December 6, 2011 - Uvm, Burlington, Vt Uvm.Edu/~Watertwr - Thewatertower.Tumblr
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last issue of the semester! good luck with fi nals! volume 10 - issue 13 - tuesday, december 6, 2011 - uvm, burlington, vt uvm.edu/~watertwr - thewatertower.tumblr. by phoebefooks and caito’hara by adrikopp I’ve never considered myself to be very ook at the people around you. Actually, southern. I’m from East Tennessee, and I’ll check out the people around you. Check be the quickest to tell you that Knoxville’s out yourself—do you notice something? not exactly like the dirty redneck south that Do you notice the ridiculous amount of at- everyone pictures. For one, we’re hillbilly, tractive human beings living amongst us? not redneck, and if you don’t know the dif- Yes, we are a smokin’ hot generation, a stea- ference, I would tell you to Wiki it, but in min’ hot generation, a heatin’ up and on fi re this case Urban Dictionary is much more generation. I mean, damn! It’s not surpris- enlightening: “A Redneck lives in a trailer ing that Burlington has had a tough time park and goes on the Jerry Springer show; a bringing in its notoriously cold winter this Hillbilly lives in a shack or cabin out in the year, nor is it surprising that in the past cen- middle of nowhere and doesn’t even have a tury we’ve been undergoing a phenomenon TV.” Well, I have a TV, but I didn’t watch it that some of us like to call global warming. much as a kid, and although I technically Sure, you can blame it on Hollywood, the live in the woods, the greater Knoxville media, the limitless availability of commer- area boasts almost one million inhabitants, cial beauty products, and the Internet, but making it hardly “the middle of nowhere.” there is empirical evidence here that can- But that’s not to say I didn’t have my not be denied: more hotties, higher temps. southern upbringing. I spent most of my Let’s look back. Check out the people con- childhood running around said woods sidered hotties in the 1800s. Muttonchops. with a group of neighborhood kids and Petticoats. Powdered wigs. Now Lincoln machetes, building forts, swinging on was a decent fellow, with the honesty and vines, and terrorizing local farm animals whatnot, but the top hat-impressive facial (no animals were hurt… just spooked a lit- hair combo isn’t one to recommend from tle…). I ate fried okra, biscuits, dumplings, the dollar menu. Hoop skirts, corsets, pet- and jambalaya and I attended every SEC ticoats and hats have today’s Derby-goers football game played in Neyland Stadium, green with envy; sound like fun? Maybe including one particularly memorable tail- you’re into that kind of stuff , but in com- gate for which we grilled up some gator to parison to modern aesthetics, it’s easy to chow down before taking on the University see why these trends faded. warming is a problem at all. And it’s no “Can’t nobody stop the juice, so tell me baby of Florida. Th e temperature increase all started back wonder; we are all soaking in the sunshine what’s use?” asks Nelly in his 2002 chart- Still, I think I came through it all relative- in the middle of the 20th century, around of Mila Kunis, Justin Bieber, and 50 being topper, “Hot in Herre”. With the climbing ly unmarked. I really used to pride myself the time that our folks and many current the new 20. But seriously... it’s a problem.” climate, clothing is becoming more sparse, on not portraying the embarrassing traits movie hotties were being brought into this And he’s right. We are all reveling in the fact more revealing and ironically not cooling that are associated with my past. As a rising world as screaming bundles of joy. As they that we are the single hottest generation to anyone down. Nelly fashions a sexy sweat- freshman in college I was actually proud: I grew up and began families of their own, grace this planet, but global warming is a band along with his deisgner tanktop in the was an individual; I was unique…. I was… there was a palpable change in average serious issue that will most likely lead to music video for “Hot in Herre” in which well, young. When I showed up for school attractiveness of each the end of this civilization. Th e nature various dancers are removing their cloth- in Burlington, almost four years ago, most new generation and, as ing due to dangerously people were sincerely surprised to fi nd out proven later, a palpable high temperatures... and where I was from. I commonly received the change in the average there is empirical evidence here that Nelly is just loving it. comment, “but you don’t have an accent!” global temperature. Th ere are many sides and I guess my full set of straight-enough Sociologists examined cannot be denied: to this debate and endless teeth and unripped blue jeans made me data gathered from the proposals and plans have look normal enough, although it probably last 167 years to the more hotties, higher temps been lost by the wayside, helped that many of Groovy UV’s beloved day, and the trend they but regardless, we all have students happen to share my enjoyment of found was startling. Each new generation of the issue has some activists calling a decision to make as indi- going barefoot. Still, I hated country music, experienced a 69.9669% increase in the for weird and extreme measures. Th ere are viduals. We can take full advantage of this I voted liberal, and I knew how to ski—so I average level of physical appeal across the some crazy ideas out there including man- sexy society or resist temptation for the managed to blend in just fi ne. But that’s the board. Even more startling is the correla- datory paper bags over our heads, to beauty benefi t of future generations and the fu- real killer. While I thought I was so special tion between the hotness factor and the salon protests, to the “Occupy California ture of the earth, because aft er all, she is the for avoiding the stereotypes of my upbring- rising global temperature. At fi rst clima- Cyrobank” movement which is moving sexiest of all mamas.We know that there ing, what I was really doing is conforming tologists were baffl ed as to the cause and into its second trimester. are more of you out there who drool over to the more present stereotypes of my sur- extensive research was done into “Green- On the contrary, supporters of the glob- pictures of icebergs, mountains, and tropi- roundings. house Gases” before the correlation was al hottness theory include several hip-hop cal sunsets on Stumbleupon than there are Th e truth would slowly leak out though. discovered and revealed in August 2010. aritsts whose popular song lyrics clearly ex- readers of People magazine. So as hot as Apparently I say “tin” instead of “ten” and Th e debate thus turns to what in the hell plicate that hotties cause benefi cial increas- we know we are, let’s all keep in mind how while I don’t use “ya’ll” in everyday conver- are we can do about this. Environmental es in temperature. Increased temperatures fi ne this planet is and how long we want it sation, I have this awkwardly nasty habit activist Earl Go stated recently, “Th ere are make us want to take our clothes off , which to stay that way. Stay gorgeous. g of using it in the possessive (“ya’ll’s”). It many who still do not believe that global doesn’t do much to supress the heat at all. ... read the rest on page 7 german politics skyrim for non-gamers holiday card horrors funk carioca by jamesaglio by megankelley by sarahperda by gregfrancese by kerrymartin with patrickleene Times are hard. As millions of Americans millions of Americans, especially if it’s a suffering from the recession tighten the workday. Every working man and woman belt and cut back on spending, they con- battles through each hour like an angry, sequently salt the economy’s open wounds: aching Zeus about to give birth to Athena while people save money, industries suffer from his head. The aches, the shakes, and with emilyhoogesteger and cut more jobs. But the sluggish recov- the digestive quakes can be too much… ery of the Dow Jones does little to quell unless you send a prayer to St. Phoebe, the Dear wt, The Internet: It’s finals week and, as if by magic, Facebook statuses seem like in- Americans’ holiday spirit, and millions Patron Saint of Hangover Cures. Everyone teresting reading, every show on Hulu is captivating, and you feel the need to click across the nation flock to supermarkets and knows the tale of St. Phoebe, Joan of Arc’s hey jamie beckett/ u skateboarders who claim NIMBYs should welcome a through slideshows titled “The 100 stupidest signs in America”. Why do you do this shopping malls at Christmastime as if they nurse: after Joan got drunk with the army noisey skateboard at the lake are nerds. Skateboarding is noisey, annoying to us, internet? We were just trying to study. were Meccas with food courts. According boys on the eve of a battle (it was St. Patrick’s and obnoxious. Go get a life. Ure probably from N.J. [sic] to top sources (like Wikipedia), Christmas Day, after all), God came to Phoebe and Sharlotte Hydorn: Ms.