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LOVE, HELEN ______

A Play in One Act by Terry Glaser

LOVE, HELEN

Cast of Characters

Sappho: The Poetess.

Helen: Queen of Sparta.

Hera: Goddess of Marriage and Childbirth.

Athena: Goddess of Wisdom and Warfare.

Aphrodite: Goddess of Love.

Paris: Prince of Troy.

Menelaus: King of Sparta.

Greek Warrior: Cameo Role.

Trojan Warrior: Cameo Role.

Offstage Voice: Cameo Role.

LOVE, HELEN

SETTING: A neutral space, strewn with large cushions.

AT RISE: SAPPHO sits on the side of the stage, strumming a lyre. HELEN reclines on the cushions.

SAPPHO Fruit and the gods I sing, who, at a fête And driven by scorned Discord's vengeful hate, Determine that a royal shepherd boy Will cause ten years of war 'twixt Greece and Troy. Sing through me, O Muse, of beauty rare, Of perfumed kisses, silken skin, of hair Whose lustrous, golden light inflames desire, Entraps the heart and sets the soul on fire. Your power grant me, Muse, ignite my verse, Whose siren song is: beauty is a curse.

HELEN (To the audience.) Curse doesn’t begin to describe it. I never asked to be the most beautiful woman in the world: golden-haired Helen, white-armed divinity, crop-nurturing goddess, lust-inducing traitor. Queen, bitch, whore. If there’s a name for it, it’s been given to me – by men. Let me tell you the true story of all that befell me and those held captive by my charms. One day, Zeus – king of gods and men – looked down on earth from Olympus and saw that the world was groaning under the weight of humanity. So he came up with a cunning plan to lift some of the burden on the suffering planet: start a massive war that kills off as many mortals as possible. It all began, as so many things do, with an apple...

SAPPHO The story starts when Eris, goddess proud, Is not invited to the wedding crowd Of Peleus, the King of Thessaly, And Thetis, blushing nymphet from the sea. The goddess comes, and just to right her wrong, She hurls a golden apple to the throng. "For the fairest," is the fruit’s inscription. Such a bold, provocative description! And to dispute the golden prize are three 2

SAPPHO (CONT.) Who claim the honor simultaneously.

(HERA, ATHENA, and APHRODITE enter.)

HELEN Hera, deep-girdled Goddess of Marriage and Childbirth.

HERA (Squatting on her haunches.) Ouch!

HELEN Athena, bronze-breasted Goddess of Wisdom and Warfare.

(ATHENA strikes a warlike pose and grunts.)

HELEN And Aphrodite, juicy-tongued Goddess of –

APHRODITE (Licking her lips.) Mmmmmmmmmmmmm.

SAPPHO My story tells a tale of tragic love, Begun and ended by the gods above, To while away eternity's dull hours And prove which goddess has the greatest powers.

(On another part of the stage, PARIS is curled up, sound asleep and snoring. Suddenly he wakes up with a scream.)

PARIS (To the audience.) Holy Hermes, what a dream! It must be an omen. I dreamed that three ravishing goddesses were begging me to choose between them for the crown of “Most Beautiful Sex-Crazed Deity of the Year.” Now, don’t be fooled. I may look like a fatally gullible shepherd, but I’m really Paris, a prince of Troy in disguise, and thus eminently qualified to judge a divine beauty contest. But how can I make up my mind when they all promise me fantastic rewards? 3

HERA The kingdoms of Europe and Asia!

ATHENA Victory in war against the Greeks!

APHRODITE Sweaty bouts of tempestuous love-making with the most beautiful woman in the world, resulting in a frantic elopement across a monster-churning sea, followed by a murderously jealous jilted husband and the entire Greek armed forces who rape, pillage, and burn the length and breadth of your homeland – including slaughtering most of your relatives – in a really, really long war.

PARIS I’ll go for . . .

SAPPHO The misery that's left in passion's wake, Depending on whose legend is at stake, We call heroic deed or –

PARIS Number Three.

SAPPHO Big mistake.

(HERA, ATHENA, and APHRODITE exit.)

HELEN I blame the whole thing on Zeus. He had it planned out for me from the beginning: born from a bird, raped as a child, Sparta’s queen, and wife to Menelaus, who may have been big, brawny, and rich, but whose idea of romance was hump, slump, and sleep like a lump. After nine years of terminally boring wealth and power came my deliverance.

MENELAUS Listen, Honey, I just got word that my grandfather died, and I’m expected at the funeral rites in Crete. You’ll have to entertain our royal guest yourself while I’m away. He’s only a kid, that Paris. You know – all raging hormones and an eye for the ladies. Just wine him and dine him and set him up with one of your serving maids. He’ll go home to Troy fat and happy, and we’ll have all of Anatolia as an ally. 4

(MENELAUS exits.)

SAPPHO O, foolish man, self-satisfied and dumb, Who cannot see catastrophe to come.

HELEN (Calling offstage.) All clear, Paris. The dead grandfather trick worked.

PARIS (Bounding on stage and embracing HELEN.) Honeybunch!

SAPPHO What fatal power in Aphrodite’s kiss! The fevered thrall of love that first brings bliss, Then turns to hate and ends in blazing war – We always kill that which we most adore.

HELEN But let’s have some fun first!

(PARIS and HELEN embrace again.)

SAPPHO A woman’s infidelity and lust, Forsaken marriage vows, a broken trust, A guileless prince whose reckless heart she captures – The world consumed in flames from private raptures.

HELEN (To SAPPHO.) I see – it’s always the woman’s fault. Shame on you, Sappho, falling for that old fiction!

SAPPHO A faithful wife, torn from her marriage bed, Is this the story I should sing instead?

HELEN (To SAPPHO.) And now I’m a victim. Victim or whore. Aren’t there any other choices? How about helpless pawn who finally gets tired of being at everybody else’s mercy and takes destiny into her own hands?

HELEN (CONT.) (To PARIS, breaking away from him.) Later, Sweetie. The ship sails with the tide, and we better be on it. And let’s not forget to take the gold!

SAPPHO Their limbs drenched deep with all-devouring pleasure, They sail for Troy weighed down with Sparta’s treasure. A hundred thousand Greeks in black-browed ships Descend on Troy while heedless lovers’ lips Whisper words of sensuous delight That cannot drown the screams of men who fight For Helen – ravaged wife or cunning whore? No time to ask, upon Troy’s fields of gore.

(The stage represents two scenes simultaneously. On one side, HELEN and PARIS are in bed together. From the other side come the sounds of the battlefield, heard under the following dialogue.)

HELEN So, Lambchop, how much do you love me?

PARIS A lot.

HELEN Prove it. Prove how much you love me. I proved my love for you by taking you as my new husband. Now it’s your turn to prove your love for me.

PARIS (Nervously.) Did you have something specific in mind?

A GREEK WARRIOR Die, Trojan!

A TROJAN WARRIOR Die, Greek!

MENELAUS (On the battlefield.) Enough blood-spilling! We’ll settle this in single combat, or there won’t be anyone left alive to tell the story. (Calling to PARIS.) Paris, you traitorous rat, you who abused the hospitality of my house and spirited my wife across the monster-churning sea – Paris! Come out and fight like a man, you sheep-shitting, swine- swallowing, pig-pumping gobbet of goat gut!

HELEN There! Doesn’t that make you angry?

PARIS Not really.

HELEN If you don’t go out and prove your love in a duel to the death, you can kiss nights of endless love-making good-by.

PARIS Oh, all right. (To HELEN, as he crosses to the battlefield.) Keep the sheets warm. (On the battlefield.) Hello, Menelaus. I believe you were looking for me?

(With a great roar, MENELAUS attacks PARIS and they engage in fierce and noisy battle while SAPPHO speaks.)

SAPPHO Proud Helen views the clash of arms below, The rival husbands trading blow for blow. But Menelaus’ riper strength and skill Soon overcome his foe – one thrust will kill The craven Trojan princeling on the spot, But Aphrodite ends what she begot, And whisks the prince to Helen on a cloud Of god-blessed love, unbloodied and unbowed.

HELEN (To PARIS.) Of all the pigeon-pantied feather-heads! Can’t even die for the woman he loves, has to be saved by a goddess! If you think I’m going to spend the rest of my life with a wobble-willied 7

HELEN (CONT.) coddle-cock like you, you might just as well believe that the noble Greek Achilles would kill your noble brother Hector and desecrate his corpse by dragging it behind his chariot outside the walls of Troy, refusing to give up the body for burial, and permitting the funeral rites only after your father King Priam comes to his tent to plead for them in person.

PARIS I suppose it’s possible.

HELEN That does it! I’m packing up and going home to Sparta where I belong! But how do I get out of here? The city is surrounded by blood-mad Greeks.

SAPPHO The story comes full circle now, O Muse, The siege is lifted with a Grecian ruse – Odysseus concocts a clever ploy, And Troy is sacked through his equine decoy.

OFFSTAGE VOICE Cue the horse!

HELEN (To the audience.) There’s not much more to tell. The Greeks swarmed into Troy and just about everybody killed just about everybody else. Hector killed Patroclus, Achilles killed Hector, Paris killed Achilles, Philoctetes killed Paris, and, in the haze of blood and guts flying around, Ajax got confused and killed himself. Zeus’s murderous plan came to fruition, and I made it safely back to Sparta with Menelaus, who decided not to kill me for my treachery after I inadvertently let my tunic slip, thus exposing my perfect breasts and stunning him into reconciliation. Now, I live out my days in peace and comfort, not Helen of Troy, but Helen of Sparta, as I was meant to be. Paris is a distant memory – sometimes I’m not even sure it really happened – something to warm myself with on those long nights when the marriage bed feels cold. And there are plenty of nights like that . . .

SAPPHO And so we leave her now, a queen come home, Content to live in peace, no more to roam Or seek on foreign soil exotic glory.

HELEN Because I have you, Sappho – tell my story As I would wish it told – not bitch or whore, Or victim, but a woman wanting more Than what a man would have her be for him. (To the audience.) So when your splendor fades, your light grows dim,

SAPPHO Let inner beauty burn with hotter fire,

HELEN Let inner peace be all that you desire.

SAPPHO Escape the myth and run from man-made strife –

HELEN It’s not an epic tale, but it’s your life. To you who hear my story – Long may you live, And longer be remembered. Love, Helen.

THE END