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The 114Th Annual Varsity Show “Morningside Hates”

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The 114Th Annual Varsity Show “Morningside Hates” THE UNDERGRADUATE MAGAZINE OF COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY , EST . 1890 The Varsity Show May 2008 THE 114TH ANNUAL VARSITY SHOW “Morningside Hates” May 2, 3, and 4 in Roone Arledge Auditorium ALSO : CAN YOU MAKE A VARSITY SHOW ? THE WRITERS ’ NOTEBOOK PLAYBILL STAFF Editor ANNA PHILLIPS Managing Editor KATIE REEDY Senior Editors JULI WEINER HANNAH GOLDFIELD Layout Editor JUSTIN VLASITS Consigliere ZACHARY VAN SCHOUWEN Copy Chief ALEXANDER STATMAN Artists JULIA BUTAREVA JENNY LAM MAXINE KEYES SONIA TYCKO Contributors BECKY ABRAMS PAUL B. BARNDT ANNA LOUISE CORKE ANDREW MCKAY FLYNN TONY GONG KATE LINTHICUM JOSEPH MEYERS MICHAEL MOLINA CHRISTOPHER MORRIS-LENT ALEXEXANDRA MUHLER MARYAM PARHIZKAR MARIELA QUINTANA ALEX WEINBERG Editor Emerita TAYLOR WALSH 2 THE BLUE AND WHITE THE BLUE AND WHITE Vol. CXIV THE VARSITY SHOW No. MMMML 4 THE CAST OF CHARACTERS . .Your new best friends for the next two hours. 5 SCENES AND SONGS . Whatever happens, happens. 6 CAST AND CREW . Because Facebook profiles aren’t enough. 16 THE VARSITY GLOSSARY . Columbia for dummies. 18 A CONVERSATION WITH THE WRITERS . .It takes two to do it right. 21 FROM THE WRITERS ’ NOTEBOOKS . How are we going to end this show again? 22 114 YEARS OF VARSITY DRAMA . No one ever remembers. 23 BEHIND THE SCENES . The art of unpaid labor. 26 CAN YOU MAKE A VARSITY SHOW ? . A quiz for JV scribblers. 27 VARSITY GOSSIP . The feverish ramblings of the co-lyricist, plus cupcakes. he Varsity Show was born in 1894, four gloriously quiet years after THE BLUE AND WHI T E emerged from Alma Mater’s iron womb. As the bookish older sibling sat doodling in the corner, the Columbia family gathered around the precocious little runt. The Show, as it was known, could make “spirit fingers” before it could sit up, inspired the inven- tion of the phonograph, and hung out with way too many socialists. It may have started as a sibling rivalry, but it soon turned into a sibling rout: this jealous rag, paralyzed by the onset of modernity, lay silent for more than a century. But 100 years of solitude can ameliorate the pain of favoritism, if not a despicable addiction to medio- cre puns, and our partnership stands as a monument to the genderless, eternal principle of siblinghood. Or so it stood until this year, when autumn boiled over into a series of demonstrations and anti- demonstrations, and THE BLUE AND WHI T E went polychrome with envy. We, too, wanted to protest something—it looked like fun! Historically, the sole force restraining THE BLUE AND WHI T E from utter solipsism has been Colum- bia’s only tradition: the Varsity Show franchise. And severing those ties in protest seemed au courant, thus we took our crusade to the field of all 21st century battles: the Internet. We asked CCSC to ban the Varsity Show from the Columbia server and, when that didn’t work, we circulated a petition demanding that students pledge to avoid the production’s odious website. With characteristic sloth, we plagia- rized twenty-two of this program’s twenty-eight pages from the Horace Mann Record and University Writing lens essays found in a dumpster behind John Jay. Ultimately, THE BLUE AND WHI T E repented. Though it’s crass to admit, we had drawn down our cof- fers (too much beer and skittles) and rumor had it that the Varsity Show was doing well for itself. Having discovered that hate doesn’t pay, we made amends, re-forged our bonds, and rewrote those blasted twenty-two pages. It is in this spirit of spring healing that the Varsity Show team presents “Morningside Hates.” Please don’t protest it. COVEr: “Morningside Hates” by Maxine Keyes [email protected] www.theblueandwhite.org www.thevarsityshow.com VARSITY 2008 3 Morningside Hates DIRECTOR . Hannah Kass PRODUCER . Erin Byrne PRODUCER . Jeffrey Schwartz WRITER . Rob J. Trump WRITER . .. .James Williams COMPOSER / LYRICIST . Katie Hathaway COMPOSER / LYRICIST . Benjamin Velez CHOREOGRAPHER . Emily Bickford ART DIRECTOR . .Ben Weinryb Grohsgal The Cast of Characters (in order of appearance) ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR BRADBURY , an untenured expert in critical thought…….....................KIERON CINDRIC CAROLINE , an Admissions work-study with impossibly high standards…………...............LAURA KLEINBAUM CARTER , a SEAS student with a one-track mind…………………………..………………...............TOBIN MITNICK JUDITH SHAPIRO , the outgoing president of Barnard College………………………..................LAUREN GLOVER JAMES MCSHANE , the head of Columbia University Public Safety…………………….....................WILL SNIDER LIZZY , a Barnard Eco-Rep and faithful idealist………………………………………….................SARAH DOOLEY DAVID , an optimistic transfer from Cornell…………………………………………..................MICHAEL SNYDER The Chorus Zach Dyer (Camera Installer), Emily Alpern Fisch (Barnard Student), Allie Paddock (Barnard Student, McBain Guard, Alma Mater), Sophie Ragir (Barnard Student, Director of Admissions, Athena Statue), Michael Seamen (Pinkberry Worker, Forum Questioner), Jenny Vallancourt (Barnard Student, Forum Questioner) Illustrated by Maxine Keyes 4 THE BLUE AND WHITE Act I PROLOGUE “Columbia, I Am Here” SCENE 1: JAMES MCSHANE ’S OFFICE SCENE 2: LEHMAN LAWN SCENE 3: A CLASSROOM IN HAMILTON “Gotta Love to Hate” SCENE 4: MCBAIN SCENE 5: THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE “Every Glitch” SCENE 6: LEHMAN LAWN SCENE 7: JUDITH SHAPIRO ’S OFFICE “Shoulder to Shoulder” SCENE 8: ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR BRADBURY ’S OFFICE “Golden Nugget” SCENE 9: PINKBERRY THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE “20,000 Ivy Leaguers Under the Sea” SCENE 10: JAMES MCSHANE ’S OFFICE VARIOUS LOCATIONS “Act I Finale” Act II SCENE 1: LEHMAN LAWN “Anti-Anti-Anti-Anti-Protest” SCENE 2: MCBAIN HALL SCENE 3: LEHMAN LAWN “I Hate that I Love You” SCENE 4: ROONE ARLEDGE AUDITORIUM SCENE 5: LEHMAN LAWN “Strong, Beautiful” SCENE 6: LERNER HALL SCENE 7: MCBAIN HALL “Well, Woman” SCENE 8: LEHMAN LAWN “Strong, Beautiful (reprise)” SCENE 9: LOW PLAZA “Hero” SCENE 10: BARNARD CAMPUS EPILOGUE “Finale” VARSITY 2008 5 The Cast and Crew ou might not know the following figures—but you should. You’ve probably seen them everywhere. YThese are the people that you think you know, because they’re some of the most entertaining people at Columbia. They’re like celebrities. Really, really easygoing (and easy to stalk!) celebrities. Go ahead, say hello, and creep them out with how much you know about them! KIERON CINDRIC theater devotees. If her pink stick-on earrings, thrift- store t-shirt with airbrushed patriotic rabbit face, and “I’m cleanin’ up my room, it side-career as an ironic YouTube pundit and self-dep- is so cool. / I’m cleanin’ up my recating MySpace singer-piano player are any indica- room, and you should too-oo- tion, newcomers to the scene will have a whole lot of ooo…” Kieron Cindric, C’08, is indie cred to live up to. singing the first bar of “Cleanin’ But Dooley’s not your typical indie girl. She’s funny Up My Room,” a toddler instruc- and lively, eschewing eyeliner and dour expressions for tional take on ‘N Sync’s “Tearin’ the patter and quips of an experienced laugh-maker. Up My Heart.” One evening, Raised in Valparaiso, Indiana by professor parents, she Kieron realized that ’90s pop got involved with local theaters as a matter of tradition— songs were the ideal vehicle for her entire family unit once performed in the stage ver- teaching his future kids their sion of Cinderella. first important life lessons, and he went to work. This Dooley started making music upon meeting a man man has a brain wired for song. named Doug whose trailer was filled with recording You’ve probably seen Kieron and his blond curls equipment. She won’t divulge the details, and before before. He is a veteran of the Columbia stage, with that it gets really fuzzy: “I feel like I was born, and then memorable roles in Rocky Horror, Into the Woods and I did the Varsity Show,” she chirps. –KER V112, in which he played troubled former child star Dy- lan Justin St. James. LAUREN GLOVER Kieron inhabited this last role with characteris- tic flair, though there seems to be very little of the Lauren Glover, B‘09, tortured artist or the petulant young star in him. looks like a dame from an- “Maybe I’m a little like Dylan Justin,” he said. “I other era. Dolled up with perform, and I guess I’m a little ridiculous—but I bright red lips and a full- don’t have a drug problem or any of that. I’m much skirted dress, she appears more…clean cut.” ready to walk the red car- His friends second this, praising his big heart and pet at a 1940s Hollywood the baked goods—chocolate cupcakes and pumpkin premiere, not to sit in the drab bread—he often gives as gifts. Next year, Kieron will fluorescence of Café 212. And probably work part-time at an art museum and she knows it. audition on Broadway, and perhaps wend She’s got the accessories: “brooches that I his way towards art history graduate school. bust out once in a while.” And her hair, a flirty Unless, of course, “Oops, I Went In My batch of red-brown curls: “It keeps getting Diaper” becomes the breakout single of the shorter and bigger.” summer. –PBB Credit Barnard President Judith Sha- piro with inspiring the grandeur and the SARAH DOOLEY theatrics. Glover, who has spent the last six months trying to embody Barnard’s As the youngest Varsity Show cast president, says it’s not easy to imitate member, Sarah Dooley, B’11, repre- the big, brassy woman with a pen- sents the new generation of campus chant for belting out show tunes and holiday carols to an audience 6 THE BLUE AND WHITE the PEOPle of mortified undergrads. TOBIN MITNICK “She’s sort of larger than life,” Glover says.
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