Taming the Mommy Tiger

Taming the Mommy Tiger Understanding One Source of his Ex’s Resentment and What You Can Do About It By Wednesday Martin, Ph.D. One of the most common questions I hear from women who marry or partner with men who have kids is, “What should they call me?” While there’s no one right answer, I do concur with the overwhelming majority of experts and women in the trenches who know from first-hand experience that there is, in a broad sense, to which there are rare exceptions, a wrong one: Mom. Or mommy. Or mother. You get the idea. I’m not big on oversimplified advice—there’s way too much of it out there for stepmothers in books, which tend to gloss over the point of view of the woman with stepchildren, as if she’s got no right to have one. That’s just wrong, and that’s why I wrote a book from a stepmother-centric perspective. But when it comes to this particular issue, unless the planets are aligned just so (and we’ll get to that, to the factors that might make it easy and OK for his kids to call you and think of you as mom), it is best for all parties if you acknowledge the specialness of your bond with his kids of any age by coming up with a word other than mom to define it. “Hey!” you’re thinking, “That’s not fair! I’m just like a mom. I do lots of heavy lifting. I do X, Y and even Z for those kids!! And she’s (fill-in-the-blank with neglectful, or a terrible mother or unloving and selfish and disinterested in 4 © 2011 StepMom Magazine Taming the Mommy Tiger her kids, or even an alcoholic/drug addict/liar). So, why is she the only one to be called mom? Does just giving birth to them make her the only mother? Yep, it does. Whether we like it or think it’s right or wrong, we will likely be able save ourselves a lot of grief and aggravation by acknowledging a simple truth. In our society, motherhood is romanticized and idealized, and mothers—no matter how bad—are put on a pedestal by the world in general and by their kids in particular. Sometimes, you may have noticed, the more problems the mother has, the more fiercely protective of and attached and irrationally loyal to her the kids are. It can make your head spin, especially if “…when they you know you’re a better parent than she is. ask to call you Whoa, there, Stepmom! There’s a reason stepfamily experts—from the National Stepfamily mom, as Resource Center to the last book you picked up—are virtually unanimous in flattering as it their advice, “Don’t try to replace their mother, and don’t ask them to call you mom.” While you’re at it, when they ask to call you mom, as flattering as is, as much of it is, as much of a victory as it feels like, as much as you feel you earned it a victory as it and deserve it, your life will probably be a whole lot easier in the long run if you point out, “I love you very much, but let’s think of something else for you feels like, as to call me, since you already have a mom.” Again, there are exceptions, but they are few and far between. much as you feel you earned Why are the experts and so many of the women who have been there such killjoys about the kids calling you mommy? it and deserve it, your life will Because they know what they’re talking about. First, there’s the reality of the loyalty bind—a feeling that kids get, often because their moms probably be a encourage it—that loving or even liking you is a betrayal of her. They suspect that bonding with you will actually cause their bond with her to whole lot wither and die. What could be scarier for these kids than loving you and easier in the calling you mom, mommy or any variant of The Mother? Sometimes, kids feel and fear this even without their moms doing what too many moms do— long run if you badmouth you and your marriage. point out, “I If there’s anything that provokes a woman with stepchildren, it’s a mom who love you very doesn’t want her kids to get too close to dad’s new wife—and tries to assure it won’t happen by telling lies or saying inappropriate and undermining much, but let’s things about their stepmom. “If it weren’t for her, your dad and I would still think of be together,” such women might say to their kids. Or, “You don’t have to listen to her or be nice to her. She’s not in charge of you.” something else for you to call If there is anything that provokes a mother, it’s the feeling that someone— someone married to her ex-husband in particular, whether she instigated me, since you the divorce or not—is competing with her for her child’s affection. “I love them like they’re my own,” you might say to her in a conversation, trying to already have a set her at ease. But the words have the opposite effect, making mom feel mom.” encroached upon and threatened. 5 © 2011 StepMom Magazine Taming the Mommy Tiger Understanding the Mommy Tiger But why? As I researched my book, “Stepmonster,” I reviewed what sociologists and anthropologists had to say about stepmothering worldwide and about wife/ ex-wife conflict across cultures. What quickly became clear was the following simple truth: In our society in particular, many women find the idea of sharing their children with another motherlike figure incredibly threatening to their core identity and their very sense of self. And when they have to do it, they lose it. Many are the stories of crazy exes and vengeful biomoms (can we please just call them moms or mothers?) who undermine the stepmother/stepchild relationship as if their very lives depend upon it. “In our society Why are these women so angry, so dead set on keeping their kids from bonding with stepmom? Sociologists Linda Nielsen of Wake Forest University, Stephanie in particular, Coontz of Evergreen University and the Council on Contemporary Families tell us that, unlike many Caribbean, Native American, and Pacific Island cultures— many women where children have a number of parent-like figures who care for them and may find the idea of have several mother-like “aunties” who look after them in all senses, such as feeding, clothing and even disciplining them—middle and upper-middle class sharing their Caucasian American women are dramatically more likely to have been raised in children with a “one-mother only mentality.” another That means these women have been taught from an early age that mothering means one woman and one woman only doing the heavy lifting mostly, if not motherlike entirely, on her own. They are less likely, in a broad statistical sense, to have figure had fictive kin, aunties and even extended family involved in their upbringing. In their view, mothering comes from one person, and one person alone—period. incredibly This exclusive, exclusionary view of mothering is deeply ingrained for many of threatening to us and results in a mindset that there can be only one mother. Further implied is that if one mother isn’t doing it all on her own, she’s a bad one. And being a bad their core mother, in our culture, makes you a bad woman and a bad person. There’s no separating those categories in our thinking. identity and their very Coontz, Nielsen and other sociologists point out that Caribbean, Pacific Island, Native American and African American children are more likely to have sense of self. “allomaternal” and “allopaternal” figures in their lives—“aunties” and “uncles” And when they who contribute to their well-being in numerous ways. They also tell us this is likely to be the case in immigrant and lower-income groups, where extended have to do it, family living arrangements and a belief that “it takes a village” prevail. they lose it.” In contrast, for many of us in the U.S., it’s nuclear family bonds uber-alles. Why do so many ex-wives go nuts when their exes remarry and their kids get a stepmother? In large part, it may be because they are programmed to do this. Understanding this might help those of us with stepchildren understand how an otherwise sane-seeming, high-functioning woman is capable of demonizing us in irrational ways. It takes hard work and commitment to overcome this social programming, and our collective hats should be off to the mothers who manage it. As for those who don’t, we will do everyone a good turn, perhaps most especially ourselves and our stepkids, if we use this knowledge to avoid provoking the mommy tiger by insisting on our “right” to be called mom and to 6 © 2011 StepMom Magazine Taming the Mommy Tiger share what she considers to be her exclusive mom privileges. These often include parent-teacher conferences, doctor’s appointments and conversations with kids about topics like reproduction, sex and drugs. In all of these areas, ask yourself just how dreadful it really is to have to concede to her irrational-seeming wishes you just stay away or remain uninvolved.

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