Script 9 Troy

Cast needed: Menelaus, Agamemnon, Odysseus, Achilles, Calchas, Chryseis, Chryses

Agamemnon: Now that we’re here at Troy, we can’t get in to fight the Trojans! Their walls are so awesomely big and strong. It’s as if they were built by a god.

Calchas: In fact my lord, legend has it that the walls were built by Apollo and Poseidon when they served there time on Earth for trying to overthrow Zeus..

Agamemnon: Well, that explains a lot. I guess we’ll just lay siege to Troy and wait them out.

Calchas: In all deference to your exulted intelligence, the Trojans are very ready for such a battle plan. They have wells within the walls, stocked storerooms, lots of friends in this area of the world who will come to their aid, and you don’t have enough guys to surround the walls.

Agamemnon: What do you mean I don’t have enough guys? I’ve got lots of guys.

Calchas: Troy has a number of gates. You can’t cover them all and protect your boats from fire. The Trojans will be able to get out and gather supplies and allies. If pursue them, they might make it to the beach and set fire to our boats. Then we’d be screwed!

Agamemnon: Okay, we’ll do our best and sit them out.

Odysseus: Hey, I’m the clever one. I have an idea. Why don’t we keep the men sharp by sending them to the surrounding towns and sacking them. We’ll not only get some cool booty, but we’ll prevent the Trojans from being supported by those towns.

Agamemnon: That’s a great idea Odysseus. You really are clever. We’ll make Achilles captain of the raiding parties since he’s so good at what he does.

Achilles: Nice try sucking up you wind bag. I’ll do it, but I’ll do it because I want to, not because you asked me to. I hate you! (Exits, stomping).

Menelaus: Meanwhile, we should fight those Trojans coming out of their gates. Hey, who’s the big dude with the manly muscles and super armor?

Calchas: That’s Prince Hector. He’s the best Trojan fighter there is and captain of their army. No one can beat him.

Menelaus: And look, there’s that pansy Paris. He’s wearing a leopard skin! It’s so not right with those sandals. And he’s an archer. Only pansies are archers. If he was a manly man he would have a big sword like me!

Achilles: I’m back with some booty.

Agamemnon: I like this girl. I’ll take her as my special tent friend. What’s your name girl?

Chryseis: I’m Chryseis. My dad is Chryses, a priest of Apollo and really powerful. He’ll want me back so don’t get too used to me.

Agamemnon: Too bad. Achilles, take what ever you want that’s left over.

Achilles: I’m taking this girl, Breseis. She’s going to be my special tent friend. Come on girl.

Chryses: Greetings mighty Agamemnon. I’m Chryses, priest of Apollo and father to Chryseis. I’ve come to offer a ransom for my daughter. You know that this is not uncommon, and sometimes soldiers can be captured numerous times in a single war and ransomed over and over.

Agamemnon: Too bad daddy-O. I would rather have this girl as my special tent friend than my own wife. I’m going to take her back to Mycenae with me and make her my love slave forever.

Chryses: You’re in trouble now. I’m going home to pray to Apollo to smite you.

Agamemnon: Good riddance.