SEMESTER 1 WEEK 6 14 APRIL 2010

Keeping The COM MONWEALTH Relevant

Interview with Mick Mundine Fight: Monarchy v. Republic Gauntlet: Yes Man challenge Union: the fight for Boardom begins 2

This Week's: Things we regret typingCONTENTS into Google Images: Legs Akimbo BACK FROM EASTER BREAK Best Haircut: Lin Yu Chun’s astonishing bowlcut. His performance of “I HONI SOIT, EDITION 5 Will Always Love You” is similarly breathtaking. 14 APRIL 2010 Somewhat Racsist Youtube Video Of the Week: “Giant Hole”, the Enlgish “translation” of A.R. Rahman’s “Jai Ho” The Profile TOO MUCH CHOCOLATE Carmen Culina and Tony Mundine get 09 The Post 03 chummy. Missives or Epistles? The Arts-Hole The fight for the best synonym for letters 10 Bridie Connellan felt the attraction of the continues. The Uni-Cycle Edward Sharpe & Magnetic Zeros. 04 Hannah Lee thinks superheroes should stay Sheenal Singh has a bad back. superheroey. Tim Whelan topped the state in Frogger on the Ruby Prosser does not want to hear about ATAR. how “hectic” was. Elle Jones went to Easter mass and a debating Aleks Wansbrough tries a little tenderness. competition. In short, a mass... Daniel Zwi goes Cloud watching. Mekela Panditharatne got diplomatic in Diana Tjoeng develops Stockholm Syndrome. Taipei.Which is more than can be said for the Chinese. David Mulligan caused some public nuisance at Law Camp. The Mains 12 The Lodgers 06 Nicole Buskiewicz spent two hours with WHY ARE YOU WEARING THAT Ted Talas got wet at a college event.The annual the Queen. STUPID EASTER ? intercol rowing regatta. Ed McGrath experiences the revenge of the (travel) nerds. Joe Smith-Davies goes 12 rounds with Turnbull. (more) Usual Suspects 14 THE HYPOTHETICAL: Monica Connors sleeps in a buffalo carcass. Tom Marr and Joe Payten engage in Would you rather Vicariously. some constitutional fisticuffs. Ian Mack answers in the affirmative. Wheel a bin from Sydney to Brisbane OR The Usual Suspects Lars Oscar Hedstrom achieves a Daniel Zwi counts down the top five intergers. 07 Quantum of Solitaire. Drink all the bin juice in that bin Geddit? : FAQ David Mack is on a first slogan name basis with the Is the bin full of bin juice? No, but it contains the residue from a to celebrate Union candidates. SRC 15 your possible trip to Brisbane. Danger! High Voltage! Ruby Prosser handles How long do I have to complete the journey? per diem and bush tucker. electrocution experimentation with care. SUPRA As long as you like- but you cannot get paid during that 18 Taryn Quarmby had an eggsellent Easter Show. time and must subsist on a modest Bletchley Park What happens when I get to Brisbane? 20 There is another bin waiting for you for the return journey. Riddle me that. Can I push the bin to raise awareness of a worthy No. Allan Border can walk for charity, but you just cause? can’t. The 21 - 23 EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Joe Smith-Davies EDITORS Bridie Connellan, Carmen Culina, Naomi Hart, Henry Hawthorne, Ben Jenkins, David Mack, Joe Payten, Anusha Rutnam, Diana Tjoeng REPORTERS Nicole Buskiewicz, Monica Connors, Lars Oscar Hedstrom, Hannah Lee, Tom Marr, Ed McGrath, David Mulligan, Mekela Panditharatne Ruby Prosser, Ted Talas, Aleks Wansbrough, Tim Whelan, Daniel Zwi CONTRIBUTORS Elle Jones, Ian Mack, Sheenal Singh, Taryn Quarmby PUZZLES & CROSSWORD Benny Davis, Mark Sutton

everyone be nice to @Justin- Beiber and leave her alone! 4 minutes ago via web DISCLAIMER everyone be nice to @Justin- Honi Soit is published by the Students’ Representative Council, University of Sydney, 1 Wentworth Building, City Road, University of Sydney, Tranter and leave him alone! 22 minutes ago via web NSW, 2006. The SRC’s operation costs, space and administrative support are financed by the University of Sydney. The editors of Honi Soit and the SRC everyone throw stuff @Bill- acknowledge the traditional owners of this land, the Gadigal people of the Eora nation. Honi Soit is written, printed, and distributed on Aboriginal land. Kaulitz. He/She’s a real freak! Honi Soit is printed under the auspices of the SRC’s directors of student publications: Mel Brooks, Tim Mooney, Alistair Stephenson and Andy Thomas. 2 hours ago via web All expressions are published on the basis that they are not to be regarded as the opinions of the SRC unless specifically stated. The Council accepts no responsibility for the accuracy of any of the opinions or information contained within this newspaper, nor does it endorse any of the advertisements and insertions. The Post 3 Speaking Our boss CONTENTS of internet seems happy EDITORIAL HONI SOIT, EDITION 5 Dear Honi eds, Well may we say "God save the and he’s more important to the English 14 APRIL 2010 censorship Queen", because nothing will save anyway) and Prince Harry is the first Malcolm McLaren. It seems somewhat chav in the House of Windsor. Noice Thank you for your article regarding Just wanted to thank you all for The Internet Censorship (Issue 3, 17 March). fitting that the release of an Honi issue one, bruv. Garter Press each week. I have been featuring an insightful examination laughing my head off since you started of the merits of the Commonwealth However, if we do decide to suddenly 09 I believe that the internet is quickly doing those pages, which probably now should coincide with the death of the cut the corgi hair apron strings and spinning out of control. The internet explains for the spasm in my neck. irreverent (and sometime reluctant) make the Governor-General President of has become a haven for terrorist babysitter of the loudest, spottiest Australia, our head of state won’t exactly 10 networks, extreme religious groups Keep up the good work, I need more bunch of Lizzie-haters of all time, the be a huge departure from the present. and a myriad of other hate mongering laughter when the University is treasonous Sex Pistols. It may be 33 Instead of a sweet old lady whose name organisations. While child-pornography frustrating and annoying to deal with. years since the Pistols’ urine-stained starts with a “Q”, we’ll have a, err, well is obviously touted as the most coronation into the court of rock n’ that’s pretty much her to a high tee. compelling reason for regulation, I would roll, but it stills seems to me that the Looking forward to next week’s best accompaniment to the off-key On a more festive note, I hope argue dangerous and hate-mongering installment, caterwauling of rebellion is a decent everyone’s Easter was more chocolate religious and political groups are equally rhythm section and not a mobile video and bunny-filled than a Lindt factory as dangerous. Elly Howse camera and a Youtube account. run by Hugh Hefner’s ex-wives. The SRC President Easter “break” always seems something We are naïve in assuming this powerful All bollocks aside, my position on of a misnomer as Professor Buzz technology can continue without proper the whole “Monarchy vs Republic” Killington and his cronies generally pile regulation by governments. In this Probably a debate wavers about as much as on the work and you end up staring situation, the free-speech argument public opinion on whether or not pretty vacantly at 4 billion Powerpoint 12 is dubious and unconvincing. The Prince Harry is actually a racist. I slides rather than holidaying in the fake, but nice must admit I quite like Little Queenie, sun. Anyways, you’re back, we’re back principle of free-speech in its absolute especially given her disdain for Rolf and soon we’ll have a new netsight form cannot dictate our approach to nonetheless Harris’s frightful daubs, but I a don’t too. Expect a launch party with guest technology like the internet because the Hi Honi Soit, really think much of the rest of them. appearances from Rick Astley, the consequences in my mind, i.e. people Prince Charles has large ears, a Numa Numa guy and the dramatic look being easily seduced into organisations terrifying gorgon for a wife (a close squirrel (in ascending order of booking 14 that promote hatred and violence, are Me and my friends on Campus LOVE second to Sarah Jessica in the “Ugliest fee). We’re gonna party like we’re at IP far more abhorrent then a lack of “free Honi Soit. You guys report all the Parker in the world” competition) and address 1.9.9.9. (we’re not). speech”. important social, economic, political, nothing much else, Prince William is educational and bizarre news on a very nice balding twenty-something (but then again so is Wayne Rooney Joe Smith-Davies As a society we have the right and the Campus. Where has the Rumour Mill responsibility to regulate what we find section gone? We love the Rumour to be acceptable and unacceptable Mill because the Campus is a hot bed by now your inbox is brimming with material and how it can be accessed. of rumours, gossip and speculation. numerous emails from gorgeous 15 We ought to prohibit material that Rumours swept throught the O-Week Scandinavian girls....well done again sir, I stalls like wild fire! Also, we love Masie incites hatred against others or involves applaud you. However, I care neither for Write for the annual Snuffington...keep her column in Honi your frivolous attempts to prey on young, 18 the non-consensual exploitation of Honi Soit Women's Edition. Soit. innocent exchange students nor your others, because by not doing so we are All submissions should be sent 20 tacitly expressing our acceptance that insulting comments on, in particular, to womenshonisoit@gmail such material ought to be accessible. It Also, we love The Stalker section...me Danish females. by Friday April 16th. is not acceptable that people should and my friends on Campus are always The Garter 21 - 23 be accessing such material, and if being followed by stalker guys. Keep I demand an immediate retraction on such access can be prevented then us up to date with shady characters on your article on page 3 of Honi Soit (US Check out past editions at we absolutely must support it. If it is Campus. edition) and to meet with you. http://www.src.usyd.edu.au extremely difficult to prevent, as some would say, we should still attempt to Cheers, Regards, regulate it. We are lucky to live in Helene Brogaard society of stability and relative peace Kylie and friends, *Regarding “Bleeding Hearts Club” from Issue 4: The quote Love mail? Hate mail? Male on Male? in Australia, and we must ensure Arts/Science II attributed to Rosemarie Marino was incorrectly identified and not in fact said by her. We apologise for this error. the maintenance of that stability by SEND IT ALL TO regulating access to dangerous and criminal information provided to the Oli Burton [email protected] Starting next week, the best missive we receive New Honi Website populace. will be awarded a wonderful prize that will scores again astound and amaze you. Matt McGirr Bravo, well done Mr. Burton...seems APPROVED! Next Week’s prize: A personally embossed copy Your Honi editors have finally had their SRC Welfare Officer like you've got it all figured out. Surely of Bullstrode Whitelocke’s On Lawmanship. plans for construction of a new Honi website approved by the SRC Executive. The long delay has been due to the need to sort out the new employment contracts the of the SRC’s lovely Publication Managers, Tina and Amanda, and to have the site I noticed your bovine scent before I saw your face. What an allure, you tied your map approved. We move into the next jersey around yourstalker shoulders, clasping some sort of magazine to your chest. phase: construction. Something about the maternal way you caressed it suggested to me you had something to do with publishing the little one, but this is all speculation of course. I The new website has been mapped out only watch from afar. and development begins...well, now. However, we have decided that the most So you like to write? Bull-y for you. You were perusing pages inside your manuscript, appropriate time to launch the new beast will be in conjunction with a new semester, but what I could not say. All I know is it somehow rang bells of my own wondrous so y’all will need to hold onto your hats wondrous words in a more outlandish and more incessant manner. Textually until Semester 2 when this SHIT WILL descriptive stalking is not, apparently, my unique lot in life. GET REAL! LAN PARTY REAL!

But, stop! Where are you off to my pretty? It seems you have an office inManning , Very soon, you’ll be able to access all of but from the looks of your lost expression, perhaps you only need visit once every this year’s articles online AND check out three weeks or so. No matter, such will allow your beauty sleep to increase that web-specific commentary and multimedia. which already does you so much justice. Look we all make claims sweet one, I’m not So, lay off the whole “failed election a Stalker, but… I do know a thing or two about original print. Bonsoir ma petite promises” thing, k? fascsimile. Eds. 4 The Uni-Cycle Uni to judge students Sydney Uni team at by more than ATAR Taipei WorldMUN Tim Whelan on the Uni’s new idea to sort through applicants. Conference Our university’s admission criteria Usyd), or otherwise enough points to are shifting away from the quantitative. meet quo- uh, targets for courses that Mekela Panditharatne acknowledges the diplomat from the great nation of Honi. Where once your direction in life was need a broader sociological makeup. dictated by an arbitrary number (your It was a decision that perhaps made few ATAR/UAI/ENTER), it may now be Predictably, the bourgeoisie has objected. waves on the global stage, but hosting decided by a means test, a background Michael Carr, executive director of the the 19th annual Harvard World Model check and a sphincter-clenching Association of Independent Schools in United Nations conference in Taipei had interview. Oh, and an arbitrary number. NSW, asserts with a straight face, “It is political significance in Taiwan, a state a concern that any student misses out that lost its seat in the United Nations to The change is towards more “holistic” on a university place based purely on the People’s Republic of China in 1971. selection criteria. USyd will set where he or she attended school.” The WorldMUN is a global United Nations admission goals for disadvantaged and 35 per cent of USyd students who weren’t conference that brings together students regional students without mentioning educated on the North Shore or Eastern from around the world for a one-week the Q word (‘quota’, just so you know). Suburbs, and the one per cent who are global youth summit in a different This acknowledges that the HSC, as indigenous, probably agree. international city each year. well-disguised a memory test as any, is a crap assessor of critical thinking skills, Resisting the urge to strike while This year more than 1800 students from intellectual potential or indeed anything the irony’s hot, let’s interrogate the over 48 countries, including 20 from but work ethic and pain threshold. rationale behind this affirmative-action- Sydney University, came together for esque policy. Some argue it represses a week of cross-cultural exchange in “Some of my friends joked that just Realistically, urban private schools meritocracy. Others contend the current Taipei. because of that, you decided to bring attract the best teachers (because of purported meritocracy misrepresents the Model UN to Taiwan,” he said the large salaries they can offer) and actual merit, and that disadvantaged A Taiwanese newspaper reported that humorously. offer more “academic” subjects, which students being better integrated into the Taiwanese government had granted are scaled favourably, than their public professions that are exclusive would serve visas to between 70 and 80 students He stressed that Taiwan had ratified two counterparts. Their students obtain a greater social good than observing a of major universities in China, but the UN human rights conventions last year higher marks, getting them access to two ATAR point difference. students failed to obtain the permission and would adopt them as domestic law. more competitive tertiary courses. of the Chinese government to attend the Overall, the conference was a resounding Sydney Uni, with the highest average In Outliers, Malcolm Gladwell studied a five-day event. success, with vibrant and dynamic admission marks, has the highest race-based affirmative-action program at debate on pressing international issues concentration of private schoolies in the University of Michigan Law School. Despite this, the decision to gratify within committees, and enthusiastic the whole Group of 8. The demand The difference in SAT scores between National Taiwan University’s bid for intercultural mingling at the many for places at Sydney Uni among private the students admitted and those excluded WorldMUN reflected the goodwill within fantastic social events. school students pushes up the academic by the policy was typically less than three the youth of the global community barriers for entry beyond anything the per cent. But the policy meant that over towards Taiwan. The Sydney University delegation public non-selective system can meet. 10 per cent of Michigan law students spent many a happy hour drooling over were given opportunities otherwise out In an address at the opening ceremony, Taipei’s famous street food, sampling This, according to our Oxford-educated of reach. The result: an increasingly the President of Taiwan, Ma Ying-Jeou, the nightlife with newfound friends, Vice Chancellor Michael Spence, is diverse legal profession. said that Taiwan had been excluded and drawing stares by spontaneously unjust. The proposed solution is to from taking part in UN activities in the breaking out into Korean pop on the grant five extra points to students from At Usyd, the status quo, depressingly, past, without specifically attributing the street. disadvantaged schools (identified by survives. We’ll see if anything changes. reason to China’s obstruction. The straight and narrow of lecture ergonomics Sheenal Singh looks at student posture and lecture pews.

Church pews must have taxed the piety course, better health). According to of pilgrims, and in this day and age, the George Institute for International they’re hardly conducive to learning. Health, back pain affects 25% of the While fresh-faced first years may Australian population and costs the be momentarily struck by the crisp, nation in excess of $8 billion dollars The various states of student essay-writing posture esteemed Oxford gravity of lecture a year. Chronic back pain is the most theatres around the university varnished common musculoskeletal condition anything ‘pomo’, of course we’re going packhorses, we slouched, trudged and with a wooden hierarchy of benches, the experienced by people aged 0-24 years to run with it! In 2007 he designed the wiggled our way through the early days good-natured bitching rolls around quite (Australian Bureau of Statistics, 2004-05) ‘bumometer’- 96 sensors are used to of primary school only to fall prey to naturally. Sure the memos etched onto and it’s not hard to see how our learning measure the contours of the buttocks the promise of reward that came with the surfaces provide basic comic relief, environment could potentially contribute when seated to determine what our sitting as high and straight as a bookshelf but bums and backs eventually grow to this statistic. rear ends really need when it comes to (we even threw caution to the wind and tired of moulding to the various hollows creature comfort. Funnily enough, the placed an index finger over a pouting and bumps on the seats. Not to mention It seems nearly impossible to keep results showed that while factors such set of lips to seal the deal). The years of the small gaps that invite diminutive feet our hips, shoulders and ears aligned as weight, height and posture affect subjugation take their toll on us today as to sneak in the occasional kick to the in perpendicular slabs of wood for, our seating patterns, gender is also a we tolerate the rows of gleaming lumber back. The demanding diva in all of us say, a two-hour lecture with a measly primary determinant. Males tended to with alternating moans and groans. It’s finds expression thanks to a cocktail of ten minute break. Without the right produce narrower contours and females the principle of the thing that matters in discomfort, boredom, sheer pain and support, our tendency to slouch and a broader shape (pfft!). But gender- the end- please help us feel less like 19th the occasional urge to scratch something fidget in these benches can result in appropriate seating probably won’t grace century social experiments and more like vapid of our own onto the scarred back pain and the loss of concentration us in the near future as the differences the strapping, able-bodied and intelligent wooden tables. (aha! science justifies our general are too unsubstantial. Apparently it’s also students we could be if we only had a indifference to learning at 9am in the okay to give in to the natural temptation little more lecture theatre love. It may be There’s this thing called ergonomics that morning). But according to Griffith to stretch and collapse our frames into years or decades before our poor backs is highly offended by these structural University Researcher Neil Tuttle, there socially unattractive poses sometimes. get to see the light of a better seating monstrosities. The logic of ergonomics is no such thing as a correct posture. experience in ye olde Carslaw building, goes something like this: greater comfort Wow, anti-essentialism for our buns and There we have it kiddies – the painful but until then, pillows equals greater productivity (and of spines - considering our penchant for truth. Carrying heavy satchels like 5 Debaters SULS at Easters SOC IT First year TO ME: CAMP Sydney students argued the shit out of Melbourne. Elle Jones reports. David Mulligan is at Camp Grenada. Hello Mudda. Last week, the University of Sydney Union completed two hat-tricks at the Australian Intervarsity Debating Like the coming and going of the mating talk on safe sex, a potent symbol which Championships (“Easters”): USU won in the animal kingdom, there evokes fear in the hearts of the unready, the championship and was awarded Best is a certain time each year when the but usually ends up as ammunition for Individual Speaker for the third year student heads of each faculty extract late night water fights. running. their budding young first years from their Proceedings usually commence with studies for a weekend of drunken and forced team building exercises like USU chooses to only send debaters sexually charged socialising, and, like any speed dating which serve as awkward Not a happy camper who have not competed in international yearly phenomenon worthy of a David preliminary activities, usually involving uncomfortable conversations about tournaments to Easters. Other Attenborough special, this occurrence to initiate celebratory proceedings school or gap years followed by several universities send “pro” debaters. That has its share of distinctive characters and this year adorned with his finest black minutes of awkward silence. makes it an extraordinary achievement events who help to define the unholy leather dominatrix outfit whilst Jesse that 11 of the top 32 teams at the 2010 and unnatural ritual known as first year Buckingham, SULS Campus Director, Alcohol is diverse and plentiful, often tournament were USU (novice) teams. camp. decided that first year camp was the costing the GDP of a small African Six USU teams qualified for the finals optimal time to shave his head for a nation; it stands as the lifeblood of the but only three were allowed to compete Before all else, this is the time where cause that was quickly forgotten by entire event. Flowing from dinner to as a result of a cap on the number of each person needs to prove their social proceeding drinks. teams from any one institution that can worth, to prove that the drudgery of the dawn the fight to keep drinking evolves into a last man standing scenario, with debate in the finals. USU 1 (Dom Bowes, HSC has neither lowered their alcohol However, nothing beats the morning drinking games at the evening’s start Alice Hudson and Heydon Letcher); tolerance nor dampened their sexual after. Waking to meet the person you culling off the inexperienced before USU 5 (Julia Baine, Bebe D’Souza and vigour. The epitome of this is the yearly spoke with for three hours last night the real tomfoolery commences, with Will Kingston) and USU 4 (Bronte tradition at law because of your common love of cheese, urine and vomit often providing a visual Lambourne, Nina Ubaldi and Tom camp, where seeing the German exchange student reminder of fallen comrades. Williamson) competed in the finals series. the celebrations walk up from the river he’d slept in

commence with overnight, seeing whether the creepy First year camps also provide fertile USU 5 lost an extremely close quarter- the unveiling Campus Committee member from grounds for members of the faculty’s final to the eventual tournament of the condom second year managed to score with any student body to reignite their inner first runners-up. In a semi-final lauded as the bowl and its first years, and going home to add all year. Angelus Morningstar, the SULS best debate of the tournament, USU 4 accompanying your new best friends on Facebook. narrowly defeated USU 1. In the grand queer officer, thought it appropriate final, USU 4 successfully negated the topic “That African American celebrities should not use the word ‘nigger’”. At a tournament with 100 teams, USU 4 was crowned the Australian Intervarsity CHORAL Debating Champions for 2010. Celebrate the The USU Contingent Captain, Dominic EVENSONG Bowes, was the Best Individual Speaker at the tournament out of more than 300 opening of debaters. Seven of the top 10 individual speakers were from USU. The performance of the USU St Paul’s College Chapel Victoria Park contingent at Melbourne Easters is testament to the depth and strength of Tuesdays in Semester debating at Sydney. If youíre interested in becoming involved in the most 5:45 pm playground successful debating society in not only The St Paul’s College Chapel Choir Australia but the world, come along to Saturday one of our casual “Regionals” meetings David Drury Director of Music

on Wednesdays from 5pm in Education 24 April 2010 Building, Lecture Theatre 351. 11am–1pm

G uides Architectural Open to All City Road, Darlington Watermark Guides LessonsUniversity Architectural SydneyUniversity of Watermark of Sydney The City of Sydney invites ARCHITECTURE Ivan Head Warden University s, inThe University ofstone Sydney is, in many way gs, you to celebrate the official like a small city. It has magnificent buildin nd takes Sydney parklands, shops, banks, cafes, theatres and st of more. It has its own local government a care of its own security. However unlikeen mo influenced Location: 9 City Road, Camperdown University s opening of this new and cities where the buildings have be ARCHITECTURE by surges of commerce, the University ha of Sydney steeldeveloped steadily and grandly over time. & This comprehensive guidebook documentsts built exciting playground for children d ARCHITECTURE the growth of the University through i ined cities with their own definable on environment. It gives detailed historical an e, unlike office buildings in central anecdotes Universities are, in many ways, self-conta architectural information about the buildings Once built the many colleges and lecture s and architecture. However university buildings ar the various campuses plus interesting of all ages and abilities in dom experienced in commercial business districts, built for perpetuity. and brief biographies of leading architect theatres take on characters and auras seloustics of a chapel, a college once inhabited by glass…luminaries. y opher, or the laboratory where a great developments. These may be the ac rawings uildings are therefore frequently viewed The entries in the book are supported b some famous poet, politician or philos Also Victoria Park. or their architectural style or function. new photographs and many rarely seen d scientific discovery was made. University b s and and paintings from the University archives. for their history rather than evaluated f rchitectural styles from the Gothic Revival ARCHITECTURE included are some plans, location map , Brutalist, Postmodern and Late Modern, is a The University of Sydney with its many a is a well-known architecturalturer in microcosm of Australian public suggested walks around campus. Trevor Howells ity of through Italianate, Mediterranean, Modern architecture. From the traditional After several years in productionprovides the a writer and academic. He is a Senior Lec ‘academic’ Gothic buildings of d the Explore the new playground and chitecture. University of Sydney Architecture the Faculty of Architecture at the Univers the early Colonial and s, Sydney and one of its graduates in arTowards the much-needed guide to the buildings an 890- Government Architects through His earlier publications include history of this great institution for visitor and Allen to the glass and steel of the new students and alumni alike. Dawn: Federation Architecture in Australia 1 century, all are carefully recorded enjoy live children’s entertainment , The Terrace House in Australia 1915 . in this guide. Jack + Cottier 1952-2002 lists more than 100 buildings on the only rical, architectural and anecdotal notes and activities. There will be a free The University of Sydney Architecture leading architects. Together they tell the rvrHowells Trevor various campuses with detailed histo . together with brief biographies of their history of the University through its buildings iginal colour photographs, archival coffee or gelato for the first The text is brilliantly supported with or location maps and suggested walks. This is a ts, alumni and visitors alike. drawings and photographs, floor plans, delightful and much needed guide for studen Trevor Howells 500 people. ble Other guides in the series, either availa $40 or in production, include: ISBN 0-949284-75-0 LONA, SYDNEY, MELBOURNE, BRISBANE, PERTH, W REGIONAL VICTORIA, SHANGHAI, BARCE TOKYO, BERLIN The Watermark Press 9 780949 284754 Visit us on the World Wide Web at http://www.watermarkpress.com.au Available from University Gift Shop, Main Quadrangle and Co-op Bookshop at Aquatic for more information visit Centre or email (mention Honi Soit) your cityofsydney.nsw.gov.au/whatson post-free order to: [email protected] or call 9265 9333 6 The Lodgers In Colour!

Ed McGrath warns jocks: your next travel COLLEGE Wanderlust bestie may not be who they say they are. Ted Talas rows, rows, rows his boat On first inspection, it seems that European Everyone’s first experience of hostels are overflowing rowing is exactly the same. with Italians who neither As a small child we all hear look nor act Italian the same nursery rhyme. (leading to my conclusion We are left with the same that The Fonz really is existential dread once we dead) and missing the realize that perhaps life is but Taupe grey of the social a dream. Most importantly, spectrum: the nerd. from the moment we hear However, if you scratch this old-time ditty we think the surface (not too hard of rowing as a pleasant mind, given the structural activity, most conducive to all integrity of these places), kinds of merriment. you find that reports of the death of Johnny However, I have never Pointdexter have been actually rowed a boat before. greatly exaggerated. The rare transnationatus nerdus Kandinsky’s “A Celebration of Colour Ink (The Rowers)” If you asked someone who temptation of showing me his itinerary. could have done as Paul’s led from had, I imagine they would tell you a It is not difficult to spot the nerds That’s when I began to worry. different story. A story of countless gym the front to memorably take home the of yesteryear; those algebra loving prestigious Rawson men’s eight. sessions, hard work and excessively bookworms have become a tiresome His itinerary was not a list of flights tight clothing. This is the story of cliché in encyclopedias of youth culture given by a travel agent, but something St Andrew’s did find success in intercollegiate rowing 2010. such as American Pie. Their glasses and that rivalled The Lord of the Rings in the women’s races, winning both introverted demenour that once helped length and complexity. Sitting there races against stiff competition from The morning started the night before, them to avoid the jock now do the exact in absolute despair I tried to redeem Women’s and Wesley. However, as well with the majority of colleges providing opposite and alert us to their presence. my judgement of his normality by as a Rosebowl trophy, Drew’s took an expertly trained security detail to examining his clothing. That’s when I home two important lessons: pre- ensure the safety of their respective craft. As scary as it is, my travels alerted me to noticed the hiking boots and Kathmandu emptive victory celebrations are always A testament to their professionalism, the a new stage in the evolution of the nerd; jacket. I was forced to sit on the train a risky option, and Rawson success boatkeepers all seemed to successfully the elusive transnationatus nerdus, more for another three hours listening to is not dependent on the size of your protect their boats, with one Drewsman commonly known as the travel nerd. I his experiences in Rome, Venice and chequebook. The latter lesson, and even finding time to fit in some early scares me to say it, but I nearly made the Dubrovnik which forever tainted those the Paul’s victory, surely demonstrates morning swimming training and mistake of befriending one. Here is the places in my imagination. Luckily I was everything that is great about Rawson diptheria-catching before the race. story. smart enough to make a run for it in sport, namely the importance of spirit, Budapest, making my experience there banter and the support of the crowd However, the morning didn’t really kick Everything was going great with my new just that much better. off until the crowds arrived. Numerically, in getting your team across the line. best buddy from Melbourne when we St Andrew’s appeared to outnumber the met in Krakow on a train to Budapest. So beware my jock friends: the nerd My experiences at Penrith did not rest of intercol, though they appeared We shared lunch, took photographs has replaced his computer know-how entirely corrode the perceptions of too preoccupied holding each other together and even pledged to become with travel experience, his essays with rowing I developed by listening to up to actually watch the races, let friends on Facebook. Great, until I told travel itineraries and his glasses with nursery rhymes. Rowing is still a sport alone cheer on their heavily-favoured him that I didn’t know where I was superfluous first-aid kits and a nice pair conducive to merriment – but only if and highly-priced rowers. However, it going after Budapest. He was completely of hiking boots. remains to be seen what a few cheers you win. shocked and could not avoid the

If [...... ] was a STUFF USYD COLIN FIRTH STUDENTS LIKE HOLLYWOOD #392 Bear Grylls RAGING MOVIE Whether it’s a result of our sheltered home lives or spending too much time cooped up in TURNBULL Fisher Library, it appears that Usyd students THIS WEEK: THE LIFE OF MALCOLM TURNBULL can’t get enough of Man vs. Wild’s Bear Grylls. During the drudgery of a semester’s course work, we like to watch Bear’s daring exploits Raging Turnbull is the story of recently Estevez, son of the revered Martin in harsh landscapes. Swimming through retired pugilist Malcolm “The Banker” Sheen) and amasses a considerable frozen Siberian lakes, escaping quicksand, Turnbull (Colin Firth, in a long-awaited fortune. building rafts out of bamboo shoots are all departure from wet-blousery). cool antidotes to studying HSTY6987. A Doctor” Nelson (Brian Brown), Turnbull On the eve of his 50th birthday, feeling short time spent at Usyd and you become soft overcomes Nelson in their second fight, like a goat’s testicle, and what does Bear do The story begins with the first encounter he had achieved all he could in his other “Turnbull vs Nelson II: The Spillover”. with goat’s testicles? He eats them. between Turnbull and legendary endeavours, Turnbull decides to make promoter Kerry Packer (Christopher a second foray into the heavyweight However, with the title fight in his If I’m truly honest, however, the real reasons Plummer), who promises Turnbull division, winning a spiteful and highly sights Turnbull is vanquished by Tony behind the Usyd student obsession with Bear immeasurable riches if he agrees to fight publicised bout with Peter King (Peter “The Mad Monk” Abbott (Matthew Grylls are quite simple: the boys watch him in Packer’s new World Series Boxing, a Phelps) to secure the second tier to be reminded that they can still grow hair McConaughey) by the merest of middleweight competition run outside Wentworth belt. on their chest and the girls watch him to hear margins. the auspices of The World Boxing him say ‘slippy’ in that Eton prep accent. Federation. Turnbull is a raging success, After the defeat of John “Winston” The film ends ambiguously: will Though we love to watch him, if a Usyd clinically picking apart “The Goanna” in Howard (Mel Gibson) by Kevin “07” Turnbull resign himself to a life of student actually attempted to have a Man vs. his first high profile fight and remaining Rudd (a buffed-up Philip Seymour unfettered comfort or seek redemption Wild experience, it is more undefeated in his time under Packer’s Hoffman) for the Heavyweight in the Bantamweight Division against than likely that with our soft tutelage. Championship, Turnbull is involved the likes of Kristina “Aussie” Keneally survival skills we would end in several stoushes to secure the No. (Angelina Jolie) and Barry “Fatty up drinking our own tears to Turnbull then establishes his own gym, 1 Contender mantle to face Rudd in stay hydrated. O’Barrel” O’Farrell (David Wenham in Turnbull Whitlam & Co, with friend and the 2010 Heavyweight Championship. a fatsuit)? fellow combatant Nick Whitlam (Emilio After losing the first to Brendan “The Monica Connors Joe Smith-Davies In Colour! The Usual Suspects 7

“OooOOoo! I’m Daniel Zwi counts down the top INTEGERS. ‘Ghost Dad’! You COUNTDOWN screwed up son! Shouldn’t banged THIRTEEN (13) 5 them ho-bags! Nah, I Cold, calculating, notoriously indivisible: few numbers can match the controversy inspired by thirteen. To say it’s still love ya, though. had a bad wrap would be an understatement; it was long considered so terrifying that it warranted its own phobia Buy Nike Products.” (Triskaidekaphobia). Yet the notion that thirteen is unlucky has become an anachronism. These days, legions of progressive youths have cast away centuries of superstition and embraced this bad-boy of the number line, perhaps because, like Magneto or Wilson Tuckey, its rebel-status makes it pretty hot. TIGER WOODS' DEAD DAD SAYS THE DARNDEST SEVEN (7) 4 THINGS...IN ADS Seven gets mad props for being the only number below ten with two syllables. It’s difficult to know whether its significance is a result of this attribute or if its inherent importance is manifested in an extra syllable, but origins aside, the symbolic worth of this integer is incontestable. Seven wonders of the ancient world, seven days of creation, seven deadly sins, seven Islamic heavens, seven candles on the menorah, seven hills of Rome, seven notes of the major scale, seven Horcruxes of Voldemort and the name George Costanza wanted for his son, to name but a few.

Shit Talk TWENTY FOUR (24) 3 A maternal and unassuming integer, mathematicians have for years observed the innate comforting quality of twenty- four. Opinions diverge as to the source of this phenomenon, but early studies put it down to the fact that there are twenty-four beers in a crate. This hypothesis has since been discarded in favour of the theory that twenty-four is so uplifting because it has so many factors. 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 8, 12… this is one divisible motherfucker. Sure, it lacks the pizzazz of thirteen, but when you can be split more ways than the Liberals under Malcolm Turnbull, who needs sex appeal?

ONE MILLION (1,000,000) 2 One million. Say it slowly and feel your pinkie move involuntarily to the corner of your mouth. Write it down and experience an urge to precede it by the dollar sign. This iconic integer encapsulates the commercial world. It’s flashy, it’s fast, it even looks like a limo if you use your imagination. Also, it’s a lot. A thousand thousand? They don’t get much bigger than that.

ZERO (0) 1 It seems ironic to award top spot to a number that is literally worth nothing, but I didn’t have a choice; zero is objectively the best integer. It enjoys a plethora of cool sounding names like zilch, nil, nada and zip. It’s also the patriarch of the counting system, not unlike a numerical Dalai Lama in the palpable aura of mysticism that surrounds it. Zero does weird things to your calculator, like make it say ‘error’ when you divide by it. And have you noticed that The Ladies’, Lower when you multiply it by really, really big numbers like a million, the answer will always be zero? Don’t you see? Zero Level Carslaw always wins.

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CRICOS: 00116K 8 The Usual Suspects THAT'S WHAT to obey the instructions surprisingly readily. This experiment however, received backlash from the scientific and wider community. SHE SAID The distress that the participants experience Ruby Prosser Scully uses shock tactics. is palpable, and as a result Milgram has The best hearsay, gossip and rumours on campus. undergone scrutiny over whether his experiment was an ethical one. Nothing of ‘Le Jeu de la Mort’, or Game of Death, is a the ilk would ever pass ethics boards today. recently aired French documentary showing

THE RACE TO BOARDOM abolishing voluntary student unionism 80 people who believed they were taking part But are ethics ethical everywhere? There in the colleges) has irked more than a in a pilot for a new game show called “The BEGINS seems to be a glaring double standard few, some of whom feel they have no Xtreme Zone”. In front of a vocal crowd and arising between what is permissible in a use for the cards considering they get an encouraging host, they were instructed And your 2010 Union wannabees are… scientific context, and what is permissible to pull a lever to administer electric shocks Deb White, Patrick Massarani, James most of their food at college and rarely elsewhere. People brush off the behaviour to another ‘participant’ in order to punish Flynn, Peter Hong, Alistair Stephenson, visit Manning since they have The of the entertainment industry because it’s them whenever they got a question wrong. Tim Scriven, Ben Tang, Hiltin Xiaoting Salisbury 10ft from their bedrooms. all in fun, and because it is seemingly based Unbeknownst to them, the participant on Guo, Tom Robson, Sibella Matthews Thomas’ association with Mann and on the choices made by a rational adult. the receiving end of the shocks was in fact an Bateman (the architects behind the new However, the prominent findings from and Vivienne Moxham-Hall. 12 actor. Every time the shock was administered, both the Little Albert and Stanford Prison candidates. Five spots. One survivor. scheme) meant that some at college a recording was played of the actor crying Experiment, where the world learnt the saw him as being aligned to the policy. out in agony, sometimes begging to be let go. important phenomena of conditioning and Some of these people we’ve reported Massarani is said to have been ‘talked in’ At the highest voltage, 450V, the actor fell the psychological effects of acting the role to running in opposition to the scheme silent – to be interpreted by the contestant as on in the past, but others are Honi of either a prisoner or guard, are no longer him either losing consciousness or dying. newcomers. In the coming weeks, we’ll and he admitted he did have “initial considered to be worth the emotional trauma be providing you with more information reservations” about the scheme, but that they caused. on all the candidates, but first let’s meet... wants to “look forwards not backwards.” Game of Death is derivative of the famous ‘60s’ Milgram Experiment. Stanley Milgram Scientific discovery is integral to the sought to uncover whether the atrocities Hiltin Guo is a Chinese international The last players in this game seem betterment of humanity. But of course committed by ‘average’ people in Nazi student who is likely to make the most to be the Paul’s student committee, a we need to draw the line somewhere Germany necessarily implied an aligned between scientific advancement and human of a strong international student support group of boys elected by the college to sense of morality with those in power. Prior rights. One of the arguments against base. organise events and run the business of to the experiment, only around 1% were Milgram was that the individuals could not the college, some of whom are against predicted to carry through with inflicting knowingly consent, owing to the necessity Ben Tang will be running as an the Access card scheme. There also the maximum 450V shock. Shockingly, 65% of concealment in human experiments. independent “free of support from seems to be some discontent among the carried on to the lethal maximum voltage and Nevertheless, at least 84% of Milgram’s any political group or current board committee that anyone should ever feel only one refused before 300V, with similar participants were happy to have participated, directors.” We suggested that he use “IT somehow entitled to ‘the college vote’ or results replicated in Game of Death and some to the point of personally writing in to elsewhere worldwide. Bear in mind that our HAS A BIT OF A TANG TO IT” as his see themselves as ‘the college candidate.’ thank him. Australian power outlets only reach 240V! slogan. He said he would think about it. Not wanting to get drawn in, the So it seems strange that an almost exact We like to think that our actions stem replica of this experiment is permissible The other candidates have been committee told both candidates from the kind of person that we are; good in hands like those of the creators of The less forthcoming with comments, that they would not be handing out people do good things, and bad people do Game of Death but not in the ones seeking unsurprising given the amount of any endorsements. Some have said bad things. So, were they forced to shock to expand the realm of knowledge for the Massarani was prepared to defer his someone? Were there huge material gains campaign planning they are probably advancement of mankind. Is it a retreat to be had? Did they want to? The answer doing at the moments. vote on board, if endorsed (and elected), from our trust in the scientific community to all of these is no. Yet disturbingly, a calm to the committee, but he denies this, that allows this double standard to occur? authority figure wins out against fundamental So, in lieu of juicier information, we calling it ‘absurd.’ “There has to be Or is it just our insatiable lust for more and moral imperatives more often than not, even decided to print a few slogan suggestions. independence,” he said. “It’s one thing more graphic voyeurism, bordering on the with the screams and pleadings of another to be a positive ambassador, and another colosseums and blood sports of old? Perhaps For James Flynn, we put forward “In human being in their ears. It’s fascinating and psychologists should put down the rats and Like Flynn”, and for Tom Robson to be a soldier taking blind orders.” confronting to watch participants sweating, pick up the remote. the somewhat inelegant but hard- shaking, nervously giggling, and pleading for hitting “Certainly Better Than Tom Despite Massarani’s decision to run as an the other person to be let go – yet continuing Robertson”. independent (which seems slightly odd given he currently serves on the SRC as AND WHERE IS ANDY a Unity (Labor Right) candidate), and Woolworths Pavilion first, just in time for THOMAS? despite the committee’s continued refusal second breakfast. The rule here is, if it’s free, to endorse any candidate, Massarani you must eat it. Salmon Jerky? Check. Chilli The most interesting part of the Board said he sees himself now as “the college wine? Check. Red wine spritzer? Check. elections may just be the decision of St. candidate.” Paul’s student Andy Thomas not to run. By the end of this arduous journey we were Thomas, as we have previously reported, still hungry, so we decided it was time for When I pointed out to him that he has been considering running for a some ‘Shit on a Stick’. This fabulous invention, also said that there is no such thing as for the uninformed, involves taking a normal while and had even enlisted a campaign The Sydney Royal Easter Show is once again everything “an annual college candidate”, he said food item, such as a Frankfurt or a stick of manager in current Board member Dave it’s cracked up to be, writes Taryn Quarmby he now feels “the mood of college is chess, dipping it in batter and then deep- Mann, as well as help from President supporting my campaign.” Being your average Sydney-Sider, I’ve been frying it to oblivion. Did I mention that it is Pat Bateman. He was shaping up to be a to the Easter Show once or twice before (ok, conveniently positioned on the end of a stick very strong campaigner. The absence of maybe every year since I was born). When for easy consumption? Brilliant!! When asked whether Thomas’ decision Andy’s name from the list of candidates the supermarkets begin to pack away their not to run made it an easier race for Christmas baubles and outlandish flashing Before I continue, I should mention that any thus comes as something of a surprise. him, Massarani would not be drawn Santa hats, I can only think of one thing – the calories consumed at the Easter Show (like in, saying, “I’m disappointed he’s not imminent arrival of the Easter show. those in Airports) don’t count. It is simply It seems there are a few things going on running, but it won’t be easy in any a guilt-free fantasyland – not unlike Willy here. Firstly, Pat Massarani, also from The sight of buxom bovines next to the butcher Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. case.” Paul’s, decided to throw his hat in to the show, the waft of Nana-mothballs in the ring. After being elected to the SRC and cake pavilion and the vinyl and stripy Other notable moments included the Anne In the end, Thomas tells us that he just highlighted hair at the dog shows only serve to Geddes-esque giant tomatoes and capsicums running for Senate all in his first year at realised his heart wasn’t really in it and enhance my love and devotion to the show. that littered the flower pavilion, the Gossip uni, Massarani is becoming something of he decided the politics didn’t interest Girl Show bag (awesome!) and obviously a political presence on campus. Although some serious perving at the Woodchopping. him. He feels strongly that there’s no The Easter Show is a family affair that must he and Thomas arguably share different begin early. Show guide newspaper lift-outs and scandal or political intrigue here. ‘bases’, they are both Paul’s boys, and website printouts litter the kitchen table weeks I am saddened that our day did not involve a Robosaurus viewing – a giant robot dinosaur Massarani’s involvement may have come before the event, with a ‘plan of attack’ needed It’s a shame he’s not running. I feel for show day. There is only one day to visit the that eats cars (obviously...), as I have only fond as a surprise to Thomas (Not through the race might have been much more Show – Easter Sunday, and the day must begin memories of this mystical creature from it’s any hubris on his part, but just that in interesting. with the traditional Chocolate breakfast. last visit to our shores 10 years ago. However, recent years there has only generally we needed to end our day and head back been one candidate from college). We arrived at the show at 9:30 (yes, in the to the real world, but not before a delicious David Mack AM, people), toting a Digital SLR Camera with Cheese Gozleme was happily consumed. detachable flash, hats, sunnies and sturdy Secondly, the introduction of mandatory (read: nerdy) walking shoes in tow. We hit the I’m already looking forward to next year! Access cards for all college students (i.e. The Profile 9 Hi, I'm Honi Soit, you must be Mick Mundine Carmen Culina meets with the Aborignal elder and Redfern champion.

It was oddly exhilarating to finally have a reason to swing a left into the notorious In addition to creating new and area known as The Block instead affordable housing, the Pemulwuy of continuing the usual dry trudge Project aims to restore a strong and straight into Redfern station, as I had healthy Indigenous community to done hundreds of times before. Mick Redfern, and alleviate many of the Mundine was sitting by a window in the social problems that have crippled second storey of the Aboriginal Housing the community since the early 1990’s. Company (AHC), overlooking the street But many locals think Mundine is too below. The company was incorporated ambitious - “A lot of my people say, in 1973 and became the first community- ‘Mick, get out of here, that will never housing provider in Australia, work’, but don’t ask me how, I just think combating the discrimination Aborigines sometimes you have got to have faith in experienced in the private rental market. what you are doing. I get condemned Mick was hired as a painter by the because my own people don’t like company 35 years ago, and his rise change, but if you help them visualise it, through the ranks culminated in his they can see that it is good”. appointment as the new CEO ten years later, no mean feat for someone with Mundine’s gaze rests on images for no administrative training, who “came the Pemulway Project concept plans straight from the grass roots”. which are resting on the ledge of the whiteboard behind my head. “I believe Twenty-seven years down the track our people can’t just be blaming for the Mick remains at the helm of the multi- rest of our lives,” he says. “It is about award winning organisation and at the respecting yourself. You don’t forget what forefront of a struggle for Aboriginal happened, the past will never go away, Aboriginal crusader, Mick Mundine. betterment and self determination in but it is time for us to stand up and be the Redfern community. Has he ever counted for. We want the new complex “I believe our people can’t just be blaming for the rest thought about leaving? “I’ve never had to be a welcoming place that everyone of our lives. It is about respecting yourself. You don’t time to think about getting another job,” can use so we can help break down the he says. “Maybe sometimes in life there barriers, and move forward.” forget what happened, the past will never go away, but is destiny, and who knows, this could be it is time for us to stand up and be counted for.” my destiny.” This desire for progress prompted the idea to ask Prince William to help The Pemulwuy Project has been the repatriate the skull of Pemulwuy, an by Pemulwuy’s story and had started a a national level, however Mick believes chief undertaking of the AHC for the Aboriginal warrior decapitated by the “supremely important search” to locate that Kevin Rudd’s apology for the Stolen past ten years. The project plan to British over 200 years ago. “There is the skull. Whilst there is no guarantee Generation acknowledges but one of re-develop The Block with a mix of a deep wound in the Aboriginal spirit the remains will be found and returned, many issues. “I really feel if Kevin would commercial and residential development, about what happened to Pemulwuy. it is clear that the Prince left a lasting give the recognition to the Aboriginal with the possibility of including new If we get his head back, maybe, then impression on many in the community, people for having stolen our land it student accommodation. “We don’t we can start bridging the gap, maybe winning over elders and youth with would cover all the points” he says. want the next generation to go through reconciliation can start properly warmth and gentility. “Honestly, you the same vicious cycle this generation flowing”. has gone through with crime, drugs should have seen his spirit- who wouldn’t Mick draws my attention to a large scrap want a king like that?,” Mick says. “I book on the table, filled with newspaper and alcohol. Things need to change, Mick’s eyes light up when he talks really think that he has his mother’s clippings published about The Block that is why we started the Pemulwuy about Prince William’s visit to The spirit.” which he has been collecting since the Project”, Mick explains. Contrary to Block in January. “For him to come 1970’s. We spend a few minutes flipping popular belief The Block is private land, here to Redfern and show that respect, But what about Australia becoming through the hundreds of articles which purchased and managed by the AHC. it is a blessing”. Despite his confident a Republic? There is a break in the document the struggle of the Aboriginal It has been the site of much controversy appearance Mick admits to being joviality and Mick suddenly becomes community in Redfern. “We’ve planted not least because the barely 8,000 square incredibly nervous before meeting our pensive. “I do think we should be a the seed, we are trying to re-birth the meter block is prime real estate, right future monarch, “We were talking just different country of our own,” he says. spirit of this land,” he explains. “I reckon next to the second biggest train station in like you and me here. He doesn’t talk “There is a lot of resentment from the we will be the role model for the future, the CBD. down on you, even though he’s much Aboriginal people about what happened if we can fix up Redfern, the good taller than me.” The AHC have been engaged in “a with the first fleet and Pemulwuy, so you karma will start flowing out of here to can’t really blame a lot of our people the country area, to the rest of NSW, to very hard and vicious journey”, battling The fact that the prince was listening was for not respecting the Queen. Maybe this country.” an unsupportive state government, confirmed with a letter Mick received if Prince William could help heal that particularly Frank Sartor, the former late March. “When I received the letter, wound it could be a different kettle of The AHC should have a sound idea as Minister for Planning, who was one I thought it was bullshit! I don’t have the fish”. to the future of the project development of the project’s most vocal critics. faintest idea why he sent it to me. There by the time fundraising happens in June. Fortunately for the AHC government were other people in the welcome party Mick confesses that his letter in response “We hope to be excavating by next ministers come and go, and the 2008 and on the committee. The others are is quite political. “It talks a lot about year” , Mick says with fingers crossed. I appointment of Kristina Keneally as probably a bit jealous it came to me, healing the wound and moving forward,” closed the scrapbook, confident that the Minister for Planning breathed new life but what can I do?!” Mick laughs. “I’ve he says. “It talks about the Pemulwuy, it future entries about The Block would into the project. “I have a lot of respect made sure they all got copies”. for that woman,” he says. “She has got mentions money- [he laughs] who knows be brighter, thanks to the persistence maybe he might send some over!” and vision of a man modest in his a lot of passion and common sense and Written by Jamie Lowther-Pinkerton, achievements, direct in his approach, she has helped us get to where we are Prince William’s private secretary, the There has been growing recognition of and steadfast in his principals. now.” letter says the prince was deeply moved the need to acknowledge past mistakes at 10 The Arts Hole w EDWARD SHARPE AND THE MAGNETIC SOUNDS ZEROS Bridie Connellan rocks out with her sock out at Edward Sharpe’s live Metro concert.

Last week, I saw Jesus. Tall guy the troupe, it wasn’t difficult to be drawn to follow it up with live. The task right? Affable sort? Beardy? Lengthy to the cult of the Magnetic Zeros. The seemed daunting for the Zeros as white kaftan-esque garment, slightly collective nature of the 11-piece band they exchanged glances and ‘huh’s’ unwashed, inevitably draws people to rang bells of an Arcade Fire-esque quality, in a kind of nervous stupor, but his feet? Rousing? Moderately aloof yet as the uber-jam atmos should have been the solution swiftly made itself endearing? You know the cove. Oh sweet an impetus for audience hoedowning. I apparent; let’s just chill. It sure Revelations, it’s just Edward Sharpe. say should, because these Sydneyslicker takes a special kind of artist to Then again, same difference really. iceblocks sure took their time warming entice Metro attendees to sit on the to the shindig. Frustratingly, with their theatre’s dirty dirty floor just for a These Zeros are Heroes Edward Sharpe is Alexander Ebert, a awkward mumbling over lyrics to lesser- singalong, but after the single hoedown somewhat enigmatic frontman whose known singles ‘40 Day Dream’ and it sure was time for a little sit and roots lie in electronic indie with the group ‘Kisses Over Babylon’, the majority of contemplation, as a sweetly captivating The innocent romance between the two Ima Robot. The fabled tale of his midlife -bandwagoners were waiting for Kumbaya scene ensued. The messiah and vocalists put audience hands in hands, re-think saw him banish negativity and just one thing. Castrinos called to her his family decided there weren’t enough heads on shoulders, and even grins cynicism from his mindtank and craft the man mid-show, ‘Come on Alexander, let’s of them onstage and thus rallied a few on security guard dials, as Jade and imaginary character of Edward Sharpe go “Home”.’ From the first whistled notes lucky punters to join them in communal Alexander played the part of ‘adorably- as some sort of healing shaman for the of this signature track, spectators brushed embrace. Of course the allowance of loved-up-duo’ so divinely that even the masses. Alongside his pixie of a partner off those icy gig-frosticles, sending the patrons onstage will always bring that one most apathetic singles in the room surely (in both crimes of do-gooding and Metro into one Woodstockian lovefest guy who holds his arms up, phone in one felt their bliss. Hot and heavy pumpkin romance) Jade Castrinos, the pair took that dared not keep a straight face. palm, beer in the other, burling the lyrics pie to boot, as their lyrics suggest Edward to the road in a big white bus, eventually Tambourines at the ready, whistle lips to a soft folk ballad like it was Muse, and Sharpe and his bunch of Magnetic Zeros coming ‘Home’ to a ridiculously prepped, there is a darn good reason this nodding his head to a beat that does not, truly were the apple of the audience’s infectious hit single. The accompanying sock hoppin’ rhubarb of a song brings in fact, exist. However, for the most part, eye. Accordions, acoustics, accentuations album Up From Below could not bring such joy, particularly as the whimsical the addition of a few extra tone-deaf on Southern drawls, this was Alabama, more joy if it was made of marzipan. banter of the bridge strayed into a jolly voices in the onstage mics was nothing Arkansaw and animated adventure nicely Grab a bunch of jolly musos, slap them commentary on purple socks. Holy, short of heartwarming and downright wrapped in a manky kaftan and a floral with a collective moniker of Magnetic moley, me oh my, ‘twas grand. pleasant. Swaying and clapping without frock. Amen, Edward Sharpe. Amen. Zeros, and make some downright blissful much decorum to speak of, there was sounds. Simple. Happy. Beautiful. The only problem with having a hell of truly nowhere else this cynic cared to be. 4/5 a gun of a hit single, is finding something Thus, at the first of two Sydney shows for

Kick- SOUND/ STAGE SCREEN ASS If music be the food of love, then Ruby Hannah Lee is kicking herself (in the ass) Prosser Scully is turning bulimic. Concerts Despite the fact that he’s an ordinary teenager with no powers of any kind, Dave What really grinds my gears? Concerts. with more vigour, spawning a seething Lizewski (Aaron Johnson) dons a superhero Everything about them winds me up – mass of vitriol that you can only just outfit to fight crime, dubbing himself the crowds, the overloud music, standing temper. And you’ve made your last ‘Kick-Ass’ in a bid to show everyone that in lines, how expensive tickets are now, move, because any further back and there’s still some heroism left in the world. the exorbitant prices of drinks, parking, you’d find yourself inadvertently Unfortunately, most of the ass-kicking all the pretentious “seen em live” fuckwits, entering into a ménage a trois with Guy on right: “Personally, I prefer Miley’s Hannah throughout this movie was done by me, getting out afterwards, security, the list the couple (they may have met that Montana phase to her current output”. Guys on left: : to my own ass, for giving up my time and “Why you little...” goes on. night) who are obnoxiously macking money to see this lame bloodbath. on behind you. Kick-Ass At first I thought that maybe it was an that guy trying to have, not one, but two In , Dave isn’t just lacking in super powers – he lacks charisma, likeable aberration, that maybe I’d just got the Then there are the drunken arseholes phone conversations during the middle of personality traits and that alluring sense of wrong end of the disco stick. Surely singing. I didn’t pay $70 to hear you the Pixies. complexity inherent in the superheroes we people were raving, about and at, concerts mangle Josh Pyke’s beautiful melodies love to see translated onto the screen from for good reason. But no. with your out of tune bawling. If you And a more recent phenomenon – people wanted to sing along to his songs, go who stand there and record it all on their the pages of our comic books. Don’t get me wrong, the film deals with a concept that home, play his album on your iTunes at shitty camera, successfully blocking my I’ll start with the people. The people could potentially be engaging, humorous max volume and bellow along at your view of the band. Thanks for getting one next to you. The people in front of you. and entertaining, but it falls short on all leisure. Piss off your neighbours and thing right, dickhead. The people behind you. The constant these aspects, dealing the audience a painful at least they know where you live and subliminal threat of groping. There’s blow of predictable moves commonly always that one person in front who is can adequately seek retribution for your And when did encores become de jour featured in teen flicks. too tall, there’s always that jerk who is crimes against music and decency. for any show anyway? Alright, I’ll accept too drunk, dancing too flamboyantly. It’s I’d take a stint in Guantanamo Bay it, even if I don’t like it. What I won’t Too violent for kids, but too simplistic and like for this hour and a half you’ve gotten over all-ages gigs any day. Sharing a cell tolerate is double encores. Now you’re just childish for anyone over the age of fifteen, into some kind of ersatz relationship with with Osama would be better than being reeking of attention-seeking infantilism. Kick-Ass unsuccessfully attempts to generate this guy – he’s getting too close too soon, surrounded by 14 year olds adorned with In fact it’s not just encores, it’s the entire the cool that was born in the original comic he’s starting to annoy you a bit, you try to glow sticks, asking for pills at a Klaxons set. You’ve got to wade it out through book. There is something disconcerting ignore it and keep your eye on the prize, concert... in the seating section. At least all those songs you don’t know, but clap about seeing an eleven year old girl stab a pretending life is okay for now. Soon he’s they got the genre right, unlike the very as if you care. The egotistic musicians knife through a guy’s face, as the vigilante really invading your personal space, so same individuals (or different – who who think you are interested in their hero ‘Hit Girl’ (Chloe Moretz) does you decide to stand your ground and knows, they all look the same these self-indulgent creativity. Excuse me; I’m alongside her father, ‘Big Daddy’ (Nicholas Cage). But the film’s attempt to match this leave an elbow to bump into. That doesn’t days anyway) sporting fluoro and glow trying to enjoy my drugs here. excessive violence with corny humour will work, so eventually you give him some sticks at the acoustic concert. At least And don’t get me started on . make you feel like doing some stabbing space. Suddenly he realises that he can the underage have the defence of not knowing any better, unlike those ‘I’m so All in all, when it comes to concerts, don’t yourself. Save yourselves! This film doesn’t flail about with no one holding him back. deserve a title that suggests awesomeness. But he misses the sweet constraints you blasé about this band that I’ve paid to see, waste your time. 2/5 provided and now moves into this space that I’ll text my entire way through it’. Or 1/5 11 JIM MOLAN AT POLITICS SOCIETY STAGE SPEECH LOVE ME TENDER Lewis Hamilton listens, learns and reports, but does not race cars. Aleks Wansbrough on Belvoir’s latest Recently, the Politics Society held a war in Iraq. He was there to talk about In that frank army-style way, Jim was production. unique event for the students of Sydney fighting wars, not about starting them. honest, and he was straight to the point. Tom Holloway’s Love Me Tender is a play University. Jim Molan, a retired Major He was there to talk about the practical We students at university are always laden with themes and ambiguities, General of the Australian Defence challenges faced by our armies, and the talking about wars, and always talking so it seems necessary I should start by Force, brought his weight of experience ways in which they can strive for moral as if we know how they’re operated and describing the story as clearly as possible. to a keen audience in the Quadrangle, and absolute success in wartime. who’s right and who’s wrong. But to hear offering a heart-felt vision into the future the words of a man who has dedicated There are two central characters, a of Australian defence policy. After According to Jim, if a government his life to war was an opportunity rarely mother and father. Their daughter is serving as Chief of Operations in the chooses to engage in a war, it should do so available; Jim brought a real perspective, unexpectedly not in the cast; instead, war in Iraq, Jim has had ground-level with undying commitment to the cause. one you can’t hear from any politicians various narrators, including her parents, experience in one of the world’s most Resilience is the key, he said, to ensuring or academics. Importantly, he brought tell the story of her life. The father adores controversial conflicts. His talk brought that strategic goals are met. If Australia new life to a topic that now seems to be his daughter to the extent that his wife the importance of strategic realism to the is to enter a war, it should be prepared etching its way into the back of the public worries that their relationship may have table; how can you build infrastructure in to put its troops in the line of fire, and mind, and drew lessons which, as much as a pedophilic dimension. Now, the father a country where security has not yet been politicians should be courageous enough we cringe to think of it, will be absolutely is a firefighter, which becomes vital to established? to endure the public scrutiny that may essential to the future of Australian wars. the story when he must choose between result. Wars should be well resourced if saving his daughter’s life or the lives of Jim’s opening set the tone of the speech. they are to succeed, and Australian forces For more information on Politics Society numerous others. He was not there to judge the moral should be prepared to lead rather than events, visit their website at: foundations of Australia entering the simply fight under foreign command. http://usydpoliticssociety.org/ The play begins with a dramatic situation described by three actors. At first, the audience is meant to think a man, the father, has walked in on his wife having CLOUD CONTROL an affair: the wife’s legs are parted and ALBUM LAUNCH there is another man in her company. SOUNDS It is quickly revealed that the wife is giving birth, in the presence of a doctor. Daniel Zwi previews this Sydney Uni band’s new album launch. Tragic farce, huh? The play after all, was inspired by Euripides’ play Iphigenia in In a highly anticipated wash of pastel- a bit like diving headfirst into a pool of Aulis. coloured hype, Sydneysiders Cloud honey. Needless to say, my expectations Control are finally ready to release their were high. But Love Me Tender is a tad too debut album. In the muted lights of encountered it, and if you haven’t, I postmodern. The emphasis on the Abject the Good God Small Club last week I I wasn’t disappointed. From the outset, won’t do it justice anyway. Cloud Control and the pretentious use of symbolism watched them preview material from meandering harmonies between lead is by no means a one-hit wonder, but distracts the audience from the excellent said LP - a pleasure which, if intended to singer Alister Wright and keyboardist I’d be lying if I said this wasn’t their performances and the narrative itself. generate interest prior to its release, was Heidi Lenffer doused the dark room in best song (maybe the best song) and For instance, one scene where the father entirely unnecessary. Indeed, the Sydney aural sunshine. The prominence of bass concert highlight. Coming in a close comes out with bloody hands he proceeds Uni-based quartet’s is already one of the guitar (wielded with aplomb by a dancing second was “This is What I Said”; a Paul to smear onto the stage, is just far too most awaited Australian albums of the Jeremy Kelshaw) gave the music body Simon-esque ditty and one of the only much of a cliché to really engage the year. and momentum; characteristics that examples of Wright’s voice appearing audience. differentiate Cloud Control from more unaccompanied. If I were to nit-pick, I It was the first time I had seen Cloud delicate and melancholy contemporaries would suggest that the band relied too Distractions from the story are plentiful, Control live and I was eager to know like Fleet Foxes or Okkervil River. heavily on harmonies and suffered from with much thematic confusion – there if they could reproduce the pastoral a dearth of minor-chords. But then, I’m are numerous unnecessary allusions to warmth of their recordings on stage. The As the third song began, a collective sigh a miserable person who hates watching animals, and in a gimicky move a living foursome are responsible for creating of pleasure escaped from the crowd. I others have fun. Cloud Control put on lamb is brought on stage. uplifting, country-inspired pop that sits won’t try to describe “Gold Canary” an accomplished, convivial performance somewhere between Neil Young and early because if you have lived in Sydney over which augers very, very well for their Nevertheless, amidst all the pretension, Shins; listening to them before the gig was the past six months you’ve probably imminent debut. Love Me Tender remains interesting. I most enjoyed the device of narration – I love It’s Todd’s birthday and the pair have just sometimes it is annoyingly smug and at story telling. And yes, the play’s opening returned from watching a film together. other times it reveals the brittleness of the was immediately captivating. The friend I Inside their home they are at their most stories we tell ourselves – who is it that went with remained enthralled to the end. STAGEcomfortable and vibrant: they joke really needs convincing? Still, I think the play needed refinement. around and tease each other mercilessly, Ultimately I remain as ambivalent to the STOCKHOLm have cheeky oral sex on the staircase and Bryony Lavery delivers a script that play as the play is ambiguous. Diana Tjoeng straps in for Bryony Todd begins to cook a gourmet dinner almost manages to be as funny as it is Lavery’s white-knuckle drama. for the two of them. But these familiar disturbingly dark. The early part of Love Me Tender is playing at Belvoir and mundane moments of domestic bliss the play illustrates the casual joy of St until April 11. For drama this taut, my advice is this: are interestingly punctuated by energetic relationships with precision while the breathe a hell of a lot beforehand, outbursts of choreographed dance. latter half dissects the dependency, because once the action begins to As the play progresses, these dances obsession and paranoia that can also escalate, you might just forget to exhale. provide a finely tuned physical score to flourish. The set itself figures into the play In this latest production from Sydney the increasingly fragile and disingenuous in a fantastically menacing manner that GIGITY Theatre Company staged in conjunction verbal dialogue that develops between the must be seen to be believed. And you must with Frantic (a British physical couple. see this production – but perhaps not with get out of the house, we dare you. theatre company), we are faced with the your partner, because you may just leave deepest fears about relationships we never From the start, Todd and Kali speak the theatre less sure about them than Project 52’s Hermann’s Heroes even knew we had. As the lights go up, we directly to the audience, switching when you entered. Or maybe you’ll just Need a good laugh during the middle of the are presented with Todd (Socratis Otto) between third person and first person be less sure of what you’ve been telling and Kali (Leeanna Walsman): a couple week? Want to laugh at other students? Or even narration as they tell (and simultaneously yourself all this time... with them? Head on down to Hermann’s Bar for in love, a couple who have transformed act out) stories from the beginning of the best student stand-up this side of Manning. a house into a home together and who their relationship. “And that’s how they 4.5/5 Five bucks if you can afford it. just can’t wait to enjoy their upcoming became us,” sums up Kali brimming Stockholm is playing at Sydney in – you guessed it – Stockholm. Hermann’s Bar with self-satisfaction. The third person Theatre Company Wharf 1 until Wednesdays narration produces the desired effect: April 24. 8pm 12 The Mains

ver the course of the last Prince Phillip, with Charles and Camilla twenty minutes Paul has slowly in tow. but surely spiralled into a state O However when it comes to ‘promoting of quiet panic. the Commonwealth’s virtues’ to a gen- Stroking the lapels of his immaculate eration that’s about as drawn to politics navy suit for the four hundredth time, his as a Defence Minister is to a war inquiry, eyes sit glued to the entrance doorway, at it appears it’s a task not so easily accom- once egging on and fearing Her Maj- plished. esty’s imminent arrival.

His quivering hands reach for his tie. The Common-who-cares? Content the perfect Windsor knot has not miraculously loosened from its rigid The Commonwealth is in crisis. At 60 Current Nations of the Commonwealth. Countries in blue are ‘Commonwealth Republics’, while arrangement, he practices his bow. It’s years old, its relevancy as a key interna- those in red have kept the Queen as head of state. like watching R2D2 at a silent disco. tional association of the 21st century has come under serious question. The majority here were neither avid The Commonwealth is relevant precisely because states that were never British Paul sacrificed his 21st birthday party to Monarchists like Paul nor massive colonies today have a real desire to be attend Commonwealth Day in London. 40 years ago a Gallup poll found 34 per nerds as I had clearly allowed myself part of what they perceive to be an insti- His parents promised him a lavish night cent of Britons identified the association to become. I wondered: how many of tution of enormous economic, social and of celebration. Instead, upon being as the most important part of the world us would even be here if shaking hands political benefit. selected as one of this year’s four young for Britain, on par with those who said with good ol’Liz weren’t sweetening the Australian delegates, he chose to divert America, and one and half times those deal? Opening one of the morning’s seminars those dedicated funds towards this noble who said Europe. on the Commonwealth was Sir Nicholas cause. And there was no chance in hell Self-consciously tucking my recorder Winterton, an outspoken conservative he would jeopardise this defining mo- Today, it’s a vastly different picture: a re- away, it dawned on me: for the younger MP with a rhythmic and bellowing tone ment with poor preparation. cent RCS and YouGov survey found that generations Commonwealth Day was es- only 14 per cent of Britons continued to sentially a non-event. It formed about as that tended to mercilessly emphasise those points of his speech he deemed “I was thinking of bringing my right leg share the same warm and fuzzies for the significant a part of their social calendars most pertinent. back, like this,” he says extending one association. It also found that only one as the Seniors Week Gala Concert. leg stiffly behind him while bending just in two Canadians could name a contem- “The Commonwealth is very impor- as stiffly forward. “...Or should I just porary function, with 53 per cent only Now, I do not claim to be an expert on tant,” he announced. “I personally call go with the standard upper-body tilt?” managing to cite the Commonwealth the workings of the Commonwealth (that it [pause] and many people do he asks with a tortured expression, the Games. would be your traditional English porkie- [pause] the family of the Common- endearing rehearsal continuing. pie right there). However upon having Much to my surprise, I found that such been accepted - with great honour - to wealth.” It’s the evening reception of this year’s apathy permeated very deeply. Earlier partake in its annual celebrations, I did “Countries that were never part of the Commonwealth Day celebrations in that day, voice recorder in hand, I inter- my homework. I learnt a thing or two British Empire are actually desperately London. Paul and I are but two of the rogated my fellow young delegates over about the Commonwealth and why it keen to join the Commonwealth. Na- 26 young delegates from across the Com- canapés and tea. is not only relevant, but essential to the mibia is one, Angola, Mozambique - all monwealth chosen to participate in a day livelihoods of so many states and people these countries and others throughout of tours, debates and discussions. “What inspired you to partake today?” I throughout the world. the world see huge advantage in what is And for a lucky dozen of us, the day queried bright-eyed and ready to men- this very privileged club.” closed with a mixer with some of the tally note those winning lines of venera- world’s high society. tion that I was certain would follow. The Common-what?? Mr Jersey shrugged and said he was “This club which does so much good and brings so many different nations - The Commonwealth Parliamentary As- made to. Mr Wales started convulsing The Commonwealth is vast and diverse. [pause] together.” sociation (CPA) annually hosts a group over a cucumber sandwich. “Oh, no, no, Today it comprises of 1.7 billion people, of 18-25 year olds to promote the virtues I’m not the one you want to be speak- roughly 25 per cent of the world’s popu- A passionate Commonwealth advocate of the Commonwealth to younger ing to,” he muttered as he scurried off lation. It represents 54 sovereign states, he may have been, but he was perfectly generations and to provide them with a towards the buffet. many which one wouldn’t traditionally on the mark. Last year’s RCS/YouGov memorable day of celebration. expect to find like Namibia, Papua New I turned to Miss Maldives, a friend I poll found that despite the overwhelming Guinea and even little Tuvalu (more apathy found within developed member Obviously ‘memorable’ quickly becomes made earlier who watched stone-facedly commonly known as the ‘.tv’ suffix of countries, awareness and appreciation a gross understatement when, at 22, you on as this rude awakening took place. your favourite television website). was vibrant for the Commonwealth in find yourself standing next to Paul-the- “I study here,” she said pre-emptively, “it some of its least developed states. Young-Monarchist. That is, standing was convenient”. The Commonwealth is no longer a boys Closing the Commonwealth discus- next to Paul-the-Young-Monarchist in a club for those fully-developed former sions was the High Commissioner for royal residence waiting to meet QE2 and I stood there flabbergasted, appalled. British colonies, with their stable parlia- the Commonwealth of Dominica, Her mentary democracies and thriving free Excellency Mrs Agnes Adonis, who market economies. vouched that in her small island nation the Commonwealth was not only valued but enjoyed a thriving public profile. “The role that the Commonwealth is 13

Nicole Buskiewicz travelled to London for tea and scones with HRH. Amid the pleasantries, she examines the relevance of the Commonwealth today and asks: long may we say, God save the Queen?

playing at the moment is not only wel- that such a parliamentary pickle won’t diseases. And that’s just for starters. comed but the assistance it has given to happen again given that no constitution- Dominica has been very much appreci- al amendment has been made since? The question now remains how to recon- ated,” she said. cile the overwhelming indifference with From a social perspective, Jess believes the overwhelming benefits. “Because we are a developing country that republicanism could potentially gen- we are assisted by the Commonwealth in erate a sense of Australian identity that Last year the Royal Commonwealth various areas.” would be independent of colonial ties. Society (RCS) hosted the ‘Common- wealth Conversation’, an open dialogue “And I think as a small island, we have to “We see ourselves as a very multicultural between all Commonwealth peoples Nicole (centre) meets Liz. take it seriously.” country and I think that as a republic we which addressed a number of dilem- would be able to better incorporate that mas similar to those I experienced in It was then not surprising to witness into our identity,” she told me over some London. The recommendations of its the young delegates from countries like microwave popcorn. final report, ‘An Uncommon Associa- Ghana and St Lucia questioning, engag- tion, A Wealth of Potential’, are not ing in debate and scrupulously taking “This becomes increasingly important complex. Quite simply, the Common- notes throughout the day. in light of growing social and cultural wealth needs to modernise. It needs problems like the race riots, which reflect to focus on the strengths that define it, Those from newer, less stable democra- the problems encountered by people the strengths that make it unique from cies are usually those who see first hand struggling to hold onto an Australian other international 21st century asso- not only the importance of parliamen- identity that no longer actually reflects ciations, and then it needs to capitalise tary democracy, but the difficulty with Australia.” on them. which it is often established. It is they The Commonwealth Class Photo who best understand the worth of the Whether or not republicanism is the “Many people have told us that the your local council’s Seniors Week ‘com- Commonwealth because it is they who answer to a misplaced sense of national Commonwealth’s great strength is not munity role model’); always giving back need it most, and who most directly identity and to (what I perceive to be) its intergovernmental bodies, nor even to the community through some good experience its helping hand. the shortcomings of multiculturalism in its associated organisations,” reports the cause, all the while remaining ridicu- general, I’m not entirely convinced. RCS. “Rather it’s the web of informal lously humble. But it could be argued that at the very ties, shared experience, language, busi- least an Australian republic with an Aus- ness links, legal frameworks and par- Resident for President Second, although both might appear to tralian Head of State would present new liamentary systems that bind together be shrinking (one in terms of influence opportunities for political engagement countries with a shared colonial legacy.” On the other (non-so-receiving) hand, and one in height, bless!), you can rest for those whose roots have never lain in just as Kristina Keneally is Australian, assured their presence will continue to be the Motherland. The Commonwealth also needs to adopt do we as a nation care for constitutional felt well into the coming decades. monarchy – hardly. If the 1999 Refer- a far more aggressive tact when it comes What is certain is that in a country to promoting the good it does, and to endum, where one in two of us voted for And third, despite one friend’s allega- where a quarter of the population was regularly inform all its members of its the constitutional chop, is anything to go tions that the Queen supposedly smelt born abroad, the fact that the Crown has progress and achievements. by, republicanism in Australia is thriving. like mackerel, I can safely say that nei- become somewhat out of mode should ther she, nor any other Commonwealth not be so surprising. Above all, the Commonwealth needs to Personally, I like to think of myself as a representative, document or London interact and it must do so through loud, subscriber of the ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t office with which I came in contact actu- clear and concise communication...or, of fix it’ philosophy; my world operates just ally does (told you Niall). fine under the constitutional monarchy ‘An Uncommon Association, course, by deploying Queen Elizabeth II to every other unconvinced generation X brand, even if it plays a more symbolic A Wealth of Potential’ The years to come will be a true test for and Y’er. rather than a tangible role in my life. the Commonwealth. It has recognised its But one recent Friday, to kick-off a Fact: we live in a stable democracy with weaknesses and conceded its precarious Until it acts on this advice, the Com- jam-packed weekend, I rented the 1983 a developed economy, where many of us standing. And now it has to act. monwealth’s goodness will continue television mini-series The Dismissal, and have no immediate link with Britain. And we as members of the Com- to elude those beyond the developing watched it with my dear (republican) Top this with strong republican senti- monwealth (whether we like it or not), Dominicas and Ghanas of this world. friend Jess. ment and all our apathy towards the perhaps ought to remember that just Commonwealth is about as expected as because it can’t always be seen, doesn’t I would be lying if I wasn’t shocked, not pleather at Mardi Gras. mean the Commonwealth isn’t there, by the corny 80s soundtrack, but by the Common conclusions alive and kicking in those places where fact that in 1975 a Governor-General of But our indifference doesn’t really it’s needed most. Australia actually dismissed an Austra- compute with the breadth of the func- As I was shaking the hand of the Com- lian government from power. The idea tions the Commonwealth carries out on monwealth incarnate, I realised that Her In my case, it just happened to be in a that an unelected representative of the a daily basis. It executes programmes Majesty and the association are not all far more literal sense. Queen had the constitutional right to for assistance with election monitoring, that dissimilar. dismiss an elected government of Austra- and trains teachers, medical personnel lia was hard to swallow. And even though and judges. It alleviates environmental For starters both make exemplary senior it’s unlikely, who can really guarantee degradation, implements environmen- citizens (you know, like ‘Humphry’, 72, tally sustainable solutions and combats 14 The Usual Suspects

Jedi Master Sam Elliott holds out A New Hope for an Australian The Bar Fight: Republic. The Empire Strikes Back under the command of grievous visited her vast estate? Not only are General Thomas Marr. Sunday Bridge Club, knitting with Singapore we not the jewel in her crown; we are A more important question is: do we and tasting Canada’s special brownies, or give not even the poorly cut diamond on deprive Catholics of their lecherous up our beloved Mother Queen to become the her second cousin’s finger. The only priests? I very well hope so. The queen 51st state of her ageing, balding, fattening, thing the monarchy ever loved about treats Australia like an altar boy, one moronic son, so that he can share with us his us was the vast, open and desolate which she is free to use in any way massive deficit (attention and financial). space to throw those they didn’t find she pleases, sending the country to amusing into. That’s right, we are a wars that it doesn’t need to fight in, The only thing the British have really I’d like to begin by thanking the traditional penal colony, so committing any sort originally to expand the empire but done lately is get out of giving blood owner of this land, Elizabeth II. Where of uprising should come instinctively now just to stop the walls crumbling by saying they’re all mad cows. Well would we be without her? HMP Bristol. to us. I mean, look what happened in around her. I agree, they most certainly are—and Our nation is to Mother England as a Fiji: ever since they tried to break free the queen is the head heifer. On the college student is to his parents: distant they’ve been having the time of their If we’re going to tally up useless wars, then other hand, our relationship with and wayward, but with a loving mother to lives without a monarch. let’s point at the Pentagon, not the Crown; Uncle Sam need be only that, extended do his laundry after a heavy night at the we’re far safer under the yoke of a woman family: the trigger-happy uncle you Salisbury. The Commonwealth is our college Well, how can we say we live in a multi- who in the pastel hues of a Lakes want to have sitting behind you on the fund; change to a republic and we move to cultural nation when you deprive us District sunset and whose daily exercise porch with an elephant gun when some a cramped flat in Darlington that we have Anglicans of our supreme deity, Elizabeth II? consists of rotating her wrist three and a no-good baddie comes to your house. to share with the Republic of Ireland, the What’s next, depriving us of our most sacred half degrees than under the sheriffship of Someone who has the biggest stick, the United States, and Hong Kong. religious rites, tea and masturbation? Will a president who can’t even make the effort finger on the button, the package that you deprive Catholics of their Pope? Will you to come out and see us... or worse still, that stimulates you, the tempting fruit that All of which were considered more deprive Buddhists of their Buddha? Will you Commie conman Barry Soetoro. And that everyone desires. important colonies than Australia. deprive aspiring election barbies of Giorgia is our choice: stay at home in the Colonial How many times has this owner Rossi? all up in my grill: THE GAUNTLET THE CHALLENGE: TO LIVE OUT THE PLOT TO THE MOVE Procrastination YES MAN, BY SAYING YES...TO EVERYTHING night. “This could be dangerous, and After three months of doing hardly “One word can change everything”. expensive,” I thought. Who knew anything at all, I’ve had a revelation. I’m This is a problem. Nowhere on your This enticing tag line of the movie Yes that after agreeing to bet whenever calling bullshit on procrastination. hierarchy of desires does “looking for Man set the undertone for my Easter someone asked if I was betting would compass” feature; and even when you (very) Long Weekend as I challenged win me 60 big ones? A pretty sweet Before you get all defensive, there’s find it, it won’t help you find Yoshi Valley myself to take on the outlook towards deal, I nothing wrong with feeling a bit lazy. or get you through a maze of Generative life adopted by (the one and only) Jim guess. But procrastination is not being lazy. It’s Grammar. It’s a fucking waste of time. Carey. However, being a poor university a dead loss, and nothing to be proud student, I laid down some ground rules I also had about. Because when you procrastinate, So what? Everyone knows that, right? for myself: while I had to say “yes” to say “yes” you actually don’t want to be doing to every positive request or question, when my any of the fart you faff about with. I The bullshit isn’t simply with advertisements didn’t count, and neither boss asked don’t want to be oscillating obsessively its existence. It might be a real did the requests of my family (to save me to work between my Facebook and email for phenomenon. But so is, like, pedophilia, myself from being exploited), and all Sunday, some phantom message. I don’t need smoking, and genocide. And like such finally, I wouldn’t do anything illegal. by myself. to be spraying WD40 on my barely- phenomena, procrastination is not Obviously I had to keep this experiment The day’s No, thanks. squeaking desk chair. And in all actuality to be tolerated. Especially its bullshit to myself; otherwise my friends would pay soon evaporated I don’t have the time or money to be glorification. also take sweet delight in exploiting my once a mate suggested we head out cooking a degustation afternoon tea for usual reluctance to try new things. after work. AGAIN. one. I want to be pursing higher things: You hear people gloating about how “Are you going out tonight, Ian?” This improving my Kart (64, not Wii, they’re “SUCH a procrastinator, oh my seems to be quite a recurring question on Regrettably, I had also said “yes” to a though Wii isn’t too bad, what it lacks god...!”. You hear friends try and out- a long weekend, only adding to the truth Monday 9am tutoring session. With in gameplay integrity it makes up for in procrastinate themselves. Yes, it is ironic behind ‘Generation Wasted’ (thanks weary eyes I pulled myself out of endless new, shiny variables), drinking that to avoid something you “don’t” Tracy Grimshaw). In going out and bed on Monday morning and earned beer, or sleeping. want to do (but honestly do) you do constantly saying “yes”, you find yourself myself a few more pesos. It’s safe to something you think you want to do (but going back-and-forth from the bar a say I was not worth the money that I also want to do other, more (or honestly don’t). But it’s not funny-ironic, whole lot more than usual, and your session (sorry, Cassidy!). less) legitimate things, though this is it’s self-indulgent wank, and I hear it night really gets away from you. Sitting a different sense of ‘want’. I want, gives you hairy palms. Whether you’re All things considered, nothing really in the slums of the Mega Hole at 4:30am maybe not tomorrow, but eventually, watching Dawson’s Creek, colour-coding amazing happened. Nothing life- on Friday morning, my friend finally to graduate. I chose my degree, and I crap or polishing your old school shoes, changing. Nothing so out of the suggested that we should call it a night. chose my subjects. So chances are, I’m procrastination is not something to be ordinary. Nothing hilarious. Apart “Yes” slowly dribbled out of my mouth. interested in them, and interested in venerated. You’re a waste of my space/ from requesting more songs on the doing okay. Maybe this only holds for time continuum. That includes all those After playing rugby hungover and being radio than ever before, all I really did Arts students, because I couldn’t say the people who joined the “Procrasinators forced into another night out, we were was drink a whole lot more than usual same for Statistics II. But each to their Unite...Tomorrow” Facebook group. (thankfully) kicked out of the bar at 9pm and do a couple of favours for people. own, and each to his own reasons. due to it being Good Friday. When a I spent money. I earned money. I I’m not saying we should all work friend offered me a ride home (and the broke even. Let’s call these first and second ourselves smelly like the good ole car’s driver thought differently), I found order desires. I’m suggesting that Depression days. Quite the opposite. I don’t know if this says more about myself hopping in and out of the car procrastination is the valley of the ashes We should be either enjoying ourselves, my life than the actual approach to life until it was settled that I was finding my – the wasteland – if you will, between the or getting stuff done so that we can that a Yes Man chooses. own way home. Rats. two. So if my first order desire is to neck enjoy ourselves ASAP. Let’s just skip the bullshit in the middle. And if you can’t, And how do I end this article with a tinny (or smash a schooey, depending Jim Carey must have been quite cashed- keep it to yourself. a motivating message to get you to on your vernacular), my second order up as this approach to life isn’t cheap. say ‘yes’ to life and then finish with a desire is to do well at Varieties of English Even though most of my money went And no, I’m going to resist all temptation question that will get you doing things Grammar. So you get pulled both ways: to alcohol and cab rides (what a life to end this with an ironic reference to you’ve never done before? I don’t between the immediate allure of Koopa changing experience…), I did manage to myself procrastinating. I’ve quit. know. Get stuffed. Troopa Beach and Noam Chomsky. The earn some money on the long weekend. result is you stomping desperately about I agreed to a poker game on Saturday Ian Mack the house for a compass or something. Lars Oscar Hendstrom SRC President's Report 15 President's Report Report of the SRC President, Elly Howse // [email protected]

Welcome back from the Easter break! independence when Voluntary Student FINANCES Hope you all had a relaxing holiday Unionism (VSU) was introduced by and apologies to those who had lots of the Federal Government. It became Post-VSU, our finances are mainly assignments / essays / exams to study voluntary, not compulsory, for student dictated by the University rather than for. This is the beginning of what I organisations to charge a fee to the by the student body. It does mean that usually call ‘crunch time’ in the semester. student body to pay for the services that we are heavily dependent on the income Suddenly you have ten million things support students. we receive each year, and dependent on to do, you’re still trying to catch up on the general goodwill of the University. readings or revise work from the first five Realistically, what has that meant for So whilst we still have freedom and is why the SRC is involved in your peak weeks of semester, you have to prepare Sydney Uni? (I’ll do the President’s Star independence from the University, our national body, the National Union of for a mid-term exam, and that week-long Ratings here seeing as everyone seemed financial independence is tied hugely to Students, and runs campaigns for a fairer break didn’t seem so long after all. to like them last Honi issue). whether or not the University believes education system, environmental and it is viable to continue funding student climate change action, student rights, Sometimes it can all seem to get a bit organisations, and usually it’s just a small INDEPENDENCE and many more that I can’t possibly fit much at this point in the semester, which group of upper-level management that in here. The third area is supporting is why it’s important to keep it all in The University now contributes money makes these decisions. and helping you independently from the perspective. If you are struggling a bit, every year to student organisations such university. there’s nothing wrong with saying so to as the SRC, SUPRA and USU. The Star rating: * your tutor, lecturer, friends or family. USU can cover the costs of running their Star rating: ***** (because we’re One of the reasons support services organisation through food, commercial SERVICES still out there representing you in such as the SRC and SUPRA exist and venue services, but is still a not-for- every way; VSU has just made it at this University is to provide a safe, profit organisation ie. All the money The SRC offers services such as harder!) confidential space in which you can that goes in goes back out to make the academic advice, accommodation raise issues you’re having without feeling student experience better. Because the help and tenancy advice, Centrelink So if you want to have a say in how stigmatized or fearing that it’s going to SRC and SUPRA have services which assistance, plus legal advice and aid. This your University runs, you need to get appear on your student records. This are free (ie. Students don’t have to pay is all free of charge to undergraduate involved. Get your voice heard! is why student organisations need to be to access the services), plus the SRC students (SUPRA does a similar thing able to provide independent advice and has a second-hand bookshop which is with all postgraduate students). These On Wednesday 14th April from 1-2pm help to students who are in a bit of a not profit-driven, the SRC and SUPRA services have had to be reduced since in Manning Bar, the SRC, USU and pickle and would prefer the whole world receive most of their annual income VSU, and with the reduction in funding SUPRA are hosting a forum for students not knowing about it. from the University. in 2010, there is real uncertainty about on the Green Paper. We’ve invited the what the SRC will be able to help Vice-Chancellor along who will be As much as we would like to not believe But largely it means the University students with in the future. ‘taking questions from the floor’. Come it, unfortunately there are people could decide to drastically reduce our along with the questions you’ve got within faculties and departments in the funding and has utter control over our Star rating: ***** (because we do a about where the University will be going University who aren’t always professional finances. In 2010, that has occurred. great job on very little money!) in the next 5 years: in their approach to dealing with The University’s response to our cut in students’ problems. Speaking about funding was ‘because it was happening • Feel free to be angry about proposals students to other academics, naming to every other faculty and department STUDENT EXPERIENCE to take commercial services off the and shaming students in meetings etc in the university.’ But the SRC is not USU can occur from time to time. It’s not another department of the University. The SRC has three main areas in • Feel free to ask the Vice-Chancellor appropriate behaviour; this is one of the This University has prided itself on which we’re active. The first one is why student organisations were reasons why the SRC is here. Anything the fact that it gives money so an academic representation, which took hardly discussed in the Green Paper you say to us remains strictly in the SRC independent organisation can continue a heavy hit after VSU. The SRC used (except for implying, ‘We’ll decide unless you want us to speak to someone being run by students, for students. to be able to contribute to Faculty where the money goes and what you on your behalf. We don’t have access to Once the University starts trying to societies and have across-the-board do with it’) your student records, your transcript and micro-manage financially what student representation of students in every • Feel free to attack the Vice- so on for a reason – we’re independent organisations can and can’t do, it puts a Faculty. That has become increasingly Chancellor and his management from the University! real strain on our independence. difficult. The second area is being the centre of student activism and at the over why they want to destroy the best student-run, student-driven Unfortunately a few years ago student Star rating: ** forefront of social justice issues for campus life in the country! organisations lost some of that the student community in Sydney and more generally around Australia. This

Get involved.... What's on... Education Action Group: 1pm Tuesdays (Chancellor's Lawns -next to Fisher Library) Women's Collective: Thursdays 1pm, Holme Women's Room. University Green Paper Forum Environment Collectives: with the Vice Chancellor Student Enviro Action Collective (SEAC): 1pm Mondays, Botany Lawns What is the future of Sydney University: Climate Action Collective: 1pm Mondays, Chancellors Lawns Your Education, Your Services, Your University! Queer Collective: 2pm Mondays, Queer Space Holme Building BE THERE! Wednesday 14th of April, 1-2pm Manning Bar International Students: Check your email for updates 16 The SRC Reports General Secretary's Education Report Report of the General Secretary, Report of the Education Officer, Report Donherra Walmsley // [email protected] Gabriel Dain // [email protected]

Welcome back to uni for the second half Green Paper Quality of Teaching and of semester, hopefully you all had a great The University Green Paper is a Learning Campaign mid-semester break! This week sees the discussion paper by the Vice-Chancellor’s Next week we will be starting the NUS launch of the SRC’s e-newsletter for all office, which will give shape to the Quality campaign. This involves the our members. If you want to stay up to University Strategic Plan 2011-2015. collection of surveys on your experience date on what the SRC is doing, come The Green Paper proposes substantial of Teaching & Learning at USyd. down to the SRC offices in the basement changes to the academic organisation Responses to the survey will be used to of the Wentworth building and become of the University, such as the creation lobby the government and universities a member today. of a College of Arts & Sciences and about improving such things as class size, five Professional Schools to replace our learning resources, accessibility to course Week 6 is when assessment season really current faculty organisation. It also material, and quality of education. kicks into gear, making it a stressful time proposes the creation of new equity for a lot of students – it’s particularly programs and the expansion of existing You will see me and other student difficult to balance work and study ones. representatives at a stall on Eastern commitments at this time of year, but Avenue with copies of the survey. It is there are a few other ways in which We are now in the discussion phase of very important that we get at least a assessment season is more problematic strategic planning. All staff and students few hundred responses, so if you have 5 than it should be, for example, are your need to have more consultation hours, are encouraged to submit responses to minutes to spare, please drop by. We will lecturers and tutors sufficiently available or if you’re frustrated that there aren’t the Green Paper. These responses will also have Enrol to Vote forms. There’s a to give you any assistance you might enough copies of your essential course be considered by the Vice-Chancellor’s federal election coming up in semester require with understanding course texts and readers in the library – tell office in the creation of a White Paper two, so if you are not enrolled to vote, content and completing assessments? us! The survey can be found online at (i.e. policy proposals) for our Strategic have recently moved or are not sure if Do you feel that your ability to learn in http://www.bit.ly/nusquality, it will Plan. you are properly enrolled, definitely drop your course has been compromised by only take about 5 minutes to complete, by! the number of students in your classes? and it will provide the National Union The SRC will be submitting a response, Were you able to afford the necessary with concrete data which can be used and many of our office bearers will be Events materials for your classes, and if not, to campaign for a better quality of submitting individual responses. I am Education Action Group – Tuesday were there sufficient copies of textbooks education. currently co-ordinating submissions from 13th of April, 1pm (Chancellor’s Garden) and readers in the library to enable you student representatives on Faculty Boards to successfully complete the course? Remember that if you’re struggling and Academic Board. Green Paper Forum with the Vice- with an assessment and you need Chancellor – Wednesday 14th of April, The answer of many students to these to apply for special consideration I strongly encourage you to submit your 1pm (Manning Bar) questions indicate that they are not or special arrangements, or you feel own response to the Green Paper, and to satisfied with the quality of education that you’ve been marked unfairly, the get in contact with me if you have any Green Paper Submissions Deadline and support they receive, so the SRC has case-workers available to questions or suggestions for the SRC Monday 19th of April National Union of Students, the peak assist you. Call 9660 5222 to make an submission. Submissions are due before representative body for tertiary students appointment, or just drop by our office Monday the 19th of this month, and you Quality of Teaching & Learning in Australia, has launched the quality in the basement of the Wentworth can find the green paper at sydney.edu. Stall from Tuesday 20th of April survey. If you’re pissed off about class building (entry via City Road). au/green_paper (Eastern Avenue) sizes, or if you think lecturers and tutors Women's Report Report of the Women’s Officer, Rosie Ryan //[email protected]

Over the weekend I was able to attend F: and that engaging everyone within the is relevant. Then Catherine Lumby, A conference. A . A future along movement is essential for change. Elizabeth Broderick, Eva Cox, Elena with 400 activists, writers, filmmakers, Jeffreys, Littiane Lukoki and Sally musicians, bloggers, politicians, The two days were packed with panels and McManus on why we aren’t there yet. community workers, migrants, academics workshops and was opened with a panel And finally we looked at the future of from a diversity of genders, sexualities, on Indigenous Women’s Knowledge. On feminism with Candy Bowers, Larissa cultural backgrounds and life experiences. the panel was Dixie Link-Gordon, who Behrendt, Cate Faehrmann and Chally has worked on the Blackout Violence Kacelnik. The conference was organised by an campaign and currently runs Mudgin-Gal, amazing group of women identifying and a service run by Aboriginal women, for F: A conference was the first feminist sex and gender diverse people, and was Aboriginal women in the inner-city. Janet conference to hit Sydney in the last over a year in the making. The conference Moodey and Darlene Johnson. 10 years and was truly a melting pot attended prioritise different campaigns was non-autonomous – meaning male- of the feminist community. It was not and different issues and will be returning identifying people could attend, and they We also heard from Anne Summers, without tension, confronting discussions to those with a greater awareness of and did. This decision was made on the basis Siri May, Mehal Krayem, Zora Simic and fundamental ideas shaking but that dialogue with other areas of feminism. that sexism is a community wide issue and Eman Sharobeem on why feminism is absolutely a good sign. Those that SRC Help 17 Your Assessment Ask Abe Q & A with students who need help and a dog who has all the answers. . .

Send your letters to: and Appeal Rights [email protected] Hi Abe, As a University of Sydney student you have a bunch of assessment rights. University policies I am from interstate and started uni entitle all students to full information about course this semester. I have been staying with goals and requirements and this information must my uncle but am now looking for a be given to you before the end of the first week of place to move out. At the weekend I FAIL read about the rent scams going on, a course. Information you are entitled to includes: where students have answered internet adds and then transferred money to • assessment criteria bogus landlords who don’t own the • attendance and class requirements property advertised. After this I went to • weighting – breakdown and calculation of assessment marks the SRC website and read more about • explanation of policies regarding ‘legitimate co•operation, looking for accommodation. This was plagiarism and cheating’, special consideration and useful, the only problem I have is that academic appeals procedures I don’t have the money for a bond – I • early and clear statement of sanctions and penalties that understand this is normally 4 weeks may bring your mark down, and fair application of these rent? Can I pay less than this, or pay in penalties instalments? • balanced and relevant assessment tasks • fair and consistent assessment with appropriate workloads House Hunter and deadlines • written consultation before the halfway point of the unit if assessment requirements need to change • changes must not disadvantage students Dear House Hunter, • adequate arrangements to cater for disabilities and other letter. requirements 3. Base an appeal on a process matter rather than an • access to staff out of class time at reasonable hours academic judgement. It is pretty standard for the bond to be • fair and relevant marking procedures 4. Know your desired outcome 4 weeks in advance upfront payment, • anonymous posting of results 5. Familiarise yourself with the relevant policies so I think you will have to pay all in • timely return of assessments 6. Know who you are appealing to one go. However, when moving into a • helpful feedback Lecturer/Unit of study Coordinator; someone higher new place you can apply to the NSW • access to exams up to four months after the result in the appeal chain within the Faculty; and then the Department of Housing for your bond • the right to appeal up to three months after an academic University Student Appeals Body (Academic decisions to be paid by them, under a scheme decision only, and only where there has been a breach of called RENTSTART. This is where low • enough time for remedial learning when there is process); You must be given reasons for each person’s income earners (under about $450 per reassessment decision. week) can have part or all of their bond 7. If you cannot resolve appeals internally, you may paid for them. This is not a loan – you Appeals - University Procedures be able to approach external bodies eg. NSW Ombudsman, the Anti-Discrimination Board etc. don’t have to pay it back. For more Administrative decisions made outside of the Faculty information go to www.housing.nsw.gov. If you believe a mark or University decision is wrong and you want have appeals to different people. Speak to the SRC for au and search for “Rentstart”. to appeal you must lodge an appeal within 15 working days. advice. If you are still looking for a loan, the The first step is to talk to the person who made the decision – often your lecturer. See if you can go through the assessment and discuss Your Appeal Rights Financial Assistance Office offers your performance with them. Your examination scripts will be interest free loans to students, as well as kept for 4 months after a mark was given. But be aware, appeals According to University policy, appeals should be dealt with: bursaries. There is a bursary of $2,000 should normally be started within 15 working days of an academic for first year students, as well as other decision. Make sure you know how the mark was worked out – • in a timely manner advertised bursaries. The application including any scaling or marks deducted or changed for reasons • with confidence deadline for advertised bursaries is not directly related to that particular assessment. Your questions • impartially and not disadvantage you in the future 5pm 30 April. Go to www.usyd.edu. and concerns may be resolved at this stage, helping you understand • procedural fairness au/stuserv/financial_assistance_office/ how you can improve in the future. Alternatively, you may feel the • free access to all documents concerning your appeal about.shtml. matter is still unresolved and wish to continue with your appeal. Undergraduates can get advice, information and advocacy from On the SRC website (www.src.usyd. 1. Make your appeal in writing and make sure it is easy for the Student Representative Council (SRC). Postgraduates may edu.au) you will have found the other people to understand approach the Sydney University Postgraduate Representative 2. Listen to or read staff comments and reasons for a decision Association (SUPRA). Accommodation Checklist which closely. Keep these in mind when you write your appeal can help give you tips when looking for accommodation. The University Accommodation Service (www.usyd.edu. au/stuserv/accommodation/what.shtml) International Student Accommodation Survey may be able to help you find housing. If community living is your scene then WIN A Day Trip Out of Sydney! STUCCO might appeal to you. It is a housing co-operative that has very low The International Student Support Unit wants to know about international cost housing (www.stucco.soc.usyd.edu. students’ experiences with accommodation in Sydney. au) The survey will take about 10 minutes to complete and is on line until 21 April. Abe www.zoomerang.com/Survey/WEB229MSJBKKQX 18 THE SUPRA POSTGRAD PAGES

SAAO SAYS... If you want to see change, get active!

the members of the SRC, and the those living in states where their relationships are not recognised Dear SAAOs, here’s not a lot that gets me entire university population to take (http://www.starobserver.com. more angry than homophobia. a stand with us. T au/news/2010/04/07/ban-on- I failed a subject last semester. Well there’s sexism too. And the gay-marriage-driving-you- I don’t think it was really Northern Territory Intervention. Over the next few weeks leading mental/23607), and because it’s just The wars in Afghanistan and Iraq up to the May 15 rally, there because I didn’t understand straight-up homophobic to class as well. Did I mention all the racist will be some on-campus events the subject material, but LGBTI relationships as different to beat up on refugees? to publicise the rally and the because I had a lot of things campaign generally. If you would straight relationships. happen in my life outside of Ok, there’s a lot that gets me riled like to help with these, I urge you But most importantly, history shows uni which I didn’t plan for up, and let’s face it, there’s a lot of to contact me at SUPRA (policy@ us that progress on social issues and which I think meant that horrible stuff going on, and most of supra.usyd.edu.au). There is a lot like LGBTI rights does not just it is being pushed by the people at you can do. I failed the subject. Is there happen without a struggle. Ever. the top of society - the government, anything I can do about this the media, the legal system. Even You can take petitions to get signed fail grade? at Sydney Uni they are trying to by other students, friends and Just over 40 years ago when the make major restructuring changes, family; and have leaflets for the Black civil rights movement in the Thanks, with minimal consultation, that are rally with you to give people. You US won the legal right to interracial marriage (yes, it was illegal for Worried Postgrad. guaranteed to mean massive job may be good at using Facebook cuts and probably course cuts, and and other social networking sites - black and white people to marry!), will make doing the degree we these are a great way to advertise the majority of the population were want even harder. these events. You may like to help against the idea. Today, nobody Dear Worried Postgrad, putting up posters in your local would dream of opposing this, and that is because of the movement But I’m not one for getting angry area to let other people know about that demanded an end to racist In some circumstances, the and leaving it at that. I want to get the rally (you can pick these up discrimination by the state that University can change a ‘Fail’ organised to take stand against from the SUPRA offices or the SRC involved hundreds of thousands these things, not to just let them activist space). grade to what’s known as a of people, black and white, who happen without making a fuss; `DNF’ (Discontinued - Not to protested the racial discrimination. because if we don’t make a fuss Most importantly, you, yes you need Count as Failure). You would and stand up to the institutions that to come to the rally on Saturday The situation is different here have to show that you had make our lives tough, how do we May 15, 1pm Sydney Town Hall. a special case of illness or expect things to change for the regarding same sex marriage. We already have 60% support misadventure. Usually, the better? for marriage equality, and yet the circumstances in your life government won’t grant us same- Take, for example, the ban on which you think led to your sex marriage. It is clear that popular same sex marriage. Since its support alone is not enough to force Fail grade would have to be introduction in 2004, people Labor to stand up to the bigots considered severe and not able have been organising against it. inside and outside of their party. We to be reasonably foreseen. There have been demonstrations need a mass movement, with loud every year. Last year there were 2 and vibrant demonstrations to win demonstrations, and we’re about to If the subject you failed is this demand. We need everyone have our second rally for this year compulsory, a DNF would who gives a damn about this issue on 15th May and we’re not even half to make it be known that we will not mean that you would have way through the year yet! to do the subject again, but stand for homophobia, especially not from the government and not in that your Fail last semester We’ve seen the Labor government the law! would be removed from your grant a whole raft of law changes to remove much of the legal academic transcript. A DNF We can’t wait for politicians. We discrimination against same sex would indicate to someone need to act, and act now. Please join couples (a great win for us!), but the Campus Equal Love collective looking at the transcript that they still haven’t changed the law (send an email to equal_love_syd- you didn’t pass because of to allow lesbians, gays, bisexuals, [email protected] ) or extenuating circumstances, transgendered and intersex (LGBTI) contact me for more information rather than because of poor people to marry whomever they Why should you about how you can get involved. We wish. performance. come? won’t change anything if we don’t try. SUPRA has been a major supporter You can make an appointment of this campaign for a number of Because young LGBTI people are 5 The next rally for Same Sex with one of our team and talk years now, and we’re not satisfied times more likely to commit suicide Marriage is Saturday May 15, to us in confidence about your with the half measures the or self harm than young people Sydney Town Hall from 1pm. circumstances. We can give government has recently granted who are straight. Because studies - we demand full equality. But the in the US have shown that LGBTI you advice about whether your Heidi Claus SUPRA council writing letters and people living in states where same circumstances may warrant a Campaigns and Policy Officer press releases is not enough. We sex marriage is legal are mentally [email protected] DNF and if so, we can help you need you, the members of SUPRA, and physically healthier than prepare an application.

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Your Student Visa: Getting Feedback YOUR Postgraduate Representative and Making Progress Association For most coursework students, you How does this relate to my Of course, you can challenge Becoming a member of your will have returned this week from student visa? a decision to exclude you by postgraduate representative the mid-semester break. You may appealing to the University association gives you the following well have spent most of that week For the majority of international and the NSW Ombudsman (an benefits: preparing for tests or working on students, one of your visa conditions external body). However, if assignments which are due over the requires you to satisfy academic you have exhausted all of your • Access to our confidential next few weeks. progression requirements. There avenues of appeal and are still student advice and advocacy are a number of ways that the excluded, the University can notify service and legal service One of the reasons for these University judges what ‘academic the Department of Immigration • Participate in SUPRA events and mid-semester assessments is to progress’ is, but a strong indicator and Citizenship (DIAC) that you activities help you to identify any areas for that you are not ‘making progress’ have breached one of your visa • Receive regular email updates improvement before the final exam is if you fail a subject (or more than conditions. DIAC may then take and electronic publications or assessment. In order for this to one subject). This is why it is so steps to cancel your visa. (eGrad) happen, firstly, your lecturer needs important to get feedback early • Use the SUPRA Resource and to provide meaningful feedback to on in the semester if you are not Meeting Rooms you on your work. happy with one of your marks or if SUPRA is holding a seminar • Vote or run in the SUPRA Council you don’t understand the feedback next month about the elections Secondly, you need to follow up your lecturer gave to you. If you can importance of ‘Making • Actively participate in your the lecturer if you don’t understand address any problems early, you Progress’ (and your visa representative student the feedback or you feel like you will have a much better chance to condition 8202 more association. need more feedback. So if you improve your performance in future generally) and about what receive a mark for an assessment assessments. So you will have a you can do if the University Complete your subscription online at (whether it is a mid-semester exam, much better chance of passing the ever notifies DIAC that you an essay or online quiz) and you subject. www.supra.usyd.edu.au/subscribe have breached one of your then follow the links if you would don’t understand why you didn’t visa conditions. get a higher mark, you could try to If you do fail the subject (or more like to become a SUPRA Supporter. speak to the lecturer briefly after than one subject), the University A migration lawyer and Alternatively you can complete a form a class. You could send them an may consider that you are not registered migration agent, at our stalls or drop into the SUPRA email to ask whether they can make making `academic progress’. Aristotle Paipetis (Visa office. a time with you to go through your There is a policy called ‘Student Lawyers Australia), will be assessment and explain where you Academic Progression Policy’ (this speaking about these issues could improve. Some lecturers have policy used to be called Identifying on Friday 7th May at 1pm. set consultation hours each week and Supporting Students at Risk). SUPRA will have further WHERE IS SUPRA? details about this seminar when they are able to see students. This policy is explained in detail Address: Raglan St Building G10 on our website soon (www. You should find out whether your in SUPRA’s Postgraduate Survival Darlington Campus supra.usyd.edu.au). If you are lecturer has a consultation hour and Guide (www.supra.usyd.edu.au), The University of Sydney NSW 2006 when it is, and use that opportunity which we strongly recommend that an international student, we to speak to your lecturer. you read. strongly recommend that you Phone: (02) 9351 3715 come along and tell other Toll-free: 1800 249 950 Of course, after all of this, perhaps There are several stages in the international students to Fax: (02) 9351 6400 the most important step is that policy, as the University has to do come as well. E: [email protected] you will need to incorporate the certain things to help you improve Web: www.supra.usyd.edu.au feedback from your lecturer into once it identifies that you are SUPRA recommends that if you are your preparation for future exams struggling with your study. But if having trouble with your study, or assessments. you continue failing subjects for you make an appointment to see a couple of semesters in a row, a Student Advice and Advocacy your ongoing enrolment and your Officer (SAAO) as soon as possible. student visa may be at risk. You A SAAO can give you advice about To Main Quad Footbridge may be asked to explain to your where you can get help in your City Road

faculty why you should be allowed faculty and in the University. Jane Foss Cr Maze Russell to continue studying. If your faculty Wentworth Maze Cr Building does not accept your explanation, Caroline Vu

you may be excluded from your Student Advice and Advocacy Cadigal Green course. This means that you would Officer Butlin Ave not be allowed to study in your City Road course for 2 years. Merewether Church Lane Maze Cr

Tennis Codrington St Sports & Aquatic Courts Trivia! Centre Immigration Forum Postgrad Sports Lander St Darlington Rd Services Building Do you like Trivia? Are you the sort Are you looking to keep fit, have a Raglan St of person who knows their pavlova Aristotle Paipetis (Visa Lawyers social afternoon, and get involved Economics and Business Building Australia) will be speaking about from a Pavlovian response? Can with the activities that keep your ‘Making Progress’; Visa Condition you name all 5 European Capitals heart racing? SUPRA Sport is back Rose St To Redfern Station 8202; and what you can do if the with only 4 letters? Then Trivia is for 2010 and we want you to join us. Abercrombie St University ever notifies DIAC that for you! you have breached one of your visa No matter what your level of fitness conditions. SUPRA is putting on a gala trivia come along! If you would like to night on 28th APRIL. Mark the play soccer, basketball, or there is Friday 7th May, 1pm. More date in your calendar, more details another sport you think would prove details to come on SUPRA website: next week! Contact Sid for more popular, contact us by email at www.supra.usyd.edu.au information activities@supra. [email protected] usyd.edu.au 20 Bletchley Park

THE 16. Terrify famous Loch, around a century of paucity (10) HONI SOIT 19. Consume bad tea (3) 20. Taciturn ending for the ashes holder (3) 21. The police go up as Wales begins. (3) CROSSWORD 23. Luminescence around the evil vapour in this Across Scottish town (7) 24. Sick fromThe Battle of Bunker Hill’s conclusion (3) 1. Capital serious injury caused by a hot stove? (5,6,4) 26. Ten commandments holder sounds like a portion 9. Attracted to both genders, the male offspring is an of a circle (3) American buffalo. (5) 27. Sofa 101: Disaster. Disaster! (6) 10. Capital Christmas sweet treat? (5,4) 30. Hi Sir! Drunk? Add a little whiskey! (5) 11. Previous sphere? Information technology insect 31. Mean bastard. So be it. (4) exceeded the limits (10) 32. Destiny? Sounds like a party! (4) 14. Hide super-simplified fallen fairy (3) 34. Raincoat almost fits computer (3) 17. Till the beginning of the University’s new theatre 36. Too many cooks hide the five boroughs (1.1.1) opening (4) 18. Capital James Brown genre? (5,5) 22. Joining together plants, if granting confusion (10) 25. A hiding place? LIAR! BULLSHIT! (4) 28. Vietnam ends up going back to provide workers (3) 29. Capital vegetable preserved in brine? (4,6)

33. The lure of diabolical megamints (9)

35. From the time of an act against God to the last two (1.1.1) (abbrev.) Apple Big The 36.

millennia (5) (3) short) (for competitor IBM 34.

37. Capital recent McDonalds sandwich selections? (4) church) or school a at (often Party 32.

(3,5,7) (4) ending Prayer 31.

30. From the Emerald Isle (5) Isle Emerald the From 30.

Down (6) failure Total 27.

(3) transportation Noah’s 26.

1. Capital sport played with paddles? (5,5) (3) Unwell 24.

2. Strange, ‘tis a possessive adjective (3) (7) Scotland in city largest second The 23.

21. The study of torts etc. (3) etc. torts of study The 21.

3. River that flows through Germany, Austria, Slovakia, Slovakia, Austria, Germany, through flows that River 3. MARK “MY WORDS” SUTTON

3. Uncomfortable bed surrounds a University in

20. Large vase (3) vase Large 20. 2. Possessive adjective (contraction) (2’1) (contraction) adjective Possessive 2.

Canberra, like Strauss’s river (6) (5,5) (punnily)

19. Devour (3) Devour 19. 1. African Capital City, or ping-pong (punnily) (5,5) (punnily) ping-pong or City, Capital African 1.

4. Helmut covers deciduous tree (3) genre musical Brown’s James and City, Capital Asian 18.

16. Rarity (10) Rarity 16.

5. Is powered by continue uninterrupted like this (4) beginning the Until 17.

15. Large flightless bird (3) bird flightless Large 15. Down

sentence (3,2) (3) mythology of creature Mischievous 14.

13. What there was much of in a Shakespeare comedy (3) comedy Shakespeare a in of much was there What 13.

6. Every third over blankets large deer (4) (10) Overpriced 11.

12. Not at home (3) home at Not 12.

sandwich selections (punnily) (3,5,7) (punnily) selections sandwich

7. Mysteries of botched seaming (7) (5,4) (punnily)? Christmas

8. US space exploration organisation (4.4.4.4) organisation exploration space US 8.

37. Asian Capital City, or a recent MacDonald’s menu of of menu MacDonald’s recent a or City, Capital Asian 37.

8. Space exploration group needs another seven at only have you pies and City, Capital European 10.

7. WW2 German coding devices (7) devices coding German WW2 7.

35. From a particular time (5) time particular a From 35.

astronauts, at first (1.1.1.1) (5) creature 6. A large species of deer (3) deer of species large A 6.

33. Power of attraction (9) attraction of Power 33. 9. Shaggy maned, short-horned American buffalo-like buffalo-like American short-horned maned, Shaggy 9.

12. Unfashionable but no-longer keeping his (3,2) uninterrupted Continue 5.

29. Asian Capital City, and a seasoned gherkin (punnily) (4,6) (punnily) gherkin seasoned a and City, Capital Asian 29. a hot stove (punnily) (5,6,4) (punnily) stove hot a

homosexuality a secret (3) (3) tree deciduous Hard-wooded 4. 28. Tend (as a bar) (3) bar) a (as Tend 28. 1. European Capital City, and a high level of injury caused by by caused injury of level high a and City, Capital European 1.

Ukraine. (6) Ukraine. 13. Fuss, and not oddly (3) (4) Den 25.

Hungary, Croatia, Serbia, Romania, Bulgaria, Moldova and and Moldova Bulgaria, Romania, Serbia, Croatia, Hungary, 15. Blue murder imprisons outback runner (3) (10) plants different two of together joining The 22. Across

*Questions are themed THE TAKE HOME around this week's paper! SUDOKU 1. How many gold medals did Australia win find the city Dubrovnik? at the last Commonwealth games? 11. Which position did Edward Sharpe & the 2. Who is the current Secretary-General of Magnetic Zeros single “Home” come on the Commonwealth? the 2009 countdown: 3. What is the lowest number one can 5, 15, or 25? achieve with a single dart in a standard 12. Which company created the comic Kick- game of darts? Ass? 4. Name the original “Oarsome Foursome”. 13. Who wrote the 2003 hit single, “Danger! 5. What is the highest achievable score on High Voltage!”? Microsoft’s solitaire? 14. What is the most expensive showbag at 6. What is a Vuvuzela? A: a small Pacific the Easter Show? Island nation. B: plastic horn used by 15. Which portfolio did Malcolm Turnbull soccer fans. C: A tropical fruit. have under the Howard government? 7. How many countries are there in the UN 16. What is Bear Grylls’ real name? General Assembly? 182, 192 or 202? 17. What position did Lewis Hamilton come 8. Which game, based on a 1982 film of the in the Grand Prix? same name, is considered responsible 18. What is Tiger Woods’ mother’s name? for bringing down company 19. What nationality was the painter Wassily Atari? Kandinsky? 9. Which New Zealand comedian starred 20. Who played Sid Vicious in the filmSid opposite Jim Carey in the film Yes Man? and Nancy? 10. In which European country would you

RATED: NOT EASY KEN KEN WORDSWORDSWORDS KEN KEN With Benny Davis Three words of six letters each. The first letter of each are different, the remaining five are the same. However, all these words don’t rhyme. For example: Bather, Father, Gather - but it’s KEN KEN not those. Initials B M W.

______

14. The Disney Princess 4-Piece Luggage Set 15. Environment and Water Resources 16. Edward Michael Grylls 17. 6th 18. Kultida 19. Russian 20. Gary Oldman Gary 20. Russian 19. Kultida 18. 6th 17. Grylls Michael Edward 16. Resources Water and Environment 15. Set Luggage 4-Piece Princess Disney The 14. 1. 84 2. Kamalesh Sharma 3. 22 4. Nick Green, James Tomkins, Mike McKay, and Sam Patten. 5. 24113 6. B 7. 192 8. E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial 9. Rhys Darby 10. Croatia 11. 15 12. Marvel 13. Electric Six Six Electric 13. Marvel 12. 15 11. Croatia 10. Darby Rhys 9. Extra-Terrestrial The E.T.: 8. 192 7. B 6. 24113 5. Patten. Sam and McKay, Mike Tomkins, James Green, Nick 4. 22 3. Sharma Kamalesh 2. 84 1. The Garter Press DOLORES, SLOGAN GOES HERE

EDITION: 230 VOLUME: XXVIII EST 2010 BC What’ya got? WHAT DO YOUR iPAD CURTAIN RODS TURNBULL QUITS “All I have left is my hundreds of millions People lose Say about you? of dollars.” their shit. Garter Press named Number 1 newspaper for proof-of-life photos

Alan Smithee Meta Reporter and pseudonym

A new study has revealed that The Garter Press is the most widely used newspaper for proof-of-life kidnapping photos.

Analysts at Interpol, the International Crime Police Organisation, have announced that 28 per cent of kidnappers prefer The Garter to any other newspaper. The New York Times was the next most popular at 11 per cent.

Dr Michael Hansard with Interpol’s statistics division says The Garter’s rise to the top is due to a number of factors.

“For one, the date is clear and legible, even when the photographs are taken with a poor quality camera in a badly lit room or cave. Hansard continued, to such international prominence,” Dr “I’m sure MY FAMILY would agree The Garter’s editor, through a statement “Also, the fact that the front page of The Hansard said intermittently and without with me, and everyone else SHOULD prepared by his assistant Dolores, says Garter is printed on grease-proof paper being edited in any way. KNOW, that I’M BEING very truthful the accomplishment is not surprising means that the print wont run from the when I say that The Garter has BEATEN and that this is conclusive evidence that inevitable sweat or blood. Jeremy Menendez, currently being all other papers. If I were a journalist people should be able to bring their cats held captive by a group of Colombian not with The Garter, I would be to work if they put them in a basket and “It’s actually quite remarkable that this.... warlords, said his kidnappers chose FEARING FOR MY LIFE.” if the cat is really friendly with people. paper, which quite frankly is pretty...., The Garter because of its journalistic and runs some very....stories, would rise standing. “HELP,” Menendez added. Scientists tip 2010 to be ‘hottest year yet’ INSIDE

EXCLUSIVE Janet Wagamama PROMINENT GOLFER Environment and Japanese Noodle Reporter RETURNS TO PLAYING GOLF Based on an World’s media goes insane According to scientists, this year will application of pg 4 officially be the “hottest” year on record rapper Nelly’s as rising global temperatures force smash hit “Hot in hot women and men to wear even less herre (sic.)”, the RUDD ANNOUNCES NEW clothing. young scientists IMMIGRATION POLICY have projected Robin Williams and Alabamans A group of young male science students that the increasing Denied Entry to Oz from the University of Southern temperatures of pg 5 California, describing themselves as ‘The the earth will Amateur Gynecologists’, have released logically result in Eskimos in Alaska now require less (and more scandalous) clothing a report claiming that 2010 will see the removal of clothing items. SANDRA BULLOCK ASHAMED a steady rise in the attractiveness of Global warming activist Professor BY LEAKED VIDEO others. “It’s basic science,” McKinsky said. Tim Flannery described the findings Miss Congeniality 2 ‘horrible’ “When the ‘ass is bodacious’ and the as “ludicrous” but maintained global p21 “We’ve been noticing for a while now ‘dance floor’ is ‘flirtatious’, women warming is a real threat. that chicks on campus have been getting respond by taking off all their clothes MASSIVE HOLE steadily hotter and hotter,” said Joel whilst moaning.” “The heat is on, on the street, inside your McKinsky, 21, “and we firmly believe, head, on every beat and the beat’s so OPENS UP ON KING ST based on extensive scientific projections, “It also seems like the theory might be loud, deep inside. The pressure’s high, Police are looking into it that 2010 will see the hottest bunch of applicable to men, but we haven’t studied just to stay alive. ‘Cause the heat is on,” pg 6 freshman ever recorded.” that,” he added. “That would be gay.” Flannery said. The Garter Press Comment

by the courteous and friendly eyeballs. Such bliss. delightfully with its own blood waitstaff, who have been explic- and teeth. itly instructed by D’Croupier Our plates were then cleared But the long term mouth dam- to only respond to Esperanto, and smashed over the heads of age was worth it, for the dessert when sung to the tune of Ruby the patrons beside us to their was truly remarkable. Fine Tuesday. What a magical start delight and screaming. After A small Inuit man was brought to a magical night. the mandatory three hour break to our table and forced to cry by between meals, strictly enforced being shown the final scene of After you are shown your seats by D’Croupier, our mains arrive. Life is Beautiful. His tears were Dining then collected and frozen, then (difficult as the restaurant is in a perpetual state of darkness), Sauted spinach, stuffed into the shot down our throats with the With you are shouted the specials by brain of a live cow, is then set cannon by which the small Inuit a D’Croupier himself, who after alight right there at your table first entered. Chesterton Fancyspoons each menu item, spits in your and extinguished with a 1787 ear and whispers you the precise Chateau Lafite. It is then served BLAQUE is an essential experi- date of your death. out of the open mouth of the ence for all those who enjoy the All this is designed to create the Governor General with a side of finer points of the gourmet and atmosphere required to enjoy wedges. who only have a few weeks to BLAQUE is located in the leafy course, killing four diners and the fare to come. Which I am live. suburb of Surry Hills, tucked impressing several others? thrilled to recount for you here. After we had eaten our way between a toy store and a cafe through the next three plates, The waiting list is long, so bring designed to look like a toy store. I am happy to announce that this The entree was a fresh twist we were permitted to start on a large knife as D’Croupier I approached the restaurant establishment not only leads the on an old classic. Think you’ve the food on which they were insists that guests fight to the with trepidation. Would it live way in contemporary molecular tried falcon meat? Well, I can served. The texture was some- death for their tables. up to all the hype surrounding degustation dining, but it leaves now assure you that the only what crunchy and grainy, much its opening, when the head chef, the rest behind, grasping their way to enjoy it is to have it like the ceramic that had embed- Bon eating! Martin D’Croupier , released ankles from rattlesnake bites. pureed, turned into a fine mist ded itself in my gums, but left live rattlesnakes after the main We were taken to our seats then sprayed directly into your me with a palate that trickled

MULCHBEAST!!! QUENTIN FERGUSON hot-air balloon race was biased ‘balloon’ and ‘outsnaffu’ have LETTERS and unjust. You reported that I been included in past editions. Yours in flight, OH NO! was seven leagues out of Essex when I ran into an updraught, Dear Sirs, Ivan D. Mulchbeast hitched my brandyline and had To the Editors of The Garter, To the editor, to outsnaffu the whirly girlly. In exercising my right of reply While this remains true, it is to anon (William Franks), With all due respect to the The DEAR THE GARTER, If Tony Abbot is so good at highly improper to print and might I say [in a voice two Garter metereology centre, I swimming, why doesn’t he will no doubt offend the ladies. octaves higher than the voice have some corrections to the HOW DO I GET MY swim to the ETS and get it which I imagine William forecast (11/4/10) for this Fri- CAPS LOCK KEY OFF? IT sorted out!? Wait. That made Yours in quiet indignation and Franks to have]: If Tony Ab- day, on which we are promised MAKES ME APPEAR TO sense in my head. My apolo- top hat, bot is so good at swimming, clear skies and balmy tempera- BE SHOUTING, WHICH, gies. why doesn’t he swim to the tures. With the completion of AS A TYPICALLY QUIET Lord Nigel Brackenberry ETS and get it sorted out!? my Machine due any moment, PERSON, IS OBVIOUSLY anon (William Franks) Wait. That made sense in my and my coming to possess pow- DISTRESSING. never mind, i Editors note: The Garter has head. My apologies. ers of flight, I would hazard found it. what an ordeal. Sirs and Maddames. never published an article on this My apologies also, that the forecast will be fiery subject, although it should be Tony Abbott with a late-afternoon chance of regards, Your coverage of the great known that the words ‘hot’, ‘air’,

all started in bible times, erat demonstrandum’. It’s some who have listened when people built such a (quite literally!) all Greek to it still in it’s prototype tall tower that it poked to me! form have later complained God in the eye. Ouch! said of inner ear irritation and God, and condemned them But foreign tongues can a feeling of unholy dread. all to speak differently. sometimes have word- #Maisy has failed! Imagine that! Not being gifts to offer us too - how able to say the simplest about these examples for Which brings me to a sad things like “how do I get example: did you know note on which to ‘full- down from this tower?” and that you are using an alien stop’ this week’s lesson, be understood. tongue when you ask "could as languages do not just I please have the bri- grow, they can sometimes Scientists take a different oche?", or "is that red- die too. Just as Latin has with view and have concluded wood potpourri?" and even passed away, so will this Maisy that all languages in fact "LETsaf?” As they say World of Words. Snuffington grew out of one single one. in Pennsylvania, “viva la dif- English (BBC!). ference!” But not to fear my fellow Good Day! Or should I say or Asian in China, you are wordologists, Maisy will be Bonjour, Auf Wiedersein or enjoying the many ways we This explains why so many But do all languages need back in a few days time. perhaps Sudoku! can enter the Wonderful words sound the same in a billion speakers to be Our wonderful editor has World (World Wide!) of different tongues. The considered a language? sent me on a special fact No, Maisy has not left (World Wide) Words! Latinos sneakily borrowed Maisy has actually taken a finding mission to Russia, spellcheck off! I’m simply the work of the BBC in the leading role in a project to so I’ll no doubt be back full talking to you in some dif- Of course, Asian isn’t 1950s, and by changing a create a Universal Word of new facts and wonder- ferent languages! strictly a language, it’s also few letters claimed thier of Worlds, identifying ments! a cuisine! Yumo. own New World of Words: and transposing the fun- Did you know that there ‘wine’ being taken as ‘vino’, damental building blocks Goodbye, or as they say in are over six languages in But let’s look at how all ktichen being taken as of communication so that Russia: See you later! the world alone!? Whether these languages came to ‘culina’ and the aphorism everyone can be understod you’re speaking Chinese in be languages! Well, some ‘crocs are for rats and clearely wherever they’re. China, German in Germany people will tell you that it demons, random!’ being How about an example! bastardised as as ‘quod Well perhaps not yet, as The Garter Press Lifestyle

‘Slide’ 16 definitions of this House in Glebe, lovely court- CLASSIFIEDS word (not as simple as it looks) yard, own bathroom, furnished COLUMN∞ must sell as a package. with a plasma tv. $50 a week. DEATHS iPad. Well , not so much an (the walls are made of rats. Dorris from west Artarmon that will make you look a sorry) Mr and Mrs Fuller mourn the iPad as a picture of one. And writes, “cake cake cake thousand bucks! $1000. passing of their goldfish Flippy not so much a picture of one caaaaaake cake cake caaaake Castle. Scots Baronal Architec- who was selfishly swallowed as a written description of cake cake cake caaaaaaake Diamond the size of the Ritz! tural style with, turrets, late then lodged in the throat of what I imagine one to look like. cake cake cake caaaaaake cake Price: Free. Other conditions: 10th century drawbridge, lava their three-year-old son, Sam I’m sorry. cake caaaake cake cake cake Be quick! 0235 833 832 None. Trick Business: none. and blocks with angry faces on (deceased). No flowers please Anything you’ll regret by taking them. Contact Bowser. (Mario (for Sam). caaaaaaake cake cake cake caaaaaake cake cake caaaake The Time. It’s 8:45 by my this? Nup. It’s yours.* need not apply) cake cake cake caaaaaaake watch. You’re welcome. The novel! I’m a wanker. Atlas that maps the move- Rustic house in Newtown! cake cake cake caaaaaake cake Pile of Wood falling at you ments of all your friends and Perfect for those who don’t All who laughed at the name cake caaaake cake cake cake from an immense height - enemies alike, ability to crush mind the smell of piss and of Ivan D. Mulchbeast. Al- caaaaaaake cake cake cake when will it strike? Looking up them with giant thumb op- meth in the carpets and though not strictly a death, caaaaaake fuckcabinet cake will either help you dodge it tional but recommended. neighbours who are constantly as they are all stuck between cake caaaake cake cake cake or make you get hit square in trying to kill each other. Also, some kind of hellish life and caaaaaaake cake cake cake the face, it’s entirely up to you. Radio Star is to video as ____ your phone won’t work in the death, where light and dark caaaaaake cake cake caaaake $10 for me to calm you down. is to JFK? lounge room for some reason. meet and where there is also cake cake cake caaaaaaake Phone CIA much slime. cake cake cake caaaaaake cake Wait! It’s actually 2:15. My cake caaaake cake cake cake watch was on upside-down. All your blood. I command you PERSONALS The guy on the front page. caaaaaaake cake cake cake Sorry for any inconvenience. to give me all your blood. Con- We’re sorry, we wanted to pay caaaaaake cake cake caaaake tact Nosferatu. Don’t bother, I the ransom but it was too an- cake cake cake caaaaaaake The Garter Press that you are am behind you! Nah, I’m not, Looking for a man to warm noying. cake cake cake caaaaaake cake holding was once used as my call me please. my sheets at night. Bring own cake caaaake cake cake cake sweat band. Rank. Plus I want 553 883 048 sheet warmer then leave im- Your dog. Timmy, your mother caaaaaaake cake cake cake it back, 5887 6488. mediately. Call Dorris. and I thought this was the best caaaaaake cake cake caaaake *you’re mine way to tell you. Also we’re get- cake cake cake caaaaaaaaaaa ting divorced, but don’t worry, Diving Board looking for new Do you like cats? I love cats! If aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa you’re adopted. underwater board meeting I could be any animal it would aaaaaaake yum.” That’ll do, Your (fake) Mum and Dad. room, call 15 15 61 quickly, TO RENT be a cat! I am a cat. No dogs Dorris. That’ll do. getting nothing done up here. please. 3058 385 394 Spotted in Killara by Mabel Holsworth: a man laying on a man in the back of the head, school were on an excursion to the street asking for money. ate a chilli that I thought was a the scrap yard when I accidentally “Maybe he should get a capsicum and couldn’t remember pushed him into the car compac- job,” suggests Mabel. Great the name of the lead singer of tor, killing him instantly. idea Mabel! Fall Out Boy. And then I looked up and saw John Cheshire weighs in on that my crush had been standing SOME BULLSHIT the apostrophe catastrophe GARTER GP Am I still virgin? there the whole time and had (12/3/87 - present) informing seen everything!!!! *cringe* ABOUT ZACH our readers that “there are Dear Garter GP, Each week, our very own Garter more goddamn important I had sex with a horse. EFRON OR Girl answers all your gross ques- Dear Garter Girl, things to worry about that Am I still a virgin? tions! TWILIGHT OR goddamn apostrophes. You’ve OMG totes embarrassed by my all wasted you’re lives”. We Dear Garter Girl, How Embarrass- stupid Mum! I was out w my gfs SOME OTHER think John means ‘wasted your I had sex with my boyfriend last and she came up and told me lives’! night. ing! that my Dad died. IN FRONT OF BULLSHIT Am I still a virgin? EVERYONE! Which pet is the best pet? High School Musical, Edward Dear, The Garter Girl. Phillip from Punchbowl Dear Garter Garter Girl, Cullen I am totally Bella twitter would like to speak on besties slumber party getting out I experience a burning sensation The other week I was walking SECRET CRUSH behalf of the giant squid! of PE and other things that girls every time I have sex. out of Sportsgirl when I got a Well, Phillip it was between bang on about. Am I still virgin? bad case of explosive diarrhoea. Dear Garter Girl, cats and dogs, so maybe I realised that I wasn’t wearing next time. Dear Garter Girl, any pants, fell flat on my face, Okay, this is totally embarrassing, but me and a CUTE boy from my I am an avid horse rider. accidentally punched an elderly Send your submissions to Column∞: [email protected]

The Garter would like to The Garter wishes to welcome Dolores warn back to The Garter with open arms. Henry Hawthorne, Ben Jenkins, David Mack, We hope your holiday in Russia was Joe-Smith Davies and Shaz Rutman, enjoyable and we apologise unreservedly Stay the hell off our lawn. for everything. Dolores. Once again, I had no idea who your father- in-law was, but that’s all behind us, right? Ho ho! Hope you like the new office, you can move in as soon as I get my things out. - Ed Students’ Representative Council The University of Sydney

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