LAST TUESDAY’S WEATHER: Sunny and High of 5°C MOON: Waxing half

Friday, March 22, 2002 Issue 88.7

WWW.MATHNEWS.UWATERLOO.CA

Everything you UPDATED didn’t want to know about BIWEEKLY math. PRETZEL THOUSANDS KILLED IN SASKATCHEWAN REGINA Thousands of ground-hogs have been killed in a cross-province hunting derby. Wildlife groups are encouraging farmers to shoot the animals instead of using a chemical SHOP poison or other method of pest con- trol. Yet, other wildlife groups are concerned about the possibility of too many groundhogs being killed, putting groundhogs on the endan- gered species list. CLONES CLONE CLONE’S CLONE HELSINKI Cloned Finnish scientists BUYS have succeeded in becoming the first clones to create a clone of a clone’s clone. The mouse, a clone of a mouse cloned in Hawaii last year, is not ad- justing well to the clone lifestyle. Cheezor, as the clonologists call her, has difficulty walking, eating, CN and not crawling over the side of tables. The cloned scientists, al- though proud of their achievement, regret not having watched Multiplic- From Waterloo snack ity before beginning their work. start-up to multinational INDONESIAN ISLANDS STOLEN JAKARTA Police have no idea how in 4 months: Page 23 over 200 Indonesian islands could have disappeared. “We know they haven’t been gone long,” said one inspector, “I just went to Mataram on West Nusa Tenggara to visit relatives last week.” Their only suspect is a woman in red travelling under the name Carmen SanDiego. “We’d bring her in for questioning, but we don’t know where in the world she is now,” police reported.

INSIDE @Bizniz 12 Comics 14 Fake News 02 Horoscopes 08 Moonshine Boy 11 Moonshine Girl 18 Opinions 09 Puzzles 15 Sanders 08 Science 08 Sports 17 Whazzup? 10

First issue’s free, then they’ll cost you ... 2 THE TORONTO MOON Friday, March 22, 2002 NEWS Area Man Still Waiting for Sheppard Line to Open Albert O’Connor record on subway construction. subway, but are a little surprised Moon Reporter Dennis’ mother said she al- by Dennis’ enthusiasm. “We It’s cold tonight in Toronto, and ways had to prevent him getting thought maybe we’d get some nobody knows that better than too close to the dangerous side fans of the TTC waiting outside Dennis Goldblum. His excitement of the subway. “He always hours before it opened. Perhaps over the new Sheppard subway wanted to see what it was like to some would get dressed up like has brought him to wait outside feel the moving train from the TTC characters and reenact fa- the station at Yonge and Sheppard landing, or piss on the rails. Fi- mous subway scenes, but this guy for the new line to become active. nally when he was 10 his left just sits there and mumbles, Some people love concerts, some hand was taken off by a train at ‘Gotta ride the rocket,’ over and SHEPPARD & YONGE STATION people love movies, but Dennis Davisville station,” Mrs. over. I feel bad for him, what with Artist’s rendition of Goldblum’s probable location loves subways. Goldblum said. I believe Dennis the first train leaving from Since he was six, Gold- finally learned his lesson.” Fairview and all. He should prob- blum has loved the sights and The subway construction ably not sleep outside every night 2 New Toronto Papers sounds of the subway. He used has been going on for as long as either.” to spend days at a time riding the people living at the corner of Despite these warning, one- Simon L’Avier proposed Toronto newspaper. Sheppard and Yonge can remem- handed Dennis Goldblum still electric rails. It always disap- Publisher When our turn came, we ap- ber. After years of work and bil- waits at the corner of Yonge and pointed him that Toronto only Thirty-one years ago I would have pealed to the youth of the bid lions of dollars the 5-stop line is Sheppard for the exciting day had two lines, so the addition of never guessed I would own a team and their enthusiasm, play- finally preparing to open. The when electricity flows through a third is a big event for him; per- newspaper. Of course, thirty-one ing down mathNEWS as much TTC is happy that people are the new rails and he can experi- haps a once in a life time experi- years ago for me was 2001 ... time as possible. showing enthusiam over the new ence the trip of his lifetime. ence if Toronto maintains its travel can be a bitch. I thought our presentation Late last year, I was ap- was very convincing, particularly proached by mathNEWS, a math the reading of Don McKay’s “Be- North York Resident Unaware student publication at the Uni- fore the Moon” from his Gover- versity of Waterloo. They had nor-General award-winning heard that the Toronto Newspa- collectionof poetry, Another Grav- per League was expanding and ity. As Albert read, before the Someone Else Could Be Mayor wanted to try journalism on a moon, “Each night / was the same larger scale than their faculty or night, and fell formlessly, / with TORONTO During a very educational Hank’s unaware that it is possi- member the time he had all those university. no imagination, / and without discussion, Hank Xavier, 28, dis- ble to have a different mayor.” skyscrapers built on Yonge Street Since travelling back to you in it.” McKay’s words covered that Mel Lastman is not This comment is certainly but never filled them or when he 1971 with mathNEWS, I’ve used brought two judges to tears. Good the only possible mayor he could true, as when asked to name any- shook hands with a biker and my remembering skills to earn thing they never discovered that have. one who ran against Mr. Lastman, denied knowing that they were lots of money gambling, not un- we used the poem without per- “I was stunned,” he ex- all he could think of was “that drug dealers, or when his wife like Biff Tannen. I’m almost at the mission. plained, “My buddy, Will, was transvestite dude.” Certainly a stole those pants, or the whole point where there is so much, I Afterwards, to sweeten the just saying that he hopes the com- lack of competition has prevented Sheppard line thing, or when he don’t know what to do with it. deal, I doubled Conrad Grey’s ing election will bring some good North Yorkers from considering apologized like a hundred times, That’s why I was more than bribe. opposition so we could vote Mel other people as possible mayors, or when he was sued by those happy to donate a small portion Two minutes later, they an- Lastman out of office, and I was but couldn’t there be something kids he had with his mistress, or of my fortune to my old friends. nounced that the TNL had de- all like, ‘Dude, can we do that?’ more explaining his blind accept- when he threatened to kill that With the assistance of the cided to include two newspapers And then he was like, ‘Sure man, ance? reporter, or ” and he continued S. C. Reamer Financial Consul- in its expansion: Rupert Mur- that’s what an election is all “I thought he had some for another couple minutes list- tation Service, we put in a bid duck’s Toronto Daily Planet and about.’” deal where he was always mayor. ing some of his favourite “Mel- for a newspaper with the TNL our bid for The Moon! Xavier, a life-time resident Not like with Satan or anything moments,” as he calls them. alongside media giants like Two minutes later, they an- of North York, told us how he serious like that, just part of his Hank Xavier continues to Rupert Murduck and Conrad nounced plans for a league con- could not remember Lastman not contract. Will says that I’m seri- believe that only Mel Lastman Grey. The meetings were impos- traction to take place March 31st. being his mayor. “I think he was ously wrong there, but then why can be mayor, and will happily ing, but the catering was awe- The Moon should be able to sur- elected a year or two before I was was he automatically made mayor discuss it with any of his cus- some. vive that though ... wouldn’t it born, and I’m pretty sure that of Toronto?” tomers as they are waiting for Each bid team was required be silly if we only managed to before then North York was run Fortunately, Xavier has no their tacos, provided the line isn’t to give a presentation on their publish one issue? by a council or something and problems with having Mel too long. didn’t have a mayor.” Lastman as his The Toronto Moon is a mediocre (but still official!) parody of THE TORONTO He then recounted how he mayor for all 28 STAR, THE TORONTO SUN, and METRO TODAY by mathNEWS, a normally saw the formation of the mega- years of his life. fortnightly publication, on 8.5 by 11 paper (newsprint is only for special occa- city of Toronto and Mel Lastman’s “It’s like having sions), funded by and responsible to the undergraduate math students of the my Uncle Earl University of Waterloo, as represented by the Mathematics Society of the election there. “Okay, so they University of Waterloo, hereafter referred to as MathSoc. mathNEWS is editori- turned all four cities, Scarbor- as my mayor. ally independent of MathSoc. Content is the responsibility of the mathNEWS ough, Toronto, Etobicoke, and He’s always editors; however, any opinions expressed herein are those of the authors and North York, into one big city, and putting his foot not necessarily those of MathSoc or mathNEWS. Current and back issues of in his mouth or mathNEWS are available electronically via the World Wide Web at http:// then Mel Lastman was named www.mathnews.uwaterloo.ca/. Send your correspondence or money mayor of all of Toronto because it insulting peo- to: mathNEWS, MC 3041, University of Waterloo, 200 University Ave. W., needed a mayor and who else ple, but you Waterloo, Ontario, Canada, N2L 3G1, or on the Internet to: could do it? Nobody, that’s who.” know, it’s just [email protected] or call us at 888-4567 x6355. Uncle Earl. Did you know we have an ISSN? It’s 0705-0410, if you were interested. All “The problem Hank has,” characters in The Toronto Moon are made up except the dudes who aren’t. But his friend William Bolkam told us, “I mean, everything we say about them is made up, so it’s okay. Certainly nothing to go Mel is pretty around suing people over. And ignore all the copyright infringement too. “is that there has never been any- XAVIER 28 years old, never had other mayor. one running against Mel, so cool, like re- Thanks! Hope you like the issue. NEWS THE TORONTO MOON Friday, March 22, 2002 3 Alliance Makes Crucial Trade Local Man Goes 3 Tory Seats in Exchange For Future Concessions Laymond Rai Clark reacted with his usual About His Business Ottawa Bureau upbeat mood yesterday, touting TORONTO Resident George Skinner Chair Coffee House could be Alliance interim leader Rahim the trade as “one of the more pru- had a reasonably uneventful day missing $1500, his home had a Jaffer made the startling an- dent moves this party will have yesterday. relatively uneventful day too. nouncement today that his party to make to remain competitive as He got up at 7:20 (that was Sources report that he had left his will gain three seats for the rest a lean mean political machine.” the time on his alarm clock — 5 kitchen radio on, but it was shut of the political season in exchange Ottawa pundits are more minutes fast, as usual), show- off for him. His cat Miles spent for future considerations in the skeptical than those on Parliament ered, dressed, had two slices of the day eating and lounging with coming election. Hill. Speaking on CTVNewsNet toast, brushed his teeth, and left a brief bout of incontinence be- Speaking at the weekly Al- last night, political commentator his two-bedroom townhouse for hind the couch. liance press conference yesterday, Craig Oliver voiced concerns work shortly after 8:15. George decided to leave the Jaffer announced that Norman about the announced trade, and The route to his Bay Street office an hour and 12 minutes Doyle (St. John’s East), Loyola warned that Canadians should be office took us along a Queen later than usual. He is planning Hearn (St. John’s West), and Bill on guard for more trades in the streetcar, up the Yonge subway to visit his parents in Sault Ste. Casey (Cumberland-Colchester) short-term future. DOYLE & HEARN: Bringing line to Wellesley, and then above Marie this weekend and would will be traded to the Canadian “There has been immense extreme right policy to Newfies ground to his office building. like to leave early Friday. Mr. and Alliance Caucus later in the week pressure on Jaffer to pad his de- George, who works on the eighth Mrs. Skinner were also looking from the Atlantic PC Region. fence for this season. With the The current PC campaign floor, arrived at work ten minutes forward to the event as the last “Bill, Loyola, and Norman weak showing of ex-leader bus had been in use for over 20 before nine o’clock, pleased that time they had seen their “big city” will be excellent additions to the Stockwell Day in the past year, years, and saw action when Clark he was in before nine for the third son was for four days around cCRAP ... er, Alliance family, as they need to find veterans on the was running for Prime Minister day in a row. Christmas. They were unaware their previous work ethic has floor to stop those slap shots com- in the early 1980’s. The office building has lim- that he and long-time romantic proven. They will make an enor- ing from the other side of Parlia- The most recent incident ited security, and the hallway interest Susan Holmes broke up mous contribution to the Official ment. with the aging coach vehicle came ceiling tiles are easy to climb into, a month earlier. During a recent Opposition, letting us pursue the “However, Jaffer must not two weeks ago, when the trans- so I was able to observe George tapped phone conversation, goal of being Canada’s sound be rash in picking people too new mission of the bus disintegrated while he worked from spyholes George actually invented things mind and judgment.” or giving too many concessions. as it was being brought to a local made earler, I watched as he that he and Susan had done. Further disclosed in the Giving up their executive toilet body shop for a new coat of bright checked his inbox, responded to Cutting across Wellesley to- trade is Jaffer’s written commit- rights and even possibility pho- blue paint. messages, checked the news on wards Yonge Street, he stopped ment in the next election to Pro- tocopier rights in the official op- The trade still has to be ap- canoe.ca, and then continued into two shops, a flower store to gressive Conservative leader Joe position office may be caving in proved by the Governmental with his work where he had left purchase six daisies (Susan’s fa- Clark. Although yet to be de- to Clark a little too much.” Committee on Trade Oversight, off yesterday. vourite, purchased in a futile at- tailed, the conditions of the trade Sources close to Joe Clark headed by Defence Minister Art The Lotac Lighting account, tempt to cheer himself up) and a are rumoured to include the Al- have hinted that the PC leader has Eggleton. which he had acquired by recom- small grocery store to pick up a liance’s surrender of their cam- been considering the trade for the The approval is expected to mending his firm to family friend few items while I watched from paign bus, ice time on the St. past couple of weeks. He also come mid-week, when Eggleton Andre Lotac, needed some work the north side of the street. Lawrence Seaway in 2005, and seems to be extremely jubilant at returns from his four-day brief- as the store had lost several items The ride back to the Beaches the possibility of executive wash- the prospects of replacing the old ing by Canadian and US officials in a theft two weeks earlier. went smoothly, and from the van room privileges to be enacted campaign vehicle with the new on the latest action in the Middle The robbery, which was a across the street I was able to immediately. Alliance campaign bus. East. guise for finding more informa- monitor him both through sur- tion on Skinner, meant the loss veillance cameras and heat-sen- Alliance Rebels Vow to Never of about $400 worth of property sitive photography. He unpacked and some damage to display his groceries, had a small snack, items. George spent his morning and fussed about where to put looking into insurance and deal- the flowers before abandoning Reveal Secret Hideout ing with the police reports on the them beside the sink. siderable. Alternative methods of incident. He sat down to watch some Dantooine only a ruse persuasion led to the information For lunch, he and two co- TV, but as his brain implants in- OTTAWA The country-wide search at Dantooine, Saskatchewan dis- used for the raid at Dantooine. workers went to a Vietnamese dicated, he wasn’t particularily continues for the secret base of covered the remains of a Rebel Mr. Day has vowed zero tol- noodle restaurant, where George, interested. He looked out the win- the Alliance Rebels. Despite in- base, but it was estimated that it erance for dissent if he is re- feeling adventurous, tried the rare dow and took an interest in the tense pressure from party leader had been deserted for some time. elected as party leader. He has beef and vegetable soup. Not feel- unmarked van that had been Stockwell Day, the dissidents re- “I’ve asked my commander expressed disturbance over the ing too adventurous, he veered parked nearby for several weeks main strongly hidden. to carry out the search person- Party’s apparent lack of faith. away from the hot sauce, opting now. Faced with being discov- “They are members of the ally,” continued Day at a press Defiant Rebel Alliance mem- only for some soy when he was ered, our team decided to put him Alliance Rebels, and they are trai- conference. “There’ll be no one ber Deborah Grey cautioned Day almost finished. The bill was to sleep and erase his last five tors,” said a seething Day to re- to stop us this time!” about being too strict with his split three ways, putting George minutes of memory. porters yesterday. Earlier this week, Rebel leadership. up 78 cents. Feeling guilty, he With George sleeping A continued string of raids hostages were questioned on the “The more you tighten your threw an extra dollar into the tip. soundly now, he was taken up across the western provinces to location of the Rebel headquar- grip, Stockwell, the more MPs As he spent the remainder to his bed and his alarm was set find the Rebels has so far turned ters. Day stated that their resist- will slip through your fingers,” of his day either in meetings or for 7:00 am so that he could wake up fruitless. The most recent raid ance to the mind probes was con- Grey did say to Day. trying to figure out how Warm up for another typical day. THE MAN. THE MYTH. TRUDEAU. Nothing kills time BEGINS SUNDAY MARCH 31 like a mini-series 4 THE TORONTO MOON Friday, March 22, 2002 NEWS Saskatchewan Looking for Something Dick Cheney-bot Different Functioning Well REGINA Plagued by the constant have several other options for TEXAS After six months of con- teasing of the other provinces, flags, but the new colour scheme struction, operations, and up- Saskatchewan has finally broken is all bold, no holding back. We grades, the robotic replacement down and decided to change its want to see red, black, and for the American vice president image. metallics from now on.” appears to be fully functional. Premier Lorne Calvert has Donasen then yielded the Dick Cheney died of several tried to improve the image of his mike to Bryce Richards, who spe- simultaneous heart-attacks last province since taking over from cialized in landscaping. “People, September. His body was placed popular premier Roy Romanow, I don’t want to worry you, but in a cryogenic freeze chamber in but to no avail. Now, with a pro- the province is just a bit bland at an effort to preserve his brain CHENEY-BOT indicating COM4 vincial election looming in the the moment. We need mountains, while the robot version ap- port located behind right ear. future, he is trying to give Sas- lakes, and maybe some wild el- proached completion. One of katchewan a make-over Canada ephants to spruce the place up. President George W. Bush’s pri- The robot also appeared at won’t soon forget. We need natural attractions, and mary secret policies was the con- the gold-medal game in men’s ice “When I’m through with let’s face it, flat ain’t attractive.” struction of replacement androids hockey, but had to leave early as this province, Canadians will Emily Turner, Minister of for all high-ranking officials. an American loss would have stand up and say, ‘Hey, maybe Renovations and chair of the com- Once completed, the de- shorted out his patriotism chip. Saskatchewan is more than just mittee, then addressed the issue frosting brain was placed in the The robot then went in for repairs a province to drive through,’” he of national opinion. “We must TRAPEZOIDAL shell. President Bush insisted on for a week before testing “Press said with conviction. “I’ve assem- improve our image to the other using original brains since “no Conference Mode.” Not exciting enough? bled a task force to decide what provinces before we get reduced cybernetic neuro-net could accu- In the last month, the an- we can do to turn around the to the level of Newfies. Firstly, these changes from the Liberals rately capture my willy thoughts, droid Dick Cheney has run with province.” Calvert then intro- our capital doesn’t have a cool and the unknown-outside-of-Sas- uh hunh.” After a couple months minimal errors. During a visit to duced his team of five exterior enough name, so we’re going to katchewan Saskatchewan Party. of lab testing, the Dick Cheney- a Washington-area zoo it at- designers. move it to Saskatoon or SP leader Elwin Hermanson calls bot was ready for outdoor use. tempted to battle a zebra but was Sinclair Donasen spoke Funkitown. the provincial makeover “an out- His national debut occured stopped by a secret service officer first, “Well, first thing I want to “Next, the shape has got to rage and an insult to the proud in mid-February on the Tonight with an override remote control. say is that the green and yellow go. Even if we lose land to Al- people of the green and yellow.” Show with Jay Leno. Leno, who And while address the Senate it must go. These colours may have berta and Manitoba, we need to But Bryce just calls him “a silly was watched through sniper- fired a missile destroying Repub- been ‘hip’ when we entered Con- stop being referred to as ‘that rec- spoil-sport who wouldn’t know sights, asked exactly those ques- lican Policy Commission Chair federation in 1905, but it’s time tangle.’ And finally, the clashing colours if they sat on his tions that he was required to and Larry Craig. Neither incident to step into the twenty-first cen- Roughriders. It’s been done to face and called him Charlie.” the Cheney-bot succeed in basic caused alarm. tury.” Donasen then held up a death, so I recommend we call One positive find of the interaction. The only problem Added features on the new suggested new flag for Saskatch- them something more popular, committee was that the provin- was a small fire brought on by vice-presidencial robot include ewan which featured a jet-black like the Battalion, Inuits, or Li- cial flower, the tiger lily, was sparks from his ear during diffi- five times the lifting and crush- stallion, detailed in silver, stand- ons.” pretty cool and could remain the cult-to-predict commercial break ing power, replacable arms, and ing in a field of golden wheat. “We Opposition has arisen to same. banter. Astro Boy-styled rocket feet.

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pritzpritzpritzIMAGE IS NOTHING THIRST IS EVERYTHING OBEY OUR ADS NEWS THE TORONTO MOON Friday, March 22, 2002 5 moon New Businesses to Derive From Model Electronic Briefly Raymond Lai mented CTVNews’ Mike Duffy. “I on this one.” Moon Reporter ITCHY BLEMISHES PUZZLE mean, I thought this guy was The Commonwealth Coali- EDMONTON Alberta premier Ralph AUTHORITIES weird sometimes, but he’d better tion Against Bunny and Rabbit Election Klein has leaked information YARMOUTH be drunk this time because I fear Clubbing has denounced Premier A rash of cases of small, about a new business-revival pro- for the province if he conjured Klein’s plan to slaughter millions itchy blemishes on kids in nova gram to pull the Albertan up this ridiculous notion while of adorable little fluffy bunnies. Scotian elementary schools is economy out of its recent reces- Faulty he was sober.” The dangers of moving vehicles occurring. Officials are unsure sion. Toronto mayor Mel Last- and short life spans are worries what could be causing the out- During his weekly press The first round of elections for man was also quick to comment enough for the creatures. The break of skin problems and what briefing, Ralph Klein hinted at the the new leader of the provincial on the premier’s plan, “Even I’m Coalition is planning a protest the nature of the epidemic is. Au- new business incentive strategy Progressive Conservative party not insane enough to profit off and a camp-out in front of the leg- thorities are considering closing named, “The New F-conomy,” was marred with computer animal cruelty! Going bonkers islature building next Monday, schools until the problem clears that is focused on the mass pro- glitches and laughable problems. over Mike Harris is one thing, but one day after the official provin- up. If the blemishes are scratched duction and marketing of live Starting the election on Fri- Ralph has really gone off the cliff cial rabbit season opens. they seem to cause more to ap- bunny slippers. day, problems were noted early. pear. Officially are very puzzled. “At the rate rabbits repro- Several PC Party members were unable to log into the system be- MINI ARTICLES FOUND TO BE duce, Albertans must protect themselves (and their lawns) from cause of the confusing, rounda- BETTER THAN PULL QUOTES these vegetation-eating monsters,” bout way to access it. WATERLOO Recently, while laying said Klein in his weekly press “It was a real quest logging out a special edition of their pub- briefing at the Alberta Legislature. in from my PC,” explained card- lication, two mathNEWS editors “Seeing as we are going to go on carrier Paul Chang. “I appear to discovered that mini article are the offensive against this disturb- have a Conservative Password better than pull quotes for filler. ing trend of nature, why not cre- that I didn’t know about. I mean The pull quote, first intro- ate a few jobs and make a few I have a password for my local duced in 1907, has long been used million dollars while we’re at it? riding, who knew there was a to fill white space in newspapers, “I’m always out to hit two different one for the whole magazines, and even menus. The birds with one stone. This way, party?” mini article, usually around 100 we can hit multiple birds with But even among those who or 200 words long, is a popular half a stone, and still have two were able to reach the voting item. It is known in various dif- birds and a stone for dinner af- page, there were many people ferent newspapers as Briefly, In terwards!” a visibly excited Klein unable to cast a ballot because Brief, Sun Quotes, etc. told reporters. they were not considered voters. DUCK SEASON? Rabbit season! “This is such a silly situa- The two editor made their When asked why the unu- tion,” alliterated Penelope discover by first starting with sual name for the new business Cartwright. “I understand they many pull quotes all over the is- revival program, Klein responded had the national government gen- sue, but by the time it came to without hesitation, “Well, duh! Roll Up Downs Woman erate the list of eligible voters. late night and several mini arti- For years we’ve had a new e- What do they have to do with our cles had been written and lain conomy, so the natural progres- Greg Taylor help pay off the bill for that silly party elections?” out, most of the pull quotes were sion would be the next letter of Moon Reporter RIM Park.” The primary problem was gone. One of the editors said he the alphabet. Duh!” WATERLOO A local woman was When it was pointed out for those who successfully logged was going to investigate this fill- Although details of the F- taken into custody early yester- that Tim Hortons has run this in and were considered eligible ing matter further. He hopes to conomy Business Revival plan are day evening after she broke into contest annually for several years, by the voter list: all candidates find a definite proof of the supe- yet to be released, legislative one of the offices of local wire- Ms. Loope further admitted to were invalid. Besides the Ottawa- riority of the mini article in his sources close to the premier have less company Research in Motion only living in Canada for the past generated list, all five candidates post graduate work. hinted that the plan will involve and began rolling up the carpets eight months. “But this also ex- were running under short-form giving current rabbit hunters a with her teeth. plains why the border guard ac- names: LAST VICTIM IN CRUISE LINER license to hunt rabbits at will When asked what cepted ‘Rrrrroll up the rrrrrim’ in Bert (Ernie) Eves, Lizard- SINKING RELEASED during normal rabbit season, but prompted this bizarre behaviour, place of a valid Canadian pass- breath (Liz) Witmer, Benito (Jim) ST. JOHN’S they will be required to hand a the woman replied, “I’m hoping port,” Ms. Loope realized. “I It have been 90 years Flaherty, Clement (Tony) Clem- portion of the rabbits over to a to win a free coffee!” Further in- guess that, to be a true Canadian, since HMS Titanic sank in the ent, and Christobel (Chris) manufacturing facility managed vestigation revealed that Ms. Fruit you have to do a really good out- cold waters off Newfoundland, Stockwell. Thus, their names did by the province, where the car- Loope was attempting to partici- board motor impersonation. It’s and the last exposure victim has not appear in the list of eligible casses will be processed to cre- pate in the annual Tim Hortons such a shame, though ... I was finally been released from inten- candidate. ate ‘live’ bunny slippers for the “roll up the rim” contest; how- looking forward to trying a black- sive care. 95-year-old Marge Larch Upon learning about the nation. ever, she has trouble discerning berry donut.” was comforted by family and faulty election, the Newfound- Although many in the prov- capital letters. RIM is not pressing charges friend as she was tranferred to St. land legislature, who have no ince are reserving comments on “It all makes more sense to as there was no property damage; Albert’s retirement lifestyle com- jurisdiction over Ontario party their premier’s latest plan for eco- me now,” Ms. Loope agreed, once their security chief is more con- munity to finish her recovery. elections, decided to postpone the nomic revival, economic pundits the confusion had been sorted cerned with how Ms. Loope This is her first time outside of election. Fortunately, most of the around the nation are quick to out. “Though at the time, I just gained access. All he would say her life-support bubble since it PC party members had not left the criticize the eccentric premier’s figured that RIM and Tim at press time was, “I will not rest was invented in 1927. When province for Spring Break and the newest proposal. Hortons had negotiated some until I solve the mystery of the asked for comment she said it election was able to continue the “Is he drunk again?” com- kind of merger. You know, to Fruit roll up!” was damn cold in the ocean. next day. THE MAN. THE MYTH. LASTMAN. He’s a bad boy, not a BEGINS SUNDAY APRIL 7 nooo-body 6 THE TORONTO MOON Friday, March 22, 2002 NEWS Hershey Demands More McDonald’s Unveils Fifth Official Product-Loving Aliens McNugget Shape Bradley T Smith on REESES monkeys. They are Kevin Wan Min Kee McNugget. While each individual sentative, Sarah Missics. Moon Reporter interested in a SWEET ESCAPE Moon Reporter shape has its own merits, the “Tests for salt adhesion, Twenty years after E.T. was first with MOUNDS of chocolate-lov- Available as of April 15, “Slant” being particularly popu- sauce retention percentage, and released, Hershey has begun ing aliens.” McDonald’s restaurants will be lar with double dippers, heat dissipation have all been part openly requesting that movie stu- She continued, “Every offering Chicken McNuggets with McDonald’s is confident that the of the long road to bringing the dios write chocolate-loving aliens American, even the JOLLY a fifth official shape. Dubbed the Big Oh can hold its own. Big Oh to market.” into their films. RANCHER in Kansas, would “Big Oh,” McDonald’s claims that Upon purchasing the new McDonald’s refused to give Since E.T. the Extraterres- prefer that to going out to the new shape will finally bring McNuggets, consumers are en- an exact amount, saying only that trial, there have been very few EATMORE at a WHATCHA- an end to the fifty year drought couraged to close their eyes be- “billions and billions” had been movies involving aliens coming MACALLIT TWIZZLER? No, of new, tasty products. fore picking out their McNuggets spent in research cost for the Big to Earth and enjoying delicious Sizzler. If they could SKOR good “We’re really excited about so as not to “ruin the surprise.” Oh. products like Reese’s Pieces. The seat at a theatre, munch on some this product,” said McDonald’s McDonald’s claims that McDonald’s Research and only one of note is Evolution, in MILK DUDS or NIBS, and listen spokesperson Kyle Walkom. there has been a steady drop-off Development department has which the aliens reacted nega- to the sound system KRACKEL “The ‘Big Oh’ will really shake in McNugget consumption over long been heralded with many of tively to Head & Shoulders sham- as the lights dim for the next E.T., up our McNuggets line-up. Peo- the years. the worst food creations in mod- poo being inserted in them anally. then America would have some- ple can expect a whole lot more Fiascos such as the ‘mad ern history. With a track record “Gimme a break,” said a rep- thing to HUG and KISS about. variety from their McNuggets!” McNugget’ scandal of the 1980’s including such disgraceful inven- resentative from the complany, “So stop telling us WHOP- The new shape joins the have not helped sales. tions as the McPickle, the “When the employees at our PERS about your intensions, and four classic shapes that have not McDonald’s hopes to rekindle McFalafel, and the McEscargot, YORK factory on 5th AVENUE make a movie about an unworldly changed since the McNugget’s interest in the McNugget product one can’t be accused of expecting leave work on PAY DAY, they’re creature who loves ALMOND original product introduction. line with the upcoming launch. the worst from McDonald’s Re- looking for some good entertain- JOY, ZAGNUT, or ROLO! Creme With old favourites like the “Clas- “More than 5 years of work search and Development. The last ment to spend their POT OF Eggs Creme Eggs.” sic” and the “Italian,” Big Oh has has been put into the new de- successful product launch was in GOLD on. Maybe the SYM- She was then asked to leave some tough competition if it is sign,” stated McDonald’s Re- 1952, with the introduction of the PHONY or a GOOD BAR (like the when it was discovered that she going to be accepted as a true search and Development repre- Little Mac. KITKAT Club) is sufficient for a had placed subliminal messages minority, but most would just in the itinerary. GLOSSETTE over. Hershey is hoping to im- “They don’t want to see prove on their previous attempt Cure for Baldness Found something based on an OH to have such a movie created ing to him, “Hair came about in a a hats off is in order for the Cra- HENRY short story and want about 10 years ago, as the result Greg Taylor broad way. When the moon was nium team. As an encore, they ZERO to do with a documentary was Hudson Hawk. Moon Reporter Head researchers at the Cranium in the Seventh House and Jupi- are hoping to make headway in Institute are on top of a major ter aligned with Mars, we had the area of split ends. medical breakthrough, one that peace guiding the planets, and The scientists working on may put toupee storeowners out love steering the stars.” We later a peanut butter solution are still of business. They have recently discovered Mr. Druff was a bit of hoping to complete their project announced a revolutionary new a flake. However, regardless of even though the foolicle team procedure, designed to eliminate their methods, it would seem that came out ahead. baldness without the use of trans- plants. “Of course, we’re very excited about this,” declared Harry O’Hara, one of the research- ers. “We can finally give people their fair share of bare hair care.” The system involves replac- ing ‘hair follicles’ with ‘hair foolicles,’ devices constantly fooled into growing hair. Of course, there are some side ef- fects, such as the need to cut your hair every two hours in order to ET: THE EXTRATERRESTRIAL blended movies and Hershey avoid tripping over it and break- products like chocolate and peanut butter. Hudson Hawk (inset) ing your neck. However, the re- had characters named after candy bars but just sucked. searchers believe this is a small DONUT STORE CHAIN TO OPEN NEW DONUT SHOP IN ONTARIO price to pay. “For a long time, MISSISSAUGA Against all expecta- they have a big red sign that tells we’ve simply been letting our tions, the American donut store you when the shop is open,” said hair down,” Mr. O’Hara stated. chain, Tastee Toruses has decided another resident. “It was time to take some action! to opn a shop in Southern On- “Once that sign goes on ... And we haven’t been working on tario. voosh! Everybody in town will this merely because our research “This is great!” exclaimed be lining up! I wonder what their team is so follically challenged one resident, “They make the best donuts taste like. I bet they’re re- either — that’s a bald faced lie. I donuts! I’m going to go there ally tasty.” mean, so what if we’re a bit taller every day! When do they open? Tastee Toruses hasn’t de- than our hairlines?” Are they open now? No? Too bad. cided whether to open a second We tracked down another of Okay, see you later!” Canadian shop yet, but based on the researchers, Mr. Dan Druff, to Anticipation for the shop the excitement over a donut shop, ask about the inspiration behind has been strong everwhere. “I hear they probably will soon. their hair-brained idea. Accord- NEWS THE TORONTO MOON Friday, March 22, 2002 7 moon Briefly No Stojko Canada Post sues ex-Vice President BOYS CHOIR VOICES CRACK Dropping profits key to suit VIENNA During a concert Wednes- Game Yet Jason Lau increases in their salaries. The Upon knowledge of the day evening, over a third of the Moon Reporter strike in 1997 and the subsequent suit, Mr. Gore swiftly launched a RICHMOND HILL choir members of the Vienna Hoping to latch on In an unprecedented move, agreement left very few workers countersuit of his own. Citing that Boy’s Choir suddenly reached to the success of such games as Canada Post has filed a suit ver- richer. According to a survey by Canada Post has used the Internet puberty. Tony Hawk: Pro Skater and sus Al Gore, former U.S. Vice a man at the corner of Front and to provide more services and “It was the worst sound Shaun Palmer: Pro Boarding, President, and demands $10 bil- Yonge, 90% of mail delivered to- reach its customers, he asked the ever,” said Lady Fancenfott, a Elvis Stojko tried pitching an ice- lion in compensation for lost rev- day is commercial mail, 95% of Crown corporation for $25 bil- patron of singing little boys. “I skating video game based on him- enue. which are considered to be junk lion in royalties after they used have never seen so many boys get self to Neversoft. According to Canada Post’s by most people. the Internet without his permis- so awkward all at the same time. The company, interested in official data, while its revenue has “All people receive these sion. Canada Post’s website was And so horny!” merely repeating its games in increased in recent years, the cor- days are junk mail and bills, we launched in 1995 and Mr. Gore The choirmaster later admit- slightly different forms, consid- poration’s expenses have sky- need to give the public a better said that he has yet to receive a ted to injecting several of the boys ered the offer before asking Stojko rocketed. To combat the situation, image than the bearer of bad penny from Canada Post for us- with testorosterone earlier that to stop sleeping in the lobby. Canada Post issued 60 types of news. It would be great if we can ing his invention. day as a prank. “It’s not a complete loss,” specialty stamps to increase rev- launch a campaign to improve our The Toronto Moon had tried 3,694,820 JAILED IN CRACK the very old figure skater said, enue. However, the corporation image without any outside help to reach Mr. Gore for comments, CRACKDOWN “They have plans to create a game, still had a deficit last year. A at all, but with our financial situ- but he has yet to respond to our it just won’t bear my name. At ation, we need some financing calls. According to his spokesper- LOS ANGELES Almost 3,694,820 Canada Post official said that the least I can still petition them to from outside sources. Mr. Gore son, Fredrick Quimby, the former were arrested yesterday in Los corporation will issue other be a character.” He later con- brought forth most of our prob- Vice President is currently trav- Angeles, California. Police have specialty stamps this year. Possi- firmed that by “petition,” he lems, it’s only appropriate that he elling around the world, seeking finally cracked a huge drug- ble themes are the Hansen Broth- meant beg. repays some of what he earned,” reparation from computer scien- smuggling and urban-crime ring ers, Legends of Nortel, Memories Stojko’s game proposal, stated one Canada Post worker. tists for using the term al-gor- that seems to have involved eve- of Eaton’s, the Missisauga Ice which was based on Tony Hawk “After all, he has to have billions ithm. Those close to Al reveals ryone in the city. The remaining Dogs, and Joe Clark. 3, contained several levels of just for being the inventor of the that he is seeking in the neigh- local residents were pleased, say- The advent of the Internet play, including the ice rink, the Internet alone. And don’t get me bourhood of $100 billion. ing that now they could finally has slowed the growth of mail de- ice pond, the Olympic rink, the started on how much he has feel safe outside, even at night, livered and Canada Post has glacier, and a secret level: The earned in licensing rights and and get to work on time with the pinned the slowdown in growth 48 Meat Locker. Moves included Vice President’s salaries and Canada freeways completely empty. to Al Gore, the self-proclaimed various jumps (such as pikes, inventor of the Internet. perks.” RURAL SPRAWL STILL VISIBLE lutzes, and salchows), twelve dif- “These days all people Some observers say that ferent grabs, as well as spins and AULKLAND Despite the international write are e-mails. Who wants a Canada Post is suing Al Gore to balances. efforts to pave the planet and ur- warm, hand-written letter when hide incompetence and problems One of the weaknesses of banize all countries, rural sprawl you can receive mail as soon as balancing the their budget. They Stojko’s proposal was his refusal is still visible from major cities someone else sends one?” said a claim that Canada Post is just Hatcher’s empty net, to budge on the issue of inline in New Zealand. Canada Post employee. “Why looking for a scapegoat, but Game 2, 1999 Finals skating. According to Neversoft New Zealand, along with a would any one order a catalogue Canada Post says that’s not the president Kelly Slater, “Elvis handful of other nations, refused when you can see everything in case. “We are not doing this to didn’t like the idea of having any COLLECTABLE STAMPS to sign the Texas accord promis- it with a click of a mouse?” mask our troubles in managing such on-land events, despite the fact ing to reduce outdoor space and Since 1995, Canada Post the books,” claimed one high-level as Mediocre Goals in Hockey that they would allow for more increase the quantity of pave- employees have had only small Canada Post official. History, aren’t selling well. variety in the terrain. I mean, the ment. Several pavement compa- first six levels he suggested were nies are calling the allowance of entirely flat!” farms so near Aukland a threat Stojko, a known inline- tantamount to treason. skating hater, refused to comment British prime minister Tony on the issue. He did, however, Blair is expected to visit New Zea- say that a game “shouldn’t be en- land and complain in mid-April. tirely about how many heel flips A NEW MINI MINI you can perform off a trailer, but OXFORD Work is finally done on the should consider your technical new mini. From BMW and the and artistic merit too.” their plant in Oxford comes the Following last month’s Win- latest sensation in remaking a car ter Olympics, interest in ice skat- from the past. A new mini which ing has increased 27%. Neversoft We see a family of squirrels splattered across is as small as ever. Guess what plans to release some related game the road after being hit by a Mack truck. you can get in one today. in the near future, although they That’s right they are being re- haven’t announced any of the leased in Canada today. So why proposed characters yet. A Pro Inline-Skater may also be in the Really negative guys ... are you still reading this mini-ar- who fix cars. ticle? Go buy one! It will be trendy works for Neversoft. soon! At least that’s what the A test version will likely be STOJKO marketing tells us included in the game. He’s not happy with those results. THE MAN. THE MYTH. CAMPBELL. May as well do all the BEGINS SUNDAY APRIL 14 prime ministers 8 THE TORONTO MOON Friday, March 22, 2002 SCIENCE, ADVICE, AND HOROSCOPES NASA Scientists Decide to Discover Tenth Planet Bradley T Smith on moons, explained why a plan- attempt to win back the hearts of new system. A curse on those sci- Moon Reporter etary discovery is more important amateur astronomers.” He hopes entists, a curse!” She then wan- Probes SYDNEY In a press conference yes- than a lunar discovery: to make something as simple as dered off crying. terday, members of the science “Folks don’t care as much spotting a big rock in space ap- Dr Chou looks forward to community announced their about moons as planets. They pear accessible to everyone with making the discover of a tenth Uranus plans to discover a tenth planet make an intriguing study, but just a $4000+ telescope. planet. “What would make it re- within our solar system. don’t capture the imagination like Not everyone is excited ally special is if the planet had a HOUSTON In late breaking news “There have been lots of a planet. Remember Superman? about the announcement though. cute quirk to it. Pluto has a funky from the Jet Propulsion Labratory, breakthroughs in the last decades, They called the paper the Daily The Mneumonic Composing Cen- orbit, Neptune’s rings go over the NASA has announced its suc- what with the planets in neigh- Planet because that’s cool.” He tre (MnCC) is worried about how poles, and Uranus has that whole cessful probing of Uranus with bouring solar systems and all,” then apologized when reminded the order of planets will be re- anus thing. I hope this one is cool, its Advanced Neutron Accelera- explained scientist Dennis Chou, who was interviewing him. membered if a tenth is found. like has spikes or is a cube, or tion Lander. “but nothing grabs people’s atten- He continued, “In the last “‘Man Very Early Made Jugs maybe has life on it ... that be neat tion quite like a new planet in the 25 years, several moons, includ- Stand Upright Nearly Perpen- too. But what’s really important Send more A.N.A.L. solar system.” ing Pluto’s Charon, have been dis- dicular’ is difficult to append to,” is we’ll finally have ten planets, He went on to describe the covered, but nobody gives a said mneumonic author Gillian until we need more funding.” probes to Uranus public’s fascination with Pluto damn. Did you know Saturn has Maybert. And what if they find when it was first discovered: over 300 moons? Or that Jupiter one called Odysseus between NASA reports that the “My father has sat me down sev- has one the size of Jupiter? Ex- Uranus and Neptune? We’ll have A.N.A.L probe finally reached the eral times and described the fabu- actly, nobody cares about moon to move to something like ‘ My elusive nether-region of the sys- lous celebrations that went on discoveries. Why did I go into Violent Ego Makes Justice Swift tem around 5:00 am EST, so most when Pluto was named the ninth this dead-end field?” He then Unlike Our Naked Police!’” of the country was asleep when planet. He said an international wandered off crying. Astrologers are also unim- the probe entered Uranus. “This holiday was declared, and peo- In the last 70 years, scien- pressed with the decision. Maria is a big day for deep space prob- ple just danced for three days tists have focused more attention Colcik, a crazy gypsy claims that ing,” the director of NASA was straight. I don’t know, things were outside the solar system, but now a new planet “will unbalance the quoted as saying that “the tech- NEW PLANET? different in 1930.” they plan to look inward. Dr. stars and make all lives unpre- nology developed during this mis- Kyle Gowanlock, an expert Chou describes the effort as “an dictable until we come up with a Nope, it’s barely moon-sized. sion will help us send more A.N.A.L. probes to Uranus.” Public support has been divided on whether Uranus Ask Colonel Sanders, Moon Advice Columnist needs to be probed with such ex- pensive tools for which the tax Dear Col. Sanders, Dear Unloved Meat, your health and his. He should know that payers gets the bill. NASA I desperately need It sounds to me like your husband although he may crave that juicy, fleshy, spokesperson Colin Rectonio re- your advice. My husband has already been satisfying his appetite greasy, down-right bad (but delicious) piece plied, “We can’t take advice on keeps complaining that elsewhere. How else would he know of meat, he mustn’t give in. After all, a feast deep space exploration from my thighs aren’t thick that crispy skin, thick meaty thighs, and with this kind of animal could give the poor every person who doesn’t know enough, my skin isn’t juicy — not fatty — breasts are the most man to a heart attack! Uranus from a hole in the ground. crusty enough, and my desirable? He’s been getting meat from I think it’s time you heat up your oven So permitting the funding from breasts are too fatty. I’m so someone else’s oven! for some other finger lickin’ appreciative Congress, we shall continue to afraid I’m going to lose him This man should know you work man and kick this greasy mongrel to the probe deeper and more often into to someone who can pro- hard stuffing and massaging and greas- curb. Sincerely, space.” vide him with all his finger ing up for him ... you use my secret sea- Colonel Sanders The next probe A.N.A.L. 2 lickin’ desires. Please help soning with eleven herbs and spices, is set to enter Uranus when the me! right? He should know those skinny P.S. Remember, if it’s not finger lickin’, next window opens in another Unloved Meat in New York thighs imply you’re watching out for it’s just not good. 18 months. The Moon and its Astrological Influence on You Sagittarius Shannie on inside you. It is, in a way, bucks. Words of caution: fertility Geminis should take this ers. Moon Astrologer only your hidden personality. is higher when the moon is in time to think with their heart in- Sagittarians should use In astrology the moon is second The moon changes signs approxi- Cancer. Be careful! stead of with their head. this time to channel their opti- in importance to the sun’s influ- mately every two and a half days. On the 24th the moon Cancers should try not to mistic energies down a creative ence. The moon plays an impor- If you would like to know your moves into the sign of Leo. You get overly emotional — just get path. tant role because it influences our moon sign, visit: will find people seem to want a over it and take the time to use Capricorns, the opposite emotions and internal self. Not goddess.astrology.com/ lot more attention then usual and your creativity to the fullest! sign to Cancer, should try some- only is the moon an influence in moon/signs.html. That all are a little more self-indulging Leos should pay a little thing new and different. astrology but it also governs the being said, let’s look at where the will be going on. Take the time to more attention to family and The innovative sign of tides, fertility (yes, there are times moon is today and how that in- do something you have really friends and less time looking in Aquarius should take the moon’s when you definitely want to be fluences you. wanted to do! This would also the mirror. But you should also Cancerian power of creativity to more careful), menstruation (guys The moon moved into its be a good time to put into action put your passions into action. new limits and find something so cringe now; girls, your periods home sign of Cancer starting on that creative idea you came up Virgos, get away from your different and new something can be a lot nicer if you work it the 21st. This is a time when peo- with. computer! You need to work less that has never been done before! to come whenever there is a new ple become a lot more emotional, For all of you Aries this and enjoy time with others. And finally, Pisces, you moon — next one is April 12th), moody, critical, and possessive. could be a good time to speak how For Libras, this is a great want romance more than ever the moon can even influence the This is not a time to ask to bor- you feel instead of showing it. time for love! You should plan during this time. But instead of rate of occurrence of crime. row something or ask for a favour. For those born under the something romantic and enjoy the keeping your head in the clouds By looking at your moon Yet, it is a time when imagina- sign of Taurus this is a great time moon in Cancer. you may want to try to find what sign you can find out a lot more tions are at their peak. You may to speak your mind instead of just This is a good time for path in life will make you the about yourself. It can help you to come up with a really good idea doing things to make others Scorpios to use their powers of most happiest and follow it! truly understand what is going that could make you a million happy. deep understanding to help oth- That’s all for this week! OPINIONS THE TORONTO MOON Friday, March 22, 2002 9

WHAT IS IT WITH KIDS Too Many Newspapers THESE DAYS? Dear Editors: Bradley T Smith WHAT IS it with kids these days? You can barely turn around in this city without having another news- And how about the price of gas paper blow across the street in front of you. Why do we feel the need anyway? When I was young, it to have so many papers telling the same stories from the same view only cost ten bucks to take the point? Do we really hate trees that much? steamliners across the ocean. Toronto never seems to know how many information sources it Sure there is inflation, but what needs. Remember the Telegram? Neither do I. It folded sometime is that really? Sounds like some around when I was born. How about the Toronto Mail? Another trick or a commie ploy to make Toronto paper, but it’s been gone for a hundred years now. us spend more on gas and bread. So why now, with online media, do we feel the need to launch And another thing: bread today. two more papers? It’s easy to say that it’s all because Rupert Murduck I remember when we just had is a greedy bastard, but people are still buying these papers. white and brown. Now we have It has to do with prestige. A big city has two newspapers, but a all this multigrain and marble. I really big city has an enormous number of regular papers. New York, mean, really, how many grains for example has the NY Times, the NY Post, the Wall Street Journal, are there? And what about farm- and Newsday as its key papers. Then you have the Daily Bugle and ... and this rate of increase should continue ers today? I remember when they the Daily Planet providing information to super heros. for the next twenty years! did an honest 20 hours days And how many newspapers does London have? I can only work, got little return, and were think of six off the top of my head, but I recall seeing a wall of perfectly happy. My father was a newspapers in a variety store in Soho. farmer and he never complained In order to compete on the world stage of information, Toronto when he was losing all his seems to believe it needs the Star, the Sun, the Moon, the Daily money and had to sell all his land Planet, the Metro Daily, and the majority of the focus from the Na- L E T T E R S T O E D I T O R S to his uncle Jimbo. tional Post and the Globe and Mail. But I don’t believe that idea. We What is with kids these just need better quality. Which is why I’m calling for a contraction of days? All these fancy pants dia- the Toronto Newspaper League. HARDLY MOONSHINING SHAMEFUL SHAM pers they get. When I was a kid I was lucky to get a cloth to crap The TNL has overexpanded. It’s time to start letting some news- Dear Editors: Dear Editors: into. Now you can get designer papers go. Not to be mean, but the Sun and Metro Daily must go. AS AN 80 year old woman I’m very THIS letter is in response to last Huggies or something. And what They’re the league’s weak end. Next, Murduck’s Daily Planet, and disgusted at the insistence of week’s editorial about self-pleas- about spleef, why haven’t they maybe even the National Post too. After that, we could still do with your otherwise fine newspaper to ure and kittens; I would like to legalized it yet? I tell you nothing cutting the Star. While we’re at it, let’s fold the Globe and Mail too. continue publishing those gawd- say wait a minute! There was help medically reduce the pain There. That leaves The Toronto Moon. Good. awful Moonshine Girls. First of no issue of The Moon last week. like a nice long drag. all, they are dang ugly. When I What the heck! This entire thing What is with all the kids was growing up in the 1920s, I is a sham, a SHAM I tell you! these days? Going off and declar- was a Moonshine Girl, and let me This is the first issue. And who The Breathing Tax ing wars on concepts and not tell you, the girls today know knows if there will be another countries. War on Terrorism? Raymond Lai nothing about what it’s really like. one! This is all a big SHAM! What is that, some place near They are just pretty faces. They Ann Oyed, Mississauga Without a doubt, London has to be at the forefront of finding new Zimbabwe? It is just an excuse don’t understand the true mean- ways to drill holes into citizens’ wallets. Most recently, the English for the commies to test out their ing of being a Moonshine Girl. capital brought into legislation a £5 levy on daily use of the con- ANNOYING NEIGHBOURS war tactics. And another thing The long hours, the fear of being gested downtown roadways. Dear Editors: what about all these damn pret- busted, and living in the back- London’s lord mayor blames high traffic in and around the city I LIVE next door to a group of York zel place showing up every- woods of Sarnia. But the returns center for the new tax, which he claims will greatly reduce traffic University students, and I am where, how much damned were great! while promoting London’s already overworked and horrid public really frustrated with their behav- franchising can we take? I once saw Al Capone. I transport system. iour this term. Almost every night What is with kids these know it was Al Capone. He Needless to say, people still drive in London. Nothing is really the lights at their house are off days and all that purple hair and smiled at me. That was the hap- going to stop them except for the fact that our English cousins may before midnight! There hasn’t stuff? When I was kid we never piest day of my life. And today, find themselves eating crackers and water instead of fish and chips. been a party at that house for over did anything like that and we there’s none of the camaraderie We have a similar problem here in Toronto, but the monster is a year! I’m telling you, these girls grew up fine. I tell you this world that was always there with us, not the normal day-to-day traffic at our downtown core. True, one are nerds. is going to hell in a What was the original Moonshine Girls! can get run over fairly easily, but our excellent health-care system Two years ago there were I talking about again? Ethel Green, Beachwood Retire- takes care of that. cute university boys coming in Pokey McGivens, Bowmanville Our ‘monster’ is Smog. Each summer is a two-month long per- ment Center/Insane Asylum and out of that house like it was petual smog warning. We must find a way to stop it. That is why we a brothel. Nowadays, I don’t think THE TORONTO MOON must take a cue from our British colleagues and do what Canadians A ROUGH SUBJECT any of them are even trying to find TORONTO’S OTHER OTHER VOICE do best: Steal other people’s ideas and call them our own. Dear Editors: men. Just too studious. I would BRADLEY T SMITH, Dictator-in-Chief I’d call it The Breathing Tax. During the summer months, city IT IS TIME that someone spoke up like to see a bylaw allowing neigh- council will notify and charge downtown workers a certain fee, let’s about the horrible toilet paper that bours to veto nerdy renters. ALBERT O’CONNOR, Mini Dictator say $5 a day, to breath downtown air. Not only will it dramatically is used in government run insti- Carolyn Cougar, Toronto reduce the amount of cars on the road (drivers will have to pay a tax LINDA CARSON, Puzzle Master tutions, such as universities, ANTON FEDORENKO, Contributor too), but it will also ease the congestions on busy sidewalks. schools, hospitals, military bases, WHERE YOU AT, BABY? Front Street will no longer have taxis driving sideways, and BRIAN FOX, Contributor and so on. The toilet paper at RAYMOND LAI, Contributor Yonge and Bloor will be kept perpetually clean. Just think of the Dear Editors: these places is extremely thin and WHY AIN’T JASON LAU, Contributor benefits! you calling me anymore? very rough. Was there something wrong, IAN MACKINNON, Contributor Of course, there must be “Breath Free Zones” where people MARGARET MCCARTHY, Proofreader I think those government honey? I knows we can work this catch their breath before the next leg of their speed dash to their people up in Ottawa should SHANNON MURRAY, Contributor offices, but it would still make pedestrian traffic go much smoother. out, but you gotta come back ALBERT O’CONNOR, Contributor think about the asses of the com- home, baby, your son’s all won- Just imagine: the view from our air-conditioned offices down to the mon people down here once in a BRADLEY T SMITH, Contributor dering where his papa’s at. Call GREG TAYLOR, Contributor / Artist sidewalk will look something like fast-forwarding a video cassette of while and give us better funding me when you get this message. MATT WALSH, Contributor people walking. for toilet paper. There will be opposition, but there must be tough love if we Sheryl Teasbrook, Scarborough KEVIN WAN MIN KEE, Contributor Joe Kupchak, Downsview LISA ZORZITTO, Contributor are to combat lazy walkers and Sunday drivers on our streets. 10 THE TORONTO MOON Friday, March 22, 2002 ENTERTAINMENT

STAR WARS II Milla Jovovich to Feature with the safeties off STAR WARS III in RESIDENT EVIL Trailer WHAZZ South Park Benefit Concert Pushes Cartoon Logic Too Far for the Hearing Impaired Bradley T Smith Trey Parker are plotting to over- eries from ACME take 6-8 weeks, OAKLAND With nearly 100 000 con- “Those ear-plugs are the best two Moon Reporter throw this universal story. The up?up?and now this?!? The show cert-goers dancing in the rain, the bucks I’ve ever spent.” In a highly controversial episode episode will introduce Sal, a should be taken off the air.” first ever Hearing-Aid concert Hammer was especially airing this weeekend, South Park, hard-working but ignorant cat, The Simpsons creator, Matt was a deafening success. The in- moved by the sentiment of the the cartoon known for going be- and Zeke, a plucky, baseball-cap- Groening, is also disgusted by ternational day long festival fea- concert. “We’re going to dedicate yond the boundaries of what is wearing blue mouse, who ap- South Park’s upcoming episode: tured the loudest and most bass- our next album to the hearing- acceptable for television, will do pears to be an NRA member. “Those idiots! What do they laden bands from around the impaired. It’s going to be called the unthinkable: Have a cartoon Kenny and Kyle become huge fans think Itchy and Scratchy are a world. ‘Pardon?’” mouse kill a cartoon cat. of the show, often imitating the satire of? I created that pair in Both the young and old Concert attendees were From the begin of time, man- violence they see on TV, until order to spoof the concept of an hearing impaired were able to equally optimistic about the at- kind’s imagination has been cap- indestructable cartoon character. enjoy the good vibes of the con- mosphere of the festival. tured by the idea of an immortal What need is there for others to cert despite the misty rain and “I have never felt music this cat who is constantly killed by beat the horse I killed and beat? fog that kept most people from loud,” shouted one concert-goer, its traditional prey. Early cave That’s a metaphor!” seeing the stage and performers. Matt Loop. “I had to take off my paintings in northern Spain in- Even the AOCCF (American Concert organizer Anne Ville was clothes and dance around in the dicate that 1.6 million years ago, Orange Cat Cartoon Federation) not at all distraught by the poor mud. It only made sense.” Loop people of caves were drawing is upset. “You will never see weather and lack of visibility. proceeded to continue to prance primitive cartoons depicting SAL PREPARES FOR THE END Heathcliff or Garfield dying from “We’re doing everything we around in the slick mud. themselves as perpetual victor No mousy, that’s a bad mousy! obvious mortal wounds. We en- can to make this the most audi- “Thank goodness for the over a sabre-tooth cat, who would courage all people to boycott the ble concert for everyone in- fog,” said another concert-goer. always return in the next paint- Zeke kills Sal (rather gruesomely) episode and maybe kill Matt volved,” said Ville. “All the bands The Hearing-Aid music fes- ing, even after being and the kids learn their lesson. Stone and Trey Parker,” said their are playing as loud as they can. tival was held in conjunction disemboweled or eaten. “This death of a cat is out- press release regarding the South There are even woofers in the with the ‘Look-but-don’t-touch’ The traditional continued in rageous in cartoon format,” said Park episode. port-a-potties.” art show benefit for the visually Europe and developed independ- a representative for Sylvester at Stone and Parker have not Bands involved with the impaired. ently in cultures around the Warner Brothers. “I counted, and made any remarks regarding the event, such as Blow Ya Spekas world, as visible in Egyptian cat they killed him forever on the opposition to the episode. They and Bleeding Ears, were extremely worship, ancient Japanese folk- sixth time no respect for the only ask that people watch the enthusiastic about the opportu- lore, and in the oral tradition of nine-lives rule of thumb.” show with an open mind and a nity to share their bass and the Cree people of North America. When asked for comment, closed mouth. rhythm with a new audience. Even in science, we can see outraged Tom and Jerry cartoon- The controversial episode Some bands even ventured to call in the work of Schrodinger, the ists said, “First that conjoined will also feature a side plot in- the noise ‘music.’ electron, or “mouse,” will always twin, next Chef walks off a cliff volving Stan cutting his wrists “It’s not every day that we’re kill but not kill the cat. and falls before he can look down, and Cartman being sodomized in encouraged to play as loud as But now Matt Stone and then their wolf character’s deliv- the ear by a moose twice. possible,” said Stirrup, lead BLOW YA SPEKAS singer of the band Hammer. Band gets ready to rumble ADAM SANDLER TO PLAY TITLE NATIONAL BLACK HISTORICAL LotS Not as Popular as Hoped CHARACTER IN MOVIE POETRY MONTH Kevin Wan Min Kee search of the perfect match for poorly done,” comments Bob, an HOLLYWOOD Adam Sandler, who OTTAWA An agreement has finally Moon Reporter himself (Liz the Sock, played by avid Sock follower. “For one played Happy Gilmore and Billy been reached between Black His- Katie Holmes calls it bold and Holmes) and must frequently thing, Ed would never use a Maddison in Happy Gilmore and tory Month, also known as Feb- Hugh Jackman calls it adventur- match wits with his adversary the pickup line unless it was rude. Billy Maddison will be playing ruary, and National Poetry ous. The feature length movie Spartan Sock (played by And that girl was definitely not Mr. Deeds in the up-coming Month, April. debut of Ed the Sock has been Jackman) while defending the Ed’s type. She actually admitted movie Mr. Deeds. The deal involves co-opera- heralded as the next big thing by babes of the country. to listening to pop music!” Sandler, most famous for tion on a National Black Histori- many. Writer and director Rick Bob has since given up being the waterboy in The cal Poetry Month, to be held every However, once past the ini- Temp blames the lacklustre box- wearing socks. Waterboy, said he was very ex- March. “That way we get 2 tial crowds of 10 and 20 people office performance in part on the Temp is quick to defend his cited about this movie, in which months to spread our material lining up to see the Lord of the reluctance of the general public work, stating that Ed the Sock was he plays an average guy who gets over ... and people won’t get Socks: The Return of the Spar- to try something new. highly supportive throughout the really rich then makes out with bored during March,” said the tan at each of the three theatres “It’s not every day you have film making process. Winona Rider. “This will make chair of the NBHPM committee. showing the film in Toronto, the the opportunity to watch an hour “He never rode up on my up for when I was the big daddy George Elliott Clarke, the film’s massive popularity seems and a half of sock puppetry,” says nerves and he never sagged about in Big Daddy and Little Nicky in only known African-Canadian to have tapered off. Temp. “And this particular sock the set either. Everyone was re- Little Nicky,” he said. writer of historical poetry, has Lord of the Socks tells the puppet has green hair and really ally gung-ho the whole time.” Rumours say that he will been asked to tour Canada read- story of Ed’s troubled departure digs blondes.” Meanwhile, Ed the Sock next play the title character in a ing from his Governor-General‘s from the washing machine where Ed the Sock purists have has moved on to his next film movie about a sweet guy who just Award-winning Execution Poems. he is separated from the rest of argued that the movie is not up project, Sock Wars: A New wants to take care of his grandfa- Negotiations with Interna- the laundry. Ed then adventures to Ed’s normal standards. Stench, due to open in theatres ther and make out with Rachael tional Women’s Week are continu- across the Canadian landscape in “The love scene is very in 2003. Leigh Cook. ing. ENTERTAINMENT THE TORONTO MOON Friday, March 22, 2002 11 Coming Soon to a NOW SHOWING: 40 Days and 40 Nights In The Bedroom Quad Room 314. Something un- A Computer Scientist (Josh The film follows a student tak- clean. Something evil. Watch as Television Near You Hartnett) from the University of ing CS 452: Real Time program- pure evil tries to adjust to dorm Waterloo, after failing to prove ming. It is nothing but ninety life: booze, parties, pot, keggers, caused him to give up this lucra- Jason Lau that P=NP or solve the Halting minutes of a camera pointing at “power hour,” panty raids, and Moon Reporter tive job, but we intend to find out. Problem, gives up using comput- an empty bed that never gets slept all the other things. Mila Jovovich We now go to the other end is a show we’ve all been waiting ers for Lent. Hilarity ensues. in. (2/5) stars as Evil’s love interest. (2/5) of the country to introduce the for. Jumping ship seems to occur (3/5) The Lord of The Rings: The Time Machine next jumper. He was a owner of rather frequently in Canada. It is A Beautiful Mind Fellowship of the Ring A touching story of a man who only a matter of time before some- a small business and was very Tara Reid stars as Julie, a whole- builds a time machine, goes back one from this country makes a TV popular in parts of Vancouver From the makers of Sex and the some, All-American, cheerleader in time, and attempts to have sex show about this phenomenon. Island. He gave quality service to City comes this story of a tall and from Iowa who has become a with his own mother in order to Renowned television producer his customers even though he handsome stranger who doesn’t frosh in the Math Faculty at the become his own father and poke Mark McDermot is currently could not provide much. One fear commitment. Quite the op- University of Waterloo. She must a few holes in temporal para- shooting a program that features day, it all change. He sold his posite — he wants to marry eve- struggle to pass MATH 135 and doxes. (1/5) prominent people who had left a business to a giant competitor so ryone. See whether he chooses find romance. Watch for yours rocking ship to look for calmer he could become a member of the Arwen (Liv Tyler) and whether truly in a supporting role as a waters elsewhere. He has re- board. The decision gave him a he will succumb to the power of wise-cracking yet sensitive cruited the best and the brightest huge windfall, but many of his the Wedding Ring. (4/5) upperclassman intent on helping Men with Brooms Princeton, BC has to offer and the customers were disappointed Julie pass school and learn life’s people featured will all be in- and angry at him. Little did he The story of the brave custodial lessons. Katie Holmes and Jessica stantly recognizable. know, the company he joined service personnel at a world fa- Alba star as twins who also need The broadcast schedule re- had many problems and the com- mous university. See how they to pass Classical Algebra and mains a secret, but sources close pany was trounced by its main handle life’s little adversities, and need my help. Russell Crowe is to Mark have informed The competitor in a recent price war. come together to win a prestig- the mean professor. This one’s TIME MACHINE I assure you, my Moon that many famous public He is now in the backstage, but ious janitorial tournament. A rated NC-17. (5/5) very well done Canadian film. dear, our physical similarities figure will be featured. To protect has vowed to return. Will his are merely coincidental. the identity of all those involved former customers follow him (4/5) Resident Evil Moon Reviews by the guests were not referred by now? name. The preceding was just a Something is moving into North Anton Fedorenko Despite this, we have gath- sampling of what we can expect ered enough information to in- to see, according to McDermot. form you, the public, on who will We will see the above and many be featured. One of the first will others who tried to jump ships be recognized by all. He spent a before long. Well, as soon as he good part of the 80’s as a power- can find someone who will broad- BEAUTIFUL MIND I’ll do ful member of a giant firm in Ot- cast the program. So far, all the anything to pass this class. tawa. Then he bolted to France major networks have rejected his Black Hawk Down where he enjoyed a few years of program, but McDermot remains You know those big black birds “vacation” in the great city of optimistic. “The public will get who don’t let you sleep in with Paris. On his return, he led a cam- to see this one day on television, their screaming? Even when paign so successful that his dream even if it is on CPAC,” proclaimed you’ve got a massive hangover? came true, for a few hours any- McDermot. Well Josh Hartnett and Ewan way. He also had a few confron- McGregor are finally doing some- tations with the biggest broker TLC TO RUN VIRUSWARS thing about it. (3/5) west of the St. Lawrence. He is BOSTON The Learning Channel has currently away from public eye, just signed a contract with the but his image remains clear in BBC ensuring them exclusive most minds across the land. rights to the hit British show Also featured will be the VirusWars. head man for a company in New- Two dozen or so attractive, Kristel Chandie’s foundland in the late 90’s. Then marginally interesting people live Moonshine Boy he saw a great opening in the na- in a controlled environment DIRK, 27, is a tion’s capital and he took the next which rival teams of scientists technical assistant plane out of St. John’s to fight for have seeded with their viral crea- 40 DAYS I can’t code ’til Easter. from Barrie who it. He beat out many challengers tions, and the viewers at home Want to see Black Hawk Down? watch the two products of genetic for the gig. Many people think Crossroads enjoys attending that there is a great future for him engineering compete and infect sporting events Britney Spears, who is not a girl, in his current business. Then, to the hosts. The controversy is and long runs on everyone’s surprise, he left his whether the York-sponsored not yet a woman, has to make a cushy post and went home. Some team's "Red Baron VI" should be life altering decision — whether the beach, naked. reports say he made the decision counted as a champion and ad- to marry N’SYNC singer Justin For those curious, because some tree mesmerized mitted to the next round when it Timberlake or a mathNEWS yes, he does need him during the holiday season. killed all of its hosts during the staffer. The surprise ending will both hands. No one knows what really second episode. leave you wanting more. (5/5) THE MAN. THE MYTH. HERCULES. Featuring 7 hours of BEGINS SUNDAY APRIL 21 Kevin Sorbo 12 THE TORONTO MOON Friday, March 22, 2002 BUSINESS

Toronto Sock Exchange (TSE) Summary Black socks up: +1.63 Tube socks down: -0.04 Unwashed, 4 year-old gym socks: no change +0.32 -0.64 @BIZNIZ moon data Anti-MS Virus Welcomed by Corporations Compression Microsap virus because the virus Johnathan Abdul Raffer, “but EA SPORTS CO-OP JOB ACTUALLY Saves thousands in migration costs doesn’t actually do any harm. since every Microsoft product REDMOND A virus unleashed last their website earlier in the week NOT THAT GREAT “The FBI is, however, ex- since Windows 3.0 has had the week that targets all versions of warning of the virus, but VANCOUVER tremely concerned at the counter- potential to mass destroy data Contrary to popular Microsoft operating systems is amended their warning to a rec- virus Microsoft is putting out to and we cannot force Microsoft to belief, the opportunity to work for being hailed as revolutionary and ommendation for all network ad- fight Microsap, mainly because it release more stable code, we can EA Sports in British Columbia is is saving tech companies thou- ministrators to run the virus. threatens the everyday consum- only warn the public about this not that awesome. “I was coding sands in dollars in migration Microsoft spokesperson ers’ data,” says FBI Field Agent new patch.” almost the whole time I was costs. Jenna Humphrey has stated that there,” said Kevin Peng, a Uni- Microsap.jpg.vbs, a Visual Microsoft is providing a counter- versity of Toronto computer en- Basic script that has been roam- virus to revert infected systems gineer. “I totally thought that we ing the halls of the Internet for to their original operating system, Canada 4000 would just be testing their games the past week, attacks the kernel but their patch is not without for four months.” of any Microsoft operating sys- flaws. Apparently, even those tem, renders it useless, and cre- “While Microsoft values the Starts, Ends Service working in quality assurance are ates a Linux kernel in its place. business and the data our cus- disappointed with their positions Surprisingly, this virus not only tomers have on their systems, our MISSISSAUGA Canada 4000 is the Meanwhile, in India, the as game tester. Said one Waterloo doesn’t destroy the target compu- patch does not guarantee the in- newest Canadian airline, and the passengers are wondering what co-op student, “The pre-release ter, it leaves it better off by tegrity of any files that are left on most recent to fold under the al- to do about getting home. Sandra versions of their games are too reconfiguring the system for the infected systems. In fact, most, if mighty power of Air Canada. and Chet Toledo are less than im- buggy to be fun.” Linux operating system. not all, files created after the sys- The company was formed pressed with the situation. “We HYPER COMPU GLOBAL MEGA NET tem was infected will likely be in mid-January and purchased a paid for a round trip and the com- CLOSES DOORS Recommending net destroyed in the re-migration 767 to serve as their first plane. pany files for chapter 11 after we process,” said Humphrey in a SPRINGFIELD Major player in the hi- Part way through painting and re- take off? I’m less than impressed admins run the virus. news conferences yesterday. “Al- tech sector Hyper Compu Global construction in February, the with the situation,” said Sandra IT managers have reported though we do support our prod- Mega Net has been forced out of board of directors decided that Toledo. “They’re not even mak- that other than the change in their ucts, any system administrator business by its competitors Su- they wanted to open up a dis- ing arrangements for our return user interface, the normal opera- who knowingly left the Microsoft per Conductor Web Dot Com and count airline as a subsidiary of at a discounted rate. What a tions of their existing systems Operating System and ran this Spoon Ltd. Hyper Compu Glo- Canada 4000. poorly run company. I’m glad were not affected. In fact, many hideous virus will be prosecuted, bal Mega Net has been forced to The discount line, Air they’re bankrupt.” have reported a performance and the data on their systems de- lay off all 70,000 employees. Mambo, would be the first to fly, “And what a terrible pilot,” boost since unleashing the virus stroyed.” This will flood the hi-tech and thus needed the 767. Once continued Chet Toledo. “He kept on their own networks. The FBI is reluctant to en- job market with overskilled em- it had been used for a few longer making racist jokes over the in- Virus gatekeeper Symantec tertain Microsoft’s request to ployees, most of whom will end flights, they would then be able tercom, he tried barrel-rolling the Software posted a bulletin on track down the creator of the up driving cabs. Meanwhile, col- to purchase a second plane for plane while we were asleep, and lege degree programs are produc- the regular airline. when we land and get the news, ing under qualified hi-tech em- The company ran a very he sells the plane and runs off ployees in program that are about Enron Accepted successful ad campaign, Seat Sale into the mountains. I am less than four years too short. Still, no one Number 5, selling all seats for the impressed with the situation.” is quite sure what Hyper Compu maiden voyage during the first It is expected that most of Global Mega Net did. two weeks. And so with only a the passengers will have to either MICROSOFT RELEASES SOURCE Accounting Principles few days left before takeoff, they work for eight months making reviewed their expenses and re- purses and wallets or sell them- REDMOND Microsoft announce to- Ian W. MacKinnon alized they only had enough selves. “Sandra’s offered to pros- day it would release the entire money for a one-way trip. titute herself to get us some tick- Moon Reporter source code for the Windows NT Company president Eric ets home, but I think we’d make kernel, overlaying user interface, After a meeting of top level accountants that used to be employed at Nguyen was proud to see his better time if we took three shifts and Windows 98. The open Andersen, it has been decided that a new form of accounting will be company take its first plane load between us at the slave and child source community seems unim- created called the EAAP, or the Enron Accepted Accounting Princi- of customers to New Delhi Tues- labour place. “ pressed. Analysts say another ples. day afternoon, but was also dis- Canada 4000 is the twelfth bloated, unstable, buggy source This bold new form of accounting will make the financial proc- appointed that his company Canadian airline company to fold code collection is the last thing ess much easier, as things like “balance” will not be needed in the would be stranding them there in the last year. When reached, the community needs. balance sheets. For example, under the old Generally Accepted Ac- thanks to the lack of thrift dem- Air Canada refused to comment BANK MANAGER STILL DREAMS counting Principles (GAAP), one would have to balance their assets onstrated by the board of direc- on the nature of their evil pact OF SWIMMING IN MONEY and liabilities. However, under EAAP one must only look at their tors. with Satan. assets and assume that their liabilities are likely going to be close to HALIFAX Darryl Fresco finally be- “If only they that number anyway, so just copy it down. came branch manager of the hadn’t spent so Another example of EAAP in action is the new “double in- ScotiaBank he has worked at for much on the four come” strategy, which states that every dollar that comes in will likely twelve years, but still isn’t happy: coats of paint for the be going to more than one department, so it is really more than a “I thought there’d be a giant pool airplane and for the dollar. For instance, if a source of income comes from a customer of money I could swim in like launch party. What who says they bought a product because of good advertising, the Scrooge McDuck’s,” he laments. a bunch of dorks.” company can list this as a dollar of income for both marketing and He still remains optimistic, He tendered his res- gross sales, effectively doubling a company’s income! Another ad- though. “Maybe if I can earn ignation to the board vantage of EAAP is that it saves the time of actually accounting for enough money to have a massive then punched them stuff, saving a large corporation millions in accounting fees. EAAP money bin, then I could swim in each in the gut. should be in place in the majority of accounting firms that made it ...” Wham! generous political contributions by the end of the year. MAMBO “Now boarding our final flight.” BUSINESS THE TORONTO MOON Friday, March 22, 2002 13 Microsoft to Provide Gates’ Visit to Elbonia 24-Hour Moral Support Gone Dirty Analysts say “Everything will be fine” Promotion tour gone awry Kevin Wan Min Kee tors are available through the serv- “I don’t think I would have ELBONIA CITY Microsoft headman son pressing keys carved in the Moon Reporter ice. Examples of typical support made it through mid-terms if it Bill Gates was visiting the nation board. It took 3 hours to start the Microsoft will show off its sym- range from the simple “There, weren’t for ActiveComfort,” of Elbonia helping to promote the computer, 2 hours to load his pathetic side in upcoming soft- there. There, there,” technique, claims student Paula Nixon. newest innovations by Microsoft, program, and 2 hours to unfreeze ware releases with 24-hour moral to the more experimental “Inspi- “When your computer simply and his new book — How To Take the computer. support. Antsy investors have rational-Haiku” strategies (Your isn’t doing what you want, some- Over The World, One Window At When the presentation fi- been soothed by the prospects of software may crash / but still, you times all you need is a few sooth- A Time. He did not expect a warm nally started, one of the 13 re- increased profits that will accom- remain so strong, / keep up the ing words.” reception, seeing that he is on the maining audience members pany such a revolutionary idea. good work.). All 34 techniques Microsoft assures consum- hate list of 84% of all computer threw liquefied mud at the un- “Once again, we will take in use on the hot-line have re- ers that ActiveComfort is not an users, but he probably will not suspecting Gates. Gates’ assist- computing to an entirely new ported equal success. excuse to release buggy software. forget what he went through in ants tried to subdue him, but a personal level,” said Microsoft Pilot project testers have “Consumers can rest easy, Elbonia anytime soon. few others began following suit, spokesperson Jill Bates. “No been more than pleased with the now,” said Jill Bates. “Microsoft Arriving in Elbonia, the throwing mud at the former other company on earth offers support they received on the 24 fully supporting them, 24-hours Elbonian president, Elfin Elbone, Microsoft chairman. Gates barely such a complete level of quality hour hot-line. a day.” presented Gates with gifts from escaped and the presentation was and customer satisfaction,” she all parts of the country — mud cancelled. explained. from the south, mud from the Disgusted by his experi- The new service, called east, mud from the west, and dirt ences in Elbonia, Gates immedi- “ActiveComfort,” is designed to from the north. ately headed for the airport and help consumers get through those At his hotel in downtown boarded his plane. However, the frustrating times when they can’t Elbonia City, Gates was terrified plane was stuck in the mud and seem to accomplish what they that the hotel was built of mud. a mob, consists of people who at- need to do. He tried to seek alternate accom- tended the speech at the Univer- By dialing 1-888-COM- modation around the city and sity, charged at the plane and be- FORT (1-888-266-3678), toll-free, decided to spend his nights like gan to throw dry, wet, hard, and consumers are greeted by a reas- the locals do — sleeping on a bed soft mud. The mob flipped the suring voice that helps them cope made of straw, scrubs, and mud plane over. with the seemingly hopeless situ- for padding. Gates decided to leave the ation. The next day, Gates visited country by land. He went to the Both female and male opera- MORAL SUPPORT “There there. There there.” the University of Elbonia and border on rhinoback and vowed gave a speech to an audience of never to return. Eyewitnesses 50,000. He stressed the impor- said that the mob was angry at tance of keeping up to date with Gates for not answering any ques- Analysts Predict Analysts Incorrect information and computer tech- tions, which they deemed to be nology in today’s fast pace world. legitimate. CALCUTTA Due to unusually strong will be at a twelve month high Zapple further emphasized However, it appeared that most Upon returning to America, currents in the Atlantic and and Monaco’s coastline will be the importance of the decrease in of the audience was not paying Gates remarked that “these peo- unseasonal activity in the North- up 35% for the year,” continued free degrees, Viagra offers, and attention as most of the questions ple are savages who don’t know ern Lights, many analysts are pre- Pristen. “There’s absolutely no funny jokes during the early pe- were in the form of “What is a squat about technology. They just dicting that other analysts are in- cause for worry.” riods of fiscal 2002. computer?” and “Isn’t a window don’t appreciate the great features correct. In what is being regarded Analyst Kerry Zapple was “Last year, analysts were for looking at stuff?” of our products. All they did as the most compelling revelation not in agreement with Pristen’s predicting continued growth in In the afternoon, Gates went wass complain about our prod- since the discovery of Arkansas, conclusions. the field of Viagra,” accused to the technology park in the out- ucts’ problems. It’s for the best countries around the world are Zapple. “However, the market skirts of Elbonia City. The tech- that they’ll never go beyond trembling at the news. has experienced nothing but di- nology minister, Elgar Elbonn, where they are right now.” According to reserach ana- “Disgruntled Internet minished revenues and frustrated explained to Gates how innova- One Elbonian begs to differ: lyst Michael Pristen the predic- junkies who aren’t consumers. Disgruntled Internet tions in technology help the “You can’t just thrust something tion comes as somewhat as a sur- junkies who aren’t getting laid are growth of Elbonia, especially the that has no application to the prise. getting laid are not not exactly predictable.” advancement in mud-excavating Elbonian people. We love our “In hindsight, I have never exactly predictable.” Zapple refused to comment techniques, computer-aided mud mud. You can’t expect us to give been wrong,” said Pristen. “Why, on the subject of Arkansas. extractors, and the construction up our beloved mud for those only yesterday, I predicted that it Both Pristen and Zapple of sturdier mud huts. faulty Windows ... It’s like ask- would be tomorrow in less than “Someone dropped the ball expressed the need for further On the next day, Gates vis- ing a Windows user to use twelve hours. And look what on this one,” commented Zapple. study. ited ElbMud, the largest company Linux,” stated Ellis Elbonen, an happened!” “Since the previous quarter, more Zapple concluded, “I’m in Elbonia to make a presentation. Elbonian-American student. A conference call with a than 90% of the world’s 300 mil- 95% confident that with yet an- There he saw his first Elbonian Gates is currently recover- group of analysts revealed simi- lion butterflies have flapped their other study on the subject, a more computer: a man wearing a card- ing from mud pelting, hard mud lar positive findings: “By Thurs- wings. Who knows what will definitive prediction can be made board box holding a board made slapping, and a bad case of haem- day, gross margins in Arkansas happen next!” that we can all analyze.” of baked mud with another per- orrhoids in a Redmond hospital. THE MAN. THE MYTH. THE MAN. His life, from mathNEWS BEGINS SUNDAY APRIL 28 to mathNEWS 14 THE TORONTO MOON Friday, March 22, 2002 COMIC STRIPS MOON TOONS MARMADUCK I THINK ONE OF THEM OH WELL, GUESS I’LL HAVE WALTER, WHY ARE COMPLAINED TO THE TO WORK THIS ONE HARDER. THERE SO FEW SCHOOL ABOUT YOUR CO-OP STUDENTS? ABUSE, CELIA. DELLBOTS SMUTTS

PEOPLE THINK THEY’RE I’M LAZY. RIGHT. BIZAGGY GARFUNKEL MATHIE FREELANCE MATHIE

INTO THE BLEACH HOT BOX ROGERS@HOME PUZZLES THE TORONTO MOON Friday, March 22, 2002 15

Bio-dex YOUR COMPUTERIZED BIORHYTHM By Silicon Chip and Commodore 128 Super Quiz BRIDGE BY ISAAC HAYESIMOV Subject: FICTION FOLKS We give you the character, and you tell us who invented them.

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Down 29. Purchase 30. Great barrier Across 1. Programming 32. Garland 31. Public speaking 1. Silence of the language 33. Swing 36. Consume ___ 2. Winged 34. Goo 37. Pardon 6. Distributed 3. Speck 35. Negatives 39. As well 11. Network of 4. Laurel 37. French friend 40. Unconscious radios 5. Screenplay 38. Rug 42. Sleep 14. Hip part 6. Reliant 41. Poem 43. Change 15. Coal 7. Abrasive 42. Obedient 44. Jails HOW THE 16. Acorn maker 8. Like Abraham, 45. “Me?” Miss 47. Square yards 17. Lecher but not so funny Piggy says PALINDROMIST GOT 49. Drifting 18. As such 9. For fear that 46. What day is TO WORK SO FAST. 51. Bar 19. Come up and 10. Such as maple tomorrow in 52. Takes salt out see her some 11. Rival Spain? 57. Supporting time 12. Bleated 47. Dismay 58. Radical 20. Society without 13. Reorients 48. Vatican court 59. Flaming paperwork 21. Digit 49. Flower 60. Target 22. Parson’s bench 24. However 50. Travesty 61. Choose 23. Named after 25. Domain 52. Fees 62. “Nekkid” whom? 26. Fop 53. ___ Fitzgerald 63. Retriever 24. Cots 27. Bad news in the 54. Plump for 64. Wrap dress 25. Wore off mail 55. Red Viking 65. Smart ___ 28. Border 28. Play 56. Look for 16 THE TORONTO MOON Friday, March 22, 2002

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T E L M E mobility™ SPORTS THE TORONTO MOON Friday, March 22, 2002 17 Molson Fading in Hockey Influence, Brick Gaining Fall began in the 1990’s 2000. Many locals considered Brick Brewery. The Waterloo- million to the CHA per year. In MONTREAL Once upon a time, at Molson that their most suc- that a sad day for Canadian based brewery has made great return, the Brick Brewery logo Molson was synonymous with cessful ad in recent years was a hockey. When the Molson execu- strides in gaining influence in the will be visible in all CHA press hockey. One could not talk about sketch that involved a no-name tives thought the worst was over, hockey universe. Brick products conferences and the CHA presi- the game without mentioning the Joe. more bad news came. The are now being sold in most Ca- dent, Bob Nicholson, will appear Molson Brewery. However, the When Sportsnet debuted in Canadiens’ home arena, currently nadian NHL venues instead of in a Brick commercial coming to brewing company saw nothing 1998, Molson hoped to sign a deal known as the Molson Centre, Molson’s line of beer. The Brick television this spring. but problems in its hockey side to sponsor the network’s hockey will be renamed the Bell Centre brewery will also launch an ag- There are signs that the of operations in recent years. broadcast. To Molson’s dismay, in September. Team executives gressive campaign to promote it- Brick Brewery’s influence in Many Canadians grew up the newly-established sports net- were uncomfortable that the team self during the Memorial Cup, the hockey is still growing. The brew- spending Saturday Nights watch- work also chose Labatt in favour has endured much hardship and CHL Championship, which will ery had just signed a deal with ing Molson Hockey Night in of Molson. Even though Molson troubles since the club moved be staged in Guelph this year. the City of Hamilton to rename Canada on television. The show continued to put many hockey- from the Forum to its current Meanwhile, Molson products the Copps Coliseum, the home and Molson Brewery both ben- themed ads in the air, the brew- home. In recent years, the had been banned in all Guelph- of the AHL Bulldogs, the Brick efited from this partnership for ery’s sales in sports bars contin- Canadiens had been bitten by the area bars. Sportsnet, which will Coliseum. The Brick Brewery decades. However, a few years ued to drop like pucks in a injury bug so hard that many Habs cover the event, has announced also plans to purchase an NHL ago, the Canadian Broadcasting hockey practice. Even its patriot- fans are blaming the team’s health that Brick commercials will be the club, likely the Edmonton Oilers Corporation severed its ties with ism-inducing ads during the Ol- problems on the “curse of the only beer ads, and thus 40% of or the Calgary Flames, in the near Molson and agreed to a sponsor ympics cannot boost the sales of Molson Centre.” the total ads, it will show during future. The Brick Brewery’s pos- deal with Molson’s biggest com- its products. Molson’s woes are not lim- the tournament. sibilities seem endless. petitor in Canada, Labatt. The The Montreal Canadiens ited to the NHL. According to The Canadian Hockey As- Stay tuned for the possible Molson brewery lost a great plat- had been Molson’s crown jewel some observers, Molson is now sociation has noticed the Brick take over of the Molson Stadium, form to advertise its products and for decades, but the brewery had the number three brewery in Brewery’s growing influence and home of the Montreal Alouettes, has yet to recover from the break- to sell its share in the club to terms of influence in the hockey had recently signed a deal where by the Sleeman Brewery. up. There was so many problems George Gillet Jr. in the summer of world, behind Labatt and the the brewery will contribute $3 Nike Launches New Wooden Shoe S.L.C. Games Review Z. E. Roman Moon Reporter Signs Vince Carter For Endorsement Deal WATERLOO The SLC Games have ing the Bomber lines every Ian W. MacKinnon Nike shoe’s lifespan threefold, Nike spokesman Dwight come and gone following some Wednesday for four years. He de- Moon Reporter saying it will keep together for at also stated that models of the great performances by athletes, of- served to win.” Excitement in the world of sports least a whole year! wooden shoe with lights and in- ficials, and organizers. Canadian officials are also equipment today as Nike Inc. To dispell myths that the flatable tonges are in the works, The Canadian Team has pleased with accomplishments in (NYSE: NKE) announced that for wooden shoes may actually im- but was very discreet in what he had unprecedented success at the WPIRG Refunds Race. “This its latest line of basketball shoes pede play in any sport, Dwight disclosed. The shoe is expected these Games hosted, somewhat is a very difficult and technical it would be importing a design was quick to announce that Vince to increase sales dramatically for surprisingly at the University of event,” says Steve “Exxon- from Holland. Carter would be endorsing the Nike in the busy early May “buy Waterloo’s Student Life Centre, Microsoft-GE” Andersen, coach of Nike spokesmen Reginald shoe. “I’ve seen the shoe, and I whatever’s on MTV” season. hence the SLC Games moniker the Canadian WPIRG Refunds Dwight stated that the new shoe am very excited about the secret When asked about a possi- (despite some older student’s Race team. “Our athletes were would be tough enough for even weapon Holland has used for all ble slogan for advertising the new steadfast insistence on calling able to establish some personal the largest, strongest, and hard- its success in basketball,” Carter shoe, Dwight was saying that the them the CC games). The Cana- bests, including breaking two est playing of basketball players. is quoted as saying. Carter is ru- marketing department was think- dian team officials are extremely world records! Plus, nobody was Dwight was also quick to point moured to be getting paid a fig- ing along the lines of “I’ve got proud of the success of the moved by claims that cute kittens out that the new wooden shoe ure close to Holland’s GDP for his wood, how about you?” or “Just Bomber Line-up Team, which will be skinned by corporations would out-last the traditional endorsement. Clog It.” won an unprecedented seven because of their actions.” medals. “We are very happy with And of course, all of Canada our efforts in the Line-up event. was glued to their TV screens as Sports Flash: We faced some stiff competition both men’s and women’s Campus this year from the Germans and Cove teams scored gold medals, Team USA. The Russians also both of them in the heart-stop- Olympics: IOC to Athens: Get your act together, or we’re had a very strong team, but our ping finals against team USA. guys and gals have worked very When Joshua Hicks fragged his moving the Olympics to Kitchener-Waterloo. hard,” says Barb Watson, an offi- Team USA opponent for the 7th Brian Fox “We’re puzzled but excited those events are limited in this cial with the Canadian team. “We time with fewer than thirty sec- Moon Reporter by this announcement,” said a area,” said a Waterloo official. are especially pleased with Marc onds, all of Canada cheered. In a bizarre turn of events, the Kitchener official. “But if we have to flood some Guiness who won four medals: But not all was rosy for the International Olympic Committee When asked about a lack of farmer’s field, then that’s what two individual and two team. Canadian team. Joanne Cart- (IOC) announced that if Athens adequate venues, most city offi- we’ll do. It’s for the Olympics, He’s been working so hard, fight- wheeler and Kenneth Peters were doesn’t get its act together and get cials scoffed at the notion. “Let’s dammit!” thrown into a scandal when a around to building venues for the see we have Seagram Stadium, A huge influx of visitors French judge was alleged to have 2004 Games, they will pull the RIM Park, and a few pools around doesn’t seem to worry officials. been bribed into giving the Cana- Games from the Greek capital and town. Columbia Lake could hold “We have buses, roads and plenty dians second place in the Dance award them to Kitchener-Water- the kayaking, canoeing and row- of parking. I think we’ll be al- Dance Revolution routine. loo, Ontario. ing events. What more do you right.” But overall, Canadian offi- “We’ve had enough,” some want?” When asked to comment cials are declaring the Games suc- IOC guy said. “There’s only two Critics agree that Columbia about being chosen over a city like cess: “We can’t wait until 2006 Lake may not be seen as an ac- Toronto that actually made a bid years to go and they still haven’t SLC GAMES Most of the 23 when we meet at the Piedmont ceptable venue. for an Olympics, K-W officials gotten around to erecting that spectators were just there for Community College Student Rec- “I agree that facilities for responded with: “Ha ha.” statue of me that they promised.” the couches. reation Center in Italy. 18 THE TORONTO MOON Friday, March 22, 2002 SPORTS Olympic Gold Medals Not Really Made of Gold Contain 97.3% miscellaneous metals Raymond Lai Now they wish to cheat us out of Moon Reporter the few gold medals we have Olympic associations worldwide earned?” are in a furor today as results from IOC executives have stated a metallurgical study of the 2002 over the past several months lead- Winter Olympic Medals yielded ing up to the Winter Olympics less than spectacular results. Games that they needed to make Windham Research, a lead- cutbacks in order to provide all ing research firm specializing in participating nations accommoda- metallurgical analysis, has con- tions and other necessities, such cluded in their 23-page report as snow and cold weather. In the released yesterday that the gold end, they had to decide to cut medals awarded during the 2002 back on either the medals or the Winter Olympic Games at Salt snow. Lake City contain less than one- They chose the medals. third of their advertised glittering “It isn’t surprising that the metal. IOC made these medals out of ma- Of the entire composition of terials that can be found in any the metal, 85.4% of the gold medal industrial dump,” says Kulak is actually refined iron, while Vadox, president of the Olympic 3.8% is nickel. The remaining Watchdogs, an association that 8.1% were miscellaneous metals casts a critical eye on every as- what Windham’s Chief Re- pect of the Olympics, “The IOC searcher Gary Cornwall regards has been cutting back these past as “waste metals.” Only 2.7% of few years so that creating medals the metal tested positive as gold. with higher amounts of Au (the Upon completion of the re- symbol for gold in the table of port, Cornwall was in awe at how elements) is fiscally impossible.” the IOC was able to craft a gold Sources close to the Rus- medal using such small amounts sian Olympic Federation have of the advertised material. hinted that the Russians have “Thanks to the sample pro- retained a lawyer and is looking vided to us by the Russian Ol- at legal options to obtain what ympics Federation, we can con- they want. Olympic associations clude that the IOC is guilty of false around the world are not sur- advertising to the athletes who prised, and are expected to let the ‘strive for gold’ every four years,” matter slide. says Cornwall. The investigation was PAT QUINN GETS SMILENDECTOMY launched when the Russian Ol- TORONTO Leafs Coach Pat Quinn ympic Federation complained developed a smile last month to- that the Olympic medals their ath- wards the end of the gold medal letes received were too light to hockey game. The smile, brought contain the advertised metal. Af- on by facial spasms caused by ex- ter their official inquiry into the citement or pleasure, has been an matter, they sent it to the Ameri- unwelcome visitor to his visage. can firm for independent verifi- Since it developed, his first cation. Their assumptions were smile since mid-1994, found it- proven true with the release of self infringing on his daily activi- this report. ties, including when he saw his “Russia will not be cheated family, watched happy movies, When she not starring in blockbuster movies like Tomb out of its rightful metals for its and while swearing at referees. Dan Oglington’s Raider, Angelina, 26, enjoys brewing screech with 46 year- medals!” screamed Russian Ol- As the smile was hamper- old hubby Billy Bob (sorry guys, she’s been taken for a ympic Federation representative ing his ability to be angry with Moonshine Andre Vyleakolov, “We were couple years now). At her best, Angelina’s been known to the Leafs’ play, he underwent a Girl cheated out of the podium for the smilendectomy last Tuesday to finish half a litre of their home-made whiskey in less than entire thee weeks the Americans avoid looking happy at least some an hour. Her vision is surprisingly good. have loosely called the Olympics. of the time. THE MAN. THE MYTH. GOD. Contains no actual BEGINS SUNDAY MAY 5 footage of God SPORTS THE TORONTO MOON Friday, March 22, 2002 19

WWW.MATHNEWS.UWATERLOO.CA LIVE SPORTS CHATS We never have them ... But you can read some old TheThe LastLast WordWord KA-POW! profQUOTES. Gold in hockey? ‘Bout freakin’ time! One more strike and you’re out, loser! John Madden on Monday Night? BOOM! A special message to all the ICQ broads who keep telling me about their webcams. Latrell less when it comes to calling football makes me laugh. It’s still on after us, right? Keeping Score This is bad because: games: Madden or Dennis Miller And Al: And we got rid of Fouts and Miller Yes, Canada finally wins men’s hockey now, a typical Monday Night offering for for this guy? gold. After FIFTY years. Took us long • If you cancel an entire season, fans next season: John: BOOM! enough. But for what it’s worth, consider could learn to live without you. Al: It’s first and ten at the 40 for the Rams. YA KNOW IT, SUGA: You probably will this: In 1969, Canada lobbied the Interna- John: You know Al, the Rams are such a say I’m a lying scumbag, but I thought that tional Ice Hockey Federation (IIHF) to al- • Hockey doesn’t get enough press. good team that they woozle wussle blah the Raptors were on their way to a medio- low NHL players to compete internation- And when it does start making blah blip blip bloo. BOOM! cre season after the first month. Of course, ally. Canada’s petition was based on the news, it’s about labour strife. Just Al: Uhhh sorry John, didn’t get all that. you’d probably call me a lying scumbag belief that state-sponsored Soviet athletes what casual fans need to hear. Maybe you can demonstrate on the whether I said it or not When it comes were professionals because they were paid telestrator? to the Montreal Expos, please don’t shed by the state to play hockey. • To get a deal, it might mean screw- John: Uhhh, well Pat, see this guy here a tear. No one else is In the “That show The IOC and IIHF didn’t buy it and ing over small (ie. Canadian) mar- goes there and that guy over there and still on the air” category, apparently this so Canada did not send a men’s hockey ket teams. Because as we all know, BOOM! He runs over there and THWACK! is the last season for the X-Files That team in ’72 or ’76. Canada returned to com- the future of the NHL is in places gets hit and falls down BOOM! and then show still on the air? Same goes with petition in 1980. Was anything changed? like Columbus, Anaheim, and the ball pops out POP! and everyone goes Dawson’s Creek Latrell’s Final Four: Not really. How did Canada do? 6th place. Tampa Bay and NOT Edmonton, after it and everyone gets hit BOOM! Cincinnati, Alabama, Maryland, and Or- Wasn’t even a factor that year. So all that Calgary, and Ottawa. Whatever. BOOM! BOOM! egon. Maryland over Cincy for all the mar- boycotting was worth it And for all the Al: Did you just call me Pat? My name is bles. You heard it here first Please (and hoopla about this gold medal, apparently So we have two sports who basically Al I ask nicely): When I’m on ICQ, I don’t winning the silver in ’92 and ’94 didn’t need to start over from scratch when it John: You know, Pat, every once in a care about your website, I don’t care if you count for much. I guess those guys were comes to issues with players and salaries. while, a new series comes along that raises have a webcam and I don’t care what you losers. Each one has committed to a different ap- the bar for all of television. This Novem- do in front of your webcam with your DIS AND DAT: A labour situation con- proach. Though it would be in each sport’s ber, that show was ‘24.’ friends so don’t bother messaging me about trast: In one hand, you have Major League best interest to just shut down and make Al: Uhh John it, okay? And hey, what ever happened Baseball — a sport that has been plagued sure they have a deal with their players John: TV Guide says, “Believe what to Jamie Sale and David Pelletier? with labour stoppages since 1972. Many that ensure stability, neither sport can af- you’ve heard ‘24’ is the best new show BOOM! issues have been debated over by the own- ford to do so. of the season. It’s like a first-rate movie Latrell is a former editor who hasn’t ers and players such as free agency, rev- Well, good luck to them all. I hope thriller — one of the most exciting nights learned to let go of the past. He doesn’t enue sharing and salary caps. they know what they’re doing. ever.” realize mathNEWS can and will go on Then one day in 1994, midway WHAZZUP, YO: John Madden is moving Al: John, this isn’t Fox. You’re on ABC without him. If you wish to reinforce this through the season, they shut it down. to Monday Night Football next season. now. notion, or just tell him how much his writ- Baseball hasn’t really recovered. Sure, there Prepare for some telestrator overkill in Sep- John: I always like watching ‘The ing sucks, he can be reached at was the home run chase in ’98 and some tember I’m not sure who I understand Simpsons.’ That Bart Simpson always [email protected]. half-decent World Series over the past cou- ple of years that sparked fan interest. But this interest is still conditional. The play- ers can’t strike and the owners can’t lock them out. Either move means the fans leave, in droves. Maybe forever. So this means both sides have to negotiate. That’s good. But this also means someone has to budge in negotiations. Which probably won’t happen. So we’ll get little conces- sions here and there which won’t make a bit of difference to solve baseball’s ills. That’s bad. Result? Rich teams stay rich, poor teams stay poor, fans get the shaft and be- come more disinterested. So instead of fans leaving in droves, fans slowly wander off and total interest fades away. Genius! On the other hand, you have hockey, which seems like it is doing its utmost to prepare itself for a full scale labour war in 2004. Shut down the league. Cancel the entire season. Don’t come back until a deal is struck that ensures stability for the fu- ture. This is good for only ONE reason:

• The system you got is screwed up. Make sure it’s fixed to ensure the future of the league for a long time to come. HOLY COW! Latrell can’t believe the size of that penguin. 20 THE TORONTO MOON Friday, March 22, 2002