Minnesota Women’s Press, November 2012 1

Changing the Universe through Women’s Stories A woman’s

survival kit issue NICOLE HOUFF NICOLE

The Grief Feminist Justice The unPrison Homeless Project survival kit tour Project no more

November 2012 volume 28, Issue 11 www.womenspress.com 2 Minnesota Women’s Press, November 2012

Join in November “Siempre nos sentimos $ bienvenidos en el 100 off YWCA, y a mi hijo le the Joiners Fee encanta el Kidzone.” Plus, come in 12x during “I always feel welcome the first month and get at the YWCA and my $25 off any service. son loves the Kidzone.” Good on new adult and family memberships. Some restrictions apply. Offer ends November 30, 2012. -Orlando, member since 2009. www.ywcampls.org Minnesota Women’s Press, November 2012 3

Changing the Universe through Women’s Stories 8 10 Survival kit issue ContaCtus 651-646-3968 email: [email protected] www.womenspress.com send a letter to the editor [email protected] subscribe [email protected] 22 advertise [email protected] suggest a story idea [email protected] enter your online calendar listing at www.womenspress.com, click on Calendar, then “add event” Join book activities [email protected] 25 mWpstaFF publishers/editors Kathy Magnuson, Norma Smith olson Contributors Mary DesJarlais, Shannon Drury, Jennifer Features Godinez, Mikki Morrissette, Susan Niz, thinkaboutit ...... 6 amber Procaccini, amy Rogers, Robyn Married at age 5 ... & more to consider Schein, Michele St. Martin readers’Write proFilE ...... 8 Cover artist Nicole Houff youSaiD ...... 5 Deborah Jiang Stein’s unPrison Project design Norma Smith olson Letters from our readers advertising sales Michele Holzwarth, survivalFEatuRE ...... 10 BookSHElF ...... 12 Nancy Jambor, Kathy Magnuson The Grief Project accounting Kathy Malchow, Jenna Bootleg survival story holidayFEatuRE ...... 31 Ellwanger onYouRmind ...... 17 Get creative with family photos operations Faye Kommedahl, Kari larson Susan Niz: Homeless no more Founding publishers Mollie Hoben, Columnists Glenda Martin yourStoRY...... 27 WelComeWoRDS ...... 4 I WAS a victim, I AM a survivor Our mission is to tell women’s stories in ways Girls rule! Really? yourtHouGHtS ...... 32 that create community and encourage change. leaderVoiCE ...... 15 MWP readers share survival stories The Minnesota Women’s Press is distributed Gen X & Gen Y philanthropists free at 500 locations. To find one near you, vis- onYouRmind ...... 34 it www.womenspress.com and click on “get a sheSaiD ...... 16 Am I safe in rural Minnesota? copy” or call 651-646-3968. Subscriptions are Shannon Drury’s feminist survival kit available by First Class mail: $52 for one-year leaderVoiCE ...... 19 advertisinGseCtions Fan Community membership (includes email Racial equity & excellence in education GirlFriends’ updates, invitation to community gathering, aCtNoW ...... 38 GuiDEto free copy of BookWomen magazine); $28 for a GiViNG ...... 13 The system through a victim’s eyes basic one-year subscription, $53 for two years. eduCation GuiDE ...... 18 ©2012 by Minnesota Women’s Press, Inc. Goseedo All rights reserved. ISSN #1085-2603. CoveraRtiSt ...... 22 GoSEEdo GuiDE ...... 24 MINNESOTA WOMEN’S PRESS, INC. Nicole Houff: Barbie as a survivor 970 RAYMOND AVE., STE. 201, holidayGuiDE ...... 28 ST. PAUL, MN 55114 eventsCalENDaR ...... 24 ClassiFiedaDS...... 34 WWW.WOMENSPRESS.COM “I am doing the best I can” ... and more 4 Minnesota Women’s Press, November 2012 Thisissue kAThYMAGNusON Girls rule! NORMAsMiThOLsON The “Girls Rule!” slogan might be cute on a T-shirt we give to our daugh- ters and nieces, but—really? When we look at the percentages of women in elected office it’s just not true. In Minnesota, women make up 32 per- tality and look to diverse views and styles cent of the state Legislature and 27 per- as a way forward. cent of city council seats, are 15 percent When we see the polarization of our of mayors and 11 percent of county com- public discourse, as witnessed during missioners, according to statistics from the campaign season, it is clear that more WomenWinning, a local organization sup- qualities traditionally thought of as femi- porting pro-choice women running for nine could be used. What if our culture public office. saw strength in inclusivity, empathy and Coming up: Another familiar phrase we hear this collaboration? What if our leaders were election season is “Vote as if your life admired for their sensitivity, understand- December is our annual Changemakers issue. What would depended on it.” It ing and listening skills? you like to see changed for women “Do you think I’m does. Look at the We are issuing an invitation to men to issues of pay equity, come to the table with women in equal or girls? Tell us about it. Send a paragraph or two to weak? It takes reproductive health, numbers and equal voice. And, a challenge [email protected] access to education to women to come to that table as well. real strength to Deadline: November 10 and other concerns When women run for office, they win at say that you that impact women the same rates as men. More women needDecember Advertising Sections: need help.” and girls. Our fore- to run in order to have more women at the • Holiday Guide mothers went to table. Now is the time to get started for the • Spirituality Guide —Deborah Jiang Stein prison and held hun- next election. • GoSeeDo Guide see Profile story on ger strikes for our Author Marianne Williamson talks Deadline: November 10 page 8. right to vote. Do about it a world where we all see ourselves January’s theme is the Power Nov. 6—and bring as parents—and our children are all the of Intentions. What are your two others with you. children. She challenges us to all be home- intentions for the new year? This issue of the Women’s Press goesmakers to and see the world as our home. Tell us about it. Send a paragraph press before the election. But whatever the or two to [email protected] outcomes—our message is the same: OurWhat’s in your “survival kit?” What’s work of making this world a better place your survival story? We posed these Deadline: December 10 for women and girls isn’t done. questions to our readers this month and January Advertising Sections: And really—it’s not that the “girls” need based on the overwhelming number of • Camp & Activities Guide to rule over the rest of society. That would responses, you are skilled survivors! • Education & Lifelong Learning be using a stereotypically male model of Women are strong and resourceful. And, Guide power. What’s needed is girls and boys, we can use our vote. • Girlfriends’ Guide to the New Year women and men ruling together. Let’s get • GoSeeDo Guide rid of the winner or loser, either/or men- and Deadline: December 10 Co-Publishers

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Faster response time Poverty stats A new computer database to be up and run- According to the National Women’s ning in about six months will put up-to-the- Law Center in Washington, D.C.: minute information about protective orders in In 2011, in the United States: the hands of police so they can avoid lag time • The poverty rate among women was in keeping victims safe from their abusers. The 14.6 percent, the highest rate in 18 current system allows new or modified orders years. Men’s poverty rate was lower, MN Lynx star, Seimone Augustus, speaks to be disseminated twice a day on weekdays, at 10.9 percent. meaning a weekend can pass before police out against the marriage amendment • The poverty rate for black women in the field can access Orders for Protection. was 25.9 percent. I just never under- “It’s an antiquated system,” said Liz Richards, executive director of the Minnesota Coalition • The poverty rate for Hispanic stood“ why someone else’s for Battered Women. women was 23.9 percent. Minnesota received a $1 million federal • Among women who head families, love life and who they love grant for this upgrade. The new system will 4 in 10 (40.9 percent) lived in allow court staff to enter the information into poverty. and who they choose to be a database even as a judge is issuing a protec- • The poverty rate for women 65 and with affects so many other tion order. older was 10.7. The poverty rate for Source: www.startribune.com elderly women living alone was people’s lives. Is it a scare 18.4 percent. of, ‘Gay people are going Source: www.nwlc.org to be running around and everyone’s going to turn Who is the real pig? A fraternity at Amherst gay?’ I never understood the College, a liberal-arts insti- whole point of opposing tution in Massachusetts, or hating someone else’s created a T-shirt (left) to publicize its annual pig- happiness. roast party. The Amherst —Seimone Augustus, Minnesota” administration opted not Lynx basketball player and 2012 to censure the individual Olympian. Augustus and her partner, LaTaya Varner plan to students responsible for be married in May. the shirt. Source: St. Paul Pioneer Press Source: www.msmagazine.com Minnesota Women’s Press, November 2012 7

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Kissed by choice? The ubiquitous photo taken in Times Square on V-J Day, 1945, exuberantly celebrating the end of World War II, may really be a photo of a sexual assault, according to a London-based feminist blogger, known as “Leopard.” She wrote: “… Far from being a kiss between a loving couple, we learn that George and Greta were perfect strangers. We learn that George was drunk, and that Greta had no idea of his presence, until she was in his arms, with his lips on hers… It seems pretty WOMEN WILL DECIDE clear, then, what George had committed was sexual assault.” Source: www.feministing.com THE COURSE OUR Girls get married Worldwide, some 37,000 girls under the age of 18 COUNTRY WILL TAKE. are married off every day, some as young as 5 years old, ending their education, endangering their health and entering them into a life of drudgery. The United Nations Population Fund has raised this issue and is calling for all JOIN THE MOVEMENT. nations to set a mandatory marriage age of 18 by 2030. Why not right now? Source: www.un.org SIGN THE PLEDGE Woman oWned TO VOTE ON 11.6.12 NatureWise

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Tough in a tutu When you are born in prison, addicted to heroin, there’s no place to go but up, right? by Michele St. Martin Not exactly. When 12-year-old Deborah Jiang Stein accidentally learned that her birth- place was not Seattle, as she’d been told, but the Federal Women’s Prison in Alderson, W. Va., and that she’d been born addicted to drugs, she went into a tailspin that lasted nearly 20 years and included drug addiction, drug running and smuggling.

Jiang Stein eventually came to terms with her Sunday school and had an adoring older brother. beginnings, peeled away the layers that veiled her But things weren’t as ideal as they seemed. She identity and embarked on a path of recovery that didn’t feel as though she fit in. led her to share her life story with incarcerated “I didn’t know why no one looked like me,” women around the country. Her belief in the ability Jiang Stein said. A well-meaning remark from an older cousin provided the first piece of the puzzle, the answer to why her skin was brown, not white like her parents.’ When Jiang Stein was 8, her cousin innocently remarked that she was lucky because her parents had “chosen” her. She learned later that her older brother, who is Caucasian, was adopted too. When Jiang Stein asked her mother about this, she confirmed that her daughter had been adopted. She told her daughter, “We love you,” and went back to her gardening. Though her parents loved

COURTESY OF DEBORAH JIANG STEIN OF DEBORAH COURTESY her, like most adoptive families of the time, race and adoption just weren’t talked about much. When she learned the facts of her birth in prison, it was as if a wall went up between herself and many of the things she loved. She felt as though she was “less than.” Though she loved to dance, she felt that a girl who was born in a prison didn’t belong in a tutu. Feeling “less than” led to her to a drug history Deborah Jiang Stein speaking at the Ohio Prison for Women, which houses over 2300 women. that began with taking crystal meth in seventh grade. When she was thrown out of college for we all have for change is deeply held. “Our identi- lighting fires and drug smuggling (she later earned ties are flexible,” she said. “We can be of multiple her bachelor’s degree in economics), Jiang Stein races, including adoptive ones. And beyond race, began her street life. we can define our own identities.” Coming clean In the middle Terrified after witnessing a stabbing, Jiang Stein It would be easy to say that the little girl her fam- fled Seattle for her uncle’s home in Minneapolis, ily called Debbie led a charmed life. Adopted by where she traded drugs for heavy drinking. But, two English professors, her life in Seattle included today she’s clean and sober—and thankful. “It’s a ballet every Saturday, piano and French lessons and miracle I haven’t been incarcerated,” she said. competing on a swim team. She studied Hebrew in Minnesota Women’s Press, November 2012 9

Counseling and support groups helped Jiang Stein to realize that her behavior might be a way of seeking to return to where she first felt safe and loved—prison. She believes in the therapeutic process, and encourages women Do you think I’m weak? It takes real prisoners to seek the same kind of help. “Women will ask me, weeping, ‘What do you do with strength“ to say that you need help. the pain?’ I tell them to ask for help. Some people think that means you are weak. But I tell them, ‘Do you think ” I’m weak? It takes real strength to say that you need help.’” – Deborah Jiang Stein Some years ago, Jiang Stein hired a search agency to find the woman she calls her “prison mother.” She was devas- tated to learn that her mother, who spent her teen and adult The unPrison Project life in and out of reform schools and prisons, mostly for Deborah Jiang Stein is founder of the nonprofit organiza- drug-related crimes, had died. But Jiang Stein also learned tion, The unPrison Project, a 501(c)(3). Through personal that she had spent her first year living in prison, and that speaking appearances she has reached 15,000 women inmates her birth mother had loved her and fought to keep her. at 20 different prisons in the U.S., while 27 more prisons have Jiang Stein established a relationship with her biological requested the unPrison Project’s services. half-brother, and learned about her birth mother through Her vision is to unprison the minds of incarcerated women, the memories of those who loved and knew her best. She especially the mothers, by teaching new life skills and other also worked at becoming close again with her adoptive tools to create a better life, and advocating for education, parents. She supported her adoptive mother through her counseling and drug rehab. The unPrison Project works to illness with cancer and her eventual death. raise awareness that most crimes and addictions are behav- Jiang Stein respects those who work to reform the jus- ior, health and social concerns, rather than criminal issues. tice system, but her work through her nonprofit organiza- The more education, new life skills and healing the women tion, The unPrison Project, focuses on women currently in receive while they’re inside, the better prepared they’ll be for prison. “I’m very spiritual,” she said. “I was born to do the re-entry. work [of working with women in prison]. I was blessed to • 2.3 million children (most of them under age 10) have a have both of my mothers, and The profile appears in parent in prison I believe both would support me.” every issue of the • The rate of incarceration for women has increased Noting that her life has Minnesota Women’s Press. 800 percent in the last 10 years, with the majority of often been lived on the edge, It reflects our founding crimes nonviolent and drug related. and also that only 50 percent principle and guiding • 85 percent of women in prison are mothers. of babies whose mothers are philosophy that every • The majority of women in prison have experienced addicted to heroin are born woman has a story. emotional, sexual or psychological abuse. alive, “I am really lucky to be Readers are welcome to • The U.S. incarcerates more people than any other country alive. I don’t take anything in the world. in my life for granted. And I submit suggestions for FFI: don’t believe you can see the profile subjects. Email www.unprisonproject.org healing light until you come your ideas to Learn more about Deborah Jiang Stein’s memoir, “Even Tough out of the darkness.” [email protected] Girls Wear Tutus,” at deborahstein.com 10 Minnesota Women’s Press, November 2012 SURVIVALFEATURE Connecting through grief by Mikki Morrissette When Suzann Eisenberg Murray went downstairs in her new St. Paul hi-rise home for a social event several years ago, her intent was to take half an hour for a glass of wine, then return to some nonprofit work in her apartment. Instead, she was introduced to a table full of neighbors. One of them—Tom Murray—asked her to dance.

A full evening of dancing followed. By the time the musicians were packing up, Tom had decided that someday he would marry Suzann. And he was right. “It was just meant to be,” Eisenberg Murray said. After they married, they continued to twirl spontane-

AMBER PROCACCINI ously together in their kitchen. Eisenberg Murray’s eyes shine when she talks about Tom’s sense of humor, his gentle soul. Nine years after the wedding, Eisenberg Murray can- celed a breakfast meeting with her business partner so she could make breakfast for Tom. He wasn’t feeling well, recovering from a cold. She delivered him oatmeal with raisins, toast with homemade jam, on a tray that he dubbed the “I Love You” tray. He said, as he always did, that she was beautiful. Then he reached his arms out to her for a kiss, and she went off to work. When Eisenberg Murray got home, the house was dark, and she heard running water. She found her hus- band unconscious on the floor after suffering a stroke. The ambulance took him to the hospital, he was intu- bated, his clothes trimmed off in pieces on the floor. “It looked like a TV drama,” she said. She held his foot while the staff tended to him. A day after their oatmeal breakfast, Eisenberg Murray was talking to hospital staff, who suggested that she might want to have them remove Tom’s life support. Her eyes spilled over with tears, “I can never talk about it without crying. It’s a horrible decision to have to make.” After numerous consultations, she agreed that Suzann Eisenberg Murray removing the ventilator was the right thing for Tom. with a photo of her late Three days after their breakfast—on November 14, husband, Tom Murray 2004—Tom was gone. Birth of something new What helped Eisenberg Murray the most in coping Holding out the hand of friendship in the with her loss was when two women she knew profes- “ sionally reached out. They were widows, and invited midst of our pain, that’s the real definition of her to lunch. Eventually, it became a monthly “40-nap- kin” lunch, and from that, The Grief Project was born. humanity, of being on the planet together. Eisenberg Murray knew there was a need for the kind ” of companionship she longed for after Tom’s death. In — Suzann Eisenberg Murray 2005, she started an organization whose mission is “To Minnesota Women’s Press, November 2012 11 companion the bereaved as they discover new life after loss and to share our common journey.” The Grief Project’s focus is on supporting those who have lost a life partner. Members currently range from ages 23 to 60+ and tend to be female, although Eisenberg Murray is actively encouraging men to join the community. It’s not about “fixing” the pain Family owned Auto Body Shop for 50+ years The Grief Project enables men and women to “find their Donna M. Mulroy tribe,” to learn that they are “normal crazy” in their mourn- ing, to offer a “glimmer of light at our darkest time.” They 3920 Nicollet Ave. (612) 823-7257 talk about the traumatic milestones: what to do with the Minneapolis Free Loaners clothes in the closet, the shoes, the wedding ring. www.mulroysbodyshop.com “We are not trained counselors,” she said. “We are reg- ular people who lost our loved ones and had our hearts ripped out. I’m never so bold as to say, ‘I know just how you feel.’ But I can tell my story, and I can listen. “You can’t go around your grief. You can’t crawl under it. You can’t jump over it. You can only go through it. Having others with you to walk through it lightens the burden. The pain is still the pain, but you’re not as isolated,” she said. Eisenberg Murray takes pride in the outpouring of wel- come that members of The Grief Project extend to others. “Holding out the hand of friendship in the midst of our pain, that’s the real definition of humanity, of being on the planet together,” she said. What it is to survive For Eisenberg Murray, survival is about transformation. “When the casseroles are in the freezer, and the kids are back on the planes going home, and you walk back into a quiet house, it changes you forever. I’m a totally different person than the one who walked out of the hospital on the morning of November 14. And, in some ways, I’m a better person. My own grief journey has helped me see what is important, and what isn’t.” What matters, she said, is to “pay attention to the people you love.” In being able to talk out loud—about her joy, and her grief—Eisenberg Murray can experience, again and again, how grateful she is for the time she and Tom had together.

FFI: • www.griefproject.org • www.facebook.com/griefproject • As a lifelong journal writer, Suzann Eisenberg Murray started a blog after her husband’s death that unexpect- edly helped introduce her to people grieving worldwide. http://journeytoanewlife.blogspot.com/ • Sacred Journeys is an annual retreat facilitated by The Grief Project. “It’s about food, chocolate, tears, laughter, Kleenex, more chocolate, friendship, companionship, more tears,” Suzann Eisenberg Murray said. The next retreat will be held July 27-28, 2013, in Otsego. • Quarterly gatherings are held in January, April, July and October. They are free, currently with about 30 Unrivaled energy, skill and compassion in protecting members. The next gathering is Jan. 26, 2013. employee and consumer rights. Don’t settle for less. Visit us at Halunenlaw.com or call (612) 605–4098. 12 Minnesota Women’s Press, November 2012 BOOKSHELF Bootleg survival story MARY Dorie LaValle is married to a sweet, but incompetent farmer named Louie. DESJARLAIS Her education is from the one-room schoolhouse and when she tires of a life of poverty, she takes matters into her own hands and starts a business. It’s 1928 in Anoka County, people are often irritated at the world. Many read- desperate to drink and Dorie is only too ers reported that they didn’t like Dorie happy to serve hootch from her kitchen. at first, but later grew to understand her At the beginning of the novel, named for and love her. “Dorie LaValle,” she is naïve to the dan- A writer walks the line between want- gers and consequences of her business, ing to create a sympathetic character but as the story unfolds, Dorie encoun- that readers will fall in love with and ters Chicago mobsters, the somber sheriff in my case, how to make this character with a reverence for the law and the col- seem like a living, breathing person. lective scorn of the women Eventually Dorie, despite her flaws, of the town. She doesn’t realizes the deadly ramifications of her What I admire care what people think of business and tries to make amends to all. BOOKSHELF: - What I admire most about Dorie is her most about her and she flaunts the evi Mary DesJarlais recommends dence of her profits with herability to press forward under duress— these books with a strong flamboyant hat collection inshe grits her teeth and keeps going. sense of women survivors: Dorie is her a town where women wear Like most fictional characters, Dorie The Forever Marriage by is a patchwork of my experiences and dresses made from flour Ann Bauer ability to press sacks. She endures a loveless those of the women in my life. My oldest The River Wife forward under marriage while she longs for daughter was born with multiple cardiac children. She rebels against anomalies; my first husband was diag - by Jonis Agee duress—she the poverty that chains her nosed with brain cancer and endured We Were the Mulvaneys to Louie and the farm, and treatment for 10 years before he died. In by Joyce Carol Oates grits her teeth fights to protect her - busi the last year of his life, I was diagnosed The Master Butchers ness. Dorie is a survivor. and treated for breast cancer. I have Singing Club and keeps In preparation for writ- friends who are living with spouses with by Louise Erdrich ing this book I researched mental illness, alcoholism, children with going. the lives of the women of depression, elderly failing parents. Are Olive Kitteridge the prohibition era. It’s no we not all a bit like Dorie? Tough, endur- by Elizabeth Strout secret they had to do it all ing and determined to go on? without modern conveniences, such as Mary DesJarlais lives in St. Paul and Target or Amazon.com. They raised chil- works at the Minnesota Department dren, nursed the sick, cooked meals for of Labor and is working on her large families and farmhands, attended second historical fiction novel. church, midwifed animals and babies www.marydesjarlais.com alike, sewed clothes, kept house. Often their children died. Their husbands may What’s on your bookshelf? not have been of their choosing and Send us 450 words about your booklife, divorce was rare. These women were plus your list of five related books by survivors. women authors. editor@womenspress. Dorie is sometimes prickly, selfishcom and stubborn beyond reason. She is

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Leadervoice robYn Gen X & Gen Y philanthropists ScHein I believe that the stereotype of philanthropists being all white, bearded, older men, who sit around in a boardroom, needs to be changed … and is changing. In almost 90 percent of households, craves experiences beyond writing a women are the sole decision maker or check. They act out their philanthropy an equal partner in charitable choices, by volunteering, serving on committees according to a recent study from the and providing input. Center on Philanthropy at Indiana While the field and practice of - phi University. lanthropy is evolving, we should In my role at The Minneapolis remember that the term “philanthropy” Foundation I am fortunate to work with finds its root in the “love of mankind.” young professionals who are interested Regardless of economic status, race or in better understanding the needs of gender, people carry out their love and our community and developing their spirit of generosity in a multitude of I do believe skills as philanthropists. Their motiva- ways that make a difference in our com- that we need to tions range from a desire to make a dif- munity. However, I do believe that we ference in the Twin Cities to wanting to need to alter the existing stereotype of alter the exist- be smarter with their charitable dollars. philanthropist. We need to start by own- ing stereotype of Yet, none would say it is because they ing the title and creating a new image— want to be a “philanthropist.” a diverse boardroom with equity of gen- philanthropist. The majority of young profession- der, age and race. We need to start als I work with are highly educated, Robyn Schein manages The Minneapolis by owning the career-driven women in their late 20s to Foundation’s “Fourth Generation” early 40s. They are applying their career program, an experiential program title and creating skills—whether it be as accountants for the next generation of givers. a new image. evaluating nonprofit budgets or as- lawwww.fourthgenfund.org yers making a persuasive case for the organization that they love—to have an Gotavoice? impact in the community. We’d like to hear it. For writer’s guide- Regardless of gender, I am seeing lines, go to www.womenspress.com, click young people (Gen X and Gen Y) asking on “AboutUs.” Email your 450-word how they can receive the greatest return personal essay to editor@womenspress. on their investment and willing to take com a risk on a new organization with a clear sustainable model. This generation also 16 Minnesota Women’s Press, November 2012 SHESAID SHANNON DRURY My feminist survival kit I love feminism, but it doesn’t always love me. In fact, the very movement that has given me so much (from the right to vote to the Women’s National Basketball Association) has also provided me with more than my fair share of headaches and anxiety attacks. Feminism by definition requires an volume of garbage I was consuming in the awareness of systemic injustice, which is name of “information.” As my Internet not a great feeling. It is exhausting to have speed improves, the cacophony amplifies a constantly functioning injustice detector, and multiplies, until it threatens to drown even when one is in Target Center, rooting everything else in my head. I’m learning for a professional women’s team that didn’t that I can write an angry blog post about exist a generation ago. Unfortunately, star Todd Akin tomorrow. Today, however, I Feminist women forward Maya Moore’s flawless jump shot can turn the computer off. may be better will be ignored by the Twin Cities media if 3. Honesty. Feminist women may be bet - Viking Adrian Peterson so much as bruises ter equipped to combat gender program - equipped to his pinky while mowing his lawn. ming, but we are by no means immune to (On second thought, that would never combat gender the impulse to take care of everyone else’s happen—Peterson makes too much money needs before our own. Burnout is painful programming, as a pro athlete to do his own yard work. but entirely preventable if we have the - Olympic gold medalist and world cham courage to make our frustrations known. but we are by no pion Moore probably has to yank her own 4. Therapy. I don’t mean retail therapy, means immune dandelions.) See what I mean? No wonder feminists chocolate therapy or wine therapy—I to the impulse have a reputation for being surly and mean old-fashioned, honest-to-goodness, unpleasant! It doesn’t help that I can’t surf talk therapy with a licensed mental health - to take care of to Facebook without seeing some new professional. A quick glance at this maga zine’s classified advertising section or everyone else’s knucklehead in power claiming to be an expert on “legitimate rape,” among other online Directory will reveal numerous needs before things. feminist therapists who offer sliding scale - fees, so do not let that fear deter you. I our own. It is now my pleasure (hell, my obliga tion—see tip No. 3) to provide you with think everyone, feminist or not, deserves the essentials to feminist survival in the a good therapist upon whom to unload, 21st century: a person who is not obligated to agree that everything is your boss’, spouse’s, or 1. Humor. At the end of an exhausting mother’s fault. A great therapist is some- day, I usually turn to my husband and one who challenges you to learn more - say, “Let’s watch something really stu about yourself as you untangle the knots pid on TV.” People tell me that I should in your heart and mind—and feminists are be watching intelligent, complex dramas quite knotty people (if you don’t believe like “Breaking Bad” or “Mad Men,” but I me, see tip No. 1). prefer Snooki’s unabashed lunacy any day. Even better is the over-the-top theatrics of A quick Tweet about this column’s topic - the queens on “RuPaul’s Drag Race,” the generated many other suggestions, includ - greatest show on television. I’d advise you ing but not limited to: patience, stubborn to stream it right now at Logo TV online if ness, Aretha Franklin albums, a properly my next tip weren’t for you to find…. fitted bra. I’m out of space, but not ideas— the feminist survival kit, like feminism 2. Quiet. Last fall I took a Mindfulness itself, is definitely a work in progress. Based Stress Reduction course. While I Shannon Drury is a self-described radical wish I could say I kept up my meditation housewife. She lives in Minneapolis. practice regularly (hit or miss is more like it), the class opened my eyes to the sheer Minnesota Women’s Press, November 2012 17 ONYOURMIND Homeless no more SUSANNIZ

As a homeless teenager, I clearly recall the sensation of stepping outside of my own being and viewing myself. I found myself in gritty, perilous situations, ones that called for me to act or react smartly in order to survive. One wrong move and I could have been quite literally lured into a dark alley, a compromising situation. This disjointing of self wasn’t conscious or The remedy is the beauty and joy, the hope intentional; it was involuntary. The alterna- and love that life can provide with patience tive—panic or an emotional breakdown—was and nurturing. The biggest gift to self is not an option when my safety was at stake. I investing in others, as with becoming a par- only had myself to rely on, and there was no ent and also with recognizing the stories and foreseeable escape. In order to continue, my struggles of other people. Nurturing posi- mind broke apart what makes up “me” into tive growth in others helps heal the past and pieces. I struggled to process or identify—to creates strength within. For me, this devo- The biggest gift name or comprehend my terrifying reality. tion creates contrast and healthy perspective to self is invest- In my novel, “Kara, Lost,” 16-year-old Kara between my present and my past and makes experiences this throughout her journey. the nightmares more distant. So many have ing in others, as With nowhere else to go, Kara finds herself survived in so many ways and sometimes spending the night in a squat [an abandoned we can begin to thrive by documenting and with becoming a apartment]. In the morning she sees in full sharing our experiences through art and lit- parent and also daylight the grungy room where she had just erature. spent the night. I imagined myself escaping to I never used to talk about my experiences. with recogniz- the other side of the window. Looking in, I saw a Writing “Kara, Lost” gave me a voice. Now lost, cornered girl who couldn’t find her way out the pieces of me are much more connected; I ing the stories of anything. I knew that this image would never am more whole. That girl who floated above and struggles of leave me. Kara detaches herself in order to me like a kite is now in my arms. I can talk cope with her reality. This moment is pulled to her, give her words to go with what she other people. directly from my own memory. saw and embrace her as she feels the past, but Save yourself. Divide yourself into pieces. mostly the present. She’s alive and well. She That way your circumstances cannot con- survived. She shared. sume all of you, I told myself. The clincher is Susan Niz lives in Eagan and is the author of that life is long and one day I began the strug- “Kara, Lost.” In 2011, she was a finalist for a gle of making myself whole again. That piece Midwest Book Award in Literary Fiction. of me that floated above—my tissue paper susannizfiction.blogspot.com self held by a taut, fine thread—may have experienced temporary reprieve, but she was FFI: To find out how to support youth experi- a witness. She saw it all and was not forget- encing homelessness in Minnesota, visit ting anytime soon. I struggle with it. That was The Link at www.thelinkmn.org/get-involved me? But it’s like a dream, like watching a movie. It must be reconciled.

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Gain the skills and credentials you need to improve the lives of women. The Humphrey Institute of Public Affairs offers degree and certificate options for mid-career professionals, and is one of the only schools in the nation offering a concentration in Women and Public Policy. theology & the Arts A concentration in M.A. and M.Div. degrees explore at unitedseminary.edu Learn more at United Theological Seminary www.hhh.umn.edu of the twin cities 612-624-3800 3000 Fifth Street Northwest New Brighton, MN 55112-2598 Minnesota Women’s Press, November 2012 19

LEADERVOICE JENNIFER Expand the ‘village’ GODINEZ A racial equity and excellence in education movement

How will Minnesota “close the achievement gap”? Reaching the goal of racial equity in education and eliminating race as a predictor of academic outcomes will not take one policy or one program or one excellent teacher—it will take a move- ment. Closing the gap will take different practices in education and a belief in everyone’s inherent talent and worth. As a first-generation daughter of Mexican Today, I sit proudly as a public policy ana- immigrants who attended college and gradu- lyst and social movement leader in educa- ate school in the U.S., I get this at a very per- tion in the nonprofit sector. I’ve been told sonal level. that I’ve raised the standards in this profes- My parents had limited English skills and sion. Contrary to some against race equity, no The biggest little experience with U.S. public and col- “standards were lowered” by having a differ- lege systems—but a strong public education ent voice and a different perspective like mine lesson in my system and public school teachers comple- in the nonprofit sector. mented my parents’ support with the knowl- Of course, several women and male lead- story is that all backgrounds edge and skills I needed to be successful in ers of supported my pathway. dreams and school and college. The schools listened to Foundation program officers funded my col- my parents and my parents became partners lege and graduate school scholarships. They talents of girls with the teachers for my success. The public had a vision for a more racially just society policy context behind my schooling was evi- and made the sufficient case to their boards to of color are dent—Latina girls (unlike past historical eras invest equitably in this daughter of immigrants of segregation) had the same rights to college and many other generations of children of endless. preparation classes and entrance to college as color. anyone else. The biggest lesson in my story is that Next in my development was a strong non- dreams and talents of girls of color are end- profit organization whose mission it is to train less—so it is our systems, institutions and more Latinas and Latinos—equally—in prep- public policies that have a large role in shap- aration for college and community life. Public ing the opportunities and pathways to realize policy around equal treatment for women every girl’s dreams and talents. in higher education ensured that whatever Jennifer Godinez is the associate direc- major I was interested in studying (unlike his- tor of the Minnesota Minority Education torical limitations for women of only studying Partnership, www.mmep.org. “female” professions), I could study. 20 Minnesota Women’s Press, November 2012 Education Interactive training • Guide Convenient half-day sessions • 651-221-4722 See more education you and your business For • ads on the next pages comped.smm.org

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universityofstthomas 22 Minnesota Women’s Press, November 2012 COVERARTIST Survivor Barbie Nicole Houff’s artwork puts a modern twist on a classic girlhood favorite “Thanksgiving Barbie” by Norma Smith Olson Barbie is a survivor. The ever-popular doll made by Mattel® toy company is over 50 years old and has had over 100 careers. Minneapolis photographer Nicole Houff collects Barbies for more than play. As an artist, she places Barbie in different set- tings, adding a twist of whimsy and sometimes a bit of sarcasm to the scenes. While “Thanksgiving Barbie,” on the cover of this magazine, looks the perfect 1950s housewife serving up an enormous turkey on a platter, there is a hint of a little helper in the background. Retro spoof “I always try to keep my Barbie stuff really fun. I love doing the retro thing, that mid-century look, but I also like to do a little bit of a spoof on the concept of the happy housewife from the ’50s, like you see in the TV shows,” Houff said. “I like to add the wine glasses. You see the ‘Leave it to Beaver’-type ladies, but they have happy pills or something. I try to keep it really fun and lighthearted.” Houff already had the perfect, hostess-looking, retro Barbie (with turkey and tray), when she had a chance conversation at her art festival booth with a collector who described her 1950s Barbie Kitchen. “Oh, my gosh!” Houff said. “The perfect stranger” loaned Houff the toy environment and the “Thanksgiving Barbie” scene was cooked up. “Hula Barbie” Once she has a background setting, Houff sketches out the composition, figures out props—she searches eBay regularly for Barbies and accessories, thinks about the lighting. Then she heads to the studio for the shoot. According to Houff, the shooting takes quite a few hours “to get all of the little minutia dialed in. When you’re looking at a Barbie everything is so small, so if something moves even a millimeter it completely changes the composition. “When I shot the Thanksgiving scene, I didn’t want any other doll in there. She’s doing all of the work, she’s going to be hosting this big Thanksgiving, and yet she’s by herself, with two wine glasses. Maybe her loved one is supposed to be there, maybe her husband, I don’t know.” She likes to let the viewer create their own stories and draw their own conclusions. Passion and patience “I really enjoy the technical aspects,” said Houff, who has a “To Boldly Go Barbie” Bachelor of Arts degree from Macalester—where she first got Minnesota Women’s Press, November 2012 23 interested in photography—and an associate degree in photog- “If you do follow your raphy and digital imaging from Minneapolis Community and heart, you don’t have to Technical College. “My entire life is basically photography. The Barbie stuff is be afraid. Plenty of people a part-time job,” Houff said. Monday through Friday Hough don’t like my work. I read a works at Armour Photography as a studio associate and pro- ducer’s assistant. review on a blog by some- “Thanksgiving Barbie” went pretty smoothly for Houff. “It one who said it’s not even was meant to be. Everything worked in my favor, the back- artwork. But, I feel really ground, the doll, the outfit. I didn’t have to do a lot of trouble- shooting.” strongly for my artwork. That’s not always the case. “Some of them have fought with me the whole time, like it doesn’t want to get shot.” The most I do follow my heart when challenging: “Hula Barbie.” Hawaiian setting and accessories, I make it. I’m happy with it. with Elvis and Ken dolls in the background competing for coco- That’s all that matters. nut-bra-wearing Barbie’s favor, the scene is now one of Houff’s favorites. “You wouldn’t know it to look at it. Everything that If you can exude that in could go wrong, did. It finally came together. It holds a special your artwork, it transends. place.” “My survival kit and Barbie’s would be quite different,” Houff It speaks for itself. We live concluded. “I would have to have a camera. I can’t imagine in a place where everybody going through my life without being able to take photos. I don’t Nicole Houff think Barbie would require a camera, although she has had over gets an opinion and that 100 careers in her 53 years, and some of them have had cameras. makes the art community She was a TV camera person and fashion editor—those came with a camera. So, maybe she would have a camera, but I think that much stronger.” in Barbie’s survival kit would be an awesome personal shopper — Nicole Houff and really good shoes.” FFI: www.nicolehouff.com

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CLOses 11/25 ‘I am doing the best I can’ Exhibit of two- and three-dimensional works by envi- ronment artist Alis Olsen and mixed-media artist Laurie Kigner. The exhibit title is inspired by a story told by Wangari Maathai, Nobel Peace Prize-recipient, about a hummingbird attempting to put out a forest fire while larger animals watch and discourage its tiny efforts. Free, Mon.-Thurs., 10 a.m.-4 p.m., Sun., 8:30 a.m.- 12:30 p.m. White Bear Unitarian Universalist Church, 328 Maple St., Mahtomedi. FFI: 651-426-2369. “Woven Oak,” Laurie Kigner Opens 11/2 11/8 THURsDAY ‘In the next Room’ Women in construction (or The Vibrator play) “On Equal Terms,” a presentation and dis-

DREW TRAMPE DREW Comedy set in the Victorian cussion framing the effort to open construc- era about the early history of tion industry careers to women, presented the vibrator, when doctors by Susan Eisenberg, used it as a clinical device to artist/author/activist/ treat women for “hysteria.” electrician. Followed by 2010 Tony-nominated play by a panel discussion with Sarah Ruhl, directed by Sarah women working in the Rasmussen. Through Dec. 16. construction trades in the Times/prices vary. The Jungle Twin Cities. Free, Christina Baldwin as Catherine Givings in “In the Next Room” Theater, 2951 Lyndale Ave. 7 p.m. 278 McNeal Hall, S., Mpls. FFI: 612-822-7063 or University of Minnesota, www.jungletheater.com 1985 Buford Ave., St. Paul. FFI: http:// design.umn.edu

The Friends of the Saint Paul Public Library and The Advocates for Human Rights present an ongoing series of films and discussions focusing on the global issue of women’s human rights: “The Invisible War” Tuesday, November 13, 7 p.m. Metropolitan State University, Founder’s Hall Auditorium 700 E. Seventh Street, Saint Paul, MN 55106 Call The Friends at A groundbreaking investigative documentary about one of 651-222-3242 America’s most shameful secrets – the epidemic of rape within for more information the U.S. military where, today, a female soldier in combat or visit us online at zones is more likely to be raped by a fellow soldier than killed www.thefriends.org by enemy fire. “The Invisible War” exposes this under-reported for a complete lineup of FREE events. epidemic to the world. A discussion follows the film. Minnesota Women’s Press, November 2012 25 www.womenspress.com GoSeeDo Guide

11/8 THURSDAY Even at 20ºF we’re extra HOT Poetry and peace Come in to warm your heart and body with our A panel of award-winning Minnesota poets discusses the delicious food. role of poetry as a voice for justice and peace. Participants include Heid Erdrich, Carol Connolly, Mary Rose O’Reilley and Sun Yung Shin. $20, 7 p.m. Wisdom Ways Center for Spirituality, Carondelet Center, 1890 Randolph Ave., St. Paul. FFI: 651-696-2788 or www.wisdomwayscenter.org Award Winning Thai Cuisine Check out our locations, delivery and buffet at 11/10 SATURDAY www.sawatdee.com฀•฀612-338-6451 Sing songs of peace Come sing peace songs with Women Against Military Madness (WAMM) and Community SINGS! A benefit for WAMM. $15 adults, $5 kids, $25 family. 7-8:30 p.m. EILEN JEWELL NOV 8 The Minneapolis Eagle’s Club 2507 E. 25th St., Mpls. With a sound that combines folk, country, blues and pop, Idaho-born, Boston-based singer- FFI: 612-827-5364 or www.worldwidewamm.org songwriter Eilen Jewell crafts a distinct style that draws on roots music without sounding needlessly old-fashioned.

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GoSeeDo Guide www.womenspress.com 11/12 & 11/13 Bettye Lavette sings 11/29 Classic soul singer celebrates 50 ThursDAY years in the business. Her new CD is rosie herrera titled “Thankful n’ Thoughtful”; her performs new autobiography is “A Woman Like Miami’s leading Me.” $45, 7 p.m. Dakota Jazz Club, 1010 cutting-edge Nicollet Mall, Mpls. FFI: 612-332-1010 or choreographer www.dakotacooks.com and theater artist combines modern dance, ballet, drag, 11/28 sATurDAY burlesque, hip hop and opera. $18 ‘Before the Lights Go Out’ adults. 7:30 p.m. Science blogger and journalist Maggie The O’Shaughnessy Koerth-Baker reads from her book about at St. Catherine energy consumption issues and solu- University, tions. The book draws from her more 2004 Randolph than two years of research on our elec- Ave., St. Paul. trical grid, electric cars, fracking, passive FFI: 651-690-6700 buildings and more. She is joined at this or www. event by Ellen Anderson, senior advi- theoshaughnessy. sor to Gov. Mark Dayton on energy and com environmental issues. Co-sponsored by Women’s Environmental Network. Free, 7 p.m. Common Good Books, 38 S. Snelling Ave., St. Paul. FFI: 651-225-8989 or www.commongoodbooks.com

See more calendar listings online at www.womenspress.com HISTORY THEATRE’S 35TH ANNIVERSARY SEASON Look for the MN Women’s Press at these events: • Home Improvement & Design Expo—Maple Grove, Nov. 3 CHRISTMAS • Breaking Free’s 3rd Annual Breakfast, Nov. 10 • Booked for the Evening, Nov. 12 • Girlfriend’s Getaway & Expo, Nov. 16-17 • American Foundation For Suicide Prevention Events OF SWING • Dakota Jazz Club performances by Bob Beverage • League of Women Voters—South Tonka Branch Events • MN Women In Networking (WIN) Events Music arranged by David Lohman • U of MN Women’s Center Events Nov. 24–Dec. 23, 2012 • Women’s Initiative for Self Empowerment (WISE) Events Share some holiday cheer with • Women Wisdom and Wine Events the girls from Minnesota who grew up to become the sweethearts of World War II. This musical reimagining of the Andrews Sisters’ USO show is a treat for the whole family— from the newest generation to the Greatest Generation and everyone in between. WWII veterans are invited to attend for FREE. Holiday shopping made easy: HISTORY THEATRE GIFT CERTIFICATES!

651.292.4323 30 E. 10th St., St. Paul www.HistoryTheatre.com Minnesota Women’s Press, November 2012 27 YOURSTORY I WAS a victim, I AM a survivor AMYROGERS I was a thin, fearful child. When I was small, I ate paper. Sheets and sheets of note- book paper, typing paper, tissues, whatever paper I could find, ball up and cram in my mouth. I would chew the wrinkled pulpy wad until it became soft, and a rare, ever elusive feeling of safety and calm would wash over me. It would never last though, and soon I would be anxiously wadding up another and another, nearly choking on the wet, gagging lumps but unable to stop myself. Toothpaste too—gobs and gobs of brightly A victim is cloaked in fear, shame and intim- striped Aquafresh, medallions of chalky pas- idation. You are marked, you’ve been abused, tel blue Crest. It burned my mouth and made there must be something wrong with you to me want to vomit, but still I could not stop. make someone want to hurt and destroy you. Salt pellets from the hot water heater and bits Surviving abuse does not mean just getting I do sometimes of rock salt from the horse pastures. The salt through it. It means getting OVER it, over would sting and make my lips and tongue the pain, the fear, the stigma of the abuse. It remember a raw, but still I would suck and crunch on the is forgiving your abuser, so you can forgive sparkling white chunks until there was noth- yourself. It is not forgetting, not ever forget- nervous and ing left, nothing but a sore mouth and a mem- ting, but it is refusal to allow your abuser to frightened girl ory of the sharpness and pain. define and control who you are. It is finding I ate plastic, erasers, bits of wood, card- your strength, and not hurting yourself any- alone in her room board, straw—you name it, I ate it, though I more because it was all you knew how to do. trembled from shame and fear of discovery. I didn’t ask to be brought into this world. I trying to fill her There was a huge gaping hole right through did not ask to be hit, to be hurt, to be hated, to empty heart with my core that I was trying to fill. Searching for be used as an adult punching bag and object something, anything, to absorb the hurt, to of loathing and abuse. But I was given this gobs of paper. heal the wound. path to walk for a reason, and I survived my I was abused as a child. I was diagnosed abuse to find that reason. with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from Every single day, a reason to go on. years of abuse inflicted by the very ones- supAs an adult, I no longer exhibit symptoms posed to protect me. Move or raise a hand too of pica, the urge to eat non-food items. But quickly and I will gasp and shrink away in I do sometimes remember a nervous and terror. Fling open a door and I will startle and frightened girl alone in her room trying to jump out of my skin, heart hammering wildly. fill her empty heart with gobs of paper. It Old nightmares never fade, especially not plugged up the emptiness, somehow making those that happened when you were awake. her life just a little more manageable, if only Yet being a survivor of abuse is not about for a fleeting moment. being a victim. I WAS a victim, I AM a survi- Amy Rogers lives in Tampa, Fla. vor. There is a vast difference.

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Meadow Woods Assisted Living November 18 The spirit of the season comes alive in our serene residential setting on the Minnesota River bluffs. 272-01-0101 • 272-01-070 272-01-0101 • 272-01-070 Skylark Opera Delight in dozens of uniquely decorated indoor trees & decorations - now throughout our entire campus! 1 pm • Delicious Food • Prizes and give-aways & Beverages • Music, carolers and Free & Open to the public! • Horse drawn carriage rides much more Sundays at Landmark programming is sponsored by: For more information call 952-888-1010 or Travelers & Ramsey County www.martinluthercampus.com 1301-1041 East 100th St. Bloomington, MN 55425 An Ebenezer-managed community www.landmarkcenter.org | 75 W. 5th Street | St. Paul, MN 55102 Minnesota Women’s Press, November 2012 31 Get creative What to do with family photos by Kathy Magnuson Sometimes they show up in conversation or in physical reality at holidays when families get together. Some people have them in the basement or in the attic. For others they are in the back of a closet or even under a bed. You love them and at the same time feel the burden of needing to do something with them. They are the boxes of family photos—the So how do you get your arms around that family legacy that never got put into albums. big box? Thompson has these suggestions: They might include first days of school, mom • Ask yourself where you want to get and dad’s wedding, summer travel vacations, started. What is most important or … and all those birthday parties. Your photos exciting to you? hold the stories of generations and of every- day moments. Don’t necessarily start at the beginning. Instead of starting with the 30-year-old pho- What do you do with them and how? tos, start with the most recent ones and work Karen Thompson of Creative Memories, a backwards. St. Cloud-based company with a majority of Or pick your favorite photos—the ones that women independent business owners, sug- make you smile every time you see them. Go gests that family photo collections can actu- from there. “When you take a look ally be a de-stressor instead of adding stress A big life event can be an entry point. to your life. Consider starting with a wedding or a birth. back at the things you “There’s a benefit of spending time with have done and the trips photos,” Thompson said. “When you take a • For a family holiday activity have family look back at the things you have done and members hand write their own memories you have taken, or just the trips you have taken, or just the daily or comments on the pages of an album. the daily moments in moments in life, it helps you realize that you Thompson finds that people’s stories are have a lot of good in your life.” She evenoften told in the “in between moments, the life, it helps you realize believes that family photos are a helpful tool everyday moments” with friends and family in raising happy, confident kids. “When they doing the things we love to do. She invites us that you have a lot of can see ’their tribe,’ their family, their friends, to celebrate those, too. “There are as many good in your life.” it helps them to feel grounded, secure and different stories as there are people.” comfortable. Not just children benefit, every- FFI: www.creativememories.com — Karen Thompson one benefits from looking back at the things you have done and things that matter to you.”

4 Angels Creations Peace Ceramic Fibres angels handmade Stitching with love a Soulful to encourage World healing and by Karen Lohn harmony for the receiver. Special healing ~ harmony ~ peace holiday savings! photos on Details at www.4angelscreations.com www.peacefibres.com 612-803-9159 [email protected] 32 Minnesota Women’s Press, November 2012 YOURTHOUGHTS For November’s “A woman’s survival kit”-themed issue we asked readers to tell us a story about a woman who survived. Read more readers’ stories of survival in the YourThoughts section at www.womenspress.com Comfort in repetition Survival story? Which one? The domestic routines performed by women in my family Gosh, I wonder which survival story I should tell? Being were manifestations of love, and a means for grieving when ostracized because my parents owned a bar and were the first to a loved one died. Often the expression of grief comes out in a divorce in my tiny rural Catholic hometown? Bullied because I repetitive activity, one we know very well, and perhaps do every was a fat kid? A date rape that made me feel like damaged goods day. for decades? Destructive drug and alcohol addiction? Being Years ago, my grandmother lived in Ipswich, S.D. Following destitute and homeless—more than once? Having a complete her husband’s death, she sat in her rocking chair and crocheted stranger stab me 11 times with an ice pick for no apparent rea- edges on handkerchiefs. She made hun- son? Getting run over by a city bus? Being a solo parent while dreds of hankies. Neighbors and towns- living in poverty? Dealing with major chronic illnesses including people brought her their hankies. She daily excruciating pain? crocheted hundreds more. The conclusion of this series of survival stories is that I can After my mother died, I unconsciously honestly say I’m not bitter and that I still find life to be an- awe reached for similar comforting rhythms some and very delightful journey. My message to those who’re of repetition. My grief was expressed still in survival mode: Keep the faith, things get better. through a paintbrush and paper. I started Miranda, Shoreview making marks—hundreds of them—out on my deck, all over my living room, White plates, full circles dining room, they spread out every- In 1966, to my dismay and to my parents’ horror, I became where, covering all the spaces in my an “unwed mother.” When I started to show, I quit school and house. I realized these marks reflected inwas sent away to work for my keep at various families’ houses. an unspoken way my feelings about my Later, I was moved to “the home,” which was not a home at all mother’s death. but a series of cold rooms with bars on the windows, operated Through my grandmother’s sprit, I by mostly punitive nuns. At night, trying to fall asleep on my cot had developed a visual language of my with a bit of moonlight comfort seeping through the bars, I held own for grieving and a whole new body my stomach, knowing I would never be able to hold my baby. of artwork. The girls at the home were told to never look back. To never tell Mary Simon-Casati, Minneapolis anyone about this black spot on our souls. To go on with our Editor’s Note: Mary Simon-Casati’s lives. My baby boy was born in July. I held him once, counted his exhibit, “Memento Mori: Cartography fingers and toes and kissed him goodbye forever. of Grief,” opens Nov. 30, 2012 at Traffic I went on, because that is what people do. I carried my secret Zone Center for Visual Arts, Minneapolis. for a long time. It was always there, but I pushed it away to some www.mscasati.com. uppermost shelf within myself. Twenty years later, I met my son. He was tall and he looked like me. He said he had always wanted to meet me. At our first dinner together, we ate the whole Thriving, not just surviving of our lives on white plates, full circles. Linda Back McKay, Minneapolis Survivor is my claim, actually I prefer “Thriver.” I’ve had cancer twice in the last 23 years. But it’s not about surviving. Editor’s Note: Linda Back McKay is the author of “Out of the It’s about thriving and living life to its fullest every day, even Shadows: Stories of Adoption and Reunion.” through the death of my first husband at 47 and divorce fromwww.lindabackmckay.com my second husband. There are many things that have contributed to my resil- I will not roll over and play dead! iency—my family, friends, faith and positive attitude to name One third of women in the world have experienced sexual, a few. But I had to learn to ask for help and then actually allow physical, emotional or other abuse in their lifetime according to others to support me. the Stop Violence Against Women, (STOPVAW) website by The As a single mom with two sons in college, I lived alone. I Advocates for Human Rights. A form of survival that is often remember going to chemotherapy and scheduling treatment for overlooked when it comes to women, is survival of verbal abuse. Friday afternoons so I could go to work the next week. I’d come The biggest obstacle I have overcome is turning a deaf ear to the home and spend the weekend in bed. barking of verbal commands. I was controlled by a person whose My neighbor offered to drive me to treatment and stay own desires and pleasures came before concern for the safety with me. I said, ”No Nell, I can do that.” She got furious and and well-being of others. I have come to realize that I’m not responded, “You have to let others help you.” I learned the valu- somebody’s animal who can be controlled by a leash or muzzled able lesson that a gift is not a gift unless there is a receiver. It’s in order to remain silent, but a strong-minded confident young the cycle of giving that is such an important part of “surviving woman who can teach others by example. and thriving” as well. Genia Voitsekhovskaya, Minneapolis Betsy Stites, Woodbury FFI: www.stopvaw.org/Stop_Violence_Against_Women Minnesota Women’s Press, November 2012 33

I stand with courage One step after another Wired woman On November 1, 2008, I collapsed in my I kept looking down. I put one foot in I ‘survived’ the first 27 years of my bedroom doorway. I was rushed to the hos- front of me, then the other. I didn’t dare life without a proper medical diagnosis. pital and told I would be paralyzed from look up because I was afraid I would I had inadvertently been misdiagnosed the waist down for the rest of my life. fall, twisting an ankle, breaking a leg, or for many years, and yet the problems Acceptance was the first step in my tumbling over the edge. continued. I was born with a congenital recovery process. I realized I needed to I was on a four-day, 48-kilometer trek heart block and, I believe, as a female the work with what I had left. I began strug- to Machu Picchu, a precipitous upward seriousness was not taken into consider- gling daily to do the best I could despite my climb. On the second day, after 12 hours’ ation. “She is just a girl, she will outgrow disability. A year of therapy got me on my struggle to a mountain pass at nearly it.” feet. Two years of grueling pool and land 14,000 feet, I began to cry. I was at the Outgrow it? I had endured chronic therapy got me walking and even driving. mid-point. I had no choice but to keep fainting spells and a general feeling of When I found out I was going to be a putting one foot after another for two being “unwell” from childhood to adult- grandmother for the first time, I was over- more days. I thought about what awaited hood. When I was finally diagnosed, it joyed. In fact, my granddaughter and I me at the end of each day—a hot meal, a turns out those “fainting spells” were learned how to walk together. Courage, place to sleep and my husband. actually my heart stopping. My heart determination and faith kept me moving Then I thought about women in terri- was ready to give up prior to the diag- forward. ble places like labor camps in Cambodia nosis, so to all of those doctors who pre- Courage does not always make the front or in the Third Reich, with no meal, no scribed cod liver oil or “magic pills,” it’s page of the newspaper. Every day each of safe place to sleep, no kind words. I felt no thanks to you that I managed to sur- us experiences hurdles we must overcome. so ashamed for crying. And I realized vive while my heart was dying. Some are hardly noticed while others chal- we can often endure what might seem I am now 48 years old, healthy, happy lenge us to become stronger than we ever unendurable. and implanted with a pacemaker. thought we could be. Ellen J. Kennedy, Edina Dawn Huberty, Maplewood Kathi Holmes, Minnetonka Editor’s note: Ellen J. Kennedy is the Editor’s Note: Dawn Huberty is the Editor’s Note: Kathi Holmes is the author executive director of World Without founder of WIRED4LIFE, a nonprofit

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The Editor’s Note: Lynn requested that we not use her last Publisher will not be liable for slight changes or typographical errors that do not lessen the value name. She lives in central Minnesota. of an advertisement. It is the responsibility of the advertiser to check the accuracy of the ad. Minnesota Women’s Press, November 2012 35 Classifiedads attorneys Career Counseling & Coaching Counseling continued Resources continued continued SLETTEN LAW OFFICE. Specializing in continued YOU DON’T HAVE TO STAY stuck in DIANA SNYDER, LICSW. Psychody- estate planning, wills, probate, trusts. Of- BALANCING ACT FOR MOMS. Make the same old patterns—you can make namic and eclectic, creative approach. fices in St. Paul and Plymouth. Flexible work life choices true to you. Career real changes in your life. Gentle alterna- 24 years of experience. Individual and scheduling and appointments. Karen E. 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Helping Minnesota non-profits help others

People who devote their lives and careers to the greater good have our complete respect and admiration, and we’re glad to have the opportunity to help. We encourage our team members to volunteer, and we help with financial donations, too. In 2011, Wells Fargo contributed over $10.7 million to Minnesota non-profits, while our team members logged over 150,000 volunteer hours. We hope we helped make a difference. Our thanks to all of the Minnesota non-profits who make things better every day.

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