in Patty's Saga Announces New Offerings It is said that Georgetown likes mean Now all you hope for is a file to educate "The Whole Man," but You never thought you'd be in a cake. The Roy Rogers: bar-b-qued horsemeat from the a Law School Professor as a the SLA Queen. Tania, Tania you picked as Trigger line, skewed with stir-e-os, and a steal at country music star? watched your comrades your name 65c. Strange as it may seem, the bum A year of crime shall be your urbane Associate Dean of the Law Knowing that next it'd be your fame. Cherries Whoopee: black cherry pits set to flame Center, William Greenhalgh, has turn. with Schlitz light and served with an asbestos written a song called ''The Ballad Chorus. tongue protector at no extra cost. Only $1 .25 of Patty Hearst," which Billboard Chorus. magazine reports is selling like Three years of law school for Baked New Jersey: Fudge cake smothered with hotcakes throughout the country. When they nabbed you in that? our secret Secaucus sauce 55c. You were young, you were Frisco, it shook you awake. -William Rehnquist Egg McNothin: egg shells served on a toasted sweet, with a name like money English muffin 35c. You never thought you'd be a bemsVI nsyA 2'91:11s92 The Grape-escape: 1 5 individually-wrapped Mor revolutionary honey; ton jelly servings. If the customer guesses which Eyes of fire and fists all clenched toq2 sin,otilsO qoT oT one has orange maralade in it, he gets all 1 5! You never thought you'd see 20c. the Judge's Bench. 9rlj .Jn9m93snsm bns 219'{slq 991no\\ 1'19'11)/\ '(6 lOlsm 101 9Jsb lInin9qo IsnoJJib61J ·rUu02 lIniIlsd91i1 ,ns,{H nsloV'! The International Burger: baked Peruvian llama Chorus: .bl9rlqU 9d Iliw IIsd916d !tU3S91 2Srf .aI9l1nA simoli1s:J 9rfi 101 wsq meat on a French roll with Russian dreSSing im Patty, Patty, you liked to rob 219'{slq 9rlJ 10 9non rf3uorUIs JbiO 1911snsm '{d b9ibiq n99d ported from Japan $1.98. banks 19q 00 r js 3nim1011'lQ 9d oj Hmbs lInihsJz 'JrU bS91 oj zmsilliW Patty, Patty, they're coming b9bn9Jx9 9rfJ 10 9f!us!>9d Jn9:> 9rfi ~ni1ub dub 9rfi 101 noiisi01 The Chic Sandwich: fashionable ham on a per for you in tanks. .110'{sl 10 9viJsn s ,ns,{H: .n01692 (H'el fumed soft roll, tanned to a toasty brown, with n9vi3 n99d Jon 9vSrl 2193nA 9rfT 9rfJ lInoms n99d zsrl ,91Us'l2 tacos added for flavor and served in a topsider When they kidnapped you they s Jn9v91q oj 9:>ClSrl:> s 10 rl:>um i2Sq 9rfj 101 2iu09>ii"lJ2 ni 1'19bs91 spoke of Power . x02 b9H noj208 S "\0 jS9q91 isrfj 29i1uini 9iiq29b ,Z1S9'{ 1619V92 shoe for effect 90c. They didn't tell you 'bout a 3ni9d 2i ns,{H rl3uoriJIs ,nw01!> . ,{Un9!>91 mirl b9wolz 9VSrl Open Daily 9 am-1 am "Students Poisoning Students. " once a week shower. '{Jn9wJ S 9biv01q oj no b9.tnuo:> '{d b9'{sl9b 3nini61i lInnq2 rljiW With Willie in the closet, acting .n02S9wNSCAa.~ a:F-,o ttS ~WARJ) ByA WAVE" OF71IE SRw«N ~.IIIE ThurlHv. April 1. 1976 The HOYA P.7 Porn Flicks Arouse G U Senses byR.U. Homi feature, Big Man on Campus. This past week, ·the world Billed a documentary to the premier of a scintillating, X-rated lascivious goings-on at a major double feature was held on the Jesuit University, Sex at George Georgetown campus. The twinbill, town consisted of eighty minutes which was advertised in advance of blank film. The audience, as the hottest thing to hit however, remained captivated, and many porn fans among them considered the blank screen ap proach as a novel form' of eroticism. Those more objective, however, found it to be an accurate portrayal of their past experiences. After all, if they had anything else going for them, what the hell would they be doing at a movie like that? Big Man on Campus, the main attraction of the night, was a smashing success. Starting slowly and steadily building in intensity and power, the flic worked its way into a position where it completely embraced the audio ence and pounded its way to a thrilling climax. Ramming its Producer "Kansas City Flash" McCarthy watches point across with an incomparable "Radar" Rosenstein-right on target. Director "Slick Hands" Ralston show how it's done. ardor, the film ravished its viewers ThE' film, however, contained "I've never seen anything like it," plating never showing it again on and left them whimpering for many elements which appealed to one breathless coed panted, "it campus," SEC Chairman Bill more. "Deep Throat Sudol," sex film the kinky among the viewers. In reminded me of my first tour (Little Billy) Schlosser declared. starlet. Big Man on Campus, with Ken particular, the stimulated, I mean through the Redwood Forest." "However, I do plan to view it Zemsky in the title role, centered simulated sequence, capitalizing This, of course, was a reference another six or seven times befol'{' I Georgetown since Anne Har around one man's efforts to work on the Bicentennial theme, in to the abundance of wide angle make my final decision." gaden's bacldess dress, played his way through college. Finding a which the Washington Monument nature footage which graced the before an enthusiastic crowd of career suitable to both his physi. travels to St. Louis and engages in show, serving to enhance the In shori, the dual attraction stUdents. many of whom turned cal and intellectual endowments, intercourse with thl' Gateway film's appeal, and adding to it the came off as an arousing evening of up the collars of their LaCoste he sooned learned that not only Arch, stands out as a tribute to redeeming quality which it other· intriguing enjoyment. Appealing shirts to hide their identity. was the job profitable, but he the film's director, Ann LoLordo. wise lacked. to ~tudents' baser instincts, it The first unveiling of the pair, could also get three credits for it Those in attendance were most Student Entertainment offi· took their minds off of their entitled Sex al Georgetown, served as part of Fr. Bradley's Freedom impressed by the magnitude of cials were rather shocked by the studies and into the gutter, right as a prelude to the immense of Sexual Love course. the actors, both male and femall'. display. "I'm seriously contem- where they belong. ,. I ROI,Y of the GleasepQint I Chorus Sets Marv Parish conducts the Georgetown Symphony in a program of "M~sic for WGTB" Saturday night in the Hall of Nations. The Program Tinkerbell includl'~ till' Best of Guy Lombardo, Lawrence Welk and the King Family. * * * * Concert The Fellowship of Christian Athletes presents a short film "Cracking ,~,~, ;:~,t'~

Heads for Christ, the Life & Times of the Reverend Dick Butkus" in :" ~ ,?f :~>#:~f~ I The Georgetown Uni~er;ity Palms Lounge tonight at 8. Admission is free, but the plate shall be ~h'~ ,!~~ t,~r~I>rJ~~ ,;; Chorus is staging its Bicentennial passeo. Refreshments consisting of Gatorade and wafers shall be served. A tender interlude with Barry and his mistress, who later won custody concert honoring the Georgetown of the children. Chimes. Entitled "Tinkerbell * * * * Sings," the recital will take place SEC prl'spnts "The Exorcist" Friday and Saturday night in 103 Reiss. this Sunday in Dahlgren Chapel. The mO\'IP. which has been edited to conform with the University's The Campus Cinema As befitting the chapel's new position 011 morality, runs 27 minutes. A short talk by Fr. Lee Bradley motif, the Chorus will perform will folio ..... $2.00 with SEC card, 50q without SEC card. ONE FLEW OVER THE Meir) getting the inside story with the Georgetown Orchestra. KUCKRO'S NEST (1975) from a "reliable source," the both stark naked. Concert Direc· * * * * Friday, 7:30 p.m. now famous "Deep Hoya" (Mel tor Lou Kallas, well-known effem· James H. Hoffa rises from the dead Sunday moming near Harbin. Come Bell). The Goodyear Blimp (her· inate on campus, comes out of the early for best seats. Admission is $3.00. Sponsored by Campus Two spies, an axe murderer, self) makes a cameo appearance. closet long enough to direct the Ministril's. an Indian, four Hebes and a de· 55 minutes. nubile nudies. * * * frocked WASP all try to be Chorus President Grace An· * HOY A Arts Editor. Filmed en· STANLEY'S KUBRICK'S thony wished to express her Ringling Bros., Barnum and Bailey Circus will be appearing at the GU tirely in Copley Basement, the BARRY WIEGAND (1975) gratitude to all who made the Health Policy Center, 329 A, DC Transit Building for the next 18 film is a stunning exercise in Sunday, 10 a.m., 2 & 4 p.m. concert possible. Commented Ms. months. gl'ats are plentiful. Free to all those with good connections to Theatre of the Unnecessary. The Stanley Kubrick's manu· Anthony, "I wish to express my FoundatIOns. plot (such as it is) involves a run· mental epic-bore follows Barry gratitude to all who made the * * * * ning discussion of why Michael Wiegand from his youth in concert possible." Ms. Anthony Kramarczyk's column continues Newark, through his college gained renown last year as a Brend Alois Zimmerman opera based on the life of Professor and Mrs. to appear in The HOYA. 241 years, and into his post.graduate Student Government vice presi· Jo:il' Sorzano, Chiquita and the Man, will be performed at the Kennedy minutes. period as a skid-row bum, dential candidate on the Gay Lib ('enter Opera House next week. Marilyn Home sings the role of culminating in his job raking ticket of Eddie Finneran. Chiquita, Giuseppi DiStefano sings the Man. Fausto Cleva conducts. ALL THE RESIDENCE MEN leaves and his senseless suicide. The concert, composed by I.M. Student ti~kets an! available. (The recording of this opera is now (1973) The suicide scene (a jump ocr Bach, opens with "Come Bach." available at Viscount on Longhair Records (LH-043001)]. Saturday, 8:00 p.m. Poulton Tower) is soon to be a The lead role is played by Kim A classic of the Army Train· classic. Suggested by Thackery's Rasper, and is about a George· GAUZE Free advice dispensed: Counsel to ing Film genre. Tom Ritz (Chevy novel, The Improbable Nerve of town Chime fairy afmcted with a A Polygraphic prOduction lovelorn, loveless and other SOCIal and Chase) tries to convince the Barry Wiegand, this movie could severe case of hemhorroids. Rem· FREE {$J.00 SES) emotional cripples, with emphasis on female matters. Should be willing to newspapers and electronic media only be made at Georgetown, The story of a bo.pi tal relort iniscent of "The Epidermist," the threatened by a stark-ravina mad buy beers In exchange for Shoulder to in Washington that his boss, the where life is cheap. Suzy recital's smash finale has the He .... Georcetown nurse wbo araduated cry on. See Will Smith III at the pub, anytime night or day. Dean of Residence Life (Mer Kinnear is triumphant in her K. Salatino, S.J., tossing the on top of her cl.... STARRING: cedes McCambridge), is not a movie debut, playing Wiegand's rasping young broad out a win· AIleen O'Connor as the girl on top; Wanted: Someone with IQ in 2 figures crook and that the GU Room wife Thusnelda. Mickey Rooney dow, to the eternal applause of Jim Colaprlco as a young man with at least. Llteflcy occasion lilly helpful, Lottery is not rigged. His efforts a horn; bUt will accept alternlltlve qUllliflca· makes a convincing comeback as the Chorus. and IntrOducing Sorley-bOy as the tlons. Write to News Editor, The are foiled by two newspaper the too-4>hort former News Edi Come on out and support our pelce·lovlng shark. HOYA, Box g3a Hoya Stlltlon. men (Robert Redford and Golda tor. 364 minutes. Chorus. Page 8 n-~ HOYA Thursday, April 1, 1976

.. A Great Paper!"--God What Other Campus Publication Pats Itself On the Back Like Us?

Check These Figures!!!

Actuallnformation/Entertainment Value Down 3()()o/0 Number of News Editors Up 200% Self-Glorifying Ads Up 550% Size of Staff & Editorial Board Up 5% Adherence to Truth-in-Advertising Act Up 1 %

We're Great!

Jim Wiles' Original ® r~

We're going to be the # 1 campus weekly in our own heads Thu.....,. April 1. 1916 The HOVA Page 9 leste,

To the Editor: To the Editor: havinl to watch a vegetarian and Dear Sirs: A team of our hilhly trained I am not a man who gets angry I will streak this afternoon at an ex-Soviet weightlifter abuse Madelyn Murray O'Hair is full maintenance men have corrected easily. But your newspaper has 3:00 past Healy Circle. moldy lettuce at the salad bar. of crap. There is a God. I know the problem. The heat should be gone too far. First of all, if I hear Gracie Anthony They disturbed the lice in the because I talked to him yesterday. on by two weeks from next one more snot-nosed student call salad and it didn't taste the same. He wants me to file his income Tuesday. me "A-Bomb" Atkinson I'll slug Off with their heads! tax for him. I'm going to charge Sincerely yours, To the Editor: Valerie Y()!.-If' him. Just because I'm so short I Macke is sick and tired of all Mike Jarmie him an ann and a leg to do it, can't see over the average toilet though. Do you know that I the complaints that students have To the Editor: doesn't make me a candidate for To the Editor: finished the CPA exam in 31/2 been giving us. Eat shit, for all we I have a "confession" to make. the Little Napoleon Award of the care. Why doesn't The HOY A have minutes? Do you care? George "[ am the Greatest" When I applied to become a year. Somehow you people have Andrea more pictures so that it looks got the idea that I have a lot of pretty like the Voice? I think that Houston Jesuit, I lied about my age. so that Bookkeeper To the Divine Council I wouldn't have to work in the money. This isn't true, ask any of To the Editor: the Voice is a much better my students. They'll tell you that newspaper than The HOY A, even circus. I am really only 54 years We do. old. May I please have my job I am a poor professor. though I don't read the copy in To the Editor: The students back? Nuke 'em, the Voice, because most of it is There was nothing wrong with Rev. Bobby lIenle, S J J.D. Atkinson unintelligible. But the pictures what John F. Kennedy did. It is To the Editor: and various boxes of all different nobody's business how many To the Editor: Why did they take "Leave It sizes are so pretty. I'm sorry that unwed mothers are the result of this letter is so hard to read, but his "missile crisis." You should Just because I wear a kat/a, To the Editor: To Beaver" and "Peticoat Junc speak in a Cairo dialect. and had tion" off the air? my crayon needs to be sharpened. stop printing the scandal sheet If I hear one more wise.guy say my circumcision revoked doesn't Father Jim Walsh, S.J. To-to for now, material on JFK. I want the that all I am is a fund-raiser, I'm Reu. Edward Bodnar, S.J. lowdown on Warren Harding. mean that I am an Arabist. Why, going to go back to New Jersey. Moderator, The HQYA See you in the soup kitchen, some of our best Jews are our Then watch the University go Dear Sirs: Rev. Richard "Blood and Guts .. friends. broke! I am not a crook. I have never Dear Sirs: McSorley, S J. Peter Krogh, "'/lrd Sincerely, been a crook. I will never be a Did you hear the one about Sf'S /Jean Donald G. Herzberg crook. the Jew and the Grand Canyon? To the Editor: Sincerely Yours in Christ, Robert Henle Is there life after death? Did To the Editor: Daniel J. Altobello God Make me? Is there truth? Now that Nixon's out, would Dear Editor: To the Editor: What is the purpose of life on you guys PLEASE let US pick on As a Georgetown senior I write If you do not print baby earth? Who invented the Texas Henle? We'll even give you an this letter with that small part of Dear Sirs: pictures of me in The HOY A, I weiner? acknowledgement in our next myself wich is not inundated with I am disgusted with Macke's will not allocatt> any more funds < Doctor Henry "Socrates" Veatch book. "Bob Henl ··s Last Days." disappointment. I believe that the management. The other day I to the aforesaid newspaper. This is Let us knaw by meeting us in a abrupt closing of WGTB repre almost puked on my Turkey not an idle threat. Just last week I Dear Sirs: parking garage near the Law sents a clear failure on the part of Tetrazini when I saw Andrea and froze my mother's Welfare check It has come to my attention Center. and marking our copy of this university to come to tt>rms Tony at the salad bar fondling the for failing to fill out a depart that the heat in the rooms in Old the New York Times. with an obviously conflicting bib lettuce. I have enough trouble mental. North, Ryan, and New North has earl Bernstem & &Jb Wo()dward, situation. This hap keeping my food down without Steve "Stop The Presses" Bell been shut off since last November. Big Buds, Pa

DRAW TlDS CROSS Don'ters Profile (pronounced DON'T-ers)

H you can, you may have HIDDEN TALENT. Write the Famous Jesuits School and Find Out! Every year, thousands of people tell us that they wish to join the Jesuit order. That's all very nice, but without the proper training, new members of the Order find them selves with the worst assignments. Why shovel shit in Swaziland when you can sip mint juleps on the veranda at Loyola of New Orleans or chug-a-Iug at the beer capitol of the Jesuit world. Georgetown University in Washington. DC?

The FAMOUS JESUITS SCHOOL. founded in 1516 in Fidenza (at that time in the Papal States), is run by the most renowned Jesuits in the world. All we can do is Name: Bob Henle promise you good. clean fun. No sex. but lots of fun. Improve your grip and write today, Age: Unknown Occupation: Also Unknown ------Most Memorable Book: The Prince Last Achievement: Successfully transformed a Major Send to: Famous Jesuits School . Vestment Road and Holywater Drive Metropolitan University into Wernersville. Pa. 90028 something vaguely resembling a Name ______Latin American dictatorship. Address ______Quote: "Straight up, please. " City & State Zip ______Religious Preference ______Scotch: Don'ters White Label. P.,0 The HOYA Thunday, April " 1976 Lightning Hacked and Slashed By Only Campus Newspaper by Lab Reeola Barry Charles, Lee Dembo and soon followed with a two run The Georgetown HOY A's high Eddie Ryan back to the sidelines clout, and that was the ball game. ly heralded softball team, Hack in utter dismay. . Though Lightning finally and Slash, soundly whipped an Adding single runs to their dented the scoring column with ovennatched White Lightning margin in the second and third three unearned runs in the sixth, squad, 16-3, yesterday afternoon innings, the sensational scribes all scored when Tom (The Bomb) in Intramural competition_ Rely increased their lead to 10-0 in the Bianco collided with Mark ing on their superior mixture of fourth, when Wayne (The Sultan (Aqualini) Minervini tracking speed, power and baseball know of Sweat) Saitta smashed a three down a routine fly ball. their ledge, the journalistic jocks easily run homer into deep left center, comeback efforts were, at best, triumphed over their athletically sending Lou (Sweet Lou) DeMille futile. Beaten badly by a better lacking opponents. and Mark (The Mighty) Quinn ballclub, Lightning's losers limped Hack and Slash sped off to an scampering home. The ball was lamely home to lick their early lead, jumping on the powder actually playable, but Dave wounded pride. puff offerings of Lightning hurler (Hands) Hausperg allowed it to Thus, Hack and Slash clearly Bob Labriola for a 5-0 lead in the bounce off his paws and into the established themselves as an intra first frame. Leading the onslaught alley. By the time he retrived it, mural powerhousp. Though many was "Say-Hey" Shea, as he the speedy Saitta had flashed will prefer not to pass judgment slammed a Labriola lame duck around the bases and across the until they conquer a more cha into the parking lot for a three plate. llenging opponent, there can be run blast. The debacle became a rout in little doubt that the heavyweights The five run cushion provided the fifth frame, when the wonder from The HOY A will be a team to by his squad seemed to inspire ous writers, sent Labriola sulking be feared throughout the 1M Hoya Sluggers Greg Kitsock. Sylvan om HOY A moundsman Steve (Butter off the mound and back to the season. watch Hack & Slash roll to another magnificent defeat. ball) Friedman_ Whipping through showers. Barry (Wee Willie) the light hitting Lightning nine, Wiegand came up with the big Friedman fanned six of the first blow, a grand slammer with nine batters he faced, sending Rookie Rogozinski, Big Mac such weak sisters as Bill Donnelly, McAdams and Tokyo Rosenstein Cavanaugh Spells Trouble Mark Wittleder, Dale Parrish, aboard. Muscleman Sylvan Sobel When one thinks of Rugby, the brought with him an idea. An idea that Rugby, contrary to popular name that rolls off the tongue and and 1/2 pound of bologna for the belief, is not won by the banging DJ Cuts Hoyas Short on to the floor where it belongs is trip from Suffern. It was the idea of heads but by common cour Ed "Trouble" Cavanaugh, Presi· tesy. We interviewed Trouble dent of the Georgetown Rugby while being toweled off by Tom Club. Here Trouble is pictured Bianco, about the philosophy of Dons Summer Shorts with the famous Georgetown the team. "You must understand by Donna O/sham keeping an eye on his sophomore deflated rugby ball. The deflated that rugby is not simply a sport Georgetown's basketball for sensation, but Jackson managed rugby ball symbolized the dedica but a feeling or a spirit. We could tunes for the 1976-77 season were to escape thanks to his roommate tion of the team not solely to concentrate on running and tack dealth a severe blow yesterday Felix Yeoman, who arranged for a victory but to drinking, indolence ling but that would just get us when sophomore guard Derrick screen test for the Hoya assistant and the social graces. into shape. You must remember Jackson announced he had signed coach in the title role of the new Ed is a homegrown product of that the virtues of indolence are a two-year, $250,000 contract movie, "What's the Magic Word, the district. Found by trolls under many. By teaching our players to with the Chicago White Sox. Groucho?" Key Bridge he was raised to be goldbricks we prepare them for Deciding to pass up his re News of Jackson's departure infancy and then sent out to make things later in life such as civil maining two years on the HiIItop, was especially disturbing to the his fortune in Suffern, New York. service employment. We may not Jackson reported last night to the members of the religious com However, the glamor and the be big but we're slow." White Sox training camp in munity, since the devout Baptist glitter of downtown Suffern did Trouble's program as well as Sarasota, Florida, and will begin related that "God told him to not change Trouble's gentle yet himself are well loved among the workouts today. turn his back on evil George harmless nature. It was in spite of players and he is considered by Although White Sox manager town." The search for a large these qualities that the George most as a mother figure. Yes, Chuck Tanner admitted he "had sacrificial offering ended this town Rugby Club called on him consideration is a man called not heard much about Jackson morning, when Campus Ministries to rebuild the club, crumbling Trouble. It is this dedication to since high-school (Jackson was a decided to offer Frank Rienzo at under the gross stupidity of his players rather than to victory, schoolboy star in Wheaton, special penitential rites to be held ex-president and all aroun, ~ood titles, and alumni money that has D1inois), Veeck was absolutely in left field, Jackson's former guy Junior Saitta. made him an outcast at Mc ecstatic about his latest acquisi stumping grounds. Ed "Trouble" Cavanaugh Donough Gymnasium_ tion. "We've got to get the fans to come out and see our new summer uniforms," Veeck said, "and everybody knows that Der Short Shots: Thompson, Riflers In News rick looks great in short pants." Hoya Coach John Thompson Hoya's basketball coach John remain on the University payroll Turkey." GUPS suspects fowl was extremely upset by Jackson's Thompson announced today that "at least until the convention." Rifle Club play. decision. "I'm extremely upset by he will become an active candi Thompson, admitting that he Police are playing a waiting Jackson's decision," Thompson date for the office of President of was a long shot, commented by Maddog game, planning to starve the said. The Hoya mentor had cast a the United States. Thompson "Hell, the odds are no longer than Protesting against repeated subversives out. But if the oc sigh of relief earlier this month stated that he felt that he could those of GU making the NCAA budget cuts by the Athletic casional empty Coors beer can when his leading scorer revealed do so during the basketball semis." Campaign finances are Department, the Georgetown spiraling down from the Tower is that he was giving up baseball, but _ off·season, and as such he shall said to be a problem for Thomp Rine Team has taken over Healy any indication, they may have a according to Jackson, "I just said son, who was reportedly surprised Tower, and are threatening to long wait. Until them, the book that to llet him off my case." by the Federal Elections Commis shoot a "Turkey a Day" until store is offering bulletproof vests, .-. Signed the contract right sion decision that he could not demands are met. Professors formerly $30.00, now $19.76, after our loss to Arizona," .Iack take a percentage of gate receipts Reno, Hunter, McDonald and and with the special Bicentennial son "aid yesterday by telephone from the DC High School basket Fathers Lee H. Bradley and good coupon on page 51 of this issue, from Florida, "but there was no ball classic as campaign "seeU friend Richard McSorly have all only $17.76. (Red, white and blue way I wanted the man to find out. money." been placed under protective version on special request.) He would have shoved that His position on the issues custody. denated basketball down my basically unknown ("I am unsure Reportedly screaming "I'll take Spokesman for the marksmen throat!" Instead of risking the myself," said Thompson, "but I it from Track!" Francis X. Rienzo Bob Klein phoned the offices of wrath of his fonner coach, Jack· do support education and basket· was last seen climbing into Fifth campus radio station WGTB in son delayed both the announce· ball scholarships and a quota on Healy to bargain with the team. order to publicly broadcast his ment and his departure until DC high school hoopsters leaving The A.D. ':; ~ullet-ridden body, demands. It is reported that their Thompson, Mary Fenlon and Bill the confines of the District unless covered with pigeon feathers, chief demand is for new equip Stein left this past week for the in a blue and gray uniform"), "fell" to Healy Lawn several ment, claiming that "it is difficult aIlnual coaches convention in Thompspn feels that he has as moments later. A note was pinned for us to compete against other Philadelphia. good a chance as Jimmy Carter. to the lapel, but it was uncertain colleges when they have modem Thompson had assilned "But I can smile better," whether it read "Turkey Number weapons and all we have is Dw!lht Datcher the task of Coach John Thompson pinned Thompson. One," or "The Number One outdated blunderbusses." Thund-v, April 1. 1976 The HOYA Page 11 Angry Gang Crew T earn Plays Sailor OfGU Gays Finds Floating War Mine

by Syllable Soluble things to happen to the crew SlnC!' Seize Sauna Georgetown University's the legendary John Kiyonaga left heavyweight crew team made a the squad." by Stan Boskovitch monumental discovery yesterday Terry LeFevour, veteran waIn· More than fifteen members of afternoon on the Potomac River. bunny, seemed somewhat shocked the Georgetown Gay Student While going through their regular by all the attention the incid('nl Alliance stormed the sauna bath early morning workout, one of has generated. "I really don't in McDonough Gymnasium the boats happened by chance to think we did anything that yesterday and made several de find a noating mine left over from special. After all. someone was mands on Athletic Department the Civil War. going to find it eventually." officials concerning their ~se of "It was the damndest thing," Athletic Director Frank the facilities. Chanting the slogan Coach Mike Mason was heard to Rienzo, however, was rathl'r "Out of the closet and into the say. "We've been rowing in that pleased by the affairs. "TIll' sauna," the protesters threatened same place for years, and never money the Defense Departmt'nt is to remain in the sauna until their saw it before." going to give us for finding thp dE'mands were met. John McShea, who strokes the mine is really going to help our The "Gay" sit-in was still in boat (and boy, does the boat love program. Why, tht' Track and progress at the time this news it), commented this way: "I Basketball teams are bt'gging for paper went to print and some always knew we'd make a big more mont'y. and now we can givl' members extremely close to the splash, but I never expected it to them." leader of the group have com anything like this." tW'.

by Bill Donnelly end as the air around him began construction," Dr. Rueckel said. After cracking and buckling to rise," he added. "Then, as he "It'll be a sacrifice when we set up from strain caused by a rising praised the athletic advisory board our offices in the Darnall-Reiss column of hot air, the McDon for their many accomplishments townhouses, but we're always ough Gymnasium roof last nillht last year, his toupee floated up to willing to do our best for collapsed during the annual sports the top ofthe gym." students. " awards dinner, killing several The survivor added, "People One demented lunatic who Hoya athletes including most of who fainted were carried out for arrived late from Tempe, Arizona the track team. fresh air. The heat was fierce; Fr. after his wallet had been expro Sports Information Director Henle started drinking ice water. priated was carted away by who found out about the catas "Then Rienzo said he played Metropolitan police after he as trophe several hours later from a no favorites when he made up the saulted a fireman trying to put student reporter, commented, athletic budget_ The roof ripped out the scattered fires. The alleged "We were really lucky that almost right off the gym and rose up individual reportedly jumped on everyone who was killed was a about 13 feet. Rienzo looked up, top of the firefighter, shrieking graduating senior or a member of closed his mouth and the roof "hose job, hose job." He was the reserve squad." came tumbling down on top of tentatively identified as John Athletic Director Frank Rienzo us." Blake (SCAB '75-76). added, "I guess next year will According to other witnesses, really be a rebuilding year." the only warning of the collapse Rienzo had been speaking on his came from Voice sports editor Ed commitment to increased stUdent Grant who screamed, "TRACK! ( SPOrts Bullatin ) participation in athletic programs TRAAAAAAAAAAACK!" as the when the tragedy occurred. fragments of the roof showered Mary Fenlon, assistant coach Among the survivors were on the crowd. and academic advisor for the Lang takes the newS sitting down. HOY A editor Wayne Saitta (SFS Athletic Advisory Board mem Georgetown basketbJlll Hoy as , 'maybe). Saitta had been slated to ber Anne Hargaden was the first was presented to federal health au receive the double honor cf being to emerge from the rubble. thorities to undergo a series of named sportswriter of the year "Gotta go now, boys, see ya," she tests and precautionary measures. Kelly Drafted by Pros and elected to the athletic sup reportedly said. According to sources, Miss porter's Hall of Fame. Student Development Vice Fenlon, thought to be a natural One survivor described the president Patricia Rueckel was redhead, had been discovered to events preceding the collapse of reportedly "broken up" at the be the nation's number one Senior Scranton-Bound the gym roof: news. "All that beautiful space we consumer of Red Dye #2, a by Dwight Datcher can do everything. I can sing, "I remember that as soon as had planned to use for offices so substance recently banned in a Legendary Georgetown Re dance, play ball, run, drink, make Rienzo started talking, the room we could do so many bold, much publicized crackdown by serve squad basketball performer love and walk on the water, all at got warmer. John Thompson exciting things for students. It's health researchers. Fenlon's hair Mike Kelly has been the firsf the same time. They say the started sweating and Tom Bianco now a shambles. Even curtains dresser, Marcel "Lefty" Le Farce, Hoya ballplayer to be drafted by greatest was Muhammed Ali, but knocked over two waiters running won't help," she sobbed. was placed under arrest with the the professional leagues. Kelly, it you ain't seen nothing till you've up to the dais to towel the coach "Everything is not lost. Next help of Miss Fenlon. Her cries of was announced yesterday in a seen Kel-Iy." off," the survivor said. week we'll start moving students "Hands up!" alerted the hair press conference which he held in "I knew things were strange in there. Open air dormitories, it's stylist's defenses to the swarming Reaction to the announcement when Rienzo's hair stood up on the boldest thing in dormitory mob of police. front of the library, was drafted on campus has been varier' by the Scranton Apollos of the ranging from indifferent to unim Eastern Basketball Association_ pressed. It was assumed originally New Complex The announcement, which was that close friends would encour greeted with surprise by the Just hours after the traggic age him to hold out for a large collapse of the rolU of Mc person in attendance, is the contract; however, this was dis culmination of a long, uphill Donough Gymnasium, the GU counted when it was learned he Athletic Advisory Committee un battle Kelly has been waging to had no close friends. achieve athletic mediocrity. veiled detailed plans for a new Kelly has often been called the One of the biggest adjustments gymnasium to be funded by the finest leaper, ballhandler and Kelly is expected to have to make Arab Institute. shooter on the Hilltop campus. upon arriving into the Eastern The suddenness of the an These assessments, of course, are League is adapting to the glamor nouncement gave rise to claims of all his own. Others who have ous social environment which possible sabotage. Already two witnessed his distinctive style of Scranton has to offer. Nicknamed Arab terrorist groups, the Blue play have compared him to "Sin City," this Northeastern and Grey Septemberists and the former professional greats Dale Pennsylvania community just PLOP have admitted guilt. Schleuter and Mel Counts. might be too decadent for the Dean of the Foreign Service Well known for his off the shy, introverted native of Brook School Peter Krogh insists that court exploits, Kelly has gained lyn to handle. A very serious plans for the Arab funding of a considerable recognition as a tele student, Kelly has been known to new athletic complex at George vision performer. Possibly his spend his evenings engaging in town had been mentioned to him most widely seen role was as a long, philosophic discourses with on previous occasions, but only character in a Timex watch Fr. Otto Hentz. for the purpose of a library and in commercial of several years ago. It Nonetheless, Kelly seems eager no way intended to influence any was here that John Cameron to make the best of his chance to members of the Georgetown com· munity. As explained to him, the Swazey attached a wristwatch to perform in the big time. "I made •• f, Kelly's tongue to prove that it Georgetown into a basketball proposed gym would be designed ,"'-, " ... '1 , • "1 lit It, would still work despite the abuse power," he declares, "and I plan to blend in with the existing .... it underwent. to do the same thing to Scranton. environment on campus. Always garrulous with re By the time I'm through, people The new complex will feature ~" camel ~tables for indoor polo, an Il t I, porters, Kelly had this to say will say, 'There will never be -I " ,I (/11 during the conference: "I am the another Michael Kelly.' " indoor track in the shape of a .",,1t ' greatest. There is no one like me. I We can only hope.