• News 3 Nothing in the least interesting, infor­ Cry Rape! mative, or that hasn't already been covered in the HOYA We have been raped. Arts 9 The Voice is very much like a woman: proud, sen­ A review of a play that closed two sitive, very aware of it's rightful place in the world. We weeks ago; a pretentious and verbose critique of an album that no one is go­ even run on our own cycle. But, unlike a woman, we ing to but anyway have a sense of honor, and that sense of honor has been . sullied by the shocking act that resulted in the theft of Cover 10 this newspaper, whose monetary value is approximately A last-ditch attempt to get people to get people to pick up our newsmagazine 1200 dollars. But the issue is not money, but rape. We in spite of the cliche-ridden prose and demand satisfaction, and, aga,in like a woman, we pro­ non-sequitor commentary. Behind bably won't get it. Sports II The facts in the case are simple. We work hard all Now that the basketball season is week gathering the news, sports, and features that you over, pretty lean pickings. Reports on see tastefully presented in our pages. Monday night we minor sports that get almost no funding theLinM and lose all the time. take what we in the newspaper business call "flats", worth around 1200 dollars, to our printers, the Nor­ C.S. Lewis once said that thern Virginia Sun. Sometime between nine and nine­ "You always hurt the one you eleven, the flats, (worth over a thousand dollars), were Board 0/ Worth love", and he almost certainly agree that, at least at Georgetown found to be missing, searched for, declared officially Mark Whimp. Antagonist-In-Chief stolen, returned, lost again, found, and declared a Na­ Miz Tam Pan, Barely Managing Jewess today, he was right. Though few admit it, Joe and Jane Hoya are tional Historical Monument. Ron Klain, Dirty Yellow Muckraker deeply into the dark, kinky world We accuse no one. But we ha.ve our well-founded Liz Snailer, Escargot of Worth of sado-masochism, and suspicions. Surely the first place to look is at the Hymie Schlonger, Sultan of Worth Georgetown is widely known Goldwyn-Dixon-Student Government-HOYA-clique, a Sammi Davis, Maharaji of Worth throughout the "S&M" world as Kevin Cocky, Ambassador of Worth a place you can) beat for the best veritable Tri-Iateral commission of influence and iIi­ Margaret Useless, Troll of Worth in the erotic infliction of pain. cestuous positions. Not ten minutes .befor the theft did Carolyn Token, Mammie of Worth S&M comes in many forms, twelve different people with connections with this The Frito DiRito, Guinea of Worth from the rather tame self-torture shadowy underground say that if they had there way, Julia Frisked, Feature Creature of hanging on to a relationship Valerie N. Reitman, Editor Incompleta they would do away with the Voice and everything it that died a long time ago, to the Beth Unknown, Worth Poster Child stands for. sophisticated pleasures of whipp­ Chris Fake, Worthless What, we ask, could be clearer, more sinister, than Michael Macho, Embezzler ing the daylights out of that cute Washington Kitsocs, Duke of Worth brunette in your accounting class. that? Ken Knice-Guy, Pervert of Worth And enjoying it. We found the Like a woman we demand satisfaction. But, in Lorenzo Mooch-ali, Sponge of Worth common stereotype of the sadist response to this unconscionable seduction or" the spirit Pablo Dustbin, Impressionist as a wild eyed Nazi stormtrooper of the First Amendment, we find the commission named Peter Pompous, King of Worth to be patently false; as well, the to bring our view of truth to light to be filled with the' idea that masochists are all wimps and. pantywaists doesn't I cronies of the very clique ()t we khow did the nefarious Vol. No, Mark jive with the truth. They are deed in the first place, as if one's rapist were 'also one's April 1, 1980 everyday people, just like you gynecologist. Dare we allow this unspeakable sham to. The HOYA and me, except they only really continue? . get excited when they are listen­ We want another investigation. We want an impartial ing to the sharp squeals of their committee, made up of faculty members (who have lover as the ropes bite deeper and The opinions expressed are those of the deeper into sweaty, straining nothing better to do) to get the facts in this case. It will Editorial Board and do not represent flesh ... not not be difficult. We have them all. We want to drag the views of the Editor-In-Chief,a Well. All we know is, out respectable God fearing young man. this charade out as long as possible, because otherwise The opinions expressed do not there tonight, there are screams why will anyone pay attention to us? necessarily represent the view of the Ad­ of something not quite agony and We wish we could be more optimistic about this; we ministration, Faculty, and Students yet not yet ecstasy, something unless specifically stated. The U niversi­ that even we've never quite dared simply cannot. The Voice is like a woman, and right ty suscribes to the principle of responsi­ to touch. Until now. now, we are on the rag. Libertie, Egalitie, Fraternitia! ble freedom of expression for our stu­ Remember the Potemkin! In Circumis Maximus! dent editors. The reader assumes all liability for accepting all news printed We ask the Georgetown Community to answer our within as anything more than un­ cry of help. substantiated second hand rumors. Send all litter to: The Georgetown Voice (a.k.a. as the cover for the HOY A's April Fools edi­ tion) was composed in good clean fun. The Georgeto~n Void by the editorial board of the HOY A, c/o Maria "Cat Woman" Laurino last ,weekend when they should have (see cover) been studying. P.O. Box 69 Artsy Fartsy Land, D.C. Offices: Copley Basement (202) 625-4554. Hope you didn't take it personally. The Black Student Association eating licorice al midnighl during a hiackoul. The Georgetown Voice by Mark Jittelbrains P.R. Flak For Your Inflamation: Jim Marchiony "Who got the answers to the Sociology basketball team, Jim realizes that his is a lonely hoops are in fashion, Marchiony hyperven­ test?" Go ask Marchiony. "Who does Sleepy job. "You're damn right it's lonely. No one tilates alot. sleep with?" Go ask Marchiony. "What size else wants to do it. This place runs through underwear does Thompson take?" Go ask SID's faster that Shelton runs through Marchiony graduated summa cum nada Marchiony. "Who cares about Marchiony?" sneakers. Hey--wait a minute. That's a good from St. Bonavivant, and after a stint as Go ask his mother. statistic. Just how many sneakers does Shelton fashion designer for Spalding, Inc. came to Jim Marchiony is the Sports Information go through? Georgetown. It was here he discovered the fun Director for GU. Ii is his job to make sure that of making up statistics. However, he seems to the reporters for the newpapers and magazines Marchiony arrives for work every morning be rather limited in his version of Georgetwon of the mation get the information that they so at 9:00 AM wearing the tacky garments that sports. "What do you mean there are other vitally need, like how many points does Eric make everyone around him snicker. For some sports here besides basketball?" Smith usually score on rainy Thursdays in reason, however, they are a source of special January when the combined shoe size of the pride to him. "See this jacket? I got this in '68. Frank Connors and John Blake, former opposing team is 57Y2 EEE. Knowing full well I'm positive it will come back in style. Nehru SID's who now have real jobs, were the models that the average Joe and Jane Hoya in the Pub jackets are so practical." Most of the rest of for Marchiony .. "I realize that I have big shoes are far more interested in hearing a Springsten Marchiony's day is filled with oxygen intake. to fill. But I'm doing my best." Maybe. He still song than in knowing minute details about the But not during the basketball season. When trips alot. Because we want you to help us celebrate this Dewer's Profiles milestone in the history Theodore Robert (Ted) Bundy of the religion, we're throwing the biggest, Age: 32 goshdarn party this sad, Occupation: Law Stu­ dent, babysitter little planet has ever Home: Tacoma, seen. And for the next Washington twenty years years we'll Hobbies: Politics, travel, - be picking up the bill at dating, mass murder Last Accomplishment: Hi. This is Pope John Paul. weekly get-togethers at each of our thirty-four Defended self in a You know, two thou­ celebrated trial for the thousand branches bludgeon killings of two sand years is a pretty throughout the Western long time; a lot longer sorority girls; maintained World. I should tell you sense of humor though than the United States that we've resurrected decision ultimately went has even been a nation. the ancient Christian against him. But that's how long the­ love feast that helped Last book read: In Cold organization I'm head of put us where we are to­ Blood I Profile: Witty, urbane, homicidal. Moody yet passionate, Ted has been working for day, to which we've add­ you.