THE CAMPUS SPOTLIGHT internshipISSUE Jordan McKinley you during Parents’ Weekend editor-in-chief Veronica Hansen TT: How was Parents’ Weekend different than any other regular weekend? Texas Travesty: So what cool things did you do this Managing editor Stephen Short Parents’ Weekend? JM: Well, most weekends I don’t get out of my dorm much. I usually spend most of the weekend Jordan McKinley: Well, gosh! I’m not sure I can even catching up on my studying, or looking for jobs or internships. Most Saturday nights, I go bowling DESIGN EDITORs matt Hutcheson Mark Estrada remember all of them! We started the weekend off right in the Union with some friends, and turn in early so I can wake up for church the next morning. After church on Sundays, I usually watch some football, play some ping-pong, dust my room, and with a proper guided tour of campus. Did you know there ART EDITOR Chris Friend are 10 totally different ways they light the Tower? After we then look over my notes for Monday classes. Associate editors Ross Luippold brushed up on the ol’ Forty Acres, the rents and I scooted TT: So why won’t you let your parents open your closet this weekend? on over to the University Co-op to buy official JM: Well... uh... my roommate, he has this thing, where he, uh, doesn’t want anyone to see his Thejaswi Maruvada 2007 Parents’ Weekend collective memorabilia collection of... um... Playboys? Right? People still read Playboy, right? And he doesn’t want anyone to distribution francisco Marin to remember the weekend by. see them. I don’t have anything in there, though. What would I have to hide? Are you trying to say director I’m hiding something? ‘Cause I’m not. I need to go study. writing staff Megan Jackson Turn-ons: Co-op refunds, parent-funded Jon Neal meals at Chuy’s, concealed compartments, Turn-offs: Video games, parties with alcohol, staying Michael Prohaska studying and getting As, staying in shape up late, Jester Wendy’s, my roommate’s psychedelic Stuart Stutzman with IM sports, eating vegetables, getting flower vase, skipping class, peer pressure, my Malcolm Wardlaw 8 hours of sleep, keeping the Sabbath holy, Spring Break Facebook album, rap, Texas A&M Neal Barenblat (boo Aggies!), experimentation, uncleared UT pride, sensible and safe fun, bowling, a steady Stephen Stecker history on my Web browser, anti-Bush girlfriend, internships, hearing stories from back Design Staff Julia Iacoviello bumper stickers, Sixth Street (from what home, my RA, showering and shaving each Matty Greene I’ve heard), tuition bills, my illegitimate son, day, Texas History Museum, the PCL, 11 p.m. Lesley Dixon the end of Parents’ Weekend bedtime, good influences Alyssa Peters Sara Shih on people’s dry-erase boards, and then grow the and original as the lights-off, missionary sex you Libby Sanders fuck up. Seriously. won’t be having. Publicity staff Sara Nienkerk • Oh yes, you’ve stolen a lunch tray from Jester, • Ordering the New York Times for class doesn’t Zak Kinnaird perhaps even a salt shaker or two, but have you make you smarter, it just means you have more around administrative Emily Guerrero ever killed a man? recycling to not do. assistants Laura Ryan • The Nike shorts are here for your protection. • Including “eating lunch,” “masturbating,” and And to clearly identify the sluts. “getting high” on your to-do list isn’t what your Phillip Paquette campus Rachel Colson • Liberal, white freshmen who voted for Obama Moleskine notebook had in mind. have yet to overcome their fear of the Malcolm X • Don’t fucking sit next to me, queef. There are five Matt Lester • Construction workers who labor under the Lounge. empty rows ahead of us. Matt Ingebretson bright lights of the UT stadium are only achiev- • Have you ever just wanted to swing your back- • Students will attempt to refrain from making ing half of their high school dream. contact pack as hard as you can as some guy passing on judgments when they see a fat girl with a big ol’ • Frat pledges will quickly learn to suppress their phone 512-471-7898 his bicycle? ...No? ...Me neither. bag of candy. left-handedness, lactose intolerance and other email [email protected] • Your efforts to find the ultimate party pad for • That guy who took your parking place is also “assorted faggotry.” web www.texastravesty.com next year will be hopelessly derailed with your banging your girlfriend and getting presents from • The pre-maturely gray-haired freshman finds mail Texas Travesty • UT Austin discovery that the only thing worse than your your parents. p.O. Box D • Austin, TX 78713 solace in the fact that, unlike the Albino kids, he roommate’s extensive Digimon collection is his • Girl, how you so tan? can go bowling in the Union. editors emeritus credit score. • Zounds! Unhand my Snickers, you mechanical • Don’t worry, the PTS officer won’t take it person- • That pompous know-it-all in your class probably fiend! I deposited the requisite currency, now Kevin Butler Todd Nienkerk ally if you defecate on his gay electric pod-thing. doesn’t have actual friends or parents, so go easy shuffle that novelty treat off its mortal coil or I 1997 2003-2005 • A freshman will have a life-changing epiphany on him. shall shuffle you off yours! Brad Butler Kristin Hillery about God, science, and the nature of mankind 1997-2000 2005-2006 • Wanna see boobs? Next time you see girls sun- • I’m gettin’ some real good WiFi in here, bro. after seeing a debate in the West Mall. Mean- Ben Stroud David Strauss bathing topless face down, yell, “Is that Matthew • Rule #1: If your professor doesn’t show up within 2000-2001 2006-2007 while, the guy sitting next to you is masturbating McConaughey over there?” They love that guy! ten minutes, you’re allowed to leave. Rule #2: You to stay awake. Trevor Rosen • People who answer “aquí” instead of “here” in are required to pummel anyone who mentions 2001-2003 • Nobody admires you for pronouncing ‘gyro’ Spanish class still press 1 for English. Rule #1. correctly. • The Forty Acres Fest served as a another remark- • Adderall may serve as a gateway to hardcore • Students from broken homes will whine about legalese able opportunity to remind the public that the drugs, but no Adderall is a gateway to failing your having to have two Thanksgivings while ignoring The Texas Travesty is the student humor pub- University still has plenty of tables. classes and not fitting in with the cool kids. lication at the University of Texas at Austin, the homeless on the Drag. published monthly by the permanent and • You, Madam, riding the bus! I can tell by the way • Seniors out of high school become college fresh- contributing staff. The Travesty is a work of • Hey, hot girl! Feel free to emasculate me in front (hopefully) humorous fiction. Except where you let your book satchel claim a seat unto itself man, but seniors out of college become the fresh- public figures are involved, characters are not of all your slutbag friends anytime! I enjoy our based on any real person. Any resemblence to that you fancy yourself to be “all that” in addition man of life! Seniors of life become the freshman platonic friendship! any persons living or dead is coincidental. The to a bag of potato chips, but I assure you, you are of DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!! views expressed in the Travesty do not reflect • Frat guys will do something with Keystone and the views of Texas Student Publications, the neither! • Freshmen will be disappointed when they dis- University of Texas at Austin or pretty much Polo shirts and we’ll laugh about it. anyone. All material printed is property of the • Surly fratboy drunks are wondering who da fuck cover their T-shirts from orientation don’t fit by Travesty. The Texas Travesty is not intended for • The Snarky Cockgobblers Association will be readers under 18 years of age, regardless of drank all the Natty Light. Thanksgiving. meeting in the back of the CMA auditorium dur- the pretty pictures. • The pan-handlers on the drag aren’t buying booze • Are you buzzed yet, man? I’m pretty buzzed. ing every RTF class this semester. Please refrain and smack with your spare change, they are pool- • Students will be alarmed when the rogue 40 Acres shout outz to... from attending if you have ever admitted to ing their resources for the construction of the bus driver turns right on San Jacinto. enjoying anything, ever. gargantuan karma machine. • Your parents are having hot, nasty sex in your • Let’s all go play ultimate frisbee in the quad, then • Taking a date to Mt. Bonnell is about as suave bed right now. watch Old School in the lounge, write zany things

Cartoons Fake Ads Staff Ad Damn Dirty Apes Religion Chart Photos Compilation best of Chris Friend Alyssa Peters Libby Sanders Mark Estrada Ross Luippold Matty Greene Ross Luippold Jon Neal Thejaswi Maruvada Matt Hutcheson 2007-08 Centerspread Matty Greene Flash Mob Brave New Books Yellow Journalism Mark Estrada Chris Friend Malcolm Wardlaw Matt Hutcheson Dating Advice Ross Luippold Stephen Short Staff Cover Staff Chris Friend Thejaswi Maruvada Thejaswi Maruvada Malcolm Wardlaw credits Matt Hutcheson Staff Ross Luippold Alyssa Peters Alyssa Peters © 2008 Texas Travesty. All rights reserved. Circulation: 25,000 REPRINTIng old material since 1997 NEWS • 3 Air traveler so pissed off at 9/11 right now Thejaswi Maruvada Mancini believes McCormick’s griev- associate editor ances were unfounded. “So that broad said, ‘I’m gonna NEW YORK — United Airlines flight smoke my cigarettes on this flight,’ 1090 passenger Kayleigh McCormick and I said ‘eyyyyyy, come on, fagged- expressed her displeasure with the aboudit ­— capisce?” said Mancini as events of September 11, 2001, dur- he sprinkled fresh Parmesan cheese ing a recent trip to New York by on his Mama’s spaghetti during his claiming that extra security measures lunch break. Mancini continued, “I’m taken by the Transportation Security walkin’ here!” Administration to protect Americans Flight attendant Karen Postell from terrorist threats ruined her travel agreed that McCormick’s actions were experience. unwarranted. “I was hoping to have a nice week- “She stood up in the middle of the end with my Marky-poo,” explained aisle — while the seat belt light was on, McCormick, who was traveling to mind you — and begin ranting about Manhattan to visit her boyfriend, Mark how she wanted to kill whoever caused Weirman. “But nooooo — 9/11 had to 9/11,” said Postell as she restocked seat come along and screw everything up.” pockets with the latest issue of Sky McCormick cited numerous incon- Mall. “Her seatback and tray table were veniences caused by airport security that not in their upright position when we led to her irritation towards Sept. 11. were landing — she really was out of “They wouldn’t let me carry on her mind.” my razor — which I was going to McCormick claims she remembers use to shave my legs in the lavatory. the “good times,” before the country My legs were all prickly and gross was plunged into great depths of grief ■ McCormick realizes she should have left her Acme bomb at home.Photo/Travesty when my sweetums picked me up and despair, and when air travel was at JFK,” lamented McCormick, who enjoyable. to open her peanut bag because TSA friend upon arriving in New York, arts and crafts session with the pilots,” was also forced to hand over a pair of “If 9/11 hadn’t happened, my snoo- agents confiscated her scissors. “But McCormick was detained by JFK complained McCormick as she sat nunchuks, which she was bringing as a kums could have been waiting for thanks to dumb old 9/11, we couldn’t police officers for questioning because handcuffed to a chair in a cold, damp gift for Weirman. “Ugh. Why couldn’t me with hugs and kisses at the gate. d o t h at .” of her actions on the flight. interrogation room. “I really hope 9/11 have happened after I went on We would’ve been the happiest cou- McCormick added, “9/11 is like one “I really don’t understand why I George Bush can win the war on ter- this trip?” ple in the whole wide world,” said of the worst things ever.” can’t walk up to the cockpit with my ror so I don’t have to go through this Airport security officer Frankie McCormick as she struggled mightily Rather than seeing her boy- box-cutters to have an impromptu again.” University students fail to save Darfur Stephen Stecker optimistic, raising money and in- funds for displaced Darfur refugees. staff writer creasing awareness of the ethnic con- The $87.13 raised by Wash Away flict have proved ineffective at end- Genocide will be donated towards CAMPUS — Despite their diligent, ing the humanitarian catastrophe. relieving the estimated $6 billion in dedicated work, students at the Uni- A bake sale held on the West Mall, damages resulting from the conflict. versity have failed to save Darfur. Donuts for Darfur, failed to end the “This has been such a fabulous, Many students were initially optimis- rampant starvation in the region. successful event,” said event coordi- tic about the chance to bring peace to “Not only am I eating a delicious nator and president of the Alpha Chi the troubled African region follow- baked good, but I’m also helping out Tau sorority Jaime Hampton in her ing Student Government’s successes people in need,” said freshman Eric tight-fitting, Darfur-shaped bikini. in securing funding for the Student Beasley on his way to his $2400-a- “People — especially older men — Activity Center, removing the bever- month West Campus luxury condo have been so generous in helping age ban at the PCL, and holding suc- complete with a 40-inch plasma tele- save the poor Africans. I really can’t cessful Democratic elections. vision and clean, running water. “I’ve thank them enough for their dona- “I thought to myself, ‘We’re Tex- heard things are getting pretty bad tions, because ‘stopping genocide’ as, and what starts here changes over there so I would donate more, is going to look amazing on my law the world,’” said SG foreign ambas- but I really need to save any spare school application.” sador Abigail Rosen, who has reg- cash to get this awesome iPhone car University students have also istered trademarks for Democrats charger I really want.” tried the power of the pen to combat for Darfur, Dudes for Darfur, and While the number of Darfur ac- ■ Though these may look like ordinary men, these three gents con- genocide, writing Daily Texan Fir- Dogs for Darfur. “It will take a lot tivism campaigns and charity drives sistently raise awareness — and da roof — for Darfur. Photo/Travesty ing Lines condemning the Sudanese of hard work and effort, but why not continue to rise, student activists’ government for supplying the Janja- start saving the world right here, high hopes for resolving the con- president of the Student Anti-Geno- chalk — and for what?” weed militia with money and assis- right now — one African nation at flict have quickly dimmed as rape, cide Alliance as he proudly donned Student organizations have expe- tance. Unfortunately, according to a time? Our newly opened Darfur murder and torture persists in the a Save Darfur T-shirt, which conve- rienced some success in combating intelligence experts, Sudanese presi- Affairs Division even got an office region. niently identifies in red where the the rampant food shortages and in- dent Omar Bashir does not receive in the Union right next to the good “In spite of our self-sacrificing, troubled African province is located. fectious diseases, however. Student a copy of The Daily Texan, as Bashir b at h ro om s .” righteous work, the pillaging of Dar- “Countless hours writing ‘Help Dar- activists held a parking lot car wash has a long history of harsh aversion Although Rosen continues to be fur continues,” bemoaned Matt Fink, fur Now’ on the Drag in sidewalk at the Taco Cabana on MLK to raise toward all major Texas newspapers. NEWS • 3 4 • news texas travesty • best of 2007-08 No one cares if freshman lives, dies Stuart Stutzman endowment funds and their parents’ him,” said Chen as he hastily crossed like, ‘this guy just doesn’t get it.’ It’s reported they were “sick and tired” staff writer incomes.” 21st Street to avoid brief, friendly depressing.” of hearing about his high school “It’s totally normal for Brendon to eye-contact with a high school class- Chen added: “Lately I try to get Advanced Placement scores. Jester CAMPUS — Almost a month into feel that he’s significant in ‘the eyes mate. “I mean, smiling at the JCL ca- as far away from Brendon as pos- West 6th floor RA Chad McCullen the fall semester, psychology fresh- of Texas,’” said University Health shiers, greeting people on the street sible. No matter how many times I simply queried, “Who’s Brendon man Brendon Farrelly does not com- Services counselor Laurie French as and not pretending to adjust the ‘forget’ to let him in at night or pack Farrelly?” prehend that his classmates couldn’t she stirred bourbon into her coffee. ringer on his phone when he sees a up all his stuff and put it in the hall, When asked to comment on Far- care less if he was alive or not. “But they’re normally able to fall in West Mall tabler trying to hand him he’s still all smiles.” relly’s emotional health, his parents Valedictorian of a graduating class line with the rest of the sheep within a flyer? When I saw him wave at a Chen isn’t alone in his desire to refused to comment, claiming they of 17, Farrelly is still adjusting to the a week or two by simply accepting kid from his philosophy class while be both physically and emotionally had “more important things to wor- “sheer magnitude” of the University. that they don’t matter. One thing holding the door for someone I was, distant from Farrelly. Neighbors ry about.” “I found out how large campus was during orientation, but I never that snaps them out of their delu- anticipated 50,000 students crowd- sion is the realization that they can ing the sidewalks and classrooms never really return home. If they all at the same time,” explained Far- can deal with that, it’ll knock them relly as he tightened his grip on the down to earth with the rest of us in multiple University Co-Op shop- no time.” ping bags slowly swaying from both As she took the 24-hour emergen- hands. “But it’s OK because my RA cy-counseling phone off the hook, is the coolest. He always sits with French continued, “If his room- me during our weekly floor din- mates, classmates, academic advi- ners at J2. Did you know they have sors, friends, parents and God don’t a waffle maker there that cooks the care about him, then why should I?” Longhorn logo into your waffle? Farrelly’s roommate, geology Aw e s om e .” sophomore Peter Chen, also believes Farrelly’s bloated sense of im- Farrelly needs to understand that no portance within the student body one cares about his well-being. Al- is a common occurrence amongst though their interactions are ami- freshman at larger state universities, cable, Farrelly’s pleasant demeanor according to a University Health and naïve optimism has begun to Services study, which concludes: destroy their once warm relation- “first-year students are small, insig- ship. nificant cogs in an unimaginably “I love Brendon like a brother, but ■ Farrelly, whose efforts to introduce himself to professors, TAs and upperclassmen have been met with barely huge machine, lubricated only by I’m really starting to worry about concealed laughter, is seen reevaluating his previously held notion that he is significant. Photo/Travesty Moral relativist canine rejects ‘Good Dog’ label Ross Luippold preferably with eyebrow piercings, sively paternalistic regulations.’ He simply by eliminating any alterna- right, boy?” associate editor continued, “Suddenly, Sparky stood still growls at other puppies at the tive.” Pausing to refill Sparky’s wa- Hilbert added: “At least, that’s up on his hind legs, and biped- dog park, but he quickly lets them ter bowl with merlot, he continued, what I think he means by barking PORTLAND — Convenience store ally paced about the room saying, know he’s not morally judging them “And ol’ Sparks still thinks Marx and chasing his own tail. Of course, employee and dog owner Greg ‘Well, that brings us to an interest- as much as he just wants to sniff rejected traditional standards of so- he might just be mad because I had Hilbert has recently observed that ing point — who is a good dog in their rears.” cietal morality altogether. Isn’t that him neutered against his will.” Sparky, his 3-year-old Cairn terrier, today’s day and age? For that mat- Aside from walking on his hind has highly developed senses of hear- ter, who are we to determine what legs, Sparky has written letters to ing, smell and ethical authenticity. constitutes as good? Sure, I could his legislators urging them to re- Although many liberals in aca- fetch the squeeze ball and sit when evaluate domestic and foreign poli- demia have embraced moral relativ- ism, the idea that no moral or ethical you tell me to sit, but in other parts cies, “Isn’t it interesting,” Sparky ideals are inherently better or worse of the world, such blind obedience writes in crudely formed penman- than one another, the canine popu- is considered blasphemous.’” ship and paw prints, “That Amer- lation has largely been unexposed to Sparky’s newfound relativist out- ica claims to combat communism, the idea — until Sparky. look has led him to defecate in city but when I’m eating poisoned dog “When I picked him up from obe- parks, despite signs forbidding such food from China, I wonder if this is dience school on graduation day, behavior, and to fiercely guard his land of values, or only the value of I feverishly rubbed his belly and Constitutionally-protected private the dollar?” asked if he’s a good boy,” said Hill- property from any cats, rodents or But Sparky’s changes go further bert from his one-bedroom high airplanes he perceived as invading than his correspondence. rise where his Afro-folk jam band his territory. “We have lively debates,” said Hil- rehearses. “But instead of playfully “Sparky has always been a bit of bert as he fetched an issue of Reason barking in response and begging for a renegade,” remarked Hilbert as he magazine from his mailbox. “I hold a treat, Sparky got this deep look in wiped dog saliva from Nietzsche’s firm to the position that Marx be- his eyes, as if he wasn’t so sure who Beyond Good and Evil. “But now lieved the bourgeoisie, with superior was a good dog anymore.” that he’s opened his cute, beady eyes skills and cognitive capacity, would Hilbert, who has begun bring- to the flaws of Canine-American ultimately impress their moral stan- ing Sparky to dog parks in hopes of ethnocentrism, he’s become even dards on the working class, thereby ■ Sparky is one “dog-matic” pup who can be found educating himself meeting quasi-Trotskyist women, more critical of the state’s ‘offen- creating one true ethical standard with the current events when he isn’t eating his own vomit. Photo/Travesty 4 • news www.texastravesty.com reprinting old material since 1997 NEWS • 5

Name: Hickory Street Bar and Grill; Width: 22p9; Depth: 11.5 in; Color: Black, Hickory Street Bar and Grill; Comment: Travesty; Ad Study: Vaginas are gross Number: 00030211 Ross Luippold infant’s mouth with a cold sore.” associate editor The study, which sampled a ran- dom selection of heterosexual men, CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — An exhaus- Yeast surveyed how frequently the sub- tive study meticulously investigated by FUR jects desired contact with a vagina. Harvard University biologists has con- Proximity to Eighty percent of those polled claim cluded that the female vagina, long ASS to “strongly desire” vaginal contact fre- STANK considered a source of mystery and quently; however, the number dimin- occasional pleasure, is quite disgusting. ished to 36 percent when actually “The puzzlement of female genitalia Period touching the “dank, clammy orifice,” has confounded mankind for genera- misc juicesother andcrap Stuff and a solid zero percent after ejacula- tions,” wrote Dr. John T. Ashman, who tion. The leading cause of the marked co-authored the report. “Why do men decrease of interest in “the Sarlaac Pit” Breakdown of Why Vaginas are Gross seek it out? Is it simply instinct to seek Breakdown of Why was the crude appearance, the foul Vaginas are Gross out a mate with whom procreation odor, the unfriendly user interface, is most enjoyable? More importantly, and/or a combination of all three. why the hell would anyone ever want But not all are in agreement with the to go near one of those things?” controversial report. Added Dr. Ashman: “The most “Vaginas are sweet,” retorted blog- generous thing we can say about the ger Melvin Schneider from a midtown vagina is that it’s a mixed blessing.” Manhattan coffee bistro. “Every single Harvard scientists had concluded in time I have sex with a vagina — which their 1999 report, Breasts: Awesome, But I do a lot — I’m thinking the whole Why? that the female body is a baffling time, ‘having sex with a vagina is the conundrum of biological parts that men best thing ever,’” explained Schneider, can intellectually recognize are nothing who has also blogged extensively on more than flesh and tissue, yet some- Basic Instinct and Georgia O’Keeffe. how possess otherworldly qualities that “I could probably be a gynecologist, often induce primitive behavior such because whenever my penis is hav- as pub fights, abandonment of per- ing sexual intercourse, the woman is sonal hopes and dreams, and eyeballs always all like, ‘Ooh, your sexual skills protruding out of their sockets when a are unmatched by my other sexual part- beautiful woman is sighted. ners! I particularly enjoy the manner However, the new study determined in which you stimulate my clitoris and that males’ attraction to mammary Gräfenberg spot!’” glands is equally as confusing as their Schneider then asked any “hot longing to touch a vagina. ladies” at an adjoining table to check “While breasts are at least aestheti- out his Match.com profile. cally pleasing,” Dr. Ashman writes, While some are wary of the report, “the vulva is often omitted from classic Ashman feels that the public will come Genitals Possession of Weird artistic works, and there’s damn good to accept his proposition. “Maybe People with People without reason for it. I mean, have you serious- women will imitate men’s infamous Vaginas Vaginas ly ever seen one of these things? Even genital hygiene. The penis — now there well-kept labias look like a premature is a good, clean, model genital.” *Graph information from SCIENCE Jeopardy! to kill someone off for fall sweeps BURBANK — Producers of press conference, “The current writ- ancient Babylonian burial grounds?” the popular syndicated quiz show ers strike means that programs like Blake declined to comment whether Jeopardy! have announced that they Jeopardy! are more popular than ever, host Alex Trebek himself could be will attempt to boost the show’s and we plan on shaking things up a the victim, but noted that the show Nielsen ratings by promoting the bit. Will audiences hear announcer is still recovering from “the mus- untimely death of an unknown con- Johnny Gilbert give death threats in tache debacle,” and hinted that one to testant or crew member. Jeff Blake, the form of a question? Or will a three more exclamation points may Vice Chairman of Sony Pictures member of the Clue Crew endure a be added to the show’s title to bring Entertainment, announced in a horrible accident while trespassing on in the “24 demographic.” Rapper can’t hear you DOWNTOWN — Hip-hop art- fans. Club patrons reported that of narcotics, and distraction caused ist Poppa K informed his audience Poppa K, strongly desiring a louder by ubiquitous twerking. Following a at Club Element last Friday night reply to his informal poll of what per- disappointing response from club- that their initial response to his rap centage of the audience was having goers, Poppa K directly instructed stylings remained inaudible above a good time, “will give [us] another audience members to “shout [the the pulsating bass and piercing beats chance.” However, the audience’s chorus] out at [me] one more time,” dominating the club. “I can’t hear perceived underperformance was before making unfavorable compari- nothin’ y’all sayin’,” chastised Poppa K not intentional, rather a combina- sons between his current audience as he shook his head from the stage tion of failure to properly understand and a recent Houston concert’s more overlooking a crowd of perplexed instructions, pervasive inhalation enthusiastic attendees.

NEWS • 5 6 • features texas travesty • best of 2007-08

REJECTED

FLASHMOBIDEAS #1 7:21 PM on 2-08-08 R3b3L y3LL Ghost Mob aint skeerd Afer that zombie mob last month, me and ol’ JimBob276 wer thinkin about a “totally awesome” ghost mob. September 7th, round about 10pm everybody ‘ll show up outside of the Carver place wearing scary white robes. A bunch of burning sticks attached to other, kinda ‘perpundikelar’ burning sticks will mark the spot and make it all scary lookin’. Git yer ghost costumes at the Bozeman, MT Virginia Dare Society Hall at 8pm. Male - 28 years old 366 posts May need to bring some rope. Just in case. since Aug. 2005 Report Quote

ll you rabble r. Potter Arousers, lis- Mthinks the ten here! ere's whole world re- going to be a volves around Mark Davila’s Note 4:29 PM on 2-01-08 #3 mob activity, of him and his cul- Mark’s Profile | Send the ash variety, tomorrow! tural zeitgeist! Well it doesn't buUTtee RE: The Vote It'll be completely hep, as they Mr. Potter. I'd say you were blerg say. Early tomorrow morn- nothing but a scurvy, little OK, so last weeks flash mob was kind of a Mark’s Notes Notes about Mar ing, everyone shall meet spider. An overly-ironic, con- disaster. We were all supposed to show up at the Bailey Building and formist, passe, little spider. at the FAC and go into those little booths Loan and stand outside and and collectively pull some levers above some heeeyy ladiez get their money. At the same names. But apparently everybody just got 9:13pm Today time! And bankrupt it! And stoned and played Guitar Hero at john’s place then I'll give you all 50 cents The ATX instead. Eh. Lookin’ forward to next weeks on the dollar! It'll be tops I This one isn't going to require Female - 19 years old tower worship thing. Gonna be sweet! tell you! much planning so were good 976 posts But remember, no matter since Sep. 2007 Report Quote ta go whenevah what that square George Bai- ley tells you, your money will All the ladiez here get not be in Joe's house, or in together out on the south the Kennedy house, or Mrs. mall like tomorrow or Macklin's house, or a hun- something. No dudes, right, 3 Photo taken during the course dred others. just the ladiez. Down on the of Flash Mob Operation: Beat the corner of the six pack near Everloving Shit Out of the First the fountain there'll be this Person You See guy wearing a striped polo shirt and a red sox cap. 9:29 AM on 2-11-08 #14 now everybody take off your GUNnCANNoLI clothes and start makin' out Flash “Legitimate Olive Oil Business” This Friday I <3 Capers with that one dude. its gonna At 5:37 all yous guys meet up with vinny427 at 3rd and Trapani st. Gonna be two black sedans be hillarious, bro. But no waitin in the alley. Everybody pile in! Make room in da back! Den vinny427 will drive us to the place. dudes. It won't be kewl you Youll figure what ta do when we get there. know, if there are dudes. And if anyone wanted to have sex -Time: 5:37 ta 5:40. After that everybodys got esactly 2 minutes and 10 seconds to get da hell out with the random guy (in the a there. Trust us, doncor4ever timed it. Seriously. Scram. red sox cap) that'd be even Queens, NY -Location: Salvatories Italian Restaurant funnier. lol But no dudes. Male - 47 years old 14 posts Keep it a secret and make sure dis doesn’t get out, lol :) NO DUDES! since Aug. 2003 Or we’ll kill you.

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6 • features www.texastravesty.com reprinting old material since 1997 PAID ADVERTISEMENT • 7

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82.3

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Violence in the Media the in Violence Average number of TAKS Test preparation courses per school district district *source: the Army ‘Masturbation’ Wikipedia entry masturbated to ARLINGTON — Arlington High history homework could probably School junior Jordan Robinson mas- wait.” Robinson emphasized that turbated Saturday night after perus- the chance visit to the user-edited ing the Wikipedia article detailing online encyclopedia was not with- the history, physiology and methods out educational value, as he caught of autoeroticism. “I was research- a cursory glance of Kant’s moral ing Crispus Attucks for history class argument opposing masturbation when I wondered if this site had an while ejaculating into a tube sock. entry on masturbation,” Robinson Although Robinson discussed no said after ensuring his parents were further explicit plans for Wikipedia- out of earshot. “I was just curious at related masturbatings, he expressed first, but after seeing the full-fron- desire to check the entries for “vagi- tal diagrams of clitoral stimulation na,” “oral sex,” and “pearl necklace” and the helpful tips on achieving to ensure that the pages are accurate a powerful climax, I realized my and kept up-to-date. Cesar Chavez statue actually JC Chasez CAMPUS — University offi- cials are in disbelief following the revelation Monday morning that the bronze monument purport- ing to be civil rights activist and former head of the United Farm Workers, Cesar Chavez, actually portrays the likeness of former *NSYNC member JC Chasez. Latin American studies fresh- man Jennifer Finch first noticed the mix-up. “I was walking to class through the West Mall and passed the statue,” Finch recalled. “And instead of seeing the weath- ered, noble stare of Chavez, I saw the boyish good-looks of JC Chasez.” Finch quickly reported ■ Digital, digital get down! the problem to University presi- Photo/Travesty dent William Powers who called for the immediate removal of the the famous 1990s pop band but statue, on which Chasez is on despised Chavez’s fiery rhetoric. an elevated, multi-colored dance According to a University spokes- platform clutching a microphone. person, the statute will be relocat- A UTPD investigation revealed ed next to the sculpture of former the designer of the statute to be a Confederate President Jefferson dedicated *NSYNC fan who loved Davis who, like Chasez, was con- the friendly, feel-good music of sidered “the sporty one.”

8 • news www.texastravesty.com reprinting old material since 1997 NEWS • 9 Elderly man has no idea how he Fox cancels self Bored acquaintance also HOLLYWOOD — Fox ended up in Smart Car Broadcasting Corporation, one of the leading commercial televi- SAN FRANCISCO — Retiree and wife and I wouldn’t have to spend watched Doug sion networks in the United States grandfather of six Elmer Perwitski so much money on gas,” Cranston with annual profits in the billions, CAMPUS — Casual acquaintances the need to reminisce for the next 36 revealed Sunday afternoon that he is explained. But Perwitski remembers canceled itself Friday afternoon. Nathan Whitley and Katie Taylor dis- minutes. “Oh my God. Is that from baffled after finding himself in the things differently. “Where’s the back- The network has a history of pre- covered they shared a similar interest Doug? I used to love Doug!” exclaimed passenger seat of a Smart Car. “What is seat? Where are the kids going to sit maturely stopping production on during a Tuesday evening study ses- Taylor, to which Whitley responded, this? Where are we going?” the 84 year- on our road trip to the Disneyland?” popular programs such as Family sion when they both realized that they “Thanks. I thought it was a pretty good old asked a quickly passing fire hydrant Perwitski remained calmly befuddled Guy, Firefly, Arrested Development used to watch Nickelodeon’s Doug. The joke too. Kalookakoooo!! Hahaha. That’s as his son-in-law, Phil Cranston, drove until Cranston parked the car per- and Futurama. When questioned conversation arose when Whitley joked neematoads.” The pair then continued to the two home after a Whole Foods pendicular to the curb, at which point on their most recent cancellation, that he hoped the assignment they recall other Nickelodeon favorites such excursion in his Mercedes-produced Perwitski simply gazed into the dis- Fox president Peter Ligouri stated, were working on wasn’t going on his as Rocko’s Modern Life, AAAAAHHH! fuel-efficient vehicle. “Elmer couldn’t tance, placed his palms on his forehead “While we are critically revered as “peeeeermanent record.” Taylor imme- Real Monsters and that one show about seem to remember that I bought and requested several cases of sharp- the greatest broadcasting entity in diately recognized the reference and felt a dude ranch or whatever. the Smart Car a couple years so my ened pencils. existence, our Neilsen ratings were slowly declining, and that’s just not profitable enough to justify our con- Straight pride rally kind of gay tinued operation.” Ligouri justified Man falls for practical joke, woman AUSTIN — The Third Annual allegations that the festivities were his decision by pointing out that TAMPA — 24-year-old retail assis- as he took inventory of several sta- Young Conservatives of Texas just “a bigoted manifestation of ego- in recent months Fox has repeat- tant manager Larry Crowder recently plers on clearance. “Jane always plans Straight Pride Rally affirmed a sense centric homophobia,” event coordina- edly slotted shows like Prison Break fell for both his roommates’ elaborate ahead — last week she preemptively of heterosexual awareness amongst tor and flaming heterosexual Richard and Terminator: The Sarah Connor practical joke, as well as co-worker refilled the copy machine with paper those who participated Friday after- Johnson replied, “whatever, queer,” Chronicles against competitive pro- Jane Eaddy, a “down-to-earth, level- before it was empty! She has goals noon despite criticism that the dem- as he made his way to a podium to gramming such as the Superbowl, headed, practical woman.” Crowder and dreams, and I really think she’ll onstration was “kinda homo.” “I’m announce the winner of the hot dog Democratic presidential debates, 30 awoke Monday morning to discover achieve them, unlike Matt and Frank. so happy my lifestyle is accepted by eating contest to Queen’s “We Are Minute Meals with Rachael Ray and that his roommates, Matt Bennett, 23, The only thing they take seriously is mainstream society now,” said rally The Champions.” Johnson went on the Academy Awards red carpet pre- and Frank Johnson, 24, had replaced the next YouTube video I’m ‘starring’ attendee Grant Johnson as he adjust- to assert that “merely reproducing show. “I know it was risky to go up his shampoo with mayonnaise. While in.” Bennett, however, finds Crowder’s ed his “I just fucked your girlfriend” won’t be enough to get the message against those ratings titans, and Fox Crowder was not amused by the frustration amusing. “Man, Larry T-shirt while reapplying Tag body across — we’re straight, we don’t fel- suffered the consequences,” added prank, his day brightened consider- is such a chump. Sure, we had to Ligouri from his Bel Air estate. spray. The “hetero-friendly” event late, so get over it.” Following the rally, ably upon realizing that Eaddy had pay Jane $50 to flirt with him, but “Look on the bright side,” quipped featured an appearance by oiled-up spectator Brian Maxwell remarked sensibly rearranged the break room’s that’s way cheaper than Destiny, the a buoyant Ligouri, “we’ll most likely UFC heavyweight champion Randy that the demonstration was “a pretty magazine rack to complement the Hooters hostess he fell for.” Bennett release ourselves on DVD this fall Couture, a screening of 300, and life- good time,” but admitted it would employees’ likes and dislikes. “Jane’s added, “Hopefully he’ll be more care- and if enough revenue comes in, size cutouts of Madonna and Brittney have been even better “if some girls just one of those people with her ful when he realizes we cut the brakes we’ll bring ourselves back.” Spears making out. In response to had shown up.” head on straight,” Crowder gushed on his car.”

Name: University Village / Crossing; Width: 34p6; Depth: 5 in; Color: Black, University Village / Crossing; Comment: Travesty; Ad Number: 00030779

NEWS • 9 10 • FEATURES texas travesty • best of 2007-08

Wuzzles! Everyone’s favorite childhood rebus puzzle! Wuzzles Writers strike leads to are word and symbol puzzles that combine a knowledge of spacial bad Paris Hilton joke relations and vocabulary. NEW YORK — Conan O’Brien, her MySpace blog that her current host of NBC’s Late Night with Conan mood is ‘excited.’ But it turns out The Texas Travesty has come up O’Brien, felt the effects of the WGA she was only excited because she with some tricky word puzzles we strike during his Thursday mono- was having sex with lots and lots of Wuzzles just dare you to figure out. logue when a Paris Hilton joke, people, just like she always does!” his “bread and butter,” inexplicably The audience remained quiet at first, flopped. “So Paris Hilton is back in but erupted with laughter when Remember, the secret lies in the the news,” said O’Brien, setting up O’Brien alleviated the tension with missing concept, such as in, over, what he thought was a brilliant joke. his trademark self-deprecation and under, before, after, between. “Paris Hilton recently reported on then called Max Weinberg a rapist. 1 Local racist: ‘I’m not a racist’ COCK 4 F R 3 S AUSTIN — Local mechanic and Hodgeson’s blanket statements that N A I N S 49-year-old racist Ed Hodgeson “all stereotypes are 100 percent true” C C L

prefaced a bigoted remark with a during their mutual employment as K A

K

denial of personal racism Tuesday waiters, as well as his vicious tirades O K L

I

evening. “Look, I’m not a racist or against Canadians. Hodgeson, who N

COCK N R A F nothin’, I’m just sayin’ – the more believes that most people are afraid R Mexicans that come over the bor- to “tell it like it is,” has provided A 5 U der, the more regular people like us evidence against accusations of rac- get screwed,” Hodgeson comment- ism, offering his frequent dining at T O ed over a beer with his friend Joe Taco Bell, enjoyment of Rush Hour 7 Millard, a 36-year-old investment 3, and a casual African-American I Y banker. After making the statement, acquaintance from junior high. O Hodgeson clarified once again After silently validating his relative BROS HOES that he was “just sayin’.” Although dearth of bigotry with Hodgeson’s Millard first believed that Hodgeson xenophobia, Millard slept guiltlessly OITA was making an ironically racist that night in his upper-middle-class 2 statement to cleverly lampoon the home, which minorities and women VAGPENISINA

subtle marginalization of minorities with skills equal to his own would be

in America, he then remembered unable to afford. 6 shoppin’ be Women 7. Beauty

4. Aretha Franklin 5. Fellatio 6. Ideal American American Ideal 6. Fellatio 5. Franklin Aretha 4. Asshole to bring out-of-town WEIGHT ass! your Up 3. Vagina a in Penis 2. Block Cock 1.

assholes to asshole hotspot GROSSLY Key: CHICAGO — Thirty-four year- plans on buying a $500 designer old systems analyst and noted assh- shirt for the upcoming weekend, Shamu’s Happy Harbor isn’t •UT Tyler: Students are con- ole Mike Rooney announced plans initially planned on bringing his quite how you envisioned sistently late for class because Monday afternoon to entertain Don friends to Blackbeard Lounge, but Grimes and Kyra Wilbanks, two changed plans when the lounge’s working with Shamu. parking a tractor is easier asshole college friends of Rooney, “new pussy bartender wouldn’t fuck- •UT Brownsville: “GOOOO said than done. by taking them to Club Penthouse, a in’ hook [Rooney] up, even though OOOAAAAAAAAAAAA •UT Pan American: Where SAT trendy nightclub known to cater to [Rooney] would have tipped him an •UTA: Students won’t bother to AAAL!!!!!!!!!!” scores are “just a number.” an asshole clientele. “Me and Don, extra buck.” After receiving news of •UTSA: The new Starbucks •UT Pan American: Yeah, we we’re going to get so fucked up,” Rooney’s plans, Grimes remarked, correct anyone if they assume UTA refers to UT Austin. built on campus distributes don’t know where the fuck Rooney predicted while double- “Crazy old Roons. Son of a bitch degrees as napkins. this is either. parking his Hummer. “I wonder if probably hopes he’ll hook up with •UT Galveston: “Seriously Don still does that hilarious impres- Kyra like at the legendary Phi Psi ya’ll, I love the color of our •UTSA: The few remaining UT Pan American: This sion of Dr. Nguyen, our economics mixer in Fall ‘98.” Added Grimes, ocean. Brown is SO the new white students will hole school looks way better professor junior year.” Rooney, who “That goddamn asshole.” blue.” themselves up in the Alamo on an application than •Permian Basin: Popular to make their last stand Brownsville anyways. classes include: “Why not kill against Santa Anna’s innu- UTD: Come hang out in the yourself for living in Odessa merable offspring. student union! With over 101” and “How being an ex- •UTSA: Rampant depres- twenty pool tables, eight tra in a football movie four sion ensues when the dean foosball tables, and no one years ago can get you a job at pranks the student body by willing to stay on campus Exxon (for non-majors).” sending them acceptance after their classes, you’ll have •UT Brownsville: ¿Dondé letters to UT Austin, only to plenty of time to think about está la biblioteca? end the letter with “Gotcha! how close you got to being •UTSA: Serving fast food at You’re still worthless.” in the top ten percent!

10 • FEATURES www.texastravesty.com reprinting old material since 1997 features • 11 HARK! IT’S GODLIBS! Student finds niche as token No need to worry about ever being bored in class again! We’ve compiled a list of overweight frat guy our favorite passages from the Good Book. Notice there are a few words missing. Fill them in with whatever you feel is appropriate. The prophets sure did! WEST CAMPUS — Two hundred truffle-shuffle I’m forced to do every and seventy-five pound sophomore day worth it.” Holland’s fraternity broth- 1 Timothy 2:11-15 Brandon “Blubbo” Holland recently ers also speak highly of him. “Blubbo is woman should in quietness and full submission. 12 I do not permit a found a niche for himself when he great,” said Zach Kinsley, one of Sigma verb became a brother of the Sigma Phi Phi Epsilon’s athletic and normal-sized woman to or to have authority over a man; she must be . Epsilon fraternity, fulfilling their need of brothers. “We needed a goalie for our verb adjective 13 For Adam was formed first then . 14 And a token fat guy. Holland joined various intramural soccer team, and he’s a great esoteric female name proper noun student clubs and organizations upon wingman when we’re picking up girls was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became arriving at the University, but failed to downtown.” Holland now spends most fit in anywhere socially or physically. of his time around the fraternity house, a . 15 But ______will be saved through —if they continue in noun plural noun gerund “I love being a Sig Ep,” said Holland, which has caused issues for other resi- with propriety. the current intra-fraternity wing-eating dents who claim that when Holland three types of crime and beer chugging champion. “The sits around the house, he sits “around Leviticus 20:13-14 Leviticus 15:16-17 friendships and brotherhood make the the house.” hereby if a man lies with nd if any man's of noun Obama chooses McCain as running mate as he with copulation go out from him, then WASHINGTON, DC — for the Obama-McCain ticket and, 80’s music group verb a woman, both of them have he shall wash all his Presidential hopeful Barack Obama at the very least, be half as happy.” noun has formally announced that Sen. John Obama has touted his choice’s mili- an abomination. They shall in and be McCain, the presumptive Republican tary experience and bipartisan poli- past tense verb any liquidy substance contender for the White House, tics as strengthening his message of be put to death. Their until the even. 17 adverb noun adjective would be his choice for vice president. hope and change. Although sources shall be . 14 If a man And every , and every skin, “We want to change America,” said vary on whether McCain will be join- prepositional phrase noun Obama, after speaking at an ACLU- ing the Obama ticket, a key advisor marries a and her whereon is the of copulation, NRA rally in Duluth, Minnesota yes- was quoted as admitting that by join- race from Lord of the Rings noun mother, it is wickedness. They shall be shall be with water, and terday. “We want to provide citizens ing the Illinois’ senator’s presidential past tense verb with a simpler choice. Rather than bid, McCain “could gain more points with fire. be until the even. wasting your vote on a candidate that with the youth than he did with his past tense verb adjective won’t get elected, you can just vote Saturday Night Live appearances.”

“Hide the beer” Scare: A surefire way to strike fear in the heart of partygoers is to steal all the kegs, bottles, and cans when no one is looking. As a stunning silence grips the room, watch people console each other in light of the tragedy that has befallen the party, now referred to as “Ground Zero.” Lock the door from the outside so people can awkwardly fumble their way through sober conversations about the weather, majors, and how everyone knows the host. Don’t tell anyone about your scheme of horror--a truly terrifying scare is best kept secret!

”Beef in vegetarian’s punch” Scare: Do you constantly search for new and exciting ways to scare vegetarians? Well on All Hallow’s Eve, all bets are off! Give your vegetarian buddy the scare of his life when you slip a rare choice top round sirloin into his trashcan punch. The look on his face when you tell him that he just drank a bovine cocktail will be priceless!

“Michael Myers” Scare: This Halloween, it’s never out of style to dress up as everyone’s favorite serial killer next door, Michael My- ers from the Halloween series! But you don’t want to be a tacky psychopath, so for the sake of realism, bring your sharpest butcher knife from home, and show up unannounced to strangers’ parties. You’ll be shagadelic, baby!

“Red” Scare: Even though the Iron Curtain has long fallen, frighten West Campus with reminders of the imminent threat of godless com- munist infiltration. Read Marx and Engleman aloud at Halloween parties, express subversive opinions about capitalism, and deem yourself “the champion of the proletariat.” You can also mention your admiration for the practical architec- ture of Jester and Dobie, and propose a wall between East and West Campus. And any commie worth his weight in rubles knows that drinking nothing but vodka all night will set you apart from average American college students!

“Pregnancy” Scare: Ladies, give your boyfriend a spook by putting his pro-life views to the ultimate test! First, take your time getting ready for a party. When he gripes that he doesn’t want to be late, tell him that you’re three weeks late and you’re not complaining. After he recovers from the paralyzing shock, go to the party and take him on a zany emotional roller coaster by consuming as many shots and cigarette drags as possible. Extra brownie points if you do coke or heroin! Expect this trick to turn into a treat when he pays for three forms of birth control from now on. Scare Tips features • 11 12 • Campus compass campus compass • 13

7 Welcome, Freshmen! The University campus buildings into cheerful hours 18 of Texas can be a confusing place, of plotting your route around the 40 1 but don’t worry -- the Travesty has Acres. You can find your favorite spot complied a helpful map to guide to eat and study, or if you’re looking you during your first semester at for a good time, jot down our hot college. This Campus Compass will spot suggestions. Don’t forget: Hook 14 turn agonizing seconds of Googling ‘em! 2 1 The Drag 17 PCL (looks just like Texas from 8 above) 2 Duren (new guy on campus) 18 Engineering Building 3 Ugmo (a.k.a. Comm Building) 19 RLM Cyclotron Explosion 4 Dick Cheney’s secret office 25 20 Albino Squirrel Cloning Facility 5 Hogg Memorial Sweatshop 9 21 Gregory Hotel and Casino 6 Dobie (a.k.a. the office of Lex Luthor) 22 Jester 3 15 19 7 Scottish Rite Dormitory 23 LAN cave 29 4 30 8 Kin’s Market (oh, yeah, 24 Blanton and there’s a dorm too) 26 25 Music Building 9 Virgin Vault 20 26 Experimental Science Building 10 Raptor pen 10 27 Alumni Center 11 [Insert obligatory penis joke] 28 Bevo Breeding Facility 12 Liberal arts six pack 11 5 29 Art Building 13 Pterodactyl Tower 30 Philosophy Building is here depending 14 SSB on how you look at it. 16 27 15 Seniors only building 31 Money Pit

21 16 Business School 32 UT Shuttle

12 Key 31 22 Pot spots Gay-cruising 32 spots 6 13 Homeless Construction 17 23 hangouts sites

24 28 Police busts Social/political change

12 • campus compass campus compass • 13 14 • FEATURES texas travesty • Best of 2007-08

University Socialist of $75 per hour. Interesting Socialist Worker Times - Local Motions: side note from Jake - people Distribution (Frank Z) Molly: SS Club Minutes and much more receptive to Cover story this week: Discuss ocialistsocialists Announcements socialist ideals when Really great piece on massive stoned. (Taken under some- thing recycling Attendance: advisement by club having to effort necessary to ren- members) do with der storeroom copies of UUnite All present with the following equality Manufacturing Consent nite exceptions: Committee for the or what- Marcy: Out with the flu Promulgation of ever. Larry: Kelly: Out with Government Unreadable Literature Request to form committee to Created Killer Nano-Robot (Molly): Current reader- find new supplier of organic Infection ship: holding steady this week hemp clothing due to recent clo- 7 St e p s t o Boris: Present, but way, way to Thanks to local efforts, Das at 0 sure of Long Bong Silvers stoned to contribute, Kapital Volume 1 and b e c o m i n g a man 2, which Molly has “totally, Refreshments Membership: m o r e r e l e v a n t totally read. Seriously,” is New Members: None Committee Reports: now on sale for half-off at the New Business: s o c i a l i st bookstore. Next Time: Committee for the Corwyn: Don’t forget to bring your home- Step 1: Grow a Advancement and Committee to Free Mumia Would like to protest the unequal made Bush effigies and Hitler Veneration of Beards Abu-Jamal, Despite The Fact distribution of refreshments mustaches beard (Kevin): He Shot That Cop In The Back Step 2: Maintain (Frank A): Mumia Jr: Closing beard so that it Beards, still awesome. Understanding that while we’re Customary hour long circle jerk Same old shit. all against that whole superficial while talking ad nauseum about is not too bushy, Worker Justice Committee beauty thing, suggests that you how smart we are. but enhances your (Larry): Committee to Name should seriously get that mole handsome facial Existing Committees checked out, man. Meeting Closed Successfully union- (Bob): structure ized the 3 clerks at Bob: Further discussion at Gaia Step 4: Get a hat Long Bong Silvers. 23rd petition to Swears he saw Noam Chomsky co-op, since everyone but Bob Step 5: Gaze Assisted in negotiat- rename previous com- working as a greeter at Wal- (who may actually be a narc) dreamily off into ing pay increases to a mittee - Denied Mart. lives there. standard living wage the distance thinking of the impact your revolution will Do Your Part to End the Death Penalty have 1. Write your congressman Step 6: Take picture, 2. Attend rallies at local prisons and put image on 3. If at all possible, avoid robbing people at gunpoint, raping them, shooting t-shirt them to cover up your crime, and leaving the bloodstained Hefty bag in Step 7: Sell t-shirt the trunk of your car. at Hot Topic

Upcoming Rallies:

* Immigration Rally - Tuesday, 2pm at the Capitol Steps * Pro-Union Rally - Thursday, 4:20pm at Grady’s Office Supplies (Formerly Long Bong Silvers) * Monster Truck Rally - Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!!! * Lunch at Rally’s - When the workers of the world unite and cast off the yoke of oppression and the streets run red with the blood of the Bourgeoisie, or Monday at 12:30pm, whichever comes first.

14 • FEATURES www.texastravesty.com REprinting old material since 1997 features • 15

Name: Antone’s; Width: 58p0; Depth: 5.5 in; Color: Black, Antone’s; Comment: Travesty; Ad Number: 00032184

LONGHORN What Religion Suits You? JEW Yes FOOTBALL Yes PAGAN Yes Start Here! Has it sucked Do you give a shit Does he wear a Do you believe Do you to be you Yes about nature and #10 jersey? in the God of No believe in No throughout history? Abraham? reincarnation? shit?

Yes No GAY No It’s Complicated Yes JEDI No

Do you have bars Will you return from that cater exclusively Do you want to Yes ATHEIST Is God a big strong the netherworld of Yes to people with your become a minister black man? No the force? lifestyle? on the internet for $20? AGNOSTIC HINDU WHITE No No No SUPREMIST Yes CULT MUSLIM Yes Do you have one of Yes Could Gandhi those beaded car seat UNITARIAN help people? cover thingies? No SCIENTOLOGIST Is the first rightful MORMON Yes Yes caliph Ali ibn Abi Talib? No

SHI’ITE Are you a little bit No PROTESTANT country/rock ‘n’ roll? Filet o’ Fish? CHRISTIAN No No SUNNI Yes CATHOLIC

features • 15 16 •FEATURES texas travesty • Best of 2007-08 George Lucas

Gives Dating Advice

Director’s Cut Collector’s Edition, to save the Chancellor, and in featuring commentary, deleted turn, save his wife. Was it the scenes and a new music video right decision? In retrospect, it by Rihanna. Pay special at- wasn’t. Here’s what tention to Anakin and I’m getting Padme’s love scenes. at: your boy- Remember, commu- friend sounds nication is key: don’t exactly like Dear George Lucas, leave your emo- Mace Windu. tions squeezed up And I know I’m a 20-year-old straight girl, in a garbage masher that some- and I’ve been dating a wonderful on the detention level. times you feel like you guy for about six months now. And don’t forget to tell him Un- have to cut off his arm and hurl We’re very much in love, but the cle George sent ya! him out of a window. That’s the problem is, he can only climax Dark Side talking. Unless you when I “come in through the Nice question kid, that was one want to become a merciless, south entrance.” I am a bit in a million. tyrannical killing machine, stay uncomfortable with this, with your boyfriend. but it’s extremely impor- Dear George Lucas, tant to both of us that Dear George Lucas, we get this figured out. My boyfriend has I think I just need some turned into a fat slob. My problem is that I know so reassurance, but I’m not He won’t stop eat- much about Star Wars, but so sure. What can I do? ing. He drinks little about sex. I know that’s so much that pretty uncommon, so help me Thank you, it doesn’t even George Lucas, you’re my only Phisting in sound like he’s hope. I’m only 14, and there’s Philadelphia speaking English. this girl at school that I really He treats me like want to ask out. Only problem Dear Phisting, I’m his property. is, she’s 18, and way out of my Sometimes I feel like league. It’s like she’s a Grand When I was writing the first I’m chained to him. He Moff and I’m a nerf herder. I Star Wars, if someone had told won’t stop waving his tongue even asked her, “Are you an an- me that I would not only launch at me. But he’s smart too. When- gel?” like Anakin asked Padme, a massive cultural phenomenon, ever I try to play tricks on him, but she just laughed at me like but soon lose my virginity as he says my mind powers will not I was Jar Jar. So my question is, well, I would have said, “Yeah work on him. He had one of his how should request my “board- right, buster! Not in your wild- friends frozen in carbonite when ing clearance?” est dreams!” But, sure enough, they didn’t pay him back, and both of those things happened! then he put him on display in his Signed, And just as Luke learned to feel house. What should I do? Sleepless in Seattle the Force flowing through him, I learned not to be ashamed of Signed, Dear Sleepless, my kinks and fetishes. I know Enslaved in Euless the thought of going in a man’s Dear God. Just stop quoting Star ass is daunting, but remember: Dear Enslaved, Wars. It’s pathetic. If you wanna your man is not the Sarlaac Pit, get laid, you need to grow up. and you are not Boba Fett. Just I think I know the exact solution Queef. imagine your hand as a couple to your problem. This sounds of proton torpedoes guided by just like Episode III, when Anakin the Force going into the Death was torn between saving Master Star’s exhaust port, and I guar- Windu or Chancellor Palpa- antee he’ll explode with ecstasy. tine. It was a tough deci- But if that doesn’t work, I rec- sion to make. He had ommend improving your roman- to search deep inside tic life by buying a few copies of his heart and decide Episode II: Special High-Definition what he truly wanted. Digitially Enhanced & Remastered In the end, he chose

16 • FEATURES www.texastravesty.com REprinting old material since 1897 features • 17 phrenology The New Science! In this Progressive era of rigorous scientific testing, Top Scientists have determined (with Sci- ence) traits shared by ethnic members. Based on skull mea- surement, these Scientists have concluded the following:

•Es k i m o s - Poor skateboarders. •Li c h t e n s t e i n i a n s - Very good at Sudoku. •Az e rbaijanians - Excellent paral- lel parkers, but only on Sundays from 5:00-8:30 CMT. •Bel g i a n s - Can really pull off a pair of tye-dye bell bottoms. •An d o r a n s - Cannot pat head and rub stomachs simultaneously. •Ic el a n d e r s - Always asking about my grandson Jake’s little league team when I already explained that no, I don’t WANT to vote for Hillary Clinton, but still insists that coffee is meant to be taken with only one Splenda. •Po r t u g e s e - Can’t get enough Carrot top. •Wy o m i n g i a n s - Bunch of dirty thieves. THE GAY OLE SCALAWAG INTERVIEW! Report! 5IF
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OF THE WALK!” Texas Travesty Factual RUM-HOLE
New York, Oct. 19 — Writers WITH MERRIMENT!” Texas Travesty: Why should Great Western Territories, for the New York Journal Reckon I vote for the Bull Moose he will expound from They are a Beacon of Truth in Ameri- Party? his boxcar the merits of can Society. Bewildered as to Why the EM: Anyone in favor of trustbusting, and will win Scornful Public Calls Their Work “Yel- low,” women’s suffrage, im- over the farmer vote. They Offer the Justification That provement of inland TT: How would you com- Their Words Shine a Ray of Yellow Sun- waterways, and Teddy pare your candidate to light onto American Soil and Spread Roosevelt’s mustache other perceived outsiders the Honest Word. should cast their vote for like Ron Paul or Dennis Anyone Who Believes Otherwise is a One-Horse Bedstead, Savage as the party as strong as a Kucinich? a Meat Axe. The Level Of Accurate Bull Moose. EM: Dennis Kucinich? Facts and Correct Information Vastly TT: Are you afraid the Bull You mean that man who Outweighs that of Every News Source Moose Party will split the travels with P.T. Barnum in the History of the World by Nearly Republican ticket, as in the as the midget with the 200 Percent. “A“A splendid place forfor The New York Journal Has Seen The gents to come together.together. 1912 election? comely amazon wife!? Elephant. Those Who Don’t Read It And how!” EM: When our presiden- Why, I’ll box his ears! Have Honeyfuggled Themselves Out of tial candidate visits the Bully! the Honest-To-Goodness truth. features • 17 18 • FEATURES texas travesty • Best of 2007-08

Blotter 911 DKR-TEXAS MEMORIAL STADIUM, 405 E 23rd near the Perry-Castaneda Library where a UTPD stolen $2.81 million from the University. Upon further STREET officer spotted him. The subject was wearing dark questioning, the subject revealed that he had actually Armed Robbery, DWI, Possession: UT police spotted glasses and armed with a long, white cane and stolen mass amounts of money from the University a group of Austin criminals playing football in DKR was walking towards the front door of the PCL. every year since 1998. The subject went on to tell Stadium. The officers witnessed the subjects making The officer, wary of the imminent threat the the officers questioning him that he plans to steal spectacular one-handed catches, delivering jarring hits subject posed others and with complete $2.81 million from the University every year

and playing excellent press-coverage on the outside. disregard for his own safety, called until 2016. Rather than taking the subject to One was even spotted applying intense for backup, then leapt into action. The Central Booking, the officers simply requested 911 pressure on the opposing quarterback. subject immediately became belligerent and a photograph with the subject and ordered him The officers were unable to respond to continued to state that he was not intoxicated, and was to “kick some ass on Saturday.” Occurred on: 9-08-07, at the incident, however, because only stumbling because he was “blind.” The subject was 6:00 p.m. they were occupied with the physically subdued by five UTPD officers in riot gear and task of regulating 85,000 other then taken to Central Booking. Occurred on: 9-21-07, at 201 E 21st STREET people. Occurred on: 9-22-07, at 10:30 a.m. Theft: Authorities at Jester City Limits reported the 6:15 p.m. loss of a critical item in their inventory. The item was DKR-TEXAS MEMORIAL STADIUM, 405 East described as flat, rectangular, textured and used 200 BLOCK E 21st STREET 23rd Street to transport food and drinks. Suspects include Public Intoxication/Resisting Arrest: Grand Larceny: A UT employee, age 56, who works any and all persons in the Jester vicinity. A UT student was seen stumbling down 21st Street primarily in L. Theo Bellmont Hall, was found to have

18 • FEATURES www.texastravesty.com REprinting old material since 1997 features • 19

BRA E 2. Ayn Rand Poster Purchase three or more books and we’ll also send you this collectable poster free of charge. Buy 10 or NEW more and we’ll tell you who John Galt is. Show your friends, but don’t BOOK share it! FAIR 1. Alex Jones and The Magic School Bus Go to the Federal Reserve! In another outlandish Magic School Bus adventure, K OF THE MONTH! Alex Jones takes his students on a mysterious and PIC treacherous new “field trip” to Capitol Hill! Sur- prises abound as their bus transforms into public legislative bill H.R. 374, attempting to rescind the totalitarian signing statement powers of the executive. This Interactive Play-a-Sound edition 3. The Boxcar Children #252: allows kids to participate as they follow along while hearing audio clips of the 9/11 “missile Refuse Welfare strike” on the Pentagon and Alex Jones arguing the drawbacks of neoconservatism. Living in an abandoned boxcar is a lot of fun, until the government sends the kids stolen money! When they receive a welfare check in the mail, the Boxcar Children have a mystery on 4. Cli ord the their hands. They set out to return the Big Red Commie money to its rightful owner, and figure out why the government would be Collectable Pin involved in such a corrupt practice.

5. Ron Paul Jumbo Pencil Whether you’re writing in Ron Paul’s name on the ballot or just writing an essay about the sorry state of American civil liberties, this pencil never fails to make writing fun!

7. 1984 - For Kids! 6. Goosebumps #213: Night of w/ CD-ROM the Judicial Activists Big Brothers can be such Sarah and Josh can’t believe their parents wanted a pain! Third grade is bad enough to go to Washington D.C. for summer vacation. for young Winston, but his big brother is making life intoler- Bumping into Ruth Bader Ginsburg was so boring, able. He has to sleep in a crummy room and his big brother until Sarah sees a green light coming from her always hogs the good food at the dinner table. Winston tells closet. Sarah sneaks out to investigate and sees his girlfriend and his best friend just what he thinks of his big David Souter and John Paul Stevens walking away brother, but someone tattles. When his big brother finds out from the National Archives, carrying a big, rolled- what he’s been saying Winston learns that his brother is just up piece of paper. She follows them to a secret doing what’s best for him, whether he likes it or not. meeting and sees that underneath those robes the CD-ROM includes: watchdog program that tells parents justices don’t have skin, but scales! Sarah starts to everything their kids are doing on their computer, newspeak worry that freedom, justice, and her summer could glossary, and thorough explanation of doublespeak. all be in danger...

features • 19 20 • FEATURES texas travesty • BEST OF 2007-08

Former New York Governor ELIOT SPITZER is so horny… …he thought he was …he paid $80,000 …he pounded your the governor of Nude for a prostitute and mom last night! York! ruined his career and …he likes to put his …even Bill Clinton marriage! penis in vaginas! was like, “Damn, you …he helped the poon- …he owns a condom stupid!” tang market recover factory! from the sub prime loan …he thinks prostitution crisis! …he’s, like, a sex should be legalized! maniac! …he has more sex …he makes Wilt …he regularly than Paris Hilton! masturbates to Chamberlain look like pornography! …he doesn’t have the Pope! March Madness, he has …he was all, “sexy …his watch always says March Horniness! tiiiime! How much? I it’s sex o’clock! liiike!” …he’s had sex with …he gets morning …he has a boner. Right more women than wood at night! Rosie O’Donnell! now. …he has to cover his …his ejaculate can …he honks if he’s horny, erection with a book thatch all of the roofs in which is all the time! when he testifies before Uganda! He’s always honking! Congress! Name: Longhorn Landings; Width: 58p0; Depth: 5.5 in; Color: Black, Longhorn Landings; Comment: Travesty; Ad Number: 00032010

20 • FEATURES www.texastravesty.com REPRINTING OLD MATERIAL since 1997 opinion • 21 This punch is way better, bro Um…DUUUUUUUHHH Jared Pierce things all the time because I’m a Robert Morris Dude! The hottest chick just punch; you want me to grab you a smarter than you retard. I think that JCL doesn’t serve freshman rushee walked in. The ratio just got a bit glass? Are you sure? It’s really good. chicken fried steak sometimes. Blah better, but this party is still a brodeo. I don’t know how you’re still drink- Are you serious? Did you really blah blah a-durrr durrrrr.” That’s Dude, how can you drink Key- The guys here are total pussies, too. ing Keystone. I guess you’re just not just ask that question? Um… DUH! what you sound like. stone? It’s like piss in a can. You as sophisticated as me. I’m like Of course they’re Sometimes I won- should try this punch it’s soooo Finch from American Pie, you re- serving chicken fried der how you have much better. I don’t see how anyone member! He drank whiskey with steak at JCL today. any other friends. could like beer, it’s disgusting. Well Stifler’s mom while everyone else You’re a freakin’ idiot Oh, no DOYYY! You actually, Zima is pretty good. was drinking crappy beer, then he for asking that ques- don’t have any other My girlfriend doesn’t like beer, ei- boned her. Except my girlfriend is tion. friends. I’m all you’ve ther. She says drinking beer makes hotter than Stifler’s mom. And we Helloooooo! Earth got. You’re lucky I’ve you look like trailer trash. But seri- bone. All the time. It’s awesome. to Carlos! Is anybody been nice enough to ously though, this punch is really Dude, I think that babe was just in there? Are you hang out with you good, and it’ll get you shit-faced a checking you out. You should go high right now? Did since we got out of lot faster than beer will. I think it’s talk to her. Come on dude, don’t your mom drop you high school. Without a new mango-kiwi Kool-Aid mixed be a pussy. Me? Why would I need on your head when me your life would in with Everclear and vodka. This is to do that? I’m totally gonna get you were a baby or suck way more than it gonna get me so wasted. laid tonight anyways. something? already does. So what’s your name, bro? I’m Are you even drunk? You don’t In case your stupid “WAAAAAH, I Robert. What’s your last name? I look drunk at all. This is my third brain forgot, let me remind you how don’t have any friends because I have want to add you on Facebook. glass of punch and I’m already this works. We go down to JCL. We horrible acne. I’ve never kissed a girl in Damn, I spilled punch on my feeling pretty tipsy. ERRRBODY take a look around at our options. my entire life because I smell like ass new shirt. Yeah, I got this shirt at IN DA CLUB GETTING TIPSY! We for chicken today.” We go down most of the time. I spend all my time Urban Outfitters with my girlfriend. Someone needs to get them to to Healthy Choice, but nothing looks on the phone with my ugly-ass mom I looooove Urban’s! I bought my Aw shiiiit! My favorite Maroon 5 play that song. Who’s controlling too appetizing. Then we go over to who has hemorrhoids. WAAAAAH. girlfriend this trendy paisley crop song is playing! I looooove Adam the iPod? Country Fixin’s, and voila! There’s WAAAAAH.” top that pairs great with her Bohe- Levine. His vocals are so badass. My Looks like they’re running out of some delicious chicken fried steak Quit crying, bitch. mian sun skirt. It’s adorable on her. girlfriend and I really want to see beer, bro, you should get in on this just waiting to be eaten. It’s like that Next time you want to ask a stupid Why isn’t she here? Cause she’s tired them live. She Will Be Loved is to- punch. I think it’ll last for a while every day, Carlos. question, think about how dumb from giving me so much head! High tally our song. since there aren’t many girls at this Every goddamn day. you’re about to sound. I really hate five! Sexy tyyyme! I like! Hey man, I’m gonna get a refill on party. “My name is Carlos. I say stupid you sometimes. Let’s go eat, buddy.

Vagina-gate n Presidential Scandals William Howard Taft was known for three things: his robust figure, his inter- te The current presidential candi- Assassination-gate national arbitration, and his love to rid young girls of the pesky affliction of t virginity. He busted nearly as many hymens as trusts, but when Democrats o dates have had their fair share In November 1963, Wal- g leaked Taft’s infinite horniness to the presses, he simply distracted the country r of gaffes, leaks, and public hu- ter Cronkite revealed to the by eating an entire ham in one bite. miliations, but such political o public that president John F. Gate-gate

F firestorms have a long, tenured Kennedy had recently been history. Some scandals are re- shot and killed in Dallas, ren- During the Gilded Age, Americans entered the age of yellow journalism, and membered more than others, but dering him unable to perform no story was more scrutinized than Chester A. Arthur’s decision to install a gate for the White House. “What Is Elegant Arthur Hiding?” asked the papers. “Is A here are a few scandals lost in his presidential duties. The Moat Next?” But President Arthur, the eloquent statesman, ensured the country the vaults of history. country was outraged. Ken- nedy, whose poll numbers that the gate was simply a preventative measure to keep some sneaky indignant plummeted to 0% after the Chinese immigrant from entering the White House and revoking the Chinese Star-gate scandal broke, was not the Exclusion Act while the president slumbered. By the end of his tenure in office, Calvin Coolidge barely survived a scandal first president to undergo the that marred an otherwise successful administration. He oversaw a prosperous embarrassing ordeal of dying country, marked by economic growth and a cultural revolution. But Coolidge in office. Unfortunately, tele- could never completely distance himself from the “Star-gate” when he attempt- vision cameras and bystand- ed to buy a huge ancient stone ring with potential astro-physical powers. “Sell ers saw firsthand Kennedy’s all your stocks!” Coolidge commanded Americans in September 1929. “For involvement in getting shot we, as a country, shall then venture forth into a galactic wormhole and explore in the head. Chalk this up as new dimensions for years to come!” Unfortunately, Coolidge was unable to another instance of a careless buy the ring from British Egyptologists, and one month later, America entered president getting caught with its worst economic crisis ever, got sucked into a worldwide military conflict, blood on his hands, or in this and forever changed the dynamic of the world. case, blood all over his wife and upholstery. Water-gate Millard Fillmore was intent on preserving the Union during tumultuous years for America, but his duties took the backseat when inventor Horace G. Wiffleman unveiled his new creation, the “water-slide.” Fillmore impul- sively demanded a huge water park assembled in the White House, and spent hours floating in the Lazy River Nixon-gate with Brigham Young rather than reading the Wilmont Proviso. Although he managed to hide this $2 million Nixon-gate: In 1972, President Richard “Tricky Dick” Nixon was involved in ($50,000,000 in 2008 dollars) monstrosity from the public, he no longer could hide his indulgence after attend- an operation to spy on Democratic strategists, and subsequently became the ing the signing of the Fugitive Slave Law in a swimsuit. Although they were outraged, the White House Water only president to resign from office. After Nixon’s irresponsibility, every presi- Park was not dismantled until Franklin Roosevelt’s administration. dent since has been on his best behavior.

features • 21 22 • OPINION texas travesty • BEST OF 2007-08 I don’t know who I am anymore Frank Caliendo impressionist extraordinaire

I’ve been in the business of professional football a long time and when I say I’ve been in the business a long time I mean I’ve been in the business longer than I’ve done other things you know what I mean I was a coach back in the day and then I retired and then BOOM there I was in the broadcast booth doing broadcast things and broadcasting Brett Favre’s games and I love watching Brett Favre because he’s been playing so great for so many years and then WHAM he retired and now I want to kill myself because my life has no meaning. Somebody help me. Please. But since my presidency is almost over, I need to … configurate a … satisfactua- tory plan on how to win the War on Ter- I really need therapy. Badly. ror before the Democrats … usurpate the As a syndicated daytime psychologist, I White House. A buncha people think that see situations like yours pop up like chig- I haven’t been going about things the right gers in August. I know how to help you with way. They think I’m not as … intellectu- your problem. You need to get out of this ca- afied as them fancy Northern folks. Well reer. You need to get off TBS and get your- I’ve got news for ‘em. I’m just shagadellic self a little T-L-C from your family. Frank — baby, yeeeeah! And I plan on fulfilling my you’re just a few fries short of a Happy Meal. duties as President and completing our You’re one taco short of a combination plate. mission in Iraq so that every man, wom- The lights are on, but no one is home. You an and child is living in a free, sovereign understand what I’m telling you? You came country with no tyrannical regimes, nuc- on my show to get a fresh start on things. ular proliferizing, or “laaasers.” Heh heh. So get out there, and stop being a soulless What was that? You talkin’ to me? You corporate shell of man who lives entirely off talkin’ to me? Then who the hell you the identities of celebrities! ­ talkin’ to? I’m the only one here, you filthy My children hate me, my wife’s sleeping scab. Are you bein’ a wise-guy with me? with Darrell Hammond, and I’m incapable of I’ll come over there and break your legs. developing personal relationships with others. Yabba dabba doo! My life is turrble, Ernie — just turrble. The fate of mankind is in our hands Ray Jackson succeed, then everything we’ve done, out of reach of the York City fire- aisle. I also promised her that the Sun harvest cashier everything we’ve sacrificed, will be space-walk safety fighters and real- Sun wouldn’t explode — I don’t plan for naught. tether. But most of life space pilots to on breaking that promise. This is it, men — the fate of man- NASA didn’t design and construct all, lets do it for stop it from hap- With all that said, I have bad news. kind is in our hands. Failure is not this highly maneuverable, melting- the good folks back pening. And you It looks like one of us is going to have an option. We must prevent the Sun proof space shuttle in five days just so home. Our friends. know what? This to stay behind to space-detonate the from releasing bionucleochemical we could land on the gaseous surface Our family. That is the best damn last fusion reactor device, thereby radiation, or Earth, as we know it, of the Sun, make our way to the core kid in Istanbul crew a guy like me allowing our spaceship to travel back will come to an end. We’ve made it and die. I’m sure as hell not ready to who’s playing with could have asked to 1986 to prevent the killer nano- this far, and by God, it’s not going to die — yet. Not until we detonate the a toy space shuttle, for. If we die here ions from reaching the Sun in the end here — not like this. final fusion reactor device. cheering us on. today — which is first place. The space agency just informed If we don’t do this, the men and We’re all here for not an option — it We’ll have to play a rock-paper- me that if we don’t complete our women who have lost their lives a reason. When the will be an honor scissors tournament to see who has mission within an hour, they’re acti- on this mission will have died in space scientist from and a privilege to to stay behind. vating Plan B. There’s a teenage com- vain. Let’s do it for Yuri, our Russian MIT discovered die with you. It looks like I have to stay behind. puter hacker who somehow broke cosmonaut friend. Lets do it for Jeff. that the Sun was If we perish, we Well baby, it looks like daddy won’t be into mission control, and he’s stalling And Lieutenant Sanders. And Potsy. going to implode will have miser- at your wedding. We’ll see each other as long as possible, but we don’t have Let’s do it for Jamaal, who bravely into several multi- ably failed every- again — if I make it out of the nuclear much time until the thermonuclear volunteered to walk out onto the verse black holes in exactly three one we know and love. Before I left, wormhole helio-quasar blast alive. warhead is launched. We have to plasma surface of the Sun so he weeks, a reclusive, megalomania- I made an oath to my seven-year-old Johnson, take care of my little stop the Sun from exploding, and could activate the emergency power cal billionaire assembled this ragtag girl. I promised her that I would be girl for me. Daddy’s got a space-job we have to do it now. If we don’t breakers, conveniently located just crew of Sun Harvest employees, New back in time to walk her down the to do. 22 • OPINION www.texastravesty.com REPRINTING OLD MATERIAL since 1997 paid advertisement • 23

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