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Published by George Routledge and Sons. NOVELS AT TWO SH\LLmGS.—Continued. By FIELDING and SMOLLETT FIELDING. SMOLLETT. Tom Jones. Roderick Random. Joseph Andrews. Humphrey Clinker. Amelia. Peregrine Pickle.

Million of Money. FERRIER. ige. ROBERT W WOODRUFF tance. I Jack Adams. LIBRARY LOVER. More, ^ndy.

oung Commander C. LONG. enant's Story. Ashton.

; Hussar.

Arrow, [imself.

I Sports in the ighlands. I Sports in the est.

ND YATES. Gauntlet, .od. By THEODORE HOOK. Peregrine Bunce. The Widow and the Passion and Principle. Cousin Geoffry. Marquess. Mcrton. Gilbert Gurney. Gurney Married. Gervase Skinner. Parson's Daughter. Jack Brag. Cousin William. All in the Wrong. Maxwell. Fathers and Sons. Man of Many Friends.

Published by George Routledge and Sons. NOVELS AT TWO SHILLINGS.—C

OF

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES,

EDITED BY PATRICK KENNEDY,

AUTHOR OF " THE FIRESIDE AND BARDIC STORIES OF IRELAND,' " THE BANKS OF THE BORO," " EVENINGS IN THE DUFFREV," ETC. ETC

" By Mahomet," said Sultan Solyman, " That ragged fellow is my very man." SIR WALTER SCOTT.

LONDON: GEORGE ROUTLEDGE AND SONS, THE BROADWAY, LUDGATE. NEW YORK: 416, BROOME STREET. ROUTLEDGE'S ANECDOTE LIBRARY.

In foolscap ivo, fancy hoards, THE BOOK OF MODERN ENGLISH ANECDOTES. Edited by ToM HoOD.

THE BOOK OF MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. Edited by PATRICK KENNEDY.

THE BOOK OF MODERN SCOTCH ANECDOTES.

Edited by J. ALLAN MAIR.

THE BOOK OF MODERN LEGAL ANECDOTES. Edited by JOHN TIMES.

THE BOOK OF MODERN THEATRICAL ANECDOTES. Edited by PERCY FITZGERALD.

THE BOOK OF MODERN AMERICAN ANECDOTES. Edited by HOWARD PAUL.

And each in One Volume, crown 8vo, cloth, THE BOOK OF MODERN ANECDOTES.

ENGLISH—IRISH—SCOTCH,

THE BOOK OF MODERN ANECDOTES.

LEGAL—THEATRICAL—AMERICAN. PREFACE.

THE numerous collections of this kind extant, each heralded by its preface, have agreeably removed from the present com­ piler any obligation of bespeaking his readers' favour by an elaborate introduction. Like its predecessors, this Irish medley has no higher ambition than that of agreeably occupying a leisure hour during quiet evenings at home, or periods of forced inaction in steamboat or railway carriage. If, when read out in a family circle, it interests and amuses its young and old hearers, the editor's self-complacency will be still further augmented. The EngUsh and Scotch and the present Irish compilation, taken in combination with each other, must contribute to some extent in drawing the social bonds which unite the three peoples still closer. Every one of the compilers has had at heart to bring forward the more estimable qualities of his subjects, their ludicrous faults and failings serving merely as a shady background to enhance the brighter tints of the picture. It has entered into the present writer's design to draw the attention of his readers to the principal events in the history Of his country since the revolution of 1691, and to refresh iv PREFACE, the portraits of the most remarkable characters who, well or ill, played out their allotted parts during the same period. The little prefatorial speech being now spoken, nothing remains to be done but to refer to the chief works from which materials have been borrowed. These are—Doctor R. R. Madden's " History of Irish Periodical Literature;" Mr. W. J. Fitzpatrick's " Sham Squire," and its sequel, " Ireland before the Union;" Mr. J. T. Gilbert's "Streets of Dublin," from the " Irish Quarterly Review ;" Sir Jonah Barrington's " Per­ sonal Recollections;" Papers by Mr. P. J. Murray in the " Irish Quarterly Review;" " Recollections of Ireland," by Mr. M.; and the "Bar Life of O'Connell," by Mr. J. R. O'Flanagan; and " Ireland Sixty Years Ago," by the late Rt. Hon. Edward Walsh, Master of the Rolls. MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

the victory for him, and being IRISH PRONUNCIATION. asked what he wished to be done for himself, he answered . THE Irish of our day complain " I wish to be made a justice o' of the treatment of their pro­ de pashe agra."—" But Teague, nunciation by American and Eng­ you would not be fit for the lish writers, who remorselessly place."—" Oh fait, I will sho. I drag such words as praste, thafe, can make my mark, and take de and •paither out of their mouths oats (oaths). I vill be a very to their great disgust. It is pro­ honesht man meshelf, and keep bable that they were no better a great rogue for a clerk." In a off in the end of the seventeenth modern farce Teague would have century. Their own countryman, to say kape, poor George Farquhar (1678— N.B.—No Irish peasant mis­ 1707), could afford no better pronounces ie or ee. pronunciation nor phraseology to Teague in the " Twin Rivals" than the following:— JAMES II. AT THE BOYNE. " Yesh agra, I'm a great thra- veller. I did visit France and THE last monarch of the Shpain agra. I did kish de Stuart line is scarcely a greater Pope's toe: dat 'ill excuse all de favourite with Irish Catholics sins I commit in dis life, and fen than with English Protestants. I'm dead Shaint Patrick 'ill Our peasantry can afford him excuse de rest." no more respectable title than Teague is suborned to swear Shamus a choka. (Natives of that his own master is the England will do well in not at­ younger of two brothers, but tempting to pronounce this last when the trial comes on, and he word, nor seek after its mean­ sees him grieved and surprised ing.) The poor king has been at his treachery, he acknow­ wrongly suspected of cowardice ledges before the Court that he by both parties. He was pos­ has received a bribe, which he sessed both of personal courage offers to share with his dear and military capacity, but Eng­ master. Having, by his good- lishmen lay nearer to his heart natured blundering, obtained than Irishmen, and he could set MODERA IRISH ANECDOTES, no more than half his abilities let these mere Irish depart with­ at work when in command out some punishment. The Wil- against his British subjects, liamite Chaplain, Story, thus rebels as they were. We will relates the circumstances :— not vouch for the truth of the "They (the Iniskilliners) stript following tradition, still told at most part of the women, and the hearths of the peasantry, forced a great many arms from and illustrative of the inclina­ the men, and took it very ill tions of the chief, who, when he that the duke did not order them saw at one point of the battle all to be put to death, notwith­ the foreigners retreating before standing the articles. But he the natives, cried out, " Oh spare knew better things, and so rude my English subjects !" Now were the Irish Scots, that the for the tradition. duke was forced to ride in Burke, the cannonier, catch­ among them with his pistol in ing a sight of William on the his hand to keep the Irish from rising ground beyond the river, being murdered. The poor Irish adjusted his piece, so as to put were thus obliged to fly to the him out of all worldly care and soldiers for protection." pain, and cried out to King Schonberg, not being able to James, who was standing near, force the passes beyond Dun- " I'm going to present your Ma­ dalk, was obliged to form a jesty with three crowns. I have camp, and winter in its neigh­ William covered." — "Oh, you bourhood, and wretched winter- wretch ! " answered James, strik­ quarters his army experienced. ing the cannon angrily with his Three Dutch soldiers incau­ cane, " would you make my tiously straying beyond their daughter a widow !" Burke was lines were taken prisoners, and anything but pleased with the brought before King James. He royal speech. "D a shot," questioned them, and finding he muttered to himself, " will I that they belonged to a captain ever fire for you again after this who had been very kind to him­ battle, Shamus a choka !" self when in discomfort at Ro­ chester, he gave them money, and dismissed them, with kind GOOD POINTS IN THE CHA­ respects to their chief. RACTERS OF JAMES, WIL­ When William was proceed­ LIAM, AND SCHONBERG. ing to Limerick from Dublin, after the hard-won victory of the THE brave old Dutch com­ Boyne, he exerted himself in as mander, landing in the north of praiseworthy a manner as did the Ireland, invested Carrickfergus, duke to preserve the inoffensive and after some hot work, garri­ country people from ill-treat­ son and citizens were permitted ment on the part of the soldiers, to quit the fortress, and proceed Thus writes Story :— to Newry. The Inniskilliners, " Little hapned remarkable however, were not disposed to except the king's great care to MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES, keep the souldiers from plun­ brought only three halfpence, dering, and every night was while a groat secured a fat lamb given out in orders that on pain or fat kid. Other eatables were of death no man should go be­ proportionably cheap, even al­ yond the lines in the camp, or lowing for the superior value of take violently to the least value money one hundred and seventy from Protestant or Papist. The years since. nth the army inarched to Kil " The English Protestant" Kullen bridge. The king, this scarcely liked the native " hu­ morning passing by the Ness mans" as well as he did their (Naas,in Irish, A'aj, a gathering), cattle, fowl, and game ; still he saw a souldier robbing a poor honestly described things as woman, which enraged his Ma­ they appeared to him. Here is jesty so much that he beat him a portion of his varied picture. with his cane, and gave orders " The meer Irish are not near that he and others guilty of the so wild and barbarous as gene­ like disobedience should be exe­ rally represented, but are as cuted on the Monday following." lusty, full, well-set, comely, hand­ some, fair and clear skinned as the English ; mighty hospitable IRELAND BEFORE THE and kind-hearted to strangers, WAR, so that if any comes where they are eating they will take it very WONDERFULLY recuperative unkindly if he do not eat with qualitiesmust our Island possess. them; ay, and travellers shall Notwithstanding the ravages in­ have better entertainment gratis flicted on the country during the than they can afford themselves. parliamentary wars, the author For though the country be thus of " Ireland's Lamentation by an extream plentiful, the common­ English Protestant" stated that, alty among the Irish fare very just previous to the Williamite hard, and live mostly upon po­ struggles,— tatoes, parsnips, cabbidg, beans, pease, barley, and oat-bread, " Money was as plentiful, and sour thick milk or butter milk, with much more ease obtained and, unless on festival days, than in England. So that an rarely eat a bit of flesh, butter, ordinary farmer or tradesman eggs, or cheese. They are very keeps a better house, and lives nasty and sluttish, prefer strong more plentiful than those of four butter and sowr milk before or five hundred a year can do in sweet, scarce ever wear shifts or England." shirts, or lodge-otherwise than By this observant English on straw or rushes on the Protestant we learn that a good- ground, with their cows, calves, sized salmon might then be swine, or sheep, made fast at bought for a penny or two, the bed's head (!), or at the least forty-five eggs for a penny, a fat only a little partition of wattles goose for threepence, and a fat between. Use no sheets, turn- turkey for sixpence. A fat hen MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. ble all together, only the hus­ pay a thirteen" (English shil­ band between other men and ling).—" If that be the case I their wives (his wife), and the may as well have something for wife between other wonien and my money." Room was made their husbands" (her husband, for him, and a knife (for the as we suppose). butter) laid before him. He Our observer remarked that imitated the mode of proceeding a prophecy was current among round him pretty much to his the people, that a day would own satisfaction, joined in the come when they would be found conversation as well as he could, weeping and lamenting over the admired the natural politeness graves of the Protestants. We of the people, and, when " thirst have heard the same prophecy and hunger ceased," took out a thus modified :—" When the bright shilling and laid it beside Protestants will be all dead and his plate. " Ah, sir, what's that gone, the Catholics will be seen for ? "—" For my dinner: you carrying home with them the mentioned that price." A Ho­ clay front their graves." Since meric peal of laughter involun­ the Boyne and Aughrim we tarily rose from the entire fa­ have lost something: but neither mily, but it was checked when our hospitality nor our humour. they looked on the confusion in We have the following in­ the face of their guest. The stance from good authority:— hearty goodnature shining on every countenance and thehearty shaking of hands which fol­ WAY-SIDE HOSPITALITY. lowed, soon set the stranger at ease, and when he resumed his ABOUT sixty years since, an journey he left a part of his English traveller was proceed­ heart behind. ing on foot from Bunclody to New Ross. He entered a cabin near Ballinvegga to make some DOMESTIC ECONOMY incidental inquiry, and found AMONG THE RAPPAREES. the family at their dinner of po­ tatoes, butter, and milk. While THESE were the unfortunate proposing his question he could adherents of the national and not help admiring the size of Royal cause, who found them­ the potato heap, and the absence selves outlawed at the conclusion of a containing dish. The an­ of the Cromwellian wars, and swer was courteously given, ac­ obliged to resort to the strong companied by a request to take hand to keep the life in them. a seat and join the dining party. The contemporary writer of " I am not hungry," said the "The True Narrative" thus traveller; "pray excuse me." spoke of their mode of adapt­ —" Oh, be the laws," said the ing their consciences to their man of the house, " you may as needs:— well. Eat or not, you'll have to " These rogues could dispense MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES, with their inviolable Lent fast, he shall not have the town at so that they did eat nothing but all." The Duke smiled, and what they call protestant beef said he hoped to make him and mutton. They would not more angry in a short time. kill a beef or a mutton before At last, obliged by fate and they had called a formal jury on famine, the choleric commander him, and tried him for heresie. demanded honourable terms, If a party brought in any small and readily obtained them from Irish cattel that had no brand, Schonberg, and a sad contrast and they guessed belonged to was presented by the ragged, an Irishman, the beasts were famished loyalists to the well- dismissed, but the delinquents clothed, well-fed Dutch, and that brought them in were fined, German, and French soldiers, and obliged to satisfy the so­ who replaced them. There were ciety in stolen cattel. But if the snobs before the days of the beasts were found to be branded lamented William Makepeace and in good case, as those that Thackeray. The Brandenburgh belonged to the English way of colonel happening to belong to husbandry commonly were, they that contemptible class, ex­ were condemned for hereticks, claimed, on catching a sight of and immediately slaughtered. the famished warriors, "Mein A poor Englishman that I very Gott, how it shames me to have well knew, who had but one to come to fight against such beef, found her tied up with a scoundrels !" Very different rope in one of his neighbours' from this snob was his brave houses, the jury about her, and and considerate general, Duke the judge pronouncing sen­ Schonberg, who highly esteemed tence." the eccentric Sir Thigue for his loyal and soldierly character. He came to give friendly greet­ SIR TEAGUE O'REGANAND ing to the chief of the liberated HIS WAR HORSE. garrison on the departure of himself and his men, and the THE fortress of Charlemont Rev. Mr. Story shall inform us was the last of the Northern of the ludicrous particulars of strongholds to surrender to the interview. Schonberg. The fiery Sir " Besides the souldiers they Thigue (Thaddeus) in command also had about 200 Irish women of the garrison, obstinately held and children, who stood in a out till all were nearly starved. body by themselves between the Sir Thigue's good breeding was two battalions. Old Teague the not on a par with his valour. governor was mounted on an His answer to a polite summons old stallion, and he very lame of surrender was given in these with scratches, &c. &c. &c., and rough terras:—" Tell your master other infirmities, but withal so from Sir Teague O'Regan, that vitious that he would fall a kick­ he's an old knave, and {an oath) ing and squeeling if any one ID MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. came near him. Teague him­ ' magh, and given them provision self had a great bunch upon his for their march to Dundalk, took back, a plain red coat, a weather- a friendly farewell of them. beaten wig hanging down at full While Sir Thigue* was taking length, a little narrow white dinner with the officers one of beaver cocked up, a yellow cra­ his subordinates entered, and vat string, but that all on one rather disturbed the harmony of side, his boots with a thousand the entertainment by his news. wrinkles in them ; and though It seems that on the march. Sir it was a very hot day, yet he Thigue's chaplain had glided into had a great muff hanging about a controversy with an English him. dragoon, and as neither party " Thus mounted and equipped saw a near prospect of effecting he approached the Duke with a a conversion with the tongue, compliment, but his horse would appeal was made with mutual not allow him to make it a long consent to the fists. At this one, for he fell to work presently, exercise the soldier, as any one and the Duke had scarce time could foretell, had the advan­ to make him a civil return. The tage, and the object of the Duke then reviewed the Irish visitor was to induce Sir Thigue battalions, who all, both officers to get the victor punished. " Tell and souldiers, after they had the chaplain," said the com­ made him a great many legs, mander, " that this is a case in stared upon him as if they knew which I cannot interfere. All I not whether he was a man or can do is to strongly advise him some strange creature. never to quarrel again with a dragoon." " The Duke seeing so many women and children, asked the reason of keeping such a num­ SCHONBERG'S ORATION TO ber in the garrison, which no doubt destroyed their provisions. THE INNISKILLINERS, He was answered that the Irish were very hospitable, and that THE brave Dutch Dalgetty they all fared alike, but the looked on the female element in greatest reason was, that the the Charlemont garrison with souldiers would not stay in the considerable contempt, but if we garrison without their wives. are to trust to the veracity of the The Duke replied, there was lamented John Banim in his more love than policy in it." Historical Romance of "The Boyne Water," it roused his anger when he found his aUies, SIR TEAGUE SETTLES A the Inniskilliners, not exempt KNOTTY POINT OF CON­ TROVERSY. * The reader is requested to excuse the variety of spelling in the commander's name. By English writers the name is spelled Teague, but by the natives the SCHONBERG'S people having word is invariably pronounced Thigue, seen the Irish force safe to Ar- The correct spelling is Tadg, MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. II from the national weakness. in the county of Kerry, where he Thus he scolded his valiant but eateth grass, and lappeth water badly accoutred friends. with some use of reason, but not " Mein Heafen, here is much of speech, and shall be caught more of the Irishers hot tempers! up at last by hunters and their Basta! I have nefer met such hounds, and so brought home. tings in any service mit your But this story is a little too light Frenchmans, your Portugueses, for so great an author as Cam­ your Brandenbergians, your En- den, though be only relates it as glishmans, or your Dutchmans. a foolish fancy." Sacra, nefer ! you one Inniskil- The original legend was in lingers, you ride here to join us this form. When Fionn Mac on your fery big lean cats, and Cumhail and his men were con­ all de wild fat womans of Ireland tending at Fiontra (Fair Strand, at your backs to eat up our food Ventry harbour) against the or to thief it. You cry in great King of the World (Roman Em­ spirits indeed, ' Send us always peror) and his allies, Gall a on de forlorn of de army,' and northern prince coming to give den you cry again, ' Oh, we can his help against the invaders, never do any good now no more fought with such fury that he indeed, for we are put under was seized with madness, fled orders.'" from the battle field, and plunged Having got rid of his momen­ into the solitude of Gleann na tary anger by giving it an air­ n-gealt (the Glen of the insane). ing, he paid the scold^es some Since then every Irish person well deserved compliments on affected by insanity must pay a their bravery, endurance, &c. visit to this vale of woe once in his life. So strong a hold has this A TRANSPLANTED belief on the inhabitants of LEGEND. Munster, that numbers of in­ stances have been remarked, of STORY took occasion from the persons in the early stages of shouting of the Irish when Wil­ the malady, leaving their homes liam's arm was struck by the and finding their way to the cannon ball, to explain their weird valley. love of making an outcry when going to battle. " I have often observed the OUR LAST SIGHT OF Irish very fond of shouting and JAMES. hallowing before an engagement, and there is a tradition among ONE of the causes which have them that whoever does not left an unfriendly feeling in the shout and huzza as the rest do in hearts of the Irish to James is a battel, he is suddenly caught up tradition (probably incorrect) of from the ground into the air, a short conversation between and so into a certain desart vale himself and the Duchess of Tyr- 12 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. connell on his return to Dublin previously to his taking final Castle after the defeat at the leave of the Irish capital. Boyne. " Madam," said he, " I At last he entered the apart­ congratulate you on the swift­ ment. ness of your countrymen in a " There was that in the fallen retreat."—"Your Majesty," an­ condition of the King, in the swered the indignant lady, " de­ very magnitude of his misfor­ serves a higher compliment, for tunes, which lent a mournful you have outstripped the fleetest dignity to his presence, and of them." James would have which, in spite of the petulance hardly given utterance to that which occasionally broke from ill-natured remark on those who him, impressed the few disap­ had exhibited such loyalty to pointed and well-nigh ruined him. They had disputed the followers of his cause, who stood battle-field foot by foot, though before him, with feelings of me­ the ordinary rank and file were lancholy respect. for the most part ill-disciplined "' Gentlemen,' said the King recruits, and were contending after a brief pause, 'it hath against well-trained mercena­ ries. Besides, the retreat was a pleased the Almighty Disposer very leisurely one, and so effec­ of events to give the victory to tively covered by Lauzun's ar­ our enemies. They will be in tillery that the pursuers followed possession of this city before but a very short distance from many days are passed. Mat­ the battle field. James's own ters being so, we must needs mismanagement with regard to shift for ourselves as best we the cannon, and the forced inac­ may. Above all we do com­ tion of Sarsfield were, humanly mand you, we do implore of speaking, the chief causes of the you, gentlemen, in your several defeat. stations, and principally you. Colonel Luttrell, as governor of The eminent writer, J. Sheri­ this our city, to prevent all un­ dan Le Fanu, Esq., little partial due severity, all angry reprisals, as he is to James or his cause, all violences upon the suspected thus bears testimony to his con­ within its walls. We do earn­ scientiousness, the occasion be­ estly entreat of you all to re­ ing his final departure from member that this is our city, and Dublin Castle. (See Torloch they our subjects. Protect it O'Brien.) and them as long as it shall " In the cold grey of the seem wise to occupy this town morning it were hard to imagine for us. This is our last com­ a more dreary or less inviting mand, our parting request.'" spectacle than this group of loyalists presented. While they were waiting thus, James, a man OVID IN FINGAL AND of punctuality to the last, was TIPPERARY. employed in paying and dis­ charging his menial servants, THE attentive historian of the MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 13 Jacobite wars, proceeding with the army from Drogheda to BARONY FORTH MEMO­ Dublin, picked up the following RABILIA, precious bit of information con­ THE Barony of Forth, in cerning the Fingallians, viz., the Wexford, occupies most of the dwellers adjoining the coast:— tract bordering on the southern "The country hereabouts is, coast. Our graphic historian most of it all, inhabited by Old found room in his narrative for English, and is called Fingal, this slight sketch of its inhabi­ that is, a ' Nation of Foreign­ tants. ers.' It's scarce worth relating "Hereabouts were the first what is writ in the Irish annals, English planted in Ireland. of a countryman nigh this place, They were a colony of west- that, in the year 1341, found a countrymen, and retain their pair of gloves, in drawing on of old English tone and customs which he barked like a dog, and to this day. I am credibly in­ from that time the elders in that formed that every day, about country barked like big dogs, one or two o'clock in summer, and the young ones like whelps, they go to bed, the whole and this continued with some country round. Nay the very for eighteen days, with others a hens fly up, and the sheep go to month, and with some for two fold as orderly as if it were years, and entered also into night." several other places. And they The men and women really tell you likewise of the men of indulged in the siesta, but in Tipperary being turned into our opinion the hens and sheep wolves at a certain time of the were calumniated. " The Ba­ year. But these are trifles, for ronies," as they are termed by they are commonly dogs or the rest of the county, continue wolves in their nature, but not to this day a pious, industrious, otherwise." and primitive people. They If the chaplain could have raise beans in abundance, use foreseen that the descendants of the dry stalks for fuel, and con­ the English settlers in Tipperary tinue to enjoy the nickname and the city of Cork (in former of Beany-Bags. Using better days the most un-Irish city in food and oftener than their the kingdom) would turn out to neighbours, these last accuse be the most disaffected to En­ them of gluttonously indulging glish rule of all the people in in five meals per diem. During the empire, it would have ren­ the past century and the early dered his life miserable. He part of the present, no Forth- made a natural mistake con­ man would venture on the cerning the Fingallians, who are perilous journey to Dublin. The the descendants of Scandinavian ice was at last broken by a settlers, the Finn Gaill or worthy man to whom a legacy " White Foreigners," was bequeathed, but a journey to the capital was indispensable 14 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES, before possession of the bequest. a report suddenly spread abroad Sundry family councils were in the North that the Papists held, and orations made in would rise on the 9th of the cur­ favour of the journey and against rent month (December, 1688), it before the resolve to try the and massacre the Protestants awful adventure was adopted. throughout the kingdom. An So prayers were offered up for impression prevailed among the the weal of the daring man in Roman Catholics of Dublin and all the neighbouring churches its vicinity at the same time and chapels for a month, and that the Protestants were intent then the journey was begun. In on a general onslaught on them­ the absence of all further in­ selves. Earl Mount Alexander formation on the subject, let us got a warning printed, and dis­ hope that the prize was won, patched copies to Dublin. These and the return safely effected, arrived on Friday, 7th instant, and the next nine days enlivened the next Sunday being the day by the recital of the venture appointed for the slaughter. into unknown territories, and Three thousand Protestants all the comments for which they taking the alarm hastened to furnished a text. In ridicule of get on board the ships in the the luxurious living of the men bay, the mere Irish congratu­ and women of Forth, the fol­ lating themselves on the unex­ lowing tradition is preserved in pected movements of their ill- the barony of Scarawalsh and willers. However, the Catholic the remaining seven of the Lord-Deputy (Tyrconnel) being county. Forth and Bargy ex­ informed of the panic and flight, cepted. dispatched the Earls of Ros­ common and Longford after the In the retreat after the Battle fugitives, and persuaded them of Foulkes's Mill in 1798, a florid to land and return to their young man from the barony was homes. He dispatched his own observed to be weeping bitterly. yacht after one or two vessels " What are you crying for, you that had got under way, and big slob ?" said one of his com­ succeeded in bringing them rades in ill-luck. " Is it afeard back. This occurred on Sun­ you are ?"—" I'm not a bit af— day morning. The news of the af— af— afeared no more than sham plot did not reach some yourself, but I didn't get a bit localities till the people were to eat for the last four hours." assembled at prayers, and Story thus described the result:— A CAUSELESS MUTUAL FRIGHT. " They were struck with such sudden apprehension of imme­ IN times of peace people can­ diate destruction, that the doors not be too earnest in their not allowing quick passage prayers that they may be spared enough, by reason of the crowd, the horrors of civil strife. Be­ abundance of persons made fore the breaking out of the war. their escapes out of the windows, MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 15 and in the greatest fright and you, and hang you up."—" Very disorder that can be represented, properly remarked," said the un­ the men leaving their hats and feeling master, showing his face periwigs behind them ; some of from behind one of the large them had their cloaths torn to trees. " If he is a thief, hanging pieces, others were trampled is the only cure for him."—" Oh, under foot, and the women in sir, honey !" cried the affrighted much worse condition than the mother, " I was only joking; the men." child is as honest as the sun."— " So you say now to get him off, but that is not your real opinion; LORD GALMOY AND HIS he was committing trespass on BROTHER. my property, and hanged he must be," and unless the tradi­ MANY were the acts of cour­ tion is a lying one, hanged the tesy, mercy, and forbearance poor child was, despite the des­ exercised by the chiefs on both pair and piercing shrieks of the sides during the continuance of wretched woman. the WiUiamite war. Some acts of a contrary character ar^ on record, and among the names BRASS MONEY distinguished for cruelty stands (The Wooden Shoes omitted): out distinctly that of the Jaco­ bite Lord Galmoy. In the north­ IT is morally certain that the west of Wexford, a tradition brass money, which so deter­ prevails that a brother of this minedly sticks to the memory nobleman. Sir Walter Butler, of King James, would, if he had owned the estate around Munfin regained power, be all ransomed House, by the Slaney bank, by sterling coin of the realm. about four miles below Bun­ Had the distressed monarch a clody. He was as unfeeling as sufficiency of pure gold, silver, his brother, and the following and copper in his possession, he detestable act of his is still re­ would never have insisted on his lated. A poor woman and her lieges giving a half-crown's value son, a child of eight or nine for a brazen article, value (say) years, were passing along the three farthings. However, the road near the fine old manor base metal current in 1689,1690, house just named, and the lad was the occasion of no small could not be kept from search­ amount of mischief: witness an ing among the bushes and shrubs occurrence related in a pam­ of the fence for birds'-nests, or phlet of 1690. some other things so attractive " Colonel Roger Moore, hav­ to boyish fancies. His mother ing an incumbrance of ;^3,ooo being delayed longer than was upon the Lord Dillon's estate, agreeable to her, cried out, who is married to the daughter " Come along, you young thief! of Lady Tyrconnel, she sent for Maybe Sir Walter Butler will see him, and told him that having i6 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. some money at her command, who, under the stage name, and being very desirous of tak­ Calcraft, managed the Theatre ing the burthen off her daugh­ Royal, Dublin, during the second ter's estate, she was content to quarter of the present century, pay him off in ready money, and largely contributed to Irish provided he would make some dramatic biography in our Na­ handsome abatement of the sum tional Magazine. Mr. Cole, for­ due. The gentleman being com­ merly captain in the Fusiliers, plaisant to the lady, and very was possessed of great literary willing to receive money in such abilities, and was in every re­ a time of scarcity, freely con­ spect the model of an estimable sented to abate a thousand Irish gentleman. pounds, so the money might be "There are few names more paid down at once. The lady worthy to be inscribed in the seemed very thankful, and ap­ roll of honour than that of pointed him to come next day, Patrick Sarsfield, who may be and bring the deeds and obliga­ quoted as a type of loyalty and tions with him, and receive the patriotic devotion. In the an­ money. Accordingly he came, nals of Irish history he stands and having given a legal release, as a parallel to- Pierre du Ter- the lady opened a door, and rail. Chevalier de Bayard, in showed him a long table covered those of France, and may be over with copper and brass equally accounted sans peur et (money), and tendered it for his sans reproche, the fearless and payment, which, whether he re­ irreproachable knight, in his jected in passion, or hired a cart public actions, firm and con­ to carry it away, I cannot teU." sistent ; in his private character, amiable, and unblemished. . At the end of the war, William III. would have gladly won his PATRICK SARSFIELD, LORD services, and he offered to con­ LUC AN. tinue him in his rank and pro­ THE plan of our publication perty, but he listened to no excludes connected historical or overture, and left his native biographical details, but we country attended by thousands must find room for a few sen­ of that gallant body who, under tences on the subject of Sars­ the title of ' The Irish Brigade,' field, the most single-minded, filled the continent of Europe upright, and unselfish of all the with their renown." brave men who adhered to the The earliest of the family on fortunes of their king. They record was Thomas Sarsfield, are copied from a biography of standard-bearer to Henry II. the hero {Dublin University Patrick received his military Magazine, November, 1853), by education in a French military a lineal descendant of Sars- college. His earlier grades were field's sister, Mary (Mrs. Ros- ensign in Monmouth's regiment siter), viz., John William Cole, in France, and (subsequently) MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. lieutenant in the Royal Guards nary history, and the " Boyne of England. After the treaty of Water" of the lamented John Limerick, he was most cordially Banim. That writer gives these received in Paris by James and lines as a quotation from an old Louis. The titles of colonel of ballad. He himself was equal James's body guards, and lieu­ to their composition— tenant-general of the French " From Limerick that day bould Sarsfield army, were conferred on him, marched away. and had his life been spared, he Until he came to Cullen, where their ar­ tillery lay. would have had a field-marshal's The Lord cleared up the firmament; truncheon. He fought at Steen- the moon and stars shone bright; kirk in 1692, and on the 29th of And for the battle of the Boyne he had July, 1693, he died in his har­ revenge that night." ness at the great fight of Landen, in the Low Countries. The fol­ A WOUNDED TROOPER'S lowing rough quatrain devoted GRA TITUDE. to his memory is still lovingly re­ membered among the people :— THE reader having carefully read over the first siege of "Patrick Sarsfield, Ireland's wonder, Fought in the field like any thunder; Limerick in any honestly-written One of Ireland's best commanders. history, may relieve his mind He now lies food for the crows of from its terrors and horrors by Flanders." the following amusing incident, .The author of " Military Me­ told by the Rev. Mr. Story. moirs of the Irish Nation" thus " I cannot omit a pleasant remarks on his personal and adventure that fell out at the military qualities:— taking of the fort between a ' As a partisan, and for a de­ chaplain in the army and a sultory warfare, he possessed trooper. This chaplain happened admirable qualifications; brave, to go down after the fort (at St. patient, vigilant, rapid, and in­ John's gate) was taken, and defatigable ; ardent, adventur­ seeing a trooper mortally wound­ ous, and enterprising ; the fore­ ed in all appearance, he fancy'd most in encounter, the last in himself obliged to give him his retreat. He harassed his enemy best advice. The other was very by sudden, unexpected, and thankful to him for it, and while generally irresistible attacks, in­ they were about the matter spiring his troops with the same comes the Sally. Our horse ardour and contempt of danger came thundring down, at which with which his own soul was the clergyman making haste to animated. No general was ever get out of their way, he stumbled more beloved by his troops." and fell down. The wounded trooper seeing him fall, judged For Sarsfield's ever-memor­ he had been kill'd, and stept to able exploit of capturing the him immediately to strip him, great battering train at Bally- and in a trice had got his coat needy, and blowing it up, we off on one side. The other must refer the reader to ordi­ C iS MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. call'd to him to hold, and ask'd but proffer'd to bury him honour­ him what he meant. ' Sir,' (says ably, which they did, allowing the other) ' I beg your pardon, his own drum to beat the Dead for I believed you were kill'd, March before him, and them­ and there I thought myself selves fired three volleys at his obliged to take care of your grave, acknowledging at his clothes as well as you did of my death some former civilities from soul.'" him. . This officer was well and at liberty at nine o'clock RESPECT TO A SLAIN in the morning, but before twelve FOEMAN. he was not only in the power but buried by his enemies, and that BEFORE the concluding ope­ with great formality. And a rations at Athlone, Aughrim, and man that is at the pains of Limerick, sundry skirmishes and describing other people's actions attacks on petty fortresses oc­ maj' be allowed the liberty to curred. In one of these the leave one page to the memory of writer, who has left so minute a his own brother." record of what he witnessed, lost his brother. Cornet Story. GENERAL GINCKELES DIS- The sad event is worth record­ ORDERLY HOUSEHOLD. ing as giving evidence of that courtesy shown to each other by AMONG the WiUiamite chiefs the regular forces on each side, De Ginckell, afterwards Baron and sometimes where the Rap- Athlone, is noticeable for his parees were concerned. great capacity, moderation, and " June I, 1691, two Rapparee prudence. While proceeding Captains, Grace and Hogan, westwards to the capture of Ath­ with eighty men, surprise Cam- lone, he had much trouble with gart near Birr. Ensign his force, which was apparently Story, thinking to prevent the in a sadly demoralised condition. burning of it, goes thither with He insisted on the chaplain of all speed with a party of thirty every regiment reading prayers men. Being got too nigh before his men at ten in the the works, a woman carrying morning and seven in the even­ water to a cabbin made a sign ing, and particularly to exhort that the enemy was within, which them to renounce the crime of occasioned the ensign to stop, swearing. Stealing appears to at which they fired a volley upon have been a soldierly vice among him, killing himself and one of the men, but it was put out of his men. The party could not fashion for a time by the promo­ bring off the ensign's body, tion of a horse-stealer to the being so near the castle. gibbet. The subjoined order The other officer in Corolante issued by the General indicated sent back a drum for Ensign a rather low tone of morality Story's body, which the Irish among the rank and file. made some scruple to deliver. " No sutler, or other person MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 19 whatever, shall buy any ammu­ Ruth, but he gets no credit for nition, arms, or accoutrements, his military abilities. or any thing that belong to the The loss of the battle of soldiers on pain of death." The Aughrim may be attributed to reasons for this strict order were more than one cause. A por­ then given, namely that the men tion of the Irish defending a would sell their clothes or shoes pass applying for ammunition, for a trifling sum, and if they bullets of too large a size for the were not looked after as care­ calibre of their pieces were sup­ fully as children, they would soon plied, and the enemy passed be in a wretched condition. before them unmolested. Lut­ trell had received orders to con­ duct a detachment of the rear HOW AUGHRIM WAS LOST. line of the Irish to the right of the ground, but through mis­ TOWARDS the middle of last understanding or treachery he century, a certain Richard Ash­ marched off the front line and ton wrote the rhymed tragedy of left an opening to the enemy. " The Battle of Aughrim," and, Sarsfield was stationed with a as peasant authorities maintain, reserve at the back of the hill had it acted once. But the tra­ without being made acquainted dition goes that the Jacobite with St. Ruth's general plan, and Williamite gentlemen in the and remained ignorant of that pit were so excited by the mimic commander's death for a time warfare on the stage that they sufficient for the introduction of drew their swords and attacked such disorder as he found out of each other. The amount of lost his power to repair. Whoever lives is not stated, but as was wishes for the details of one of right and natural, the Govern­ the best contested fights on one ment of the day forbade any side and the other, which have other representation. Although occurred in modern times, may the author's feelings were de­ profitably study O'Callaghan's cidedly on the side of De Green Book, or " The Fortunes Ginckell and his men, there was of Colonel Torloch O'Brien," by such goodwill shown to Sars­ Mr. Le Fanu. field,—and his loyalty, courage, and humanity were so well ST. RUTH'S BULLET. brought out, that the printed piece has continued a popular IN the Green Book is pre­ folks-book among the Irish po­ served a tradition of what in­ pulace for upwards of a century, directly led to the death of the and may still be obtained on French commander. This is the Dublin standings in yellowpaper substance. cover at threepence. The day before the fight, a In the drama the fall of Ath­ neighbouring gentleman, O'Kel- lone is fairly attributed to the ly by name, applied to St. Ruth vain glory and negligence of St. for payment of a flock of his C 2 20 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. sheep, which had been driven the neighbourhood had quitted off, and eaten by the soldiers. their homes when the battle was The General expostulated with impending, and remained away him on the unreasonableness for some time after it. The En­ of the demand, representing glish survivors looked to the that the men had come there to interment of their own people peril their lives for him and his only, and the dead bodies of the party. "Well," said O'Kelly's Irish lay singly and in heaps all herd, who was standing by," ask through the fields. We close him for the skins anyhow." The our war quotations from Story request was made and sternly with an affecting incident of the refused, St. Ruth representing fidelity of man's most faithful the need in which the soldiers dumb friend. stood of beds and bedding. On " Many dogges frequented the some further persistence on the place long afterwards, and be­ part of the injured man, he and came so fierce by feeding upon his herd were ordered off, but man's flesh, that it became dan­ not till the master told the man gerous for any single man to in Irish to mark well the appear­ pass that way. And there is a ance of the General. They re­ true and remarkable story of a paired without delay to the En­ greyhound (probably, wolf­ glish commander, who recom­ hound) belonging to an Irish mended them to the care and officer. The gentleman was notice of Trench his gunner. killed and stripped in the battle, During the fight next day, and whose body the dog remained when the pass was forced owing by, night and day. And though to the want of suitable bullets he fed upon other corps with the by the little garrison. Trench set rest of the dogs, yet he would his piece on the edge of the never allow them nor anything morass in face of the hill, and else to touch that of his master. just as St. Ruth appeared ready When all the corps were con­ for a downward charge on the sumed the dogs departed, but enemy, the herd cried out, this used to go in the night to " There he is, the French gene­ the adjacent villages for food, ral dressed out like a bandman." and presently to return to the One wheel of the carriage being place where his master's bones lower than the other the skilful were only then left. And thus he gunner put one of his boots continued till January following, under it, adjusted the range, and when one of Colonel Foulks's a few seconds later St. Ruth's soldiers being quartered nigh lifeless body was stretched along hand, and going that way by the hill side, and Aughrim was chance, the dog fearing that he lost. came there to disturb his mas­ ter's bones, flew upon the sol­ dier, who, being surprised at THE DOG OF AUGHRIM. the suddenness of the thing, unslung his piece there upon MOST of the inhabitants of MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES, 21 his back, and killed the poor and Irish Protestants against dog." James and his Lord Deputy, the innate virtue was little indebted to poetic excellence or refined SIR TEAGUE O'REGAN feeling. The verses are sup­ ONCE MORE, posed to be addressed by one bog-trotter to another. ON the 13th of September of this year, 1691, we find Sir " IIo, brother Teague, dost hear de de­ cree. Teague in difficulties again. He Lillibullero buUen a la, is invested in the fortress of Dat we shall have a new Debitee ? Sligo, six hundred men under Lillibullero bullen a la. Lero, lero, lero, lero, lillibullero, bullen his command, and twelve days' a la. provisions in the store-room. Lero, lero, lero, lero, lillibullero, bullen The town and part of the fort­ a la. ress is in possession of the ene­ Ho, be me shoul, it is a Talbot; my, and Lord Granard prepared Lillibullero, &c. And he will cut all de English treat, to tumble his defences about his Lillibullero, &c. ears, or starve himself and his Dough, be me shoul, de English do garrison. But the peppery old prate, knight was high in the estima­ De law's on deir side, and d knows tion of his foemen, and honour­ what. {Satne chorus.) able terms were proposed for But if dispense do come from de Pope, his acceptance. He conde­ We'll hang Magno Carte and demselves scended to approve them, and in a rope. once more his white-plumed hat, An' de good Lord Talbot is made a Lord, flowing wig, red cloak, and muff An' he wid brave lads is comin' aboard. were seen emerging from his Who all in France have taken a swear, stronghold at the head of his Dat dey will have no Prodestin heir. men, who were in much better But, oh, why does he stay behind 1 condition than those erewhile Ho, be me shoul, 'tis a Prodestin wind. shut up with him in Charlemont. Now Tyrconnel is come ashore. He received a respectful and And we vill have commissions galore. friendly greeting from Lord An' he dat vill not go to Mass, Granard and his officers, and Shall turn out, and look like an ass. leisurely proceeded to Limerick at the head of his loyalists, But now de heretics all go down. Saint Patrick will make de nation our having no dread of hunger on own. the way, for they were allowed Dere vas an oiJd prophecyfound in a bog, to take their stock of provisions Dat Ireland be ruled by an ass an' a dog. with tiiem. So now dis ould prophecy's just come to pass, Lillibullero, bullen a la. For Talbot's de dog, and Tyrconnel's LILLIBULLERO, de ass, Lillibullero, bullen a la. IF this doggrel, said to be Lero, lero, lero, lero, lillibullero, bullen a la ; composed by Lord Wharton, Lero, lero, lero, lero, lillibullero, bullen had power to exasperate English a la." 22 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. robbed and beaten you when REDMOND CHANLON AND I was asleep, for I remember THE PEDLAR. nothing of it. Which way did I go after punishing you ? "—" Ah! THIS renowned outlaw, the sir, I see, the vagabond took terror and delight of the North, your name in vain. He is gone was a gentleman by birth. down that road." Though the beginning of his The rogue was soon overtaken reign coincided with the termi­ by Redmond's men, and con­ nation of Cromwell's wars, he fronted with his victim. " 111 could not allege his loyalty as teach you," said Redmond, aftei* an excuse for despoiling the the property was returned to its Sassenach enemy, for he got one owner, "to avoid personating trial at least to test his good me another time." He bound behaviour, and was not able to the pedlar over to prosecute at live quietly till his time of pro­ the next assizes, and then sent bation expired. He was as po­ the offender in the custody of pular as any highway robber the maltreated man and three of could be. He was averse to blood-shedding, would relieve his own followers, to be deli­ distressed people, and kindly vered up to the gaoler of Ar­ treat any single soldier that fell magh, intrusting the subjoined in his way. He levied black mittimus to the party:— mail like any highland chief, half-a-crown per annum being " By Redmond O'Hanlon, in the ordinary tariff, and his writ­ loco one of his Majesty's justices ten protection exempted his te­ of the peace for the county of nants from all harm at the hand Armagh :— of robber or thief for a twelve­ " I herewith send you the month. The mortifications he body of , who was this day inflicted on his would-be captors, brought before me, and exa­ and his hair-breadth escapes, mined for robbing Mr. on almost exceed belief the king's high-road, requiring The travelling pedlars sup­ of you to hold him in safe cus­ plied O'Hanlon with a fair pro­ tody till the next general assizes portion of his yearly revenue. to be held for the said county ; As he was taking the air one and for your so doing, this day, he found one of this body shall be your sufficient warrant. not personally known to him, Given under my hand this ist crying bitterly. " What's the day of March, 1675. matter, my good man?"—" Ahl " REDMOND O'HANLON. that terrible Redmond Hanlon has taken my box and five "To , Gaoler of Armagh." pounds, all my worldly property, What a source of grim merri­ and gave me a beating besides." ment must not the judge and —"Well, I happen to be Red­ lawyers have found in the peru­ mond Hanlon; but I must hUlster" by Mr. Prender- was anything very striking in gast.) their appearance. When a bereaved farmer or gentleman found it out of the CHARLEY OF THE HORSES. question to get on the traces of his lost cattle, he repaired per­ THIS worthy, called by his sonally or by deputy to Charley countrymen Cahir na Goppal Dempsey, gave needful informa­ (correctly G-capull), might be tion, paid his inquiry fee, and called a merchant prince among departed. On consulting the the tribe of cattle-lifters. Glen- books the latest known habitat malier, near Ballybrittas, in the of the animals was discovered, Queen's Co., had the disgrace hints given to correspondents of seeing him come to the world that the presence of such or and arrive at manhood. Some such animals, at present graz­ of our readers must recollect ing in such and such pas­ About's " King of the Moun­ tures, would be desirable on tains," his extensive correspond­ such a night at a convenient ence, his connection with Lon­ place then named ; the discon­ don banks, and all the ramifica­ solate owner would be told to tions of a widely-diffused busi­ look in on a certain corner of a ness-concern, the source and common, or a sandy nook by foundation of all being the the side of a large river at the money taken from travellers by same time, and the commercial Greek brigands, or paid to them transaction was closed. In cases as ransom for rich captives. where search was unavailing Cahir directed the concern, his half of the fee was returned. brother was chief accountant, This system, though more and their domain included all troublesome and less profitable Leinster, great part of Ulster, than burglary or highway rob­ and portions of the other two bery, was less dangerous. So provinces. The mode of con­ though Cahir was more than ducting the business may be once before " Their Honours " thus illustrated. A certain setter he as often escaped. Damning gave Charley information of such evidence on the part of his em­ and such cattle being in such ployes was difficult to be fur­ a pasture, or housed at night in nished, such was the division of an easily accessible stable. labour in the complicated system, Charley sent information of the and so little did the confederates fact to another retriever, and he know of each other. having conducted the cattle to an appointed spot, was relieved 26 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. During the trial, which came HOW CAHIR NA GOPPAL off next day, sufficient evidence HELPED A BROTHER was given to hang Mr. William CONVEYANCER, Peters a dozen times, but when all hope seemed lost, and the MR. WILLIAM PETERS, one judge was preparing to charge, of Charley's contemporaries, and the prisoner's father innocently a professor in the same line, but asked the prosecutor by what by no means so highly gifted, marks was his beast distin­ was lying in irons in Carlow for guished, and whether it was a appropriating a certain sorrel horse or a mare. He at once horse with a bald face and one mentioned the disposition of the white foot. The prisoner's father coloured spots, and the gender of sent word to Charley of his son's the animal. " My lord judge," accident, and requested his good said the questioner, "will it offices towards his liberation. please you to allow the beast to Cahir, getting an accurate de­ be brought into court, and give scription of the appearance of his evidence?" Leave was given the horse, had a diligent search of course, and the spots and made till a mare having the colours found to correspond same colour-marks was dis­ with the owner's statement, but covered. A trusty agent con­ alas, to his great surprise veyed her into Carlow, where and annoyance, his beast, in­ the stolen and recovered horse stead of being a horse, was at was now kept to be produced at once recognised as a horse's the approaching trial if needful. mother ! Mr. Peters escaped The mare's guardian made ac­ the gallows on that occasion. quaintance with the ostler who Charles Dempsey, the great had charge of the horse, and, equine financier, also escaped watching his opportunity when the cord for a long period, but he was returning from watering the most skilfully constructed the animal, he invited him into system, if founded on fraud, the tavern where he was staying, must go to pieces sometime. to have a drink. What denizen He was finally led to the gibbet, of a stable could say nay to such but being totally ignorant of a bidding ? He tied the beast Christian faith or hope, and un­ to a staple, entered the house, versed in its practices, he died and did not leave it in full pos­ like a soulless brute. During session of his senses. Mean­ the death march, he gave audi­ while a confederate of Charley's ence to sundry parties who agent putting the horse's capari­ sought information concerning son on the mare, left her there in lost cattle. To some he gave his stead, and mounting on his useful informations, to others he back, was soon several miles would not deign an answer. from Carlow, and the bemused Who can, without a shudder, ostler remained unconscious of fancy the awaking of hig spirit any change. in the world of souls ? MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 27 come up, shtopped de gap I MANUS THE GOLD-FINDER. made, and meself and me com­ rade went down into it afther MANUS'S sheepish, unintel- dark, lighted our candle, and lectual, innocent-looking face prized up one o' de leds wud de would have deceived even a crow, and what was inside but criminal lawyer. He had begun piles o' such little bars as dat, life as a mason's apprentice, but lying atop of one anoder. In found the atelier of a coiner of anoder chest dere was chalices, base money more attractive. crosses, rings, an' precious Having procured by some means shtones. To make a long shtory a small ingot of pure gold, and short, me comrade an' meself changed his residence from one removed de whole o' de trea­ town in the county of Kildare to sures to a safe place, where no­ another, he conned over the fol­ body will never find dem, an' lowing romance in his mind, I'm sure I dunnow what to do. and then began to communicate I'm afeard o' de lord o' de manor, it, under conditions of secrecy, dat he'd take away every moder's to various individuals. He told son o' de fruits of our hard his story with such an air of labour, an if I take any ting to truth, that his confidants began de 'grate jeweller in Dublin, to feel a strong desire to become he'll maybe take me up, and sharer in his precious find. We have me tried fwhor stalen. If present an outline of his narra­ I could only get some dacent tive. man like yourself or some good " Last Easter, fwhen I was naybour to give me some ready working wid a masoner, he set money for a parcel o' dem bars, meself an' another boy to make I'd be shut o' de boder o' dem, a pair of piers fwhor a gate there and you or he would become as below at New Abbey. I was rich as jews, for you'd get near looken out fwhor some good de walley o' dem, which a poor shtones, and sure enough I fellow like me wouldn't." found them fiUen' up an owld The first victim to the artless doorway. I loosened a few of tale was an innkeeper who came 'em wud me crow-bar, an' fwhot from some distance, and agreed to should I see but shteps laden give Manus forty pounds, which down to a want. I went down he had scraped together, for the fwhor curosity's sake, and there full of his valise of such ingots wor a parcel of chests ranged as Manus had shown him. The round, an' what would any one innocent finder was wise enough tink they wor houlden but de to explain to his customer, bones of de great people long "You see if I sell dese fwor ago. I touched one of 'em wud goold, de lord o' de manor will me crow, and what was it but be down on me some day. So iron, an sez I to meself, 'It remember I sell em to you for can't be any harm to look in­ shtones."—" Oh, very well, I'll side.' But it wor so dark. I not discover on you." 28 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. Manus led his man in the bourhood have a tradition con­ middle of the night into a field, cerning two old castles that blindfolded him, and bade him stand nigh half a mile from this not attempt to look after him. place, and not above a stone's He took the valise into a corner cast one from the other. They of the field, and filled it with say that in former times two small stones. He then locked Brehons or Irish judges lived in the article, delivered it to his these two castles, who happened customer, and exhorted him to to have at last some disputes get home with as little delay as about their properties ; and their he could. "I'll keep de kay," wives, though they were sisters, said he, " but I'll be wid you in used to stand upon the battle­ tree days at de fardest, an' if ments of their own houses and you brake open de portmantle scold at one another for several between dis an' dat, you'll be hours together, which at length sorry for it only once, but dat one of them being weary of, she will be all de days o' your life. found out a trick only to appear Dere's a charm on all dem tings and begin the fray. Then she laid up be de Danes, or some would place an image that she oder o' de grate ould anncient dressed up in her own clothes families." in such a position that her sister The poor dupe waited three could not discern it from herself days, and three more to the at that distance, who, not sensi­ back of them, but his patience ble of the cheat, she used to being then worn to a film, he scold on, and at last fretted her­ cut open the valise, and found self to death because she could out the extent of his folly. not be answered in her own If Manus was not able to language. But I'm afraid the keep always on the outside of women in this country will the prison, he was never pro­ scarce pardon this story," moted to the gibbet. The la­ mented writer, Gerald Griffin, introduced him under the name DOUGHTY JOHN DUNTON Maney into his interesting IN DUBLIN. Munster story of Suit Dubh. JOHN DUNTON was a London citizen, who enjoyed as much THE SCOLDING SISTERS. credit and renown in the last years of the seventeenth century WHEN pleasantly employed as John Gilpin a century later. making extracts from the gos­ Those readers of ours who have siping chaplain, we happened to read his " Errors" are aware overlook a legend connected that he was a bustling, enter­ with Cariganles (Cahirconlish ?), prising, and intelligent book­ but it will not be much out of seller. Coming to Ireland to place here. extend his trade, and cudgel a "The people of this neigh­ literary taste into the heads of MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 29 the "Wild Irish," he returned that unhappy land, and invari­ rather in bad humour with the ably all night long. Ireland is natives and their climate. In the watering-pot of the planets. his long-winded narrative, how­ The heavens in that country ever, he praises Messrs. Brent had sore eyes, and they were and Povvel, booksellers, and es­ always weeping, dropping tears pecially that man deep in the perpetually. But there is one noble art and mystery of print­ good thing in Ireland—the wind. ing, John Brocas, of Skinners' That is generally westerly, which Row (now Christchurch Place). insures a short passage from it. Mr. Norman, who enjoyed his The towns and cities are thronged flower-garden when not selling like hives, yet being for the most his books by auction, and his part thieves and drones, they thrifty wife also, obtained Mr. rather diminish than increase Dunton's approval. Messrs. the stock, and were it not for Crook and Thornton, the latter the honest English and strangers being the king's stationer, came among them, they'd be all in for their share of commenda­ starved, I'm persuaded, in pro­ tion, but all their merits did not cess of time." suffice to counterbalance the Even our women, who gene­ annoyance inflicted on him, rally get a good word from vi­ John Dunton, citizen of London, sitors, as far as comparative by the selfish proceedings of good conduct goes, had the mis­ Pat Campbell, who, little awed fortune to displease John. He by his foreign prestige, set up a set prominently before his read­ rival auction-room in opposition ers a billet-doux sent to him by to that opened by the literary- the wife of a Dublin citizen, mission man. He aired his thus practising on his virtue, grievance in a pamphlet of 554 which, like a second Joseph, he pages of closely-printed matter, preserved. For he declared, on in which he called on gods, men, the honour of a bookseller, that and pigeons-to hold Pat Cambel he was a religious man as well in contempt, and work him all as a shopkeeper. the woe in their power. Dr. R. N ow, with respect to his very R. Madden, in his " History of prejudiced opinion of the Irish Irish Periodical Literature, thus ladies. Had he asserted that bewails the obloquy brought on their limbs were not all formed the country by the selfishness in the mould in which those of >f Pat the auctioneer. the Medicean Venus were fash­ " Dunton, though he could not ioned, we might perhaps have ivreak his vengeance on the head kept our temper ; but he speaks of Pat Campbell the bookseller, of our darling women, bodies revenged himself a good deal on and souls, in such terms as to the soil, the sky, and the people exclude his memory from any­ of Ireland. As for the rain, thing resembling an Irish John Dunton verily believed blessing. that " it raineth every day in 30 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. weak-headed and soft-hearted 7HE GREAI JOHN WHAL- Protestants to shelter or tolerate LEY, Doctor of something or them. Therefore let every priest other. ordained in the country, along with him who ordained him, and THIS individual, who made every foreign-ordained priest considerable noise in his day by coming to the country, be first announcing to the Irish and treated as the Grand Turk treats English publics the latest news the guardians of his many wives, from Mars and the other wan­ and then banished for life. derers through space, happened " Another great evil is the to make his first public appear­ printing and publishingof popish ance in the pillory in 1688. Na­ books, James Malone of High turally disliking the king in Street in the city of Dublin, whose reign he attracted such printer, being a special offender undesirable notice, he, to the in this line. The said Malone, end of his life, spoke and did with malice prepense, continu­ all the evil in his power to the ally issues such pestilent popish co-religionists and well-wishers works as ' Valentine and Orson,' of James. His profession was ' The Seven Wise Masters,' that of astrologist and almanack- ' The Seven Champions of maker, and in that capacity he Christendom,' and other like fa­ foretold the downfall of the Pa­ bulous stories. Now, while these pacy in or about the year 1735, are allowed to be published and but unfortunately died in 1729, read, books of a sound Protest­ and so was not gratified by the ant character will get no circu­ accomplishment of his prophecy. lation among the people. Had the Government obeyed " Therefore be it enacted that the injunctions of Wh alley and the books specified, to wit, ' Va­ a few intolerant worthies of his lentine and Orson,' ' The Seven stamp, a Roman Catholic would Wise Masters,' ' The Seven not be found in the empire in Champions of Christendom,' and 1740 in a condition to pay fune­ all of that class, be burned by ral honours to his fellow-believer the hangman, and every popish who had last expired. Here are printer and bookseller banished a few items of the treatment beyond sea. which the Government, accord­ " Be it further enacted, that ing to Whalley, should afford to every papist, that in time to the different classes of malignant come shall teach school, or prac­ papists. tise as a physitian, chirurgeon, Imprimis. There was no be­ or solicitor, in this kingdom be, nefit to be got by imprisoning for the first offence, fined ; for priests or schoolmasters, for the second, fined and impri­ they would not rest till they had soned ; and for the third, ba­ perverted gaolers, prisoners, and nished the kingdom," Bravo, visitors. If left in the country WhaUey 1 at all, there would be plenty of MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 3-1 a smart fellow. And who is your THE FIRST MEETING OF own father, my lad?"—" If your DEAN SWIFT AND HIS Reverence will only mind the MAN. boneens, here's the switch. 111 go in and ax my mother." Away DR. JONATHAN SWIFT was went the Dean without exchang­ born in Hoey's Court, off the Cas­ ing another word. tle Steps, A.D. 1667, and died in the DeaneryHouse,KevinStreet, 19th October, 1745, his latter years being spent in a state of DEAN SWIFT GIVES A LES­ imbecility. Whether from mo­ SON IN POLITENESS, AND tives of patriotism or dislike to GETS HIS REWARD. the Ministry, he sturdily con­ tended for public measures con­ SOME days after, the Dean ducive to the advancement of was in his study reading, when the trade and general well-being the door was pushed open, and of his country. He even ren­ the same young fellow came in, dered himself obnoxious to legal dragging a fine salmon by the punishment by his plain-speak­ gills, and without saying " by ing and fault-finding with things your leave," or "with your as they were. In consequence leave," he walks over, and flops his memory is held in great it across the Dean's knees, and veneration by the middle and says, " There's a fine salmon my lower classes in Ireland, who father sent you."—"Oh, I'm have long fathered on him sun­ very much obliged, I'm sure ; dry witty sayings and eccentric but I'd be more obliged if you actions, the rightful property of had just shown better manners." wits and eccentrics both before —"Well, I wish I knew how."— and after his day. In popular " Sit down here, and I'll show tradition his servant man gets you how to behave." He took greater credit for wit and clever­ the fish in his hand, and went ness than he himself This was outside, and shut the door. Then the way in which they first be­ he tapped, and heard the young came acquainted.* fellow cry out with aloud voice, As the Dean was one day " Come in ;" and what should riding along the road, he saw an he see but the young monkey intelligent but badly clad boy with his own spectacles on his minding a brood of young pigs nose, and he pretending to read and their dam. "Who owns that a book. " Oh, the young vaga- fine family of young pigs ? " said bone !" says the Dean, but he the Dean.—"Their mother does," didn't let on. — "Please your answered the youth.—" Oh ho !" Reverence," says he, with a bow, said the Dean to himself, "here's " my father will be much obliged by your acceptance of this sal­ * The four narratives next ensuing are mon, which he has just taken." given in the idiom in which the writer first heard them. —" Your father is a respectable MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. man," says the urchin, taking off an' don't you know, sir, that is the spectacles, " and I'm sure the Great Dane Swift ? Did you're a good boy ; here's half- you never see him before?"— a-crown for you. Take the fish " No, indeed ; but I often hear down to the kitchen, and tell tell of him. And, pray, where the cook she's to give you your are you going?"—"To heaven dinner." He then sprung up, straight."—" Well, I think you're took a pull at his hair, and re­ astray."—" Not a bit astray or lieved the Dean of the fish. You mistaken, sir. My master's may be sure the master laughed praying, and I'm fasting." The on the wrong side of his mouth. boy didn't speak so low but that the Dean might hear him. He did hear him, and the next inn DEAN SWIFT AND HIS they passed, he ordered a good MAN AT THEIR DEVO­ breakfast for both. TIONS.

As tricky as the young fellow TRUE TO THE DEATH. was, the Dean found he was honest and dependable ; so he THE Dean, out of his love to took him into his service. Once, Ireland, wrote some bitter things when they were setting out on a again' Government,—so bitter journey, the Dean saw that his indeed that he could be tried for boots were not polished, and he his life for them. But no one spoke of it. "Oh!" says the was in the secret but his man, servant, "what 'ud be the use of who used to carry the writing to polishing? They would be as the printer. The servant was spattered as ever before night." pretty sober, but once he came —" Oh, very well." They were home drunk in the evening, and after riding seven or eight miles, next morning the Dean gave and were passing a house of en­ him his walking paper. " Ah, tertainment, " Master," says the masther honey," says he, " don't boy, " don't you think it time to send me away. I may fall into get breakfast?"—"Ach, what great misery, and the divel use would it be ? We'd be as tempt me to inform on you." hungry as ever before sunset." " I'll run that risk," says the There the boy was circumvented Dean : " away with you." The any way. He said nothing, but Dean was as proud as Lucifer in kept riding after his master dis­ somethings. A couple of months mal enough. The Dean, to vex after, the poor fellow crossed him him the more, took out a book, as he was going out, and he all and began to read, jogging on in rags, and famine in every easy. By-and-by, a gentleman line of his poor face. He asked met them. He touched his hat for pardon, or anyhow for some­ to the Dean, and when he came thing to keep body and soul to­ near the boy, asked him the gether, but not a farthing would name of the clergyman. "Musha, he give him. Well, what will MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 33 you have of it ? the poor crea­ of your heart, or the Face of ture held the secret, though he God you'll never see." " Well was ready to perish, and might now, that's a hard case, but any­ get a big reward for informing. thing is better nor to be shut Still his master didn't lose sight out of heaven. Maybe if he was of him, and when the danger sent for, and we were speaking was all past, he took him back, face to face, I might make up and never parted with him again. my mind to pardon him." The When he died his master got priest was sent for, and the him buried next the wall in minister staid outside to give Patrick's church, giving direc­ himself and the Dean time tions for his own body to be laid enough to be reconciled. They just outside. (There is a germ took a long time to it, and at of truth in this tradition,) last the clergyman pushed in the door, and what did he find the priest at, but anointing the dying man. " Oh you impostor !" THE DEAN'S DEATH, says he, shaking his fist at the THERE was formerly a pretty Dean, " if ever you rise out of general belief that the last years that bed, I'll have your gown of Dr. Swift's life were spent in stripped off your back." " In­ the asylum founded by himself deed," says the poor Dean, " if off Bow Lane, W. Such how­ ever I recover, ill have you pro­ ever was not the case. During secuted for bringing in a popish these years he was tenderly priest to a patient not over strong cared for in the Deanery-house in his mind." off Kevin Street. N either theory This closes the mere tradi­ was comfortable enough for the tional stock of anecdotes con­ audiences round country hearths nected with the memory of Dr. on winter nights. These were Jonathan Swift. the circumstances preceding his departure as known to them. A minister visited him on his DR. SWIFT AND THE death bed to pray with him, and SHOEMAKER. give him the rites of his church, if Prodestin s have any. When THE Dean was most punctual the ceremony was over he asked in keeping his engagements, and him if he was in peace with all expected the people with whom mankind. He said he was, ex­ he had business to be equally cept Father So AND SO of Dirty punctual with him. A shoe­ Lane (Bridge Foot Street) Cha­ maker, who should have been pel. " He do7ie such things to well aware of this peculiarity of me," said he, " that I cannot his patron, once brought him forgive him. " Oh be this and home a new pair of shoes in the be that!" says the minister, evening, but just twenty-four " that won't do. You must for­ hours later than the time he had give every one from the bottom fixed on himself. Dr. Swift was 34 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. as averse to change his trades­ How tired you must have felt, men or followers as Napoleon L, and all through my forgetfulness but he would occasionally give for a night. Why, if I had for­ a sharp practical reproof The got you for a day as well as a shoes were all that could be de­ night, as you did me, I think sired, and he gave them deserved we'd have to bring the coroner. praise. Having handed him the Won't this be a warning to you, price of his labour, he asked to be punctual in keeping exactly him why he had delayed the job to your promise ! " The Dean a day beyond the time promised. was too generous in many ways, He answered somewhat care­ and too good a customer to be lessly, " Oh, your Reverence, it affronted by the man of leather, was not much, only a day." It who slunk off, shamefaced being a fine summer evening enough. and the large window leading to the garden open, the Doctor in­ vited the tradesman to look at his flowers and fruit. After a THE DEAN'S CHARITABLE turn or two round the garden, DISPOSITION. he mentioned that he should go MUCH as the lamented Mr. in for a while, requesting his Thackeray satirised Irish men visitor to stay till he would re­ and Irish things in his " Irish turn. Accordingly he made Sketch Book," he never was ap­ another tour, explored all the pealed to in vain by a wretched regions of the inclosure, and be­ or quasi-wretched object during gan to wonder why his patron his tour. It is very probable was not coming. He approached that Dr. Swift, as bitter as his pen the glazed door, but found it and tongue were, and stern as he secured within. Still he was un­ could be to faults or neghgence, willing to call out for relief He was as tender-hearted as the made another tour, and another, author of " Vanity Fair." One and several in succession, and at day, looking out at window, he last ventured to cry out for li­ saw a distressed-looking creature berty. No liberator came, and handing a paper to a servant twilight was succeeded by dark­ (not the individual already men­ ness, and the poor man found tioned). John Thomas, contemp­ all his philosophy insufficient to tuously looking over it, threw it relieve him of a nearly insup­ back with the remark that his portable weariness which he was master and himself had some­ forced to endure till morning. thing better to do than examin­ At last, when nature was on the ing every dirty scrap of paper point of giving way, the stern brought to the house. The but welcome face of the Dean Doctor, hearing his observation, was seen through the window, threw up the window, and told which was then soon opened. him to bring the woman into the " Oh," cried the inflexible host, hall. Finding that her case was " have yoi: been here all night ? one of unmerited distress, he MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 35 placed her among his weekly pensioners, and not only read a DISCIPLINE IN THE sharp lecture to the dog in office, DEANERY. but dismissed him on the spot. DR. SWIFT'S housekeeper ruled the very few female ser­ vants in his household. The DR. SWIFT'S CHARITy only individual directions which SERMON. ever came from himself were, to THE Dean once preached a close the door on entering his charity sermon in St. Patrick's study, or whatever room he Cathedral, but had the morti­ might occupy for the time, and not forget to close it after her fication to hear it spoken of as when leaving it. One day the much too long. " I shall not fall housemaid asked leave to be into that error," thought he, present at her sister's wedding, "when I get another opportu­ and he gave it without hesita­ nity." The opportunity came, and tion, and moreover told her that he thus improved it. "Dear­ he would allow Robert to take ly beloved brethren," he began, her behind him on the pillion, " I am instructed by my text and bring her back. In her joy that he who giveth to the poor she forgot to shut the door, and lendeth to the Lord." This he many minutes had not elapsed repeated in an emphatic tone, till she and her fellow servant and proceeded. " Now beloved were pleasantly jogging on to brethren, if you like the terms, Bray, where the solemnity was and approve the security, down to be held. As they were get­ with the dust!" He descended ting out of Black Rock, they from the pulpit, and had the heard a call from a familiar satisfaction to find that his pithy voice mingled with the clattering oration was followed by a very noise of a horse's iron shoes on liberal collection. the stones. " Well, what is the matter ? " " The master wants vou back in all haste, Kitty." A TAX ON THE IRISH AT­ "Ah, what for!" "How do MOSPHERE DREADED. I know? Do you thiink he'd tell ? " " Oh, musha, musha, LADY CARTERET, wife of the wouldn't it be better if he didn't Lord Lieutenant, was once prais­ give me leave at all !" " Oh, ing with great unction the at­ faith, you may ask that of him­ mosphere and climate of Ireland. self. There is only the one " Oh, for goodness sake, madam," thing to be done." It was a hard he exclaimed in the most pa­ case for poor Kitty, but she was thetic style at his command, in the grip of stern necessity. " do not mention it in the pre­ The horses' heads were turned, sence of any memb&rs of the the discourse was of a dismal Government. If you do, they and disjointed character, and will certainly tax it." D 2 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. every mile seemed ten till they the shortcomings of the clergy reached Upper Kevin Street. his theme. " 1 would wager," When the poor girl was lifted said he, " that if the devil died down from her ill-starred emi­ to-morrow, a clergyman would nence, she took long strides till be found to preach his funeral she was inside the master's oration." " You are right," said study, the door of which was the dignitary. " I would do it as she had left it. " Sir," said myself, and give the devil his she, striving to catch her breath, due, as I gave it to his children " what do you want me for ?" this morning." " Merely to close the door." The On another occasion an attor­ master, thinking the punishment ney took great liberties with the already inflicted sufficient, then clergymen of the day. " Doc­ graciously allowed her to take tor," said he to the Dean, " sup­ her seat on the pillion again, pose that the parsons and the and resume her interrupted ex­ devil went to law, which, in your cursion to the pleasant gather­ opinion, would win the cause?" ing. " The devil would," answered the Doctor, " for all the lawyers would be on his side." THE DEAN'S CULINARY SKILL. LOST LABOUR. ONE day, a shoulder of mut­ ton, rather overdone, was laid A DUBLIN lady who stood in on the table. The cook was great awe of the unmanageable sent for. " Take down that man, once took a world of meat and get it rather under­ trouble to provide a variety of done." " Oh, please your Reve­ dishes, and have all cooked with rence, that I could not do." great skill for an entertainment " And if you had sent it under­ which she was to give in his done, could you bring it to the pro- honour. But from the first bit per point afterwards." " Surely that was tasted, she did not I could, your Reverence." " Let cease to undervalue the courses, me never see an overdone joint and to beg indulgence for at the table again. If you must the shortcomings of the cook. commit a fault, let it be one " Hang it! " said he, after the which can be amended." annoyance had gone on a little, " if everything is as bad as you say, I'll go home and get a SWIFT AMONG THE herring dressed for myself" LA WYERS. IN an assize sermon the Doc­ DR. SWIFTS EPILOGUE TO tor handled the gentlemen of A CHARITY PLAY. the long robe rather roughly. At the dinner which followed, a HOWEVER the Dean might smart young counsellor made give offence to captains or sen- MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 37 sitive lords and ladies, there was In blue shalloon shall Hannibal be clad, And Scipio trail an Irish purple plaid. but one feeling, and that a warm In drugget dressed, of thirteen pence a and grateful one, towards him yard, See Philip's son amid his Persian guard, among the citizens and the poor And proud Roxana, fired with jealous of Dublin. He was genuinely rage, charitable, had not a scrap of With fifty yards of crape shall sweep the stage. Pharisee-flesh or blood about * » * * him, and after a day spent in Oh ! could I see this audience clad in tracing out misery and relieving stuff. Though money's scarce, we should have it, he would employ his night- trade enough; gown-and-slipper hours in writ­ But chintz, brocades, and lace'take all ing an epilogue for one of the away. And scarce a crown is left to see the bombastic tragedies about to be play." acted for the benefit of the poor weavers of the LIBERTY. PLEARACA NA RUARC ACH. ** Who dares affirm this is no pious age, When Charity begins to tread the stage; MR. GORE, a hospitable When actors, who at least are hardly savers. gentleman in Leitrim, once car­ Afford to give a benefit to weavers ? ried off the Dean to his country Stay, let me see, how finely will it sound— house, and entertained him Impriijiis, from His Grace* a hundred nobly, sparing neither beef, mut­ pounds! ton, whiskey, music, poetry, Peers, clergy, gentry, all are benefactors. And then comes in the item of the actors. dancing, nor good-nature. Hear­ Iter7t, the actors freely give a day. ing the melody above-named The poet had no more who made the sung (the meaning being " The p'^y- . , . . But whence this wondrous chanty in Feast of O'Rourke "), he got the players ? author, a Mr. Maguaran, to give They learn it not at sermons nor at prayers. him a literal translation ; and at ' Under the rose,' since here are none his leisure he put it in English but friends, verse. It presents a picture of To own the truth, we have some private ends. what our ancient hospitality Since waiting women, like exacting would degenerate to when not jades, Hold up the prices of their old brocades. kept in bounds by moderation We'll dress in manufactures made at and refined manners. home. Equip our kings and generals at the " O'Rourke's noble feast Cornb.\ Can ne'er be forgot We'll dress from Meath Street, Egypt's By those who were there. haughty queen, Or by those who were not And Anthony shall court her in rat- His revels to keep. theen.t We sup and we dine On seven score sheep, * Archbishop King, author of 'The Fat bullocks, and swme. Origin of Evil." t Cotnb, so spelled, to make it rhyme Usquebaugh to our feast with "home." It is ordinarily spelled In pails was brought up,— coomie (the root, cuniar, a hollow). The A hundred at least. street so called, situate near St. Patrick's And a meddlier* our cup. cathedral, is built on a filled hollow, through which the poddle once sparkled * A square wooden drinking-vessel, the and danced in the air and sunshine. best specimens being ornamented with X A species of narrow cloth. carving and hoops of the precious metals. 38 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. Come, harper, strike up ! A TEXT OF SCRIPTURE But first, by your favour. Boy, give us a cup. APPLIED WITH SUCCESS. Ah ! this hath some savour. O'Rourke's jolly boys WHEN the Duke of Ormond Ne'er dreamt of the matter. was sailing to Dublin to assume Till roused by the noise the state and duties of Lord Of the music and clatter. Lieutenant, a storm obliged the They bounce from their nest. No longer will tarry. captain to take refuge in the They rise ready dressed. Isle of Man. There His Excel­ Without one Ave-Mary, lency and suite were hospitably The fioor is all wet entertained by a clergyman With leaps and with jumps. While the water and sweat whose christian name was Splish-splash in their pumps. Joseph. Finding that his host Bring straw for our bed. enjoyed but a very limited in­ Shake it down to our feet. come, the Duke promised him Then over us spread The winnowing sheet. that when he could find time Good Lord, what a sight: and opportunity, he would settle After all their good cheer. him in a comfortable Irish glebe For people to fight house. The pastor waited a In the midst of their beer ! few months with as much pa­ They rise from their feast, And hot are their brains ;— tience as he could muster for A cubit at least the fulfilment of the great man's The length of their skeans. * promise, but at last, getting very What stabs and what cuts. tired and impatient, he crossed What clattering of sticks ! What cracking of ribs, to Ireland, and claimed the What bastings and kicks! Dean's hospitality. It was the With cudgels of oak, Doctor's turn to preach before Well hardened in flame, the vice-regal court on the fol­ A hundred heads broke, A hundred legs lame ! lowing Sunday, but he readily * You churl, I'll maintain allowed the Manxman to take 'Twas my father built Lusk, his place. Ormond seeing a The castle of Slane, new face in the pulpit, examined And Carrie Drumrusk. the features with some attention, ' The Earl of Kildare, And Moynalty his brother. and as soon as the voice of the As great as they are, preacher began to be heard, he I was nursed by their mother, t recognised his kind entertainer, ' Ask that woman there. and experienced some remorse She'll tell you who's who. As far up as Adam: for his own neglect. The She knows it is true.' " preacher gave out the text from Genesis xl., 23 :—" Yet did not * Correctly scians, long knives. the CHIEF BUTLER remember t Foster-mother to wit. In the old Joseph, but forgat him," and times in Ireland, no lady of rank thought of giving suck to her child or children. spoke so pointedly to the con­ The much-desired duty was discharged by science of the great man, that the wife of a rich farmer or grazier on the the Rev. Joseph was soon in chief's demesne, and the after-bonds which connected the young chief with his foster- possession of the warm glebe mother and her family were of the most house promised. loving and stringent character. MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES, 39 DR. SWIFT AND HIS not boast exemption Irom the weakness of vanity. He con­ PRINTER. tinued to be Swift's printer as GEORGE FAULKNER, one of long as his patron employed the most estimable Dublin one, but was careful to keep his citizens of last century, estab­ darling foible out of his sight lished "The Dublin Journal" in after receiving the following the year 1724, and though it fell practical rebuke in the com­ into bad hands in the end of mencement of their business that century and the beginning transactions :— of the present, it lived through " When George Faulkner, the the first quarter of it. George printer, returned from London was at first in company with a where he had been soliciting Mr. Hoey. "Dean Swift," we subscriptions for his edition of quote " The History of Irish the Dean's works, he went to Periodical Literature," by Dr. pay his respects to him, dressed R. R. Madden, "sent for the in a laced waistcoat, a bag wig, printer of ' The Dublin Journal,' and other fopperies. Swift re­ and was waited on by Mr. James ceived him with all the cere­ Hoey, whom the Dean asked if mony he would show to a per­ he was a printer. Mr. Hoey fect stranger. ' Pray, sir, what answered he was an apology for are your commands with me ?' one. The Dean, piqued at the ' I thought it my duty to wait on freedom of this answer, asked you immediately on my return further where he lived. He re­ from London.'—' Pray, sir, who plied, 'facing the Tholsel."* are you ?'—' George Faulkner, The Dean then turned from the printer.' —' You George Mr. Hoey, and bid him send his Faulkner, the printer ! Why, partner. Mr. Faulkner accord­ thou art the most impudent ingly waited on the Dean, and barefaced impostor I ever heard being asked the same question, of George Faulkner is a sober answered, ' he was,' also that sedate citizen, and would never ' he lived opposite the Tholsel.' trick himself out in lace and ' Then,' said the Dean, ' you are other fopperies. Get about your the man I want,' and from that business, and thank your stars time commenced their friend­ that I do not send you to the ship." House of Correction.' Poor George hobbled away as fast as he could, and having changed A LITTLE FOIBLE OF GEO. his apparel, returned imme­ FAULKNER. diately to the deanery. Swift, on seeing him, went up to him GEORGE, good citizen, and with great cordiality, and shook real good man as he was, could him familiarly by the hand, say­ * The Tholsel, situate near the junction ing, ' My good friend George, I of Nicholas Street and Christ Church am heartily glad to see you safe Place, occupied the centre of the great western thoroughfare, and served for the returned. Here was an impudent purpose of a town hall. 40 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. fellow in a laced waistcoat, who Then I laugh in my turn, give the side- glass a push up, would fain have passed for you, And so I would, faith, were his deanship but I soon sent him packing a bishop. But go which way you will, we meet with a flea in his ear.'" (Ex­ with our own, tract in "The Streets of Dub­ That cursed newspaper has made us so lin," by John T. Gilbert, Esq., known. Every stocklngless boy, as he bathes at M.R.I.A.) Clantaff, At sight of the chariot must set up his laugh. And swear to his covtrogues he but yesterday paid you FAULKNER NARROWLY Two thirteens for the journals, which ESCAPES KNIGHTHOOD. journals have made you. Let them say what they will, give me once but my coach, LORD CHESTERFIELD really I'll despise inuendoes and smile at re­ offered to knight the industrious proach." printer, but vain as he undoubt­ edly was, he had the good sense GEORGE FAULKNER AT to decline the honour. Robert THE PLAY. Jephson, a witty hanger-on at the Castle, and a sad thorn in IN "The Orators" of the poor George's side with his English Aristophanes, his intent lampoons, and essays published was to ridicule the rage for in his (George's) style, thus gave oratory prevailing in the middle form to Mrs. Faulkner's antici­ of last century. He held up to pations of the glory awaiting derision Thomas Sheridan, her knight and herself. father of Richard Brinsley, and would have brought Dr. John­ ' Methinks to the Ring or the Strand as I son on the scene but for a whole­ roll, I hear people cry, ' Oh ! that fortunate some dread of the great moralist's soul !' strong arm and well-seasoned While others in noddy at threepence a stick. Coming to Dublin he head. As they jog to Rathfarnham will fret studied Faulkner's personal pe­ themselves dead. culiarities, his taste for fine If we alter our route and strike off to Glasnevin, dress, his style of delivering Where your Sunday cits walk on a after-dinner speeches, the loss scheme to be saving, of some teeth, and, what should (Those days are all over with me, I thank God !) have been sacred from mockery, I look sharp for the Dean on each side his lameness. George's stage of the road. double was Peter Paragraph, ' Dean Delaney, your servant,* * Sir George, I am yours. and annoying as the exhibition That's a pretty conveyance you ride in.' must have been to the worthy ' 'Tis ours.' citizen, he endured it for a time, The Dean stands aghast, as indeed well he may. till some sentences were added Then cries, with a smile, *'Tis a mighty to the part reflecting on the fine day! * While I know in his soul, like the rest of memory of the late M rs. Faulkner. his brothers. This was the culminating point He hates to see laymen swing-swong of the aggravation. The scur- upon leathers. MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES, 41 rilous mimic was brought to by name, and schoolmaster by trial, and only for his speedy profession, published two poems flight from the country he would in the style of Hudibras, one have received condign punish­ entitled "The Irish Hudibras," ment. Four years later he was the other " Gillo's Feast," and rendered by a fall as lame as his both designed to throw ridicule victim, yet in George's paper on all his countrymen, who the accident was barely men­ entertained Jacobite aspirations. tioned, without note or comment, They are mentioned here as and when the Lord Lieutenant literary curiosities. We present asked forgiveness for Foote, and our readers with the prelude to permission for him to re-appear the latter poem, as it contains in Smock Alley without fear of the least contemptible lines in prosecution, the good man con­ the production. sented on the moment. Before proceedings were taken, * In Western isle, renowned for fogs. it is said that Mr. Faulkner dis­ For Tories, and for great wolf dogs. For drawing hobbies by the tail. tributed a number of pit and And threshing corn with fiery flail. gallery tickets among his press­ And where in bowels of the ground There are great heaps of butter found. men and other employes, ex­ And where in leathern hairy boat, pressing his wish that they O'er threatening waves bold mortals should hiss and groan the mimic. float,* One Gillo lived, the son of Shane, He was present in a box, but Who was the son of Patrick Bane, was mortified beyond measure Who was the son of Teigue the Tory, Who, to his great and endless glory. to see and hear his men clap­ Out of a bush a shot let fly, ping, and applauding, and laugh­ And killed a man who pass&d by. ing with all their might. He For which he was advanced high,- Who was the son of Phelim Fad•a, called them in a body before Who on his hand six fingers had. him next day, and asked the Could twist horse shoes, and at one meal With ease could eat the greatest veal; reason of their non-compliance With 's head, instead of hammer, could with his wishes, "Why did you Knock nail into a piece of wood. And with his teeth, without least pain. not show your disapprobation of Could pull the nail from thence again." Foote and his doings?"— " Foote !" said the foreman of the party, "we saw no Foote. The reader may easily con­ It was your own dear self, ceive, after glancing at the master, we saw before us, and " Feast of O'Rourke," what an how could we show you any dis­ undesirable entertainment was respect ?" We do not insist on furnished by Mr. Gillo (Giolla^ a the rigid veracity of this play­ fellow, a servant). house anecdote. * Alluding to the alleged customs of the people,—yoking the horse to the plough by the tail, and burning the sheaves to come GILLO'S PEDIGREE, at the corn. They certainly used corrachs-, i.e.y wicker boats covered with hides, and in several places in bogs, was found an A POETASTER of the first half adipose substance, which they called of last century, William Moffet "bog-butter." 42 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. against popery, and the newest A BIZARRE MODE OF country dances. ENCOURAGING LITERA­ " Your petitioners are as sen­ TURE. sible as your honours can be of the little use of learning, and IRISH writers of our day com­ would not on any account in­ plain of the want of encourage­ flict on your honours the drud­ ment of native talent and genius gery of reading. Still, as a re­ on the part of our nobility, gen­ putation for learning contributes try, and well-to-do people in the to the respect of a nation abroad, agricultural and mercantile de­ it would be inexpedient for you partments. It is probable that to suffer your petitioners to shut our living writers and vendors up their shops. of books are not much worse off " Your petitioners beg to sug­ than their predecessors a hun­ gest that a room fitted up with dred and thirty years since. shelves full of books would cost Listen to portions of a petition barely about a hundred pounds, (abridged) which the respectable while hangings of Genoa damask printers and booksellers, George would, at the least, cost a hun­ Grierson and George Faulkner, dred and forty, a clear saving of are supposed to have made forty pounds, and a reputation about that time, or what Dean for literary taste being thus Swift imagined they might have secured. We need not enlarge made in the depressed state of on the advantage of so much the book trade of their day. waste-paper at hand, useful for the sudden exigencies of master " To the Nobility, Gantry, and mistress for wrapping round and Clergy of both sexes candles, lighting the tea-lamp, in the City of Dublin, making bottoms for worsted, the Immble petition of pinning up Miss's hair, making George Faulkfter and kites for young master, or damp George Grierson, book­ plaster for his forehead when he sellers,— cuts it in a fall, etc., etc., etc. " SHEWETH that your petition­ " Lest our patrons should in­ ers, though booksellers, are not cur any contempt for encourag­ prompted by any desire of gain ing home talent or home manu­ to this their humble petition, facture, your petitioners solemnly being able, in case their trade engage authorship, paper, bind­ should fail, to live decently on ing, etc., to be all foreign. nothing, as many of their betters " Your petitioners' statement are known to do. It proceeds and proposal are these :— singly from their regard for the " The inhabitants of this city honour and glory of this metro­ are computed at a hundred polis. Your petitioners can with thousand souls, allowing at an truth affirm that they have not average one soul to each inha­ sold any books for some time bitant. Twenty thousand souls, past, except some few old books consisting of tradesmen, curates, MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 43 and subalterns, ought not to and fifty years, have editors, read. So there will remain sub-editors, foremen, composi­ eighty thousand who, though tors, and printer's devils laboured they do not choose to read, are to afford themselves honest sup­ expected to do so. port, spread useful knowledge " Your petitioners, then, hum­ through the land, and encourage bly pray and suggest that each the manufacture of paper, ink, of these eighty thousand souls and machinery. And there did will consent to purchase from the facetious Jemmy Carson, us four volumes annually, at editor of " The Dublin Weekly thfee shillings and sixpence per Journal," remind his patrons, on volume. This sum, so light on the 27th of April, 1728, of the each person, and not exceeding claims he had on their friend­ the price of four bottles of claret, ship, esteem, and support. will amount in the aggregate to " The man who carries on any twenty-eight thousand pounds, useful employment among our­ of which, on the faith of Chris­ selves should not be without his tians, our profit will not exceed share of praise. In this respect the odd eight thousand. the (present) writer looks upon " Your petitioners finally sug­ himself as no unprofitable mem­ gest that this arrangement will, ber of the Commonwealth as a in all probability, remove the writer and a journalist. He disgrace which has clung to our employs a great number of city since the days of Tacitus, hands, and while he is doing who, in his third book of ' The his own business, and endea­ Annals of Ireland,'thus expresses vouring to divert his country­ himself:—' Dublin is a city en­ men, he is putting bread into tirely uncivilised, ignorant of all the mouths of a great many the liberal arts and sciences, and helpless, indigent people. excelling only in drunkenness, His establishment is very ex­ squalor, and laziness.'" pensive, and it is maintained solely for the diversion and in­ struction of his patrons. To get news for them, and rumours of A MODEL DUBLIN EDITOR, news, he has to keep secretaries, A.D. 1728. spies, agents, and even inform­ ers, to get the best intelligence LET the indulgent reader, next for them. So that no man in time he passes by Saunders's all Hibernia knows more of all Newsletter Office, look into the sayings and doings in every Coghill's court beside it with a place of public resort, especially certain feeling of literary rever­ at the fashionable Spa of Tem- ence, for there, early last cen­ pleogue, where all the ladies of tury, Jean Cavallier, the sturdy fashion and the gentlemen of leader of the Camissards, got his the beau monde do congregate. narrative printed, and dedicated He has always more reputations to the head of the Latouches, in his power than pounds in his and there, for about a hundred 44 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. purse, and the reason of that der sometimes, but robbery phenomenon is that he does not always. traffic in faux pas and reputa­ " There is for you here, if of tions. He prefers having no riper years, a sort of cloister money to having hush money." (Trinity College) where they re­ Let us hope that this last as­ tire to study. At least this seem- sertion of Jemmy was made in eth the original design of the good faith. The extract is from structure. What use it is now Dr. Madden's work. applied to I cannot tell thee."

A DOUBLE DUEL. A PERSIAN'S NOTIONS ON IRELAND. IRELAND could not be said to patronise duelling more than A WRITER in the Medler the neighbouring nations in the Journal, 1744, gave utterance to last century. Her Hell-fire Club his sentiments on Irish law and was exceeded, at the least equal­ literature in this wise in letters led in atrocity by kindred insti­ to his friend Helim in Sheraz. tutions in England. Still, not­ . "Contrary to the usages withstanding croakers who de­ of other nations these people claim against the profligacy and think nothing -worthy of praise blasphemy which show their di­ but what comes from abroad. minished heads in this nine­ They often prefer things because teenth century, they will be foreign, to what is vastly supe­ found of a mere milk-and-water rior in real worth at home. character when compared to Everything from a distant clime some hellish doings of the has many admirers even before eighteenth. Generally speak­ they know its merit. ing, these are unfit for mention "Their laws seem contrived in detail in works intended for rather for the benefit of the pro­ general perusal. But to our fessors of the science (of judica­ duel—against which the same ture) than the advantage of the objection does not stand. clients who have recourse to Two military gentlemen, who them, the former being the only bore the surnames of Pack and persons who receive any addi­ Creed, hearing much in their tion to their fortunes from them. London quarters of the perfec­ " By the irregularity I have tion to which the systematic observed in the execution of mode of conducting affairs of justice on malefactors, I believe honour was brought in Ireland, there are no settled rules for it, crossed to Dublin to add to but that the infliction of punish­ their own well-established credit ment lies mainly in the power at sword play. Hearing much of the magistrature. All I can of the European reputation of a say is, that a great many crimes Mr. Mathew, Major Pack de­ are punished with death:—mur­ signedly hustled a chairman MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 45 whom he met, bearing the great said to his companion, ' Creed, man to some appointment. I think we are the conquerors, Mathew, supposing it to be a for we have kept the field of mere accidental occurrence, took battle.' For a long time their no notice; but soon after a lives were despaired of, but, to friend of his, Mr. Macnamara, the astonishment of every one, another swordsman of great both recovered. When they skill, heard him (Mr. Pack) were able to see company, Ma­ boasting in a coffee-room of his thew and his friend attended exploit, and of the tameness of them daily, and a close intimacy Mr. Mathew on the occasion. afterwards ensued, as they found Immediately Mr. Macnamara them men of probity and of the took up the cause of his absent best dispositions, except in this friend, attributed the non-notice Quixotic idea of duelling, where­ of the affront to its proper cause, of they were now perfectly and a meeting was arranged to cured." (St7'eets of Dublin^ take place in a large room in the tavern where the officers were lodging. Before the trial began, Macnamara observed, that it A COLLEGE TRAGEDY was out of his power to stand idly by during a single combat, THOUGH we give preference and asked Captain Creed to be in our collection to incidents his vis-a-vis during the battle. and events of an agreeable or It was the very most welcome humorous character, we are in­ request he could make, and the duced to give reception to the four men engaged with right following tragic occurrence, so good will to their work. The unusual in its circumstances, strife was long, most skilfully and jarring so fearfully with the conducted, and most desperate. character of the scene in which At last Mr. Creed fell covered it occurred. with wounds, and the Major, The Rev. Edward Ford, M.A., much concerned, cried out, "Ah ! Junior Fellow of Trinity College, poor Creed, are you gone ? "— was the reverse of popular " Yes,"said Mathew, "and (then among the students. They perpetrating the only pun he showed their dislike to him with ever attempted) you shall soon every opportunity, and, at last, pack after him." An effective on the 6th of March, 1734, lunge followed the grim joke, some of them, probably under and Pack was laid beside Creed. the influence of liquor, attacked Both combatants were in such a his windows between twelve and dangerous state, that the surgeon one o'clock at night. He impru­ ordered beds to be put up for dently opened one of the windows them in the same room. and discharged a pistol charged with large shot. The assailants " When they came to them­ dispersed, but soon returned, selves, and saw where they provided with fire-arms, and were. Pack, in a feeble voice, attacked the windows anew. 46 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. Again he opened the window, by sincere repentance, and fer­ and was preparing to fire, when vent prayer for pardon. he received two shots full in the Parsons read the letter care­ face and breast. These proved fully, ordered it to be put in a mortal, and he expired in three- new cover, and directed to the quarters of an hour. Before his Earl of Kildare, his neighbour. departure he said to those Calling in the Dean's messenger, about him, " Tell the scholars he prevailed on him, by a pre­ that I beg their pardon for sent of two guineas, to have it offences that I may have given presented at Kildare House, them, and assure them that then in Suffolk Street, and to I sincerely forgive them." say nothing to any one on the (Abridged from " Irish Periodi­ subject. cal Literature.") The Earl of Kildare was the very opposite to Lord Rosse in nearly every particular. He was a model man with respect to the A DEATH-BED PRACTI­ social and domestic virtues, but CAL JOKE. of a retiring and exclusive dispo­ sition. Displeased and shocked RICHARD PARSONS, first Earl at the subject-matter of the of Rosse, belonged to that class epistle, he showed it to his wife. of free livers to whom allusion (Lady Mary O'Brien before mar­ was mad e a page or two back, and riage), and asked her if she did who took a sort of pride in not consider the writer as a man being spoken of as contemners beside himself She said there of all laws, human and divine. was no mark of madness about He was what another remark­ the composition, and advised able individual of his school was him to show it to Dr. Hoadly, called, "a Fanfaron of vice." the Archbishop. His fund of animal spirits seemed The great dignitary was nearly inexhaustible ; he was generous, as surprised and displeased as and most prodigal of that spe­ the Earl himself, and sent at cies of wit which is allied to once for the Dean. On his ap­ irreverence and obscenity. Being pearance, the Archbishophanded near his end, which had been him the letter, and asked if he hastened by his evil practices, had written it. "What could and lying on his death-bed in have induced you to make a Molesworth Street, Rev. John communication implying the Madden, Dean of Kilmore, and possession of such evil qualities Vicar of St. Ann's, in which pa­ in the person addressed?"—"It rish his house lay, wrote him a was a disagreeable office, my feeling letter, under cover, al­ lord, but I felt I was barely luding to particulars of his doing my duty."—" Are you wicked career, and lovingly im­ aware that you are liable to be ploring him to turn to profit the prosecuted in the ecclesiastical short time yet at his disposal. court, and perhaps be deprived MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 47 of your offices ? "—" Whatever Jones, at Moneyglas, about the may befall me, I must take com­ year 1727, and had for sleeping fort in the fact of having done neighbour the celebrated musi­ my duty." The conversation cian, Torloch Carolan. Being went on but little further. The kept awake one night by a hum­ Archbishop dismissed the Dean ming of Cardan's voice, and in high displeasure, and the Earl the strumming of his harp in applied to the proctor to serve a the next room, he perceived citation on the wayward clergy­ that he was composing a new man. melody. He caught the air, Meantime, Hoadly, pitying and sitting down at his desk the case of the Dean, whose life when he had thoroughly mas­ and character had been of the tered it, he finished off some most edifying character up to verses in its metre. Next morn­ this unfortunate affair, paid him ing, after breakfast, the bUnd a visit, re-introduced the sub­ musician entertained the family ject, and, after some conversa­ and guests with the fine compo­ tion abounding in cross pur­ sition executed on his harp, poses, besought him to write a accompanying the melody with befitting letter of apology to the some indifferent English words, offended party. " My lord, how his knowledge of any language am I to ask the pardon of a man but the native Irish being very who died four days ago?"— limited. After due applause had " The Earl of Kildare dead ?"— been awarded to the gifted min­ " No, my lord, but the late Earl strel, Dawson cried out against of Rosse. How comes Lord their mistake. " I composed Kildare into the matter?" By that melody," said he, " long dint of cautious inquiries, and a since, and adapted to the air a careful examination of the faith­ few verses, which I shall now less servant, everything was sing for you." He forthwith satisfactorily cleared up, but the sung, with skill and sweetness, bribed messenger was dis­ five verses, of which we furnish charged. All this occurred in three, the other two being ad­ the end of June, 1741, and the dressed to lawyers and physi­ circumstances, given in more cians. detail, may be read in Mr. Gil­ bert's work. " Ye good fellows all. Who love to be told Where there's claret good store, ' Attend to the call Of one who's ne'er frighted. A BUMPER, SQUIRE But greatly dehghted With six bottles more. JONES I Be sure you don't pass The good house, Moneyglas, Which the jolly red god ARTHUR DAWSON, a gentle­ So peculiarly owns; man of talent and great powers 'Twill well suit your humour. For, pray what would you more of humour, was enjoying the Than mirth with good claret, hospitality of Thomas Morris And bumpers. Squire Jones? 48 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. " Ye poets who write. And brag of your drinking Famed Helicon's brook, KANE O'HARA, Though all you get by't Is a dinner oft-times. IN Molesworth Street, in the In reward for your rhymes. With Humphrey the duke,* early part of the reign of George Learn Bacchus to follow. III., dwelt the author of "Mi­ And quit your Apollo ; Forsake all the muses. das," the wit and music of These senseless old drones ; which the greater portion of Our jingling of glasses our readers must have enjoyed. Your rhyming surpasses, When crowned with good claret, In 1759, Midas was first pro­ And bumpers, Squire Jones. duced among the private theatri­ cals at the house of Mr. Brown- " Ye soldiers so stout, With plenty of oaths, low, of Lurgan. It was pre­ Though no plenty of coin. sented to the public at Crow Who make such a rout Of all your commanders, Street in 1762. The author is Who served us in Flanders, described by a contemporary as And eke at the Boyne, Come,, leave off your rattling " an old fop in appearance, Of sieging and battling. wearing spectacles and an anti­ And know you'd much better quated wig, but, notwithstand­ To sleep in whole bones. Were you sent to Gibraltar, ing, a polite, sensible, agreeable Your note you'd soon alter, man, chief modulator in all When crowned with good claret fashionable entertainments, the And bumpers. Squire Jones." very pink of gentility and good breeding. He was so tall that, The song was received with among his intimate friends, he shouts of laughter and applause, got the sobriquet of St. Patrick's but Carolan was almost beside steeple. The last line of an himself with wonder and rage. Italian glee then popular,— However, the good-natured man did not leave him long in his "Che no' hanno crudeltli," misery. He owned the source was thus parodied :— of his inspiration, but the com­ pany found it hard to decide " Kane O'Hara's cruel tall." whether the composer or the The amiable "Fanatico per poet deserved the higher com­ la musica " kept a puppet-show mendation. In Dawson's later for the amusement of his young capacity of law baron, he rivalled friends. On the 25th of Octo­ Counsellor Pleydell (see " Guy ber, 1802, the burletta began a Mannering'O in ability, wit, and career of twenty-seven nights at good nature. It was his delight Drury Lane. His other pro­ to join in the pastimes of chil­ ductions were " The Golden dren. Pippin," "The Two Misers," "April Day," and "Tom * Humphrey Duke of Gloucester en­ joyed after his death a monument and a Thumb;" this last adapted walk in old St. Paul's, which walk was a from Fielding, and furnished resort for flaneurs and dinnerless people with songs. in hope of a chance invitation; hence the expression above quoted. O'Hara was also author of MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES, 49 an unfinished jeu d.'esprit, en­ Even so the great Charles titled 'Grigri, a true history, Lucas, apothecary, deinde libe­ translated from the Japonese rator of Ireland, could not afford into Portuguese by Didacquez to share any portion of an Irish­ Hadeczuca, companion to a man's privileges with one who missionary at Yeddo, from Por­ made the sign of the cross on tuguese into French by the his forehead. Abb^ du-Pot-a-Beurre, almoner In the " Freeman's Journal," to a Dutch vessel on the whale 14th March, 1767, appeared the fishery, and now, lastly, from following paragraph :— the French into English, by the " On Wednesday night, a Rev. Dr. Finane, chaplain to Papist mass-house, which was an Irish regiment in the Turkish kept at the back part of a service. Forbidden by the tradesman's house near Salt- Fathers of the Holy Inquisition, Petre Bank, was suppressed. and by all the States and Poten­ About twenty mean-dressed tates upon the earth to be people, with the priest, were printed anywhere, yet printed assembled, but on the alarm of and published for the translator peace officers, made their escape here, there, and everywhere, at a back door." sine ttllo privilegio,' The MS. This furnished a befitting text of this production was presented to Lucas, who on the iSthof the by the author, in 1762, to his succeeding month thus chari­ intimate friend, Thomas Ken­ tably expressed himself in the nedy, Esq. of Clondalkin Castle, same paper:— County Dublin, whose descend­ ants permitted it to be published " Every body knows the un­ in ' The Irish Monthly Maga­ limited power which the popish zine for 1832.'" {Streets of priests exercise over the minds Dublin.) of their people. A fellow after half-a-dozen murders and rob­ beries, goes to death with great composure, provided the priest THE CLOWN WHO ENGROS­ assures him of salvation, which SED ALL THE GOOD assurance is ordinarily pur­ chased with a good part of the THINGS TO HIMSELF. plunder, for which he suffered DOBSON to Hodson.—Oi all death. What I propose then things in the world, what would is,—that no popish priest be suf­ you ask for, if it was sure to be fered on any pretence whatso­ granted ? ever to enter the walls of New­ Hodson to Dobson.—To swing gate, unless sent thither for his on a gate all day, and eat fat crimes; and in that case, that bacon. And what would you he be kept apart, and not be ask for ? permitted to converse even by Dobson to Hodson.—Ah you signs with the other criminals, selfish fellow, you kept all the neither allowed to attend them good things to yourself. at the gallows, nor exchange a so MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. word with them in their passage nessed his kissing of the ring. thither." This was his last farewell to We wish no worse evil to any bachelorhood. admirer of the good old times than to study carefully the ac­ count of the domestic economy of the prisons of Dublin, New­ LUCASS COFFEE-HOUSE &' gate, the Black Dog, &c. in the last century as given in the ITS FREQUENTERS. "Streets of Dublin," by Mr. Gilbert. {Irish Quarterly Re­ THIS gay resort on Cork Hill, view, xii., December, 1853.) adjacent the castle, "was usu­ ally crowded by the city beaux, dressed in all that was fine and THE CAPTAIN OF THE gay, with prim queues or Martial BULL-RING. Eugene wigs, bugled waistcoats, Steinkirk breast ruffles, and gold THE inhabitants of Old Dub­ clocks in their silk stockings. lin showed not a whit more in­ They strutted about the coffee­ tellectuality in their public en­ house, read the newspapers, tertainments than was possessed sipped coffee, rolled to the park by that rough favourite of Queen or play-house in a chair or Elizabeth, Lord Hunsdon. (See coach and six, and passed a part Kenilworth.) In the Corn Mar­ of the evenings either in the gal­ ket they baited their bulls, and leries of the houses of parlia­ the ring which secured the poor ment or in the theatres, where animal's chains was an object of the stage was thronged with veneration in their sight. them on benefit nights. A young man in general esti­ The insane rage for duelling mation was appointed mayor of which pervaded Europe at the this bull ring, and the unmarried time extended to Ireland, and men of the city rendered him a the hot politics of the time ren­ species of allegiance, and twice dered single combats as frequent in the year he superintended a in Dublin as in Paris or London. Wappen-Schau at their head. The yard behind Lucas's coffee He was supposed to look after house was the place to which the morals of his corps, and the fiery disputants usually re­ would at times punish any dis­ tired to settle their differences. orderly young fellow, who pub­ The company flocked to the licly offended against morality. windows to see that the laws of When a marriage took place, honour were strictly observed, the Bull-ring Chief with his offi­ and to bet upon the survivor of cers led the bridegroom to the the unhappy men, who were bull-ring after the ceremony v/as crossing their swords beneath in performed, and at the conclusion deadly conflict." {Streets of of some proceedings marked by Dublin^ a certain ludicrous gravity, wit­ MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. SI author of " The Cock and An­ HOW DR. THOMAS SHERI­ chor," " Uncle Silas," " Check­ DAN WON A WIFE. mate," and several other superior works of fiction, is the great THE above named gentleman, grandson of that amiable and father of Richard Brinsley Sheri­ gifted lady. dan, incurred the displeasure of their high mightinesses, the beaux and bucks, who patronised ROBIN ADAIR. Lucas, by protecting " at point of Fox " a young actress, whom THE hotel of Owen Bray at one of their number arrogantly Loughlinstown, was as popular insulted behind the scenes. They a place of resort in its way as would have made a wreck of Lucas's in the city. It was ex­ Smock Alley theatre, had they tensively patronised by all the their wicked will. What! a gentlemen of the Kilruddery player dare to interfere with the Hunt, whose Magnus Apollo will and pleasure of the great was the hospitable Earl of Meath. Mr. Kelly of Galway, one privi­ Had we space at our disposal leged to sit on a stool on the we would present our readers stage, and treat the actresses as with the entire song, which com­ if he were the Grand Turk and memorated the prowess of the they his odalisques ! The social convivial and sporting body and legal war raged for some above-named. It is supposed to time. The newspapers were all be the composition of Ow-en occupied with the dispute, and himself: we quote one quatrain. it is satisfactory that the Bashaw " A pack of such hounds, and a set of such of Connaught suffered a defeat men, in the courts. Mr. Sheridan was 'Tis a shrewd chance if ever you meet with again. much gratified while the paper Had Ninurod, the mightiest of hunters, war was in full heat, with the been there, spirit of some articles, in which 'Fore Gad, he had shook like an aspen his cause was strenuously sup­ for fear." ported. He traced the author­ John Adair of Kilternan was ship to a Miss Frances Cham- a foremost man after the fox, berlayne, a beautiful and intel­ and over the bottle. Such was lectual young lady, to whom he the prowess of himself and his obtained an introduction for the comrades, that if we can trust a purpose of expressing his grate­ poet of that day, Old Chronos ful sense of her goodness. That himself came to Kilternan House interview led to others, and in to test their powers of absorp­ due time and place a happy tion. The servant not approv­ union was the result (1747). Mrs. ing his dilapidated appearance, Sheridan was the authoress of was about shutting the door in the Eastern Story Nourjahad, his face, but when he urged that Sidney Biddulpk, a novel, and he was in need of a glass, wide a couple of comedies. The it flew. £ 2 52 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. " Jack Adair was at table with six of his in the presence of the waiters. friends. Who for making him drunk now were He then began to huzza with all making amends ; his might. The defeated man TIME hoped at his presence none there was affronted : returned to the city as soon as ' Sit down, boy,' says Jack, ' and pre­ he recovered from the debauch, pare to be hunted.' but the report of his defeat fol­ They drank hand to fist for six hours or more. lowed him ; and every one per­ Till down tumbled TIME, and began for secuted him with the query, to snore. ' Ken ye ane Robin Adair ?'—' I Five gallons of claret they poured on his head. ken the de'il,' was his invariable And were going to take the old flincher answer." to bed."

In a note in " The Streets of BUCK WHALLEY, Dublin " is preserved an account by a Frenchman of a Bacchic THIS eccentric gentleman, victory won by a relative of whose mansion in Stephen's Jack's, namely, Robin. The Green, adorned by a couchant following is a free translation of lion over the door, is now redo­ the French text. lent of the labours of the profes­ " Here (at Kilternan), lived sors and students of the Catholic that Robert so celebrated in University, lived so fast in his Irish and Scotch songs. I have own house, and Lucas's, and seen his portrait. He was grand­ still worse places, that he soon father of Lord Molesworth and got to his journey's end, as far Sir Robert Hodson, Master of as enjoyment of existence was Hollybrook. A bibulous Scotch concerned. He thought it ad­ chief hearing of the Bacchic ex­ visable to seek excitement in ploits of Robert Adair, came ex­ foreign climes, especially as the press from Scotland to defy him visits of his wine, horse, silk, at the bottle; on his landing, he cloth, and meat merchants had began to inquire in his jargon of become tiresome from frequent every one he met, ' Ken ye ane repetition. So he laid a wager Robin Adair?' He soon found that he would have a game of him out (he was at table at the ball against the walls of Jerusa­ time), and mentioned his busi­ lem, and he performed his vow ness. ' Let us decide the dis­ as far as setting forth on the pute on the spot,' said Adair. journey, and executing it to the ' No, everything is ready at my letter, was concerned. During hotel at Bray.' Thither the the Viceroyalty of the Duke of champions repaired, and began the contest, but on emptying the Buckingham a volume of poems tenth bottle, the Scotchman was was published (circa 1790), enti- laid under the table. Adair ded " Both Sides of the Gutter," drew him out, rang the bell, and and one piece was devoted to sitting astride on the poor Scot, the triumphant departure of the he emptied the eleventh bottle great man. We venture to give our readers a taste of its quality. MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. S3 " Buck Whalley, lacking much some cash. And being used to cut a dash, He wagered full ten thousand pound, TOTTENHAM IN HIS He'd visit soon the Holy Ground. In Loftus's fine ship BOOTS, He said he'd take a trip. And Costello so famed. WHILE the Parliament (it The Captain then was named. could scarcely be called Na­ From Park Street down through College tional) sat in College Green, Green, wonderful to relate, the Chan­ This grand procession now was seen. cellor of the Exchequer had it The boxing chairmen first moved on To clear away the vulgar throng; in his power to report a surplus, Then Whalley debonair and of course the ministerial Marched forward with his bear. members wished it to be applied And Lawler too was there. Which made Lord Naas to stare. to a non-national purpose, while * * * * the Irish party would employ it Next Heydon in her vis-a-vis. for the benefit of the country. With paint and ribbons, smile and glee ; The tug was strenuous on this As aid-de-camp, close by her side, Long Bob the Turkeycock did ride. side and that; the time for tak­ And Guildford's lord came next. ing the votes was rapidly ap­ Who seemed extremely vext proaching, members were ur­ To see the lady's nob gently pressed to be at their So very close to Bob. posts, and Mr. Tottenham, the Then came French valets two and two ; independent member for New By garlic you'd have smelt the crew; And large as any Shetland hog. Ross, then at his seat at Totten­ Came Watch the black Newfoundland ham Green, near Taghmon, wa^ dog. written for in hot haste. He A Swiss bore in the train A baboon with a chain ; was out riding when he received The striped post-chaise came by the warning, and the moment With Zara and with Fly. after making himself master of * * * * His creditors poor men, were there. its contents, he turned his horse's And in their looks you'd see despai/'. head to Dublin, and rode end­ For bailiffs he cared not a straw, long without stay to partake of A member being above the law. sleep, or even food, but what was Cuffe from the barrack board Swore by Great Temple Lord of absolute necessity, till he This action to requite, reached College Green, the dis­ Tom should be dubbed a knight. tance ridden being about ninety The boxing bishop, and at his back. English miles. He could not Jack Coffey, alias Paddy Whack. tell whether he was late or not; His Grace had come, long may he live His benediction for to give ! so, without going to his lodgings He trod, though did not know. to make a change of dress, he On Napper Tandy's toe. presented himself in hot haste Who lent His Grace a clout. And so they boxed it out. at the door of the House of * * * * Commons. The guardian op­ From Cork see Tom Fitzgerald steers. posed his entrance in his unpar­ His boat now trimmed in its best gears, To give Beau Whalley an escort. liamentary trim, and with his And see him safely out of port; sword dangling at his side. " If And in a fishing-boat you oppose my entrance," said Astern was Lundy Foot, With all his funny bo^s the wearied and agitated man, To make a roaring noise." 54 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES, "you shall get some inches of favour in Dr. Patrick's eyes, he cold steel in your body." Cer­ published his Pranceriana, in berus was forced to yield the ridicule of it, and added his pass, and one side of the House " Lachrymse Academicce " there­ had the joy, and the other the to, to open the eyes of the world mortification of seeing the tra­ to the inefficacy, and errors, and vel-soiled and booted member bad management of the College pass up between them. " Tot­ authorities. tenham in his boots" made what Shaking the dust of the Col­ Mr. Disraeli calls a good cry lege off his soles to the great (see Coningsby), and was a comfort of the Provost and Fel­ standing toast among the Na­ lows, he became in succession tionalists for many a day. King's counsel, judge of the Prerogative Court, King's advo­ cate to the High Court of Admi­ AN INGENIOUS BUT ralty, and, as the " Evening SLIGHTL Y REPREHENSI­ Post" expressed, " one of Lord Castlereagh's Commissioners for BLE DEVICE, Bribing Members of Parlia­ "THE Dublin Journal," dur­ ment." Moreover, he arrived at ing the fifty years of its founder's the dignity of member of par­ management, 1725-1775, was liament for Armagh. His reve­ conducted in an independent nues were large, and yet he left and impartial style, but towards but little property behind him. the end of the century it became Dr. Madden, who does anything the property of a Mr. Gift'ard, to but revere Dr. Patrick's memory, whose heart Turk, or Jew, or conjectures that he must have Atheist was more welcome than parted with much money for an indocile papist. Contempo­ charitable purposes. rary with this worthy was the On the occasion of a question once much-spoken-of Dr. Pat­ on the Catholic claims being rick Duigenan, who, born of about to come before the House obscure Roman Catholic pa­ of Commons, Dr. Duigenan fell rents, and bred, up to early asleep in the smoking-room, manhood, in their faith, became and while in that state some Scholar, and then Fellow of Tri­ unprincipled joker chalked a nity College. Dr. Patrick not large cross on his hat. On only quarrelled with the faith awaking he hastened into the as­ and politics of his poor rela­ sembly, and soon became aware tions, he quarrelled with the of being the occasion of mer­ provost, and every one who did riment to all within view of him. not fall down and adopt his His annoyance on discovering opinions, which were as vari­ the obnoxious symbol so strictly able as his fortunes. The Pro­ connected with his own portly vost designed to establish a presence, is not to be de­ riding school for the use of the scribed. students, but this not finding His death occurred on the MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. SS first of April, 1816, and Vincent Dowling, a reporter, was re­ SOME OF BARRl'S ECCEN minded by the date to execute a TRICITIES, practical joke which another might not have thought of THIS great and enthusiastic He wrote to his friend, Patrick artist was a native of Cork, but Vincent Fitzpatrick, a circum­ it is more than doubtful if " the stantial account of the last ill­ beautiful city" possesses a copy ness and death of the great of any one of his paintings. man, dwelling on daily visits to Having finished at an early age, his bedside by a reserved, down- in fact the latest stage of boy­ hood, " The Baptism of Aongus looking, thin personage, attired King of Munster* by St. Pa­ in black, and marvellously re­ trick," he travelled up to Dublin sembling a Jesuit. At last, after with it, and it was graciously a very prolonged visit of this allowed a place in the school of mysterious stranger, the servants design of the Royal Dublin entered the bed-room, found the Society. Edmund Burke acci­ Doctor dead, and a very decided dentally examining it one day, smell of brimstone pervading was struck by the originality and the atmosphere of the apart­ ability evident in the compo­ ment. sition, and asked the curator the Mr. Fitzpatrick on receiving name of the artist. " He did the account, took it to the office not know, but it was brought to of the " Dublin Chronicle" in the place by that pock-marked Suffolk Street, and next day boy."—" Tell me, my boy, who Dublin was divided between joy, painted that fine piece ?"—-" I sorrow, and confusion. Mr. Gif- did, sir."—" You, and so young ! fard, then proprietor of the It can't be possible." Poor " Dublin Journal," behaved with Barry burst into tears, and much spirit on the occasion. He walked rapidly out of the room. hung from the drawing-room But the good Edmund had him window of the office a large pla­ brought back, gave him kind card, on which in letters visible and consoling words, and be­ at an amazing distance, he gave friended him then, and after­ a decided contradiction to the wards in London. report. Still those who revered the Doctor's memory were not * Thus runs the legend. During the at ease, and when the body sacred rite, the saint struck his spiked arrived in Dublin the corpora­ travelling-staff into the ground, as he sup­ tion declined to assist at the posed ; but it took the King's instep in its way, and pierced it through, without funeral. So the obsequies were causing any movement or cry on his side. performed in a private manner, The sacrament being administered, and the saint discovering what he had done, much to the grief and disgust of exclaimed in the deepest emotion, " Oh ! many of the great man's ad­ why did you not make me aware of this terrible accident sooner?"—" I thought it mirers. was part of the rite," answered the pious convert. At the saint's prayer the woun(J was instantly healed. 56 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. Sir Joshua Reynolds always and dirt had not covered. His recommended the great heroic wig was one which you might style in his lectures to the have supposed he had borrowed students, but practised, himself, from a scare-crow. All round the painting of portraits, and it there projected a fringe of his grew rich and famous. Barry own grey hair. He lived alone by neglecting his practice, and in a house, which was never strictly following his advice, re­ cleaned, and he slept on a bed­ mained in indigence. Inhabi­ stead with no other furniture tants of London have an oppor­ than a blanket nailed to one tunity of examining specimens side. I wanted him to visit me. of his genius at the Adelphi. ' No, he could not spare time by Dublin folk may gratify their day to go out from his great curiosity by a visit to the en­ picture, and if he went out in the trance hall of the schools of the evening, the academicians would Royal Dublin Society, where waylay and murder him.' In hangs a large painting of a scene this solitary sullen life he con­ from " Cymbeline," in which the tinued till he fell ill, probably unprincipled and crafty lachimo for want of nourishing food, and and the pure-minded Imogen after lying two or three days are characteristically presented. under his blanket, he had just Elected a royal academician, strength enough left to crawl to he and his fellows could not get his own door, open it, and lay on harmoniously together. As himself down with a paper in he wished for one thing to be his hand, on which he had done, and all the rest were written his wish to be carried to anxious for the very opposite the house of Mr. Carlisle (Sir thing to be done, of course they Anthony) in Soho Square. There were in a certain sense in the he was taken care of, and the right, and Barry was ejected danger from which he had es­ from the body, no one but honest caped seems to have cured him Nollekens protesting against the of his mental hallucinations. He proceeding. This and the rob­ cast his slough afterwards, ap­ bery of his house on two occa­ peared decently dressed, and in sions, rendered the poor solitary his own grey hair, and mixed in artist partially insane. Of his such society as he liked. A neglect of personal appearance, little before his death, he had and the wretchedness of his with much persuasion been in­ condition, Robert Southey thus duced to pass a night at some wrote :— person's house in the country. When he came down to break­ " I knew Barry, and have fast next morning, and was asked been admitted into his den in how he had rested, he said, his worst (that is his noblest) ' Remarkably well. He had not days. He wore at that time an slept in sheets for many years, old coat of green baize, from and really he thought it a very which time had taken all the comfortable thing.' The great green, that incrustations of paint MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 57 but wayward artist died in 1806 not to drink spirits ?"—" Yes, at the age of sixty-five. Much to be sure. One naggin would information concerning the man enable me to hold out an hour and his works is given in Mr. or more."—" You did not make Gilbert's "Streets of Dublin." a vow against eating the (" Irish Quarterly Review," No. liquor ? "—" Nonsense ! How 10). could that be done?"—"Wait a moment. Ask for a few SIR TOBY BUTLER. minutes' respite, and see what THIS able lawyer, a worthy will happen." He withdrew, and precursor of John Philpot Cur- shortly returned with a fresh ran, did much good in his day penny roll in his hand. The by defending those Roman Ca­ opposite party were not much tholic or Protestant Jacobites discouraged at the sight of the who had got into trouble under counsellor taking his dry re­ the precious penal laws. The freshment, but if they were patriotic andgood-hearted lawyer aware of a full naggin of whisky was not exempt from the failing having been absorbed in the hot so prevalent in his day among soft inside, it would be otherwise. gentlemen, a leaning to strong When the simple luncheon was drink. After suffering no small out of sight, Sir Theobald fell loss and inconvenience from the to like any refreshed giant, out­ cup which cheers, but, alas, did even himself in logic and inebriates also, he recorded a eloquence, went on for half an vow in some form against drink­ hour, aye, and would have held ing spirits. When he had bravely out an hour and a half if the docu­ adhered to his resolution for ment had not then timely arrived. some time, he happened to be The man in the dock was set engaged in the defence of a free, and Sir Theobald was person obnoxious to the laws of overpowered with thanks and the day, and after much exertion congratulations on his wonder­ found his powers of endurance ful display. The monument of exhausted. The worst of the the great lawyer is to be seen in matter was that the friends of the ancient churchyard of St. the accused were at the moment James's parish. absent in search of a much needed document, and could "THE DE'IL'S IN HELL, OR not possibly be on return in less DUBLIN CITY," than half or three quarters of an hour. The wearied coun­ THE Law Courts which the sellor communicated to a friend, foreign visitor now admires on in a whisper, the prostration in the left bank of the Liffey, were which he found himself, and his not built in Sir Toby Butler's fears that the cause would be day. He pleaded in a building lost. " Ah," said he, " only for which stood on the west side of my unlucky vow this would not Fishamble Street, and in the have happened."—" Your vow neighbourhood of Christ Church 58 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES, Cathedral. The entrance to locality called as above was so what might have been called designated in almanacs, grave "*The Lavtyers' Close" was in guide books, or business docu­ Fishamble Street, under an ments. In these it bore the archway, on the top of which name of " Christ Church Yard." a figure of the devil, sculptured in hard oak, had everything to HOW SIR RICHARD STEELE itself. The inner place abounded GOT HIMSELF PRE A CHED in houses of entertainment, lavsryers' chambers, and toy AT. shops, much patronised by little FEW of our readers require to boys. If Falstaff had wished be informed of the contributions for a commodity of bad instead of Sir Richard to " The Specta­ of good names, he might have tor " nor of his own periodical obtained them in Dublin. We "The Tattler," nor of his had, not long since, " Cutpurse " Christian Hero," nor of his Row," and we still possess sound views in respect to " Cheaters' Lane," " Cut-throat morality and religion, nor of Alley," and " Murdering Lane," his own want of ordinary thrift and the little world over whose and prudence. Sir Richard was entrance the devil displayed his born in Dublin, A.D. 1672, and tail and horns was appropriately after a life of prodigality, straits, termed Hell. Within its pre­ and discomfort, died in Wales, cincts Sir Theobald and his in 1729. We record one of the friends, fellow counsellors, and many small annoyances which their attorneys held many a fell in his way. consultation and drinking-bout. But when the courts were re­ While fitting up a large room moved, and the upper part of in York Buildings, for the pur­ Fishamble Street widened, the pose of the delivery of orations, wicked-looking image came he managed, as was his custom, down, and was converted into both of forenoons and after­ snuff-boxes and other conveni­ noons, to be behindhand with ences much prized by those who his workmen. One day, wish­ were lucky enough to secure ing to test the capabilities of his them. The head and horns hall of oratory, he directed one became the coveted property of of the workmen to get into the an antiquary of the city, and rostrum and make a speech, no are probably still extant. No matter what the subject, in Dublin citizen was in the slight­ order that he might judge of est degree disturbed when read­ the audibility or the reverse of ing an advertisement in his the words there uttered. The morning paper thus worded :— man unwillingly got into the "To be let, furnished apart­ undesirable post, looked down ments in Hell. N.B.—They are sheepishly, scratched his head, well suited to a lawyer." It and vowed he knew not what to must not be supposed that the say. " Oh," said the knight, " you need not search fpr a sub- MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES, S9 ject; the first thing that enters ordinary treatment, the indig­ your head will do."—" Thank'ee, nant creditor betook himself to Sir Richard. Then I make bold the gallery of the theatre one to say, Sir Richard, that we evening, and patiently waiting have been working for you for there till the artist had got six weeks. Sir Richard, and through an encore, he sung these never saw the ' colour of your two lines and a chorus in the money. Sir Richard. When," measure of Mr. Johnstone's continued he, raising his voice, lay :— "do you intend to pay us, Sir " Jack Johnstone, Jack Johnstone, you Richard ? "—"That will do my owe me, you owe me ; Jack Johnstone, you owe me ten and a good fellow, I have heard penny." enough. You speak very dis­ Chorus, &c. tinctly, indeed, but I do not The very commonplace dis­ approve of the subject matter." tich was greeted with much laughter in pit and boxes, and A SPEECH FROM THE with laughter and great applause UPPER GALLERY, in the galleries, the denizens of which demanded an encore. AN incident of the same de­ This the unpaid performer very scription occurred to the come­ willingly gave, and a third and dian, John Johnstone, or, as he fourth to still increasing applause; was called, " Irish Johnstone," and seemed satisfied to comply to distinguish him from York­ with the call of the house till shire Johnson, who was such a one o'clock in the morning, only favourite with Dublin audiences for a parcel of coins sHpped for more than a quarter of this into his left hand by a stage century. Irish Johnstone was messenger. Thereupon he made an excellent singer, and one of his first and last bow in Crow the best representatives of an Street; and quietly took a seat, Irish gentleman that has trod unwilling to depart without full the boards for a century. Some value for his shilling expended admirers of his vocal powers, at the door. when he was serving as a com­ mon soldier, obtained his dis­ FATHER O'LEARY. charge, and procured him an engagement in the theatre. THIS worthy and witty priest, While performing in Crow who was born in the western Street one season, he happened part of the county of Cork, A.D. to get on the debtor side of 1729, and died in London in the books of the keeper of 1802, had the rare good fortune a fives-court in the neighbour­ of being loved and reverenced hood of Castle Street, and no by his own flock, and the Irish eloquence on the worthy man's Catholic body generally, and part was sufficient to induce also of being respected by all him to settle the account. See­ his Protestant acquaintance. ing the case hopeless under He also engaged the esteem of 6o MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. the governing powers for his is. Having nothing better on unceasing efforts to keep his which to fix our thoughts, we people in their allegiance. A were speculating whether this Mr. Blair, a Scotch physician, dog of mine, if he had liberty of settled in Cork, published a book choice, and a small quantity of against revealed religion, which judgment, would join himself to brought forth the learned friar's the Protestants, the Catholics, or powers in defence of the truth. the Jews ? "—" A question easily His answer gave much satisfac­ decided," said the Franciscan. tion among Protestants of every " He would not be a Catholic, as shade of belief He also had a not approving abstinence from configuration with Dr. Wood­ meat on Friday. He has a ward, Bishop of Cloyne, and decided taste for pork ; ergo, he another with Rev. John Wesley, would not be a Jew. So it is and softened down considerably only waste of words to name an intolerant spirit which per­ the party he would join." vaded portions of their essays. He had consulted Dr. Watson, A WILFUL MISTAKE. Protestant Bishop of Limerick, before publishing his defence of AT a meeting of the English Christianity in answer to Mr. Catholic body. Lord Petre, the Blair, and that dignitary is said chairman, fancying that the to have been well pleased with father in his speech was dealing his execution of the work. Per­ too much with irrelevant matter, haps the most uncharitable ex­ moreover, matter calculated to pression that can be found in produce disunion in the as­ the good father's tracts is his sembly, interrupted him with hint to Bishop Woodward, who the remark, " Mr. O'Leary, I showed an unmistakable dislike regret much to see that you are to purgatory. " However cla­ out of order."—" I thank you morous," he observes, " a mitred for your anxiety, my Lord," an­ divine may be about a Popish swered the speaker, "but'I assure purgatory, he may perhaps go you I was never in better health farther, and fare worse." in my life." The merriment which ensued removed whatever tendency there might have been CHOICE OF A RELIGION. to a want of unanimity. ONE day when walking along A FRIEND IN COURT, a street in Cork, he met two of his friends, Rev. Mr. Flack, a As might be supposed, Curran Protestant clergyman, and Mr. and O'Leary could not come in Solomons, a Jew, arm in arm, contact without experiencing and earnestly discussing some respect and friendship for each subject. Making inquiry con­ other. Once in their uncon­ cerning the subject matter of strained, after-dinner chat, the the debate, Mr. Flack answered: Counsellor exclaimed to the " A ridiculous subject indeed it Friar, " Reverend Father, I wish MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 6i you were St. Peter."—"And few prods on sensitive portions why so. Counsellor ? "—" Be­ of his frame, and these brought cause, being master of the keys, out a succession of angry sounds, you might let me in."—" I de­ which the priest recognised as clare to you, that it were better fearful curses delivered in Irish. for you if I had the keys of the He slipped out, called on the other place in my possession, mayor, and informed him that a for then I could let you out." live Irishman was at the moment exhibiting as a bear in such a THE BEAR THAT SPOKE place. Both gentlemen pro­ ceeded at once to the exhibition, IRISH. and the priest approaching the ONCE, as Father O'Leary was performing animal as near as returning home from St. Omers, was convenient, asked him in he made a short stay at Bou- his own vernacular, " How are logne-sur-Mer. Taking a pro­ you, Paddy ? {Cionas tha thu) ?" menade he was induced by a and was promptly, perhaps in­ placard to visit a booth v/here advertently, answered, "Well, I the most wonderful bear ever thank you {Thaim go maith/ heard of was being exhibited. go raibh maith aguth)." The The exhibition was well worth questioner then turned to the the few sous paid for admission. civic chief, and reported pro­ gress, and poor Pat was in a Bruin would write with his paw very short time uncased from on the sanded floor the hour of his bearish envelope by a handy the day, would bow his head, practitioner brought by the and lay his right paw on his mayor. According as his breast when bade to pay his human form went on develop­ respects to any well-looking ing itself more and more in its woman, would execute a step or primitive nakedness, the female two on his hind legs, throw up portion of the audience began to his fore legs, and cry, " Vive le decamp, and very soon a suit­ Rod" as well as any bear in able covering had to be provided Europe. After executing some for the poor fellow. His story things wonderful in their way, was soon told. The sailors, his he began to get tired of the ex­ present masters, had found him hibition, lay down in a sulky floating in the Bay of Biscay on mood, and would do nothing, a hen-coop, which he had fortu­ though spoken to in a very nately made his own when ship­ angry fashion. His exhibitor, wrecked. He could only speak seeing threats in vain, spoke Irish, and they French. They kindly to him, and he conde­ gave him food, and otherwise scended to give a few more treated him well, and as the proofs of his capacity; but all at ship neared the coast they once ceased to perform, and planned the exhibition. The would not budge for threat or mayor obliged them to furnish entreaty. This so vexed his their discharged servant with a master that he administered a MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES, easonable sum for his services; most delightful scenes that con­ nd so by means of this and the versation ever exhibited." riar's good offices, Pat was re- When in London his company tored to the arms of family and was much sought after. On one riends in Kerry. occasion he had received three There is another variety of or four invitations from families liis story extant. A gentleman living in the same street, and f Munster being at an exhibi- had accepted one. But when lon in London, the chief attrac- the day and hour arrived, he lon of which centred in a savage had completely forgotten to rom " The Cannibal Islands," which of the families he had ;ho ate raw beef, shook his given his promise. A simple pear in a vicious fashion, and but ingenious mode of getting elled most diabolically, heard out of the difficulty soon sug­ rish words very intelligibly pro- gested itself to his active mind. ounced in the vociferations of He called at one of the houses, ae terrible performer, and fan- and asked the servant if Rev. ied he recognised the voice, Mr. O'Leary had arrived. He doming within whispering dis- said " No," and gave no other mce of the savage, he uttered sign of recognition. The same 1 a low tone, " Maurice, what fortune attended his call to re you disgracing your family another house, but at the third jr in this way?"—"• Eisth, eisth hall door he had the pleasure of A^hist), Master Edward," said hearing, " Mr. O'Leary has not e ; "I am providing for the come as yet, but is expected ext half-year's rent that's to be every moment." Of course the aid to the master" (young Ed- haven was reached. 'ard's father to wit). Charles Butler in his historical lemoirs thus speaks of our sub­ DALKEY AND ITS KING, let:— "In the countenance of Father OUR book would be a mis­ )'Leary there was a mixture of nomer if it did not contain a oodness, solemnity, and drol- record, however slight, of the ;ry, which fixed every eye that annual solemnity connected with eh eld it. No one was more the little desert isle in Dublin enerally loved and revered, no Bay, so zealously celebrated, and ne less unassuming or more so numerously attended towards leasing in his manner. Seeing the end of last century. The is external simplicity, persons only events worth recording of 'ith whom he was arguing were the kingdom, and its facetious ometimes tempted to treat him parliament and king, all took avalierly, but then the solemn- place on the day which wit­ y with which he would mystify nessed the resignation of his is adversary, and ultimately majesty and his re-election for ;ad him into the most distress- the ensuing year. In the youth ig absurdity, was one of the of Thomas Moore he had the MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES, 63 good fortune to assist at one siderable space was devoted to solemnity at least. About noon the chronicling of the great on Sunday, the king and parlia­ events of the day under the ment, and a select portion of his heading of " The Dalkey Ga­ subjects, got into their boats, zette." It related in mock-heroic and sailed to the lonely island, style how the regal flotilla, on but the larger number went by its voyage from Ringsend to every conceivable kind of ve­ Dalkey, exchanged powder salu­ hicle, noddies and shandrydans tations with two ships of the included, and occupied the shore sovereign's august brother, the opposite the isle. The expanse King of England, and how duti­ of turf, heath, and rocks which ful offerings of rabbits, cockles, then afforded convenience for and mushrooms were made as strolling about, resting, or pic­ the fleet held on its way, by his nicking is now covered with dutiful subjects of Lambay, and houses and gardens. Nothing his right loyal holy knights of could be more cheerful in ap­ Magee. pearance than the crowded roads On landing (we abridge the and encampments, the gaily- account in the Gazette), his ma­ decked barges and their well- jesty held a levee, at which dressed crews, and the grey and attended the chief nobility of green surface of the isle, dotted the kingdom (of Dalkey, be it here and there, and in places understood), together with illus­ enlivened by the presence of trious foreigners from Bullock, the pleasure-seeking, eager, and Dunleary (afterwards Kings­ gaily-attired citizens. town), Howth, and other parts During the progress of the of the neighbouring continent. state barge and its accompany­ His majesty next approached ing flotilla, some salvos of artil­ the throne of state (a rock), pre­ lery were discharged along shore. ceded by the lord mayor, and The monarch, who boasted of supported by the lord chancellor the ever-renewed elections, was and primate, but modestly de­ Stephen Armytage, a bookseller clining to ascend the kingly (but (Moore mentions him as a pawn­ rugged) seat, he laid his crown broker), whose august titles here and oak sceptre on the table, follow :—" His facetious Ma­ and addressed his lieges. Then jesty, Stephen the First, King followed an amicable strife, the of Dalkey, Emperor of the king urging the choice of a suc­ Muglins (neighbouring islet cessor, the lord chancellor de­ rocks), Prince of the Holy Is­ precating such condescension to land of Magee, Elector of Lam- the mob, but the contest con­ bay and Ireland's Eye, Defender cluding with the king-at-arms, of his own faith, and respecter preceded by a herald, passing of all others, Sovereign of the through the assembly, announc­ illustrious Order of the Lobster ing the resignation of his ma­ and Periwinkle." jesty, and directing them to In the Morjting Post a con­ choose a successor. Then there 64 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. was an unanimous acclaim for At the conclusion of the fes­ the resumption of his crown by tivities, the arch-druid pro­ their beloved monarch, Stephen nounced the following ominous I. The coronation took place, benediction :— and King Stephen took oath " The blessing of the beggar over a bowl of grog, that he and the clerk of the Crown would maintain festivity and jus­ attend you in all your adven­ tice among his beloved subjects. tures in this life, and the last Lord Minikin next proclaimed prayer of the Recoi-der and of that his majesty was ready to all the Judges of the Crown Cir­ hear any complaints from his cuit attend you in the next! " loyal people, and a deputation While the appeals and com­ from the Order of the Periwinkle plaints were going on (Toler, presented themselves, and im­ afterwards Lord Norbury) was peached the lord chancellor for accused, as second sergeant, with sundry corrupt practices. He making puns from the bench as defended himself, and alleged arguments against the prisoner's the absence of several witnesses life, but being now absent in (unpopular members of the another kingdom to fight a duel, Dublin Corporation by the way) he could not appear to answer as a reason for postponing his for himself trial. A delay was granted. On the coronation day which Other impeachments succeeded, Moore enjoyed, Incledon, the and under the shelter of the great singer of sea songs was sham process, unpopular mea­ knighted under the title of Sir sures and unpopular folk in Charles Melody. Moore tried povi'er were held up to public his prentice hand on a birthday dislike and contempt. A quasi- ode to King Stephen, a couple religious ceremony, presided of verses of which have been over by the arch-druid (a really preserved:— objectionable feature in the general proceedings) succeeded, ''Thou rid'st not, prisoned in a metal coach, and then the procession formed To shield from thy anointed head. to gain the banquetting hall. Bullets of a kindred lead. Marbles, and stones, and such hard­ Before the lord mayor sat down hearted things. to meat, he and his corporation ***** aped the ceremony of "riding " George has of wealth the dev'l and all; Him we may king of diamonds call. the franchises," throwing the But thou hast such persuasive arts. javelin into the sea, &c. At the We hail thee, Stephen, king of hearts." beginning of the feast a pleni­ potentiary from the Duke of " On the very morning after Bullock arrived with a present the celebration at which I was of potatoes, ready boiled, to eke present, there appeared in the out the kingly entertainment. newspaper which acted as his These were graciously accepted, majesty's state gazette, a highly and knighthood conferred on humorous proclamation, offer­ the ambassador. ing a reward of I know not how many hundred Cronbanes MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 65 (Irish halfpence) to whatsoever once gave the full benefit of his person might have found, and unbounded hospitality to an would duly restore his Majesty's English gentleman of mark in crown, which, in walking home his own country. He seemed from Dalkey the preceding thoroughly sensible of the good night, and measuring both man's attention and kindness, sides of the road, according to and returned the compliment in custom, he had unfortunately this manner :— let fall from his august head." " Soon after, O'Meara for the {Mefnoii'S of Thomas Moore, first time visited London, and vol. i.) being a total stranger there, was Lord Chancellor Fitzgibbon well pleased one day to see his took little pleasure in the pro­ English acquaintance walking ceedings of the Dalkey Govern­ on the other side of Bond ment. In fact, as the baleful Street. So he immediately " Ninety - eight " approached, crossed over, and with out­ he began to look upon monarch stretched hand declared how and ministers as decided mal­ delighted he was to see him. contents. To obtain certain The gentleman was walking information he invited Mr. with a group of high aristocratic O'Meara, one of the dignitaries, caste, and dressed in the utmost and a personal acquaintance, to propriety of costume; and when a conference, and this dialogue he saw a wild-looking man with followed :— soiled leather breeches, dirty " You are, I understand, con­ top boots, not over-clean linen, nected with the kingdom of nor very close-shaven beard, striding up to him with a whip Dalkey?" in his hand, and the lash " I am, my lord." twisted under his arm, he " May I ask what title you started back, and, with a look are recognised by ?" of cold surprise, said,— " I am Duke of Muglins." "And what post do you " Sir, you have the advantage hold under the Government ?" of me." " Chief Commissioner of the " I have, sir," said O'Meara, Revenue." looking coldly at him for a mo­ " What are your emoluments ment, " and I'll keep it too," in right of your office ? " and turned from him with a " I am allowed to import ten look of supreme contempt, thousand hogsheads duty free." which the other did not think " Hogsheads of what, Mr. it prudent to notice." {Ireland Commissioner?" Sixty Years Ago; by the late " Of salt water, my lord." Right Hon. J. E. Walsh, Master The lord asked no more ques­ of the Rolls.) tions. Though we feel the reverse of The same hospitable attorney, respect for the ungrateful guest, who probably served for type the Irish host, who lavished to Mr. Lever's Paul Roo?tey, much beyond what ordinary F MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. good nature and politeness re­ nately followed it. Some of the quired, had little to complain overtaken guests were stretched of Some of our Irish small supine and unconscious on gentry think no sacrifice too chairs, others to the full as un­ great to make to an English­ conscious on the floor, and man of rank, when he conde­ among these lay the piper, rather scends to notice them, or share better cared for than his com­ their hospitality. panions. He lay like Cameron of Lochiel, " with his back to the UNPLEASANT RESULTS OF field, and his face to the"— rafters, a table-cloth laid de­ A DEBAUCH, cently over his breast, his IN Sir Jonah Barrington's chanter, music-bag, and bellows " Personal Recollections," he neatly disposed thereon, and gives a striking and melancholy, five or six candles, now burnt to but probably fanciful, illustra­ the sockets, keeping watch at tion of the excessive self-indul­ the sides. All this, however, gence of his countrymen, gentle was only the semblance of a and simple, toward the close of genuine wake. Various un­ last century. Paying a visit to musical sounds proceeding from his brother at Castle Durrowthe the mouth and nose announced day after the commencement of the presence of latent life in the a festival, intended to be a long man of the pipes. one, he found the relics of the In due time he came to a por­ last evening's entertainment in tion of his senses, and was sad disorder, the bones being borne unharmed from the scene generally well picked by the of his defeat by a couple of "tall dogs, after their masters had fellows;" but the two individuals done their worst on them. The reposing on chairs, and trusting walls, not having received their their heads to the soft plaster, last coat of plaster till the morn­ had not equal good luck. The ing of the previous day, were great heat of the room producing still in a damp and comfortless its natural effect on the inter­ condition. A certain Mr. Joseph mingling mass of human hair Kelly, and a certain Mr. Peter and plaster, made one dry and Alley, were found in a drunken compact body of them, and the sleep, each man seated on a two misguided men, raising chair, and each man's head re­ themselves at the call to break­ clining against the lately plas­ fast, found such a painful impe­ tered wall. diment at the backs of their The piper of the party had had heads that they roared out, and, the ill-fortune of coming into the in newspaper phrase, threw the world half a century or so be­ whole company into the utmost fore Father Mathew. The alarm and confusion. A person company whom he had been would think that a chisel, aided entertaining had set him a bad by taps from a hammer, and example, and he had unfortu­ thus making a circular dent on MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 67 the dry plaster round the space ' To buy the Fair,' says he, of communication, would tend ' And all that's there,' says he. to separate the retaining portion (Dick Hennessy loquitur), of the wall; but some of the ' Arra.h pay what you owe,' said he, company had read the modus ' And then you may go,' says he, ' To Timahoe,' says he, operandi resorted to by Hanni­ ' To buy the Fair,' says he, bal to detach masses of rock ' And all thaf s there,' says he. among the Alps, so they set new (Flinter sees his error). milk, melted butter, and finally ' Well, by this and by that,' said he, hot vinegar at work, but with ' Dick, hang up my hat,' says he.'" indifferent success. Finally scissors and oyster-knives This honest man, who ruined clumsily wrought the deliver­ himself by dint of making great ance of the heads from the bargains, was one of Sir Jonah wall, at the expense of some Barrington's early acquaint­ portions of the scalp. ances.

HOW TOMFLINTER WOULD A TAIL BADLY ADAPTED HAVE BOUGHT UP A TO THE BODY. WHOLE FAIR. SIR FREDERICK FLOOD, MR. THOMAS FLINTER, of member for Wexford in the Timahoe (Co. Carlow), specu­ Irish Parliament, was subject, lated so largely in cattle of while delivering a speech, to every description that all his the awkwardness of introducing possessions finally centered in into it any observation whispered one plain-spoken, faithful ser­ to him in his ear. " He was once vant, called Dick Hennessy. making a long speech in the As his property diminished, his Parliament House, lauding the debts increased; but once getting transcendent merits of the Wex­ some moderate sum of money in ford magistracy on a motion for his possession, he was about extending the criminal jurisdic­ starting for the fair to invest in tion in that county. As he was horns and hoofs, when a lucky closing a most turgid oration by diversion was made by his more declaring that the said magis­ judicious servant. Ned, the dog- tracy ought to receive some stealer, thus recorded the con­ signal mark of the Lord Lieu­ ference. Ned, though not trust­ tenant's favour, John Egan, who worthy in transactions where was sitting behind him, and meuin and tuum had not a rather mellow, jocularly whis­ common interest, was considered pered, ' And be whipped at the a great poet. cart's tail.' 'And be whipped " Dick,' said he, at the cart's tail,' repeated Sir 'What?' said he, Frederick, unconsciously, amidst ' Fetch me my hat,' says he, ' For I will go,' says he, peals of uncontrollable laughter." ' To Timahoe,' says he. {Personal Recollections of Sir F 2 68 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. Jonah Barrington, Routledge, of laughable bulls, he was much 1869.) respected by his contemporaries as a well-bred gentleman, punc­ TWO PROFESSORS OF THE tilious, brave, and honourable. LONG BOW. He held the office of Gentleman Usher at the Irish Court, and SIR RICHARD MUSGRAVE, discharged his duties to the author of the least trustworthy satisfaction of every one with history of the Insurrection of whom his functions brought him " 98 " ever published, after im­ in contact. He himself attri­ patiently listening to a Munc­ buted most of his shortcomings hausen story told by Sir John or overdoings to having been Stuart Hamilton, expressed his obliged by his lady (eldest disbelief in unparliamentary daughter of Sir John Cave) to phrases, though both gentlemen read with care "Gibbon's De­ belonged to the big house in cline and Fall of the Roman College Green. Sir John, much Empire." This terrible compo­ irritated, as there were strangers sition had a more baleful effect in the room, asserted on his on him than even on the good word that the fact was as he Mr. Boffin himself " He was had stated it. Again Sir so cruelly puzzled, without being Richard repeated his unbelief, in the least amused, that in his and Sir John exclaimed in cups he often stigmatised the anger, " You say you don't historian as a low fellow, who believe my word ? " ought to have been kicked out " I can't believe it," replied of company wherever he was, Sir Richard. for turning people's thoughts " Well, then," said Sir John, away from their prayers and " if you won't believe my word I their politics, to what the devil must only give it you under my himself could make neither head hand," and at the moment he nor tail of" {Sir Jonah.) clenched his great fist. " The witticism raised a gene­ Sir Boyle Roche took some ral laugh, in which the parties credit to himself when in com­ themselves joined, and in a pany from the fact of Sir John moment all was good humour. Cave having given him his eldest But the company condemned daughter to wife. Curran was both the offenders—Sir John for somewhat wearied with his telling a he, and Sir Richard for harping on this string, and on not believing it—to the payment occasioh of a certain repetition of two bottles of hock each," of it, observed, " Aye, Sir Boyle, {Sir Jonah.) and depend on it, if he had had an older one still he would have given her to you." The slightly A FEW OF SIR BOYLE hen-pecked man took the jest in ROCHES BEST. good part, for his lady (with THOUGH Sir Boyle Roche is respect to herself) was no lover chiefly remembered as an issuer nor student of dates. MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 6g A tax proposed by Govern­ men," added he, " may titther. ment was recommended by the and titther, and titther, and minister as one not likely to may think it a bad measure, but press on the people for years to their heads at present are hot, come. It was opposed on the and will so remain till they ground of the injustice of im­ grow cool again, and so they posing a burden on posterity. can't decide right now. But Sir Boyle, a zealous supporter when the day of judgnieni of the Irish Government, ex­ comes, then honourable gentle­ claimed in indignation against men will be satisfied at this this view of the case, " ' What, most excellent union. Sir, there Mr. Speaker !' said he, ' and so is no Levitical degrees between we are to beggar ourselves for nations, and on this occasion I fear of vexing posterity ! Now can see neither sin nor shame I would ask the honourable in marrying our own sister." gentleman, and this more ho­ The right-minded member nourable House, why we should was naturally most indignant put ourselves out of our way to at the proceedings of the do anything for posterity ? for Parisian Jacobins, and seldom what has posterity done for omitted an opportunity of ex­ us ?' " pressing his hatred and con­ The good man, expecting tempt of them. On one occasion serious applause, rather than he thus aired his indignation :— the burst of laughter which " If we once permitted the greeted his profound theory, villanous French masons to was somewhat disconcerted, meddle with the buttresses and and began to explain. " ' He walls of our ancient constitution, assured the House that by they would never stop nor stay, posterity he did not at all mean sir, till they brought the founda­ our ancestors, but those who tion stones tumbling down about were to come immediately after the ears of the nation. If these them.' Upon hearing this ex­ Galilean villains should invade planation, it was impossible to us, sir, 'tis on that very table, do any serious business for half maybe, these honourable mem­ an hour." bers might see their own desti­ Sir Boyle, as a Government nies lying in a heap atop of one partizan, felt himself obliged to another. Here, perhaps, sir, act contrary to his natural in­ the 'Marshal-law (Marseillais) stincts, and speak in support of men would break in, cut us to the union. By degrees he be­ mince-meat, and throw our came persuaded of the justice bleeding heads on that table to of his arguments, and on one stare us in the face." occasion felt much annoyance Sir Boyle's axiom, that the at the suppressed laughter best way to avoid danger was which greeted his flowery pic­ to meet it plump, was not only ture of the happiness which the the opinion of a generous measure would bring. " Gentle­ nature, but with little trouble 70 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. might be shown to possess the express his loyalty less sublime true quality of wit. Wit, as we than these, " I stood prostrate at know, presents a striking har­ the feet of my sovereign." He mony of ideas, which, at first also held up to the ridicule of blush, appear to have nothing the House " the man who had in common, while a bull residts turned his back on himself" in the complete discrepancy of In his sympathy with his ideas apparently in unison. We kind he lamented " that single shall not here impose on our misfortunes never come alone, readers a treatise on wit, and that the greatest of all pos­ humour, and blunders. " The sible misfortunes is generally Decline and Fall of the Roman followed by a greater." If his Empire" never inflicted such proposal " that the quart mea­ desolation on poor Sir Boyle sure should contain a quart of Roche, as the perusal of a pro­ liquor" be a bull, may the found essay on the above im­ breed increase ! His directions palpable " notions" did on to the shoemaker to make one ourselves some few years since. shoe larger than the other, and his reproach when they were SOME BOVINE REMARKS, brought home, that, instead of that, one was smaller than the PROBABLY NOT SIR other, "were matched by an inci­ BOYLE'S. dent which occurred to the THE following grave blunders present writer's knowledge. are attributed, perhaps with The right leg of Pat Behan's little justice, to our hero. The leather breeches got much wet reader may take them at their one day, while he was leading value. a team of ploughing horses, One of his famous union the left leg remaining nearly speeches concluded with this dry. On comparing the state pithy remark, " Sir, this excel­ of the article when the day's lent union will convert our work was over, he found the barren hills into fruitful valleys." wet leg about four inches longer In another speech directed than the other. " I tell God's against the Jacobins, he thus truth," said he, " one of my took liberties with figures of maas * is longer nor the other. speech, " Sir, I smell a rat. I But I'll soon remedy that." see him floating in the air ; but, Accordingly, taking a scissors, mark me, I shall yet nip him in he cut as much off the wet leg the bud." as put the lower extremities of Hearing that Admiral Howe both on a line. The wearable was in search of the French, he was left near the fire overnight, expressed his conviction that " he would sweep the Gallic * A familiar name for sheep, and, by a fleet off the face of the earth." country figure of speech, for breeches made of the skin of the animal. Pat mcorrectly On another occasion he could uses the word here for the leg of the small avail himself of no words to clothes. MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 71 but when he drew it on his John Stuart Hamilton at­ limbs next morning, and saw tempted to make a timely his left knee entirely uncovered, retreat, all arose with one ac­ he dismally exclaimed, " Oh, cord at the signal given by goodness! one of my maas some one,—" Stop Sir John isn't longer nor the other now, Stop him ! The bonne bouche but one is shorter nor the the bonne bouche!" and other." pressed on his flying footsteps Alas, the fugitive had taken the A CHRISTIAN TURK. wrong door, and in a few mo­ ments he and his pursuers were PUBLIC baths were first esta­ floundering about in a cold salt­ blished in Dublin about a water tank, or clinging to the hundred years since by a portly brink. The unfortunate host Mussulman, upwards of six feet on returning found the dining- high, with handsome features, hall waste, but the adjoining and an agreeable expression bath-room well peopled with his diffused over them. He spoke ill-advised and shouting guests, English well, styled himself All were extracted, dried, put in Achmet Borumborad, M.D., Turkish habiliments, and, wher made many friends by his these failed, swathed in blankets pleasing manners, built the They were conveyed to theii baths, bestowed great skill and repective homes, and specially care on their management,bathed attended to by their medical and attended to the poor gratis, prot^gd But the report of the gave universal satisfaction, and accident, much modified for the obtained a yearly parliamentary worse, got abroad, and flung ar grant which he conscientiously air of ridicule over the doctoi laid out on the object for which and his baths. Some ill-natured it was intended. wags even asserted that Achmec had attempted to drown nine­ It was the doctor's custom to teen members of parliament entertain a select number of his because they would not pro­ parliamentary friends and sup­ mise to vote for him. porters every season, and this he did in excellent style, the Parliamentary grants were nc best viands, the best wines, and more to be thought of Any ap­ the best singers in the metropo­ plication would be sure to be re­ lis being procured for the occa­ ceived with a burst of laughter sion. The last time of his and the poor doctor had latel) patrons assembling, the doctor made some additions to his esta­ and his butler quitted the festive blishment on the strength of his hall towards the end of the enter­ expectations. In this strail tainment, tobringupsomebottles he bethought of bringing to z of his choicest wines to crown close a courtship which hac the symposium. All had already been in progress for some time imbibed a sufficiency of the His Dulcinea was a pretty, ane doctor's nectar, and when Sir as good as pretty, little woman 72 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. sister to a certain surgeon Har- ment of the city-watch, of the tigan, and mistress of a good highest importance. In a speech property. She was well dis­ once made at the Assembly posed to the estimable Turk, House, he used the following but had over and over protested remarkable expressions :— to him that she would never " This, my friends, is a sub­ consent to be his bride, till he ject neither trifling nor obscure; had renounced Mahomet, and the character of our corporation his Koran, and his own style of is at stake on your decision. costume, and his flowing beard. Recollect, brother freemen, re­ He now wrote to her announ­ collect," continued he, "that the cing his resolve to become a eyes of all Europe are upon Christian for her sake, and beg­ us!" ging her to bring his sufferings to an end. Next day a gentle­ AN ELECTION DECIDED man, name not mentioned, was announced, and in the tall, BY A SWEEP. handsome, close-shaved, sable- QuANN'S coach - house, in clothed visitor she was just Talbot Street, is still occasion­ able to recognise her Turkish ally called " Beresford's Riding lover. " But have you changed House." There in the awful your belief as easily as your year of 1798, under the patron­ appearance ?"said the lady, when age of John Beresford, many a the first surprise was over. person suspected or convicted "D a change was I obliged of disloyalty, was savagely tor­ to make," said he ; "I have tured. So bad a character rested never been otherwise than a on the building, that some Dub­ Christian, and am your own lin wits, taking the opportunity countryman, my darling—Pat­ of a favourable night, fastened rick Joyce, of Kilkenny." She was on the entrance a signboard easily persuaded to pardon the with the inscription, " Mangling deception, and became his wife done here, by J. Beresford and with little delay. The brave Co." doctor paid his way, and kept Some years later, John Beres­ his engagements like an honest ford and Sir Jonah Barrington man ; but the baths lost their were rival candidates for the re­ prestige. presentation of the city of Dublin. The votes being nearly balanced, IMPORTANCE OF THE OLD it was in the power of a Mr. CORPORATION. Horish (Corish ?) to put victory into the hands of his favourite ; A CERTAIN Mr. Willis, a he had the disposal of the votes breeches-maker of Dame Street, of sundry sable-faced gentlemen and a member of the old Cor­ as well as his own. " Let me poration, considered everything see," said the important man ; connected with their proceed­ ^'•who shall I vote for? I'm ings, and especially the manage­ very hard to please, gentlemen, MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 73 I assure you. Fair and easy," up in life the great Mr. Hollo- said he, as the rival candidates way. pressed. " Don't hurry a man," To Dublin citizens Aldbo­ and he looked earnestly at his rough House is a familiar object. suitors. " I know that honest It has been a barrack since it fellow will vote for me," said was a Feinaglian seminary, but Beresford, completely forgetful it was originally a lordly man­ of Mr. Horish having once ex­ sion, one of the wings being a perienced the smarting hospi­ church, the other a theatre. In tality of the lash and the triangle the end of last century its lord in his riding-house. " Indeed, was a party in a suit tried before he will not," answered Sir Jonah; Lord Clare, his opponent being " eh, Horish?" Still silence and Mr. Beresford, a nephew of the reserve on the voter's part. " I'll judge ; and judgment went lay you a rump and dozen," against him with full costs. He exclaimed Beresford, " on the appealed to the House of Lords, matter." " You'll lose that where Clare as Lord Chancellor same rump and dozen, Mr. presided, and was defeated Beresford. 'Twas many a dozen again, as he might have ex­ you gave me in the riding- pected. house ; and if ever I have the Lord Aldborough took his honour of meeting you up a revenge by writing a book in chimney, depend on it, Mr. which Lord Clare and Irish Beresford, I'll treat you with all appellant jurisdiction were se­ the civility in my power. Come, verely handled, and acknow­ boys, poll away for the coun­ ledged he might have acted sellor." more wisely after what had hap­ It was during this election, pened to him in Holland. The which lasted fifteen days (O captain of a trekschuyt (packet the good old times !), that Gif- boat) having charged him fard, proprietor of the Dublin about twice the lawful fare, he Journal, was so crushed under made his complaint before the the sledge hammer of Grattan's sitting manistrate when the boat vituperation, that he had merely reached Amsterdam ; but when strength enough to whimper he had about half stated his out, " Oh, I could spit on him case, he discovered under the in a desert." broad-brimmed hat of the judge the rascally skipper, who at A DELECTABLE TRIAL once decided against him with BEFORE THE LORDS. costs, and ordered him to quit the court. He would not be so As fine an instance of sang cheated. He went to an advo­ froid and self-complacency as cate, put himself into his hands, has ever been related, was ex­ attended in court next day, and hibited by Lord Aldborough, the skipper and judge, rolled father or grandfather to that into one, pronounced his defeat nobleman whose sore leg set a second time. In his printed 74 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. book the parallel between Myn­ once spiritedly and adroitly said heer and Fitzgibbon stood pro­ that he avowed every word of it minent, and the Irish peers to their lordships ; but that it accordingly cited the author to was not intended as a libel appear before them, and answer either against the House or the for this gross breach of privi­ jurisdiction, but as a constitu­ lege. The rest shall be told in tional and just rebuke to their the words of Sir Jonah Bar­ lordships, for not performing rington. their bounden duty in attending " The Chancellor, holding the to hear the appeal, he being vicious book in his hand, asked quite certain that if any sensible Lord Aldborough if he admitted men had been present, the Lord that it was of his writing and Chancellor would only have had publication, to which his lord­ two lords and two bishops (his ship replied, that he could admit own creatures) on his side of the nothing as written or published question." by him till every word of it This onlymade matters worse, should first be truly read to and the poor lord was subse­ their lordships aloud in the quently committed to Newgate House. Lord Clare, wishing to for six months. curtail some parts, began to read it himself; but not being near JUDGE HENN'S EMBAR­ enough to the light, his oppo­ RASSMENT. nent took a pair of enormous candlesticks from the table, AMONG judicial memoranda walked deliberately up to the of the days of Lord Clare and throne, and requested the Chan­ Lord Clonmel, a legal puzzle cellor's permission to hold the which much disturbed Mr. candles for him while he was Justice Henn is worth mention. reading the book. This novel While on circuit a civil bill sort of effrontery put the Chan­ question was determinedly cellor completely off his guard. argued by two young barristers, He was outdone, and permitted equally self-complacent, and Lord Aldborough to hold the equally intent on showing off. lights while he perused the libel, At the point when nothing more comparing him to a Dutch could be possibly said on either skipper; nor did the obsequious side, they appealed to the judge author omit to set him right for his decision. " How, gentle­ here and there, when he omitted men," said the puzzled man, a word or proper emphasis. It "can I settle it between you? was ludicrous beyond example, You say positively that the law and gratifying to the secret ill- is one way, and you (turning to wishers of Lord Clare, who bore the other) as strongly assert no small proportion to the that it is the other way; (then aggregate number of the House. aside to his registrar, who sat The libel being duly read below him) I wish to heaven, through, Lord Aldborough at Billy Harrison, I knew what the MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 75 law really is." " My lord," said and equity, to tell the court Billy, respectfully rising, and whether he were drunk or sober casting a look of sympathy on at the time. " Oh, quite sober, his chief, " if I knew what the my lord," said Grady, glancing law was, I would tell your lord­ at the inkstand ; " as sober as a ship with a great deal of plea­ judge." sure." "Then we'll save the point, AN INGENIOUS DEVICE OF Harrison," exclaimed the judge. JUDGE PATTERSON. " What point, my lord ? " said Billy. THIS gentleman, who was as expert at the sword in duelling exercises as he was averse to A LITTLE FOIBLE OF ofl&cial labour, was once engaged JUDGE BOYD'S. on circuit business with Baron Dawson, whom we have already ON the authority of Daniel mentioned in connection with O'Connell we learn that this the great musical composer, contemporary of Curran and Turloch O'Carolan. One being Henn and Fitzgibbon and John as well inclined as the other to Scott (Lord Clonmel) found it escape, if possible, the drudgery out of the question to get before them, for the calendar through his judicial labours was a heavy one, they adopted without help from "drops of a plan which a circuit-going brandy." A vessel containing judge of modern times, however that liquor, but resembling a lazy, would hardly venture on. large office ink-bottle, was on "Mr. Registrar," said the his desk, so was the end of a chief, " call out the cases, begin­ large quill, and by simply laying ning at the end." " Eh, my his left arm down flat, and open­ lord ?" " Begin at the end, I ing a communication by means repeat," " O'Regan against of the quill between the fluid Riordan," sung out the regis­ and his mouth as he stooped trar. " O'Regan against Rior­ h::; head, he satisfied his want, dan," repeated the crier. No and hoped to escape observa­ response. " Go on;" and a few tion. more cases in a retrograde order One day while the counsel on were proclaimed. " No appear­ one side was labouring hard to ance," remarked the judge; prove that a witness then under "cross out these cases, Mr, examination had been intoxi­ Registrar." That astonished cated on a certain occasion, and officer then proceeded to men­ the counsel on the other, Mr. tion half a dozen more, the Harry Deane Grady, as vigor­ parties to which had no expecta­ ously maintaining that such was tion of being called on for some not the case, Boyd feelingly days to come. These were ac­ addressed the man, and ex­ cordingly cancelled, and, by a horted him, in the name of law course of steady perseverance, 76 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. Mr, Registrar arrived at the brother, who readily put it on, first on the list. As was to be with a presentiment that it expected, the plaintiff and de­ would bring its former owner's fendant were in court, and luck to him. Wonderful to re­ their dispute was examined late. Sir Jonah asserted that he and settled. Judge Patterson throve like any bullrush or flag thanked the jury for their at­ from that moment, and at last tendance, and the praiseworthy was flung up on the bench, attention they had given to the evidence, and then complacently AN ANTI-JOHNSONIAN observed to his colleague, "Well, JUDGE. Brother Dawson, I think we have got through a vast deal of " The-owl, the fox, the badger, and the bat, business." By sweet reserve and modesty grow fat." SO sung poor William Blake, SIR JONAH PATRONISES the spiritual artist, who, if he JUDGE JOHNSON. had lived half a century later, would have been knighted by THE pleasant author of " Per­ Home or Houdin, and appointed sonal Recollections" asserts that Serjeant Painter to the spiritual­ the ordinary demeanour of Judge istic kingdom entire. He had Johnson was exceedingly dis­ only to form the wish, and the agreeable, but something so ghost of Julius Caesar, Nero, or genial in his angry moods, that Judas Iscariot presented itself he (Sir J.) and others frequently to be limned. No one who has combined to put him in a pas­ seen the outline of the blood­ sion. Counsellor Daly, once thirsty ghost of a flea, which he disparaging him when absent, once outlined, will ever forget was properly rebuked by Mr, it. Our quotation has sadly led Justice Jebb. " Why do you us out of our record. What we say such things of Mr. Johnson first intended to say was, that behind his back ? " " Because," however the case may be as considerately answered Daly, regards the animals in the " I would not-hurt his feelings motto, Judge Kelly rose from by saying them to his face." the bar to the bench by dint of good humour and agreeableness. Sir Jonah and Johnson were Not even the wrathful and dis­ intimate friends from their respectful mode in which John­ youth. When clothed in stuff, son (then a barrister) addressed Barrington mentions his own him was capable of ruffling his advancement as one of the most sedate temper. He angrily as rapid in the forensic annals, and much as told him that he was that of Johnson rather in the wrong, that all precedent was contrary direction. He tells against him, and that even he with much self-complacency that (Kelly) had twice before decided when he put on the gown of theotherway. "So,Mr.Johnson," silk, he jokingly offered the cast- said the judge, with a humour- off stuff to his badly favoured MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. n ous shrug of his shoulder, " be­ for the priesthood, but as he cause I decided wrong twice, considered that a successful Mr, Johnson, you'd have me do counseller's revenue exceeded so a third time. No, n-o, Mr, that of any parish priest of his Johnson, you must excuse me, time, he studied the law, ac­ I'll decide the other way this quired success, and put up bout," And so he did. money, of which he was perhaps Judge Kelly lost on the bench more fond and sparing than a the character for deep legal learned counsellor should be. knowledge which he had ob­ A certain person not favoured tained at the bar, but retained by fortune, yet anxious to in­ his reputation for honour, justice, dulge in a lawsuit, brought his and integrity. He used plea­ case and his fee direct to the santly to observe, " So they find counsellor, in order that he out now that I am not a very might be let off the easier, and staunch lawyer, I am heartily personally apologise for the glad that they had not acquired smallness of the offering. Fitz­ that information thirty years gibbon seemed the reverse of since," gratified by the sight of the The following apocryphal pas­ money, and the poor client, in sage ought to have happened in order to propitiate him, re­ court while he presided, but we marked, " I assure you, coun­ fear it did not, (The joke is sellor, I am ashamed of the Norbury's.) smallness of the fee, but it is all I have in the world." " Oh," Mr. Joy was senior counsel in said the lover of gold, " if it's all a certain suit, and Mr, Hope his you have in the world, why— junior, Mr. Joy was absent hem—I must take it." when his presence was required to open his client's case, and, after a little delay, the judge re­ LORD CLARE'S FUNERAL. quested Mr. Hope to do it. The THIS great law lord had but conscientious man requested for­ few friends among his country­ bearance for a while ; but the men, and for his great exertions while went by, and the senior to establish the Union he was put in no appearance. The judge poorly recompensed, as far as said that no further delay could honour and consideration were be allowed, but endeavoured to concerned, by the British Go­ console the conscientious junior vernment. In the English par­ by the soothing though sad quo­ liament his anti-national bursts tation— were received with coolness and " HOPE told a flattering tale even disapprobation, and his That JOY would soon return." disappointment is supposed to CONDESCENSION OF THE have shortened his life. Those LORD CHANCELLOR'S who had at heart to render his FA THER. funeral as imposing and large as LORD CLARE'S father (Fitz­ possible canvassed the mem­ gibbon) was originally intended bers of the bar individually ; for 78 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. doubts were entertained of the brine. Taking some credit to general feeling, owing to the himself for the invention, he number of personal enemies he once complacently expressed had made by his arrogance. himself thus to Kelleher,—" You The canvassers had little hope must own, Kelleher, that at least of a favourable reception from I preserved the county of Tip­ Counsellor Kelleher, a witty and perary," sarcastic man, who was well " Oh, faith you did, and known to have cherished un­ pickled it into the bargain." friendly feelings towards his The unfeeling Sir Judkin (a lordship, but they made the ex­ disgrace to his noble surname) periment nevertheless, would have afterwards suffered " You know, my dear fellow," in body and goods, only for a said the spokesman, Arthur Chi­ post facto indemnity bill brought chester MacCourtney (feeling in by Lord Castlereagh, his way cautiously), " that Lord It is to be feared that pickles Clare is to be buried to-morrow." had been united to preserves in " 'Tis generally the last thing bon mots even before Kelleher's done with dead chancellors," time, A member of the old said Kelleher coolly, Dublin corporation, an ex- " He'll be buried in St. Peter's," Italian and hairdresser, Bas- said the spokesman, segio by name, once excited a " Then he's going to a friend hearty laugh by connecting the of the family," said Kelleher; words without intention of exe­ " his father was a Papist," cuting a witticism or a bull. This created some merriment, He was standing at his shop in which the canvasser did not door in Exchequer (now Wick- join. So he continued, "The low) Street, his face as round as bar mean to go in procession. the moon, but much redder, and Have you any objection to attend he lazily smoking a meerschaum, Lord Clare's funeral, Mr, Kelle­ when a sudden flash of light­ her ?" ning, followed almost instantly " None at all," said Kelleher, by a rattling peal of thunder, "none at all, I shall certainly struck awe into the hearts of the attend his funeral with the people with whom he was con­ greatest pleasure imaginable." versing, " Oh, the Lord pre­ serve us !" ejaculated a woman The loyal and ultra-zealous standing near him, "And pick^/ Sir Judkin Fitzgerald, consider­ us thoo," responded the good ing that the cat-o'-nine tails of liver, removing the pipe for a itself, even though wielded by moment from between his lips, strong and willing arms, was capable of improvement in re­ A LEGAL EXCHANGE OF gard to the infliction of torture, CIVILITIES. got sundry of the instruments intended for the backs of the AMONG the witty members of Tipperary peasants soaked in the ante-Union bar was Mr. MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. n Caldbeck, K,C., a huge soul in she imagined the purchase and a diminutive body : he was setting up of a pier-glass in the about the size of Tom Moore, new home. Her lord had never One day, while engaged in a seen more than his head and legal contention with a brother neck reflected, and that only on of the bar of more than average shaving-days, and thought she, height, he pestered him so that " when he sees the fright he is he exclaimed, in real or assumed outwardly, he will surely amend anger, " You little vagabond, his exterior ways." She had if you don't be cautious, I'll put not however the precaution to you in my pocket." "When­ tell him what she had done, and ever you do," retorted Caldbeck, the result was unfortunate. " you will have more law in your The counsellor, coming for the pocket than ever you had in your first time into the room where head," the mirror had been placed, was dreadfully frightened by the ap­ pearance and hostile gestures of a savage advancing towards SELF-KNOWLEDGE DAN­ him. He uttered a loud cry, GEROUS AT TLMES. and dropped in a fit on the carpet. PRACTISING in the same The noise brought Mrs, Co­ courts with Curran and his naty and one or two others to brothers in silk and stuff was the spot; medical aid was imme­ a Mr. Conaty, resembling the diately procured, and a copious Tichborne claimant in his out­ bleeding brought the patient to ward man, and most negligent his senses. It was no easy thing of his appearance, but simple- at first to insense him of the un­ minded and kind-hearted. Many reality of the horrible figure a ludicrous treat he furnished to which had met his eye. If it the danglers about the courts, was not a monster in flesh and when, with unsuspended small­ blood, it must have been the clothes, stockings ungartered, devil. and beard of a few days' growth, And the devil it was to all in­ he would maintain an argument tents and purposes in the eyes with Lord Avonmore in the of Denis Brophy, the faithful richest brogue. old servant of Mr. Conaty ; but Mr. Conaty thought not of he consoled the afflicted woman marrying till he had seen his by the assurance that it was all maturity, and then he selected a a mistake on the part of old neatly dressed, tasty, affectionate horny. " You know, ma'am, little woman, and none could be that 'Torney C lives one side happier than the newly wedded, of us, and 'Torney D on the the only bitter drop in the bride's other. The old fellow was in cup being the uncouth and search of one or the both of slovenly appearance of her lov­ them, and just mistook the ing giant. To effect a reform, house." MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. despondence ; I returned home CURRAN'S FIRST FEE. almost in desperation. When I opened my study, where Lavater JOHN PHILPOT CURRAN was alone could have found a library, as small and as insignificant in the first object that presented appearance as Richard Shiel, itself was an immense folio of a but no one who ever had the brief, with twenty golden guineas opportunity of listening to and wrapped up beside it, and the looking at either man, when name of old Bob Lyons marked flinging abroad a torrent of elo­ on the back of it. I paid my quence, and marked the glow landlady, bought a good dinner, and animation which lighted up gave Bob Lyons a share of it, his countenance, could let either and that dinner was the starting- of these defects dwell on his point of my prosperity." imagination for a moment. Cur- Curran as vigorously defended ran's birth occurred at Newmar­ the political prisoners of the ket, in the county of Cork, on disastrous last years of the the 24th of July, 1750; his death eighteenth century as Sir Toby in London, October 14, 1817. Butler had defended those ob­ Curran in his youth was as noxious to the penal laws. Till improvident as some others of a comparatively late date it was his countrymen. He married thought that Leonard MacNally before he touched his first fee, was as sincere as Curran in his and was in straitened circum­ exertions to save croppies and stances when that first fee was their well-wishers from Tom brought to his house on Hog Galvin at Kilmainham, Alas ! Hill (now St. Andrew Street). it has transpired that the dis­ Mrs, Curran, being a barrister's honest counsellor regularly fur­ lady, considered that their land­ nished the government officials lady was taking undue liberty with the information which he when reminding her of arrears had obtained in confidence from of rent. The good woman felt the accused or their friends, and herself aggrieved by her tenant's thus rendered their escape hope­ airs, and freely aired her own less in most instances, displeasure. " I walked out one morning," A DOG ON THE BENCH. said the eloquent man at a later LORD CLARE and Curran date, " to avoid the perpetual entertained a strong dislike to altercations on the subject (of each other. The Chancellor, once rent), with my mind in no en­ learning that the barrister was viable condition. I fell into to plead in an important cause gloom, to which, from my in­ in the Court of Chancery, placed fancy, I had been occasionally his favourite Newfoundland dog subject, I had a family for at his feet, and paid more atten­ whom I had no dinner, and a tion to him than to the argu­ landlady for whom I had no ments of the counsellor. At rent. I had gone abroad in last his inattention became so MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. pointedly offensive that the called him to account, saying, pleader abruptly stopped his ' Mr, Curran, it would be well if harangue. " Go on, Mr. Curran, you were better on your guard go on," said the judge, " Oh, in what you say, for if not, you I beg a thousand pardons, my may forfeit your gown,' ' They lord. I really took for granted may take the gown, my lord, that your lordship was holding but they must leave the stuff a consultation." behind,' was the rejoinder."

CURRAN ON CARLETON. A LAW COURT DISTURBED BY A SWALLOW. LORD CARLETON, to whose lot it fell to pass sentence of LORD CARLETON presented a death on the brothers Sheares, striking contrast in demeanour would indulge his hearers with to Lord Clonmel (John Scott), a detail of the poor health he who would indulge in buffoonery, enjoyed, and other melancholy as well as fits of passion and circumstances connected with arrogance. In one of his dark his sojourn in this vale of tears. days he was so pressed by the " He never ceased," says Sir arguments, the eloquence, and Jonah Barrington, " to complain the wit of Curran, that he lost of the state of his health, and temper, and ordered the sheriffs frequently introduced Lady to be ready to take any one into Carleton into his book of lamen­ custody who would presump­ tations." tuously dare to fly in the face One day he entered the court of the court. A swallow at the encumbered with a more than moment happened to be exe­ ordinary load of woe, and apo­ cuting rapid flights over the logised to the legal gentlemen heads of the assembly in pur­ assembled for the necessity in suit of his favourite food, and which he stood of adjourning Curran, directing the officer's business for that day, though attention to the bird, said aloud, there was an important issue " Mr, Sheriff, there is the chief for trial; " for," added he, in a offender; take him into custody low tone, "poor Lady Carleton for showing his utter contempt has had dLfaussecouche, and " of court by flying in its face." " Oh, then, my lord," exclaimed This sally excited peals of Curran, "your lordship need laughter and restored good hu­ not have made any apology, as mour even on the bench, it appears that your lordship has no issue to try," CURRAN'S DUEL WITH Occasionally the judge could BULLY EGAN. be stern enough, " While Cur­ ran " (we quote Mr, Fitzpatrick) JOHN EGAN, Governor of " was defending the Sheares he Kilmainham. prison, and Judge warmed into indignant elo­ for the county of Dublin, had a quence, when Lord Carleton heart to match with his mighty G 82 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. size, and was as prone to cry stack, and I might as well be over any pitiable circumstance aiming at the edge of a knife as as Mrs". Gummidge herself, not­ at his thin carcase," "Well," withstanding his bullying de­ said Curran, " let the gentlemen meanour. He was as ready at chalk the size of my body on handling the pistols as he was your side, and let every ball at handing rehef to the dis­ hitting outside of that go for tressed. It seems strange that nothing," out of the numerous duels aris­ Lord Clare was far from being ing from quarrels in the house under the influence of the chi­ of parliament and the law courts, valrous spirit which prevailed so few deaths ensued. All were among his brothers of the courts men of undoubted courage, and or the parliament. In his duel all good shots. It can scarcely with Curran he took the most be accounted for, except on the deliberate aim, ground of the combatants being free from deadly hate when they came to the ground, and avoid­ A FEW OF CURRAN'S PUNS. ing to take aim at the vital parts. IT were to be wished that the Most of them went through the collectors of ANAS had left us process in compliance with the more ot Curran's genuine witty quasi-call of honour, and were hits and less of his puns. Our ready to shake hands with their readers must be content with opponents the moment it could what we possess, in the absence be done without injury to their of the better things lost, reputation. A person with whom he was Egan and the Master of the conversing, and who was very Rolls meeting at Donnybrook, precise in his pronunciation, the man of law expressed his cried out on one of the com­ honour satisfied after discharg­ pany, who had just cut down ing his pistol, and was walking curiosity into curosity, " Oh," away. But Egan cried out he said he in a low voice to Curran, was not satisfied without having " how that man murders the a shot at his honour. The in­ language ! " " Not exactly so tended victim returned to his bad," was the reply, "he has place, and Egan looked at him only knocked an / out of it," with attention. "After all," Once in cross-examining a said he, " I won't humour you, horse-jockey's servant, he asked nor be bothered killing you. him how old his master was, Come and shake hands, or go " I never put my hand in his to old Nick." mouth," was the appropriate Previous to his exchanging reply. The laugh of the assem­ shots with Curran, he directed bly went against the counsellor, the attention of the seconds to but he soon recovered his the odds which his opponent ground. " And veiy wisely you had over him. "He may hit acted, for by all accounts he is a me as easily as he would a hay­ great bite," MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES, 83 On another occasion a painter blow. If the thing happened to suffering under his hands, ack­ be done, the offender was bound nowledged that he had taken the (no apology being considered liberty of putting his arm round sufficient) to hand the stricken Derry, who in martial The result was a challenge guise joined the volunteers at sent to George through a Mr, the head of sundry of his clergy­ French, and George's challeng­ men similarly attired. This ing the messenger, who hap­ clever but eccentric dignitary, pened to be a gentleman, for considering himself not duly being the bearer. The pacific appreciated at home, travelled herald desired no better, and to Rome, associated in a most the duel took place in the par­ cordial fashion with nobles and lour of a public-house, Fitz­ cardinals, affected a modifica­ gerald fired first, and the bullet tion of Italian episcopal cos­ buried itself in the wainscoat. tume, and would on excursions French's shot was equally harm­ give his benediction to poor less, for he had forgotten the monks and peasants with such priming. George Robert would unction as edified and consoled not take his foe at disadvan­ the simple people. He probably tage ; he offered him his own hoped that he was in shelter powder-horn and requested him from any fault-finding embassy tio prime, and try his hand from the banks of the Foyle, again. The embarrassing situa­ but he reckoned without the tion was relieved by the bursting Irish episcopate. A solemn mis­ open of the door by the people sive came to him from beyond of the house. sea, conveying the reports to his discredit that were in circulation Through the course of his at home, respectfully requesting brief and stormy existence, Fitz­ an explanation, and urgently gerald exhibited numerous in­ exhorting him to return to the stances of fearlessness, gene­ arms of his flock. He gave the rosity, and punctilious honour, epistle his most serious atten­ more than counterbalanced, tion, began a stately answer in however, by ferocity, arrogance, approved and ceremonious style, and occasional fits of cruelty acknowledged the kind commu- and cowardice. MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES, 87 nication, began apparently to the least abashed, " in order to prepare for his apology or ex­ prevent the recurrence of such planation, wandered a little, accidents, I would simply recom­ and, alas! concluded in this mend you to get your mitre distressing fashion :— painted on your back," Had we lived seventy years earlier " Three blue beans in a blue bladder. we would much rather have had Rattle beans, rattle bladder, " BRISTOL AND DEREY," business with the genial Bishop of Derry than the ungenial AN ARCHBISHOP OF A Archbishop of Dublin. DIFFERENT STAMP. THE POLITE LORD OUR old acquaintance. Bully CHESTERFIELD. Egan, was not in many respects a model man; his wit was not EARL STANHOPE was not of a refined cast, his abuse of only the pink of politeness, but his opponents rather rough and a tolerant and *judicious go­ savage, but he was an honest vernor of Ireland during his public man. Rather than sup­ vice-royalty. When he came port the unpopular Union he here the Roman Catholics were refused the office of Baron of not allowed the liberty of meet­ the Exchequer, and ;^3,5oo a- ing in any building for the pur­ year. " He galloped," writes Sir pose of public worship, A large Jonah Barrington, " like a dray- number of them being collected horse over all his opponents, for the object of hearing mass plunging, and kicking, and over­ on the loft of a store in the throwing all before him." He neighbourhood of Bridge Street, died soon after in narrow cir­ the floor gave way under the cumstances. weight of the crowd, and about " Egan " — we quote from a hundred and thirty were killed. " The Sham Squire"—was fond The Lord-Lieutenant took ad­ of bathing at the Black Rock, vantage of the public sympathy One morning, having flung his to grant permission to the op­ enormous carcase into the water, pressed people to meet for wor­ he came into collision with some ship where they pleased, so that other person similarly employed, their chapels should not be in " Sir," exclaimed a mouth out of a street line nor furnished with the water, " I presume you are belfries. not aware against whom you The same learned and courtly have so rudely jostled," " I lord, intending probably to com­ didn't care if you were old pliment the people whom he Nick," replied Egan, flounder­ ruled, condescended to a prac­ ing about like a great sea mon­ tical bull. Hearing the fine ster, "You are a bear, sir," park in which his lodge was continued the mouth, " and I placed called Finnisk {Fionn am the Archbishop of Dublin," Uisge, Fair Water), he set up a "Well," retorted Egan, not in pillar near his residence, with MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. a phcenix on the summit, and " I never met but one de­ the misnomer, " Phoenix Park," serving that character, sire." will remain attached to the de­ " No ! And who was that ? " mesne while water is to be found " Miss Ambrose, sire." m the Spa well within, or the Liffey without. LORD TOWNSHEND. Rather than allow his polite­ ness to be affected by disuse. THIS open-handed viceroy, Lord Chesterfield would pay who was so sadly pestered by delicate compliments to the the articles in the " Freeman's wives and daughters of Roman Journal" {The Baratariana), put Catholic citizens. Miss Am­ no money in his purse from his brose, daughter of a distiller, allowance as Lord Lieutenant, being present at a Drawing On the contrary, he lavished Room with an orange ribbon much of his own private pro­ incumbering the bosom of her perty, and even incurred heavy gown, his Excellency greeted debts to enable him to maintain her with this quatrain :— his high station with suitable dignity, " He was," says Mr. Hardy, " a gaUant soldier, the " Pretty Tory, where's the jest Of wearing orange on a breast, mihtary associate of Wolfe, Which in whiteness doth disclose frank, convivial, abounding in The beauty of the rebel rose?" wit and humour — sometimes more than was strictly conso­ The zealous Alderman Watson nant to the vice-regal dignity ; venturing to expostulate with capricious, uncertain, he not him for keeping in his service a unfrequently offended the higher coachman who went to mass, orders," His politics were found he said he did not dread him so much fault with, but no one long as he did not insist on denied him the possession of driving himself there. The many social virtues, hospitality same sturdy partizan breaking in chief in on him when at breakfast, Like the Arabian Caliph or cried, " Your Excellency, they Fitzjames of Stirling, he fre­ are all rising (he meant for quently traversed the city in the Pretender) in Connaught," disguise, and once it pleased " Well," was the cool answer, him to have a joke with Mr, while the speaker looked at his M—, house-steward to Colonel watch, "They ought to have Clements, the chief secretary. been up three hours since. It This worthy man saw one is ten o'clock," morning an humble-looking In an interview with the person approaching the gate of King (Geo, II,) on his return the lodge, and entering into from Ireland, his Majesty asked conversation with him, he asked him, in the course of conversa­ his business, " I heard that tion, if the Irish papists were Lady Clements wanted a gar­ not most dangerous persons. dener, and I am come to look for MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 89 the situation,"—" Haveyou lived with Johnson, Garrick, Burke, in many situations ?"—" A great and Goldsmith, and subse­ many, and I know my business quently returned to his native well."—" Lady Clements was at country, where he filled the a ball last night, and it will be above-mentioned office under some time before you can see twelve successive viceroys. her; but come into my room, During Lord Townshend's ad­ and take a bit of breakfast in ministration, 1767-1772, he and the meanwhile," The poor man Dean Marlay, with Rev, Mr. gratefully accepted the invita­ Simcox and Captain John tion, and repaid his host by his Courtenay, kept Dublin alive agreeable talk on many subjects. with squibs, and lampoons, and At last word came that Lady witty articles in " The Mercury," Clements was at leisure to speak the office of which was on the with the stranger, and Mr, M— west side of Parliament Street, conducted him into her pre­ within four doors of Essex sence. Imagine his astonish­ Street. These men of wit were ment when the false gardener welcome guests at the table of entered laughing, holding out the viceroy, whose social good his hand to the fair mistress, qualities we have already men­ and she took it with every sign tioned, Lucas, that lover of of respect, and he recognised national independence, could the viceroy in disguise, " Good not afford to let his Catholic friend," said he, turning to his countrymen share in the coveted late host, " I must show my blessing, but Jephson was a sense of your kindness in re­ consistent denouncer of the ceiving a needy stranger with penal laws. The " Mercury" such genuine good nature. writers were at daggers drawn Your son shall be appointed with the Baratarians of the Keeper of the Ordnance in " Freeman's Journal," and much Cork." The worthy man's bitter wit was expended on both family concerns prospered from sides. The Lucas party main­ that hour. Another son dis­ tained that " The Mercury" charged in time the duties of patronised by the Lord Lieu­ the Master of the Rolls. tenant, was under Jesuit manage­ ment. One of the Lucas poets MIRRORS VERSUS thus bespattered the castle wits:— GRIMACES. " A master of horse, dean, rector, and cap­ ROBERT JEPHSON, the poet tain. Political junto together are wrapt in ; and satirist already mentioned, A poet the dean, and a toper the rector, was Master of the Horse to A buffoon the horse rider, the captain a Lord Townshend, After seeing hector. This poet and toper, this bully and jester. service in the seventy-third re­ Our city with lies and scurrility pester. giment of foot, he enjoyed for While the rector and captain are jovially some time his half-pay in Lon­ quaffing, The dean and the master of horse keep don, being on intimate terms them laughing. 90 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. The buffoon coins the joke, and the rhymer indites it. untimely exercise of his wit The rector commands,and the hack cap when dining at my father's tain writes it; house. The dinner was given And then Popish Mercury serves as a jet d'eau to the Lord Lieutenant, the To play off the slanders of this vile quar­ Marquis of Buckingham, who tette, happened to observe in an un­ Who the best in the malice of sport thus bespatter. lucky mirror the reflection of With ironical nonsense and impudent Jephson in the act of mimick­ satire. ing himself He immediately For Marlay, and Simcox, and Courtenay, and Jephson, discharged him from the His favours in private our governor heaps laureateship, on. Every night in the hopes of preferment, to him flocks THE DUKE OF RUTLAND, This set,—Marlay, Jephson, and Cour­ tenay, and Simcox; And Simcox, and Marlay, and Jephson, THIS nobleman, whose reign and Courtenay, as viceroy began about 1786, was For wine and a supper, the old tower a softened copy of the Regent resort nigh. Where our resident Viceroy holds scan­ Phihppe d'Orleans, He had as dalous parley sincere a desire that every With Courtenay, and Jephson, and Sim­ peasant in the Kingdom might cox, and Marlay. Sure Satan alone could such mischievous afford himself and his family a hounds send pullet, or at least a piece of As the friends of poor Ireland to bark for bacon, in his pot as the good Lord Townshend." natured Henri Quatre himself, Jephson was not a mere para­ but he took small pains to effect site. When the character of that desirable object. the viceroy was attacked in the If being clothed in fine linen, House of Commons after his silk, and wool, and faring sump­ departure from Ireland, he tuously every day, and conferring loyally and courageously de­ knighthood on unfit subjects, fended it. We set high value could have tended to the benefit on old Dublin-printed copies of of Ireland, the pleasure-loving Jephson's tragedies, Braganza and social Duke of Rutland and the Count of Narbonne, would have been the " Man for chiefly from their association Galway" and all the country with happy memories of youth, from that to Dublin, Jephson was in receipt of Being once obliged (probably an annual salary as the poet for some unrepented sin^ to pass laureate of the Dublin Court. the night at Kilbeggan, and He lost it in the manner related finding his host Mr, Cuffe, an by Lord Cloncurry, and quoted obliging and zealous caterer, by his biographer, Mr. Fitz­ and being besides overtaken by patrick. Mr, Cuffe's good liquor, he had " Jephson lived at Blackrock, him into the banqueting room, in a house which still remains, and then and there " struck him nearly opposite Maretimo. He with his blade," and bade Sir lost place and pension by an Nicholas Cuffe arise. With the MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES, 91 morning came reflection and The Duchess was acknow­ repentance, and Sir Nicholas ledged on all hands to be the was sent for, "Mr. Cuffe, I most beautiful woman in Dub­ believe that I rather exceeded lin, but in time a report came to my ordinary stint last night; her ears that she had a rival in your liquor was so agreeable the person of the wife of Mr. and so powerful. Your good Dillon, woollen draper, at No, 5, sense will consider anything Francis Street. Great was the that passed (as regards yourself) excitement of that unfashionable merely as a piece of pleasantry, street and its neighbourhood a social joke. You'll speak of the day that the vice-regal car­ it to no one, and forget it as riage stopped before No. 5, and quickly as possible."—"Really, the Lady Lieutenant stepped your Excellency, I would do into the emporium of broadcloth anything to obleege you, but, and rattheen, Mrs, Dillon was unfortunately, I mentioned the not in the shop, and the dis­ honour conferred On me to my mayed foreman was about missiz, and now she'd die before entering the parlour to summon she'd give up the honour and her to the post of danger, but glory of being called Leedy the Duchess told him not to take Cuffe," that trouble, " She would step in," and in she went. Mrs, THE DUCHESS OF Dillon received her with all the RUTLAND, respect due to her noble quali­ ties and her station, and at the THE beautiful and fascinating same time without flurry or Duchess did much to enhance awkwardness. In the course her husband's popularity. In of the conversation the Duchess that time the North Circular looked at her as earnestly as Road was the Hyde Park of good manners would allow, and Dublin, On Sundays the vice­ uttered these words, not easily regal chariot and six, and several to be forgotten by their object : other chariots of sixes and fours " There is no exaggeration in passed and repassed each other what they say of you. You are with friendly greetings between the handsomest woman in the the occupants, while a guard of three kingdoms." honour on horseback on each hand, consisting of the nobility A woman such as her Grace and gentry, added to the social must have been as great an ob­ enjoyment, and the citizens on ject of love and admiration in foot forming the outer boundary the Court of Dublin as Mary of of the long and animated con­ Scotland was at Holyrood, course, respectfully saluted their Probably the lords and gentle­ noble favourites, and received men at table in the castle one friendly recognitions in return. day were little surprised or In the fine stimmer evenings the scandalised at seeing Colonel great folk promenaded in the St. Leger take up the glass in beautiful Rotundo Gardens, which she had just washed her 92 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. mouth and fingers, and swallow stood fire, and thus " made his its contents ! " St, Leger," said face white," declared on his the Duke," you are in luck : her honour as a gentleman, and his Grace washes her feet to-night, faith as a christian, that he had and you shall have a full bumper neither in thought nor deed done after supper," his opponent any wrong, and that if the lady had said to the contrary she must be deranged, A CUNNING WOMAN. Mr. Cuffe gave thorough belief THE Honourable James Cuffe to what he heard, got an insight (afterwards Lord Tyrawley) was into his wife's design, and sent not blessed with so amiable a her word by a confidential friend wife as the Duchess of Rutland, that he would allow her but a This ill-assorted pair were not small annuity in consequence of favoured with any issue, and her wily conduct. The friend that circumstance, backed by gently reminding her of her con­ others, created in the lady an fession to her wronged husband, intense dislike to her husband. she denied it in toto, said it was She besought him for a separate a pure invention on Mr. Cuffe's maintenance, but he did not part, in order to inflict on her wish to be made a subject of ill- the disgrace of a separation, and natured gossip, and refused. that a liberal annuity she would insist on, or appeal to the laws However, she was determined of her country, " Would she on a divided life, and thus she say, forsooth, that she had secured it. Taking her oppor­ sinned with Mr, Scott ? No, tunity, she fell on her knees When her husband wrongly before her surprised husband, accused her of favouring some confessed that she had been other person, all she said was, false to her conjugal vows, that that he might as well suspect John Scott, Attorney-General Mr, Scott, who in his life had (afterwards Lord Clonmel), was never said a civil word to her. the cause of her crime, and now She defied him to produce the her breast was clear of its horri­ least impropriety on her part, ble secret, he might do as he yet he had cruelly turned her thought proper. What he out of doors, and proclaimed her thought best to be done was, in a guilty wife." The Honourable the first place, to send her to a Mr, Cuffe found he had been private lodging, and in the next very cleverly circumvented, and to upbraid John Scott, and call yielded to the demand made on him to the field of strife, his patrimony. Scott, though conscious of no wrong towards the honourable We have already hinted at James, knew the code of honour the character of Lord Clonmel, too well to declare his innocence, " He was," in the words of his and decline the combat. The friend, Sir Jonah, " courageous, parties met, and discharged vulgar, humorous, artificial. their weapons, and Scott having He cultivated the powerful, he MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 93 bullied the timid, he fought the rendered himself very distaste­ brave, he flattered the vain, he ful to the angry and arbi­ duped the credulous, and he trary judge, who consequently amused the convivial. His lan­ punished him by issuing fiats, guage was coarse, and his prin­ and subjecting him to durance ciples arbitrary," vile till sums of fabulous amount would be paid. On one occa­ JUDGES WITH THE COURT sion when enjoying, through TO THEMSELVES. means of heavy bail a season of temporary liberty, and finding LORD CLONMEL having once himself in possession of ;^i4,ooo grossly insulted Mr. Hackett, a he settled ;^io,ooo on his barrister, the father of the bar family, and vowed he would called a general meeting of the spend the balance on Lord body to consider the matter, and Clonmel, The unpopular law- it was then and there resolved, lord had spent a large sum on that until his lordship publicly the improvement of his villa apologised, "no barrister would and its dependencies near either take a brief, appear in the Blackrock, and as some ground King's Bench, or sign any plead­ of comparatively little value lay ings for that court," side by side with it, Mr. Magee They abided by their resolve, bought it up, named it " Fiat and next day neither counsellor Hill," and taking an early oppor­ nor attorney made an appear­ tunity, gave notice in his paper ance, and Lord Clonmel and his that on a certain day he would, brothers had full leisure and at Fiat Hill, give an entertain­ opportunity to pare their nails, ment to all his friends and mend pens, and speculate on patrons, private and political, the loneliness of a court without known and unknown, washed litigants or pleaders. The ill- and unwashed. The classic tempered and imperious judge sports and games of climbing becoming tired of this inaction, soaped poles for prizes at the hastened home, wrote an ample top, grinning through horse- apology, and sent it to the papers collars, cudgel playing, and with directions to affix the date securing fat pigs by their shaved of the previous evening to it. and soaped tails—all would be He thus strove to make it appear celebrated, Silvester Costi- that the apology was made from gan's best malt whiskey would good will, and a sense of what be had for the asking, and was right, ladies and gentlemen would be entertained at a table d'hote. LORD CLONMEL AND THE At one o'clock the ball would OLYMPIC PIG HUNT. be kicked on Fiat Hill, dinner done justice to at three o'clock, MR. MAGEE, proprietor of cudgel playing exhibited at five the " Dublin Evening Post," a under the eyes of cool umpires, clever, but eccentric man, had and the entire festival celebrated 94 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. in honour of the birthday of the Prince of Wales, A JUDGE CALLED ON AS Thousands of people assem­ WITNESS. bled, and the judge cursed his own imprudence in not having MAGEE being on trial before secured Fiat Hill in time. The his judicial foe for a libel on the joyous tumult and confusion Sham Squirewhichhadappeared distracted him as he took in the in his paper on a certain day, terrible sights and sounds at his pleaded absence. It happened window. But Magee's victory to correspond with the date of was not complete till all the a minor festival held on Fiat joyous proceedings culminated Hill, in which figured asses in the Olympic Pig-hunt, Several dressed up in wigs and scarlet strong specimens of these way­ robes, and dancing dogs in ward animals with well prepared barristers' equipments. Magee tails, were let loose on Fiat on that occasion espied the Hill, and after suffering unheard- judge at his window bestowing of tortures at the hands of the very sour looks on the exhibi­ unwashed portion of the crowd, tion, and next day he overtook they directed their flight to him going into town, what seemed the entrance to a "You may recollect the cir­ harbour of safety, viz,, the hedge cumstance, my lord," said he, which separated the hostile pro­ "for your lordship was riding perties. The twigs and thorns cheek by jowl with your own were not a pleasant medium brother, Matthias Scott, the through which to enter into tallow-chandler from Water- their rest, but the hard and ford, and audibly discsussing the merciless hands behind were price of fat at the very moment infinitely worse. Through the I passed you." barrier they dashed, and after them, fearless of legal conse­ One of the brothers Scott had quences, went the mob. Lord adouble, the other a triple chin, Clonmel would be dreaded in so there was an outrageous their cool moments, but Costi- burst of laughter in the court. gan's whiskey imparted courage, Scott, however, won the game and their vast numerical force in the war of wits. He seemed inspired them with confidence. to commune a while with his To secure the runaways they re­ brother judges, and then declar­ morselessly crushed flower-beds ing his opinion that the prisoner out of colour and form, invaded was in a paroxysm of insanity, the privacy of summer houses, directed the marshal to take and dismantled shrubberies. charge of him till a lucid interval Little as we respect the memory should occur. of the judge, we sympathise All the frowning, bewigged deeply with the suffering pro­ majesty of Lord Clonmel on the prietor of the nicely kept para­ bench, never imposed the slight­ dise, now a desolate waste. est awe on Magee's soul, though it required all the moral courage MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES 95 of the boldest barrister to enable reverse of agreeable to his lady, him to bear up against it. One and she remonstrated accord­ day, during which a dispute be­ ingly with the counsellor. He tween Francis Higgins of the was either unwilling or afraid to " Freeman's Journal," and him­ press the matter on his wife, and self was being investigated, he the inspection continued. Lady stood up and addressed the Clonmel, finding her wishes dis­ bench. In his speech he men­ regarded, adopted another plan. tioned his opponent by his sobri­ She hinted to a lady, who was quet, the " Sham Squire," The not slow in conveying the re­ judge interrupted him with the mark to the offending party, remark that he would allow no that Lady Barrington was so nicknames in the court, " Very accustomed to look out of a well, John Scott," replied the shop window to display her editor of " The Post," and re­ silks and satins, that she could sumed his seat. not relinquish the habit, how­ ever unsuitable the place. What­ ever config7iration took place between Sir Jonah and his OPPOSITE BUT NOT spouse, the window was bricked up, and the unsightly excres­ FRIENDLY NEIGHBOURS, cence still encumbers the corner house of Montague Street, THE observant Dublin flaneur, or the equally observant Lon Lady Clonmel would have don visitor, as he proceeds from shown more discretion by not Stephen's Green to the Wexford alluding disrespectfully to trade. Railway Station, along the west The Cloncurry family owe their side of Harcourt Street, takes rise to an industrious and lucky notice of a curved projection of woollen draper of Thomas Street, brickwork in the place once The first lord, being present occupied by a large bow win­ at the performance of " Don dow on the first floor of the Quixote," in Crow Street Theatre, house in the angle of Harcourt enjoyed the tossing of Sancho in and Montague streets. In that the blanket as much as if he house once dwelt Sir Jonah had handled the yard measure Barrington, and in the oppo­ behind the counter that morn­ site angular house lived Lord ing, and laughed from his heart. Clonmel, Lady Barrington was In the Sham Squire's paper, the daughter of Mr. Grogan, a silk " Freeman's Journal," the follow­ mercer ; Lady Clonmel, nee ing lines appeared next morn­ Lawless, belonged to the Clon­ ing. How the worthy nobleman curry family. In her large bow incurred the ridicule is not easily ascertained. Had he shown the window Lady Barrington, ar­ paltry pride or exclusiveness of rayed in the richest silks, would a parvenu you might, O Sha- sit with a complacent air, and mado, have disparaged him with contemplate the doings in the our entire approbation:— judge's house. This was the 96 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. " Cloncu I ry, Cloncurry, Why in such a hurry with wine. The pawnbroker To laugh at the comical squire ? had a bad head for potation, For though he's tossed high, though a good one for valuation. Yet you cannot deny, That blankets have tossed yourself He fell asleep and under the higher." table almost simultaneously, and when he awoke to full conscious­ THE WAY SIR JONAH ness. Sir Jonah, accompanied by TOOK TO FRANCE. the plate, was on his way to Boulogne, never again to visit No one who has added to his his native land,"— The Sham information, and who has been Squire, by W, J, Fitzpatrick, agreeably amused into the bar­ Esq,, J,P, gain by the perusal of Sir Jonah Barrington's " Personal Recol­ A LORD FAR OUTDONE BY lections," can be but disap­ A BARBER. pointed and grieved by the cir­ cumstances connected with his WE could forgive and forget quitting his native land for the some of Lord Clonmel's failings last time, and peccadilloes, but one mean "He had pledged his family and dishonest act of his must plate for a considerable sum to for ever sink his character in Mr. John Stevenson, pawnbroker the estimation of every one pos­ and member of the Common sessed of common honour and Council. ' My dear fellow,' said honesty. His step-daughter, a the knight condescendingly, as lady possessed of considerable he dropped in one day to that property, having been married person's private closet, ' I'm in to Mr, Byrne, of Mullinahack, a d—I of a hobble, I asked, her husband applied to the lord quite impromptu, the lord-lieu­ for a transfer of the stock. The tenant, chancellor, and judges guardian answered, "Mrs, Byrne to dine with me, forgetting how is a lapsed papist, and I must awkwardly I was situated, and, avail myself of the laws which by Jove ! they've written to say I administer to withhold the they'll come. Of course I could money," Mr. Byrne filed a bill not entertain them without the for the recovery of the fortune, plate. I shall require it for that but could not obtain justice. evening only, but it must be on Let us contrast this piece of one condition, that you come knavery with the noble conduct yourself to the dinner and re­ of a poor Protestant barber, a present the Corporation, Bring native of Munster, who, when the plate with you, and take it no one professing the Catholic back at night.' The pawn­ religion could hold land in fee, broker was dazzled : although kept their estates in trust for not usually given to nepotism, perhaps a score of families of he willingly embraced the pro­ that persuasion, and could at posal. During dinner and after any time he pleased take actual it he (Sir Jonah) plied his uncle possession of castles and de- MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 97 mesnes. Yet the noble fellow dispossessed. An item or two never broke trust; he let the of the expenses of the police properties be enjoyed by their have been preserved. If their rightful owners, and shaved and convenience in other depart­ cut hair to support himself and ments was as well attended to, family to the end. There is a they were better fitted for the rumour, we fear an independible enjoyment of life than the dis­ one, that the Munster Catholics charge of its duties, A com­ intend to petition the Dublin mittee of inquiry came on the Corporation for the removal of following items of expense in a dreadful piece of black art the office : — Two inkstands, which flings an atmosphere of ;^5 5 J, 6d,; three pen-knives, gloom round the junction of £2 2s. 2)d.; gilt-edged paper, College Street and Westmore­ 2ioo!!! land Street, and replace it by the effigy of the faithful clipper of hair, executed by the best ACTIVE AND HONEST sculptor to be found in the land. MAGISTRATES, Lord Clonmel having outrage­ ously abused his privilege of SOME seventy years since, issuing fiats for large sums, our police authorities, though, chiefly to the prejudice of the as we have seen, they looked eccentric proprietor of the carefully after their conveni­ " Evening Post," the power of ences, were found exceedingly repeating such wicked deeds negligent and inefficient in the was taken by Parliament out of discharge of their duties. Fre­ his and every future justice's quently the magistrates of the hands about the year 1790. county did the duty of the city officials. On the occasion of a local riot, Mr, Drury, called the HOW THE MONEY WENT "Lame Justice," ascended to IN POLICE OFFICES. his garret in the Coombe as a field-marshal in our days would THE " Sham Squire," some choose an eminence, whence to time proprietor of the " Free­ consider and direct the various man's Journal," had an interest manoeuvres of his troops. From of some kind in the profits of a this vantage-post, as Curran gambling house ofevil repute, ex­ afterwards remarked on a trial tending from Parliament Street connected with the exploits of to Crane Lane. The inefficient that day, "he played with con­ police of the day occasionally siderable effect on the rioters made a show of repressing it. with a large double-barrelled Raids would be made, trifling telescope." seizures effected, and the second The honesty of s'>me of the night after the devil would oc­ magistrates was on a par with cupy his throne in as splendid their inefficiency. The spoil re­ style as if he had never been covered from robbers and thieves H 98 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES, was of course carefully depo­ the profit of the Crane Lane sited in drawers, and if a plun­ hell, and, to crown his infamy, dered man did not fully iden­ found means of betraying Lord tify the rogue who did the deed Edward's hiding-place to the he had small chance of recover­ castle authorities, and thus en­ ing his property. A Mr. Gonne titling himself to a heavy re­ being, thus despoiled and all ward. His character was not, hope of recovering his property however, a thoroughly evil one, lost, waylaid the magistrate he was practically grateful for as he was leaving the office and any good offices received in asked him the hour. He pulled early life, and not insensible to out his pocket-piece, and the the calls of charity, moment Gonne laid his eyes on Matthias Giffard, proprietor it, he exclaimed with an exple­ of the " Dublin Journal," and tive for which the magistrate already mentioned by his sobri­ might have exacted five shil­ quet, " The Dog in Office," was lings, " Oh , that is my perhaps a more absolute and watch !" arrogant enlightener of the public mind than Francis Hig­ A PAIR OF PUBLIC gins himself We have already INSTRUCTORS, alluded to his utter extinction under Grattan's withering elo­ THE nickname of " Sham quence, and the hoax played on Squire " was given to a certain him at the death of Dr, Pa­ Francis Higgins, who, though trick Duigenan, However, he belonging to the lowest rank of did not lose courage. Mr, Potts, Dublin society, contrived, by proprietor of " Saunders's News getting himself passed off as a Letter," having had the ill-luck gentleman of property, to ob­ of offending the great man, he tain in marriage the daughter selected the time about which of William Archer, a respect­ the congregation were coming able merchant. Being com­ out of Taney Church, to ad­ mitted to Newgate for this and minister to the inoffensive, un­ other misdeeds connected with suspicious man a sound cudgel­ it, he managed to make his ling, " What disgraceful scene imprisonment the first step of a is this ? " said a chance specta­ rapid rise in the world. He tor who had arrived late on the obtained the rank of attorney- field of battle, " Oh, nothing," at-law, and contriving to em­ replied an unfeeling bystander, barrass the proprietor of the who was acquainted with the " Freeman's Journal," the poor parties and their little disagree­ man was obliged to give him up ments, " but a Dog hcking his interest in the paper. Be­ Potts." sides enjoying Government patronage for his venal sheet, A PRODIGAL BROTHER, he enlarged his property by having a share of some kind in FROM one of our homely proverbs we learn that there are MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES, 99 but few trees which cannot a very solemn promise that he furnish as much rotten wood as would never set up again as a would consume them when cobbler in his neighbourhood. kindled, A scapegrace brother of John Philpot Curran furnishes an illustration. This worthy FUNERAL RITES PER­ was an attorney, resembling FORMED OVER THE the great barrister in counte­ LIVING. nance, but taller and better-look­ ing. Whatever wit he pos­ THE bibulous and dissolute sessed he clothed in slang ; he habits of attorney Curran did kept dissolute company, and, not attract so much notice after giving his brother much seventy or eighty years ago, as annoyance, he was finally ex­ they would now. Sober young cluded from his house. Still men would get no peace from the counsellor relieved his em­ their seniors till they had barrassments, but at last seeing "made their head," i.e., were they were never likely to end, able to imbibe much liquor he stayed his hand. before they disappeared below Driven to desperation, he the table. An elderly clergy­ adopted an ingenious plan to man related to the late Edward extract further aid from his in­ Walsh, Master of the Rolls, censed relative. He got per­ that when he was going from mission from the authorities to home to college for the first set up a wooden box against a time, he was secured at the piece of dead wall opposite his house of a hospitable tyrant, and brother's house, in Ely Place, had to endure two or three and over it he got painted the nights of hard drinking, and inscription, " Curran, cobbler; the same number of most miser­ shoes soled or heeled. When able mornings, the only remedy the stall is shut inquire over the suggested by his host on these way," occasions being " a hair of the The unfortunate counsellor dog that bit him," i.e., a glass of on returning from court one raw spirits. The third or fourth day, beheld his persecutor in night he and another escaped, appropriate costume, sitting in and hid among the deer in the the stall, and holding forth to neighbouring park, though sundry chairmen grouped round. hotly pursued by the old As his brother came up, he stagers. nodded carelessly to him, Next morning when return­ greeted him with " How do you ing to the house, they witnessed do, Jack ? " and then pretended a miserably ludicrous scene. to be absorbed in his business. All who had preserved their The man in the big house senses till dawn, were now could not, of course, abide such seen occupied, some pulling, a neighbour. He sent for him and others pushing a car with a and relieved him, after exacting broad flat body, on which, H 2 ICO MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES, covered with a sepulchral sheet, ing each other, giving the lie, lay supine the bodies of the calling out on unfair play, and drink-conquered topers. The finally clashing swords as if en­ survivors were chanting the gaged in a brawl. The poor Caoind (funeral dirge) as well buck awaking, hearing the up­ as their feverish tongues and roar, and seeing nothing what­ palates could afford, and ac­ ever, came to the conclusion cording as they passed the re­ that he had been deprived of sidences of their (apparently) his sight. Under this awful im­ dead comrades, they gave the pression he fell on his knees, bodies in charge to members prayed for the first time for of their families or gate-house many years, and even invoked keepers, according to circum­ the Blessed Virgin, for Buck stance, A few duels were the English's early years had been result, the overtaken parties not passed in catholic practices. approving of bodies only dead He was conveyed through dark­ drunk receiving funereal rites. ened passages into a darkened room, and there he endured some hours' agony in bed. At an early hour in the morning HOW BUCK ENGLLSH BE­ his kind friends visited him, CAME BLIND, sympathised with his sufferings, inquired after his spiritual state, and finally debated whether the DALY'S Club House, originally celebrated oculist, Dr, Rouviere, in Dame Street, was abandoned might not be called to aid, in 1791 for the fine block of "He might, perhaps, accom­ buildings extending in College plish something for their dear Green, from Anglesea Street to friend," With all their pre­ Foster Place, Many a fine cautions the increasing daylight estate changed its owner at became dimly perceptible in the Dal^s, and many a well-to-do chamber, and making a virtue family was ruined by the high of necessity, they flung open the play in which Buck Whalley, window. Alas ! the reign of Buck Jones, Buck Lawless, Buck prayer and praise was past. Up English, and other reckless sprung the patient with a dozen individuals of that species in­ of curses on his lips, and cries dulged. One night in the for pistols or small swords. He middle of the Saturnalia, the would have the lives of every last-named individual happened man of them. He knocked to fall asleep, and it entered down the groom porter, Peter into the brains of his associates Davenant, at all events; but to frighten him, who dreaded soft words from his tormentors, neither powder, lead, nor steel. and joy for the recovered sense, They extinguished the lights, " smoor'd his wrath," and all and the fire, sat down again, were soon enjoying a hearty and acted a gambling scene to breakfast. the life, contradicting and curs­ MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. loi AN IRISH ATTEMPT AT A gift in the power of Govern­ CLASSIC TRIUMPH. ment to bestow distinguished the once provost of Trinity ON the 24th of January, 1799, College, the Right Honourable the proposition in favour of the Hely Hutchinson, Besides his union was negatived in the Irish provostship he was receiver- House of Commons by a major­ general for Dublin, and if not ity of five, and so gratified were belied he solicited a majority in the people outside, that they un­ a regiment of dragoons for his yoked the horses from the car­ daughter. When this applica­ riage of the speaker, John tion was laid before Lord North, Foster, and proceeded to draw he raised his hands in admira­ him to his residence. Catching tion, and cried out, " Well as I sight of Fitzgibbon, the very un- was acquainted with the pro­ sympathising Lord Chancellor, vost's power of swallow, I did the happy idea of harnessing did not expect this. But if the him to the triumphal car pre­ venerable man was granted Ire­ sented itself to the general mind land for a farm, he would cer­ of the mob, and was instantly tainly expect the Isle of Man adopted. The obnoxious man, for a cabbage garden," judging ftom the sudden un­ friendly movement of the people Though what follows is a mere that they meant him no good, modern joke, it presents such a widened the distance between consistent double to the one re­ them and himself with all the lated, that it would be a pity to haste which dignity would per­ separate them. mit. They gave chase, and Two gentlemen walking down came up with him in Clarendon Sackville Street, " discoursed, Street, but he took refuge in a 'mong other matter," of the doorway, and with a cocked characters and customs of car­ pistol in each hand prepared to men. Both agreed on their receive their overtures. As they "wish for more," but differed had no intention to do him in degree. " I will make a wager bodily harm, and no one was of two guineas with you," said anxious to receive one of the one to the other, " that if you balls, they set up a loud laugh give a guinea to any boy we and cheer, left him there, and may engage for a short drive, it finished their interrupted work will not content him,"—" Done," of love with loud acclamations. said the less experienced man. Had some among them read of They hailed a car, got on it, and captives obliged to grace the bade the proprietor drive them triumphs of victorious Roman to the Four Courts. There des­ generals ? cending from their eminence, the doomed gentleman presented the golden fare. Glad surprise THE QUNTESSENCE OF mantled over the fellow's fea­ COVETOUSNESS. tures for a moment, but it was AN insatiable appetite for every quickly routed by an expres- MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. sion of unsatisfied covet- exhibited a small stock of worth­ ousness. " Ah, please your less articles by the flags in Sack­ honour," said he, devouring the ville Street, ' Her little basket coin with his eye, " I wish to was covered by a net. She kept drink your honour's health, and her dress scrupulously clean, it would be such a mighty pity and received more alms than an to change this guinea. Maybe ordinary beggar, owing to her your honour will spare me the silent, unobtrusive demeanour, other sixpence." The poor " She dreamed of a number gentleman paid three guineas that was to make her fortune, for his lesson of street wisdom and next day being led to a that unlucky day. lottery office, she insured it. It was not drawn, and she lost, but LOTTERY LUCK. convinced that it was to make her fortune, she still persisted in LET Providence be praised insuring it. Her little store was for inspiring our rulers to abolish soon exhausted. She sold her lotteries. For one person bene­ clothes, and pledged her basket, fited by them ninety-nine were but her number still stuck in the injured, some ruined, and others wheel, and when she had nothing driven to suicide. It is said left she was obliged to desist. that the Phoenix of Dublin book­ She still, however, inquired after sellers, Luke White, got a strong the number, and found it had push up the steep of fortune by been drawn the very day she a few lucky tickets. These ceased to insure it. She groped having lain on his hands for a her way to the Royal canal, and time, he became discouraged, threw herself into it." {Ireland and sent them at reduced price before the Union. By Mr. Fitz­ to Belfast one morning. The patrick.) evening of the same day he re­ ceived information that the des­ pised tickets had turned iip A DISREPUTABLE LINE prizes. The night was stormy, EXTINGUISHED, the coach had a day's start, but the man bent on wealth was not SIR HENRY LUTTREL, one of dismayed. Mounting a service­ the Jacobite officers, was strongly able horse, he rode in pursuit, suspected of betraying his trust and never drew rein till he {vulgo, selling the pass) at the overtook the leisurely vehicle fight of Aughrim. However twenty miles this side of Belfast. that be. Lord Carhampton, the He recovered his property, ate, last Luttrel of the line, exhibited drank and slept at his leisure before and during the wretched while returning, and touched era of " Ninety-eight" the worst his prizes in due time. Let us qualities of our nature ; violence consider the obverse of the offered to young girls, torture, medal. half-hanging included, inflicted on suspected persons, &c. He A poor blind woman daily treated with the utmost disre- MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. lOl spect a benevolent Protestant to clean the streets, chained to a clergyman, the Rev, Mr, Ber­ wheelbarrow. In that miserable wick, who nobly and fearlessly situation she terminated her exerted himself to protect the existence by poison," inoffensive poor people of the neighbourhood. He continued THE POET LAUREATE OF to annoy the good man in every possible way. He even brought THE IRISH BAR. cannon to knock down an ivy- ONLY for his poetic gifts, his covered ruin forming a portion fondness for their exercise, and of the prospect seen from the his decided taste for after-dinner clergyman's window. The tri­ social enjoyment among the angle was set up close to his good fellows and wits, who gate, and at his return from never were found wanting in the church on Sunday, he would Irish legal body, the universal find Luttrel's myrmidons flog­ favourite, Ned Lysaght, might ging some poor wretch. have adorned the Bench one The people of his own and day. He was born at Brick the after-time attributed some­ Hill, in the County of Clare, thing of a diabolical nature to 2ist December, 1763. His the little lord. A mill on his father belonged to the Lisle estate by the Liffey as you go family, and his mother was con­ frofn Dublin to Lucan, has since nected by blood to some of the his time been called the "Devil's noble families of Connaught. Mill." The sable architect, ac­ Edward entered Trinity College, cording to popular belief, put up Dublin, in 1779, and in 1784 he the building in one night. became a student in the Middle The line of the Luttrel family Temple, and was called to the is now extinct. Mr, Fitzpatrick bar in 1788, A year later he quotes Sir Robert Heron with joined the Irish Bar, respect to Lady Elizabeth Lutt­ With reference to his legal rel, the last of the race, experience in London, he said, " Lady Elizabeth Luttrel re­ " He had not law enough for the sided with her sister, the King's Bench, was not dull Duchess of Cumberland, played enough for the Court of Chan­ high, and cheated much. She cery, and before he could make was commonly called the Prin­ his way at the Old Bailey he cess Elizabeth. On the death must shoot Garrow, which would of her sister she was thrown be extremely disagreeable to into gaol. There she gave a him." Sir Jonah relates that a hair-dresser ;^5o to marry her. Jewess, far from being a beauty, Her debts then becoming his, took a fancy to him, and he took she was discharged. She went a more decided fancy to her abroad, where she descended over-valued fortune. There was lower and lower, till, being con­ some difficulty in winning her victed of picking pockets at father's consent, but at last he Augsburg, she was condemned did consent, and it was not long I04 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES, till our barrister found himself Our Custom House quay full of weeds— Oh, rare sport! incumbered with a rather plain- But the ministers' minions, kind elves, faced wife, bill entanglements, sir. Will give us free leave all our goods to and no money to untie them. export. When he found himself compa­ When we've left none at home for our­ ratively free of his bonds, he selves, sir. returned to Ireland, and there Give Pitt, &c. abided till his death, an indiffer­ Says an alderman, ' Corn will grow in ent expounder of the law, but the your shops: This Union must work our enslave­ delight of all his acquaintance, ment.' through his agreeable manners ' That's true,' says the sheriff, ' for plenty of crops * and power of entertaining his Already I've seen on the pavement' company by flashes of wit, and Give Pitt, &c. all the other desirable qualities Ye brave, loyal yeomen, dressed gaily in of a good conversationalist. red. Lysaght possessed poetic This minister's plan must elate us: And well may JOHN BULL, when he's powers of no mean order. We robbed us of bread. must find room for his prophetic Call Ireland 'the land of potatoes.' lines on the effect of the Union Give Pitt, &c." on the well-being of Dublin:— For the lively songs of " Kate " How justly alarmed is each Dublin cit of Garnavillo" and " The Sprig That he'll soon be transformed to a clown, sir ! of Shillelagh " we are indebted By a magical move of that conjuror Pitt to Counsellor Lysaght, The country is coming to town, sir. Give Pitt, and Dundas, and Jenky a glass, THE KITE AND THE WIND, Who'd ride on John Bull, and make Paddy an ass. LORD REDESDALE, during Through Capel Street soon as you'll rurally range. his Irish Chancellorship, was You'll scarce recognise it the same puzzled not a little by local street; allusions and modes of speech. Choice turnips shall grow in your Royal Exchange, He was once attending to a trial And cabbages down along Dame Street. in which the expression kite Give Pitt, &c. flying frequently occurred. At Wild oats in the College wont want to be last he interrupted either a tilled, speech or a cross-examination And hemp in the Four Courts may thrive, sir; by remarking on the uselessness Your markets again shall with muttons of wasting the time of the court be filled: Saint Patrick! they'll graze there alive, and the jury by dwelling on such sir. an irrelevant matter as a boy's Give Pitt, &c. pastime. " My Lord," said In the Parliament House quite alive shall Counsellor Plunkett, " the exer­ there be cise you object to may be a All the vermin the island e'er gathers ; Full of rooks as before, Daly's Club House shall be. * The United Irishmen, adopting the But the pigeons won't have any fea­ manners and customs of the French rege­ thers. nerators, cut their hair close, hence the Give Pitt. &c. nickname croppies. MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 105 trifling matter on the other side against his knavish proceedings, of the Channel, but here it is and he entered into the detail of made an instrument to swindle a few of his contrivances, not many an honest man and some calculated to encourage his usurers out of considerable sums audience, " I assure you, ma­ of money,"—" You don't say so ! dam," said he to the lady, " that But how is the thing done ?"— you should not pronounce those " My Lord, as every one here valuable earrings of yours out of knows, in England the wind danger till you are in your car­ raises the kite, but in Ireland it riage,"—" Thank you, sir, I will is the kite which raises the avail myself of your kind hint," wind." The explanation only She forthwith removed them added to the learned lord's per­ from her ears to her purse, and, plexity, but the barrister, pitying having deposited that in her his ignorance, proceeded to state safest pocket, she attended to the matter in the English in the remainder of the play with ordinary use, and his grave pupil comfort. found his unceasing desire to She paid a visit when the play tread English soil again much was ended, and entertained intensified. her friends with the fright into which Mr. Barrington had A SLEIGHT-OF-HAND thrown the quality, " I was a TRICK. little frightened myself," said she, " and am grateful to a DURING the reign of that clergyman who sat behind me most polite and ingenious for putting me on my guard. pocket conveyancer, George Thank goodness, I may now put Barrington, and while a fash­ on my earrings without appre­ ionable audience were witness­ hension," And so she might ing an interesting drama at the indeed, only for the absence of Theatre Royal, a rumour began themselves, and the purse, and to spread in the dress circle that few guineas which had been in the renowned pickpocket was it, shortly after George Bar­ present. One lady had lost rington had given the friendly her gold-chased smelling-bottle, hint, another her purse, this noble­ man his watch, the other his pocket-book. The sister of a A MARQUIS WHO LOVED certain count being present with NOT MUSIC one or two intimate friends at SHORTLY after the Wexford her side, and a grave, clerical troubles of " Ninety-eight" as looking man behind, did not feel the Marquis of Ely, the high much alarm. However, when sheriff of the county, and other the conversation between the notables were returning from tvcts turned upon the arch thief, their labours as grand jurors, he observed that no one could and their after - refreshment, be too much on their guard their attention was attracted by io6 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES, a comely servant-girl sitting at burst of laughter so discon­ a window in the house of a Mr, certed the nobleman, that he Lett, and singing with much pursued the interrogation no apparent relish. The air was further, and he and his asso­ good, the voice sweet, but, alas, ciates had to pay heavily for there lurked treason in the their want of musical taste, words. The listeners being all good men and true, and not A FAIRLY FOUGHT COM­ having the master of the house BAT. before them to receive punish­ ment, inflicted it through the WHEN the present writer was agency of stones on Mr, Lett's some nine or ten years old, he windows, Mr. Lett's pretty but had the ill-luck to live in the disaffected servant, and one or same house where Edward two of Mr, Lett's family whose Hay's " History of the Insurrec­ curiosity outweighed their tion" had made a permanent sense of danger, Mr, Lett lodgment on a dresser shelf himself, being a non-suspected Winter night after winter night man, was enabled to bring the was he obliged to read pages on over-zealous loyalists before pages of that sad narrative for their lordships at next assizes. the delectation of neighbours The counsellors employed for who would collect to hear it, the accused men tried to make and heartily did he come to the musical maid vary from hate the book and the subject. herself in her evidence, but When the reading was over one were unsuccessful, and their or other would begin to tell his noble client, thinking their own fortunes or those of some proceedings rather lukewarm, acquaintance "in the fighting requested leave to propose a summer." The following inci­ question or two himself, and dent was told on one of these leave was given. nights. It is nearly too good to be true. " Now, girl, by the virtue of your oath, did you not threaten After the battle of Ross a to split my skull open ? "—" By sort of review was held in a the virtue of my oath, my Lord," large field above the town, and said she, turning to the judge, while it was going on, the eyes " it would not be worth my while of officers and men were drawn to split his skull open," to the figure of a tall and strong Her examiner, supposing that croppy, who, getting out from her answer had reference to a the back of a house, walked reward offered by the insur­ leisurely along by the far fence gents for his life, now triumph­ of the very field where the in­ antly asked, " And why did you spection was taking place. not think it worth your while to A commotion took place, among open my skull ?"—" In troth, it the red coats, and muskets were was because I was sure I'd find levelled, but a mounted yeoman nothing inside," A general shouted out, " Hold your hands, MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 107 and I'll show you some sport with the ribelly rascal." He set MERCY RECOMPENSED. spurs to his horse, and got be­ tween the man and the gap to AT the skirmish of Tubber- which the foolhardy fellow was neering, where the Ancient making, and a skilful sword- Britons were nearly cut off to and-pike encounter took place, a man, an officer taken prisoner the sword intent on cutting the was about to be piked, A brave pike across near the head, the young fellow, who had some pike equally bent on sheathing authority among the insurgents, its iron in the yeoman or his spoke so determinedly in his horse. The horse at last re­ favour, that his life was spared, ceiving a prod, reared up, and and by his deliverer's aid he its rider being thrown off his was enabled to join the nearest guard, received his foeman's quarters of the army. When weapon in his body next mo­ the storm passed away the good- ment, and fell to the ground. hearted rebel escaped out of the There was a general outcry, and country and reached London. a rush commenced, but the He got employment with a commander shouted to the men master carpenter, and became a to keep their ranks, " Our decided favourite. One day as man," said he, " tempted his he was busily employed he was fate, the other acted only in surprised to see a lady and self-defence. If he offers no gentleman who had just been insult to his fallen enemy, let speaking to his employer, stop­ him go about his business." ping suddenly as they passed, Out through the gap went the and the gentleman steadfastly croppy, the commander grieving looking at him. Raising his that he could not reckon him eyes he recognised the officer, among his own rank and file. threw down the tool he was using, clasped his hands, and The Hessian auxiliaries were cried, " I am found out at last." intensely hated by the natives " You are indeed," said the for their blood-thirstiness, ra­ other; " but it will not be for pine, and want of respect for your hurt or damage. This women, this last evil quality brave young fellow," said he, never being attributed to the turning to the lady, " is the man insurgents even by Sir Richard who saved your husband's life Musgrave himself, A croppy in Wexford, and now he fears having laid one of the hated to be given up. We must show foreigners low, was leisurely him that kindness and gratitude rifling his pouches and pockets, are not confined to his own when a brother in arms coming country." Through the means on the scene, cried out for a of his recovered friend and his share of the plunder, " It's own steadiness the outlaw ac­ Tallow-hill talk with you," said quired a respectable position in the man in possession, "Go and " London societv." kill a Hussian for yourself" io8 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

THE FORCE OF HABIT. resolved on saving the book, fasten it with a chain to the IN the good old times of fight­ witness-chair, and perhaps that ing, removed from us, thank will remind them of hanging in goodness, by the wide gap of chains, and infuse salutary terror three-fourths of a century, an into their hearts," attorney at law could not afford His lordship was charitable to let a personal affront pass as well as pious. An attorney without demanding gentlemanly having died in straitened cir­ satisfaction for it. A Dublin cumstances, a couple of good solicitor being obliged to dis­ men went about among the patch a hostile invitation, com­ judges, and counsellors, and posed it in the normal fashion, attorneys, to make a provision but when the place of assign­ for the funeral expenses, " How ation came to be named, viz., much will satisfy you ? " said the " The Fifteen Acres," his draft­ judge to the collectors, "A ing instinct got the upper hand, shilling will be sufficient," was and, unconscious of the unsuit- the answer, "Well, here is a ableness of the expression, he guinea ; go and bury pne and subjoined " be the same more or twenty of them." less." LORD NORBURY'S SHORT LORD NORBURY'S PIETY, AND SIMPLE METHODS, IF any benighted reader of this little book has not heard of WE would be unwilling to Lord Norbury's puns, his jesting make an affidavit to the strict even when passing sentence of truth of some of Norbury's say­ death, his habit of puffing out ings and doings here set forth. his cheeks, his numerous duels, They were in circulation, and and his shooting himself thereby that is sufficient for our pur­ up to a seat on the bench, such pose. reader is worthy of general pity. He would occasionally take a During one circuit excursion nap in his judicial chair, even he was informed that swearing when a trial for horse-stealing copies of the New Testament was going on, of all trials the had frequently to be replaced, most interesting to him. On thievish witnesses having got one occasion of this kind, wak­ into the bad habit of carrying ing up from a treacherous doze, them off, he remarked, " Per­ and merely recollecting the haps the poor people do it out crime and the name of the of a wish to make acquaintance culprit, he gave a more than with God's Word, and if so, the ordinary puff, and thundered good it will work in them will out,—" You Darby Casey, con­ more than counterbalance the victed of horse-stealing, than loss to the country and the harm which a more detestable crime, to themselves. But if you are or one more calculated to uproot MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 109 the very foundations of society since his time, " Flinging back does not exist, the sentence of his judicial robe," wrote Mr. the court is, that you be removed Shiel, " and sometimes casting to the place from whence you off his wig, he started from his came, and taken thence on the seat, and uttered awild harangue, third " "Ah, my lord," in­ in which neither law, method, terrupted Darby, " you may nor argument could be dis­ leave out the rest, if your lord­ covered. It generally consisted ship pleases. The jury—God of narratives of his early life, bless 'em !—acquitted me just which it was impossible to asso­ before your lordship awoke," ciate with the subject, or jests After sentencing a criminal to from Joe Miller, mixed with death in the usual form, the con­ jokes of his own manufacture, demned cried out—" A long day, and of sarcastic allusions to any my lord !" " You shall have it. of the counsel who had endea­ This is the twentieth of June : voured to check him during the to-morrow is the longest day in trial," the year." "What's your business?" he asked of a witness, " I keep a LORD NORBURYS PRLZE racket court, my lord," " So do PUN. I," added he, with a complacent puff THE present writer has often Once during an oppressive seen the facetious lord in his day in court he flung back his latter years, taking an airing on robes and set the court-house in horseback, his ancient servant a roar by the novel appearance following, and their horses look­ of his underdress, namely, a ing as old and quiet as them­ green tabinet coat with pearl selves. About forty-five years buttons, a striped yellow and have since elapsed. He was black vest, and buff breeches. much stooped at the time, but He had appeared as Hawthorn if the newspaper Norburiads ('Love in a Village') the night could be trusted, he would occa­ before at Lady Castlereagh's sionally drop in on favoured ball, and had not had time to shopkeepers, and fire off a dozen put off his dress. Perhaps he or so of puns at them. Some of purposely retained it for its cool­ the papers kept the heading ness. LORD NORBURY'S LAST in type, One day at dinner he re­ and under its shade issued quested the lady at the head of sundry pleasantries which he the table to help him to some had never dreamed of One of hung beef that he might try a these will be sufficient in this little of it. " Try it," said Cur­ place, the reader bearing in ran, who was present, "and it mind that a puffing dealer in will be sure to be hung," tea, exclusive of all other gro­ This judge's charges resem­ ceries, occupied a shop in Dame bled no others made before nor Street, near the corner of IIO MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. George's Street, and rejoiced in conversation with him. The the surname of Nott, man did not know with whom "Last week Lord Norbury he was conversing, and so frank went into the shop of Mr. Pott, and good natured seemed the grocer, in Dame Street, and, gentleman on horseback that he after conversing with him for made no secret of his business. some time in his usual familiar He had been wronged and style, proposed this question :— harshly treated by a Jittle mag­ ' Mr. Pott, how are you making nate in his neighbourhood, and, your fortune ?' ' Faith, my lord, taking the law in his own hands it would be hard for me to tell, in a fit of passion, he had been I am only living from hand to seized and imprisoned, and now, mouth,' 'That wont do, Mr, being out on bail, he was pro­ Pott, I know better, I ask you ceeding to the court where Lord the second time, Mr, Pott, how Norbury was to preside. He are you making your fortune ?' had no counsel employed, and ' Well, maybe the d or your had no confidence in the leni­ lordship knows, I don't.' 'You're ency of the judge, and was alto­ very close, Mr. Pott, I ask you gether in a depressed state of for the third time, how are you mind. They parted company making your fortune? You before arriving at the court­ wont tell. Well, then, I must. house, and the judge, sending You're making your fortune, Mr. for a favourite counsellor, in­ Pott, by Nott refusing to sell structed him in the case, and sugar, I think that's not the handed him a fee for the de­ worst thing I've said in my time. fence. Good morning, Mr, Pott,' and The defendant, taking a peep mounting his old steed he at the judge as he took his seat, nodded on down towards the was no little dismayed. " I'm college, his old retainer follow­ donefor,"said he," Lord Norbury ing, and keeping a steady eye knows all, I must prepare for on him, regardless of the many the worst," The petty tyrant's faces turned towards them as counsel having made his com­ they jogged along." plaint in due form, the judge called to the defendant in no LORD NORBURY, JUDGE very friendly tone, and asked AND COUNSEL IN ONE. had he any counsel employed, " No, my lord, I had no fee to JOHN TOLER, LORD NOR­ give him," " Well, what defence BURY, was not a bad landlord, can you make to this charge?" and bore the character of a kind " My lord, you know yourself as and considerate master to his well as me, the whole ins and domestics and the people em­ outs of it," "How should I ployed about his house and know ? You ought to be com­ grounds. Riding to court one mitted for contempt of court," day he overtook a peasant, and, Here the counsellor mentioned as was his wont, entered into above interfered, and begged MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. in his lordship to allow him to view to afford his friends a good undertake the defence. Getting laugh at the expense of his ready permission, he did his country, said to him : work so effectually, and heaped " Sir Hercules, is it true that such obloquy on the plaintiff's we Scotch formerly transported conduct, that the accused man all our criminals and felons to was speedily acquitted. Very Ireland ? " rejoiced he felt at the tenor of " I dare say," replied Sir Her­ the judge's charge, in which cules, " but did you ever hear, there was not the slightest allu­ Mr. Dundas, of any of your sion made to damning facts re­ countrymen returning to Scot­ vealed to himself that morning. land from transportation ? " He sought the friendly coun­ As Scotland is mentioned, we sellor immediately after the trial must introduce a goodthingfrom to return his hearty thanks, but that country, included among got a very cool and rough recep­ many other good things in Mr. tion, and left the court with Mair's collection. We would confused ideas on the subject of give any half dozen of our best judicial integrity. By degrees Irish witticisms for the follow­ he arrived at a tolerably correct ing, though it possesses neither notion of the economy of the wit nor wut. It is in the form process to which he owed his of a dialogue between a visitor acquittal, and he would be a and a native: bold man who would afterwards " How long is this loch ? " speak ill of Lord Norbury in his " It wUI be aboot twanty presence. mile," The punning judge composed " Twenty miles ! Surely it a punning epitaph for his tomb, can't be so much ?" but no more of it has remained " Maybe it will be twelve." in our memory than his request " It really does not seem more to the bell-ringer to do him than four," justice, " for he too was a " Indeed, I'm thinking you're TOLER." right," " ReaUy you seem to know ODIOUS COMPARISONS, nothing about the matter," "Troth, I canna say I do." IN our anecdotes of Lord Townsend we should have men­ CURRAN AND ABERNE THY. tioned Sir Hercules Langrishe as one of his bitter assailants in SIR HERCULES LANGRISHE Barratariana, in which his deserved, by his ready wit and Excellency figured as Sancho presence of mind, to be a coun­ Panza. Mr. Dundas, as earnest tryman of John Philpot, who an admirer of good liquor as Sir subjugated even that rough po­ Hercules himself, once enter­ tentate, Dr, Abernethy, in his tained him at a grand dinner own study. The brave and truly party in London, and, with a honest patriot was subject to ii: MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES, bodily ills and a settled melan­ tained the first rudiments of my choly in his latter years when education, I was next enabled renown and worldly competence to enter Trinity College in the were secured. He called on the humble sphere of a sizar," and rough physician eight different so he went on investing the true times, stated his ailments, but narrative with the most ludicrous still remained convinced that character, till leaving a hiatus the abrupt man had not got a of several years he arrived at clear idea of his condition. On the cause of his visit. Abernethy the ninth visit he fixed his dark, never interrupted him till he got piercing eyes on the doctor, and as good an insight into his case thus addressed him, " Mr, as the patient could help him to. Abernethy, I have paid eight By judicious hints and queries, different visits, and paid you he was soon in possession of the eight different guineas, yet I am great man's ailments. He did persuaded you are still ignorant all that his great skill could sug­ of the nature of my complaints. gest for his relief, and continued Now I am determined that you his earnest friend and good shall listen while I communicate the symptoms as well as I can," health-aiding GENIUS till his Abernethy, interested, and some­ death. what overawed, assumed the It was during his residence in attitude of a patient listener, London that being asked by an and cried, " Go on. Disclose English acquaintance why a not only your symptoms, but certain Irish friend of his always your parentage, birth, age, native kept his mouth open while stroll­ place, and anything else you ing through the city, he answered, please," Curran, not a bit dis­ " It is with the laudable inten­ concerted, commenced, in a lu­ tion of catching the English dicrously grave fashion, " My accent," name is John Philpot Curran." (These magic words at once fixed the doctor's attention. He SIR HERCULES LANGRISHE was till then ignorant of the OVER HIS WINE. name of his patient.) " My pa­ rents were poor, but, I believe, IT has been hinted that this honest people of the province of gentleman, with whom we have Munster, where also I was born just shaken hands, had a good at Newmarket, in the county of head for the drink. He was a Cork, in the year one thousand commissioner of revenue, and seven hundred and fifty. My very much liked by his acquaint­ father, being employed to collect ance, but we cannot give him the rents of a Protestant gentle­ credit for all the wine he con­ man of small fortune in that sumed without extra aid, notwith­ neighbourhood, procured my ad­ standing his witty excuse about to mission into one of the Protest­ be given. Sir Jonah Barrington, ant free schools, where I ob­ Sir John Parnell, and Dr, Duige­ nan calling on him one even- MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 113 ing at his house in Stephen's the bottoms of six bottles."— Green, found him poring over " Six fiddlesticks ! " cried he, in his account-books, with one a pet. " It was not the wine, half-filled bottle of port, and but the pestilent strawberry in two thoroughly empty claret- the bottom of the glass which bottles before him. On the en­ defeated me," trance of the gentlemen, the butler placed a bottle of claret before each, "Sir Heck," said PERSONATION IN LIQUOR. Parnell, " you have consumed two bottles already."—" Very OUR own Richard Brinsley true."—" And had you no one to was frequently overtaken, but help you ?"—" Oh yes, I had never completely subdued. The that bottle of port there, and I crystals were there, however, assure you he afforded me great bedded in oil. One night a assistance," nocturnal guardian of his fellow men and women found the author of " The Rivals" appa­ rently incompetent to take care THE TREACHEROUS of himself, and stretched along STRAWBERRY. on the street flags. He shook OUR old acquaintance, Alder­ him, requested him to rise, spoke man Faulkner, was not so for­ to him angrily, spoke to him tunate in his auxiliaries as Sir good-naturedly; still no sign of Hercules, Having to entertain perception on the part of the a party of seasoned topers one inert image of man as he ought night, and not willing to be put to be. " What is your name ?" below the table till he had seen —" Hickup."—" Your name, I the last of them supine, he con­ say."—" Wil - Wil - Wilberforce. sulted his medical adviser on Confound you, let me rest," the means to that desirable end. " The strawberry," said his men­ THE QUINTESSENCE OF tor, " is possessed of coohng LOYALTY. qualities; put the largest one procurable in the bottom of your THEOPHILUS SWIFT, barris- glass; keep your wits about you, ter-at-law, would have been re^ and I insure you the victory." markable for eccentricity if born George followed the well-meant fifty years later in time, but advice, yet was the first of the being kept in countenance by party to succumb. so many of our ante, anti, and He was in a bad humour next pro-Union originals, he attracted day when one of his brother only a moderate share of notice. topers came in to condole with His two sons inherited a con­ him. " But," said the comforter siderable portion of his ability (own brother to him of Uz), "it and oddness; the three scarcely was, after all, no inglorious de­ agreed in predilections or dis­ feat. You know you reached likes, yet they were exceedingly I 114 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. attached to each other. Quixotic me a ball."—" You shall have loyalty to the royal family was no reason to complain. As an inherent and cherished cha­ Colonel Lennox I gave you one racteristic of the elder Swift, ball, as lord-lieutenant I shall He was ready to peril his life afford you two," And Swift for its maintenance at any time. accordingly received invitations Regretting that the Duke of to the next two entertainments York should have condescended of the kind given at the Castle. to exchange shots with Colonel Lennox, and still more resent­ MARRIED AND SINGLE ing that the Colonel should FELLOWS, T.C.D. have had the presumption to challenge the royal duke, he MR. SWIFT placed in Trinity sent an invitation to him (the College one of his sons, to Colonel) to meet him on the whom he had given as Chris­ field of honour, giving him to tian name Deane, in memory of understand that he owed satis­ the patriotic DRAPIER, Con­ faction to every gentleman in sidering that the college autho­ the empire for the affront offered rities did not appreciate the to his Royal Highness, The young man at his full merit, or challenged man had never heard actuated by some other motive, of Mr, Swift, but learning that Theophilus published a pam­ he was a barrister and a gentle­ phlet, in which he revealed sun­ man to boot, he gratified him dry defects and shortcomings by accepting the invitation. In appertaining to the college au­ the duel which followed, the thorities, and the system of colonel's bullet went clean education which they main­ through the body of the coun­ tained. Moreover hd asserted sellor. He was carried home that though the founder of the with some appearance of life institution, the Virgin Queen, still clinging to him, made his insisted as a sine qud non on will, and bequeathed his gold the celibacy of all its fellows snuff-box to the Duke of York. through all future years, several of the living reverend gentlemen The genius of poetic justice were well known to be encum­ could not allow such loyalty and bered with wives and children, single-mindedness to descend thus exhibiting disrespect for prematurely to the grave. Swift the memory of their vestal recovered, and when his anta­ founder, and breaking the so­ gonist, later in time Duke of lemn vows made at their instal­ Richmond, held his first levee ment, A wonderful commotion as lord-lieutenant in Dublin ensued inside and outside the Castle, Theophilus was careful venerable pile on the publica­ to be among the first presented. tion of this scandal, many of "The last time I had the ho­ the unwedded principals ill- nour of being presented to your naturedly enjoying the confusion Excellency, I had better luck, of their wedded colleagues. for on that occasion you gave MODERN IRfSH ANECDOTES. 115 However spiritualized aca­ just as diligently as he, but demic flesh and blood might be, against the nineteen points in it could not resist its first indig­ their favour stood the one point nant impulse to bring its vilifier all influential—LAW, and the before their lordships, and get writer of the unfortunate pam­ him soundly punished for his phlet was sent to abide foi impudence, Theophilus was twelve months in Newgate not unprovided with means to along with two hundred and defend himself, and to it they fifty individuals, more or less, went, the judges being incensed and all trained in pocket-pick­ and prejudiced against the ing or shop-lifting, libeller, his counsel little confi­ dent of success, but determined ONE TOO MANY IN A to defend him to the last line in their briefs. On this occasion, ROOM. Rev, John Barrett, senior fellow, THE Rev. Dr. Burrowes, a familiarly styled "Jacky Barrett," fellow of college, and one of the was lugged out of his sanctum, number who had neglected to from which he very rarely comply with Good Queen Bess's stirred, to give evidence against injunction, greatly rejoicing in the assailant of his loved and the correction administered to cherished establishment. Sir the detractor of himself and Jonah, who cross-examined him, learned colleagues, forgot in his gives this account of his defeat glee the sensible counsel of not by the little kiln-dried sage. throwing water on a drowned " I examined the most learned rat. Heedless of the evil brought of the whole University, Dr. on Mr, Swift's head by his ill- Barrett, a little greasy, shabby, advised pamphlet, he would croaking, round-faced vice-pro­ write and publish one himself vost. He knew nothing on earth against the assailant of the save books and guineas, never " silent sister." A copy of this went out, and held but little was shown to the imprisoned intercourse with mankind. I man while the sheets were still worked at him unsuccessfully damp, and the blood once more more than an hour ; not one commenced to flow in a healthy decisive sentence could L get and rapid stream through veins him to pronounce. At length and arteries. While Dr. and he grew quite tired of me, and I Mrs, Burrowes were rejoicing thought to conciliate him by in the punishment inflicted on telling him that his father had their unfriend, and the bitter­ christened me, ' Indeed !' ex­ ness his tongue would feel as claimed he, ' Oh, I did not his eyes took in the contents of know you were a Christian.' the just published attack, a law At this unexpected repartee the paper was handed in, requiring laugh was so strong against me the writer to come, and appear, that I found myself muzzled." and justify his publication, Sir Jonah's fellows worked Dr, Burrowes was condemned I 2 ii6 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. to six months' imprisonment in was obliged to quit his deben­ Newgate, On his entrance he tures, and his college rooms, and requested the governor to lodge his books, and this world alto­ him in a single room, and as gether in 1821. high as the roof would permit, Dr, Barrett was a bundle of that he might be spared the contradictions. A pious man, general sights and sounds of he would swear like a trooper, the establishment. The reply even when examining on portions was that every nook and pigeon­ of Holy Writ; a strictly moral hole was occupied by a felon of man in outward conduct, he some kind. One room, indeed, made a collection of indecent was occupied by a gentleman books and prints ; a man most by birth and manner, and he learned in book knowledge, he would endeavour to induce him could not distinguish a duck to share this apartment. Per­ from a partridge; and once mission was obtained, but oh ! being obliged to go as far as Themis and Nemesis! when the Clontarf, he pestered every one introduction was made, face to with whom he conversed for a face stood Dr. Burrowes and Mr. week after with his discovery of Swift, mortification on one face, live mutton in a field outside triumph on the other. the city. He was most obliging Reflection and the comfort of and good-natured in every looking on a human counte­ respect except in the matter of nance, and listening to a human cash alone. He died when voice in solitude, had their master of a fabulous amount of usual good effect. The philo­ money, yet was never known to sophers parted at last with good give help to any of his poor feelings towards each other, and relations. In his will he be­ we hear of no other abusive queathed his property to " those pamphlet published by either. who had most need of it," and much of it would have been sunk in the Four Courts only A COLLEGE RECLUSE. for the wisdom vouchsafed to the executors. They considered " The man of all for weighty lore. the claims of his relatives as of In nothing is he caret l The learned Dominie Sampson was equal importance with those of A fool to Jacky Barrett." the various charities, and re­ membered them accordingly, THE- troublesome little man who obtained victory over Barrington, as mentioned above, entered college as a pensioner DR. BARRETT'S HA'FORTH (not sizar, as is commonly sup­ OF MILK. posed) under Dr, Monsel, in THE bodily and household 1767, and in 1773 obtained a attendants of Dr, Barrett were scholarship ; in 1778 he became centered in Catty, an elderly Fellow, and was promoted to woman, who probably thought Senior Fellowship in 1791. He her master one of the greatest MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES, 117 of men. Going out one frosty squares having been taken down, morning with a penny to bring and the authorities consulting in a halfpennyworth of milk, she about ways and means of having slipped, severely injured one leg, the ddbris removed, the doctoi and was conveyed to Mercer's proffered his advice, " What Hospital, When her master trouble need you put yourselves heard of the accident, he over­ to, do you see, but dig a big came his dislike of " walks hole in the yard and shovel the abroad," and proceeded to her rubbish into it ?"—" But, Doctor, ward. When he arrived, he found what is to be done with the clay the poor creature writhing in and stones you take out of the pain, and he was affected to hole ?"—" Och, scoop out ano­ tears; but after a little his penu­ ther and pitch them in," rious feelings getting the upper Some of the doctor's admirers hand, he cried," But, Catty, what claim an invention for him, about the jug?"—"And sure, which our neighbours over the sir, it was smashed on the pave­ water will not willingly see taken ment,"—" Well, well, it can't be from the great Sir Isaac New­ helped, do you mind me; but. ton, Economic as was his Catty, the halfpenny change, do household management, he af­ you see." forded sustenance to a favourite cat, nor did he send her kitten to be drowned when an increase A SWEEP AND A DOCTOR in the family occurred. Taking ROLLED INTO ONE. an opportunity when a carpenter DR. BARRETT'S dirty shirt and was working for a college neigh­ equally dirty hands obtained the bour, he got a large and small title sweep for him among the hole cut out of the lower part students. One day, as he was of his study door to afford in­ crossing one of the courts, a gress and egress to his pets. freshman called out, " Sweep, An acquaintance calling in, sweep!" He was summoned asked the use of the .holes, and before the board for the affront, was told. " And would not one but he asserted that he had at be sufficient?"—"How Would the moment caught sight of a the big cat get through that sooty professor in the angle of small hole, do you mind me ? "— the square, and given him a call, " I don't know; but could not the as his chimneys were in need of little cat pass through the large a scrubbing, " Ah, I have you hole easily enough?"—" Oh, the there, do you see me. There admire me! I never thought wasn't a schweep in the whole of that." square but myself" There is little doubt but some great scholar, wrapt in mental A BRACE OF BULLS IN study, committed this practical bull. Such preoccupied folk are COLLEGE, more liable to ludicrous mis­ A HOUSE or two in one of the takes than the empty-minded ii8 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES, man of low degree and few Apollo, However his own opi­ ideas, who gives his whole and nion of his appearance was de­ undivided attention to any new cidedly a complacent one. He circumstance or question pre­ had occasion one day to com­ sented to him. An Englishman plain of the quality of a leg of of the middle or lower class will mutton, but Jacky paid little give a readier answer to a ques­ attention to him. " It is quite tion than an Irishman of like putrid, sir," said King. " You condition, if each is equally ca­ need only look at the colour of pable of the solution. Paddy is it; it's quite black," The doctor seldom without trains of thought looking full in his face, answered coursing or crossing each other with a line from Virgil:— in his brain; John is not so subject to this inconvenience. " O Formose puer, nimium ne crede When your query knocks at the colori." * door of Pat's brain-chamber, he has to remove the company in possession before the stranger HOW THE DOCTOR RE­ is admitted. John's mental CEIVED THE KING. apartment is ready swept and vacant and the door open ; the AFTER the departure of his new visitor has instantaneous gracious Majestyfrom our shores access. An Irish and an Eng­ in 1821, was published a thin lish girl were once in a company volume of satirical poems, in where the present writer hap­ which sundry public characters pened to be, and he observed connected with the royal visit that when a question was pro­ were handled; In one was em­ posed to his countrywoman she bodied a letter from a Dublin was obliged to get rid of ideas student to a friend in the Middle occupying her mind for the mo­ Temple, and as the deeply read ment, before she could give her vice-provost occupied a consi­ undivided attention to what was derable portion, we present a asked. The answer of the few verses of the lively lay. English girl was given almost Omitting the opening verses, we before the last word of the ques­ commence with the King's tion had left the questioner's doings. lips. " With us to-day he dined—that is, With all the wigged elves. For we poor Commons progged upon Short commons by ourselves. BARRETTS FAMOUS LATIN Yet Bob we had our part, and so PUN. We did it well and frisky ; For every glass of wine they drank THERE studied in college dur­ We drank a glass of whiskey. ing the Doctor's reign an ill- favoured youth named King, * " Beauteous boy, trust not too much to colour." The pleasantry consists in ren­ whom his fellow-students spoke dering the first two principal words by of and addressed as Formosus " Formosus, my boy." MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES, 119 Which though not's good as wine, is very So much he pleased the Royal ear. Far before October, That sure as I'm a sinner, For if we drank of that all night He would have been, delightful thought! We'd still be beastly sober. A knight before his dinner." Of course you know old Jacky Barrett, The king is shown through Hat and wig also. The snuff upon his chin and cravat. the public buildings, then sits Hat and breeches too. down to dinner, and the fellows He's four feet and a little bit. entertain him with solid dis­ His head as pumpkin big. course, And in the height most folks allow Eight inches for his wig. " And so they did : the king declares. Who's not without discerning. Such was the man, all fixed upon That never did he get before The monarch to address : So great a dose of learning. Oh, would that thou wert bigger, Jack, Or that thy wig was less ! And lest it should affect his brain. As too much learning may. For such a queer Vice-Chancellor He got up soberly at nine. Before a Royal eye. And wisely went away. Ne'er stood in this or any other U—ni—ver—si—ty. I swear if he had dined with us Poor scholars, we'd have gi-ven But what he wanted in his height Less learning, but by George, he He well made up in knowledge, wouldn't For all that know him, know his head Have left before eleven." Is in itself a college. The man of all for weighty lore. In nothing is he caret; * The learned Dominie Sampson was DR. BARRETT AND THE A fool to Jacky Barrett. MAYNOOTH PROFESSOR. The day of glorious days arrives. Spreads wide the bustling hum, Barrett is ready, hark, behold ! THE great scholar was once The mighty monarch's come. visited by a Maynooth professor who wished to avail himself of His gait is grave, his look profound. The monarch turns aside. his intimate knowledge of He­ As if to sneeze, but Oh ! it was brew to advance himself in that A tittering laugh to hide. study. They fell to work, and This soon passed off, and Jack com­ great progress was made in a menced comparatively short time. The His fine address to speak : Some thought it would have been in Latin, lessons coming to an end, the Others thought, in Greek. pupil laid on the table a respec­ However, as the worthy speaker table sum as fee, but took occa­ Spoke it, so I send it, sion to say that he had no means And for the sake of Barrett, Bob, of recompensing the interest I hope you'll comprehend it." which his tutor had taken in his We omit the oration. progress. Much as the Doctor loved money he would not touch " Oh ! had there been a sword within the honorarium, except to force The reach of our good king, A dagger, or a carving knife. it back. " You could not have Or any pointed thing. felt more pleasure," said he," in learning than I did in teaching. * Wanting: Correctly, He wants, or It You were so eager and so clear wants. 3 20 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. headed; and do you see me A HAUGHTY LADY now, a penny of your money SUBDUED. shall not go into my purse," THESE Limerick gentlemen just mentioned were excellent HOW THE KING WAS specimens of the good-natured, FRIGHTENED ON LEIN­ witty, generous, yet provident STER LA WN. Irishman. One day at a dinner party, Considine was rather POOR Mrs, Daxon was not so piqued by the neglect and con­ successful with His Majesty on tempt with which a young lady, his Irish visit as Reverend his next neighbour, received his John, though she was only a polite efforts to entertain her. little more bizarre in appear­ So he began to address himself ance. Her husband Giles, trea­ to the people on each side and surer for Limerick County, and opposite, and scattered about Heffernan Considine, of the such a profusion of wit, humour, same county, had afforded the and drollery, that the haughty King much entertainment by fair one was obliged to burst their wit, Irish idiom, and lus­ into a hearty fit of laughter, cious brogue, and poor Mrs, " Now, my proud lady," con­ Daxon, not having studied the tinued he, "as I have taken fable of " The Ass and the Lap- a little of the starch out of you, dog," determined on showing will you take a glass of wine her gratitude for the notice with me?" She complied, and taken of her dear husband. treated him thenceforth with In person Mrs, Daxon was marked attention. short and plump, but to give herself the advantage of height, This lady showed much od­ she bore on her head a high dity in her conduct as well as plume of ostrich feathers. As in her manner, Mr, Robert M,, His Majesty was enjoying a in his " Recollections of Ire­ promenade on Leinster Lawn land," relates how she rejected (rere of the Royal Dublin So­ the suit of a rich and amiable ciety's House), the lady stepped young gentleman, as he had out directly in front, went on had no experience of the con­ one knee, and wdth hands up­ jugal state, and yet accepted lifted was about to pronounce a him after the death of the lady blessing on him ; but the dis­ who did become his wife, and mayed, though foremost gentle­ left him ten children to take man in Europe, whispered to care of his Achates, " Bloomfield, get that terrible woman away, if you desire to see me leave the THE BIG MAN OF CLARE. lawn alive." AN equally estimable man with Daxon and Considine, was their neighbour of Clare, Mr. MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 121 Green, solicitor, whom his fa­ omit locking the outside doors miliars and the general public at night. If any of my tenants distinguished by the title of happened to find me by the " Bumbo Green," He was per­ highway overtaken in liquor, his haps the largest specimen of first care would be to take me humanity whom the present on his back and trudge home vsTiter had ever the fortune to with me. Now if that happened see in his perambulations of with you (his interlocutor was a Dublin streets. hard man), Thigue or Donogha, Once, when about to take supposing he did not put his coach for Clare, he sent his ser­ foot on your neck, would leave vant to the office with directions you there to the mercy of the to secure two inside places, weather. Our nobleman's con­ " Well," inquired he, on the fidence arose from his Christian man's return, " did you suc­ conduct towards his tenants. ceed ?"—" I did," said he," after He lived among them, his rents a manner. There was but were low, and he never seized one place vacant inside, so I on the cattle of an industrious paid for that and an outside man, nor visited him with an one too,"—"A very wise thing ejectment. He was as fearless you did, indeed," ruefully ob­ of the gun-muzzle resting on served the poor big man, " but the hedge and looking him in what part of me do you intend the face as Juvenal's penniless to endure the cold on the roof?" traveller in the presence of the thief

A LANDLORD REGARDLESS OF AMBUSH. A HAPPY THOUGH NOT STRICTLY LITERAL AS we have got into a vein of estimable characters, we must TRANSLATION. mention a descendant of the THE passage in Latin just historical Lord Clonmel, of now alluded to, viz.,— whom his biographers have been obliged to record some harsh "Cantabit vacuus coram latrone viator,"* proceedings. This nobleman being once submitted in " Tri­ possessing large estates in Tip­ nity " to a rough specimen of a perary as well as in Kildare, was Kerry student for an accurate some years ago expostulated translation, he gave, without a with on his disregard to his per­ moment's delay,— sonal safety, among the wild and revengeful men of the first- " The empty traveller will whistle named county, " Ah, what have Before the robber and his pistol." I to fear ?" said he ; "I have not the ill-will of a single man, * "The empty (moneyless) traveller will woman, or child on my lands. sing in presence of the highwayman." I believe the servants sometimes 122 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. Hesiod had these identical gen­ A TRANSLATION THE RE­ tlemen in his mind when, in his VERSE OF THE LAST. Batramyomachia, he patrioti­ cally exclaimed,—• ONE of our judges of re­ fined classical taste was once ' Cantabit vacuus coram latrone -viator,' when on circuit, encumbered with a jury of mere bucolic The literal meaning of which, worthies, before whom he could as your lordship need not be not have the pleasure of making told, is, 'Where would be the the slightest allusion to his fa­ king, the priest, the judge, or vourite authors, nor exchanging the soldier, without the farmer ideas in the Greek or Roman and his ox,' that is, horse, for tongues with the barristers. modern adaptation,"—" Whatdo Wishing to get rid of his twelve you mean?" said the judge in sages without affronting them, surprise; " your quotation is not he began, just as a trial had from the Greek of Homer or concluded, to compliment them Hesiod, but, as every school-boy on their intelligence, their pa­ knows, forms a line of Juvenal." tience, and the unwearied at­ —" Juvenal, my lord ! you are tention they had given to the surely misinformed," The judge various trials which they had de­ looked earnestly at the coun- cided. He further hinted that if seller to find, if possible, the longer confinement to the Court drift of his fooling, but his coun­ was undesirable, they might with­ tenance was impenetrable. " Mr, draw, and a new jury be sworn. Curran," said he, in a displeased But the flattery of the polished tone, " let there be an end to judge had such effect that one this ridiculous discussion. What and all declared they were can you mean by quoting as willing to remain at their post Greek a line of school-boy's for three days more if required. Latin?"—"My lord, this not The unfortunate dignitary cast, being a legal question, you will in his distress, a glance of re­ allow me to differ with your signed misery at Curran,* who lordship. I am so confident of soon came to his relief, but in the correctness of my opinion, an unexpected fashion, that I am quite willing to send up the quotation to the gentle­ " My lord," said he, " the men in the jury-box, and if compliment just paid does as they don't find it to be Greek,— much honour to your lordship if it is not sound heathen Greek as to the gentlemen of the jury. to them,—I'll give your lordship Probably the great Greek poet leave to commit me for con­ tempt of Court." Here a scat­ * If the judicious reader detect any mis­ tered laugh arose through the take in the name of the counsellor, or the building, the judicial brow re­ identity of the quotation, let him take as laxed, and a few of the jurors excuse the fact of the writer not having met with the original anecdote for a quarter guessing they were the providers of a century. MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 123 of the merriment, whispered the We had the fortune of once others. The foreman, addressing enjoying acquaintance with Mr. the bench, said he and his col­ M y, an estimable man, but leagues would avail themselves slightly unmanageable, and are of his lordship's indulgence, and persuaded that he would have judge and counsellors breathed acted as related. Master Goold's again. sudden defeat is not so easily accounted for.

A FIDGET ON THE BENCH. FORCE OF HABIT: SECOND JUDGE GOOLD, Master in EXAMPLE. Chancery, was a different man from the robed gentleman last- THE curious opinion on the mentioned. He was of a rest­ effect of long usage quoted less, turbulent, fidgety, and below, is said to have been ut­ rough disposition, and could not tered when one of our judges sit quietly in his chair of judg­ on circuit was perfecting him­ ment for any length. The self in patient habits at Mary­ anecdote about to be related borough. appears so incredible, that we Mr. Hayes, a barrister, thus prefer giving it in the words of occupied himself with Mr. Edge, Mr. Robert M., before quoted. a physician. This gentleman, if living, will " If a person lying on wet be found in the neighbourhood straw were deprived of all the of Her Majesty's Castle of comforts or necessaries of life, Windsor, and when found may would it not hasten death?"— be questioned. " That would greatly depend on " One solicitor, M y by whether he had been accustomed name, whom we all thought a to them."—" Do you mean to little cracked, being, when en­ tell us that if a person lived in gaged in a case in which he was a horse-pond, it would not be personally interested, tantalized injurious to him ?"—" I think by Goold's fidgets and furies, not, if he had lived sixty or one moment with his coat tails seventy years in it." turned up at the fire, and the next in his seat on the bench, cursing and swearing like a SIX AND EIGHT PENCE. trooper, says to him, 'Arrah, MR, M,, to whom we owe the can't you be aisy, and bad cess anecdote of Master Goold, and (success) to you ! Stick to that who was formerly a solicitor in bench of yours, and not be run­ extensive practice in Dublin, ning up and down like a skittish relates that when anxiously con­ tom-tit every moment,' We all sulting for the comfort of his expected a committal, but no, patrons at an entertainment he became quiet, and business in given at great expense, he over­ consequence went rapidly on," heard Sir William O'Malley ob- 124 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. serving to some attentive hs- cried the wife, " is standing out teners, " Mr, M, will have to there? Your name if you please," lay an additional six and eight- " A friend," " That won't do ; pence on some of his clients go away out of that," " I have to-morrow for this display." got a brief for your master as Finding himself overheard, he well as a fee ; so open the door, cast a frightened look at the or I'll take both away. The attorney, and darted out of the hungry woman and her rush­ room and out of the house, light soon became visible to the without even waiting for his hat. man on the landing ; milk, but­ ter, and eggs appeared on the breakfast table next day, and A CURIOUS RISE IN LAW- misery took leave of the poor people. LIFE. It was a very unedifying and WE are indebted for the fol­ immoral circumstance, accord­ lowing sketch to the author of ing to Mr, M,, for an obscure " Recollections of Ireland," He papist lawyer to arrive at any evidently disliked the hero and eminence in his profession. heroine of the narrative, and got Worse still, a Jesuit, who, won­ so disturbed on the very thres­ derful to relate, neither set the hold of it, as to make the locality Castle chapel on fire during ser­ where the story was to begin a vice, nor blew up the Liffey to perplexed terra ignota. drown all the Protestants on its " In a house up in Hatch banks, secretly aided the pesti­ Street, or in some other small lent lawyer and his wife, and he street, up in that or some other in good time appeared at the locality, and in a high-up garret Castle, " hopping and skipping, room was a low-lived, mean and snapping his fingers ; and looking man without friends or she dressed out with hoops and connection," lappets aping the queen," This mean man made out the cause by assisting one rather A DISTINCTION ACCOMPA­ clever barrister, and another NIED BY A DIFFERENCE. perhaps as clever, but low-bred and vulgar, and distinguished by GOOD but slightly prejudiced a brogue—assisting them to wit Mr. M, looked on the Roman in their drudgery. Even in a Catholic portion of her Majes­ garret room in a low street some­ ty's Irish subjects as disloyal at where or other, and no one to be heart, and therefore ill-adapted supported but the vulgar man to fill places of Government and his equally vulgar wife, but­ trust. The governing powers ter or eggs seldom appeared on have however learned to distin­ the table, but the tide thus guish between papists and pa­ turned. pists, as the author of Recollec­ Late at night came a knock tions of Ireland chooses to call at the garret room door, " Who," them. The individuals of one MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 125 class, sincere in the faith and "Sketches of the Irish Bar," practice in which they have been He supposed his man, a Catho- educated, have been early taught hc barrister proceeding down as well in their three-halfpenny Capel Street to the courts, and catechisms as in more expensive finding a corpse suspended from works, that it is sinful to resist every lamp post which he passed. or combine against established This loyal and (we must say) authorities, or even to speak apathetic man having got to the with contempt or disrespect of quay, would merely ask some those who rule over us. Folk intelligent person if these per­ thus disciplined can hardly be sons had been executed accord­ driven into rebellion by the most ing to law. Being answered in reckless tyranny. Others are the affirmative, he would sigh only Catholics in name. They out, " All right," and continue are kept in the body through a his walk up Ormond Quay, and variety of circumstances, are mention to some brother bar­ self-willed to the core, undeter­ rister the appearance of the mined in belief, and not at all Capel Street lamps with the inclined to submit to discipline. same indifference as he would a If a young fellow of this class dog-fight, or the vagaries of a happens to be a student in drunken tinker at the foot of Trinity College, he will freely Essex bridge. eat fish on any day of the week except Friday, He will not touch salmon or ling on that AN ABSENT MAN. day for any consideration. He must manifest himself to his WE have lately been consider­ fellow students and his superiors ing instances of temporary ab­ as a philosophical Cawtholic, sence of the thinking powers in long freed from childish preju­ such learned men as Sir Isaac dices. To the first of these Newton and Dr, Barrett, but the classes belong the old Catholic shortcomings of these intellec­ families of England, and those tual giants are little above zero of Ireland, whose faith and when compared with those of a practice and inner life thorough­ clergyman, a friend of Mr, M,, ly correspond with their outward on whose " Recollections " we profession. Her Majesty owns have so liberally drawn. He no more genuinely loyal subjects was chaplain to a foreign em­ than the individuals of this divi­ bassy, and in performing the sion. Those of the second will service, and doing his duty in also be loyal as long as their in­ the pulpit, never made a mis­ terests or their inclinations make take or suffered a lapse of me­ it convenient to be so. mory. But his peculiar talent exhibited itself in a distress­ An exaggerated specimen of ing manner on his wed­ loyalty and resignation to exist­ ding day. Scarcely did he ing authority was furnished by become possessor of a charming the late Mr, Shiel in his and amiable bride, when his 126 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. brains went wool gathering. He at him, and finally was asto­ stalkeddown through thechurch, nished at seeing his hat waiting out at the door, and into his for him on the hall table. He coach, and was about giving did not trust to his eyes till he directions to the coachman when ran his hand over his head. his justly offended father-in-law seized his arm, and pointed to his disconsolate bride at the ''YOU CARRY CMSAR." church door. Dismayed at his neglect, he sprung out, ran to SUCH, as some school boys the weeping beauty, made what­ know, was the courage-inspiring ever excuse came uppermost, little speech made by Julius and behaved the rest of the day Czesar to his boatman when ter­ and all succeeding days as well ror-stricken by the fierce wind as any absent philosopher in and the swelling waves. It was Europe, parodied on an occasion when the gentlemen of the Leinster circuit were waiting on the Kil­ kenny side of the ferry of Bal- HE FORGETS HIS OWN linlaw on the Barrow for a NAME AND HIS OWN HAT. favourable moment to cross to the Wexford side, A storm was OUR Reverend philosopher's blowing, the river angry, and next exploit was achieved at the the ferryman fearful, but briefs foreign post office. Stepping were on the other side of the in one morning, he politely in­ river, and the venture was worth quired, " Are there any letters the risk. Among the barris­ for me ? " " Favour me with ters was Csesar Colclough of your name, sir, and I will try." Tintern, who cherished on his "My name — my name —my journeys a pair of valued saddle­ name ! It's very odd. Are there bags. While the rest were hesi­ any letters for me ? " " How can tating like a timorous young I tell when I am ignorant of bather with one toe in the water, your name ?" Away he stalked, Mr. Colclough (afterwards one growling against the stupidity of the members for Wexford) of the man, and still more courageously flung in his tra­ against his own. By good for­ velling appendages, and still tune he met an acquaintance. more courageously followed " Good morning, sir," " Good them, Mr. Charles Kendal morning, Mr, G," "Just so. Bushe (afterwards Judge) being Much obliged !" and returning also of the party, embalmed the to the office he obtained the ex­ exploit in the following qua­ pected letters. train,— Paying a visit one day, he " While meaner souls the tempest keeps in forgot to resume his hat when awe. leaving the friend's house. He Intrepid Colclough crossing Ballinlaw, took a walk through the town, Shouts to the boatman, shivering in his rags, wondered why everyone stared ' You carry Cassar and his saddle bags.'" MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 127 Sir Jonah adds some particu­ A friend of Bushe's not re­ lars whose authenticity we do markable for cleanliness asked not vouch. Getting dismayed him what was best to be done during the passage, he began to in order to get rid of a soreness cry on the Lord for protection, in his throat. He replied, " A " Arrah, Counsellor," said the prescription was lately written boatman, " don't go on praying out for me by a learned phy­ that side if you plase. Sure it's sician, and I think I have it by the other lad you ought to be heart, A certain fluid chemic­ praying to," ally compounded of eight parts " What lad do you mean ?" by weight of oxygen and one of cried Colclough in alarm. hydrogen, is to be raised by the "Whatlad! Why,Counsellor, action of fire to about loo de­ the ould people do be always grees of Fahrenheit. Into this saying that the divel takes care you introduce your limbs till the of his own, and if you don't vex surface of the fluid and the him by praying the other way, upper part of the calves of your I really think. Counsellor, we legs are in a plane. Then taking have a purty safe cargo aboard Avena triturata in your hands this present passage." (I believe the vulgar name is oatmeal), and dropping it in the liquid, you bring it briskly into contact with the epidermis of SOME TRIFLES OF CESAR'S your limbs by the process called LAUREATE. friction, and carry on the opera­ tion briskly for a quarter of an A COUPLE of Irish rarce aves hour or so. Then—" " Oh, (rare birds) had very wisely de­ that is sufficient, I think all clined an appeal to arms, one this is only fine language for on account of his wife whom he washing the feet." " Well it is tenderly loved, the other on ac­ indeed open to that objection, count of his daughter, whom he but not the less effective." loved as tenderly (and indeed we commend the wisdom of one and the other from the bottom THE END OF A PUBLIC of our hearts). Counsellor Bushe, who had probably made a more MAN. profound study of the sixty-four " IRELAND Sixty Years Ago," (duelling) articles than the if a copy is now attainable, may Thirty-nine, made this impromp­ be profitably consulted for the tu on the circumstances ;— gaol literature of A.D, 1800 and some years earlier. Readers " Two heroes of Erin, abhorrent of will there find melodies celebrat­ slaughter. Improved on the Hebrew command ; ing executions and their eves, One honoured his wife, and the other when the man about to die was his daughter. That their days might be long in the visited by his friends and rela­ land." tives, and waked in approved 128 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES, style with accompaniments of was tried for the crime, and card playing, some drinking, sentenced for execution by and a little quarrelling. They Judge Day, who was a just will also find, composed in judge in bad times, and disre­ choice slang, lays appropriate garded the eulogiums with which to bull baiting, and May-bush Major Sirr belauded O'Brien gathering, and the battles con­ during the trial. The delight of sequent on these now obsolete the populace was unbounded, entertainments, A vast ocean of people surged Tom Galvin was the Calcraft round the prison and under the of Kilmainham, and relished his gallows. A delay occurred, the functions as much as ever did people became impatient, and Denis in the history of Barnaby finally uneasy lest the govern­ Rudge, When sitting by friend ment should have yielded to the or acquaintance, Tom would memorial which was known to occasionally fling his lasso over have been presented in his his head, and by a playful chuck favour, A multitudinous mur­ give him an inkling of what he mur gradually gave place to a would experience if he did not loud boom of popular indigna­ pursue good courses. Jemmy tion. The delay was caused by O'Brien the informer, who the cowardice of O'Brien, who brought some guilty and (per­ shrank from his approaching haps) more guiltless beings as doom. Prostrate on his knees customers to Tom Galvin's place he begged intervals of indul­ of business, was considered his gence according as the turnkey great friend and patron, Tom reminded him that his hour had never dreaming the while of come. At length Tom Galvin being one day obliged to execute the hangman, a person of bar­ judgment on Jemmy, We quote barous humour, accosted him, Mr, Fitzpatrick with regard to "Ah, Misther O'Brien, long life O'Brien's latest exploit and clos­ to you, sir ! come out on de bal­ ing scene, cony, and don't keep de people waitin', Dey are mighty onaisy " In the year 1800 O'Brien entirely under dQ swing swong," was deputed to scrutinise some persons who had assembled for the purpose of playing football near Steevens'-lane, In scram­ JEMMY O'BRIEN UNDER bling over a fence which en­ THE SCREW. closed the field, assisted by an old man named Hoey, who " GENTLEMEN of the Jiury," happened to be on the spot, the said Curran during the trial of cry of 'O'Brien the informer' an unfortunate man brought into was immediately raised, the the dock by the wretch whose people fled, and O'Brien in his miserable end has been just chagrin turned round, and illo- described, "How does Mr. gically wreaked his vengeance O'Brien's tale hang together? by stabbing Hoey to death. He He walks along crowded Thom- MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES, I2q as street in the open day, and is but mark the metamorphosis. accosted by a man, who with­ He who feared to resist in the out any preface, tells him he open air and in the face of the will be murdered before he goes public, becomes a brave when half the street unless he becomes pent up in a room, and environed a United Irishman. Now, sup­ by sixteen men. And one is pose that any of you gentlemen obliged to bar the door, while be a United Irishman, a Free­ another swears him, which after mason, or a Friendly Brother, some resistance is accordingly and that you met me walking, done, and poor Mr. O'Brien be­ innocently walking along, just comes a United Irishman to like Mr. O'Brien, and meaning savehis precious life, .. The pill no harm, would you say, 'Stop, is so bitter to the percipiency of Mr, Curran ! don't go further; his loyal palate that he is filled you'll be murdered before you up to the neck with whiskey, go half the street if you do not lest he should throw it off his become an United Irishman, a stomach, , This cannibal, this Friendly Brother, or a Free­ demon greedy after human gore, mason,' Did you ever hear such has fifteen other victims in re­ coaxing, such an invitation to serve, if, from your verdict, he felonyas this? 'Sweet Mr. James receives the unhappy man at the O'Brien, come in and save your bar. Be you, then, their saviours ! precious life. Come in, and take Let your verdict snatch them an oath, or you'll be murdered from his ravening maw, and in­ before you go half the street. terpose between yourselves and Do, sweetest, dearest, Mr, James endless remorse !" O'Brien, come in, and do not risk your valuable existence!' What a loss had he been to his KING MOB. king whom he loves so marvel­ lously ! Well, what does poor HAD Jemmy been reprieved Mr, O'Brien do? Poor dear man, the mighty mob would have pro­ he stands petrified with the bably executed an incalculable magnitude of his danger. All amount of mischief Forty-one his members refuse their office. years before, their predecessors He can neither run from the had in their hands the govern­ danger nor call for assistance ; ment of things in general for a his tongue cleaves to the roof short time. In 1759 there began of his mouth, and his feet incor­ to be generally entertained a porate with the paving stones. suspicion of a design on the It is in vain that his expressive part of Government to bring eye silently implores protection about a Union. The Duke of from the passengers. He yields Bedford, then Lord Lieutenant, at length, as greater men have was a popular governor, but done, and resignedly submits to private secretary Rigby was fate. He enters the house, a much disliked. The mob acting parcel of men make faces at him. on the impulse of the moment, assembled at the door of the K I30 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. House of Commons, and House of Lords, and Sir Thomas would give no credence to Prendergast incautiously coming Rigby, who came to them and to the door, they seized him by assured them they had no found­ the nose and rolled him in the ation for their suspicion. He mud. Within, they were guiky gave place to the speaker Pon- of much indecency. They placed sonby, who had the address to an old woman on the throne, pacify them, and send them and got in pipes and tobacco home. for her. They would have burned The fears of the people were the journals in the House of only allayed for a time. Some Commons, only for the ad­ new suspicious proceedings oc- dress of the clerk, who repre­ curing, a couple of drummers in sented the irreparable mischief the college livery made their which the destruction of the re­ appearance in the Liberty, and cords of 1755 would occasion. proclaimed that if the people did Their attention being turned off not rise by one o'clock an act this wise project, they adminis­ would be passed to abolish par­ tered sundry lashes to one of liaments in Ireland. An im­ their body, who had pulled off mense crowd soon collected the hat of Lord Tavistock, son round Chichester House, seized of the Lord Lieutenant, Both on the members as they were he and his father were popular, making their way in, and obliged Rigby would have certainly been each to take oath that he would hung had they discovered him. resist a Union, They were with The Lord Lieutenant sent to difficulty prevented from taking Mr. Rowley, a Presbyterian, and the mayor to disperse the mob, in the opposition too,and drown­ but he excused himself as the ing him. They pulled off Lord riot act had no force in Ireland. Tnchiquin's periwig and red rib­ So a troop of horse was sent bon, and administered the oath among the crowd with strict to him. As he stammered some­ orders not to fire. These, slash­ what, they began to curse him, ing about with their swords, but finding it was an O'Brien scattered the people, but at the whom they had in their clutches, expense of fifteen or sixteen their insults turned to acclama­ lives, tions. They pulled the Bishop of Killala and the Lord Chan­ OLD STEPHEN'S GREEN. cellor Bowes outof theircoaches, and swore them, but entertain­ HOWEVER some discontented ing some doubt of the binding individuals may laud the " good quality of the oath administered old times," comparisons gene­ by themselves, they made the rally turn out favourable to those Lord Chancellor renew his vow in which we live. When the in presence of the Lord Chief Sham Squire and Buck Whalley Justice, occupied houses on the southern side of our great square, the in­ Next paying a visit to the closure was little better than a MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES, ni paddock for cattle, the chief defence against trespassers con­ THE LORD MA YOR OF sisting of a deep and wide trench DUBLIN MYSTIFIED. redolent of muddy matter in bad weather. But between this and IT was the privilege of that a parallel low wall on the north great man to pasture his horses side of the Green extended a and cows in the great inclosure. spacious walk, the fashionable One morning in special he derived promenade of Dublin, There little benefit from his breakfast, might be seen the Sham Squire for an unprincipled wag, an ac­ arm-in-arm with Buck Whalley, quaintance of his, called in when and doing " the captivating " to he had only got through half the not very friendly crowd, his that meal, and informed him three-cocked hat fringed with that one of the horses in the swan's-down, his canary-co­ Green had lost a foot. Out he loured waistcoat keeping his went in a hurry, vowing dire breeches of the same hue in punishment on the mutilator, countenance, and his long and and into the inclosure he sharp-tailed green body coat hastened, accompanied by a adorned with highly burnished couple of his people, who lost buttons, Violet gloves concealed no time in collecting the cattle his stumpy fingers, and gold round the statue of George II., tassels depended from the tops which had and still has posses­ of his Hessian boots. A con­ sion of the centre of the inclo­ temporary pamphlet represented sure. According as each animal the Squire at a drawing-room was examined, it was dismissed window of his house on the from the crowd, but the anxious south side of the square (now eyes of the owner were unable No, 84) looking down with con­ to discover the slightest injury tempt on people whose shoes he sustained by any one. The last had once cleaned. One of the beast was dismissed, and the vehicles of the day was called a master looking about him in noddy, and Higgins is said to perplexity, when one of his re­ have been in the mind of the tainers happening to cast his originator of the proverb, " Ele­ eyes up at the statue, gave a loud gance and ease, like a shoe-black laugh, and cried, " Oh, master, in a noddy," Had Sir Andrew we're fairly circumvented. It's Agnew been sitting in a window the poor King's horse that met in the house of the Buck or with the accidence, but he doesn't the Squire on a Sunday in the seem to mind it." month of September, 1789, and witnessed the excitement of a crowd, with all their eyes intent MAJOR SIRR IN HIS on a horse race in the big pad­ DECLINE. dock, he might perhaps have survived the shock. To omit all circumstances connected with Major Sirr when mentioning the men and things K 2 132 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. of " Ninety-eight " would be re­ specified to get a few hours' peating the mistake of omitting sleep at his country place, that the character of Hamlet from he returned into the city to dine, the play of that name. But we and that he passed the live long are not fond of presenting his­ night in company, wide awake. torical characters of whom none An acquaintance once men­ of their contemporaries have said tioned to Mrs, O'Byrne that he anything good. When copying happened to drop in one day at some of the fine water-colour the head police court, where the drawings in the schools of the Major presided, and witnessed Royal Dublin Society, A.D, 1827 an exciting scene. He had just or 1828, we frequently remarked sentenced a reckless old lady the Major strolling through the of the Coombe or the Weavers' rooms, and interesting himself Square to a solitary confine­ about the distribution of the ment of a day or so on account prizes. He kept up a lively of some late boisterous exhibi­ conversation with one gentle­ tion of hers while under the in­ man or another, his companion. fluence of Mr. Richard Swivel- He was rarely alone, and his ler's Rosy. On hearing the fiat tones were those of one who in she burst out into a fearful nar­ erroneous parlance is said " to rative of some of her judge's speak through his nose," He acts during the reign of terror, had entirely the appearance of and so affected him that he a lover of jesthetics, one who had passed his life in galleries stopped his ears, looked about of the Fine Arts. helplessly for a little, and then shouted to the police, " Take Mrs. Anastasia O'Byrne, who her a\^ay, take her away ! for has afforded so much aid to the heaven's sake take her away !" writers of local history of our day, gave more sombre remini­ scences of the Major to Mr. BE A TEN A T HIS O WN Fitzpatrick, She had, without WEAPONS. being aware of his identity, fre­ quently remarked him driving A DIFFERENT man in charac­ from the Castle to his place in ter was the good-natured, learned, CuUenswood about one o'clock humorous, and intensely witty in the day. He was always Ferdinand Theodore Porter, who wrapped in a dark camlet or sat in the police magistrate's cloth cloak, he exhibited a stern chair some time later than 1745, but not repulsive countenance, but the preci:<^ vear we have not and might be considered the at the moment leisure to ascer­ remnant of a handsome man. tain. If not before Major Sirr's After repeated inquiries she dis­ day there is no help for it. If covered who he was, that he our man did not bandy jokes wore armour under his clothes, with Curran and Mac Nally, he that he enjoyed no rest at night, was well qualified to do so. that he drove out at the hour Small chance one or the other MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 133 would have to boast a victory tion, A cord was provided, with over him in the war of wits. a loop at the end of it ; this loop But as Curran sometimes was laid on the pavement, and " stumbled over a potato " (our the thieves watched the ap­ authority is Lord Byron), even proach of a passenger. If he so our scholar and humourist put his foot in the loop it was incurred a signal defeat at the immediately chucked ; the man tongue of an own sister of the fell prostrate, and was dragged bibulous citizeness just men­ rapidly up to some cellar or tioned. The good magistrate waste yard, where he was robbed, had not the slightest idea of a and sometimes murdered. The wordy controversy with the stun received by the fall usually woman bemused in liquor. He prevented the victim from ever was advising her for her good, recognising the robbers. We and feelingly besought her to knew a gentleman who had been renounce whiskey, punch, and thus robbed. When he re­ beer. Mark the ungrateful re­ covered he found himself in an turn,—"As to them lickers, alley at the corner of a lane off your worship," shouted she, " I'll Bride Street, nearly naked, and say nothing, but to the hcur if severely lacerated and contused my death I'll give my curse to by being dragged over the rough PORTHER." pavement,"

OLD DUBLIN DURING THE WATER SOLD AT A HIGH DARK HOURS. PRICE. THE police office just passed DURING part of last century through reminds us by associa­ our city was as badly off for tion of the generally inefficient water as we have just seen it body of commissioners, chiefs, was for light. The supply com­ and constables who misruled the ing from the Dodder at Tem- city till within the past half cen­ pleoge, passed through Mr. tury. Thus the late Edward Compton Domville's lands, and Walsh, Master of the Rolls, this gentleman, when at high feud spoke on the subject in his with the corporation, more than " Ireland Sixty Years Ago." once cut the bank, and dammed "So late as 1812 there were the current, and left the citizens only twenty-six small oil lamps without the needful element. to light the immense square of Once the Lord Lieutenant was •Stephen's Green, which were, obliged to bring a large force of therefore, one hundred and horse and foot to discomfort Mr, seventy feet from each other. Domville's retainers, who under The foot-pads congregated in a his orders were preventing the dark entry if the moon shone ; water supply from reaching the if not, the dim and dismal light city. At last the incommoded of the lamps was little obstruc­ I citizens looked to another quar- 134 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. ter for relief, and by " exerting their energies," the grand canal A LIBERTY TAKEN WITH began to supply the city in HISTORY BY TRADITION. 1775- THIS is how that independible The strongest manifestation carrier of stories, Tradition, has of Mr, Domville to war with the preserved the fact of the homi­ city to the last drop, was exhi­ cide. bited under the circumstances Lord Santry belonged to that about to be related. detestable body, the Hell-fire Lord Santry, a rather ill-con­ Club, whose uniform was red and ducted young nobleman, having black, whose members used most drunk rather freely at the fair of blasphemous language, drank Palmerstown, and quarrelled the health of the devil, and were with a poor man named Laugh- guilty of many diabolical acts. Ian Murphy, stabbed him on This Lord, being at the club very slight provocation. Sud­ house in Saul's Court, Fishamble denly repenting of his deed, he Street, made a man drink an gave a surgeon money, and re­ excessive quantity of brandy, quested him to look after the and forced more into his throat, wounded man, but this func­ till at last the passage was filled tionary sadly neglected his up to his very mouth; then a charge ; he left the poor crea­ lighted candle was applied to ture lying on damp straw, and this opening, and the spirit tak­ death ensued. ing fire, blazed away till the Lord Santry's trial for this poor wretch was burned to crime was the first held in the death. Irish House of Lords (1739). He was found guilty, and con­ demned to die, and Dublin So­ CHANGING THEIR ciety was moved to its centre. COLOURS. The nobleman had been no favourite, but when the sentence THOUGH the two great par­ was known, memorials were ties, to one or other of which drawn up in every quarter. The nearly every native of Ireland heaviest pressure was however belongs, are steadfast enough in applied by Compton Domville, keeping to their line of politics, He protested in the most solemn they have changed their colours manner that if his relative was since William gazed on the Irish executed, he would effectually lines from the hillocks over the cut off the water supply. The Boyne, To avoid confusion on culprit was pardoned, but the the day of fight, where French, title became forfeited, and the Dutch, Danes, English, and estates passed into the posses­ Irish might be confusedly mixed, sion of Sir Compton Dom­ the Williamites bore green twigs, ville. green ribbons, and any other portable green thing procurable, while the Jacobites, in the failure MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 135 of white silk, stuck bits of white home, having a sum of money paper in their hats. Since then about him, and Caulfield at his green has been substituted for desire accompanied him. After white, and orange for greeA, some time Caulfield returned Some of the volunteer corps of to Waterford, and continued to 1782 bore oak leaves in their live there unmolested, though he hats in honour of William and excited his neighbours' curiosity the Boyne, though they were far on one occasion by getting from approving of his parlia­ twelve shirts made by twelve ment abolishing the wool trade different young women, A re­ of Ireland, This measure they port got abroad that a young reprobated in their charter song, man of the neighbouring county, one verse of which we subjoin, expected home for some time, the well-beat sheepskin being of had not arrived. An innkeeper course the volunteer drum, Pat of Portlaw shortly after came thus addressed his brother into Waterford, and deposed John:— before the magistrates that Caul­ field had come to his house with " Were you not cursed dull when you took another man, whom he now sus­ off our wool, To leave us so much of the leather, the pected to have been murdered leather; by him, and that they had gone It ne'er entered your pate that a sheep­ from his house in the direction skin well beat. Will bring a whole nation together, of the home of the young man together. now missing. One and all, young and old, ne'er com­ plain of the cold. When asked how he remem­ Though stripped to the skin and the bone, sir, the bone, sir : bered these casual customers so All join the parade, and shout out a free well, he hesitated, but when trade. Or else you may leave it alone, sir, pressed, he explained the matter. alone, sir." The morning of the day in which they arrived at his place his wife told him a dream which she had WOMEN'S DREAMS NEVER had the night before, and which was continuing to trouble her. ATTENDED TO. Two men entered the house, ABOUT the time when our stayed some time, and then went volunteers were enjoying the away. Her spirit accompanied bravery and excitement of their them, till at a certain spot, of parades round the statue of Wil­ which she gave a distinct de­ liam in College Green, a young scription, she saw one murder, man named Hickey, a native of rob, and bury the other. the county of Cork, returning When Hickey and Caulfield from Newfoundland, made ac­ arrived at the house, the woman quaintance with a Mr. Caulfield started, and as soon as she while on the voyage from Eng­ found an opportunity, told her land to Waterford, After stop­ husband that these were the ping in that city for a short very men she had seen in her time, Hickey started on foot for dream. When they were about 136 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. to set out on their journey after is the time," and he accordingly taking some refreshment, Mr. gave the death-blow to his Rogers, the innkeeper, endea­ victim. voured to persuade them to stay Caulfield was a handsome with him till next morning, but man, appeared to be sensible to they were intent on going, and religious influences, and to be left the place accordingly. sincerely penitent for his crime. The magistrates, keeping Caul­ We wish the pious ladies of field in custody, sent two or Waterford had not been so im­ three men in the direction which pressionable, but they did send the travellers had taken. The him choices of suits to die in, features of the locahty seen in and walked in the funeral pro­ the dream being impressed on cession singing the fifty-first their minds, they recognised Psalm, French novelists can them in a spot between Portlaw never show entire sympathy to and Carrick-on-Suir, and after a lady unless she has forgotten a careful search in its neigh­ her duty to God and her hus­ bourhood the corpse of Hickey band, Mr. Creakle's affectionate was discovered. At the next gushings (see David Copper- assizes the trial took place, field) were monopolized by Heep, Caulfield's counsel endeavoured Littimer, and such-like hypo­ to throw ridicule on the evidence critical rascals. In or.r narrative connected with the dream, but the murderer was s'jntenced by owing to the peculiar circum­ a judge of his own name, and in stances of the case they did not the dream the shorter man was carry the court or the jury with the murderer, w'.iile in reality he them. Even the judge in his charge adverted to the vision as became the vircim. an intervention of Providence, The prisoner was sentenced to die, and was executed, but not A HUNT IN DUBLIN till he had made full confession STREETS. of his crime. He had had it in his mind before the arrival at ON the north side of Merrion the inn, but was turned from his Square lived in the early part of design by the frightened earnest the present century a loving look which Mrs. Rogers cast on couple, into whose heads the him as he and his fellow traveller idea of matrimony had not en­ entered. tered till they had long passed the term of maturity, the lady When they arrived at the fatal being nearly fifty on her wedding spot he mentioned to his com­ day, and the gentleman in all panion an inconvenience which probability some years older. his hand was suffering from Our authority, Mr, M.,more than knobs on his stick, and he ac­ once mentioned, calls the happy cordingly handed him his knife man Major Spread, and a good to smooth them down. The devil specimen of an Irish gentleman at once suggested to him, " Now was Major Spread, being six feet MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. -137 high, gifted with a rich southern melodious howls. The Major brogue, and much admired by and his folk followed them close­ Mrs. Spread, Seeing no pros­ ly, but were unable to force them pect of play-rooms or nursery- out of the course taken by the rooms being put in requisition joker. In this way they went on for a rising family, and not re­ to the terror of the fearful and lishing the stillness of a large the delight of the jackeens, empty house, the mistress pro­ through Clare, Leinster, and cured a dozen or so of barking Nassau streets. Their noses poodles, and the master several then taking a northerly direc­ couple of harriers. tion, they scoured Grafton,West­ In the morning Mrs. Spread morland, Sackville, and North entered the Square, surrounded Frederick streets, and turning by her pugs, and promenaded down Dorset Street the unfor­ for some time, enjoying the gam­ tunate followers of the chase be­ bols and excursions of her fa­ gan to fear that it might ap­ vourites, and having given them proach Dundalk or Drogheda and herself air and exercise, re­ at least before they could draw turned into the house. At ten rein. Things in this world are the Major showed himself, at­ never so bad but they might tended by his huntsman, whip- easily be worse. The harriers per in, &c., and all gave tongue turned down Gardiner Street, in their own way, the human nor stayed their course till they animals varying the vocal per­ gained the quay at the Custom formance with cracking of whips House. and blowing of horns. Now and Tired of the unpalatable pub­ then the men and dogs sought lic notice received from the suitable localities outside the gazers along the route of the town, but on one occasion a hunt, the Major hoped for a street coursing most annoying quiet return home, but it was not to the master's feelings was brought about in this wise. to be. Down along the quay with renewed ardour went the Just before the point of time dogs,and after innumerable ren- of the regular meet, one of that contres of a disagreeable charac­ class of mortals who delight in ter, dogs, horses, and men were inflicting ludicrous sufferings on " brought up all standing" at their fellow creatures, came on the lighthouse, the witty fellow the ground, and laying down a who caused the sport having thick slice of raw bacon on the there flung in the bacon as food pavement, and keeping the other for fishes. end of the string to which it was fastened in his hand, he set out on a brisk tour through a por­ MAJOR SPREAD'S MODE tion of the city. As soon as the dogs were well out in the street OF PAYING TAX. they got scent of the game, and MAJOR SPREAD was a man scampered after the dragger with of the nicest honour. When any 138 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. friend not endowed with fight­ ing qualities felt ill-inclined to A VERY CHEAP TIME. accept a hostile invitation, our PIECE, man was ready to be'his substi­ tute at a moment's notice. He PAT POWER of Daragle, Esq., paid his rent like an honest man, was as ready at the pistol as the and all king's duties like a loyal worthy Major, and equally ready subject, but to the demand of the to oblige a friend. Still he was Merrion Square Commissioners not blood-thirsty in the proper for an annual offering of ;^3 15 s, sense of the word. Standing on he was determipedly deaf The the sod opposite his fire-eating committee, finding all other friend, Mr. Bob Briscoe, he cried means of extracting the subsidy out, "I have stiU a friendship useless, sent a man armed with for you. Bob, and will show it." legal authority to the Major's He accordingly shot off one house, and this officer on being whisker and the tip of the ad­ denied any coined money what­ joining ear. ever, began to remove sundry Our man was somewhat handy articles of furniture to a clumsy, and never sought to van waiting for the purpose in disguise the place of his birth the street. by affectation of tone or pronun­ The master on returning from ciation. In a tour which he took a visit, and being shown the de­ through England he attracted solate condition of his parlour, considerable notice and occa­ walked to the Committee room, sional affronts, one of which he upbraided the gentlemen there corrected after a way of his own. assembled for their want of re­ As he was sitting in a box in spect to their neighbour, and a coffee room, he became the then and there invited the chair­ centre of attention to a group of man, Philip Doyne, to meet him gentlemen, who occupied a table in arms on the smooth turf of at the opposite end of the apart­ the Fifteen Acres, Doyne was ment. Hearing him give some not a fighting man, and in vain direction to a waiter, they recog­ the offended man requested nized him as an Irishman, and Benjamin Ball, the banker, and took it into their wise heads to other members, to support the extract some cheap amusement honour of the body. Collec­ out of him. One of the number tively and individually they re­ accordingly beckoned to a waiter, fused compliance till their chair­ and handed him a gold watch, man would lead the way. This directing him to show it to the he would not do " for any earth­ man in the opposite box, and ly crowns," in the language of ask him the hour. The attend­ Miss Miggs (Barnaby Rudge), ant did as he was desired, and and the poor Major was, after Mr, Power, taking the watch out all his annoyance, obliged to pay of his hands, said, " In a few the odious impost, saddled with moments I shall wait on the law costs. gentleman who sent you on this MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 139 errand, and tell him the time of the dish. Power or Bligh, which­ day to the moment." He called ever it was, taking up one of his to his servant for his pistols, put weapons, called out in an en­ one under each arm, walked over couraging tone, " Gentlemen, I to the table, and looking rather owe you something for your en­ sternly on the party, quietly tertainment. So I beg permis­ asked, "To whom does this sion to exchange shots with you, watch belong ? " There was no one at a time, however. If the answer, " Gentlemen, if no one first falls I shall then give satis­ claims it, I must take the trouble faction to the survivor ; my ser­ of keeping it till I discover the vant will give the word of com­ owner. Here," said he to his mand. Take up one of the servant, taking out a pinchbeck pistols ; it is primed and cocked. article, and handing it to him. When Paddy comes to ten " I have room only for one in counting slowly, either is at my fob, mind this for me till we liberty to blaze. Go on, Paddy; stumble on the owner of the one, two, three," But that was other." 2L. \ far as Paddy could get before tl ; humorous gentlemen were clean out of the house. The man in possession generously POTATOES AND PISTOLS. paid their bill. THE same gentleman, or, as some say, a Captain Bligh, a countryman of his, having or­ A TRUE ALL EL dered his supper at an inn in England, the waiter laid down ONE of the early trials in two covered dishes, which, when which the late Daniel O'Connell the covers were removed, were defended the accused man took found full of potatoes. " Whom place in Ennis, and it would may I thank for this plentiful seem at first as if no eloquence meal ?" said he to the waiter, could save the accused. The "These two gentlemen in the prosecutor distinctly swore that box at the end of the room." the prisoner, in company with "Very well. Please send my another, rushed on him at a servant," He came, and got his certain place, at seven o'clock directions. The man of Erin on a May evening, gripped him supped heartily on the potatoes, by the collar, and threatened to to the amazement of his provi­ blow his brains out, if he did ders, and at the conclusion of not give up the money which he the meal his servant came in, had received for a cow that day and placed a covered dish on at the fair, Mr, O'Connell plied his table, and another on that him hard with questions, but he occupied by the two men of wit. was not to be shaken, " There They raised the cover, and. Oh, was good light, and he looked horror ! two murderous firearms hard in the man's face." " How were discovered side by side in much whiskey did he drink at I40 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. the fair?"—" None ; two pints of porter only; was as sober as a judge," THE WRONG MAN IN THE When all seemed lost, the RIGHT PLACE. rector of a neighbouring parish on the coast offered to give AT a trial in Cork it was of evidence in favour of the pri­ the utmost importance for soner. His appearance much O'Connell's client that the then prepossessed the court in his young counsellor should have favour. He swore that on the the examination of a certain day of the assault, 19th of May, witness ; but in the legal routine the prisoner had been in his em­ of the case it was to the senior ployment from five o'clock till counsel his examination be­ very late; had not quitted the longed. The attorney was rectory, in fact, till after mid­ fretting and fuming, till, at a night, Mr, Bennett, the leading whisper from O'Connell, his eye crown counsel, did not neglect singled out a stupid oaf of his to cross-question the clergyman, acquaintance then in court. and to all his questions but one Him he got put in the witness's he gave most satisfactory an­ chair to be examined by the swers. That query was :" What senior lawyer ; but all the man kind of work was the man em­ of law could extract from him ployed on ?" but to it the witness was, that his name was Tim would give no answer. Such Hegarty, for he knew nothing was the uncertainty in the judge's whatever of the merits of the mind when charging the jury case. Of course, the much- that he left them to decide for desired witness fell into the themselves, and they, without hands of the junior, and was hesitation, acquitted the prisoner. turned to the best possible Some time after, Counsellor account. Bennett and this reverend wit­ ness happening to enjoy a tete a A COUNSELLOR EN- tele, with nobody within earshot, the lawyer requested the clergy­ LLGHTENED BY A COW- man to reveal to him (provided STEALER, he was not prevented by any serious scruple) why he had BEFORE recording the lesson been silent on the kind of work of wisdom hinted at in our title, done on that nineteenth of May. we must do ourselves the plea­ " I have not the slightest objec­ sure of an extract from Mr. tion to make a confession to O'Flanagan's sketches of the you, for I know you are inca­ " Bar Life of O'Connell," while pable of abusing my confidence. still in possession of youthful Through the whole of the even­ vigour—i, e,, youthful for a ing of that 19th of May the counsellor, prisoner was engaged distilling "When his portly figure, pottheen whiskey for me," smiling countenance, arch MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES, 141 glance, and joyous smile were seen in court, he was the ob­ A CAUSE GAINED BY A served of all observers. His DANISH VOCABULARY. manner well sustained the im­ pression his appearance created. THE proprietors of a salmon While his inimitable drollery fishery on the Black Water, moved to laughter, his deep near Youghal, brought an action pathos melted to tears, and, against certain parties who had with the versatility of consum­ interfered with their privileges mate genius, while the tears of the exclusive use of nets. were flowing, his flashes of wit The defendants maintained that spread the brightness of a rain­ the weir had been always called bow, lighting up the tears as the " Lax Weir," and, conse­ they fell. The Irish heart was quently, no one had a right to the instrument he loved to sound, make a close or exclusive weir and he touched each string with of it, or prevent others from the hand of a master." taking the fish. It was known The worst of a conscientious that the fishery had been long lawyer's life is the close neigh­ since under the management of bourhood of fraud, want of Danish merchants; so Mr, principle, and villany of every O'Connell turned his attention description into which he is to northern philology for a brought by the exigencies of his moment, found that Lax in profession. The great man Danish meant salmon, and won having extricated from his em­ the cause for his clients by barrassment a worthy who had showing that the name of the killed a neighbour's cow, and construction in question did not was found in suspicious proximity mean " loose or free weir," but to the beef, was waited on by the " Salmon Weir," rascal to receive thanks for his masterly defence. The fattest cow in the herd having been PROVING TOO MUCH. selected, the counsellor was O'CONNELL'S far-reaching in­ curious to know how the choice genuity did not fall short of his fell on that particular animal, as other great mental qualities. He the night when execution took was defending at the Cork place had been very dark, assizes a man indicted for mur­ "Well, counsellor, I'll put you der, and had under examination up to it. When you go for to a redoubtable witness, who steal a cow, mind and take the would stop at nothing to crimi­ one that's farthest from the ditch. nate the prisoner, A material The poor thin crathurs always evidence against the accused, goes to the ditch for shelter, whose name was James, was while the fat bastes keeps out­ furnished by a hat having been side." found near the body, which hat the witness strongly swore to as having belonged to the prisoner. 142 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES, The case was at about its worst point for the accused when A HARD-WON AND the counsellor requested to have WORTHLESS VICTORY. a look at the hat. He examined its outside, its top, its rims, and IN our opinion, Mr. O'Connell finally entered on a careful in­ never rejoiced in his mature spection of the inside. Turning years over the victory obtained it round slowly, and repeating in his duel with Mrs. Moriarty, the letters J-A-M-E-S, he said to when animal spirits were high, the witness: "Now do you and life seemed worth living for, mean to tell the court and jury Mr, D, O. Maddyn, we believe, that this name was in the hat was the first to record the battle when you found it ?"—" I do, on in a printed book. We know my oath," replied the witness. not where to look for his autho­ " Did you see the name there ? " rity. Perhaps he had none. —" I did, surely," " This is the Mrs, Moriarty was mistress of same hat; no mistake about it?" a stall of notions on Inns' Quay, —"Och, no mistake; it is his and backers and non-backers hat," " Now you may go down," laid a wager on the comparative said O'Connell, triumphantly. abilities of the counsellor and " My lord, there is an end of this the stall-woman in a wordy en­ case. There is no name what­ gagement, A party of legal ever in the hat," wags surrounded the scene of the coming strife, and swords were crossed. A PR A YER OF THE "What's the price of this WICKED. walking-stick, Mrs, What's-your- name ?"—" Moriarty, sir, is my AT two successive assizes a name, and I'm not ashamed of highway robber defended by it, and one and six-pence is the O'Connell was liberated, and price of the stick. It's as chape at the succeeding one he was re­ as dirt, so it is,"—" One and quested to be his friend again, six-pence for a walking-stick the last offence being piracy. that cost you' two-pence ! why, The acquittal was not difficult you're no better than an impos- to be obtained this time, as the ter,"—" Two-pence, your granny, court had no jurisdiction, the and imposther in your own offence, if any, having occurred teeth ! Cut your stick, you can­ on the high seas, over which the tankerous jacknips !"—" Keep a Court of Admiralty alone has civil tongue in your head, you control. As the counsellor was old diagonal,"—" Stop your jaw, passing near the dock, imme­ you , or I'll make you go diately after the trial, the faster nor you came,"—" Don't scoundrel cried out, in a tone of be in a passion, you ancient most unbounded and genuine radius. Anger will only wrinkle gratitude, "Oh, may the Lord your beauty,"—" Be this an' be spare you to me, counsellor !" that, if you go on wid your MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES, 143 impedence, I'le tan your hide, on her foeman's nose the of­ though it 'd be a pity to dirty fences of his lips, but, like a my fists on you." Here Biddy worsted hero before Ilium, "he poured out a torrent of tall mingled in the throng," words, too transcendental for our pages. " Easy now, easy LIFE IN DEATH, now; don't choke yourself with fine language, you whiskey- O'CONNELL'S great powers of drinking parallelogram !" — judgment and penetration were " What's that you call me, you evidenced, among innumerable murdherin villian?"—"I call instances, in that of a trial you what you are, a parallelo­ about the validity of a will, gram, and there's not a judge O'Connell, for the heir-at-law, or jury in Dublin that would was pressing on a witness to the say it's a libel,"—" Oh, tare an will. To more than one ques­ ouns, you ruffin! to call an tion asked of him whether the honest woman a parallellygrum testator was alive when he to her face, I'm none of your pa- signed the document, his un­ rallellygrums, you thief's breed." varying answer was, " There was -—" Oh, not you, indeed ! I life in Mr, So-and-so when he suppose the next thing will be was signing the will." The able to deny that there's an hypothe- and acute counsellor, thinking, nuse concealed in your house," at last, that he had got within —" That's a lie for you. I the wily knave's defences, cried never had such a thing in my out at him, " Now, by the house, you swindler."—" Oh you solemn oath you have taken, can't deny the charge, you miser­ and as you shall one day answer able sub-multiple of a duplicate for the truth, the whole truth, ratio'' Herepoor Biddy gasped and nothing but the truth, was for breath, and her antagonist there not a live fly in the dead improved the occasion, "While man's mouth, when his hand I have a tongue I'll give you the was put to the will?" The benefit of it, you most inimitable trembling witness confessed that periphery. Look at her, boys ! so it was. there she stands, a convicted perpendicular in petticoats. She FEARLESSNESS IN A JUST is trembling with guilt to the CAUSE, very extremity of her corollaries. Ah, you're found out, you rec­ MORE honourable to the great tilineal antecedent and equi­ man's memory than his geo­ angular basket-woman, you metrical victory or his acuteness abandoned similitude of the bi­ in detecting knavery, is his noble section of a vortex!" assertion of the claims of a The tongue was struck dumb, young and abashed barrister but the hands retained their to be heard with attention by powers. Catching up a sauce­ the punning Lord Norbury and pan, she would have revenged the morose Judge Johnson, M4 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES, The yet unfledged barrister, ley, Sit down, Mr. O'Con­ John Martley, was timidly es­ nell." saying his first motion before Mr, Martley then proceeded the two unsympathising judges, and stated his motion success­ one of whom, Judge Johnson, fully, and ever felt grateful for listened with impatience and ill- the kind interference of his able humour ; and while he was friend,—{Mr, OFlanagan's Bar losing his presence of mind and Life of O'Connell^ floundering about in his subject under the unkindly reception, A FEW OF BARON Lord Norbury went on punning and his fellow judge growling, a GRADY'S GOOD THINGS. O'Connell, pitying the confusion THOUGH the witty sayings of the new aspirant, begged and caustic remarks of Baron some of his seniors to interfere, O'Grady were not so numerous but they would not; so he gene­ as those of Lord Norbury, they rously bearded the grumbling excelled them as much as a lions himself genuine sally of wit excels a " My lords," he said, " I res­ haphazard pun. Among the pectfully ask your lordships to myriads of puns uttered by the hear this young gentleman. Mr. facetious lord, some of them Martley is not personally known could scarce avoid being happy. to me, but I submit he has a We add a couple to those al­ right to be heard,"—"Oh, Mr, ready quoted, O'Connell," said Lord Norbury, Mr. Wallace having been "we have heard Mr. Martley, horsewhipped near Nelson's pil­ and we cannot allow the time of lar in Sackville-street, applied the Court to be further wasted," for a criminal information —" Pardon me, my lord, you against his assailant. " I am of have not heard him. He has opinion," said the judge, " that not been allowed to state his the Court should grant its pro­ motion. I am sure he is quite tection to any one who has bled capable of doing so now, if your under the immortal Nelson." lordships permit him."—" Mr. Riding to the hounds one day O'Connell," asked Judge John­ with a Mr, Pepper, this gentle­ son, with an air of defiance, man's horse thought proper to "are you engaged in this mo­ throw his master. When re­ tion, that you presume to inter­ mounted, said Norbury to him, fere ?"—" My lord, I am not," "What is your horse called?" replied Mr, O'Connell, "but I —" Billy," said he.—" Oblige me rise to defend the privileges of by calling him for the future. the bar, and I will never permit Pepper-castor." them to be violated either in O'Grady was superior to puns. my own or the person of any but his sarcasms were dreaded. other member of the profession." There was great noise on one oc­ —" Well, well," interposed Lord casion in the Court-house at Tra- Norbury, " we'll hear Mr. Mart- lee, and the Chief Baron sought MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES, 145 in vain to procure silence. Look­ his fingers, under the influence ing in despair towards the of long habit, traced out JOHN sheriff's pew, he spied him con­ O'BRIEN. Great surprise and tentedly reading a book, " Mr. merriment ensued, and the false Sheriff," shouted he, in his di­ Darby was obliged to listen to rection, " If you do not put a few very disagreeable truths. down this noise, you will not be permitted to finish your novel in quiet," A MAN ABOUT TO SINK He commenced one of his SAVED BY A STRAW. charges in the same Court with, " Gentlemen of the jury, you O'CONNELL was engaged for will of course acquit your own a man at the Cork Assizes, but relations," neither he nor the attorney had A highway robber having been the slightest hopes of saving acquitted on the last day of the him from the gibbet, Serjeant assizes, much to his surprise, he Lefroy occupied the chair of the asked the sheriff if there was circuit judge, who was ill at the any other charge against him. time, and the counsellor rightly Being answered in the negative, conjectured that he would be he added, "Then, Mr. Sheriff, averse, except in an extreme I shall be obliged by your al­ case, to utter the doom of death. lowing me half-an-hour's start He resolved on an unusual before you give him his liberty," line of proceeding, and tor­ mented the witness for the Crown with a series of annoying GOOD MEMORY NECES­ questions not bearing in any SARY TO A LIAR. shape on the subject. Serjeant Goold, the Crown prosecutor, AT an election in the County objected to this proceeding, and Clare, at which O'Connell was the judge was obliged to say he the Sheriff's assessor, the signa­ could not allow Mr. O'Connell ture of Darby Moran gave much to proceed any longer in that trouble. It was asserted that line of examination, the name was in Darby's own " Well then, my lord," said he, handwriting, but it had the after some parley, "as you re­ cross between name and sur­ fuse to allow me to defend my name, and the words, His Mark, client, I leave his fate in your above and below. The man hands," He flung down his who personated Darby Moran brief, and left the Court, saying- was on the spot, and a confused the while, " The blood of that discussion was proceeding, when man, my lord, will be on your at last the assessor called out, head if he is condemned," The " Darby Moran, can you write ?" far-seeing and accurately-judg­ —" To be sure I can."—" Then ing advocate well knew what he write your name on this leaf" was doing in throwing such re­ Darby took pen in hand, and sponsibility on an inexperienced L 146 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. and humane judge. In about now, my wig is off, which is the half-an-hour, as he was pacing better looking ?" the flags outside, his attorney, This sally of practical humour forgetful of his hat, came run­ was received with bursts of ning to announce success. The laughter and cheering. O'Con­ judge had charged so favour­ nell looked admirably, exhibit­ ably that the prisoner was ac­ ing a scull which, for volume quitted. and development, was not to be surpassed. d, Darby recognised in the burst of —18^,—not a soul will bid, and laughter that arose, that he had back goes the cow to Norah and committed himself and his the childher. friends. INCONVENIENCES OF GREAT CRY AND LITTLE POPULARITY, WOOL. LIKE Charles Dickens and ONCE at a public meeting other popular men, O'Connell O'Connell illustrated the system was kept in a perpetual worry L 2 140 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. by his admirers. Once he re­ SELF-INTEREST INTER­ ceived a letter from New York FERES WITH SLAUGHTER. stating the writer's discovery of a Queen Anne's farthing, and AT a special commission in giving a particular description of Kerry, a Mr, S,, against whom it. Then followed a modest O'Connell had occasion to utter request that the Great Liberator some unpleasant language, would negociate the sale of the jumped up and called him a same coin for him in London, purse-proud blockhead, " I where, as he was informed by have no purse to be proud of," several intelligent persons, it said he, " and if I am a block­ would realize a handsome for­ head, so much the better for tune for its possessor, you, as I am the opposing Mr. Peter Waldron, of New counsel. It will not be amiss, York, was an admirer of still however, to beat a trifle of good more trouble-giving proclivities. manners into you," and letting Thus ran his letter :— action follow on speech, he ad­ ministered to him some sound " Dear Sir,—I have discovered strokes of the president's cane an old paper in which I find on the back. Next day he re­ that my grandfather, Peter Wal­ ceived by the hands of Mr. dron, left Dublin about the year William Ponsonby, of Cratloe, 1730, You will very much ob­ a challenge in due form; but lige me by instituting an inquiry time was scarcely given to who the said Peter Waldron answer it when another missive was ; whether he possessed any arrived revoking the offer. Mr, property in Dublin or elsewhere, O'Connell's life was mentioned and to what amount; and in in a valuable lease held by Mr, case he did, you will confer a S., and therefore he could not particular favour upon me by afford to shoot him. But let taking immediate steps to re­ Mr, O'Connell get his life in­ cover it, and if successful sured, and then he was his man forwarding the amount to me at New York," at sword or pistol. This man was a genuine coward, yet he fought six duels It is probable that no one of in his time through dint of fear, Dickens's begging-letter writers and brought his valuable life ever attained to such a sublime safe through all. point of impudence as did Mr, The present writer never had Peter Waldron, The man who the fortune to see O'Connell outdid all his former doings, by with his wig and gown on, but the modest request that an ass he was more than once filled and car might be left out for with enthusiasm at meetings, him at a certain hour of the listening to his spirit-stirring following day, halted a long words, or ready to die with distance under Mr. Waldron's laughter at humorous passages perch. in his speech and his inimitable MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 149 gestures. Often has he met his 1710, some non-sympathisers portly form moving along Nas­ coated his Majesty's face with sau Street, his face shaded with mud, and walked off with his his broad-leafed hat, and his sword and truncheon. At a later strong right hand fancying the date it was discovered to have umbrella handle to be a sword- been done in a drunken freak hilt. Better still, we have seen by three young men of the col­ him, while he ruled as king ab­ lege, two of whom were severely solute in the hearts of seven- punished. Another insult was eighths of the Irish people, en­ offered in 1714, and in 1765 it gaged humbly at prayer, as was taken down and replaced on undistinguished as he could a higher pedestal. render himself among the little We can hardly realize now as citizens and citizenesses who we look down the wide expanse frequented Clarendon Street of College Green on a fine Sun­ Chapel. day morning in Summer, that somewhat more than a century since there was but a limited KING WILLIAM ON HORSE­ space at each side of King William, that Sedan chairs, BACK. grouped on every side, presented THE statue in College Green, no small obstruction to horse on which in our day Protestants and foot, and that notwithstand­ and Catholics, Whigs and Tories, ing a little watch-house on the look with equal indifference, evi­ east side there was in its neigh­ dently possesses not the virtue bourhood a plentiful provision of the original, which was in­ of filth. It at last became such augurated with great iclat on an eyesore that a notion was en­ the 1st of July, 1701, Some tertained of removing it to the years since our collegians might barracks, but the volunteers be called image worshippers, so brought it once more into favour much did they venerate the by holding their reviews in its statue, but in the beginning it neighbourhood from the year was not so. The Jacobite spirit 1779, the 4th of November was not extinct in the Dublin being the gala day. Alma Mater, neither was the During the volunteer move­ spirit of mischief, and the young ment the statue was in high fa­ collegians could not overlook vour with all parties, but after­ the fact that the king contemp­ wards it lost its popularity with tuously kept his back turned to the national party, and in 1798 the darling seat of Irish letters. the sword was wrenched from Now the statue would be found its side, and Watty Cox, by in the morning adorned with trade a gunsmith, attempted to green boughs, now defiled with file off its head. The material mud, and at another time with being special good brass, he was a straw figure astride on the unable to get through the opera­ crupper. On the 25th of June, tion in time. ISO MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. In 1805 King William's un­ And though he expected no pay. He told the policeman he'd do him. friends obtained a small success, * For,' said he, ' I must have him in style. November 4th falling on a Sun­ The job is not wonderful heavy. day, the rejoicings were deferred And I'd rather sit up for a while Than see him undressed at the levee. till Monday, and the watchman For he was the broth of a boy.' in College Green kept himself Then up to his highness he goes. awake for fear of the execution And with tar he anointed his body. of any unlawful design on the So that when the morning arose. effigy. On Saturday, as mid­ He looked like a sweep in a noddy. It fitted him just to the skin night was at hand, a painter ap­ Wherever the journeyman stuck it; proached the guardian, bearing And after committing the sin, in his hands a paint bucket and ' Have an eye,' said he, ' watch, to the bucket, brush. " I come from the city For I have not done with him yet.' decorator," said he, " to prepare the statue. He was afraid to The birthday being now very nigh, And swaddling clothes made for the send me during light for fear of hero, being interrupted by the mob or A painter was sent for to try To whitewash the face of the negro. maybe getting a stroke of a He gave him the brush, to be sure. stone." " Well, fire away," He But the first man so deeply did stain painted diligently for some time, him. That the whitewash effected no cure ; and then approaching the watch­ Faith, the whole river Boyne would not man again, said, " I find I must clean him. go back to the workshop for And still he remains in the dirt." something which I forgot. Will you mind my paint pot and On the occasion of the visit brush till I return?" He did of his Majesty, George IV,, and not return, and when day began during the civic reign of Sir to break the warden discovered Abraham Bradley King, the the bucket suspended by a halter death-blow was given to the from the King's neck, and the unwise institution. In 1822, the poor King himself all covered Lord Mayor, John Smith Flem­ with a vile black compound of ing, forbade the ornamenting of tar and grease. It was in time the statue with colours or em­ removed, and the solemnity held, blems calculated to give offence, but the Lord Lieutenant, the and the only remarkable pro­ Duke of Bedford, would not cession round the statue, which sanction it afterwards by his occurred at a later day, was presence. The performers from formed by a body of trades on that time omitted the firing from their way to Merrion Square to the programme. The sly painter's present an address to O'Con­ handy work was commemorated nell, in a street ballad of the day, In the year 1836, and on the sung to the air of " De night be­ 7th of April, time a few minutes fore Larry was stretched," after midnight, a light burst from the side of the statue next the bank, and immediately after " The night before Billy's birthday. Some friend to the Dutchman came to the figure was blown with a deaf­ him; ening explosion several feet in MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES, 151 the air. The legs and arms were contemptible productions in found broken, and the head themselves, but they pass for much injured, a circumstance facts among the masses of not to be wondered at, seeing English people, and conse­ that the blast of heated air, quently they keep up an un­ caused probably by fulminating healthy feeling of mingled dis­ silver, extinguished all the lamps like and derision towards their in College Green. We must say neighbours and fellow-subjects, that neither rider or horse now who have the ill-luck to be guarding the trickling fountain separated from them by the in College Green, can compare Irish Sea. as a work of art with his pre­ Our country people usually decessor. However, being under dry their turf for some weeks after the protection of a popular cor­ its being cut before they think poration, and presenting an in­ of making a fire out of it. Yet offensive, healthy bronze hue to a commissioner employed by the eyes of all who traverse Col­ " All the Year Round " saw some lege Green, the days of "William Connaught folk boiling their on Horseback " are likely to be potatoes with it the very day on long in that airy and cheerful which it was taken reeking, soft, thoroughfare. and damp from the bog. One of these wonderful turf-cutters was seen taking a log on his shoulders to do the deed which EARS AND NO EARS; in all the instances that ever EYES DITTO, came under our notice required IF clever French writers could a peculiarly shaped iron spade. be aware of the load of contempt In order to carry the supply of they heap on themselves in the fuel home, he made use of a cord sight of their English neigh­ and a kippeen (stick or twig) bours by the outrageous sketches slung at his back; but we have which theypresent of their habits not the slightest notion how the and manners when at home, stick and the cord secured a they probably would reform fairish load of freshly-cut peat. their " custom of an afternoon " The report made by the sapient of attempting descriptions of commissioner may be found in what they have not seen, except "All the Year Round" for for a moment, nor studied at all. August 13th, 1859, The Irish, in many instances, That worthy baronet and most have to complain as sadly of agreeable writer of travels. Sir their English visitors, as natives Francis Head, imposing it as a of England have to complain of task on himself to correct his their Gallic ones. Many hur­ travelling fellow-countrymen for ried visits and sketches of their misrepresentations concern­ strangers from Little Britain, or ing Ireland, did not adopt the plan St. Mary Axe, or Ratcliffe High­ of grave fault-finding or exposure way, are merely ludicrous or of conclusions rapidly made. IS2 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. He probably knew the country san, a lazy wretch, or an im­ well, but, intending to throw portunate beggar, rejoicing in discredit and ridicule on the rags and dirt. hasty and prejudiced visitors Treading on the sore heels of from England, he presented his the inventors of the etymology satire in the guise of a genuine of Thafe, Praste, Rade, Belave, tour, exaggerated the defects of and similar words, he affixed his predecessors, and entitled such sounds to the words quoted his book, "A Fortnight in Ire­ below as will be a caution to the land," What keen irony in the successors of Messrs, Tittlebat title ! It implied a cutting re­ and Co, buke, as much as if the judicious mentor had said in so many Honour, arnh'rj Nelson, Nal- words, " You, Mr, Tittlebat, and sonj parade, pratej hospital, you, Mr. Thornback, behold in harspitalj don't, doun'tj this book of mine, as in a mirror, small, sjnaj long, Ihongj a reflection only slightly exag­ years, yaresj potatoes, pita- gerated of your worthless, stupid, turs; job, jarbj him, hum; and prejudiced productions. soldier, souldier; Vice-regal, You have dashed them off after Vice-aglej shew, shauj a visit of a fortnight, whereas a pocket, porcketj feet, fatej book worth reading concerning indeed, indadej hoped, this or any country should be horpedj it, ut; Dublin, the result of excursions and Dhublunj stop, starpj deer, sojourns of some months." darej obelisk, orbeliskj steam, stamej your, yere j We do not mean to consider that, thartj man, marn.* Sir Francis's valuable book in reference to characters or facts. Sir Walter Scott, not having To impart to his work that spirit a smaller coin about him, once of ludicrous earnestness and gave a shilling to an Irish gravity which distinguishes the beggar, with the remark, " Re­ famous " History of New York member, Paddy, you owe me by D. Knickerbocker," or Swift's sixpence." " Och," was the patriotic scheme of using the answer," may your honour never Irish babes as food, he cordially die till I pay you!" If any gave the Irishwomen full credit book resembling the " Fortnight for womans chief excellence, in Ireland" is in any future time chastity and conjugal fidelit)', to be published, may we not die and to the educated Irishman till we see it. credit for genuine politeness and hospitality. But then mark the cunning exaggeration of the LOOSE THREADS TAKEN faults of Messrs. Tittlebat, UP: SHERIDAN. Thornback, and Stickleback. Every one that is not a well-bred OUR Richard Brinsley, com- and hospitable gentleman is a * These spells are accurately copied; furious or deep-plotting parti­ Amh'r occurs in hundreds of places. MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 153 ing up to London to contest the Sheridan used to repeat with seat for Westminster with Mr. much relish a feeling observation Paull, happened to be in the same made to him once by one of his coach with two of the electors, constituents : " Oh, sir, things he and they unknown to each cannot go on in this way ; there other. One of the men asked must be a reform; we poor the other to whom he would electors are not paid at all," give his vote, " To Paull, A certain creditor, Shaw by certainly ; for, though he is but name, was ceaselessly dunning a shabby sort of fellow, I would or drumming the poor man for a vote for any one rather than debt of ^500, Once, as he was that rascal Sheridan." " Do vigorously applying the screw, you know Sheridan?"—" No, his victim endeavoured to intro­ and don't intend, if I can help duce a diversion by mentioning it," Alighting for breakfast, the pressing need he was in for Sheridan took the questioner ;if 25 to defray the expenses of a aside, " Will you please to let journey he was obliged to take, me know the name of the gentle­ Mr. Shaw gave a decided re­ man with whom you have been fusal, and was gently reproved conversing ? He is a very- for his use of false weights and agreeable man."—"Mr, T- measures, " You persist in ask­ an eminent lawyer. He lives ing me for five hundred pounds," inLincoln's-Inn-Fields." "Much said he, " yet you will not afford obliged," When they were under myself the small accommodation way again, Sheridan led the of twenty-five," discourse to the subject of law, An old maid, a relation of lauded the system itself, alluded his, frequently exercised his pa­ to the possible misery of a tience in obliging him to take people possessing no laws, ex­ long out-door walks with her, tolled the character of many Renewinghersuit on an occasion eminent lawyers past and pre­ when his entire stock of en­ sent, but regretted the fact of so durance was down to nought, he many living professionals being observed that the weather was thoroughly unprincipled. "How­ bad and rainy. Returning to the ever," continued he, " of all the charge in some minutes, she rascals of the profession, by far observed that the weather had the greatest is Mr, T , of cleared up, " Ah," said he, " so Lincoln's-Inn-Fields," " I am it is—sufficient for one, but not Mr, T ,"• said the highly enough for two." offended man. "And I am Let us hope that the two fol­ Mr, Sheridan," The joke was lowing good things never oc­ now transparent. There was a curred. His son Tom once shaking of hands all round, and expressed a wish to descend into Mr, T and his friends ex­ a coal mine, " What is the erted themselves to forward object?"—"Merely to be able their new friend's interest at the to say in company that I have election. been down in one," "And 154 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES, what's to prevent you from saying rogue's sympathisers in the body so without running the risk?" of the court approve of the zeal "Tom, you graceless rogue, displayed by the advocate for I'll cut you off with a shilling," their brother, that one of them —"If you have it about you, cried out in a burst of grateful father, I'll be obliged to you for enthusiasm, " Long life to you, it," • Plunkett! Boys {sotto voce) the first horse I'm in for, I'll have LORD PLUNKETT, Plunkett." THE reader, as we trust, has On being told that his suc­ not forgotten the information cessor in the Common Pleas, which Plunkett, when in his Chief Justice Doherty, had little barristerhood, afforded to Lord or nothing to do, Plunkett re­ Redesdale on the different qua­ marked, " Well, he is equal to it," lities of English winds and kites, A Mr, Moore, a clerk in the and of Irish ditto. We proceed Court of Chancery, prided him­ to supply some other memora­ self on his fine handwriting, and bilia of the great and good law­ Mr.Morris, an attorney attending yer, who by sheer merit obtained the same Court, was vain of his in succession the offices of Chief personal appearance, "Plunkett," Justice and Lord Chancellor, said Bushe one day, while the Now and then we strive to ascer­ Lord Chancellor was expected, tain, by a vigorous mental effort, " why should this court remind whether a chief justice or a us of the road to Chester ? "—" I chancellor, when endeavouring give it up,"—" Don't you see we by every means in his power to are near Pen-man Moore ?"—" I ascertain the truth in a trial, was stupid indeed," replied and to do strict justice—ever Plunkett, " with Beau Morris feels disturbed, and his self- opposite me." respect damaged, by remem­ Being told of the appointment brance of various times when he of an indolent man to a judicial exerted every faculty to save a office where there was little knave or a murderer from well- business, " It is the very court deserved punishment. for him," he exclaimed. " It will Lord Plunkett, when sitting in be up every day before him­ his dignified chair, and con­ self" scious of the respect, nay rever­ " Until the year 1820, there ence, felt towards him by every were no regular reports of the individual in the court, must Irish cases. All the new autho­ have at times found his self- rities were imported from Eng­ respect diminished to some ex­ land, so that the accident of a tent by the souvenir of a trial fair or foul wind might some­ in his own county town of En- times affect the decision of a niskillen, where he vigorously cause. 'Are you sure, Mr. defended a notorious horse­ Plunkett,' said Lord Manners stealer, and worked out his ac­ once, 'that what you have quittal. So highly did the stated is the law?'—'It un- MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 155 questionab.y was the law half an " he was unanimously elected ; hour ago,' replied Mr, Plunkett, he was seated in his chair amid pulling out his watch, ' but by acclamations, &c., &c,, &c,, and this time the packet has pro­ on his return home was obliged bably arrived, and I shall not be to send for a surgeon to cure positive,'"—{Irish Quarterly Re­ him of a black eye received on view^ the way." THE DIFFERENCE BE GENEROUS: LET BETWEEN A POET AND A JUSTICE MIND ITSELF. GENTLEMAN. THERE are few folk from Kil­ WHEN Sir Walter Scott was lala to Kingstown who have not in Ireland in 1825, he paid a heard of the eloquent Dr. Kir- visit to Lord Plunkett at Old wan, and the mighty sums of Connaught, Bray, Thence host money which he extracted from and guest made an excursion to all pockets by his charity ser­ Glendalough, and Sir Walter mons, and poured into the laps would not be satisfied to come of widows and orphans. Some away without first climbing to time later, another earnest St, Kevin's Bed, When about preacher emptied the purses of to leave the place. Lord Plun­ Catholics as adroitly as Dean kett gave Cathleen the guide to Kirwan did those of Protestants. understand, that the lame but It is out of our power to say in adventurous and active visitor what year since 1825 this good was a poet. " Poet ! " said she, man, entirely made up of heart, in an incredulous tone, " D died. It would appear as if there a bit of him. He's a rael dasent was no room in the good priest's gentleman ; he gave me half-a- mind and heart but for ideas crown." and feelings of compassion. He would involve himself in debt for KILLLNG WITH KINDNESS. the sake of any of the charitable institutions befriended by him, OUR biographers have not and it often happened that when preserved many of Grattan's his creditors hinted to him that witty or humorous sayings, but they would like to touch their we have no dearth of eloquent money again, poor Father , invectives and patriotic out­ being already at his purse's end, bursts. Still the man who, when would soon get to his wits' end, enduring pain from accidental and sometimes fail to scrape to­ hurts received at his triumphal gether the sum demanded. chairing, could thus jest on his In this way he ran up a suffering, must have powers of twenty pound obligation to a wit at command. While the farmer in his parish, and after surgeon was putting him to pain, the lapse of some months the he cried out, " The papers will creditor began to consider his of course give a glowing account chance of repayment very small. of the triumph. They will say, He was one evening talking over 156 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES, the matter with his wife, when that his grateful parishioner had she suddenly informed him she received some money from a would insure him payment on very unlikely quarter, and his solemn engagement to hand therefore was glad to be enabled her over five out of the twenty to repay his Reverence the loan pounds. She wanted that sum so kindly advanced. The good for such or such a need. Their easy man was probably too un­ daughter Honora would be glad worldly in disposition to become of a new gown, or master Pat of aware of the ingenious device a pony. He gave the promise exercised at his expense, and she the advice. Next day at an early hour he A CHURCH DIGNITARY waited on his Reverend debtor. NOT ABOVE PUN-MAKING, " Oh, Father , I am at a terri­ ble pinch. I have to pay ;i£ioo THE late Archbishop Whately this week, and I am still ^30 had as large a heart as the short of the sum. If you can't Fingallian priest, but his judg­ help me I don't know where to ment was equal to his charity. turn. Even the twenty pounds The poor of Dublin and of Stilor- you owe me would be of no gan lost a beneficent patron at use," " Well, well; at this mo­ his death. His high station and ment there is not half a guinea grave character have not suf­ in the house. This is Tuesday : ficed to preserve his memory come over and take a bit of from being incrusted with sundry dinner with me on Thursday at puns and witticisms of which four o'clock, and who knows the living man had never even what God may send in the in­ dreamed. Even the late Harry terim." The cook had a good Lorrequer (alas that we must dinner on the table at the hour say the word 1) could not forbear appointed, the farmer was punc­ laying violent hands on His tual to time, the host was (for it Grace under the flimsy guise of was out of his power to be other­ the " Dean of Drumcondra," wise) cheerful and hospitable, and making him at a convivial and when the cloth was removed, party thus furnish the derivation and a strong tumbler of punch of topsy turvy. had gone the way of all liquor, thirty pounds, in notes and gold, " Unde topsy turvy—unde spread out on the mahogany, topsy turvy!" said the Dean. gladdened the eye of the guest, " Whence topsy turvy ? Do who of course was mighty grate­ you give it up ? Do you, Mr, ful. Miss Honora got her silk Attorney ? Do you, my lord ? gown, or Master Pat his pony, Do you give it up, eh ? I and next Saturday morning a thought so. Topsy turvy, quasi messenger handed the benevo­ top-side t'other way." lent clergyman a letter which, The conversation turning on on being opened, revealed a ten the use of the lasso, the Dean pound note, and the information proceeded to give a practical illustration to his neighbour, a MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 157 fat, florid lady, adorned with a your Grace?' 'Oh,' he cried, yellow turban and bird of para­ with the complacency of a dise plume, cherub, 'There is no getting " Nothing more simple," said meaning out of Greek without the Dean, holding his napkin a paraphrase, you understand, over Mrs. Kennyfeck's head, to ma'am,'" the manifest terror of that lady The Catholic and Protestant for her yellow turban, " You Archbishops of Dublin sat side take the loop of a long, light by side in the board-room of rope, and measuring the dis­ the Commissioners of National tance with your eye, you make Education some thirty years the cast in this manner,"—" Oh, since. There, or at some vice­ dear! oh, Mr, Dean, my bird regal dinner, Dr, Whately grave­ of paradise plume !"—" When ly asked Dr. Murray, his col­ you present a bull, ma'am, you league, "Dr. Murray, what is should not have feathers," re­ the difference between you and joined the implacable Dean, me ?" The questioned man with a very rough endeavour to could adduce some hundreds of restore the broken plume. " Had points of difference, but no you held your head down in the single one was sufficiently com­ attitude of a bull's attack, I prehensive or apropos, " You should have lasso'd you at once give it up ? Then I'll enlighten and without difficulty." yourself and the company. Dr, Townsend Young, in a You're a Roman and I'm a note to Sir Jonah Barrington's Rum-un." " Personal Sketches," furnishes the following bit of information CARBOY WIT. concerning our subject, HIS Grace having an English " Some one was extolling the gentleman at his palace, took firmness of the British squares into his head one day to treat in sustaining the furious charges his guest to some specimens of of the French Guards at Wa­ those ready answers for which terloo. 'What was their cool­ our carmen are said to be re­ ness to ours ?' exclaimed Dr, markable. He hired an out­ X. ' Had they to stand the side car, and they drove about. shock of Whately" s charge, as A heavy shower came on as we did the other day, they'd they were passing the Cus­ soon disperse, I promise you,'" tom-house, but that did not The next anecdote is from the prevent his Grace from asking same authority, their guide what statues were " A lady having asked the these over the front of the meaning of Ariston men to Hu- building. " An' sure they're the dor (Water is the best thing), Twelve Apostles, my lord,"— he replied, ' Water is the best "Where are your eyes, man? thing for fish, sea-fights, and I can see but four,"—" An' steam-engines,' The lady stared, aren't the others gone inside for asking,' Does it mean all that, shelter from the rain? Would 158 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. your lordship have them to be standing outside in such weather A CORONER'S INQUEST IN as this ?" OLD TIMES. The weather cleared up and the conversation went on. " Pad­ BEFORE leaving the North dy, if the Black Fellow was Wall it will not be amiss to allowed his choice between you record a circumstance said to and me, which of us would he have occurred when there were take?"—"Me, to be sure, my humorists in the land, and lord. He will be sure of your when bizarre incidents excited Grace at any time,"* little surprise. It is probable that the late Mr, Carleton got If the following circumstance the first hint of his " Resurrec­ did not take place during that tions of Barney Bradley" from excursion it is a pity, but we it. We prefer the metrical form fear that it occurred several in which the story was told, for years before. No matter. The we suspect it is now remembered Doctor and his English friend but by few, disagreed on the comparative directness with which an Eng­ "'Twas Murphy Delany, so merry and lishman and Irishman of the frisky. people would answer a question. Went into a shebeen to get his skin full. They met two good subjects And reeled out again, pretty well lined on the quay on whom to try with whisky. the experiment, and the ques­ As soft as a Shamrock, as blind as a tion was proposed in the first bull. instance to the native of Eng­ But a bit of an accident happened our land. " What would you take, rover. Who took the wall's edge for the floor my man, for throwing your­ of his shed. self directly into the Liffey And the keel of a coal barge he just tumbled over. over that litde wall ?"—" I de­ And thought all the time he was going clare I wouldn't take twenty to bed. pounds."—" Well now, Paddy, Some friends going by took him out of what would YOU take ?"— the river. " Faith, gentlemen, I would Sent for a horse docthor his sickness to take my death o'could," It was mend. Who swore that poor Pat was no longer agreed on both sides that this a liver. was by far the more direct But dead as a door-nail, so there was answer." an end. They sent for the coroner's jury to try him. But Pat not half liking their comical * Paddy, though nominally a Catholic strife. was not a well informed one ; for it is con­ What with twisting and turning, the sidered in his community a grave offence while they stood by him. against charity to pass sentence on any He came, when he found it convenient, indi-vidual inside or outside the church, to life. particularly when such individual has borne a good character during life. Such an 'Arrah, gentlemen honey, give over, an't answer might be given in jest to an equal, plase you : but national politeness would never permit I'm as live as a mackerel, and likely to it to be made to a doctor of divinity. do.' MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 159 ' Be quiet, you spalpeen, and keep your circumstance found in George tongue aisy; Do you think but the docthor knows Storme's Select German Stories betther nor you ?' (Asher & Co,). Where Herr So the jury went on with the business Storme found it he does not ex­ much further. plain. The following is a literal Examined the docthor about his be­ translation, lief; They brought poor Delany in guilty of " When Lady Hamilton's lug­ murdher. gage was being landed in Pa­ And swore that they'd hang him in spite of his teeth." lermo, Lord Nelson's steersman made himself very useful in It is probable that another having it carefully conveyed verse has been irrecoverably into the ambassador's residence. lost. In all likelihood it re­ Lady Hamilton took notice of corded the resurrection of the his great attention, put a moi- patient, and his ejecting by dore in his hand, and said, force of arms the faithless ' Now, my friend, what will you crowner and his men. drink ?'—' Oh, thank you, gra­ cious lady; I am not thirsty.'— ' Oh, but Nelson's steersman HE'S NOT COVETOUS, BUT must take something from me; HE'D FAIN HA VE ALL. so what will you have—a glass of brandy, a tumbler of grog, or IT is to be feared that until a tumbler of punch ?'—' Madam, our island has lain under water as you insist, it would be un­ for twenty-four hours, a great por­ mannerly to refuse. So I'll take tion of its populace will continue a glass of brandy first, and then very DRY. The following good the tumbler of grog, while your thing is supposed to be peculiarly ladyship is mixing the punch.'" Irish, but we have found it even in Sicily, MORE. WORDS ON " THE One of our landlords receiving DROP OF DRINK." a visit from a tenant who did not present himself empty-hand­ SMALL welcome would the ed, addressed him, with a hos­ English steersman or the Irish pitable air, " Larry, you must ploughman have given to such not leave the house without wine as its proprietor thought taking something. Which do he was doing honour to, when you prefer—a glass of spirits, a he asserted that there was not a glass of port, or a tumbler of headache in a hogshead of it. punch ?"—" Oh, sir, I'd be sorry " Ay," said a much disappointed to put you to so much trouble, but guest, " but there's a stomach­ since you insist on it, I believe ache in every glass of it." I'll begin with a glass of port, The following effusion in and then I'll venture on the glass honour of the beverage reserved of spirits, while the punch is for the last by the sailor and the getting ready," land lubber will be perhaps con­ Here is a variety of the same sidered inferior in execution to i6o MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. some of Anacreon's and Captain your liking." She was called out Morris's, but our steel pen to a of the room on the moment, and thraneen, it is equal or superior so was unaware of the horrible to their best things in hearti­ grimaces which passed over the ness, poor man's features as he sipped the bitter stuff. He either had THE JUG OF PUNCH. not noticed the sugar, or was " As I was sitting in my room. unaware of its effect on the tea. One pleasant evening in the month of He painfully affected his people June, I heard a thrush singing in a bu.sh,_ that evening with his sufferings And the tune he sung was the jug of while endeavouring to overcome Punch. the terrible drink got from Miss CHORUS, not worth repeating. C, and all wondered how the What more divarshin might a man desire Than to be sated by a good turf fire ? quality could come to relish such A friend foment him up-on a bench. disagreeable stuff. And straight betune them a jug of punch. Calling to the castle again in The muses nine and Apollo famed about half a year, he met a In crystal cups drinks Castalian sthrames; I would not grudge them ten times as similar reception from the same much. young lady. Jemmy fearfully As long as I have a jug of punch. eyed the cup, and would have The 'morthial gods drinks their necthar put its contents behind the fire, wine. or thrown them out at window, And they tell me claret is very fine ; But I'd give them all just in a bunch but his hostess this time stayed For the king o' licker, the jug of punch. in the room. He put the vessel The docthor failed with all his art. to his mouth as a child would a To cure th' impression on my heart. cup of physic, but this time Miss But in my_ cheeks there arose a blush. C, had supplied the sugar, and When I laid my hand on the jugof punch. Jemmy was agreeably surprised Now when I'm dead an' in my grave, by the pleasant taste of the bever­ No costly tomb-stone will I halve. But lay me down to my last sleep age. After draining every drop With a jug o' punch at my head and with the highest relish, he laid feet" the cup down, and addressed his kind entertainer, " Many DIFFERENT QUALITIES OF thanks, Ma'am, for that nice TEA. drink, what do you call it?" A WEXFORD farmer, who had " That is green tea. Jemmy," drunk more than one jug o' "Ah then. Ma'am, Gramachrec punch in his time, but knew not (love of my heart) was green tay, the taste of tea, once calling at but to Halifax with ' Sweeten it his landlord's BIG HOUSE, was to your liking.'" kindly received by one of the young ladies, who thought she could not offer him a more ac­ SIMPLE AND COMPOUND ceptable treat than a cup of tea. She filled a large china cup, laid BODIES. the sugar-bowl beside it, and said, THE farmer's visit No, 3.— 'There, Jemmy, sweeten it to This time Miss C, encouraged MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES, i6i by Jemmy's gratification on the his part, brought all the notes of last visit, prepared the third cup, his, that happened to be in their but happened to present it from possession, and made a bonfire her own delicate hand. She of of them. It certainly proved a course had hold of the saucer, bonfire for him. and her client, through natural politeness and some shyness, seized the handle of the cup as A BULL ON A LADDER the farthest from her pearly TOP. coloured fingers. Her attention THE late Mr. Lover's Irish was secured by some other thing hodman enjoyed the same at the moment, so she let go the amount of wisdom as one of the saucer, and the next moment it note-burners. Two bricklayers' was in brishe on the floor. " Oh, assistants, one an English, the Jemmy," said she, starting, other an Irish man, comparing "what an accident! which of us their respective degrees of is in fault ?" " Me to be sure, strength and agility, agreed to ma'am; but I vow to goodness, I find out who was the better man thought thescauldheenwiLS stuck by each attempting to carry the to the platther," other to the roof of the building at which they were occupied. So Paddy taking John in his THE BULL AND THE hod, bore him up the ladder in BANKNOTES, safety to the parapet. Both then descending, Paddy was in his SOME bulls considered indi­ turn carried in safety to the same genous to Ireland, came to light spot, " Now ain't I as good a in Grecian lands long before the man as you at the hod, Paddy?" battle of Marathon. The follow­ ing practical and historical bull "You are indeed John, but I has had many vouchers, yet the was in great hopes when we were time required between the first up to the second-floor window idea and the execution ought to that you'd get a tumble : you have been sufficient to indicate to made a false step just there," the bull-makers the absurdity of what they were about doing, and AN EQUIVOCAL INVITA­ the loss it would inflict on them­ selves, not their ill-wisher. TION. Alderman John Beresford, al­ SIR RICHARD STEELE, being ready mentioned as being so Irish by birth, could not avoid much disliked by the populace executing an odd bull. Being of Dublin for his cruelties in anxious to display hospitablft 1798, was a banker as well as an feelings towards a gentleman of ultra-loyalist. It is said, but on his acquaintance, he thus ex­ what authority we know not, that pressed his wish, " Now, sir, I the people being once roused hope that if ever you come with­ by some extra piece of cruelty on in a mile of my house you will M 162 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. stop there for the night," A DISCRETION IN TAKING special pleader, however, might MEDICINE, prove to the satisfaction of an ordinary jury that there was no DR. SIMMS used to tell with blunder in the invitation. He great unction a clever saying of might with ease show, that the a patient, one of his own coun­ adverb there had as good a right trymen. " What is that medi­ to refer to the word house as to cine you are giving me. Doc­ the word mile. tor?"—"An emetic."—" I won't take it; sarra use in it. The doctors in Dublin gave me two THE MOON'S SUPERIORITY of them, and neither ov 'em TO THE SUN. stayed two minutes on my stomach." THE theory set out in our title was defended in an eigh­ teenth century song, which was A CHANGE WITHOUT IM­ metrically adapted to the fine PROVEMENT, old air of Langolee. IN a solidly written work on " Long life to the moon for a brave noble creature. Irish ecclesiastical matters, the Which serves us for lamp-light each writer, unconscious of the offence night in the dark. his assertion might give, wrote The sun appears only by day, which by nature. —"An eminent personage at Has light of its own as you all may re­ this time abandoned the errors mark. Attend to my ditty, for I will be bound, of the Church of Rome, and sir. adopted those of the Church of That it would save the nation a great England." many pounds, sir. To subscribe for good moonlight the live long year round, sir : 'Tis as true as I'm now singing Lan­ DIRECT AND INVERSE golee." PROPORTION,

BE KIND TO YOUR BEAST, WHEN lotteries were State institutions. Darby bought the THIGUE, riding one day to sixteenth of a ticket for one the market with a sack of pota­ guinea and a half The same toes across the horse's back, ticket being drawn a prize of began to fancy that the poor ^20, Darby's share of which beast was getting very tired. was £1 5J,, the lucky speculator Being a kind master, he brought thus consoled himself:—" Well, the horse to a stand-still, and well, as it was a twenty pound contriving to get the loaded bag prize, I have only lost nine and on his own shoulders, trudged three halfpence, but if it hap­ on heartily, incumbered with his pened to turn up a thousand load, but consoled by the idea pound, one, I'd be broke horse of the great relief he was giving and foot, (The Irish guinea his horse. was £\ 2s, 9^.) MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 163 something or another, when the TAKING A PATTHERN, maid bounced in on me with AN execution took place on her face the colour of a sheet, the side of the White Mountain and bid me run up-stairs that in Wexford some fifty-five years minute if I ever expected to see since. Solomon Doran having her mistress alive. You may been found guilty of the murder guess where my head was then. of Mr. Frizell, of Ballindonny, But I was up-stairs, and in the suffered within a few perches of bedroom while a cat would be the scene of the crime. On the licking her ear, and there, sure morning of the fatal day, Jem enough, she was stretched dead Quigly, of Castleboro', met with upon the bed, Pat Behan, a youth of about " The maid and myself did fourteen years of age, hurrying all we could to bring her to, but westwards along the road from she would not stir if we died foi his native village, Courtnacuddy. it, I pulled her, and shook her, "Where to, Pat?"—"To see and hallooed in her ear, and I the execution, to be sure."— might as well be talking to a " Arid what's taking you to look post. Then it luckily came into at that dismal sight."—" My my head, ' Wouldn't it be as father sent me to take a well to send for a doctor ?' So patthern." I ran down-stairs again, hunted out a sheet of paper, and wrote off for Dr, Weldon, begging ol EQUAL TO THE OCCASLON. him not to wait for man 01 horse, but to come anyway, as I NEXT to the memory of Sir did not think if he made ever so Boyle Roche we set that of Mr, much haste he would 'overtake Bright, one of the characters in her, " The Orphans of Dunasker," " I called up the coachman, by Rev, Mr, Brittan, of Long­ and gave him the letter, bidding ford, who, if he could have ima­ him take my own mare, and gined the existence of worthy, ride like a steeplechase, and I rational people among his Ro­ scolded him to give him confi­ man Catholic neighbours, and dence, and I scolded the whole had written more, might be now house to make them smart, esteemed a national benefactor. they were all in such confusion. The little adventure that befell Just as I pushed him out to Mr. Bright we could tell in saddle the mare, I heard the fewer words, but we love good maid shouting to me to come to Mr. Bright too well to take, as the mistress, who wanted to he himself would say, the words speak to me, I was up-stairs out of his mouth. in less than no time, and there " Mrs. Bright went up to bed I found her sitting up as well as at her usual hour, half-past ten, ever she was in her life. as well as any of us standing " She told me that she knocked here. I was looking about for her elbow against the corner ol M 2 164 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES, the chimneypiece, and the pain discovered at a later day, and made her faint before she could he was restored to his parents. tell the maid what was the mat­ How could confusion of ideas ter with her. She laughed, poor be imputed to the mature man woman, at my fright, and when when he said he was changed at she heard the doctor was sent nurse ? for, insisted he should not come. Luckily, the coachman, who is always slow, was not gone. So "WHY CAN'T YOU COUNT?" I got the letter from him, opened "BECAUSE I CAN'T it, and added these few words : READ." —' P,S, Dear Doctor, it would be a pity to disturb you out of IF asked why so silly a bull as your warm bed this hour of the the following is given admission night; so don't come. It is all into our collection we are not over, Mrs, Bright sends her prepared with an answer. Its compliments to Mrs. Weldon, silliness we admit, but it can and only fainted with her elbow,' scarcely be read without laugh­ I then sealed it again, told John ter. We have it in the German to deliver it with his own hand, collection of Storme, as well as and so it ended very well for us in an Irish one, all." A seriously-inclined but illi­ terate girl had been so constant "Well, Mr, Bright," said Mr. and attentive at church, that she Merryweather, " you left nothing had the entire service by heart. undone in a case requiring She always had her prayer-book prompt measures,"—" Exactly before her, and much edified the so," said Mr, Bright, " Every­ young man to whom she was thing w-as thrown on my shoul­ betrothed by the close attention ders, and I did take prompt which she bestowed on it. One measures." day, happening to have forgot his own manual, he asked her ADMIRATION THROWN permission to look into hers. She AWAY, readily granted it, but what was his surprise to see the book held " I HATE that woman," said a the wrong way in her hand, gentleman, "for she changed " My dear," said he, " your book me at nurse ;" and Horace is upside down,"—" I know it is, Walpole is said to have admired but that's the way I always read: the happy confusion in the gen­ I am left-handed." tleman's mind, and pronounced the whole idea a bull of the rarest character. Yet the whole "IT WASN'T THE DRINK: thing admits of the easiest ex­ 'TWAS THE SALMON," planation. The woman substi­ tuted another child in place of THE following occurrence took the speaker while in his infancy. place in the writer's neighbour­ The knavery of the woman was hood only a few weeks since:— MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. i6? " A servant girl in one of the in grave and gay discourse with large establishments solaced her the King of France, his Majesty leisure hours with the perusal waggishly asked him, " What is of ' The Family Herald,' and the the difference between a Scot imbibing of creaming pots of and a sot?"—"The table only," * porter. Frequently she could replied the ready scholar, not tear herself away from her two favourite sources of comfort when her presence was needed "WHERE WAS THE PENNY in parlour or drawing-room; TO PA Y THE POST? " and things went from bad to " THE Irishman in London " worse till she fost her place. was holding forth to some pot­ Her case was being very freely house companions on the ame­ handled at the neighbouring nities of his native country. dairy, the little maid of which " It is the cheapest country in had been in the habit of buying the world to live in," said he. for her her weekly ' Herald' and " You will buy a fine salmon for daily porter, and the chief blame sixpence, and a dozen mackerel for her dismissal was laid on the for twopence,"—"And, Paddy, liquor, ' Not a bit,' said the why did you leave that blessed young lamb just mentioned. and cheap country ?"—" I left ' The porter never got her it because I didn't happen to turned away; it was all the have either the twopence or the fault of them Family Herrins.'" sixpence about me,"

GOOD ADVICE. A COOK OF IMPERFECT A YOUNG Irishman in the em­ EDUCATION. ployment of a veterinary sur­ A COUNTRY clergyman hav­ geon was considerably chaffed ing hired a housekeeper, handed on one occasion by some young her a paper of tea the first even­ friends with whom he was pass­ ing of her service, with direc­ ing the evening. At last one tions to prepare it as soon as witty fellow asked him what he was convenient. She was rather would do if a horse with broken long about the business, but at wind was brought to him to be last made her appearance with cured. " Faith," said he, after two plates, one bearing a dark­ a short pause, " I'd advise his ish mass of damp leaves, the owner to get rid of him as soon other a print (pat) of butter, as he could." " Musha, your reverence, but this new kind of cabbage is A VENERABLE JOKE. mighty hard to boil tender. Put butter to your own taste in THE great church scholar, * The original of question and answer:— John Duns Scotus, or Erigena " Quid interest inter Scotum et solum f" (Irishman), being once occupied ** Mensa tantum." J 66 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. " The sun's perpendicular height it: I didn't know how you'd Illumines the depths of the sea. like it,"—"Well, indeed, I am And the fishes beginning to sweat, afraid I won't like it with ox Cry, "Hang it, howhot weshall be!" without butter. If you relish it yourself, you're welcome to it." This egregious verse recalls another, whose paternity we should be glad to assign to a A DISMAL JOKE. native:— A POOR houseless Irishman " I sits with my foot in a brook. And if any one asks me for why, spent one long night in Edin­ I hits him a lick with my crook. burgh walking about the streets, And says ' Sentiment kills me' says I," or sitting on the cold hard steps. Morning being come, on the front of a building, EQUIVOCAL PRAISE. he read " Lying-in Hospital." "There is charity among the AN Englishman, travelling in Scotch, after all," said the poor Ireland, fell into conversation fellow, "This must be for the with a native, and took occasion reception of lying-out patients, to complain of the state of the like me. I wish I had come by particular road they were on, at nightfall," and of the roads of Ireland generally, " Well," said Paddy, "we know they are not the best COLLABORA TION in the world ; so to make up for their condition we give good AN unfinished poet, a native measure, anyhow. Eleven of of " Cork's own town," once our miles are as long as four­ commenced a heroic poem, but, teen of yours," alas ! could get no farther than the first two lines :— " The sun's perpendicular height AN UNCANONICAL DIS­ Illumines the depths of the sea." PENSATION. After putting his brain to no WHEN Major-General O'Hara small torture, he laid his head was governor of St, Lucia, a down on his crossed arms, and young fellow applied to him for fell asleep. During his nap, leave to marry his aunt, a Ma­ Richard Milliken, or Dr, Ma- dame le Batt, He had "ob­ ginn, or some other poet of his noxiously made his approaches" acquaintance, came in, and see­ to different priests on the island, ing the state of things, including but their sine qtiA non was, that the unfinished verse, completed he should first obtain a dispen­ it, and noiselessly quitted the sation from the Pope, Now, room. On awaking, his sur­ as the Holy Father was very prise equalled his disappoint­ far away, and the necessary pro­ ment on reading the result of ceedings would be expensive, the united labours :— he had taken the resolution to MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 167 apply to his Excellency, of enclosure. No sacred name, no whose power he entertained pious motive, was left out in the lofty ideas, " Your taste is odd," attack; but the gouty man pos­ said the Major, "but that's no sessed moral courage, and the concern of mine. I shall not assailant at last desisted, with baulk you," Taking a sheet of the disparaging observation, paper, he wrote down the fol­ " Ah ! I wouldn't be after losing lowing dispensation, and handed a' quarter of an hour of my it the gratified man:— valuable time if your Honour's " The bearer of this has my heart was as tender as your permission to marry his aunt, or toes." even his grandmother, if he chooses. NATIONAL TRAITS. "CHARLES O'HARA, " Governor and Pope of THREE individuals, represent­ " St, Lucia," atives of the lands of the Rose, Thistle, and Shamrock, passing down a fashionable street (the SPEAKING IN CIPHER. reader is at liberty to select the A TRIAL was held in the Four locality), took notice of a very Courts, before three judges, one handsome young woman attend­ of whom was a man of un­ ing to her business just inside a doubted ability, the other two shop window, " I say," said in little estimation. As the John, "there's a very pretty girL counsellor on the losing side Let us go in and ask if Mr. was conversing with a friend Thomson lives there, and have some time after, he complained a chat with her."—" Oh! by my of his " ill luck," " You could word," said Patrick, " we must not expect to succeed," said his make a purchase from the dar­ friend, " with a hundred on the ling creature." — " Hoot awa', bench against you,"—"A hun­ mon !" expostulated Alexander, dred ! there were only three." " dinna throw awa' the siller. " I say there were a hundred. Let us just gang in and ask for What other number is repre­ twa and saxpence for hauf a sented by a figure of ONE and croon," two ciphers ? " The moral of this tale is con­ trary to our own experience. In general, we have found John HEART AND TOES. less careful of his loose cash than Pat. A GOUTY and irritable old gentleman, making way with difficulty along the north side of AN UNSUCCESSFUL PUN. Merrion Square, was taken pos­ session of by a sturdy beggar, Two students from the king­ who vigorously plied him for dom of Kerry were undergoing nearly half the length of the an examination in Old Trinity, i68 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. in the course of which the pro­ fessor asked one of them what THE SORROWS OF GEN­ was the Minotaur. The ques­ TILITY, tioned man had not been intro­ A CONNEMARA farmer, once duced to that terrible fellow, paying a visit to Dublin, took it but his better-informed fellow- into his head that he would student whispered him, " A create a sensation among his monster, man !" Catching the neighbours on his return by words, but slightly missing the describing how he enjoyed a pronunciation, he stoutly an­ jaunt in a sedan chair from swered, " A Munster man," and Leinster House to the Castle. thereby lost much ground in So hinting his wishes to a couple the estimation of his examiner. of chairmen, they installed him in a seatless vehicle waiting to be repaired. They started, and the worthy was obliged to ply A THIEF VICTIMIZED BY his limbs, and endure the splash­ AN HONEST MAN. ing of every muddy spot on the route, when liberated, his ill- BARRINGTON, already intro­ natured supporters asked, with a duced to the reader, was one grin, how his honour liked his evening on the look-out in the jaunt. " Oh, I dare say," said pit of Crow Street Theatre for the much-splashed victim, "it unguarded trifles, A gentleman was the genteel thing; but it near whom he happened to looked to me like walking, and stand, looking earnestly at him, very dirty walking, too," thought he recognised the no­ torious pickpocket. Feeling at once for his watch, and missing STRANGE TASTE IN AN it, he seized his man in a mo­ ment, and ordered him to restore ARCHBISHOP, his property, " Make no dis­ OUR next anecdote is only turbance," said the conveyancer, Irish from the fact of its being in a low voice; " here it is," related by Lady Morgan, Her The PLUNDERED, being an easy­ little elysium in Kildare Street going man, let the rogue off is now occupied by a Mr. Thorp, without hesitation, he was so who, perchance, has never read pleased at the recovery of his " O'Donnell" or " Florence Mac- property. Guess his surprise Carthy." The anecdote is here and disgust on his return home presented in a literal translation when his eye lighted on the from the German of Herr Storme, supposed-to-be-stolen article ly­ from whom we borrowed the ing on the table. Barrington, anecdote of Lady Hamilton and in order to escape observation, the Steersman, had handed him one out of five "W..en the Knight (Ritter) or six concealed about his Charles and Lady Morgan had person. the honour of dining in the MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES, 169 palace ot the Archbishop of Toronto for the first time, he AN EQUALLY INTELLI­ thus addressed them: ' You GENT TELESCOPE. must excuse my partiality for A SCIENTIFIC bore was de­ cats, I do not exclude them scanting to a Wexford baronet, from the dining-room, and you a distant cousin of the great will find them to be agreeable Baron Munchausen, on the per­ company,' Between the first fection to which telescopes were and second courses the door brought at the time. He went opened and several beautiful on refining and enlarging till large Angora cats walked in. his auditor was intensely tired. They were presented under the "Ah, my dear fellow," said he, names Pantaloon, Desdemona, at last, "the instruments you Othello, &c., took their places talk of are not fit to hold a on chairs by the table, and con­ candle to one I have at home. ducted themselves with a quiet­ It not only brings the belfry of ness and decency which could Enniscorthy Church outside my not be surpassed at any table in window, but enables me to dis­ the highest society in London, tinguish the hymn that is singing The Archbishop happening to at the time." ask one of the chaplains to help Signora Desdemona, the ser­ vant drew near him and said: SOME OF MORRIS QUILL'S ' My lord, the Signora Des­ HUMOURS. demona will wait till the roast meat is served.'" "AH," exclaimed the above- named humorist, during a very warm engagement in the Penin­ AN INTELLIGENT ECHO, sula, " I wish my worst enemy was kicking me down Sackville THIS and the following piece Street," of extravagance do not belong Morris's cowardice was as un­ to the class of blunders. They real as his simplicity when asked are merely wilful exaggerations why he bought his commission indulged in by sayers of good in the 31st, "Ah, sure, it was things, to be near my brother, who is in A certain person was praising the 32nd," Great delight was his the sharpness and truth of when he could mystify snobs or an echo in some locality. self-important personages. Be­ "Ah," said one of his hearers, fore these he would affect igno­ "it is infinitely inferior to one rance or vulgarity, according to on the lands of Paddy Blake, of circumstances, to entertain his Galway, If you only raise your company. voice before it, and cry, ' How Some prim and straitlaced are you, Paddy Blake?' it will guests being once at the mess- answer, 'Very well, I thank table, Morris, assuming the you, sir,'" accent and pronunciation of a I70 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. Munster peasant, thus addressed very good corps, I wonder you the colonel: " Colonel, I resaved did not remain in it. What aletther to-day frommymotherin made you leave it, sir?"—"Why, Kerry, Just read the direction faith {simulating confusiori), I on it, I'm sure it's plain enough, don't like exactly, major, to and still it's two months comin'. mention the reason,"—" God The colonel, knowing his man, bless me ! what was it?"—" Ma­ read out— jor, I know you are a gentle­ " To Misther Docthor Morris man, every bit of you. So if Quill, Esquire, along with Lord you give me your honour that Wellington's fighting army in you will not mention it to any­ France, or Spain, or Portingale, body, I'll tell you the whole or maybe elsewhere, and the affair,"—" I pledge you my ho­ Western Injies. From his lov­ nour, I will not mention it,"— ing mother." "'Pon your honour," said Morris The stiff-backed visitors looked emphatically,—"'Pon my ho­ at Morris with great contempt nour," echoed the Major, " Well, after this specimen of the state shut the door, Major, You see of education in his family. They when I was in the 31st, I owed were sadly disconcerted when a little money here and there, made aware of the Doctor's ha­ and was bothered with duns. So bits of masquerading of an I just—one day that I was short afternoon. of a litde money" "Well, sir !" interrupted the major,— DR, QUILL'S DANGEROUS " Well, I just—put—a—few of the mess-table spoons and silver SECRET, forks into my pocket, that's all," DR, QUILL'S real cause of —" Indeed !" — " Yes, indeed, exchanging from the 31st was a and a fellow in livery saw me desire of seeing active service. do it, and stopped me before the He brought with him several officers. The Colonel was a warm letters to the colonel and civil fellow, and let me off with­ the superior officers of the new out a court-martial."—"In­ regiment, but did not present deed! ho—hum. Good morn­ them, for fear, as he alleged, ing, sir." that they might think he was on Notwithstanding the pledging the look-out for an invitation to of the Major's honour, the dinner. Colonel and the officers were Some days after joining, a soon in possession of all he supercilious major meeting him could tell them; a meeting was in the mess-room, the following held, resolutions come to, and series of questions and answers the orderly sergeant sent to ensued:— request Mr, Quill's presence at " Pray, sir, were you not a the assembly. Being informed considerable time in the 31st?" by the Colonel that his delin­ —" Oh yes, I was, faith,"—" It quencies in the 31 st were known, is a very good corps indeed, a he cast an arch look on the MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 171 Major, and exclaimed, "Ah, " Where did you buy these Major, Major, so you have told things, Denis ?"—" Oh, please on me though you pledged your your honour up there above— honour," The major winced over the hill—down there at a a little.—" Now, Colonel, that farm house."—" You're sure you gentleman asked me a question bought them, Denis?"—"Oh in a joke, a rather free one, and yes, I ped for 'em, sir, that is, I I made him an answer of the offered the money to the farmer, same kind. He asked me why but he said, ' Never mind, I quitted the 31st, an odd ques­ Denis : it will do another time,'" tion, and he got as odd an —" Very well, very well, Denis. answer. I think it is about time As you paid for the provisions it to deliver my introductory let­ is all well, but take care that the ters. Here is one for you, provost marshal doesn't give you Colonel; here's one for you. your change one of these days." Captain Smith; one for you, —" Ach, we're here, starvin' Captain Jones; one for you, and fightin' for the Portuguese ; Lieutenant Edwards, &c,, &c,, so thelaste they may do, is to &c. Never did the mess-room give us our dinner at any rate." echo heartier laughs than those now occasioned by Morris's craft, and the Major's gullibility. DEATH BEFORE NEGLECT The latter laughed from the OF DUTY. teeth out, but the effort made him sick. Morris's good nature, THE Brigadier-general while good humour, and drollery, soon proceeding during a hot engage­ established him a general fa­ ment to a point in the field vourite. where his presence was needful, saw the Doctor running in the shelter of a hedge, not to the MICKEY FREE, A FOOL TO scene of fire and smoke, but in the contrary direction, " Where DR. QULLL'S ORDERLY. are you going, sir ? " shouted the NEVER was such a treasure General, " I protest," was the possessed by any officer in a answer which came to his ears, strange country, and no money " I'll stay there no longer ; it's to be had, than Dr. Quill pos­ too hot," The irate commander sessed in DeniSi There was supposing the run-away to be a not a sixpence in the regi­ recreant man of the sword, sent mental chest, as one might say, his aide-de-camp after him to yet Dr. Quill would invite friends march him back prisoner, but to dine with him without know­ Morris got to the hedge where ing how a single eatable was to his instruments were lying be­ be got. fore the pursuer, and was seen The guest having arrived and returning with them as fast as the fowl, pork, or young pig laid his legs could bring him. The before them. Quill would ask,— aide-de-camp, recognising the 172 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. merry surgeon, burst out a IS private • -?"—" He's where laughing, and so did the Gene­ your Honour ordered him to be ral, and so did Morris himself —in the river," " I intended you Having seen a brother-officer to see the man washed, and grievously hurt in the fight, and brought back clean."—" Faith, not having the instruments suit­ your honour, the words as I able for his case about him, he caught them were, ' Lave that had been hastening for them man in the river.' I took him when spied by the brigadier, to the river and left him in it, and there I hope he is still safe *»* These anecdotes of the gallant Mun­ ster man are to be found in " The Military and sound," Sketch Book" (Colbum, 1838), a most amusing and interesting work. A VALID EXCUSE, IMPORTANCE OF CORRECT LIEUTENANT O'BRIEN, com­ PRONUNCIA TION, monly called Skyrocket Jack, while sitting on a gun-carriage ALONG with Morris Quill and in the ship Edgar at Spit- his brave brothers, of Scottish, head, happened to be blown up English, and Welsh land, figured a reasonable height, but falling in the peninsula a colonel, brave into the water, he was picked up as a lion, "but as precise as a black and damp, and in that ]\Iartinet, and more select in his plight presented to the admiral. choice of words than Percie " I hope, sir," said he, " you Shafton himself Sometimes will excuse my dirty appearance, the non-commissioned officers I came off ship-board in so did not understand him, and great a hurry that I have not ridiculous consequences ensued. had time to shift myself" Once, when making an inspec­ tion of his men, he was much irritated by the dirty state of one UNPOPULAR WITH private whom he had more than FRIENDS AND FOES, once before reproved for his A LIEUTENANT-COLONEL in neglect of cleanhness.—" Here, the Irish Brigade was des­ Corporal Fogarty," said he, patched by the Duke of Ber­ " take that eye-and-nose offend­ wick (natural son of James II.) ing man, and lave him in the to Louis XIV, with an account river," If discipline would have of some irregularities among his allowed, the Corporal would have troops at Fort Kiel, His Ma­ scratched his head in perplexity, jesty, considerably annoyed, ex­ but the order was peremptory, claimed, in a pettish tone, and he marched off his man. " These Irishmen give me more Before the operation intended trouble than all the rest of my by the Colonel could well be soldiers,"—"Your Majesty's ene­ performed, Corporal Fogarty mies to a man make the very presented himself " Well, have same complaint," rejoined the you done as I directed ? Where Hibernian officer. MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 173

AN ANOMALY IN PHYSICS. Street, Dublin, and author of " The Country Wake," published JOSEPH MILLER, Esq,, in the in 1696, To his great merits as grave and dismal work which an actor, Congreve's plays owed he bequeathed to posterity, thus much of their popularity. That related an extraordinary feat dramatist wrote out the parts of performed by that soldier by Fondlewife and Ben expressly instinct, the mere Irishman :— for him. In low comedy and " The colonel of an English singing humorous songs he was regiment, going out of his tent scarcely to be excelled. To one evening, saw approaching commemorate the Hanoverian one of his Irish soldiers con­ succession he instituted the row­ ducting three prisoners of war. ing match for a coat and silver The captor gave the military badge on the first of August, salute, and pointed to his prize, the candidates being six young ' Ah, how have you managed to men one year out of their ap­ secure the three ? Were you prenticeship. The Garrick Club single-handed ?'—' To be sure possess an original portrait of I was, your honour, but I man­ Dogget, never engraved. The aged to surround them.'" following lines were written with a diamond on a glass pane in Lambeth on the ist of August, CATCHING A TARTAR. 1736 :— NOT SO fortunate was Paddy ** Tom Dogget, the greatest sly drole in Mullowney, between whom and his parts, a comrade the following dialogue In acting, for certain, was master of arts, A monument left, no herald is fuller, was maintained across a barrier His praise is sung yearly by many a of brushwood, and during a re­ sculler. treat :— Ten thousand years hence, if the world lasts so long, "Come on, Paddy," —"I Tom Dogget will still be the theme of can't," — " Why ? " — " I have their song. taken a presner."—" Bring him When Old Nol with great Louis the Bourbon's forgot. along with you." — " He won't And when numberless kings in oblivion come." — " Then come away shall rot." without him."—" He won't let me," TOM MOORE'S EARLY TOM DOGGET AND HIS ACTING. BADGE. OUR national poet was apupit THOSE patrons of ours who of the worthy Mr. White, whose have read " The Waterman," or academy was situated at the seen it performed, cannot forget rear of the house in Grafton the rowing match on the Thames Street, now numbered 79. White for the badge. Provision was rather fostered dramatic propen­ made for this institution by sities in his pupils, and an in­ Thomas Dogget, born in Castle stinctive love of acting exhibited 174 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. itself in our subject from a very tion of themselves and their early age. friends. " A very pretty person "How great was my pride, (he says), named Fanny Ryan, delight, and awe !" he says in played the part of Norah, and I his journal, "when summoned was the happy Patrick—dressed, to cross the yard to the master's I recollect, in a volunteer uni­ house to be introduced to Miss form of a boy much larger than Campion (a popular actress), myself, and which, accordingly, and to have the high honour of hung about me in no very sol­ reciting to her Alexander's dierly fashion. Feast." "I wrote a farewell epilogue Great was the little fellow's for the occasion, which I de­ gratification on receiving a gra­ livered myself in a suit of cious bow of recognition from the mourning, as little adapted to young lady in the streets a few my size as the regimentals. In days later. describing the transition we " I question," he says, " if a were about to undergo from salute from Corinne when on actors to mere school-boys, my her way to be crowned in the epilogue had the following Capitol, would have affected me lines :— in after-years half so much." " Our pantaloon, that did so aged look. The handsome and vivacious Must now resume his youth, his task, his book; child was sure to be singled out Our harlequin, who skipp'd, leap'd, by his schoolmaster when in­ danced, and died. fantine display was found de­ Must now stand trembling by his tutor's sirable at one of the public ex­ side." hibitions, " to the no small MOORE AT THE KIL­ jealousy of all other mammas, and the great glory of my own. KENNY THEATRICALS. As I looked particularlyinfantine THE amateur theatricals which for my age, the wonder was still have associated such pleasant more wonderful, ' Oh, he is an souvenirs with the old City of old little crab,' said one of the Kilkenny, endured from 1802 to rival Cornelias on one occasion 1820, many of the performers of this kind, ' He can't be less being furnished from the Irish than eleven or twelve years of Bar. Moore filled such roles as. age.'—' Then, madam,' said a as Sam in " Raising the Wind," gentleman sitting next her, one Robin Roughhead, Mungo, Sadt who was slightly acquainted in ' The Mountaineers," Spado with our family, ' if that is the and Peeping Tom. Some of case, he must have been four Spado's allusions to his short years old before he was born,'" stature and other peculiarities During a vacation the little were received by the audience man and some of his juvenile as entirely applicable to the friends got up the little comedy low-sized actor himself, espe­ of "The Poor Soldier," and cially those contained in the played it to the entire satisfac­ following lines: — MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 175 " Though bom to be little's my fate. Yet so was the great Alexander, And when I walk under a gate MACKLIN, CHRISTENED I've no need to stoop like a gander. CHARLES MACLAUGHLIN. I'm no lanky, long hoddy-doddy. THIS celebrated actor and Whose paper kite sails in the sky ; Though wanting three feet in my body. author came to the world during In soul I am thirty feet high." the retreat from the Boyne. His mother would accompany her It is much to the credit of the husband to the Jacobite camp, poet's memory that when John and in the disastrous retreat she Banim, then an enthusiastic boy, was obliged perforce to seek a waited on him with a specimen temporary refuge, and submit to of his poetry, he gave him the woman's destiny. Her second kindest reception, obtained for husband was a Williamite him a season ticket, and took an trooper, William O'Malley by unfeigned interest in his well­ name, and not an unkind step­ doing. father. Young Charles was such a scape-grace as to be distin­ guished by the name of "Wicked Charley." He tried different oc­ IRISH BULLS CONDUCTING cupations in early life, a college ENGLISH ONES INTO scout {skip in Dublin slang) WRONG PASTURES. being among the number, but finally fixed on the stage, to THE considerate actor who which he had always a hanker­ was appointed to present LION ing from his first appearance as in the interlude in the " Mid­ Monimia when a schoolboy. summer Night's Dream," was Observing in his strolling life considerate enough to allay the that his Irish accent was a draw­ fears of his audience beforehand back to his success, he took les­ by proclaiming that he was in sons from a Welsh clergyman, reality mere Mr. Snug the joiner, and the result was a hybrid at their service, and no ravenous enunciation not familiar to the wild beast. Had Mr. Edg- inhabitants of any part of the worth, when issuing his " Essay empire. He himself, later in on Irish Bulls," been as discreet, life, gave lessons in accent to a he would have spared the York­ Scotch student, who wished to shire or Lancashire Agricultural obtain the pure and undefiled Society the trouble of ordering accent of England. several copies of the work, the expense incurred in discharging the bill, and the mortification of MACLAUCHLIN ENDS IN finding the bulls mere creatures of the brain, instead of the ro­ MACKLIN. bust animals pastured on the OUR hero, having got rid of rich meadows of Meath or his Irish accent, fancied he would Limerick, advantageously discard his Irish 176 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. surname. Indeed, convenience had as much to do in the change "THIS IS THE JEW THAT as conceit. HisEnglishacquaint- SHAKESPEARE DREW." ance could not get nearer the gut­ tural sound than il/d;c/(7/^2;«. With MACKLIN was the Peachum of his Irish friends the change did " The Beggars' Opera," Scrub in him bad service, Phil Flanagan " The Beaux Stratagem," Mar­ calling to his lodging, inquired plot in " The Busy Body," and of the mistress, " Is young obtained great applause in these CharleyMacLaughlinat home?" and other such impersonations. "Charley who, sir?" "Charles To suit the bad taste of the audi­ MacLaughlin, from Dublin," ences of a century and a half ago. " Maclottin, Maclottin ! I really Lord Lansdowne set about im­ don't know any such person," proving " The Merchant of Ve­ Phil taking a letter from his nice." He called his adaptation pocket held it out to the woman, " The Jew of Venice," and con­ exclaiming, " Arrah, don't be verted the tragic Shylock into a joking, missis. Do you think I low-comedy character, Macklin's don't know my cousin's writing, judgment decided that the play, and doesn't he say here he as it came from Shakespeare's lives three doors from Temple brain, would prove a success. Bar, and isn't this house three He put it in rehearsal, merely doors from them big gates?" read ShylocHs part without in­ She denied all intention of giving fusing any passion into it, and offence. " There was no Mr. had the actors and actresses in Maclottin in her house. The dire distress, and expectation of only gentleman occupying her an entire failure. Things were apartments was a Mr. Mack- not improved when he appeared lin, from Ireland, as she be­ in the green room, not in the hoved." ludicrous costume of Lord Lans- downe's Hebrew, but such as we When Macklin returned from ourselves have seen on Edmund the rehearsal, his landlady men­ Kean, Amid the awful stillness tioned the inquiry made in his of a crowded house the play absence for a Mr. Maclottin. commenced, the actors and ac­ " Why, bless my soul!" said he, tresses not daring to call their " I am the person inquired for," souls their own, but from the " You !" said she in a scream. first scene in which Shylock had "Well Mr. Maclottin, Maclug- anything to do, to the conclusion, ton, or Macklin, the sooner you the applause went on increasing^ leave my house the better. I'll and Macklin's triumph was com­ have no people with two names plete. Nineteen nights in suc­ stopping here," It required cession the play was repeated to some trouble on the part of the Crowded houses, manager of the theatre to as­ sure her of Macklin's respecta­ "On the third night of repre­ bility. sentation all eyes were directed to the stage box, where sat a de- MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES, 177 formed little man, and while tight and slack rope. This others watched his gestures as if species of attraction losing its to learn his opinion of the per­ charm after a while, she con­ formers, he was gazing intently structed a stage, got scenery on Shylock, and as the actor painted, and had plays and farces panted in broken accents of rage, performed. Her artists were not and sorrow, and avarice, ' Go, the first in their line, and the Tubal: fee me an officer, be­ speculation failed. But the speak him a fortnight before. I French dancer on the cord was will have the heart of him if he not to be discouraged. She se­ forfeit; for were he out of Ven­ cured actors and actresses, none ice, I can make what merchan­ beyond ten years of age, in­ dise I will. Go, Tubal, and meet structed them carefully, and me at our synagogue. Go, good brought out "The Beggar's Tubal; at our synagogue. Tu­ Opera," then the rage in London, bal,"—the little man was seen to Night after night, crowded rise, and leaning from the box houses testified their approba­ as Macklin passed it, he whis­ tion of the new order of things. pered :— Among the juvenile performers was enlisted the pretty, gentle, " This is the Jew, little Peggy Woffington, whose That Shakespeare drew." previous business was minding her mother's fruit standing at Macklin was the original Sir the corner of the same court. In Pertinax MacSycophant in his time the little basket girl was own play of " The Man of the the best representative of the World." In our days, Mr. Phelps high bred lady, which the the­ has made the character personal atres of London could supply. property, "Love k la Mode," She was not without her failings, in which he personated Sir but could not be surpassed in Archy MacSarcasm is seldom sweetness of disposition, and repeated; wherefore we know kindness of heart. The alms­ not. Charles MacLaughlin ex­ houses founded by her at Ted- pired on the nth of July, 1797, dington still survive. " A writei at the ripe age of 104, of the last century tells us that he remembered seeing Mrs. Wofiington's mother, whom she MRS. MARGARET WOFF- comfortably supported, a re­ INGTON'S DEBUT. spectable looking old lady in hei short black velvet cloak, with IN 1727 Mme,Violante opened deep rich fringe, a diamond ring, a large house of entertainment and small agate snuff-box. She in Fownes's Court, near Anglesea had nothing to mind but going Street, and afforded amusement the rounds of the Catholic chapels to the Dublin lieges by the per­ and chatting with her neigh­ formances of acrobats and of per­ bours." {Irish Quarterly Re­ formers of tours de force gener­ view.) ally, she herself dancing on the N 178 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. The Italian singers having cing-master of his day, answer­ taken London by assault, Dublin ing the question in the letter but (always its servile imitator) fol­ not the spirit, directed him to lowed suite. While Margaret the residence of Sir Ralph WofQngton was still in her Fetherstone, Oliver, entering teens, a Dublin poet thus sati­ the parlour with the jaunty air rized the acquired taste, in of youth, found the master of many instances one of affecta­ the mansion sitting at a good tion :— fire, said he wished to pass the night at his house, ordered " There's scarce a Forth man or FingalUan, But sings or whistles in Italian. supper, and invited the land­ Instead of good old Barley Mow, lord and his family to sup With famo tanto drives the plough; with him. Sir Ralph, learning They o'er their cups can sing si caro. And dare profane it at the harrow." his family and highly esteeming his father, humoured the joke, The Barony Forth man is played the old-fashioned land­ here unscrupulously slandered. lord, and much enjoyed the Till a much later date than young fellow's self-approbation that of the song, English was and thorough unworldliness. scarcely introduced into the ba­ When retiring for the night, rony. Oliver requested a hot cake for his breakfast. The cake was consumed next morning by the youth and his hosts, but his THE FIRST PERFORMANCE chagrin and confusion on de­ OF "SHE STOOPS TO manding his bill and discover­ CONQUER," ing his mistake, can scarcely be conceived. In his play of " She GOOD-HEARTED and simple- minded Oliver Goldsmith get­ Stoops to Conquer," he turned ting, at the age of sixteen or the mistake to good account. seventeen, a guinea in his pocket, and being on his way to Edgworthstown school, saun­ "SNUFFED OUT BY AN tered on leisurely, admiring the gentlemen's seats and every ARTICLE." other thing worth admiration as KEATS was not the only one he went along. In this blest who came thus by his death. and heedless condition of mind, Such of our readers as take an he found himself in the town of interest in old theatrical books, Ardagh at nightfall, thought he have met with "The Eccentrici­ had better stay there till morn­ ties of John Edwin, Comedian." ing, and, meeting a respectable- The son of this humorist be­ looking man, he inquired for longed to the Crow Street the best house in the town, Theatre, in the beginning of the meaning thereby the best inn. present century, when the late The inquired-at man, by name John Wilson Croker, then a Cornelius O'Kelly, the best fen­ briefless barrister, published his MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 179 very biting and familiar epistles approbation of the satirist. Tra­ to Frederick Jones, the then dition says that his death was proprietor of that place of enter­ caused by the few lines devoted tainment. Few now alive have to him. He died in 1805, and seen the performances of any an upright slab in St. Wer- half dozen of the artists cen­ burgh's church preserved, at sured or praised in the " Fami­ least till lately, his name and liar Epistles," but among that the date of his death. We have half dozen the brave old come­ had the pleasure of witnessing dian Mr, WilHams must be re­ the acting of his widow, who membered. " The Comedy of was unequalled in such parts as Errors," in which he and York­ Mrs, Malaprop, The Duenna, shire Johnson (Jones was his &c. These are the lines to real name, and he was a Cock­ which such malign power has ney besides) represented the two been attributed. Dromios, was as delightful a treat as could be presented to " Heaven, that dooms to equal fate. The thespian and the human state. the public. Johnson had got up With Mrs. Edwin blessed her vows. Williams's face so well, and so But cursed us with her lubbard spouse. Yet let us spare him for a name ludicrously copied and exagge­ High on the rolls of comic fame, rated his grimaces and gestures, And on degeneracy take and bodily movements, that the Compassion for the parents' sake. Such as he sometimes feels, who views latter looked only a pale copy Howards or Russells cleaning shoes." of himself, and the house in­ dulged in a continued peal of merriment while either was on the stage. For the sake of those CROW STREET V. PETER who remember the respectable STREET, old citizen, we copy Croker's THE once famous Astley put allusion to him when he was in his horses through their paces his prime, with the hint that he in a circus in Peter Street, and did not receive a just apprecia­ the patentee of the Theatre tion from the satirist, Royal, Crow Street, fancying that he was encroaching on his " Next Williams comes, the rude and rough. own privileges by having " The With face most whimsically gruff; Lock and Key" presented in Aping the careless sons of ocean. He scorns each free and easy motion; his amphitheatre, brought his Tight to his sides his elbows pins. grievance before their Lordships And dabbles with his hands like fins. in the Four Courts. Curran Would he display the greatest woe. He slaps his breast, and points his toe : being one of the counsel em­ Is merriment to be expressed. ployed, contrived to deprive the He points his toe and slaps his breast. His turns are swings, his step a jump. cause of any decent degree of His feeUng fits, his touch a thump. gravity by his exordium, And violent in all his parts. He speaks by gusts, and moves by starts." "My lords, the whole ques­ tion turns upon this, whether Edwin was one of the unlucky the said " Lock and Key " is to artists who failed to secure the be considered a patent one, or N 2 i8o MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES: else of the spring and tumbler powers as well as with the kind," It would not be easy to smuggling populace, and some­ produce another instance of this thing must be done to retrieve kind of pleasantry, in which the his character. Taking a favour­ words to be abused presented able time, he apprehended a themselves so unreservedly to citizen at night at the head of a the abuser. string of horses all laden with tobacco. The horses and loads escaped, but Connor their owner was put in prison, and then put THESPIS AND BACCHUS before the judge. He was a FALSE FRIENDS. man with a large family, and if convicted would suffer several A CERTAIN guardian of the years' imprisonment, O'Connell lamps in Crow Street Theatre, was fee'd for the defence, which named Flood, possessed such appeared nearly hopeless ; but powers of memory and mimicry several zealous and unprincipled that he got many a half-crown young friends of Connor way­ from the actors or their patrons laid and secured in succession for exhibitions of his talents. poor Flood for some days be­ Passing along the quay one day, fore the trial, spouted, and he saw a boy struggling in the caused him to spout, drank with river, and being a fearless man him, and made him drink, and and a good swimmer, he threw when at last he sat in the wit­ himself in and saved the lad. ness's chair, he was very much The parents of the rescued boy bemused in ale and punch. being influential people, got the Still, by a supreme effort he kept brave man a place in the Custom­ mastery over himself, and gave house, and he kept his roister­ unequivocal evidence against ing propensities in check, till in the prisoner. He had risen, an unlucky hour he was deputed and was leaving his pew with to rule the revenue in Dingle, much self-approval, when O'Con­ Being now his own master, he nell shouted at him," Come back, gave scope to his theatrical im­ Alonzo !" Like the war-horse pulses, fitted up a little theatre, at the trumpet blast, poor Flood and trained the youthful Romeos got excited, and exclaimed, and Juliets of that remote town " Alonzo the brave and the fair to walk the stage, and declaim Imogen !"—" And who is your with effect. Worse still, he last Imogen?" He shook his would have little suppers for his head with drunken gravity, but performers, male and female, under the counsellor's screw- when play and farce were over, press he was obliged to confess and sundry yards and hen­ to many peccadilloes connected roosts were invaded to furnish with his amateur theatricals, as cheer for these Olympian feasts. well as dark deeds of convey­ ancing of fowls from yards and Flood by degrees got into roosts. He abused his examiner bad odour with the higher MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. ISI right and left, lost his judgment, seats, and the victim entirely contradicted his own testimony, beyond vulgar caution, he fell but would be immediately mol­ prone on his face in the trench, lified when O'Connell would and all his powers were for the treat him to bits from plays, or moment paralyzed. The jury furnish him with cues. One of took but little time to frame these so affected him that, cry­ their verdict of acquittal, and ing out " My life, my love, my the rescue of the poor smuggler Belvidera !" he attempted to furnished the great lawyer with fling himself on his false friend's much self-complacency in after neck. There being an unnoticed years. chasm between the respective

NOTE. OUR motto is furnished from one of the shorter poems of Sir Walter Scott,—" The Search after Happiness." IRISH PROVERBS.

SUCH sayings in this collection as may not be familiar to the general reader are translations from the Irish, but used by the now English-speaking people in some other forms. They have been selected from the copious store to be found in the excellent Irish Grammar written by the Rev, Ulick J, Burke, of St, Jarlath's College, All the rest have been heard by the writer in the province of Leinster, but the greater part are as much the pro­ perty of Hindustanis, Persians, Germans, Italians and Spaniards, as they are of the inhabitants of the banks of the Liffey and Slaney, the form and appendages varying according to the political, social, and physical conditions of the different peoples among whom they are domesticated. No one need fear any future scarcity of the article. Rev, Ulick Burke has as many in the native Irish as would fill a good-sized volume, and is not every one aware of the awful number of editions created to infold the mighty mass of the Proverbial Philosophy of Martin Farquhar Tupper, Esq, ! A burnt child dreads the fire. A cat is able to look on a king. A chance shot will kill the divel. A crooked cake makes a straight back. A day in the bone is worth two in the tally. {Rest is as needful as work.) A drink before a story. {Give encouragement to professionl musi­ cians, artists, dr^c.) A drink is shorter than a story. {An excuse for a drink before the story ends.) A gift horse is not to be looked in the teeth. A good beginning is half the work. A hen is heavy when carried far. A light-heeled mother makes a heavy-heeled daughter. A living dog is better than a dead lion. IRISH PROVERBS. 183 Always rub your skirts to some one better off than yourself A miss is as good as a mile. An alms from his own share is given to a fool. An empty vessel sounds loud. An illiterate king is a crowned ass. A man without learning and wearing fine clothes. Is like a gold ring in a fat pig's nose. A sage is not always wise. As black as the sole of your shoe. As dark as bags. As fine a man as you'd meet in a kish of brogues. A shoemaker's wife and a smith's mare are always badly shod. As puny-stomached as Bully {the house-dog; said of a glutton). As welcome as flowers in May. A thorn in mire, a hound's tooth, and a fool's retort, are the three sharpest things in creation. A watched pot never boils. {A thing anxiously expected seems slow in coming^ A wet funeral is lucky. Happy is the corpse that the rain rains on; And happy is the bride that the sun shines on. A wet and a windy May makes strong barns. A wren in hand is better than a crane on loan. A bird in hand is worth two in the bush. Badly got, badly gone. Beggars can't be choosers. Better the end of a feast than the beginning of a fray. Big head, little wit. Catch a weasel asleep. {An order to do some difficult thing.) " Come day, go day, God send Sunday !" {A wish attributed to an indolent person.) " Divel thravel your speed !" {A mistake of persons imperfect in English for " D. speed your journey.'") " Divel die with him! If we lose a friend we'll lose a foe," {Said on the death of an acquaintance for whom the speaker had little regard?) Don't keep a dog and bark yourself! Donald is Thigue's brother, A chip of the old block. 18.. IRISH PROVERBS. Don't put off thatching till the storm is at hand. Don't tie with your tongue what you can't open with your teeth, {A dissuasive against an imprudent marriage) Ease and elegance, like a shoe-black in a noddy. Eaten bread is sour. Eaten bread is soon forgotten. Every child is as its nursing. With education form the tender mind ; Just as the twig is bent, the tree's inclined. Everything, and cabbage a-Sunday, {Expressive of comfort among our peasantry) Everything troubles you, and the cat breaks your heart. {A reproof addressed to a querulous person) Fair and easy goes far in the day. Far-away cows have long horns. Far-away hills look green, February fill-dyke,—neither black nor white. Friends are known in distress, A friend in need is a friend indeed, " Go and kill a Hussian for yourself" {See page 107.) God never shuts one door, but he opens another. God never made a mouth without making something to put in it. God's relief is nearer than the threshold. Going to a goat's house to look for wool. Going to law with the devil, and the court held in hell. Gold is light with a fool. A fool and his money are soon parted. Half loaf is better than no bread. He breaks his wife's head, and then buys a plaster for it. He cut a rod to whip his own back. He got up before the D. shook his doublet. He has too many irons in the fire. He improves like bad fish in July. He is like a swinged cat, betther nor he looks. He is not able to drag a herring off the coals. He is not covetous, but he'd fain have all. He is never without a cawbeen, a threheen, and a sligeen {Old hat, old stocking, and old shoe). He that's born to be hanged needn't fear water. IRISH PRO VERBS. 185 He that's born under a threepenny planet will never be worth a groat. He was fit to stack his duds {to break into a fit of madness). He went to look at somebody drinking. {An euphuism for " He wetit to drink'') He'll either make a spoon or spoil a horn. He would swear a hole through a griddle. His feeding is better than his education. He is better fed than taught, \iifs and ands were pots and pans, small work would be for the tinker. If wishes were horses, beggars might ride ; If straws were swords, I'd have one by my side. If you were as catcheous as you're snappish you wouldn't leave a bird on the bushes. It's a bad bird that defiles its own nest. It's a bad blast that is not good for some one. It's an ill wind blows that does nobody good. It's a long lane that has no turn. It's easy to bake with meal at your hand. It's no secret when it's known to three. It wasn't from the wind he got it. {He did not obtain his know­ ledge without study) It's Tallow-Hill talk with you. {This locality was famous for robberies committed on carmen. " Your talk is as idle as a carman's boast before he had got away clear from Tallow {Tallacht) hill.") It's to please herself that the cat sings her cronan {purrs). It was the three borrowed days that killed poor Raphogue. {The Cow having wagered with March that he would not be able to kill her, and having survived the thirty-first day, she kicked up her heels, lowing out, " That for March'' The enraged month, out of spite, borrowed the first three days from April, and did the poor beast's business) Jig be jowl,—cheek by jowl. Keep your breath to cool your porridge. Look before taking a leap. Looking for a hound without knowing its colour. Make a complaint to no one but a friend. Many a shabby colt made a fine horse. 186 IRISH PROVERBS. Many a day shall we rest in the grave. Marry in haste, and repent at leisure. Men and women meet;—mountains never. More holy than godly. {A jest on ragged clothes.) More by chance than good luck. Never scald your lips with another man's porridge. No fool like an old fool. "No force, black pig." (/'// lose no more time in persuading you to do whafs right) No one knows where the shoe pinches better than him that wears it. No tree but has rotten wood enough to burn it. {An allusion to the evil wrought by bad members of a family) Nuts taste bitter in the evening {to those who have feasted on them through the day). Och mavrone! {oh my sorrow J) black stones will never grow white! Often was Ugly amiable, and Pretty sulky. Once paid, never craved. One nail spoils a horse, one horse spoils a team of six. For want of a nail the shoe was lost. For want of a shoe the horse was lost. For want of a horse the man was lost. One cockchafer thinks another handsome. One scabby sheep infects a flock. One story is good till another is told. " Peace be with them !" as King James (I, ?) said to his hounds. Poor and proud, like the Moneytummer people. {In every district some village or townland is thus characterised.) Poverty is no crime. If it was, many a one would be hanged. Put more potatoes in the pot, maybe some one is coming down Scollach Gap. {An anticipation of some traveller coming in hungry) Putting on the mill the thatch of the kiln. Robbing Peter to pay Paul, Right wrongs no man. She ate shame and drank after it. {Said of an abandoned woman) She looks as if butter wouldn't melt in her mouth, {Affectedly modest) IRISH PROVERBS. 187 She wipes the plates with the cat's tail. {Said of a slattern) She wipes her face with the pot rag. {Ditto) Shoes in the cradle, the feet in the mire. {A hint to those who do not thankfully use the good gifts of Providence) Skinning a flea for its hide and tallow. Standers on the ditch (fence) are the best hurlers. Bachelor's children are the best educated. Success attends slovenliness. {Misers generally neglect cleanli­ ness) There's luck in muck. Summer is summer till Michaelmas Day. Winter is winter till the middle of May, Take a short stick in your fist, and be off to , That man has an eye in the back of his head. That's the lazy man's load. {Said to a person who carries too many things at once to avoid a second journey) That woman won't sell her hen on a rainy day, {A • character for cleverness) The cat will soon take you under the bed. {Said to a faint­ hearted person) The cow dies while the grass is growing. The darkest hour is before the dawn. The devil could not hold a candle to him. {Said of a very wicked person) The foot at rest meets nothing. The shut hand catches no fish. The fox has you by the throat, (You are hoarse) The lake is not the heavier for the duck. The Iamb teaching its dam to bleat. The longest way round, the shortest way home. {Regular industry to be preferred to speculation) The pig is on your back. (You are in a bad humour.) The priest christens his own child first. {The saying alludes to the circumstance of a few newly-born children being left to the care of a clergyman and some neighbouring families) There is a rib broke in the devil, {Some obdurate person has done an act of mercy.) There's nothing sharper than a woman's tongue. There never was an old shoe that could not get its match of an old stocking. {A matrimonial aphorism) 188 IRISH PROVERBS. The scanty dish tastes well. Hunger is good sauce. Three without rule,—a woman, a pig, and a fool. The smell was strong enough to knock down a horse. This won't put much fat on my ribs. {Said of a profitless affair) Time and I against any two. To carry water in a sieve. Too much of one thing is good for nothing. To rake a fire on the edge of a lake, or to throw stones on a strand, is as foolish as to advise a silly woman. Two eyes are better than one. Wash your dirty linen in the house, {Keep silence to your neigh­ bours on your domestic affairs) We brought the summer along with us. We never miss the water till the well runs dry. What can't be had is just what's wished for. What can you expect from a cat but her skin. What the devil gives with one hand, he takes with the other. What the housewife spares, the cat eats. What your neighbour gets, you never lose. When a man is down, down with him. Where the thing is not, the king loses his right. While a duck swims, a swan's feathers are white, and a dog snarls and bites, a woman will be perverse. Wine is sweet, sour its effects. Wine tells truth. Words are but wind ; but blows are unkind. You are a better turner than a dishmaker. (You are expert at m isrepresen tat ion) You are as stiff as if you had oatmeal to sell. You can't have your loaf and eat it. You got a blind man to judge of colour. You make fish of one, and flesh of another. You might as well be throwing stones against the wind. Your eye is bigger than your stomach. (You will not be able to eat as much as you think) INDEX.

A. An Absent Man; He forgets His own Name and His own Hat, 126 A Bishop Militant (Hervey, Bristol and An Anti-Johnsonian Judge (Judge Kelly), Derry), 86 76 An Archbishop of a Different Stamp, 87 An Election Decided by a Sweep (Alder­ A Bull on a Ladder-top, 161 man Beresford and Sir Jonah Barrington ** A Bumper, Squire Jones," 46 being the Candidates), 72 A Bizarre Mode of Encouraging Irish An Equivocal Invitation, 161 Literature, 42 An Ingenious but Slightly Reprehensible A Causeless, Mutual Fright, 14 Device (Death of Dr. Patrick Duigenan), A Change without Improvement, 162 S4 A Christian Turk, 71 An Ingenious Device of Judge Patterson, A Church Dignitary not above Pun-making, 75 156 An Intelligent Echo, 169 A College Tragedy, 43 An equally Intelligent Telescope, 169 A Cook of Imperfect Education, 165 An Irish Attempt at a Classic Triumph A Coroner's Inquest in Old Times, 158 (Lord Clare to present the Slave in the Active and Honest Magistrates, 97 Chariot), loi A Cunning Woman (the Honourable Mrs. An Uncanonical Dispensation, 166 Cuffe), 92 An Unsuccessful Pun, 167 A Curious Rise in Law Life, 124 A Pair of PubHc Instructors (Francis Hig- A Death-bed Practical Joke (by Richard gms and Matthias Giffard), 98 Parsons, first Earl of Rosse), 46 A Persian's Notions on Ireland (1744), 44 A Delectable Trial before the Lords (Lord A Sleight-of-hand Trick (by George Bar­ Aldborough), 73 rington), 105 A Dismal Joke, 166 A Speech from the Upper Gallery (Irish A Disreputable Line (the Luttrells) extin­ Johnstone), 59 guished, 102 A "Tail badly adapted to the Body (a Pecu­ A Distinction accompanied by a Difference, liarity of Sir Frederick Flood), 67 A Text of Scripture applied with Success, Admiration thrown away, 164 38 A Double Duel, 44 A Thief Victimized by an Honest Man, i68 A Few of Baron O'Grady's Good Things, A Transplanted Legend, 11 144 A Valid Excuse, 172 A Fairly-fought Combat, 106 A Venerable Joke, 163 A Fidget on the Bench (Judge Goold), 123 A Wounded "Trooper's Gratitude (Siege ol A Happy though not strictly Literal Trans­ Limerick), 17 lation, 121 A "Translation the Reverse of this, 122 A Haughty Lady subdued, 120 A Landlord Regardless of Ambush (Lord B, Clonmel), 121 A Legal Exchange of Civilities, 78 Barony Forth Memorabilia, 13 A Liberty taken with History by Tradi­ Barry (James, the Painter), some of his tion (Lord Santry), 134 Eccentricities, 53 A Little Foible of Judge Boyd's, 75 Beaten at his own Weapons, 132 A Marquis who loved not Music (M. of Be Generous; Let Justice mind Itself, 155 Ely), 105 Be Kind to your Beast, 162 A Model Dublin Editor, A.D. 1728 (Jemmy Brass Money (the Wooden Shoes omitted), Carson), 43 IS An Absent Man; He forgets His Bryan Maguire, 83 Bride, 125 Buck Whalley, 52 190 INDEX.

E. Car-boy Wit, 157 Ears and no Ears ; Eyes, do., 151 Catching a Tartar, 173 Equal to the Occasion, x^-^ Changing their Colours, 134 Equivocal Praise, 166 Charley of the Horses, 25 How Cahir na Goppal (this worthy) Helped a Broker Conveyancer, 26 F. Collaboration, 166 Father Arthur O'Leary, 59 Condescension of the Lord Chancellor's (Clare) Father, 77 A Friend in Court (Curran), 60 Curran and Abernethy, in A Wilful Mistake, 60 • A Dog on the Bench (with Lord ' Choice of a Religion, 60 Clare), 80 The Bear that Spoke Irish, 61 A Few of Curran's Puns, 82 Force of Habit, 108 A Law Court Disturbed by a Swal­ Force of Habit; Second Example, 123 low, 81 Funeral Rites Performed over the Living, A Prodigal Brother, 98 99 Crow-street v. Peter-street, 179 Duel with Bully Egan, 81 G. First Fee, 80 General Ginckell's disorderly Household, 18 on (Judge) Carleton, 81 George Faulkner ; a little Foible of, 39 at the Play, 40 narrowly escapes Knighthood, 40 - The Treacherous Strawberry, 113 George Robert Fitzgerald's First Duel, 85 Dalkey and its King, 62 Gillo's Pedigree, 41 Dean Swift among the Lawyers, 36 Good Advice, 165 and his Man at their Devotions, 32 Good Points in the Characters of James, and his Printer (George Faulkner), 39 William, and Schonberg, 6 and the Shoemaker, 33 A Tax on the Atmosphere dreaded, 35 H. Charitable Disposition of, 34 •— • Charity Sermon of, 35 Heart and Toes, 167 Culinary Skill of, 36 *' He's not Covetous, but he'd fain have Death of, 33 All," 159 Discipline in the Deanery, 35 How Aughrim was Lost, 19 Epilogue to a Charity-Play, 36 How Buck English became Blind, TOO First Meeting of, with his Servant, 31 How Dr. Thomas Sheridan won a Wife, 50 Gives a Lesson in Politeness, and gets How Sir Richard Steele got Himself his Reward, 31 Preached at, 58 - Lost Labour, 36 How the King (Geo. IV.) was frightened . Translation of the Plearaca na Ru- on Leinster Lawn, 120 arcach, 37 How the Money went in Police Offices, 97 . True to the Death, 32 How Tom Flinter would have bought up a Different Qualities of Tea, 160 whole Fair, t^ Simple and Compound Bodies (a Con­ nection of last Anecdote), 160 Direct and Inverse Proportion, 162 Importance of Correct Pronunciation, 172 Discretion in taking Medicine, 162 Importance (Self) of the Old Corporation, Doctor John Barrett (F.T.C.D.): A Col­ 72 lege Recluse, 116 Ireland Before the War (1691), 6 . A Brace of Bulls in College, 117 Irish Bulls conducting English ones into and the Ha'porth of Milk, 116 wrong Pastures, 175 and the Maynooth Professor, 119 Irish Pronunciation, 5 - • • A Sweep and a Doctor rolled into *' It wasn't the Drink : 'twas the Salmon," One, 117 264 • Famous Latin Pun of, 118 • How the Doctor received the King (Geo. IV.}, 118 Domestic Economy among the Rapparees, Jemmy O'Brien under the Screw, 128 8 The End of a Public Man, 127 Doughty John Dunton, in Dublin, 28 Judge Henn's Embarrassment, 74 Duelling Extraordinary, 83 Judges with the Court to Themselves, 93 INDEX, 191

K, O, O'Connell, a Cause gained by a Danish Kane O'Hara, 48 Vocabulary, i4r Killing with Kindness (Grattan hurt by A Counsellor enlightened by a Cow- his Supporters), 155 stealer, 140 King Mob, 129 ^— A Hard Won and Useless Victory (ob­ King William on Horseback, 149 tained over Biddy Moriarty), 142 A Lying and Treacherous Face, 146 A Man about to sink saved by a Straw, 143 and Counsellor West Comparing Lillibullero, 21 Heads, 146 Lord Clare's Funeral, 77 A Prayer of the Wicked, 142 Lord Clonmel and the Olympic Pig-Hunt, A True Alibi, 139 93 Fearlessness in a Just Cause, 143 A Judge (Clonmel) called on as a Good Memory necessary to a Liar, Witness, 94 145 A Lord (Clonmel) far outdone by a Great Cry and Little Wool (a Titht Barber, 96 Romance), 147 Opposite, but not Friendly Neigh­ • Inconveniences of Popularity, 147 bours (Lady Clonmel and Lady Life in Death, 143 Barrington), 95 Proving too Much, 141 Lord Galmoy and his Brother, 13 Self-interest Interferes with Slaughter Lord Norbury, Judge and Counsel in 148 One, no Thespis and Bacchus, False Friends • (Pepper and Pepper-Caster), 144 180 Piety of, 108 The Wrong Man in the Right Place Prize Pun of, 109 140 Short and Simple Methods of, 108 Tickled to Death, 147 Lord Plunket, 154 Old Dublin during the Dark Hours, 133 Lord Townshend, 88 Old Stephen's Green, 130 Lottery Luck, 102 Our Last Sight of James (II.), 11 Lucas's Coffee House and its Frequenters, Ovid in Fingal and Tipperary, 12 SI M, Patrick Sarsfield, Earl of LUcan, 16 Macklin, christened MacLaughlin, 173 Potatoes and Pistols, 139 MacLaughlin ends in Macklin, 173 Avery CheapTime-piece(an Anecdotf . " This is the Jew that Shakespeare connected with the last), 138 Drew," 176 MacNally and the " Kind Gallows," 84 Major Sirr in his Decline, 131 Major Spread's Mode of Paying Tax, 137 A Himt (followed by him) in Dublin Redmond O'Hanlon and the Pedlar, 22 Streets, 136 How Redmond Despoiled the Sol Manus the Gold-finder, 27 diers, 23 Mercy recompensed (an Incident of '98), Redmond O'Hanlon meets his Match 107 23 Mirrors versus Grimaces (an Accident to Respect to a Slain Foeman (Jacobite Wars) Robert j ephson, the Poet), 89 18 Mistress Margaret Woffington's Dibut, Robin Adair, 31 177 More Words on the " Drop of Drink," 139 Morris Quill: some of his Humours, 169 Death before Neglect of Duty, 171 St. Ruth's Bullet, 19 Dr. Q.'s Dangerous Secret, 170 Schonberg's Oration to the Inniskilleners Mickey Free, a Fool to Dr. Quill's ID Orderly, 171 Self-knowledge dangerous at Times, 79 Sheridan ; Loose Threads taken up, 132 Personation in Liquor, 113 N. Sir Boyle Roche ; a Few of his Best, 68 Some Bovine Remarks (probably no National Traits, 167 Sir Boyle's), 70 192 INDEX. Sir Hercules Langrishe oyer his Wine, 112 Theophilus Swift; One too Many m a Room His Odious Comparisons, iir (an Anecdote of his Imprisonment), 115 Sir Jonah patronizes Judge Johnson, 76 The Poet Laureate of the Irish Bar, JNed —— The Way he took to France, 96 Lysaght, 103 Sir Teague O'Regan and his War Horse, 9 The Polite Lord Chesterfield, 87 Settles a Knotty Point of Controversy, The Quintessence of Covetousness (Hely 10 Hutchinson), loi Sir Teague once more, 21 The Scolding Sisters, 28 Sir Toby Butler, 37 The Sorrows of Gentility, 168 Six and Eight Pence, 123 Tom Doggett and his Badge, 173 " Snuffed out by an Article," 178 Tom Moore's Early Acting, 173 Speaking in Cypher, 167 Moore at the Kilkenny Theatricals, Strange Taste in an Archbishop, 168 174 Tottenham in his Boots, 53 Two Professors of the Long-bow (Sir T. Richard Musgrave and Sir John Stuart Hamilton), 68 Taking a Patthern, 163 The Big Man of Clare, 120 The Bull and the Bank Notes, 161 u. The Captain of the Bull-ring, 30 The Clown who engrossed all the Good Unpleasant Results of a Debauch, 66 Things to Himself, 49 Unpopular with Friends and Foes, 172 " The Deil's m tHell—or Dublin City," 57 W. The Difference between a Poet and a Gen­ tleman, 155 Water Sold at a High Price, 133 The Dog of Aughrim, 20 Way-side Hospitality, 8 The Duchess of Rutland, 91 " Where was the Penny to Pay the Post" The Duke of Rutland, 90 (Thackeray) ? 165 The First Performance of " She Stoops to "Why can't you Count?"—"Because I Conquer," 178 can't Read," 164 The Great John Whalley, Doctor of Some­ Women's Dreams never attended to, 135 thing or Other, 30 The Kite and the Wind, 104 The Lord Mayor of Dublin mystified, 131 Y. The Moon's Superiority to the Sun, 162 Theophilus Swift; the Quintessence of ' You Carry Csesar (Colclough) and his Loyalty, 113 Saddle-bags," 127 His Remarks on the Married and — Some Trifles of Csesar's Laureate Single Fellows, T.C.D., 114 (Charles Kendal Bushe), 127

THE END,

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By VARIOUS AUTHORS, Robinson Crusoe. Artemus Ward, his Book, Uncle Tom's Cabin. Mrs. Stowe. A. Ward among the Mormons, Colleen Bawn, Gerald Griffin. The Nasby Papers, The Vicar of Wakefield, Major Jack Downing. Sketch Book, Washington h~ving, The Biglow Papers, Tristram Shandy, Sterne, Orpheus C, Kerr. Sentimental Journey. Sterne. The Wide, Wide World. The English Opium Eater. Queechy, De Quincy. Gulliver's Travels, Essays of Elia, Charles Lamb, The Wandering Jew, (3 vols.) Roderick Random. Smollett. The Mysteries of Paris, (3 vols.) Autocrat of the Breakfast Table, The Lamplighter. Tom Jones, 2 vols. Fielding, Professor at the Breakfast Table,

Published by George Routledge and Sons. HOUTLEDGE'S RAfLWAY LIBRABY, From the "Times," %i Among the inost surprising instances of the immense revolution which has aken place of late years in popular literature, are the cheap publications of yo.'i-.rs. RouTt.EDGE AND SoNS, of the Broadwa}', For several years they have >et'( 'S3iiinjj 'I.e " " .:LWAY LIBRARY," and have shown an energy and enterprise n many isekls of literature almost unparalleled in this country. We believe the Creat success which they have met with h^ arisen from the universally popular ;haracter of the works which they have issued. Their books are never above and lever below the standard of public taste Looking over their list of books, we »nnot but wish the " RAILWAY LIBRARY " a continuation of the immense sale /hich has hitherto attended it,

THIS SERIES, CONSISTING OF NEARLY 600 NOVELS, At Is, and 2s. each, Contains the best Works of Fiction by the following popular Auhors:— fLORD LYTTON EDMUND YATES I JAMES GRANT JOHN BANIM ALBERT SivIITH JANE PORTER |HENRY COCKTON THE BROTHERS MAYHEW IT. SMOLLETT JOHN LANG i-W. H. M.AXWELL HESBA STRETTON ^'S, RICHARDSON EUGENE SUE JANE 'AL^STEN CHARLES LEVER W, CARLETON FRANK SMEDLEY L STF.I'.N •". ALEXANDRE DUMAS ?JISS FERRIER H. FIELDING MARK TWAIN MRS. GORE '8RET HARTE G.P, R. JAMES ;TH0MAS HOOD J. F- COOPER I CAPTAIN CHAMIER N. HAWTHORNE .AMELIA B. EDWARDS MRS. TROLUDPE llERALU GRIFFIN FREDERICK GERSTAECKER •»V. H, G. KINGSTON CAPTAIN ARMSTRONG CAPTAIN MARRYAT LADY SCOTT M"1SS WETHERELL ^ BALZAC AUTHOR OF'WHITEFRIARS' G. R. GLEIG kRS. CROV/E JUDGE HALIP.URTON fTHEOD'JRE HOOK JAMES HANNAY m. HARRISON AINSWORTH ANNIE THOMAS MARIA EDGEWORTH M. M. BELL \ SAMUEL LOVER LADY CHARLOTTE BURY AND OTHERS. LONDON : THE BROADWAY, LUDGATE HILL. NEW YORK: 416, BROOlVfE STREET.