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From Waterloo Snack Start-Up to Multinational in 4

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From Waterloo Snack Start-Up to Multinational in 4 LAST TUESDAYS WEATHER: Sunny and High of 5°C MOON: Waxing half Friday, March 22, 2002 Issue 88.7 WWW.MATHNEWS.UWATERLOO.CA Everything you UPDATED didnt want to know about BIWEEKLY math. PRETZEL THOUSANDS KILLED IN SASKATCHEWAN REGINA Thousands of ground-hogs have been killed in a cross-province hunting derby. Wildlife groups are encouraging farmers to shoot the animals instead of using a chemical SHOP poison or other method of pest con- trol. Yet, other wildlife groups are concerned about the possibility of too many groundhogs being killed, putting groundhogs on the endan- gered species list. CLONES CLONE CLONES CLONE HELSINKI Cloned Finnish scientists BUYS have succeeded in becoming the first clones to create a clone of a clones clone. The mouse, a clone of a mouse cloned in Hawaii last year, is not ad- justing well to the clone lifestyle. Cheezor, as the clonologists call her, has difficulty walking, eating, CN and not crawling over the side of tables. The cloned scientists, al- though proud of their achievement, regret not having watched Multiplic- From Waterloo snack ity before beginning their work. start-up to multinational INDONESIAN ISLANDS STOLEN JAKARTA Police have no idea how in 4 months: Page 23 over 200 Indonesian islands could have disappeared. We know they havent been gone long, said one inspector, I just went to Mataram on West Nusa Tenggara to visit relatives last week. Their only suspect is a woman in red travelling under the name Carmen SanDiego. Wed bring her in for questioning, but we dont know where in the world she is now, police reported. INSIDE @Bizniz 12 Comics 14 Fake News 02 Horoscopes 08 Moonshine Boy 11 Moonshine Girl 18 Opinions 09 Puzzles 15 Sanders 08 Science 08 Sports 17 Whazzup? 10 First issues free, then theyll cost you ... 2 THE TORONTO MOON Friday, March 22, 2002 NEWS Area Man Still Waiting for Sheppard Line to Open Albert OConnor record on subway construction. subway, but are a little surprised Moon Reporter Dennis mother said she al- by Dennis enthusiasm. We Its cold tonight in Toronto, and ways had to prevent him getting thought maybe wed get some nobody knows that better than too close to the dangerous side fans of the TTC waiting outside Dennis Goldblum. His excitement of the subway. He always hours before it opened. Perhaps over the new Sheppard subway wanted to see what it was like to some would get dressed up like has brought him to wait outside feel the moving train from the TTC characters and reenact fa- the station at Yonge and Sheppard landing, or piss on the rails. Fi- mous subway scenes, but this guy for the new line to become active. nally when he was 10 his left just sits there and mumbles, Some people love concerts, some hand was taken off by a train at Gotta ride the rocket, over and SHEPPARD & YONGE STATION people love movies, but Dennis Davisville station, Mrs. over. I feel bad for him, what with Artists rendition of Goldblums probable location loves subways. Goldblum said. I believe Dennis the first train leaving from Since he was six, Gold- finally learned his lesson. Fairview and all. He should prob- blum has loved the sights and The subway construction ably not sleep outside every night 2 New Toronto Papers sounds of the subway. He used has been going on for as long as either. to spend days at a time riding the people living at the corner of Despite these warning, one- Simon LAvier proposed Toronto newspaper. Sheppard and Yonge can remem- handed Dennis Goldblum still electric rails. It always disap- Publisher When our turn came, we ap- ber. After years of work and bil- waits at the corner of Yonge and pointed him that Toronto only Thirty-one years ago I would have pealed to the youth of the bid lions of dollars the 5-stop line is Sheppard for the exciting day had two lines, so the addition of never guessed I would own a team and their enthusiasm, play- finally preparing to open. The when electricity flows through a third is a big event for him; per- newspaper. Of course, thirty-one ing down mathNEWS as much TTC is happy that people are the new rails and he can experi- haps a once in a life time experi- years ago for me was 2001 ... time as possible. showing enthusiam over the new ence the trip of his lifetime. ence if Toronto maintains its travel can be a bitch. I thought our presentation Late last year, I was ap- was very convincing, particularly proached by mathNEWS, a math the reading of Don McKays Be- North York Resident Unaware student publication at the Uni- fore the Moon from his Gover- versity of Waterloo. They had nor-General award-winning heard that the Toronto Newspa- collectionof poetry, Another Grav- per League was expanding and ity. As Albert read, before the Someone Else Could Be Mayor wanted to try journalism on a moon, Each night / was the same larger scale than their faculty or night, and fell formlessly, / with TORONTO During a very educational Hanks unaware that it is possi- member the time he had all those university. no imagination, / and without discussion, Hank Xavier, 28, dis- ble to have a different mayor. skyscrapers built on Yonge Street Since travelling back to you in it. McKays words covered that Mel Lastman is not This comment is certainly but never filled them or when he 1971 with mathNEWS, Ive used brought two judges to tears. Good the only possible mayor he could true, as when asked to name any- shook hands with a biker and my remembering skills to earn thing they never discovered that have. one who ran against Mr. Lastman, denied knowing that they were lots of money gambling, not un- we used the poem without per- I was stunned, he ex- all he could think of was that drug dealers, or when his wife like Biff Tannen. Im almost at the mission. plained, My buddy, Will, was transvestite dude. Certainly a stole those pants, or the whole point where there is so much, I Afterwards, to sweeten the just saying that he hopes the com- lack of competition has prevented Sheppard line thing, or when he dont know what to do with it. deal, I doubled Conrad Greys ing election will bring some good North Yorkers from considering apologized like a hundred times, Thats why I was more than bribe. opposition so we could vote Mel other people as possible mayors, or when he was sued by those happy to donate a small portion Two minutes later, they an- Lastman out of office, and I was but couldnt there be something kids he had with his mistress, or of my fortune to my old friends. nounced that the TNL had de- all like, Dude, can we do that? more explaining his blind accept- when he threatened to kill that With the assistance of the cided to include two newspapers And then he was like, Sure man, ance? reporter, or and he continued S. C. Reamer Financial Consul- in its expansion: Rupert Mur- thats what an election is all I thought he had some for another couple minutes list- tation Service, we put in a bid ducks Toronto Daily Planet and about. deal where he was always mayor. ing some of his favourite Mel- for a newspaper with the TNL our bid for The Moon! Xavier, a life-time resident Not like with Satan or anything moments, as he calls them. alongside media giants like Two minutes later, they an- of North York, told us how he serious like that, just part of his Hank Xavier continues to Rupert Murduck and Conrad nounced plans for a league con- could not remember Lastman not contract. Will says that Im seri- believe that only Mel Lastman Grey. The meetings were impos- traction to take place March 31st. being his mayor. I think he was ously wrong there, but then why can be mayor, and will happily ing, but the catering was awe- The Moon should be able to sur- elected a year or two before I was was he automatically made mayor discuss it with any of his cus- some. vive that though ... wouldnt it born, and Im pretty sure that of Toronto? tomers as they are waiting for Each bid team was required be silly if we only managed to before then North York was run Fortunately, Xavier has no their tacos, provided the line isnt to give a presentation on their publish one issue? by a council or something and problems with having Mel too long. didnt have a mayor. Lastman as his The Toronto Moon is a mediocre (but still official!) parody of THE TORONTO He then recounted how he mayor for all 28 STAR, THE TORONTO SUN, and METRO TODAY by mathNEWS, a normally saw the formation of the mega- years of his life. fortnightly publication, on 8.5 by 11 paper (newsprint is only for special occa- city of Toronto and Mel Lastmans Its like having sions), funded by and responsible to the undergraduate math students of the my Uncle Earl University of Waterloo, as represented by the Mathematics Society of the election there. Okay, so they University of Waterloo, hereafter referred to as MathSoc. mathNEWS is editori- turned all four cities, Scarbor- as my mayor. ally independent of MathSoc. Content is the responsibility of the mathNEWS ough, Toronto, Etobicoke, and Hes always editors; however, any opinions expressed herein are those of the authors and North York, into one big city, and putting his foot not necessarily those of MathSoc or mathNEWS.
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