CONTENTS

3 Introduction 4 Cast and Crew 5 Scene and Song Order 6 Biographies 11 Conversation 13 Failed Auditions 14 Timeline 16 Digitalia Varsitana 17 Lecture Notes 18 Varsity Show Gossip 19 Acknowledgements & DVD/CD Ordering Info

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Typographical Note The text of The Blue and White is set in Bodoni Old Face, which was revived by Günter Gerhard Lange based on original designs by Giambattista Bodoni of Parma (active 1765–1813). The display faces are Weiss and Cantoria.

2 The Blue & White The Varsity Show 3 THE BLUE AND WHITE THE VARSITY SHOW PLAYBILL

ignificant alliances, partnerships, and coalitions are formed everywhere, every day. Who, for example, could forget the 1939 Nazi-Soviet Pact? Not Poland! For that matter, mutu- ally-beneficial exchanges play an integral role even at our fine school. Between Columbia College and SEAS students: “You do my problem set, I’ll read the Iliad for you.” Between the ladies of Barnard and Columbia: “You Take Back The Night, we’ll give you back your men.” Between the Office of University Development and the United Arab Emirates: “You give us 2.1 million dol- lars, we’ll give you an Edward Said Chair for Middle Eastern Studies.” Over the last two years, the Varsity Show and The Blue and White have enjoyed their own especially rewarding relationship. For instance, dur- ing tonight’s performance of Off Broadway, the Varsity Show will prove remarkably adept at wowing the audience with catchy tunes, flashy lights, and jokes at Barnard’s expense (it’s so easy). But what is the audience expected to do while waiting for the show to begin? Enter The Blue and White. In this playbill, we have prepared enough pre-show entertainment to ensure that audience members will not feel obligated to make small talk with the ugly people sitting around them. Simply turn to the Varsity Show “Timeline” and you will find that what we lack in historical accu- racy we make up for in historical innaccuracy. Then, check out “Digitalia Varsitana,” in which we simply transcribed amusing tidbits from the cre- ative team’s notebooks (we only wish we were imaginative enough to write this kind of material on command). And what would The Blue and White be without gossip? The Columbia Review, with a better typeface, perhaps? To stave off this fate, we proudly offer you stories of backstage backstab- bing in “Varsity Show Gossip.” One may wonder what The Blue and White gets in return for its efforts. Let’s just say it’s the kind of irreplaceable satisfaction that warms the souls of writers and artists everywhere. And we’ll be drinking plenty of it at the Cast Party. –Craig B. Hollander

This Varsity Show Playbill is made possible by the generous support of the Undergrad- uate Housing Council.

2 The Blue & White The Varsity Show 3 Cast and Crew

Jordan Barbour Eli Havenmeyer & Milos Kate Berthold Shirley Greenberg Blair Bodine Maya Luciana Colapinto Shauna Nic Cory Melvin W. Sanchez Ben Smith Professor Kenneth Jackson Krista Worby Pigeon & Trixie Alana Weiss Vivian Paul Wright Henry L. Hale Patrick Young Sid Havemeyer

Creative Team Production DIRECTOR David Paul STAGE MANAGER Mary Duckett PRODUCERS Paul Gelinas ASSISTANT DIRECTOR Jillian Apfelbaum & Chris Keitel ASSISTANT STAGE MANAGERS Philippa Ainsley WRITERS C. Mason Wells & Anna Goodkind & Spencer Kaplan COMPOSER Jaime Madell SCENIC DESIGNER Paul Gelinas LYRICIST Ellen Reid LIGHTING DESIGNER Phil Coakley CHOREOGRAPHER Sarabeth Berman COSTUME DESIGNER Jenny Lurie ASSISTANT PRODUCER Jessica Hertz COSTUME ASSISTANT Natasha Warner PROPS MISTRESS Aubrey HB Chorus VOCAL COACH Sarah Matteucci Gabe Bedoya, Dan Billings, Carol Chan, Greta Gerwig, TECHNICAL DIRECTOR Chris Keitel Daniel Robles, Darcy Shiber-Knowles, Mary HEAD SCENIC PAINTERS Josh Mason Steffel, Hadley Suter, & Jessica Kaplan Ashley Walker & Charity Wright SCULPTOR Julianna von Zumbusch CINEMATOGRAPHY Paul Gelinas Orchestra CONSTRUCTION Phil Coakley, Calder Hughes, Hugh Gordon, PIANO Jaime Madell Emily Kleinman, Val Martin, BASS Alexander Platt Erin Moughon, Cayle Pietras, DRUMS Jeff Curtin Alex Rixio, Monica Rhee, Matt Sisul, VIOLIN Monica Davis, Justin Steinhouse, Michelle Tan, Sarah Kishenevsky, Anastasia Liberis, London Thomson-Thurm, & Anna Bulbrook (Thursday only) & Rochelle Urban CELLO David Tam & Marc Dyrska TROMBONE Daniel Tannenbaum PUBLICITY Paul Gelinas SAXOPHONE John Paul Meyers WEBMASTER Lauren Webster TRUMPET Matt Ragsdale VIDEOGRAPHY Jon Schwartz BOX OFFICE MANAGER Philippa Ainsley HOUSE MANAGER Jillian Apfelbaum

4 The Blue & White The Varsity Show 5 Off Broadway

Act I SCENE 1 Around Manhattan. “PEDAL THROUGH THE NIGHT” SCENE 2 In Hale’s office. “HENRY LUCIFER HALE” SCENE 3 On Low Plaza. SCENE 4 In the WKCR Booth. SCENE 5 On Low Plaza. “SO MANY CLUBS (ONLY ONE LIFETIME)” SCENE 6 Hale’s Office SCENE 7 In the WKCR Booth. SCENE 8 On Low Plaza. “ORCHA-BITCHES” SCENE 9 Still On Low Plaza. “LOVE SONG” SCENE 10 In Hewitt Dining Hall. SCENE 11 On Philosophy Lawn. “MY BIKE HORN GENTLY WEEPS” SCENE 12 In John Jay Dining Hall. SCENE 13 In Hale’s Office. SCENE 14 In the WKCR Booth/On Low Plaza “OFF AIR” Intermission Act II SCENE 1 Around New Haven. “STAIRWAY TO HAVEN” SCENE 2 On Low Plaza. SCENE 3 On Philosophy Lawn. “ACTION, JACKSON!” SCENE 4 In Hewitt Dining Hall. SCENE 5 In the WKCR Booth. SCENE 6 In Sanchez’s Dorm/In the Nightline Office “NIGHTLINE” SCENE 7 Hale’s Office SCENE 8 On Low Plaza. “LOVE SONG” (REPRISE) SCENE 9 In John Jay Dining Hall. SCENE 10 In the WKCR Booth.. SCENE 11 On College Walk “FIGHT WITH US” SCENE 12 Hale’s Office SCENE 13 On Low Plaza. “HOME AGAIN” 4 The Blue & White The Varsity Show 5 Who’s Who

Cast raindrops on roses. She sometimes has a hard time identifying with her character in the JORDAN BARBOUR (C’05) is happy to be show, though. It’s not like Blair also spends performing in his her time writing songs or attending human third Varsity Show at rights conferences, oh wait… never mind. She Columbia. Originally would like to thank family and friends who from South Jersey, are contagiously beautiful, and not just her Jordan recalls that the own, but everyone’s, (especially yours). Peace opportunity to play and Blessings. a caterpillar in his Second Grade produc- LUCIANA COLAPINTO (C’07) hails from tion of Goin’ Buggy was the suburbs of Philadelphia and is both bewil- the life-changing event dered and pleased to be making her Varsity that sparked his desire to shape his craft as an Show debut. Don’t actor. Thirteen years later, Jordan continues be fooled though, to pursue his dream of acting and remains a she’s no newcomer familiar face in the performing community at to Columbia theatre. Columbia, appearing in The Three Sisters, Undoubtedly, you LateNite theatre, High Bias vocal group, and were blown away Fruit Paunch improvisational comedy troupe. by my (ahem) her Jordan thanks everyone for coming, especially breathtaking perfor- Mom and Dad. mance as Paris’ Page in the King’s Crown KATE BERTHOLD (C’06) is delighted to production of Romeo and Juliet. You may have be appearing in her also seen her in the widely acclaimed produc- second Varsity Show. tions of Carman: Thirteen Flights up to Heaven, She has been active in and Butler Nights. “Big Up” to family and theatre since the sixth friends, and much love to the cast and crew grade, and has since of the 110th Varsity Show. Never forget the portrayed numerous lambswool. little old ladies, sex- pots, and nerds. She NIC CORY (C’07) is a baby first-year from loves to paint, cook, sunny San Diego who doesn’t eat. His deli- and play music, and cate soprano voice won’t allow something as hopes one day to fashion a career out of any trivial as food to clog it of these activities. A deeply pragmatic person, up. He enjoys the role of Kate has decided to major in Art History. Love Sanchez because ‘tis an to my beautiful family and friends. outlet by which he can wear his Bush/Cheney BLAIR BODINE (C’06) When she’s not study- ’04 yarmulke proudly ing Chinese or playing with her band, “The and without shame. He Body Politic,” Blair hearts all things New enjoys making gua- York, including B. Spears’ camole and whirled “Toxic,” mushy walks in peas. The Varsity the woods with his 6th Show has quickly grade teacher and The Republican National become one of her Convention. He aspires to play the role of favorite things, along Lakme, Hindi priestess, at Madison Square with fireflies, and Garden. Thanks, cast and creative team, for wind chimes, and such an awesome process. Love you all! 6 The Blue & White The Varsity Show 7 BENJAMIN ELLIOT YELNOSKY SMITH She has played on stage for a while and enjoys (C’06) On October 5th, every minute of it. Her most memorable per- 1984, Ben assumed his formance was as MERE UBU in “Ubu Roi” role as second-born of at Northwestern University’s summer pro- Jesse Smith and Jesse’s gram. She would like to thank her family girl Maryann Yelnosky. and friends for their support and love, Trixie Their kindness instruct- for her complex philosophies, her pretty girl- ed his toddle-essence, friends, without which, Krista would never prepub-essence, and feel so...beautiful, and her V-Show hos, for finally adol-essence, their encouragement and humor. upon completion of PAUL WRIGHT (C’05) was born sunny side which he set out to create a new, indepen- up with the umbilical dent essence here at Columbia. Laughter, cord wrapped around thoughtful discussion and really too much his neck. His acting peanut-butter characterize this essence; he career has been simi- feels lucky to greet its continual redefinition larly awkward, with with the support of his closest friends. Ben over fifty theatrical devotes his academic hours to Music and productions including Foregin Languages, either of which he can King’s Crown, impro- pleasantly imagine himself teaching. Rosam visational comedy, and izzystizzykizzybizzydizzlizzyfizzy: ich finde last year’s V-Show. He dich immer ganz kuessbar. hopes to one day play ALANA WEISS (C’07) is thrilled to join the Bernadette Peters in Gypsy or Into the Woods Varsity Show cast for with a similarly talented cast as this one- but her first production none of the same people. Only slightly disfig- at Columbia. A New ured 21 years later, Paul would like to thank York native, Alana his family and friends and the amazing cast has been perform- and creative team that made this show pos- ing since age six and sible. I would have less people to make fun of has been featured in without you guys. numerous profession- PATRICK YOUNG (C’05) is the cast mem- al and community ber that no one recognizes from last year’s productions. She has show. He doesn’t quite know why, since his particularly enjoyed performing at the Horace performance as the melancholy St. A’s boy Mann School and French Woods Festival for Blaine, the world-renowned sleuth McGruff, the Performing Arts in Into the Woods (Little and the rather bland Gerald was anything but Red), Little Shop of Horrors (Audrey), Really undistinguished. ’Guess he just has a common Rosie (Rosie), and Oliver! (Nancy). Alana is a face… Beyond the Varsity Show, at Columbia member of the Columbia Clefhangers, and is Patrick has played Vladimir in “Waiting for pursuing majors in History and Art History. Godot”, and Roderigo in “Fuente Ovejuna.” He Love and thanks to family and friends. also made his directo- KRISTA WORBY rial debut in the fall (B’07) This is Krista’s with the critically theatrical debut at acclaimed “Trojan Columbia. She is a Women”… what? It beautiful Barnard was ACCLAIMED, woman who hails okay?… I have clip- from a ranch in New pings!… well, my Mexico, where she mommy thought it spent years talking to was good. animals and her mom.

6 The Blue & White The Varsity Show 7 Creative Team C. MASON WELLS (Writer, C’06) is a film DAVID PAUL (Director, C’04) is a graduating major from Chicago. This show is his first senior majoring in theatre with a specializa- theatre experience at Columbia and the first tion in directing. The Varsity Show is his time he has written something an audience 11th production at Barnard and Columbia as will actually see. He hopes people without the either actor or director. Thank you so much to last name “Wells” will enjoy it. Also, he would Denny for all your help, Becky for your advice like to thank everyone in the cast and on the and support, the production team, cast, and creative team for making the last six months this irreplaceable creative team for making such an incredible experience, especially his the show happen, and my wonderful friends cowriter SBK, without whom this show would at the Deuce and beyond for everything else. not have been possible or funny. He dedicates the show to his family and thanks them for PAUL GELINAS (Co-Producer, Set Designer, their emotional (and financial) support. C’04) is excited to be back at Columbia after two years off. While away, he worked as an ELLEN REID (Lyricist, C’05) To the tune of apprentice at the Santa Fe Opera and designed Yankee Doodle: sets in San Francisco & NYC before running It’s her junior year in CC away to China to design and open a cafe and She hails from Oak Ridge Tennessee. an English school. They are still open, if you Started a fine arts camp for local kids happen to be in Beijing and need a place to eat to encourage diversity. or study English. At Columbia, Paul directed Wrote, composed, and then directed and designed the musical How to Succeed..., and The show “Captain, my Captain” too. produced and designed sets for the 107th and Cheers to Becca, Scott, and Austin, 108th Varsity Shows. Thanks to Miso, 4028, Mom, Dad and “the family.” Anand, Peter, Erik, Jeewon, Jeewon, Jeewon, My life is full because of you. and, as always, to Mr. Keitel, who makes every- JAIME MADELL (Composer, C’06) is abso- thing happen. lutely thrilled to have been part of the 110th CHRIS KEITEL (Co-Producer, C’04) has Annual Varsity Show. He would like to thank worked on the Varsity Show in various everyone for their support, encouragement, capacities for the past four years. After light and patience during the past semester. Special designing and tech directing, he was fooled thanks go out to (obviously) the amazing cast, into producing. The inevitable purchase of crew, orchestra, creative team, his parents, a cell phone followed, and the obsession Negisa, and Darren. of producing quickly consumed 28 hours a SARABETH BERMAN (Choreographer, B’06) day. He would like to thank his unstoppable is from Boston, MA and is majoring in Urban counterpart Paul for his passion for Columbia Studies. Sarabeth has been dancing since she and his bold vision of the Varsity Show. was 4, and began choreographing in high Chris is proud to be making his debut as a school. She has performed with Columbia’s Broadway producer with the newest version Orchesis dance group since her first semester of Columbia’s favorite tradition. and now serves as a board member. Sarabeth SPENCER KAPLAN (Writer, C’04) is a his- would like to thank the Cast and Chorus tory major from West Hartford, CT. This is his for their fabulous ability to shake-it like a first theatrical experience at Columbia, and Polaroid picture. She is extremely grateful to he is grateful to have been broken in by such have had this opportunity to learn from her a talented group of people. He would like to talented co-members of the creative team. thank David for the perpetual faith in his She would like to thank the Berman family, writing and his jump shot. He would also like her wonderful friends, f5, and 10n, for their to thank his co-writer Chris for teaching him love. the value of a little word play. Spencer wants JESSICA HERTZ (Assistant Producer, C’07) everyone to enjoy the show and to remember is so glad that she had the chance to work that if they are laughing at a joke, C. Mason on a project as amazing as the Varsity Show. probably wrote it. 8 The Blue & White The Varsity Show 9 This is the second production she has been parents and friends for putting up with ran- involved with at Columbia (she also stage- dom requests. Special thanks to her biggest managed LateNite’s fall anthology). She is fan, David Paul. Congratulations to the cast considering majoring in English, although, and crew for another amazing V-Show. as a first-year, she keeps telling herself that JENNY LURIE (Costume Designer, B’04) is she has “plenty of time to decide.” She wants currently looking for post-graduate employ- to thank her parents for all of their support ment and would happily be your personal and love, her friends for always being there stylist. Find her after the show for more infor- for her, and everyone who worked on Varsity, mation… She is honored to be involved in especially the rest of the creative team, for 110th Annual Varsity Show. making this such a great process. JOSH MASON (Head Scenic Artist, SEAS ’02) After defecting for 2 years from the Production Team school of engineering to theater, he is now MARYBETH DUCKETT (Stage Manager, attempting to get paid what he is worth, with C’07) This is Marybeth’s first production little success. Intelligent, artistic, and incred- since arriving at Columbia. She’s thrilled ibly good-looking, he’s not worried because to be considered important enough for bio he’s also a serious alcoholic. He plans to be consisting of fifty magnificent words. After a the next William Hung of architecture. short bout of acting, she has conceded the fact PHIL COAKLEY (Lighting Designer, SEAS that her savoirfare is wasted on stage and will ’04), a proud homegrown Jersey-boy, is a henceforth remain where she belongs, calling senior who has been around the CU theatre the lighting and sound cues for those with block. Proverbially, that is. He can’t believe it’s immense talent. 110 already! Recent lighting credits include PHILIPPA AINSLEY (Assistant Stage Arcadia, Orchesis: On the One, Rosencrantz & Manager, C’07) loves skiing, writing, helping Guildenstern are Dead , and Final Countdown the varsity show, and organizing ticket reser- (Balkan Blues) with the NYC Fringe Festival. vations for four thousand people. Hats off to the crew, team, and cast. See you JILLIAN APFELBAUM (Assistant Director, on the flip side. B’05) loved helping out with this craziness. thanks to dp for the opportunity and the cast Chorus and creative team for all the laughs! GABE BEDOYA (C’07) is a freshman from ANNA GOODKIND (Assistant Stage Manager, North Palm Beach, Florida and is very happy B’07) is excited to be assistant stage-manag- to be a part of the 110th Varsity Show. Gabe ing the Varsity Show. She loves listening to the has been in Li’l Abner (Speedy McRabbit), melodic voices of the cast from backstage, and Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat sometimes even attempts to sing along (she (Reuben), Grease (Danny Zuko), and Footloose apologizes to anyone unfortunate enough to (Ren McCormack). This year at Columbia overhear). Varsity Show rocks Anna’s world, Gabe has taken part in CMTS’ Kiss Me Kate and she hopes to be a part of this amazing (Paul) and in King’s Crown’s Romeo and Juliet CU tradition for years to come. (Barnard girls (Montague Thug #3). Later this semester are cool too.) Gabe will also be appearing in The Tempest. AUBREY HB (Props Mistress, B’05) plans to Gabe would like to thank his family, friends, take over New York, one theater at a time. and the cast and crew. Since transferring, she has contributed end- DAN BILLINGS (C’06) is super-hyped to be in less props and talent to many shows. She likes his first college musical performance. Hailing eating cheese and chocolate. Not at the same from Philadelphia, he has performed in musi- time, though. She wishes to thank her net- cal theatre for 7 years. After many classes work of people that take up the world’s popu- at BDC and a one-year hiatus from theatre, lation of packrats for all their help in donating performing for the Columbia community is props for this and other shows. Thanks to her a great excitement. This sophomore/political

8 The Blue & White The Varsity Show 9 science major may not seem the dancing type, DARCY SHIBER-KNOWLES (B’06) is lov- but he’s a tried-and-true dancing machine. ing her Varsity Show debut. Earlier campus CAROL CHEN (B’04) is a native Texan with performance exploits include Orchesis, King’s a major in psychology, a minor in economics, Crown Shakespeare Troupe, and her beloved and a passion for dance (and shopping). She a capella group, Bacchantae. She moonlights has been a part of AAA, APAAM, Community as an Environmental Science major when Impact, CSC, CTV, Dance Marathon, ECASU, she’s feeling punchy, and on good days she KSA, Orchesis, and Raw Elementz and now showers. concludes her Columbia adventure with the MARY STEFFEL (C’04) is thrilled to be a V-Show. part of the Varsity Show. Her favorite roles at GRETA GERWIG (B’06) is a sophomore at Columbia include Woman 1 in Songs for a New BC majoring in English and Philosophy, and World, April in Company, Crystal in Little Shop she is thrilled to be part of this show. She of Horrors, Vicki in A Chorus Line, Barnard girl is appearing in two other productions this in A Sondheim Revue, and Stormtrooper #4 in spring, All in the Timing and The Tempest, Late Nite’s The Reproducers. Mary would like and also serves on the board of Columbia to thank her parents, friends, and teachers for Parliamentary Debate. Love to 10N. their inspiration, love, and support. DANIEL ROBLES (C’06) CMTS Board, HADLEY SUTER (B’07). Hadley is very SONDHEIM REVUE, O Captain My Captain excited to be in the Varsity show! From San (assistant director), a cappella, UPTOWN Francisco, she spent most of her time danc- VOCAL ROCKS!! Bucket of thanks to life ing with Bay Area Youth Ballet, but has since for giving him the best of the best: family, discovered that musicals are a lot more fun. friends, and talent!! Jules, Buddha, Whauren, Last semester, she was in BCMT/CMTS’ pro- Amazon, and the rest, mwah! I ain’t done... duction of Kiss Me, Kate and this semester she will also be in Orchesis. Love and thanks to the cast, crew, friends and family! ASHLEY WALKER (C’05) was born on THE BLUE AND WHITE April 15, 1983 - which means that she’ll be Playbill Staff turning 21 on the opening night of this abso- lutely wonderful production. Aside from that Editor-in-Chief accomplishment, she dances professionally CRAIG B. HOLLANDER, C’04 downtown, runs the NYC Synchro team, and coaches figure skating. Thanks to Sarabeth Editor-at-Large and DP for getting me involved, and love to ZACHARY H. BENDINER, C’06 family and friends as always. Layout Editor CHARITY WRIGHT (B’06) is majoring in AINSLEY V. S. ROSS, B’04 English and Political Science and minoring in Contributors Dance. Life goal: to heal the world, southern ALLEN T. O’ROURKE, C’04 style, and become “witty” funny. I want to MICHAEL S. PAULSON, C’04 thank my ever-loving mom and family, my #1 DAVEY VOLNER, C’04 stud, and my eternal friends who see every JOSHUA W. BOOTH, C’05 “artsy fartsy” show I do. To my heartbeats, LYNN E. COPES, C’05 thanks for making me this cheesey! MATTHEW P. HARRISON, C’05 CARA P. RACHELE, C’05 MICHAEL Z. MALLOW, C’05 PAUL C. MAZZILLI, C’06 AVI Z. ZENILMAN, C’07

10 The Blue & White The Varsity Show 11 CONVERSATION

raig Hollander and Zachary Bendiner, in an effort to enlighten themselves about the men behind Cthe scenes (literally and figuratively), sat down with Christopher Wells and Spencer Kaplan, the writers of Off Broadway. Hot chocolate, coffee, and the following conversation were had.

What was the most memorable moment of your fell on Spencer and me, because it took a long audition? time to settle on exactly what the show was SPENCER: The most memorable moment of going to be about. my audition experience was walking into the Our initial idea was to have an epic Varsity waiting room and finding out that like 8,000 Show, something that spanned all four years people wanted to write the show. Obviously, at Columbia and covered the hallmarks of it’s an awkward dynamic when everyone in the every year. It followed a tour guide through room is competing with each other. There was his long strange trip through Columbia life. lots of polite bragging going on, where you’d After trying to make this plot work for over a ask someone what position they were going month, we scratched those plans. For a while, for and somehow the response would turn we were running with a story about a SEAS into a brief summary of their credentials. But robot (Rob2004 - his name, UNI, and year of among all the bullshit, the guy who took the graduation) invented to destroy the curve in cake was this 35 year-old General Studies stu- his classes and bring about the downfall of dent who was auditioning to write music. He the Engineering School. The idea was based had his boom box and demo tape ready to go on the song Ellen wrote to audition for lyricist. and was happy to push play whenever asked. I After that one fell apart for a number of rea- wish that I could have been a fly on the wall sons - a musical about a robot? Does he have for his interview. to fall in love and become a real Columbia student? We came back from Spring Break The lyrics for the play were written by Ellen Reid. and wrote a comprehensive outline for a show Did she put your plot to music or did you have to about Columbia trying to get the Olympics, adapt your scenes to her words? where Morningside Heights was competing CHRIS: Ellen Reid put our plot to music. against real cities like Tokyo or Stockholm. Spencer and I devised a plot outline - several, That was a crazy show: it prominently fea- in fact - and we noted places where a song tured cricket, a rifle range, and Zeus and Hera might fit. I love puns, so I went crazy making at Symposium. Apparently, the ending - where up song titles: “Declaration of Independence” Morningside Heights was, of course, rejected for a song about declaring your major, or “A - was a bit of a downer. Brand New Prospective” for a song about Eventually, we settled on this current plot, high school seniors visiting Columbia. which gave us enough freedom to make I think it was hard for Ellen at fun of several topical issues at first, because few of Columbia while still maintain- these song ideas were ing a strong central idea. set in stone. We didn’t From that outline, Ellen want to have her go ball-parked where off and write a song she thought songs only to have to cut should logically it from the show. So, go, based on the she began with some flow of the story of the more random, and what ideas jokey numbers or char- piqued her interest. acter-based songs that On occasion, we had we could fit into any plot to move scenes around we came up with. Then, the burden Illustrated by Cara Rachele to accommodate her songs, but 10 The Blue & White The Varsity Show 11 she mainly worked with our suggestions, and mon sensibility. I think some of our funniest Jaime, in turn, took her lyrics to compose the writing is in those scenes, but other people music. may respectfully disagree. Many of them were written late at night, when a lot of strange You two clearly have distinctly different senses of things would crack us up and we would just humor. How were you able to co-author scenes? throw them in the scene. A lot of them failed, SPENCER: Working with Chris was fun as but some of them ended up working really hell. Our comedic instincts don’t really over- well. lap, which made our writing better because We also had to cut out the copious amounts when presented with the same set-up for a of one-line characters who would make a joke, Chris would usually take a route com- quick joke, Simpsons-style, and exit. For us, it pletely different from mine. Unfortunately for was hard to quell our shared film backgrounds me, Chris would usually be right. When given and write scenes that last for multiple minutes enough time, we would usually work side-by- without quick cut-aways. I still remember side, bouncing ideas off each other while writ- David Paul, our director, explaining to us how ing separate scenes. After a while, we’d switch theatre scenes end with someone exiting. We computers and finish what the other person nodded back like we finally understood how had started. The idea was that this kind of all this worked. process would ensure a consistency of voice throughout the show, so that scenes wouldn’t Who should be the most nervous during the pro- drastically vary in style from one to the next. duction? SPENCER: The actors have the most to lose. CHRIS: Spencer and I probably talk about Of course, we’ll be incredibly nervous watch- our dynamic more than anything else. Last ing the show. We have invested so much in year’s show was the first to be put out on this show, and there’s no doubt that Chris DVD…[and] you can see two different senses and I will be biting our fingernails to the core of humor at work in the writing of that show. every night. But in the end, the audience is We know a little about last year’s writers, watching the people on stage. If a joke just Ashish Shetty and Ben Watson-Lamprey. bombs, the audience associates that with the Ashish, for example, likes the bigger, more actor delivering the line, even though the absurd humor, whereas Ben favors the more writers are the ones responsible for it. But verbal one-liners and clever puns. Last year’s this cast is a bunch of can’t-miss kids. If we Creative Team probably hired us to create write them anything that resembles funny, that same dynamic, because Spencer’s humor they knock it out of the park. tends to be more ridiculous and mine leans more toward the puns. We do have a lot of CHRIS: I’d say the actors should be the most mutual respect for what the other person nervous. The show is out of our hands now. As writes, though, and it was strange to see that of April 15, it is entirely their show. Of course, after working together for so long, our senses every night I’ll be a nervous wreck in Lerner, of humor have started to blend together. but if one of our jokes bombs, it bombs, but Once, we brought in a scene to a rehearsal we’re not the ones who have to say it in front and our producer Paul [Gelinas] said, “That’s of 1000 people, and then try and make it work a Spencer joke if I ever saw one.” It was actu- the next three nights. I’m nervous for them, ally something I wrote and I was proud that because they only have three weeks to work it wasn’t so easy to pick out which jokes were with the completed script, to memorize all mine and which were Spencer’s. Some of our their lines, and dance moves and lyrics. I’m best scenes, I think, came about because we also nervous for Jaime, because while he’s were sitting at the same computer, me typ- already written beautiful music, he still has to ing at a pathetic 10 words per minute, and perform it and conduct his orchestra for the working out the scene together. Those scenes performance. I’m nervous about other aspects probably changed the least from creation to of the show — the set not collapsing, for exam- final product because they displayed a com- ple – but it’s just in my nature to worry. 

12 The Blue & White The Varsity Show 13 Failed Auditions

eople don’t realize how hard it is to get into the Varsity Show. Auditions this year brought out an Pespecially eclectic bunch. We assume, in fact, that even the most prominent and powerful members of the Columbia community sought Varsity Show stardom. Here’s why they were rejected.

Joseph Bizup, Director of the Undergraduate years ago, there was this Broadway play called Writing Program: Ostensibly arrived for the ‘Civil War,’ but it was riddled with histori- an audition but proceeded to suggest major cal inaccuracies.” Adjusts glasses, walks casu- changes to the program of the show based on ally out of room. a similar review at Yale. His version would  downplay the importance of short scenes and Richard Bulliet, professor of history: instead subject the audience to one painstak- Gave a dramatic reading of his most popu- ingly unbroken act. The producers kindly, yet lar novel, Kicked to Death by a Camel, in an tersely informed Dr. Bizup that we do things a attempt to enthrall the V-Show panel with tad differently here. its gripping, two-fisted protagonist, wry ref-  erences to Middle Eastern arcana, and racy Joseph Stiglitz, Jeffrey Sachs, and Jaghdesh sex scenes...The audition collapses in disaster, Bhagwati, professors of economics: The however, when Bulliet inexplicably pauses for trio insists upon auditioning together. 5 minutes, suddenly to intone “the donkey They perform a three Stooges sketch on has disproportionately large genitalia... like globalization. Can’t tell who is supposed four feet... it’s astounding... I know it’s indeli- to be Curly. Degrades into serious physical cate to talk about - but it’s an immense penis... fight. Sachs fights dirty, knees Stiglitz in we’re talking like baguette size... only wider groin. Bhagwati pickpockets both of them and around...” He then trails off, trails away...is not runs away waving their wallets, yelling: “Free called back. Market! Free Market!”   Lee C. Bollinger, Columbia President: Philip Kitcher, philosophy of science pro- Prezbo signed up for an audition, but never fessor: DELIGHTFUL! Song, “I Am the Very showed up. According to The New York Times, Model of a Modern Major-General.” Adorable, he was summoned to an emergency meeting but can he stay in character? Asked to explain of the Zulu tribal council in Africa. Upon his Creationism, breaks into uncontrollable return, Bollinger apologized to the V-Show via laughter… email. “Dear Colleague,” read the email, “good  relations with the Zulu tribesmen are invaluable Joe Jones, basketball coach: Well-dressed. to Columbia. I have, Bursts unexpectedly into “ROLM mode.” therefore, decided Exclaims: “Hey, Columbia, this is Coach Jones. to learn their Come watch me perform on stage – LIVE – at m y s t e r i o u s the Lerner Arena on April 15-18. Tickets are ways, and will still available!” Bizarre. Jocks hence forth for- not have time bidden from auditions. to participate  in this year’s Eric Foner, American history professor: performance. Call Not an audition…lectures on the destructive Quigley or some- role of theater in American history: “Theater thing.”  has caused nothing but problems in our soci- ety…Lincoln was shot in Ford’s Theater while watching ‘Our American Cousin.’ Then, a few Illustrated by Cara Rachele 12 The Blue & White The Varsity Show 13 Timeline One-hundred-and-tenth anniversaries only come once every 110 years. And so, the B&W felt obliged to delve into the Varsity Show’s storied past. We nearly followed through on it, too. Michael Mallow even bought a notebook. But in the end, we decided to simply write the history of the Varsity Show as it should have happened. Some of it might be true–we really don’t know.

4000 BCE. Someone sings. Someone laughs. action on the philosophical principle “to seem The Varsity show is born. is to be” by co-authoring the V-Show script.  In the play, life at Columbia is portrayed as pastoral and idyllic, in an effort to make it 3999 BCE. – 1893 CE Empires rise. Empires so in reality. Yet after the performance, the fall. Nothing much happens. writers return to their Wien housing to find it  unaltered. Aghast, they unanimously agree to 1894 V-Show founded. Professor Wm. change their majors to economics. Theodore de Bary declares that the nascent  organization “has no staying power.” The 1928 Zora Neale Hurston, Federico Garcia Varsity Show accuses him of the same; the Lorca, Langston Hughes, and Isaac Asimov battle rages on. collaborate on writing the V-Show. A short  excerpt follows: 1919 The V-Show performs the “Great Iberian T: Sammy, hows I gwine t’ansa ma ROLM Pox,” a play about the Spanish influenza. fone? Throughout the performance cast members S: Answer with celestial bells, Therese, as a miss their cues, forget their lines, and trip over man will not. one another. It is later revealed that gamblers, T: So smart Master Sammy somehow senses all who had bet that the V-Show would receive my thoughts. unfavorable reviews, paid eight cast members S: By the rhythmic clump-clump of your to intentionally throw the play. The Spectator metallic tongue. dubbed the crisis the “Black Pox” scandal. This play is widely believed by Columbia his- torians to be the worst V-Show of all time.   1924 A group of philosophy students, under the sway of Professor John Dewey, takes 1936 Jean-Paul Sartre publishes L’existentialisme est un humanisme, to critical Tossed Titles acclaim. The Varsity Show boldly decides to incorporate existentialist themes into its mate- Before the creative team settled on Off rial. Two days are spent, fifteen brains are Broadway, they considered the following wracked, and twenty cartons of cigarettes are titles: smoked, but no one is actually able to figure PrezBo’s Inferno out how to do it. The project is abandoned; Upper West Side Story the rest of the world swiftly follows suit. C.U. on the Dark Side of the Moon Pangs of New York  Daze On Campus 1938 The V-Show threatens to perform The King of King’s College Macbeth: the Musical, thereby stripping the Rebel Without the Core King’s Crown Shakespeare Troupe of its most Take a Walk on the Morningside popular title. Without consulting the Troupe, A Tale of New Cities Student Council President Henry McKinsky Getting Off (Broadway) negotiates a settlement with the V-Show producers: the V-Show is given the rights to Macbeth, in exchange for a promise to never

14 The Blue & White The Varsity Show 15 perform another Shakespeare play. “There going inside, all the while carrying signs that read will be theatrical parity in our time,” proudly “The jokes are mere shadows!” and “Look exclaims McKinsky. away from the wall!” Their efforts bear no  fruit, however, and Columbia students real- ize that Socratic harangue is, perhaps, the 1939 The V-Show performs Julius Caesar. most ineffective way to influence the public  discourse. 1941 The Manhattan Project is created and  begins researching nuclear fission in the 1979 After a stellar opening night for the V- Pupin laboratories. V-Show bombs. Show, the Spectator prints a glowing review,  writing that the cast “captivated the audience.” 1944 Margaret Mead declares “theater is not The Carter administration bravely attempts a biological necessity.” The V-Show points to “rescue” the audience, but is rebuffed by out that she wears a cape and carries a large campus security. Two helicopters are downed wooden staff. during the failed mission.   1957 Charles Van Doren, a Columbia profes- 1983 Columbia College begins admitting sor and star of NBC’s quiz show “21,” agrees women, thus greatly augmenting female dra- to play a minor role in the V-Show. The direc- matic talent in the university and allowing the tor, however, is forced to write Van Doren out V-Show to rely less upon male actors in drag. of the script after the professor insists that his V-Show director Hubert Brinklehoff predicts lines be fed to him from backstage. that the coming years will be “a Golden Age of Columbia theater” and foretells that future  V-Show productions will “rely less upon lewd 1963 Barnard first-year Martha Stewart brings and flippant transvestitism and more upon her vocal talents to the V-Show auditions with serious theatre.” Ticket sales plummet. a planned rendition of the Steely Dan classic  “Black Friday.” Unfortunately, she bails out of her audition after a clandestine phone discus- 2001 Visiting professor and former Vice sion with the show’s producer over declining President Al Gore, exhibiting a rarely seen ticket prices. emotional side, auditions with a moving version of Joni Mitchell’s “Big Yellow Taxi,”  which he claims to have written. Gallup polls 1967 Inspired by the philosophical enlight- shows him the strongest candidate for the lead enment they received in Contemporary role, but he unexpectedly pulls out of the run- Civilization, thirty CC students join together ning when he learns that The Blue and White to form the CU Platonic Society. Their first playbill is not printed on recycled paper.  order of business is to protest the theatri- cal arts and promote other diversions that were more amenable to discovering The Good. Clothed in togas and equipped with the Plato’s dialectic, they blockade the theatre entrance on the V- Show’s opening night and interrogate people

Illustrated by Craig Hollander 14 The Blue & White The Varsity Show 15 Digitalia Varsitiana he B&W came into possession of several creative team notebooks and early drafts of the script. The Tfollowing little gems of theatrical brilliance were jotted down by the writers. Lee C. falls in love with a girl from Harlem “I hereby crown myself the King of King’s – affirmative action. College.” A huge poster of Quigley, like the one of Charles Foster Kane in Citizen Kane, Let’s just say no one ever confused “Who’s the rolls down behind him. A spotlight crown Boss” with “The Cosby Show.” descends from the rafters and lands on “It’s the West End of the world as we know it Quigley’s head. (and I feel drunk)” This piece is Jack Nicholson having a root Shark in the pool during Swim Test has the canal. I call it “You Can’t Handle the Tooth.” fast talking cadence of Katherine Hepburn in Jordan – Alma Mater’s son, really bitter, a screwball comedy. drunk guy fucked statue. Ah, 87th and Amsterdam! I never thought I’d “Do I look like I’m made out of blue foam? get away from that damned Upper West Side. JEW-BILATION Columbia Lion – actually gay, blow-dries his hair. Director: Eich heins sauerbraten! Translator: Mr. Davidson thinks the West Side Carman Chameleon Story parody is both hackneyed and…” She Carman Miranda looks at him, confuses, as if she wants him to Bollinger takes over Hollywood, renames repeat himself. Puts finger to ear. it “Bolliwood” – Bollywood style song-and Director: Sauerbraten! dance number Translator: Clichéd “Plenty of Fish in the SEAS” “McBain of My Existence Is Kenneth Jackson a lost member of the Jackson 6? “In fact, we invented Cubmail to put Pine out of business.” I look like Denzel Washington, only Scotch. Quigley wakes up next to somebody, wearing “Whoa! Protest! What are you guys marching a beer helmet and blue foam hat. against?” “Well, we’re picket—” Quigley wakes up in the rubble, Erykah Badu “Great, I’m in.” shows up. I am the rabbi blessin’ yo’ food. And guess Riverdance group led by Austin Quigley. what? I put pork in everything! Quiggles “Quigley, what are you saying? No, I will not Quigalator call you Prezbo.” We could franchise Café 212! Just think – in It brings out the German in your eyes. You’re Chicago we could have Café 312. And we the father I currently have. could expand outside the United States! They could be eating Beef Mexicalis…in Mexico! There’s a Me in MELAC. Dean Quigley actually faking his accent King’s Crown: “Still goin’ weak.” – adopts Brooklyn voice when not around Talent scout talks to Quigley in the end. students. “Man, fuckin’ talkin’ in dat accent all day is a strain on my vocal chords, know- Okay, Orca-bitches. I know this isn’t a dance hatimsayin’? studio, but Columbia wouldn’t give us any room to rehearse again. “You’re a slut, just like your daughter.”

16 The Blue & White The Varsity Show 17 Pedophiles of America: We do it for the kids. Mime constantly yells “Silence!” CAVAcopter “Spectabulousical! If I had to choose between this show and oxygen, I would hesitate, think Okay, Dean Acheson is very smart because he about it, and ultimately choose oxygen, but it was a Skull and Bones society member at Yale would be a really hard choice.” – Commie, Commie, Commie Act 1 Quigley at cricket match, tailgating Polka Dots Quigley consulting the Gods on roof of Alanis Morrissette Mudd Pigeons Zeus + Hera appear! Act 2 Song: Z & H have a soft spot for CU because Kate gets fucked up  of the Core

BEHIND THE CURTAIN by Zachary H. Bendiner he Varsity Show director’s sweat-stained sequito spezzato, he bounds back. Tfoulard creeps out from beneath his wilt- Pied en l’air, he concludes, “No, I suppose ing collar. The cast assembles, awaiting his that’s about all. But let us remember that if our charitable words before the curtain rises. efforts fail, if jokes fall flat, we can always rely His right arm extends forward. Palm up, his on one foolproof frolickingly mirthful modus fingers stretch and curl in upon themselves, as operandi: sexual ambiguity. That’s farce. if pensively fondling a hard-boiled egg. That’s theatre. That’s life.” “Once more, dear friends, we go “What about Barnard quips?” unto this audience, these The director draws up the heel of his Columbians, not as an end in free foot to the opposing inner thigh. and of itself but rather as an “Certainly; the two go hand in hand. exercise, an exercise in, uh, Now, let us breathe.” what is the word?” As he pouts his lips in Gallic fashion, “Crude verbal his nostrils broaden. Even amidst his humor, sexual spasmodic breathing, he manages to innuendo and sight whisper, “Dress the stage.” gags, all specific to “And forget not, though you Columbia?” an eager have no doubt grown tired cast-member offers. of my fading bedside man- “Yes, but there has to be ner, you are nevertheless something slightly more to it indebted to me. And if than that.” He pauses. Looking you fail, you shall reap down upon the dusty stage, he the whirlwind. Energy. vigorously strokes his forehead Poise. Facial mask pro- with the heels of his palms. Lifting jection. Mind-body connec- his head, he thrusts his chest for- tion. These are the actor’s ward. Eyebrows raised, he dashes tools. And if nothing else, to the corner of backstage left. remember that if you can Back demi plié, demi-pointe, see the audience, they can side demi-pointe, pointing see you.”  foot a la seconde. With a final Illustrated by Allen O’Rourke 16 The Blue & White The Varsity Show 17 VARSITY SHOW GOSSIP In an episode Family Guy, Brian cracks a joke tumes. But we doubt they will understand the about Franklin D. Roosevelt’s inability to walk. Columbia-based plot and jokes. As one staffer To Brian’s chagrin, his wisecrack received a put it, the pre-frosh will be as confused as chilly response. He asked: “Too soon?” The “the Pope if he tried to read the Torah.” phrase “too soon” thus became the favorite  saying among this year’s cast and somehow Long used to the multi-colored play money found its way into nearly every rehearsal. of Canada, actor Pat Young’s ignorance of The saying became so popular that the writ- American currency came to the fore in this ers seriously considered adding a Vietnamese year’s Turkey Day performance for V-show character named “Tu Sún” into the script. alumni:  “Let’s go get you elected, son.” At one point, the creative team considered “How?” the son asked. using a Shakespearian arc for this year’s Pulling out a crisp $100 bill, Young declared, plot. The producers were quick to pursue “George Washington.” Columbia’s very own accented thespian Dean Well, at least he didn’t say “Sir Wilfrid Austin Quigley. But Quigs made it clear that he Laurier.” sought much more than a cheap laughs cameo.  Indeed, he asked to perform a soliloquy at Two B&W staffers recently ran into Columbia the end of the show. Much to our dismay, the President Lee C. Bollinger. The staffers asked Shakespearian frame was dropped. Where be Bollinger how he felt about his nickname, your gibes now, Austin? Your gambols, your “PrezBo,” which the 109th Varsity Show songs? Worry not. The B&W extends to you an bestowed upon him last year. “Let me say that open invitation to share your flashes of theat- the nickname suites me just fine,” responded rical merriment at our weekly meetings. Bollinger. Smiling tactfully into the distince, he  added: “And that’s all I have to say about that.” According to the V-Show’s creative team, the  cast was obsessed with the Britney Spears Several characters originally in the V-Show song “Toxic.” The following is a recreated script were scratched shortly before the per- dialogue from a typical rehearsal: formance. Among the scrapped characters Cast member 1: “You know what song I love?” was a homosexual Mormon named Alan Duke CM 2: Toxic? who, upon arriving at Columbia, quickly CM 1: Toxic! changed his name to “Alán Duké” because he CM 3: Did somebody just say Toxic? I love Toxic! felt it better expressed his innermost person. All: Toxic toxic toxic toxic toxic! TOXXXXIC! Several others were suggested, but we didn’t  think any of them were particularly funny. For “Days on Campus,” our forward-think- Sorry. ing administration purchased 550 tickets for  prospective students to see the V-Show. The The Varsity Show…It’s expensive!!!  production will undoubtedly dazzle the “pre- frosh” with its adult humor and revealing cos- 18 The Blue & White The Varsity Show 19 Acknowledgements CONTRIBUTING SPONSORS We would like to thank the following organizations for their generous support of this production:

Activities Board at Columbia Matthew Harrison & Columbia College Student Council Mohan Ramaswamy & Engineering Student Council Pavan Surapaneni & General Studies Student Council Student Government Association Columbia 250

SPECIAL THANKS For special help and support throughout the long process of putting on a show, we would like to thank the following people: Lauri Straney Julie Binder Kevin Shollenberger Peter Koechley Dara Falco S. Chris Sanseverino Thomas Buczkowski Isabelle Levy Honey Fishman Sarah Fay Goldman Sue Mescher Lindsay Glabman John Ricci Annie Burke Scott Wright Nate Bliss Sal Bernadino Erin Moughon Martha Phelps-Walker Eileen Farrel Erik Flatmo EC 820, Hogan 6C Dean Mongillo & Hogan 2A

THE VARSITY SHOW: A CELEBRATION The Varsity Show’s illustrious 110-year history has finally been told in the new book, The Varsity Show: A Celebration , edited by Anand Venkatesan C’03 and Telis Demos C’04. This beautifully illustrated volume is available tonight in the lobby and also at our website, thevarsityshow.com. A must-have for any Varsity Show fan. DVD AND CD ORDERING INFORMATION As erroneously proud fathers across the nation will confirm, there is no better way to remem- ber an event than to capture it using digital video technology. With this year’s show, we intend to do just that. Off Broadway will be taped by an expert crew of videographers, and edited over the summer into a DVD. We will begin selling DVDs through our website in July or August. We will also be making an Original Cast Recording CD, recorded live during show weekend, and mastered using only the most masterful of mastering technology. These may be available as soon as June. If you are interested in pre-purchasing a DVD or a CD, or simply being notified when they are in the final stages of production, please email [email protected]. Or check out our website atwww.thevarsityshow.com. 18 The Blue & White The Varsity Show 19 New Faces… New Ideas… New Results… coming soon. We are the Undergraduate Housing Office of Residential Programs and the Council, and for the last century our Department of Housing and Dining, the mission has remained simple: to pro- UHC Executive Board hopes to utilize mote and improve the quality of life here its experience to create a more effective at Columbia University. We pursue these student advocacy front. goals through two main channels, Policy The UHC recognizes that school wide and Programming. Next year we wish to change cannot easily be done alone. reach out to every student to ensure that We plan to work extensively with the we are providing them with the best resi- Columbia College Student Council and dential experience to compliment their the Engineering Student Council, as career at Columbia University. While well as the many organizations around sponsoring policy initiatives we plan campus for the common goal of build- to simultaneously hold events in both ing community and generally improving residence hall and campus wide settings the experience of living at Columbia to promote a greater sense of com- through event programming, physical munity building and Columbia spirit. improvements to the residence halls and Furthermore, working together with the policy changes.

If you have any questions, Current Executive Board: comments, or suggestions President: Christian Cañas VP Policy: Karen Ko please do not hesitate to con- VP Programming: AnnMarie Perl tact us at: [email protected] Treasurer: Nainesh Parikh or check out what we have Secretary: Patricia Cabrera accomplished and our newest Incoming Executive Board: contest at www.columbia.edu/ President: Christopher Cheng cu/uhc/ VP Funding: Richard Cheng VP Policy: Dan Okin VP Programming: Luke Czubay

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