AMS Council Meeting Devolves Into Group Masturbation

n~~7 1/!'? wwwoibyssey.be - ca Friday, December 3, 2004 Volume 86 Issue 24

'P±a •; .3 ^ f X% -«SS*- .*•* ,r"i ..-•» Mid ie rat j?J.i re 1^1 S AMS Council meeting devolves into group masturbation

by Art Vandelay he screamed 'oh yeah!' and started SANDCASTLE ARCHITECT panting. It was totally weird.* Unbeknownst to Holcroft at the Notorious for their length and lack time, McCockrin had become so of excitement. Alma Mater Society pleased with the relevance and (AMS) council meetings obtained delivery of his right-wing rhetoric a new level of notoriety last that he had begun to manually Wednesday evening after the meet pleasure himself under the table. ing progressed suddenly and unex 'Joe is very, very impressed with pectedly into a spectacle of group himself pretty much all the time,* masturbation. commented fellow Arts councilor 'It was progressing just like it Dick G. Davis. 'Sometimes, it even always does,* recalled AMS VP verges on sexual attraction. Well, I External Foxy Holcroft 'It all start guess it no longer verges," con ed when yet another disagreement cluded Davis. about tuition between [Arts repre During the argument, Mc sentative] Joe McCockrin and [AMS Cockrin said he felt the executives President] Canteena [Stai] arose. were 'wasting [his] time* with But while Joe was talking, I noticed their 'weak-minded, liberal, pie-in- that his face was becoming red, the-sky irrelevant panderings* and then he started stuttering and before managing to incorporate sweating. And then when he fin the federal government, gay ished arguing, instead of sitting back smugly like he usually does. See "Jerk circle" page 2. Pipernator will help UBG burn plenty of excess student cash Monotarvr ach tr\ enAM# frnm rlnrlr tnwjar rach Infarnn

by Dwabie chime will be replaced by an EMPRESS OF NEWS hourly *ash-releasing show.* Ash will spew from the top of The UBC administration has the tower, similar to the steam Bush declares war on world's playthings devised a creative way to deal with clock in Gastown, and will be cho all that excess cash they receive reographed to music composed by Bouncy balls, yo yos, dominoes: the new enemies of liberty from students each year—a Viper herself. massive cash-burning apparatus UBC also hopes the ash will by Lexicon Pepsi To demonstrate, the President then covered his called 'the Pipernator.* resemble snow in photographs for BEARDED GOAT HERDER face with his hands, removed them suddenly, and Located inside the clock tower their promotional brochures, a yelled'Surprise!* in front of Main Library, this giant ploy for attracting naive interna While visiting Ottawa this week, US President George 'And don't get me started on dominoes,* Bush incinerator-like machine will burn tional students who want to W. Bush announced the next dramatic step in his war added. *We all know what happened with the reds in money 'at a very efficient rate* come to Vancouver for its winter on terror: stemming the tide of playthings, bemusing all those little Asian places.* according to Pennis Devilish, VP weather. objects and 'finger-fiddlin' time wasters* that current Bush outlined the new program, entitled 'Mission External and Legal Affairs for UBC. ly occupy the spare time and toy trunks of millions of De-Fun,* in detail. "This device will put UBC on par See 'Pipernator"page 2. individuals worldwide. The main carriers of the dangerous playthings, he with others who burn cash for fun Prior to his visit Bush was widely criticised for explained, are small children, particularly in the three like the Canadian government and THIS ISSUE; refusing to address the Canadian Parliament, instead to nine years age range. At this stage in their lives, Michael Jackson,* said Devilish. engaging only in a closed-door session with Canadian children are very vulnerable to corruptive influences, The Pipernator is part of the Prime Minister Paul Martin. After the two emerged the President explained, citing this period as the time University's dedication to increase from a long, hot, taxpayer-funded Jacuzzi session that incited the destructive cocaine habit that mired student debt by 435 per cent by Wednesday afternoon, Bush spoke to the press, wear his early years in whispered family shame-stories 2010. The machine's cost alone ing a bomber jacket over his still-damp towel in hon before his surprising, unwarranted rise to the will raise tuition fees by $3,000 our of the troops fighting in Iraq. Presidency. per student next year. *We are going to stop them. The terrorists. Them, The first step of Mission De-Fun will go straight to UBC is footing approximately we're going to stop,* he began with impressive cir- the source of the recreational evil, and will involve half the bill for the machine, with cuituosity. random backpack and lunchbox raids in urban ele the provincial government step The President was joined during the presentation mentary schools and daycares. ping in to cover the remainder. FEATURE: What is up with by Martin. First Lady Laura Bush could not attend as The next step will serve to aggressively prevent fur *We are committed to having all the little panties? she was still vacationing in Stepford with all the ther spread of playthings' pernicious influence. This the highest most exorbitant stu A study of feminism in this age of other wives. step will include auditing the inventory of all toy dent debt level in the country,* teeny-weeny panties. Ragpe 6-7. *Yo-yos are the first that must be eliminated,* Bush stores in America, installing wiretaps in the homes of said UBC President Marta Viper. said. *They move up and down, up and down, up and the presidents of major toy distributing companies, 'With the provincial government CULTURE: Closer to... down. And, sometimes, down and up. No one knows and requiring that all plans for new toys be sent to the as our partner, we promise that Natalie Portman's bum. Page 9. where they stand.* Bush drew a compelling compari Pentagon for approval our students will be the poorest in son between the 'movingness* of yo-yos to the inabili 'Myself, Don Rumsfeld and, in fact God, all agree Canada by 2010.* EDITORIAL: Scavenge us ty ofhis former opponent in the Presidential bid, John that Mission De-Fun will make Americans safer at Each day, massive bags of stu some stuff please. Kerry, to take definitive stances on issues. home and...in other places too abroad,* Bush said. dent cash will be deposited into the You could have $100 to spend Bush also pinpointed bouncy balls as playthings The first toy-raid was conducted yesterday at Pipernator and blasted with a on magical things. Beige 10. treacherous for their spontaneous tendencies. Chesterton elementary school in Middlecity, Iowa. superheated flame that will burn at 'Terrorists use unpredictability as a weapon against Twenty-five first-graders were ordered to leave their an amazing 800 degrees celcius, [email protected] all who love liberty. A terrorist watching a bouncy ball leaving only a fine, white ash-like WWW.UBYSSEY.BC.GA could learn a lot about how to surprise people.* See'Dyslexia'page 2. residue. The clock tower's hourly

several years. Kyle McMan: "Dreadlocks According to staff sergeant Bobbie Clobber of the VPD, the offi cers left the toilets there, 'just in case we need to visit the little boys are totally wicked and shit" room when we're crossing the bridge. You never know when you'll need to go." VP Admin holds press conference about his hair Secret meeting this world.* conducted transparently When asked why he felt the need to publicly come forward with these Several weeks of contentious issues assertions, McMan claimed it was concerning systemic racism, a late in response to several allegations report, and a series of Ubystylin' that his hair was 'lame/ While opinion pieces were resolved during McMan could not recall any specific a closed portion of Wednesday's examples or individuals, he said he Lost Pegacorn spurs Alma Mater Society (AMS) Council had 'definitely [been] picking up meeting, and paradoxically, in a some negative vibes* recently in search transparent manner. regards to his hair. Council members made various McMan was similarly vague in Hundreds of posters went up all shapes with their mouths, and ges his explanation as to how his hair over campus this week, seeking help tured in interesting ways for well was a relevant issue to the student in looking for a lost pegacorn. over an hour. The windows, as was body, or how it related to his job as 'It's a half-pegasus/half-uni- noted by various members of the the Administrative Vice President of corn,* explained Dr Jeffrey Hel- student press, were indeed trans the AMS. McMan responded by mholz, a professor in experimental parent claiming 'when your hair's this zoology and classics. *I really need bodacious, it's pretty much always it back.* relevant to eveiything.* Expanded services for However, UBC VP Students Brian Seagull recydes bottle, Middle-Aged white guys Sullivan disagreed and recently asked Lyle to 'talk about something pigeons envious Presumably as part of a generous other than [his] damn hair* at an round of pre-election spending, MCMAN TAKES HIS HAIR TO THE PUBLIC KYLE MCMAN PHOTO AMS Council meeting. Later in that In a move that many are hailing as the Liberals have announced an same meeting, McMan claimed the 'new era* of eveiything, a seag investment of $10.6 million into by Dr. Tre conference here* and an arrow Sullivan 'totally left me hanging* ull flying by a recycle bin dropped a two dozen province-wide centres, CPTTHUGCORRESPONDANT pointing down scrawled on it with when he abruptly changed the sub Poopsi bottle inside it. designed to provide support and pencil. 'For real dudes, it's totally ject from 'the art of dreadlock* back *I remember watching it because services for middle-aged white In a startling turn of events, Alma dreaded, and it totally rules.* to bursary scholarships. 'And he I thought it was going to shit on my guys. Mater Society (AMS) Vice President During the conference McMan totally never responded to any of my head. Bird shit is way worse than "Frequently, middle-aged men Administration Kyle McMan formal was accompanied by Moustache e-mails that I sent him looking for other types of shit because it's so feel slightly alienated by main ly went on record about his hair. Club founder Chris Ross, who feedback on my bitchin' hair,* runny," said Groanpeace student stream culture," explained a press McMan called a press conference played bongo drums throughout. added McMan. Saiftha Wails. "But then the bird release from the newly-created on the concourse of the SUB to "His hair is beauty personified, McMan plans to hold another casually dropped the bottle into Ministry of Men. "How is a man to address the issue. or should I say, haironified* agreed press conference next week 'to the bin." feel secure—and they must, for men 'My hair, like, seriously rocks," Ross, who is also dreadlocked. remind the student dudes and The bottle was immediately are the backbone of our highly explained McMan, while standing "There's truth in beauty, man. So chicks that Tm still totally a v^gan* stolen by a student and used as exploitative economy." on a chair in the middle of the SUB much truth you probably can't even just in case any of them have make-shift bong for a Wreck Beach The NDP noted that this was tan holding a piece of paper with 'press handle it. It's, like, too true for forgotten. • bender. tamount to fomenting a gender war, The seagull was unavailable for but they were roundly ignored. comment. hteat Mfcpr's t^rm nanpr a i it •*» "*»• W a * • a*w 'w • •»• ^ *w» u • <• M Mr «« Mur ^M • **• Secret toilets found on fucking mess 7 Lions Gate Bridge "We thought he was just napping/ stunned students said Heat Miser, a third year political sci Vancouver Police officers discov ence student, is due to fail most of by Basil Expo ered two toilets attached to one side his courses this term. Even an BOOZIE NOOZIE of the Lions Gate Bridge this week. International Relations tour de UBC engineers claimed no force, "My Kingdom of Perpetual Students enrolled in Literature responsibility, but alluded to possi Fire: 1914-1933* has been reduced 3 9 7K—Existential Realism in ble 'Who can crap on the cruise to a pile of ash. Postmodern Estonian Drama—can ship passenger?* competitions that "Everything I touch,* he sighed, now add "seeing prof die" to have allegedly been going on for 'starts to melt in my clutch.* • their university experience. On Monday, mid-way through his four hour lecture, professor Winston Tidsleybottom, 99, placed his Mothra vs. Martha! forehead on his hand as if thinking or pausing witnesses by Mental Ward tatipn in the pursuit of sustainable said. But he wasn't moving. ALIEN SPECIALIST, MOTH COLLECTOR excellence* would continue as usual "We just thought he was nap ONE OF THESE GUYS IS NOT LIKE THE OTHER ONES during exams, except at the Museum ping,* said fourth-year student Students voiced widespread concern of Anthropology, which would be Alix de von Grud dendorf. It was anyone discussing it.* This, when I'm four years younger than Tuesday when Mothra, a giant moth closed. n't until students approached the coupled with Tidsley-bottom's Tidsleybottom, I'd probably be like space alien, descended to cam Discussed at length during AMS motionless professor five minutes archaic age can yield deadly dead again.* pus and continues to hover above council, Mothra versus Martha was later and poked him repeatedly results, he noted. Hunt did note, however, that President Martha deemed to be situationally ironic, but that the students discovered their Tidsleybottom's death is being removing the boring texts from Piper's on-campus not something one could be for or professor was, in fact, deceased. felt all around UBC campus. Pat his syllabus now leaves him with residence. against Second-year student Edward McCrotch, associate professor out any readings to assign. Scientists, "I don't think we could have a pol Nova IX recalled poking Tidsley of Anthropology, remembers Ti Students in Literature 39 7K are national and inter icy on this," said Quid O'Mallory, bottom. "I noticed when I, like, dsleybottom's engaging personali still shocked and horrified by the national media, Code and Policies Chair. "Are we sup poked him that he was, like, kinda ty. "I actually never had the oppor events they witnessed. 'You know, and an assortment posed to lobby Mothra? Walk it home cold 'n stuff," said Nova. "Then tunity to meet him," he said. "Isn't the more I think about it, it's of lookers-on have safely? All it does is shriek, piercing when I poked him, like, really hard he from Hogwarts or something?* kind of funny,* said de von been watching the my ears with its unearthly howl." he just, like, fell over all of a he added. Gruddendorf. Other students, like angry extraterres MOTHRA "This is totally weird," said AMS sudden." In addition to remembering third-year, Hannah Otto, are view trial since then. President Canteena Stai. It was at this point students Tidsleybottom, many senior pro ing the situation in a more posi The alien's intentions, obviously, To former Radical Beer Faction knew something was very wrong. fessors are learning from the tive light. "It's tragic...utterly hor are unknown. Board of Governors candidate Fire Paramedics who arrived on the unfortunate circumstances of his rible and frightening when I look 'It is really scary!* said second Hydrant, this situation could have scene were baffled as to the cause death. Venerable economics pro back on it,* she uttered. year Arts student Sally Winkerbeans, been addressed had it been elected of death. fessor, Mike Hunt, said he will But the concern of students captured hve on CNN, and replayed last January. Ivan Fang, head of the Death- remove all boring readings from runs even deeper as eighth-year endlessly as an example of our fear "My platform included a policy on ology Department at the Universi the syllabus to avoid a similar fate. student Aaron Aardvark pointed some intellectual might Alien Invasions,* Fire Hydrant ty of Transylvania, noted one pos 'Geez, it's scary when you think out. 'Yeah, like> I wasn't really pay Despite the intense media atten explained. Too bad.* sibility. 'Literature as boring as about it; I always do that fore ing attention when he died or any tion, UBC's public affairs office According to the Wreck Beach Tidsleybottom's can, in fact, sub head pensive thing," he said. 'If thing,* he said. "Is it going to be on assured all that "business, co-opta Preservation Society, this is fucking stantially lower the heart rate of it wasn't for the fact that the final or something?* •> tion, and the performance of consul- hilarious. •

HH nm 4 FRIDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2004 NEWS THE UBYS1YUN'

1950 West Broadway Vancouver, BC Access to gender-neutral Copies Plus 604-731-7868 COP Y BD iI MM A G 1i N G GENG E ;N T r RREE www.copiesplus.ca washroom blocked Custom Calendars Rumours swirl about The Perfect Gift *•••••»»»»•* $20: 'for the 1st Bring in 12 of your colour photos, intolerant bearded $15. for each ndd'l and we will create a beautiful coil bound colour calendar! •A..'ft< >.• !.!.(•' •|.,.i|:-<-.-i menace in SUB

IVIon to Fri 8atr»—9pm p Sat to Sun 1Gam-r6pm: by Swab McGiddypants CONFLICT OF INTEREST EDITOR : ; l. 'd' ji^ Systemic discrimination against a : marginalised group at UBC, or sim profesors fbr.? never;sho ple circumstance? ; : not that your lectures were- boring.:' :;\:,f •'•••' tx\ y.> That is the question that has ;: traveled the length and breadth of Oh wait...yes they were;; ./• r /—.•.;./ campus after a Ubystylin' news edi tor allegedly blocked access to the new gender-neutral washroom in DEMONISE THIS: Editor hates the SUB earlier this week. everyone. Obviously, sue "I am outraged by this clear COOLDOM PHOTO Renegade attack on all decent human beings/ said a fuming Kyle McMan, VP bunch of people shouting at me, Administration for the Alma Mater holding placards that showed my Society. McMan was the person face next to Hitler's/ who originally proposed that the McGiddypants said. washroom be created. Within the next five minutes, 17 international Prefect M McMan discovered the letters were sent to the Ubystylin' impromptu blockade as he was tra office condemning the paper for X3JJ versing the SUB Thursday after promoting 'covert trans-phobia* ^;: '*%?>' Xt t^<: <»• 3^vr^> noon. Ubystylin' news editor Swab and castigating the "heterosexist • <* •& 4Z<'k m,&: Mv^ McGiddypants was bent double in assumptions* that underlie editori front of the trans-identified wash al policy. Take your degree to a room, according to McMan. An anonymous source with con whole new level of success. "It was clear that he wanted to nections to McGiddypants said that this fiasco is just the latest in an Learn to manage international development projects owrstas prevent access/ said McMan. 'All these people want is a safe space. 'established pattern* of hateful International Project Management is the only Let me tell you, if I didn't have a behaviour. postgraduate program in Canada that shows you how your degree can change the world. place to pull up on my stick, which "I think we need to blow this into proportion/ the source told Call 416-675-6622, act. 3032 or email I have been doing every day since I [email protected] for further information. took office, I don't know what I'd do the Ubystylin'. 'Swab has been Apply for all Business School programs at the with myself/ strategically demonising minority OCAS web site - www.ontariocolleges.ca McGiddypants said he did not groups on campus all year/ intentionally block access. When asked to list some of Seating is Limited! 'I noticed that my shoelace was these groups, the source cited untied, so I stooped down to fix Pendulum staff members, varsity that/ he said. 'I'd say I was in front football coaches and cute, cuddly of the door for a minute or two/ kittens. • HUMBER That was enough time for a 'He hates them all/ the source The Business School protest to start, however. said. 'Behind that beard is a whole www.buslness.humberc.on.ca 'When I looked up there were a lotta evil/ •

Residence building to be detonated by Dwabbie asked not to be named, said that Deceitiberf 2 /:',:•• 4//• /f-7t •/-• 9;t /\ 11 Ani'^jfn^p^S^ EMPRESS OF NEWS he is likely responsible for at least : : a portion of the smell. A residence house at Totem Park *I puked in the shower drains is to be torn down this week after five nights in a row one week/ he I^^^^^M^^^^, housing staff members were said. unable to rid the building of an Still, cleaning staff members Gmcomo '^l?'ti'ctiM- overwhelming odour, which has were baffled by the smell and persisted for several weeks. looked into several possible Kwak, one of six houses at sources. Totem Park, is occupied mainly by 'We had a few breakthroughs. first and second-year students, We did find twelve dead fish some of whom are likely responsi behind a refrigerator in one floor ble for the problem, said Ted lounge, that was pretty bad/ said Being a student has its VANCOUVER Tortoise, UBC's head of Housing. one maintenance worker. 'Dirty benefits.Like going to the ai 'It smells like a mixture of cat diapers stuck to every door on one opera for only 25 bucks. JAMES W.VWIGHXGENERAI DIRECTOR pee, permanent markers and cab floor, though that might have been $25 student rush seats to bage/ said Tortoise. 'Those [exple- a prank. You never know here/ Madama Butterfly are tive-ing] kids are so [expletive-ing] After giving up, Housing decid available at athe QE vile/ ed to have the building detonated. A new building will replace it, but Theatre December 7 & 9 Staff has attempted extensive cleaning opera students will be from 7:00 pm and tions, including required to go December 11 from the installation 'Those [expletive- through a strin 1:00 pm. Bring of 1,600 Glade gent application your I.D. plug-ins and a ing] kids are so process before 6 // they are permit Aporuorvd by : ^thfTou ^ [expletive-ing] vile. ted to live there. professionals, 'Everyone m but to no avail — will need to POLYGON the smeii con- —Ted Tortoise demonstrate tinues to plague UBC Housing tihat they pos Kwak residents. sess basic I can t hygiene skills such as knowing : sleep at night/ 6 04-2 80-Sill ••]|ll .:VVNnini'JtM> /(),, and brush their ; said Tiffany Patterson, a first year how to shower W WiVW: t Arts student. "I am moving to a teeth/ said Tortoise, adding that sorority, though I was going to do anyone determined to be a 'mis QHeeTixSliz^ that anyway because sororities are creant' will be sent to live in a new so hot right now/ housing 'tent camp* on Wreck Another Kwak resident, who Beach. • THE UBYSTYLIN' SPORTS FRIDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2004

<^—"Sh. ' ^wnnV^S^ti r*"\

[ I ***%*" B ^W 1 A chick among the dicks Bessy the hen challenges the sexual boundaries of C (SSH^S^^^'^—v .^>g^—^ cock fighting and reveals her troubled past

^>^Bfe ^^sfj^fik by Dick Pound her sex. ^2ia JOXTRAP PEDDLER "I already fought seven times, but they failed to notice that I had Bessy isn't like most hens in her tits?" said Bessy. "To me that's just bird droppings pen. While most hens are getting the cock-fighting world being a knocked up, Bessy is taking the bunch of ignoramouses." More blood, less dance cock-fighting world by storm. Since then, the Cock-Fighting "I used to lay big fat eggs all the Association [CFA] has suspended time but laying eggs is laying eggs, Bessy indefinitely. A decision will In a recent interview, UBC athlet and there isn't much more to it," be made by the board sometime ics director Frans Hasseldorf pro said Bessy. after the New Year. claimed that UBC would be Frustated with the sexist exclu Bernard Longer, spokesperson brought into the new millenuem sivity of the cock-fighting world, for the [CFA], believes that Bessy's with its inception of full-body con she decided to show them her attempt to cross-over into a male- tact interpretive dance. worth in the fighting arena. dominated arena has caused ruf "This gives us a chance to incor "Why do two cocks get to play fles in the cock-fighting world. porate a little spice into the very while a chick and a cock don't?" "Before [Bessyl it was simple. It mundane world of interpretive said Bessy. "To me that's just them was mano-a-mano, cock versus dance," said Hasseldorf. "UBC is being a bunch of exclusive dicks." cock," said Longer. "It should be setting a precedant that other uni "I went to a fight and discovered cock beating a cock not hen beat versities are sure to follow." that these cocks were a bunch of ing a cock. Doesn't that make "Students wanted more blood pansies. They would argue about sense to her?" so we gave them that. Students which cock was bigger and to me There have also been allegations wanted more dance so we gave that wasn't the essence of cock- of steroid use by Bessy, something them that too." said Hasseldorf. fighting. So I entered in the next which the CFA is also investigating. UBC will being recruiting for tournament as a cock to show them Robby Dick, Bessy's trainer was the UBC aussie interpretive dance what cock-fighting was all about." the first to dismiss this. team after the holiday break. The world of cock-fighting has "I was horrified that people "We're like stomp, but more n't been the same since. In her would even think that, but I hads to agro. It's like dance on steriods." eight previous fights, Bessy has know the truth,* said Dick. "So I Anne Lee, a UBC grad stu been dominant, collecting seven goes ups to her and I says to her DON'T FOCK WITH ME: Cock-fighting explored DICK POUND PHOTO dent agrees with the universities kills and one disqualification by 'Bessy, Dick wants to know, has you decision. egg laying (7-0-1). been pounding the juice? Has you appealed to her fans that she's just and ultimately, the world. "I've been an avid interpretive "I accidentally laid an egg," been pounding the juice? Because had a troubled past. In the end, Bessy just wants dance fan since I was in the explained Bessy. "I was like fuckit, if you was, Dicks gonna pound the "I would pound the cock until acceptance. At whatever cost. womb," said Lee. "Where do I sign I'm just going to do it so I did.* juice right out of ya." the dead carcus was a bloody pulp "It's insulting to think that these up so I can break some legs?" It wasn't until that incident that Bessy understood why people so it looked like I was kind of agro," cocks think that [hens] can't fight. More details to follow after the the rest of the cock-fighting world would think she was on some type said Bessy. "But in reality, I was I'm going to spit on the next cock winter break. • finally discovered the truth about of j^fqrmance'enhancing drug but just really angry at my opponents I see." • GO HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS WITHOUT GOING BROKE!

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RESERVATIONS 604-221-^355 "connecting with the youtht \ forgot. Sorry. :f The HEPSKMP: Honours English The FROTCF: Front Row of The PDAC: Public Displays Kafka-Munching Polygot the Class Feminist of Affection Couple briefcase con copies of "A Clockwork Orange" and "Howl" (for emergencies) "Little taining novel- Brown Jug" 11'I love myself today" —Bif Naked in-progress —Glenn about the Miller and his modern fami Career aspiration: Proust Orchestra Career aspiration: Gloria Steinem think-alike ly as seen by Actual future job: Medieval Archivist for P0C0 Community College Actual future job: Motivational counsellor at Powerdale summer camp for girls "We are so a nihilist, Can be most often found: Snapping fingers at prophetic homeless person Can be most often found: Screaming at HEPSKMP in class ("you are so suburban") oblivious to all feminist fish Catch phrase: "That is so Orwellian..I mean Joyceian...I mean...* Catch phrase: 'Ever since I went on that trip to Delphi, my vagina's been my oracle* the repulsed that repre If s/he were a household appliance: Vintage espresso machine If s/he were a household appliance: Coffee-dispensing bust of Adrienne Rich and uncom sents Jesus Currently sleeping with: Lacan's complete works (abridged) Currently sleeping with: None of your freaking business I My bed, my business! fortable people Drink of choice: Colt 45 from a Merlot bottle Drink of choice: Clamato, to represent power; Vodka, to represent chaos and passion around us!" Secret fear: That everyone understands him Secret fear: Coming to class late and having to sit at the back Most prized possession: A sneaker that once belonged to Camus Most prized possession: These bitchin' boots

Tdon't give a fuuuuck. I don't give a shiiiiiit. Fuck. Shit. Fuck. Shit." —Peaches

full-length jacket bought at the Gap just off Red Square COMPLETE WORKS OF -"IAAO/V/S 6>V m 'These boots were made for walkin' "—Gerri Halliwell, Nancy Sinatra . N.0V E MB E R 11 •• —• J A N U A R, battered boots worn by the hard cobblestones of existence {ABRIDGED} NOVEMBER- 25 ''^;IAN\U^RY\8"..//-V'.?'•;: Investors : ; ; ; Croup 'R-E-S-P-E-C-T -Aretha Franklin •• ff M.' £A.-T.»' E f.-. •. '•••1V-.f''-'' ' GRANVILLE ISLAND SIVIGE^ The EPOSMJP: Elbow Patch On The SAS: Social Smoking Jacket Prof Awareness Stoner The FPRP: Frustrated receding hairline. Loss of FPRP's hair due to (a) roughness the smoke of once-illustrious career (God the food at those of communal showers; (b) uncalled-for hair pulling in "Free medieval scholar conventions was good...) Poet Rugby PL shrums; (c) tugging on roots during aesthetic breakdowns MumiaL. STUDENTS SAVE and the QNLIhlEAL Career aspiration: Non applicable—statis has long set in daffodil rescued from rugby players's thundering hooves...animals whales" elbow patch Actual future job: EPOSMJP, 1 year older SIMPLY SIGfNi UP Can be most often found: In Buchan Office, weeping a tender heart Catch phrase: "If only Chaucer were alive today...grumble...* wilts beneath this If s/he were a household appliance: Ashtray that empties automatically grass-stained Career aspiration: Keatsian articulator of the modern athletic soul Currently sleeping with: Wife, when she takes down the bed divider jersey... Actual future job: Following shoulder injury, clerk who writes memos in iambs

J-SJ. JLLJLXV \J>A. V^JUUXO^. XXXO ULC4JJLULC4JUL V XUJJ.OJJ.U.m& whiskey Can be most often found: Describing the ruaby ball as a svmbol of re-birth another Secret fear: Dying during a lecture Catch phrase: "Rugby/I adore thee/You are as unique/As a lime at Orange Julius." /MON>S. O^ elbow patch Most prized possession: Smoking jacket (elbow patches are hardcore) If s/he were a household appliance: A tablesaw that doubles as a bedlight -•-:-' Currently sleeping with: SUBRKEveryone thinks he's stuck-up, but his soul- Drink of choice: With buddies-Jagermeister. Alone—Shirley Temples (that little princess) drafts of PhD thesis (still in the works...will change academia forever) Secret fear: The daffodil he keeps delicately tucked inside his jockstrap being trampled in a scrum Most prized possession: Rugby ball signed by ee cummings patterned The SUBRK: socks. Ws^the little things •SINioK&Of gorilla manhood should be judged by the fervour SUB Rat King that count! legs of the soul and purity of the spirit SPECIAL CAMPUS pants too short since wife began refusing to do mending after finding "lam the Rat SCREENING out about foreign seamstress mistress (I miss you so, dearJuana!) King. Bow before me. I own the play book. Read diagonally, the symbols spell out clever SUB, you Come to Sub Room 23 The PSUA: Permanent-Smile parodies of Shakespeare's lesser-known sonnets simpletons." to receive a double University Administrator pass to see The SPPINM: Student Politics hand open for handshakes, casual cash exchanges for mutual benefit Pundit-ln-The-Making J3I^A and any other jobs a hand might do ear, always every hair combed individually by use Preview Screening: open for of a monogrammed nail student resume: 27th draft, and counting! December 7, 7:00pm in input and corporeal botox experiment lab the Norm Theatre potential slogans Career aspiration: Head Publicist, Masturbators for Marta Viper JJL (event #3 to qualify for Actual future job: Head Publicist, Inappreciative Students Inc. the xbox) Can be most often found: Screaming at less-disingenuous minions weak & pathetic targets destroyed: 252, and counting! Catch phrase: "Think about it But don't Just give me your money." The SHAG: Sleeps In If s/he were a household appliance: Shiny tin alarm clock Career aspiration: Paul Martin, Jack Layton, Pol Pot..just gimme that gavel heart too Currently sleeping with: Less-disingenuous minion Actual future job: Dictatorial principal of all-boys Catholic school Inappropriate Areas Guy small, like a Drink of choice: Filtered water (3 months of full-body cleanse to go!) Can be most often found: Proof-reading resume for typos certain Dr Secret fear: Empassioned logic Catch phrase: "Shoot for the stars if you want to succeed! It worked for the CIA and Kennedy!' ! Seuss charac Most prized possession: The Perfect Smile Without Botox by Lolly Day If s/he were a household appliance:Device that beeps when a grammatical error is made '^JTif not ••FUTUR1SH0R ter we ail Currently sleeping with: Alternates between satisfying the references on his resume waking up know Drink of choice: Vital brew of coffee, amphetamines and pure evil for your First come, first served. suspenders Secret fear: Losing his bow tie, or realising he has no soul satire While quantities last. briefcase of dark secrets Most prized possession: Master copy ofhis resume he keeps in a locker at the bus station rt ~*h

J5"!MO»S O**- IN THEATRES a tight ass is necessary for every serious politician

DECEMBER 8 the PSUA, like many adults who work in a youth-dominated environment, was 3"lfwoi\is bv never told that oxblood loafers look too much like (a) knock-off ruby slippers

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8 FRIDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2004 CULTURE THE UBYSTYLIN1

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As MLA for Spoonin' n' Slappin' Vancouver - Point Grey, I am pleased to Artist debut explores the musical sides of silverware ::& ' have the opportunity & FORKFUCKER accomplished that great feat perfect introduction to Silver's to wish the students Sean Silver A musical master in his own edgy, yet sincere, sound. The [Dinnertime! Records] right, Sean Silver, also known as spoons collide, bringing a differ and faculty of UBC a the Silver Spoon, has done away ent element to each note. One II by Miz Mafia with the typically predictable musi spoon is loud and angry, while the I! happy holiday season. QUEEN OF All THAT IS CULTURAL cal aids like drums, bass, guitars- other spoon sits back and takes it all of it. This Silver Spoon gets his all in, embracing the slap. Starting Every few years, an unknown artist name from his instrument of out soft and rhythmic, the song Please call or drop into my constituency hits the scene and brings a new edgy choice, which also happens to be progresses into a harder and loud sound that stands alone apart from his namesake. er sound, finally resulting in a office ifyou need any assistance with anything that has ever been musi The first single off the album, 'I build-up to a climactic apotheosis <*..'•- cally attempted. Sean Silver has Don't Know You Anymore* is the of cutlery-induced enlightenment. provincial government matters. Silver ends the song by dropping the spoons in an exhausted frenzy.

ft "***'*''25- *,"'! There comes a point when the ' W' m • M ' T"- • ... ' _ ' j--- -* . *4 ?«' M. . JSf. spoons just get too hot to even GORDON CAMPBELL, MLA hold—they gotta be dropped. VANCOUVER - POINT GREY .'••-•:•• •***** **********f**%**** *?T2y* .-'~^ :; *•***:%****•• Such power, such authority, **** :-A ??* SiJL. * such liberation in the sound of the Tel: (604)-660-3202 Fax: (604)-660-5488 *** :^.X\- *** ^^b- smash. And the ensuing 3615 West 4th Avenue, Vancouver, B.C. tinkle... tinkle.. .tinkle...of truth. [email protected] Silver proves he's a versatile artist, with a sound stripped free of j f':.''•***'- ; ..**• ••>.'•••• :.•** •;...-.'•'•.•••. :••. ***. -•'• excess noise. With everything from metal to aluminum to pop, this album proves that spoons can do more than be balanced on your Do You Suffer nose. They're the next big thing , since the harp. V *.*••••:•*.••-*• ** ••• v Other tracks that will leave you From Acne? .4**. **-;'..**-.**- :•••:. >

"••••••••*'*'-: lying on your bedroom floor, mes ^ffftk*..-. ••••.'f«**J:U merised by Silver's mastery, are 5» :; x\::.i¥: BLU-U 'Fuck the Fork* and 'Caressing Curves.* PHOTODYNAMIC Silver's music also brings forth issues that deserve to be put to THERAPY IS *% music, like racism, and with a sound this solid, this Silver Spoon THE ANSWER will definitely be moving up to gold en ladles sometime very soon. .• No Drugs! UBC's administration insults No Cream! 1 intelligencli? e yex again P\ , FACIAL Consultation a chorus line of some twenty collapse on the floor and drool. At CS* REJUVENATION CLINIC dancers dressed as Michelle L'au 'Consultation's* end, however, the coin. Simply staggering, in my pace quickens and there is some www.lacialrejuvenationclinic.com presented as opinion, and a wonderful way to tension, dissonant oboes hinting at open. CALL TODAY FOR A FREE CONSULTATION the possibility of massive injustice, musical theatre That said, the show drags at cer aggressive violins recalling a tui -'Card- •••••'••• #701-1281 Wes604-763-SKIt Georgia St. N#270-609 (75461 Gilber) t Rd. Richmond -':'^H tain points. 'Where does all our tion freeze, an actor, dressed as Vancouver By Mental Ward money go?* is a slow and plodding President Pipper, descends from CRANKY GRAD STUDENT number, sung in a robotic-voiced above, a classic Martha ex machina, drone, causing even this reviewer to belting out 'Memories.' •> This reviewer expects little from a night of theatre—indeed, the entire art form was ruined for me by a bad moment in a sweaty and crowded dressing room in the late eighties. Theatre's ability to POKER DIGEST..WE T connect—with an audience, a moment, whatever—has been almost entirely co-opted by this demon 'entertainment' that it's m hard to imagine a play that really plays—one that screws up your u senses and then dances on what's left. I I was treated recently to a sneak peek at a play that will be produced all over campus next term: 'Consultation: The Musical.* Directed by The Administration, it will be free for all students and runs at an attention-span perfect 50 minutes 'Basically,* said VP Students Brain Sullivan, starring as him self, 'We're presenting the tuition I increase in an entertaining way, and in a sense, we're really taking the lead from students, who refer to this process as a tightly-scripted song-and-dance.* One song, 'Everything is awe some," features a catchy, humma- ble tune and more remarkably, DO IT TO MUSIC Tuituion worth smiling about, NIC FENSOM PHOTO THE UBYSTYLIN' CULTURE FRIDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2004 9 Closer's closeness to "The Closer" undeniably close

CLOSER the short-lived sitcom "The Closer* friend, Clive Owen!" wasn't in the is 23, so it's not gross to want to see playing Dec 3 which starred Tom Selleck as a press material, that's just something them no matter how old you are! lawyer who was really good at "clos that I thought would be funny if you Natalie Portman was also in the by Dr Tre ing" deals. imagine Jude Law saying it Another movie Garden State. I haven't seen CPT THUG CORRESPONDS So, apparentlyJude Law is in love line that's funny is, "You don't know Garden State, but judging by its title, with Julia Roberts (in the movie, at Jack!" It's funny because it was the it's probably about some sort of Closer is the new film by acclaim least). But then Jude Law discovers a chorus of the theme song to "The megalomaniacal supervillain called ed director Mike Nichols (The stripper, played by Natalie Portman, Closer" and Tom Selleck's character The Gardener who vanquishes all of Graduate, Primary Colors) and it is, who's a total fox. Then Jude Law was named Jack McLaren. the world's powers and govern according to its press material, "a bones the stripper and apparently Furthermore, Natalie Portman ments and places the entire world tale of love and heartbreak set in Julia Roberts gets really mad about sports a pink wig in the ads and in under a single regime (a State, if you London." But that's not all! Its press it But Natalie Portman has this several interviews confirmed that will) in which humans are slaves material also says that "it involves boyfriend, Clive Owen, who's totally she would appear topless. I've want to plants. four people who find themselves in pissed too. And apparently Jude Law ed to see Natalie Portman's jugs In conclusion, I heartily recom a romantic tangle." is a big jerk in the movie, and he's a ever since she was in Star Wars mend this movie to anyone looking are interested in seeing what Sony And while the press material total asshole to Clive Owen and is Episode I. And, yes, I know she was for an update and an expansion on pictures calls "a bitingly funny and doesn't actually mention it at any always saying stuff like "I boned only fifteen in that movie, but I was the ideas brought to the table by honest look at modern relation point, I think it's pretty safe to your girlfriend, Clive Owen!" only fifteen when I saw it, so it was 1998's "The Closer." Additionally, I ships" and/or Natalie Portman's assume that this movie is based on Ok, so the line "I boned your girl n't gross! But now Natalie Portman also recommend this movie if you breasts and bum. • Art show leaves critic feeling up the dark Power outage wreaks When are they turning these fuck totally bashed my knee on some it was some crazee postmodern havoc at local production ing lights backs on? thing. I hope that smashing, splin things, but now it's getting old. And Anyway, so, his art. It's in this tering sound didn't involve any of my knees hurt. by Mega Gygolo room with me. The show's called Jose's beautiful Mexican pottery. Oh OUCH! Goddamn... ceremoni UBYSSEY WENCH "La Vida Loca" and it's at the Belkin God. Time to move over to the other al...copper...vases... Art Gallery. Wait, I read some of that side of the room. Umph. Augh. Hmmm...this is interesting. I'm Ouch! What was that? Was that bio earlier. Yeah, so Jose grew up Umph. Why are there so many peo moving my hands across this work...I someone's foot? Oh, sorry, Cripes, somewhere in the deserts of Mexico ple here? Good Christ. think it's clay and paint and some it's dark in here...No, wait, the paint (or was it New Mexico?...never Yeah, so, Jose was shaped by lots thing smooth and warm...wow...inter- ings are really good, just wait 'til I mind). Anyway, through his hard of profound experiences. And he active art! That's totally cool! Ahh. tell you about it! Ow! Augh! work and determination and stuff only uses oil based paints, char Uggghh. Augggh. Stop...augh...what keeps bumping he was able to overcome the tragic coals, water colours, pencil, pastels, "WHOA! DON'T TOUCH ME into me? Wait? Is that wet?...Never events of his childhood. I'm pretty paper clips, infra-red sensitive ink THERE!" human body. Asshole... mind... sure it said his parents died of a and on occasion clay for his art, so [Rapid running to opposite side I guess I'll just stand here in this Yeah, so...these paintings are by rare disease transferred by a genet he's really minimalist. of room.] corner for a while. Maybe someone Jose Cuervo. He's a third year trans ically-engineered desert cactus. Too bad that just as I was gazing Jeez, I have to say that that guy will turn on a cigarette lighter soon. fer student from the University of Wait., maybe that was someone at this totally rad, extraordinary was pretty rude. Not my fault I I wish I were a cigarette lighter. Mexico...I've got his bio somewhere else. Forget I said that painting of a sombrero the entire thought he was a sculpture. So Uh so ya, go see the show or here in my bag...never mind. Damn. AUGGGGGGHHH! Sony, I just room went dark. At first I thought much for the natural beauty of the something. •

student leaders Student Leadership Conference 2005 meet the subcultures muralist January 7-8,2005 AMS Discussion Forums on the Subcultures Mural Project 1 Registration: $20 (deadline: Dec. 22/04) Thursday, Dec. 2 - 6 pm to 7 pm / Friday, Dec. 3-1 pm to 2 pm / Monday, Dec. 6 - 6:30 pm to 7:30 pm Presented by UBC and the AMS @ the Conversation Pit in SUB

The theme of this year's Student Leadership The AMS is pleased to announce that Heather Passmore, a MFA student at UBC, has been selected to work on the Conference is "Ripples of Change" and focuses SUBCultures Mural Project. Students and faculty are invited to participate in the AMS Discussion Forums to discuss on encouraging collaboration, networking, and the vision of the mural and how it can best address cultural awareness, tolerance, diversity, and inclusivity. the sharing of resources and experiences among student leaders. The Discussion Forums will be facilitated by the muralist and the AMS, with the support of the AMS Art Gallery Committee, the Vandalism Task Force Committee and UBC Campus and Community Planning. Visit Open to all students and groups from across http://www.ams.ubc.ca for more details. campus, there will also be keynote speakers, interactive workshops, and a Leadership Opportunities Fair for those looking for ways to be more involved in campus and community —t— ams nominal ions. organizations. For more details, visit holiday hours. http://www.ams.ubc.ca/slc. Please note holiday hours for the following Elections will be held in January 2005 for the following | / operations in the SUB: AMS Executive positions: President of the AMS, Vice- President External, Vice-President Administration, Vice- Closed from Dec. 13 to Jan. 5 President Finance and Vice-President Academic. other events Norm Theatre (no films, although venue may be CiTR Special Benefit Concert used for other events) Elections will be held simultaneously for student Friday, Dec. 3 @ 8 pm, SUB Partyroom representatives to the Board of Governors of UBC (2 Featuring Los Furios, Kia Kadiri & no luck club. Closed from Dec. 18 to Jan. 3 positions) and for the Senate (5 positions). Tickets are $8 at Beat Street, Zulu, Scratch, Red Gallery Lounge Snack Attack Cat, Noize and the CiTr Office. More details at The Moon The Pendulum Nominations for candidates open November 29,2004 http://www.citr.ca. and close at 4 pm on January 7,2005. Nomination Comedy Show Closed from Dec. 22 to Jan. 3 forms can be picked up from and returned to SUB Room Tuesday, Jan. 4 @ 8 pm, Norm Theatre Bernoulli's Bagels Burger Bar 238 and 218. When you come back in January, be on the CopyRight Honour Roll lookout for Welcome Back Events brought to you Pie R Squared The Pit For more information, e-mail the Elections Administrator by the AMS! First up: a comedy show featuring at [email protected]. Voting takes place January Vancouver's best stand-up comedians. More Closed from Dec. 23 to Jan. 3 17-21,2005. details in late-December on the AMS website! SUB Arcade AMS Business Office V, / I J 10 FRIDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2004 EDITORIAL THE UBYSTYLIN' THE UBYSSEY FRIDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2004 VOLUME 86 ISSUE 24 The Scavenger hunt!

EDITORIAL BOARD It's time for the Ubyssey annual scavenger •"Sing "Sexual Healing" to AMS VP Lyle THE CRAZY ONE THAT YELLS hunt. Keep in mind that this is for real and the McMahon in the Ubyssey office (400 points) Jesse Marchand prize is a whopping $100, seriously. You •"Sing "Sexual Healing" at AMS Council meeting in Januaiy and film it (4,000 points) should enter. Bring your findings in on Friday, im PAPARAZZI •"A copy of you starring in a porn film, with a plot Sarah Bourdon January 7 between noon and 5pm, the per Dan McRoberts (2,000 points) son with the most points tallied wins. •"A mop and bucket (100 points) OFFICIAL PILOT Remember, the Ubyssey doesn't promote •"Empty blade garbage bags (50 points per bag) x% Ania Mafi stealing, but we reserve the right to keep or •"A pair of size 15 shoes (100 points) •"A book about serial killers (30 points) SENIOR JANITOR publish anything you bring. Eric Szeto •"A tape of every episode of America's Next Top WIZARD WITH A BLENDER •"A helmet for a mouse (150 points) Model (100 points) Alex Leslie •"Martha Piper's actual underwear (2,000 points •"An iguana (100 points) if you can prove it's hers) •"A picture of Jack Layton with a beer (100 points) STYLIST •"One of your baby teeth (50 points) •"A pony (20,000 points) Nic Fensom •"A copy of The Point, mistakes corrected (30 •"A handheld fan (30 points) KINGS OF CARROT FLOWERS points) •"A pair of size nine Manolo Blaniks (1,500 Paul Carr •"A picture of you burning the Point in front of points) Michelle Mayne their office (250 points) •"A small clipping of Martha Piper's hair (1,000 •"Your mom (200 points) points) COORDINATORS •"A picture of you with Martha Piper (300 points) •"Powdered oxide of chromium (50 points) •"A picture of you naked in Koerner library (500 •"The biggest block of cheese you can find (100 CULINARY DELIGHTS points) points) Carrie Robinson •"A UBC transcript from the 1990's (200 points) •"A 2010 Olympic Flag (Full Size) (1,000 points) OFFICE ROMANCE •"A Campus Security jacket (350 points) •"A pirate hat made out of the Ubyssey (80 points) •"A picture of you and Ben Affleck (200 points) Paul Evans •"A Campus Security constable wearing said jack •"An entire pirate costume made out of the •"Autographed picture of Elizabeth Berkley THE UBYSTYLIN' et (500 points) Ubyssey(600 points) (cmon!) (200 points) Alex Leslie •"The same Campus Security constable wearing •"A photo of you attending class in this costume •"A Sunshine Bear keychain (5, 000 points) the jacket but no pants (1,000 points) (1,250 points) •"A signed affidavit from the AMS stating that the The Ubyssey is the official student newspaper of the University of •"A game-worn jersey from any one of UBC's var •"A photo of any AMS executive when they were Ubyssey is in fact, not racist (5,000 points) British Columbia It is published every Tuesday and Friday by The Ubyssey Publications Society. sity athletes (150 points) in elementary school (500 points) •"A$l bin (50 points) We are an autonomous, democratically run student organisation, •"Game worn shorts from the same athlete (500 •"Photos of all five AMS execs when they were in and all students are encouraged to participate. •"A $2 bill (50 points) Editorials are chosen and written by the Ubyssey staff. They are the points) elementary school (3,000 points) •"A tie-dye T-shirt (20 points) expressed opinion of the staff, and do not necessarily reflect the * views of The Ubyssey Publications Society or the University of •"A photo of you on top of Buchanan Tower (75 •"A poem of at least fifteen lines outlining the •"A spare-tire (100 points) .ft British Columbia. points) virtues of the Ubyssey (400 points) •"A Ronald McDonald figurine (50 points) The Ubyssey is a founding member of Canadian University Press I (CUP) and adheres to CUP's guiding principles. •"A photo of you on top of the Clocktower (300 •"Three words—ice cream cake (200 points) •"A George Bush action figure (500 points) All editorial content appearing in The Ubyssey is the property of The points) •"A photo of an AMS executive covered in ice •"One of Lyle McMahon's dreadlocks (500 points) Ubyssey Publications Society. Stories, opinions, photographs and artwork contained herein cannot be reproduced without the •"A photo of your mom on top of the Clocktower, cream cake (1000 points) •"A Bong (we need one) (500 points if it's loaded expressed, written permission of The Ubyssey Publications Society. reading the Ubyssey (1500 points) •"The home phone number of UBC VP Research and ready to go) Letters to the editor must be under 300 words. Please include your phone number, student number and signature (not for publication) •"A receipt from the UBC Bookstore totaling more Indira Samarasekara (250 points) •"Heroin (30 points) as well as your year and faculty with all submissions. ID will be than $800 (200 points) cheeked when submissions are dropped off at the editorial office of •"A limerick starting with the line "There once •"An unused condom from 1959 (1,000 points) The Ubyssey, otherwise verification will be done by phone. •"A receipt from the Village liquor store totaling was a lady named Samarasekara" (300 points) •"The lunchbox stolen fron Alex in '94 (50, 000 "Perspectives" are opinion pieces over 300 words but under 750 words and are run according to space. over $200 (300 points) •"Copies of eveiy issue of the Ubyssey published points) "Freestyles" are opinion pieces written by Ubyssey staff members. •"A handwritten note from Lome Whitehead, this year (200 points) •"A Tickle-me-Elmo doll (50 points) Priority will be given to letters and perspectives over freestyles unless the latter is time sensitiva Opinion pieces will not be run UBC VP Academic, excusing you from class (600 •"A papier mache sculpture made from copies of •"A plastic neon visor (10 points) until the identity of the writer has been verified. points) the Ubyssey (500 points) •"A brand new recycling bin that doesn't smell 77ie Ubyssey reserves the right to edit submissions for length and clarity. •"A photo of UBC basketball player Karlo •"A photo of you presenting the creation to bad (200 points) It is agreed by all persons placing display or classified advertising Villanueva standing beside UBC volleyballer Hans Martha Piper (750 points) •"A bag of green apples (50 points) that if the Ubyssey Publications Society fails to publish an adver tisement or if an error in the ad occurs the liability of the UPS will Doef(300points) •"An audiotape of sixteen different people laugh •"Dan McRoberts' beard shaved off into a bag not be greater than the price paid for the ad. The UPS shall not be •"Five (5) parking tickets from UBC parking (200 ing (400 points) responsible for slight changes or typographical errors that do not (250 points) lessen the value or the impact of the ad. points) •"Photo of Snack Attack guy checking if $5 bill is •"A picture of you with Jack Layton in the Pit (100 •"If all these tickets are unpaid (400 points) counterfeit (100 points) points) •"An audiotape conversation between yourself •"Photo of AMS VP Finance Stacey Chiu burning •^ A huge bouquet of white lilies (50 points) EDITORIAL OFFICE and VP Students Brian Sullivan (200 points) $5 bill (500 points) •"A picture of Jack Layton keg-standing (600 Room 24, Student Union Building •"If you ask Sullivan to "pull your finger" during •"Sing "Sexual Healing" to Ubyssey staff (150 points) 6138 Student Union Boulevard the course of said conversation (500 points) Vancouver, BC V6T 1Z1 points) •^A full keg for the Ubyssey staff (2,000 points) tel: 604-822-2301 I fax: 604-822-9279 web: www.ubyssey.bc.ca LETTERS "a e-mail: [email protected] Marr me shatner 1 BUSINESS OFFICE Advice by the Letters Section of the Ubyssey I v Room 23, Student Union Building advertising: 604-822-1654 Dear Letters Section of the Ubyssey, business office: 604-822-6681 all Kira and Nicole have ever asked ductivity and lower expectations of William Shatner is a comedic fax: 604-822-1658 for throughout this ordeal. ability than those that are applied genius. e-mail: [email protected] There is a boy in my Anthropology to white students. class that I really like, but he doesn't Dear Letters Section of the Ubyssey, — William Shatner, comedic MUSHROOM notice me! I don't have the courage Dear Letters Section of the Ubyssey, genius Fernie Pereira to talk to him myself. What should I I really love playing water polo, but RAM STATUE POLISHER do? the only times it's on in the UBC My girlfriend left me because we You're a jerk Dave Gaertner Aquatics Centre are during my kept fighting over the stupidest KEEPER OF THE FLIES —Can't Look At Sexy Student math class. If I skip my math class things. One time, she told me she Shalene Takara to play, will I be able to do well in wasn't talking to me anymore I am writing in response to your Dear CLASS, the course? because I said I didn't like Spam. comments to me in the office last week. I am most certainly not a Jack Layton was late, in bed. Very late, in bed. Jesse Marchand frowned at her watch as she clipped her toenails in anger into a It was veiy disheartening to read —Surely Water Intersects with —Fights Remain Energetic and baby killer and insurgents really vat of beer, in bed. Suddenly Paul Carr jumped into the beer and the recent article "Students expelled bathed himself in toenails before unzipping his pants, in bed. Math Stupidly Hot are people. I would just like to say Ania Mafi pulled on Sarah Bourdon's hair, in bed. Meanwhile, from student union property" "kiss my ass, you rat bastard. PS, Dan McRoberts was confessing to Nic Fensom his own desire, regarding the Langara Students! Dear SWIM, &--•' in bed. Jack Layton was still late, in bed. Eric Szeto was so good, Bear FRESH. you're a jerk." in bed. Alex Leslie told us so, in bed. Kaiyn Ward had been writ Union's (LSU) arbitrary and dracon- ing Layton letter for months, in bed. "Yes I would like more info about the NDP in my community," Liz Green said orgasmicaly, ian act of banning two young The two articles in last Please endeavour to refrain in bed. Jack Layton didn't disappoint us, in bed. "Waitl He gets •Alix a hug? I want a hugl" said Carrie Robinson, in bed. Paul Evans women students from the Langara Tuesday's Ubyssey addressing from directing any criticism you ran from the office, back into the Pit where he met Claudia Ii Student Union Building. for a rendezvous, in bed. "I'm getting a button," siad Jenn Brenda Ogembo's leave for Kenya have about AMS Safety's role Cameron, in bed. Greg Ursic circulated the venue, thinking It was plainly obvious on read are testament to ongoing unad- towards me. I worked to act in an No you are about Trevor Gilks, in bed.Joel Libin thouroughh/ enjoyed meet- ingjack Layton, in bed. ing this article that the author had dressed issues of systemic discrim impartial way given the results of not given the story of these two stu ination faced by First Nations and the feedback table, and took extra I am writing in reponse to the dents any credence whatsoever. people of colour, women, those precaution to separate the safety above letter. No. You are the jerk. Women still struggle against sex with disabilities, and GLBTQI folk concerns from any disposition, pro- Insurgents are not people. So stick ism in our society. This article does on campus. Systemic discrimina or anti-display. AMS Council will be a fork in your ass because your not further this struggle; in fact, it tion manifests in differential treat changing the policy in question to retorts are so done; PS. I've never only serves to perpetuate sexist and ment given to particular groups more accurately define the position seen such poor writing since your Canadian ageist attitudes. When women com through apparently neutral rules, of the society; that might easy your mother wrote me those love Universiiy plain of sexist behaviour in any policies and procedures. It is the Press troubled mind. This ain't a matter poems in high school. C*nada Post Sales Agr**mant Number 0040878022 milieu they deserve to have these targeting of the marginalised, cou of superimposin' my feelings complaints taken seriously. That is pled with higher demands for pro nowhere. • —Swabbie THE UBYSTYUN' OPINION FRIDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2004 11 I love when you talk about your classes! What did you think of the by Simone Underpants Streeters recent GAP display? Perhaps we've only just met, or maybe we've been friends for ages. Either way, familiarity is not the issue here. It's about fraternity: ifyou'v e got "Speaking seriously here, how about "Again? Man, that GAP shit is tired. something you need to get off your a 32 foot buffer zone around my ex- Isn't this whole thing, like, so five chest I'm all ears, brother. I can see boyfriend's penis?" years ago?" you've got something you want to say. And I think I have a pretty good idea —Pen Ishater, PHD in Women's —Eatsold Gumunder-Table, Arts 9 what it is. It's like you've wrapped Studies yourself in shiny paper like a Christmas present and I can't wait to pull the string. But here goes! I love to hear you talk about ..., f your classes! Truly, madly, deeply. "As a homosexual male, I think Sometimes I think I'm so caught up % ( "I'm so stressed with exams that the women are the only ones who # in your academic plight that I forget I DWYl ^^ B *• whole thing just made me want to should be messing around with have a student number myself. * 1 abort myself." vaginas."

Whether we're stuck for conversation **%?>

at a party, right at the climax of '^y' —Pola Bare, Psychology 1 —Andrew Onme, Political Science America's Next Top Model, or across "%-W^ £*:# hopeful the aisle on the B-line when I'm catch 1 ing up on my Tyra-mail, I'll be the ^frW**^ .rt*'********...... -—«*. ,*y»«Rfc«v. ~^"*°*W Lucy to your Charlie Brown, baby. You can write me a letter, you can tell me on the phone, you can yell it at the "Oh, I must have missed that one. "At least we can be thankful that urinal and 111 nod sympathetically Things were really happening at the George W. Bush is in office to from the stall. Ill 7even waive the Lancome booth." expressly protect our freedom. I five-cent fee! mean what's all the fuss about? The V Let's start with your schedule. —Miss Ingmabrain, Daughter of man is all about freedom." You'd better begin with how many rich parents. classes you are taking. For sure, four —Louis Mashorts, Science 3 classes is really just as hard as five. Now, is that a three-credit or a six- credit course? Both terms? I'm ecstat ic! That means we can talk about exis tentialism the entire year! The teacher just came arrived from where? Is that How to win an argument with one word an Ivy-League school? Sounds diffi cult Maybe you can make photo by Eval Hitlernamer Consider the following. From the three examples gra comparison. Someone or something copies of your syllabi so I can syn The argument "Abortion is wrong ciously provided already, it be either is or is not, chronise my own stress accordingly. When one finds oneself in a conver and should comes apparent how easily the like Hitier. Really, I think we should to go through sation among intellectuals, showing be abolished." mention of Hitler will stop any Adding Hitler to your conversa this together. one's intellectual prowess is para The rebut opponent dead in their tracks and tion is also an excellent way to end I have my own vested interests, of mount When debating a hot topic, it tal: "You know shaking his or head in the disbelief a boring conversation, all the while course. How can I put this: your rivet is useful to have a few handy tips to who else abol of their defeat. lording your superior knowledge ing summary of Said is the spread on sway the argument in one's favour. ished things? Using Hitler does not always over your insignificant friends. my morning muffin! Your brilliant re- The most optimal way to do this is to Hitler. He was have to counteract an argument, Consider the following. envisioning of genre theory should find a way to compare one's oppo born in 1889." however, it can also reinforce it. The conversation: "So my essay come with a price tag! I can't believe nent to Adolf Hitler. It may be sur If you The argument. "I will never buy thesis is going to be how Buffy the I've been reading Star magazine ail prising but almost any subject or don't have my daughter an Easy-Bake Oven, Vampire Slayer is subverting reli this time without ever considering it opponent can be compared to Hitler. any factoids they only increase stereotypes of gion and becoming a religious icon as a cultural artifact Who but you Adding Hitter to your debating skills ready, ask having women in the kitchen." all on its own." could point out that Lindsay Lohan's is both easy and fun. Consider the fol your oppo The reinforcement. "I agree. The response. "That reminds me breasts are so loaded? Here I lowing example to see how Hitier can HITLER nent ques Hitter had an oven and look what he of Hitier. Some people considered am thinking about bunnies and be added with ease. tions to throw them off. Their did with it." him to be a god." astropacks while you sit with your The argument "I just don't like answers may help you find a way to Politicians can also use Hider As it has now been most excel- day-planner freshly inked. Thanks for puppies, their noses are too wet" work Hider into your argument. to help demoralise his or her— lendy shown, adding Hitier to any keeping my eyes on your prize. The rebuttal: "Hitler didn't like The argument "Marijuana sho although if it is a politician it is most argument is not only a sure-fire win Because without your vigilance, I puppies either." uld not be legalised." likely a him—opponent A good tac ning strategy but also a whimsical would have never known about all the It is obvious how easily the argu The rebuttal part one: "Do you tic is to take the name of one's oppo antidote. Watch for next week's scholarships available if you hadn't ment was swayed in favour of speak have any Maria's in your family?" nent and spray paint it onto a build installment of "How to win an argu listed the deadline dates after they er number two. In the case of debate, The response: "Yes." ing equating it with Hider. For exam ment: Comparing one's opponent to had passed. Nor would I have any another helpful tip is to insert ran The rebuttal part two. "So did ple, "Paul Martin=Hitier." No other George Bush," who, coidcidentally, idea that getting into Grad school dom factoids into your argument Hitler." words are necessary to explain your is also like Hider. • could be so difficult! You really are so lucky that the honours program is a free ticket But get out of town! Forty Ask Dr Raoul I Hunter S. Thompson gives medical advice pages! It simply can't be done! Sitting in a chair for twelve is rough, oh, I def Editor's Note: Renowned journal Dear Mr Shmo, first step is to approach your local Release. initely concur. Honestly, I can't under ist and cultural icon Hunter S. Well, if you've got a fever, then gonzo pharmacist for treatment. Uppers are a tricky breed: they stand what sweatshop workers have Thompson recendy graciously broke the only prescription is.. Just joking. Unlike the mind-controlling fascist can not only cure you from your to complain about! At least they get to with his reclusive and cantankerous Let's talk person to person like the pill-pushers who loom above you helplessness, but they'll soon con stand up and time-motion I'm sure habitudes in order to respond to a rational human beings we both with their insect eyes at Safeway, vince you that you can do anything ' we're both going to get carpal tunnel reader's letter with his personal know we are. You may believe, you gonzo pharmacists are shape-shif ANYTHING indeed. Run with it, you in these conditions. And dammit, you brand of advice. The advice was not pathetically misguided soul, that ters and, like the underground free will amaze yourself with how fast needed those frappuccinos and don't necessarily solicited on our part treating a stuffy nose and a phlegm- dom-fighters who fought for the you'll go. Until your eyes tear, until let anyone tell you otherwise! and, to be honest, we're not really coated cough will heal you, but there Resistance before them, they,take on your skin blisters. Faster, faster, Wait you brought your laptop over sure why he wrote this. In any case, is a much more terrifying disease unassuming forms, helping only the round and round! The thrill of speed to my house! Fantastic! Please, do here it is. Our printing of this has eating away at your existence like so kindred spirits who recognise them. will drive your adrenaline like a pause with the bong as you elucidate nothing to do with the fact that the much ravenous flesh-consuming So you must open your eyes. Each monstrous demon at the wheel of a upon historical materialism. With the aforementioned Hunter S. bacteria. You've got to break out of pharmacist specialises in a specific tired, broken Pinto. smoke circulating artfully as you ges Thompson may or may not be cur the mental slavery that has you ailment, and are often closer to you Until the crash. The point when ticulate, you're a dead ringer for rently outside the office with chained to your work, so much so than you may think. For your specif you realise that you've broken your Walter Benjamin! And I'd love to edit Brearms and liquor. That is all. that you can't even recognise the ic case, I suggest approaching that boss's face, robbed a Seven-Eleven your paper. Isn't it incredible how somatic rebellion your body has co-worker in your workplace with but lost all the cash when you fell off many essays can be written with the Dear Dr Gonzo, unleashed upon you. Your cells have the inexplicable productivity, the the motorbike you were riding and very same books? I've been sick for three days now: rallied up the troops and are staging sweeping energy and the twitching rolled into a ditch. The point when Listen, my heart is true; I'm a pal high temperature, bad cough, con a revolution against the forces that smile. Look him straight in the eye. the pigs pull up beside you with and a confidant So when you start gestion and an itchy rash on my be, the only way they know how, He'll see your pain and will save their flashing red and blue, and your masturbating to your clever thesis neck. My GP says the only thing that with angry mucous and impatient you. He will most likely take you to face hits the grid between the driver topic, I'll be right there with you, wide- will help me is some bed rest But I fatigue. They wait silentiy for you to the bathroom where he will give you and the passenger seat eyed and mopping up with the can't stay home sick! I've got too free them, and it is up to you to what you are looking for (make sure And once you hit that point, you Kleenex. Thanks for letting me set that much to do! Can you prescribe any make the right choice. The only it's not lithium—if it is then save that poor sucker, I have a feeling your straight And don't worry about the alternative treatments? choice. for later). Take home your new piffling cold will be the least of your exams. You're going to do fine. • J. Shmo, New Jersey So here's my prescription: The found treasure and prepare for Your problems. '••'•. m*"*

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