Film Nightlife Oscars nominations Mylo

page 13 and Co page 19

page 4 Guardian Student Newspaper of the Year

h e student newspaper of Imperial College

No. 1,370 • Friday • 26 January 2007 • ffelixelix felixonline.co.uk RCSU Science PHOTO COURTESY OF LIVE! - LIVE.CGCU.NET Challenge launched Competition launched College-wide with a first prize of £2500 and judged by Professor Lord Robert Winston among others

Andy Sykes Marrouche. Mr Marrouche spoke judges for the award. Professor Editor-in-chief for half an hour on the topic, reveal- Lord Robert Winston, the much-tel- ing the question to be: “What scien- evised fertility expert (and Emeri- Almost 100 people attended the tific development or breakthrough tus Professor in Fertility Studies at launch of the Royal College of Sci- do you think will be most significant the College) is to take part, along- ence Union (RCSU) “Science Chal- within the next hundred years?” side Dr Simon Singh MBE (an lenge” in the Blackett Lab on Tues- The theme ties in with Imperial Imperial alumnus, writer of The day night. College’s Centenary year; the Col- Code Book and other popular sci- The aim of the competition is to lege was founded in 1907. ence books), Dr Raj Persaud (psy- write an 800 word essay on the top- The RCSU and its President have chiatrist, Radio 4 presenter of All In ic revealed by RCSU President, Jad assembled a prestigious group of The Mind, and journalist), and Dr Roger Highfield (Science Editor at the Daily Telegraph). This expert panel will judge the fi- The question nal entries after they’ve been pared down by a panel of academics from “What scientific development or breakthrough will be the College. the most significant within the next hundred years?” First prize is £2500, a day shad- owing Dr Highfield at the Daily Telegraph, and a top-of-the-range The judges Apple Macbook. Five runners-up will be given £100 and a bottle of Professor Lord Robert Winston (Emeritus Professor of Fertility champagne, with submissions be- Studies at the College) ing considered for publication in the Daily Telegraph. Dr Simon Singh (author of The Code Book, Imperial alumnus) The prizes have been kindly provided by Apple, Cockburn & Dr Raj Persaud (broadcaster, psychiatrist, and journalist) Campbell, Schlumberger, and the Telegraph. Dr Roger Highfield (Science Editor at the Daily Telegraph) All entries must be submitted by 23 February, and can be entered online (at http://rcsu.org.uk/index. The prizes php?page/challenge) or on paper to the RCSU office. The Grand Final, First prize: £2500, a day shadowing Dr Highfield, and an Apple which has been promised coverage MacBook by the BBC, Telegraph, Times, In- dependent and Guardian, will take Runners-up: £100 and a bottle of champagne place on 9 March at a yet-to-be-de- RCSU President, Jad Marrouche, seen here cradling a giant invisible termined location. hotdog while annoucing the launch of the RSCU’s Science Challenge 2 felix Friday 26 January 2007

NEWS [email protected] Bar restructuring faces problems Staff find the new EPoS system slow and crash-prone, and with many experienced student bar staff having left in sympathy with members of Union staff who took redundancy during the management reshuffle

Andy Sykes were treated, with many struggling to find out what would be happen- The Union bars have faced prob- ing to their managers. lems resulting from the implemen- Many of the experienced student tation of a new Electronic Point of staff then chose to leave once the Sale system (EPoS) and a change bar managers had taken redundan- in the management structure of the cy, citing their dissatisfaction with bar. the whole process. This left the The restructuring of the bar falls bars in a poor state, with the com- under remit of the Union’s Com- munal atmosphere behind the bar mercial Services division. Felix is degenerating to the point of alleged prevented from commenting on the sabotage of systems to hamper the performance of staff members spe- newly arrived Trading Manager. cifically by the Staff-Student Proto- The new staff lacked experience, col (see page 4), but can comment and this lead to a plummet in the on the changes made by the divi- quality of bar service (this reporter sion as a whole. has had trouble getting a full pint The EPoS system was designed pulled most days). to improve stock control in the bar The new Trading Manager has and to increase service speed. In- been left to deal with this situation. stalling the EPoS system was a key However, things are slowly improv- factor in deciding to change the way ing – training is continuing for the the bars are managed, a new post new bar staff, and a number of oth- of Trading Manager was created er improvements have been seen in (which was filled by early Novem- the bars, such as new furniture, an ber). This new position oversees all increase in catering quality, the in- of the Union bars and catering. troduction of new house wines, and This led to a review of the bar the long-awaited introduction of managers’ positions, as much of chips to the bar (this reporter likes their work was now rolled into the that a lot). Trading Manager position and the The EPoS system has so far EPoS system. The staff filling these proved less than satisfactory. Both positions were offered pay cuts, old and new bar staff have com- transfer to other positions, or vol- mented to Felix that the tills are untary redundancy. The three bar much slower than the old cash tills The new EPoS tills in da Vinci’s; they crash if staff swipe their access cards while the till drawer is open managers chose to take the redun- (requiring scrolling through a long dancy package. menu for the correct drinks item) During this consultation period, and restrict staff to serving a sin- currently without a backup system. the Deputy President (Graduate stock written off over the last few the student media (Felix and Live!) gle customer at a time. The tills, Additionally, the Executive Com- Students), Shama Rahman. How- years; this has drawn the attention were prevented from commenting which are Windows-based, are also mittee believed that the new EPoS ever, the comments on the article of the Union’s auditors. by employment law, despite cries prone to crashing mid-service due system would be compatible with quickly developed into a free-for- Any change is of course fraught from the student staff about the to a software bug. Even sabbaticals the new “cashless” (pay by ‘smart’ all on the sabbs and Commercial with difficulty, and things have not redundancies. have been critical of the current swipe card) system the College Services on the way the restructing turned out as bad as they could The student bar staff are classed state of the system after working has been investigating; however, was handled. At the time of going to have. as ‘casual’ staff and were therefore behind the bar in recent weeks. it now appears that implementing press, the article had more than 100 There are still a number of issues not included in the consultation. The tills are also not connected compatibility between the Union comments. to be resolved, such as the role of Many at the time expressed their across the Union core, meaning and College systems could be very Many of the disgruntled com- the Union shop and separate online dissatisfaction with the departure the dBs and da Vinci’s tills operate expensive. mentators questioned the original shop, the EPoS bugs and the train- of the three bar managers, whom independently, though wiring is ap- Many of these facts came to light reasons for the restructuring of the ing of new staff to replace the expe- they felt loyal to, and raised their parently in place. through comments made on an bars, citing the fact that the bars are rienced staff. concerns with the sabbs and senior The server, which the tills report article on Live!, the City & Guilds turning over a healthy profit. The members of Commercial Services. to, has cost much more than previ- online newspaper (available at live. Union shop, however, lost around This reporter heard many criti- ously reported (as “low hundreds”) cgcu.net). The article concerned £7,000 last year, and online regalia For another perspective on the cisms of the way the student staff to the Executive Committee and is the motion of no confidence in sales faring poorly, with £26,000 of bar restructuring, see page 4. felix 1,370 Friday 26.1.07

Iraqi oil debate Nightlife returns “It has been another bad week in “Onto the dance floor, despite it Iraq. On Saturday 25 US troops being early, that didn’t mean you were killed. On Monday, accord- couldn’t be stopped every few min- ing to the BBC, more than 130 utes by somebody with the man- Iraqi people died in Baghdad and ners to kick over the drink you deli- Baquba, in one of the car-bomb cately placed on the floor or barge attacks we are getting so used to into your get fonky zone.” hearing about.” PAGES 18 & 19 PAGE 3 Big bald bastard Biobrick risks “Seemingly, Hitman is littered with “The concern is that bioterror- bomb-able places. Chairs, chande- ists might also desire to construct liers, cakes – dead dog carcasses deadly pathogens along the lines and flagpoles seem to be the only of Spanish ‘flu.” things that you can’t shove some PAGE 10 plastique on and send into orbit.” PAGE 22 Sex and fashion “Newton's innovative photography Square eyes confronted social taboos and ex- | | | | 9 | | 2 | | | 1 | plored sexual dynamics, changing | | 5 | | | 1 | | 2 | | 3 | WHAT... the face of fashion photography.” Rhymes with... | 2 | | 1 | | 8 | | | 5 | | WHAT? PAGE 11 CENTRE PAGES PAGES 26 & 27 INVISIBLE BIKE! Friday 26 January 2007 felix 3

POLITICS [email protected] Democracy Vs Petrodollar$

Andrew Ireson

It has been another bad week in Iraq. On Saturday 25 US troops were killed. On Monday, according Omar Hashmi to the BBC, more than 130 Iraqi peo- ple died in Baghdad and Baquba, in Politics Editor one of the car-bomb attacks we are getting so used to hearing about. As disaster on a scale we in Lon- hey say it is the end of don cannot even imagine continues the American Century. to unfold, our dear leaders in Lon- Not only have people ac- don and Washington continue deny cepted this, but they are reality. As a civil war engulfs Iraq, preparing for what hap- in which our troops are but one of Tpens after it. A good country must many sides, all the opinion polls plan for at least 100 years in the show a majority of Iraqis want the future (take Amsterdam’s flooding US/UK troops to withdraw. problem for instance). So when the However, in this article, I want to next bad boy, China, has a little slip- address the main ‘conspiracy the- up like testing a ground-to-satellite ory’ about oil. In 2003, when Blair missile into outer space, which the was selling the Iraq war to parlia- The sun sets behind ships berthed at the important Al Basra Oil Terminal in the Northern Arabian Gulf Foreign Ministry Liu Jianchao has ment, as well as something about the audacity to call a “peaceful ac- 45 minutes, he also said “the oil rev- tivity”, you have to wonder what on enues, which people falsely claim eter, is critical of these develop- polite to actually take into account reorganize the national oil industry earth is going on. that we want to seize, should be put ments, writing in the Guardian “A the clearly expressed wishes of as a commercial enterprise.” And Timothy Garton Ash, a well re- in a trust fund for the Iraqi people government that is failing to pro- the Iraqi people? That would mean of course, Bush’s latest policy is to spected Professor of European administered through the UN.” tect the lives of its citizens must firstly not allowing our corporations send in 20,000 more troops to cre- Studies at Oxford University, has Earlier this month The Independ- not embark on controversial legis- to lobby the fragile and dysfunction- ate a surge of violence, and flush previously stated that a handful of ent reported on a new Iraqi oil law. lation that ties the hands of future al Iraqi government, no doubt with out (i.e. kill) the “terrorists”. far-sighted people in Washington “Iraq’s massive oil reserves, the Iraqi leaders, and which threatens bribes and inducements (see BAE This current course, disregarding are beginning to formulate a long- third-largest in the world, are about to squander the Iraqis’ precious, Systems in Saudi Arabia), effec- the opinions of the majority of peo- term American strategy of trying to be thrown open for large-scale ex- exhaustible resource in an orgy of tively giving themselves control of ple both in Iraq and in the West, and to create an international environ- ploitation by Western oil companies waste, corruption and theft… This “one of the greatest material prizes viewing all problems through the ment that would protect common under a controversial law which is state of affairs has negative results in world history.” Secondly, it would crosshairs of a bombsight, could interests even when American hy- expected to come before the Iraqi for all except those who are corrupt mean withdrawing our troops in the in the long term bring peace to the perpower has faded, and to encour- parliament within days… It would and unscrupulous, and the vora- least damaging, yet most immedi- Middle East. Graveyards, after all, age rising powers such as India and give big oil companies such as BP, cious foreign oil corporations.” In ate manner possible. But this won’t are very peaceful places. China to sign up to such an order. Shell and Exxon 30-year contracts other words, the Iraqi people are happen. The Iraq Study Group en- But the more concerning question to extract Iraqi crude and allow the demanding sovereignty over their dorses selling off the oil to the mul- The author has created a petition is, when China and India do rise, first large-scale operation of foreign most important economic resource, tinational companies, saying “The on the Prime Minister’s website, how violent will the earthquake be? oil interests in the country since the which accounts for 95% of the Iraqi United States should encourage urging him not to allow Western And in the race for dominance, will industry was nationalised in 1972.” economy. Since no WMD were investment in Iraq’s oil sector by Corporations to put pressure on we see yet another pseudo-slave Kamil Mahdi, an Iraqi academic found, we learned that we are in the international community and the Iraqi government over this is- trade-off of rights with advantages and senior lecturer in Middle East fact on a democratising mission in by international energy compa- sue. To sign it go to http://petitions. for the prosperous nations? economics at the University of Ex- Iraq. Therefore, wouldn’t it be only nies… and assist Iraqi leaders to pm.gov.uk/Iraqi-oil Still hoping, still waiting. Policy of multiculturalism officially ditched

Ahmad Moolla pleted process. elements. Without cooperation and The implementation of these core understanding, the future is bleak. One of the many buzzwords associ- values is nevertheless quite subjec- In all societies, there exist rene- ated with New Labour’s ‘Blairism’ tive and is defined by the people gades who detract and work against has been multiculturalism. But like that comprise a community. These the core values. And quite rightly, with many other policy threads, values allow for huge disagreement these people should be dealt with multiculturalism now appears to in personal opinions, actions and appropriately. But it is simply unac- have gone out of fashion. even legislation. ceptable when a person is asked to This hands-off approach has come But this continual appraisal and go against their own personal val- about for many reasons, but has un- debate is an important cornerstone ues, values that do not contradict doubtedly followed the rightwards of any progressive society, and one the core societal values. political shift of the current govern- which multiculturalism in fact facil- So when a person exhibits Nazi ment. In recent policy speeches, itates. The concept of multicultur- tendencies or when they blow Tony Blair has swept aside the alism is that differences in opinion themselves up on an underground nuances of cultural interaction should be respected, probed and train killing innocents, it is not mul- and has adopted a rather more di- debated. This will in turn allow for ticulturalism that is at fault. It is not rect approach to Britishness, in society’s core values to flourish. the group from which they hail who effect rebuking some for holding If the debate is undertaken with is at fault, nor is it the immigration on to certain cultural values. Most a constructive mindset, it will allow system that is at fault. It is rather of these values however pose no those partaking to gain in knowl- that they have failed to abide by the threat to civilised society and as Tony Blair in a speech last year on “British values” edge and understanding. Without core tenets of society and the line one may expect, have been passed knowledge, there can only be scant between personal opinion and soci- down the generational ladder. As a tolerance. With knowledge, there etal values has been blurred. result, current governmental policy UK well before their conception, going two-way process, where both can be respect. Multiculturalism Obliging people to renounce their has not only caused significant dis- when their ancestors moved to the previously native and newly native therefore seeks to build a more personal values to make ‘society comfort amongst immigrant popu- UK, were given the Imperial Brit- populations interact, communicate prosperous, inclusive and progres- better’ is neither practical nor jus- lations, but has also made second ish stamp of approval in the form and continually assess their ideas sive society. tifiable. It is in fact a backward and subsequent generations feel of the prized crimson-red book and and beliefs. By distancing itself from multicul- suggestion. A society need not be guilty for their beliefs. were free to find a livelihood of their Yet, as a condition of citizenship, turalism and adopting an “enough homogeneous to work. Blackmail- Whilst the task of defining British- choosing anywhere across Her Maj- those who immigrate are quite is enough” attitude, the British ing the offspring of immigrants by ness rumbles on in many conversa- esty’s land and with her Royal seal rightly obliged to accept the rules government seems to be bowing to referring or making them feel akin tions, whether in the public house of approval. and framework of their host soci- the pressure of those from the far to ‘guests’ or second-class citizens or the upper echelons of the Home Integration simply means that a ety. They however, need not agree right who show little interest in un- will not work either. Office, there are a number of key is- person is absorbed into a new popu- with all the occurings within that derstanding those of any different Culture is simply the flavouring of sues that need clarification. lation and is thus part of that soci- society, but fundamentally, they do persuasion to themselves. an underlying product. Multicultur- First on the list is the separation ety. It is assimilation however that accept its core values – those along Yet this approach makes no sense. alism allows one to taste the differ- of multiculturalism from integra- is the important practical phase the lines of tolerance, freedom of Individual societies are no longer ent flavours in which that product tion. Integration happened long when new arrivals begin to inter- speech, equality, justice and wel- the truly independent entities of may be found. One should be en- ago. It happened for anyone from act and find their niche in society. fare for all. As long as they accept yesteryear, with no outside influ- couraged to taste the difference, for a non-British lineage born in the Furthermore, assimilation is an on- these basics, integration is a com- ence, but are composed of global it may encourage a different view. 4 felix Friday 26 January 2007 Comment&Opinion What happened to the Union bars? Over the summer, a “restructuring” of the bar took place which went largely unnoticed by the majority of the student population. Now, after it’s all over, Jess Baker and Mez Pahlan reveal exactly what happened

he more observant even more of an insult. The looks tra money (due to the extra respon- I only did it because I wanted a de- amongst you may have on their faces when we came back sibility they were undertaking) as cent drink! noticed that changes and said, “are you being made re- well as giving them experience in a These people have stated that have been brewing dundant?!” was heartbreaking. The more managerial role than normal the queues at the Christmas Car- around the Union bars. Catering Manager, John Ivory, also bar staff. My experience with him nival being shorter than those at TWhen you came back from your made it very clear to us later on was not a pleasant one since he was the summer carnival last year is long, lazy summer holidays, there that week that he was facing redun- unwilling to listen to any suggestion “proof” that the new management was a big asbestos-filled hole in- dancy as well. I had. are working better than the old stead of a central foyer, and da It never really became clear to any It transpired, through both the ones. What you might not know is Vinci’s had turned a lovely clinical one of us, though, why the changes conversation with John Collins and that under Mick, Rob and Si, last shade of green. But not all of the were happening. In the executive later conversations with the bar year’s summer carnival last year changes that have been happening committee meeting of 21 Septem- managers (Mick Dowling, Rob Doo- saw the largest bar take – ever. You have been so visibly noticeable. ber 2006, financial figures were ley and Si Bell) themselves, that the remember the one hour queues at The bars and catering at the submitted for the 2005-2006 year. To bar managers were being offered the bar? That’s because we were Jess Baker Union went through a complete make things simple for you so that the chance to apply for the new jobs about five staff short that night – restructuring last term. This was you don’t have to wade through ac- which were being created. A new they were all on your side of the bar, planned out during the summer counting rubbish, the figures show position of Trading Manager would drinking, or had already gone home and put into action at the end of that: be employed to oversee bars and for the summer. August. At this time, the bars and • “Refectory” (bars and cater- catering and there would be several This Christmas carnival, the catering staff were invited to a ing) made a “net surplus” of nearly lesser “operational” managers be- queues were a bit shorter (about meeting with the Permanent Secre- £120,000. neath him. The managers had the half an hour), but that’s because the tary and the Commercial Services • The shop, on the other hand, option of applying for Trading Man- bar was fully staffed. There would manager to discuss the new EPOS LOST nearly £8000 ager or taking the new equivalents have been even shorter queues if system and explain that there may • Ents made a LOSS of over of their old jobs. The roles would be there had been any experienced be some staff restructuring but £27,000. reduced and so eventually would staff on duty, in fact with a full com- that there was nothing to worry The figures speak for themselves. their pay. All three of the manag- plement of decent staff the queues about. Student staff present at the The Shop and Ents were haemor- ers ended up taking the voluntary could have been down to about 10 meeting expressed concern over rhaging money, whilst the bars and redundancy package. Most of the minutes. whether their jobs would be chang- catering were making up the dif- experienced bar staff, disgusted at Some of the members of stu- ing as a result of the restructuring ference. So why were the manage- the situation, left at this time. dent staff who had weathered the Mez Pahlan and were assured that there would ment systems in these areas being For a while after the bar manag- change in management at the bar be no changes to the role of student changed? ers left, the bar was still operating were threatened with being fired staff (this was later found to be un- I took it upon myself to try and with Mick’s name as Designated for expressing their opinion on a true after the abolishment of the bar speak to the management of the Un- Premises Supervisor and none of non-college website (Facebook) stewards role). The meeting was ion about what was going on, what the new bar operations managers, that they no longer enjoyed their held during the summer months so were the reasons for it happening or the trading manager, were even jobs as much as they used to. A cou- most of the staff were at home or on and if it was possible that it could be mentioned on the license! The signs ple of years ago bar staff, catering holiday. I can’t remember a single avoided. I sat with John Collins, our up at the Christmas carnival still and stewards were changed from student staff at that meeting who president, for over an hour talking contained the old bar management part-time to casual staff. There still works for the Union today out about the bar; what needed to be names. This kind of thing can get would have been a real case for un- of shear disgust at being used and fixed, what worked, what didn’t and a bar shut down if the local coun- fair dismissal if bar staff were still lied to. finally why the changes were being cil find out about it and there was part-time staff. The Union would The word ‘consultation’ sends a made. John told me that there was really no excuse for the names not almost definitely have lost this case chill down the spine of anyone who no way back from the proceedings, having been changed, as there was costing the students money (lots of knows much about employment and that student staff jobs were more than enough notice to do so. money since there were quite a few law. What ‘consultation’ gener- bound to change as the new struc- Some people have commented people involved). ally means is that people are being ture involved having more perma- that the bar is working better now made redundant. It of course came nent members of staff who would than ever - I hasten to disagree. out within a matter of hours that be on shift at the weekends. There The few times I have been back the the bar managers were facing re- would be no need for any more service has been shoddy and I have The staff-student dundancy. The fact that they hadn’t senior staff who worked without a found myself instructing staff on been informed that their staff were manager on the weekends. These how to pour drinks professionally. protocol being called in for a meeting was shifts earned the bar stewards ex- This is not my job any more – and You may wonder why the students were not told about what was hap- “The word pening to their bars before in pub- lications such as Felix and Live!. ‘consultation’ This is due to something called – Staff Student Protocol (SSP) sends a chill (http://www.union.ic.ac.uk/re- source/governance/mou.shtml#g). down the spine SSP has become part of employ- ment contracts within the Union of anyone and it serves two main purposes. To prevent permanent members who knows of staff (bar managers, catering managers, finance staff, et al) from much about interfering with the way the Union is run. Conversely it also aims to employment prevent members of ICU (that’s you and me) from discussing per- law. What manent members of staff. The idea being that a scenario whereby, “an ‘consultation’ employee of the Union who was criticised heavily in the student generally means media and chose to leave could sue for constructive dismissal” (Ashley is that people Brown, Live! Editor) is avoided. Whilst I agree with this aspect of are being made SSP there are two critical points that disgust me so deeply that I redundant.” wish to make them known to a wid- er audience. Friday 26 January 2007 felix 5

COMMENT & OPINION [email protected] Wielding the Big Brother piggy pig almighty organ Ammar Waraich rakes Jade Goody and Channel 4 over hot coals

“I know why there’s no noise… I know paid the price for trying to desperately risk of developing mental health prob- but I can’t tell you” said Jade to Shilpa seek the approval of the West. It is pa- lems, and her children fear “rejection”, as she left the Big Brother House. En- thetic how we can go on bended knees but Channel 4 has finally seen a healthy veloped by an eerie silence due to the and lick their boots in an effort to be increase in profits. The image of Brit- unusual absence of any live audience, part of their world”. ish society and culture abroad has been this rare exit has come about follow- Regardless, the point is not whether significantly damaged with a threat to ing fears for Jade’s safety after the Jade was being racist or not. What has our inward investment, but Endemol most controversial week in the show’s been shown on Big Brother has been may finally have convinced its parent history. unacceptable, full stop. Channel 4 and company Telefonica not to sell its con- Lets not forget that this is the same Endemol have been trying to excuse trolling stake. Moreover, the attention Andy Sykes person who has in the past frequently themselves with justifications rang- this has drawn in India will probably al- come out with gaffes such as “they ing from ‘its just bullying’ to ‘we are low Endemol to export Big Brother to a Editor-in-chief were trying to use me as an escape provoking debate’, but the truth of the huge emerging market and Channel 4 goat” or “Rio de Janeiro, ain’t that a matter has been succinctly put by an to make massive profits from the spin- have finally decided to print something on the person?” Now this is not about taking anonymous but successful TV produc- offs, advertising and 24 hour channels. restructuring of the Union bars. Originally, a highbrowed, stiff upper lip swipe at the vast majority of what is referenced oc- the eloquence of chavs or their lack of cured during the summer period, as we sabbs class and education. These are things were just being trained / indoctrinated / get- largely out of their control and a fault of ting drunk every evening. I’ve held off writing the unequal opportunities offered by the something for a while until it became apparent system. But the very first quote is either that the changes that have been made have af- a surprisingly deep foresight from Jade fected students (a number of people have approached or more likely, the unwanted product Ime about it - thanks to those that eventually convinced of coaching that escaped her lips dur- me), and that they didn’t understand what had hap- ing the live broadcast. Similarly, coolly pened and why. Hopefully, the news piece on page 2, and declaring that “I don’t see people for the comment piece on the left hand page should tell you the colour that they are, or where they exactly what happened in a (reasonably) fair and bal- come from. I don’t want to make a pen- anced way. ny from this. I don’t want money from Jade Goody: “Am I minging?” Yes. Yes you are. God almighty And now for something completely different. Elections something that is wrong” seems to be a are approaching. I know that this typically elicts a sigh suspiciously PC and coherent response of despair from your common-or-garden student, as god from someone who once expressed that er in the following quote: “they must be Ultimately though, the major chunk knows you hate being harrassed in your lunch hour by she “looked like a state”. unable to believe their luck. The Prime of the blame lies with us, the audience. a bunch of over-keen and under-washed student politi- Honestly looking at it, I do not think Minister, the Chancellor and the Lead- We have been the ones who have made cians. BUT WAIT! Jade was being overtly racist. I think er of the Opposition all in one day. You this celebration of stupidity and arro- If you whinge about the way the Union is run, and you she was out to intimidate someone who can’t buy that publicity”. Knowing fully gance the success it is. Television like didn’t vote, then tough. If you don’t like the current gag- she felt was better than her on all levels; that they would be able to get away with this has been a huge success in insulat- gle of sabbs, and you didn’t vote, then tough. If you think someone who was vulnerable and easy it, they have been making profiteering ing the masses and we have been the you can do better, then you should damn well stand. The to single out; someone who threatened entertainment out of the worst mental ones switching on and boosting ratings job of a sabb is pretty thankless for the majority of the her ego and her sense of celebrity. This torment and possibly discrimination for this sorry episode. I mean there is a time; no-one ever notices when you’re doing a good job, caused her to act as the alpha bully that Britain has to offer, conveniently reason why Jade’s perfume was a best but they will wreck you up if you’re doing a bad job. It is against Shilpa, against the backdrop of trying to patch things up in the end by seller and that she became a million- the only way you can make a difference in the way things two nefarious accomplices. It is some- blatantly coaching the contestants on aire through her ‘career’ of TV shows, are run round this corner of town. thing that as kids we have all seen on what to say to calm things down. magazine deals, an autobiography, and My third point is about Felix. If you don’t like what playgrounds. Besides, Shilpa was there No regard was given to the well be- remarkably, fitness DVDs! I myself you’ve seen here over the last term and two weeks, out of choice, as Bollywood filmmaker ing of ether Shilpa or Jade, who has am sorry to have given Big Brother then you need to tell me. I’m not psychic. We’ve made Mahesh Bhatt said in a Mumbai news- now truly been made the ‘escape goat’, even the limited publicity I have done a few changes this term, based on the comments we’ve paper: “I believe no-one can insult you when instead it should have been Chan- through this piece. Please people, just heard around campus. It seems you like the horoscopes without your permission. Shetty has nel 4 and Endemol. Jade is now at the switch it off. Enough is enough. and the extra sudoku, and that the centrefolds are nice to have back but a bit... off. I’m saying no more on that subject. I’ve got fill this space now, and I’ve got surprisingly lit- tle to say for a change. I could do what I normally do, and use these last few lines to relate some horribly trag- ic lovelife story, thereby purging myself of all residual Staff-student protocol explained emoness, or I could moan about how I’m getting old and can’t understand the music the kids like, or I could whinge about how my hearing is going and everything is Continued from left-hand page policy (by staff) and ICU staff (by stu- Union is run. Staff comments can be more expensive than it used to be. dents). If a staff member has acted in- a valuable asset to a body such as the I can’t do the lovelife story, as a dear, dear friend of “Staff members may not take part in appropriately or been made redundant Union. mine told me a far better one involving a young lady who public discussion of ICU policy nor give then these facts should be available to In most cases staff have a great deal happened to be into members of her own sex, yet he fell public expression to views contrary to the wider student body through media of knowledge that would be invaluable horrifically in love with her. It’s so fantastic you can’t ICU policy within the Union. outlets such as Live! and Felix. as suggestion. Of course if an elected make it up, and it made anything I could say look like a Staff members shall not comment on Naturally, decisions to hire and fire student wishes not to take that advice big fat load of teenage whining. ICU policy to representatives of the staff should not be influenced by the then that is his/ her right to do so. How- That’s it. Sorry for wasting your lunch hour. College media except to answer factual student press. SSP can still work to ever, the right of staff to voice opinion questions which come within their area ensure this. However, preventing facts should be exist and so should the right of work.” from being published and discussions to publish that opinion. and to be started is an insult to democratic According to the Editor of Live! it “The officers of the ICU shall not per- values. is all right to say what you like about felix mit discussions relating to the condi- Ultimately the Union is run for the members of staff who no longer work tions of employment, performance or benefits of the student body and no for the Union. However, the employ- Editor-in-chief Andy Sykes | Managing Editor Alex conduct of members of its staff in arti- one else. If a part of the Union is los- ment contract of current Union staff Antonov | Deputy Editor Tom Roberts | Science cles, correspondence or other publica- ing money then that means less money/ protects them from criticism by the stu- Editor Krystyna Larkham | Politics Editor Omar tions produced under the auspices of services available for students. This dent press. This means that if I were to Hashmi | Business Editor Michael Olymbios | Music the Union.” should not be hidden away from pub- make comment about one of the perma- Editors Matthew Hoban, Jenny Gibson, Tom Whitson | This is effectively censorship of the lication. I believe these facts should nent members of Union staff it would be Film Editor Andrew Likes Men | Arts Editor Emily media and free speech. Since it is be allowed to be printed. Ents and the censored. Lines | Food & Drink Editor *cough* | Fashion Editor an integral part of ICU employment Union Shop lost an awful lot of money I have every faith that the new man- Sarah Skeete | Nightlife Editor Gregory Mead | contracts, it is nothing short of legal last year. Under SSP discussion of why agers and new bar staff will get better Comment Editor Stephen Brown | Environment Editor censorship. this should be the case (for example in- in time and that things will be the same João Vitor Serra | Clubs & Societies Editor Kirsty I believe that the continued badgering dividual acts booked by the Ents man- if not better than they were. But until Patterson | Copy Editor Andy Mason, Edmund Henley, of the student press towards individual ager, losses from writing off stock in the that time I believe that discussions and Besast Robo, Jesse “Not The Body” Ventura staff members is wrong and shouldn’t Union Shop) is not allowed. comment should be allowed to take happen. Staff are not voted for by the SSP can still protect the “democratic place. Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB. Tel 020 7594 student body and should not directly practise” of the Union by preventing The Union may not respect the views 8072. Fax 020 7594 8065. Printed by The Northcliffe Press, Northcliffe be accountable to them. However, SSP staff actively interfering in Union poli- of students and staff in this context, but House, Meadow Road, Derby DE1 2DW. No 1,360, Friday 20 October 2006. has taken the rather worrying step of cy, but it should not censor or ban staff they should respect their right to voice Registered newspaper ISSN 1040-0711. Copyright © Felix 2006. banning all discussion relating to ICU from making comments on the way the their opinions. 6 felix Friday 26 January 2007

COMMENT & OPINION [email protected] Celebrate Britain and Britishness Valerio Chang believes the British deserve their own society to match the other overseas societies

e are writing to trymen, just like the Malaysians pects of our heritage, Queen’s Eng- bit of exposure to the pub culture, petition for the and Cypriots do. Being humans, lish, ‘Imperialism’ (pun intended), brutish rugby games, fish and chips, foundation of a (just like the Greeks,) we feel more and our capacity to hold our ale. Cornish pastries, cricket, tea and new society in our at ease and comfortable talking to Events we organize will include scones by the river, Monty Python Imperial College people from our own culture, who ale drinking, extreme queuing, and good old Yorkshire puddings. WUnion – the Royal Society of Great share our values and backgrounds. beer drinking, extended periods of We do hope you will consider our Britain, aka the BritSoc. Imagine a setting in which Bungle not complaining, lager drinking, all petition with the utmost serious- It is apparent that the dilution of and George, Fireman Sam and Su- cumulating in some good old hoo- ness, and look forward to the col- the British is beginning to cause a per Ted can all be reminisced about liganism; no event would be com- lege-wide realization of the great lack of unity and therefore, to pro- freely without having some interna- plete without it. Any non-British grandness of Great Britain. tect our identity we would suggest tional go, “who?!”. will inevitably benefit hugely from a Tally ho! the need for an entity to coagulate Being so thinly spread, we think us. One may say that the idea of we should even dare to consider having a British society is absurd, explicitly involving the Welsh, the but every other country seems to Irish and the Scots, to create an Valerio Chang have its own society, in which they environment where we can whine are free to revel in the presence about our dwindling numbers in of their compatriots. Take the Chi- over-zealous regional accents in nese, they seem to be so tremen- attempt to fully exclude those from dously excited at being Chinese, abroad. If it is as popular as we be- and so scared of forgetting their lieve it should be, it will become a “Any non-British mother-land they find it necessary crucial tool in helping us avoid ac- to have three societies. Yes, that’s cidentally learning about other cul- will inevitably three. We wouldn’t be surprised if tures or languages whilst studying sooner or later, we witness the for- at Imperial, providing the proverbi- benefit hugely mation of a Homo-sapien society. al ‘la la la, I’m not listening fingers H-Sap. Soc. – ‘Lest we forget’. in the ears’ with a touch of class. from a bit of One may argue that since we We will strive to represent the true are not exactly from overseas, we British culture within in this age of exposure to the shouldn’t qualify for an ‘overseas’ multiculturalism and help others society. There is, however, great to understand British traditions, pub culture” need for an environment in which values and accents. We wish to pro- we can bond with our fellow coun- mote awareness of the various as- Typical people of Britain, laughing in a typically British way We’re not antisocial, honest guv Nicholas English takes a look at what’s wrong with us at Imperial, and what we do well (hint: it’s not nothing)

ow often do you hear pussy assed, spot infested, compu- these absurdly long corridors with these words: “Only at ter game obsessed geeks (or g33ks walls that watch you as you walk Imperial would any- depending on your world of choice: and close in as you get nearer the one get that joke” or choices include real and WoW). Far pal in question so that you’re both has anyone ever been too often do I see people in conver- stuck in some sort of fake conver- Hwitness to this phrase echoing sation just laughing at how inept sation that doesn’t start or finish around the union bar: “I’m serious, Imperial is at events or moaning at within these confines. where are the women”? Imperial how expensive the formal dinners But never fear, these are some College is the biggest self-loathing are and how no-one goes to them tried and tested pointers on how group of people ever assembled in anyway it’s just a bunch of lecturers to avoid any sort of cringe worthy one place. getting shitted on wine that tastes moment: I like to think of myself as quite like it’s been secreted by an otter’s 1) The army salute: performed, socially active in and out of Impe- pancreas. These things may be with wink and click of tongue, with rial with, of course, other people at true, but why dwell on them when the intention of being as cheesy as this college and I still can’t seem there is a wealth of things to do in possible from the offset so that it to grasp why we hate ourselves London. I know this sounds cliché can’t get any worse. so much. In case you’d forgotten, but it’s true, it’s the fucking biggest 2) The bendy knees and double here’s a list of reasons why we ain’t city in fucking Europe. gun shooting with win and click of no hollaback girls: A point many people seem to per- At Imperial, we get them started young. Derive, you little bastard tongue, preceded by “eyyyyyy” a la 1) We’re the best college in sist upon is the lack of dynamism Fonz: hard to imagine but we’ve all London. offered by the Union in relation to seen it and fake laughed. 2) We’re the richest college in the events. In defence of this point of they’d be guffawing at the very idea but like there’s only 3 English stu- 3) The denial: both glance up U.K (mm, facilities) view, John Collins seems to have they had a rough ride at Imperial. dents on my course” or the one I several times and only say “alright 3) We have in our possession at rather special ideas about what we Although the new DaVinci’s layout was lucky enough to hear “This is mate” at the very last second. least 400 times the debating power require from him, by telling us the is sexy beyond belief, the union is the JCR, never go there”. I know 4) Chanting of the name from at of any other university on issues union is not just about organising still guilty of making going out sec- what you’re thinking “Tss don’t be least 50m away: crude but extreme- regarding the Muslim integration events. ond best, an immediate turn off for daft, the fella was having a laugh” ly effective, let’s other people know debate. I’d be very surprised if more than any student. well exactly and so are we when we that you’re happy to see this person 4) We don’t have any of those “art” 10% of students actually cared As you can tell this mass self-dep- joke about the fact there’s no sand- and that he’s obviously cool since students; you know, the ones who about politics and the NUS (ok, recation is a great concern of mine wiches left after 5 or something of a he has a chant for his name. get those really wispy haircuts and loads voted but only because you and after many hours of ruminat- similar ilk. 5) Casual conversation: worst pos- drone on about how much better e-harassed us into it, which I will ing I’ve come to the only sensible It’s not just the reputation gained sible, people can’t have 10 second Joy Division are than New Order never forgive you for), but let’s conclusion: Imperial College is to by Imperial. The layout is something conversations, it’s just unethical. or all those electro bands that copy be honest, a massive percentile blame. Not any figurehead, or rec- to behold. It has so many uncom- 6) My personal favourite: Run up them but actually listen to Steps of students want to get pissed 2, 3 tor or DPFS or DPGS or MFI or fortable social spots that it makes into their face at full tilt, body check- and they seem to think that being times a week and spend the rest B&Q but Imperial College as an you want to just sprint around col- ing them, fake punching or just hygienic is a constriction of their concentrating on balancing work institution; how many of you re- lege to avoid awkwardness. I’m screaming “AAHAHAHAAAAHHH- human rights: “I’m too much of a and the rest of their life. Student member at some point during your sure you’ve strolled down the Sher- GGGHHH” right in their mug. free spirit to clean this fork, now politics figures low low low down in open-day, visit or being in contact field Walkway, spotted a dear chum I hope this goes to show that we pass the bong; I have a higher plane the list of priorities; if you asked all with any imperialite prior to arriv- from afar and he’s spotted you, you need not mock ourselves for maybe to reach.” the students whether they thought ing at this institution, being told the know what’s coming but it’s too far not being the most party-going col- All that points to the good, right? their welfare was in good health at following facts: “Ah man, like you’ll away to start a conversation, too lege of all time but possess other Wrong. So stupidly, annoyingly, imperial college they’d all chuckle get a wicked degree and stuff but near to avoid and just down right qualities. It’s what’s inside that spoon to the eye wrong. For some and say “Course mate, cheers for like it’s 80-20 percent guys to girls” annoying. The same came be said counts, other unis just have beer in reason, we see ourselves as big fat asking” once you’re ten paces away or the classic: “It’s good here yeah of every department, they all have them. Friday 26 January 2007 felix 7

COMMENT & OPINION [email protected] The execution of Saddam Halls Mustaffa Junaid, an Iraqi Kurd, presents his feelings on the death of Saddam Hussein, watch and what it means for Iraq as the coalition forces struggle to restore order in Baghdad

t was Saturday December ing was dealt with by Saddam, who doubt conspiracy theorists will be case with these psychotic leaders. 30th 2006 that will go down in ruthlessly and meticulously killed itching to give an explanation. As a child I was always asked by my history as a special date for anyone involved and very quickly For so many years Saddam Hus- fellow classmates whether I liked or all Iraqis. The former leader crushed any resistance. The UN sein was the greatest enemy to al- hated Saddam. I always answered of a country, currently in a then imposed sanctions on Iraq most every Iraqi. However, there the same way; he was an evil man Paul Green Icivil war, was executed. The Iraqi that would cripple the country and was widespread fear amongst the whom no one liked. What frustrated government had wished that Sadd- destroy the lives of millions. For people with his spies infiltrated me then and now are the ignorant Clayponds Warden am’s death would close a very ugly 12 years Iraq suffered under these amongst the community. Whole ones, including some Iraqis who chapter in Iraq’s long history. They sanctions with an estimated 500,000 families would be tortured and now see him as a martyr, the only So, hands up if you’ve heard of Clay- hoped that ending his life would children dying as a direct result of murdered if they opposed. Thou- true opposition to the US. Even in ponds? No, thought not – you must ease sectarian violence and decel- the sanctions. Finally, following the sands of civilians were condemned death he was able to manipulate be an undergrad. Well, it’s the main erate the chaos that has consumed attacks of 9/11 the USA and Britain as he spread his influence. As an matters. I am now left with the ob- postgraduate halls at Imperial. Not Iraq for so many years. Instead it (without UN backing) invaded Iraq Iraqi Kurd his execution was sup- scure feeling of injustice. It was too only are we mainly postgrad, we has strengthened the hatred be- in 2003. Then on 9th December 2003 posed to bring some relief to me. So easy. After so many years of suf- are also “outlying”; meaning we tween the Iraqis and further divid- he was captured by US forces, found many years we Iraqis just dreamed fering and worrying this man was need to use the tube to get to Col- ed the Muslim world. His death has in an underground bunker near his of an Iraq without Saddam. We wiped off within a matter of 2 years. lege everyday. At this point you’re turned a tyrant into somewhat of a home town Tikirit. prayed that his tyrannic rule would His trial and execution have left a thinking - right, enough of that, next martyr in the eyes of some. I, and so The trial of Saddam Hussein be- bitter taste. The fall of Saddam was page. But, if you can manage an- many like me, have been left with gan in June 2004. He was initially bizarre, his trial was a circus act other 3 minutes, I’ll try and explain the burning question- How? tried for the murder of 148 Shias There is little and his death was surreal. Once he why some of us actually like it out There is little doubt that the ty- of the town of Dujail in 1982. In No- was sentenced to death it left us lit- here and that Zone 1 isn’t the be all rant that was Saddam Hussein de- vember 2006 he was found guilty doubt that the tle chance to reflect before he was and end all of London. served death. This man had terror- of these crimes and sentenced to executed. By ending his life they We’re not all lazy-arse PhD stu- ised, tortured and killed thousands death along with 2 other defend- tyrant that was have in fact increased the woes of dents here, (sorry, correction, of people, including his own. Let ants, his half-brother and the head the Iraqis. There is no longer a hate your hard working, downtrodden us start with a brief history. Born of the Iraqi court in 1982. His ex- Saddam Hussein figure, so what is left? Civil war is demonstrators). Its about 3/5 MSc on 28th April 1937 in a village 13km ecution was ironically carried out on the cards and it has been the students with a smattering of lat- from Tikirit, Saddam Hussein Abd at Camp Justice. The day chosen deserved death case ever since 2003. ter year undergrads too, to add to al-Majid al-Tikriti came from a poor was the 1st day of Eid-al-Adha, one Much of what has gone wrong in the PhDs. Clayponds was not built background. He was an average of the holiest days on the Islamic end. It appeared that Saddam was Iraq is a direct result of foreign in- as a hall of residence, but for real person who never knew his father, calendar. This inflamed the entire untouchable and that we may never fluence, which I have no wish to go working people, so is a mix of mod- and apparently was mistreated by Muslim world and many were unit- live to see his rule ended and for Iraq into presently. However, there is no ern houses and flats. There are 330 his stepfather. He later went on to ed in condemning the Iraqi govern- to be liberated. However, it was the doubt what legacy Mr Blair and Mr residents here, but no more than study law in Baghdad, but never ment in their handling of his execu- manner of his demise, at the hands Bush have left themselves. They four share a kitchen, bathroom and completed his studies. Instead he tion. However, there appears to be of the very people who had placed invaded Iraq in 2003 with the false front door. We are surrounded on joined the nationalist Baath party no coincidence in their actions. So him in power. It was the shameful pretence that they were liberating two sides by a graveyard, and on in 1957, which was soon involved in many factors went wrong, from the and humiliating invasion and occu- a nation and spreading democracy. a third side a geriatric/rehabilita- the (US backed) attempted assassi- date of his execution to the man- pation of Iraq by the US and British They removed a tyrant and replaced tion hospital – it’s quiet most for nation of General Qassim. He then ner in which it was carried out. It forces. It was the many lies told by him with a puppet government. The time, and the neighbours never fled to Egypt, where it is believed he was almost as if someone wanted to the world leaders and the silence world is united in their condemna- complain about the noise. We’re in got his CIA training, and returned maximise the effect his execution of many others. I was disgusted to tion of the US and Britain. The situ- South Ealing, six stops on the Pic- to Iraq in 1964 and was subsequent- had. Why was he tried for only one see a report from BBC news which ation in the Middle East has wors- cadilly line from South Ken, if that ly imprisoned. The Baath party of the many crimes he had com- described Saddam as the leader of ened immeasurably, and has now helps. Right next door is Gunners- then successfully assumed control mitted? What about Halabja? What the Sunni world. To call that misin- become the true legacy for Blair bury Park, not quite as big as Hyde of Iraq in 1968 following a coup. To about Iran? What about Kuwait? formation would be lying. There is and Bush. How can a tyrant become Park, but has a stack of facilities, in- cut a long story short, Saddam Hus- What about all the untold murders no doubt that a very small minority a martyr? That question will haunt cluding a pitch and putt golf course, sein quickly and ruthlessly rose to committed against civilians? No of Sunnis supported him, as is the us for all time. boating lake, cricket square, mu- power before becoming leader of seum, not to mention 20+ football the country in 1979. and rugby pitches. That means we Following his rise to presidency play our inter-hall football games Saddam moved to consolidate his on proper pitches, with full-sized power by holding a meeting in goals, painted lines and everything. which he accused several party It seems to help, so far this season, members of treason. These mem- P7 W7 GD +28. I can’t complain. bers were then immediately arrest- Beyond sport, the pub local, the ed and many executed soon after. Ealing Park Tavern isn’t a bad start. The meeting itself was videotaped However, since Time Out found it and has been viewed by many Ira- and got into the habit of gushing qis, and is a chilling reminder of over it every week, it’s been hard Saddam’s bloodthirsty nature. to get a seat. Ealing Broadway, Just over a year after he came into Kew and Richmond are all close, power he invaded Iran after many all good drinking centres. Watching years of hostility between the two the river ebb and flow from a water countries. Iraq was plunged into front pub isn’t a bad waste of an af- an 8 year war that saw both sides ternoon. In a few pubs near Kew, lose at least 1 million lives. The war your bench can be totally cut off by eventually ended in a stalemate, the high tide; leaving you little more with both countries in financial dif- to do than have another drink until ficulties and their infrastructures the towpath dries out. Clubbing destroyed. Then on 16th March 1988 is a little more specialised in the Saddam used chemical weapons on suburbs, but there is something for his own people to bomb Halabja, everyone, the Boulevard and Red a Kurdish town north of Baghdad. Back seem popular with the resi- The attack killed thousands and dents… I say no more. Hall parties left many thousands more severely are always popular, not sure if it’s disabled. The war crimes commit- the free bar or the company, but the ted by Saddam were mounting high results are invariably the same, see already. Barely 2 years passed be- the gallery at www.clayponds.org fore he went on to invade Kuwait for details. I guess the term-time in order to strengthen his grip on events here aren’t all that different the Arab region. The US (backed to any other hall, but Clayponds re- by the UN council) responded and ally comes into it’s own in the sum- so began the Gulf War. An upris- mer, when most undergrads are off ing against Saddam followed, with repaying their overdrafts. Volley- the US promising their support to ball or Croquet on the lawn accom- try and overthrow the Iraqi leader. panied by the ubiquitous barbeque However, the US forces shame- and Pimm’s almost makes the fully walked away and the upris- Saddam Hussein in 1998 as President of Iraq (left) and after his capture by US troops (right) place seem civilised. ONLY BY EXPERIENCED STYLISTS NOW 10% DISCOUNT £26 ..... LADIES ON ALL COLOURING £20 ..... MEN SERVICES Normal Price £48 CASH ONLY ‘Still the best student offer in South Kensington!’ 15a Harrington Road South Kensington London SW7 3ES (1 Minute walk from

South Kensington Tube) Telephone 020 7823 8968 www.freshhairdressers.co.uk unionpage Election time again!

We may only be fi ve months into this academic year The Deputy President (Clubs and Societies) is the The President is ultimately but already attention is being turned to who will defacto chief of all 300 Imperial College Unionʼs clubs responsible for everything lead the Union next year. and societies. This is a bit like herding 300 Siamese listed above, and more. cats and can be frustrating at times. Aside from In particular, he or she is Nominations for Imperial College Unionʼs Sabbatical day-to-day management, he or she is responsible responsible for staffi ng, Offi cer elections will open on January 30th. But why for designing and implementing club policy and governance and high level should you be interested in running for one of these delivering projects, such as recent improvements to representation. This job is positions? the website, that make life a lot easier for club chairs not for the faint hearted and and club members. This is a real “grass roots” role considerable leadership John Collins Students stand for Sabbatical Offi cer for a variety that involves a lot of interaction with club chairs experience and a resilient President of reasons; most want to give something back to and members. ego are highly desirable. [email protected] the Union that has served them so well during their The holder of this offi ce can time here as a student, others want to achieve The Deputy President (Education and Welfare) is expect to go head-to-head against the Rector, the positive change in their Union and help it serve its responsible for co-ordinating internal and external government and, unavoidably, other senior Union members better, and some want the experience of representation by managing all of Imperial College offi cers. The President gets blamed for everything managing an organisation. There are, of course, CV Unionʼs academic and welfare representatives. He that goes wrong in the Union and occasionally gets points at stake and there is no doubt that taking or she is responsible for developing internal and blamed for things that happen outside the Union on so much responsibility at such a young age is a external relations and co-ordinating academic and are completely beyond his or her control. There great experience. and welfare campaigns. There is also a casework are, of course, serious perks to this job and I must element to this role and it is important that caring admit I enjoy the kick of being in charge of an Elections for fi ve Sabbatical Roles (President, most and sympathetic people are elected to this post. organisation and interacting with interesting and of the Deputy Presidents and the Felix Editor) Next year the holder of this offi ce can expect to play infl uential people. Aside from running the Studentsʼ will take place this term. Elections for the Deputy a high profi le role in the NUS, which promises to be Union, The President is also a governor of Imperial President (Graduate Students) role will take place in an exciting and entertaining project. College, which in itself is an important and very the summer term. interesting role. Most people who have held this post The Deputy President (Finance and Services) is rarely enter into mainstream graduate jobs and it What are these roles like? Well, I can really only speak responsible for overseeing the business aspects should be considered one of the best management for mine (President) and in good time I am sure the of the Union, namely our bars, shops and catering fast-track graduate schemes in town. other Sabbatical Offi cers will provide you with their outlets. He or she is also responsible for all fi nances insights. For the time being, I have produced the of the Union and can expect to approve hundreds If you are interested in standing for any of these following summary: of events and tour budgets throughout the year. roles then please do not hesitate to contact the In theory the holder of this position is responsible sabbatical offi cers. The Felix Editor is responsible for ensuring that for a turnout in excess of £5.5 million pounds. If we all get an entertaining and informative edition ICU is lucky and wins approval from the College to of Felix on a weekly basis during term time. As move forward with the next phase of the building anybody who has ever worked for a newspaper will masterplan, then this turnout can expect to rise tell you, this is no mean feat! That said the rewards to nearer £9 million pounds. Anybody interested are generous, and many past Felix Editors have in a career in fi nance or business should seriously found their way into the murky world of media and consider applying for what is clearly one of the best done extremely well for themselves. graduate fi nance jobs in the market.

Centenary Launch Event Tuesday 30th January, Beit Quadrangle

The Imperial College Big Band.

Juggling and skating teams performing.

IC Radio broadcasting live!

Ride Bo’ and Jez, our mascot vehicles. Centenary Balloon Race Competition Queens Tower tours. We will be running a Centenary Balloon Race and each of the 500 balloons we plan to release at 1pm Prizes include: Centenary Balloon Race. An all expense paid trip for two to Paris! Two iPod Nanos Centenary Cake will be cut. £50 Primark vouchers Wine and chocolates Winter Pimms, Hotpot & Tea served. Special edition Centenary Mugs and much more...

Imperial College Union, Beit Quadrangle, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB imperialcollegeunion.org Tel: 020 7594 8060 10 felix Friday 26 January 2007

SCIENCE [email protected] Chemical warfare – biobricking it As developments in synthetic biology advance, should we concern ourselves with potential bioterrorism?

Krystyna Larkham Science Editor

“Synthetic biology is like genetic engineering on steroids,” says Dr Doreen Stabinsky of Greenpeace International. Although the first in- ternational conference on synthetic biology occurred as recently as 2005, the field has already attracted a lot of outside attention. Synthetic biologists talk of the advantages their discipline promises to bring. Greenpeace and others worry that the science is too dangerous. The future of synthetic biology rests on whether the public decides that the benefits outweigh the costs. And the battle for the public’s hearts and minds has already begun. At the heart of synthetic biology are ‘biobricks’. Each biobrick reli- ably performs a function, be it as a generator, a terminator, or any- thing in between. By connecting a number of these biobricks together, and inserting them into the genome of living cells, synthetic biologists can produce an organism that car- ries out a specific function. The potential applications are numer- ous: living organisms designed to produce medicines cheaply, manu- facture biofuels, even dispose of un- wanted industrial waste. That’s the theory, anyway: until recently synthetic biology was con- fined largely to the page. That has now changed. In November last year, synthetic biologists, includ- ing a team from Imperial, met in Boston to mark the culmination of An H5N1 influenza carrier – not so cute after all. However, can biobricks help prevent this guy from slaughter and the next global pandemic? iGEM 2006, an international syn- thetic biology competition. “The big thing that happened [in Boston] were the results of just a few weeks’ the 1918 ‘flu virus from its DNA. Re- cern is that bioterrorists might Biology 2.0’) was set aside to debate was that the central question, ‘can work over the summer holiday. This search using the reconstructed vi- also desire to construct deadly ethics. The result was the adop- you build biological systems from highlights one of the major advan- rus will inform any strategy to fight pathogens along the lines of Span- tion of a code of self-governance to standard parts?’ got a resounding tages of the new science. Little avian ‘flu. The latest promising re- ish ‘flu. Synthetic biology could guard against malpractice, similar ‘yes’,” says James Brown, a syn- expertise is needed to produce so- sults were published in Nature last provide them with the means to do to that adopted by the pioneering thetic biology PhD student at the phisticated systems. Biobricks are week. Ultimately, millions could be so, without the need for specialist genetic engineers in the 1970s. University of Cambridge and an glorified Lego blocks. The manner saved from the effects of a global knowledge. “It’s a very open science. We’re ambassador for iGEM. “The fact in which each biobrick work is un- ‘flu pandemic, but at the cost of “Synthetic biologists do scare trying to steer clear of any images that stuff works now is a really big important; the researcher needs resurrecting one of the most lethal people,” James Brown admits. “We of ‘mad scientists’ creeping around deal,” he continues. only to stick them together. This is viruses on record. And, as Jamie should be willing to talk about that in a cave, to avoid attack by jour- Many of the competing teams had plug-and-play science. Shreeve commented in the New and stand up and be responsible.” nalists,” says Matthieu Bultelle, a advanced beyond the theoretical But it is precisely this advantage York Times last year, “The wonder, And to their credit, this is exactly member of Imperial’s iGEM team. stage and succeeded in producing that is the cause of so much con- and for some the fear, is that they what the synthetic biologists are do- But is this self-regulation enough? practical working models. Most im- cern elsewhere. In 2005, synthetic could [resurrect the virus] with so ing. An entire day of a recent seven- Some are not so sure: a host of or- pressively, those working models biologists managed to reconstruct little effort or expense.” The con- ty-two hour conference (‘Synthetic ganisations, including Greenpeace, tried to discourage scientists from signing the self-governance docu- ment (which, in any case, is a vol- untary code) arguing that what is needed is official regulation by na- tional government. They worry that scientists acting alone will be un- able to regulate such a potentially sensitive field. The debate continues. A recent report by the Sloan Foundation is the latest to address synthetic biol- ogy. Interestingly, the Sloan Report was commissioned by the scientists themselves rather than by worried campaign groups. Evidently the synthetic biologists are not pre- pared to surrender the PR initia- tive just yet. Instead they are steel- ing themselves for the moment that synthetic biology registers on the public radar. It is the response that the sci- ence receives in the wider commu- nity which will determine its future. And, according to James Brown, the scientists are ready for the fight: “We want public debate. We want the world to know about this because it’s so important. I genu- inely believe synthetic biology is Greenpeace activists, possibly campaigning against the dangers of synthetic biology going to have a big impact.” Friday 26 January 2007 felix 11

FASHION [email protected] Challenging political correctness Sarah Skeete remembers Helmut Newton, fashion's most controversial and sadly deceased photographer

Helmut Newton's innovative photog- raphy confronted social taboos and explored sexual dynamics, chang- ing the face of fashion photography. Newton was born in Berlin in 1920 to a wealthy Jewish family. He was sensitive as a child, prone to faint- ing spells, and he often felt emascu- lated by his mother's insistence on dressing him in effeminate velvet suits. He grew up around luxury, often holidaying in exclusive Euro- pean spas, though his brother often took him on day trips to the seedier parts of Berlin. By 1938 Newton was working on underwear catalogues, "The happiest days of my youth in Berlin". Helmut saw his mother as a "tow- er of strength", and it was with her help that he fled from the Nazis in 1938 to Singapore. There he worked as a photojournalist, as well as spending a year as a gigolo for an older woman. In the early 1940s he moved to Australia, where he met his wife June. Although he enjoyed living in started taking the photographs shows a model standing with her Australia, he found there was a lack which would create a new genre of hips thrust forward, wearing only a of inspiration, and in 1957 moved fashion photography. His new pho- leg cast and neck brace, and hold- to London. However he found this tographs were raw and unapolo- ing a cane. Feminists found this "equally sterile and unproductive." getically, aggressively sexual. Many offensive, arguing that it shows He found the environmental stim- were inspired by his work, not only that Newton feels women should uli he needed in Paris, moving there in photography but also cinema. be vulnerable, and are the weaker in the late 1950s. Newton comment- Many violent film noirs cited New- sex. However it could also be inter- ed, "The moment I hit Paris I knew ton as inspiration, although he him- preted as admiration of how strong it was for living and taking photo- self defended his fashion photogra- women can overcome adversity. graphs. The life was in the streets, phy as erotic rather than violent. The woman is weakened by the cast in cafes, restaurants. Beautiful Many feminists dispute this claim, and brace, but she stands strongly. indeed a critique of consumerism in kneeling on a bed. Like many of his women seemed to be everywhere." and see Helmut and his work as Indeed in his fashion shoots Helmut general. Another signature of New- photos, he seems to be mocking the It was after suffering a major blatant misogyny. favoured athletically built women, ton's photos is that there is never fashion industry, highlighting the heart attack in 1971 that Helmut His photo "Pension Dorian", telling Vogue's fashion editor "Don't any eye-contact between groups of discomfort women endure for fash- send me any of your scrawny under- women. You can see echoes of this ion. Newton's photo's can easily be nourished models". A contrast with in recent advertisements by Dolce seen as misogynistic, however if you many fashion advertisements and & Gabbana; like in Helmut's photos, look closer Newton's photos show a editorials today, and also during the the men do not make eye contact more complex truth. While his im- heroin chic period, which favoured with each other. They all compete ages are shocking, perhaps rather malnourished passive 13-year-olds against each other, not daring to than being an illustration of his staring blankly at the camera. It acknowledge that anyone is more opinion on where women should be can also be seen as a critique of attractive than themselves. in society, he is exposing the place fashion, how women hurt them- One of Newton's most controver- society encourages women to be. selves in their pursuit of fashion, or sial images is of the saddled woman In Europe his photos were gen- erally uncensored by magazines, whilst American Vogue only pub- lished the least risqué of his pho- tographs. Newton commented that "the term 'political correctness' has always appalled me, reminding me of Orwell's 'thought police' and fascist regimes." Helmut's photo- graphs hold a mirror up to society, and though his photographs, with overtones of sadomasochism, are politically incorrect, provocative media is needed for society to ex- amine itself. 12 felix Friday 26 January 2007

FILM fi [email protected] FLIM Brittania will rule, OK? Oscar nominations are out and rumours abound, but the results are anyone’s guess

Film Editor Judi Dench, and Kate Winslet con- Forest Whitaker appears to be a in Best Actress. This year appears tending for the Best Actress catego- dead cert for Best Actor this year, torn in several directions. As al- This last year has been a fairly ry, along with the venerated Meryl although this could be upset by ways, this is all just guesswork, and good one for film, not stellar, but Streep. Helen Mirren is clearly the Helen Mirren’s similar type of role uncertainty reigns supreme. quite good. We’ve seen some life favourite, especially after her Gold- breathed back into the Bond series, en Globes sweep. Peter O’Toole and an abundance of good fantasy also receives a nomination for Best and drama such as Pan’s Laby- Actor, possibly as a reaction to the rinth, Tideland, and Babel. lifetime achievement award that he The awards ceremonies have so was given a few years ago to which far reflected this, and have already he responded: “But I’m still a work- rewarded some genuinely good ing actor...” films. However, we still have the Babel, Dreamgirls, Pan’s Laby- main event still to come. rinth, and The Queen are all up The Oscars: a time where the en- for multiple nominations, some tire film industry decides what re- of which are well-earned, and the She prods buttock in a furry helmet flects their best efforts of the past legend that has become An Incon- year. The Oscars are always a re- venient Truth is almost certainly minder of everything that is both poised for recognition. It’s time for the annual trip to Os- hated and loved about the great The Best Director category is carsville. While politics and popular- Hollywood dream. probably the least predicatable ity competitions sometimes render This year is no different. A quick category this year, with Alejan- the awards defunct, this year there glance at the nominations list to dro González Iñárritu, Stephen are some genuinely good actors up your right, and you will see samey Frears and Martin Scorsese for accolades this year. and predictable choices nestling neck-and-neck. Sadly we have no prizes for you beside some interesting selections. Following the trend for biographi- this week, but feel free to guess the This year sees the grand institu- cally realistic portrayals in recent character/film combination anyway. tion of British drama given several years, after Phillip Seymour Hoff- You may well win my respect. nominations, with Helen Mirren, man won Best Actor for Capote, Hot Tip: Forest Whitaker for Best Actor in The Last King Of Scotland

The Fountain: Unhealthy obsessions with eternal life

ostensibly about the same charac- whole story, and since the screen- The Fountain ters, flitting from one to another play was rewritten to accommodate and leaving gaps in each story. The a massive cut in budget it’s a fair Director: Darren Aronofsky future segment, particularly, omits bet that we really aren’t. Writer: Darren Aronofsvky, Ari Handel more than it contains - at no point is Though if you can cope with the Cast: Hugh Jackman, it clear how this man got where he confusing storyline (which is hardly Rachel Weisz is, who he is and how he knows to do any more complex than the aver- what he is doing. Of all the aspects age Lynch offering) and lamentable of the film, this is the most irksome, lack of funding, it really is a spec- Some films seem destined never to since the other two narratives hold tacular work - the special effects be completed. Famously, a whole together very well, and the links be- were realised by filming chemical film came from Terry Gilliam’s in- tween all three are sound. reactions on petri dishes rather ability to complete The Man Who These stories themselves, un- than through CGI, in a very suc- Killed Don Quixote, but most are derneath the stylistic trappings, cessful attempt to lend it a timeless simply never heard of again. A few concern themselves with the quest and organic air. The result is noth- years back, a project that seemed for eternal life, in some form or an- ing less than magnificent, and the to be headed that way was The Last other; a conquistador searching for denouement is visually breathtak- Man, an epic with a suitably epic the tree of life in Central America, ing. The music, too, is impeccable budget helmed by Darren Aronof- a doctor searching for a cure for - Aronofsky’s long-time collabora- sky, director of Pi and Requiem for his wife’s cancer, and a chap travel- tor, Clint Mansell again provides a Dream, both of which were suit- ling in a bubble toward a dying star the score, performed by the Kronos ably fresh in the studio’s minds to which will grant him and his tree Quartet (who worked on Requiem impress them into shelling out a eternal life together. Or something. for a Dream, also) and Mogwai great deal on his epoch-spanning Profound and beautiful as it all un- (who didn’t), without the electronic work about eternal life. doubtedly is, there is very little in edge he brought to Pi and Requiem, However, then things started to the way of explanation for the fu- similarly striving to be timeless and fall apart - the lead actor left due ture segment; since the lead char- organic in feel. As such, both the to creative differences, the studio acter in each era is played by Hugh music and the cinematography are pulled out and there was talk of Ar- Jackman - played very well, I might ultimately successful in their goals, onofsky adapting Batman, Watch- add - it is unclear as to whether he and very satisfying to boot. men and Cat’s Cradle. Years later, is meant to be the same character It’s just the stuff holding them to- however, he managed to complete as in the present, or whether he is gether that doesn’t quite work. a scaled-back version, titled: ‘The just another reincarnation of the Fountain’, for less than half the conquistador. It’s hard to shake the Hugh Mansfield original cost of the aborted version. feeling that we aren’t being told the Ever-Present Whinger Unfortunately, it really does show; with the exception of one location, every scene is noticeably studio-based. It becomes difficult to suspend disbelief when it’s clear that everything has been shot in the same building, be it a labora- tory, a Mayan temple, a bubble floating through space, a jungle, or a curiously one-sided street. It feels more like a television drama than a proper film, as such. Only twice do we even see brief fragments of jour- neys between one place and anoth- er, lending the work a fragmented, disjointed feel. It doesn’t help matters that the story consists of three narratives in the past, present and future, Hugh Jackman: Conquistador, doctor, and futurstic bubble-naut Friday 26 January 2007 felix 13

FILM fi [email protected] Oscar nominations announced It’s that time of year again. The 79th Academy Awards nominations: The same old predictable surprises

Best Motion picture of the year: Babel The Departed Letters from Iwo Jima Little Miss Sunshine The Queen Performance by an Actor in a leading role: Leonardo DiCaprio - Blood Diamond Ryan Gosling - Half Nelson Peter O’Toole - Venus Will Smith - The Pursuit of Happyness Forest Whitaker - The Last King of Scotland

Performance by an Actress in a leading role: Penélope Cruz - Volver Judi Dench - Notes on a Scandal Helen Mirren - The Queen Meryl Streep - The Devil Wears Prada Kate Winslet - Little Children

Performance by an Actor in a supporting role: Alan Arkin - Little Miss Sunshine Jackie Earle Haley - Little Children Djimon Hounsou - Blood Diamond Eddie Murphy - Dreamgirls Mark Wahlberg - The Departed Performance by an Actress in a supporting role: Adriana Barraza - Babel Cate Blanchett - Notes on a Scandal Abigail Breslin - Little Miss Sunshine Jennifer Hudson - Dreamgirls Rinko Kikuchi - Babel Achievement in Directing: Alejandro González Iñárritu - Babel Martin Scorsese - The Departed Clint Eastwood - Letters from Iwo Jima Stephen Frears - The Queen Paul Greengrass - United 93 Best Animated feature film of the year: Cars Happy Feet Monster House Best Documentary feature: Deliver Us from Evil An Inconvenient Truth Iraq in Fragments Jesus Camp My Country, My Country

Films with the most nominations: Dreamgirls - 8 nominations Babel - 7 nominations Pan’s Labyrinth - 6 nominations The Queen - 6 nominations Blood Diamond - 5 nominations The Departed - 5 nominations

Peter O’Toole: The man, the legend. Adored by women, envied and Top to Bottom: Helen Mirren up for a well-deserved nomination in The Queen; Babel, starring Brad Pitt, worshipped by men. His chin alone makes me quiver is up for 7 nominations including best picture; Eddie Murphy nominated for his role in Dreamgirls centrefold Felix Email us at [email protected]. Tina “Oh, I fell” Mulani, third year “Oh, Tina aeronautical physicist for the Pose

Photo by Emerson Vigoureux 16 felix Friday 26 January 2007 eviews RMUSIC [email protected] Perk of peeing in sink: it’s hands free Nonsensical title leading the way in music journalism, you saw it here first, kids

album review and their main influences are quite live review space. As their set began, the lead evidently from the well established singer sprang into life with an un- metal community of Scandinavia. nerving ferocity, eyes glazed like a The title OM is a pun on the Roma- lunatic, whilst the talented instru- nian word for man and the sacred mentalists let rip with the kind of eastern symbol, Aum. A similar Darkest Hour robotic precision that made one disparity of message exists on this Carling Academy Islington wonder whether they were actu- record, where much the guitars can ally watching some kind of ornate be considered pretty stripped-down mechanism. Forgetting the fantas- in that gritty and unabashedly true I knew it was going to be difficult re- tic show that they were putting on, Matty Hoban black metal way; but with higher viewing a gig from a Carling venue one could easily think that these Negura Bunget production values for just about following the last Deftones album guys had day jobs in accountancy. Music Editor OM everything else. The vocals tending (coincidently they’re playing Brix- And then their set finished, pain- (code666 records) towards growled chanting, a la Nile, ton Academy in April). I arrived just fully short for my liking. A short ★★★★✩ interspersed by epic passages with in time for the ominously titled Mis- time passed while the awe faded, ood riddance to clean singing and pseudo-classical ery Signals set. In fact, they were and Darkest Hour spilled out 2006! It really, re- In conjunction with the recent ad- instrumentals. better than a lot things I have seen, onto the stage, more like a ragtag ally sucked for music ditions to the EU, I thought review- The result is a refreshingly cos- even if from where I was standing bunch of random blokes pulled of and don’t try argu- ing an album from Romania would mopolitan mixture, which is also they were playing pretty straight- the street then the campy gothic ing with me on this. make some sense. Few people the hitch to an extent as the result- up, run-of-the-mill ‘hXc’, complete nonsense of Atreyu and their ilk. GAfter looking at the inevitable reading this would have known for ing mixture can sound a little bit with idiotic hardcore dancing in the They then proceeded to belt out end-of-year-best-of-compilation- instance that Bucharest has a bur- disjointed in places. Fortunately, pit. an intense string of powerful songs column-fodders, I can’t believe I geoning hip-hop scene, or heard Negura’s aspirations have more or Minor entertainments aside, I with virtually no let-up, easily grab- didn’t give up on music last year. any music in the language beyond less paid off with this album, which overcame my typically antisocial bing the audience attention, even if It was a year where noise and the infamous Numa Numa song! sees the band moving towards the ways to chat with a few Imperial they were a little too reminiscent free-folk gained more ground in This only makes it more difficult ex- kind of avant-garde metal postu- people. Like most people in the of Slaughter of the Soul era At the people’s record collections – I, for plaining that Negura Bunget is an lated by bands like Enslaved. Thus audience, they’d come mainly to Gates for me. Ostensibly a ‘metal- one, enjoyed Raccoo-oo-oon’s Is extreme metal band from, wait for I feel that this is a very promising see the second act, tech-metallers core’ show, though one at least that Night People amongst a few other it, the dark and mysterious moun- effort overall, though one with an Between the Buried and Me (the showed the true variety of some of gems. However, the sheer amount tains of Transylvania! To be honest unquestionably been there, done name in fact is taken from a song the more underground, and dare I of noise bands both reinforced a though, there isn’t much intrinsical- that feel to it. by Counting Crowes), or BTBAM say it under-rated bands. DIY aesthetic and made most of ly Transylvanian in this band at all, Alex McKitrick as I shall refer to them for sake of Alex McKitrick the ideas of noise redundant. The more sparse and ambient experi- ments in noise caught my atten- tion by way of My Cat Is An Alien; recent discovery called Tiger Piss delighted and intrigued me in Remember to wash your hands after equal measure. Free-folk and folk-inspired things did interest me with the single review Watch out for his eagerly antici- talking about; ‘THE KING’ left his land’s Hootenanny and was tipped emergence of James Blackshaw pated LP, Overtones, his music will signature on Pac’s Life. Ashanti to be the hottest thing for 2007. The and the plaintive Hush Arbors. I Just Jack be a great part of the new sounds adds a soulful pitch to the track so predictions on that show seem al- think 2006 was a year for the in- Starz In Their Eyes of 2007. we can say a big thank you to her ways to be right, so start saving for crease in the role of DIY; various (Universal) Afet Mehmet for salvaging the song. It’s a nice the album, Life In A Cartoon Mo- promoters gained more momen- ★★★★★ single but nothing exciting. tion which will be released soon. I tum. With the major labels trying Folake Adegbohun guess you can say Mika Penni-man, to save face through signing any- single review he will be no more as he is set for a thing with guitars in and increas- Every now and then, there shines a successful year. ing their presence on the internet little glimmer of hope in the world 2pac feat. Ashanti and T.I. single review Afet Mehmet (yet not changing their business of music and individuality reintro- Pac’s Life plan), hopefully more power will duces itself and pokes us in the (Interscope) Mika be given back to listeners. We ears. Why is this song this great? ★★★✩✩ Grace Kelly single review need a fucking revolution, we need Well, because honestly, you cannot (Island) something akin to 1976! compare it to any other song. The ★★★★✩ Lady Sovereign There were a few gems last year difficultly now-a-days in producing Another track from ‘Pac. Will this Love Me or Hate Me that kept me going: Styne Vallis by totally new sounds can be seen by ‘icon’ ever rest in peace? Every (Def Jam) Reigns (West Country electronica how many re-releases, own rendi- time he releases a new single I This song I describe as the ‘happy, ★★★★✩ with live instruments with, yes, tions and no-effort songs are con- assume his death is just a public- happy, happy song’, just due to the tunes); This Ain’t A Hate Thing, tinually released. So on rare occa- ity stunt. Between Biggie and ‘Pac high notes singer, Mika Penniman, It’s A Love Thing by Lords (fan- sions when a song such as this is I do not know who is worse. Well reaches in it and the rainbows he is Ah! Would we say refreshing? May- tastic blues riffs by way of Captain produced, it’s only appropriate to do you really want to know about lyrically painting. There is a cheer- be! Newly signed Def Jam-new- Beefheart with off-kilter time and get a bit excited, right? ‘Pac’s Life? No, I am more inter- ful piano melody with a sort-of bie Lady Sovereign also known as structure); I Am Not Afraid Of You Just Jack comprises of North- ested in how I am going to survive marching beat and the song can be Lady ‘SOV’ drops her crazy grimy And I Will Beat Your Ass by Yo La Londoner Jack (obviously) Allsopp one more year in IC thank you very described as power-pop. London accent on some mad beats. Tengo (awful title, brilliant return (you might have not known his sur- much. This track doesn’t really tell The first time I was introduced This track would definitely get you to form); Ys by Joanna Newsom (if name) and his genre of music is a us more than we already know nei- to Mika’s music was at a gig re- on the dance floor, it begins with you are not put off by her voice – I bit of pop, a bit of house, and a pinch ther; is it going to make me rush to cently and he was definitely the a very techno super Mario theme was at first – then you will appre- of hip-hop with garage roots. Starz the cash machine and withdraw my liveliest act there easily. He was beat that just gets you crazy and ciate magic happening). In Their Eyes is his second release £5 to purchase his overpriced sin- introduced as being vocally compa- her voice is truly unique and I have One last thing. I recommend with a strong up-beat composed of gle at HMV? Yes, I am a hater, I am rable to Freddie Mercury but what not began to explain the remix fea- you come along to the Union (dB’s drums and what I’m guessing to be living and I ain’t making no paper. I think they missed out is a vocal turing Missy Elliot. The remix defi- more specifically) on Saturday the banjo. The song comprises of a I am still that poor, broke student tint of Justin Hawkins (The Dark- nitely lives up the myth that remix- 27th January at 8pm (tomorrow) good bassline and is a dance-along waiting for that fabulous IB job. ness) and the musical style of Jake es are way better than the original. for a night of sumptuous music in tune. Not only does Just Jack unite Pac’s Life is a zingy but chilled Shears (Scissor Sisters), because Missy drops some fantastic vocals the way of the Kids Will Be Skel- his diverse music tastes in this song club track. Certainly a club topper, I can really hear the similarities in her usual style most of it doesn’t etons club-night. Restlesslist will but also provides lyrically genius by but with poor lyrics; no one cares between their music. I had to dock make sense but then we all love a be headlining and they make in- describing – poetically – the lives of anymore about Pac’s trials and the one star because the debut single, Missy Elliot production. Although die-alt-hip-hop and feature mem- ordinary people changing into ce- tribulations of his hip-hop stardom Relax, Take It Easy was just that this single is definitely jamming, bers of The Brakes and Electric lebrities to find out the ‘dream’ life instead they should have scrapped little bit better. Lady Sov is certainly of an acquired Soft Parade. There are two more is not as pleasant as they always all the Pac bits and left T.I. on the Mika was also on Jools Holland’s taste especially if you like different. bands and it costs just £4 for stu- thought. whole track, now that’s what I’m annual New Year show, Jools Hol- Folake Adegbohun dents; this is cheap, believe me.

18 felix Friday 26 January 2007

NIGHTLIFE [email protected] Welcome Reach for the LaZers. Ferry back Corsten hits Turnmills ‘dudes’ Felix goes armed with a healthy supply of glowsticks and, of course, plenty of water to check out the Dutch Trance master spinning the decks for a thumping four hour set

Ferry Corsten + Guests Turnmills Friday 19 January ★★★★✩

I’m on a mission, Let me take you back and forth, I got a jam that’s gonna make you scream for more. From New York London to Gregory Mead Amsterdam, Let’s rock, I wanna rock your body Nightlife Editor Rock!

ello! Welcome to a Singing along to this epic tune, heart wonderful new term pumping, hand-swaying in the air of hard revision, along with other happy people, I ex- exams and stress. perienced true happiness last Fri- Fear not though, for day when the Gallery in Turnmills HNightlife has returned. You may witnessed one of the demi-gods in have noticed a lack of things noc- Trance, Ferry Corsten, DJ and pro- turnally related in the last two ducer, spinning a four-hour set sup- issues of Felix, this is due to two ported by Spanish superstar Abel things. Ramos, and the Gallery resident Firstly, we don’t have enough re- Gavyn Mytchell. viewers! We need you lovely peo- Harry Brown (who?) gave his Oh my god I can’t stop staring at those lasers. I want to hug them ple to go forth and party for the best prepping the dance floor from name of journalism (and so I can 1030pm to an audience who were very much called for encore. ric’s warehouse-like club) with Undeniably there are other DJs make a page without actually writ- politely disguising their disinterest The atmosphere in Turnmills was three small-ish main rooms and a spinning in the other rooms, with ing anything myself) - first years, but by 1am, around the time Fer- very friendly from the shades-wear- few ante-rooms in between, dotted Tristan Da Cuhna (BackToBasics), I’m looking at you. I know for a ry’s due on the decks, clubbers who ing, tank top clad gay guys to the glo- with lounge chairs. It has a very Dave Mills (Cool House) and Tania fact that you go out to clubs some came from all over the country from stick spinning hardcore shufflers: quaint ambience with a maze like von Pear (the Gallery) spinning in nights of the week, so why not do Wales to Nottingham started chant- everyone was smiling and seemed quality to it not for the claustropho- Room 2 and John Rundell, Dave it all for free? Some lucky review- ing for Ferry to take the decks and to be having the time of their lives bic. And if not for the state-of-the- Randall, James Kinetic and Ther- ers last year even got unlimited put this poor soul out of his misery. which can best be summed up from art sound system blasting thumped mobee DJing in Room 3. Good as bar tabs at the venues they were Ferry did not disappoint by spin- the track Beautiful: Everything is up tunes, few high and mighty rav- I’m sure they are, they’re no Ferry visiting - all for a simple 700 word ning one infectious track after an- beautiful, Let the music carry you, ers could make it back to the dance so to be perfectly honest I did not review! You can go anywhere you other mainly from his latest album Maybe i will follow you, forever!, floors. spend time outside of Room 1 at all, like, just email us to the address L.E.P (Loud, Electronic, Ferocious) Nowhere else I’d rather be, When Another thing worth mentioning is save for the occasional toilet break at the top of the page suggesting to the delight of the very ecstatic you’re lying next to me, Let the mu- the efficiency of how they work and to fill up my water bottle. where you’d like to check out. ravers. It was definitely loud, elec- sic carry us, together!.. the friendliness of the staff; bounc- We left the place at 7am, but even The second reason why there tronic and ferocious when he spun Everyone seemed to be in love ers and bartenders alike. They did the terrible rainy English weather was no Nightlife sections in the new tracks as well as updated ver- with everyone else while being ab- not gave us any trouble when one of could not dampen our satisfaction last two issues is that I have decid- sions of his earlier works like Junk solutely amazed in their trance-like my friends forgot to bring the credit after a night of trance by the great ed to make this page bi-monthly: and Beautiful and he kept the crowd state with the laser lights! Needless card with which she purchased her Dutch Trance master. With great firstly, I don’t have the time to de- going all night (or morning). to say the atmosphere on the dance tickets on-line, or when I asked for big names in the Trance genre fi- vote to making the page look nice I wanna make you feel like floor was purely euphoric. a replacement cloakroom ticket af- nally returning, I could not help but every week and secondly, it makes you’re on fire (the vocal tunes from The main room was full to capac- ter losing mine. feel that the clubbing scene in Lon- it more interesting because we the track Fire) and the world class ity, not really surprising as it is mi- The drink prices however, were don is finally looking up. Paul Van have more material to print! Any- DJ did just that to the delight of the niscule for a house-club standard. much to be desired being at the up- Dyk will be playing in two weeks’ way, that’s it for now. Officially the frenzied crowd. Few left the jam- For those of you who have never per end of the scale (£9 for a double time in Turnmills and I fully intend most boring editorial ever, so read packed dance floor until he wrapped been to Turnmills, it is a medium- shot!) and they seemed to run out to be there. the articles now. up his set at around 5am after a sized club (yes, smaller than Fab- of tequila before 2am. Syaza Md Taib The end of Trash club WWW.DIRTYDIRTYDANCING.COM

For the past ten years Trash has vans to arrest a large proportion of awesome. been hosting the coolest night- the queue only confirmed this. They opened the entire venue up spot for anybody who thinks they You might think from reading this for the final event, which was the are somebody in the ‘indie’ music that everyone was going to be a only time I’d seen it that way and scene. twat in the club, but it was in fact gave it a capacity of 850 fans. Eve- Being one of the most fashionable the complete opposite, the reason ryone was happy and I it seemed clubs in town means the girl on the all the scenester-coke head toss- everyone I bumped into I rec- door can pick and choose who en- ers were outside was because they ognised, which made for a great ters, and towards midnight at the were not getting let in. The Trash friendly atmosphere. The Arctic last ever Trash she really had her crew did an excellent job of only let- Monkeys even decided to turn up work cut out. It seemed that half ting true music fans in for the final at one point, and I must say, they the entire population of London night, and made absolutely sure do not look good on the dance floor, wanted to be there, the queue work- they didn’t overcrowd the place, they dance like retards. Apparently ing its way round the block and fur- which resulted in what I believe I also met one of the guys from ther even 2 hours before the place was the best night I’ve ever been Soulwax in there too but I don’t re- opened. to at The End Club. Erol was DJing ally remember that part too well. I I turned up rather late, and most the whole night after about mid- give this night 5/5 easily. By the way, of the people trying to get in once night, playing his usual mish mash the last song was Abba - Dancing they’d reached capacity were total of electro, indie, new-wave and any- Queen. Some of the more emotional arseholes, and the fact the police thing else, only this week he only (drunk?) Trashsters actually cried, turned up at one point with three played the total classics. Basically which shows how highly some peo- Yep, this was about one sixth of the queue Friday 26 January 2007 felix 19

NIGHTLIFE [email protected] Annie Mac and Mylo whip up a frantic frenzy at Fabric nightclub Laurence Fahrni contributes to the destruction of Rock & Roll with Mylo, Annie-Mac and friends

energy to stand, or those who feel Mylo, Annie Mac and Guests like trying a conversation without Fabric wondering whether the other per- Friday 12 January son speaks the same language as ★★★✩✩ you. Getting to the bar, it was time to start a little crowd analysis, try to So it was off to Fabric to write a get a cross section of the 2007 Fab- review on probably London’s most ric goer. It was immediately ob- well known club. What could I say served an un-chartered ‘trendy hol- about the place that had not already lyoaks type’ had reared its pretty been said? Fortunately, having nev- head onto the scene, along with the er read anything written about Fab- types that seemed to me had either ric, I present this review blissfully just missed Hoxton, or were in for a unaware of the clichés that spew pleasant surprise upon discovery of from my fingers, infecting your deli- the streets of Shoreditch. cate mind with stagnant ideas. More so, it seemed a stream of As ever, the evening began with newbies were amalgamating them- impeccable timing. It was certainly selves with the masses, making a convenience catching my friends me feel like a veteran of the place, at the front of the queue, with zero having only been a humble three guest list waiting time. However, times. The toilets echoed tales of arriving early enough to avoid them how many times people had vomit- queuing for an era meant I was still ed, and the confusion on how to use a slave to the fundamental Fabric the taps confirmed my suspicions paradox. This is that without the whilst giving me a more accurate help of magic beans or a small for- figure on how many were yet to tune, there will likely be always one conclude the highs and lows of their inconvenience. Arrive early enough furtive first foray into the frantic fu- to avoid long queues, and, without rore of Fabric. preparatory sleeping, you run the Onto the dance floor, despite it Mylo, taking a break from his natural habitat of a banging nightclub risk of running out of energy and in- being early, that didn’t mean you toxication before 4AM (unless you couldn’t be stopped every few min- want to continue parting ways with utes by somebody with the manners Next was Calvin Harris, which time for relaxation, without the bouncers are oh so friendly (OK, almost £4 for each bottle of beer). to kick over the drink you delicately sported some well prepared back- kind of chatter that guarantees the rest is true.) Perhaps this is simply a personal placed on the floor or barge into ing music. Meanwhile the singer loss of voice in the close future. As Giving up on Mylo appearing, it problem to feel defeated if I lose the your get fonky zone. Though this dropped lines in the style of David the thumping bassline gave me a was time to go home, feeling the will to battle the night out until be- did make me wish I had the spines Bowie, without the lyrical prowess, sonic massage, I reflected upon the most refreshed I’ve ever felt leav- ing kicked out of the venue. of a hedgehog, I soon realised I eas- as he taught the recited the verb to review. ing a nightclub. Little did I know it Anyhow a trip to the stairs of se- ily had the ability to do the same. L be, in the context “I am in the in- Although Fabric has its incon- had been Mylo providing the back- dation is all to common for those double reliably played the first of dustry, you are in the industry”. Not veniences, you are guaranteed an ing beat to my philosophical jour- who’s blood alcohol level have the enjoyable music, as I the crowd really my cup of tea, but I think I’d eventful night. The large venue may ney, seeing as his appearance was swung one way or another from the bounced from person to person. spotted what had drawn the Hoxton make it likely you lose your friend’s mainly a DJ set, I left in the most desired balance, those without the Though this situation crowd. Next, Annie Mac supplied but the likelihood is you’ll run into dancing mood I’d felt all evening. some eclectic tunes, with basslines somebody else you know – it’s hap- Hearing tales of the quality of DJ just the right pitch to make you pened every time I’ve been. “live up to the” Hype’s set, perhaps constantly think your phone’s go- The club’s name means it draws I felt tempted to return. ing off. people from far and wide, and al- I’ll leave with the advice that if Becoming weary and not wanting though this brings about the phe- you want to go along to Fabric, I’d to join the stairs social scene for nomenon of so many people com- recommend doing so when a per- two long, I was fortunate enough ing into London for their big night former or a group of friends gives to find a sofa on the balcony above out (making it a bit like going out in you occasion to do so, making event the stage whilst waiting for Mylo Leicester square, with better mu- worthwhile, whichever way you deal to come on. This proved one of the sic). The sound systems are second with the paradoxical obstacles. most highlights of the evening. A to none (as far as I know), and the Laurence Fahrni 2007: Survival of the hottest New clubnights springing up everywhere, electro on the up, ‘nu-rave’ died on its ass, Trash is dead! So what’s hot or not?

Chalk might be one of the contend- if it becomes nearly as popular, or ever makes money I suppose. ers for being the next amazing club another night comes along to steal If Trance is your thing, then you night, as long as they keep to the for- all the Trash kids on a Monday night. might want to check out Tran- mat of it being a proper Indie night If you’re looking for something on a science, again at Proud in Camden and don’t go down the road of Indie Tuesday night, and want to make a offering a wonderful mix of psych- ‘superclubs’ like NME, and speak- change from Panic! then you could edelic trance and ultra chill out it’s ing of NME they are going down, in check out Love Is All at Proud, it’s the best place for any Trance addict fact they are at the top of our list of a new weekly charity band and DJ to spend their Sunday night. Right horrendous clubnights never to at- night and should be good fun. near Cyberdog too so you can stock tend unless you really really need It seems that Metro Club on up on your raver outfits and glo- to go out on a Friday night . Oxford Street is going seriously sticks beforehand! The new replacement for Trash downhill recently, their main target Finally, somewhere never to visit seems pretty good too, DURRR audience being unoriginal Indie or is those terrible chain clubs (Bar- is basically a club night that’s be- metal kiddies who like hearing the Rumba, Walkabout etc.) If you’ve ing run by all the other Trash DJ’s same thing over and over and over resorted to that we seriously sug- apart from Erol Alkan, so I can only again. You’re even likely to hear the gest you go out and buy a Timout assume it will be basically just like same Nirvana track 3 times in one magazine and look what is actually Trash used to be. Only time will tell night at that place. Oh well, what- happening in this huge city. 20 felix Friday 26 January 2007

GAMES [email protected] I, Gamer This week in videogaming The gag in last week’s subhead was SICK SAXIST. Sixaxis. You make me weep

t’s that time of year when Bill Gates reviews his to-do list and realises that he’s due for another Time Magazine covershoot. Either that, or Ithe multi-multi-billion dollar owner of Microsoft is getting bored of the poker-face approach to the Console War. This week, hot on the tail of Steve “You Call That Competition? I’ve Seen Better Products In My Toilet After A Particularly Colon-Churn- ing Evening Of Curry” Jobs, Gates launched a series of speeches, in- terviews and OK! photo stories in which he outlined, among other Michael Cook topics, “Why the PS3 will fail”, “Why the PS3 won’t win”, and the Games Editor ever-popular, “Why everyone will not buy the PS3”. It’s not that Gates doesn’t have wenty-eight hours. reason to smack talk – the XBox 360 Men have died do- is enjoying more and more success, ing certain things for with LIVE expanding its repertoire that long. Hell, people of downloadables and some crucial have died gaming for game deals being struck – and of Tthat long. Nevertheless – and I’m course there’s nothing easier than sure most of you are well aware kicking Sony when they’re embar- by now – one plucky World of assed. But it’s beginning to get a lit- Warcraft gamer arranged with tle boring now. their guild a 28-hour run through The media don’t like to let things Azeroth that would lead to them go, though, as KDND 107.9 are dis- being the first Level 70 player in covering this week as they first axed the acclaimed MMORPG. ten of their staff over the death of Which, it has to be said, makes a woman in their “Hold Your Wee this week’s five-hour shoot For A Wii” contest, and then later through Hitman: Blood Money pulled the plug on the unfortunate- seem less like an epic journey of ly-named show that spawned the killing, and more like a half-hour contest, The End. The Wii remains saunter on Sunday afternoon. See a hugely sought-out product, even what you think of our attempts to well into the January slump, with fashion ourselves as serial killers deliveries still being snapped up over the page. in the small hours of the morning. The twenty-eight hour mara- Hopefully, there won’t be any more thon through the best-loved fatalities over it. We couldn’t get photos of crazy Final Fantasy fans killing things, so here’s Pullover Weekly’s man of ‘06 online world, though, is an im- Not that we need any more of pressive feat, especially given those, as Germany seems to be pro- Blizzard’s hopes that the latest viding more than enough “Games Germany is thought to be forming eogames with excessive violence to for the DS – both good time-wast- expansion pack, Burning Cru- = Death” hype, the latest event an EU-wide ban on violent videog- anyone under the age of thirty. It’s ers, or more questionable license sade, would last gamers for an- being two teenage murders who ames that would potentially cover unfortunate, but probably a neces- tie-ins, including Rocky Balboa. other six months or so. It’s an im- unfortunately gave their names as everything from Counterstrike to sary step, until ELSPA and similar Hmm. mense effort of co-operation and ‘Reno’ and ‘Sephiroth’, two charac- Lord of the Rings. bodies raise awareness and – that You’re better off looking for the timing that allowed the members ters from the RPG Final Fantasy Whilst that might be taking things old favourite – people start caring cheaper thrills, however – 1UP of their Guild to protect, support VII. After making a headline here too far, it is good to see certain steps what they buy their children. published a list of the Top 100 free and aid the now-famous player to or there, the events of the two kids being taken to curb the amount of Fortunately, we can still buy games off the internet. The list the new level cap. were used as further fuel to Ger- very young gamers getting their whatever we like over here. Unfor- compiles all manner of genres, with I doubt it means that we’re many’s ongoing campaign against hands on the bloodier games. tunately, we’re still in the New Year some genuinely good finds. Find it, breeding some strain of super-hu- violent videogames. As the current New York State is aiming to pass dry spell. This week, you can pick up and forget about January. man who will be able to solve all president of the European Union, a bill that prohibits the sale of vid- ActionLoop or StarFox Command http://tinyurl.com/2zpyw2 of mankind’s future ills through scaled planning, time manage- ment and an Archivist Cape of the Whale. But it shows that they can actually get something done when they want to. This week I stumbled across a spoof website that parodies Sec- ond Life, a hugely customisable MMO. The site, Get A First Life (http://www.getafirstlife.com/) is 0.9 1.75 a wry take on the life simulator that many people give preference Litres of water a to over their real lives. It might Litres of water seem sad to most, but what goes healthy human can on in that mini-world is genuinely Jennifer Strange impressive. excrete, per hour Stroll through Second Life or had to hold, per Garry’s Mod, and you’ll see a lot of complete arseholes. But in hour, to win a Wii that respect, it’s not a lot different from real life. Where it differs is just how much people are willing to work together in order to have fun. Alright, twenty-eight hours is verging on the obssessive. But as a hobby, there are far less impres- sive things you could’ve done. Six months of gaming in a day? Sure beats work. Friday 26 January 2007 felix 21

GAMES [email protected] The best laid frags o’ mice an’ men The CGC’s inaugral LAN event hit the Union last weekend. Nimalen Balsingham tells tales of war

e looked to his left, The CGC was founded only early paused, and glanced this year by a group of gaming en- to his right. thusiasts, the majority of whom are Coast was clear. in their 3rd year of study at Impe- A drop of sweat trick- rial College. Hled down his brow as his moved his The aim of CGC is to promote the sweaty palm from his mouse to dry idea of LAN gaming to everyone. them on his already damp jeans. LAN gaming is a simple process *BANG! BANG! BANG!* whereby people connect their com- That movement made all the puters to this huge ‘box’ and Lo and difference. It made him linger at Behold!, they are all wired up and the corner just for a fraction of a ready to play head to head against second too long; long enough for one another. the person sitting opposite him to CGC also aims to create a plat- empty a magazine worth of bullets form where all gamers of Imperial through his bullet-proof vest and College can unite and play together. into his body. There will be meetings, or rather, That was it… the Counter-Terror- gaming sessions held regularly so ists had won this round. that members can meet up and en- Sounds dramatic? Absolutely not. joy gaming as a cohort. Instead of This is a snapshot from the event playing games with strangers over that took place in the Union Dining the internet and having nightmares Hall last Saturday, when the newly about how your opponent looks like, formed Computer Games Club with CGC, you can actually see who (CGC) held its first event of the you are playing with. Also, you will year – a LAN (Local Area Network) know who the bugger who ended party. your killing spree was and be able From 10am, people came stream- to order a pie to be smashed into ing into the dining hall armed to the his face the next time the Union teeth. Most of them had laptops, runs a hit squad. You can see more photos of the event at the Felix Games Flickr page – www.flickr.com/photos/felixgames but the more enthusiastic ones Believe it or not, gaming actually even had desktops brought in with fosters teamwork and allows peo- them. After a quick sign-up, bags ple to understand the personality of those proud experts will start own- prizes stand to be won by the best venue and time is yet to be con- were ripped opened, various kinds their gaming peers. In multiplayer ing you, CGC is here to your rescue! out there. There is not much time firmed, but will be provided to you of computers came buzzing to life games, people are forced to work as CGC has provisions for novice gam- left, so all gamers out there: assem- through email. and gaming mice were whipped up a team in order to win, and this kind ers, and will teach you from scratch ble your teams and start practic- We hope to be pwning you all very onto the tables. It was time to find of co-operation and teamwork can how various game systems work, ing… for this will be an intense bat- soon. out whose mouse control was the be applied to other areas of life, like and what you can do to improve tle where literally only the strongest best, and who could think on their in studies or at work. your gaming. You do not have to and the smartest survive! butts as CounterStrike and DotA But it’s not just questionable worry about people calling you a Besides that, a forum will be set (Warcraft III: Frozen Throne’s De- health benefits. Have you ever ‘newbie’ or ‘feeder’ since all nov- up just for gaming individuals in fence of the Ancients) teams were thought what a loser the nerd sit- ices will start playing from ground Imperial College. Here, you can assembled. ting behind you could be? Well, zero. When you yourself feel that discuss various strategies and Contact For the next 6 hours, only the nerd or not, he might just hand you you are of the appropriate stand- even news of any exciting upcom- low humming sounds from the your butt on a silver platter when ard, you are most welcome to join ing games. We’ll also try to arrange After such a long read, what computers, the periodic taps on you meet him in the virtual fight- the higher level gamers and test trips to gaming conventions if any are you waiting for? The mem- the keyboards and furious click- ing world! Besides, you can also out your mettle. are held in London. bership is a measly £2 and this ing on the mice could be heard. find out who amongst you are the CGC may not have the best gam- The next LAN party session is go- will open a gateway to a whole Of course, there were the rather selfish, self-serving trouble makers ers, but when many good gamers ing to be held on the 3rd of Febru- new world! frequent swear words that echoed who only care about their own safe- come together, the ultimate gaming ary 2007. Due to popular demand, through the room whenever some- ty, or find the heroes that will lay experience can be created. we will be playing Counter-Strike Sign up now at http://tinyurl. one ‘died’. their lives down to rescue a team CGC may still be a young club, but 1.6 and WarCraft3 FrozenThrone: com/2l9gez This is what happened at the mate in need. plans for the future have already DotA. To sign up for this event CGC’s first big event last Saturday. CGC is not just a club for gam- been made. Come March, there will and our mailing list, please drop a For comments or enquiries For anyone who has missed it, rest ers; it is a club by gamers. Thus, if be tournaments for 2 popular multi- line at [email protected]. You will be email CGC at: [email protected] assured, there’s more future frag- you are new to gaming or if you are player games – CounterStrike and required to bring your own laptop/ ging to be had.. afraid to start due to the fear that DotA. Needless to say, attractive desktop and copy of the game. The

Counter-Strike remains one of the most popular games for competitive play, and was a firm favourite at the LAN event. Prefer other games? Email the society and suggest them 22 felix Friday 26 January 2007

GAMES [email protected] Endurance - Hitman: Blood Money Tony Plana stalks the night with a sharp suit and sharper smile. The pay’s not great, but the perks...

hen you eat the set out on my mission. Some gam- same kind of food ers left kitchen knives as signs of over and over their passing on every target they again, the taste killed. Others procured their melee becomes burned weapons of choice on-site. Some intoW your soul. I know this, because just blew shit up. after seven packets of Polos, my ‘Blew shit up’ doesn’t quite ex- tongue feels and tastes like the press just how well some of the Fox’s mint polar bear took a dump plans went, of course (see “A Blow on it. But – and I think you’ll find Profile”), but there’s something this link pretty good – games are a satisfying about taking the explo- bit like that too, see? sive approach to H:BM. Possibly be- Deus Ex sounded like a good idea. cause, when time’s getting on and It’s a straight run through – the you’re too tired to sedate that guard same challenges, but different ways for his uniform, well – you just toss to overcome it. Of course, most of some explosives his way, or into the them involved people dying, and a nearest crowd of people, or... you lot of them involved cock-ups. For get the idea. the next Endurance trip, the all- You can catch up with some of night gamers chose something that the better hits on these pages. Of required a full concentration bar all course, some fought for Silent As- the way to the final whistle. Hitman sassin – the game’s best rating – for is nothing if not that. each mission, others just tried to It still sounds like a crazy idea to make the most impressive mess. me, but taking on the thirteen core They’re good at that. missions of the assassin simulator Have you played Halo into the Hitman: Blood Money was nothing wee small hours? Did you complete if not unique. After painstakingly Half-Life in a single sitting? Get planning a stylish route through in touch with us and tell us more. each level, all that remained was to [email protected] A blow profile Michael “OddBlowJob” Cook raised the in-game alert level to yel- low, and since I massacred a boat Seemingly, Hitman is littered with full of diners and a wedding full of bomb-able places. Chairs, chande- rednecks recently, well... it’s safe liers, cakes – dead dog carcasses to say that just about everyone’s and flagpoles seem to be the only looking out for me. It’s not looking things that you can’t shove some good right now. I fall back on Agent plastique on and send into orbit. 47’s mischevious days in primary But that’s not to say that some lev- school, and hit the fire alarm. els didn’t take some ‘invention’ in Thankfully, one of the bellhops order to get that perfect explosion. seems confused by the alarm The House of Cards mission is a – quite how you get confused about good example. The setting is Las a very loud noise and people run- Vegas, where a meeting is going to ning to the exit is a mystery to all take place between a Sheikh, a mad but the AI programmer – and hangs scientist, and a white supremacist. around in a secluded spot for too Stereotypes Anonymous are plan- long. He soon finds himself uncon- ning to exchange a briefcase full of scious and naked in a box. Strut- blood diamonds – the Hitman se- ting past the Sheikh’s security now, ries’ equivalent of a cloth sack with ostensibly to deliver drinks to the a dollar sign on it – for a briefcase money-addled madman, the dis- of rather important DNA samples. I guise won’t last for very long. As I need to creatively kill all of them. pull out my second mine, ready to The meeting is to take place at a place it in the compartment next swanky, belly-dancer-ridden casino, to the meeting, the DNA seller de- so I break into the crazy South Afri- cides to get up and stretch his legs can’s room and rig the DNA brief- in my compartment. case with a bomb. Then, I simply It’s a tricky moment, where you leave and wait in the ladies’ toilets weigh up the pros and cons of set- – for some strange reason, only men ting off a large explosive device in seem to need to use the facilities in the secure area of a very full casino this casino. And so I wait. against just pretending to be a wait- The meeting begins, and my er for the rest of the day and seeing walking bomb passes security and what you can raise in tips. begins chatting with his buyer. And I like to think I made the right I wait some more. He chats about choice. the usual stuff, I guess – whether I don’t remember exactly what the slot machines are fixed. Celeb- happened between that moment rity Big Brother. Genocidal armies and running through the sprinkler of clones. systems to my waiting limo, in a I’m getting bored now, so I decide hail of gunfire, confusion, and the to set off the bomb. Nothing hap- occasional headbutted civilian. The pens. Thinking I’m too far away, I newspapers claim that someone stumble into the main area. Hit the looking suspiciously like a Tena- button. Nothing happens. Some- cious D reject ‘massacred’ a huge thing very wrong is going on. group at a Las Vegas casino. They Then I hear a bad noise. There’s suspect blood money was involved, an explosion from several floors but unfortunately – no-one ever above, and the scientist is lying in found the diamonds. a pool of his own blood in his hotel In an unconnected event, I couldn’t room. Somehow, the other briefcase find the briefcase I’d brought in with has exploded. me, so I took the Sheikh’s instead. This, as you might imagine, is It had a lovely collection of marbles something of a setback. It’s also in it. Cute. Friday 26 January 2007 felix 23

GAMES [email protected] Cutting it fine

Andrew “Cutting Wit” Dunn that point, though, I didn’t know all of this. I knew only that I had a job Hey, why so glum? At least you’re to do and that a lot of people might not here being Santa at a Christ- die before it was done. But that was mas party in April. Urk.” alright. It was all for the money, It wasn’t my fault, officer, it went eh? off in my hand. He threw himself Massive stainless steel razor- onto my blade. I was in Wisconsin sharp kitchenware hidden safely in at the time. Somehow, it occurred my garters, which also contained to me that this wouldn’t stand up in my emergency survival kit (pass- court. Oh well. I wasn’t planning on port, syringe, three pounds of plas- staying in this den of depravity long tic explosive, silenced pistol, Euros, enough to get caught, anyway. the usual), I proceeded inconspicu- I stood there, the enormity of ously in my bright red costume to what I’ve done failing to impact on my first target. He was on the upper my consciousness. In front of me, floor of his mansion, and while none his lifeblood seeping into the cracks of the drunken party guests with a between the kitchen tiles, lay a fat raging libido seemed to care that old man in a white-fur-trimmed a six foot barcoded bald man was red suit. He had a knife stuck gro- going around in a Father Christ- tesquely into his forehead, and I just mas suit with suspiciously bulging stood and watched the crimson pool pockets, the security guards were spread out from him. Strangely... less apathetic. Or possibly less dis- dispassionate. I’d just killed Santa. tracted, it’s hard to say. However, But morals weren’t really a consid- a little creative wardrobe chang- eration. So I stripped his whitening, ing (and one unconscious porno- Father Christmas, caught in the act of the teapot dance. He won’t be shouting about his spout any more lifeless body, pulled on his cheerful graphic photographer) ensured my and miraculously clean festive suit passage to the upper levels. I didn’t stocked up on more kitchen knives, stay long. Only long enough to slit doors, where bikini-clad ‘actresses’ knife embedded itself into his brain the past now. I had another half a and went on my way. three throats and brutally execute shivered and attempted to enter- from ten feet away. In the confusion dozen hits to carry out in the next Also fated to die that snowy night that annoying canine with a shot to tain my second target, the prodi- that followed, I slipped out, in my hour and a half, three more cans of were two slickly-suited security its head. gal son who would never return crisp suit once more. No-one would cider, a good supply of gingerbread, guards, an irritatingly yappy black Downstairs once again, I slipped to taste the fatted calf. In fact, the ever know who was behind the it was dark and I was wearing terrier, a disgraced senator’s son, into my morbidly unseasonal get- only thing the poor sod was to taste Christmas Porn Mansion murders. sunglasses. and an aging adult film tycoon. At up once more, and took to the out- was the blood in his mouth after my But I put it behind me. That was in Hit it.

Is that a small explosive device in your pocket?

Nick “Bible Basher” Virago on fire, who are understandably irritated. A redneck wedding – it’s every little Most of the hillbillies are running boy’s dream. Fittingly, then, Agent scared now, the guards don’t know 47 spruces himself up in the clothes what’s going on, and the father – lov- of a drunken southener (America, ingly known as ‘Pappy’ – is stagger- not England, obviously. They don’t ing around the mansion in shock. drink down there.) and slips his way They’re eyeing me up very closely, inside. but I’m not clear to leave yet, so I It’s the bride that’s hired us for swagger in through the front doors today’s job – to take out the groom again and hop upstairs to the attic. and his father and let her get on The attic, for some reason, is full with the job of partly-organised of guards. Not to worry though, they crime. The guards are patrolling, see priests in lofts all the time, I’m the ‘gators are in the water, and just exorcising spirits and the like. I the yokels are doing their dancing. leave a holy remote mine on a con- I join in for a little bit, but then get secrated chandelier bolt, and then disturbed at the sight of a bald killer amble my way downstairs. doing the jive, and move on. They noticed. They take their The mansion’s looking pretty spif- time informing me of this, of course, fy. Clean, white panelling, pianos, so by the time I’m standing in the alluring guests. The priest is also hallway, watching Pappy stagger looking quite spiffy too, so it’s off to the last steps down the stairs to knock him upside the head and take the crushing point, everyone in the his clothes. And his large, hollowed- room pulls a piece out. out Bible. Time freezes momentarily, as the His very large Bible, with an inter- expression on Pappy’s face chang- esting compartment in the center. es from sorrow into a mixed anger/ No-one notices that the priest has confusion/did-I-get-him-insured now become considerably more and he steps onto the lower half of angry-looking, and has a barcode the staircase. tattooed onto the back of his skull. In a beautiful split-second move- No-one notices during the ceremo- ment, I pull the trigger on the det- ny that I’m cradling a detonator. In onator, burst out of the door, and fact, everyone seems pretty uncon- draw my dual Silverballers. Behind cerned when the bible is launched me, the sound of crashing glass into the congregation, towards the and screaming. In front of me, my groom, and explodes violently. speedboat, and a drunk, naked red- Except the members of the crowd neck. Action! SUNDAY 4TH WEDNESDAY 31ST superbowl 2007 • LateBaruntil3am for thesuperbowl • BestbarinKensington • Giveawaysallnight Fight ClubBouncyBoxing The Unionencourages responsibledrinking. R.O.A.R.Student I.D.Required. Imperial College Union,BeitQuadrangle, PrinceConsortRoad,London SW72BB imperial

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t only £1.75(allflavours) Carlsberg, Tetley’s & Carlsberg, Tetley’s& org only £1.30apint! Reef Bottles Blackthorn Blackthorn /ents jan 26th-feb4th

2677-1 ALSO ON u r Sun 3rd Fri 2nd Thu 1st Wed 31st Tue 30rd Sat 27th r 2t Fri 26th FRIDAY 2ND FRIDAY 26TH Smirnoff vodka&Draughtmixer£1.25 Gordons Gin&Draughtmixer£1.30 Superbowl -latebar! The Mingle IC Radio Fight Club-BouncyBoxing Da Vinci’s-QuizNight Alternative MusicNight Stick itOn! uk hip-hop&trip-hop Bacardi &Draughtmixer£1.45 Bells &Draughtmixer£1.35 Phoenix is the arts magazine companion to Felix. It has existed for more than ninety years, and was originally edited by H. G. Wells.

Phoenix This year, we’re looking to re-establish Phoenix as a regular (termly) magazine, along with an editorial team independent The arts magazine from Felix. If you’re interested in contributing work, designing the magazine, or helping out in any way, contact the editor of Phoenix (hugh.stickley-mansfield@ of Imperial College imperial.ac.uk), or the Felix editor (felix@ imperial.ac.uk). 26 felix Friday 26 January 2007

PUZZLES [email protected] Ultima fira scorchioso puzzle time Here’s some puzzles originally supposed to be in last week’s issue that were cut due to nasty adverts! Sudoku mania! Kakuro – round 3 Solid 9 2 1 5 1 2 3

2 1 8 5 The numbers indicate the sum of the dig- its in the row or column indicated. For example, the square with 7 and 11 in it 5 9 means “the numbers you write in the row below must add up to 7, and the numbers in the row across must add up to 11”. You 4 1 7 2 may use each number only once within a row of cells (called a ‘run’), like sudoku. 2 8 Any spare cells are available for tiny pho- tographs of dwarves in future weeks. 9 3 4 5 5 3 7 6 6 8 5 ici’ROCK Bitchin’ 7 8 1 Hexadoku – the destroyer mk. 2 3 5 8 6 8 2 1 3 1 7 5 8 6 4 1 2 1 2 6 8 4 3 8 9 2 3 4

2 8 6 9 4 5 6 1 5 7 9 5 2 3 2 6 1 3 7 4 7 5 2 4 9 1 3 4 1 6 Friday 26 January 2007 felix 27

PUZZLES [email protected] Sudoku 1,370 This Week’s Wii Remotes

Complete the grid so that every row, every column and every 3x3 Scorpio (23 Oct – 21 Nov) Pisces (19 Feb – 20 Mar) Cancer (22 Jun – 22 Jul) square contains the digits 1 to 9. E-mail your solution to sudoku. [email protected] by Tuesday 9am. We will randomly select Oh Smithers we do! So... the Felix “dun- Darling, I love you. a winner to receive either a 128MB USB stick or a crate of beer. Oh Smithers we do! geon” as it is affec- You know, the way you You must claim your prize within a week. OH SMITHERS WE tionately known... No, smile when I call you LOVE YOU! You are really. Considering I beautiful. The way a true legend of the live in a FUCKING you walk with a slight physics department. HELL HOLE, the spring in your step. I 8 6 2 7 Your enthusiasm knows no bounds dungeon is pretty much a tramp’s love when you rub your eyes in the as you answer every question put nirvana. ANYWAY, we’ve had a tidy morning, surprised to find my seed forth by every lecturer ever. Keep up. I can now eat my dinner off the slathered unevenly. Ha! Spider- 4 5 6 it up. Your country needs you! floor as well as out of your mum. man! You didn’t see that coming! Sagittarius (22 Nov – 21 Dec) Aries (21 Mar – 20 Apr) Leo (23 Jul – 22 Aug) 6 3 Fuck off phone. Re- This week you buy I’ve got a glove full ally. Just fuck off. Your a gun of the highest of vaseline to lube up 1 6 incessant ringing is calibre available. It your axe gash with. Of going to make me comes with the most Men And Mice refer- break you. I’m going powerful .12 gauge ences are dominating 7 2 to break every bit of bullets you’ve ever the newspaper this plastic in your casing. I’m going to had the pleasure to shoot out of the week eh folks? Cultured bunch of rip you wire from wire. I’m going to barrel of your most powerful gun scatalogical shitbags us lot aren’t 1 6 tear of your earpiece and shit down ever. The metal is made from the we? Tip: make sure you twist and your handset. best diamond ever and it rocks. stab, it ensures maximum seepage. 1 8 Capricorn (22 Dec – 19 Jan) Taurus (21 Apr – 21 May) Virgo (23 Aug – 22 Sept) So, this week’s TV ______This week your man 8 5 3 page has been demot- / DO IT! \ mammaries swell to ed to the horoscopes \_0_ \______/ epic proportions. After page. Waking The | \ \/ dishing out obligatory 7 3 4 8 Dead. Watch it. Five “\_/\ ___O squeezes to all your Days. Also watch it. \ / \ /\ friends, you decide to Er... Mona the Vampire is cackling || “ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ get implants in yaw buttocks. You Solution to 1,369 Jotting pad to herself all of a sudden. I think ‘‘‘’’’’‘’’“‘‘’’’‘’’‘‘’’‘‘’’’’’’’‘‘’‘“‘‘‘‘’’’’‘““’’“’‘’’’’‘‘’ sit down on a vicious cockroach she’s going to plunge her fangs that burrows up your anus and 8 2 5 1 3 9 7 6 4 Get a fucking life into my bratwurst... neck! ======proceeds to devour your insides. 9 3 7 6 8 4 2 5 1 you beige-featured 1 6 4 7 5 2 3 8 9 Aquarius (20 Jan – 18 Feb) Gemini (22 May – 21 Jun) Libra (23 Sept – Oct 22) 7 5 3 4 2 6 1 9 8 bunch of queered- 2 4 9 8 1 3 5 7 6 up shit-brained piss This week you notice Well done crossword You drop off your kids a portal to another fans. You didn’t pan- at the swimming pool 6 1 8 9 7 5 4 3 2 fumblers. Your sort dimension located der to The Bearded as you do every Tues- 4 7 1 5 6 8 9 2 3 of cunt-eyed bog- just behind the second Intruder’s juvenile at- day. Unfortunately, 3 9 6 2 4 7 8 1 5 drawer on your bed- tempt for attention by some bastard has 5 8 2 3 9 1 6 4 7 gle-arsed cockweasel room dressing table. complaining about his taken your parking makes me physically Barnyard, as it’s known, is a world H.I.L.A.R.I.O.U.S. faux-crossword. space. This is not on. Reverse bay Thanks to everyone who entered. without war, grief or strife – where Do not support this vagabond! He parking quickly ensues causing The winner this week is Ben Earner. sick. Still, good luck. everyone lives in peace and tran- rapes babies whilst whispering catastrophic carnage. The clean up Keep those entries coming in! quilty. Yeah, we can do satire too. convulted sentences of grim death. operation is going to be a mess.

Felix Crossword 1,370 Scarecrow

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 ACROSS DOWN As you might have spotted, I 1 Setter is is with fifty others in 1 Mischievous children behead didn’t have time to do a crossword 9 city of foolishness (10) procurers (4) last week, so I was rather pleased 6 Strip and follow a follower (4) 2 Dry 6 leads and follows the when someone stepped in to do 10 11 10 Fear of god (5) crowd (9) one at short notice. However, it 11 Screwdrivers from Idaho? (9) 3 Two companies and a bean (5) seems Mr Barbatus has something 12 Adjusting king after work, 4 Socialist breaks down iron stilt of a reputation for mischief, and during tea (8) (7) came up with a rather unfortunate- 12 13 13 Lump of mixed French spice (5) 5 Dispersed as great dispersal ly impossible puzzle. 15 Add to feds between gold and agent (7) This week’s crossword may be 14 time (8) 7 Open, for the love of God! (5) familiar to those of you with long 17 Garbled news as a city (7) 8 Neglects criticism concerning memories, though since no-one 15 16 17 18 19 Family of reverse mention (10) solved it then, it’s clearly new to motion (7) 9 Broken hip sways in canals (8) some of you. Last time, there was 21 Water gods look after Docklands 14 Mischievous child in attempt to no prize, of course, so hopefully (4,3) hijack anapests (10) someone’ll have a pop at it for the 19 20 21 22 Confused, Adrian lost his head 16 The id of Irmgard (8) tenner. at lowest point (5) 18 Viewer of Boris’s organ (9) 24 see 30 20 Disorganised charging with no Scarecrow 27 Mixture I purport to mix without end of humiliation (7) 22 23 24 25 heat (9) 21 Horrifying disfigured children 28 Provide one hundred at Eritrea ending abruptly (7) Solution to Crossword 1,359 26 (5) 23 Horrifying disfigured children C S I R E Y E S N A W L E A R 29 In this, how to display (4) ending abruptly (5) S C H U B E R T U C H O P I N 27 28 30 & 24 Score an eighth? (3,7,3,5) 25 Tinned Peruvian? (5) L H C N N M P A L C T C U R O 26 Dry king in assistance (4) B E R 8 2 5 1 3 9 7 6 4 R F F N M R 9 3 7 6 8 4 2 5 1 L R T P A G 1 6 4 7 5 2 3 8 9 R A K K I 7 5 3 4 2 6 1 9 8 P M R 29 30 S K E 2 4 9 8 1 3 5 7 6 L E R N R E A Y M T A H I S R E A L L O F F T O M A Send your answers to [email protected] or bringT this page I R I S N ‘ T A S E I U S N R A S down to the Felix office in the West Wing of Beit Quad by Wednesday T S I Y A S Y O U M T N S 9am. There was no winner last week, due to circumstances beyond our G H T T H I N K A C H control, so the prize money goes towards keeping Felix running for an- U A A O L F T B E A L O other week. Dear god, we need it. We can’t even afford water. M S K I N K O R S A K O V C N R S U L E S L O N U E G N CROSSWORD SUDOKU Sport pages 26 & 27 IC 1sts demolish everyone Sports results Wednesday 17th January Jack Cornish Football: Men’s 4s 1 After one too many mince pies over Royal Vets 1s 2 the festive period, returning to the Fortress to play 70 minutes of gru- Men’s 5s 1 elling hockey was a daunting task, KCL Medical School 2s 1 however the spirit of ICHC shone through with what can only be de- Men’s 7s 2 scribed as a demolition project! University of the Arts 1s 4

Hockey: Ladies Hockey Men’s 1st 12 IC 1sts 7 Imperial Medicals 1s 1 RUMS 1sts 3 Men’s 3s 1 St Barts 2s 2 It was a sunny January Wednesday at Harlington when the IC ladies Women’s 1s 7 1s took on RUMS ladies 1s. Hav- Royal Free 1s 3 ing worked off the mince pies and Christmas cake during a frenzied Women’s 2s 0 Monday training session, the girls KCL Medical School 4s 0 were well up for some top-class hockey action! Netball: Spirits were high in the changing Women’s 1s 22 rooms despite a guest appearance Royal Free 1s 30 by Howard in goal, and there was much discussion about five o’clock They look like golf sticks but thankfully we haven’t had to print two issues with golf on the back page! Women’s 2s 39 shadows and wandering bikini St Barts 3s 8 lines. Out on the pitch, the IC ladies hit short corner was stopped by a foot to a match that promised so much about pills, child birth and profes- Rugby: RUMS hard from the first whistle on the line. Womble drove it home humiliation! sionalism while consoling the Med- Men’s 1s 10 and after some nifty passing from nutmegging the goalie. Cate struck Harvester, back from war wounds ics. The second half saw the de- Royal Free 1s 17 Span and Cate in midfield and total again for IC with an exemplary to his forehead, regained his cap- parture of Mountie and the arrival domination of the D, Argentina’s strike from the top of the D, howev- taincy from Date Rape and was of Batty, who with limited chances Men’s 2s 30 finest deflected a cross into the er the umpire controversially disal- determined to see his squadron left to bash some Medic arse took Roehampton 1s 5 goal. 1-0 to IC. A flurry of goals fol- lowed it despite a torrent of abuse perform as well as the Ladies! Sure the opportunity to make those in lowed including one each for Pru from the sideline. RUMS fought enough there were no lasting hang- red go red! He managed to feed the Women’s 1s 14 and Lucy – losing their goal virgin- back in the second half and despite overs from Christmas and within forwards well, in particular the rat Royal Vets 1s 42 ity in style – and one for Moonie. scoring at the wrong end scored minutes the goals started flowing. who started scoring goals like the With IC 4-0 up it looked like there another two. The final score was 7- Slick interplay between Star Wars plague. was no comeback for RUMs with 3 and player of the match went to and Toady caused havoc in the With only minutes left and double Saturday 20th January the defence looking solid and a little Howard. Medics defence (as they have done figures reached Date Rape decided Football: bored. It was rumoured that there over the last four years) resulting in it was time provide the female sup- Men’s 1s 1 was even time for some flirtation a couple of flying goals. The short porters with some long awaited at- UCL 1s 1 between a certain defender and a Mens Hockey corner routines seemed unstoppa- tention. While the rest of the IC 1sts mystery man from the Mens 1s who IC 1sts 12 ble and Jumanji was magical with watched him work his magic the Men’s 2s 2 wears a lot of green. A lucky RUMS IC Medicals 1sts 1 a final tally of five to his name. Not Medics slipped a sly one past Plug Royal Holloway 2s 1 break put the score to 4-1 but, by forgetting the defensive players who having seen almost none of the half time, Argentina had struck who saw very little of the ball but ball was getting some beauty sleep Men’s 6s 1 again and the score was 5-1. Having not lost to the Medic scum managed to perfect their celebra- A couple more were scored soon KCL 6s 1 After an inspirational half-time for over 2 years and having already tion techniques, building on previ- after and the final whistle followed chat, IC came out and looked dis- beaten them twice this season one ous demonstrations by a certain with which came the formalities Tennis: tinctly lethargic. The second half might have thought this match ladies captain! But on a serious – hand shakes, pats on the back and Men’s 1s 8 was slow-paced until IC were was pointless, even so credit was note Date Rape, Foetus and Ship- a request not to publish a match re- Queen Mary 1s 2 awarded a penalty flick when a due to the medics for turning up man were solid and learnt a lot port (Oops!).

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