THE CAMPUS SPOTLIGHT INTERNSHIPISSUE Jordan McKinley you during Parents’ Weekend EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Veronica Hansen TT: How was Parents’ Weekend different than any other regular weekend? Texas Travesty: So what cool things did you do this MANagING EDITOR Stephen Short Parents’ Weekend? JM: Well, most weekends I don’t get out of my dorm much. I usually spend most of the weekend Jordan McKinley: Well, gosh! I’m not sure I can even catching up on my studying, or looking for jobs or internships. Most Saturday nights, I go bowling DESIGN EDITORS Matt Hutcheson Mark Estrada remember all of them! We started the weekend off right in the Union with some friends, and turn in early so I can wake up for church the next morning. After church on Sundays, I usually watch some football, play some ping-pong, dust my room, and with a proper guided tour of campus. Did you know there ART EDITOR Chris Friend are 10 totally different ways they light the Tower? After we then look over my notes for Monday classes. ASSOCIatE EDITORS Ross Luippold brushed up on the ol’ Forty Acres, the rents and I scooted TT: So why won’t you let your parents open your closet this weekend? on over to the University Co-op to buy official JM: Well... uh... my roommate, he has this thing, where he, uh, doesn’t want anyone to see his Thejaswi Maruvada 2007 Parents’ Weekend collective memorabilia collection of... um... Playboys? Right? People still read Playboy, right? And he doesn’t want anyone to DISTRIBUTION Francisco Marin to remember the weekend by. see them. I don’t have anything in there, though. What would I have to hide? Are you trying to say DIRECTOR I’m hiding something? ‘Cause I’m not. I need to go study. WRITING staFF Megan Jackson Turn-ons: Co-op refunds, parent-funded Jon Neal meals at Chuy’s, concealed compartments, Turn-offs: Video games, parties with alcohol, staying Michael Prohaska studying and getting As, staying in shape up late, Jester Wendy’s, my roommate’s psychedelic Stuart Stutzman with IM sports, eating vegetables, getting flower vase, skipping class, peer pressure, my Malcolm Wardlaw 8 hours of sleep, keeping the Sabbath holy, Spring Break Facebook album, rap, Texas A&M Neal Barenblat (boo Aggies!), experimentation, uncleared UT pride, sensible and safe fun, bowling, a steady Stephen Stecker history on my Web browser, anti-Bush girlfriend, internships, hearing stories from back DESIGN StaFF Julia Iacoviello bumper stickers, Sixth Street (from what home, my RA, showering and shaving each Matty Greene I’ve heard), tuition bills, my illegitimate son, day, Texas History Museum, the PCL, 11 p.m. Lesley Dixon the end of Parents’ Weekend bedtime, good influences Alyssa Peters Sara Shih on people’s dry-erase boards, and then grow the and original as the lights-off, missionary sex you Libby Sanders fuck up. Seriously. won’t be having. PUBLICITY staFF Sara Nienkerk • Oh yes, you’ve stolen a lunch tray from Jester, • Ordering the New York Times for class doesn’t Zak Kinnaird perhaps even a salt shaker or two, but have you make you smarter, it just means you have more around ADMINIstratIVE Emily Guerrero ever killed a man? recycling to not do. ASSIstaNTS Laura Ryan • The Nike shorts are here for your protection. • Including “eating lunch,” “masturbating,” and And to clearly identify the sluts. “getting high” on your to-do list isn’t what your Phillip Paquette campus Rachel Colson • Liberal, white freshmen who voted for Obama Moleskine notebook had in mind. have yet to overcome their fear of the Malcolm X • Don’t fucking sit next to me, queef. There are five Matt Lester • Construction workers who labor under the Lounge. empty rows ahead of us. Matt Ingebretson bright lights of the UT stadium are only achiev- • Have you ever just wanted to swing your back- • Students will attempt to refrain from making ing half of their high school dream. CONTACT pack as hard as you can as some guy passing on judgments when they see a fat girl with a big ol’ • Frat pledges will quickly learn to suppress their PHONE 512-471-7898 his bicycle? ...No? ...Me neither. bag of candy. left-handedness, lactose intolerance and other EMAIL [email protected] • Your efforts to find the ultimate party pad for • That guy who took your parking place is also “assorted faggotry.” WEB www.texastravesty.com next year will be hopelessly derailed with your banging your girlfriend and getting presents from • The pre-maturely gray-haired freshman finds MAIL Texas Travesty • UT Austin discovery that the only thing worse than your your parents. P.O. Box D • Austin, TX 78713 solace in the fact that, unlike the Albino kids, he roommate’s extensive Digimon collection is his • Girl, how you so tan? can go bowling in the Union. EDITORS EMERITUS credit score. • Zounds! Unhand my Snickers, you mechanical • Don’t worry, the PTS officer won’t take it person- • That pompous know-it-all in your class probably fiend! I deposited the requisite currency, now Kevin Butler Todd Nienkerk ally if you defecate on his gay electric pod-thing. doesn’t have actual friends or parents, so go easy shuffle that novelty treat off its mortal coil or I 1997 2003-2005 • A freshman will have a life-changing epiphany on him. shall shuffle you off yours! Brad Butler Kristin Hillery about God, science, and the nature of mankind 1997-2000 2005-2006 • Wanna see boobs? Next time you see girls sun- • I’m gettin’ some real good WiFi in here, bro. after seeing a debate in the West Mall. Mean- Ben Stroud David Strauss bathing topless face down, yell, “Is that Matthew • Rule #1: If your professor doesn’t show up within 2000-2001 2006-2007 while, the guy sitting next to you is masturbating McConaughey over there?” They love that guy! ten minutes, you’re allowed to leave. Rule #2: You to stay awake. Trevor Rosen • People who answer “aquí” instead of “here” in are required to pummel anyone who mentions 2001-2003 • Nobody admires you for pronouncing ‘gyro’ Spanish class still press 1 for English. Rule #1. correctly. • The Forty Acres Fest served as a another remark- • Adderall may serve as a gateway to hardcore • Students from broken homes will whine about LEGALESE able opportunity to remind the public that the drugs, but no Adderall is a gateway to failing your having to have two Thanksgivings while ignoring The Texas Travesty is the student humor pub- University still has plenty of tables. classes and not fitting in with the cool kids. lication at the University of Texas at Austin, the homeless on the Drag. published monthly by the permanent and • You, Madam, riding the bus! I can tell by the way • Seniors out of high school become college fresh- contributing staff. The Travesty is a work of • Hey, hot girl! Feel free to emasculate me in front (hopefully) humorous fiction. Except where you let your book satchel claim a seat unto itself man, but seniors out of college become the fresh- public figures are involved, characters are not of all your slutbag friends anytime! I enjoy our based on any real person. Any resemblence to that you fancy yourself to be “all that” in addition man of life! Seniors of life become the freshman platonic friendship! any persons living or dead is coincidental. The to a bag of potato chips, but I assure you, you are of DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!! views expressed in the Travesty do not reflect • Frat guys will do something with Keystone and the views of Texas Student Publications, the neither! • Freshmen will be disappointed when they dis- University of Texas at Austin or pretty much Polo shirts and we’ll laugh about it. anyone. All material printed is property of the • Surly fratboy drunks are wondering who da fuck cover their T-shirts from orientation don’t fit by Travesty. The Texas Travesty is not intended for • The Snarky Cockgobblers Association will be readers under 18 years of age, regardless of drank all the Natty Light. Thanksgiving. meeting in the back of the CMA auditorium dur- the pretty pictures. • The pan-handlers on the drag aren’t buying booze • Are you buzzed yet, man? I’m pretty buzzed. ing every RTF class this semester. Please refrain and smack with your spare change, they are pool- • Students will be alarmed when the rogue 40 Acres SHOUT OUTZ TO... from attending if you have ever admitted to ing their resources for the construction of the bus driver turns right on San Jacinto. enjoying anything, ever. gargantuan karma machine. • Your parents are having hot, nasty sex in your • Let’s all go play ultimate frisbee in the quad, then • Taking a date to Mt. Bonnell is about as suave bed right now. watch Old School in the lounge, write zany things Cartoons Fake Ads Staff Ad Damn Dirty Apes Religion Chart Photos Compilation BEST OF Chris Friend Alyssa Peters Libby Sanders Mark Estrada Ross Luippold Matty Greene Ross Luippold Jon Neal Thejaswi Maruvada Matt Hutcheson 2007-08 Centerspread Matty Greene Flash Mob Brave New Books Yellow Journalism Mark Estrada Chris Friend Malcolm Wardlaw Matt Hutcheson Dating Advice Ross Luippold Stephen Short Staff Cover Staff Chris Friend Thejaswi Maruvada Thejaswi Maruvada Malcolm Wardlaw CREDITS Matt Hutcheson Staff Ross Luippold Alyssa Peters Alyssa Peters © 2008 Texas Travesty. All rights reserved. Circulation: 25,000 REPRINTING OLD MATERIAL SINCE 1997 NEWS • 3 Air traveler so pissed off at 9/11 right now Thejaswi Maruvada Mancini believes McCormick’s griev- AssOCIATE EDITOR ances were unfounded.