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OF

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

EDITED BY PATRICK KENNEDY,

AUTHOR OF " THE FIRESIDE AND BARDIC STORIES OF IRELAND," " THE BANKS OF THE BORO," " EVENINGS IN THE DUFFREY," ETC. ETC.

" By Mahomet," said Sultan Solyman, " That ragged fellow is my very man." Sir Walter Scott.

LONDON: GEORGE ROUTLEDGE AND SONS, THE BROADWAY, LUDGATE.

NEW YORK; 416, BROOME STREET: LONDON

BRADBURY, EVANS, AND CO., PRINTERS, WH1TEFRIARS. PREFACE.

The numerous collections of this kind extant, each heralded

by its preface, have agreeably removed from the present com- piler any obligation of bespeaking his readers' favour by an

elaborate introduction. Like its predecessors, this Irish medley has no higher ambition than that of agreeably

occupying a leisure hour during quiet evenings at home, or

periods of forced inaction in steamboat or railway carriage.

If, when read out in a family circle, it interests and amuses

its young and old hearers, the editor's self-complacency will

be still further augmented.

The English and Scotch and the present Irish compilation,

taken in combination with each other, must contribute to some extent in drawing the social bonds which unite the three

peoples still closer. Every one of the compilers has had at

heart to bring forward the more estimable qualities of his

subjects, their ludicrous faults and failings serving merely as

a shady background to enhance the brighter tints of the picture.

It has entered into the present writer's design to draw the

attention of his readers to the principal events in the history . of his country since the revolution of 1691, and to refresh iv PREFACE. the portraits of the most remarkable characters who, well or ill, played out their allotted parts during the same period.

The little prefatorial speech being now spoken, nothing remains to be done but to refer to the chief works from which materials have been borrowed. These are—Doctor R. R. " ;" Madden's History of Irish Periodical Literature Mr. W. J.

Fitzpatrick's " Sham Squire," and its sequel, " Ireland before the Union;" Mr. |J. T. Gilbert's " Streets of Dublin," from " " " the Irish Quarterly Review ; Sir Jonah Barrington's Per- sonal Recollections;" Papers by Mr. P. J. Murray in the ; " Irish Quarterly Review " " Recollections of Ireland," by

Mr. M.; and the "Bar Life of O'Connell," by Mr. J. R. O'Flanagan; and " Ireland Sixty Years Ago," by the late Rt. Hon. Edward Walsh, Master of the Rolls. —

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

the victory for him, and being IRISH PRONUNCIA TION. asked what he wished to be

done for himself, he answered : The Irish of our day complain " I wish to be made a justice o' of the treatment of their pro- de pashe agra."— " But Teague, nunciation byAmerican and Eng- you would not be fit for the lish writers, who remorselessly place."—" Oh fait, I will sho. I drag such words as ftraste, thafe, can make my mark, and take de and paither out of their mouths oats (oaths). I vill be a very to their great disgust. It is pro- honesht man meshelf, and keep bable that they were no better a great rogue for a clerk." In a off in the end of the seventeenth modern farce Teague would have century. Their own countryman, to say kape. poor George Farquhar (1678— N.B.—No Irish peasant mis- 1707), could afford no better pronounces ie or ee. pronunciation nor phraseology to Teague in the " Twin Rivals"

than the following : JAMES II. AT THE BOYNE. " Yesh agra, I'm a great thra- veller. I did visit France and THE last monarch of the Shpain agra. I did kish de Stuart line is scarcely a greater

Pope's toe : dat 'ill excuse all de favourite with Irish Catholics sins I commit in dis life, and fen than with English Protestants. I'm dead Shaint Patrick 'ill Our peasantry can afford him excuse de rest." no more respectable title than Teague is suborned to swear Shamus a choka. (Natives of that his own master is the England will do well in not at- younger of two brothers, but tempting to pronounce this last when the trial comes on, and he word, nor seek after its mean- sees him grieved and surprised ing.) The poor king has been at his treachery, he acknow- wrongly suspected of cowardice ledges before the Court that he by both parties. He was pos- has received a bribe, which he sessed both of personal courage offers to share with his dear and military capacity, but Eng- master. Having, by his good- lishmen lay nearer to his heart natured blundering, obtained than Irishmen, and he could set " — —

MODERA IRISH ANECDOTES. no more than half his abilities let these mere Irish depart with- at work when in command out some punishment. The Wil- against his British subjects, liamite Chaplain, Story, thus rebels as they were. We will relates the circumstances : not vouch for the truth of the "They (the Iniskilliners) stript following tradition, still told at most part of the women, and the hearths of the peasantry, forced a great many arms from and illustrative of the inclina- the men, and took it very ill tions of the chief, who, when he that the duke did not order them saw at one point of the battle all to be put to death, notwith- the foreigners retreating before standing the articles. But he the natives, cried out, " Oh spare knew better things, and so rude my English subjects!" Now were the Irish Scots, that the for the tradition. duke was forced to ride in Burke, the cannonier, catch- among them with his pistol in ing a sight of William on the his hand to keep the Irish from rising ground beyond the river, being murdered. The poor Irish adjusted his piece, so as to put were thus obliged to fly to the him out of all worldly care and soldiers for protection." pain, and cried out to King Schonberg, not being able to James, who was standing near, force the passes beyond Dun- 11 I'm going to present your Ma- dalk, was obliged to form a jesty with three crowns. I have camp, and winter in its neigh- William covered." — "Oh, you bourhood, and wretched winter- " wretch ! answered James, strik- quarters his army experienced. ing the cannon angrily with his Three Dutch soldiers incau- cane, " would you make my tiously straying beyond their daughter a widow ! " Burke was lines were taken prisoners, and anything but pleased with the brought before King James. He royal speech. "D a shot," questioned them, and finding he muttered to himself, " will I that they belonged to a captain ever fire for you again after this who had been very kind to him- battle, Shamus a choka ! self when in discomfort at Ro- chester, he gave them money, GOOD POINTS IN and dismissed them, with kind THE CHA- respects to their chief. RACTERS OF JAMES, WIL- When William was proceed- LIAM, AND SCHONBERG. ing to Limerick from Dublin, after the hard-won victory of the The brave old Dutch com- Boyne, he exerted himself in as mander, landing in the north of praiseworthy a manner as did the Ireland, invested Carrickfergus, duke to preserve the inoffensive and after some hot Avork, garri- country people from ill-treat- son and citizens were permitted ment on the part of the soldiers, to quit the fortress, and proceed Thus writes Story : to Newry. The Inniskilliners, " Little hapned remarkable however, were not disposed to except the king's great care to — "

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. keep the souldiers from plun- brought only three halfpence, dering, and every night was while a groat secured a fat lamb given out in orders that on pain or fat kid. Other eatables were of death no man should go be- proportionably cheap, even al- yond the lines in the camp, or lowing for the superior value of take violently to the least value money one hundred and seventy from Protestant or Papist. The years since. nth the army marched to Kit " The English Protestant Kullcii bridge. The king, this scarcely liked the native " hu- morning passing by the Ness mans" as well as he did their

(Naas,in Irishj-Afos^a gathering), cattle, fowl, and game ; still he saw a souldier robbing a poor honestly described things as woman, which enraged his Ma- they appeared to him. Here is jesty so much that he beat him a portion of his varied picture. with his cane, and gave orders " The meer Irish are not near that he and others guilty of the so wild and barbarous as gene- like disobedience should be exe- rally represented, but are as cuted on the Monday following." lusty, full, well-set, comely, hand- some, fair and clear skinned as

the English ; mighty hospitable IRELAND BEFORE THE and kind-hearted to strangers, WAR. so that if any comes where they are eating they will take it very Wonderfully recuperative unkindly if he do not eat with qualitiesmust our Island possess. them; ay, and travellers shall Notwithstanding the ravages in- have better entertainment gratis flicted on the country during the than they can afford themselves. parliamentary wars, the author For though the country be thus of " Ireland's Lamentation by an extream plentiful, the common- English Protestant "stated that, alty among the Irish fare very just previous to the Williamite hard, and live mostly upon po- struggles, tatoes, parsnips, cabbidg, beans, " Money was as plentiful, and pease, barley, and oat-bread, with much more ease obtained sour thick milk or butter milk, than in England. So that an and, unless on festival days, ordinary farmer or tradesman rarely eat a bit of flesh, butter, keeps a better house, and lives eggs, or cheese. They are very more plentiful than those of four nasty and sluttish, prefer strong or five hundred a year can do in butter and sowr milk before England." sweet, scarce ever wear shifts or By this observant English shirts, or lodge otherwise than Protestant we learn that a good- on straw or rushes on the sized salmon might then be ground, with their cows, calves, bought for a penny or two, swine, or sheep, made fast at

forty-five eggs for a penny, a fat the bed's head (!), or at the least goose for threepence, and a fat only a little partition of wattles turkey for sixpence. A fat hen between. Use no sheets, turn- — — MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

ble all together, only the hus- pay a thirteen" (English shil- band between other men and ling).—" If that be the case I their wives (his wife), and the may as well have something for wife between other women and my money." Room was made their husbands" (her husband, for him, and a knife (for the as we suppose). butter) laid before him. He Our observer remarked that imitated the mode of proceeding a prophecy was current among round him pretty much to his the people, that a day would own satisfaction, joined in the come when they would be found conversation as well as he could, weeping and lamenting over the admired the natural politeness graves of the Protestants. We of the people, and, when " thirst have heard the —same prophecy and hunger ceased," took out a thus modified : " When the bright shilling and laid it beside l'rotestants will be all dead and his plate. " Ah, sir, what's that "— gone, the Catholics will be seen for ? " For my dinner : you carrying home with them the mentioned that price." A Ho- clay from their graves." Since meric peal of laughter involun- the Boyne and Aughrim we tarily rose from the entire fa- have lost something : but neither mily, but it was checked when our hospitality nor our humour. they looked on the confusion in We have the following in- the face of their guest. The stance from good authority : hearty goodnature shining on every countenance and the hearty shaking of hands which fol- WAY-SIDE HOSPITALITY. lowed, soon set the stranger at ease, and when he resumed his About sixty years since, an journey he left a part of his English traveller was proceed- heart behind. ing on foot from Bunclody to New Ross. He entered a cabin near Ballinvegga to make some DOMESTIC ECONOMY incidental inquiry, and found AMONG THE RAPPAREES. the family at their dinner of po- tatoes, butter, and milk. While These were the unfortunate proposing his question he could adherents of the national and not help admiring the size of Royal cause, who found them- the potato heap, and the absence selves outlawed at the conclusion of a containing dish. The an- of the Cromwellian wars, and swer was courteously given, ac- obliged to resort to the strong companied by a request to take hand to keep the life in them. a seat and join the dining party. The contemporary writer of " I am not hungry," said the "The True Narrative" thus " traveller ; pray excuse me." spoke of their mode of adapt- —" Oh, be the laws," said the ing their consciences to their man of the house, " you may as needs : well. Eat or not, you'll have to " These rogues could dispense MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

with their inviolable Lent fast, he shall not have the town at so that they did eat nothing but all." The Duke smiled, and what they call protestant beef said he hoped to make him and mutton. They would not more angry in a short time. kill a beef or a mutton before At last, obliged by fate and they had called a formal jury on famine, the choleric commander him, and tried him for heresie. demanded honourable terms, If a party brought in any small and readily obtained them from Irish cattel that had no brand, Schonberg, and a sad contrast and they guessed belonged to was presented by the ragged, an Irishman, the beasts were famished loyalists to the well- dismissed, but the delinquents clothed, well-fed Dutch, and that brought them in were fined, German, and French soldiers, and obliged to satisfy the so- who replaced them. There were ciety in stolen cattel. But if the snobs before the days of the beasts were found to be branded lamented William Makepeace and in good case, as those that Thackeray. The Brandenburgh belonged to the English way of colonel happening to belong to husbandry commonly were, they that contemptible class, ex- were condemned for hereticks, claimed, on catching a sight of and immediately slaughtered. the famished warriors, " Mein A poor Englishman that I very Gott, how it shames me to have well knew, who had but one to come to fight against such beef, found her tied up with a scoundrels I" Very different rope in one of his neighbours' from this snob was his brave houses, the jury about her, and and considerate general, Duke the judge pronouncing sen- Schonberg, who highly esteemed tence." the eccentric Sir Thigue for his loyal and soldierly character. He came to give friendly greet- SIR TEA GUE O'REGA N AND ing to the chief of the liberated HIS WAR HORSE. garrison on the departure of himself and his men, and the The fortress of Charlemont Rev. Mr. Story shall inform us was the last of the Northern of the ludicrous particulars of strongholds to surrender to the interview. Schonberg. The fiery Sir " Besides the souldiers they Thigue (Thaddeus) in command also had about 200 Irish women of the garrison, obstinately held and children, who stood in a out till all were nearly starved. body by themselves between the Sir Thigue's good breeding was two battalions. Old Teague the not on a par with his valour. governor was mounted on an His answer to a polite summons old stallion, and he very lame of surrender was given in these with scratches, &c. &c. &c, and rough terms : — " Tell your master other infirmities, but withal so from Sir Teague O'Regan, that vitious that he would fall a kick- he's an old knave, and (an oath) ing and squeeling if any one MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

came near him. Teague him- magh, and given them provision self had a great bunch upon his for their march to Dundalk, took back, a plain red coat, a weather- a friendly farewell of them. beaten wig hanging down at full While Sir Thigue* was taking length, a little narrow white dinner with the officers one of beaver cocked up, a yellow cra- his subordinates entered, and vat string, but that all on one rather disturbed the harmony of side, his boots with a thousand the entertainment by his news.

wrinkles in them ; and though It seems that on the march, Sir it was a very hot day, yet he Thigue's chaplain had glided into had a great muff hanging about a controversy with an English him. dragoon, and as neither party " Thus mounted and equipped saw a near prospect of effecting he approached the Duke with a a conversion with the tongue, compliment, but his horse would appeal was made with mutual not allow him to make it a long consent to the fists. At this one, for he fell to work presently, exercise the soldier, as any one and the Duke had scarce time could foretell, had the advan- to make him a civil return. The tage, and the object of the Duke then reviewed the Irish visitor was to induce Sir Thigue battalions, who all, both officers to get the victor punished. " Tell and souldiers, after they had the chaplain," said the com- made him a great many legs, mander, " that this is a case in stared upon him as if they knew which I cannot interfere. All I not whether he Avas a man or can do is to strongly advise him some strange creature. never to quarrel again with a " The Duke seeing so many dragoon." women and children, asked the reason of keeping such a num- SCHONBERG'S ORATION TO ber in the garrison, which no THE INNISKILLINERS. doubt destroyed their provisions. He was answered that the Irish The brave Dutch Dalgetty were very hospitable, and that looked on the female element in they all fared alike, but the the Charlemont garrison with greatest reason was, that the considerable contempt, but if we souldiers would not stay in the are to trust to the veracity of the garrison without their Avives. lamented Banim in his The Duke replied, there was John Historical Romance of " The more love than policy in it." Boyne Water," it roused his anger when he found his allies, SIR TEAGUE SETTLES A the Inniskilliners, not exempt KNOTTY POINT OF CON- TROVERSY. * The reader is requested to excuse the variety of spelling in the commander's name. By English writers the name is Schonberg's people having spelled Teague, but by the natives the word is invariably pronounced Thigue. seen the Irish force safe to Ar- The correct spelling is Tadg. " .

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

from the national weakness. in the county of Kerry, where he Thus he scolded his valiant but eateth grass, and lappeth water badly accoutred friends. with some use of reason, but not " Mein Heafen, here is much of speech, and shall be caught more of the Irishers hot tempers ! up at last by hunters and their

Basta ! I have nefer met such hounds, and so brought home. tings in any service mit your But this story is a little too light Frenchmans, your Portugueses, for so great an author as Cam- your Brandenbergians, your En- den, though he only relates it as glishmans, or your Dutchmans. a foolish fancy."

Sacra, nefer ! you one Inniskil- The original legend was in lingers, you ride here to join us this form. When Fionn Mac on your fery big lean cats, and Cumhail and his men were con- all de wild fat womans of Ireland tending at Fiontra (Fair Strand, at your backs to eat up our food Ventry harbour) against the or to thief it. You cry in great King of the World (Roman Em- spirits indeed, ' Send us always peror) and his allies, Gall a on de forlorn of de army,' and northern prince coming to give den you cry again, ' Oh, we can his help against the invaders, never do any good now no more fought with such fury that he indeed, for we are put under was seized with madness, fled orders.' from the battle field, and plunged Having got rid of his momen- into the solitude of Gleann na tary anger by giving it an air- n-gealt (the Glen of the insane) ing, he paid the scoldees some Since then every Irish person well deserved compliments on affected by insanity must pay a their bravery, endurance, &c. visit to this vale of woe once in his life. So strong a hold has this A TRANSPLANTED belief on the inhabitants of LEGEND. Munster, that numbers of in- stances have been remarked, of Story took occasion from the persons in the early stages of shouting of the Irish when Wil- the malady, leaving their homes liam's arm was struck by the and finding their way to the cannon ball, to explain their weird valley. love of making an outcry when going to battle. " I have often observed the OUR LAST SIGHT OF Irish very fond of shouting and JAMES. hallowing before an engagement, and there is a tradition among One of the causes which have them that whoever does not left an unfriendly feeling in the shout and huzza as the rest do in hearts of the Irish to James is a battel, he is suddenly caught up tradition (probably incorrect) of from the ground into the air, a short conversation between and so into a certain desart vale himself and the Duchess of Tyr- "

12 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. connell on his return to Dublin previously to his taking final

Castle after the defeat at the leave of the Irish capital. . . " Boyne. " Madam," said he, I At last he • entered the apart- congratulate you on the swift- ment. ness of your countrymen in a " There was that in the fallen retreat."— " Your Majesty," an- condition of the King, in the swered the indignant lady, " de- very magnitude of his misfor- serves a higher compliment, for tunes, which lent a mournful you have outstripped the fleetest dignity to his presence, and of them." James would have which, in spite of the petulance hardly given utterance to that which occasionally broke from ill-natured remark on those who him, impressed the few disap- had exhibited such loyalty to pointed and well-nigh ruined him. They had disputed the followers of his cause, who stood battle-field foot by foot, though before him, with feelings of me- the ordinary rank and file were lancholy respect. " for the most part ill-disciplined ' Gentlemen,' said the King recruits, and were contending after a brief pause, ' it hath against well-trained mercena- pleased the Almighty Disposer ries. Besides, the retreat was a of events to give the victory to very leisurely one, and so effec- our enemies. They will be in tively covered by Lauzun's ar- possession of this city before tillery that the pursuers followed many days are passed. Mat- but a very short distance from ters being so, we must needs the battle field. James's own shift for ourselves as best we mismanagement with regard to may. Above all we do com- the cannon, and the forced inac- mand you, we do implore of tion of Sarsfield were, humanly you, gentlemen, in your several speaking, the chief causes of the stations, and principally you, defeat. Colonel Luttrell, as governor of

The eminent writer, J. Sheri- this our city, to prevent all un- dan Le Fanu, Esq., little partial due severity, all angry reprisals, as he is to James or his cause, all violences upon the suspected thus bears testimony to his con- within its walls. We do earn- scientiousness, the occasion be- estly entreat of you all to re- ing his final departure from member that this is our city, and Dublin Castle. (See Torloch they our subjects. Protect it O'Brien.) and them as long as it shall " In the cold grey of the seem wise to occupy this town morning it were hard to imagine for us. This is our last com- a more dreary or less inviting mand, our parting request. ' spectacle than this group of loyalists presented. While they were waiting thus, James, a man OVID IN FINGAI AND of punctuality to the last, was TIPPERAR Y. employed in paying and dis- charging his menial servants, The attentive historian of the — MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. Jacobite wars, proceeding with BARONY FORTH MEMO- the army from Drogheda to Dublin, picked up the following RABILIA. precious bit of information con- The Barony of Forth, in cerning the Fingallians, viz., the Wexford, occupies most of the dwellers adjoining the coast : tract bordering on the southern " The country hereabouts is, coast. Our graphic historian most of it all, inhabited by Old found room in his narrative for English, and is called Fingal, this slight sketch of its inhabi- that is, a ' Nation of Foreign- tants. | " ! ers.' It's scarce worth relating Hereabouts were the first what is writ in the Irish annals, English planted in Ireland. S of a this place, west- | countryman nigh They were a colony of that, in the retain their | year 1341, found a countrymen, and pair of gloves, in drawing on of old English tone and customs which he barked like a dog, and to this day. I am credibly in- from that time the elders in that formed that every day, about country barked like big dogs, one or two o'clock in summer, and the young ones like whelps, they go to bed, the whole this I and continued with some country round. Nay the very for eighteen days, with others a hens fly up, and the sheep go to month, and with some for two fold as orderly as if it were years, and entered also into night." several other places. And they The men and women really : tell you likewise of the men of indulged in the siesta, but in

! Tipperary being turned into our opinion the hens and sheep wolves at a certain time of the were calumniated. " The Ba- j year. But these are trifles, for ronies," as they are termed by they are commonly dogs or the rest of the county, continue wolves in their nature, but not to this day a pious, industrious, otherwise." and primitive people. They If the chaplain could have raise beans in abundance, use

i foreseen that the descendants of the dry stalks for fuel, and con-

: the English settlers in Tipperary tinue to enjoy the nickname j and the city of Cork (in former of Beany-Bags. Using better days the most un-Irish city in food and oftener than their the kingdom) would turn out to neighbours, these last accuse be the most disaffected to En- them of gluttonously indulging j glish rule of all the people in in five meals per diem. During the empire, it would i have ren- the past century and the early dered his life miserable. He part of the present, no Forth- made a natural mistake con- man would venture on the

! cerning the Fingallians, who are perilous journey to Dublin. The the descendants of Scandinavian ice was at last broken by a settlers, the Finn Gaill or worthy man to whom a legacy I White Foreigners." was bequeathed, but a journey to the capital was indispensable — — 14 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. before possession of the bequest. a report suddenly spread abroad Sundry family councils were in the North that the Papists held, and orations made in would rise on the 9th of the cur- favour of the journey and against rent month (December, 1688), it before the resolve to try the and massacre the Protestants awful adventure was adopted. throughout the kingdom. An So prayers were offered up for impression prevailed among the the weal of the daring man in Roman Catholics of Dublin and all the neighbouring churches its vicinity at the same time and chapels for a month, and that the Protestants were intent then the journey was begun. In on a general onslaught on them- the absence of all further in- selves. Earl Mount Alexander formation on the subject, let us got a warning printed, and dis hope that the prize was won, patched copies to Dublin. These and the return safely effected, arrived on Friday, 7th instant, and the next nine days enlivened the next Sunday being the day by the recital of the venture appointed for the slaughter. into unknown territories, and Three thousand Protestants all the comments for which they taking the alarm hastened to furnished a text. In ridicule of get on board the ships in the the luxurious living of the men bay, the mere Irish congratu- and women of Forth, the fol- lating themselves on the unex- lowing tradition is preserved in pected movements of their ill- the barony of Scarawalsh and willers. However, the Catholic the remaining seven of the Lord-Deputy (Tyrconnel) being county, Forth and Bargy ex- informed of the panic and flight, cepted. dispatched the Earls of Ros- In the retreat after the Battle common and Longford after the of Foulkes's Mill in 1798, a florid fugitives, and persuaded them young man from the barony was to land and return to their observed to be weeping bitterly. homes. He dispatched his own " What are you crying for, you yacht after one or two vessels big slob ? " said one of his com- that had got under way, and rades in ill-luck. "Is it afeard succeeded in bringing them "— you are ? " I'm not a bit af back. This occurred on Sun- af— af— afeared no more than day morning. The news of the yourself, but I didn't get a bit sham plot did not reach some to eat for the last four hours." localities till the people were assembled at prayers, and Story A CAUSELESS MUTUAL thus described the result : " FRIGHT. They were struck with such sudden apprehension of imme- In times of peace people can- diate destruction, that the doors not be too earnest in their not allowing quick passage prayers that they may be spared enough, by reason of the crowd, the horrors of civil strife. Be- abundance of persons made fore the breaking out of the war, their escapes out of the windows, ] ! —; MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 15 — and in the greatest fright and you, and hang you up." " Very disorder that can be represented, properly remarked," said the un- the men leaving their hats and feeling master, showing his face one of the large periwigs behind them ; some of from behind them had their cloaths torn to trees. " If he is a thief, hanging— pieces, others were trampled is the only cure for him." " Oh, under foot, and the women in sir, honey ! " cried the affrighted " the much worse condition than the mother, I was only joking ; child is as honest as the sun." " So you say now to get him off, but that is not your real opinion LORD GALMOY AND HIS he was committing trespass on BROTHER. my property, and hanged he must be," and unless the tradi- Many were the acts of cour- tion is a lying one, hanged the tesy, mercy, and forbearance poor child was, despite the des- exercised by the chiefs on both pair and piercing shrieks of the sides during the continuance of wretched woman. the Williamite war. Some acts of a contrary character are on record, and among the names BRASS MONEY distinguished for cruelty stands Shoes omitted). ( The Wooden out distinctly that of the Jaco- bite Lord Galmoy. In the north- It is morally certain that the west of Wexford, a tradition brass money, which so deter- prevails that a brother of this minedly sticks to the memory nobleman, Sir Walter Butler, of King James, would, if he had owned the estate around Munfm regained power, be all ransomed House, by the Slaney bank, by sterling coin of the realm. about four miles below Bun- Had the distressed monarch a clody. He was as unfeeling as sufficiency of pure gold, silver, his brother, and the following and copper in his possession, he .detestable act of his is still re- would never have insisted on his lated. A poor woman and her lieges giving a half-crown's value son, a child of eight or nine for a brazen article, value (say) years, were passing along the three farthings. However, the road near the fine old manor base metal current in 1689, 1690, house just named, and the lad was the occasion of no small

could not be kept from search- amount of mischief : witness an ing among the bushes and shrubs occurrence related in a pam- of the fence for birds'-nests, or phlet of 1690. some other things so attractive " Colonel Roger Moore, hav- to boyish fancies. His mother ing an incumbrance of ,£3,000 being delayed longer than was •upon the Lord Dillon's estate, agreeable to her, cried out, who is married to the daughter " Come along, you young thief of Lady Tyrconnel, she sent for Maybe Sir Walter Butler will see him, and told him that having 6

1 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. some money at her command, who, under the stage name, and being very desirous of tak- Calcraft, managed the Theatre ing the burthen off her daugh- Royal, Dublin, during the second ter's estate, she was content to quarter of the present century, pay him off in ready money, and largely contributed to Irish provided he would make some dramatic biography in our Na- handsome abatement of the sum tional Magazine. Mr. Cole, for- due. The gentleman being com- merly captain in the Fusiliers, plaisant to the lady, and very was possessed of great literary willing to receive money in such abilities, and was in every re- a time of scarcity, freely con- spect the model of an estimable sented to abate a thousand Irish gentleman. pounds, so the money might be " There are few names more paid down at once. The lady worthy to be inscribed in the seemed very thankful, and ap- roll of honour than that of pointed him to come next day, Patrick Sarsfield, who may be and bring the deeds and obliga- quoted as a type of loyalty and tions with him, and receive the patriotic devotion. In the an- money. Accordingly he came, nals of Irish history he stands and having given a legal release, as a parallel to Pierre du Ter- the lady opened a door, and rail, Chevalier de Bayard, in showed him a long table covered those of France, and may be over with copper and brass equally accounted sans peur et (money), and tendered it for his sans reproche, the fearless and payment, which, whether he re- irreproachable knight, in his jected in passion, or hired a cart public actions, firm and con- to carry it away, I cannot tell." sistent ; in his private character,

amiable, and unblemished. . . . At the end of the war, William PATRICK SARSFIELD, LORD III. would have gladly won his LUCAN. services, and he offered to con- tinue him in his rank and pro- The plan of our publication perty, but he listened to no excludes connected historical or overture, and left his native biographical details, but we country attended by thousands must find room for a few sen- of that gallant body who, under tences on the subject of Sars- the title of ' The Irish Brigade,' field, the most single-minded, filled the continent of Europe upright, and unselfish of all the with their renown." brave men who adhered to the The earliest of the family on fortunes of their king. They record was Thomas Sarsfield, are copied from a biography of standard-bearer to Henry II. the hero {Dublin University Patrick received his military Magazine, November, 1853), by education in a French military a lineal descendant of Sars- college. His earlier grades were field's sister, Mary (Mrs. Ros- ensign in Monmouth's regiment siter), viz., John William Cblej in France, and (subsequently) — — — ; MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. lieutenant in the Royal Guards nary history, and the " Boyne of England. After the treaty of Water" of the lamented John Limerick, he was most cordially Banim. That writer gives these received in Paris by James and lines as a quotation from an old Louis. The titles of colonel of ballad. He himself was equal James's body guards, and lieu- to their composition tenant-general of the French " From Limerick that day bould Sarsfield army, were conferred on him, marched away, and had his life been spared, he Until he came to Cullen, where their ar- would have had a field-marshal's tillery lay. The Lord cleared up the firmament; truncheon. He fought at Steen- the moon and stars shone bright kirk in 1692, and on the 29th of And for the battle of the Boyne he had revenge that night." July, 1693, he died in his har- ness at the great fight of Landen, in the Low Countries. The fol- A WOUNDED TROOPER'S lowing rough quatrain devoted GRA TITUDE. to his memory is still lovingly re- membered among the people : The reader having carefully read over the first siege of "Patrick Sarsfield, Ireland's wonder, Limerick in any honestly-written Fought in the field like any thunder ; One of Ireland's best commanders, history, may relieve his mind He now lies food for the crows of from its terrors and horrors by Flanders." the following amusing incident, The author of " Military Me- told by the Rev. Mr. Story. moirs of the Irish Nation" thus " I cannot omit a pleasant remarks on his personal and adventure that fell out at the military qualities : taking of the fort between a ' As a partisan, and for a de- chaplain in the army and a sultory warfare, he possessed trooper. This chaplain happened

admirable qualifications ; brave, to go down after the fort (at St. patient, vigilant, rapid, and in- John's gate) was taken, and

defatigable ; ardent, adventur- seeing a trooper mortally wound-

ous, and enterprising ; the fore- ed in all appearance, he fancy'd most in encounter, the last in himself obliged to give him his retreat. He harassed his enemy best advice. The other was very by sudden, unexpected, and thankful to him for it, and while generally irresistible attacks, in- they were about the matter spiring his troops with the same comes the Sally. Our horse ardour and contempt of danger came thundring down, at which with which his own soul was the clergyman making haste to animated. No general was ever get out of their way, he stumbled more beloved by his troops." and fell down. The wounded For Sarsfield's ever-memor- trooper seeing him fall, judged able exploit of capturing the he had been kill'd, and stept to great battering train at Bally- him immediately to strip him, needy, and blowing it up, we and in a trice had got his coat must refer the reader to ordi- off on one side. The other C " iS MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

call'd to him to hold, and ask'd but proffer'd to bury him honour- him what he meant. ' Sir/ (says ably, which they did, allowing the other) ' I beg your pardon, his own drum to beat the Dead for I believed you were kill'd, March before him, and them- and there I thought myself selves fired three volleys at his obliged to take care of your grave, acknowledging at his clothes as well "as vou did of my death some former civilities from soul.' him This officer was well and at liberty at nine o'clock RESPECT TO A SLAIN in the morning, but before twelve FOEMAN. he was not only in the power but buried by his enemies, and that BEFORE the concluding ope- with great formality. And a rations at Athlone, Aughrim,and man that is at the pains of Limerick, sundry skirmishes and describing other people's actions attacks on petty fortresses oc- may be allowed the liberty to curred. In one of these the leave one page to the memory of writer, who has left so minute a his own brother." record of what he witnessed, lost his brother, Cornet Story. GENERAL GINCKELES DIS- The sad event is worth record- ORDERL V HOUSEHOLD. ing as giving evidence of that courtesy shown to each other by Among the WiUiamite chiefs the regular forces on each side, De Ginckell, afterwards Baron and sometimes where the Rap- Athlone, is noticeable for his parees were concerned. great capacity, moderation, and " June i, 1 69 1, two Rapparee prudence. While proceeding Captains, Grace and Hogan, westwards to the capture of Ath- Avith eighty men, surprise Cam- lone, he had much trouble with gart near Birr. . . Ensign his force, which was apparently Story, thinking to prevent the in a sadly demoralised condition. burning of it, goes thither with He insisted on the chaplain of all speed with a party of thirty every regiment reading prayers men. . . Being got too nigh before his men at ten in the the works, a woman carrying morning and seven in the even- water to a cabbin made a sign ing, and particularly to exhort that the enemy was within, which them to renounce the crime of occasioned the ensign to stop,' swearing. Stealing appears to at which they fired a volley upon have been a soldierly vice among him, killing himself and one of the men, but it was put out of his men. The party could not fashion for a time by the promo- bring off the ensign's body, tion of a horse-stealer to the being so near the castle. . . . gibbet. The subjoined order The other officer in Corolante issued by the General indicated sent back a drum for Ensign a rather low tone of morality Story's body, which the Irish among the rank and file. made some scruple to deliver, " No sutler, or other person MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 19

whatever, shall buy any ammu- Ruth, but he gets no credit for nition, arms, or accoutrements, his military abilities. or any thing that belong to the The loss of the battle of soldiers on pain of death." The Aughrim may be attributed to reasons for this strict order were more than one cause. A por- then given, namely that the men tion of the Irish defending a would sell their clothes or shoes pass applying for ammunition, for a trifling sum, and if they bullets of too large a size for the were not looked after as care- calibre of their pieces were sup- fully as children, they would soon plied, and the enemy passed be in a wretched condition. before them unmolested. Lut- trell had received orders to con- duct a detachment of the rear HOW AUGHR1M WAS LOST. line of the Irish to the right of the ground, but through mis- Towards the middle of last understanding or treachery he century, a certain Richard Ash- marched off the front line and ton wrote" the rhymed tragedy of left an opening to the enemy. " The Battle of Aughrim," and, Sarsfield was stationed with a as peasant authorities maintain, reserve at the back of the hill had it acted once. But the tra- without being made acquainted dition goes that the Jacobite with St. Ruth's general plan, and Williamite gentlemen in the and remained ignorant of that pit were so excited by the mimic commanders death for a time warfare on the stage that they sufficient for the introduction of drew their swords and attacked such disorder as he found out of each other. The amount of lost his power to repair. Whoever lives is not stated, but as was wishes for the details of one of right and natural, the Govern- the best contested fights on one ment of the day forbade any side and the other, which have other representation. Although occurred in modern times, may the author's feelings were de- profitably study O'Callaghan's cidedly on the side of De Green Book, or " The Fortunes Ginckell and his men, there was of Colonel Torloch O'Brien," by such goodwill shown to Sars- Mr. Le Fanu. field,—and his loyalty, courage, and humanity were so well ST. RUTH'S BULLET. brought out, that the printed piece has continued a popular In the Green Book is pre- folks-book among the Irish po- served a tradition of what in- pulace for upwards of a century, directly led to the death of the and may still be obtained on French commander. This is the Dublin standings in yellow paper substance. cover at threepence. The day before the fight, a In the drama the fall of Ath- neighbouring gentleman, O'Kel- lone is fairly attributed to the ly by name, applied to St. Ruth vain p^ory and negligence of St. for payment of a flock of his c 2 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

sheep, which had been driven the neighbourhood had quitted off, and eaten by the soldiers. their homes when the battle was The General expostulated with impending, and remained away him on the unreasonableness for some time after it. The En- of the demand, representing glish survivors looked to the that the men had come there to interment of their own people peril their lives for him and his only, and the dead bodies of the party. "Well," said O'Kelly's Irish lay singly and in heaps all herd, who was standing by, " ask through the fields. We close him for the skins anyhow." The our war quotations from Story request was made and sternly with an affecting incident of the refused, St. Ruth representing fidelity of man's most faithful the need in which the soldiers dumb friend. stood of beds and bedding. On " Many dogges frequented the some further persistence on the place long afterwards, and be- part of the injured man, he and came so fierce by feeding upon his herd were ordered off, but man's flesh, that it became dan- not till the master told the man gerous for any single man to in Irish to mark well the appear- pass that way. And there is a ance of the General. They re- true and remarkable story of a paired without delay to the En- greyhound (probably, wolf- glish commander, who recom- hound) belonging to an Irish mended them to the care and officer. The gentleman was notice of Trench his gunner. killed and stripped in the battle, During the fight next day, and whose body the dog remained when the pass was forced owing by, night and day. And though to the want of suitable bullets he fed upon other corps with the by the little garrison, Trench set rest of the dogs, yet he would his piece on the edge of the never allow them nor anything morass in face of the hill, and else to touch that of his master. just as St. Ruth appeared ready When all the corps were con- for a downward charge on the sumed the dogs departed, but enemy, the herd cried out, this used to go in the night to " There he is, the French gene- the adjacent villages for food, ral dressed out like a bandman." and presently to return to the One wheel of the carriage being place where his master's bones lower than the other the skilful were only then left. And thus he gunner put one of his boots continued till January following, under it, adjusted the range, and Avhen one of Colonel Foulks's a few seconds later St. Ruth's soldiers being quartered nigh lifeless body was stretched along hand, and going that way by the hill side, and Aughrim was chance, the dog fearing that he lost. came there to disturb his mas- ter's bones, flew upon the sol- THE DOG OF AUGHRIM. dier, who, being surprised at the suddenness of the thing, MOST of the inhabitants of unslung his piece there upon )

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. his back, and killed the poor and Irish Protestants against dog." James and his Lord Deputy, the innate virtue was little indebted to poetic excellence or refined SIR TEA CUE O'REGAN feeling. The verses are sup- ONCE MORE. posed to be addressed by one bog-trotter to another. On the 13th of September of " this year, 1691, we find Sir Ho, brother Teague, dost hear de de- cree, in difficulties again. Teague He Lillibullero bullen a la, is invested in the fortress of Dat we shall have a new Debitee ? Sligo, six hundred men under Lillibullero bullen a la. Lero, lero, lero, lero, lillibullero, bullen his command, and twelve days' a la. provisions in the store-room. Lero, lero, lero, lero, lillibullero, bullen a la. The town and part of the fort-

ress is in possession of the ene- Ho, be me shoul, it is a Talbot ; my, and Lord Granard prepared Lillibullero,

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. robbed and beaten you when REDMOND CPHANLON AND I was asleep, for I remember THE PEDLAR. nothing of it. Which way did I "— go after punishing you ? " Ah ! outlaw, the THIS renowned sir, I see, the vagabond took North, terror and delight of the your name in vain. He is gone was a gentleman by birth. down that road." Though the beginning of his The rogue was soon overtaken reign coincided with the termi- by Redmond's men, and con- nation of Cromwell's wars, he fronted with his victim. " 111 could not allege his loyalty as teach you," said Redmond, after an excuse for despoiling the the property was returned to its Sassenach enemy, for he got one owner, " to avoid personating trial at least to test his good me another time." He bound behaviour, and was not able to the pedlar over to prosecute at live quietly till his time of pro- the next assizes, and then sent bation expired. He was as po- the offender in the custody of pular as any highway robber the maltreated man and three of could be. He was averse to his own followers, to be deli- blood-shedding, would relieve vered up to the gaoler of Ar- distressed people, and kindly magh, intrusting the subjoined treat any single soldier that fell mittimus to the party : in his way. He levied black mail like any highland chief, "By Redmond O'Hanlon, in half-a-crown per annum being loco one of his Majesty's justices the ordinary tariff, and his writ- of the peace for the county of ten protection exempted his te- Armagh : nants from all harm at the hand " I herewith of robber or thief for a twelve- send you the body of this month. The mortifications he , who Mas day brought before me, inflicted on his would-be captors, and exa- mined for and his hair-breadth escapes, robbing Mr. on the king's high-road, requiring almost exceed belief. of you to hold in safe cus- The travelling pedlars sup- him tody till the next general assizes plied O'H anion with a fair pro- to be held for the said county portion of his yearly revenue. ; and for your so doing, this As he was taking the air one shall be your sufficient warrant. day, he found one of this body Given under hand this ist not personally known to him, my day of March, crying bitterly. " What's the 1675. — " Redmond O'Hanlox. matter, my good man?" " Ah ! that terrible Redmond H anion " To Gaoler of Armagh." has taken my box and five , pounds, all my worldly property, What a source of grim merri- and gave me a beating besides." ment must not the judge and —" Well, I happen to be Red- lawyers have found in the peru- mond H anion; but I must have sal of this mittimus at the trial MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 23 sound from behind a thicket HOW REDMOND DE- and surrounded the frightened SPOILED THE SOLDIERS. men, who, at Redmond's com- mand, laid their guns, and belts, As the red-coated men of the and cartridge-boxes quietly on seventeenth century were obliged the ground. He allowed them to do the duty now discharged to retain their half-crowns, but by the Royal Irish Constabu- these were a poor comfort as lary, Redmond took every op- they stood again before their portunity to discomfort them, captain, and related their mis- except when tired and weary adventure. individuals came in his way. These he always succoured. Presenting himself once in a REDMOND MEEIS HIS dress of the best materials to MA TCH. the commanding officer at Ar- magh, he acquainted him that A MERCHANT in Dundalk he was on a journey to such a was to receive a large sum from place, that he had a large sum a correspondent in Newry, if he of money about him, and in could find sufficient courage to consequence stood in fear of go for it, or if he could induce Redmond O'Hanlon or some of any friend to make the venture. his gang. This being so, he He made no secret of his trouble would be obliged by the protec- to his family and people. So tion of seven or eight of the one of his apprentices said to " men well armed till he would him one day, Mr. , if you have reached such and such a are satisfied to lose about thirty place. His request was granted, shillings I engage to bring you and he and his convoy went on the debt in spite of O'Hanlon pleasantly, he treating his guards and all his men." He thought liberally at every alehouse along the trial worth making, and the road, and telling them di- handed over the sum demanded. verting stories. At the ap- The adventurer then mounting pointed limit he made a halt, a horse, the own brother of Sir said he considered himself now Teague O'Regan's steed for ill- out of danger, gave every man conduct in the management of half-a-crown, and requested teeth and hoofs, began his them to lire a salvo in honour of journey. He did not expect to their success. This the partly escape a for-gathering with Red- intoxicated men readily did, and mond, and his guess was a cor- the idea so pleased them that rect one. He was overtaken by they let off salvo after salvo till a well-dressed and well-mounted their few charges were spent. gentleman, and they entered This was what O'Hanlon was into conversation. The boy was waiting for before he would blow all simplicity, and made no a signal on his whistle. A num- secret of the end and the object ber of armed men rushed at the of his journey, and his fears of "

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. coming under the notice of the the fence, a thick one headed great road-surveyor. " I wouldn't with bushes and shrubs which let you know all this, sir,'' said happened to border the road at he, " only I see you are a finished that part, and was divided from gentleman." "You are quite it by a real ditch full of muddy right in saying nothing to any water. Across the fence went one about your business, and I the heavy little wallet, and advise you not to mention it to O'Hanlon was obliged, nolens any other person, gentle or volens, to scramble through simple, except the Newry mer- water and brake to recover it. chant. When will you be on The boy improved the occasion. the road back?" "This time Slipping down from his ill- to-morrow I expect to be about tempered charger, he mounted here." " Well, well, mind what the robber's docile steed, and I said to you. That is a bitter- was several perches on the road tempered beast under you—good to Dundalk before O'Hanlon morning." could attain the solid road again. Just as he said, the boy was Vain were his shouts after the jogging back next day, and at simple youth, vain his attempts the same place and same hour to bestride Rosinante, or even the gentleman was coming out seize the bridle, and the heap of from a by-lane on the high road. halfpence (many of them raps), "Well, isn't this curious?" said provided by the lad in Newry, he, " that we should meet again poorly repaid him for the loss of the same as yesterday? You his trained horse. Perhaps his have the money safe I suppose ? defeat by the clever boy went " Oh, faith I have ; there it is safe nearer his heart than all. That in the two ends of that canvas lucky apprentice reached his bag, and no sign of O'Hanlon, home in triumph with the money thank God." " You are grateful well quilted in his waistcoat. too soon ; I am the man ; hand If this were a tale we would add over the purse." — " Oh, sir, that the gratified master took honey, you wouldn't do a poor the youth into partnership, and boy such harm. My employer blessed him with the hand of will kill me or put me in jail. his fair daughter ; but there is Maybe he'll say I kept the money such a thing in the world as myself." All this time the boy's conscience, and the chronicle steed kept prancing, and wheel- consulted by us omits all men- ing round, and lashing out. tion of the young lady. Perhaps " Keep your beast quiet, and the merchant was not provided hand over the bag, or I'll put with any child, male or female. a bullet through you."— "Oh, After many hairbreadth es- vuya, vuya ! what'll become of capes, and the infliction of a me? Well, if the money is to world of trouble on the Govern- be yours, you must take the ment of the day, the stout out- trouble of crossing the ditch for law was assassinated in open it." By ditch the speaker meant day by two trusty individuals MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 25 specially employed for the pur- of them by a third equally pose by the Earl of Ormond. honest man, who, driving them The deed was effected 16th to a distant fair, disposed of

April, 1 68 1, at two o'clock in them, having previously dis- the afternoon. (See " The Tory guised them by washes if there War of Ulster" by Mr. Prender- was anything very striking in gast.) their appearance. When a bereaved farmer or gentleman found it out of the CHARLEY OF THE HORSES. question to get on the traces of his lost cattle, he repaired per- This worthy, called by his sonally or by deputy to Charley countrymen Cahir na Goppal Dempsey, gave needful informa- (correctly G-capulf), might be tion, paid his inquiry fee, and called a merchant prince among departed. On consulting the the tribe of cattle-lifters. Glen- books the latest known habitat malier, near Ballybrittas, in the of the animals was discovered, Queen's Co., had the disgrace hints given to correspondents of seeing him come to the world that the presence of such or and arrive at manhood. Some such animals, at present graz- of our readers must recollect ing in such and such pas- " About' s King of the Moun- tures, would be desirable on tains," his extensive correspond- such a night at a convenient ence, his connection with Lon- place then named ; the discon- don banks, and all the ramifica- solate owner would be told to tions of a widely-diffused busi- look in on a certain corner of a ness-concern, the source and common, or a sandy nook by foundation of all being the the side of a large river at the money taken from travellers by same time, and the commercial Greek brigands, or paid to them transaction was closed. In cases as ransom for rich captives. where search was unavailing Cahir directed the concern, his half of the fee was returned. brother was chief accountant, This system, though more and their, domain included all troublesome and less profitable Leinster, great part of Ulster, than burglary or highway rob- and portions of the other two bery, was less dangerous. So provinces. The mode of con- though Cahir was more than ducting the business may be once before " Their Honours " thus illustrated. A certain setter he as often escaped. Damning gave Charley information of such evidence on the part of his em- and such cattle being in such ployes was difficult to be fur- a pasture, or housed at night in nished, such was the division of an easily accessible stable. labour in the complicated system, Charley sent information of the and so little did the confederates fact to another retriever, and he know of each other. having conducted the cattle to an appointed spot, was relieved MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

During the trial, which came HOW CAHIR NA GOPPAL off next day, sufficient evidence HELPED A BROTHER was given to hang Mr. William CONVEYANCER. Peters a dozen times, but when all hope seemed lost, and the Mr. William Peters, one judge was preparing to charge, of Charley's contemporaries, and the prisoner's father innocently a professor in the same line, but asked the prosecutor by what by no means so highly gifted, marks was his beast distin- was lying in irons in Carlow for guished, and whether it was a appropriating a certain sorrel horse or a mare. He at once horse with a bald face and one mentioned the disposition of the white foot. The prisoner's father coloured spots, and the gender of sent word to Charley of his son's the animal. " My lord judge,'' accident, and requested his good said the questioner, "will it offices towards his liberation. please you to allow the beast to Cahir, getting an accurate; de- be brought into court, and give scription of the appearance of his evidence?" Leave was given the horse, had a diligent search of course, and the spots and made till a mare having the colours found to correspond same colour-marks was dis- with the owner's statement, but covered. A trusty agent con- alas, to his great surprise veyed her into Carlow, where and annoyance, his beast, in- the stolen and recovered horse stead of being a horse, was at was now kept to be produced at once recognised as a horse's the approaching trial if needful. mother ! Mr. Peters escaped The mare's guardian made ac- the gallows on that occasion. quaintance with the ostler who Charles Dempsey, the great had charge of the horse, and, equine financier, also escaped watching his opportunity when the cord for a long period, but he was returning from watering the most skilfully constructed the animal, he invited him into system, if founded on fraud, the tavern where he was staying, must go to pieces sometime. to have a drink. What denizen He was finally led to the gibbet, of a stable could say nay to such but being totally ignorant of a bidding ? He tied the beast Christian faith or hope, and un- to a staple, entered the house, versed in its practices, he died and did not leave it in full pos- like a soulless brute. During session of his senses. Mean- the death march, he gave audi- while a confederate of Charley's ence to sundry parties who agent putting the horse's capari- sought information concerning son on the mare, left her there in lost cattle. To some he gave his stead, and mounting on his useful informations, to others he back, was soon several miles would not deign an answer. from Carlow, and the bemused Who can, without a shudder, ostler remained unconscious of fancy the awaking of his spirit any change. in the world of souls ? MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. V

come up, shtopped de gap I MANUS THE GOLD-FINDER. made, and meself and me com- rade went down into it afther Manus's sheepish, unintel- dark, lighted our candle, and lectual, innocent-looking face prized up one o' de leds wud de would have deceived even a crow, and what was inside but criminal lawyer. He had begun piles o' such little bars as dat, life as a mason's apprentice, but lying atop of one anoder. In found the atelier of a coiner of anoder chest dere was chalices, base money more attractive. crosses, rings, an' precious Having procured by some means shtones. To make a long shtory a small ingot of pure gold, and short, me comrade an' meself changed his residence from one removed de whole o' de trea- town in the county of Kildare to sures to a safe place, where no- another, he conned over the fol- body will never find dem, an' lowing romance in his mind, I'm sure I dunnow what to do. and then began to communicate I'm afeard o' de lord o' de manor, it, under conditions of secrecy, dat he'd take away every moder's to various individuals. He told son o' de fruits of our hard his story with such an air of labour, an if I take any ting to truth, that his confidants began de 'grate jeweller in Dublin, to feel a strong desire to become he'll maybe take me up, and sharer in his precious find. We have me tried fwhor stalen. If present an outline of his narra- I could only get some dacent tive. man like yourself or some good " Last Easter, fwhen I was naybour to give me some ready working wid a masoner, he set money for a parcel o' dem bars, meself an' another boy to make I'd be shut o' de boder o' dem, a pair of piers fwhor a gate there and you or he would become as below at New Abbey. I was rich as jews, for you'd get near looken out fwhor some good de walley o' dem, which a poor shtones, and sure enough I fellow like me wouldn't." found them fillen' up an owld The first victim to the artless doorway. I loosened a few of tale was an innkeeper who came 'em wud me crow-bar, an' fwhot from some distance, and agreed to should I see but shteps laden give Manus forty pounds, which down to a waut. I went down he had scraped together, for the fwhor curosity's sake, and there full of his valise of such ingots wor a parcel of chests ranged as Manus had* shown him. The round, an' what would any one innocent finder was wise enough tink they wor houlden but de to explain to his customer, bones of de great people long "You see if I sell dese fwor ago. I touched one of 'em wud goold, de lord o' de manor will me crow, and what was it but be down on me some day. So iron, an sez I to meself, ' It remember—I sell em to you for can't be any harm to look in- shtones." " Oh, very well, I'll side.' But it wor so dark. I not discover on you." 28 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

Manus led his man in the bourhood have a tradition con- middle of the night into a field, cerning two old castles that blindfolded him, and bade him stand nigh half a mile from this not attempt to look after him. place, and not above a stone's He took the valise into a corner cast one from the other. They of the field, and filled it with say that in former times two small stones. He then locked Brehons or Irish judges lived in the article, delivered it to his these two castles, who happened customer, and exhorted him to to have at last some disputes get home with as little delay as about their properties ; and their he could. " I'll keep de kay," wives, though they were sisters, said he, " but I'll be wid you in used to stand upon the battle- tree days at de fardest, an' if ments of their own houses and you brake open de portmantle scold at one another for several between dis an' dat, you'll be hours together, which at length sorry for it only once, but dat one of them being weary of, she will be all de days o' your life. found out a trick only to appear Dere's a charm on all dem tings and begin the fray. Then she laid up be de Danes, or some would place an image that she oder o' de grate ould anncient dressed up in her own clothes families." in such a position that her sister The poor dupe waited three could not discern it from herself days, and three more to the at that distance, who, not sensi- back of them, but his patience ble of the cheat, she used to being then worn to a film, he scold on, and at last fretted her- cut open the valise, and found self to death because she could out the extent of his folly. not be answered in her own If Manus was not able to language. But I'm afraid the keep always on the outside of women in this country will the prison, he was never pro- scarce pardon this story." moted to the gibbet. The la- mented writer, Gerald Griffin, introduced him under the name DOUGHTY JOHN DUNTON Alaney into his interesting IN DUBUN. Munster story of Suil Dubh. JOHN Dunton was a London citizen, who enjoyed as much THE SCOLDING SISTERS. credit and renown in the last years of the seventeenth century When pleasantly employed as John Gilpin a century later. making extracts from the gos- Those readers of ours who have siping chaplain, we happened to read his " Errors " are aware overlook a legend connected that he was a bustling, enter-

with Cariganles (Cahirconlish ?), prising, and intelligent book- but it will not be much out of seller. Coming to Ireland to place here. extend his trade, and cudgel a "The people of this neigh- literary taste into the heads of MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 29 the "Wild Irish," he returned that unhappy land, and invari- rather in bad humour with the ably all night long. Ireland is natives and their climate. In the watering-pot of the planets. his long-winded narrative, how- The heavens in that country ever, he praises Messrs. Brent had sore eyes, and they were and Powel, booksellers, and es- always weeping, dropping tears pecially that man deep in the perpetually. But there is one noble art and mystery of print- good thing in Ireland—the wind. ing, John Brocas, of Skinners' That is generally westerly, which Row (now Christchurch Place). insures a short passage from it. Mr. Norman, who enjoyed his The towns and cities are thronged flower-garden when not selling like hives, yet being for the most his books by auction, and his part thieves and "drones, they thrifty wife also, obtained Mr. rather diminish than increase Dunton's approval. Messrs. the stock, and were it not for Crook and Thornton, the latter the honest English and strangers being the king's stationer, came among them, they'd be all in for their share of commenda- starved, I'm persuaded, in pro- tion, but all their merits did not cess of time." suffice to counterbalance the Even our women, who gene- annoyance inflicted on him, rally get a good word from vi- John Dunton, citizen of London, sitors, as far as comparative by the selfish proceedings of good conduct goes, had the mis- Pat Campbell, who, little awed fortune to displease John. He by his foreign prestige, set up a set prominently before his read- rival auction-room in opposition ers a billet-doicx sent to him by to that opened by the literary- the wife of a Dublin citizen, mission man. He aired his thus practising on his virtue, grievance in a pamphlet of 554 which, like a second Joseph, he pages of closely-printed matter, preserved. For he declared, on in which he called on gods, men, the honour of a bookseller, that and pigeons to hold Pat Cambel he was a religious man as well in contempt, and work him all as a shopkeeper. the woe in their power. Dr. R. N ow, with respect to his very R. Madden, in his " History of prejudiced opinion of the Irish Irish Periodical Literature, thus ladies. Had he asserted that bewails the obloquy brought on their limbs were not all formed the country by the selfishness in the mould in which those of of Pat the auctioneer. the Medicean Venus were fash- " Dunton, though he could not ioned, we might perhaps have wreak his vengeance on the head kept our temper ; but he speaks of Pat Campbell the bookseller, of our darling women, bodies revenged himself a good deal on and souls, in such terms as to the soil, the sky, and the people exclude his memory from any- of Ireland. As for the rain, thing resembling an Irish John Dunton verily believed blessing. that " it raineth every day in 30 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

weak-headed and soft-hearted THE GREAI JOHN WHAL- Protestants to shelter or tolerate LEY, Doctor of something or them. Therefore let every priest other. ordained in the country, along with him who ordained him. and This individual, who made every foreign-ordained priest considerable noise in his day by coming to the country, be first announcing to the Irish and treated as the Grand Turk treats English publics the latest news the guardians of his many wives, from Mars and the other wan- and then banished for life. derers through space, happened " Another great evil is the to make his first public appear- printing and publishing of popish ance in the pillory in r688. Na- books, James Malone of High turally disliking the king in Street in the city of Dublin, whose reign he attracted such printer, being a special offender undesirable notice, he, to the in this line. The said Malone, end of his life, spoke and did with malice prepense, continu- all the evil in his power to the ally issues such pestilent popish co-religionists and well-wishers works as ' Valentine and Orson,' of James. His profession was ' The Seven Wise Masters,' that of astrologist and almanack- ' The Seven Champions of maker, and in that capacity he Christendom,' and other like fa- foretold the downfall of the Pa- bulous stories. Now, while these pacy in or about the year 1735, are allowed to be published and but unfortunately died in 1729, read, books of a sound Protest- and so was not gratified by the ant character will get no circu- accomplishment of his prophecy. lation among the people. Had the Government obeyed " Therefore be it enacted that the injunctions of Whalley and the books specified, to wit, ' Va- a few intolerant worthies of his lentine and Orson,' ' The Seven stamp, a Roman Catholic would Wise Masters,' ' The Seven not be found in the empire in Champions of Christendom,' and 1740 in a condition to pay fune- all of that class, be burned by ral honours to his fellow-believer the hangman, and every popish who had last expired. Here are printer and bookseller banished a few items of the treatment beyond sea. which the Government, accord- " Be it [further enacted, that ing to Whalley, should afford to every papist, that in time to the different classes of malignant come shall teach school, or prac- papists. tise as a physitian, chirurgeon, Imprimis. There was no be- or solicitor, in this kingdom be, nefit to be got by imprisoning for the first offence, fined ; for priests or schoolmasters, for the second, fined and impri- they would not rest till they had soned ; and for the third, ba-

' perverted gaolers, prisoners, and nished the kingdom." Bravo, visitors. If left in the country Whalley ! at all, there would be plenty of " — MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 31

a smart fellow. And who is your THE FIRST MEETING OF own father, my lad ?"— " If your DEAN SI VIET AND HIS Reverence will only mind the MAN. bouceus, here's the switch, I'll go in and ax my mother." Away Dr. Jonathan Swift was went the Dean without exchang- born in Hoey's Court, off the Cas- ing another word. tle Steps, A.D. 1667, and died in the Deanery House, Kevin Street, 19th October, 1745, his latter DEAN SWIFT GIVES A LES- years being spent in a state of POLITENESS, imbecility. Whether from mo- SON IN AND tives of patriotism or dislike to GETS HIS REWARD. the Ministry, he sturdily con- tended for public measures con- Some days after, the Dean ducive to the advancement of was in his study reading, when the trade and general well-being the door was pushed open, and of his country. He even ren- the same young fellow came in, dered himself obnoxious to legal dragging a fine salmon by the " punishment by his plain-speak- gills, and without saying by ing and fault-finding with things your leave," or "with your as they were. In consequence leave," he walks over, and flops his memory is. held in great it across the Dean's knees, and veneration by the middle and says, " There's a fine—salmon my lower classes in Ireland, who father sent you." "Oh, I'm have long fathered on him sun- very much obliged, I'm sure ; dry witty sayings and eccentric but I'd be more obliged if you actions, the rightful property of had— just shown better manners." wits and eccentrics both before "Well, I wish I knew how." " and after his day. In popular Sit down here, and I'll show tradition his servant man gets you how to behave." He took greater credit for wit and clever- the fish in his hand, and went ness than he himself. This was outside, and shut the door. Then the way in which they first be- he tapped, and heard the young came acquainted.* fellow cry out with aloud voice, As the Dean was one day "Come in;" and what should riding along the road, he saw an he see but the young monkey intelligent but badly clad boy with his own spectacles on his minding a brood of young pigs nose, and he pretending to read " and their dam. '"'Who owns that a book. Oh, the young vaga-

! fine family of young pigs ? " said bone " says the Dean, but he the Dean.—"Their mother does," didn't let on. — "Please your answered the youth.—" Oh ho ! Reverence," says he, with a bow, " said the Dean to himself, "here's my father will be much obliged by your acceptance of this sal- * The four narratives next ensuing are mon, which he has just taken." given in the idiom in which the writer first heard them. — " Your father is a respectable — MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. man," says the urchin, taking off an' don't you know, sir, that is the spectacles, " and I'm sure the Great Dane Swift? Did " you're a good boy ; here's half- you never see him before ? a-crown for you. Take the fish "No, indeed ; but I often hear down to the kitchen, and tell tell of him. And, pray, where the cook she's to give you your are you going?" —"To heaven dinner." He then sprung up, straight."—" Well, I think you're took a pull at his hair, and re- astray."— " Not a bit astray or lieved the Dean of the fish. You mistaken, sir. My master's may be sure the master laughed praying, and I'm fasting." The on the wrong side of his mouth. boy didn't speak so low but that the Dean might hear him. He did hear him, and the next inn DEAN SWIFT AND HIS they passed, he ordered a good MAN AT THEIR DEVO- breakfast for both. TIONS. As tricky as the young fellow TRUE TO THE DEATH was, the Dean found he was honest and dependable ; so he The Dean, out of his love to took him into his service. Once, Ireland, wrote some bitter things when they were setting out on a again' Government,—so bitter journey, the Dean saw that his indeed that he could be tried for boots were not polished, and he his life for them. But no one spoke of it. "Oh!" says the was in the secret but his man, servant, "what 'ud be the use of who used to carry the writing to polishing? They would be as the printer. The servant was spattered as ever before night." pretty sober, but once he came —" Oh, very well." They were home drunk in the evening, and after riding seven or eight miles, next morning the Dean gave and were passing a house of en- him his walking paper. "Ah, tertainment, " Master," says the masther honey," says he, " don't boy, " don't you think it time to send me away. I may fall into get breakfast ? " — " Ach, what great misery, and the divel use would it be ? We'd be as tempt me to inform on you." hungry as ever before sunset." " I'll run that risk," says the " There the boy was circumvented Dean : away with you." The any way. He said nothing, but Dean was as proud as Lucifer in kept riding after his master dis- somethings. A couple of months mal enough. The Dean, to vex after, the poor fellow crossed him him the more, took out a book, as he was going out, and he all and began to read, jogging on in rags, and famine in every easy. By-and-by, a gentleman line of his poor face. He asked met them. He touched his hat for pardon, or anyhow for some- to the Dean, and when he came thing to keep body and soul to- near the boy, asked him the gether, but not a farthing would name ofthe clergyman. "Musha, he give him. Well, what will MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

you have of it ? the poor crea- of your heart, or the f'ace of ture held the secret, though he God you'll never see." " Well was ready to perish, and might now, that's a hard case, but any- get a big reward for informing. thing is better nor to be shut Still his master didn't lose sight out of heaven. Maybe if he was of him, and when the danger sent for, and we were speaking was all past, he took him back, face to face, I might make up and never parted with him again. my mind to pardon him." The When he died his master got priest was sent for, and the him buried next the wall in minister staid outside to give Patrick's church, giving direc- himself and the Dean time tions for his own body to be laid enough to be reconciled. They just outside. (There is a germ took a long time to it, and at of truth in this tradition.) last the clergyman pushed in the door, and what did he find the priest at, but anointing the THE DEAN'S DEATH. dying man. " Oh you impostor !" says he, shaking his fist at the There was formerly a pretty Dean, "if ever you rise out of general belief that the last years that bed, I'll have your gown of Dr. Swift's life were spent in stripped off your back." " In- the asylum founded by himself deed," says the poor Dean, " if off Bow Lane, W. Such how- ever I recover, I'll have you pro- ever was not the case. During secuted for bringing in a popish these years he was tenderly priest to a patient not over strong cared for in the Deanery-house in his mind." off Kevin Street. N either theory This closes the mere tradi- was comfortable enough for the tional stock of anecdotes con- audiences round country hearths nected with the memory of Dr. on winter nights. These were Jonathan Swift. the circumstances preceding his departure as known to them. A minister visited him on his DR. SWIET AND THE death bed to pray with him, and SHOEMAKER. give him the rites of his church, if Prodestins have any. When The Dean was most punctual the ceremony was over he asked in keeping his engagements, and him if he was in peace with all expected the people with whom mankind. He said he was, ex- he had business to be equally cept Father So and So of Dirty punctual with him. A shoe- Lane (Bridge Foot Street) Cha- maker, who should have been pel. " He done such things to well aware of this peculiarity of me," said he, " that I cannot his patron, once brought him forgive him. " Oh be this and home a new pair of shoes in the be that!" says the minister, evening, but just twenty-four " that won't do. You must for- hours later than the time he had give every one from the bottom fixed on himself. Dr. Swift was D MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. as averse to change his trades- How tired you must have felt, men or followers as Napoleon I., and all through my forgetfulness but he would occasionally give for a night. Why, if I had for- a sharp practical reproof. The got you for a day as well as a shoes were all that could be de- night, as you did me, I think sired, and he gave them deserved we'd have to bring the coroner. praise. Having handed him the Won't this be a warning to you, price of his labour, he asked to be punctual in keeping exactly " him why he had delayed the job to your promise ! The Dean a day beyond the time promised. was too generous in many ways, He answered somewhat care- and too good a customer to be lessly, " Oh, your Reverence, it affronted by the man of leather, was not much, only a day." It who slunk off, shamefaced being a fine summer evening enough. and the large window leading to the garden open, the Doctor in- vited the tradesman to look at THE DEAN'S CHARITABLE his flowers and fruit. After a DISPOSITION. turn or two round the garden, he mentioned that he should go MUCH as the lamented Mr. in for a while, requesting his Thackeray satirised Irish men visitor to stay till he would re- and Irish things in his " Irish turn. Accordingly he made Sketch Book," he never was ap- another tour, explored all the pealed to in vain by a wretched regions of the inclosure, and be- or quasi-wretched object during gan to wonder why his patron his tour. It is very probable was not coming. He approached that Dr. Swift, as bitter as his pen the glazed door, but found it and tongue were, and stern as he secured within. Still he was un- could be to faults or negligence, willing to call out for relief. He was as tender-hearted as the made another tour, and another, author of "Vanity Fair." One and several in succession, and at day, looking out at window, he last ventured to cry out for li- saw a distressed-looking creature berty. No liberator came, and handing a paper to a servant twilight was succeeded by dark- (not the individual already men- ness, and the poor man found tioned). John Thomas, contemp- all his philosophy insufficient to tuously looking over it, threw it relieve him of a nearly insup- back with the remark that his portable weariness which he was master and himself had some- forced to endure till morning. thing better to do than examin- At last, when nature was on the ing every dirty scrap of paper point of giving way, the stern brought to the house. The but welcome face of the Dean Doctor, hearing his observation, was seen through the window, threw up the window, and told which was then soon opened. him to bring the woman into the " Oh/' cried the inflexible host, hall. Finding that her case was " have you been here all night ? one of unmerited distress, he MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 35

placed her among his weekly- pensioners, and not only read a DISCIPIINE IN THE sharp lecture to the dog in office, DEANERY. but dismissed him on the spot. Dr. Swift's housekeeper ruled the very few female ser- vants DR. SWIFTS CHARITl in his household. The only SERMON. individual directions which ever came from himself were, to close The Dean once preached a the door on entering his study, or whatever room he charity sermon in St. Patrick's might Cathedral, but had the morti- occupy for the time, and not forget to close it after her fication to hear it spoken of as when leaving it. One day the much too long. " I shall not fall housemaid asked leave into that error," thought he, to be u present at her sister's wedding, . when I get another opportu- and he gave it without nity." The opportunity came, and hesita- tion, and moreover told her that he thus improved it. "Dear- he would allow ly beloved brethren," he began, Robert to take her behind him on the pillion, " I am instructed by my text and bring her back. In that he who giveth to the poor her joy- she forgot to shut lendeth to the Lord." This he the door, and many minutes repeated in an emphatic tone, had not elapsed till she and and proceeded. " Now beloved her fellow servant were pleasantly jogging on brethren, if you like the terms, to Bray, where the solemnity and approve the security, down was to be held. with the dust !" He descended As they were get- ting out of Black from the pulpit, and had the Rock, they heard a call from satisfaction to find that his pithy a familiar voice mingled with the clattering oration was followed by a very- noise of a horse's iron liberal collection. shoes on the stones. " Well, what is the matter ? " " The master wants A TAX ON THE IRISH AT- you back in all haste, Kitty." " " " MOSPHERE DREADED. Ah, what for ! How do I know? Do you think he'd Lady Carteret, wife of the tell ? " " Oh, musha, musha, Lord Lieutenant, was once prais- wouldn't it be better if he didn't ing with great unction the at- give me leave at all ! " " Oh, mosphere and climate of Ireland. faith, you may ask that of him- " Oh, for goodness sake, madam," self. There is only the one he exclaimed in the most pa- thing to be done." It was a hard thetic style at his command, case for poor Kitty, but she was " do not mention it in the pre- in the grip of stern necessity. sence of any members of the The horses' heads were turned, Government. If you do, they the discourse was of a dismal will certainly tax it." and disjointed character, and D 2 J6 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. every mile seemed ten till they the shortcomings of the clergy reached Upper Kevin Street. his theme. " I would wager," When the poor girl was lifted said he, " that if the devil died down from her ill-starred emi- to-morrow, a clergyman would nence, she took long strides till be found to preach his funeral she was inside the master's oration." " You are right," said study, the door of which was the dignitary. " I would do it

as she had left it. " Sir," said myself, and give the devil his she, striving to catch her breath, due, as I gave it to his children "what do you want me for?" this morning." " Merely to close the door." The On another occasion an attor- master, thinking the punishment ney took great liberties with the already inflicted sufficient, then clergymen of the day. " Doc- graciously allowed her to take tor," said he to the Dean, " sup- her seat on the pillion again, pose that the parsons and the and resume her interrupted ex- devil went to law, which, in your cursion to the pleasant gather- opinion, would win the cause?" ing. " The devil would," answered the Doctor, " for all the lawyers would be on his side." THE DEAN'S CULINARY SKILL. LOST LABOUR. One day, a shoulder of mut- ton, rather overdone, was laid A Dublin lady who stood in on the table. The cook was great awe of the unmanageable sent for. " Take down that man, once took a world of variety of meat and get it rather under- trouble to provide a done." " Oh, please your Reve- dishes, and have all cooked with rence, that I could not do." great skill for an entertainment give in his " And if you had sent it under- which she was to first bit done, could you bring it to the pro- honour. But from the per point afterwards." " Surely that was tasted, she did not I could, your Reverence." " Let cease to undervalue the courses, me never see an overdone joint and to beg indulgence for at the table again. If you must the shortcomings of the cook. " " commit a fault, let it be one Hang it ! said he, after the which can be amended." annoyance had gone on a little, " if everything is as bad as you say, I'll go home and get a SWIFT AMONG THE herring dressed for myself." LA WYERS.

In an assize sermon the Doc- DR. SWIFTS EPILOGUE TO tor handled the gentlemen of A CHARITY PLA V. the long robe rather roughly. At the dinner which followed, a However the Dean might smart young counsellor made give offence to captains or sen- — —

MODERN IRISH AXECDOTES.

sitive lords and ladies, there was In blue shalloon shall Hannibal be clad, And Scipio trail an Irish purple plaid. but one feeling, that a and warm In drugget dressed, of thirteen pence a and grateful one, towards him yard, among the citizens and the poor See Philip's son amid his Persian guard, And proud Roxana, fired with jealous of Dublin. He was genuinely rage, charitable, had not a scrap of With fifty yards of crape shall sweep the stage. Pharisee-flesh or blood about him, and after a day spent in Oh ! could I see this audience clad in tracing out misery and relieving stuff, Though money's scarce, we should have it, he would employ his night- trade enough ; gown-and-slipper hours in writ- But chintz, brocades, and lace'take all ing an epilogue for one of the away, And scar. a crown is left to see the bombastic tragedies about to be play." acted for the benefit of the poor weavers of the Liberty. PLEARACA NA RUARCACH. " Who dares affirm this is no pious age, Charity begins to tread the stage When ; Mr. Gore, a hospitable When actors, who at least are hardly savers, gentleman in Leitrim, once car- Afford to give a benefit to weavers? ried .off the Dean to his country Stay, let me see, how finely will it house, sound and entertained him Imprimis, from His Grace* a hundred nobly, sparing neither beef, mut- pounds ! ton, whiskey, music, poetry, Peers, clergy, gentry, all are benefactors, And then comes in the item of the actors. dancing, nor good-nature. Hear- Item, the actors freely give a day, ing the melody above-named The poet had no more who made the sung (the being " play. meaning The But whence this wondrous charity in Feast of O'Rourke "), he got the players ? author, a Mr. Maguaran, to give They learn it not at sermons nor at prayers. him a literal translation ; and at

' Under the rose,' : here are none his leisure he put it in English but friends, verse. It presents a picture of To own the truth, ! havi e private ends. what our ancient hospitality Since waiting v like exacting would degenerate to when not jades, Hold up the prices of their old brocades, kept in bounds by moderation We'll dress in manufactures made at and refined manners. home, " Equip our kings and generals at the O'Rourke's noble feast Comb, t Can ne'er be forgot We'll dress from Meath Street, Egypt's By those who were there, haughty queen, Or by those who were not. And Anthony shall court her in rat- His revels to keep, theen.J We sup and we dine On seven score sheep, * Archbishop King, author of " The Fat bullocks, and swine. Origin of Evil." Usquebaugh to our feast t Comb, so spelled, to make it rhyme In pails was brought up, with "home." It is ordinarily spelled hundred at least, coombe (the root, cumar, a hollow). The A a meddher" our cup. street so called, situate near St. Patrick's And cathedral, is built on a filled hollow, through which the poddle once sparkled * A square wooden drinking-vessel, the and danced in the air and sunshine. best specimens being ornamented with \ A species of narrow cloth. carving and hoops of the precious metals. ! —

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

Come, harper, strike up ! A TEXT OF SCRIPTURE But first, by your favour, Boy, give us a cup. APPLIED WITH SUCCESS.

Ah ! this hath some savour. O'Rourke's jolly boys When the Duke of Ormond Ne'er dreamt of the matter, was sailing to Dublin to assume Till roused by the noise state duties of Of the music and clatter. the and Lord Lieutenant, a storm obliged the They bounce from their nest, No longer will tarry, captain to take refuge in the They rise ready dressed, Isle of Man. There His Excel- Without one Ave-Mary. lency and suite were hospitably The floor is all wet With leaps and with jumps, entertained by a clergyman While the water and sweat whose christian name was Splish-splash in their pumps. Joseph. Finding that his host Bring straw for our bed, enjoyed but a very limited in- Shake it down to our feet, Then over us spread come, the Duke promised him The winnowing sheet. that when he could find time Good Lord, what a sight and opportunity, he would settle After all their good cheer, him in a comfortable Irish glebe For people to fight waited In the midst of their beer ! house. The pastor a

They rise from their feast, few months with as much pa- And hot are their brains ; tience as he could muster for A cubit at least the fulfilment of the great man's The length of their skeans.* promise, but at last, getting very What stabs and what cuts,

What clattering of sticks ! tired and impatient, he crossed What crocking of ribs, to Ireland, and claimed the What bastings and kicks ! Dean's hospitality. It was the With cudgels of oak, Doctor's turn to preach before Well hardened in flame, A hundred heads Lroke, the vice-regal court on the fol- A hundred legs lame ! lowing Sunday, but he readily ' You churl, I'll maintain allowed the Manxman to take 'Twas my father built Lusk, The castle of Slane, his place. Ormond seeing a And Carrie Drumrusk. new face in the pulpit, examined ' The Earl of Kildare, the features with some attention, And Moynalty his brother, and as soon as the voice of the As great as they are, to heard, I was nursed by their mother, t preacher began be he his ' Ask that woman there, recognised kind entertainer, She'll tell you who's who, and experienced some remorse

As far up as Adam : " for his own neglect. The She knows it is true.' preacher gave out— the text from Genesis xl., 23 : " Yet did not * Correctly scians, long knives. the Chief Butler remember t Foster-mother to wit. In the old times in Ireland, no lady of rank thought Joseph, but forgat him,* and of giving suck to her child or children. sp6ke so pointedly to the con- The much-desired duty was discharged by the wife of a rich farmer or grazier on the science of the great man, that chief's demesne, and the after-bonds which the Rev. Joseph was soon in connected the young chief with his foster- possession of the warm glebe mother and her family were of the most loving and stringent character. house promised. —

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 39 DR. SWIFT AND HIS not boast exemption from the PRINTER. weakness of vanity. He con- tinued to be Swift's printer as George Faulkner, one of long as his patron employed the most estimable Dublin one, but was careful to keep his citizens of last century, estab- darling foible out of his sight lished "The Dublin Journal" in after receiving the following the year 1724, and though it fell practical rebuke in the com- into bad hands in the end of mencement of their business that century and the beginning transactions : of the present, it lived through " When George Faulkner, the the first quarter of it. George printer, returned from London was at first in company with a where he had been soliciting Mr. Hoey. " Dean Swift," we subscriptions for his edition of quote " The History of Irish the Dean's works, he went to Periodical Literature," by Dr. pay his respects to him, dressed R. R. Madden, "sent for the in a laced waistcoat, a bag wig, printer of ' The Dublin Journal,' and other fopperies. Swift re- and was waited on by Mr. James ceived him with all the cere- Hoey, whom the Dean asked if mony he would show to a per-

' he was a printer. Mr. Hoey I fect stranger. Pray, sir, what answered he was an apology for are your commands with me?' one. The Dean, piqued at the ' I thought it my duty to wait on freedom of this answer, asked you immediately— on my return further where he lived. He re- from London.' ' Pray, sir, who

? ' — plied, 'facing the Tholsel."* are you ' George Faulkner, The Dean then turned from the printer.' — ' You George

Mr. Hoey, and bid him send his Faulkner, the printer ! Why, partner. Mr. Faulkner accord- thou art the most impudent ingly waited on the Dean, and barefaced impostor I ever heard being asked the same question, of. George Faulkner is a sober answered, ' he was/ also that sedate citizen, and would never 1 he lived opposite the Tholsel.' trick himself out in lace and 1 Then/ said the Dean, 'you are other fopperies. Get about your the man I want/ and from that business, and thank your stars time commenced their friend- that I do not send you to the ship." House of Correction.' Poor George hobbled away as fast as A LITTLE FOIBLE OF GEO. he could, and having changed FAULKNER. his apparel, returned imme- diately to the deanery. Swift, George, good citizen, and on seeing him, went up to him real good man as he was, could with great cordiality, and shook him familiarly by the hand, say- * The Tholsel, situate near the junction of Nicholas Street and Christ Church ing, ' My good friend George, I Place, occupied the centre of the great am heartily glad to see you safe western thoroughfare, and served for the purpose of a town hall. returned, Here was an impudent '

-|o MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. fellow in a laced waistcoat, who Then I laugh in my turn, give the side- glass a push up, for you, would fain have passed And so I would, faith, were his deanship but I soon sent him packing a bishop. But go which way you will, we meet with a flea in his ear.'" (Ex- with our own, tract in " The Streets of Dub- That cursed newspaper has made us so lin," by John T. Gilbert, Esq., known. Every stockingless boy, as he bathes at M.R.I.A.) Clantaff, At sight of the chariot must set up his laugh, And swear to his comrogues he but yesterday paid you FA ULKNER NARR OJVLY Two thirteens for the journals, which ESCA PES KNIGHTHO OD. journals have made you. Let them say what they will, give me once but my coach, Lord Chesterfield really I'll despise inuendoes and smile at re- proach." offered to knight the industrious printer, but vain as he undoubt- edly was, he had the good sense GEORGE FAULKNER AT to decline the honour. Robert THE PLAY. Jephson, a witty hanger-on at the Castle, and a sad thorn in IN " The Orators " of the poor George's side with his English Aristophanes, his intent lampoons, and essays published was to ridicule the rage for in his (George's) style, thus gave oratory prevailing in the middle form to Mrs. Faulkner's antici- of last century. He held up to pations of the glory awaiting derision Thomas Sheridan, her knight and herself. father of Richard Brinsley, and would have brought Dr. John- " Methinks to the Ring or the Strand as I son on the scene but for a whole- roll, ' some dread of the great moralist's I hear people cry, Oh ! that fortunate soul !' strong arm and well-seasoned While others in noddy at threepence a stick. Coming to Dublin he head, As they jog to Rathfarnham will fret studied Faulkner's personal pe- themselves dead. culiarities, his taste for fine If we alter our route and strike off to Glasnevin, dress, his style of delivering Where your Sunday cits walk on a after-dinner speeches, the loss scheme to be saving, of some teeth, and, what should (Those days are all over with me, I

thank God !) have been sacred from mockery, I look sharp for the Dean on each side his lameness. George's stage of the road. double was Peter Paragraph, ' Dean Delaney, your servant,' ' Sir George, I am yours. and annoying as the exhibition That's a pretty conveyance you ride in.' must have been to the worthy ' 'Tis ours.' The Dean stands aghast, as indeed well citizen, he endured it for a time, he may, till some sentences were added Then cries, with a smile, ' 'Tis a mighty reflecting on the tine day ! to the part While I know in his soul, like the rest of memory ofthe late Mrs. Faulkner. his brothers, This was the culminating point He hates to see laymen swing-swong upon leathers. of the aggravation. The scur- — ;

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 4*

rilous mimic was brought to by name, and schoolmaster by trial, and only for his speedy- profession, published two poems flight from the country he would in the style of Hudibras, one have received condign punish- entitled "The Irish Hudibras," ment. Four years later he was the other " Gillo's Feast/' and rendered by a fall as lame as his both designed to throw ridicule victim, yet in George's paper on all his countrymen, who the accident was barely men- entertained Jacobite aspirations. tioned, without note'or comment, They are mentioned here as and when the Lord Lieutenant literary curiosities. We present asked forgiveness for Foote, and our readers with the prelude to permission for him to re-appear the latter poem, as it contains in Smock Alley without fear of the least contemptible lines in prosecution, the good man con- the production. sented on the moment.

Before proceedings were taken, " In Western isle, renowned for fogs, it is said that Mr. Faulkner dis- For Tories, and for great wolf dogs, For drawing hobbies by the tail, tributed a number of pit and And threshing corn with fiery flail, gallery tickets among his press- And where in bowels of the ground men and other employes, ex- There are great heaps of butter found, And where in leathern hairy boat, pressing his wish that they O'er threatening waves bold mortals should hiss and groan the mimic. float,* One Gillo lived, the son of Shane, in He was present a box, but Who was the son of Patrick Bane, was mortified beyond measure Who was the son of Teigue the Tory, to see and hear his clap- Who, to his great and endless glory, men ~ Out of a bush a shot let fly, 1 ping, and applauding, and laugh- And killed a man who passed by, |- ing with all their might. He For which he was advanced high, — ) Who was the son of Phelim Fad, called them in a body before Who on his hand six fingers had, him next day, and asked the Could twist horse shoes, and at one meal reason of their non-compliance With ease could eat the greatest veal With 's " head, instead of hammer, could with his wishes, Why did you Knock nail into a piece of wood, not show your disapprobation of And with his teeth, without least pain, Could pull the nail from Foote and his doings?" thence again." " Foote ! " said the foreman of the party, "we saw no Foote. The reader may easily con- It was your own dear self, ceive, after glancing at the " master, we saw before us, and Feast of O'Rourke," what an how could we show you any dis- undesirable entertainment was respect?" We do not insist on furnished by Mr. Gillo (Giolla, a the rigid veracity of this play- fellow, a servant). house anecdote.

* Alluding to the alleged customs of the people, —yoking the horse to the plough by the tail, and burning the sheaves to come GILLO'S PEDIGREE. at the corn. They certainly used corrachs, i.e., wicker boats covered with hides, and in several places in bogs, A poetaster of the first half was found an adipose substance, which they called of last century, William Moffet "bog-butter." —

4- MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

against popery, and the newest A BIZARRE MODE OF country dances. ENCOURAGING LITERA- " Your petitioners are as sen- TURE. sible as your honours can be of the little use of learning, and IRISH writers of our day com- would not on any account in- plain of the want of encourage- flict on your honours the drud- ment of native talent and genius gery of reading. Still, as a re- on the part of our nobility, gen- putation for learning contributes try, and well-to-do people in the to the respect of a nation abroad, agricultural and mercantile de- it would be inexpedient for you partments. It is probable that to suffer your petitioners to shut our living writers and vendors up their shops. of books are not much worse off " Your petitioners beg to sug- than their predecessors a hun- gest that a room fitted up with dred and thirty years since. shelves full of books would cost Listen to portions of a petition barely about a hundred pounds, (abridged) which the respectable while hangings of Genoa damask printers and booksellers, George would, at the least, cost a hun- Grierson and George Faulkner, dred and forty, a clear saving of are supposed to have made forty pounds, and a reputation about that time, or what Dean for literary taste being thus Swift imagined they might have secured. We need not enlarge made in the depressed state of on the advantage of so much the book trade of their day. waste-paper at hand, useful for the sudden exigencies of master " To the Nobility, Gentry, and mistress for wrapping round both sexes and Clergy of candles, lighting the tea-lamp, the City Dublin, in of making bottoms for worsted, the petition humble of pinning up Miss's hair, making George Faulkner and kites for young master, or damp Grierson, book- George plaster for his forehead when he sellers,— cuts it in a fall, etc., etc., etc. " Sheweth that your petition- " Lest our patrons should in- ers, though booksellers, are not cur any contempt for encourag- prompted by any desire of gain ing home talent or home manu- to this their humble petition, facture, your petitioners solemnly being able, in case their trade engage authorship, paper, bind- should fail, to live decently on ing, etc., to be all foreign. nothing, as many of their betters M Your petitioners' statement are known to do. It proceeds and proposal are these : singly from their regard for the " The inhabitants of this city honour and glory of this metro- are computed at a hundred polis. Your petitioners can with thousand souls, allowing at an truth affirm that they have not average one soul to each inha- sold any books for some time bitant. Twenty thousand souls, past, except some few old books consisting of tradesmen, curates, MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 43

and subalterns, ought not to and fifty years, have editors, read. So there will remain sub-editors, foremen, composi- eighty thousand who, though tors, and printer's devils laboured they do not choose to read, are to afford themselves honest sup- expected to do so. port, spread useful knowledge " Your petitioners, then, hum- through the land, and encourage bly pray and suggest that each the manufacture of paper, ink, of these eighty thousand souls and machinery. And there did will consent to purchase from the facetious Jemmy Carson, us four volumes annually, at editor of " The Dublin Weekly three shillings and sixpence per Journal," remind his patrons, on volume. This sum, so light on the 27th of April, 1728, of the each person, and not exceeding claims he had on their friend- the price of four bottles of claret, ship, esteem, and support. will amount in the aggregate to " The man who carries on any twenty-eight thousand pounds, useful employment among our- of which, on the faith of Chris- selves should not be without his tians, our profit will not exceed share of praise. In this respect the odd eight thousand. the (present) writer looks upon " Your petitioners finally sug- himself as no unprofitable mem- gest that this arrangement will, ber of the Commonwealth as a in all probability, remove the writer and a journalist. He disgrace which has clung to our employs a great number of city since the days of Tacitus, hands, and while he is doing who, in his third book of 'The his own business, and endea- Annals of—Ireland,' thus expresses vouring to divert his country- himself: ' Dublin is a city en- men, he is putting bread into tirely uncivilised, ignorant of all the mouths of a great many

the liberal arts and sciences, and helpless, indigent people. . . . excelling only in drunkenness, His establishment is very ex- squalor, and laziness.'" pensive, and it is maintained solely for the diversion and in- struction of his patrons. To get A MODEL DUBLIN EDITOR, news for them, and rumours of A.D. 1728. news, he has to keep secretaries, spies, agents, and even inform- Let the indulgent reader, next ers, to get the best intelligence time he passes by Saunders's for them. So that no man in Newsletter Office, look into all Hibernia knows more of all Coghill's court beside it with a the sayings and doings in every certain feeling of literary rever- place of public resort, especially ence, for there, early last cen- at the fashionable Spa of Tem- tury, Jean Cavallier, the sturdy pleogue, where all the ladies of leader of the Camissards, got his fashion and the gentlemen of narrative printed, and dedicated the beau monde do congregate. to the head of the Latouches, He has always more reputations and there, for about a hundred in his power than pounds in his 44 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. purse, and the reason of that der sometimes, but robbery phenomenon is that he does not always. traffic in faux pas and reputa- " There is for you here, if of tions. He prefers having no riper years, a sort of cloister money to having hush money." (Trinity College) where they re- Let us hope that this last as- tire to study. At least this seem- sertion of Jemmy was made in eth the original design of the good faith. The extract is from structure. What use it is now Dr. Madden's work. applied to I cannot tell thee."

A PERSIANS NOTIONS ON A DOUBLE DUEL. IRELAND. Ireland could not be said to patronise duelling more than A writer in the Medler the neighbouring nations in the Journal, 1744, gave utterance to last century. Her Hell-fire Club his sentiments on Irish law and was exceeded, at the least equal- literature in this wise in letters led in atrocity by kindred insti- to his friend Helim in Sheraz, tutions in England. Still, not-

. . . "Contrary to the usages withstanding croakers who de- of other nations these people claim against the profligacy and think nothing worthy of praise blasphemy which show their di- but what comes from abroad. minished heads in this nine- They often prefer things because teenth century, they will be foreign, to what is vastly supe- found of a mere milk-and-water rior in real worth at home. character when compared to Everything from a distant clime some hellish doings of the has many admirers even before eighteenth. Generally speak- they know its merit. ing, these are unfit for mention "Their laws seem contrived in detail in works intended for rather for the benefit of the pro- general perusal. But to our fessors of the science (of judica- duel—against which the same ture) than the advantage of the objection does not stand. clients who have recourse to Two military gentlemen, who them, the former being the only bore the surnames of Pack and persons who receive any addi- Creed, hearing much in their tion to their fortunes from them. London quarters of the perfec- " By the irregularity I have tion to which the systematic observed in the execution of mode of conducting affairs of justice on malefactors, I believe honour was brought in Ireland, there are no settled rules for it, crossed to Dublin to add to but that the infliction of punish- their own well-established credit ment lies mainly in the power at sword play. Hearing much of the magistrature. All I can of the European reputation of a say is, that a great many crimes Mr. Mathew, Major Pack de-

are punished with death : —mur- signedly hustled a chairman —

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 45 whom he met, bearing the great said to his companion, ' Creed, man to some appointment. I think we are the conquerors, Mathew, supposing it to be a for we have kept the field of mere accidental occurrence, took battle.'i For a long time their

no notice ; but soon after a lives were despaired of, but, to friend of his, Mr. Macnamara, the astonishment of every one, another swordsman of great both recovered. When they skill, heard him (Mr. Pack) were able to see company, Ma- boasting in a coffee-room of his thew and his friend attended exploit, and of the tameness of them daily, and a close intimacy Mr. Mathew on the occasion. afterwards ensued, as they found Immediately Mr. Macnamara them men of probity and of the took up the cause of his absent best dispositions, except in this friend, attributed the non-notice C)uixotic idea of duelling, where- of the affront to its proper cause, of they were now perfectly and a meeting was arranged to cured." {Streets of Dublin!) take place in a large room in the tavern where the officers were lodging. Before the trial began, A COLLEGE TRAGEDY. Macnamara observed, that it was out of his power to stand Though we give preference idly by during a single combat, in our collection to incidents and asked Captain Creed to be and events of an agreeable or his vis-d-vis during the battle. humorous character, we are in- It was the very most welcome duced to give reception to the request he could make, and the following tragic occurrence, so four men engaged with right unusual in its circumstances, good will to their work. The and jarring so fearfully with the strife was long, most skilfully character of the scene in which conducted, and most desperate. it occurred. At last Mr. Creed fell covered The Rev. Edward Ford, M.A., with wounds, and the Major, Junior Fellow of Trinity College, much concerned, cried out, "Ah ! was the reverse of popular " poor Creed, are you gone ? among the students. They Yes," said Mathew, " and (then showed their dislike to him with perpetrating the only pun he every opportunity, and, at last, ever attempted) you shall soon on the 6th of March, 1734, pack after him." An effective some of them, probably under lunge followed the grim joke, the influence of liquor, attacked and Pack was laid beside Creed. his v/indows between twelve and Both combatants were in such a one o'clock at night. He impru- dangerous state, that the surgeon dently opened one of the windows ordered beds to be put up for and discharged a pistol charged them in the same room. with large shot. The assailants "When they came to them- dispersed, but soon returned, selves, and saw where they provided with fire-arms, and were, Pack, in a feeble voice, attacked the windows anew. 46 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

Again he opened the window, by sincere repentance, and fer- and was preparing to fire, when vent prayer for pardon. he received two shots full in the Parsons read the letter care- face and breast. These proved fully, ordered it to be put in a mortal, and he expired in three- new cover, and directed to the quarters of an hour. Before his Earl of Kildare, his neighbour. departure he said to those Calling in the Dean's messenger, about him, " Tell the scholars he prevailed on him, by a pre- that I beg their pardon for sent of two guineas, to have it offences that I may have given presented at Kildare House, them, and assure them that then in Suffolk Street, and to I sincerely forgive them." say nothing to any one on the (Abridged from " Irish Periodi- subject. cal Literature.") The Earl of Kildare was the very opposite to Lord Rosse in nearly every particular. He was a model man with respect to the A DEATH-BED PRACTI- social and domestic virtues, but CAL JOKE. of a retiring and exclusive dispo- sition. Displeased and shocked Richard Parsons, first Earl at the subject-matter of the of Rosse, belonged to that class epistle, he showed it to his wife of free livers to whom allusion (Lady Mary O'Brien before mar- was made a page or two back, and riage), and asked her if she did who took a sort of pride in not consider the writer as a man being spoken of as contemners beside himself. She said there of all laws, human and divine. was no mark of madness about He was what another remark- the composition, and advised able individual of his school was him to show it to Dr. Hoadly, called, "a Fanfaron of vice." the Archbishop. His fund of animal spirits seemed The great dignitary was nearly

inexhaustible ; he was generous, as surprised and displeased as and most prodigal of that spe- the Earl himself, and sent at cies of wit which is allied to once for the Dean. On his ap- irreverence and obscenity. Being pearance, the Archbishophanded near his end, which had been him the letter, and asked if he hastened by his evil practices, had written it. "What could and lying on his death-bed in have induced you to make a Moles worth Street, Rev. John communication implying the Madden, Dean of Kilmore, and possession of such evil qualities Vicar of St. Ann's, in which pa- in the person addressed?"—" It rish his house lay, wrote him a was a disagreeable office, my feeling letter, under cover, al- lord, but I felt I was barely luding to particulars of his doing my duty."—" Are you wicked career, and lovingly im- aware that you are liable to be ploring him to turn to profit the prosecuted in the ecclesiastical short time yet at his disposal, court, and perhaps be deprived — ;

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 47

of your offices ? "—" Whatever Jones, at Moneyglas, about the may befall me, I must take com- year 1727, and had for sleeping fort in the fact of having done neighbour the celebrated musi- my duty." The conversation cian, Torloch Carolan. Being went on but little further. The kept awake one night by a hum- Archbishop dismissed the Dean ming of Carolan's voice, and in high displeasure, and the Earl the strumming of his harp in applied to the proctor to serve a the next room, he perceived citation on the wayward clergy- that he was composing a new man. melody. He caught the air, Meantime, Hoadly, pitying and sitting down at his desk the case of the Dean, whose life when he had thoroughly mas- and character had been of the tered it, he finished off some most edifying character up to verses in its metre. Next morn- this unfortunate affair, paid him ing, after breakfast, the blind a visit, re-introduced the sub- musician entertained the family ject, and, after some conversa- and guests with the fine compo- tion abounding in cross pur- sition executed on his harp, poses, besought him to write a accompanying the melody with befitting letter of apology to the some indifferent English words, offended party. " My lord, how his knowledge of any language am I to ask the pardon of a man but the native Irish being very who died four days ago?"— limited. After due applause had " The Earl of Kildare dead?" been awarded to the gifted min- " No, my lord, but the late Earl strel, Dawson cried out against of Rosse. How comes Lord their mistake. " I composed Kildare into the matter?" By that melody," said he, " long dint of cautious inquiries, and a since, and adapted to the air a careful examination of the faith- few verses, which I shall now less servant, everything was sing for you." He forthwith satisfactorily cleared up, but the sung, with skill and sweetness, bribed messenger was dis- five verses, of which we furnish charged. All this occurred in three, the other two being ad- the end of June, 1741, and the dressed to lawyers and physi- circumstances, given in more cians. detail, may be read in Mr. Gil-

bert's work. ' Ye good fellows all, Who love to be told Where there's claret good store, Attend to the call Of one who's ne'er frighted, A BUMPER, SQUIRE But greatly delighted With six bottles more. JONES I Be sure you don't pass The good house, Moneyglas, Which the jolly red god Arthur Dawson, a gentle- So peculiarly owns man of talent and great powers 'Twill well suit your humour, of humour, was enjoying the For, pray what would you more Thrm mirth with good claret, hospitality of Thomas Morris And bumpers, Squire Jones ? — —

48 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

" Ye poets who write, And brag of your drinking Famed Helicon's brook, KANE CPHARA. Though all you get by't Is a dinner oft-times, In Molesworth Street, in the In reward for your rhymes, early part of the reign of George With Humphrey the duke,* Learn Bacchus to follow, III., dwelt the author of "Mi- quit your Apollo And ; das," the wit and music of Forsake all the muses, which the greater portion of These senseless old drones ; Our jingling of glasses our readers must have enjoyed. Your rhyming surpasses, In 1759, Midas was first pro- When crowned with good claret, And bumpers, Squire Jones. duced among the private theatri- cals at the house of Mr. Brown- :< Ye soldiers so stout, With plenty of oaths, low, of Lurgan. It was pre- Though no plenty of coin, sented to the public at Crow Who make such a rout Street in 1762. The author is Of all your commanders, Who served us in Flanders, described by a contemporary as And eke at the Boyne, " an old fop in appearance, Come, leave off your rattling spectacles an anti- Of sieging and battling, wearing and And know you'd much better quated wig, but, notwithstand- sleep in whole bones. To ing, a polite, sensible, agreeable Were you sent to Gibraltar, Your note you'd soon alter, man, chief modulator in all When crowned with good claret fashionable entertainments, the And bumpers, Squire Jones." very pink of gentility and good breeding. He was so tall that, The song was received with among his intimate friends, he shouts of laughter and applause, got the sobriquet of St. Patrick's but Carolan was almost beside steeple. The last line of an himself with wonder and rage. Italian glee then popular, However, the good-natured man " Che no' hanno crudelta," did not leave him long in his

misery. He owned the source was thus parodied : of his inspiration, but the com- " Kane O'Hara's cruel tall." pany found it hard to decide whether the composer or the The amiable "Fanatico per poet deserved the higher com- la musica " kept a puppet-show mendation. In Dawson's later for the amusement of his young capacity of law baron, he rivalled friends. On the 25th of Octo- Counsellor Pleydell (see " Guy ber, 1802, the burletta began a Mannering ") in ability, wit, and career of twenty-seven nights at good nature. It was his delight Drury Lane. His other pro- to join in the pastimes of chil- ductions were " The Golden dren. Pippin," "The Two Misers," "April Day," and "Tom * Humphrey Duke of Gloucester en- ; " last adapted joyed after his death a monument and a Thumb this walk in old St. Paul's, which walk was a from Fielding, and furnished resort for Jianeitrs and dinnerless people with songs. in hope of a chance invitation ; hence the expression above quoted. O'Hara was also author of — —

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 49 an unfinished jeu d'esprit, en- Even so the great Charles titled i G?'igri, a true history, Lucas, apothecary, deinde libe- translated from the Japonese rator of Ireland, could not afford into Portuguese by Didacquez to share any portion of an Irish- Hadeczuca, companion to a man's privileges with one who missionary at Yeddo, from Por- made the sign of the cross on tuguese into French by the his forehead. Abbe du-Pot-a-Beurre, almoner In the " Freeman's Journal," to a Dutch vessel on the whale 14th March, 1767, appeared the fishery, and now, lastly, from following paragraph : the French into English, by the " On Wednesday night, a Rev. Dr. Finane, chaplain to Papist mass-house, which was an Irish regiment in the Turkish kept at the back part of a service. Forbidden by the tradesman's house near Salt- Fathers of the Holy Inquisition, Petre Bank, was suppressed. and by all the States and Poten- About twenty mean-dressed tates upon the earth to be people, with the priest, were printed anywhere, yet printed assembled, but on the alarm of and published for the translator peace officers, made their escape here, there, and everywhere, at a back door." sine ullo firivilegio? The MS. This furnished a befitting text of this production was presented to Lucas, who on the 1 8th of the by the author, in 1762, to his succeeding month thus chari- intimate friend, Thomas Ken- tably expressed himself in the nedy, Esq. of Clondalkin Castle, same paper : County Dublin, whose descend- " Every body knows the un- ants permitted it to be published limited power which the popish in ' The Irish Monthly Maga- priests exercise over the minds zine for 1832.'" {Streets of of their people. A fellow after Dublin^ half-a-dozen murders and rob- beries, goes to death with great composure, provided the priest THE CLOWN WHO ENGROS- assures him of salvation, which SED ALL THE GOOD assurance is ordinarily pur- THINGS TO HIMSELF. chased with a good part of the plunder, for which he suffered Dobson to Hodson.—Of all death. What I propose then things in the world, what would is, —that no popish priest be suf- you ask for, if it was sure to be fered on any pretence whatso- granted ? ever to enter the walls of New- Hodson to Dobson.—To swing gate, unless sent thither for his

on a gate all day, and eat fat crimes ; and in that case, that bacon. And what would you he be kept apart, and not be ask for ? permitted to converse even by Dobson to Hodson,—Ah you signs with the other criminals, selfish fellow, you kept all the neither allowed to attend them good things to yourself. at the gallows, nor exchange a 5° MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

word with them in their passage nessed his kissing of the ring. thither." This was his last farewell to We wish no worse evil to any bachelorhood. admirer of the good old times than to study carefully the ac- count of the domestic economy of the prisons of Dublin, New- LUCAS'S COFFEE-HOUSE & gate, the Black Dog, &c. in the ITS FREQUENTERS. last century as given in the " Streets of Dublin," by Mr. Gilbert. {Irish Quarterly Re- This gay resort on Cork Hill, view, xii., December, 1853.) adjacent the castle, "was usu- ally crowded by the city beaux, dressed in all that was fine and THE CAPTAIN OF THE gay, with prim queues or Martial BULL-RING. Eugene wigs, bugled waistcoats, Steinkirk breast ruffles, and gold The inhabitants of Old Dub- clocks in their silk stockings. lin showed not a whit more in- They strutted about the coffee- tellectuality in their public en- house, read the newspapers, tertainments than was possessed sipped coffee, rolled to the park by that rough favourite of Queen or play-house in a chair or Elizabeth, Lord Hunsdon. (See coach and six, and passed a part Kenilworth.) In the Corn Mar- of the evenings either in the gal- ket they baited their bulls, and leries of the houses of parlia- the ring which secured the poor ment or in the theatres, where animal's chains was an object of the stage was thronged with veneration in their sight. them on benefit nights. A young man in general esti- The insane rage for duelling mation was appointed mayor of which pervaded Europe at the this bull ring, and the unmarried time extended to Ireland, and men of the city rendered him a the hot politics of the time ren- species of allegiance, and twice dered single combats as frequent in the year he superintended a in Dublin as in Paris or London. Wappen-Schau at their head. The yard behind Lucas's coffee He was supposed to look after house was the place to which the morals of his corps, and the fiery disputants usually re- would at times punish any dis- tired to settle their differences. orderly young fellow, who pub- The company flocked to the licly offended against morality. windows to see that the laws of When a marriage took place, honour were strictly observed, the Bull-ring Chief with his offi- and to bet upon the survivor of cers led the bridegroom to the the unhappy men, who were bull-ring after the ceremony was crossing their swords beneath in performed, and at the conclusion deadly conflict." {Streets of of some proceedings marked by Dublin.) a certain ludicrous errnvitv. wit- MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 5i

author of " The Cock and An- HOW DR. THOMAS SHERI- chor," " Uncle Silas," " Check- DAN WON A WIFE. mate," and several other superior works of fiction, is the great The above named gentleman, grandson of that amiable and father of Richard Brinsley Sheri- gifted lady. dan, incurred the displeasure of their high mightinesses, the beaux and bucks, who patronised ROBhV ADAIR. Lucas, by protecting " at point of Fox ,; a young actress, whom The hotel of Owen Bray at one of their number arrogantly Loughlinstown, was as popular insulted behind the scenes. They a place of resort in its way as would have made a wreck of Lucas's in the city. It was ex- Smock Alley theatre, had they tensively patronised by all the gentlemen of the Kilruddery their wicked will. What ! a player dare to interfere with the Hunt, whose Magnus Apollo will and pleasure of the great was the hospitable Earl of Meath. Mr. Kelly of Galway, one privi- Had we space at our disposal leged to sit on a stool on the we would present our readers stage, and treat the actresses as with the entire song, which com- if he were the Grand Turk and memorated the prowess of the convivial and sporting body they his odalisques ! The social and legal war raged for some above-named. It is supposed to time. The newspapers were all be the composition of Owen occupied with the dispute, and himself : we quote one quatrain. it is satisfactory that the Bashaw " A pack of such hounds, and a set of such of Connaught suffered a defeat men, in the courts. Mr. Sheridan was 'Tis a shrewd chance if ever you meet with again. much gratified while the paper Had Nimrod, the mightiest of hunters, war was in full heat, with the been there, 'Fore Gad, he had shook like an aspen spirit of some articles, in which for fear." his cause was strenuously sup- ported. He traced the author- John Adair of Kilternan was ship to a Miss Frances Cham- a foremost man after the fox, berlayne, a beautiful and intel- and over the bottle. Such was lectual young lady, to whom he the prowess of himself and his obtained an introduction for the comrades, that if we can trust a purpose of expressing his grate- poet of that day, Old Chronos ful sense of her goodness. That himself came to Kilternan House interview led to others, and in to test their powers of absorp- due time and place a happy tion. The servant not approv- union was the result (1747). Mrs. ing his dilapidated appearance, Sheridan was the authoress of was about shutting the door in the Eastern Story Nowya/iad, his face, but when he urged that Sidney Biddnlph, a novel, and he was in need of a glass, wide a couple of comedies. The it flew. F 2 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

' Jack Adair was at table with six of his in the presence of the waiters. friends, Who for making him drunk now were He then began to huzza with all

making amends ; his might. The defeated man Time hoped at his presence none there returned to the city as soon as was affronted : ' Sit down, boy,' says Jack, 'and pre- he recovered from the debauch, hunted.' pare to be but the report of his defeat fol- They drank hand to fist for six hours or

lowed him ; and every one per- Till down tumbled Time, and began for secuted him with the query,

' — Ken ye ane Robin Adair ' I Five gallons of claret they poured on his V

head, ken the de'il, ' was his invariable And were going to take the old flincher answer."

In a note in " The Streets of BUCK WHALLEY. Dublin " is preserved an account by a Frenchman of a Bacchic This eccentric gentleman, victory won by a relative of whose mansion in Stephen's Jack's, namely, Robin. The Green, adorned by a couchant following is a free translation of lion over the door, is now redo- the French text. lent of the labours of the profes- " Here (at Kilternan), lived sors and students of the Catholic that Robert so celebrated in University, lived so fast in his Irish and Scotch songs. I have own house, and Lucas's, and seen his portrait. He was grand- still worse places, that he soon father of Lord Molesworth and got to his journey's end, as far Sir Robert Hodson, Master of as enjoyment of existence was Hollybrook. A bibulous Scotch concerned. He thought it ad- chief hearing of the Bacchic ex- visable to seek excitement in ploits of Robert Adair, came ex- foreign climes, especially as the press from Scotland to defy him visits of his wine, horse, silk, at the bottle ; on his landing, he cloth, and meat merchants had began to inquire in his jargon of become tiresome from frequent every one he met, ' Ken ye ane repetition. So he laid a wager Robin Adair?' He soon found that he would have a game of him out (he was at table at the ball against the walls of Jerusa- time), and mentioned his busi- lem, and he performed his vow ness. ' Let us decide the dis- as far as setting forth on the pute on the spot,' said Adair. journey, and executing it to the ' No, everything is ready at my letter, was concerned. During hotel at Bray.' Thither the the Viceroyalty of the Duke of champions repaired, and began Buckingham a volume of poems the contest, but on emptying the was published (circa 1790), enti- tenth bottle, the Scotchman was tled " Both Sides of the Gutter," laid under the table. Adair and one piece was devoted to drew him out, rang the bell, and the triumphant departure of the sitting astride on the poor Scot, great man. We venture to give he emptied the eleventh bottle our readers a taste of its quality. ; ;

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 53

:l Buck Whalley, lacking much some cash, And being used to cut a dash, HIS He wagered full ten thousand pound, TOTTENHAM IN He'd visit soon the Holy Ground. BOOTS. In Loftus's fine ship He said he'd take a trip, Parliament (it And Costello so famed, While the The Captain then was named. could scarcely be called Na- tional) sat in College Green, From Park Street down through College Green, wonderful to relate, the Chan- This grand procession now was seen. cellor of the Exchequer had it The boxing chairmen first moved on in his power to report a surplus, To clear away the vulgar throng ; Then Whalley debonair and of course the ministerial Marched forward with his bear, members wished it to be applied And Lawler too was there, Which made Lord Naas to stare. to a non-national purpose, while the Irish party would employ it

Next Heydon in her z'is-a-z'is, for the benefit of the country. paint ribbons, smile and glee With and ; The tug was strenuous on this As aid-de-camp, close by her side, the time for tak- Long Bob the Turkeycock did ride, side and that ; And Guildford's lord came next, ing the votes was rapidly ap- Who seemed extremely vext proaching, members were ur- To see the lady's nob So very close to Bob. gently pressed to be at their posts, and Mr. Tottenham, the

Then came French valets two and two ; independent member for New By garlic you'd have smelt the crew ; And large as any Shetland hog. Ross, then at his seat at Totten- Came Watch the black Newfoundland ham Green, near Taghmon, was dog. A Swiss bore in the train written for in hot haste. He with a chain A baboon ; was out riding when he received The striped post-chaise came by With Zara and with Fly. the warning, and the moment after making himself master of His creditors, poor men, were there, its contents, he turned his horse's And in their looks you'd see despair. head to Dublin, and rode end- For bailiffs he cared not a straw, of A member being above the law. long without stay to partake Cuffe from the barrack board sleep, or even food, but what was Swore by Great Temple Lord of absolute necessity, till he This action to requite, Tom should be dubbed a knight. reached College Green, the dis- tance ridden being about ninety The boxing bishop, and at his back, Jack Coffey, alias Paddy Whack. English miles. He could not His Grace had come, long may he live tell whether he was late or not His benediction for to give ! so, without going to his lodgings He trod, though did not know, On Napper Tandy's toe, to make a change of dress, he Who lent His Grace a clout, presented himself in hot haste And so they boxed it out. at the door of the House of From Cork see Tom Fitzgerald steers, Commons. The guardian op- His boat now trimmed in its best gears, posed his entrance in his unpar- To give Beau Whalley an escort, liamentary trim, and with his And see him safely out of port And in a fishing-boat sword dangling at his side. "If Astern was Lundy Foot, you oppose my entrance," said With all his funny boys To make a roaring noise." the wearied and agitated man, 54 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

" you shall get some inches of favour in Dr. Patrick's eyes, he cold steel in your body." Cer- published his Pnuiceriana, in berus was forced to yield the ridicule of it, and added his pass, and one side of the House " Lachrymas Academics " there- had the joy, and the other the to, to open the eyes of the world mortification of seeing the tra- to the inefficacy, and errors, and vel-soiled and booted member bad management of the College pass up between them. " Tot- authorities. tenham in his boots" made what Shaking the dust of the Col- Mr. Disraeli calls a good cry lege off his soles to the great (see Coningsby), and was a comfort of the Provost and Fel- standing toast among the Na- lows, he became in succession tionalists for many a day. King's counsel, judge of the Prerogative Court, King's advo- cate to the High Court of Admi- 'AN INGENIOUS BUT ralty, and, as the " Evening SLIGIITI Y REPREHENSI- Post " expressed, " one of Lord BLE DEVICE. Castlereagh's Commissioners for Bribing Members of Parlia- "The Dublin Journal," dur- ment." Moreover, he arrived at ing the fifty years of its founder's the dignity of member of par-

management, 1 725-1 775, was liament for Armagh. His reve- conducted in an independent nues were large, and yet he left and impartial style, but towards but little property behind him. the end of the century it became Dr. Madden, who does anything the property of a Mr. Gifiard, to but revere Dr. Patrick's memory, whose heart Turk, or Jew, or conjectures that he must have Atheist was more welcome than parted with, much money for an indocile papist. Contempo- charitable purposes. rary with this worthy was the On the occasion of a question once much-spoken-of Dr. Pat- on the Catholic claims being rick Duigenan, who, born of about to come before the House obscure Roman Catholic pa- of Commons, Dr. Duigenan fell rents, and bred, up to early asleep in the smoking-room, • manhood, in their faith, became and while in that state some Scholar, and then Fellow of Tri- unprincipled joker chalked a nity College. Dr. Patrick not large cross on his hat. On only quarrelled with the faith awaking he hastened into the as- and politics of his poor rela- sembly, and soon became aware tions, he quarrelled with the of being the occasion of mer- provost, and every one who did riment to all within view of him. not fall down and adopt his His annoyance on discovering opinions, which were as vari- the obnoxious symbol so strictly able as his fortunes. The Pro- connected with his own portly vost designed to establish a presence, is not to be de- riding school for the use of the scribed. students, but this not finding His death occurred on the MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 55

first of April, 1816, and Vincent Dowling, a reporter, was re- SOME OF BARRY'S ECCEN- minded by the date to execute a TRICITIES. practical joke which another might not have thought of. This great and enthusiastic He wrote to his friend, Patrick artist was a native of Cork, but " Vincent Fitzpatrick, a circum- it is more than doubtful if the beautiful city" possesses stantial account of the last ill- a copy ness and death of the great of any one of his paintings. man, dwelling on daily visits to Having finished at an early age, his bedside by a reserved, down- in fact the latest stage of boy- " looking, thin personage, attired hood, The Baptism of Aongus of in black, and marvellously re- King Munster* by St. Pa- trick," travelled sembling a Jesuit. At last, after he up to Dublin a very prolonged visit of this with it, and it was graciously mysterious stranger, the servants allowed a place in the school of entered the bed-room, found the design of the Royal Dublin Doctor dead, and a very decided Society. Edmund Burke acci- smell of brimstone pervading dentally examining it one day, the atmosphere of the apart- was struck by the originality and ment. ability evident in the compo- Mr. Fitzpatrick on receiving sition, and asked the curator the name of the artist. " did the account, took it to the office He of the " Dublin Chronicle " in not know, but it was brought to the that Suffolk Street, and next day place by pock-marked — Tell Dublin was divided between joy, boy." " me, my boy, who painted fine ? "— I sorrow, and confusion. Mr. Gif- —that piece " fard, then proprietor of the did, sir." " You, and so young ! " Dublin Journal," behaved with It can't be possible." Poor Barry burst into much spirit on the occasion. He tears, and hung from the drawing-room walked rapidly out of the room. window of the office a large pla- But the good Edmund had him card, on which in letters visible brought back, gave him kind at an amazing distance, he gave and consoling words, and be- a decided contradiction to the friended him then, and after- in report. Still those who revered wards London. the Doctor's memory were not at ease, and when the body * Thus runs the legend. During the sacred rite, the saint struck his spiked arrived in the Dublin corpora- travelling-staff into the ground, as he sup- tion declined to assist at the posed ; but it took the King's instep in its funeral. So the obsequies were way, and pierced it through, without causing any movement or cry on his side. performed in a private manner, The sacrament being administered, and much to the grief and disgust of the saint discovering what he had done, exclaimed in the deepest emotion, "Oh! many of the great man's ad- why did you not make me— aware of this mirers. terrible accident sooner?" " I thought it was part of the rite," answered the pious convert. At the saint's prayer the wound was instantly healed. —

56 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

Sir Joshua Reynolds always and dirt had not covered. His recommended the great heroic wig was one which you might style in his lectures to the have supposed he had borrowed students, but practised, himself, from a scare-crow. All round the painting of portraits, and it there projected a fringe of his grew rich and famous. Barry own grey hair. He lived alone by neglecting his practice, and in a house, which was never strictly following his advice, re- cleaned, and he slept on a bed- mained in indigence. Inhabi- stead with no other furniture tants of London have an oppor- than a blanket nailed to one tunity of examining specimens side. I wanted him to visit me. of his genius at the Adelphi. ' No, he could not spare time by Dublin folk may gratify their day to go out from his great curiosity by a visit to the en- picture, and if he went out in the trance hall of the schools of the evening, the academicians would Royal Dublin Society, where waylay and murder him.' In hangs a large painting of a scene this solitary sullen life he con- from " Cymbeline," in Avhich the tinued till he fell ill, probably unprincipled and crafty Iachimo for want of nourishing food, and and the pure-minded Imogen after lying two or three days are characteristically presented. under his blanket, he had just Elected a royal academician, strength enough left to crawl to he and his fellows could not get his own door, open it, and lay on harmoniously together. As himself down with a paper in he wished for one thing to be his hand, on which he had done, and all the rest were written his wish to be carried to anxious for the very opposite the house of Mr. Carlisle (Sir thing to be done, of course they Anthony) in Soho Square. There were in a certain sense in the he was taken care of, and the right, and Barry was ejected danger from which he had es- from the body, no one but honest caped seems to have cured him Nollekens protesting against the of his mental hallucinations. He proceeding. This and the rob- cast his slough afterwards, ap- bery of his house on two occa- peared decently dressed, and in sions, rendered the poor solitary his own grey hair, and mixed in artist partially insane. Of his such society as he liked. A neglect of personal appearance, little before his death, he had and the wretchedness of his with much persuasion been in- condition, Robert Southey thus duced to pass a night at some wrote : person's house in the country. " I knew Barry, and have When he came down to break- been admitted into his den in fast next morning, and was asked his worst (that is his noblest) how he had rested, he said, days. He wore at that time an 1 Remarkably well. He had not old coat of green baize, from slept in sheets for many years, which time had taken all the and really he thought it a very green, that incrustations of paint comfortable thing.' The great MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 57 ?"— but wayward artist died in 1806 not to drink spirits " Yes, at the age of sixty-five. Much to be sure. One naggin would information concerning the man enable me—to hold out an hour and his works is given in Mr. or more." " You did not make Gilbert's " Streets of Dublin." a vow against eating the "— ? ! How (" Irish Ouarterly Review," No. liquor " Nonsense — 10). could that be done?" "Wait a moment. Ask for a few SIR TOBY BUTLER. minutes' respite, and see what This able lawyer, a worthy will happen." He withdrew, and precursor of John Philpot Cur- shortly returned with a fresh ran, did much good in his day penny roll in his hand. The by defending those Roman Ca- opposite party were not much tholic or Protestant Jacobites discouraged at the sight of the who had got into trouble under counsellor taking his dry re- the precious penal laws. The freshment, but if they were patriotic andgood-heartedlawyer aware of a full naggin of whisky was not exempt from the failing having been absorbed in the hot so prevalent in his day among soft inside, it would be otherwise. gentlemen, a leaning to strong When the simple luncheon was drink. After suffering no small out of sight, Sir Theobald fell loss and inconvenience from the to like any refreshed giant, out- cup which cheers, but, alas, did even himself in logic and inebriates also, he recorded a eloquence, went on for half an vow in some form against drink- hour, aye, and would have held ing spirits. When he had bravely out an hour and a half if the docu- adhered to his resolution for ment had not then timely arrived. some time, he happened to be The man in the dock was set engaged in the defence of a free, and Sir Theobald was person obnoxious to the laws of overpowered with thanks and the day, and after much exertion congratulations on his wonder- found his powers of endurance ful display. The monument of exhausted. The worst of the the great lawyer is to be seen in matter was that the friends of the ancient churchyard of St. the accused were at the moment James's parish. absent in search of a much needed document, and could "THE DEIES IN HELL, OR not possibly be on return in less DUBLLN CITYP than half or three quarters of an hour. The wearied coun- The Law Courts which the sellor communicated to a friend, foreign visitor now admires on in a whisper, the prostration in the left bank of the Liffey, were which he found himself, and his not built in Sir Toby Butler's fears that the cause would be day. He pleaded in a building lost. " Ah," said he, " only for which stood on the west side of my unlucky vow this would not Fishamble Street, and in the have happened."— " Your vow neighbourhood of Christ Church —

58 .MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

Cathedral. The entrance to locality called as above was so what might have been called designated in almanacs, grave " The Lawyers' Close " was in guide books, or business docu- Fishamble Street, under an ments. In these it bore the archway, on the top of which name of " Christ Church Yard." a figure of the devil, sculptured in hard oak, had everything to HOW SIR RICHARD STEELE itself. The inner place abounded GO T HIMSELF PREA CHED in houses of entertainment, AT. lawyers' chambers, and toy shops, much patronised by little Few of our readers require to boys. If Falstaff had wished be informed of the contributions for a commodity of bad instead of Sir Richard to " The Specta- of good names, he might have tor " nor of his own periodical obtained them in Dublin. We " The Tattler," nor of his had, not long since, " Cutpurse " Christian Hero," nor of his Row," and we still possess sound views in respect to " Cheaters' Lane," " Cut-throat morality and religion, nor of Alley," and " Murdering Lane," his own want of ordinary thrift and the little world over whose and prudence. Sir Richard was entrance the devil displayed his born in Dublin, A.D. 1672, and tail and horns was appropriately after a life of prodigality, straits, termed Hell. Within its pre- and discomfort, died in Wales, cincts Sir Theobald and his in 1729. We record one of the friends, fellow counsellors, and many small annoyances which their attorneys held many a fell in his way. consultation and drinking-bout. While fitting up a large room But when the courts were re- in York Buildings, for the pur- moved, and the upper part of pose of the delivery of orations, Fishamble Street widened, the he managed, as was his custom, wicked-looking image came both of forenoons and after- down, and was converted into noons, to be behindhand with snuff-boxes and other conveni- his workmen. One day, wish- ences much prized by those who ing to test the capabilities of his were lucky enough to secure hall of oratory, he directed one them. The head and horns of the workmen to get into the became the coveted property of rostrum and make a speech, no an antiquary of the city, and matter what the subject, in are probably still extant. No order that he might judge of Dublin citizen was in the slight- the audibility or the reverse of est degree disturbed when read- the words there uttered. The ing an advertisement in his man unwillingly got into the morning paper thus worded : undesirable post, looked down " To be let, furnished apart- sheepishly, scratched his head, ments in Hell. N.B.—They are and vowed he knew not what to well suited to a lawyer." It say. " Oh," said the knight, must not be supposed that the " you need not search for a sub- | ;

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 59

enters ordinary treatment, the indig- ject ; the first thing that your head will do." — " Thank'ee, nant creditor betook himself to Sir Richard. Then I make bold the gallery of the theatre one to say, Sir Richard, that we evening, and patiently waiting have been working for you for there till the artist had got six weeks, Sir Richard, and through an encore, he sung these never saw the colour of your two lines and a chorus in the money, Sir Richard. When," measure of Mr. Johnstone's continued he, raising his voice, lay:- us, Sir "do you intend to pay " Jack Johnstone, Jack Johnstone, you

Richard ? "—"That will do my owe me, you owe me ; Jack Johnstone, you owe me ten and a good fellow, I have heard penny." enough. You speak very dis- Chorus, &c. \ I do not tinctly, indeed, but The very commonplace dis- approve of the subject matter." tich was greeted with much laughter in pit and boxes, and A SPEECH FROM THE with laughter and great applause UPPER GALLERY. in the galleries, the denizens of which demanded an encore. incident of the same de- An This the unpaid performer very scription occurred to the come- willingly gave, and a third and dian, John Johnstone, or, as he fourth to still increasing applause was called, " Irish Johnstone," and seemed satisfied to comply to distinguish him from York- with the call of the house till shire Johnson, who was such a one o'clock in the morning, only favourite with Dublin audiences for a parcel of coins slipped for more than a quarter of this into his left hand by a stage Irish Johnstone was century. messenger. Thereupon he made an excellent singer, and one of his first and last bow in Crow of the best representatives an a seat, Street ; and quietly took Irish gentleman that has trod unwilling to depart without full the boards for a century. Some value for his shilling expended admirers of his vocal powers, at the door. when he was serving as a com- mon soldier, obtained his dis- FATHER (JLEARY. charge, and procured him an engagement in the theatre. This worthy and witty priest, While performing in Crow who was born in the western Street one season, he happened part of the county of Cork, a.d. to get on the debtor side of 1729, and died in London in the books of the keeper of 1802, had the rare good fortune a fives-court in the neighbour- of being loved and reverenced hood of Castle Street, and no by his own flock, and the Irish eloquence on the worthy man's Catholic body generally, and part was sufficient to induce also of being respected by all him to settle the account. See- his Protestant acquaintance. ing the case hopeless under He also engaged the esteem of 6o MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. the governing powers for his is. Having nothing better on unceasing efforts to keep his which to fix our thoughts, we people in their allegiance. A were speculating whether this Mr. Blair, a Scotch physician, dog of mine, if he had liberty of settled in Cork, published a book choice, and a small quantity of against revealed religion, which judgment, would join himself to brought forth the learned friar's the Protestants, the Catholics, or "— powers in defence of the truth. the Jews ? " A question easily His answer gave much satisfac- decided," said the Franciscan. tion among Protestants of every " He would not be a Catholic, as shade of belief. He also had a not approving abstinence from configuration with Dr. Wood- meat on Friday. He has a ward, Bishop of Cloyne, and decided taste for pork ; ergo, he another with Rev. John Wesley, would not be a Jew. So it is and softened down considerably only waste of words to name an intolerant spirit which per- the party he would join." vaded portions of their essays. He had consulted Dr. Watson, A WILFUL MISTAKE. Protestant Bishop of Limerick, At a meeting of the English before publishing his defence of Catholic body, Lord Petre, the Christianity in answer to Mr. chairman, fancying that the Blair, and that dignitary is said father in his speech was dealing to have been well pleased with too much with irrelevant matter, his execution of the work. Per- moreover, matter calculated to haps the most uncharitable ex- produce disunion in the as- pression that can be found in sembly, interrupted him with the. good father's tracts is his the remark, " Mr. O'Leary, I hint to Bishop Woodward, who regret much to see that you are showed an unmistakable dislike out of order."—" I thank you to purgatory. " However cla- for your anxiety, my Lord," an- morous," he observes, " a mitred swered the speaker, "but I assure divine may be about a Popish you I was never in better health purgatory, he may perhaps go in my life." The merriment farther, and fare worse." which ensued removed whatever tendency there might have been CHOICE OF A RELIGION. to a want of unanimity. One day when walking along A FRIEND IN COURT. a street in Cork, he met two of his friends, Rev. Mr. Flack, a As might be supposed, Curran Protestant clergyman, and Mr. and O'Leary could not come in Solomons, a Jew, arm in arm, contact without experiencing and earnestly discussing some respect and friendship for each subject. Making inquiry con- other. Once in their uncon- cerning the subject matter of strained, after-dinner chat, the the debate, Mr. Flack answered: Counsellor exclaimed to the " " A ridiculous subject indeed it Friar, Reverend Father, I wish MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 61 you were St. Peter."—" And few prods on sensitive portions " why so, Counsellor ? —" Be- of his frame, and these brought cause, being master of the keys, out a succession of angry sounds, you might let me in."—" I de- which the priest recognised as clare to you, that it were better fearful curses delivered in Irish. for you if I had the keys of the He slipped out, called on the other place in my possession, mayor, and informed him that a for then I could let you out." live Irishman was at the moment exhibiting as a bear in such a THE BEAR THA T SPOKE place. Both gentlemen pro- IRISH ceeded at once to the exhibition, and the priest approaching the Once, as Father O'Leary was performing animal as near as returning home from St. Omers, was convenient, asked him in he made a short stay at Bou- his own vernacular, " How are logne-sur-Mer. Taking a pro- you, Paddy ? (Cionas tha thu) ?" menade he was induced by a and was promptly, perhaps in- placard to visit a booth where advertently, answered, "Well, I the most wonderful bear ever thank you {Thaim go maith; heard of was being exhibited. go raibh maith aguth)" The The exhibition was well worth questioner then turned to the the few sous paid for admission. civic chief, and reported pro- Bruin would write with his paw gress, and poor Pat was in a on the sanded floor the hour of very short time uncased from the day, would bow his head, his bearish envelope by a handy and lay his right paw on his practitioner brought by the breast when bade to pay his mayor. According as his respects to any well-looking human form went on develop- woman, would execute a step or ing itself more and more in its two on his hind legs, throw up primitive nakedness, the female his fore legs, and cry, " Vive le portion of the audience began to Roi " as well as any bear in decamp, and very soon a suit- Europe. After executing some able covering had to be provided things wonderful in their way, for the poor fellow. His story he began to get tired of the ex- was soon told. The sailors, his hibition, lay down in a sulky present masters, had found him mood, and would do nothing, floating in the Bay of Biscay on though spoken to in a very a hen-coop, which he had fortu- angry fashion. His exhibitor, nately made his own when ship- seeing threats in vain, spoke wrecked. He could only speak kindly to him, and he conde- Irish, and they French. They scended to give a few more gave him food, and otherwise proofs of his capacity; but all at treated him well, and as the once ceased to perform, and ship neared the coast they would not budge for threat or planned the exhibition. The entreaty. This so vexed his mayor obliged them to furnish master that he administered a their discharged servant with a — "

62 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. reasonable sum for his services; most delightful scenes that con- and so by means of this and the versation ever exhibited." friar's good offices, Pat was re- When in London his company stored to the arms of family and was much sought after. On one friends in Kerry. occasion he had received three There is another variety of or four invitations from families this story extant. A gentleman living in the same street, and of M unster being at an exhibi- had accepted one. But when tion in London, the chief attrac- the day and hour arrived, he tion of which centred in a savage had completely forgotten to from " The Cannibal Islands," which of the families he had who ate raw beef, shook his given his promise. A simple spear in a vicious fashion, and but ingenious mode of getting yelled most diabolically, heard out of the difficulty soon sug- Irish words very intelligibly pro- gested itself to his active mind. nounced in the vociferations of He called at one of the houses, the terrible performer, and fan- and asked the servant if Rev. cied he recognised the voice. Mr. O'Leary had arrived. He Coming within whispering dis- said " No," and gave no other tance of the savage, he uttered sign of recognition. The same in a low tone, " Maurice, what fortune attended his call to are you disgracing your family another house, but at the third for in this way?"— EistJi, cistli hall door he had the pleasure of (whist), Master Edward," said hearing, " Mr. O'Leary has not for the is he ; "I am providing come as yet, but expected next half-year's rent that's to be every moment." Of course the paid to the ma'ster" (young Ed- haven was reached. ward's father to wit). Charles Butler in his historical memoirs thus speaks of our sub- DALKEY AND ITS KING. ject : " In the countenance of Father Our book would be a mis- O'Leary there was a mixture of nomer if it did not contain a goodness, solemnity, and drol- record, however slight, of the lery, which fixed every eye that annual solemnity connected with little isle in Dublin beheld it. No one was more the desert generally loved and revered, no Bay, so zealously celebrated, and one less unassuming or more so numerously attended towards pleasing in his manner. Seeing the end of last century. The his external simplicity, persons only events worth recording of with whom he was arguing were the kingdom, and its facetious sometimes tempted to treat him parliament and king, all took cavalierly, but then the solemn- place on the day which wit- ity with which he would mystify nessed the resignation of his his adversary, and ultimately majesty and his re-election for lead him into the most distress- the ensuing year. In the youth ing absurdity, was one of the of Thomas Moore he had the MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 63

good fortune to assist at one siderable space was devoted to solemnity at least. About noon the chronicling of the great on Sunday, the king and parlia- events of the day under the ment, and a select portion of his heading of " The Dalkey Ga- subjects, got into their boats, zette." It related in mock-heroic and sailed to the lonely island, style how the regal flotilla, on but the larger number went by its voyage from Ringsend to every conceivable kind of ve- Dalkey, exchanged powder salu- hicle, noddies and shandrydans tations with two ships of the included, and occupied the shore sovereign's august brother, the opposite the isle. The expanse King of England, and how duti- of turf, heath, and rocks which ful offerings of rabbits, cockles, then afforded convenience for and mushrooms were made as strolling about, resting, or pic- the fleet held on its way, by his nicking is now covered with dutiful subjects of Lambay, and houses and gardens. Nothing his right loyal holy knights of could be more cheerful in ap- Magee. pearance than the crowded roads On landing (we abridge the and encampments, the gaily- account in the Gazette), his ma- decked barges and their well- jesty held a levee, at which dressed crews, and the grey and attended the chief nobility of green surface of the isle, dotted the kingdom (of Dalkey, be it here and there, and in places understood), together with illus- enlivened by the presence of trious foreigners from Bullock, the pleasure-seeking, eager, and Dunleary (afterwards Kings- gaily-attired citizens. town), Howth, and other parts During the progress of the of the neighbouring continent. state barge and its accompany- His majesty next approached ing flotilla, some salvos of artil- the throne of state (a rock), pre- lery were discharged along shore. ceded by the lord mayor, and The monarch, who boasted of supported by the lord chancellor the ever-renewed elections, was and primate, but modestly de- Stephen Armytage, a bookseller clining to ascend the kingly (but (Moore mentions him as a pawn- rugged) seat, he laid his crown broker),—whose august titles here and oak sceptre on the table, follow : " His facetious Ma- and addressed his lieges. Then jesty, Stephen the First, King followed an amicable strife, the of Dalkey, Emperor of the king urging the choice of a suc- Muglins (neighbouring islet cessor, the lord chancellor de- rocks), Prince of the Holy Is- precating such condescension to land of Magee, Elector of Lam- the mob, but the contest con- bay and Ireland's Eye, Defender cluding with the king-at-arms, of his own faith, and respector preceded by a herald, passing of all others, Sovereign of the through the assembly, announc- illustrious Order of the Lobster ing the resignation of his ma- and Periwinkle." jesty, and directing them to In the Mortting Post a con- choose a successor. Then there ——

I. The coronation took place, benediction : and King Stephen took oath " The blessing of the beggar over a bowl of grog, that he and the clerk of the Crown would maintain festivity and jus- attend you in all your adven- tice among his beloved subjects. tures in this life, and the last Lord Minikin next proclaimed prayer of the Recorder and of that his majesty was ready to all the Judges of the Crown Cir- " hear any complaints from his cuit attend you in the next ! loyal people, and a deputation While the appeals and com- from the Order of the Periwinkle plaints were going on (Toler, presented themselves, and im- afterwards Lord Norbury) was peached the lord chancellor for accused, as second sergeant, with sundry corrupt practices. He making puns from the bench as defended himself, and alleged arguments against the prisoner's the absence of several witnesses life, but being now absent in (unpopular members of the another kingdom to fight a duel, Dublin Corporation by the way) he could not appear to answer as a reason for postponing his for himself. trial. A delay was granted. On the coronation day which Other impeachments succeeded, Moore enjoyed, Incledon, the and under the shelter of the great singer of sea songs was sham process, unpopular mea- knighted under the title of Sir sures and unpopular folk in Charles Melody. Moore tried power were held up to public his prentice hand on a birthday dislike and contempt. A quasi- ode to King Stephen, a couple religious ceremony, presided of verses of which have been over by the arch-druid (a really preserved : objectionable feature in the ' general proceedings) succeeded, ' Thou rid'st not, prisoned in a metal coach, To shield from thy anointed head, and then the procession formed Bullets of a kindred lead, to gain the banquetting hall. Marbles, and stones, and such hard- hearted things. Before the lord mayor sat down to meat, he and his corporation " George has of wealth the dev'l and all ; aped the ceremony of "riding Him we may king of diamonds call, But thou hast such persuasive arts, the franchises/' throwing the We hail thee, Stephen, king of hearts." javelin into the sea, &c. At the beginning of the feast a pleni- " On the very morning after potentiary from the Duke of the celebration at which I was Bullock arrived with a present present, there appeared in the of potatoes, ready boiled, to eke newspaper which acted as his out the kingly entertainment. majesty's state gazette, a highly These were graciously accepted, humorous proclamation, offer- and knighthood conferred on ing a reward of I know not the ambassador. how many hundred Croubaties — " —

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 65

(Irish halfpence) to whatsoever once gave the full benefit of his person might have found, and unbounded hospitality to an would duly restore his Majesty's English gentleman of mark in crown, which, in walking home his own country. He seemed from Dalkey the preceding thoroughly sensible of the good night, and measuring both man's attention and kindness, sides of the road, according to and returned the compliment in custom, he had unfortunately this manner :— let fall from his august head." " Soon after, O'Meara for the {Memoirs of Thomas Moore, first time visited London, and vol. i.) being a total stranger there, was Lord Chancellor Fitzgibbon well pleased one day to see his took little pleasure in the pro- English acquaintance walking ceedings of the Dalkey Govern- on the other side of Bond ment. In fact, as the baleful Street. So he immediately " Ninety - eight " approached, crossed over, and with out- he began to look upon monarch stretched hand declared how and ministers as decided mal- delighted he was to see him. contents. To obtain certain The gentleman was walking information he invited Mr. with a group of high aristocratic O'Meara, one of the dignitaries, caste, and dressed in the utmost and a personal acquaintance, to propriety of costume ; and when a conference, and this dialogue he saw a wild-looking man with followed : soiled leather breeches, dirty " You are, I understand, con- top boots, not over-clean linen, nected with the kingdom of nor very close-shaven beard, Dalkey?" striding up to him with a whip " I am, my lord." in his hand, and the lash " May I ask what title you twisted under his arm, he are recognised by ? started back, and, with a look " I am Duke of Muglins." of cold surprise, said, "And what post do you " Sir, you have the advantage " hold under the Government ? of me." " Chief Commissioner of the "I have, sir," said O'Meara, Revenue." looking coldly at him for a mo- " What are your emoluments ment, " and I'll keep it too," " in right of your office ? and turned from him with a " I am allowed to import ten look of supreme contempt, thousand hogsheads duty free." which the other did not think " Hogsheads of what, Mr. it prudent to notice." {Ireland Commissioner?" Sixty Years Ago; by the late " Of salt water, my lord." Right Hon. J. E. Walsh, Master The lord asked no more ques- of the Rolls.) tions. Though we feel the reverse of The same hospitable attorney, respect for the ungrateful guest, who probably served for type the Irish host, who lavished to Mr. Lever's Paul Rooney, much beyond what ordinary F —

66 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. good nature and politeness re- nately followed it. Some of the quired, had little to complain overtaken guests were stretched of. Some of our Irish small supine and unconscious on gentry think no sacrifice too chairs, others to the full as un- great to make to an English- conscious on the floor, and J man of rank, when he conde- among these lay the piper, rather scends to notice them, or share better cared for than his com- their hospitality. panions. He lay like Cameron of Lochiel, " with his back to the UNPLEASANT RESULTS OF field, and his face to the" A DEBAUCH. rafters, a table-cloth laid de- cently over his breast, his In Sir Jonah Barrington's chanter, music-bag, and bellows " Personal Recollections," he neatly disposed thereon, and gives a striking and melancholy, five or six candles, now burnt to but probably fanciful, illustra- the sockets, keeping watch at tion of the excessive self-indul- the sides. All this, however, gence of his countrymen, gentle was only the semblance of a and simple, toward the close of genuine wake. Various un- last century. Paying a visit to musical sounds proceeding from his brother at Castle Durrow the the mouth and nose announced day after the commencement of the presence of latent life in the a festival, intended to be a long man of the pipes. one, he found the relics of the In due time he came to a por- last evening's entertainment in tion of his senses, and was sad disorder, the bones being borne unharmed from the scene generally well picked by the of his defeat by a couple of "tall dogs, after their masters had fellows ;" but the two individuals done their worst on them. The reposing on chairs, and trusting walls, not having received their their heads to the soft plaster, last coat of plaster till the morn- had not equal good luck. The ing of the previous day, were great heat of the room producing still in a damp and comfortless its natural effect on the inter- condition. A certain Mr. Joseph mingling mass of human hair Kelly, and a certain Mr. Peter and plaster, made one dry and Alley, were found in a drunken compact body of them, and the sleep, each man seated on a two misguided men, raising chair, and each man's head re- themselves at the call to break- clining against the lately plas- fast, found such a painful impe- tered wall. diment at the backs of their The piper of the party had had heads that they roared out, and, the ill-fortune of coming into the in newspaper phrase, threw the world half a century or so be- whole company into the utmost fore Father Mathew. The alarm and confusion. A person company whom he had been would think that a chisel, aided entertaining had set him a bad by taps from a hammer, and example, and he had unfortu- thus making a circular dent on MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 67

the dry plaster round the space ' To buy the Fair,' says he, 1 And all that's there,' says he. of communication, would tend to separate the retaining portion (Dick Hennessy loquitur).

of the wall ; but some of the ' Arrah pay what you owe,' said he, company had read the modus ' And then you may go,' says he, ' To Timahoe,' says he, operandi resorted to by Hanni- ' To buy the Fair,' says he, bal to detach masses of rock • And all that's there,' says he. among the Alps, so they set new (Flinter sees his error). milk, melted butter, and finally ' Well, by this and by that,' said he, hot vinegar at work, but with ' Dick, hang up my hat,' says he."' indifferent success. Finally scissors and oyster-knives This honest man, who ruined clumsily wrought the deliver- himself by dint of making great ance of the heads from the bargains, was one of Sir Jonah wall, at the expense of some Barrington's early acquaint- portions of the scalp. ances.

HOW TOM FLINTER WOULD A TAIL BADLY ADAPTED HAVE BOUGHT UP A TO THE BODY. WHOLE FAIR. Sir Frederick Flood, Mr. Thomas Flinter, of member for Wexford in the Timahoe (Co. Carlow), specu- Irish Parliament, was subject, lated so largely in cattle of while delivering a speech, to every description that all his the awkwardness of introducing possessions finally centered in into it any observation whispered one plain-spoken, faithful ser- to him in his ear. "He was once vant, called Hennessy. Dick making a long speech in the his As property diminished, his Parliament House, lauding the debts increased; but once getting transcendent merits of the Wex- some moderate sum of in money ford magistracy on a motion for his possession, he was about extending the criminal jurisdic- starting for the fair to invest in tion in that county. As he was horns and hoofs, when a lucky closing a most turgid oration by diversion was made by his more declaring that the said magis- judicious servant. Ned, the dog- tracy ought to receive some stealer, thus recorded the con- signal mark of the Lord Lieu- ference. Ned, though not trust- tenant's favour, John Egan, who worthy transactions in where was sitting behind him, and meum and tuum had not a rather mellow, jocularly whis- common interest, was considered pered, ' And be whipped at the a great poet. cart's tail.' ' And be whipped

" Dick,' said he, at the cart's tail,' repeated Sir ' ? What ' said he, Frederick, unconsciously, amidst ' Fetch me hit,' says he, my peals of uncontrollable laughter." ' For I will go,' says he, ' To Timahoe/ says he, {Personal Recollections of Sir F 2 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

Jonah Harrington, Routledge, of laughable bulls, he was much 1869.) respected by his contemporaries as a well-bred gentleman, punc- TWO PROFESSORS OF THE tilious, brave, and honourable. LONG BO IV. He held the office of Gentleman Usher at the Irish Court, and Sir Richard Musgrave, discharged his duties to the author of the least trustworthy satisfaction of every one with history of the Insurrection of whom his functions brought him " 98 " ever published, after im- in contact. He himself attri- patiently listening to a Munc- buted most of his shortcomings hausen story told by Sir John or overdoings to having been Stuart Hamilton, expressed his obliged by his lady (eldest disbelief in unparliamentary daughter of Sir John Cave) to phrases, though both gentlemen read with care " Gibbon's De- belonged to the big house in cline and Fall of the Roman College Green. Sir John, much Empire." This terrible compo- irritated, as there were strangers sition had a more baleful effect in the room, asserted on his on him than even on the good word that the fact was as he Mr. Boffin himself. "He was had stated it. Again Sir so cruelly puzzled, without being Richard repeated his unbelief, in the least amused, that in his and Sir exclaimed in John cups he often stigmatised the anger, " You say you don't " historian as a low fellow, who believe my word ? ought to have been kicked out " I can't believe it," replied of company wherever he was, Sir Richard. for turning people's thoughts " Well, then," said Sir John, away from their prayers and "if you won't believe my word I their politics, to what the devil only give it you under my must himself could make neither head hand," and at the moment he nor tail of." (Sir Jonah.) clenched his great fist. Sir Boyle Roche took some " The witticism raised a gene- credit to himself when in com- ral laugh, in which the parties pany from the fact of Sir John themselves joined, and in a Cave having given him his eldest moment all { was good humour. daughter to wife. Curran was the company condemned But somewhat wearied with his both the offenders— Sir John for harping on this string, and on telling a lie, and Sir Richard for occasion of a certain repetition not believing it—to the payment of it, observed, " Aye, Sir Boyle, of two bottles of hock each." and depend on it, if he had had (Sir Jonah.) an older one still he would have A FEW OF SIR BOYLE given her to you." The slightly man took the jest in ROCHES BEST. hen-pecked good part, for his lady (with THOUGH Sir Boyle Roche is respect to herself) was no lover chieflv remembered as an issuer nor student of dates. —

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 69

A tax proposed by Govern- men," added he, "may titther, ment was recommended by the and titther, and titther, and minister as one not likely to may think it a bad measure, but press on the people for years to their heads at present are hot, come. It was opposed on the and will so remain till they ground of the injustice of im- grow cool again, and so they posing a burden on posterity. can't decide right now. But Sir Boyle, a zealous supporter when the day of judgment of the Irish Government, ex- comes, then honourable gentle- claimed in indignation against men will be satisfied at this this view of the case, " ' What, most excellent union. Sir, there

! ' Mr. Speaker ' said he, and so is no Levitical degrees between

we are to beggar ourselves for nations, and on this occasion I

fear of vexing posterity ! Now can see neither sin nor shame I would ask the honourable in marrying 07ir own sister." gentleman, and this more ho- The right-minded member nourable House, why we should was naturally most indignant put ourselves out of our way to at the proceedings of the do anything for posterity ? for Parisian Jacobins, and seldom what has posterity done for omitted an opportunity of ex- ? " us ' pressing his hatred and con- The good man, expecting tempt of them. On one occasion

serious applause, rather than he thus aired his indignation : the burst of laughter which "If we once permitted the greeted his profound theory, villanous French masons to was somewhat disconcerted, meddle with the buttresses and and began to explain. " ' He walls of our ancient constitution, assured the House that by they would never stop nor stay, posterity he did not at all mean sir, till they brought the founda- our ancestors, but those who tion stones tumbling down about were to come immediately after the ears of the nation. If these them.' Upon hearing this ex- Gallican villains should invade planation, it was impossible to us, sir, 'tis on that very table, do any serious business for half maybe, these honourable mem- an hour." bers might see their own desti- Sir Boyle, as a Government nies lying in a heap atop of one partizan, felt himself obliged to another. Here, perhaps, sir, act contrary to his natural in- the Marshal-law (Marseillais) stincts, and speak in support of men would break in, cut us to the union. By degrees he be- mince-meat, and throw our came persuaded of the justice bleeding heads on that table to of his arguments, and on one stare us in the face." occasion felt much annoyance ' Sir Boyle's axiom, that the at the suppressed laughter best way to avoid danger was which greeted his flowery pic- to meet it plump, was not only ture of the happiness which the the opinion of a generous measure would bring. " Gentle- nature, but with little trouble 7o MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. might be shown to possess the express his loyalty less sublime true quality of wit Wit, as we than these, " I stood prostrate at know, presents a striking har- the feet of my sovereign." He mony of ideas, which, at first also held up to the ridicule of blush, appear to have nothing the House " the man who had in common, while a bull results turned his back on himself." in the complete discrepancy of In his sympathy with his ideas apparently in unison. We kind he lamented " that single shall not here impose on our misfortunes never come alone, readers a treatise on wit, and that the greatest of all pos- humour, and blunders. " The sible misfortunes is generally Decline and Fall of the Roman followed by a greater." If his Empire" never inflicted such proposal " that the quart mea- desolation on poor Sir Boyle sure should contain a quart of Roche, as the perusal of a pro- liquor" be a bull, may the

found essay on the above im- breed increase ! His directions palpable " notions " did on to the shoemaker to make one ourselves some few years since. shoe larger than the other, and his reproach when they were SOME BOVINE REMARKS, brought home, that, instead of PROBABLY NOT SIR that, one was smaller than the other, were matched by an inci- BOYLE S. dent which occurred to the The following grave blunders present writer's knowledge. are attributed, perhaps with The right leg of Pat Behan's little justice, to our hero. The leather breeches got much wet reader may take them at their one day, while he was leading value. a team of ploughing horses, One of his famous union the left leg remaining nearly speeches concluded with this dry. On comparing the state pithy remark, " Sir, this excel- of the article when the day's lent union will convert our work was over, he found the barren hills into fruitful valleys." wet leg about four inches longer In another speech directed than the other. " I tell God's against the Jacobins, he thus truth," said he, " one of my took liberties with figures of niaas * is longer nor the other. speech, " Sir, I smell a rat. I But I'll soon remedy that."

see him floating in the air ; but, Accordingly, taking a scissors, mark me, I shall yet nip him in he cut as much off the wet leg the bud." as put the lower extremities of Hearing that Admiral Howe both on a line. The wearable was in search of the French, he was left near the fire overnight, expressed his conviction that " he would sweep the Gallic * A familiar name for sheep, and, by a fleet off the face of the earth." country figure of speech, for breeches made On another occasion he could of the skin of the animal. Pat incorrectly uses the word here for the leg of the small avail himself of no words to clothes, MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 7i but when he drew it on his John Stuart Hamilton at- limbs next morning, and saw tempted to make a timely his left knee entirely uncovered, retreat, all arose with one ac- he dismally exclaimed, u Oh, cord at the— signal given by goodness ! one of my maas some one, " Stop Sir John ! isn't longer nor the other now, Stop him ! The bonne bouche ! but one is shorter nor the the bonne bouche!" and other." pressed on his flying footsteps. Alas, the fugitive had taken the A CHRISTIAN TURK. wrong door, and in a few mo- ments he and his pursuers were Public baths were first esta- floundering about in a cold salt- blished in Dublin about a water tank, or clinging to the hundred years since by a portly brink. The unfortunate host Mussulman, upwards of six feet on returning found the dining- high, with handsome features, hall waste, but the adjoining and an agreeable expression bath-room well peopled with his diffused over them. He spoke ill-advised and shouting guests. English well, styled himself All were extracted, dried, put in Achmet Borumborad, M.D., Turkish habiliments, and, when made many friends by his these failed, swathed in blankets. pleasing manners, built the They were conveyed to their baths, bestowed great skill and repective homes, and specially careontheirmanagement,bathed attended to by their medical and attended to the poor gratis, protege. But the report of the gave universal satisfaction, and accident, much modified for the obtained a yearly parliamentary worse, got abroad, and flung an grant which he conscientiously air of ridicule over the doctor laid out on the object for which and his baths. Some ill-natured it was intended. wags even asserted that Achmed It was the doctors custom to had attempted to drown nine- entertain a select number of his teen members of parliament, parliamentary friends and sup- because they would not pro- porters every season, and this mise to vote for him. he did in excellent style, the Parliamentary grants were no best viands, the best wines, and more to be thought of. Any ap- the best singers in the metropo- plication would be sure to be re- lis being procured for the occa- ceived with a burst of laughter, sion. The last time of his and the poor doctor had lately patrons assembling, the doctor made some additions to his esta- and his butler quitted the festive blishment on the strength of his hall towards the end of the enter- expectations. In this strait tainment, tobring up somebottles he bethought of bringing to a of his choicest wines to crown close a courtship which had the symposium. All had already been in progress for some time. imbibed a sufficiency of the His Dulcinea was a pretty, and doctor's nectar, and when Sir as good as pretty, little woman, —

72 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. sister to a certain surgeon Har- ment of the city-watch, of the tigan, and mistress of a good highest importance. In a speech property. She was well dis- once made at the Assembly posed to the estimable Turk, House, he used the following but had over and over protested remarkable expressions : to him that she would never " This, my friends, is a sub- consent to be his bride, till he ject neither trifling nor obscure ; had renounced Mahomet, and the character of our corporation his Koran, and his own style of is at stake on your decision. costume, and his flowing beard. Recollect, brother freemen, re- 5 He now wrote to her announ- collect, ' continued he, "that the cing his resolve to become a eyes of all Europe are upon Christian for her sake, and beg- ging her to bring his sufferings to an end. Next day a gentle- AN ELECTION DECIDED man, name not mentioned, was BY A SWEEP. announced, and in the tall, handsome, close-shaved, sable- OuANN'S coach - house, in clothed visitor she was just Talbot Street, is still occasion- able to recognise her Turkish ally called " Beresford's Riding lover. " But have you changed House." There in the awful your belief as easily as your year of 1798, under the patron- appearance ?" said the lady, when age of John Beresford, many a the first surprise was over. person suspected or convicted " D a change was I obliged of disloyalty, was savagely tor- to make," said he ; "I have tured. So bad a character rested never been otherwise than a on the building, that some Dub- Christian, and am your own lin wits, taking the opportunity countryman, my darling—Pat- of a favourable night, fastened rick Joyce, of Kilkenny." She was on the entrance a signboard easily persuaded to pardon the with the inscription, " Mangling deception, and became his wife done here, by J. Beresford and with little delay. The brave Co." doctor paid his way, and kept Some years later, John Beres- his engagements like an honest ford and Sir Jonah Barrington man ; but the baths lost their were rival candidates for the re- prestige. presentation of the city of D ublin. The votes being nearly balanced, IMPORTANCE OF THE OLD it was in the power of a Mr. CORPORATION. Horish (Corish ?) to put victory of his into the hands favourite ; A CERTAIN Mr. Willis, a he had the disposal of the votes breeches-maker of Dame Street, of sundry sable-faced gentlemen and a member of the old Cor- as well as his own. " Let me poration, considered everything see," said the important man u ; connected with their proceed- ivho shall I vote for? I'm ings, and especially the manage- very hard to please, gentlemen, MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 73

I assure you. Fair and easy," up in life the great Mr. Hollo- said he, as the rival candidates way. pressed. " Don't hurry a man," To Dublin citizens Aldbo- and he looked earnestly at his rough House is a familiar object. suitors. " I know that honest It has been a barrack since it fellow will vote for me," said was a Feinaglian seminary, but Beresford, completely forgetful it was originally a lordly man- of Mr. Horish having once ex- sion, one of the wings being a perienced the smarting hospi- church, the other a theatre. In tality of the lash and the triangle the end of last century its lord in his riding-house. " Indeed, was a party in a suit tried before

he will not," answered Sir Jonah ; Lord Clare, his opponent being "eh, Horish?" Still silence and Mr. Beresford, a nephew of the

reserve on the voter's part. "I'll judge ; and judgment went lay you a rump and dozen," against him with full costs. He exclaimed Beresford, " on the appealed to the House of Lords, matter." " You'll lose that where Clare as Lord Chancellor same rump and dozen, Mr. presided, and was defeated Beresford. 'Twas many a dozen again, as he might have ex- you gave me in the riding- pected.

house ; and if ever I have the Lord Aldborough took his honour of meeting you up a revenge by writing a book in chimney, depend on it, Mr. which Lord Clare and Irish Beresford, I'll treat you with all appellant jurisdiction were se- the civility in my power. Come, verely handled, and acknow- boys, poll away for the coun- ledged he might have acted sellor." more wisely after what had hap- It was during this election, pened to him in Holland. The which lasted fifteen days (O captain of a trekschuyt (packet

the good old times !), that Gif- boat) having charged him fard, proprietor of the Dubli7i about twice the lawful fare, he Journal, was so crushed under made his complaint before the the sledge hammer of Grattan's sitting manistrate when the boat

vituperation, that he had merely reached Amsterdam ; but when strength enough to whimper he had about half stated his out, " Oh, I could spit on him case, he discovered under the in a desert." broad-brimmed hat of the judge the rascally skipper, who at A DELECTABLE TRLAL once decided against him with BEFORE THE LORDS. costs, and ordered him to quit the court. He would not be so As fine an instance of sang cheated. He went to an advo- fro id and self-complacency as cate, put himself into his hands, has ever been related, was ex- attended in court next day, and hibited by Lord Aldborough, the skipper and judge, rolled father or grandfather to that into one, pronounced his defeat nobleman whose sore leg set a second time. In his printed 74 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. book the parallel between Myn- once spiritedly and adroitly said heer and Fitzgibbon stood pro- that he avowed every word of it minent, and the Irish peers to their lordships ; but that it accordingly cited the author to was not intended as a libel appear before them, and answer either against the House or the for this gross breach of privi- jurisdiction, but as a constitu- lege. The rest shall be told in tional and just rebuke to their the words of Sir Jonah Bar- lordships, for not performing rington. their bounden duty in attending " The Chancellor, holding the to hear the appeal, he being vicious book in his hand, asked quite certain that if any sensible Lord Aldborough if he admitted men had been present, the Lord that it was of his writing and Chancellor would only have had publication, to which his lord- two lords and two bishops (his ship replied, that he could admit own creatures) on his side of the nothing as written or published question." by him till every word of it This only made matters worse, should first be truly read to and the poor lord was subse- their lordships aloud in the quently committed to Newgate House. Lord Clare, wishing to for six months. curtail some parts, began to read it himself; but not being near JUDGE HENATS EMBAR- enough to the light, his oppo- RASSMENT. nent took a pair of enormous candlesticks from the table, AMONG judicial memoranda walked deliberately up to the of the days of Lord Clare and throne, and requested the Chan- Lord Clonmel, a legal puzzle cellor's permission to hold the which much disturbed Mr. candles for him while he was Justice Henn is worth mention. reading the book. This novel While on circuit a civil bill sort of effrontery put the Chan- question was determinedly cellor completely off his guard. argued by two young barristers, He was outdone, and permitted equally self-complacent, and Lord Aldborough to hold the equally intent on showing off. lights while he perused the libel, At the point when nothing more comparing him to a Dutch could be possibly said on either skipper; nor did the obsequious side, they appealed to the judge author omit to set him right for his decision. " How, gentle- here and there, when he omitted men," said the puzzled man, a word or proper emphasis. It " can I settle it between you ? was ludicrous beyond example, You say positively that the law and gratifying to the secret ill- is one way, and you (turning to wishers of Lord Clare, who bore the other) as strongly assert no small proportion to the that it is the other way; (then aggregate number of the House. aside to his registrar, who sat The libel being duly read below him) I wish to heaven, through, Lord Aldborough at Billy Harrison, I knew what the MODERN HUSH ANECDOTES. 75

law really is." " My lord," said and equity, to tell the court Billy, respectfully rising, and whether he were drunk or sober casting a look of sympathy on at the time. " Oh, quite sober, his chief, " if I knew what the my lord," said Grady, glancing " law was, I would tell your lord- at the inkstand ; as sober as a ship with a great deal of plea- judge."

\ sure." " Then we'll save the point, AN INGENIOUS DEVICE OF Harrison," exclaimed the judge. JUDGE PATTERSON. '' What point, my lord ? " said Billy. This gentleman, who was as expert at the sword in duelling exercises as he was averse to A LITTLE FOIBLE OF official labour, was once engaged JUDGE BO YDS. on circuit business with Baron Dawson, whom we have already On the authority of Daniel mentioned in connection with O'Connell we learn that this the great musical composer, contemporary of Curran and Turloch O'Carolan. One being Henn and Fitzgibbon and John as well inclined as the other to Scott (Lord Clonmel) found it escape, if possible, the drudgery out of the question to get before them, for the calendar through his judicial labours was a heavy one, they adopted without help from "drops of a plan which a circuit-going brandy." A vessel containing judge of modern times, however that liquor, but resembling a lazy, would hardly venture on. large office ink-bottle, was on " Mr. Registrar," said the his desk, so was the end of a chief, "call out the cases, begin- " large quill, and by simply laying ning at the end." . Eh, my his left arm down flat, and open- lord ?" " Begin at the end, I ing a communication by means repeat." " O'Regan against of the quill between the fluid Riordan," sung out the regis- and his mouth as he stooped trar. " O'Regan against Rior- his head, he satisfied his want, dan," repeated the crier. No and hoped to escape observa- response. " Go on:" and a few tion. more cases in a retrograde order One day while the counsel on were proclaimed. "No appear-

one side was labouring hard to ance," remarked the judge ; prove that a witness then under "cross out these cases, Mr. examination had been intoxi- Registrar." That astonished cated on a certain occasion, and officer then proceeded to men- the counsel on the other, Mr. tion half a dozen more, the Harry Deane Grady, as vigor- parties to which had no expecta- ously maintaining that such was tion of being called on for some not the case, Boyd feelingly days to come. These were ac- addressed the man, and ex- cordingly cancelled, and, by a horted him, in the name of law course of steady perseverance. 76 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

Mr. Registrar arrived at the brother, who readily put it on, first on the list. As was to be with a presentiment that it expected, the plaintiff and de- would bring its former owner's fendant were in court, and luck to him. Wonderful to re- their dispute was examined late, Sir Jonah asserted that he and settled. Judge Patterson throve like any bullrush or flag thanked the jury for their at- from that moment, and at last tendance, and the praiseworthy was flung up on the bench. attention they had given to the evidence, and then complacently AN ANTI-JOHNSONIAN 1 observed to his colleague, " Well, JUDGE. Brother Dawson, I think we have got through a vast deal of " The owl, the fox, the badger, and the bat, By sweet reserve and modesty grow fat." business." So sung poor William Blake, SIR JONAH PATRONISES the spiritual artist, who, if he JUDGE JOHNSON had lived half a century later, would have been knighted by The pleasant author of " Per- Home Or Houdin, and appointed sonal Recollections" asserts that Serjeant Painter to the spiritual- the ordinary demeanour of Judge istic kingdom entire. He had Johnson was exceedingly dis- only to form the wish, and the agreeable, but something so ghost of Julius Caesar, Nero, or genial in his angry moods, that Judas Iscariot presented itself

he (Sir J.) and others frequently to be limned. No one who has combined to put him in a pas- seen the outline of the blood- sion. Counsellor Daly, once thirsty ghost of a flea, which he disparaging him when absent, once outlined, will ever forget

was properly rebuked by Mr. it. Our quotation has sadly led Justice Jebb. " Why do you us out of*. our record. What we say such things of Mr. Johnson first intended to say was, that behind his back ? " " Because," however the case may be as considerately answered Daly, regards the animals in the " I would not hurt his feelings motto, Judge Kelly rose from by saying them to his face." the bar to the bench by dint of Sir Jonah and Johnson were good humour and agreeableness. intimate friends from their Not even the wrathful and dis- youth. When clothed in stuff, respectful mode in which John- Barrington mentions his own son (then a barrister) addressed advancement as one of the most him was capable of ruffling his rapid in the forensic annals, and sedate temper. He angrily as that of Johnson rather in the much as told him that he was contrary direction. He tells wrong, that all precedent was with much self-complacency that against him, and that even he when he put on the gown of (Kelly) had twice before decided silk, he jokingly offered the cast- the other way. "So,Mr.Johnson," off stuff to his badly favoured said the judge, with a humour- — — MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. ous shrug of his shoulder, " be- for the priesthood, but as he cause I decided wrong twice, considered that a successful Mr. Johnson, you'd have me do counseller's revenue exceeded so a third time. No, no, Mr. that of any parish priest of his Johnson, you must excuse me, time, he studied the law, ac- I'll decide the other way this quired success, and put up bout." And so he did. money, of which he was perhaps Judge Kelly lost on the bench more fond and sparing than a the character for deep legal learned counsellor should be. knowledge which he had ob- A certain person not favoured tained at the bar, but retained by fortune, yet anxious to in- his reputation for honour, justice, dulge in a lawsuit, brought his and integrity. ' He used plea- case and his fee direct to the santly to observe, " So they find counsellor, in order that he out now that I am not a very might be let off the easier, and staunch lawyer. I am heartily personally apologise for the glad that they had not acquired smallness of the offering. Fitz- that information thirty years gibbon seemed the reverse of since." gratified by the sight of the The following apocryphal pas- money, and the poor client, in sage ought to have happened in order to propitiate him, re- court while he presided, but we marked, ° I assure you, coun- fear it did not. (The joke is sellor, I am ashamed of the Norbury's.) smallness of the fee, but it is all Mr. Joy was senior counsel in I have in the world." " Oh," a certain suit, and Mr. Hope his said the lover of gold, " if it's all junior. Mr. Joy was absent you have in the world, why when his presence was required hem— I must take it." to open his client's case, and, after a little delay, the judge re- LORD CLARE'S FUNERAL. quested Mr. Hope to do it. The This great law lord had but conscientious man requested for- few friends among his country- bearance for a while ; but the men, and for his great exertions while went by, and the senior to establish the Union he was put in no appearance. The judge poorly recompensed, as far as said that no further delay could honour and consideration were be allowed, but endeavoured to concerned, by the British Go- console the conscientious junior vernment. In the English par- by the soothing though sad quo- liament his anti-national bursts tation were received with coolness and " Hope told a flattering tale even disapprobation, and his That Joy would soon return." disappointment is supposed to CONDESCENSION OF THE have shortened his life. Those , LORD CHANCELLOR'S who had at heart to render his FA THER. funeral as imposing and large as Lord Clare's father (Fitz- possible canvassed the mem- gibbon) was originally intended bers of the bar individually ; for 7« MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. doubts were entertained of the brine. Taking some credit to general feeling, owing to the himself for the invention, he number of personal enemies he once complacently expressed had made by his arrogance. himself thus to Kelleher,—"You The canvassers had little hope must own, Kelleher, that at least of a favourable reception from I preserved the county of Tip- Counsellor Kelleher, a witty and perary." sarcastic man, who was well " Oh, faith you did, and known to have cherished un- pickled it into the bargain." friendly feelings towards his The unfeeling Sir Judkin (a lordship, but they made the ex- disgrace to his noble surname) periment nevertheless. would have afterwards suffered " You know, my dear fellow," in body and goods, only for a said the spokesman, Arthur Chi- postfacto indemnity bill brought chester MacCourtney (feeling in by Lord Castlereagh. his way cautiously), " that Lord It is to be feared that pickles Clare is to be buried to-morrow." had been united to preserves in " 'Tis generally the last thing bon mots even before Kelleher's done with dead chancellors/"' time. A member of the old said Kelleher coolly. Dublin corporation, an ex- "He'll be buried in St. Peter's,'"' Italian and hairdresser, Bas- said the spokesman. segio by name, once excited a " Then he's going to a friend hearty laugh by connecting the of the family," said Kelleher ; words without intention of exe- " his father was a Papist." cuting a witticism or a bull. This created some merriment, He was standing at his shop in which the canvasser did not door in Exchequer (now Wick- join. So he continued, " The low) Street, his face as round as bar mean to go in procession. the moon, but much redder, and Have you any objection to attend he lazily smoking a meerschaum, Lord Clare's funeral, Mr. Kelle- when a sudden flash of light- her ?" ning, followed almost instantly " None at all," said Kelleher, by a rattling peal of thunder, "none at all. I shall certainly struck awe into the hearts of the attend his funeral with the people with whom he was con- greatest pleasure imaginable." versing. " Oh, the Lord pre- serve us !" ejaculated a woman The loyal and ultra-zealous standing near him. "And picW Sir Judkin Fitzgerald, consider- us thoo," responded the good ing that the cat-o'-nine tails of liver, removing the pipe for a itself, even though wielded by moment from between his lips. strong and willing arms, was capable of improvement in re- A LEGAL EXCHANGE OF gard to the infliction of torture, CIVLLITIES. got sundry of the instruments intended for the backs of the Among the witty members of Tipperary peasants soaked in the ante-Union bar was Mr. MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 79

Caldbeck, K.C., a huge soul in she imagined the purchase and in the a diminutive body : he was setting up of a pier-glass about the size of Tom Moore. new home. Her lord had never One day, while engaged in a seen more than his head and legal contention with a brother neck reflected, and that only on of the bar of more than average shaving-days, and thought she, height, he pestered him so that " when he sees the fright he is he exclaimed, in real or assumed outwardly, he will surely amend anger. " You little vagabond, his exterior ways." She had if you don't be cautious, I'll put not however the precaution to you in my pocket.'' " When- tell him what she had done, and ever you do," retorted Caldbeck, the result was unfortunate. " you will have more law in your The counsellor, coming for the pocket than ever you had in your first time into the room where head." the mirror had been placed, was dreadfully frightened by the ap- pearance and hostile gestures of SELF-KNOWLEDGE DAN- a savage advancing towards him. He uttered a loud cry, TIMES. GEROUS AT and dropped in a fit on the carpet. Practising in the same The noise brought Mrs. Co- courts with Curran and his naty and one or two others to brothers in silk and stuff was the spot ; medical aid was imme- a Mr. Conaty, resembling the diately procured, and a copious Tichborne claimant in his out- bleeding brought the patient to ward man, and most negligent his senses. It was no easy thing of his appearance, but simple- at first to insense him of the un- minded and kind-hearted. Many reality of the horrible figure a ludicrous treat he furnished to which had met his eye. If it the danglers about the courts, was not a monster in flesh and when, with unsuspended small- blood, it must have, been the clothes, stockings ungartered, devil. and beard of a few days' growth, And the devil it was to all in- he would maintain an argument tents and purposes in the eyes with Lord Avonmore in the of Denis Brophy, the faithful richest brogue. old servant of Mr. Conaty ; but Mr. Conaty thought not of he consoled the afflicted woman marrying till he had seen his by the assurance that it was all maturity, and then he selected a a mistake on the part of old neatly dressed, tasty, affectionate liorny. " You know, ma'am, little woman, and none could be that 'Torney C lives one side happier than the newly wedded, of us, and 'Torney D on the the only bitter drop in the bride's other. The old fellow was in cup being the uncouth and search of one or the both of slovenly appearance of her lov- them, and just mistook the ing giant. To effect a reform, house.'' MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

despondence ; I returned home CURRANTS FIRST FEE. almost in desperation. When I opened my study, where Lavater John Philpot Curran was alone could have found a library, as small and as insignificant in the first object that presented appearance as Richard Shiel, itself was an immense folio of a but no one who ever had the brief, with twenty golden guineas opportunity of listening to and wrapped up beside it, and the looking at either man, when name of old Bob Lyons marked flinging abroad a torrent of elo- on the back of it. I paid my quence, and marked the glow landlady, bought a good dinner, and animation which lighted up gave Bob Lyons a share of it, his countenance, could let either and that dinner was the starting- of these defects dwell on his point of my prosperity." imagination for a moment. Cur- Curran as vigorously defended ran's birth occurred at Newmar- the political prisoners of the ket, in the county of Cork, on disastrous last years of the the 24th of July, 1750; his death eighteenth century as Sir Toby in London, October 14, 1817. Butler had defended those ob- Curran in his youth was as noxious to the penal laws. Till improvident as some others of a comparatively late date it was his countrymen. He married thought that Leonard MacNally before he touched his first fee, was as sincere as Curran in his and was in straitened circum- exertions to save croppies and stances when that first fee was their well-wishers from Tom brought to his house on Hog Galvin at Kilmainham. Alas ! Hill (now St. Andrew Street). it has transpired that the dis- Mrs. Curran, being a barrister's honest counsellor regularly fur- lady, considered that their land- nished the government officials lady was taking undue liberty with the information which he when reminding her of arrears had obtained in confidence from of rent. The good woman felt the accused or their friends, and herself aggrieved by her tenant's thus rendered their escape hope- airs, and freely aired her own less in most instances. displeasure. A DOG ON THE BENCH. " I walked out one morning," said the eloquent man at a later Lord Clare and Curran date, " to avoid the perpetual entertained a strong dislike to altercations on the subject (of each other. The Chancellor, once rent), with my mind in no en- learning that the barrister was viable condition. I fell into to plead in an important cause gloom, to which, from my in- in the Court of Chancery, placed fancy, I had been occasionally his favourite Newfoundland dog subject. I had a family for at his feet, and paid more atten- whom I had no dinner, and a tion to him than to the argu- landlady for whom I had no ments of the counsellor. At rent. I had gone abroad in last his inattention became so MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

pointedly offensive that the called him to account, saying, 1 pleader abruptly stopped his Mr. Curran, it would be well if harangue. " Go on, Mr. Curran, you were better on your guard go on," said the judge. " Oh, in what you say, for if not, you

' 1 beg a thousand pardons, my may forfeit your gown.' They lord. I really took for granted may take the gown, my lord, that your lordship was holding but they must leave the stuff a consultation." behind/ was the rejoinder."

CURRAN ON CARLE TON. A LAW COURT DISTURBED BY A SWALLOW. Lord Carleton, to whose lot it fell to pass sentence of Lord Carleton presented a death on the brothers Sheares, striking contrast in demeanour would indulge his hearers with to Lord Clonmel (John Scott), a detail of the poor health he who would indulge in buffoonery, enjoyed, and other melancholy as well as fits of passion and circumstances connected with arrogance. In one of his dark his sojourn in this vale of tears. days he was so pressed by the " He never ceased," says Sir arguments, the eloquence, and Jonah Barrington, " to complain the wit of Curran, that he lost of the state of his health, and temper, and ordered the sheriffs frequently introduced Lady to be ready to take any one into Carleton into his book of lamen- custody who would presump- tations." tuously dare to fly in the face One day he entered the court of the court. A swallow at the encumbered with a more than moment happened to be exe- ordinary load of woe, and apo- cuting rapid flights over the logised to the legal gentlemen heads of the assembly in pur- assembled for the necessity in suit of his favourite food, and which he stood of adjourning Curran, directing the officer's business for that day, though attention to the bird, said aloud, there was an important issue " Mr. Sheriff, there is the chief " for trial ; for," added he, in a offender ; take him into custody low tone, "poor Lady Carleton for showing his utter contempt " has had a.faussecouc/ie, and of court by flying in its face." " Oh, then, my lord," exclaimed This sally excited peals of Curran, " your lordship need laughter and restored good hu- not have made any apology, as mour even on the bench. it appears that your lordship has no issue to try." CURRAN' S DUEL WITH Occasionally the judge could BULLY EGAN. be stern enough. " While Cur- ran " (we quote Mr. Fitzpatrick) John Egan, Governor of " was defending the Sheares he Kilmainham prison, and Judge warmed into indignant elo- for the county of Dublin, had a quence, when Lord Carleton heart to match with his mighty G S2 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. size, and was as prone to cry- stack, and I might! as well be over any pitiable circumstance aiming at the edge of a knife as as Mrs. Gummidge herself, not- at his thin carcase." " Well," withstanding his bullying de- said Curran, " let the gentlemen meanour. He was as ready at chalk the size of my body on handling the pistols as he was your side, and let every ball at handing relief to the dis- hitting outside of that go for tressed. It seems strange that nothing." out of the numerous duels aris- Lord Clare was far from being ing from quarrels in the house under the influence of the chi- of parliament and the law courts, valrous spirit which prevailed so few deaths ensued. All were among his brothers of the courts men of undoubted courage, and or the parliament. In his duel all good shots. It can scarcely with Curran he took the most be accounted for, except on ihe deliberate aim. ground of the combatants being free from deadly hate when they A FEW OF CURRAN'S PUNS. came to the ground, and avoid- ing to take aim at the vital parts. It were to be wished that the Most of them went through the collectors of ANAS had left us process in compliance with the more of Curran's genuine witty quasi-call of honour, and were hits and less of his puns. Our ready to shake hands with their readers must be content with opponents the moment it could what we possess, in the absence be done without injury to their of the better things lost. reputation. A person with whom he was Egan and the Master of the conversing, and who was very Rolls meeting at Donnybrook, precise in his pronunciation, the man of law expressed his cried out on one of the com- honour satisfied after discharg- pany, who had just cut down ing his pistol, and was walking curiosity into curosity. " Oh," away. But Egan cried out he said he in a low voice to Curran, was not satisfied without having " how that man murders the " " a shot at his honour. The in- language ! Not exactly so tended victim returned to his bad," was the reply, " he has place, and Egan looked at him only knocked an /out of it." with attention. " After all," Once in cross-examining a said he, " I won't humour you, horse-jockey's servant, he asked nor be bothered killing you. him how old his master was. Come and shake hands, or go " I never put my hand in his to old Nick." mouth," was the appropriate Previous to his exchanging reply. The laugh of the assem- shots with Curran, he directed bly went against the counsellor, the attention of the seconds to but he soon recovered his the odds which his opponent ground. " And very wisely you had over him. " He may hit acted, for by all accounts he is a me as easily as he would a hay- great bite." —

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 33

On another occasion a painter blow. If the thing happened to suffering under his hands, ack- be done, the offender was bound nowledged that he had taken the (no apology being considered liberty of putting his arm round sufficient) to hand the stricken a lady's waist. " Ah," said his man a cane, submit his own torturer, '" I suppose you mistook back to receive chastisement, that waste (waist) for a com- and ask pardon besides. Barry mon?" Yelverton, nephew of Lord Avon- A poor fellow who had the more, thus whimsically illus- misfortune to bear the word trated Rule V., which forbade a Halfpenny for surname, endured stroke or deliberate insult, of for half-an-hour every possible equal gravity. annoyance that could by any Being somewhat intoxicated possibility be associated with at a ball in Cork, where several the idea of that paltry coin. officers were present, he con- The lawyer concluded his exer- trived to affront every one of cise by this short address to the them by abusive language, jost- <; jury, Gentlemen, I am sure ling them, or treading on their you have given full consideration toes. He afterwards presented to this case, and that you won't his card to every aggrieved in- take the trouble of quitting the dividual, but added that it was jury box till you nail this rap to unnecessary to send after him. the counter." He would be in the same ball- room at eight o'clock next DUELLING EXTRAORDI- morning, and give honourable NARY. satisfaction to every one whom he had offended. They would No gentlemen in Europe please to bring their swords feared the ordeal by powder and along with them ; that was his shot less than the Irish gentle- weapon. men of last century, and The regimental surgeon, the none laboured so earnestly to swords, and the officers were make the best of a decidedly punctual to the time prescribed, bad thing. They reduced the and so was Barry. Having institution to a science, and by ascertained that he had given to means of thirty-six rules, to each of four gentlemen an equi- which they gave the title of valent for a blow, he presented H Commandments," protected to every man a cane, and gave the quietly-disposed, honourable them leave to use them on his man from the ill-disposed bravo back if they were so disposed. as much as possible, and when To the remaining five, whom he feasible, settled misunderstand- had simply outraged with the ings without resorting to the tongue, he presented five cards, " dangerous arbitrament of sword the words " I beg your pardon or pistol. being in hand-writing over the Under the code no one was engraved address. " Now, gen- considered justified in giving a tlemen," added he, " I have G 2 8 4 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. made the reparation required by resolve in his eye, so he was well the fifth rule of the Tipperary up to time. " I am hit," said Code. If anyone is still unsatis- the live puncheon, and to the fied, I shall be found on the ground he went. His seconds bridge to-morrow morning with and all gathered round him in a pair of barking irons." He anxiety, but on inspecting the was about to withdraw, but his locality visited by the ball, they whimsical proceeding, his frank found it had been met by the demeanour, and good-natured buckle of the suspender (vulgo, countenance, had such an effect gallows) and turned round his on the officers that they burst out side. "Mac," said the opposing a-laughing, shook him heartily second, " you are the only rogue by the hand, and obliged him to I ever knew who was saved by dine with them. They were the gallows." well repaid for the meat and After this lucky meeting no wine he consumed by his wit barrister would dare to refuse a and drollery. hostile invitation, and often afterwards, grasping his foe- MACNALLY AND THE KIND man's hand, he would cry, GALLOWS. " 1 hat lucky shot of yours was my salvation. I can be no This man, who in Sir Boyle longer insulted with impunity." Roche's parlance turned his MacNally had the gratifica- back on himself, was a successful tion of seeing his opera of practitioner in his day, but not " Robin Hood " successfully in much estimation with his acted. The " Lass of Richmond brothers, whether draped in Hill" was composed by him, in stuff or silk. He was encum- honour of Miss Janson, a great bered with an uneven pair of beauty and great slattern, and a legs, wanted a thumb, was poetess of some pretension. It nearly as broad as he was high, was strange but true neverthe- and his face could not be brought less, that the slovenly poet and to look clean for any considera- the slatternly poetess continued tion. The barristers, when on to love each other when man circuit, would not admit him to and wife. their mess, and none of them Peter Burrowes' precious life would meet him on the field of was saved in the same providen- glory, whatever provocation he tial fashion. Going to meet the might give. At last good luck Honourable Somerset Butler, he

came in his way : a King's happened to change a silver Counsel agreed to meet him on sixpence for five copper pennies the " fifteen acres," and Mac- and one penny's worth of nuts. Nally trod on air in his progress These he carelessly put in his to that fine opening in Phcenix waistcoat pocket, and on the dis- Park. His opponent, contem- charge of his foeman's pistol plating the little beer barrel set they intercepted the bullet, and on two posts, saw mischief and saved his life. The shock, MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 85 however, nearly killed him, for snuff a candle held in his wife's he felt as if some hard substance hand, as far off as the room was driven into his body. Our would allow. authority says that one of the The decay of duelling, and pennies left the head of King the passing away of such men George III. sharply impressed as Bryan Maguire, are blessings on the skin. for which we cannot be too grateful to Providence. BRYAN MAGUIRE. FIRST Some people still living have GEORGE ROBERTS seen this descendant of the regal DUEL. line of Fermanagh, but his mode of spending his time was not George Robert Fitz- that of a prince nor a christian. gerald, the too notorious duel- Grumblers assert that even in list of the duelling era in Ire- this present year of Grace the land, was an exception to the streets of Dublin are not kept general body of the young

clean ; but in Bryan's day a gentlemen of his time—he was crossing had a ridge of mud on irreproachable in his behaviour each side. Bryan's favourite towards women. He was twice custom was to stand in the pass, married, and was deeply be- or traverse it slowly, push any loved by both his wives. The passenger, whose face did not only escapade recorded of him please him, against the muddy was the occasion of his first ridge, and, if he happened to duel. He was son of George complain, propose a hostile Fitzgerald, of Fairlough, near meeting, provided the individual Castlebar, in Mayo, and of Lady had the appearance of a gen- Mary Hervey, maid of honour tleman. When at home he to Princess Amelia. He finished would take his station in the his education at Eton. We find first-floor window, throw a bit of him at the age of sixteen an clay or a small stone at the hat of ensign in a regiment stationed a passer-by, and, when he looked in Galway, and deep in love up, spit in his face. If that was with a young milliner of gentle resented, Bryan graciously gave blood and in the enjoyment of him his choice of walking on as her townsfolk's respect. George if nothing had happened, or at the time was as handsome walking up-stairs, and trying a and well-formed a youth as game of powder and ball with could be found, and the gently- him. His bell-ringing apparatus nurtured girl would gladly be was so constructed that a warn- his wife. But his thoughts ran ing would be given in the lower not on matrimony, and he for- regions by a bullet fired from got the maxims of good morality his easy-chair, and striking a so far one day as to jump over certain portion of it. It was a the counter with the intent of favourite exercise with him to snatching a kiss. At the conse- 86 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. who quent outcry, Mr. Lynch, A BISHOP MILITANT. lived opposite, and who also boasted gentle blood, ran in. George's mother, Lady Mary George drew his sword, but Hervey, was daughter of one, Lynch told him to stay his hand and sister of two Earls of Bris- till he would step across for his tol. So distinguished was the own. "Do you suppose, you family for eccentricity that an rascally shopkeeper, that I would utterer ^of bon-mots once took cross blades with you? I'll give the liberty of saying,—" God you the discipline of my rascal created in the beginning men, thrasher* flourishing an oak women, and Herveys." One of stick, which he habitually car- George's uncles was husband to ried about with him. " If you the lady who "renowned her- raise your stick," said Lynch, self" as the Duchess of Kings- " I'll step across for mine, and ton. Another was the warlike break every bone in your body." Bishop of Derry, who in martial The result was a challenge guise joined the volunteers at sent to George through a Mr. the head of sundry of his clergy- French, and George's challeng- men similarly attired. This ing the messenger, who hap- clever but eccentric dignitary, pened to be a gentleman, for considering himself not duly being the bearer. The pacific appreciated at home, travelled herald desired no better, and to Rome, associated in a most the duel took place in the par- cordial fashion with nobles and lour of a public-house. Fitz- cardinals, affected a modifica- gerald fired first, and the bullet tion of Italian episcopal cos- buried itself in the wainscoat. tume, and would on excursions French's shot was equally harm- give his benediction to poor less, for he had forgotten the monks and peasants with such priming. George Robert would unction as edified and consoled not take his foe at disadvan- the simple people. He probably tage ; he offered him his own hoped that he was in shelter powder-horn and requested him from any fault-finding embassy to prime, and try his hand from the banks of the Foyle, again. The embarrassing situa- but he reckoned without the tion was relieved by the bursting Irish episcopate. A solemn mis- open of the door by the people sive came to him from beyond of the house. sea, conveying the reports to his Through the course of his discredit that were in circulation brief and stormy existence, Fitz- at home, respectfully requesting gerald exhibited numerous in- an explanation, and urgently stances of fearlessness, gene- exhorting him to return to the I rosity, and punctilious honour, ! arms of his flock. He gave the epistle his most serious atten- more than counterbalanced, \ however, by ferocity, arrogance, I tion, began a stately answer in and occasional fits of cruelty approved and ceremonious style,

and cowardice. I acknowledged the kind commu- —

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 37 nication, began apparently to the least abashed, "in order to prepare for his apology or ex- prevent the recurrence of such planation, wandered a little, accidents, I would simply recom- and, alas ! concluded in this mend you to get your mitre distressing fashion : painted on your back." Had we lived seventy years earlier " Three blue beans in a blue bladder, we would much rather have had Rattle beans, rattle bladder. " Bristol and Derry." business with the genial Bishop of Derry than the ungenial AN ARCHBISHOP OF A Archbishop of Dublin. DIFFERENT STAMP. THE POIITE 10RD Our old acquaintance, Bully CHESTERFIELD. Egan, was not in many respects a model man ; his wit was not Earl Stanhope was not of a refined cast, his abuse of only the pink of politeness, but his opponents rather rough and a tolerant and judicious go- savage, but he was an honest vernor of Ireland during his public man. Rather than sup- vice-royalty. When he came port the unpopular Union he here the Roman Catholics were refused the office of Baron of not allowed the liberty of meet- the Exchequer, and ,£3,500 a- ing in any building for the pur- year. " He galloped/' writes Sir pose of public worship. A large Jonah Barrington, <; like a dray- number of them being collected horse over all his opponents, for the object of hearing mass plunging, and kicking, and over- on the loft of a store in the throwing all before him." He neighbourhood of Bridge Street, died soon after in narrow cir- the floor gave way under the cumstances. weight of the crowd, and about " Egan " — we quote from a hundred and thirty were killed. " The Sham Squire"—was fond The Lord-Lieutenant took ad- of bathing at the Black Rock. vantage of the public sympathy One morning, having flung his to grant permission to the op- enormous carcase into the water, pressed people to meet for wor- he came into collision with some ship where they pleased, so that other person similarly employed. their chapels should not be in " Sir," exclaimed a mouth out of a street line nor furnished with the water, " I presume you are belfries. not aware against whom you The same learned and courtly have so rudely jostled." " I lord, intending probably to com- didn't care if you were old pliment the people whom he Nick," replied Egan, flounder- ruled, condescended to a prac- ing about like a great sea mon- tical bull. Hearing the fine ster. " You are a bear, sir," park in which his lodge was continued the mouth, " and I placed called Finnisk (Fiomi am the Archbishop of Dublin." Uisgc, Fair Water), he set up a " Well," retorted Egan, not in pillar near his residence, with —

88 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. a phoenix on the summit, and " I never met but one 'de- the misnomer, " Phoenix Park," serving that character, sire." " will remain attached to the de- " No! And who was that ? " mesne while water is to be found Miss Ambrose, sire." in the Spa well within, or the Liffey without. LORD TOWNSHEND. Rather than allow his polite- ness to be affected by disuse, This open-handed viceroy, Lord Chesterfield would pay who was so sadly pestered by " delicate compliments to the the articles in the Freeman's " wives and daughters of Roman Journal (The Baratariand), put Catholic citizens. Miss Am- no money in his purse from his brose, daughter of a distiller, allowance as Lord Lieutenant. being present at a Drawing On the contrary, he lavished Room with an orange ribbon much of his own private pro- incumbering the bosom of her perty, and even incurred heavy gown, his Excellency greeted debts to enable him to maintain station with suitable her with this quatrain : his high dignity. "He was," says Mr. Hardy, " a gallant soldier, the " Pretty Tory, where's the jest Of wearing orange on a breast, military associate of Wolfe, Which in whiteness doth disclose frank, convivial, abounding in The beauty of the rebel rose?" wit and humour — sometimes more than was strictly conso-

The zealous AldermanWatson nant to the vice-regal dignity ; venturing to expostulate with capricious, uncertain, he not him for keeping in his service a unfrequently offended the higher coachman who went to mass, orders." His politics were found he said he did not dread him so much fault with, but no one long as he did not insist on denied him the possession of driving himself there. The many social virtues, hospitality same sturdy partizan breaking in chief. in on him when at breakfast, Like the Arabian Caliph or cried, " Your Excellency, they Fitzjames of Stirling, he fre- are all rising (he meant for quently traversed the city in the Pretender) in Connaught." disguise, and once it pleased " Well," was the cool answer, him to have a joke with Mr. his Colonel while the speaker looked at M—, house-steward to watch, " They ought to have Clements, the chief secretary. been up three hours since. It This worthy man saw one is ten o'clock." morning an humble-looking In an interview with the person approaching the gate of King (Geo. II.) on his return the lodge, and entering into from Ireland, his Majesty asked conversation with him, he asked him, in the course of conversa- his business. "I heard that tion, if the Irish papists were Lady Clements wanted a gar- not most dangerous persons. dener, and I am come to look for — —"

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 89 the situation."— " Haveyou lived with Johnson, Garrick, Burke, "— in many situations ? " A great and Goldsmith, and subse- many, and I know my business quently returned to his native well."—" Lady Clements was at country, where he filled the a ball last night, and it will be above-mentioned office under some time before you can see twelve successive viceroys. her ; but come into my room, During Lord Townshend's ad- and take a bit of breakfast in ministration, 1 767- 1 772, he and the meanwhile." The poor man Dean Marlay, with Rev. Mr. gratefully accepted the invita- Simcox and Captain John tion, and repaid his host by his Courtenay, kept Dublin alive agreeable talk on many subjects. with squibs, and lampoons, and At last word came that Lady witty articles in "The Mercury," Clements was at leisure to speak the office of which was on the with the stranger, and Mr. M west side of Parliament Street, conducted, him into her pre- within four doors of Essex sence. Imagine his astonish- Street. These men of wit were ment when the false gardener welcome guests at the table of entered laughing, holding out the viceroy, whose social good his hand to the fair mistress, qualities we have already men- and she took it with every sign tioned. Lucas, that lover of of respect, and he recognised national independence, could the viceroy in disguise. " Good not afford to let his Catholic friend," said he, turning to his countrymen share in the coveted late host, " I must show my blessing, but Jephson was a sense of your kindness in re- consistent denouncer of the ceiving a needy stranger with penal laws. * The " Mercury" such genuine good nature. writers were at daggers drawn Your son shall be appointed with the Baratarians of the Keeper of the Ordnance in " Freeman's Journal," and much Cork." The worthy man's bitter wit was expended on both family concerns prospered from sides. The Lucas party main- that hour. Another son dis- tained that " The Mercury charged in time the duties of patronised by the Lord Lieu- the Master of the Rolls. tenant, was under Jesuit manage- ment. One of the Lucas poets MIRRORS VERSUS thus bespattered the castle wits : GRIMACES. ' A master of horse, dean, rector, and cap- Robert Jephson, the poet tain,

Political junto together are wrapt in ; satirist already mentioned, and A poet the dean, and a toper the rector, was Master of the Horse to A buffoon the horse rider, the captain a Lord Townshend. After seeing hector, This poet and toper, this bully and jester, service in the seventy-third re- Our city with lies and scurrility pester, giment of foot, he enjoyed for While the rector and captain are jovially quaffing, his half-pay in Lon- some time The dean and the master of horse keep don, being on intimate terms them laughing. go MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

The buffoon coins the joke, and the untimely exercise of his wit rhymer indites it, at father's The rector commands, and the hack cap when dining my house. The dinner was given And then Popish Mercury serves as a jet to the Lord Lieutenant, the d'eau To play off the slanders of this vile quar- Marquis of Buckingham, who tetto, happened to observe in an un- Who the best in the malice of sport thus the reflection of bespatter, lucky mirror With ironical nonsense and impudent Jephson in the act of mimick- satire. ing himself. He immediately For Marlay, and Simcox, and Courtenay, and Jephson, discharged him from the His favours in private our governor heaps laureateship. on, Every night in the hopes of preferment, to him flocks THE DUKE OF RUTLAND. This set, —Marlay, Jephson, and Cour- tenay, and Simcox ; This nobleman, whose reign And Simcox, and Marlay, and Jephson, and Courtenay, as viceroy began about 1786, was For wine and a supper, the old tower a softened, copy of the Regent resort nigh. Philippe d'Orleans. He had as Where our resident Viceroy holds scan- dalous parley sincere a desire that every With Courtenay, and Jephson, and Sim- peasant in the Kingdom might cox, and Marlay. Sure Satan alone could such mischievous afford himself and his family a hounds send pullet, or at least a piece of friends of poor Ireland to bark for As the in his pot as the good Lord Townshend." bacon, natured Henri Ouatre himself, Jephson was not a mere para- but he took small pains to effect site. When the character of that desirable object. the viceroy was attacked in the If being clothed in fine linen, House of Commons after his silk, and wool, and faring sump- departure from Ireland, he tuously everyday, and conferring loyally and courageously de- knighthood on unfit subjects, to the benefit fended it. We set high value could have tended on old Dublin-printed copies of of Ireland, the pleasure-loving Jephson's tragedies, Braganza and social Duke of Rutland " and the Count of Narbonne, would have been the Man for chiefly from their association Galway" and all the country with happy memories of youth. from that to Dublin. Jephson was in receipt of Being once obliged (probably an annual salary as the poet for some unrepented sin^ to pass laureate of the Dublin Court. the night at Kilbeggan, and Cuffe, He lost it in the manner related finding his host Mr. an by Lord Cloncurry, and quoted obliging and zealous caterer, by his biographer, Mr. Fitz- and being besides overtaken by patrick. Mr. Cuffe's good liquor, he had " Jephson lived at Blackrock, him into the banqueting room, " in a house which still remains, and then and there struck him nearly opposite Maretimo. He with his blade," and bade Sir lost place and pension by an Nicholas Cuffe arise. With the MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 9* morning came reflection and The Duchess was acknow- repentance, and Sir Nicholas ledged on all hands to be the was sent for. " Mr. Cuffe, I most beautiful woman in Dub- believe that I rather exceeded lin, but in time a report came to my ordinary stint last night her ears that she had a rival in ; your liquor was so agreeable the person of the wife of Mr. and so powerful. Your good Dillon, woollen draper, at No. 5, sense will consider anything Francis Street. Great was the that passed (as regards yourself) excitement of that unfashionable merely as a piece of pleasantry, street and its neighbourhood a social joke. You'll speak of the day that the vice-regal car- it to no one, and forget it as riage stopped before No. 5, and quickly as possible."—" Really, the Lady Lieutenant stepped your Excellency, I would do into the emporium of broadcloth anything to obleege you, but, and rattheen. Mrs. Dillon was unfortunately, I mentioned the not in the shop, and the dis- honour conferred on me to my mayed foreman was about missiz, and now she'd die before entering the parlour to summon she'd give up the honour and her to the post of danger, but glory of being called Leedy the Duchess told him not to take Cuffe." that trouble. " She would step Mrs. THE DUCHESS OE in," and in she went. Dillon received her with all the RUTLAND. respect due to her noble quali- The beautiful and fascinating ties and her station, and at the or Duchess did much to enhance same time Avithout flurry her husband's popularity. In awkwardness. In the course that time the North Circular of the conversation the Duchess Road was the Hyde Park of looked at her as earnestly as Dublin. On Sundays the vice- good manners would allow, and easily regal chariot and six, and several uttered these words, not other chariots of sixes and fours to be forgotten by their object : passed and repassed each other " There is no exaggeration in with friendly greetings between what they say of you. You are the occupants, while a guard of the handsomest woman in the honour on horseback on each three kingdoms." hand, consisting of the nobility A woman such as her Grace and gentry, added to the social must have been as great an ob- enjoyment, and the citizens on ject of love and admiration in foot forming the outer boundary the Court of Dublin as Mary of of the long and animated con- Scotland was at Holyrood. course, respectfully saluted their Probably the lords and gentle- noble favourites, and received men at table in the castle one friendly recognitions in return. day were little surprised or In the fine summer evenings the scandalised at seeing Colonel great folk promenaded in the St. Leger take up the glass in beautiful Rotundo Gardens. which she had just washed her MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. mouth and fingers, and swallow stood fire, and thus " made his " its contents ! St. Leger," said face white," declared on his " the Duke, you are in luck : her honour as a gentleman, and his Grace washes her feet to-night, faith as a christian, that he had and you shall have a full bumper neither in thought nor deed done after supper." his opponent any wrong, and that if the lady had said to the A CUNNING WOMAN. contrary she must be deranged. Mr. Cuffe gave thorough belief The Honourable James Cuffe to what he heard, got an insight (afterwards Lord Tyrawley) was into his wife's design, and sent not blessed with so amiable a her word by a confidential friend wife as the Duchess of Rutland. that he would allow her but a This ill-assorted pair were not small annuity in consequence of favoured with any issue, and her wily conduct. The friend that circumstance, backed by gently reminding her of her con- others, created in the lady an fession to her wronged husband, intense dislike to her husband. she denied it in toto, said it was She besought him for a separate a pure invention on Mr. Cuffe's maintenance, but he did not part, in order to inflict on her wish to be made a subject of ill- the disgrace of a separation, and natured gossip, and refused. that a liberal annuity she would However, she was determined insist on, or appeal to the laws on a divided life, and thus she of her country. " Would she secured it. Taking her oppor- say, forsooth, that she had tunity, she fell on her knees sinned with Mr. Scott? No. before her surprised husband, When her husband wrongly confessed that she had been accused her of favouring some false to her conjugal vows, that other person, all she said was, John Scott, Attorney-General that he might as well suspect (afterwards Lord Clonmel), was Mr. Scott, who in his life had the cause of her crime, and now never said a civil word to her. her breast was clear of its horri- She defied him to produce the ble secret, he might do as he least impropriety on her part, thought proper. What he yet he had cruelly turned her thought best to be done was, in out of doors, and proclaimed her the first place, to send her to a a guilty wife." The Honourable private lodging, and in the next Mr. Cuffe found he had been to upbraid John Scott, and call very cleverly circumvented, and him to the field of strife. yielded to the demand made on Scott, though conscious of no his patrimony. wrong towards the honourable We have already hinted at James, knew the code of honour the character of Lord Clonmel. too well to declare his innocence, "He was," in the words of his and decline the combat. The friend, Sir Jonah, " courageous, parties met, and discharged vulgar, humorous, artificial. their weapons, and Scott having He cultivated the powerful, he MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 93 bullied the timid, he fought the rendered himself very distaste- brave, he flattered the vain, he ful to the angry and arbi- duped the credulous, and he trary judge, who consequently amused the convivial. His lan- punished him by issuing fiats, guage was coarse, and his prin- and subjecting him to durance ciples arbitrary." vile till sums of fabulous amount would be paid. On one occa- JUDGES WITH THE COURT sion when enjoying, through season of TO THEMSELVES. means of heavy bail a temporary liberty, and finding Lord Clonmel having once himself in possession of ^14,000 grossly insulted Mr. Hackett, a he settled ,£10,000 on his barrister, the father of the bar family, and vowed he would called a general meeting of the spend the balance on Lord body to consider the matter, and Clonmel. The unpopular law- large on it was then and there resolved, lord had spent a sum that until his lordship publicly the improvement of his villa apologised, " no barrister would and its dependencies near either take a brief, appear in the Blackrock, and as some ground King's Bench, or sign any plead- of comparatively little value lay ings for that court." side by side with it, Mr. Magee " They abided by their resolve, bought it up, named it Fiat and next day neither counsellor Hill," and taking an early oppor- nor attorney made an appear- tunity, gave notice in his paper ance, and Lord Clonmel and his that on a certain day he would, brothers had full leisure and at Fiat Hill, give an entertain- opportunity to pare their nails, ment to all his friends and mend pens, and speculate on patrons, private and political, the loneliness of a court without known and unknown, washed classic litigants or pleaders. The ill- and unwashed. The tempered and imperious judge sports and games of climbing becoming tired of this inaction, soaped poles for prizes at the hastened home, wrote an ample top, grinning through horse- apology, and sent it to the papers collars, cudgel playing, and with directions to affix the date securing fat pigs by their shaved all of the previous evening to it. and soaped tails— would be Costi- He thus strove to make it appear celebrated. Silvester that the apology was made from gan's best malt whiskey would good will, and a sense of what be had for the asking, and was right. ladies and gentlemen would be entertained at a table d'hote. LORD CLONMEL AND THE At one o'clock the ball would OL YMPIC PIG HUNT. be kicked on Fiat Hill, dinner done justice to at three o'clock, Mr. Magee, proprietor of cudgel playing exhibited at five the " Dublin Evening Post," a under the eyes of cool umpires, clever, but eccentric man, had and the entire festival celebrated 94 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

in honour of the birthday of the Prince of Wales. A JUDGE CALLED ON AS Thousands of people assem- WITNESS. bled, and the judge cursed his own imprudence in not having Magee being on trial before secured Fiat Hill in time. The his judicial foe for a libel on the joyous tumult and confusion Sham Squire which had appeared distracted him as he took in the in his paper on a certain day, terrible sights and sounds at his pleaded absence. It happened window. But Magee's victory to correspond with the date of was not complete till all the a minor festival held on Fiat joyous proceedings culminated Hill, in which figured asses in the Olympic Pig-hunt. Several dressed up in wigs and scarlet strong specimens of these way- robes, and dancing dogs in ward animals with well prepared barristers' equipments. Magee tails, were let loose on Plat on that occasion espied the Hill, and after suffering unheard- judge at his window bestowing of tortures at the hands of the very sour looks on the exhibi- unwashed portion of the crowd, tion, 'and next day he overtook they directed their flight to him going into town. what seemed the entrance to a "You may recollect the cir- harbour of safety, viz., the hedge cumstance, my lord," said he, which separated the hostile pro- "for your lordship was riding perties. The twigs and thorns cheek by jowl with your own were not a pleasant medium brother, Matthias Scott, the through which to enter into tallow-chandler from Water- their rest, but the hard and ford, and audibly discsussing the merciless hands behind were price of fat at the very moment infinitely worse. Through the I passed you."' barrier they dashed, and after One of the brothers Scott had them, fearless of legal conse- a double, the other a triple chin, quences, went the mob. Lord so there was an outrageous Clonmel would be dreaded in burst of laughter in the court. their cool moments, but Costi- Scott, however, won the game gan's whiskey imparted courage, in the war of wits. He seemed and their vast numerical force to commune a while with his inspired them with confidence. brother judges, and then declar- To secure the runaways they re- ing his opinion that the prisoner morselessly crushed flower-beds was in a paroxysm of insanity, out of colour and form, invaded directed the marshal to take the privacy of summer houses, charge of him till a lucid interval and dismantled shrubberies. should occur. Little as we respect the memory All the frowning, bewigged of the judge, we sympathise majesty of Lord Clonmel on the deeply with the suffering pro- bench, never imposed the slight- prietor of the nicely kept para- est awe on Magee's soul, though dise, now a desolate waste. it required all the moral courage —

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES 95 of the boldest barrister to enable reverse of agreeable to his lady, him to bear up against it. One and she remonstrated accord- day, during which a dispute be- ingly with the counsellor. He tween Francis Higgins of the was either unwilling or afraid to " Freeman's Journal," and him- press the matter on his wife, and self was being investigated, he the inspection continued. Lady stood up and addressed the Clonmel, finding her wishes dis- bench. In his speech he men- regarded, adopted another plan. tioned his opponent by his sobri- She hinted to a lady, who was quet, the " Sham Squire." The not slow in conveying the re- judge interrupted him with the mark to the offending party, remark that he would allow no that Lady Barrington was so nicknames in the court. " Very accustomed to look out of a well, John Scott," replied the shop window to display her editor of " The Post,' 5 and re- silks and satins, that she could sumed his seat. not relinquish the habit, how- ever unsuitable the place. What- ever configuratioji took place between Sir OPPOSITE Jonah and his BUT NOT spouse, the window was bricked FRIENDLY NEIGHBOURS. up, and the unsightly excres- cence still encumbers the corner THE observant Dublin flaneur, house of Montague Street. or the equally observant Lon- Lady Clonmel would have don visitor, as he proceeds from shown more discretion by not Stephen's Green to the Wexford alluding disrespectfully to trade. Railway Station, along the west The Cloncurry family owe their side of Harcourt Street, takes rise to an industrious and lucky notice of a curved projection of woollen draper of Thomas Street. brickwork in the place once The first lord, being present occupied by a large bow win- at the performance of " Don dow on the first floor of the Quixote," in Crow Street Theatre, house in the angle of Harcourt enjoyed the tossing of Sancho in and Montague streets. In that the blanket as much as if he house once dwelt Sir Jonah had handled the yard measure Barrington, and in the oppo- behind the counter that morn- site angular house lived Lord ing, and laughed from his heart. Clonmel. Lady Barrington was In the Sham Squire's paper, the daughter of Mr. Grogan, a silk " Freeman's Journal," the follow-

mercer ; Lady Clonmel, nde ing lines appeared next morn- Lawless, belonged to the Clon- ing. How the worthy nobleman curry family. In her large bow incurred the ridicule is not easily window Lady Barrington, ar- ascertained. Had he shown the rayed in the richest silks, would paltry pride or exclusiveness of sit with a complacent air, and a parvenu you might, O Sha- contemplate the doings in the mado, have disparaged him with

judge's house. This was the our entire approbation ; 96 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

' Cloncurry, Cloncurry, with wine. The pawnbroker Why in such a hurry To laugh at the comical squire ? had a bad head for potation, For though he's tossed high, though a good one for valuation. Yet you cannot deny, He fell asleep That blankets have tossed yourself and under the higher." table almost simultaneously, and when he awoke to full conscious- THE WAY SIR JONAH ness, Sir Jonah, accompanied by TOOK TO FRANCE. the plate, was on his way to Boulogne, never again to visit No one who has added to his his native land." — The Sham Avho information, and has been Squire, by W. J. Fitzpatrick, agreeably amused into the bar- Esq., J.P. gain by the perusal of Sir Jonah Barrington's " Personal Recol- A LORD FAR OUTDONE BY lections/' can be but disap- A BARBER. pointed and grieved by the cir- cumstances connected with his We could forgive and forget quitting his native land for the some of Lord Clonmel's failings last time. and peccadilloes, but one mean "He had pledged his family and dishonest act of his must plate for a considerable sum to for ever sink his character in Mr. John Stevenson, pawnbroker the estimation of every one pos- and member of the Common sessed of common honour and Council. ' My dear fellow/ said honesty. His step-daughter, a the knight condescendingly, as lady possessed of considerable he dropped in one day to that property, having been married person's private closet, l I'm in to Mr. Byrne, of Mullinahack,

a d— 1 of a hobble. I asked, her husband applied to the lord quite impromptu, the lord-lieu- for a transfer of the stock. The tenant, chancellor, and judges guardian answered, "Mrs. Byrne to dine with me, forgetting how is a lapsed papist, and I must awkwardly I was situated, and, avail myself of the laws which I by Jove ! they've written to say administer to withhold the they'll come. Of course I could money." Mr. Byrne filed a bill not entertain them without the for the recovery of the fortune, plate. I shall require it for that but could not obtain justice. evening only, but it must be on Let us contrast this piece of one condition, that you come knavery with the noble conduct yourself to the dinner and re- of a poor Protestant barber, a present the Corporation. Bring native of Munster, who, when the plate with you, and take it no one professing the Catholic back at night.' The pawn- religion could hold land in fee, broker was dazzled : although kept their estates in trust for not usually given to nepotism, perhaps a score of families of he willingly embraced the pro- that persuasion, and could at posal. During dinner and after any time he pleased take actual it he (Sir Jonah) plied his uncle possession of castles and de- !

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 97

mesnes. Yet the noble fellow dispossessed. An item or two

never broke trust ; he let the of the expenses of the police properties be enjoyed by their have been preserved. If their rightful owners, and shaved and convenience in other depart- cut hair to support himself and ments was as well attended to, family to the end. There is a they were better fitted for the rumour, we fear an independible enjoyment of life than the dis- one, that the Munster Catholics charge of its duties. A com- intend to petition the Dublin mittee of inquiry came on the Corporation for the removal of following items of expense in

a dreadful piece of black art the office : — Two inkstands, flings of s. 6d. three pen-knives, which an atmosphere £5 5 ;

gloom round the junction of £2 2s. 3

College Street and Westmore- £100 ! ! land Street, and replace it by the effigy of the faithful clipper of hair, executed by the best ACTIVE AND HONEST sculptor to be found in the land. MAGISTRATES. Lord Clonmel having outrage- ously abused his privilege of Some seventy years since, issuing fiats for large sums, our police authorities, thougl', chiefly to the prejudice of the as we have seen, they looked eccentric proprietor of the carefully after their conveni- " Evening Post," the power of ences, were found exceedingly repeating such wicked deeds negligent and inefficient in the was taken by Parliament out of discharge of their duties. Fre- his and every future justice's quently the magistrates of the hands about the year 1790. county did the duty of the city officials. On the occasion of a local riot, Mr. Drury, called the HO IV THE MONEY WENT " Lame Justice," ascended to IN POIICE OFFICES. his garret in the Coombe as a field-marshal in our days would The " Sham Squire," some choose an eminence, whence to time proprietor of the " Free- consider and direct the various man's Journal," had an interest manoeuvres of his troops. From of some kind in the profits of a this vantage-post, as Curran gambling house of evil repute, ex- afterwards remarked on a trial tending from Parliament Street connected with the exploits of to Crane Lane. The inefficient that day, "he played with con- police of the day occasionally siderable effect on the rioters made a show of repressing it. with a large double-barrelled Raids would be made, trifling telescope." seizures effected, and the second The honesty of some of the night after the devil would oc- magistrates was on a par with cupy his throne in as splendid their inefficiency. The spoil re- style as if he had never been covered from robbers and thieves " MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. was of course carefully depo- the profit of the Crane Lane sited in drawers, and if a plun- hell, and, to crown his infamy, dered man did not fully iden- found means of betraying Lord tify the rogue who did the deed Edward's hiding-place to the he had small chance of recover- castle authorities, and thus en- ing his property. A Mr. Gonne titling himself to a heavy re- being, thus despoiled and all ward. His character was not, hope of recovering his property however, a thoroughly evil one, lost, waylaid the magistrate he was practically grateful for as he was leaving the office and any good offices received in asked him the hour. He pulled early life, and not insensible to out his pocket-piece, and the the calls of charity. moment Gonne laid his eyes on Matthias Giffard, proprietor it, he exclaimed with an exple- of the " Dublin Journal," and tive for which the magistrate already mentioned by his sobri- might have exacted five shil- quet, " The Dog in Office," was

lings, " Oh , that is my perhaps a more absolute and watch ! arrogant enlightener of the public mind than Francis Hig- A PAIR OF PUBLIC gins himself. We have already INSTRUCTORS. alluded to his utter extinction under Grattan's withering elo- The nickname of " Sham quence, and the hoax played on Squire " was given to a certain him at the death of Dr. Pa- Francis Higgins, who, though trick Duigenan. However, he belonging to the lowest rank of did not lose courage. Mr. Potts, " Dublin society, contrived, by proprietor of Saunders's News getting himself passed off as a Letter," having had the ill-luck gentleman of property, to ob- of offending the great man, he tain in marriage the daughter selected the time about which of William Archer, a respect- the congregation were coming able merchant. Being com- out of Taney Church, to ad- mitted to Newgate for this and minister to the inoffensive, un- other misdeeds connected with suspicious man a sound cudgel- ling. " it, he managed to make his What disgraceful scene " imprisonment the first step of a is this ? said a chance specta- rapid rise in the world. He tor who had arrived late on the " obtained the rank of attorney- field of battle. Oh, nothing," at-law, and contriving to em- replied an unfeeling bystander, barrass the proprietor of the who was acquainted with the " Freeman's Journal," the poor parties and their little disagree- " man was obliged to give him up ments, but a Dog licking his interest in the paper. Be- Potts." sides enjoying Government A PRODIGAL BROTHER. patronage for his venal sheet, he enlarged his property by From one of our homely having a share of some kind in proverbs we learn that there are MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 99 but few trees which cannot a very solemn promise that he furnish as much rotten wood as would never set up again as a would consume them when cobbler in his neighbourhood. kindled. A scapegrace brother of John Philpot Curran furnishes an illustration. This worthy FUNERAL RITES PER- was an attorney, resembling FORMED OVER THE the great barrister in counte- LIVING. nance, but taller and better-look- ing. Whatever wit he pos- The bibulous and dissolute sessed he clothed in slang ; he habits of attorney Curran did kept dissolute company, and, not attract so much notice after giving his brother much seventy or eighty years ago, as annoyance, he was finally ex- they would now. Sober young cluded from his house. Still men would get no peace from the counsellor relieved his em- their seniors till they had barrassments, but at last seeing "made their head," i.e., were they were never likely to end, able to imbibe much liquor he stayed his hand. before they disappeared below Driven to desperation, he the table. An elderly clergy- adopted an ingenious plan to man related to the late Edward extract further aid from his in- Walsh, Master of the Rolls, censed relative. He got per- that when he was going from mission from the authorities to home to college for the first set up a wooden box against a time, he was secured at the piece of dead wall opposite his house of a hospitable tyrant, and brother's house, in Ely Place, had to endure two or three and over it he got painted the nights of hard drinking, and inscription, " Curran, cobbler ; the same number of most miser- shoes soled or heeled. When able mornings, the only remedy the stall is shut inquire over the suggested by his host on these way." occasions being " a hair of the The unfortunate counsellor dog that bit him," i.e., a glass of on returning from court one raw spirits. The third or fourth day, beheld his persecutor in night he and another escaped, appropriate costume, sitting in and hid among the deer in the the stall, and holding forth to neighbouring park, though sundry chairmen grouped round. hotly pursued by the old As his brother came up, he stagers. nodded carelessly to him, Next morning when return- greeted him with " How do you ing to the house, they witnessed do, Jack ? " and then pretended a miserably ludicrous scene. to be absorbed in his business. All who had preserved their The man in the big house senses till dawn, were now could not, of course, abide such seen occupied, some pulling, a neighbour. He sent for him and others pushing a car with a and relieved him, after exacting broad flat body, on which, H 2 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. covered with a sepulchral sheet, ing each other, giving the lie, lay supine the bodies of the calling out on unfair play, and drink-conquered topers. The finally clashing swords as if en- survivors were chanting the gaged in a brawl. The poor Caoi?ie (funeral dirge) as well buck awaking, hearing the up- as their feverish tongues and roar, and seeing nothing what- palates could afford, and ac- ever, came to the conclusion cording as they passed the re- that he had been deprived of sidences of their (apparently) his sight. Under this awful im- dead comrades, they gave the pression he fell on his knees, bodies in charge to members prayed for the first time for of their families or gate-house many years, and even invoked keepers, according to circum- the Blessed Virgin, for Buck stance. A few duels were the English's early years had been result, the overtaken parties not passed in catholic practices. approving of bodies only dead He was conveyed through dark- drunk receiving funereal rites. ened passages into a darkened room, and there he endured some hours' agony in bed. At HOW BUCK ENGLISH BE- an early hour in the morning CAME BLIND. his kind friends visited him, sympathised with his sufferings, inquired after his spiritual state, Daly's Club House, originally and finally debated whether the in Dame Street, was abandoned celebrated oculist, Dr. Rouviere, aid. in 1 79 1 for the fine block of might not be called to buildings extending in College "He might, perhaps, accom- Green, from Anglesea Street to plish something for their dear Foster Place. Many a fine friend." With all their pre- estate changed its owner at cautions the increasing daylight Daly's, and many a well-to-do became dimly perceptible in the family was ruined by the high chamber, and making a virtue play in which Buck Whalley, of necessity, they flung open the

Buck Jones, Buck Lawless, Buck window. Alas ! the reign of English, and other reckless prayer and praise was past. Up individuals of that species in- sprung the patient with a dozen dulged. One night in the of curses on his lips, and cries middle of the Saturnalia, the for pistols or small swords. He last-named individual happened would have the lives of every to fall asleep, and it entered man of them. He knocked into the brains of his associates down the groom porter, Peter to frighten him, who dreaded Davenant, at all events ; but neither powder, lead, nor steel. soft words from his tormentors, They extinguished the lights, and joy for the recovered sense, " and the fire, sat down again, smoor'd his wrath," and all and acted a gambling scene to were soon enjoying a hearty the life, contradicting and curs- breakfast. MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. AN IRISH ATTEMPT AT A gift in the power of Govern- CLASSIC TRIUMPH. ment to bestow distinguished the once provost of Trinity On the 24th of January, 1799, College, the Right Honourable the proposition in favour of the Hely Hutchinson. Besides his union was negatived in the Irish provostship he was receiver- House of Commons by a major- general for Dublin, and if not ity of five, and so gratified were belied he solicited a majority in the people outside, that they un- a regiment of dragoons for his yoked the horses from the car- daughter. When this applica- riage of the speaker, John tion was laid before Lord North, Foster, and proceeded to draw he raised his hands in admira- him to his residence. Catching tion, and cried out, " Well as I sight of Fitzgibbon, the very un- was acquainted with the pro- sympathising Lord Chancellor, vost's power of swallow, I did the happy idea of harnessing did not expect this. But if the him to the triumphal car pre- venerable man was granted Ire- sented itself to the general mind land for a farm, he would cer- of the mob, and was instantly tainly expect the Isle of Man adopted. The obnoxious man, for a cabbage garden." judging ftom the sudden un- Though what follows is a mere friendly of movement the people modern joke, it presents such a that they meant him no good, consistent double to the one re- widened the distance between lated, that it would be a pity to them and himself with all the separate them. haste which dignity would per- Two gentlemen walking down mit. They gave chase, and Sackville Street, " discoursed, came up with him in Clarendon 'mong other matter," of the Street, but he took refuge in a characters and customs of car- doorway, and with a cocked men. Both agreed on their pistol in each hand prepared to "wish for more," but differed their receive overtures. As they in degree. " I will make a wager had no intention to do him of two guineas with you," said bodily harm, and no one was one to the other, " that if you anxious to receive one of the give a guinea to any boy we balls, they set up a loud laugh may engage for a short drive, it and cheer, left him there, and will not content him."—" Done," finished their interrupted work said the less experienced man. of love with loud acclamations. They hailed a car, got on it, and Had some among them read of bade the proprietor drive them captives obliged to grace the to the Four Courts. There des- triumphs of victorious Roman cending from their eminence, the generals ? doomed gentleman presented THE QUINTESSENCE OF the golden fare. Glad surprise COVETOUSNESS. mantled over the fellow's fea- tures for a moment, but it was AN insatiable appetite for every quickly routed by an expres- MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. sion of unsatisfied covet- exhibited a small stock of worth- ousness. " Ah, please your less articles by the flags in Sack- honour," said he, devouring the ville Street. Her little basket coin with his eye, " I wish to was covered by a net. She kept drink your honour's health, and her dress scrupulously clean, it would be such a mighty pity and received more alms than an to change this guinea. Maybe ordinary beggar, owing to her your honour will spare me the silent, unobtrusive demeanour.. other sixpence." The poor " She dreamed of a number gentleman paid three guineas that was to make her fortune, for his lesson of street wisdom and next day being led to a that unlucky day. lottery office, she insured it. It was not drawn, and she lost, but LOTTERY LUCK. convinced that it was to make her fortune, she still persisted in Let Providence be praised insuring it. Her little store was for inspiring our rulers to abolish soon exhausted. She sold her lotteries. For one person bene- clothes, and pledged her basket, fited by them ninety-nine were but her number still stuck in the injured, some ruined, and others wheel, and when she had nothing driven to suicide. It is said left she was obliged to desist. that the Phoenix of Dublin book- She still, however, inquired after sellers, Luke White, got a strong the number, and found it had push up the steep of fortune by been drawn the very day she a few lucky tickets. These ceased to insure it. She groped having lain his on hands for a her way to the Royal canal, and time, he became discouraged, threw herself into it.'' {Ireland and sent them at reduced price before the Union. By Mr. Fitz- to Belfast one morning. The patrick.) evening of the same day he re- ceived information that the des- A DISRETUTARLE LINE pised tickets had turned up EXTING UISIIED. prizes. The night was stormy, the coach had a day's start, but Sir Henry Luttrel, one of the man bent on wealth was not the Jacobite officers, was strongly dismayed. Mounting a service- suspected of betraying his trust able horse, he rode in pursuit, {vulgo, selling the pass) at the and never drew rein till he fight of Aughrim. However overtook the leisurely vehicle that be, Lord Carhampton, the twenty miles this side of Belfast. last Luttrel of the line, exhibited He recovered his property, ate, before and during the wretched drank and slept at his leisure era of " Ninety-eight ;; the worst while returning, and touched qualities of our nature ; violence his prizes in due time. Let us offered to young girls, torture, consider the obverse of the half-hanging included, inflicted medal. on suspected persons, &c. He A poor blind woman daily treated with the utmost disre- MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES, lo3 spect a benevolent Protestant to clean the streets, chained to a clergyman, the Rev. Mr. Ber- wheelbarrow. In that miserable wick, who nobly and fearlessly situation she terminated her exerted himself to protect the existence by poison." inoffensive poor people of the neighbourhood. He continued THE POET LAUREATE OF to annoy the good man in every THE IRISH BAR. possible way. He even brought cannon to knock down an ivy- Only for his poetic gifts, his covered ruin forming a portion fondness for their exercise, and of the prospect seen from the his decided taste for after-dinner clergyman's window. The tri- social enjoyment 'among the angle was set up close to his good fellows and wits, who gate, and at his return from never were found wanting in the church on Sunday, he would Irish legal body, the universal find Luttrel's myrmidons flog- favourite, Ned Lysaght, might ging some poor wretch. have adorned the Bench one The people of his own and day. He was born at Brick the after-time attributed some- Hill, in the County of Clare, thing of a diabolical nature to 2 1 st December, 1763. His the little lord. A mill on his father belonged to the Lisle estate by the Liffey as you go family, and his mother was con- from Dublin to Lucan, has since nected by blood to some of the his time been called the "Devil's noble families of Connaught. Mill." The sable architect, ac- Edward entered Trinity College, cording to popular belief, put up Dublin, in 1779, and in 1784 he the building in one night. became a student in the Middle The line of the Luttrel family Temple, and was called to the is now extinct. Mr. Fitzpatrick bar in 1788. A year later he quotes Sir Robert Heron with joined the Irish Bar. respect to Lady Elizabeth Lutt- With reference to his legal rel, the last of the race. experience in London, he said, " Lady Elizabeth Luttrel re- " He had not law enough for the sided with her sister, the King's Bench, was not dull Duchess of Cumberland, played enough for the Court of Chan- high, and cheated much. She cery, and before he could make was commonly called the Prin- his way at the Old Bailey he cess Elizabeth. On the death must shoot Garrow, which would of her sister she was thrown be extremely disagreeable to into gaol. There she gave a him." Sir Jonah relates that a hair-dresser £^o to marry her. Jewess, far from being a beauty, Her debts then becoming his, took a fancy to him, and he took she was discharged. She went a more decided fancy to her abroad, where she descended over-valued fortune. There was lower and lower, till, being con- some difficulty in winning her victed of picking pockets at father's consent, but at last he Augsburg, she was condemned did consent, and it was not long ; ; — :

io4 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

full of weeds— till our barrister found himself Our Custom House quay Oh, rare sport ! incumbered with a rather plain- But the ministers' minions, kind elves, faced wife, bill entanglements, sir, Will give free leave all our goods to and no money to untie them. us export, When he found himself compa- When we've left none at home for our- ratively free of his bonds, he selves, sir. Give Pitt, &c. returned to Ireland, and there

abided till his death, an indiffer- Says an alderman, ' Corn will grow in ent expounder of the law, but the your shops This Union must work our enslave- delight of all his acquaintance, ment.' 1 through his agreeable manners That's true,' says the sheriff, ' for plenty of crops * entertaining his and power of Already Fve seen on the pavement.' company by flashes of wit, and Give Pitt, &c. all the other desirable qualities Ye brave, loyal yeomen, dressed gaily in of a good conversationalist. red, Lysaght possessed poetic This minister's plan must elate us : And well may John Bull, when he's powers of no mean order. We robbed us of bread, must find room for his prophetic Call Ireland 'the land of potatoes.' lines on the effect of the Union Give Pitt, &c." on the well-being of Dublin : For the lively songs of " Kate

" How justly alarmed is each Dublin cit of Garnavillo" and " The Sprig That he'll soon be transformed to a of Shillelagh " we are indebted clown, sir ! By a magical move of that conjuror Pitt to Counsellor Lysaght. The country is coming to town, sir. Give Pitt, and Dundas, and Jenky a glass, THE KITE AND THE WIND. Who'd ride on John Bull, and make Paddy an ass. Lord Redesdale, during Through Capel Street soon as you'll his Irish rurally range, Chancellorship, was You'll scarce recognise it the same puzzled not a little by local street allusions and modes of speech. Choice turnips shall grow in your Royal Exchange, He was once attending to a trial And cabbages down along Dame Street. in which the expression kite Give Pitt,

All the vermin the island e'er gathers ; Full of rooks as before, Daly's Club House shall be, * The United Irishmen, adopting the But the pigeons won't have any fea- manners and customs of the French rege- thers. nerators, cut their hair close, hence the Give Pitt, &C. nickname croppies. — MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

trifling matter on the other side against his knavish proceedings, of the Channel, but here it is and he entered into the detail of made an instrument to swindle a few of his contrivances, not many an honest man and some calculated to encourage his usurers out of considerable sums audience. " I assure you, ma- — " of money." " You don't say so ! dam," said he to the lady, that But how is the thing done ?" you should not pronounce those "My Lord, as every one here valuable earrings of yours out of knows, in England the wind danger till you are in your car- raises the kite, but in Ireland it riage."—" Thank you, sir, I will is the kite which raises the avail myself of your kind hint." wind.'' The explanation only She forthwith removed them added to the learned lord's per- from her ears to her purse, and, plexity, but the barrister, pitying having deposited that in her his ignorance, proceeded to state safest pocket, she attended to the matter in the English in the remainder of the play with ordinary use, and his grave pupil comfort. found his unceasing desire to She paid a visit when the play tread English soil again much was ended, and entertained intensified. her friends with the fright into which Mr. Barrington had ./ SLEIGHT-OF-HAXD thrown the quality. " I was a TRICK. little frightened myself," said she, " and am grateful to a During the reign of that clergyman who sat behind me most polite and ingenious for putting me on my guard. pocket •• conveyancer. George Thank goodness, I may now put Barrington, and while a fash- on my earrings without appre- ionable audience were witness- hension." And so she might ing an interesting drama at the indeed, only for the absence of Theatre Royal, a rumour began themselves, and the purse, and to spread in the dress circle that few guineas which had been in the renowned pickpocket was it, shortly after George Bar- present. One lady had lost rington had given the friendly her gold-chased smelling-bottle, hint. another her purse, this noble- man his watch, the other his A MARQUIS WHO LOVED pocket-book. The sister of a NOT MUSIC certain count being present with one or two intimate friends at Shortly after the Wexford her side, and a grave, clerical troubles of " Ninety-eight " as looking man behind, did not feel the Marquis of Ely, the high much alarm. However, when sheriff of the county, and other the conversation between the notables were returning from acts turned upon the arch thief, their labours as grand jurors, he observed that no one could and their after - refreshment, be too much on their guard their attention was attracted by io6 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. a comely servant-girl sitting at burst of laughter so discon- a window in the house of a Mr. certed the nobleman, that he Lett, and singing with much pursued the interrogation no apparent relish. The air was further, and he and his asso- good, the voice sweet, but, alas, ciates had to pay heavily for there lurked treason in the their want of musical taste. words. The listeners being all good men and true, and not A FAIRLY FOUGHT COM- having the master of the house BAT. before them to receive punish- ment, inflicted it through the When the present writer was agency of stones on Mr. Lett's some nine or ten years old, he windows, Mr. Lett's pretty but had the ill-luck to live in the disaffected servant, and one or same house where Edward two of Mr. Lett's family whose Hay's " History of the Insurrec- curiosity outweighed their tion " had made a permanent sense of danger. Mr. Lett lodgment on a dresser shelf. himself, being a non-suspected Winter night after winter night man, was enabled to bring the was he obliged to read pages on over-zealous loyalists before pages of that sad narrative for their lordships at next assizes. the delectation of neighbours The counsellors employed for who would collect to hear it, the accused men tried to make and heartily did he come to the musical maid vary from hate the book and the subject. herself in her evidence, but When the reading was over one

' were unsuccessful, and their or other would begin to tell his noble client, thinking their own fortunes or those of some proceedings rather lukewarm, acquaintance " in the fighting requested leave to propose a summer." The following inci- question or two himself, and dent was told on one of these leave was given. nights. It is nearly too good to " Now, girl, by the virtue of be true. your oath, did you not threaten After the battle of Ross a "— to split my skull open ? " By sort of review was held in a the virtue of my oath, my Lord," large field above the town, and said she, turning to the judge, while it was going on, the eyes " it would not be worth my while of officers and men were drawn to split his skull open." to the figure of a tall and strong Her examiner, supposing that croppy, who, getting out from her answer had reference to a the back of a house, walked reward offered by the insur- leisurely along by the far fence gents for his life, now triumph- of the very field where the in- antly asked, " And why did you spection was taking place. < not think it worth your while to A commotion took place, among " open my skull ? —" In troth, it the red coats, and muskets were was because I was sure I'd find levelled, but a mounted yeoman nothing inside." A general shouted out, " Hold your hands, MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 107 and I'll show you some sport with the ribelly rascal." He set MERCY RECOMPENSED. spurs to his horse, and got be- tween the man and the gap to At the skirmish of Tubber- which the foolhardy fellow was neering, where the Ancient making, and a skilful sword- Britons were nearly cut off to and-pike encounter took place, a man, an officer taken prisoner the sword intent on cutting the was about to be piked. A brave pike across near the head, the young fellow, who had some pike equally bent on sheathing authority among the insurgents, its iron in the yeoman or his spoke so determinedly in his horse. The horse at last re- favour, that his life was spared, ceiving a prod, reared up, and and by his deliverer's aid he its rider being thrown off his was enabled to join the nearest guard, received his foeman's quarters of the army. When weapon in his body next mo- the storm passed away the good- ment, and fell to the ground. hearted rebel escaped out of the There was a general outcry, and country and reached London. a rush commenced, but the He got employment with a commander shouted to the men master carpenter, and became a to keep their ranks. " Our decided favourite. One day as man," said he, " tempted his he was busily employed he was fate, the other acted only in surprised to see a lady and self-defence. If he offers no gentleman Avho had just been insult to his fallen enemy, let speaking to his employer, stop- him go about his business." ping suddenly as they passed, Out through the gap went the and the gentleman steadfastly croppy, the commander grieving looking at him. Raising his that he could not reckon him eyes he recognised the officer, among his own rank and file. threw down the tool he was The Hessian auxiliaries were using, clasped his hands, and intensely hated by the natives cried, " I am found out at last."' for their blood-thirstiness, ra- " You are indeed," said the " pine, and want of respect for other ; but it will not be for women, this last evil quality your hurt or damage. This never being attributed to the brave young fellow/' said he, insurgents even by Sir Richard turning to the lady, " is the man Musgrave himself. A croppy who saved your husband's life having laid one of the hated in Wexford, and now he fears foreigners low, was leisurely to be given up. We must show rilling his pouches and pockets, him that kindness and gratitude when a brother in arms coming are not confined to his own on the scene, cried out for a country." Through the means share of the plunder. " It's of his recovered friend and his Tallow-hill talk with you," said own steadiness the outlaw ac- the man in possession, "Go and quired a respectable position in kill a Hussian for yourself." " London society." ioS MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

THE FORCE OF HABIT. resolved on saving the book, fasten it with a chain to the In the good old times of fight- witness-chair, and perhaps that ing, removed from us, thank will remind them of hanging in goodness, by the wide gap of chains, and infuse salutary terror three-fourths of a century, an into their hearts." attorney at law could not afford His lordship was charitable to let a personal affront pass as well as pious. An attorney without demanding gentlemanly having died in straitened cir- satisfaction for it. A Dublin cumstances, a couple of good solicitor being obliged to dis- men went about among the patch a hostile invitation, com- judges, and counsellors, and posed it in the normal fashion, attorneys, to make a provision but when the place of assign- for the funeral expenses. " How ation came to be named, viz., much will satisfy you ? " said the " The Fifteen Acres," his draft- judge to the collectors. " A ing instinct got the upper hand, shilling will be sufficient," was and, unconscious of the unsuit- the answer. " Well, here is a ableness of the expression, he guinea ; go and bury one and subjoined " be the same more or twenty of them." less." LORD NORBCRY'S SHORT LORD NORB FIFTY. CRY'S AND SIMPLE METHODS. If any benighted reader of this little book has not heard of We would be unwilling to Lord Norbury's puns, his jesting make an affidavit to the strict even when passing sentence of truth of some of Norbury's say- death, his habit of puffing out ings and doings here set forth. his cheeks, his numerous duels, They were in circulation, and and his shooting himself thereby that is sufficient for our pur- up to a seat on the bench, such pose. reader is worthy of general pity. He would occasionally take a During one circuit excursion nap in his judicial chair, even he was informed that swearing when a trial for horse-stealing copies of the New Testament was going on, of all trials the had frequently to be replaced, most interesting to him. On thievish witnesses having got one occasion of this kind, wak- into the bad habit of carrying ing up from a treacherous doze, them off, he remarked, " Per- and merely recollecting the haps the poor people do it out crime and the name of the of a wish to make acquaintance culprit, he gave a more than with God ; s Word, and if so, the ordinary puff, and thundered good it will work in them will out,—" You Darby Casey, con- more than counterbalance the victed of horse-stealing, than loss to the country and the harm which a more detestable crime, to themselves. But if you are or one more calculated to uproot MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 109 the very foundations of society since his time. " Flinging back does not exist, the sentence of his judicial robe," wrote Mr. the court is, that you be removed Shiel, " and sometimes casting to the place from whence you off his wig, he started from his came, and taken thence on the seat, and uttered a wild harangue, third " "Ah, my lord," in- in which neither law, method, terrupted Darby, " you may nor argument could be dis- leave out the rest, if your lord- covered. It generally consisted ship pleases. The jury—God of narratives of his early life, bless 'em ! —acquitted me just which it was impossible to asso- before your lordship awoke." ciate with the subject, or jests After sentencing a criminal to from Joe Miller, mixed with death in the usual form, the con- jokes of his own manufacture, demned cried out—" A long day, and of sarcastic allusions to any my lord !" " You shall have it. of the counsel who had endea-

This is the twentieth of June : voured to check him during the to-morrow is the longest day in trial." the year." "What's your business?" he asked of a witness. " I keep a LORD NORBURVS PRIZE racket court, my lord." " So do PUN. I," added he, with a complacent puff. THE present writer has often Once during an oppressive seen the facetious lord in his day in court he flung back his latter years, taking an airing on robes and set the court-house in horseback, his ancient servant a roar by the novel appearance following, and their horses look- of his underdress, namely, a ing as old and quiet as them- green tabinet coat with pearl selves. About forty-five years buttons, a striped yellow and have since elapsed. He was black vest, and buff breeches. much stooped at the time, but He had appeared as Hawthorn if the newspaper Norburiads (' Love in a Village') the night could be trusted, he would occa- before at Lady Castlereagh's sionally drop in on favoured ball, and had not had time to shopkeepers, and fire off a dozen put off his dress. Perhaps he or so of puns at them. Some of purposely retained it for its cool- the papers kept the heading ness. Lord Norbury's Last in type, One day at dinner he re- and under its shade issued quested the lady at the head of sundry pleasantries which he the table to help him to some had never dreamed of. One of hung beef that he might try a these will be sufficient in this little of it. "Try 'it," said Cur- place, the reader bearing in ran, who was present, " and it mind that a puffing dealer in will be sure to be hung." tea, exclusive of all other gro- This judge's charges resem- ceries, occupied a shop in Dame bled no others made before nor Street, near the corner of —' MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

George's Street, and rejoiced in conversation with him. The the surname of Nott. man did not know with whom " Last week Lord Norbury he was conversing, and so frank went into the shop of Mr. Pott, and good natured seemed the grocer, in Dame Street, and, gentleman on horseback that he after conversing- with him for made no secret of his business. some time in his usual familiar He had been wronged and style, proposed this question : harshly treated by a little mag- ' Mr. Pott, how are you making nate in his neighbourhood, and, your fortune ?' ' Faith, my lord, taking the law in his own hands it would be hard for me to tell. in a fit of passion, he had been I am only living from hand to seized and imprisoned, and now, mouth.' ' That wont do, Mr. being out on bail, he was pro- Pott, I know better. I ask you ceeding to the court where Lord the second time, Mr. Pott, how Norbury was to preside. He are you making your fortune ? had no counsel employed, and ' Well, maybe the d or your had no confidence in the leni- lordship knows, I don't.' 'You're ency of the judge, and was alto- very close, Mr. Pott. I ask you gether in a depressed state of for the third time, how are you mind. They parted company making your fortune ? You before arriving at the court- wont tell. Well, then, I must. house, and the judge, sending You're making your fortune, Mr. for a favourite counsellor, in- Pott, by Nott refusing to sell structed him in the case, and sugar. I think that's not the handed him a fee for the de- worst thing I've said in my time. fence. Good morning, Mr. Pott,' and The defendant, taking a peep mounting his old steed he at the judge as he took his seat, nodded on down towards the was no little dismayed. " I'm college, his old retainer follow- done for," said he, " Lord Norbury ing, and keeping a steady eye knows all. I must prepare for on him, regardless of the many the worst." The petty tyrant's faces turned towards them as counsel having made his com- they jogged along." plaint in due form, the judge called to the defendant in no LORD NORBURY, JUDGE very friendly tone, and asked AND COUNSEL LN ONE. had he any counsel employed. " No, my lord, I had no fee to John Toler, Lord Nor- give him." " Well, what defence bury, was not a bad landlord, can you make to this charge?" and bore the character of a kind " My lord, you know yourself as and considerate master to his well as me, the whole ins and * domestics and the people em- outs of it." " How should I ployed about his house and know ? You ought to be com- grounds. Riding to court one mitted for contempt of court." day he overtook a peasant, and, Here the counsellor mentioned as was his wont, entered into above interfered, and begged " "

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. his lordship to allow him to view to afford his friends a good undertake the defence. Getting laugh at the expense of his ready permission, he did his country, said to him : work so effectually, and heaped " Sir Hercules, is it true that such obloquy on the plaintiff's we Scotch formerly transported conduct, that the accused man all our criminals and felons to was speedily acquitted. Very- Ireland ? rejoiced he felt at the tenor of " I dare say," replied Sir Her- the judge's charge, in which cules, " but did you ever hear, there was not the slightest allu- Mr. Dundas, of any of your sion made to damning facts re- countrymen returning to Scot- vealed to himself that morning. land from transportation ? He sought the friendly coun- As Scotland is mentioned, we sellor immediately after the trial must introduce a good thing from to return his hearty thanks, but that country, included among got a very cool and rough recep- many other good things in Mr. tion, and left the court with Mair's collection. We would confused ideas on the subject of give any half dozen of our best judicial integrity. By degrees Irish witticisms for the follow- he arrived at a tolerably correct ing, though it possesses neither notion of the economy of the wit nor wut. It is in the form process to which he owed his of a dialogue between a visitor acquittal, and he would be a and a native : 4t " bold man who would afterwards How long is this loch? speak ill of Lord Norbury in his "It will be aboot twanty presence. mile." " The punning judge composed Twenty miles ! Surely it *' a punning epitaph for his tomb, can't be so much ? but no more of it has remained f Maybe it will be twelve." in our memory than his request " It really does not seem more to the bell-ringer to do him than four." justice, " for he too was a " Indeed, I'm thinking you're TOLER." right." " Really you seem to know ODIOUS COMPARISONS. nothing about the matter." "Troth, I canna say I do." In our anecdotes of Lord Townsend we should have. men- CURRAN AND ABERNETHY. tioned Sir Hercules Langrishe as one of his bitter assailants in Sir Hercules Laxgrishe Barratariana, in which his deserved, by his ready wit and Excellency figured as Sancho presence of mind, to be a coun- Panza. Mr. Dundas, as earnest tryman of John Philpot, who an admirer of good liquor as Sir subjugated even that rough po- Hercules himself, once enter- tentate, Dr. Abernethy, in his tained him at a grand dinner own study. The brave and truly party in London, and, with a honest patriot was subject to MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. bodily ills and a settled melan- tained the first rudiments of my choly in his latter years when education. I was next enabled renown and worldly competence to enter Trinity College in the were secured. He called on the humble sphere of a sizar," and rough physician eight different so he went on investing the true times, stated his ailments, but narrative with the most ludicrous still remained convinced that character, till leaving a hiatus the abrupt man had not got a of several years he arrived at clear idea of his condition. On the cause of his visit. Abernethy the ninth visit he fixed his dark, never interrupted him till he got piercing eyes on the doctor, and as good an insight into his case thus addressed him. " Mr. as the patient could help him to. Abernethy, I have paid eight By judicious hints and queries, different visits, and paid you he was soon in possession of the eight different guineas, yet I am great man's ailments. He did persuaded you are still ignorant all that his great skill could sug- of the nature of my complaints. gest for his relief, and continued Now I am determined that you his earnest friend and good shall listen while I communicate health-aiding GENIUS till his the symptoms as well as I can.'' death. Abernethy, interested, and some- It was during his residence in what overawed, assumed the London that being asked by an attitude of a patient listener, English acquaintance why a and cried, " Go on. Disclose certain Irish friend of his always not only your symptoms, but kept his mouth open while stroll- your parentage, birth, age, native ing through the city, he answered, place, and anything else you " It is with the laudable inten- please." Curran, not a bit dis- tion of catching the English concerted, commenced, in a lu- accent." dicrously grave fashion, " My name is John Philpot Curran."' (These magic words at once SIR HERCULES LANGRISHE fixed the doctor's attention. He OVER HIS WINE. was till then ignorant of the name of his patient.) " My pa- It has been hinted that this rents were poor, but, I believe, gentleman, with whom we have honest people of the province of just shaken hands, had a good Munster, where also I was born head for the drink. He was a at Newmarket, in the county of commissioner of revenue, and Cork, in the year one thousand very much liked by his acquaint- seven hundred and fifty. My ance, but we cannot give him father, being employed to collect credit for all the wine he con- the rents of a Protestant gentle- sumed without extra aid, notwith- man of small fortune in that standing his witty excuse about to neighbourhood, procured my ad- be given. Sir Jonah Barrington, mission into one of the Protest- Sir John Parnell, and Dr. Duige- ant free schools, where I ob- nan calling on him one even- —"

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. "3 ing at his house in Stephen's the bottoms of six bottles." " " Green, found him poring over Six fiddlesticks ! cried he, in his account-books, with one a pet. " It was not the wine, half-filled bottle of port, and but the pestilent strawberry in two thoroughly empty claret- the bottom of the glass which bottles before him. On the en- defeated me." trance of the gentlemen, the butler placed a bottle of claret before each. " Sir Heck," said PERSONATION IN LIQUOR. Parnell, " you have consumed OUR own Richard Brinsley two bottles already."—" Very — was frequently overtaken, but true." " And had you no one to never completely subdued. The help you ?"—" yes, I Oh had crystals were there, however, that bottle of port there, and I bedded in oil. One night a assure you he afforded me great nocturnal guardian of his fellow assistance." men and women found the author of " The Rivals " appa- THE TREACHEROUS rently incompetent to take care of himself, and stretched along STRAWBERRY. on the street flags. He shook him, requested him to rise, spoke Our old acquaintance, Alder- to him angrily, spoke to him man Faulkner, was not so for- good-naturedly ; still no sign of tunate in his auxiliaries as Sir perception on the part of the Hercules. Having to entertain inert image of man as he ought a party of seasoned topers one to be. " What is your name ? night, and not willing to be put —" Hickup."—" Your name, I below the table till he had seen say."—" Wil - Wil - Wilberforce. the last of them supine, he con- Confound you, let me rest." sulted his medical adviser on the means to that desirable end. " The strawberry," said his men- THE QUINTESSENCE OF tor, " is possessed of cooling LOYALTY.

qualities ; put the largest one procurable in the bottom of your Theophilus Swift, barris-

glass ; keep your wits about you, ter-at-law, would have been re- and I insure you the victory." markable for eccentricity if born George followed the well-meant fifty years later in time, but advice, yet was the first of the being kept in countenance by party to succumb. so many of our ante, anti, and He was in a bad humour next pro- Union originals, he attracted day when one of his brother only a moderate share of notice. topers came in to condole with His two sons inherited a con- him. " But," said the comforter siderable portion of his ability " (own brother to him of Uz), it and oddness ; the three scarcely was, after all, no inglorious de- agreed in predilections or dis- feat. You know you reached likes, yet they were exceedingly I 114 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

attached to each other. Quixotic me a ball."—" You shall have loyalty to the royal family was no reason to complain. As

an inherent and cherished cha- Colonel Lennox I gave you one . racteristic of the elder Swift. ball, as lord-lieutenant I shall He was ready to peril his life afford you two." And Swift for its maintenance at any time. accordingly received invitations Regretting that the Duke of to the next two entertainments York should have condescended of the kind given at the Castle. to exchange shots with Colonel Lennox, and still more resent- MARRIED AND SINGIE ing that the Colonel should FEILOWS, T.C.D. have had the presumption to challenge the royal duke, he Mr. Swift placed in Trinity sent an invitation to him (the College one of his sons, to Colonel) to meet him on the whom he had given as Chris- field of honour, giving him to tian name Decuie, in memory of understand that he owed satis- the patriotic D rapier. Con- faction to every gentleman in sidering that the college autho- the empire for the affront offered rities did not appreciate the to his Royal Highness. The young man at his full merit, or challenged man had never heard actuated by some other motive, of Mr. Swift, but learning that Theophilus published a pam- he was a barrister and a gentle- phlet, in which he revealed sun- man to boot, he gratified him dry defects and shortcomings by accepting the invitation. In appertaining to the college au- the duel which followed, the thorities, and the system of colonel's bullet went clean education which they main- through the body of the coun- tained. Moreover he asserted sellor. He was carried home that though the founder of the with some appearance of life institution, the Virgin Queen, still clinging to him, made his insisted as a sine qnd non on will, and bequeathed his gold the celibacy of all its fellows snuff-box to the Duke of York. through all future years, several The genius of poetic justice of the living reverend gentlemen could not allow such loyalty and were well known to be encum- single-mindedness to descend bered with wives and children, prematurely to the grave. Swift thus exhibiting disrespect for recovered, and when his anta- the memory of their vestal gonist, later in time Duke of founder, and breaking the so- Richmond, held his first levee lemn vows made at their instal- as lord-lieutenant in Dublin ment. A wonderful commotion Castle, Theophilus was careful ensued inside and outside the to be among the first presented. venerable pile on the publica- "The last time I had the ho- tion of this scandal, many of nour of being presented to your the unwedded principals ill- Excellency, I had better luck, naturedly enjoying the confusion for on that occasion you gave of their wedded colleagues. MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. "5

However spiritualized aca- just as diligently as he, but demic flesh and blood might be, against the nineteen points ia it could not resist its first indig- their favour stood the one point nant impulse to bring its vilifier all influential— Law, and the before their lordships, and get writer of the unfortunate pam- him soundly punished for his phlet was sent to abide for impudence. Theophilus was twelve months in Newgate not unprovided with means to along with two hundred and defend himself, and to it they fifty individuals, more or less, went, the judges being incensed and all trained in pocket-pick- and prejudiced against the ing or shop-lifting. libeller, his counsel little confi- dent of success, but determined ONE TOO MANY IN A to defend him to the last line in ROOM. their briefs. On this occasion, Rev. John Barrett, senior fellow, The Rev. Dr. Burrowes, a familiarly styled "Jacky Barrett," fellow of college, and one of the was lugged out of his sanctum, number who had neglected to from which he very rarely comply with Good Queen Bess's stirred, to give evidence against injunction, greatly rejoicing in the assailant of his loved and the correction administered to cherished establishment. Sir the detractor of himself and Jonah, who cross-examined him, learned colleagues, forgot in his gives this account of his defeat glee the sensible counsel of not by the little kiln-dried sage. throwing water on a drowned " I examined the most learned rat. Heedless of the evil brought of the whole University, Dr. on Mr. Swift's head by his ill- Barrett, a little greasy, shabby, advised pamphlet, he would croaking, round-faced vice-pro- write and publish one himself vost. He knew nothing on earth against the assailant of the save books and guineas, never " silent sister." A copy of this went out, and held but little was shown to the imprisoned intercourse with mankind. I man while the sheets were still worked at him unsuccessfully damp, and the blood once more more than an hour ; not one commenced to flow in a healthy decisive sentence could I get and rapid stream through veins him to pronounce. At length and arteries. While Dr. and he grew quite tired of me, and I Mrs. Burrowes were rejoicing thought to conciliate him by in the punishment inflicted on telling him that his father had their unfriend, and the bitter-

' ! christened me. Indeed ' ex- ness his tongue would feel as claimed he. 'Oh, I did not his eyes took in the contents of know you were a Christian.' the just published attack, a law At this unexpected repartee the paper was handed in, requiring laugh was so strong against me the writer to come, and appear, that I found myself muzzled." and justify his publication. Sir Jonah's fellows worked Dr. Burrowes was condemned I 2 ; n6 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. to six months' imprisonment in was obliged to quit his deben- Newgate. On his entrance he tures, and his college rooms, and requested the governor to lodge his books, and this world alto- him in a single room, and as gether in 1 82 1. high as the roof would permit, Dr. Barrett was a bundle of that he might be spared the contradictions. A pious man, general sights and sounds of he would swear like a trooper, the establishment. The reply even when examining on portions

was that every nook and pigeon- of Holy Writ ; a strictly moral hole was occupied by a felon of man in outward conduct, he some kind. One room, indeed, made a collection of indecent

was occupied by a gentleman books and prints ; a man most by birth and manner, and he learned in book knowledge, he would endeavour to induce him could not distinguish a duck

to share this apartment. Per- from a partridge ; and once

mission was obtained, but oh ! I being obliged to go as far as Themis and Nemesis! when the Clontarf, he pestered every one introduction was made, face to with whom he conversed for a face stood Dr. Burrowes and Mr. week after with his discovery of Swift, mortification on one face, live mutton in a field outside triumph on the other. the city. He was most obliging Reflection and the comfort of and good-natured in every looking on a human counte- respect except in the matter of nance, and listening to a human cash alone. He died when voice in solitude, had their master of a fabulous amount of usual good effect. The philo- money, yet was never known to sophers parted at last with good give help to any of his poor feelings towards each other, and relations. In his will he be- we hear of no other abusive queathed his property to " those pamphlet published by either. who had most need of it," and much of it would have been sunk in the Four Courts only A COLLEGE RECLUSE. for the wisdom vouchsafed to

" The man of all for weighty lore, the executors. They considered In nothing is he caret the claims of his relatives as of learned Dominie Sampson was The equal importance with those of A fool to Jacky Barrett." the various charities, and re- The troublesome little man membered them accordingly. who obtained victory over Barrington, as mentioned above, HA' entered college as a pensioner DR. BARRETTS FORTH (not sizar, as is commonly sup- OF MILK. posed) under Dr. Monsel, in The bodily and household 1767, and in 1773 obtained a attendants of Dr. Barrett were

scholarship ; in 1778 he became centered in Catty, an elderly Fellow, and was promoted to woman, who probably thought Senior Fellowship in 1791. He her master one of the greatest —

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 117 of men. Going out one frosty squares having been taken down, morning with a penny to bring and the authorities consulting in a halfpennyworth of milk, she about ways and means of having slipped, severely injured one leg, the debris removed, the doctor and was conveyed to Mercer's proffered his advice. " What Hospital. When her master trouble need you put yourselves heard of the accident, he over- to, do you see, but dig a big came his dislike of " walks hole in the yard and shovel the abroad," and proceeded to her rubbish into it ?"—" But, Doctor, ward. When he arrived, he found what is to be done with the clay the poor creature writhing in and stones you take out of the pain, and he was affected to hole?"—"Och, scoop out ano- tears ; but after a little his penu- ther and pitch them in." rious feelings getting the upper Some of the doctor's admirers hand, he cried, " But. Catty, what claim an invention for him, n about the jug ? — " And sure, which our neighbours over the sir, it was smashed on the pave- water will not willingly see taken ment."—" Well, well, it can't be from the great Sir Isaac New- helped, do you mind me ; but, ton. Economic as was his Catty, the halfpenny change, do household management, he af- you see." forded sustenance to a favourite cat, nor did he send her kitten to A SWEEP AND A DOCTOR be drowned when an increase Taking ROLLED INTO ONE. in the family occurred. an opportunity when a carpenter DR. Barrett's dirty shirt and was working for a college neigh- equally dirty hands obtained the bour, he got a large and small title sweep for him among the hole cut out of the lower part students. One day, as he was of his study door to afford in- crossing one of the courts, a gress and egress to his pets. freshman called out, " Sweep, An acquaintance calling in, sweep ! " He was summoned asked the use of the holes, and before the board for the affront, was told. " And would not one but he asserted that he had at be sufficient?"—"How would the moment caught sight of a the big cat get through that sooty professor in the angle of small hole, do you mind me ? " " the square, and given him a call, I don't know ; but could not the as his chimneys were in need of little cat pass through—the large a scrubbing. " Ah, I have you hole easily enough ?" " Oh, the

there, do you see me. There admire me ! I never thought wasn't a schweep in the whole of that." square but myself." There is little doubt but some great scholar, wrapt in mental A BRACE OF BULLS IN study, committed this practical COLLEGE. bull. Such preoccupied folk are more liable to ludicrous mis- A HOUSE or two in one of the takes than the empty-minded — — nS MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. man of low degree and few Apollo. However his own opi- ideas, who gives his whole and nion of his appearance was de- undivided attention to any new cidedly a complacent one. He circumstance or question pre- had occasion one day to com- sented to him. An Englishman plain of the quality of a leg of of the middle or lower class will mutton, but Jacky paid little give a readier answer to a ques- attention to him. " It is quite tion than an Irishman of like putrid, sir," said King. " You condition, if each is equally ca- need only look at the colour of pable of the solution. Paddy is it ; it's quite black." The doctor seldom without trains of thought looking full in his face, answered coursing or crossing each other with a line from Virgil : is in his brain ; John not so subject to this inconvenience. " O Formose puer, nimium ne crede * colori." When your query knocks at the door of Pat's brain-chamber, he has to remove the company in possession before the stranger HOW THE DOCTOR RE- is admitted. John's mental CEIVED THE KING. apartment is ready swept and After the departure of his vacant and the door open ; the gracious Majesty from our shores new visitor has instantaneous in 1 82 was published a thin access. An Irish and an Eng- 1, volume of satirical poems, in lish girl were once in a company which sundry public characters where the present writer hap- connected with the royal visit pened to be, and he observed were handled: In one was em- that when a question was pro- bodied a letter from a Dublin posed to his countrywoman she student to a friend in the Middle was obliged to get rid of ideas Temple, and as the deeply read occupying her mind for the mo- vice-provost occupied a consi- ment, before she could give her derable portion, we present a undivided attention to what was few verses of the lively lay. asked. The answer of the Omitting the opening verses, we English girl was given almost commence with the King's before the last word of the ques- doings. tion had left the questioner's lips. " With us to-day he dined that is, With all the wigged elves, For we poor Commons progged upon Short commons by ourselves. BARRETTS FAMOUS LA TRY PUN. Yet Bob we had our part, and so We did it well and frisky ; For every glass of wine'ine they drankdrar THERE studied in college dur- We drank a glass of whiskey. ing the Doctor's reign an ill- favoured youth named King, * " Beauteous boy, trust not too much to colour." The pleasantry consists in ren- his fellow-students spoke whom dering the first two principal words by of and addressed as Formosus " Formosus, my boy." : !

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 119

Which though not's good as wine, is very So much he pleased the Royal ear, Far before October, That sure as I'm a sinner, For if we drank of that all night lie would have been, delightful thought We'd still be beastly sober. A knight before his dinner."

Of course you know old Jacky Barrett, The king is shown through Hat and wig also, the public buildings, then sits The snuff upon his chin and cravat, Hat and breeches too. down to dinner, and the fellows entertain him with solid dis- He's four feet and a little bit, His head as pumpkin big, And in the height most folks allow ' Eight inches for his wig. And so they did : the king declares, Who's not without discerning, Such was the man, all fixed upon That never did he get before The monarch to address So great a dose of learning. Oh, would that thou wert bigger, Jack, his Or that thy wig was less ! And lest it should affect brain, As too much learning may, For such a queer Vice-Chancellor He got up soberly at nine, Before a Royal eye, And wisely went away. Ne'er stood in this or any other U—ni—ver— si — ty. I swear if he had dined with us Poor scholars, we'd have given But what he wanted in his height Less learning, but by George, he He well made up in knowledge, wouldn't For all that know him, know his head Have left before eleven." Is in itself a college.

The man of all for weighty lore, * In nothing is he caret ; The learned Dominie Sampson was DR. BARRETT AND THE A fool to Jacky Barrett. MAYNOOTH PROFESSOR, The day of glorious days arrives, Spreads wide the bustling hum, The great scholar was once Barrett is ready, hark, behold ! The mighty monarch's come. visited by a Maynooth professor who wished to avail himself of His gait is grave, his look profound, The monarch turns aside, his intimate knowledge of He-

As if to sneeze, but Oh ! it was brew to advance himself in that A tittering laugh to hide. study. They fell to work, and This soon passed off, and Jack com- great progress was made in a menced comparatively short time. The His fine address to speak : Some thought it would have been in Latin, lessons coming to an end, the Others thought, in Greek. pupil laid on the table a respec- However, as the worthy speaker table sum as fee, but took occa- Spoke it, so I send it, sion to say that he had no means And for the sake of Barrett, Bob, I hope you'll comprehend it." of recompensing the interest which his tutor had taken in his We omit the oration. progress. Much as the Doctor " loved money he would not touch Oh ! had there been a sword within The reach of our good king, the honorarium, except to force A dagger, or a carving knife, it back. " You could not have Or any pointed thing, felt more pleasure," said he, " in learning than I did in teaching. * Wanting: Correctly, He wants, or It wants. You were so eager and so clear MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. headed ; and do you see me A now, a penny of your money HAUGHTY LADY shall not go into my purse." SUBDUED. These Limerick gentlemen just mentioned were excellent HOW THE KING WAS specimens of the good-natured, FRIGHTENED ON LEIN- witty, generous, yet provident STER LA WN Irishman. One day at a dinner party, Considine was rather POOR Mrs. Daxon was not so piqued by the neglect and con- successful with His Majesty on tempt with which a young lady, his Irish visit as Reverend his next neighbour, received his John, though she was only a polite efforts to entertain her. little more bizarre in appear- So he began to address himself ance. Her husband Giles, trea- to the people on each side and surer for Limerick County, and opposite, and scattered about Heffernan Considine, of the such a profusion of wit, humour, same county, had afforded the and drollery, that the haughty King much entertainment by fair one was obliged to burst their wit, Irish idiom, and lus- into a hearty fit 'of laughter. cious brogue, and poor Mrs. " Now, my proud lady," con- Daxon, not having studied the tinued he, " as I have taken fable " of The Ass and the Lap- a little of the starch out of you, dog," determined on showing will you take a glass of wine her gratitude for the notice with me?" She complied, and taken of her dear husband. treated him thenceforth with In person Mrs. Daxon was marked attention. short and plump, but to give This lady showed much od- herself the advantage of height, dity in her conduct as well as she bore on her head a high in her manner. Mr. Robert M., plume of ostrich feathers. As in his " Recollections of Ire- His Majesty was enjoying a land," relates how she rejected promenade on Leinster Lawn the suit of a rich and amiable (rere of the Royal Dublin So- young gentleman, as he had ciety's House), the lady stepped had no experience of the con- out directly in front, went on jugal state, and yet accepted one knee, and with hands up- him after the death of the lady lifted was about to pronounce a who did become his wife, and blessing on dis- him ; but the left him ten children to take mayed, though foremost gentle- care of. man in Europe, whispered to his Achates, " Bloomfield, get that terrible woman away, if THE BIG MAN OF CLARE. you desire to see me leave the lawn alive." An equally estimable man with Daxon and Considine, was their neighbour of Clare, Mr. — — MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

Green, solicitor, whom his fa- omit locking the outside doors miliars and the general public at night. If any of my tenants distinguished by the title of happened to find me by the " Bumbo Green." He was per- highway overtaken in liquor, his haps the largest specimen of first care would be to take me humanity whom the present on his back and trudge home writer had ever the fortune to with me. Now if that happened see in his perambulations of with you (his interlocutor was a Dublin streets. hard man), Thigue or Donogha, Once, when about to take supposing he did not put his coach for Clare, he sent his ser- foot on your neck, would leave vant to the office with directions you there to the mercy of the to secure two inside places. weather. Our nobleman's con- " Well," inquired he, on the fidence arose from his Christian man's return, " did you suc- conduct towards his tenants. "— ceed ? " I did," said he, " after He lived among them, his rents a manner. There was but were low, and he never seized one place vacant inside, so I on the cattle of an industrious paid for that and an outside man, nor visited him with an one too."—"A very wise thing ejectment. He was as fearless you did, indeed," ruefully ob- of the gun-muzzle resting on served the poor big man, " but the hedge and looking him in what part of me do you intend the face as Juvenal's penniless to endure the cold on the roof?" traveller in the presence of the thief. A LANDLORD REGARDLESS OF AMBUSH. A HAPPY THOUGH NOT STRICTLY LITERAL As we have got into a vein of TRANSLATION. estimable characters, we must mention a descendant of the The passage in Latin just historical Lord Clonmel, of now alluded to, viz., whom his biographers have been " Cantabit vacuus coram latrone viator,"* obliged to record some harsh proceedings. This nobleman being once submitted in " Tri- possessing large estates in Tip- nity" to a rough specimen of a perary as well as in Kildare, was Kerry student for an accurate some years ago expostulated translation, he gave, without a with on his disregard to his per- moment's delay, sonal safety, among the wild " The empty traveller will whistle of the first- and revengeful men Before the robber and his pistol." named county. " Ah, what have ? " I to fear " said he ; I have * "The empty (moneyless) traveller not the ill-will of a single man, will sing in presence of the highwayman." woman, or child on my lands. I believe the servants sometimes —

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

Hesiod had these identical gen- A TRANSLATION THE RE- tlemen in his mind when, in his VERSE OF THE LAST. Batramyomachia, he patrioti- cally exclaimed,— One of our judges of re- 'Cantabit vacuus coram latrone viator,' fined classical taste was once when on circuit, encumbered with a jury of mere bucolic The literal meaning of which, worthies, before whom he could as your lordship need not be not have the pleasure of making told, is, 'Where would be the king, the priest, the judge, or the slightest allusion to his fa- vourite authors, nor exchanging the soldier, without the farmer and his ox,' that is, horse, ideas in the Greek or Roman for adaptation."— tongues with the barristers. modern "What do you said the Wishing to get rid of his twelve mean?" judge in surprise " your is sages without affronting them, ; quotation not from the Greek of Homer or he began, just as a trial had Hesiod, but, as every school-boy concluded, to compliment them knows, forms a line of Juvenal." on their intelligence, their pa- — " Juvenal, lord ! are tience, and the unwearied at- my you surely misinformed." tention they had given to the The judge looked earnestly at the coun- various trials which they had de- seller to find, if possible, the cided. He further hinted that if

I drift of his fooling, but his longer confinement to the Court coun-

i tenance was undesirable, they might with- was impenetrable. "Mr. Curran," draw, and a new jury be sworn. said he, in a displeased tone, " let there But the flattery of the polished be an end to this ridiculous discussion. judge had such effect that one What can you mean by quoting as and all declared they were Greek a line of school-boy's willing to remain at their post " Latin ? —" lord, this not for three days more if required. My being a legal question, will The unfortunate dignitary cast, you allow to differ with in his distress, a glance of re- me your lordship. I so confident signed misery at Curran,* who am of the correctness of my opinion, soon came to his relief, but in that I an unexpected fashion. am quite willing to send up the quotation to the " My lord," said he, " the gentle- in the jury-box, if compliment just paid does as men and they don't find it to Greek, much honour to your lordship be if it is not sound heathen as to the gentlemen of the jury. Greek to them, I'll Probably the great Greek poet — give your lordship leave to commit me for con- tempt of Court." Here a scat- * If the judicious reader detect any mis- take in the name of the counsellor, or the tered laugh arose through the identity of the quotation, let him take as building, the judicial brow re- excuse the fact of the writer not having laxed, and a few of the jurors met with the original anecdote for a quarter of a century. guessing they were the providers —

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 123 of the merriment, whispered the We had the fortune of once others. The foreman, addressing enjoying acquaintance with Mr. the bench, said he and his col- M y, an estimable man, but leagues would avail themselves slightly unmanageable, and are of his lordship's indulgence, and persuaded that he would have judge and counsellors breathed acted as related. Master Goold's again. sudden defeat is not so easily accounted for.

A FIDGET ON THE BENCH. FORCE OF HABIT : SECOND Judge Goold, Master in EXAMPLE. Chancery, was a different man The curious opinion on the from the robed gentleman last- effect of long usage quoted mentioned. He was of a rest- below, is said to have been ut- less, turbulent, fidgety, and tered when one of our judges rough disposition, and could not on circuit was perfecting him- sit quietly in his chair of judg- self in patient habits at Mary- ment for any length. The borough. anecdote about to be related Mr. Hayes, a barrister, thus appears so incredible, that we occupied himself with Mr. Edge, prefer giving it in the words of a physician. Mr. Robert M., before quoted. "If a person lying on wet This gentleman, if living, will straw were deprived of all the be found in the neighbourhood comforts or necessaries of life, of Her Majesty's Castle of it hasten death?" Windsor, and when found may would not " That would greatly depend on be questioned. whether he had been accustomed " One solicitor, M y by to them."—" Do you mean to name, whom we all thought a tell us that if a person lived in little cracked, being, when en- a horse-pond, it would not be gaged in a case in which he was injurious to him?"—"I think personally interested, tantalized not, if he had lived sixty or by Goold's fidgets and furies, seventy years in it." one moment with his coat tails turned up at the fire, and the next in his seat on the bench, SIX AND EIGHT PENCE. cursing and swearing like a trooper, says to him, ' Arrah, Mr. M., to whom we owe the can't you be aisy, and bad cess anecdote of Master Goold, and

(success) to you ! Stick to that who was formerly a solicitor in bench of yours, and not be run- extensive practice in Dublin, ning up and down like a skittish relates that when anxiously con- tom-tit every moment/ We all sulting for the comfort of his expected a committal, but no, patrons at an entertainment he became quiet, and business in given at great expense, he over- consequence went rapidly on." heard Sir William O'Malley ob- 124 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. serving to some attentive lis- cried the wife, " is standing out teners, " Mr. M. will have to there ? Your name if you please." " " lay an additional six and eight- A friend." That won't do ; pence on some of his clients go away out of that." " I have to-morrow for this display." got a brief for your master as

Finding himself overheard, he well as a fee ; so open the door, cast a frightened look at the or I'll take both away. The attorney, and darted out of the hungry woman and her rush- room and out of the house, light soon became visible to the without even waiting for his hat. man on the landing ; milk, but- ter, and eggs appeared on the breakfast table next day, and

A CURIOUS RISE IN LAW- misery took leave of the poor . LIFE. people. It was a very unedifying and WE are indebted for the fol- immoral circumstance, accord- lowing sketch to the author of ing to Mr. M., for an obscure " Recollections of Ireland." He papist lawyer to arrive at any evidently disliked the hero and eminence in his profession. heroine of the narrative, and got Worse still, a Jesuit, who, won- so disturbed on the very thres- derful to relate, neither set the hold of it, as to make the locality Castle chapel on fire during ser- where the story was to begin a vice, nor blew up the Liffey to perplexed terra ignota. drown all the Protestants on its " In a house up in Hatch banks, secretly aided the pesti- Street, or in some other small lent lawyer and his wife, and he street, up in that or some other in good time appeared at the locality, and in a high-up garret Castle, " hopping and skipping,

room was a low-lived, mean and snapping his fingers ; and looking man without friends or she dressed out with hoops and connection." lappets aping the queen." This mean man made out the cause by assisting one rather A DISTINCTION ACCOMPA- clever barrister, and another NIED BY A DIFFERENCE. perhaps as clever, but low-bred and vulgar, and distinguished by GOOD but slightly prejudiced a brogue— assisting them to wit Mr. M. looked on the Roman in their drudgery. Even in a Catholic portion of her Majes- garret room in a low street some- ty's Irish subjects as disloyal at where or other, and no one to be heart, and therefore ill-adapted supported but the vulgar man to fill places of Government and his equally vulgar wife, but- trust. The governing powers ter or eggs seldom appeared on have however learned to distin- the table, but the tide thus guish between papists and pa- turned. pists, as the author of Recollec- Late at night came a knock tions of Ireland chooses to call at the garret room door. " Who," them* The individuals of one MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 125 class, sincere in the faith and "Sketches of the Irish Bar." practice in which they have been He supposed his man, a Catho- educated, have been early taught lic barrister proceeding down as well in their three-halfpenny Capel Street to the courts, and catechisms as in more expensive finding a corpse suspended from works, that it is sinful to resist every lamp post which he passed. or combine against established This loyal and (we must say) authorities, or even to speak apathetic man having got to the with contempt or disrespect of quay, would merely ask some those who rule over us. Folk intelligent person if these per- thus disciplined can hardly be sons had been executed accord- driven into rebellion by the most ing to law. Being answered in reckless tyranny. Others are the affirmative, he would sigh only Catholics in name. They out, " All right," and continue are kept in the body through a his walk up Ormond Quay, and variety of circumstances, are mention to some brother bar- self-willed to the core, undeter- rister the appearance of the mined in belief, and not at all Capel Street lamps with the inclined to submit to discipline. same indifference as he would a If a young fellow of this class dog-fight, or the vagaries of a happens to be a student in drunken tinker at the foot of Trinity College, he will freely Essex bridge. eat fish on any day of the week except Friday. He will not AN ABSENT MAN. touch salmon or ling on that day for any consideration. He We have lately been consider- must manifest himself to his ing instances of temporary ab- fellow students and his superiors sence of the thinking powers in as a philosophical Caiutholic, such learned men as Sir Isaac long freed from childish preju- Newton and Dr. Barrett, but the dices. To the first of these shortcomings of these intellec- classes belong the old Catholic tual giants are little above zero families of England, and those when compared with those of a of Ireland, whose faith and clergyman, a friend of Mr. M., practice and inner life thorough- on whose " Recollections " we ly correspond with their outward have so liberally drawn. He profession. Her Majesty owns was chaplain to a foreign em- no more genuinely loyal subjects bassy, and in performing the than the individuals of this divi- service, and doing his duty in sion. Those of the second will the pulpit, never made a mis- also be loyal as long as their in- take or suffered a lapse of me- terests or their inclinations make mory. But his peculiar talent it convenient to be so. exhibited itself in a distress- An exaggerated specimen of ing manner on his wed- loyalty and resignation to exist- ding day. Scarcely did he ing authority was furnished by become possessor of a charming the late Mr. Shiel in his and amiable bride, when his — "

126 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. brains went wool gathering. He at him, and finally was asto- stalked down through the church, nished at seeing his hat waiting out at the door, and into his for him on the hall table. He coach, and was about giving did not trust to his eyes till he directions to the coachman when ran his hand over his head. his justly offended father-in-law seized his arm, and pointed to his disconsolate bride at the "YOU CARRY CsESAR." at his church door. Dismayed Such, as some school boys out, ran to neglect, he sprung know, was the courage-inspiring the weeping beauty, made what- little speech made by Julius uppermost, ever excuse came Cassar to his boatman when ter- of the day and behaved the rest ror-stricken by the fierce wind well and all succeeding days as and the swelling waves. It was as any absent philosopher in parodied on an occasion when Europe. the gentlemen of the Leinster circuit were waiting on the Kil- kenny side of the ferry of Bal- HE FORGETS HIS OWN linlaw on the Barrow for a NAME AND HIS OWN HAT. favourable moment to cross to the Wexford side. A storm was philosopher's Our Reverend blowing, the river angry, and achieved at the next exploit was the ferryman fearful, but briefs foreign post office. Stepping were on the other side of the in morning, he politely in- one river, and the venture was worth quired, " Are there any letters the risk. Among the barris- for ? " " Favour with me me ters was Caesar Colclough of your name, sir, and I will try." Tintern, who cherished on his "My name — my name — my journeys a pair of valued saddle-

! there name It's very odd. Are bags. While the rest were hesi- " can any letters for me?" How tating like a timorous young I tell when I am ignorant of bather with one toe in the water, your name ? " Away he stalked, Mr. Colclough (afterwards one growling against the stupidity of the members for Wexford) of the man, and still more courageously flung in his tra- good for- against his own. By velling appendages, and still tune he met an acquaintance. more courageously followed " " Good morning, sir," Good them. Mr. Charles Kendal morning, Mr. G." "Just so. Bushe (afterwards Judge) being ! returning Much obliged " and also of the party, embalmed the the ex- to the office he obtained exploit in the following qua- pected letters. train, Paying a visit one day, he " While meaner souls the tempest keeps in forgot to resume his hat when awe, leaving the friend's house. He Intrepid Colclough crossing Ballinlaw, _ took a walk through the town, Shouts to the boatman, shivering in his rags, wondered why everyone stared ' You carry Caesar and his saddle bags.' — "

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 127

Sir Jonah adds some particu- A friend of Bushe's not re- lars whose authenticity we do markable for cleanliness asked not vouch. Getting dismayed him what was best to be done during the passage, he began to in order to get rid of a soreness cry on the Lord for protection. in his throat. He replied, " A " Arrah, Counsellor/' said the prescription was lately written boatman, " don't go on praying out for me by a learned phy- that side if you plase. Sure it's sician, and I think I have it by the other lad you ought to be heart. A certain fluid chemic- praying to." ally compounded of eight parts " What lad do you mean ? by weight of oxygen and one of cried Colclough in alarm. hydrogen, is to be raised by the " What lad ! Why, Counsellor, action of fire to about ioo de- the ould people do be always grees of Fahrenheit. Into this saying that the divel takes care you introduce your limbs till the of his own, and if you don't vex surface of the fluid and the him by praying the other way, upper part of the calves of your I really think, Counsellor, Ave legs are in a plane. Then taking have a purty safe cargo aboard Avena triturata in your hands this present passage." (I believe the vulgar name is oatmeal), and dropping it in the liquid, you bring it briskly into contact with the epidermis of SOME TRIFLES OF CMSARS your limbs by the process called LAUREATE. friction, and carry on the opera- tion briskly for a quarter of an A COUPLE of Irish rar

O'Brien's latest exploit and clos- to you, sir ! come out on de bal- ing scene. cony, and don't keep de people " In the year 1800 O'Brien waitin'. Dey are mighty onaisy was deputed to scrutinise some entirely under de swing swong? persons who had assembled for the purpose of playing football near Steevens'-lane. In scram- JEMMY O'BRIEN UNDER bling over a fence which en- THE SCREW. closed the field, assisted by an old man named Hoey, who " Gentlemen of the Jury," happened to be on the spot, the said Curran during the trial of cry of 'O'Brien the informer' an unfortunate man brought into was immediately raised, the the dock by the wretch whose people fled, and O'Brien in his miserable end has been just chagrin turned round, and illo- described, "How does Mr. gically wreaked his vengeance O'Brien's tale hang together? by stabbing Hoey to death. He He walks along crowded Thorn- ; "

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 129

as street in the open day, and is but mark the metamorphosis. accosted by a man, who with- He who feared to resist in the out any preface, tells him he open air and in the face of the will be murdered before he goes public, becomes a brave when half the street unless he becomes pent up in a room, and environed a United Irishman. Now, sup- by sixteen men. And one is pose that any of you gentlemen obliged to bar the door, while be a United Irishman, a Free- another swears him, which after mason, or a Friendly Brother, some resistance is accordingly and that you met me walking, done, and poor Mr. O'Brien be- innocently walking along, just comes a United Irishman to

like Mr. O'Brien, and meaning savehis precious life. . . . The pill no harm, would you say, 'Stop, is so bitter to the percipiency of

Mr. Curran ! don't go further his loyal palate that he is filled you'll be murdered before you up to the neck with whiskey, go half the street if you do not lest he should throw it off his

become an United Irishman, a stomach. . . . This cannibal, this Friendly Brother, or a Free- demon greedy after human gore, mason.' Did you ever hear such has fifteen other victims in re- coaxing, such an invitation to serve, if, from your verdict, he felony as this? ' Sweet Mr. James receives the unhappy man at the

O'Brien, come in and save your bar. Be you, then, their saviours ! precious life. Come in, and take Let your verdict snatch them an oath, or you'll be murdered from his ravening maw, and in- before you go half the street. terpose between yourselves and Do, sweetest, dearest, Mr. James endless remorse ! O'Brien, come in, and do not risk your valuable existence !' KING MOB. What a loss had he been to his king whom he loves so marvel- Had Jemmy been reprieved lously ! Well, what does poor the mighty mob would have pro- Mr. O'Brien do ? Poor dear man, bably executed an incalculable he stands petrified with the amount of mischief. Forty-one magnitude of his danger. All years before, their predecessors his members refuse their office. had in their hands the govern- He can neither run from the ment of things in general for a call danger nor for assistance ; short time. In 1759 there began his tongue cleaves to the roof to be generally entertained a of his mouth, and his feet incor- suspicion of a design on the porate with the paving stones. part of Government to bring It is in vain that his expressive about a Union. The Duke of eye silently implores protection Bedford, then Lord Lieutenant, from the passengers. He yields was a popular governor, but at length, as greater men have private secretary Rigby was done, and resignedly submits to much disliked. The mob acting fate. He enters the house, a on the impulse of the moment, parcel of men make faces at him, assembled at the door of the K MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

House of Commons, and House of Lords, and Sir Thomas would give no credence to Prendergast incautiously coming Rigby, who came to them and to the door, they seized him by assured them they had no found- the nose and rolled him in the ation for their suspicion. He mud. Within, they were guilty gave place to the speaker Pon- of much indecency. Theyplaced sonby, who had the address to an old woman on the throne, pacify them, and send them and got in pipes and tobacco home. for her. They would have burned The fears of the people were the journals in the House of only allayed for a time. Some Commons, only for the ad- new suspicious proceedings oc- dress of the clerk, who repre- curing, a couple of drummers in sented the irreparable mischief the college livery made their which the destruction of the re- appearance in the Liberty, and cords of 1755 would occasion. proclaimed that if the people did Their attention being turned off not rise by one o'clock an act this wise project, they adminis- would be passed to abolish par- tered sundry lashes to one of liaments in Ireland. An im- their body, who had pulled off mense crowd soon collected the hat of Lord Tavistock, son round Chichester House, seized of the Lord Lieutenant. Both on the members as they were he and his father were popular. making their way in, and obliged Rigby would have certainly been each to take oath that he would hung had they discovered him. resist a Union. They were with The Lord Lieutenant sent to difficulty prevented from taking the mayor to disperse the mob, Mr. Rowley, a Presbyterian,^and but he excused himself as the in the opposition too, and drown- riot act had no force in Ireland. ing him. They pulled off Lord So a troop of horse was sent Inchiquin's periwig and red rib- among the crowd with strict bon, and administered the oath orders not to fire. These, slash- to him. As he stammered some- ing about with their swords, what, they began to curse him, scattered the people, but at the but rinding it was an O'Brien expense of fifteen or sixteen whom they had in their clutches, lives. their insults turned to acclama- tions. They pulled the Bishop OLD STEPHEN'S GREEN. of Killala and the Lord Chan- cellor Bowes out of their coaches, However some discontented and swore them, but entertain- individuals may laud the " good ing some doubt of the binding old times," comparisons gene- quality of the oath administered rally turn out favourable to those by themselves, they made the in which we live. When the Lord Chancellor renew his vow Sham Squire and Buck Whalley in presence of the Lord Chief occupied houses on the southern Justice. side of our great square, the in- Next paying a visit to the closure was little better than a MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 131 paddock for cattle, the chief OF defence against trespassers con- THE LORD MAYOR sisting of a deep and wide trench DUBLIN MYSTIFIED. redolent of muddy matter in bad It was the privilege of that weather. But between this and great man to pasture his horses a parallel low wall on the north and cows in the great inclosure. side of the Green extended a One morning in special he derived spacious walk, the fashionable little benefit from his breakfast, promenade of Dublin. There for an unprincipled wag, an ac- might be seen the Sham Squire quaintance of his, called in when arm-in-arm with Buck Whalley, he had only got through half and doing " the captivating " to that meal, and informed him the not very friendly crowd, his that one of the horses in the three-cocked hat fringed with Green had lost a foot. Out he swan's-down, his canary-co- went in a hurry, vowing dire loured waistcoat keeping his punishment on the mutilator, breeches of the same hue in and into the inclosure he countenance, and his long and hastened, accompanied by a sharp-tailed green body coat couple of his people, who lost adorned with highly burnished no time in collecting the cattle buttons. Violet gloves concealed round the statue of George II., his stumpy fingers, and gold which had and still has posses- tassels depended from the tops sion of the centre of the inclo- of his Hessian boots. A con- sure. According as each animal temporary pamphlet represented was examined, it was dismissed the Squire at a drawing-room from the crowd, but the anxious window of his house on the eyes of the owner were unable south side of the square (now to discover the slightest injury No. 84) looking down with con- sustained by any one. The last tempt on people whose shoes he beast was dismissed, and the had once cleaned. One of the master looking about him in vehicles of the day was called a perplexity, when one of his re- noddy, and Higgins is said to tainers happening to cast his have been in the mind of the eyes up at the statue, gave a loud originator of the proverb, " Ele- laugh, and cried, " Oh, master, gance and ease, like a shoe-black we're fairly circumvented. It's in a noddy." Had Sir Andrew the poor King's horse that met Agnew been sitting in a window with the accidence, but he doesn't in the house of the Buck or seem to mind it." the Squire on a Sunday in the month of September, 1789, and witnessed the excitement of a MAJOR SIRR IN HIS crowd, with all their eyes intent DECLINE. on a horse race in the big pad- dock, he might perhaps have To omit all circumstances survived the shock. connected with Major Sirrwhen mentioning the men and things K 2 "

132 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. of " Ninety-eight " would be re- specified to get a few hours' peating the mistake of omitting sleep at his country place, that the character of Hamlet from he returned into the city to dine, the play of that name. But we and that he passed the live long are not fond of presenting his- night in company, wide awake. torical characters of whom none An acquaintance once men- of their contemporaries have said tioned to Mrs. O'Byrne that he anything good. When copying happened to drop in one day at some of the fine water-colour the head police court, where the drawings in the schools of the Major presided, and witnessed Royal Dublin Society, a.d. 1827 an exciting scene. He had just or 1828, we frequently remarked sentenced a reckless old lady the Major strolling through the of the Coombe or the Weavers' rooms, and interesting himself Square to a solitary confine- about the distribution of the ment of a day or so on account prizes. He kept up a lively of some late boisterous exhibi- conversation with one gentle- tion of hers while under the in- man or another, his^companion. fluence of Mr. Richard Swivel- He was rarely alone, and his ler's Rosy. On hearing the fiat tones were those of one who in she burst out into a fearful nar- erroneous parlance is said "to rative of some of her judge's speak through his nose." He acts during the reign of terror, had entirely the appearance of and so affected him that he a lover of aesthetics, one who stopped his ears, looked about had passed his life in galleries helplessly for a little, and then of the Fine Arts. shouted to the police, " Take

Mrs. Anastasia O'Byrne, who her away, take her away ! for has afforded so much aid to the heaven's sake take her away ! writers of local history of our day, gave more sombre remini- scences of the Major to Mr. BEA TEN A T HIS WN Fitzpatrick. She had, without WEAPONS. being aware of his identity, fre- quently remarked him driving A DIFFERENT man in charac- from the Castle to his place in ter was the good-natured, learned, Cullenswood about one o'clock humorous, and intensely witty in the day. He was always Ferdinand Theodore Porter, who wrapped in a dark camlet or sat in the police magistrate's cloth cloak, he exhibited a stern chair some time later than 1745, but not repulsive countenance, but the precise year we have not and might be considered the at the moment leisure to ascer- remnant of a handsome man. tain. If not before Major Sirr's After repeated inquiries she dis- day there is no help for it. If covered who he was, that he our man did not bandy jokes wore armour under his clothes, with Curran and Mac Nally, he that he enjoyed no rest at night, was well qualified to do so. that he drove out at the hour Small chance one or the other MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 133 would have to boast a victory- tion. A cord was provided, with over him in the war of wits. a loop at the end of it ; this loop But as Curran sometimes was laid on the pavement, and " stumbled over a potato " (our the thieves watched the ap- authority is Lord Byron), even proach of a passenger. If he so our scholar and humourist put his foot in the loop it was incurred a signal defeat at the immediately chucked ; the man tongue of an own sister of the fell prostrate, and was dragged bibulous citizeness just men- rapidly up to some cellar or tioned. The good magistrate waste yard, where he was robbed, had not the slightest idea of a and sometimes murdered. The wordy controversy with the stun received by the fall usually woman bemused in liquor. He prevented the victim from ever was advising her for her good, recognising the robbers. We and feelingly besought her to knew a gentleman who had been renounce whiskey, punch, and thus robbed. When he re- beer. Mark the ungrateful re- covered he found himself in an turn. —•" As to them lickers, alley at the corner of a lane off your worship," shouted she, " I'll Bride Street, nearly naked, and say nothing, but to the hour of severely lacerated and contused my death I'll give my curse to by being dragged over the rough PORTHER." pavement."

OLD DUBLIN DURING THE WATER SOLD AT A HIGH DARK HOURS. PRICE.

The police office just passed During part of last century through reminds us by associa- our city was as badly off for tion of the generally inefficient water as we have just seen it body of commissioners, chiefs, was for light. The supply com- and constables who misruled the ing from the Dodder at Tem- through Mr. city till within the past half cen- pleoge, passed lands, tury. Thus the late Edward Compton Domville's and Walsh, Master of the Rolls, this gentleman, when at high feud spoke on the subject in his with the corporation, more than " Ireland Sixty Years Ago." once cut the bank, and dammed "So late as 1812 there were the current, and left the citizens element. only twenty-six small oil lamps without the needful to light the immense square of Once the Lord Lieutenant was Stephen's Green, which were, obliged to bring a large force of therefore, one hundred and horse and foot to discomfort Mr. under seventy feet from each other. Domville's retainers, who The foot-pads congregated in a his orders were preventing the reaching the dark entry if the moon shone water supply from ; incommoded if not, the dim and dismal light city. At last the another quar- of the lamps was little obstruc- citizens looked to 134 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. " ter for relief, and by exerting LIBERTY TAKEN WITH their energies," the grand canal A began to supply the city in HISTOR Y BY TRADITION. 1775- This is how that independible The strongest manifestation carrier of stories, Tradition, has of Mr. Domville to war with the preserved the fact of the homi- city to the last drop, was exhi- cide. bited under the circumstances Lord Santry belonged to that about to be related. detestable body, the Hell-fire Lord Santry, a rather ill-con- Club, whose uniform was red and ducted young nobleman, having black, whose members used most drunk rather freely at the fair of blasphemous language, drank Palmerstown, and quarrelled the health of the devil, and were with a poor man named Laugh- guilty of many diabolical acts. Ian Murphy, stabbed him on This Lord, being at the club very slight provocation. Sud- house in Saul's Court, Fishamble denly repenting of his deed, he Street, made a man drink an gave a surgeon money, and re- excessive quantity of brandy, quested him to look after the and forced more into his throat, wounded man, but this func- till at last the passage was filled tionary sadly neglected his up to his very mouth ; then a charge he left the poor crea- ; lighted candle was applied to ture lying on damp straw, and this opening, and the spirit tak- death ensued. ing fire, blazed away till the Lord Santry's trial for this poor wretch was burned to crime was the first held in the death. Irish House of Lords (1739). He was found guilty, and con- demned to die, and Dublin So- CHANGING THEIR ciety was moved to its centre. COLOURS. The nobleman had been no favourite, but when the sentence Though the two great par- was known, memorials were ties, to one or other of which drawn up in every quarter. The nearly every native of Ireland heaviest pressure was however belongs, are steadfast enough in applied by Compton Domville. keeping to their line of politics, He protested in the most solemn they have changed their colours manner that if his relative was since William gazed on the Irish executed, he would effectually lines from the hillocks over the cut off the water supply. The Boyne. To avoid confusion on culprit was pardoned, but the the day of fight, where French, title became forfeited, and the Dutch, Danes, English, and estates passed into the posses- Irish might be confusedly mixed, sion of Sir Compton Dom- the Williamites bore green twigs, ville. green ribbons, and any other portable green thing procurable, while the Jacobites, in the failure — : :

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 135 of white silk, stuck bits of white home, having a sum of money paper in their hats. Since then about him, and Caulfield at his green has been substituted for desire accompanied him. After white, and orange for green. some time Caulfield returned Some of the volunteer corps of to Waterford, and continued to 1782 bore oak leaves in their live there unmolested, though he hats in honour of William and excited his neighbours' curiosity the Boyne, though they were far on one occasion by getting from approving of his parlia- twelve shirts made by twelve ment abolishing the wool trade different young women. A re- of Ireland. This measure they port got abroad that a young reprobated in their charter song, man of the neighbouring county, one verse of which we subjoin, expected home for some time, the well-beat sheepskin being of had not arrived. An innkeeper course the volunteer drum. Pat of Portlaw shortly after came thus addressed his brother into Waterford, and deposed

John : before the magistrates that Caul- field had come to his house with " Were you not cursed dull when you took off our wool, another man, whom he now sus- To leave us so much of the leather, the pected to have been murdered leather by him, and that they had gone It ne'er entered your pate that a sheep- skin well beat, from his house in the direction Will bring a whole nation together, of the home of the young man together. One and all, young and old, ne'er com- now missing. plain of the cold, When asked how he remem- Though stripped to the skin and the bered these casual customers so bone, sir, the bone, sir All join the parade, and shout out a free well, he hesitated, but when trade, pressed, he explained the matter. Or else you may leave it alone, sir, alone, sir." The morning of the day in which they arrived at his place his wife told him a dream which she had WOMEN'S DREAMS NEVER had the night before, and which ATTENDED TO. was continuing to trouble her. Two men entered the house, About the time when our stayed some time, and then went volunteers were enjoying the away. Her spirit accompanied bravery and excitement of their them, till at a certain spot, of parades round the statue of Wil- which sheN gave a distinct de- liam in College Green, a young scription, she saw one murder, man named Hickey, a native of rob, and bury the other. the county of Cork, returning When Hickey and Caulfield from Newfoundland, made ac- arrived at the house, the woman quaintance with a Mr. Caulfield started, and as soon as she while on the voyage from Eng- found an opportunity, told her land to Waterford. After stop- husband that these were the ping in that city for a short very men she had seen in her time, Hickey started on foot for dream. When they were about 136 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

to set out on their journey after is the time," and he accordingly taking some refreshment, Mr. gave the death-blow to his Rogers, the innkeeper, endea- victim. voured to persuade them to stay Caulfield was a handsome with him till next morning, but man, appeared to be sensible to they were intent on going, and religious influences, and to be left the place accordingly. sincerely penitent for his crime. The magistrates, keeping Caul- We wish the pious ladies of field in custody, sent two or Waterford had not been so im- three men in the direction which pressionable, but they did send the travellers had taken. The him choices of suits to die in, features of the locality seen in and walked in the funeral pro- the dream being impressed on cession singing the fifty-first their minds, they recognised Psalm. French novelists can them in a spot between Portlaw never show entire sympathy to and Carrick-on-Suir, and after a lady unless she has forgotten a careful search in its neigh- her duty to God and her hus- bourhood the corpse of Hickey band. Mr. Crcaktts affectionate was discovered. At the next gushings (see David Copper- assizes the trial took place. field) were monopolized by Heep, Caulfield's counsel endeavoured Littimer, and such-like hypo- to throw ridicule on the evidence critical rascals. In our narrative connected with the dream, but the murderer was sentenced by owing to the peculiar circum- a judge of his own name, and in stances of the case they did not the dream the shorter man was carry the court or the jury with the murderer, while in reality he them. Even the judge in his became the victim. charge adverted to the vision as an intervention of Providence. The prisoner was sentenced to A HUNT IN DUBLIN die, and was executed, but not STREETS. till he had made full confession of his crime. He had had it On the north side of Merrion in his mind before the arrival at Square lived in the early part of the inn, but was turned from his the present century a loving design by the frightened earnest couple, into whose heads the look which Mrs. Rogers cast on idea of matrimony had not en- him as he and his fellow traveller tered till they had long passed entered. the term of maturity, the lady When they arrived at the fatal being nearly fifty on her wedding spot he mentioned to his com- day, and the gentleman in all panion an inconvenience which probability some years older. his hand was suffering from Our authority, Mr. M.,more than knobs on his stick, and he ac- once mentioned, calls the happy cordingly handed him his knife man Major Spread, and a good to smooth them down. The devil specimen of an Irish gentleman at once suggested to him, " Now was Major Spread, being six feet MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 137

high, gifted with a rich southern melodious howls. The Major brogue, and much admired by and his folk followed them close- Mrs. Spread. Seeing no pros- ly, but were unable to force them pect of play-rooms or nursery- out of the course taken by the rooms being put in requisition joker. In this way they went on for a rising family, and not re- to the terror of the fearful and lishing the stillness of a large the delight of the jackeens, empty house, the mistress pro- through Clare, Leinster, and cured a dozen or so of barking Nassau streets. Their noses poodles, and the master several then taking a northerly direc- couple of harriers. tion, they scoured Grafton,West- In the morning Mrs. Spread morland, Sackville, and North entered the Square, surrounded Frederick streets, and turning by her pugs, and promenaded down Dorset Street the unfor- for some time, enjoying the gam- tunate followers of the chase be- bols and excursions of her fa- gan to fear that it might ap- vourites, and having given them proach Dundalk or Drogheda and herself air and exercise, re- at least before they could draw turned into the house. At ten rein. Things in this world are the Major showed himself, at- never so bad but they might tended by his huntsman, wrap- easily be worse. The harriers per in, &c, and all gave tongue turned down Gardiner Street, in their own way, the human nor stayed their course till they animals varying the vocal per- gained the quay at the Custom formance with cracking of whips House. and blowing of horns. Now and Tired of the unpalatable pub- then the men and dogs sought lic notice received from the suitable localities outside the gazers along the route of the town, but on one occasion a hunt, the Major hoped for a street coursing most annoying quiet return home, but it was not to the master's feelings was to be. Down along the quay brought about in this wise. with renewed ardour went the Just before the point of time dogs, and after innumerable ren- of the regular meet, one of that contres of a disagreeable charac- class of mortals who delight in ter, dogs, horses, and men were inflicting ludicrous sufferings on " brought up all standing " at their fellow creatures, came on the lighthouse, the witty fellow the ground, and laying down a who caused the sport having thick slice of raw bacon on' the there flung in the bacon as food pavement, and keeping the other for fishes. end of the string to which it was fastened in his hand, he set out on a brisk tour through a por- MAJOR SPREAD'S MODE tion of the city. As soon as the OF PAYING TAX. dogs were well out in the street they got scent of the game, and Major Spread was a man scampered after the draggerwith of the nicest honour. When any 138 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. friend not endowed with fight- ing qualities felt ill-inclined to A VERY CHEAP TIME- accept a hostile invitation, our PIECE. man was ready to be his substi- tute at a moment's notice. He Pat Power of Daragle, Esq., paid his rent like an honest man, was as ready at the pistol as the and all king's duties like a loyal worthy Major, and equally ready subject, but to the demand of the to oblige a friend. Still he was Merrion Square Commissioners not blood-thirsty in the proper for an annual offering of ^3 15 s. sense of the word. Standing on he was determinedly deaf. The the sod opposite his fire-eating committee, finding all other friend, Mr. Bob Briscoe, he cried means of extracting the subsidy out, "I have still a friendship useless, sent a man armed with for you, Bob, and will show it." legal authority to the Major's He accordingly shot off one house, and this officer on being whisker and the tip of the ad- denied any coined money what- joining ear. ever, began to remove sundry Our man was somewhat handy articles of furniture to a clumsy, and never sought to van waiting for the purpose in disguise the place of his birth the street. by affectation of tone or pronun- The master on returning from ciation. In a tour which he took a visit, and being shown the de- through England he attracted solate condition of his parlour, considerable notice and occa- walked to the Committee room, sional affronts, one of which he upbraided the gentlemen there corrected after a way of his own. assembled for their want of re- As he was sitting in a box in spect to their neighbour, and a coffee room, he became the then and there invited the chair- centre of attention to a group of man, Philip Doyne, to meet him gentlemen, who occupied a table in arms on the smooth turf of at the opposite end of the apart- the Fifteen Acres. Doyne was ment. Hearing him give some not a fighting man, and in vain direction to a waiter, they recog- the offended man requested nized him as an Irishman, and Benjamin Ball, the banker, and took it into their wise heads to other members, to support the extract some cheap amusement honour of the body. Collec- out of him. One of the number tively and individually they re- accordingly beckoned to a waiter, fused compliance till their chair- and handed him a gold watch, man would lead the way. This directing him to show it to the he would not do " for any earth- man in the opposite box, and ly crowns," in the language of ask him the hour. The attend- Miss Miggs (Barnaby Rudge), ant did as he was desired, and and the poor Major was, after Mr. Power, taking the watch out all his annoyance, obliged to pay of his hands, said, " In a few the odious impost, saddled with moments I shall wait on the law costs. gentleman who sent you on this ;

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 139

errand, and tell him the time of the dish. Power or Bligh, which- day to the moment." He called ever it was, taking up one of his to his servant for his pistols, put weapons, called out in an en- one under each arm, walked over couraging tone, " Gentlemen, I to the table, and looking rather owe you something for your en- sternly on the party, quietly tertainment. So I beg permis- asked, " To whom does this sion to exchange shots with you, watch belong ? " There was no one at a time, however. If the answer. " Gentlemen, if no one first falls I shall then give satis-

claims it, I must take the trouble faction to the survivor ; my ser- of keeping it till I discover the vant will give the word of com- owner. Here," said he to his mand. Take up one of the

servant, taking out a pinchbeck pistols ; it is primed and cocked. article, and handing it to him. When Paddy comes to ten " I have room only for one in counting slowly, either is at my fob, mind this for me till we liberty to blaze. Go on, Paddy stumble on the owner of the one, two, three." But that was other." as far as Paddy could get before the humorous gentlemen were clean out of the house. The POTATOES AND PISTOLS. man in possession generously paid their bill. The same gentleman, or, as some say, a Captain Bligh, a countryman of his, having or- A TRUE ALIBI. dered his supper at an inn in England, the waiter laid down One of the early trials in two covered dishes, which, when which the late Daniel O'Connell the covers were removed, were defended the accused man took found full of potatoes. " Whom place in Ennis, and it would may I thank for this plentiful seem at first as if no eloquence meal ? " said he to the waiter. could save the accused. The " These two gentlemen in the prosecutor distinctly swore that box at the end of the room." the prisoner, in company with "Very well. Please send my another, rushed on him at a servant." He came, and got his certain place, at seven o'clock directions. The man of Erin on a May evening, gripped him supped heartily on the potatoes, by the collar, and threatened to to the amazement of his provi- blow his brains out, if he did ders, and at the conclusion of not give up the money which he the meal his servant came in, had received for a cow that day and placed a covered dish on at the fair. Mr. O'Connell plied his table, and another on that him hard with questions, but he occupied by the two men of wit. was not to be shaken. " There They raised the cover, and, Oh, was good light, and he looked

horror ! two murderous firearms hard in the man's face." "How were discovered side by side in much whiskey did he drink at — 140 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. — the fair?" " None ; two pints of

porter only ; was as sober as a judge." THE WRONG MAN IN THE When all seemed lost, the RIGHT PIACE. rector of a neighbouring parish on the coast offered to give At a trial in Cork it was of evidence in favour of the pri- the utmost importance for soner. His appearance much O'Connell's client that the then prepossessed the court in his young counsellor should have favour. He swore that on the the examination of a certain witness day of the assault, 19th of May, ; but in the legal routine the prisoner had been in his em- of the case it was to the senior ployment from five o'clock till counsel his examination be- longed. The very late ; had not quitted the attorney was rectory, in fact, till after mid- fretting and fuming, till, at a night. Mr. Bennett, the leading whisper from O'Connell, his eye crown counsel, did not neglect singled out a stupid oaf of his to cross-question the clergyman, acquaintance then in court. and to all his questions but one Him he got put in the witness's he gave most satisfactory an- chair to be examined by the senior lawyer but all swers. That query was : "What ; the man kind of work was the man em- of law could extract from him ployed on ? " but to it the witness was, that his name was Tim would give no answer. Such Hegarty, for he knew nothing was the uncertainty in the judge's whatever of the merits of the mind when charging the jury case. Of course, the much- that he left them to decide for desired witness fell into the themselves, and they, without hands of the junior, and was hesitation, acquitted the prisoner. turned to the best possible Some time after, Counsellor account. Bennett and this reverend wit- ness happening to enjoy a tete a A COUNSELLOR tete EN- y with nobody within earshot, the lawyer requested the clergy- LIGHTENED BY A CO IV- man to reveal to him (provided STEALER. he was not prevented by any serious scruple) why he had Before recording the lesson been silent on the kind of work of wisdom hinted at in our title, done on that nineteenth of May. we must do ourselves the plea- " I have not the slightest objec- sure of an extract from Mr. tion to make a confession to O'Flanagan's sketches of the " you, for I know you are inca- Bar Life of O'Connell," while pable of abusing my confidence. still in possession of youthful Through the whole of the even- vigour i. e., youthful for a ing of that 19th of May the counsellor. prisoner was engaged distilling "When his portly figure, pottheen whiskey for me." smiling countenance, arch MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 141 glance, and joyous smile were seen in court, he was the ob- A CAUSE GAINED BY A served of all observers. His DANISH VOCABULARY. manner well sustained the im- proprietors of a salmon pression his appearance created. The fishery the Black Water, While his inimitable drollery on near Youghal, brought an action moved to laughter, his deep against certain parties who had pathos melted to tears, and, interfered with their privileges with the versatility of consum- of the exclusive use of nets. mate genius, while the tears defendants maintained that were flowing, his flashes of wit The weir been always called spread the brightness of a rain- the had the " Weir," and, conse- bow, lighting up the tears as Lax quently, no one had a right to they fell. The Irish heart was weir the instrument he lovedto sound, make a close or exclusive of it, or prevent others from and he touched each string with the hand of a master." taking the fish. It was known long The worst of a conscientious that the fishery had been since under the management of lawyer's life is the close neigh- Danish merchants ; so Mr. bourhood of fraud, want of O'Connell turned his attention principle, and villany of every to northern philology for a description into which he is found that in brought by the exigencies of his moment, Lax salmon, and profession. The" great man Danish meant won the for his clients having extricated from his em- cause by barrassment a worthy who had showing that the name of the construction in question did not killed a neighbour's cow, and " loose or free weir," but was found in suspicious proximity mean " Weir." to the beef, was waited on by the Salmon rascal to receive thanks for his masterly defence. The fattest PROVING TOO MUCH. cow in the herd having been selected, the counsellor was O'Connell's far-reaching in- curious to know how the choice genuity did not fall short of his fell on that particular animal, as other great mental qualities. He the night when execution took was defending at the Cork place had been very dark. assizes a man indicted for mur- "Well, counsellor, I'll put you der, and had under examination up to it. When you go for to a redoubtable witness, who steal a cow, mind and take the would stop at nothing to crimi- one that's farthest from the ditch. nate the prisoner. A material The poor thin crathurs always evidence against the accused, goes to the ditch for shelter, whose name was James, was while the fat bastes keeps out- furnished by a hat having been side." found near the body, which hat the witness strongly swore to as having belonged to the prisoner. "

142 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

The case was at about its worst point for the accused when A HARD-WON AND the counsellor requested to have WORTHIESS VICTORY. a look at the hat. He examined its outside, its top, its rims, and In our opinion, Mr. O'Connell finally entered on a careful in- never rejoiced in his mature spection of the inside. Turning years over the victory obtained it round slowly, and repeating in his duel with Mrs. Moriarty, the letters J-a-m-e-s, he said to when animal spirits were high, the witness: "Now do you and life seemed worth living for. mean to tell the court and jury Mr. D. O. Maddyn, we believe, that this name was in the hat was the first to record the battle "— when you found it ? " I do, on in a printed book. We know my oath," replied the witness. not where to look for his autho- —" Did you see the name there ? rity. Perhaps he had none. " I did, surely." " This is the Mrs. Moriarty was mistress of —same hat ; no mistake about it?" a stall of iwtio}is on Inns' Quay, " Och, no mistake ; it is his and backers and non-backers hat." " Now you may go down," laid a wager on the comparative said O'Connell, triumphantly. abilities of the counsellor and " My lord, there is an end of this the stall-woman in a wordy en- case. There is no name what- gagement. A party of legal ever in the hat." wags surrounded the scene of the coming strife, and swords were crossed. A PRA YER OF THE "What's the price of this WICKED. walking-stick, Mrs. What's-your- name ?"—" Moriarty, sir, is my At two successive assizes a name, and I'm not ashamed of

highway robber defended by it, and one and six-pence is the O'Connell was liberated, and price of the stick. It's as chape at the succeeding one he was re- as dirt, so it is." —" One and quested to be his friend again, six-pence for a walking-stick the last offence being piracy. that cost you two-pence ! why, The acquittal was not difficult you're no better than an impos- to be obtained this time, as the ter."—" Two-pence, your granny, court had no jurisdiction, the and imposther in your own

offence, if any, having occurred teeth ! Cut your stick, you can- on the high seas, over which the tankerous jacknips !"— " Keep a Court of Admiralty alone has civil tongue in your head, you control. As the counsellor was old diagonal?—" Stop your jaw,

passing near the dock, imme- you , or I'll make you go diately after the trial, the faster nor you came."—" Don't scoundrel cried out, in a tone of be in a passion, you ancient most unbounded and genuine radius. Anger will only wrinkle gratitude, "Oh, may the Lord your beauty."—" Be this an' be * spare you to me, counsellor ! that, if you go on wid your — MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. H3 impedence, Pie tan your hide, on her foeman's nose the of- though it 'd be a pity to dirty fences of his lips, but, like a my fists on you." Here Biddy worsted hero before Ilium, "he poured out a torrent of tall mingled in the throng." words, too transcendental for our pages. " Easy now, easy LIFE IN DEATH. now ; don't choke yourself with fine language, you whiskey- O'Connell's great powers of drinking parallelogram /" judgment and penetration were " What's that you call me, you evidenced, among innumerable "— murdherin villian ? " I call instances, in that of a trial you what you are, a parallelo- about the validity of a will. gram, and there's not a judge O'Connell, for the heir-at-law, or jury in Dublin that would was pressing on a witness to the say it's a libel."—" Oh, tare an will. To more than one ques- ouns, you ruffin ! to call an tion asked of him whether the honest woman a parallellygrum testator was alive when he to her face. I'm none of your pa- signed the document, his un- —rallellygrums, you thief's breed." varying answer was, " There was " Oh, not you, indeed ! I life in Mr. So-and-so when he suppose the next thing will be was signing the will." The able to deny that there's an hypothe- and acute counsellor, thinking, nuse concealed in your house." at last, that he had got within —" That's a lie for you. I the wily knave's defences, cried never had such a thing in my out at him, " Now, by the house, you swindler."—" Oh you solemn oath you have taken, can't deny the charge, you miser- and as you shall one day answer able sub-multiple of a duplicate for the truth, the whole truth, ratio." Here poor Biddy gasped and nothing but the truth, was for breath, and her antagonist there not a live fly in the dead improved the occasion. "While man's mouth, when his hand I have a tongue I'll give you the was put to the will ? " The benefit of it, you most inimitable trembling witness confessed that

Periphery. Look at her, boys ! so it was. there she stands, a convicted perpendicular in petticoats. She FEARLESSNESS IN A JUST is trembling with guilt to the CAUSE. very extremity of her corollaries. Ah, you're found out, you rec- More honourable to the great tilineal antecedent and equi- man's memory than his geo- angular basket -woman, you metrical victory or his acuteness abandoned similiticde of the bi- in detecting knavery, is his noble section of a vortex /" assertion of the claims of a The tongue was struck dumb, young and abashed barrister but the hands retained their to be heard with attention by powers. Catching up a sauce- the punning Lord Norbury and pan, she would have revenged the morose judge Johnson. —

144 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

The yet unfledged barrister, ley. Sit down, Mr. O'Con- John Martley, was timidly es- nell." saying his first motion before Mr. Martley then proceeded the two unsympathising judges, and stated his motion success- one of whom, Judge Johnson, fully, and ever felt grateful for listened with impatience and ill- the kind interference of his able

humour ; and while he was friend. {Mr. OElanaga?i's Bar losing his presence of mind and Life of O'Connell.) floundering about in his subject under the unkindly reception, A FEW OF BARON Lord Norbury went on punning a GRADY'S GOOD THINGS. and his fellow judge growling. O'Connell, pitying the confusion Though the witty sayings of the new aspirant, begged and caustic remarks of Baron some of his seniors to interfere, O'Grady were not so numerous

but they would not ; so he gene- as those of Lord Norbury, they rously bearded the grumbling excelled them as much as a lions himself. genuine sally of wit excels a " My lords," he said, " I res- haphazard pun. Among the pectfully ask your lordships to myriads of puns uttered by the hear this young gentleman. Mr. facetious lord, some of them Martley is not personally known could scarce avoid being happy. to me, but I submit he has a We add a couple to those al- right to be heard."—" Oh, Mr. ready quoted. O'Connell," said Lord Norbury, Mr. Wallace having been "we have heard Mr. Martley, horsewhipped near Nelson's pil- and we cannot allow the time of lar in Sackville-street, applied the Court to be further wasted." for a criminal information — " Pardon me, my lord, you against his assailant. " I am of have not heard him. He has opinion," said the judge, " that not been allowed to state his the Court should grant its pro- motion. I am sure he is quite tection to any one who has bled capable of doing so now, if your under the immortal Nelson." lordships permit him."— " Mr. Riding to the hounds one day O'Connell," asked Judge John- with a Mr. Pepper, this gentle- son, with an air of defiance, man's horse thought proper to "are you engaged in this mo- throw his master. When re- tion, that you presume to inter- mounted, said Norbury to him, fere ? "—" My lord, I am not," "What is your horse called?" replied Mr. O'Connell, "but I —" Billy," said he. —" Oblige me rise to defend the privileges of by calling him for the future, the bar, and I will never permit Pepper-castor." them to be violated either in O'Grady was superior to puns, my own or the person of any but his sarcasms were dreaded. other member of the profession." There was great noise on one oc- —" Well, well," interposed Lord casion in the Court-house at Tra- Norbury, " we'll hear Mr. Mart- lee, and the Chief Baron sought MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 145 in vain to procure silence. Look- his fingers, under the influence ing in despair towards the of long habit, traced out John sheriffs pew, he spied him con- O'Brien. Great surprise and tentedly reading a book. " Mr. merriment ensued, and the false Sheriff," shouted he, in his di- Darby was obliged to listen to rection, " If you do not put a few very disagreeable truths. down this noise, you will not be permitted to finish your novel in quiet." A MAN ABOUT TO SINK He commenced one of his SAVED BY A STRAW. charges in the same Court with, " Gentlemen of the jury, you O'Connell was engaged for will of course acquit your own a man at the Cork Assizes, but relations." neither he nor the attorney had A highway robber having been the slightest hopes of saving acquitted on the last day of the him from the gibbet. Serjeant assizes, much to his surprise, he Lefroy occupied the chair of the ill at the asked the sheriff if there was circuit judge, who was any other charge against him. time, and the counsellor rightly Being answered in the negative, conjectured that he would be he added, " Then, Mr. Sheriff, averse, except in an extreme of death. I shall be obliged by your al- case, to utter the doom lowing me half-an-hour's start He resolved on an unusual before you give him his liberty." line of proceeding, and tor- mented the witness for the Crown with a series of annoying GOOD MEMORY NECES- questions not bearing in any SARY TO A LIAR. shape on the subject. Serjeant Goold, the Crown prosecutor, At an election in the County objected to this proceeding, and Clare, at which O'Connell was the judge was obliged to say he the Sheriff's assessor, the signa- could not allow Mr. O'Connell ture of Darby Moran gave much to proceed any longer in that trouble. It was asserted that line of examination. the name was in Darby's own " Well then, my lord," said he, handwriting, but it had the after some parley, "as you re- cross between name and sur- fuse to allow me to defend my name, and the words, His Mark, client, I leave his fate in your above and below. The man hands." He flung down his who personated Darby Moran brief, and left the Court, saying was on the spot, and a confused the while, "The blood of that discussion was proceeding, when man, my lord, will be on your at last the assessor called out, head if he is condemned." The " Darby Moran, can you write ?" far-seeing and accurately-judg- —" To be sure I can."—" Then ing advocate well knew what he write your name on this leaf." was doing in throwing such re- Darby took pen in hand, and sponsibility on an inexperienced "

146 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. and humane judge. In about now, my wig is off, which is the half-an-hour, as he was pacing better looking ? the flags outside, his attorney, This sally of practical humour forgetful of his hat, came run- was received with bursts of ning to announce success. The laughter and cheering. O'Con- judge had charged so favour- nell looked admirably, exhibit- ably that the prisoner was ac- ing a scull which, for volume quitted. and development, was not to be surpassed. aCONNELL AND COUNSEL- LOR WEST COMPARING A LYING AND TREACHE- HEADS. ROUS FACE.

Judges and barristers occa- A NOBLEMAN in the neigh- sionally lowering themselves bourhood of Cork diverted so from their social platforms, and much of a stream from its origi- imitating angry women scolding nal channel as to cause loss and in the street, " call names." inconvenience to a neighbour, Lord Plunkett applied to good who accordingly instituted a suit Mr. West, the sobriquet of Sow for its recovery. The nobleman West, as his head and face had employed an attorney named nothing of a puny character Fogarty to manage his defence, about them. 0"Connell pro- and it so happened that Mr. bably used the term when pre- Fogarty, though an abstemious paring to contest the City of man, owned a face, which, in Dublin with him, a hearty laugh size and colour, would become is of such service to preparatory the most abandoned toper in speeches. Cork, Dublin, or Limerick. When the two candidates O'Connell appeared for the in- were in presence of their con- jured party, and dwelt on the stituents in the Court-house, wrong done to his client in wan- O'Connell again quizzed his tonly depriving him of a benefit rival good humouredly on the which his farm had enjoyed so absence of Hogarth's line of long, and which it enjoyed no beauty in his upper regions. longer. In place of that, the In reply Mr. West said, " It is defendant now monopolized the all very well for Mr. O'Connell water ; he diminished it. It to attack me upon my appear- had been daily becoming small ance, but I can tell you, if you and beautifully less. " There is saw Mr. O'Connell without his not now," he said, "gentlemen Avig, he does not present a face of the jury, a tenth of the ordi- which is much to boast of." nary quantity. The stream is To the surprise of the specta- running dry, and so low is it, tors, no less than of Mr. West and so little of it is there, that," himself, O'Connell walked across, continued he, turning to the pulled off his wig, stood close by rubicund attorney, " there is not Mr. West, and cried out, " There enough in it to make grog for —" "

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. H7 Fogarty." The poor man's adopted by the peasants to de- traitorous face assumed a still prive themselves of little, and deeper dye of roseate purple, give even less than that little to though little needed to swell the rectors, while they were higher the roar of laughter, in subject to the tithe nuisance. which the grave judge, and the " Paddy," says the rector, graver registrar and crier, were "you owe me £1 17s. 6<^." obliged to join. —" What for, your reverence ? —"Tithes, Paddy."—" Then I suppose you gave the family TICKLED TO DEATH. some value before I was born. Surely you never gave any- It was of great importance thing to me that I remember. for the party for whom O'Con- But, please your reverence, I nell once engaged to prove was have no money."—" You have a that a witness was drunk and cow, Paddy."—" But if your a certain day, and incapable on reverence takes her, what will his approaches : thus he made Norah and the childher do ? Darby, you told the "Well, —" Well, I'm sorry, but the cow whole truth to that gentleman," must be distrained." had pointing to the counsel who Paddy stamps tithes on the just given him up. " Yes, your cow's side, and not a soul in the Honour, Counsellor O'Connell." three townlands will buy her. —" you How do know my So the disappointed man gets a ? "—" Ach, sure everybody name regiment and a half of red coats, knows our own fiathriat."— and they and their officers, all " Well, are a good-hu- you gentlemen by birth and educa- moured, honest fellow, Darby. tion, march seventeen miles tell me, did you take a Now fields, and along " across bogs and anything that day ? drop of bad roads, and bring the cow " your honour, I took my Why, to Carlow. There the auction share of a pint of spirits." is to take place. The crowd " Your share of it ? Now, be- collect, and the parson rubs his tween ourselves, wasn't your hands. " There will be bidders share of it all but the pewter ? enough now." The cow is put —" Why then, dear knows but up at £2—no bidder ; £1—no true for sir," and poor that's you, $s. bidder ; ioi-.— no bidder ; 6d. Darby recognised in the burst of — iSd.—not a soul will bid, and laughter that arose, that he had back goes the cow to Norah and committed himself and his the childher. friends. INCONVENIENCES OF GREAT CRY AND UTILE POPULARITY. WOOL. Like Charles Dickens and Once at a public meeting other popular men, O'Connell O'Connell illustrated the system was kept in a perpetual worry 1, 2 —

148 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. by his admirers. Once he re- SELF-INTEREST INTER- ceived a letter from New York FERES WITH SLAUGHTER. stating the writer's discovery of commission in a Queen Anne's farthing, and At a special against whom giving a particular description of Kerry, a Mr. S., modest O'Connell had occasion to utter it. Then followed a language, request that the Great Liberator some unpleasant him a would negociate the sale of the jumped up and called blockhead. " I same coin for him in London, purse-proud proud of," where, as he was informed by have no purse to be " a block- several intelligent persons, it said he, and if I am the better for would realize a handsome for- head, so much you, as I am the opposing tune for its possessor. Mr. Peter Waldron, of New counsel. It will not be amiss, trifle good York, was an admirer of still however, to beat a of more trouble-giving proclivities. manners into you," and letting follow on speech, he ad- Thus ran his letter : action ministered to him some sound " Dear Sir, — I have discovered strokes of the president's cane an old paper in which 1 find on the back. Next day he re- that my grandfather, Peter Wal- ceived by the hands of Mr. dron, left Dublin about the year William Ponsonby, of Cratloe,

1730. You will very much ob- a challenge in due form ; but lige me by instituting an inquiry time was scarcely given to who the said Peter Waldron answer it when another missive any was ; whether he possessed arrived revoking the offer. Mr. property in Dublin or elsewhere, O'Connell's life was mentioned and to what amount ; and in in a valuable lease held by Mr. case he did, you will confer a S., and therefore he could not particular favour upon me by afford to shoot him. But let taking immediate steps to re- Mr. O'Connell get his life in- cover it, and if successful sured, and then he was his man forwarding the amount to me at at sword or pistol. New York." This man was a genuine coward, yet he fought six duels It is probable that no one of in his time through dint of fear, Dickens's begging-letter writers and brought his valuable life ever attained to such a sublime safe through all. point of impudence as did Mr. The present writer never had Peter Waldron. The man who the fortune to see O'Connell outdid all his former doings, by with his wig and gown on, but the modest request that an ass he was more than once filled and car might be left out for with enthusiasm at meetings, him at a certain hour of the listening to his spirit-stirring following day, halted a long words, or ready to die with distance under Mr. Waldrons laughter at humorous passages perch. in his speech and his inimitable MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 149 gestures. Often has he met his 1 7 10, some non-sympathisers portly form moving along Nas- coated his Majesty's face with sau Street, his face shaded with mud, and walked off with his his broad-leafed hat, and his sword and truncheon. At a later strong right hand fancying the date it was discovered to have umbrella handle to be a sword- been done in a drunken freak hilt. Better still, we have seen by three young men of the col- him, while he ruled as king ab- lege, two of whom were severely solute in the hearts of seven- punished. Another insult was eighths of the Irish people, en- offered in 17 14, and in 1765 it gaged humbly at prayer, as was taken down and replaced on undistinguished as he could a higher pedestal. render himself among the little We can hardly realize now as citizens and citizenesses who we look down the wide expanse frequented Clarendon Street of College Green on a fine Sun- Chapel. day morning in Summer, that somewhat more than a century since there was but a limited KING WilliAM ON HORSE- space at each side of King BACK. William, that Sedan chairs, grouped on every side, presented The statue in College Green, no small obstruction to horse on which in our day Protestants and foot, and that notwithstand- and Catholics, Whigs and Tories, ing a tlittle watch-house on the look with equal indifference, evi- east side there was in its neigh- dently possesses not the virtue bourhood a plentiful provision of the original, which was in- of filth. It at last became such augurated with great eclat on an eyesore that a notion was en- the ist of July, 1701. Some tertained of removing it to the years since our collegians might barracks, but the volunteers be called image worshippers, so brought it once more into favour much did they venerate the by holding their reviews in its statue, but in the beginning it neighbourhood from the year was not so. The Jacobite spirit 1779, the 4th of November was not extinct in the Dublin being the gala day. Alma Mater, neither was the During the volunteer move- spirit of mischief, and the young ment the statue was in high fa- collegians could not overlook vour with all parties, but after- the fact that the king contemp- wards it lost its popularity with tuously kept his back turned to the national party, and in 1798 the darling seat of Irish letters. the sword was wrenched from Now the statue would be found its side, and Watty Cox, by in the morning adorned with trade a gunsmith, attempted to green boughs, now defiled with file off its head. The material mud, and at another time with being special good brass, he was a straw figure astride on the unable to get through the opera- crupper. On the 25th of June, tion in time. 15° MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

In 1805 King William's un- And though he expected no pay, He told the policeman he'd do him. friends obtained a small success. ' ' For,' said he, I must have him in style, November 4th falling on a Sun- The job is not wonderful heavy, day, the rejoicings were deferred And I'd rather sit up for a while Than see him undressed at the levee, till Monday, and the watchman For he was the broth of a boy.' in College Green kept himself Then up to his highness he goes, for fear awake of the execution And with tar he anointed his body, of any unlawful design on the So that when the morning arose, looked like sweep in effigy. On Saturday, as mid- He a a noddy. It fitted him just to the skin night was at hand, a painter ap- Wherever the journeyman stuck it; proached the guardian, bearing And after committing the sin, ' Have an eye,' said he, ' watch, to the in his hands a paint bucket and bucket. brush. " I come from the city For I have not done with him yet.' decorator," said he, " to prepare The birthday being now very nigh, the statue. He was afraid to And swaddling clothes made for the send me during light for fear of hero, A painter was sent for to try being interrupted by the mob or To whitewash the face of the negro. maybe getting a stroke of a He gave him the brush, to be sure, Hut the first man so deeply did stain stone." " Well, lire away." He him, painted diligently for some time, That the whitewash effected no cure ; and then approaching the watch- Faith, the whole river Boyne would not clean him, man again, said, " I find I must And still he remains in the dirt." go back to the workshop for something which I forgot. Will On the occasion of the visit you mind my paint pot and of his Majesty, George IV., and brush till I return ? " He did during the civic reign of Sir not return, and when day began Abraham Bradley King, the to break the warden discovered death-blow was given to the the bucket suspended by a halter unwise institution. In 1822, the from the King's neck, and the Lord Mayor, John Smith Flem- poor King himself all covered ing, forbade the ornamenting of with a vile black compound of the statue with colours or em- tar and grease. It was in time blems calculated to give offence, removed, and the solemnity held, and the only remarkable pro- but the Lord Lieutenant, the cession round the statue, which Duke of Bedford, would not occurred at a later day, was sanction it afterwards by his formed by a body of trades on presence. The performers from their way to Merrion Square to that time omitted the firing from present an address to O'Con- the programme. The sly painter's nell. handy work was commemorated In the year 1836, and on the in a street ballad of the day, 7th of April, time a few minutes sung to the air of " De night be- after midnight, a light burst fore Larry was stretched." from the side of the statue next the bank, and immediately after "The night before Billy's birthday, the figure was blown with a deaf- Some friend to the Dutchman came to him; ening explosion several feet in MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 151 the air. The legs and arms were contemptible productions in found broken, and the head themselves, but they pass for much injured, a circumstance facts among the masses of not [to be wondered at, seeing English people, and conse- that the blast of heated air, quently they keep up an un- caused probably by fulminating healthy feeling of mingled dis- silver, extinguished all the lamps like and derision towards their in College Green. We must say neighbours and fellow-subjects, that neither rider or horse now who have the ill-luck to be guarding the trickling fountain separated from them by the in College Green, can compare Irish Sea. as a work of art with his pre- Our country people usually decessor. However, being under dry their turf for some weeks after the protection of a popular cor- its being cut before they think poration, and presenting an in- of making a fire out of it. Yet offensive, healthy bronze hue to a commissioner employed by " the eyes of all who traverse Col- All the Year Round * saw some lege Green, the days of "William Connaught folk boiling their on Horseback" are likely to be potatoes with it the very day on long in that airy and cheerful which it was taken reeking, soft, thoroughfare. and damp from the bog. One of these wonderful turf-cutters was seen taking a log on his EARS AND NO EARS; shoulders to do the deed which EYES DITTO. in all the instances that ever came under our notice required If clever French writers could a peculiarly shaped iron spade. be aware of the load of contempt In order to carry the supply of they heap on themselves in the fuel home, he made use of a cord sight of their English neigh- and a kippeen (stick or twig) bours by the outrageous sketches slung at his back ; but we have which they present of their habits not the slightest notion how the and manners when at home, stick and the cord secured a they probably would reform fairish load of freshly-cut peat. their " custom of an afternoon " The report made by the sapient of attempting descriptions of commissioner may be found in what they have not seen, except "All the Year Round" for for a moment, nor studied at all. August 13th, 1859. The Irish, in many instances, That worthy baronet and most have to complain as sadly of agreeable writer of travels, Sir their English visitors, as natives Francis Head, imposing it as a of England have to complain of task on himself to correct his their Gallic ones. Many hur- travelling fellow-countrymen for ried visits and sketches of their misrepresentations concern- strangers from Little Britain, or ing Ireland, did not adopt the plan St. Mary Axe, or Ratcliffe High- of grave fault-finding or exposure way, are merely ludicrous or of conclusions rapidly made. ;;

152 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

He probably knew the country- san, a lazy wretch, or an im- well, but, intending to throw portunate beggar, rejoicing in discredit and ridicule on the rags and dirt. hasty and prejudiced visitors Treading on the sore heels of from England, he presented his the inventors of the etymology satire in the guise of a genuine of Thafe, Praste, Rade, Belave, tour, exaggerated the defects of and similar words, he affixed his predecessors, and entitled such sounds to the words quoted his book, " A Fortnight in Ire- below as will be a caution to the land." What keen irony in the successors of Messrs. Tittlebat title ! It implied a cutting re- and Co. buke, as much as if the judicious Honour, arnh'r; Nelson, Nal- mentor had said in so many son; parade, prate; hospital, words, " You, Mr. Tittlebat, and harspital; don't, doun't; you, Mr. Thornback, behold in small, sma; long, Ihong; this book of mine, as in a mirror, years, yares; potatoes, pita- a reflection only slightly exag- turs; job, jarb; him, hum; gerated of your worthless, stupid, soldier, souldier; Vice-regal, and prejudiced productions. Vice-agle; shew, shau; You have dashed them off after pocket, porcket; feet, fate; a visit of a fortnight, whereas a indeed, indade; hoped, book worth reading concerning horped; it, utj Dublin, this or any country should be DhubInnj stop, starp; deer, the result of excursions and dare; obelisk, orbelisk; sojourns of some months." steam, stame; your, yere We do not mean to consider that, thart; man, mam* Sir Francis's valuable book in reference to characters or facts. Sir Walter Scott, not having To impart to his work that spirit a smaller coin about him, once of ludicrous earnestness and gave a shilling to an Irish gravity which distinguishes the beggar, with the remark, " Re- famous " History of New York member, Paddy, you owe me by D. Knickerbocker," or Swift's sixpence." " Och," was the patriotic scheme of using the answer, " may your honour never Irish babes as food, he cordially die till I pay you!" If any gave the Irishwomen full credit book resembling the " Fortnight for woman's chief excellence, in Ireland " is in any future time chastity and conjugal fidelity, to be published, may we not die and to the educated Irishman till we see it. credit for genuine politeness and hospitality. But then mark the cunning exaggeration of the LOOSE THREADS TAKEN faults of Messrs. Tittlebat, UP: SHERIDAN. Thornback, and Stickleback. Richard Brinsley, com- Every one that is not a well-bred OUR and hospitable gentleman is a * These spells are accurately copied furious or deep-plotting parti- Amfir occurs in hundreds of places. MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 153 ing up to London to contest the Sheridan used to repeat with seat for Westminster with Mr. much relish a feeling observation Paull, happened to be in the same made to him once by one of his " coach with two of the electors, constituents : Oh, sir, things he and they unknown to each cannot go on in this way ; there other. One of the men asked must be a reform; we poor the other to whom he would electors are not paid at all." give his vote. " To Paull, A certain creditor, Shaw by certainly ; for, though he is but name, was ceaselessly dunning a shabby sort of fellow, I would or drumming the poor man for a vote for any one rather than debt of ^500. Once, as he was that rascal Sheridan." " Do vigorously applying the screw, you know Sheridan ? "—" No, his victim endeavoured to intro- and don't intend, if I can help duce a diversion by mentioning it." Alighting for breakfast, the pressing need he was in for Sheridan took the questioner £2$ to defray the expenses of a aside. " Will you please to let journey he was obliged to take. me know the name of the gentle- Mr. Shaw gave a decided re- man with whom you have been fusal, and was gently reproved conversing ? He is a very for his use of false weights and agreeable man."—" Mr. T measures. " You persist in ask- , an eminent lawyer. He lives ing me for five hundred pounds," in Lincoln's-Inn- Fields." "Much said he, " yet you will not afford obliged." When they were under myself the small accommodation way again, Sheridan led the of twenty-five." discourse to the subject of law, An old maid, a relation of lauded the system itself, alluded his, frequently exercised his pa- to the possible misery of a tience in obliging him to take people possessing no laws, ex- long out-door walks with her. tolled the character of many Renewinghersuit on an occasion eminent lawyers past and pre- when his entire stock of en- sent, but regretted the fact of so durance was down to nought, he many living professionals being observed that the weather was thoroughly unprincipled. "How- bad and rainy. Returning to the ever," continued he, " of all the charge in some minutes, she rascals of the profession, by far observed that the weather had " " the greatest is Mr. T , of cleared up. Ah," said he, so Lincoln's-Inn-Fields." " I am it is— sufficient for one, but not Mr. T ," said the highly enough for two." offended man. " And I am Let us hope that the two fol- Mr. Sheridan." The joke was lowing good things never oc- now transparent. There was a curred. His son Tom once shaking of" hands all round, and expressed a wish to descend into Mr. T and his friends ex- a coal mine. "What is the erted themselves to forward object ? "—" Merely to be able their new friend's interest at the to say in company that I have election. been down in one." "And "

154 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. what's to prevent you from saying rogue's sympathisers in the body so without running the risk ? of the court approve of the zeal " Tom, you graceless rogue, displayed by the advocate for I'll cut you off with a shilling." their brother, that one of them —" If you have it about you, cried out in a burst of grateful " father, I'll be obliged to you for enthusiasm, Long life to you, it." Plunkett ! Boys {sotto voce) the first horse I'm in for, I'll have LORD PLUNKETT. Plunkett." The reader, as we trust, has On being told that his suc- not forgotten the information cessor in the Common Pleas, which Plunkett, when in his Chief Justice Doherty, had little barristerhood, afforded to Lord or nothing to do, Plunkett re- Redesdale on the different qua- marked, "Well, he is equal to it." lities of English winds and kites, A Mr. Moore, a clerk in the and of Irish ditto. We proceed Court of Chancery, prided him- to supply some other memora- self on his fine handwriting, and bilia of the great and good law- Mr. M orris, an attorney attending yer, who by sheer merit obtained the same Court, was vain of his in succession the offices of Chief personal appearance. "Plunkett," Justice and Lord Chancellor. said Bushe one day, while the Now and then we strive to ascer- Lord Chancellor was expected, tain, by a vigorous mental effort, " why should this court remind whether a chief justice or a us of the road to Chester ? "—" I chancellor, when endeavouring give it up."— " Don't you see we ? "— by every means in his power to are near Pen-man Moore . " I ascertain the truth in a trial, was stupid indeed," replied and to do strict justice—ever Plunkett, " with Bean Morris feels disturbed, and his self- opposite me." respect damaged, by remem- Being told of the appointment brance of various times when he of an indolent man to a judicial exerted every faculty to save a office where there was little knave or a murderer from well- business, " It is the very court deserved punishment. for him," he exclaimed. " It will Lord Plunkett, when sitting in be up every day before him- his dignified chair, and con- self." scious of the respect, nay rever- " Until the year 1820, there ence, felt towards him by every were no regular reports of the individual in the court, must Irish cases. All the new autho- have at times found his self- rities were imported from Eng- respect diminished to some ex- land, so that the accident of a tent by the souvenir of a trial fair or foul wind might some- in his own county town of En- times affect the decision of a niskillen, where he vigorously cause. ' Are you sure, Mr. defended a notorious horse- Plunkett,' said Lord Manners stealer, and worked out his ac- once, ' that what you have quittal. So- highly did the stated is the law?'—'It un- —

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 155

questionably was the law half an "he was unanimously elected ; hour ago,' replied Mr. Plunkett, he was seated in his chair amid pulling out his watch, ' but by acclamations, &c, &c., &c, and this time the packet has pro- on his return home was obliged bably arrived, and I shall not be to send for a surgeon to cure positive/" (Irish Quarterly Re- him of a black eye received on view.) the way." THE DIFFERENCE BE GENEROUS: LET BETWEEN A POET AND A JUSTICE MIND ITSELF. GENTLEMAN. There are few folk from Kil- When Sir Walter Scott was lala to Kingstown who have not in Ireland in 1825, he paid a heard of the eloquent Dr. Kir- of visit to Lord Plunkett at Old wan, and the mighty sums Connaught, Bray. Thence host money which he extracted from and guest made an excursion to all pockets by his charity ser- Glendalough, and Sir Walter mons, and poured into the laps would not be satisfied to come of widows and orphans. Some earnest away without first climbing to time later, another of St. Kevin's Bed. When about preacher emptied the purses to leave the place, Lord Plun- Catholics as adroitly as Dean kett gave Cathleen the guide to Kirwan did those of Protestants. understand, that the lame but It is out of our power to say in adventurous and active visitor what year since 1825 this good " man, entirely made up of heart, was a poet. " Poet ! said she, in an incredulous tone, " D died. It would appear as if there a bit of him. He's a rael dasent was no room in the good priest's mind and heart but for ideas gentleman ; he gave me half-a- crown." and feelings of compassion. He would involve himself in debt for KILLING WITH KINDNESS. the sake of any of the charitable institutions befriended by him, OUR biographers have not and it often happened that when preserved many of Grattan's his creditors hinted to him that witty or humorous sayings, but they would like to touch their Father we have no dearth of eloquent money again, poor , invectives and patriotic out- being already at his purse's end, bursts. Still the man who, when would soon get to his wits' end, enduring pain from accidental and sometimes fail to scrape to- hurts received at his triumphal gether the sum demanded. chairing, could thus jest on his In this way he ran up a suffering, must have powers of twenty pound obligation to a wit at command. While the farmer in his parish, and after surgeon was putting him to pain, the lapse of some months the he cried out, " The papers will creditor began to consider his of course give a glowing account chance of repayment very small. of the triumph. They will say, He was one evening talking over —

i 5 6 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. the matter with his wife, when that his grateful parishioner had she suddenly informed him she received some money from a would insure him payment on very unlikely quarter, and his solemn engagement to hand therefore was glad to be enabled her over five out of the twenty to repay his Reverence the loan pounds. She wanted that sum so kindly advanced. The good for such or such a need. Their easy man was probably too un- daughter Honora would be glad worldly in disposition to become of a new gown, or master Pat of aware of the ingenious device a pony. He gave the promise exercised at his expense. and she the advice. Next day at an early hour he A CHURCH DIGNITARY waited on his Reverend debtor. NOT ABOVE PUN-MAKING. " Oh, Father , I am at a terri- ble pinch. I have to pay £^oo The late Archbishop Whately this week, and I am still ^30 had as large a heart as the short of the sum. If you can't Fingallian priest, but his judg- help me I don't know where to ment was equal to his charity. turn. Even the twenty pounds The poor of Dublin and of Stilor- you owe me would be of no gan lost a beneficent patron at " use." Well, well ; at this mo- his death. His high station and ment there is not half a guinea grave character have not suf-

in the house. This is Tuesday : ficed to preserve his memory come over and take a bit of from being incrusted with sundry dinner with me on Thursday at puns and witticisms of which four o'clock, and who knows the living man had never even what God may send in the in- dreamed. Even the late Harry terim." The cook had a good Lorrequer (alas that we must dinner on the table at the hour say the word !) could not forbear appointed, the farmer was punc- laying violent hands on His tual to time, the host was (for it Grace under the flimsy guise of was out of his power to be other- the " Dean of Drumcondra," wise) cheerful and hospitable, and making him at a convivial and when the cloth was removed, party thus furnish the derivation and a strong tumbler of punch of topsy turvy. had gone the way of all liquor, " Unde topsy turvy unde thirty pounds, in notes and gold, topsy turvy!" said the Dean. spread out on the mahogany, " Whence topsy turvy ? Do gladdened the eye of the guest, you give it up ? Do you, Mr. who of course was mighty grate- Attorney ? Do you, my lord ? ful. Miss Honora got her silk Do you give it up, eh ? I gown, or Master Pat his pony, thought so. Topsy turvy, quasi and next Saturday morning a top-side t'other way." messenger handed the benevo- The conversation turning on lent clergyman a letter which, the use of the lasso, the Dean on being opened, revealed a ten proceeded to give a practical pound note, and the information illustration to his neighbour, a " " —

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 157

fat, florid lady, adorned with a your Grace?' 'Oh,' he cried, yellow turban and bird of para- with the complacency of a dise plume. cherub, ' There is no getting " Nothing more simple," said meaning out of Greek without the Dean, holding his napkin a paraphrase, you understand, over Mrs. Kennyfeck's head, to ma'am.' the manifest terror of that lady The Catholic and Protestant for her yellow turban. " You Archbishops of Dublin sat side take the loop of a long, light by side in the board-room of rope, and measuring the dis- the Commissioners of National tance with your eye, you make Education some thirty years the cast in this manner."—" Oh, since. There, or at some vice-

dear ! oh, Mr. Dean, my bird regal dinner, Dr. Whately grave- of paradise plume ! "—" When ly asked Dr. Murray, his col- you present a bull, ma'am, you league, " Dr. Murray, what is should not have feathers," re- the difference between you and joined the implacable Dean, me ? " The questioned man with a very rough endeavour to could adduce some hundreds of restore the broken plume. " Had points of difference, but no you held your head down in the single one was sufficiently com- attitude of a bull's attack, I prehensive or apropos. " You should have lasso'd you at once give it up ? Then I'll enlighten and without difficulty." yourself and the company. Dr. Townsend Young, in a You're a Roman and I'm a note to Sir Jonah Barrington's Rum-u?i." " Personal Sketches," furnishes the following bit of information CARBOY WIT. concerning our subject. His Grace having an English " Some one was extolling the gentleman at his palace, took firmness of the British squares into his head one day to treat in sustaining the furious charges his guest to some specimens of of the French Guards at Wa- those ready answers for which terloo. ' What was their cool- our carmen are said to be re- ness to ours ?' exclaimed Dr. markable. He hired an out- X. ' Had they to stand the side car, and they drove about. shock of Whately's charge, as A heavy shower came on as we did the other day, they'd they were passing the Cus- soon disperse, I promise you.' tom-house, but that did not The next anecdote is from the prevent his Grace from asking same authority. their guide what statues were " A lady having asked the these over the front of the meaning of Artston men to Hu- building. " An' sure they're the dor (Water is the best thing), Twelve Apostles, my lord.* he replied, 'Water is the best " Where are your eyes, man ? thing for fish, sea-fights, and I can see but four."—" An* steam-engines.' The lady stared, aren't the others gone inside for asking, 'Does it mean all that, shelter from the rain ? Would —

i 5 8 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

your lordship have them to be standing outside in such weather A CORONER'S INQUEST IN as this ?" OLD TIMES. The weather cleared up and Before leaving the North the conversation went on. " Pad- Wall it will not be amiss to dy, if the Black Fellow was record a circumstance said to allowed his choice between you have occurred when there were and me, which of us would he " humorists in the land, and take ? —" Me, to be sure, my when bizarre incidents excited lord. He will be sure of your little surprise. It is probable Grace at any time."* that the late Mr. Carleton got If the following circumstance the first hint of his " Resurrec- did not take place during that tions of Barney Bradley" from excursion it is a pity, but we it. We prefer the metrical form fear that it occurred several in which the story was told, for years before. No matter. The we suspect it is now remembered Doctor and his English friend but by few. disagreed on the comparative with which an Eng- directness "'Twas Murphy Delany, so merry and lishman and Irishman of the frisky, people would answer a question. Went into a shebeen to get his skin full, They met two good subjects And reeled out again, pretty well lined on the quay on whom to try with whisky, Shamrock, as blind as a experiment, and the ques- As soft as a the bull. tion was proposed in the first instance to the native of Eng- But a bit of an accident happened our " rover, land. What would you take, Who took the wall's edge for the floor my man, for throwing your- of his shed, And the keel of a coal barge he just self directly into the Liffey "— tumbled over, over that little wall ? " I de- And thought all the time he was going to bed. clare I —wouldn't take twenty pounds." " Well now, Paddy, Some friends going by took him out of what would you take?" the river, Sent for a horse docthor his sickness to " I would Faith, gentlemen, mend, take my death o'could." It was Who swore that poor Pat was no longer agreed on both sides that this a liver, But dead as a door-nail, so there was was by far the more direct an end. answer." They sent for the coroner's jury to try him, But Pat not half liking their comical * Paddy, though nominally a Catholic strife, it is was not a well informed one ; for con- What with twisting and turning, the sidered in his community a grave offence while they stood by him, against charity to pass sentence on any He came, when he found it convenient, individual inside or outside the church, to life. particularly when such individual has borne a good character during life. Such an ' Arrah, gentlemen honey, give over, an't

answer might be given in jest to an equal, plase you : but national politeness would never permit I'm as live as a mackerel, and likely to it to be made to a doctor of divinity. do.' ; "' —

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 159

' Be quiet, you spalpeen, and keep your circumstance found in George tongue aisy Do you think but the docthor knows Storme's Select German Stories betther nor you ? (Asher & Co.). Where Herr Storme found it he does not ex- So the jury went on with the business much further, plain. The following is a literal Examined the docthor about his be- translation. lief; " They brought poor Delany in guilty of When Lady Hamilton's lug- murdher, gage was being landed in Pa- And swore that they'd hang him in lermo, Lord Nelson's steersman spite of his teeth. made himself very useful in It is probable that another having it carefully conveyed verse has been irrecoverably- into the ambassador's residence. lost. In all likelihood it re- Lady Hamilton took notice of corded the resurrection of the his great attention, put a moi- patient, and his ejecting by- dore in his hand, and said, force of arms the faithless ' Now, my friend, what will you crowner his ? '— and men. drink ' Oh, thank you, gra-

cious lady 5 I am not thirsty.' 1 Oh, but Nelson's steersman HE'S NOT COVETOUS, BUT take must something from me ; HE'D FAIN HA VE ALL. so what will you have—a glass of brandy, a tumbler of grog, or It is to be feared that until ?'— a tumbler of punch ' Madam, our island has lain under water as you insist, it would be un- for twenty-four hours, a great por- mannerly to refuse. So I'll take tion its populace will of continue a glass of brandy first, and then very dry. The following good the tumbler of grog, while your thing is supposed to be peculiarly ladyship is mixing the punch.'" Irish, but we have found it even in Sicily. MORE WORDS ON " THE One of our landlords receiving DROP OF DRINK." a visit from a tenant who did not present himself empty-hand- Small welcome would the ed, addressed him, with a hos- English steersman or the Irish pitable air. " Larry, you must ploughman have given to such not leave the house without wine as its proprietor thought taking something. Which do he was doing honour to, when you prefer—a glass of spirits, a he asserted that there was not a glass of port, or a tumbler of headache in a hogshead of it. punch?"—"Oh, sir, I'd be sorry " Ay," said a much disappointed to put you to so much trouble, but guest, " but there's a stomach- since you insist on it, I believe ache in every glass of it." I'll begin with a glass of port, The following effusion in and then I'll venture on the glass honour of the beverage reserved of spirits, while the punch is for the last by the sailor and the getting ready." land lubber will be perhaps con- Here is a variety of the same sidered inferior in execution to " i6o MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. some of Anacreon's and Captain your liking." She was called out Morris's, but our steel pen to a of the room on the moment, and thraneen, it is equal or superior so was unaware of the horrible to their best things in hearti- grimaces which passed over the ness. poor man's features as he sipped the bitter stuff. He either had THE JUG OF PUNCH. not noticed the sugar, or was " As I was sitting in my room, unaware of its effect on the tea. One pleasant evening in the month of He painfully affected his people

I heard a thrush singing in a bush, that evening with his sufferings And the tune he sung was the jug of while endeavouring to overcome Punch. Chorus, not worth repeating. the terrible drink got from Miss C, and all wondered how the What more divarshin might a man desire Than to be sated by a good turf fire ? quality could come to relish such A friend foment him up-on a bench, disagreeable stuff. And straight betune them a jug of punch. Calling to the castle again in The muses nine and Apollo famed about half a year, he met a

In crystal cups drinks Castalian sthrames ; similar reception from the same I would not grudge them ten times as much, young lady. Jemmy fearfully As long as I have a jug of punch. eyed the cup, and would have The 'morthial gods drinks their necthar put its contents behind the fire, wine, or thrown them out at window, And they tell me claret is very fine ; But I'd give them all just in a bunch but his hostess this time stayed For the king o' licker, the jug of punch. in the room. He put the vessel

The docthor failed with all his art, to his mouth as a child would a To cure th' impression on my heart, cup of physic, but this time Miss But in my cheeks there arose a blush, C. had supplied the sugar, and When I laid my hand on the j ug of punch. Jemmy was agreeably surprised Now when I'm dead an' in my grave, by the pleasant taste of the bever- No costly tomb-stone will I haive, But lay me down to my last sleep age. After draining every drop With a jug o' punch at my head and with the highest relish, he laid feet." the cup down, and addressed DIFFERENT QUALITIES 01 his kind entertainer. " Many TEA. thanks, Ma'am, for that nice drink, what do you call it?" A Wexford farmer, who had "That is green tea, Jemmy." drunk more than one jug o' "Ah then, Ma'am, Gramachree punch in his time, but knew not (love of my heart) was green tay, the taste of tea, once calling at but to Halifax with ' Sweeten it his landlord's BIG HOUSE, was to your liking.' kindly received by one of the young ladies, who thought she could not offer him a more ac- SIMPLE AND COMPOUND ceptable treat than a cup of tea. BODIES. She filled a large china cup, laid the sugar-bowl beside it, and said, The farmer's visit No. 3.— 'There, Jemmy, sweeten it to This time Miss C, encouraged MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 161 by Jemmy's gratification on the his part, brought all the notes of last visit, prepared the third cup, his, that happened to be in their but happened to present it from possession, and made a bonfire her own delicate hand. She of of them. It certainly proved a course had hold of the saucer, bonfire for him. and her client, through natural politeness and some shyness, seized the handle of the cup as A BULL ON A LADDER the farthest from her pearly TOP. coloured fingers. Her attention The late Mr. Lover's Irish was secured by some other thing hodman enjoyed the same at the moment, so she let go the amount of wisdom as one of the saucer, and the next moment it note-burners. Two bricklayers' was in brishc on the floor. " Oh, assistants, one an English, the said she, starting, Jemmy," other an Irish man, comparing " what an accident ! which of us their respective degrees of is in fault?" " Me to be sure, strength and agility, agreed to ma'am ; but I vow to goodness, I find out who was the better man thought ihescau/d/ieenwas stuck by each attempting to carry the to the ftlatther." other to the roof of the building at which they were occupied. So Paddy taking John in his THE BULL AND THE hod, bore him up the ladder in BANK-NOTES. safety to the parapet. Both then descending, Paddy was in his SOME bulls considered indi- turn carried in safety to the same genous to Ireland, came to light spot. " Now ain't I as good a in Grecian lands long before the man as you at the hod, Paddy?" battle of Marathon. The follow- "You are indeed John, but I ing practical and historical bull was in great hopes when we were has had many vouchers, yet the up to the second-floor window time required between the first that you'd get a tumble : you idea and the execution ought to made a false step just there." have been sufficient to indicate to the bull-makers the absurdity of what they were about doing, and AN EQUIVOCAL INVITA- the loss it would inflict on them- TION selves, not their ill-wisher. Alderman John Beresford, al- Sir Richard Steele, being ready mentioned as being so Irish by birth, could not avoid much disliked by the populace executing an odd bull. Being of Dublin for his cruelties in anxious to display hospitable

1 798, was a banker as well as an feelings towards a gentleman of ultra-loyalist. It is said, but on his acquaintance, he thus ex- what authority we know not, that pressed his wish. " Now, sir, I the people being once roused hope that if ever you come with- by some extra piece of cruelty on in a mile of my house you will M 1 62 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. stop there for the night." A DISCRETION IN TAKING special pleader, however, might MEDICINE. prove to the satisfaction of an ordinary jury that there was no Dr. Simms used to tell with blunder in the invitation. He great unction a clever saying of might with ease show, that the a patient, one of his own coun- adverb there had as good a right trymen. " What is that medi- to refer to the word house as to cine you are giving me, Doc- the word mile. tor?"— " An emetic."— " I won't

take it ; sarra use in it. The doctors in Dublin gave me two THE MOON'S SUPERIORITY of them, and neither ov 'em TO THE SUN. stayed two minutes on my stomach." THE theory set out in our title was defended in an eigh- teenth century song, which was A CHANGE WITHOUT IM- metrically adapted to the fine PROVEMENT. . old air of Langolee. In a solidly written work on " life to the moon for a brave noble Long Irish ecclesiastical matters, the creature, Which serves us for lamp-light each writer, unconscious of the offence night in the dark, his assertion might give, wrote The sun appears only by day, which by — nature, "An eminent personage at Has light of its own as you all may re- this time abandoned the errors mark. of the Church of Rome, and Attend to my ditty, for I will be bound, sir, adopted those of the Church of That it would save the nation a great England." many pounds, sir, To subscribe for good moonlight the live

long year round, sir : 'Tis as true as I'm now singing Lan- DIRECT AND INVERSE golee." * PROPORTION. BE KIND TO YOUR BEAST. When lotteries were State institutions, Darby bought the Thigue, riding one day to sixteenth of a ticket for one the market with a sack of pota- guinea and a half. The same toes across the horse's back, ticket being drawn a prize of began to fancy that the poor ^20, Darby's share of which beast was getting very tired. was ,£1 5-y., the lucky speculator

: — Being a kind master, he brought thus consoled himself " Well, the horse to a stand-still, and well, as it was a twenty pound contriving to get the loaded bag prize, I have only lost nine and on his own shoulders, trudged three halfpence, but if it hap- on heartily, incumbered with his pened to turn up a thousand load, but consoled by the idea pound one, I'd be broke horse of the great relief he was giving and foot. (The Irish guinea his horse, was £1 is. qd.) —

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 163

TAKING A PATTHERN. something or another, when the maid bounced in on me with An execution took place on her face the colour of a sheet, the side of the White Mountain and bid me run up-stairs that minute if I in Wexford some fifty-five years ever expected to see since. Solomon Doran having her mistress alive. You may been found guilty of the murder guess where my head was then. of Mr. Frizell, of Ballindonny, But I was up-stairs, and in the suffered within a few perches of bedroom while a cat would be the scene of the crime. On the licking her ear, and there, sure enough, she was morning of the fatal day, Jem stretched dead Quigly, of Castleboro', met with upon the bed. " Pat Behan, a youth of about The maid and myself did fourteen years of age, hurrying all we could to bring her to, but westwards along the road from she would not stir if we died for his native village, Courtnacuddy. it. I pulled her, and shook her, and hallooed in ear, " Where to, Pat ? "—" To see her and I as the execution, to be sure." might well be talking to a post. " And what's taking you to look Then it luckily came into head, ' at that dismal sight."—" My my Wouldn't it be as ? well ' father sent me to take a to send for a doctor So I ran patthern." down-stairs again, hunted out a sheet of paper, and wrote off for Dr. Weldon, begging of EQUAL TO THE OCCASION. him not to wait for man or horse, but to come anyway, as I Next to the memory of Sir did not think if he made ever so Boyle Roche we set that of Mr. much haste he would overtake Bright, one of the characters in her. " The Orphans of Dunasker," " I called up the coachman, by Rev. Mr. Brittan, of Long- and gave him the letter, bidding ford, who, if he could have ima- him take my own mare, and gined the existence of worthy, ride like a steeplechase, and I rational people among his Ro- scolded him to give him confi- man Catholic neighbours, and dence, and I scolded the whole had written more, might be now house to make them smart ; esteemed a national benefactor. they were all in such confusion. The little adventure that befell Just as I pushed him out to Mr. Bright we could tell in saddle the mare, I heard the fewer words, but we love good maid shouting to me to come to Mr. Bright too well to take, as the mistress, who wanted to he himself would say, the words speak to me. I was up-stairs out of his mouth. in less than no time, and there " Mrs. Bright went up to bed I found her sitting up as well as at her usual hour, half-past ten, ever she was in her life. as well as any of us standing " She told me that she knocked here. I was looking about for her elbow against the corner of M 2 —

IRISH ANECDOTES. 1 64 MODERN at a later day, and the chimneypiece, and the pain discovered parents. made her faint before she could he was restored to his could confusion of ideas tell the maid what was the mat- How imputed to the mature man ter with her. She laughed, poor be said he was changed at woman, at my fright, and when when he she heard the doctor was sent nurse? for, insisted he should not come. who is Luckily, the coachman, " WHY CANT YOU COUNT7" was not gone. So always slow, "BECAUSE I CANT from him, opened I got the letter READ." it, and added these few words :

— ' Doctor, it would P.S. Dear If asked why so silly a bull as to disturb you out of be a pity the following is given admission this hour of the your warm bed into our collection we are not come. It is all night ; so don't prepared with an answer. Its Mrs. Bright sends her over. silliness we admit, but it can Mrs. Weldon, compliments to scarcely be read without laugh- only fainted with her elbow.' and ter. We have it in the German it again, told John I then sealed collection of Storme, as well as it with his own hand, to deliver in an Irish one. it ended very well for us and so A seriously-inclined but illi- all." terate girl had been so constant said Mr. "Well, Mr. Bright," and attentive at church, that she " nothing Merryweather, you left had the entire service by heart. undone in a case requiring She always had her prayer-book — Exactly prompt measures." " before her, and much edified the " Every- so," said Mr. Bright. young man to whom she was thing was thrown on my shoul- betrothed by the close attention I did take prompt ders, and which she bestowed on it. One measures." day, happening to have forgot his own manual, he asked her ADMIRA TION THROWN permission to look into hers. She A WA Y. readily granted it, but what was his surprise to see the book held " I HATE that woman," said a the wrong way in her hand. gentleman, " for she changed " My dear," said he, " your book me at nurse ;" and Horace is upside down."—" I know it is, Walpole is said to have admired but that's the way I always read : the happy confusion in the gen- I am left-handed." tleman's mind, and pronounced the whole idea a bull of the rarest character. Yet the whole "IT WASN'T THE DRINK: thing admits of the easiest ex- 'TWAS THE SALMON." planation. The woman substi- tuted another child in place of The following occurrence took the speaker while in his infancy. place in the writer's neighbour- The knavery of the woman was hood only a few weeks since: ; "

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 165

" A servant girl in one of the in grave and gay discourse with large establishments solaced her the King of France, his Majesty leisure hours with the perusal waggishly asked him, " What is of ' The Family Herald,' and the the difference between a Scot imbibing of creaming pots of and a sot?"—"The table only,"* porter. Frequently she could replied the ready scholar. not tear herself away from her two favourite sources of comfort "WEERE WAS THE PENNY when her presence was needed " in parlour or drawing-room TO PA Y THE POST? and things bad to went from " The Irishman in London till place. worse she lost her was holding forth to some pot- Her case was being very freely house companions on the ame- handled at the neighbouring nities of his native country. dairy, the little maid of which "It is the cheapest country in had in the habit of buying been the world to live in," said he. for her her weekly ' Herald' and " You will buy a fine salmon for daily porter, and the chief blame sixpence, and a dozen mackerel for her dismissal laid the was on for twopence."—"And, Paddy, liquor. 'Not a bit,' said the why did you leave that blessed young lamb just mentioned. and cheap country ? "—" I left ' The porter never got her it because I didn't happen to turned away ; it was all the " have either the twopence or the fault of them Family Herrins? sixpence about me."

GOOD ADVICE. IMPERFECT A COOK OF , A YOUNG Irishman in the em- EDUCATION. ployment of a veterinary sur- A COUNTRY clergyman hav- geon was considerably chaffed ing hired a housekeeper, handed on one occasion by some young her a paper of tea the first even- friends with whom he was pass- ing of her service, with direc- ing the evening. At last one tions to prepare it as soon as witty fellow asked him what he was convenient. She was rather would do if a horse with broken long about the business, but at wind was brought to him to be last made her appearance with cured. " Faith," said he, after two plates, one bearing a dark- a short pause, " I'd advise his ish mass of damp leaves, the owner to get rid of him as soon other a print (pat) of butter. as he could." " Musha, your reverence, but this new kind of cabbage is A VENERABLE JOKE. mighty hard to boil tender. Put butter to your own taste in The great church scholar, * :— John Duns Scotus, or Erigena The original of question and answer "Quid interest inter Scotum et sotum ?" (Irishman), being once occupied "Mensa tantum." —— —

1 66 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

" The sun's perpendicular height it : I didn't know how you'd — Illumines the depths of the sea, like it." " Well, indeed, I am And the fishes beginning to sweat, ' afraid I won't like it with or Cry, ' Hang it, how hot we shall be ! without butter. If you relish it yourself, you're welcome to it." This egregious verse recalls another, whose paternity we should be glad to assign to a A DISMAL JOKE. native :

A POOR houseless Irishman " I sits -with my foot in a brook, And if any one asks me for why, spent one long night in Edin- I hits him a lick with my crook, burgh walking about the streets, And says ' Sentiment kills me' says I." or sitting on the cold hard steps. Morning being come, on the front of a building, EQUIVOCAL PRAISE. he read " Lying-in Hospital." travelling in " There is charity among the An Englishman, fell into Scotch, after all," said the poor Ireland, conversation fellow. " This must be for the with a native, and took occasion reception of lying-out patients, to complain of the state of the particular road they were on, like me. I wish I had come by at nightfall." and of the roads of Ireland generally. " Well," said Paddy, " we know they are not the best

COLLABORA TION in the world ; so to make up for their condition we give good An unfinished poet, a native measure, anyhow. Eleven of of Cork's own town," once our miles are as long as four- commenced a heroic poem, but, teen of yours." alas ! could get no farther than the first two lines : AN UNCANONICAL DIS- " The sun's perpendicular height Illumines the depths of the sea." PENSA TION.

After putting his brain to no When Major- General O'Hara small torture, he laid his head was governor of St. Lucia, a down on his crossed arms, and young fellow applied to him for fell asleep. During his nap, leave to marry his aunt, a Ma- Richard Milliken, or Dr. Ma- dame le Batt. He had " ob- ginn, or some other poet of his noxiously made his approaches" acquaintance, came in, and see- to different priests on the island, ing the state of things, including but their sine qua non was, that the unfinished verse, completed he should first obtain a dispen- it, and noiselessly quitted the sation from the Pope. Now, room. On awaking, his sur- as the Holy Father was very prise equalled his disappoint- far away, and the necessary pro- ment on reading the result of ceedings would be expensive, the united labours : he had taken the resolution to " —

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 167 apply to his Excellency, of enclosure. No sacred name, no whose power he entertained pious motive, was left out in the " lofty ideas. Your taste is odd," attack ; but the gouty man pos- said the Major, " but that's no sessed moral courage, and the concern of mine. I shall not assailant at last desisted, with baulk you." Taking a sheet of the disparaging observation, " paper, he wrote down the fol- Ah ! I wouldn't be after losing lowing dispensation, and handed a quarter of an hour of my it the gratified man : valuable time if your Honour's heart was as tender as your " The bearer of this has my toes." permission to marry his aunt, or even his grandmother, if he chooses. NATIONAI TRAITS. "Charles O'Hara, " Governor and Pope of Three individuals, represent- " St. Lucia." atives of the lands of the Rose, Thistle, and Shamrock, passing down a fashionable street (the SPEAKING IN CIPHER. reader is at liberty to select the A trial was held in the Four locality), took notice of a very Courts, before three judges, one handsome young woman attend- of whom was a man of un- ing to her business just inside a " doubted ability, the other two shop window. I say," said girl. in little estimation. As the John, "there's a very pretty counsellor on the losing side Let us go in and ask if Mr. was conversing with a friend Thomson lives there,— and have some time after, he complained a chat with her." " Oh ! by my Patrick, "we must of his " ill luck." " You could word," said not expect to succeed," said his make a purchase from the dar- " friend, " with a hundred on the ling creature." — Hoot awa', bench against you."—"A hun- mon ! " expostulated Alexander, " dinna throw awa' the siller. dred ! there were only three." in ask for " I say there were a hundred. Let us just gang and hauf a What other number is repre- twa and saxpence for sented by a figure of ONE and croon." two ciphers ? The moral of this tale is con- trary to our own experience. In general, we have found John HEART AND TOES. less careful of his loose cash than Pat. A gouty and irritable old gentleman, making way with difficulty along the north side of AN UNSUCCESSFUL PUN. Merrion Square, was taken pos- session of by a sturdy beggar, Two students from the king- who vigorously plied him for dom of Kerry were undergoing nearly half the length of the an examination in Old Trinity, MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

in the course of which the pro- fessor asked one of them what THE SORROWS OF GEN- was the Minotaur. The ques- TILITY. tioned man had not been intro- A Connemara farmer, once duced to that terrible fellow, paying a visit to Dublin, took it but his better-informed fellow- into his head that he would student whispered him, " A create a sensation among his " monster, man ! Catching the neighbours on his return by words, but slightly missing the describing how he enjoyed a pronunciation, he stoutly an- jaunt in a sedan chair from swered, " A Munster man," and Leinster House to the Castle. thereby lost much ground in So hinting his wishes to a couple the estimation of his examiner. of chairmen, they installed him in a seatless vehicle waiting to be repaired. They started, and the worthy was obliged to ply A THIEF VICTIMIZED BY his limbs, and endure the splash- AN HONEST MAN ing of every muddy spot on the route. When liberated, his ill- Barrington, already intro- natured supporters asked, with a duced to the reader, was one grin, how his honour liked his evening on the look-out in the jaunt. "Oh, I dare say," said pit of Crow Street Theatre for the much-splashed victim, "it unguarded trifles. A gentleman was the genteel thing ; but it near whom he happened to looked to me like walking, and stand, looking earnestly at him, very dirty walking, too." thought he recognised the no- torious pickpocket. Feeling at once for his watch, and missing STRANGE TASTE IN AN it, he seized his man in a mo- ARCHBISHOP. ment, and ordered him to restore his property. " Make no dis- Our next anecdote is only turbance," said the conveyancer, Irish from the fact of its being " in a low voice ; here it is." related by Lady Morgan. Her The plundered, being an easy- little elysium in Kildare Street going man, let the rogue off is now occupied by a Mr. Thorp, without hesitation, he was so who, perchance, has never read pleased at the recovery of his " O'Donnell " or " Florence Mac- property. Guess his surprise Carthy." The anecdote is here and disgust on his return home presented in a literal translation when his eye lighted on the from the German of Herr Storme, supposed-to-be-stolen article ly- from whom we borrowed the ing on the table. Barrington, anecdote of Lady Hamilton and in order to escape observation, the Steersman. had handed him one out of five "When the Knight (Ritter) or six concealed about his Charles and Lady Morgan had person. the honour of dining in the " " :

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 169

palace of the Archbishop of AN EQUALL Y INTELLI- Toronto for the first time, he

' GENT TELESCOPE. thus addressed them : You must excuse partiality for my A scientific bore was de- cats. I do not exclude them scanting to a Wexford baronet, the dining-room, and you from a distant cousin of the great agreeable will find them to be Baron Munchausen, on the per- company.' Between the first fection to which telescopes were and second courses the door brought at the time. He went opened and several beautiful on refining and enlarging till large cats walked in. Angora his auditor was intensely tired. They were presented under the "Ah, my dear fellow," said he, names Pantaloon, Desdemona, at last, "the instruments you Othello, &c, took their places talk of are not fit to hold a on chairs by the table, and con- candle to one I have at home. ducted themselves with a quiet- It not only brings the belfry of which could ness and decency Enniscorthy Church outside my not surpassed at any table in be window, but enables me to dis- the highest society in London. tinguish the hymn that is singing happening to The Archbishop at the time." ask one of the chaplains to help Signora Desdemona, the ser- vant drew near him and said SOME OF MORRIS QUILVS ' My lord, the Signora Des- HUMOURS. demona will wait till the roast meat is served.' "Ah," exclaimed the above- named humorist, during a very warm engagement in the Penin- AN INTELLIGENT ECHO. sula, " I wish my worst enemy was kicking me down Sackville This and the following piece Street." of extravagance do not belong Morris's cowardice was as un- to the class of blunders. They real as his simplicity when asked are merely wilful exaggerations why he bought his commission indulged in by sayers of good in the 31st. "Ah, sure, it was things. to be near my brother, who is in A certain person was praising the 32nd." Great delight was his the sharpness and truth of when he could mystify snobs or an echo in some locality. self-important personages. Be- "Ah," said one of his hearers, fore these he would affect igno- "it is infinitely inferior to one rance or vulgarity, according to on the lands of Paddy Blake, of circumstances, to entertain his Galway. If you only raise your company. voice before it, and cry, ' How Some prim and straitlaced are you, Paddy Blake?' it will guests being once at the mess- answer, 'Very well, I thank table, Morris, assuming the you, sir.' accent and pronunciation of a — — i7o MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

Munster peasant, thus addressed very good corps. I wonder you " the colonel : Colonel, I resaved did not remain in it. What a letther to-day from my mother in made you leave it, sir?"—"Why, Kerry. Just read the direction faith {simulating confusion), I on it. I'm sure it's plain enough, don't like exactly, major, to and still it's two months comin'. mention the reason." — " God The colonel, knowing his man, bless me! what was it? "—"Ma- read out jor, I know you are a gentle- " To Misther Docthor Morris man, every bit of you. So if Quill, Esquire, along with Lord you give me your honour that Wellington's fighting army in you will not mention it to any- France, or Spain, or Portingale, body, I'll tell you the whole or maybe elsewhere, and the affair."—" I pledge you my ho- Western Injies. From his lov- nour, I will not mention it." ing mother." "Ton your honour," said Morris The stiff-backed visitors looked emphatically.— "'Pon my ho- at Morris with great contempt nour," echoed the Major. " Well, after this specimen of the state shut the door, Major. You see of education in his family. They when I was in the 31st, I owed were sadly disconcerted when a little money here and there, made aware of the Doctor's ha- and was bothered with duns. So bits of masquerading of an I just—one day that I was short afternoon. of a little money" "Well, sir ! " interrupted the major. " a DR. QUILDS DANGEROUS Well, I just—put— —few of SECRET. the mess-table spoons and silver forks into my pocket, that's all." Dr. Quill's real cause of —" Indeed ! " — " Yes, indeed, exchanging from the 31st was a and a fellow in livery saw me desire of seeing active service. do it, and stopped me before the He brought with him several officers. The Colonel was a warm letters to the colonel and civil fellow, and let me off with- the superior officers of the new out a court-martial." —"In- regiment, but did not present deed! ho—hum. Good morn- them, for fear, as he alleged, ing, sir." that they might think he was on Notwithstanding the pledging the look-out for an invitation to of the Major's honour, the dinner. Colonel and the officers were Some days after joining, a soon in possession of all he

supercilious major meeting him could tell them ; a meeting was in the mess-room, the following held, resolutions come to, and series of questions and answers the orderly sergeant sent to

ensued : request Mr. Quill's presence at " Pray, sir, were you not a the assembly. Being informed considerable time in the 31st?" by the Colonel that his delin- —" Oh yes, I was, faith."—" It quencies in the 31st were known, is a very good corps indeed, a he cast an arch look on the — —

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 171

Major, and exclaimed, "Ah, " Where did you buy these Major, Major, so you have told things, Denis ?"—" Oh, please on me though you pledged your your honour up there above honour." The major winced over the hill—down there at a a little.—" Now, Colonel, that farm house."—" You're sure you gentleman asked me a question bought them, Denis?"— "Oh in a joke, a rather free one, and yes, I ped for 'em, sir, that is, I I made him an answer of the offered the money to the farmer, same kind. He asked me why but he said, ' Never mind, I quitted the 31st, an odd ques- Denis: it will do another time.'" tion, and he got as odd an —" Very well, very well, Denis. answer. I think it is about time As you paid for the provisions it to deliver my introductory let- is all well, but take care that the ters. Here is one for you, provost marshal doesn't give you Colonel ; here's one for you, —your change one of these days." Captain Smith ; one for you, " Ach, we're here, starvin'

; for Captain Jones one you, and fightin' for the Portuguese ; Lieutenant Edwards, &c, &c, so the laste they may do, is to &c. Never did the mess-room give us our dinner at any rate." echo heartier laughs than those now occasioned by Morris's craft, and the Major's gullibility. DEATH BEFORE NEGLECT The latter laughed from the OF DUTY. teeth out, but the effort made him sick. Morris's good nature, The Brigadier-general while good humour, and drollery, soon proceeding during a hot engage- established him a general fa- ment to a point in the field vourite. where his presence was needful, saw the Doctor running in the shelter of a hedge, not to the MICKEY FREE, A FOOL TO scene of fire and smoke, but in DR. QUILL'S ORDERLY. the contrary direction. " Where are you going, sir ? " shouted the Never was such a treasure General. " I protest," was the possessed by any officer in a answer which came to his ears, " strange country, and no money I'll stay there no longer ; it's to be had, than Dr. Quill pos- too hot." The irate commander sessed in Denis. There was supposing the run-away to be a not a sixpence in the regi- recreant man of the sword, sent mental chest, as one might say, his aide-de-camp after him to yet Dr. Quill would invite friends march him back prisoner, but to dine with him without know- Morris got to the hedge where ing how a single eatable was to his instruments were lying be- be got. fore the pursuer, and was seen The guest having arrived and returning with them as fast as the fowl, pork, or young pig laid his legs could bring him. The before them, Quill would ask, aide-de-camp, recognising the 172 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

merry surgeon, burst out a is private ?"—" He's where laughing, and so did the Gene- your Honour ordered him to be ral, and so did Morris himself. —in the river." " I intended you Having seen a brother-officer to see the man washed, and grievously hurt in the fight, and brought back^clean."—" Faith, not having the instruments suit- your honour, the words as I able for his case about him, he caught them were, ' Lave that had been hastening for them man in the river.' I took him when spied by the brigadier. to the river and left him in it, and there I hope he is still safe *** These anecdotes of the gallant Mini- ster man are to be found in " The Military and sound." Sketch Book" (Colburn, 1838), a most ng and interesting work. A VALID EXCUSE. IMPORTANCE OF CORRECT Lieutenant O'Brien, com- PRONUNCIA TION. monly called Skyrocket Jack, while sitting on a gun-carriage Along with Morris Quill and in the ship Edgar at Spit- his brave brothers, of Scottish, head, happened to be blown up English, and Welsh land, figured a reasonable height, but falling in the peninsula a colonel, brave into the water, he was picked up as a lion, but as precise as a black and damp, and in that Martinet, and more select in his plight presented to the admiral. choice of words than Percie " I hope, sir," said he, " you Shafton himself. Sometimes will excuse my dirty appearance. the non-commissioned officers I came off ship-board in so did not understand him, and great a hurry that I have not ridiculous consequences ensued. had time to shift myself." Once, when making an inspec- tion of his men, he was much UNPOPULAR WITH irritated by the dirty state of one FRIENDS AND FOES. private whom he had more than once before reproved for his A Lieutenant-colonel in neglect of cleanliness. —" Here, the Irish Brigade was des- Corporal Fogarty," said he, patched by the Duke of Ber- " take that eye-and-nose offend- wick (natural son of James II.) ing man, and lave him in the to Louis XIV. with an account river." If discipline would have of some irregularities among his allowed, the Corporal would have troops at Fort Kiel. His Ma- scratched his head in perplexity, jesty, considerably annoyed, ex- but the order was peremptory, claimed, in a pettish tone, and he marched off his man. " These Irishmen give me more Before the operation intended trouble than all the rest of my by the Colonel could well be soldiers."—"Your Majesty's ene- performed, Corporal Fogarty mies to a man make the very presented himself. " Well, have same complaint," rejoined the you done as I directed ? Where Hibernian officer. — " —

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 173

ANOMAL Y IN PHYSICS. i Street, Dublin, and author of AN " I The Country Wake," published Joseph Miller, Esq., in the in 1696. To his great merits as

grave and dismal work which i an actor, Congreve's plays owed posterity, thus of their popularity. That he bequeathed to 1 much

related an extraordinary feat ! dramatist wrote out the parts of that soldier by Fondlewife and Ben expressly performed by j

: instinct, the mere Irishman I for him. In low comedy and

" The colonel of an English ' singing humorous songs he was regiment, going out of his tent 1 scarcely to be excelled. To

one evening, saw approaching j commemorate the Hanoverian

one of his Irish soldiers con- 1 succession he instituted the row- ducting three prisoners of war. ing match for a coat and silver

I The captor gave the military badge on the first of August, salute, and pointed to his prize. the candidates being six young- 1 Ah, how have you managed to men one year out of their ap- secure the three? Were you prenticeship. The Garrick Club ' — single-handed ? ' To be sure possess an original portrait of I was, your honour, but I man- Dogget, never engraved. The aged 'to surround them.' following lines were written with a diamond on a glass pane in Lambeth on the 1st of August, CATCHING A TARTAR. 1736 :— NOT so fortunate was Paddy " Tom Dogget, the greatest sly drole in Mullowney, between whom and his parts, a comrade the following dialogue In acting, for certain, was master of arts, monument left, no herald is fuller, was maintained across a barrier A His praise is sung yearly by many a of brushwood, and during a re- sculler. Ten thousand years hence, if the world treat : — lasts so long, "Come on, Paddy." "I Tom Dogget will still be the theme of can't." — " Why ? " — " I have their song, When Old Nol with great Louis the taken a firesner?—" Bring him Bourbon's forgot, " along with you." — He won't And when numberless kings in oblivion come." — " Then come away shall rot." without him."—" He won't let TOM MOORE'S EARLY TOM DOGGET AND HIS ACTING. BADGE. OUR national poet was a pupil THOSE patrons of ours who of the worthy Mr. White, whose have read " The Waterman," or academy was situated at the seen it performed, cannot forget rear of the house in Grafton the rowing match on the Thames Street, now numbered 79. White for the badge. Provision was rather fostered dramatic propen- made for this institution by sities in his pupils, and an in- Thomas Dogget, born in Castle stinctive love of acting exhibited —

174 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. itself in our subject from a very tion of themselves and their early age. friends. " A very pretty person " How great was my pride, (he says), named Fanny Ryan, delight, and awe !" he says in played the part of Norah, and I his journal, "when summoned was the happy Patrick—dressed, to cross the yard to the master's I recollect, in a volunteer uni- house to be introduced to Miss form of a boy much larger than Campion (a popular actress), myself, and which, accordingly, and to have the high honour of hung about me in no very sol- reciting to her Alexander's dierly fashion. Feast." " I wrote a farewell epilogue Great was the little fellow's for the occasion, which I de- gratification on receiving a gra- livered myself in a suit of cious bow of recognition from the mourning, as little adapted to young lady in the streets a few my size as the regimentals. In days later. describing the transition we " I question," he says, " if a were about to undergo from salute from Corinne when on actors to mere school-boys, my her way to be crowned in the epilogue had the .following capitol, would have affected me lines : in after-years half so much." " Our pantaloon, that did so aged look, The handsome and vivacious Must now resume his youth, his task, his

hook ; child was sure to be singled out Our harlequin, who skipp'd, leap'd, by his schoolmaster when in- danced, and died, fantine display was found de- Must now stand trembling by his tutor's side." sirable at one of the public ex- hibitions, " to the no small MOORE AT THE KIL- jealousy of all other mammas, KENNY THEATRICALS. and the great glory of my own. As I looked particularly infantine The amateur theatricals which for my age, the wonder was still have associated such pleasant

more wonderful. • Oh, he is an souvenirs with the old City of old little crab,' said one of the Kilkenny, endured from 1802 to rival Come/ias on one occasion 1820, many of the performers of this kind. ' He can't be less being furnished from the Irish than eleven or twelve years of Bar. Moore filled such roles as — " age.' ' Then, madam,' said a as Sam in Raising the Wind," gentleman sitting next her, one Rodin Roughhead, Mungo, Sadi who was slightly acquainted in ' The Mountaineers," Spado with our family, ' if that is the and Peeping Tom. Some of case, he must have been four Spado's allusions to his short years old before he was born.'" stature and other peculiarities During a vacation the little were received by the audience man and some of his juvenile as entirely applicable to the friends got up the little comedy low-sized actor himself, espe- " of The Poor Soldier," and cially those contained— in the played it to the entire satisfac- following lines : MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 175

" Though born to be little's my fate, Yet so was the great Alexander, And when I walk under a gate MACKLIN, CHRISTENED I've no need to stoop like a gander. CHARLES MACLAUGHLIN.

I'm no lanky, long hoddy-doddy, This celebrated actor and Whose paper kite sails in the sky ; Though wanting three feet in my body, author came to the world during In soul I am thirty feet high." the retreat from the Boyne. His mother would accompany her It is much to the credit of the husband to the Jacobite camp, poet's memory that when John and in the disastrous retreat she Banim, then an enthusiastic boy, was obliged perforce to seek a waited on him with a specimen temporary refuge, and submit to of his poetry, he gave him the woman's destiny. Her second kindest reception, obtained for husband was a Williamite him a season ticket, and took an trooper, William O'Malley by unfeigned interest in his well- name, and not an unkind step- doing. father. Young Charles was such a scape-grace as to be distin- guished by the name of " Wicked Charley." He tried different oc- IRISH BULLS CONDUCTING cupations in early life, a college ENGLISH ONES INTO scout {skip in Dublin slang) WRONG PASTURES. being among the number, but finally fixed on the stage, to The considerate actor who which he had always a hanker- was appointed to present Lion ing from his first appearance as in the interlude in the " Mid- Monimia when a schoolboy. summer Night's Dream," was Observing in his strolling life considerate enough to allay the that his Irish accent was a draw- fears of his audience beforehand back to his success, he took les- by proclaiming that he was in sons from a Welsh clergyman, reality mere Mr. Snug the joiner, and the result was a hybrid at their service, and no ravenous enunciation not familiar to the wild beast. Had Mr. Edg- inhabitants of any part of the worth, when issuing his " Essay empire. He himself, later in on Irish Bulls," been as discreet, life, gave lessons in accent to a he would have spared the York- Scotch student, who wished to shire or Lancashire Agricultural obtain the pure and undefiled Society the trouble of ordering accent of England. several copies of the work, the expense incurred in discharging the bill, and the mortification of MACLAUCHLIN ENDS IN finding the bulls mere creatures MACKLIN. of the brain, instead of the ro- bust animals pastured on the OUR hero, having got rid of rich meadows of Meath or his Irish accent, fancied he would Limerick. advantageously discard his Irish MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. surname. Indeed, convenience had as much to do in the change " THIS IS THE JEW THAT as conceit. His English acquaint- SHAKESPEARE DREW." ance could not get nearer the gut- tural sound than Maclottin. With Macklin was the Peacham of his Irish friends the change did " The Beggars' Opera," Scrub in him bad service. Phil Flanagan " The Beaux Stratagem," Mar- calling to his lodging, inquired plot in " The Busy Body," and of the mistress, " Is young obtained great applause in these Charley MacLaughlin at home?" and other such impersonations. " Charley who, sir ? " " Charles To suit the bad taste of the audi- MacLaughlin, from Dublin." ences of a century and a half ago, " Maclottin, Maclottin ! I really Lord Lansdowne set about im- don't know any such person." proving " The Merchant of Ve- Phil taking a letter from his nice." He called his adaptation pocket held it out to the woman, " The Jew of Venice," and con- exclaiming, " Arrah, don't be verted the tragic Shylock into a joking, missis. Do you think I low-comedy character. Macklin's don't know my cousin's writing, judgment decided that the play, and doesn't he say here he as it came from Shakespeare's lives three doors from Temple brain, would prove a success. Bar, and isn't this house three He put it in rehearsal, merely doors from them big gates?" read ShylocKs part without in- She denied all intention of giving fusing any passion into it, and offence. " There was no Mr. had the actors and actresses in Maclottin in her house. The dire distress, and expectation of only gentleman occupying her an entire failure. Things were apartments was a Mr. Mack- not improved when he appeared lin, from Ireland, as she be- in the green room, not in the lieved." ludicrous costume of Lord Lans- When Macklin returned from downe's Hebrew, but such as we the rehearsal, his landlady men- ourselves have seen on Edmund tioned the inquiry made in his Kean. Amid the awful stillness absence for a Mr. Maclottin. of a crowded house the play " Why, bless my soul !" said he, commenced, the actors and ac- " I am the person inquired for." tresses not daring to call their " You ! " said she in a scream. souls their own, but from the "Well Mr. Maclottin, Maclug- first scene in which Shylock had ton, or Macklin, the sooner you anythingto do, to the conclusion, leave my house the better. I'll the applause went on increasing, have no people with two names and Macklin's triumph was com- stopping here." It required plete. Nineteen nights in suc- some trouble on the part of the cession the play was repeated to manager of the theatre to as- crowded houses. sure her of Macklin's respecta- " On the third night of repre- bility. sentation all eyes were directed to the stage box, where sat a de- —

MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 177 formed little man, and while tight and slack rope. This others watched his gestures as if species of attraction losing its to learn his opinion of the per- charm after a while, she con- formers, he was gazing intently structed a stage, got scenery on Shylock, and as the actor painted, and had plays and farces panted in broken accents of rage, performed. Her artists were not and sorrow, and avarice, ' Go, the first in their line, and the

Tubal : fee me an officer, be- speculation failed. But the speak him a fortnight before. I French dancer on the cord was will have the heart of him if he not to be discouraged. She se-

forfeit ; for were he out of Ven- cured actors and actresses, none ice, I can make what merchan- beyond ten years of age, in- dise I will. Go, Tubal, and meet structed them carefully, and me at our synagogue. Go, good brought out " The Beggar's Tubal; at our synagogue, Tu- Opera," then.the rage in London. bal,"—the little man was seen to Night after night, crowded rise, and leaning from the box houses testified their approba- as Macklin passed it, he whis- tion of the new order of things.

pered : Among the juvenile performers was enlisted the pretty, gentle, •' This is the Jew, little Peggy Woffington, whose That Shakespeare drew." previous business was minding Macklin was the original Sir her mother's fruit standing at Pertinax MacSycophant in his the corner of the same court. In own play of " The Man of the time the little basket girl was World." In our days, Mr. Phelps the best representative of the has made the character personal high bred lady, which the the- property. " Love a la Mode," atres of London could supply. in which he personated Sir She was not without her failings, Archy MacSarcasm is seldom but could not be surpassed in

repeated ; wherefore we know sweetness of disposition, and not. Charles MacLaughlin ex- kindness of heart. The alms- pired on the nth of July, 1797, houses founded by her at Ted- " at the ripe age of 104. dington still survive. A writer of the last century tells us that he remembered seeing Mrs. MRS. MARGARET WOFF- Woffington's mother, whom she INGTOZPS DEBUT. comfortably supported, a re- spectable looking old lady in her In 1727 Mme.Violante opened short black velvet cloak, with a large house of entertainment deep rich fringe, a diamond ring, in Fownes's Court, near Anglesea and small agate snuff-box. She Street, and afforded amusement had nothing to mind but going to the Dublin lieges by the per- the rounds ofthe Catholic chapels formances of acrobats and of per- and chatting with her neigh- formers of tours de force gener- bours." {Irish Quarterly Re- ally, she herself dancing on the view.) N — "

178 MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES.

The Italian singers having cing-master of his day," answer- taken London by assault, Dublin ing the question in the letter but (always its servile imitator) fol- not the spirit, directed him to lowed suite. While Margaret the residence of Sir Ralph Woffington was still in her Fetherstone. Oliver, entering teens, a Dublin poet thus sati- the parlour with the jaunty air rized the acquired taste, in of youth, found the master of many instances one of affecta- the mansion sitting at a good tion : fire, said he wished to pass the night at his house, ordered " There's scarce a Forth man or Fingallian, But sings or whistles in Italian. supper, and invited the land- Instead of £ood old Barley Mow, lord and his family to sup With t'amo tanto drives the plough ; with him. Sir Ralph, learning They o'er their cups can sing si caro, And dare profane it at the harrow. his family and highly esteeming his father, humoured the joke, The Barony Forth man is played the old-fashioned land- here unscrupulously slandered. lord, and much enjoyed the Till a much later date than young fellow's self-approbation that of the song, English was and thorough unworldliness. scarcely introduced into the ba- When retiring for the night, rony. Oliver requested a hot cake for his breakfast. The cake was consumed next morning by the THE FIRST PERFORMANCE youth and his hosts, but his OF "SHE STOOPS TO chagrin and confusion on de- CONQUER." manding his bill and discover- ing his mistake, can scarcely be Good-hearted and simple- conceived. In his play of "She minded Oliver Goldsmith get- Stoops to Conquer," he turned ting, at the age of sixteen or the mistake to good account. seventeen, a guinea in his pocket, and being on his way to Edgworthstown school, saun- "SNUFFED OUT BY AN tered on leisurely, admiring the ARTICLED gentlemen's seats and every other thing worth admiration as Keats was not the only one he went along. In this blest who came thus by his death. and heedless condition of mind, Such of our readers as take an he found himself in the town of interest in old theatrical books, Ardagh at nightfall, thought he have met with "The Eccentrici- had better stay there till morn- ties of John Edwin, Comedian." ing, and, meeting a respectable- The son of this humorist be- looking man, he inquired for longed to the Crow Street the best house in the town, Theatre, in the beginning of the meaning thereby the best inn. present century, when the late The inquired-at man, by name John Wilson Croker, then a Cornelius O'Kelly, the best fen- briefless barrister, published his MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. 179

very biting and familiar epistles approbation of the satirist. Tra- to Frederick Jones, the then dition says that his death was proprietor of that place of enter- caused by the few lines devoted tainment. Few now alive have to him. He died in 1805, and seen the performances of any an upright slab in St. Wer- half dozen of the artists cen- burgh's church preserved, at sured or praised in the " Fami- least till lately, his name and liar Epistles," but among that the date of his death. We have half dozen the brave old come- had the pleasure of witnessing dian Mr. Williams must be re- the acting of his widow, who membered. " The Comedy cf was unequalled in such parts as Errors/' in which he and York- Mrs. Malaftrop, The Duenna, shire Johnson (Jones was his Sec. These are the lines to real name, and he was a Cock- which such malign power has ney besides) represented the two been attributed. Dromios, was as delightful a " Heaven, that dooms to equal fate, treat presented to as could be The thespian and the human state, the public. Johnson had got up With Mrs. Edwin blessed her vows, Williams's face so well, and so But cursed us with her lubbard spouse. Yet let us spare him for a name ludicrously copied and exagge- High on the rolls of comic fame, rated his grimaces and gestures, And on degeneracy take Compassion for the parents' sake, bodily movements, that the and Such as he sometimes feels, who views latter looked only a pale copy Howards or Russells cleaning shoes." of himself, and the house in- dulged in a continued peal of merriment while either was on CROW STREET Y. PETER the stage. For the sake of those STREET. who remember the respectable old citizen, we copy Croker's The once famous Astley put allusion to him when he was in his horses through their paces his prime, with the hint that he in a circus in Peter Street, and did not receive a just apprecia- the patentee of the Theatre tion from the satirist. Royal, Crow Street, fancying that he was encroaching on his " Next Williams comes, the rude and rough, own privileges by having " The With face most whimsically gruff; Lock and Key" presented in Aping the careless sons of ocean, his amphitheatre, brought his He scorns each free and easy motion ; Tight to his sides his elbows pins, grievance before their Lordships And dabbles with his hands like fins. Would he display the greatest woe, in the Four Courts. Curran

He slaps his breast, and points his toe : being one of the counsel em- Is merriment to be expressed { ployed, contrived to deprive the He points his toe and slaps his breast. His turns are swings, his step a jump, cause of any decent degree of His feeling fits, his touch a thump, gravity by his exordium. And violent in all his parts, " lords, the whole ques- He speaks by gusts, and moves by starts." My tion turns upon this, whether Edwin was one of the unlucky the said " Lock and Key " is to artists who failed to secure the be considered a patent one, or N 2 i8o MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. else of the spring and tumbler powers as well as with the kind." It would not be easy to smuggling populace, and some- produce another instance of this thing must be done to retrieve kind of pleasantry, in which the his character. Taking a favour- words to be abused presented able time, he apprehended a themselves so unreservedly to citizen at night at the head of a the abuser. string of horses all laden with tobacco. The horses and loads escaped, but Connor their owner was put in prison, and then put THESPIS AND BACCHUS before the judge. He was a FALSE FRIENDS. man with a large family, and if convicted would suffer several A certain guardian of the years' imprisonment. O'Connell lamps in Crow Street Theatre, was fee'd for the defence, which named Flood, possessed such appeared nearly hopeless ; but powers of memory and mimicry several zealous and unprincipled that he got many a half-crown young friends of Connor way- from the actors or their patrons laid and secured in succession for exhibitions of his talents. poor Flood for some days be- Passing along the quay one day, fore the trial, spouted, and he saw a boy struggling in the caused him to spout, drank with river, and being a fearless man him, and made him drink, and and a good swimmer, he threw when at last he sat in the wit- himself in and saved the lad. ness's chair, he was very much The parents of the rescued boy bemused in ale and punch. being influential people, got the Still, by a supreme effort he kept brave man a place in the Custom- mastery over himself, and gave house, and he kept his roister- unequivocal evidence against ing propensities in check, till in the prisoner. He had risen, an unlucky hour he was deputed and was leaving his pew with to rule the revenue in Dingle. much self-approval, when O'Con- Being now his own master, he nell shouted at him, " Come back, gave scope to his theatrical im- Alonzo ! " Like the war-horse pulses, fitted up a little theatre, at the trumpet blast, poor Flood and trained the youthful Romeos got excited, and exclaimed, and Juliets of that remote town "Alonzo the brave and the fair "— to walk the stage, and declaim Imogen ! " And who is your with effect. Worse still, he last Imogen?" He shook his would have little suppers for his head with drunken gravity, but performers, male and female, under the counsellor's screw- when play and farce were over, press he was obliged to confess and sundry yards and hen- to many peccadilloes connected roosts were invaded to furnish with his amateur theatricals, as cheer for these Olympian feasts. well as dark deeds of convey- Flood by degrees got into ancing of fowls from yards and bad odour with the higher roosts. He abused his examiner MODERN IRISH ANECDOTES. right and left, lost his judgment, seats, and the victim entirely contradicted his own testimony, beyond vulgar caution, he fell but would be immediately mol- prone on his face in the trench, lified when O'Connell would and all his powers were for the treat him to bits from plays, or moment paralyzed. The jury furnish him with cues. One of took but little time to frame these so affected him that, cry- their verdict of acquittal, and ing out " My life, my love, my the rescue of the poor smuggler Belvidera ! " he attempted to furnished the great lawyer with fling himself on his false friend's much self-complacency in after neck. There being an unnoticed years. chasm between the respective

Note.

Our motto is furnished from one of the shorter poems of Sir Walter Scott,—" The Search after Happiness.'' IRISH PROVERBS.

SUCH sayings in this collection as may not be familiar to the general reader are translations from the Irish, but used by the now English-speaking people in some other forms. They have been selected from the copious store to be found in the excellent

Irish Grammar written by the Rev. Ulick J. Burke, of St. Jarlath's College. All the rest have been heard by the writer in the province of Leinster, but the greater part are as much the pro- perty of Hindustanis, Persians, Germans, Italians and Spaniards, as they are of the inhabitants of the banks of the Liffey and Slaney, the form and appendages varying according to the political, social, and physical conditions of the different peoples among whom they are domesticated. No one need fear any future scarcity of the article. Rev. Ulick Burke has as many in the

native Irish as would fill a good-sized volume, and is not every one aware of the awful number of editions created to infold the mighty mass of the Proverbial Philosophy of Martin Farquhar

Tupper, Esq. !

A burnt child dreads the fire. A cat is able to look on a king. A chance shot will kill the divel. A crooked cake makes a straight back. A day in the bone is worth two in the tally. {Rest is as needful as work.) A drink before a story. {Give encouragement to profession/ musi- cians, artists, &*c.) A drink is shorter than a story. {An excuse for a drink before the story ends.)

A gift horse is not to be looked in the teeth. A good beginning is half the work. A hen is heavy when carried far. A light-heeled mother makes a heavy-heeled daughter. A living dog is better than a dead lion. IRISH PROVERBS. 183

Always rub your skirts to some one better off than yourself.

A miss is as good as a mile. An alms from his own share is given to a fool. An empty vessel sounds loud.

An illiterate king is a crowned ass. A man without learning and wearing fine clothes, Is like a gold ring in a fat pig's nose.

A sage is not always wise. As black as the sole of your shoe. As dark as bags. As fine a man as you'd meet in a kish of brogues. A shoemaker's wife and a smith's mare are always badly shod. As puny-stomached as Bully (the house-dogj said of a glutton). As welcome as flowers in May. A thorn in mire, a hound's tooth, and a fool's retort, are the three sharpest things in creation. A watched pot never boils. (A thing anxiously expected seems slow in coming?) A wet funeral is lucky.

Happy is the corpse that the rain rains on ;

And happy is the bride that the sun shines on. A wet and a windy May makes strong barns. A wren in hand is better than a crane on loan. A bird in hand is worth two in the bush. Badly got, badly gone. Beggars can't be choosers. Better the end of a feast than the beginning of a fray.

Big head, little wit. Catch a weasel asleep. (An order to do some difficult thing?) " Come day, go day, God send Sunday !" (A ivish attributed to an indolent person?)

" ! Divel thravel your speed " . (A mistake of persons imperfect in English for " D. speedyourjourney /") " Divel die with him ! If we lose a friend we'll lose a foe." (Said on the death of an acquaintance for whom the speaker had little regard) Don't keep a dog and bark yourself.

Donald is Thigue's brother. A chip of the old block. 1 84 IRISH PROVERBS.

Don't put off thatching till the storm is at hand. Don't tie with your tongue what you can't open with your teeth. (A dissuasive against an imprudent marriage?) Ease and elegance, like a shoe-black in a noddy.

Eaten bread is sour.

Eaten bread is soon forgotten.

Every child is as its nursing. With education form the tender mind ; Just as the twig is bent, the tree's inclined. Everything, and cabbage a- Sunday. [Expressive of comfort amo?ig our peasantry?) Everything troubles you, and the cat breaks your heart. (A reproof addressed to a querulous person.) Fair and easy goes far in the day. Far-away cows have long horns. Far-away hills look green. February fill-dyke, —neither black nor white. Friends are known in distress. A friend in need is a friend indeed. " Go and kill a Hussian for yourself." (See page 107.) God never shuts one door, but he opens another.

God never made a mouth without making something to put in it.

God's relief is nearer than the threshold. Going to a goat's house to look for wool. Going to law with the devil, and the court held in hell.

Gold is light with a fool. A fool and his money are soon parted. Half loaf is better than no bread.

He breaks his wife's head, and then buys a plaster for it. He cut a rod to whip his own back. He got up before the D. shook his doublet. He has too many irons in the fire. He improves like bad fish in July. He is like a swinged cat, betther nor he looks. He is not able to drag a herring off the coals. He is not covetous, but he'd fain have all. He is never without a cawbeen, a threheen, and a sligeen (Old hat, old stocking, and old shoe). He that's born to be hanged needn't fear water. IRISH PROVERBS. 185

He that's born under a threepenny planet will never be worth a groat.

He was fit to stack his duds (to break into a Jit of madness). He went to look at somebody drinking. (An euphuism for " He to 1 went drink? ) He'll either make a spoon or spoil a horn. He would swear a hole through a griddle.

His feeding is better than his education.

He is better fed than taught.

If ifs and ands were pots and pans, small work would be for the tinker. If wishes were horses, beggars might ride ; If straws were swords, I'd have one by my side. If you were as catcheons as you're snappish you wouldn't leave a bird on the bushes.

It's a bad bird that defiles its own nest.

It's a bad blast that is not good for some one.

It's an ill wind blows that does nobody good. It's a long lane that has no turn. It's easy to bake with meal at your hand.

It's no secret when it's known to three.

It wasn't from the wind he got it. (He did not obtain his know- ledge without study.) It's Tallow-Hill talk with you. (This locality was famous for robberies committed on carmen. " Your talk is as idle as a carman's boast before he had got away clear from Tallow (Tallacht) hill?) It's to please herself that the cat sings her cronan (purrs). It was the three borrowed days that killed poor Raphogue. (The Cow having wagered with March that he would not be able to kill her, and having survived the thirty-first day, she kicked up her heels, lowing out, " That for March." The enraged month, out of spite, borrowed thefirst three days from April, and did the poor beast's business.) Jig be jowl,—cheek by jowl. Keep your breath to cool your porridge. Look before taking a leap.

Looking for a hound without knowing its colour. Make a complaint to no one but a friend. Many a shabby colt made a fine horse. 1 86 IRISH PROVERBS.

Many a day shall we rest in the grave. Marry in haste, and repent at leisure.

Men and women meet ; —mountains never. More holy than godly. (A jest on ragged clothes?) More by chance than good luck. Never scald your lips with another man's porridge. No fool like an old fool. " No force, black pig." {I'll lose no more time in persuading you to do what's right.) No one knows where the shoe pinches better than him that wears it.

No tree but has rotten wood enough to burn it. (An allusion to

the evil wrought by bad members of' a family.) Nuts taste bitter in the evening (to those who have feasted on them through the day).

Och mavrone ! (oh my sorrow f) black stones will never grow

white ! Often was Ugly amiable, and Pretty sulky. Once paid, never craved. One nail spoils a horse, one horse spoils a team of six. For want of a nail the shoe was lost. For want of a shoe the horse was lost. For want of a horse the man was lost. One cockchafer thinks another handsome. One scabby sheep infects a flock.

One story is good till another is told.

" Peace be with them ! " as King James (I. ?) said to his hounds. Poor and proud, like the Moneytummer people, (In every district some village or townland is thus characterised.)

Poverty is no crime. If it was, many a one would be hanged. Put more potatoes in the pot, maybe some one is coming down Scollach Gap. (An anticipation of some traveller coming in hungry?) Putting on the mill the thatch of the kiln. Robbing Peter to pay Paul. Right wrongs no man.

She ate shame and drank after it. (Said of an abandoned woman.) She looks as if butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. (Affectedly modest.) - IRISH PROVERBS. 187

She wipes the plates with the cat's tail. (Said of a slattern.) She wipes her face with the pot rag. (Ditto.) Shoes in the cradle, the feet in the mire. (A hint to those who do not thankfully use the goodgifts of Providence.)

Skinning a flea for its hide and tallow. Standers on the ditch (fence) are the best hurlers. Bachelor's children are the best educated. Success attends slovenliness. (Misers generally neglect cleanli- ness) There's luck in muck.

Summer is summer till Michaelmas Day.

Winter is winter till the middle of May.

Take a short stick in your fist, and be off to . That man has an eye in the back of his head. That's the lazy man's load. (Said to a person who carries too many tilings at once to avoid a secondjourney) That woman won't sell her hen on a rainy day. (A characterfor cleverness.) The cat will soon take you under the bed. (Said to a faint- heartedperson.)

The cow dies while the grass is growing.

The darkest hour is before the dawn. The devil could not hold a candle to him. (Said of a very wickedperson.) The foot at rest meets nothing.

The shut hand catches no fish.

The fox has you by the throat. ( You are hoarse)

The lake is not the heavier for the duck. The lamb teaching its dam to bleat. The longest way round, the shortest way home. (Regular industry to be preferred to speculation)

The pig is on your back. ( You are in a bad humour)

The priest christens his own child first. (The saying alludes to the circumstafice of a few newly-born children being left to the care of a clergyman and some neighbouringfamilies) There is a rib broke in the devil. (Some obdurate person has done an act of mercy) There's nothing sharper than a woman's tongue.

There never was an old shoe that could not get its match of an old stocking. (A matri?nonial aphorism) 1 88 IRISH PROVERBS.

The scanty dish tastes well.

Hunger is good sauce. Three without rule,—a woman, a pig, and a fool. The smell was strong enough to knock down a horse. This won't put much fat on my ribs. {Said of a profitless affair})

Time and I against any two. To carry water in a sieve.

Too much of one thing is good for nothing. To rake a fire on the edge of a lake, or to throw stones on a strand, is as foolish as to advise a silly woman. Two eyes are better than one. Wash your dirty linen in the house. {Keep silence to your neigh- bours o?i your domestic affairs) We brought the summer along with us.

We never miss the water till the well runs dry.

What can't be had is just what's wished for. What can you expect from a cat but her skin. What the devil gives with one hand, he takes with the other. What the housewife spares, the cat eats. What your neighbour gets, you never lose.

When a man is down, down with him.

Where the thing is not, the king loses his right. While a duck swims, a swan's feathers are white, and a dog snarls and bites, a woman will be perverse. Wine is sweet, sour its effects. Wine tells truth.

Words are but wind ; but blows are unkind.

You are a better turner than a dishmaker. ( You are expert at misrepresentation.)

You are as stiff as if you had oatmeal to sell.

You can't have your loaf and eat it. You got a blind man to judge of colour. You make fish of one, and flesh of another. You might as well be throwing stones against the wind.

Your eye is bigger than your stomach. ( You will not be able to eat as much as you think.) INDEX.

A. An Absent Man ; He forgets His own Name and His own Hat, 126 A Bishop Militant (Hervey, Bristol and An Anti-Johnsonian Judge (Judge Kelly), Derry), 86 76 An Archbishop of a Different Stamp, 87 An Election Decided by a Sweep (Alder- A Bull on a Ladder-top, 161 man Beresford and Sir Jonah Barrington " A Bumper, Squire Jones," 46 being the Candidates), 72 A Bizarre Mode of Encouraging Irish An Equivocal Invitation, 161 Literature, 42 An Ingenious but Slightly Reprehensible A Causeless, Mutual Fright, 14 Device (Death of Dr. Patrick Duigenan', A Change without Improvement, 162 54 A Christian Turk, 71 An Ingenious Device of Judge Patterson, A Church Dignitary not above Pun-making, 75 156 An Intelligent Echo, 169 A College Tragedy, 45 An equally Intelligent Telescope, 169 A Cook of Imperfect Education, 165 An Irish Attempt at a Classic Triumph A Coroner's Inquest in Old Times, 158 (Lord Clare to present the Slave in the Active and Honest Magistrates, 97 Chariot), 101 A Cunning Woman (the Honourable Mrs. An Uncanonical Dispensation, 166 Cuffe), 92 An Unsuccessful Pun, 167 A Curious Rise in Law Life, 124 A Pair of Public Instructors (Francis Hig- A Death-bed Practical Joke (by Richard gins and Matthias Giffard), 98 Parsons, first Earl of Rosse), 46 A Persian's Notions on Ireland (1744), 44 A Delectable Trial before the Lords (Lord A Sleight-of-hand Trick (by George Bar- Aldborough), 73 rington), 105 A Dismal Joke, 166 A Speech from the Upper Gallery (Irish A Disreputable Line (the Luttrells) extin- Johnstone), 59 guished, 102 A Tail badly adapted to the Body (a Pecu- A Distinction accompanied by a Difference, liarity of Sir Frederick Flood), 67 124 A Text of Scripture applied with Success, Admiration thrown away, 164 8 3 . A Double Duel, 44 A Thief Victimized by an Honest Man, 168 A Few of Baron O' Grady's Good Things, A Transplanted Legend, 11 144 A Valid Excuse, 172 A Fairly-fought Combat, 106 A Venerable Joke, 165 A Fidget on the Bench (Judge Goold), 123 A Wounded Trooper's Gratitude (Siege of A Happy though not strictly Literal Trans- Limerick), 17 lation, 121 A Translation the Reverse of this, 122 A Haughty Lady subdued, 120 A Landlord Regardless of Ambush (Lord B. Clonmel), 121 A Legal Exchange of Civilities, 78 Barony Forth Memorabilia, 13 A Liberty taken with History by Tradi- Barry (James, the Painter), some of his tion (Lord Santry), 134 Eccentricities, 55 A Little Foible of Judge Boyd's, 75 Beaten at his own Weapons, 132 Marquis loved not A who Music (M. of Be Generous ; Let Justice mind Itself, 155 Ely), 105 Be Kind to your Beast, 162 A Model Dublin Editor, a.d. 1728 (Jemmy Brass Money (the Wooden Shoes omitted), Carson), 43 15

An Absent Man ; He forgets His Bryan Maguire, 83 Bride, 125 Buck Whalley, 52 190 INDEX.

do., Car-boy Wit, 157 Ears and no Ears ; Eyes, 151 Catching a Tartar, 173 Equal to the Occasion, 163 Changing their Colours, 134 Equivocal Praise, 166 Charley of the Horses, 25 How Cahir na Goppal (this worthy) Helped a Brother Conveyancer, 26 Collaboration, 166 Father Arthur O'Leary, 59 Condescension of the Lord Chancellor's A Friend in Court (Curran), 60 (Clare) Father, 77 A Wilful Mistake, 60 Abernethy, Curran and in Choice of a Religion, 60 (with Lord A Dog on the Bench The Bear that Spoke Irish, 61 Clare), 80 Force of Habit, 108 A Few of Curran's Puns, 82 Force of Habit ; Second Example, 123 a Swal- A Law Court Disturbed by Funeral Rites Performed over the Living, low, 81 99 A Prodigal Brother, 98 Crow-street v. Peter-street, 179 G. Duel with Bully Egan, 81 First Fee, 80 General Ginckell's disorderly Household, 18 on (Judge) Carleton, 81 of, George Faulkner ; a little Foible 39 at the Play, 40 narrowly escapes Knighthood, 40 The Treacherous Strawberry, 113 George Robert Fitzgerald's First Duel, 85 Gillo's Pedigree, 41 Dalkey and its King, 62 Good Advice, 165 Dean Swift among the Lawyers, 36 Good Points in the Characters of James, at their Devotions, 32 and his Man William, and Schonberg, 6 and his Printer (George Faulkner), 39 and the Shoemaker, 33 A Tax on the Atmosphere dreaded, 35 H. Charitable Disposition of, 34 Heart and Toes, 167 Sermon of, Charity 35 " He's not Covetous, but he'd fain have Culinary Skill of, 36 All," 159 Death of, 33 How Aughnm was Lost, 19 Deanery, Discipline in the 35 How Buck English became Blind, too Epilogue to a Charity-Play, 36 How Dr. Thomas Sheridan won a Wife, 50 First Meeting of, with his Servant, 31 How Sir Richard Steele got Himself Gives a Lesson in Politeness, and gets Preached at, 58 his Reward, 31 How the King (Geo. IV.) was frightened Labour, Lost 36 on Leinster Lawn, 120 Translation of the Plearaca na Ru- How the Money went in Police Offices, 97 arcach, 37 How Tom Flinter would have bought up a True to the Death, 32 whole Fair, 67 Different Qualities of Tea, 160 ^ Bodies (a Con- Simple and Compound I. nection of last Anecdote), 160 Pronunciation, Direct and Inverse Proportion, 162 Importance of Correct 172 Corporation, Discretion in taking Medicine, 162 Importance (Self; of the Old Doctor John Barrett (F.T.C.D.): A Col- 72 lege Recluse, 116 Ireland Before the War '1691), 6 A Brace of Bulls in College, 117 Irish Bulls conducting English ones into and the Ha'porth of Milk, 116 wrong Pastures, 175 and the Maynooth Professor, 119 Irish Pronunciation, 5 m " Salmon,' A Sweep and a Doctor rolled into It wasn't the Drink : 'twas the One, 117 164 Famous Latin Pun of, 118 How the Doctor received the King J- (Geo. IV.), 118 under the Screw, 128 Domestic Economy among the Rapparees, Jemmy O'Brien of a Public Man, 127 8 The End Embarrassment, Doughty John Dunton, in Dublin, 28 Judge Henn's 74 Court to Themselves, 93 Duelling Extraordinary, 83 Judges with the INDEX. 191

O'Connell, a Cause gained by a Danish Kane O'Hara, 48 Vocabulary, 141 Killing with Kindness (Grattan hurt by A Counsellor enlightened by a Cow- his Supporters), 155 King Mob, stealer, 140 129 A Hard Won and Useless Victory (ob- King William on Horseback, 149 tained over Biddy Moriarty), 142 A Lying and Treacherous Face, 146 A Man about to sink saved by a Straw, 145 and Counsellor West Comparing Lillibullero, 21 Heads, 146 Lord Clare's Funeral, 77 A Prayer of the Wicked, 142 Lord Clonmel and the Olympic Pig-Hunt, A True Alibi, 139 93 Fearlessness in a Just Cause, 143 A Judge (Clonmel) called on as a Good Memory necessary to a Liar, Witness, 94 i45 A Lord ^Clonmel) far outdone by a Great Cry and Little Wool (a Tithe Barber, 96 Romance), 147 Opposite, but not Friendly Neigh- Inconveniences of Popularity, 147 bours (Lady Clonmel and Lady Life in Death, 143 Barrington), 95 Proving too Much, 141 Lord Galmoy and his Brother, 15 —— Self-interest Interferes with Slaughter, Lord Norbury, Judge and Counsel in 148 One, no Thespis and Bacchus, False Friends, (Pepper and Pepper-Caster;, 144 180 Piety of, 108 The Wrong Man in the Right Place, Prize Pun of, 109 140 Short and Simple Methods of, 108 Tickled to Death, 147 Lord Plunket, 154 Old Dublin during the Dark Hours, 133 Lord Townshend, 88 Old Stephen's Green, 130 Lottery Luck, 102 Our Last Sight of James (II.), n Lucas's Coffee House and its Frequenters, Ovid in Fingal and Tipperary, 12

M. Patrick Sarsfield, Earl of Lucan, 16 Macklin, christened MacLaughlin, 175 Potatoes and Pistols, 139 MacLaughlin ends in Macklin, 175 Avery Cheap Time-piecejan Anecdote " This is the that Shakespeare Jew connected with the last), 138 Drew," 176 MacNally and the " Kind Gallows," 84 Major Sirr in his Decline, 131 Major Spread's Mode of Paying Tax, 137 A Hunt (followed by himj in Dublin Redmond O'Hanlon and the Pedlar, 22 Streets, 136 How Redmond Despoiled the Sol- Manus the Gold-finder, 27 diers, 23 Mercy recompensed (an Incident of '98), Redmond O'Hanlon meets his Match, 107 23 Mirrors versus Grimaces (an Accident to Respect to a Slain Foeman (Jacobite Wars), Robert Jephson, the Poet), 89 18 Mistress Margaret Woffington's Debut, Robin Adair, 51 x * 77 More Words on the " Drop of Drink," 159 S.

Morris Quill : some of his Humours, 169 Death before Neglect of Duty, 171 St. Ruth's Bullet, 19 Dr. Q.'s Dangerous Secret, 170 Schonberg's Oration to the Inniskilleners, Mickey Free, a Fool to Dr. Quill's Orderly, 171 Self-knowledge dangerous at Times, 79

Sheridan ; Loose Threads taken up, 152 Personation in Liquor, 113 of his Best, 68 NJ Sir Boyle Roche ; a Few Some Bovine Remarks (probably no National Traits, 167 Sir Boyle's), 70 "

I 92 INDEX.

Sir Hercules Langrishe over his Wine, 112 Theophilus Swift ; One too Many in a Room His Odious Comparisons, in (an Anecdote of his Imprisonment), 115 Sir Jonah patronizes Judge Johnson, 76 The Poet Laureate of the Irish Bar, Ned The Way he took to France, 96 Lysaght, 103 Sir Teague O'Regan and his War Horse, 9 The Polite Lord Chesterfield, 87 Settles a Knotty Point of Controversy, The Quintessence of Covetousness (Hely 10 Hutchinson), 101 Sir Teague once more, 21 The Scolding Sisters, 28 Sir Toby Butler, 57 The Sorrows of Gentility, 168 Six and Eight Pence, 123 Tom Doggett and his Badge, 173 " Snuffed out by an Article," 178 Tom Moore's Early Acting, 173 Speaking in Cypher, 167 Moore at the Kilkenny Theatricals, Archbishop, 168 Strange Taste in an 174 _ Tottenham in his Boots, 53 Two Professors of the Long-bow (Sir Richard Musgrave and Sir John Stuart Hamilton', 68 Taking a Patthern, 163 The Big Man of Clare, 120 U. The Bull and the Bank Notes, 161 The Captain of the Bull-ring, 50 Unpleasant Results of a Debauch, 66 The Clown who engrossed all the Good Unpopular with Friends and Foes, 172 Things to Himself, 49 *' The Deil's in ^Hell—or Dublin City," W. The Difference between a Poet and a Gen- tleman, 155 Water Sold at a High Price, 133 The Dog of Aughrim, 20 Way-side Hospitality, 8 The Duchess of Rutland, 91 " Where was the Penny to Pay the Post The Duke of Rutland, 90 (Thackeray)? 165 The First Performance of " She Stoops to "Why can't you Count ?"—" Because I Conquer," 178 can't Read," 164 The Great John Whalley, Doctor of Some- Women's Dreams never attended to, 135 thing or Other, 30 The Kite and the Wind, 104 The Lord Mayor of Dublin mystified, 131 The Moon's Superiority to the Sun, 162

Theophilus Swift ; the Quintessence of "You Carry Caesar (Colclough) and his Loyalty Saddle-bags," 127 His R«.emarks on the Married and Some Trifles of Caesar's Laureate Single Fellows, T.C.D., 114 (Charles Kendal Bushe), 127

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