Sportp32 Featuresp20-21 Featuresp12-13 Women storm to Rooms with a view, and showboxes without. We David Starkey: victory in Blues take a peek inside the best and worst rooms in The sensitive, Rugby triumph Cambridge reflective side of History’s favorite contrarian

Friday November 6th 2009 The Independent Student Newspaper since 1947 Issue no 705 | varsity.co.uk

paul smith Choir’s planned Israel trip Peterhouse votes causing discord to remain in CUSU

» Prominent cultural figures protest Clare Choir’s Gemma Oke scheduled Christmas tour Senior Reporter r college Israeli propaganda machine as proof Peterhouse students have voted to Helen Mackreath of the ‘normality’ and ‘acceptability’ remain affiliated to CUSU for the Senior Reporter of the Israeli rogue state - which is next academic year. neither normal nor acceptable.” In an open meeting on Wednesday Betty Hunter, General Secretary a motion was posed that the College

ClareWestminste College Choir’s proposed tour of the Palestine Solidarity Cam- remain affiliated to CUSU, rather to Israel and Palestine during the paign, highlights in her letter that than asking students to disaffiliate. Christmas period has prompted December 27th, mid-tour, will be The motion carried with 55 votes, no angry protest letters from pro-Pal- the anniversary of Israel’s military opposing votes and four abstentions. estinian activists. onslaught on the trapped population Turnout to the open meet- The College Choir plans to visit of the Gaza Strip, in which 1,400 ing, at which CUSU President Bethlehem, Jerusalem, Tel Aviv, Palestinian people were massacred. Tom Chigbo was present, is Haifa and Karmiel, performing Meanwhile John Harte and believed to have been around 23%. J.S. Bach’s Christmas Oratorio, Michael Stevens point out that The meeting’s agenda noted that during their tour, which will last Karmiel, a town on the proposed disaffiliation would mean using CUSU from December 23rd to 29th. On itinerary, is an exclusively Jewish services, such as counselling and wel- Christmas Eve they will be singing town built on territory confiscated fare, without contributing financially. in the Church of the Nativity, Beth- from Palestinian villages after the Difficulty in paying the CUSU lehem, followed by Midnight Mass war of 1948, and is now a symbol of subscription fee and sugges- in Jerusalem. the expropriation of land by Israel. tions that CUSU affiliation was These plans have met with anger Tim Brown, Director of Music at poor value prompted the debate from pro-Palestinian activists, who Clare, told Varsity that the Clare last year. Although monetary claim that the proposed tour would College Council had approved the pressures have been resolved, signal acceptance of Israel’s political proposed tour, having discussed it President Joe Ruiz said the vote regime. Protest letters have been over a number of weeks. He pointed would go ahead as it is “a good sent by seventeen members of the out that this 2009 tour is a repeat of idea for democracy in the College.” Palestine Solidarity Campaign, the a previous visit to Israel by Clare CUSU President Tom Chigbo co-directors of the Choir of London Choir made in September 2000, said the response demon- John Harte and Michael Stevens, and notes that the 2000 tour did not strated students’ faith in CUSU. and Karl Sabbagh, a British jour- raise any objections. “Discussions made it clear that stu- nalist of Palestinian descent. He also indicated that the Pales- dents identify with CUSU’s unique Signatories of the Palestine Soli- tine Solidarity Campaign website ability to support students, ” he said. darity Campaign include several encourages “study tours” and “It was great to see so many stu- notable figures, including the histo- “travel programmes” to Palestine, dents engaging with their JCR rian William Dalrymple, playwright which the Choir is fulfilling through and expressing a desire to play an Caryl Churchill, Oxford academic its visit to Bethlehem. Pro-Pales- active role in CUSU’s activities.” Karma Nabulsi, and Garth Hewitt, tinian protesters argue that this Honorary Canon of the Cathedral Bethlehem visit is merely tokenism Church of St George the Martyr in and under the auspices of the Israeli The Essay Jerusalem. government. Concerns revolve around the Israel invaded the West Bank and Robert Grant on tour’s potential political impli- Gaza Strip during the Six Day War the threat ‘Theory’ cations. Signatory Dr Raymond (1967) and has continued a policy poses to the Deane, an Irish composer and politi- of military occupation in these ter- humanities. cal activist, told Varsity, “Those of ritories ever since. Since 2006, Remember, remember: Midsummer Common us involved in culture can’t stand Palestinian artists, academics and Yesterday evening, Cambridge students and residents celebrated Guy back and pretend that we inhabit cultural organisations have been Fawkes night with fireworks and a fun fair on Midsummer Common. some ethereal realm remote from calling on the international commu- The Marshall and Cambridge Centenary Fireworks display began at the real world. Tours by artists such nity to cease working with Israeli 7:30 pm and was followed by a bonfire. The annual celebration normally as the Choir of Clare College will organisations that accept funding draws around 25,000 spectators. be exploited by the lavishly funded from the state. p9 2 Friday November 6th 2009 News Editors: Avantika Chilkoti, Emma Mustich and Beth Staton News www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]

lara prendergast In Brief

Sassoon’s belongings to be preserved in Cambridge

The papers of Siegfried Sassoon, the WW1 soldier-poet, who read Law at Clare, will shortly be on their way to the UL. The University started a campaign in June to raise the £1.25 million necessary to buy the collection, and is now just £110,000 short of the total after a £550,000 grant from the National Heritage Memorial Fund. The archive includes Sassoon’s journals, pocket notebooks compiled on the Western Front, poetry books and photographs, love letters to his wife Hester, and letters sent to Sassoon by writers and other distinguished figures. The acquisition, combined with the library’s existing material, will make the collection the most significant in the world.

Cambridge scientist om Davenport (Sidney Sussex, pictured on cycle) and Alex Lass (Downing, in open doorway) made an unconventional bet last year: that the first defends Nutt to ride a pennyfarthing to lectures would get a free pint. While posting on the internet was initially fruitless, Tom finally heard of a Cambridge TPenny Farthing and secured a use of it by leaving a note for its owner, Charlotte Brearley (Pembroke). On Tuesday morning, Davenport lurked A Cambridge University statis- near the History of Art faculty while Lass ate breakfast in nearby Martin’s Café; as Lass emerged from the café, Davenport rode past in triumph. “I tics professor has spoken in take this sort of thing very seriously,” Davenport commented. support of former drugs advisor David Nutt. Sheila Bird, of the MRC biostatistics unit, sits on the Advisory Council he previ- King Street noodle bar could face £50,000 fine after immigration raid ously chaired. According to Nutt she has written to say she was “unhappy” with the conduct While the Border Agency claims new civil penalty system, that of the Home Office. David Nutt Christine Murphy to be taking steps to remove four Yippee may have to pay fines up was fired after he claimed that Reporter of the men from the country, the to the sum of £50,000. The charges, LSD, ecstasy and cannabis were youngest has been arrested and brought in by the Border Agency more dangerous than alcohol. remanded in custody under suspi- during February 2008, some months A raid by the UK Border Agency cion of ID offences. before the new sponsorship legisla- Launch of Cambridge took place on Tuesday night at However, a source from the restau- tion, target employers who fail to popular King Street eatery Yippee rant, which was open on Wednesday carry out proper checks on migrant Consulting Society Noodle Bar. night after having failed to open for workers, with fines of up to £10,000 The Cambridge University The pan-Asian restaurant, now afternoon trade, claimed that the per illegal worker. Consulting Society (CUCS) under threat of potential fines of up group were, in fact, not allowed to The restaurant’s closure Wednes- will be launching on Monday to £50,000, was visited by Border leave Cambridge, nor to work, and day at lunchtime was, Yippee claimed, November 16th at the Judge Agency officers shortly after the had to report to the police station on due to a shortage of staff. However, Business School. The society restaurant opened on Tuesday a regular basis. yesterday a sign was stuck onto the aims to provide a welcoming evening. Staff checks revealed that The restaurant also stated that window of the closed restaurant environment for students to find five members of staff were in the UK some of the accused staff had been informing customers that, “Due to out about what consulting offers illegally, and did not have permis- working there for nine years, since technical issues, Yippee will remain as a career path. Professionals sion to work. the noodle bar opened. They also closed until further notice. Sorry for from a range of backgrounds The five men, all Chinese and claimed that although they had their any inconvenience caused”. such as environmental and ranging in age from 23 to 38, are asylum seeker papers, the change This incident takes place only a public sector consultancy will chefs at the restaurant. in the law last year, demanding a month after a similar situation at deliver short talks, and Judge The Home Office Border Agency sponsor licence for non-European popular Quayside Japanese restau- Business School academics will said in a statement that three of the Union workers, meant that they rant Teri-Aki, when eight illegal be offering short lectures on men were failed asylum seekers and were no longer allowed to work. migrant workers were found, core skills such as accounting two were illegal entrants into the According to them, it is due to causing the restaurant to face fines and basic economic analysis. UK. this change, and the incorporated of £40,000.

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Get involved Editors Robert Peal & Anna Trench [email protected] AssociAtE Editors Jenny Morgan [email protected] & Laurie Tuffrey [email protected] NEws Editors Avantika Chilkoti, Emma Mustich & Beth Staton [email protected] commENt Editor Dan Hitchens [email protected] sport Editors Will Caiger-Smith & Olly West [email protected] FEAturEs Editor Zing Tsjeng [email protected] Arts Editor Laura If you would like to find out how Freeman [email protected] thEAtrE Editor Lauren Cooney [email protected] rEviEws & ListiNgs Editor Paul Smith [email protected] FAshioN Editors Charlie Lyons, Joe Pitt-Rashid & Lara Prendergast to write for Varsity, come to [email protected] one of our weekly meetings at sENior rEportErs Clare Gatzen, Anna Harper, Helen Mackreath, Gemma Oke & Matthew Symington [email protected] sciENcE corrEspoNdENts Sita Dinanauth & Mingjuan Tan science@varsity. the Maypole Pub (20A Portugal co.uk Food & driNk Editors Tanya Iqbal [email protected] thEAtrE critics Nathan Brooker, Abigail Dean, Chris Kerr, Joel Massey, Jemima Middleton, George Reynolds & Alasdair Pal [email protected] music critics Edward Henderson, Tom Keane & Pete Morelli [email protected] JAzz critic Jonathan Lifschutz FiLm critics James Garner & James Sharpe [email protected] visuAL Arts critic Florence Sharpe Place). [email protected] cLAssicAL music critic Guido Martin-Brandis [email protected] LitErAry critic Eliot D’Silva [email protected] News: Monday 4pm vArsitv Editors Richard Rothschild-Pearson & Fred Rowson [email protected] dEputy vArsitv Editors Phillipa Garner & Alan Young [email protected] oNLiNE Editor Max Raleigh-Reckless Smithwick chiEF sub-Editor Colm Flanagan sub-Editors Lauren Arthur, Timothy Leung & Angela Scarsbrook [email protected] dEsigNEr Dylan Spencer-Davidson [email protected] dEsigN coNsuLtANt Michael magazine: Wednesday 5.30pm Derringer Alternatively, email the relevant busiNEss & AdvErtisiNg mANAgEr Michael Derringer [email protected] boArd oF dirEctors Dr Michael Franklin (Chair), Prof. Peter Robinson, Dr Tim Harris, Mr Chris Wright, Mr Michael Derringer, Mr section editor (right) with your Elliot Ross, Mr Patrick Kingsley (VarSoc President), Miss Anna Trench, Mr Hugo Gye, Mr Michael Stothard, Miss Clementine Dowley, Mr Robert Peal & Mr Christopher Adriaanse

NEWSPAPERS ideas. SUPPORT Varsity, Old Examination Hall, Free School Lane, Cambridge CB2 3RF. Tel 01223 337575. Fax 01223 760949. Varsity is published by Varsity Publications Ltd. Varsity Publications also publishes BlueSci and The Mays. RECYCLING Recycled paper made ©2009 Varsity Publications Ltd. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical photocopying, recording or otherwise up 87.2% of the raw material for UK without prior permission of the publisher. Printed at Iliffe Print Cambridge — Winship Road, Milton, Cambridge CB24 6PP on 48gsm UPM Matt Paper. Registered as a newspaper at the Post Office. ISSN 1758-4442 newspapers in 2008 NEWSPAPERS SUPPORT RECYCLING News Editors: Avantika Chilkoti, Emma Mustich and Beth Staton Friday November 6th 2009 3 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk NewsS Former Australian PM gets the boot at Union speaker meeting » Australian student threw boot at John Howard, accusing him of racism

JUAN ZOBER DE FRANCISCO premiership. Speaking to Varsity, he delivering a speech on the global Matthew Symington cited his objections to Mr Howard’s economy at Cambridge University. Senior Reporter foreign policy and his treatment of Jahnke was taken to court but asylum seekers in Australia as the cleared of all charges amongst claims reason behind his protest. of political interference. John Howard, the former Prime “The immigration detention Both Cambridge protestors seem Minister of Australia, found himself system continued by the Howard to have taken inspiration from an under attack at the Union on Friday government saw asylum seekers incident last December in which night as an angry member of the forcibly incarcerated in detention an Iraqi journalist threw his shoe audience heckled the political fi gure facilities located both in Australia at American President George W. and then threw a boot at him. and offshore. Bush during a news conference in The audience was left baffl ed by “In 2004 over 2000 children had Baghdad. the bizarre incident. Australia’s fallen victim to this harsh immigra- Mr Howard has attracted criticism second-longest-serving Prime Minis- tion policy. The Howard government’s for his close relations with President ter had only just begun his speech approach to people seeking asylum Bush and his support for the ‘War on on “Leadership in a New Century” in Australia was condemned by the Terror’. However, the potency of the when an Australian postgraduate United Nations and I do not believe shoe-thrower’s political statement student loudly called him a racist and that it was a valid way to treat human may have been undermined after he told him to “go home”. Mr Howard beings.” asked a friend to retrieve the shoe he replied that he was not a racist and Julian Domercq, President of the had thrown from the Union so that he that he was going home on Tuesday, Cambridge Union, said in a state- could walk home. after which the student removed his ment, “We cannot condone this kind Indeed, the fact that the shoe did boot and lobbed it at the speaker. of behaviour, and hope that our not reach Mr Howard prompted the The boot was intercepted by members will not be discouraged former premier him to bemoan the Andrew Chapman, a third-year from engaging in reasoned dialogue “pathetic throw”. After the incident Robinson student studying SPS and in future events. We are grateful he jested with Union members that an avid cricketer. to Mr Howard for kindly giving up the student “would never be on my “I didn’t want him to get a clear his time to address our Society, and team”. shot at Mr Howard so I stood up admire the good grace with which he The shoe-thrower told Varsity, to put myself between him and the handled the incident.” “The act of throwing a shoe however former Prime Minister and when he The throwing of shoes at political unoriginal was intended as a threw the shoe I caught it,’’ Chapman fi gures has been a popular method of harmless act of political protest. commented. protest in recent years, not least in “I wished to express my belief that The shoe-thrower, who wished to Cambridge. This February, Darwin the domestic and foreign policies remain anonymous, is an Austra- College postgraduate Martin Jahnke implemented by John Howard’s lian national who lived in Australia threw a shoe at Chinese Premier government in Australia were throughout Mr Howard’s eleven-year Wen Jiabao whilst the leader was unacceptable.” Cambridge hopes to recover funds Government to slash funds for historical building upkeep from Icelandic banks ANNA TRENCH Lucy Hunter Johnston Heritable and is expecting a further Reporter James Wilson £400,000 by the end of 2009. The bank Reporter has also promised the return of £2.9 million of the £4 million owed. Whilst Looking to make total savings of the Council is still owed a further £5 £180m in 2010-11, the Higher Educa- The University has revealed that million by Landsbanki, repayments tion Funding Council for England it hopes to reclaim a “substantial” are expected to begin in 2010. (HEFCE) are proposing a scheme amount of the £11 million it invested The leader of the Council, Ian to scrap a budget that helps pay for in Icelandic bank accounts which Nimmo-Smith, said, “This is good the maintenance of historic build- were frozen in the fi nancial crisis of news. It shows that confi dent, patient ings in many of the country’s top autumn 2008. and persistent work pays off.” universities. The news comes after Cambridge In October, the Council raised car The planned £40m cut of the City Council announced last week parking prices in Cambridge. Council- Historic Buildings Targeted Allow- that it aims to have recovered more lors insisted that the rise was “not to ance (HBTA) will hit Cambridge, than £1 million of the £9 million it is make up for the losses in investments Oxford and King’s College London However, Professor Steve Young, expected to be passed in a matter owed by the end of this year. in Icelandic banks”. especially hard. These institutions Pro-Vice-Chancellor (Planning and of weeks, after which Cambridge Whilst a University spokesman, The Council was one of many taken are used to large payouts to subsidise Resources) said that whatever the will have no choice but to fi nd new speaking Monday to the Cambridge by surprise last year when Iceland’s the extremely heavy costs involved outcome of this specifi c cut, he is ways of funding the often extremely News, could not confi rm either how banks failed. The city’s investments with the upkeep of their buildings. “expecting the next few years to expensive and specialist care needed much money had been paid back to had been made at a time “when both This year Cambridge received be challenging” and that prepara- to maintain the standards of their the University or how much was to banks were assessed as having good £4.2 million from the HBTA to help tions are underway to “prepare the celebrated buildings. be received, a spokesman told Varsity credit ratings”. maintain the huge number of listed University accordingly”. that “overall we are anticipating a The University told the Cambridge and historically valuable buildings HEFCE is also proposing to end substantial recovery in time.” News in September 2008 that it had owned by the University. Oxford a budget that provides £24m in Three per cent of the University’s been working to reduce its invest- received £5.14m, while King’s additional payments to universi- total investments were frozen in ments in Iceland on the advice of College London got a further £2.2m. ties that offer two-year foundation 52 Trumpington Street Icelandic banks last October. Herita- fi nancial advisers, in order to “diver- Manchester, Leeds, Liverpool, degrees and a further £24m for spend- Cambridge CB2 1RG ble bank, a subsidiary of Landsbanki, sify” any risk. Bristol, University College London ing on a premium for fast-tracked was in possession of £8.5 million whilst The University is not, however, and Newcastle each stand to lose postgraduate courses in arts-based FREE CHELSEA BUN Glitnir was holding £2.5 million. in the worst position in the fi nancial more than a million pounds a year. subjects. With every purchase over £2.00 in the shop The spokesman also stated, “there crisis. It was reported in October The HEFCE have already HEFCE said the planned cuts OR are no knock-on impacts on the 2008 that Oxford University faced consulted with University offi cials come in response to the order by FREE MORNING University’s spending plans.” It is losses of up to £30 million in Icelandic about the proposed scrapping of the Lord Mandelson, the Secretary of not known how the money would be banks, whilst the Higher Educa- HBTA. Cambridge advised them of State responsible for universities, COFFEE/TEA (9am-12pm) spent or what it would contribute to. tion Funding Council for England the huge impact it would have on the to make savings. Mandelson is due With any cake or pastry in the restaurant By contrast, Cambridge City disclosed that the 12 English univer- University, and are now awaiting a to announce a plan for the future of on presentation of this voucher Council announced in October that it sities involved could lose £77 million defi nitive response from the HEFCE higher education funding soon. and proof of student status had already recovered £650,000 from in total following the crisis. as to the future of the fund. The plan to cut the HBTA is 4 Friday November 6th 2009 News Editors: Avantika Chilkoti, Emma Mustich and Beth Staton News www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]

joe Pitt-Rashid Primark in Cambridge

expecting 1000 people tomorrow Joe Pitt-Rashid & Charlie Lyons morning,” said Rachael Middleton, Fashion Editors manager of the Oxfam shop opposite Primark. The Primark chain currently faces Super-cheap clothing giant Primark criticism from charities concerning opened its 192nd store this morn- its allegedly unethical production ing. The store is on Cambridge’s methods. War on Want have claimed Burleigh Street, near the Grafton that workers in three Bangladeshi Centre. factories toil for up to 80 hours a The store, which covers 54,000 week, for as little as 7p an hour, leav- square feet, boasts “the most excit- ing them well short of the £44.82 a ing and distinctive new fashion month needed to escape hardship. collections for men, women and Human Resources Director Breege children”, and will come as a great O’Donoghue told Varsity, “We share bonus to many of Cambridge’s bar- our factories with 98.3 per cent of our gain-hungry students. high street competitors. We work Although one might expect nearby with the ETI. We’re not doing any- clothing stores to feel threatened by thing different to anyone else. We’re Primark’s opening, charity shops on only being criticised because we’re a Burleigh Street have welcomed the big retailer and we sell particularly superstore’s arrival and hope it will affordable clothing”. increase trade in the area. Since the The chain claim to keep prices low opening of the Grand Arcade, shop- by cutting costs in areas where their pers have been increasingly absent. competitors splash out. They do not “Obviously we have ethical con- advertise or pursue endorsements, cerns about Primark but we’re mostly and don’t even play music in their looking forward to seeing a bit more stores. They rely on volume of sales business on Burleigh Street. It’s a bit instead of giant mark-ups to gener- of a ghost town down here – they’re ate profit. University admissions overhaul planned as early applications rise by 12 per cent

greatest advantage in the labour Anna Harper market or predicting which skills will Senior Reporter be most in demand in the future. A Russell Group degree is for life – not just for that first graduate job.” Top universities, including Cam- Lord Mandelson’s proposals come bridge, are to be subjected to a fresh with the news that applications to review of their admissions policies, UK universities filed by October 15 as ministers say they must do more are already up 12 per cent on last to open their doors to students from year. This figure factors in applica- underprivileged backgrounds. tions to Cambridge, Oxford, and Sir Martin Harris, head of the Medicine, Dentistry and Veterinary university admissions watch- degrees, and is thought to indicate dog, will consider new targets for that universities’ efforts to encour- research-intensive universities, age participation in higher education aimed at improving access for poorer are working well. students. According to the Russell Group, The move was announced by Lord “evidence about the impact of fees Mandelson, the minister responsi- is promising – there has been no ble for universities, as he presented adverse impact on recruitment. the Government’s ten-year plan for Applications to English universities universities. have continued to increase from stu- Lord Mandelson said that, while dents of all social backgrounds.” the quality of education provided by Lord Mandelson made only passing universities was generally good, it reference to the separate forthcom- “needs to be higher”. ing review of the cap on variable Focus is likely to fall on the Russell tuition fees, which have risen only in Group of research-intensive univer- line with inflation from their original sities in England, which includes ceiling of £3,000. Cambridge and Oxford. Universities Universities will be expected to will have to demonstrate that they become more “consumer-friendly” are making a significant contribu- in the commitments and information tion to Britain’s economy, prioritising they offer to students in the future, courses that match skills gaps: pre- with the prospect of fee-hikes to dominantly science, technology, what many academics believe should engineering and mathematics. be between £5,000 and £7,000 a year. A spokesperson for the Russell The Government’s aim that half of Group said, “We warmly welcome young people aged 18 to 30 should the Government’s commitment to enter higher education will remain -– support science and engineering 43 per cent do so at present – but the courses, which are both vital to the 50% figure originally to be reached by UK economy and in high demand 2010 has been diluted from a “target” from employers. However, higher to a “goal”, with increasing emphasis education must always be more than on those studying part-time for work- just training for a job and care must based foundation degrees, studying be taken in attempting to decide at home, and taking higher education which courses give graduates the level apprenticeships. News Editors: Avantika Chilkoti, Emma Mustich and Beth Staton Friday November 6th 2009 5 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk NewsS CUSU Council Chair resigns Freak weather and overuse of resources caused Nazca collapse » Chris Lillycrop steps down over Graduate Union difficulties

species in the desert zone,” which students’ opinions. part. The motion resolved to “man- Beatrice Ramsay underpinned the floodplain with one Beth Staton The issue was an element, he said, date the CUSU sabbatical officers Reporter of the deepest root systems of any News Editor of why he “had to resign as chair”. to work with the Democracy and tree. As the Nazca cleared these It seems that Lillycrop’s decision Development team in relation to trees to make way for their crops, was further motivated, however, possible constitutional changes and A Cambridge University-led team this vital protection was lost. Chris Lillycrop, former Chair of by fears that personal relationships long-term development.” of archaeologists have solved the “In time, gradual woodland clear- CUSU Council, resigned Wednes- could affect his role. Despite the controversy, many of mystery surrounding the decline of ance crossed an ecological threshold day afternoon after a controversial “Due to a close personal relation- those present at Thursday night’s the Nazca civilisation of Southern – sharply defined in desert environ- week for the Student Union’s demo- ship with one of the sabs, I no longer meeting were pleased with the Peru. ments – exposing the landscape to the cratic setup. felt able to fully commit myself to motion. “Despite many voices slow- Famous for the giant geoglyphs region’s extraordinary desert winds The resignation was prompted defending the interests of Council,” ing things down, it was great to see which they etched into the Peru- and the effects of El Niño floods,” Dr by the “unusual activities of the he said in a statement. some progress” said Gonville and vian desert, the Nazca met their Beresford-Jones explains. past few days,” which resulted in “This had not previously been Caius JCR External Officer, Hugo fate through a combination of freak The team used the 1998 El Niño a CUSU Extraordinary Council problematic, but it became so when Hickson. weather and their own destruction floods as a model, showing that, taking place last night. Lillycrop I was compelled to strongly advise of the natural habitat. without Huarango trees to protect also cited personal considerations in the sabbatical officers at a time of The Nazca culture disappeared against wind and water erosion, a his resignation statement. heightened stress about the nature Who’s Who at CUSU some 1,500 years ago, leaving us similar event finally destroyed the The Thursday meeting’s motion, of their relationship with Council.” with evidence of a rich culture in the Nazca culture altogether. which passed by a comfortable Although he initially declined to The CUSU Executive exists to form of elaborate textiles and fine But the history of Nazca holds margin, proposed a “more forma- comment on his resignation, Lilly- carry out the mandates of CUSU ceramics. lessons for today, and the team’s lised relationship between CUSU crop issued a statement after news Council, the governing body of discoveries hold huge relevance for and the Graduate Union”, involv- that Tom Chigbo had given JCR CUSU. It is divided into groups of present day settlers in the middle ing sabbatical representation for Presidents misleading reasons for representatives, each focusing on Ica Valley. graduate students, and a full-time the resignation. particular areas of activity, includ- Here history is repeating itself “caseworker”, who would free the “Out of a desire to protect CUSU’s ing Democracy and Development, as the Huarango trees, which take Welfare and Graduates sabbatical reputation, it had been my intention Welfare, and Ethical Affairs. Most thousands of years to reach matu- officer’s time by dealing with wel- to refrain from giving comment to teams are headed by sabbatical rity, are being felled for charcoal fare issues. the press on my resignation, but I officers, who attend weekly Coor- production. Concerns were raised, however, was forced to abandon this position dination meetings to organise the The time has come, Beresford- over the closed nature of discussions by the unfortunate fact that several Council-mandated campaigns. Jones argues, for us to stop sitting between sabbatical officers and the JCR Presidents had an incorrect There are currently six sabbatical in our ‘ivory towers’ and educate the GU, and the lack of consultation impression as to my reasons for officers, who are elected annually local people. given to the council and the Democ- resigning,” Lillycrop said. to work full-time for the Student It is also believed that defores- racy and Development team which “I was disappointed to find out Union. Any student may propose tation was crucial in the demise of Lillycrop chaired. that Tom Chigbo had been telling a motion to the council, which Nazca geoglyphs in the Peruvian desert both the Easter Island civilisation, Although CUSU sabbatical offi- JCR Presidents that my resignation comprises representatives from and the fall of the Anasazi people of cers stressed that the motion was was unconnected to the Extraordi- JCRs, Faculties, and autonomous Through work in the lower Ica the south-western United States. “not prescriptive” and merely nary Council, although I trust Tom campaigns, as well as the CUSU valley, Cambridge’s Dr David Beres- The examples are also relevant to grounds for continued democratic in his assurances that this was not a Executive. Of the sabbatical offi- ford-Jones and his team have found our present day struggles against consultation, Lillycrop said aspects deliberate implication on his part.” cers only the Women’s Officer sits that the Nazca collapse was caused global warming – a phenomenon of it were examples of “fundamental As well as the reform of the rela- on the council. by the clearing of Huarango trees, partly caused by deforestation. dishonesty”. He asserted that the tionship between CUSU and the GU, The Graduate Union works sepa- which had maintained an ecological Dr Beresford-Jones stressed that, Sabbaticals’ opposition to dropping last night’s Extraordinary Council rately from, but in complement to, balance in the area. while history shows us humans are certain clauses, which concerned motion took care to stress the impor- CUSU, and is made of elected offi- Dr Beresford-Jones describes the capable of bringing about their own a change to CUSU’s electorate, tance of consultation with Council cers who each hold their posts for Huarango as “a remarkable nitro- destruction, a knowledge of history proved they “did not mean what and the Democracy and Develop- one year. gen-fixing tree” and an important may help to prevent such disasters. they said” about wanting to hear ment team, of which Lillycrop was a source of food, timber and fuel for “By understanding past mistakes the people. we can learn how to manage our The tree is an “ecological keystone present resources better,” he said. Eighth annual African Film Festival underway

essentialising media portrayals of The festival has also welcomed Heidi Aho the continent” by bringing diverse renowned speakers such as Mark Reporter images of African people and cul- Ashurst, director of the Africa INNOVATION. tures to UK audiences. Research Institute, and many of the “Our focus this year on films which showings will be followed by Q&A MAKE IT HAPPEN Cambridge is playing host to its 8th deal with Africans’ perspectives on sessions with the film’s directors. African Film Festival this week. love and sex, and the vitality of sport More information on the event The annual festival, which will run cultures in Africa, are particularly can be found at www.facebook.com/ We’re looking for the most until Sunday November 8th, aims to challenging of stereotypes,” she said. cambridgeafricanfilmfestival talented and creative provide a platform for African film- scientists and engineers to makers and “shatter stereotypes of an Africa dominated by disease, invent breakthrough products famine, and violence”. for the world’s most The festival features such films as Princesa de Africa, best documen- innovative companies tary at this year’s Tarifa African Film Festival, and the UK première of Fahrenheit 2010, which explores the 2010 World Cup and its effect on South African communities. Screenings have attracted audi- ences from both universities, as well as Cambridge locals and fans from nearby cities such as Norwich and London. Founded in 2002 by a small group of Cambridge graduate stu- www.innoviatech.com dents, it will show over 20 African Meet us and learn more, 17th November 2009 at 7pm films in 11 days. Festival director Sidney Sussex, William Mong building Lindiwe Dovey said CAFF’s role was to “challenge negative and 6 Friday November 6th 2009 News Editors: Avantika Chilkoti, Emma Mustich and Beth Staton NNews www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]

Politico The University of Cambridge 800th Anniversary Culinary Competition 2009 Eight food presentation classes, two front of house classes and one hungry news reporter – matthew Symington reports from yesterday’s judging session at the Cambridge Guildhall

ALASTAIR APPLETON Let’s be honest, for most students Steward’s Cup for the College team College food is nothing to write home that wins the most points through- about. The word ‘buttery’ is ubiqui- out the competition. tously associated with overcooked In this, Sidney Sussex College Round-up: CUSU meat and a small helping of the same are the team to beat. Last year Council Meeting pudding that has been on offer for their small but dedicated team of Monday 2nd days. But then, as undergraduates, seven chefs beat off stiff competi- we rarely encounter the positively tion from Emmanuel and Queens’ to November glamorous world of college hospital- win the Cup; this year they form the ity – Formal Hall with Sainsbury’s biggest contingent in the competi- finest rosé does not count. This tion with not only seven chefs but An uncontroversial night in side of College catering is what the five front of house staff entered. the CUSU Council chamber, University of Cambridge Culinary Pembroke College and Emmanuel without a single “against” vote Competition is all about. College have, however, the most recorded. The standard is spectacular. Given entries by class. First off, the CUSU welfare that I attended the competition Speaking to some of the competi- team wished to print out without having had lunch I may be tors reveals just how much effort “useful contacts cards” featur- given to hyperbole; yet I think it is goes into the preparation of the ing support and guidance phone fair to describe the food presented dishes, Bill Simonet said: “Chefs numbers. After such construc- less as dishes than as art one would will often have to make just one dish tive debate as, “What do you feel too guilty to dig a spoon into. In over a matter of days and entrants think the Ethical affairs team the cold sweets section I noticed a in the competition put their final think about the environmental chocolate sculpture of a water-well, touches on today’s entries in the impact of printing 7,000 contact intricately carved to include a bucket early hours of this morning.” This is cards?”, the expenditure was not much bigger than a finger nail particularly impressive given that approved unanimously. The hanging from a rope (pictured). participating chefs must keep up motion may seem trivial, but This year’s contest has attracted with their regular catering duties anything tangible from CUSU a record number of entries with 72 during competition time. should be welcomed. chefs from 16 different Colleges However, according to Stephen “Exploiting access” was participating. According to Bill Mather the effort is worth it: “On an another motion, countering the Simonet, Catering Manager at individual level, apart from winning growing number of companies Selwyn College and a co-ordinator the actual awards, all of our winners offering interview training and of the event, the keenness of this are given recognition for their insider secrets to Oxbridge year’s contest has paid dividends: efforts in their personal develop- applicants, extorting money “The standard of the competition ment reports which in turn helps from nervous hopefuls and this year has been fantastic,” he with their career progression.” undermining the University’s said, “probably even better than last It is unlikely that students will work in advertising the applica- year. Many things contributed to the reap much of the benefits of the tions process as simple and fair. record number of entries this year, vegetarian main courses, the under- Griffiths, and 15 other respected Colleges’ latest haute cuisine. Still, Inevitably, the council agreed, if not the 800th anniversary then 21s, cold sweets, afternoon tea cakes members of the food industry: the College Culinary Competition is so CUSU will now campaign perhaps the location which is central and petits fours. In addition to this, chefs, catering managers and food a testament to the quality, range and against such operations. and close to all the Colleges.” nine front of house staff have entered hygiene specialists. These people creativity of food being concocted One of the final motions The competition encompasses the competition to show off their are responsible for deciding who somewhere in the depths of our called for support of the Alan eight different classes; canapés, waiting and table setting skills. wins the award for Best in Show Colleges to be devoured by people Turing campaign, funding a cold starters, hot main courses, hot The judges include an MBE, Peter and Best Newcomer, as well as the more important than ourselves. statue of commemoration. The mathematics undergraduate and fellow of King’s College is credited with a key role in inventing modern computing Hi! Society: The Cambridge Cougars and was invaluable in the code- breaking efforts of Bletchley Cambridge University Cheerleading Society: “Brr, it’s cold in here. There must be some Cougars in the atmosphere” Park during WWII. He was, however, tragically persecuted In stark contrast to the bicycles and coaches. fruition by students too. According for his sexuality and committed Gothic courts of this institution, The squad was started three to Humphrey, “inspiration mostly suicide at 41. This uncontrover- stand the ever energetic, scantily years ago by Alison Berner from comes from American teams but sial motion exemplifies what clad girls (and boys) who make up Jesus College. From humble begin- we try to be creative and original to CUSU Council is for, allowing the “Cambridge Cougars” Cheer- nings as a College society it became stand out at competitions.” students fast and effective means leading Society. University-wide just a year later The squad, clad in turquoise and of gaining CUSU support. To the bemused tourist, this lively and has since flourished, with the white, boast a bevy of supporters A counterexample of just and interesting group must look squad crowned ICC British National who, irony aside, cheer them on at how badly the council can falter more like the cast of an American Open Champion in Senior Co-Educa- competitions and events. The squad’s followed, when it took half an teen film than Cambridge students. tional Cheer Division 2 this year. The Facebook group is a testament to hour to elect four candidates Yet, the 45 or so members, of whom squad also claimed third place in the its popularity. A constant hive of to the five posts on the cross- four are male, call Cambridge home. BCA University Championships activity, it is awash with members campus elections committee. They are a lively bunch who enjoy Co-Educational Cheer Division 2 posting such claims as, “Last night Credit where it’s due to those outings to Thorpe Park and nights and second place in the same compe- was INSANE! GO CAMBRIDGE!” who volunteered for the thank- out in Cambridge. However, it’s tition’s Co-Educational Group Stunt, Let’s just hope for competition’s less task, especially to the new not all fun and drink: although the both in 2009. sake that their days this year are as face in the crowd of regulars. majority of members have never However, the work doesn’t stop memorable as their nights. Perhaps this sums up the top done cheerleading before their first at the execution of routines, which Humphrey would urge all inter- end of CUSU quite well; an training session, members of the must incorporate a variety of ested parties, “no matter what their exclusive club, not by design but squad work their way up “quite a elements, including basket tosses year, gender or level of experience”, simply because precious few are steep learning curve” according to and tumbles, but extends to chore- to come to training. It’s never too interested. oli mcfarlane Cally Humphrey, one of this year’s ography, which is entirely brought to late to become enthusiastic, after all. News Editors: Avantika Chilkoti, Emma Mustich and Beth Staton Friday November 6th 2009 7 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk NewsS

Cambridge College Spies St John’s Watch Corpus Christi This Tuesday, the British Council revealed three Students at Corpus Christi College have been winners of the Dr Manmohan Singh scholar- contacted on behalf of the College’s Dean and ships for 2010 to 2012. These scholarships, fi rst Senior Tutor, regarding “a lot of vomiting awarded in 2007, are presented in honour of the recently” and the need to “chunder respon- Indian Prime Minis- sibly” “in a toilet” rather than leaving it for ter who studied at housekeeping to deal with. St John’s College The issue has arisen in other colleges too, and has been made with some JCRs put on “puke-patrol” after Bops an honorary fellow and some enforcing a fi ne for there. The scholar- mess created. The commu- ships are aimed at nication at Corpus went Indian nationals on to address problems below the age of regarding intimidation 35, who have never in the College bar, with been exposed to the threats of “restrict- British education ing Bar service”. Trick or Beat? system or received One student Drunk like Freshers and funding from the King’s commented, “I dressed like budding Hassel- UK government. think it’s quite hoffs on acid, two revellers Applicants are all King’s College has sent out a notice in prepara- funny that there vexed one another over an fluent in English tion for the Queen’s visit on November 19th, is a need for the upset bottle this weekend. and looking to when Her Majesty will dine at the College. JCR President to Rather than the usual apologies complete a PhD Only members of the College and those who tell us to not vomit in and pardons, one displeased scallywag thrust the smashed Dr Manmohan Singh or M.Phil in the have previously notifi ed the Head Porter will be bed, you’d think there fi elds of science and allowed to enter, breakfast and lunch will not be would be more impor- bottle in the face of his clumsy technology, economics or social sciences at St served and “the SCR, Pantry, Hall, Cafeteria, tant things...to worry associate and, befuddled by the darkness, began lashing John’s. The presentations are made after a Bar area and Coffee Shop...will not be acces- about. I think poten- out at innocent bystanders. careful shortlisting process and interviews in sible” between 8am and 4pm. However, the tially shutting the bar Fortuitously, a crew having New Delhi. Worth around £35,000 each, the College’s students have been dutifully assured is taking it too far. It’s a rollocking good time close funds cover fees, airfare, monthly living costs that “disruption to the life of the College will be where most people go to eat by used their stern acumen to and visa expenses. kept to a minimum”. lunch or dinner rather than puke!” catch the offender mid-stroke, escorting him outside with the token unimpressed porter who features all too regularly in this column. Next spotted suited University and booted at the Dean’s door, the twin amateurs aren’t to be Oxford University Zhejiang University expected at future festivities. Watch Stupor-vision Antonia Bruch, a fi rst-year student at Regent’s Dr Tu Xuxin, a senior academic, has commit- Park College, died last Tuesday after contract- ted suicide by jumping off one of the university One innocent lass, with the ing bacterial meningitis. Principal Dr Robert buildings. He had only just joined the insti- smarts of a sage but the toler- ance of a tenderfoot tweenager Ellis says the college is deeply saddened. He Cardiff University tution, having previously been studying in was offered champagne at a asserts that although Bruch had only been at Northwestern University, USA. It is claimed, supervision this very Monday. the college for a short time, she was a valued Bonfas Odinga, a 35-year-old Cardiff student, based on a six page note he left, that he commit- The nervous scholar could but member. The college is receiving advice from has been cleared of accusations made about him ted suicide due to corruption in the university. accept. However, a few sips left the Thames Valley Health Protection Agency groping a fellow student. The woman claimed Xuxin claimed that he had been lured back our protagonist light-headed and and students and staff have been informed that he had grabbed her by the waistband of to Zhejiang with promises made about his a few more tipped her over the about symptoms to look out for. These include a her jeans, put his hands down the back of them position. However, having allegedly been led edge, into the dark swarming high fever, a stiff neck, drowsiness or confusion, and then put his hands on her breasts and face. to expect a salary between £20,000 and £30,000, depths of dipsomania. Slamming severe headaches and red or purple bruise- The incident was alleged to have occurred when he was given only £5,000. He claims that he felt down her delicate crystal goblet with the unnecessary, like spots that do not fade under pressure. she went to his fl at in order to give him some he had disappointed his family. On October 31st self-evident exclamation, “I’m magazines for a university project. She went The Health Protection Agency is also giving the replacement for resigning Education Minis- drunk” our lovely lady proceeded precautionary antibiotic treatments to those on to claim special consideration in her work ter Zhou Ji was announced, although no direct to giggle profusely before storm- who have been in close contact with Bruch. because of the trauma he had allegedly caused connection with Xuxin’s death was made. ing out prematurely. her, Odinga’s lawyers accused her of construct- University of Lincoln ing the story so she would be able to do so. King’s College London Firemen and Hoes A gaggle of infamous drinkers University of Lincoln student, George McClel- The “No Cuts@King’s” (see left) campaign made their mid-week outing in the garbs of a “Blazing Squad”, land, has been ordered to register as a sex organized a rally of over 70 students last of sorts. All was well until one Tuesday. The protest opposed cuts across offender by Lincoln Crown Court. of said party got, arguably, McClelland was prosecuted for using the all departments but many of the group were excessively involved in the social networking site Bebo to groom under- Engineering students, upset at the planned evening’s theme, reeling out his age girls for sex, before travelling to meet with closure of the department. The group marched own personal hose and taking them. McClelland, who is 25 years old, told across Waterloo Bridge to the Principal’s offi ce a tinkle over the bar. This act the court that he only wanted to talk to the and back, chanting “No ifs, no buts, no educa- failed to extinguish the fi res of youths as he was feeling lonely. However, he tion cuts”. Some students also walked out of the barman’s wrath, however, was found guilty by the jury. He faces three lectures 10 minutes early to symbolize the 10% leaving the troop banned from the College’s hall. It’s true what charges of meeting an underage child after cuts proposed. A King’s spokesperson told the they say - “He’s always on the sexual grooming. He has also pleaded guilty London Student that “any cuts that might scene! Fireman Sam. And his to the charge of possession of indecent photo- ensue are not intended to have an adverse engine’s bright and clean...Sam graphs of children. impact on the student experience.” JOSIE FILMER is the hero next door”. 8 Friday November 6th 2009 News Editors: Avantika Chilkoti, Emma Mustich and Beth Staton News www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]

News Feature “BNP mole” Ray Hill to speak CUSU Black Students’ Campaign at Union Natalie Szarek and Amiya Bhatia, their Caucasian classmates. Rob Mindell CUSU Women’s and Welfare Officers, Camilla Greene This is, according to Ramin Hassan, Reporter have been coordinating the CUSU Reporter a representative from the Civil diversity campaign of which Hill’s Service, because people’s percep- appearance is a part. tions of British institutions such as Ray Hill, advertised in the Union’s “Issues of equality are exactly What does the term “black” really the law and the civil service need to term card as “the famous ‘BNP what a students’ union should be stand for, and what meaningful role start changing. “People are intimi- mole’”, is set to address Cambridge campaigning on: all students have a can the new CUSU Black Students’ dated by what are seen as all-white students about his experiences on the right to a positive student experience, Campaign (BSC) play in a society institutions, and they don’t realise political far right. which includes living and studying in that, its executive committee affirm, that, in the space of ten to 15 years, Hill’s Tuesday appearance at the an inclusive and diverse university is already diverse and tolerant? they could be sitting in Parliament, Union, co-hosted by CUSU, is expected setting” Szarek said. At the BSC Ethnic minorities fair, advising on policy.” to illustrate the severity of BNP policy. Tuesday’s event is co-hosted I spoke to Farah Jasat and Safian While ethnic minorities incen- It closely follows ‘Cambridge by Cambridge University Jewish Younas, two of the four BSC execu- tives exist, people aren’t applying University Stands Up’, a campaign Society (JSOC). JSOC co-president tive members, whose dynamic efforts for them. Within Civil Service against the “xenophobia, racism, Marc Wiseman told Varsity that the this term have already brought fast-stream, there is still under- sexism and homophobia we face in society was pleased to be hosting Ray us three black history-related representation. our community”. Hill. “Among other things, the BNP film screenings, and a careers fair name-change that will clarify this A black-African student I spoke Hill became involved in far-right stands for racist and anti-Semitic attended by the likes of Google, the issue. Moreover, while they are to at the fair was positive about the politics with Leicestershire’s Racial values,” he said. Civil Service, Deloitte, Teach First sensitive to the fact that students profile of CUSU BSC, and rejected Preservation Society in the 1960s, “Their Holocaust denial and and Clifford Chance. of non-white origin are likely to my suggestion that the ethnic minor- later occupying high-level positions endorsement of neo-Nazism is Safian tells me that the BSC exists have a different experience to their ities fair was in danger of seeming in the South African National Front a concern for the Jewish commu- in order to voice the concerns, address counterparts, they do not want to patronising, and could actually deter and the British Movement. nity. We, like many other minorities the issues, and cater to the needs of all increase community segregation. minorities from coming. “If you feel Returning to the UK he became in the UK, feel threatened by the students of ethnic-minority origin. “While it’s fantastic that we are so used to being a minority that involved with the BNP, but began re-emergence of the BNP. To this end, they are forming perma- now on an equal footing,” Safian you can’t be comfortable in a room acting as an informant for anti-fascist “We hope that Tuesday’s talk will nent links with all JCR minorities stresses, “the University is not as when you are in the majority, that group Searchlight in 1979. In 1984 he educate Cambridge students about officers, and are collaborating with cohesive an environment as it could says something about you,” she revealed himself to be a ‘mole’ in a the threat that the BNP poses to the University cultural societies, be.” Part of the BSC’s role will be returned. Channel 4 documentary. minorities in the UK.” such as the Afro-Caribbean and the to provide educational talks and film Pakistan society, in order to reach as screenings, such as the recent trilogy many students as possible. shown during Black History Month, But why the name ‘Black Students’ but it will also be a forum for social Campaign’? Neither Safian nor Farah contact that goes beyond religious or Fly Round the World are what would be racially termed as cultural boundaries. ‘black’, so I ask them about their “University is your main chance to definition, and the various problems learn about communities beyond your for Under £1000! it may cause. field of reference,” Safian argues, According to the NUS national “and that should be encouraged.” initiative, ‘black’ is a catch-all term With the upcoming annual NUS London » Dubai » that can be used to describe all conference in London, issues of Bangkok » Sydney non-white ethnic minorities. Is there integration will run alongside those London Melbourne a danger in trying to create links of academic performance. Statistics (overland) » Auckland where the only tie is a shared minor- suggest that 18 per cent of male Dubai (overland) Christchurch » Dubai ity status? Could such a grouping Muslims and 15 per cent of female Bangkok not only create internal divisions, but Muslims remain unemployed within » London also alienate a Caucasian community six months of leaving university. As that feels excluded from the business graduates, ‘black’ people are three Sydney 7-stops from of the BSC? times as likely to be employed within Auckland Safian and Farah assure me that six months. After five years, they Melbourne Christchurch the committee is looking into a can earn up to nine per cent less than rTWLON20 £755Price includes taxes Round the World Experts is committed to finding you the best deal. We guarantee you: Your own dedicated The widest choice Travel Butler The widest choice of airfares and •Developed in close collaboration A free service offering total airfare combinations on sale in with Cambridge University Press support throughout your travels. the UK plus all the travel extras, Low Price Promise from hotels to tours, insurance and other publishing professionals and more. If we can’t find you a cheaper airfare † •Master classes from senior in the same cabin , we will beat it*. ! professionals Gift Voucher •Work experience and mentoring FREE Make a booking with Cambridge 3 Month Australian opportunities Round the World Experts for your ^ FREE Australian tourist visa. 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MA Publishing Promise will be honoured if there are seats or group of seats still available to be booked in the same cabin as per the itinerary contained on the competitor’s quote. For full terms & conditions & the definition of †cabin, visit our website. Offer is subject to change at any time. ^Only one voucher per booking. Not redeemable for cash. Must be used at Cambridge Round the World Experts store. Can not be used with any other offer. Redeemable for new booking only & must be booked with Round the World trip. Comment Editor: Dan Hitchens Friday Novemver 6th 2009 9 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk Comment tHe essay: But Not In Practice

nything in principle may be progeny of structuralism and theorized, though not every- For the last forty years, so-called ‘theory’ has tried thus extreme anti-realists, were Athing needs theory in order to colonize the humanities, and students are its chief innocent bystanders, especially to be understood, or is equally since some radicals criticize them amenable to theorization. Conse- victims, says RoBERt GRaNt. But art, literature, truth as not far enough Left, and even quently, not all theories are alike. as ‘conservative’ (Terry Eagle- Some are mere generalizations and our political future are all equally endangered ton). These are grave charges. from past experience, while others Michael lovett But the accused can rest easy. have, or acquire, genuine explana- Their ‘obscurantist terrorism’ tory and predictive power. In many (Foucault on Derrida, no less), their cases practical familiarity with the quasi-Dadaist denial of meaning, thing to be understood is enough. truth and reference, their refusal In others, it is not, because the said to engage in genuine dialogue, thing does not wear its explanation their substitution of sophisms for on its face. argument, are perhaps the ultimate We need no ‘deep’ theory to in nihilist ‘subversion’. In them understand why Othello murders we see prefigured a world with no Desdemona. All we need, though common discourse, no objective these things demand more effort proof, no negotiation, no adjudica- than many a theory, is a sensitivity tion, no reconciliation of interests to language (including Shake- or anything else, but only naked speare’s), some knowledge of the power and will, and no settlement human world (ditto), and a habit of of differences except by force. I say grown-up reflection. On the other prefigured, but we have been there hand, only a theory can tell me that before. What kind of deliverance my solid-seeming desk is ‘really’ from ‘bourgeois’ power can this be, a lattice-work of atoms vibrating that ends in the Gulag? in empty space. Of course, to the We may console ourselves with joiner who made it, as to me who two things. First, none of this am using it, the desk actually is structuralist-descended Theory solid. The scientific and the practi- can be true, since it denies the cal views differ, but do not conflict. evidence, or what it is evidence for.) Such introverted, purist by or about such constituencies, possibility of truth (the Liar It is all a question of scale, and Theory embraces two or three approaches are clearly useless, at is their supposed ‘voice’. (It is as Paradox, to be shouted from the which view we adopt will depend genuine (if largely discredited) least in their original guises, for though artistic representation were housetops). Secondly, Theory as upon our purposes. theories, such as Marxism and unmasking the iniquities of Western somehow equivalent to political.) a whole is more or less confined For forty-odd years a movement psychoanalysis, but is other- culture, capitalism, rationality and The question is not whether the to the universities, where it called ‘Theory’ (mostly Paris ’68, wise a rag-bag of loosely related other bêtes noires of the Left. To oppression is real, nor whether we functions mostly as a promotional by provenance) has attempted to metaphorical ‘takes’ on the world. be convincingly oppressive, those should do anything about it. It is ladder for staff. It is just tough on colonize the humanities, particu- It sees itself, correctly, as a broadly evils have to be objective realities, how far literature and criticism can honest students forced to simulate larly literature. Several things left-wing phenomenon; and, less not mere linguistic precipitates. relevantly be conscripted into the belief in it. You will search their deserve note. First, literary theory accurately, as one whose academic Now, Marx and Freud thought they cause of ‘liberation’ (or anything prescribed reading in vain for proper is nothing new. Indeed, it credentials are in no way compro- were scientists, and were certainly else), and thus serve, and be judged any counter-arguments, though continues to be fruitfully pursued, mised by its being politically metaphysical realists. As they saw by, an external end. A novel may there are plenty, let alone for any only in philosophy departments, affiliated. Its non-political sources, it, they had discovered the truth be unexceptionably feminist, and mention of the De Man scandal or which have overwhelmingly shown structuralism and formalism (both beneath appearances, which was thus as virtuous as you please, but the sublime Sokal hoax. big-T Theory the door. Next, pre-war in origin) are almost normally suppressed by various still be a very bad novel. Does its though Theory’s ambitions have extinct. Structuralism deliberately cultural or psychological mecha- content, of itself, give it a claim on latterly (and ludicrously) extended never turned its attention from nisms (ideology, false consciousness, our specifically literary attention, even to science, it is only in the signs to the things they signify, and repression, and so on). or constitute an alternative kind Robert Grant is Professor of the History of ‘soft’ subjects, literature and sociol- thus threw no light on the ‘real’ Theory is permeated, perhaps of literary merit, perhaps with its Ideas at Glasgow University, where he has ogy (where some of it originated), world (which according to it was even generated, by this conflict own matching ‘canon’? Or is there taught English Literature since 1974. He has that Theory has found a haven, and mostly derivative shadow-play, and model, a paranoid discourse of no such thing as specifically literary held visiting posts in the USA and Portugal, occasionally even a crown. (Those in any case irrelevant). Formalism power, hegemony, domination, merit, or a literary sphere? and has lectured there, in Japan and in disciplines are ‘soft’ in permitting might interest the curious, but concealment and resistance. Social- If not, then exit literature as an Central Europe, where, in Communist maximum liberty of interpretation: explained little. A formula for all ist, feminist, post-colonial and academic study, and eventually all times, after a strenuous interview, he was in literature because its subject- fictions is like a grammar for all queer theory not only are, but the humanities, politics included. officially awarded the title of Undesirable matter, fiction, virtually requires sentences: it may be true, but it even boast of being, the ‘academic It might be thought that, though Person. He has published two books of it; in sociology because, despite tells you nothing about the content arm’ of political movements agitat- firmly in the Theory camp, decon- essays and a pioneering study of Michael its scientific pretensions, nobody of any particular fiction or sentence, ing on behalf of ‘oppressed’ or structionists, post-modernists Oakeshott, whose authorized biography is quite sure what constitutes which is what you want to know. ‘marginalized’ groups. Literature, and the like, being the wayward he is now writing.

saw an arm raised above the a remarkably marginal figure providing a rapturous alternative Again the traffic lights that skim Underrated water.” All attempts at rescue emerges. Yet throughout his to ‘Prufrock’ and ‘The Waste Land’. thy swift Week 5: Hart Crane failed, and Crane’s body was short life Crane wrote poetry of Written in a style not unfit Unfractioned idiom, immaculate never retrieved. His name was thrilling lyricism and epic scope. for the Shakespearean stage, sigh of stars, inscribed onto his father’s grave- He rejected the pessimism of ‘Voyages’ invites us to share in Beading thy path – condense stone a year later, appended with T.S. Eliot, in favour of pursuing the heartbreak and desire that eternity: the words ‘Lost at Sea’. These “spiritual events and possibilities inspired Crane. Better still is ‘The And we have seen night lifted in tragic biographical details remind as real and possible now as in the Bridge’, a sprawling and miscella- thine arms. us of a poet who, in reading as in time of Blake”. neous work which reads as a poetic A complete and ‘unfractioned’ life, deserved more attention; a To grasp these possibilities picture book of American life. It symbol in which ‘eternity’ is piece of sunken literary treasure. Crane fell in love, with Emil Opffer fuses everyday speech, jazz and condensed, Crane speaks beauti- The son of divorced parents, and with the Brooklyn Bridge. pop culture with Platonic myth, fully to the bridge as though a Crane stood out amongst the Out of these relationships came allusion and the most abstract, friend. And yet his poem was met modernist scene of the 1920s as ‘Voyages’ and ‘The Bridge’, a metaphorical verse. From his with scorn, reviewers deeming it an autodidact, having abandoned series of triumphant love lyrics apartment building Crane could the work of an immoral, gay artist. school at age sixteen in order to and the visionary long poem to see Brooklyn Bridge, and came Now, we should forget such preju- art Crane committed travel to New York and begin which he had always aspired. to view it as capable of uniting all dices and take Crane’s flailing arm suicide in 1932. It was writing. Add Crane’s homosexual- Taken together they represent the his influences and ideas. Let me in ours. Eliot d’Silva Hreported that “a life boat ity to his lack of a secure home most challenging American poetry, conclude by quoting his address was lowered; some claim they and educational credentials, and blazing with rhetorical energy and to it: 10 Friday November 6th 2009 Comment Editor: Dan Hitchens Comment and Editorial www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]

Believe it or not, women’s

Established in 1947 colleges have never been more Issue No 705 Old Examination Hall, Free School Lane, Cambridge, CB2 3RF relevant and necessary Telephone: 01223 337575 Fax: 01223 760949 obstacles as they did in the past. it acts as a crucible for new ideas. Julia Rampen With the invention of the pill, On the one hand, it allows under- amorous ladies and gentlemen no graduates to discuss women’s longer need to be kept apart until issues without being sucked into Useless in Theory the B.A. is in the bag. Amongst the contentious feminist vs. male large bronze gate stands their peers at least, female students chauvinist debate. On the other, It is particularly interesting to read this week’s essay by Robert at the old entrance to are an accepted part of the commu- women’s colleges are an important Grant in light of Lord Mandelson’s proposals. Mandelson has A Newnham College. Today, nity. With the exception of one or source of funding for female academ- claimed that universities should be restructured to obey the laws its elaborate design is kept in two Old Boys foaming at the mouth, ics. A Times Higher Education good condition. But in 1921, it was and serve the needs of the market. In his assault on ‘Theory’, most men advocate a woman’s study found that in 2000 only 9.8% almost destroyed. Male students, right to higher education. If I bring of UK professorships were held by Grant describes how this forty year old movement has colonized celebrating the university’s refusal up the issue of women’s colleges women. As of 2004-5, women had yet the humanities in Universities and brought with it a paranoid to award women degrees, used a with my male friends, they often to make up even half of Cambridge obsession with power, a reductionist approach to ‘truth’ and an handcart to batter the bottom of it react in the same way: ‘But why? post-graduate students. If change is academically irresponsible partiality. In both cases the true cause to pieces. happening, it’s far from complete. of education is being given over to a joyless sophistry. Historically at least then, the And that is precisely why we As bastions of culture and civilisation, universities exist precisely women’s colleges stand out as a should hesitate to pass judgement to combat the potential philistinism and short sightedness of testament to hope and change. on this issue. Such places naturally capitalism. Mandelson’s comments are therefore the worst form Yet in 2005, St. Mary’s College in have a culture that is curious about of free market triumphalism: stretching capitalist values into Durham finally opened its doors women. And as academic institu- areas meant to be kept free from such material concerns. ‘Theory’ to men. The following year, the tions, they allow that curiosity to may be a dubious perversion of the humanities, which through governing body of St. Hilda’s, form the basis for research and erecting a barrier to entry for anyone who cannot ‘discourse’ on the Oxford, voted to end its life as analysis. ‘signifiers’ and ‘aestheticisation’ does great damage to the regard a single-sex institution. Such The controversy of debates of university pursuits. However, if Mandelson’s CEOs invade our events lead us to ask: is there still concerning women – from the glass campuses armed with their calculators and the ‘rigour’ of Cost a place for a women’s college in ceiling to the burka – suggests that Benefit Analysis, it would herald an even more worrying university Cambridge? although we have many questions, culture. Many people – including definitive answers have yet to be residents of Newnham and Murray produced. And looking at women Edwards – will say no. In the I’m not sexist!’ Finally, however is relevant in a broader perspec- country as a whole, the achieve- we construct our lives within the tive as well. Muhammad Yunus, ments of the women’s movements bubble of a university town, in the the pioneer of micro-credit, found If the Shoe hits... are enshrined in law, and can never real world men and women have that lending specifically to women now be reversed. In Cambridge, to learn to interact, whether it’s was the best way to alleviate As the new opening of Primark reminds us, trends spread like the existence of separate colleges solving problems in an office, or poverty. In an age where the global wildfire and it’s not always easy to see why. When we were in the seems to hark back to an era of dividing up the household chores. population is rapidly expanding, it playground it was yoyos, then tamagotchis. Fads and games that quite different social norms. Born These are all powerful arguments is surely useful to investigate the switched and shifted so fast it was impossible to keep track. And out of the monastic tradition, against women’s colleges, so far link between a woman’s education if you ever stopped for a moment to question the point you rarely Cambridge colleges opposed the as college implies the place where and the number of children she will found a satisfactory answer. presence of women as a matter of students eat, sleep and socialise. have. The new craze is show throwing. First Bush got a boot, then course. This preoccupation with Yet because of the piecemeal way Separate colleges for women the Chinese premier Wen Jiabao got one here in Cambridge last chastity still shaped colleges in the in which Cambridge developed, reflect the social mores of a bygone Lent, and now the ex-Prime Minister of Australia gets one at 19th century – as any student who colleges have other important age. But they also represent impor- Union. The prerequisite is simple: a sense of injustice. The rules has to trek to Girton will know all functions as well. My college, tant participants in today’s greatest too well. Religious women today Newnham, isn’t just the longest debates. As 21st century students, are simple: throw an unattractive shoe at the target of your anger, may argue that only single-sex corridor in Europe. It’s a hub for we inherit a rich legacy of academic and preferably miss. What many spectators are finding difficult to colleges can meet their needs. Yet women, hosting everything from research and discussion. 700 years ascertain is the benefit of this excuse for a sport. ultimately, any college can arrange the Feminist Shebang to pudding of that, however, was written exclu- At Cambridge we pride ourselves on articulating ourselves. Sure, to reserve an accommodation block seminars where female students sively by men. Any academic space if there was no opportunity to speak, then it might be relevant to for women. And arguably, the and academics present their that focuses on women, however throw a shoe. But if there is a chance to have a battle of words with place for a government-subsidised work. It’s a database of contacts eccentrically organised, is relevant the target of your wrath, it would be more effective and surely university is really the secular for alumnae starting out on their and valuable. At Europe’s best more satisfying to get your violence out verbally. It may still fall domain. careers – networking lunches are university, it would be foolish to short, but at least there’s a chance of saying something intelligible. Nor do women face the same held regularly. And like all colleges, overlook that.

of living in a safe city: the police reality to this essay suggests a scientists of centuries ago. What, have got nothing better to do. new field of ‘research’. Poynton we should ask ourselves, are the Letters to the Editor Sam Freeman should use the term ‘paranonsense’, unjustified beliefs of our times? Emmanuel although that is clearly a tautology. Tash Dennich David Baynard Trinity sympathise entirely with George trying to shit myself’ to lament a Somebody should tell John Poynton Emmanuel IReynolds’ sentiment of wanting lack of comic cultivation is, in itself, (The Essay: Facing Down the Facts, to ‘shit himself’ ‘in search of less comedy gold – even if the irony might Issue 704) that quantum physics as Congratulations on printing John awkward, more sophisticated elude Reynolds’ grasp. Though a ‘god of the gaps’ explanation is to Poynton’s Halloween essay (The Corrections and entertainment’ whilst watch- perhaps I’m being too harsh, for, the psychical as Rohypnol is to date Essay: Facing Down the Facts Clarifications ing light-hearted puns during the as Reynolds himself professes, he’s rape; it may work but that’s not the Issue 704). Modern science is a lot Virgin Smoker (review, Issue 704). ‘not really a journalist’. point and such misappropriation is stranger than most people realise, George Ressot criminal. In any case, the reference and Professor Poynton’s arguments The runner-up in the haiku Creative St John’s to Heisenberg at the crux of the should be heard. It was fitting that Writing competition (issue 703) was argument is fundamentally wrong. the article appeared at Halloween, given as Rachel Dewhirst. The I hope the £30 fine I received for The cause of quantum uncertainty but there was more to it than haiku was actually written by Ruth cycling in an apparently pedestri- is physical interaction, not spooky suger-fulled, nocturnal excite- Dewhirst, her twin sister. I sympathise since I felt the very anised area might go towards a action at a distance. ment. It may well be that there is same sensation when reading his sign informing cyclists: No Cycling. Is the ‘evidence’ significant? a naturalistic explanation for the very own attempt at ‘sophisticated The policeman who stopped me The last line, in which the writer paranormal effects he describes. entertainment’. For a writer who tried to indicate to the small ‘no redefines ‘facts’ as an anecdote about But we should be wary of dismiss- Email [email protected] by employs such classic journalis- entry’ signs on the traffic bollards – ‘something funny [that] happens to ing these questions as superstitious Wednesday lunchtime for the chance to tic clichés such as ‘So piss off you which I had assumed were for cars. you on Halloween’ suggests not. I naivety. After all, we cringe at the win a bottle from the Cambridge Wine dickhead’ and ‘I would have been I suppose that’s the disadvantage think the distinct lack of physical mistaken assumptions made by the Merchants. Letters may be edited. Comment Editor: Dan Hitchens Friday November 6th 2009 11 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk Comment

Not-Sci

A dangerous misuse of drugs advisors

ant to be chief drugs advisor to Wthe government? Be supposedly hired to give your transparent opinion both publicly and privately and then be sacked abruptly for it? Why not work for Alan Johnson, in an organisation where it seems having an advisory panel is more of a ‘we’re serious, look at our scientists’ gesture than a genuine attempt to discuss evidence rationally. No one denies that canna- bis, the government message and its classification are very serious and complicated matters. What is shocking is the response to criticism from Professor David Nutt, former head of the Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs, on the decision to reclassify cannabis to Class B from C. Johnson The middle classes are always an easy target. But sacked Nutt, without any serious scientific debate. In going after them is just bad economic sense Nutt’s own words, ‘Scientists should be challenging. But Beveridge, in his famous 1942 branded as public enemies. The The consequences of the corpo- obviously he didn’t feel like Charles Read report, stated that the ‘first attack on the charitable status of rate attack on the professions being challenged.’ Johnson fundamental principle of social private schools, whose £100 million can be illustrated by the loss of and those associated with insurance’ was that a ‘flat rate of of tax breaks saves the Treasury £3 the middle-class bank manager. his government are unwit- insurance benefits’ should be paid billion in paying for children they In the 1970s a visit to the bank tingly sending the message ver the years the middle ‘irrespective of the amount of the would otherwise have to educate, manager to ask for a loan was like that advice based on factual classes have been an earnings’ the recipient enjoyed. appears perverse when all three a grown-up version of a nervous scientific evidence rather Oeasy target for derision. Welfare arrangements should never political parties want to ‘cut’ public schoolboy being summoned to the than political consideration From Margo Leadbetter in The ‘discourage voluntary insurance or expenditure. headmaster’s study. There would be can cost you your job. Good Life, to Hyacinth Bucket personal saving’. A background of stagnating a searching interrogation to assess A Home Office spokesman (pronounced Bouquet, of course), in Taking away benefits for those middle-class real wages over the your ability to repay the loan. Now accused Nutt of not giving the Keeping Up Appearances, people earning over £15,000 a year would last few years, called ‘median wage the interview is conducted by an public ‘clear messages about from all walks of life have joined in be a massive disincentive to work stagnation’ in America, has not unqualified call centre employee the dangers of drugs’. Nutt the laughter. But now the satire harder or for the unemployed helped their situation either. Some incentivised to sell you as much said that illicit drugs should seems to have morphed into a to find work. Already, under the see those between the super-rich debt as possible, and until recently, be classified according to the lethal resentment. current system, the marginal net and super-poor as being trapped you did not even need to have actual evidence of the harm In the latest round of middle rate of tax at this income level in a ‘hamster wheel’, constantly enough income to cover the repay- they cause and also said that income-bashing, the think tank having to pay off student loans, ments, the result of which was the smoking cannabis created Reform has produced a report service mortgages and save for current financial mess. only a ‘relatively small risk’ which says that the middle class “People who pay their retirement all at the same Even the survival of the social of psychotic illness. That is should lose all entitlement to time whilst their income comes welfare system itself is reliant on clear enough to me. The Home benefits and welfare. They see their way without under constant pressure. the middle classes drawing some Office have not responded by the middle classes as a ‘poisonous’ But why should we even care benefits from the system. If the producing a clearer message breed who extract ‘their fair share’ burdening the about those on middle incomes or middle classes received little from about these dangers. of entitlement through ‘universal whether Mrs Bouquet can afford to the state they would question The following are incredibly benefits and near-free higher state are branded have Royal Doulton china? why they should bother to pay unclear: if decisions about drug education’, the last of which will public enemies” Middle class-bashing does for benefits the less advantaged classification are not based make many students choke on their not make sense from an overall enjoy. While deep cuts to welfare on science, then what exactly cornflakes, their latest overdue economic perspective. They have expenditure are needed to balance are the other criteria? What college bill pinned to their wall. is over 60% as tax credits are the highest propensity to save, but the books, it will not help the poor is wrong with being criticised Reform is of the opinion that withdrawn, and these proposals the failure to encourage this squir- to burden them all on those in the publically if you want the public anyone who is middle class can will just make it more unattractive reling tendency has contributed to middle rather than more evenly in to be completely transpar- look after themselves, and to them, to work harder or try to improve the depth of the recession. More society. Tony Benn once said that ent about how your scientific this means earning over £15,000 one’s lot. Saving for the future will saving means more investment there would be revolution if the advisor’s opinions affect policy? a year. Yet this is sometimes not be a worthless exercise as they that leads to more growth; at the NHS, the holy cow of the welfare Labour seems to think it more even enough to live on, particularly would disqualify you for most forms moment when boom turned to bust, state, was abolished. He was right; important to show a deceit- where living costs are high, such as of assistance when times are tough. the household savings ratio was in but it would be the middle, not the ful united front than to have in the South-East. But when people try to pay their negative territory for the first time working classes, that would be at a credible and unbiased voice The welfare state was not own way without burdening the in fifty years, partly due to stagnat- the front of the crowds storming who disagrees if the science intended to be like this. William state’s resources, they still get ing real wages. the gates of Downing Street. says so. SITA DINANAUTH Get there faster. Start here.

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Reviewsp24 Featuresp18 Little Boots at the Junction. Plus Seven Deadly Sins: read it and more music, film, art and theatre. Vulture let your green eyes weep Arts, Features, Reviews

RICHARD ANSETT/CHANNEL 4 TELEVISION

“Off the cuff remarks are really a little bit like a fl at souffl é”: the eminently quotable David Starkey Renaissance Man David Starkey, blockbuster historian and popular broadcaster, talks to Emma Mustich about the power of the Tudors over our imagination, and the teaching of history in twenty-fi rst century Britain

have mixed feelings about the Tudors, So when, last November, I read a piece by “I’d be very interested [if Andrew] could then earned a Fellowship, and remained in and people who write about them. I Andrew Marr in which he wrote, “If I never list the number of biographies, because there Cambridge for several years, before taking Ispent the fi rst two terms of my degree read another biography of bloody Henry actually hasn’t been a biography of Henry off abruptly in 1972 for the more exciting attempting to dissect the infuriatingly VIII, it will be far too soon,” I was inclined to VIII since Scarisbrick [1968].” realm of LSE. (“I used to say I knew exactly pedantic historiography of the Tudor agree. When I present the quotation to David “Dear me,” he fi nishes, “friends and rivals, what an ingrowing toenail felt like,” he has period—a process from which I gained, Starkey, however, he is unfazed. you know. Off the cuff remarks are really a famously commented of Cambridge.) paradoxically, both a very low threshold of “Obviously there is an overdone-ness about little bit like a fl at souffl é.” By the time he left LSE in 1998, Starkey frustration with academic history, and a the Tudors as a whole. But equally, of course, Starkey, who is the premier popular histo- had already embarked upon what has genuine taste for the narrative and nuance of that’s a refl ection of the fact that the Tudors rian of the Tudor period, studied History at become a blockbuster career in broadcast- the early modern period. Mostly, however, I are the English Greek myths. No other Fitzwilliam College. After attaining a First, ing, television and the writing of popular came to the conclusion that I had had enough period exercises that fascination or can hold he stayed on to write a PhD in which he non-fi ction. He is now renowned for both of the Tudors for a while. people in the same way. examined the culture of the Tudor court. He (continued overleaf) Friday November 6th 2009 Features Editor: Zing Tsjeng 14 Features www.varsity.co.uk [email protected] his historical enterprise and his strident his daughter Elizabeth were very conscious In the speech, he said, “I think we have of what happened. What drives me is wanting personal style (the Daily Mail once called stars. They’re interested in truly modern overdone the critical element of history. to know what happened.” him “the rudest man in Britain”). Episodes of – well, truly ancient – ideas of fame. We I think there is a very powerful place for I am tempted to test Starkey’s theory. his most recent television series, Henry VIII: respond to that.” the celebratory…. I do think that English Since he dismisses historiography so easily, The Mind of a Tyrant, he tells me, reached This idea is compelling. But Starkey goes history, in particular, has a fundamentally would he be disappointed if, in a century’s audiences of between 2.5 and 3 million. on to make an even more striking judgment optimistic message.” time, no one read his work? Indeed, Starkey’s immense success is one about why the Tudors retain a tight grip on Can’t this lead us down a dangerous “I wouldn’t be unhappy. I would hope that of the most potent proofs of the Tudor court’s our collective conscience. path? I ask. In Russia, even in the past two enduring appeal. If we take sex out of the “I think there is a genuine recognition, years, authors have effectively been banned equation – that means discounting the practi- in spite of Andrew, that the 16th century is from including criticisms of Stalin in school “Historiography is just cally pornographic BBC series The Tudors the central century in English history, and I textbooks. What is to stop us from eventually and Philippa Gregory’s bodice-ripper novels - choose my word ‘English’ quite deliberately. trying to censor unsavoury, but essential, fucking deadly. It’s the why are the Tudors so attractive to people in It is the moment at which we cease to be elements of our history, if we extol too the twenty-first century? a pretty ordinary Catholic country, part of fervently the virtues of the “celebratory”? equivalent of the worst “With Henry VIII, the sheer impress of the broad mass of Christendom, and turn Starkey responds thoughtfully. “When the personality comes across over five centu- into something very, very different. Maybe I use the word ‘celebratory’, what I really aspects of medieval ries. Then there is the fact that Henry and obscurely people realise this.” mean is a recognition of the importance of philosophy.” I still think it might have something to do national history, which implies, by definition, with the racier passages of Philippa Gregory, that you think there is something positive Stark Facts but Starkey is insistent. “The twenty-first there. what I write is not only good history but is century looks like it will be the century when “But what I’d be much happier with saying readable. most of what Henry did will be reversed. If is that I want a history, particularly when “My view is that the only immortality is 1945 Born in Kendal we really do finish off as part of post-Lisbon it’s being taught at school and even at the here. The only immortality is, if you like, Treaty Europe, if the Church of England is undergraduate level, which recognises the the fame, or the continuing readability of 1970 Begins academic career at Fitzwilliam re-absorbed into the Church of Rome, then importance of narrative. It really is about your own work. That is the only reason that 1972 Starts teaching History at LSE and the extraordinary changes of Henry VIII’s saying, ‘What actually happened?’ Which I anybody will be remembered. Memory is earns reputation as an abrasive talk- reign will largely have been reversed. think is so much more interesting than teach- immortality.” show host on BBC Radio 4 “I think England itself will essentially ing people what historians squabble about. Starkey has left me taken aback with his become a place of the mind, as it retreats “Historiography is just, and you are honesty. Everyone, not least the man himself, 2004 Begins presenting into being a rather disgruntled province of entitled to quote what I am about to say knows that Starkey can be flamboyant and Monarchy Europe. And it will be the successor states, directly, fucking deadly. It is awful, it outspoken, that he is obsessed with his own 2007 Appointed CBE the offshoots of the various English and is boring, it is reductive. It is a totally wealth (“you’ve got to earn your crust, which British empires, that will continue to fructify second-tier activity. It’s scholiastic, it’s the in my case is gilt gingerbread”), and that he 2009 Becomes Guest Curator at and create.” equivalent of the worst aspects of medieval is extremely proud of his accomplishments. the British Library’s This is beginning to sound a little too much philosophy. And to pretend that that is the What are only rarely revealed, however, are Henry VIII: Man like a paean to England, perhaps because most intellectually stimulating thing there is his intense introspection and his very real & Monarch I can recall something I’ve read in one of about the past seems to me to be a confession convictions. He is a man who believes that exhibition Starkey’s published speeches about the need that practicing the subject has frankly lost fame brings immortality, but – like any good to teach “celebratory” rather than “critical” any interest. creature of the sixteenth century – he is history in schools. “Something did happen. There is evidence sensitive to the ephemerality of his appetites. Banging The Drum David Pegg talks to Kim Duk Soo, founder of samul nori, the ‘Walkman of four-drum Korean performance art’

lthough times and genesis, samul nori has gone global, Traditional Music and Perform- generations move with numerous hobby groups ing Arts School, he studied under “Aon, our cultural and societies around the world. a number of reputable masters, codes hide in our DNA.” Sounds It’s something Kim has inspired, before founding Samul Nori. faintly nebulous, but to give the and he’s proud of it. “Samul nori,” Kim has earned a reputation man credit, Kim Duk Soo would he informs me, “has sparked a as a moderniser of rural music, probably know. In 1978, seeking renaissance in all kinds of Korean which he doesn’t dispute. “I felt to reinvigorate a largely unvaried traditional performing arts”. the need to reorganize this music. musical tradition, he founded his Samul nori performances, with Performance venues have changed four-man drumming troupe: Samul their leaping dancers and spectacu- and multiplied over the years Nori. Today, he is not only a house- lar streamer-hats, are as visually and therefore increasingly samul hold name in South Korea (a friend striking as they are percussive. nori was performed indoors”. The from Seoul squeals hilariously at Clasping an hourglass-shaped music itself is drawn from shaman news of an interview), but widely janggu between his legs, a seated rituals and steeped in elemental recognised as one of its top cultural Kim flails away furiously, hands philosophy: the sounds of the differ- figures and a global ambassador for blurring astonishingly at moments ent instruments embody different Korean performing arts, which, let’s as they dart from left to right weather patterns, and the timbres face it, are probably a smidgeon around the drum. He describes it of metal and leather instruments underrepresented. Indeed, Samul as akin to a kind of trance, but it’s represent the heavens and the Nori the group has given birth clear he’s aware enough to relish his earth respectively. For Kim, his to samul nori the genre; it’s the music; his face frequently breaks music’s roots are inescapably Walkman of four-drum Korean into an ecstatic smile along with the relevant, even as a recent genre. musicianship. rhythm’s ebb and flow. Either side “Samul nori incorporates and Any victim of GCSE Music will of him, fellow troupers leap and represents our history, nature, life, recall the mind-numbingly turgid twirl as they pound away at their and most importantly, it contains lessons on African drumming, own instruments, streamers spiral- Korean spirituality.” delivered invariably by befuddled ling about madly, heads jaunting This isn’t his first gig in England; teachers utterly unfamiliar with from side to side. he’s performed at the Royal Albert anything musical east of Vienna. The enthusiasm and talent come Hall, and regularly appears at the Barring a minority of enthusiasts, from a lifetime’s dedication. “From Edinburgh Festival. And what Brits tend to be uninterested in a very young age,” Kim recalls, about his upcoming Cambridge music originating from outside the “I was surrounded by Korean performance? “I hope that my Anglosphere. It’s these people Kim traditional performing artists.” At performances will increase wants to reach when he performs seven, he received the President’s students’ curiosity and understand- in Cambridge next month for the Award at a National Folk Music ing.” His enthusiasm for samul nori 800th Anniversary celebrations. Contest, earning him the pressure- seems to be exceeded only by his He’s done a remarkable job reach- loaded moniker of ‘Child Prodigy determination to witness others Kim Duk Soo and SamulNori Hanullim will be performing at Robinson College on the ing out to them so far. Since its of the Drums’. Entering the Seoul enjoy it. November 7th and 8th. See www.clarehall.cam.ac.uk for details. Arts Editor: Laura Freeman Friday November 6th 2009 15 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk Arts

Letter from The New Classical Abroad Charles Hazlewood tells Jess Lambert how moving the orchestra from the concert hall to the field is helping it lose a bad reputation and gain new fans

he conductor Charles Hazle- establishment, certainly within etiquette. The reality is that orches- In between the classical pieces wood is described by The the media and so on, really detest tras make music that is visceral, he also had “a troupe which were TDaily Telegraph as “the face of me for: ‘Oh, he’s that relentless red-blooded and intensely meaning- made up of musicians from a classical music for the BBC”. “How populariser of music,’ they say, as if ful. So how about if you take this totally broad musical spectrum: terrifying,” said one of my friends there’s something faintly cancerous rarified beast, an orchestra, and put members of Goldfrapp, members of Croatia when I mentioned this. “I didn’t about that.” it in a field where it can blaze away Portishead, jazz musicians, offering know classical music had a ‘face’.” He thinks it’s sad that anyone and where there are no rules, where spontaneous responses, improvisa- fter a three-hour delay But giving music, all music, a face should misguidedly want to keep your toddlers can melt down, your tions to what the orchestra had just (seated next to an 8 is exactly what Hazlewood tries to classical music within a privileged teenagers can be pissed, everyone played”. This is one of Hazlewood’s Ayear-old who threw up all do. He wants to remove the smoke- club. “There was this journal- can be how they want to be and other passionate beliefs – that over the departure lounge floor, screen that art puts up between the ist from Time Out who over the yet still absolutely be immersed in different worlds of music should giving us all swine-flu fears), spectators and the work. summer launched this very public be brought together; “not in some we were welcomed on-board Since his days at Oxford he has invective against audiences, kind of weak, sappy fusion” but in a by a flight attendant who took had a slightly controversial habit of arguing that they should be taught “It’s all about way that proves how absurd it is to obvious pleasure from the giving introductions to the pieces things like when and how to clap”. “think of music in terms of mutually choreographed safety routine, he performs, allowing those who How to clap?! “Yes. So a piece that empowering exclusive categories. There are only tight easyJet uniform, and even know the music backwards to see ends slowly and softly, evaporat- two sorts of music – there is great my book, Catcher In The Rye, it with fresh eyes and giving the ing into a silence – that after that people, about music and terrible music and it’s up apparently one of her O-Level uninitiated “hooks to hang on to there shouldn’t be any vigorous to you to decide which is which. No set works. “Oooh,” she squealed, along the way, so that you can clapping, that there should be a saying ‘Don’t one can prescribe – it’s absolutely “that takes me back!” engage intellectually as well as long and respectful pause and then worry, leave you absurd to think that you should.” In any case, after the usual emotionally with something that maybe a slow warm ripple which Even for someone as limited in flight and airport hassles, we unfolds in front of you. It’s all about then gradually builds. The very insecurities and their musical knowledge as me, it is made our way to Dubrovnik. empowering people, about saying idea that people should be given impossible not to feel empowered We were met by the owner of ‘Don’t worry, leave your insecurities masterclasses in how to respond your sense of lack by the rousing energy with which the hostel, the aptly named and your sense of lack of qualifica- only perpetuates the problem and Hazlewood talks. He grew up Villa Banana, and the rest of tion at the door.’” makes it that much worse.” He of qualification at watching his father, an Anglican our group. After struggling This ability to perform what he can’t stand people who seem to vicar, bring communities together up an enormous hill, we were describes as “a kind of open heart consider audiences as “a necessary the door’” through faith and was, he says, rewarded by a “penthouse suite”. surgery on music” is what has led evil. It’s completely nonsensi- inspired with “a parallel mission Perhaps this term was lost in to Hazlewood not only conduct- cal because that’s who you are this extraordinary music.” There with music”. translation, the villa being a ing orchestras across the world, talking to. You can’t make music was also a radical scheme that Proof of music’s power to unite fairly grimy youth hostel, but but presenting numerous TV and in a bubble. Well you can, you can anyone who lived within a certain people happens all the time he the panoramic views of coastal radio shows about everything from play your guitar in your bedroom mile radius of the farm paid what says. A curious thing about British Dubrovnik were stunning Mozart and Tchaikovsky, to what but that’s only ever a kind of…” they want to pay for a ticket “so it football fans, for instance, is that nonetheless. makes the perfect pop song. He is Masturbation? “Yes. It is really. It’s was genuinely accessible, not just “of whatever team, they sing and As for our sight-seeing and a slightly built, attractive man who certainly not the real thing.” dumping a posh event in the middle sing and sing. I’ve got mates who tourist ‘action’, on our first night manages to combine an intense and It was a desire to free both of Somerset and saying, ‘Yeah well are obsessive fans, and one of out, and after a few (cunningly infectious passion for his subjects music and audiences from “all most of you tossers can’t come’.” the things they love most about named) Fuck Buckets, one of with a total lack of pomposity. In these terms and conditions” which What he is most excited about is going to games every week is this our group partook in what came person he is as warm and unintimi- inspired him to launch Play The that this meant that most of the immersive experience of losing to be known as ‘Old-Towning’ dating as he is on screen, laughing Field this summer, a festival set in people there had “never, ever seen themselves in this sea of sound, getting to know the beautiful but dirtily and rolling cigarettes as the grounds of his farm in Somer- an orchestra in the flesh before. where their individual contribution slippery steps of Dubrovnik Old we talk. He’s about as far as you set. “By taking the orchestra out And they talk about it now with is important, but it’s also about Town in a manner not discussed can get from the stereotypical of the concert hall I could tear out an almost religious fanaticism – being buoyed up by this intense in the guidebooks. From elitist musician, something which the whole page of the programme they’ve heard this big music and and enormous collective.” Like a Dubrovnik we travelled up the “a hardcore of the classical music on the ‘Dos and Don’ts’ of concert they’re never going back.” modern day hymn? “Exactly.” Dalmatian coast to Korcula. Here, we stayed in the Onelove Hostel, described in the Lonely Planet as having an entry policy prioritising “heavy lashers and fit girls”. After Korcula, we hit the supposed “Ibiza of Croatia”, Hvar. In fact, there were only two clubs - one in a castle, and one on an island 20 minutes boat- ride away. The Croatian girls, we learned, were all beautiful. By contrast, the pot-bellied men in Speedos literally gave weight to the argument for banning such swimwear. From embarrassing novelty hats to island beach parties, overpriced ice-creams to Dalma- tian ham, our trip to Croatia was more expensive (more like £20 than Thailand’s £5 per night in a hostel) and perhaps less edifying than anticipated. But its tourism industry is incredibly well-devel- oped, especially for a country which only emerged from civil war in 1995. Our travels, as most tourism in Croatia seems to be, were very much beach-based, but it was beautiful and fun nonetheless. anna harper

Charles Hazlewood: removing the ‘smokescreen that art puts up between the spectators and the work’ 16 Friday November 6th 2009 Fashion Editors: Charlie Lyons, Joe Pitt-Rashid and Lara Prendergast Friday November 6th 2009 17 Fashion www.varsity.co.uk [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk Fashion

RECESSIONISTA OPTIMISTA Blazer Autumn – Winter 09: Utility or Fantasy? I bought this one last year in Whistles, but I have a few blazers in different colours. Looks equallyhoody. as good over ell, Autumn-Winter 09 is offi cially upon a dress or with an unzipped CUT us and the fash-pack is divided in two: Wthe recessionistas and the optimistas! So whether you prefer a sombre colour pallet or are drawn to brights and jewel tones A/W 09 has something innovative to offer. Dsquared², Alexander Wang et al. sent an army of Grey T-shirt moody, studded, black-clad models down the runway. Their silhouette was severe; their image powerful, OUT From James Perse. It’s an even scary, but very recession-appropriate. Think absolute staple - I have a power shoulders with a cinched waist in smoky-grey few and can wear them with anything. So easy to black tones, gelled back hair and coal-toned eyes. Tough, eighties body-con dresses had a strong presence at Christopher Kane and Alexander Wang Watch but minimalism took centre stage as Wang playfully By a Milanese company called mixed an enormous oversized boyfriend shirt, Toy Watch. It’s oversized and AND a bit irreverent, but I’m never with this season’s must-have practical and uber- late to lectures when it’s on my stylish shoe – the military boot. Check out Jean-Luc wrist.An anti-luxury state- Godard’s classic fi lm À bout de souffl e for inspira- ment in a luxury obsessed culture tion for this look – Jean Seberg exudes androgynous utilitarian chic à la Nouvelle Vague. Keep last year’s Leather Belt brogues. Charity-shop effeminate tailoring. Beautiful, sensible collections without a doubt, but Bought from the “the Rolls FashionRoyce of Fairs” Vintage - whimsical they were not. The man to give us our KEEP. Red Leather Bag fantasy fi x was none other than Marc Jacobs. The Hammersmith fair. This belonged to my It takes place every eighties still featured, grandmother and is fi ve weeks, and with seriously battered, but hundreds of vintage but this time in all I love it. It reminds me stores, something.I always fi nd its spangly, crimped of a bygoneas of era, her. as well glory! Yes, crimping White T-Shirt is back. Marc Jacobs Just a classic Gap white T-Shirt. has spoken. The aim What else? Checked Shirt of the collection was to

Flower print trousers put the fun back into This is quite new actually, Velvet Slippers getting dressed, and Cambridge. They’re high just got it thebit otherof colour. day. It’s From Foster & Son, these From the Topshop in he does not disappoint. from Ralph Lauren. Adds a roses. waistedWhat more and couldcovered a in were a Christmas present Neon hues, kitsch from my dad a few years ago. neckerchiefs and bold girl want? prints abound (electric- coloured paisley print? Who would have A nod to better times at Stella thought!) Source the McCartney look in vintage and charity shops or have a peep at fabulous Spanish designer Gloria Ortiz if you want to invest a bit more Jacket in something luxurious.. Got this last winter from Another optimista came in the form of Stella Dior. It’s so hard to fi nd McCartney who injected a note of scandal into her warm coats that fi t well, collection with her unabashedly sensual lingerie- NOTES: and this will last forever. 6th November 2009 inspired dresses. Much as it pains me to promote Topshop in an Arcadia dominated Britain they have Came up to Cambridge today, and met these two made the underwear-as-outerwear look their own stylish undergrads. Sarah was from Downing this season. College, and Harry was from Peterhouse. Unfor- tunately didn’t get a chance to look around their Alber Elbaz summed up the sombre, post-recession colleges, as had a fl ight back to NY, but was mood for A/W 09 perfectly, this look is “about what very impressed by what Cambridge had to offer. women need from fashion.” It’s utility, puro y duro. Plenty of originality and an unnerving sense of What Jacobs and McCartney offer is the beauty and style – I’m looking forward to putting them in carefree spirit of optimism, a fantasy in the glum this month’s issue. Right up Anna’s street. It’s economic climate. So in the battle of reality versus good to know I’ve got something she’ll like. She’s fantasy, buy it all…or get ready to take sides! Shoes so tricky most of the time. It makes me laugh I love these white when I see that fi lm ‘Dracula wears Dior’, or Vans. My last pair whatever it was called. Think it was something Trousers just fell apart and like that. Scarily accurate.Anyway, she’ll be Cambridge’s Fashion Correspondant in Madrid. look how dirty these impressed and that’s all that day. matters. I bought these cords in are already. American Apparel and I wear them basically every Recessionista: Crocodile print jacket , Alexander Wang ; T-shirt, James & Marilyn; Gathered velvet skirt, Chloé ; Feather bag, Angel Jackson; Studded suede and patent ankle boots, DSquared2. Optimista: Gold jacket, Stella McCartney; Cherry blossom jacquard silk dress, Marc by Marc Jacobs; Phillipe Ferrandis Necklace, Jenni Kayne; Bag, Angel Jackson; Plum heels, Charlotte Olympia Maxine. 18 Friday November 6th 2009 Features Editor: Zing Tsjeng Features www.varsity.co.uk [email protected] Seven Deadly Sins of Cambridge Week 5: Envy

y mother always told me ‘If flush delicately in the wintry air, Not end the day passed out in the disinclined to come visit and likely I can’t possibly finish my disserta- a boy doesn’t like you, it is their hair is dishevelled in a way ground floor bathroom with that to send a blank cheque. But essen- tion draft as I’m rushed off my Monly because he is intimi- that makes even serious-minded mysterious chin injury (again) and tially at the very most I look a feet with weeping gently into my dated by your beauty.’ She also said bluestockings like me giggle then 2) Is entirely dependent on week ahead, and I am continuously Cath Kidston quilt. However, I ‘From some angles, you look like unreservedly and walk, lust-dazed, circumstance. Sometimes it is to puzzled by those who seem to have acknowledge that human variety Ringo Starr’ so my resultant self- into lampposts. finish an essay, sometimes to write had life plans handed out to them is essential to prevent collective esteem is muddled. Our attendance at a high-ranked an e-mail to father which makes very early on and be following insanity. I remember a teacher I vacillate between Fonz-like university takes much of the sting him simultaneously proud of me, them with ease. picking silent infant me from the levels of self-belief, pausing in front out of accusations of superficiality First there are those class (though it could have been any of shop windows to say ‘Looking as well – yes, you’re tormented who excel academically pathologically shy child to make fiiine’ in my head at my reflection, with desire for an ivory-skinned, – who manage their her point) and snapping ‘Why can’t to shutting myself in the wardrobe raven-haired Swedish supermodel/ time, i.e. don’t detour to you all behave a little bit more like with a sack of comfort marshmal- goddess hybrid – but it’s OK, even Topshop on the way to the Victoria?’ Even at the age of four lows, quivering with indignation quite nobly motivated, because English Faculty to look at a Chris- I knew she’d picked a losing horse. at the nasty business of being a she’s got a double first in topher Kane dress, and who write A class full of me would have been functional human. What doesn’t SPS. You can talk to her first class essays tying Aeschylus, a room of hiccupping freaks with make the process of ricocheting about Karl Popper, The Sopranos and Chaos Theory their hair in their eyes, hiding madly between essay scrambles, so it’s fine. Of course, into a charmingly witty conclusion, under bean bags in the quiet area to boy entrapping and future ensur- you don’t want to talk while I’m still struggling to remem- read Hilaire Belloc. ing any easier on my crumbly to her about anything, you just ber whether Paradise Lost has a Roughly the same principle psyche is the presence of people want to make sweet love to her happy ending. works here; I may find some who just Do It Better. Those in front of the chronophage, The other variety of student university high-flyers arrogant mythical undergrads who walk but the point is, you could. To be prodigy are the ambitious bastards, and abrasive, but I acknowledge among us, but are not like us. honest, I’m not that envious of the the ones that edit the newspa- that people who actually have life Some students are Chosen Ones absurdly beautiful. Being advan- pers, write the late-shows, play aims, make substantial efforts and because of the genetic dice-throw taged by looks is so far out of the in concerts and generally demon- are driven by more than just the which has blessed them with physi- realm of my experience that I don’t strate that it is perfectly feasible thought of their mid-afternoon cal perfection. When they walk really mind when others are. No, I to do a degree while retaining a pink wafer biscuit is important, and around the place, they make it look reserve my hatred for other breeds life outside it. All in all it makes it might even spur me on to think, I like the set of a hazily shot BBC of student wunderkind. much trickier for me (though I do don’t know, a fortnight ahead for adaptation – their cheekbones My aims in life are to 1) LuCY NurNBErg manage every week) to insist that once. Victoria beale

Shadow Puppet Guide IGGy PoP The 62-year-old VelVeT Seen in a billion The rakeS Broke up nIGhTS draWInG In rocker recently announced a permutations in Topshop. last month. The world was You get out of the library and 2010 tour. We want some of Not just for grannies a mess and the band was it’s pitch black. Some people what he’s taking. anymore. imperfect. call it atmospheric. We just hoT call it shit. And cold. MISfITS Skins meets the BonfIre nIGhT We hope JedWard X-Factor’s NoT X-Men with ASBOs. Coming the pyromaniacs among John & Edward are like two PuMPkInS Now soon to E4, promising you adhered to fire safety rhythmless blond gnats. rotting in a corner sex and super-powered regulation rules. But then What imbeciles vote for of your room. violence. again, some things are them and not for Miss Frank? We hope better on fire. So The imbeciles who make up you like say Kings of Leon. the majority of the British pumpkin population, that’s who. soup. Week 5: the bear My week by Solomon Oldberg, Art History lecturer*

alarm clock, was an Apollo once. Now I’m more noticed that my coffee cup had left ‘Publish or be damned.’ The the womb-like of an Impressionist painting; a bit two perfect spheres on my lecture exhortation rings in my ears. The face, the two splodgy round the edges and mostly notes, forcibly calling to mind the Junior Fellows are already circling pert bells, and the admired by middle-aged ladies. exaggerated breasts of a fertility round my New Court rooms. All it phallic urgency of idol. I was distracted for the rest of would take is one earnest article the minute hand Wednesday the session. by some thirty-something on the exhorting me to Had lunch at the Fitz with the Sat next to the Master at High Latin Inscriptions on the Tombs rise. I take a cold lecturer in Feminist Approaches Table. He wanted to know if I had of Bamberg Cathedral and I’ll be shower. to Art History. She is writing a decided on a subject for my next packed off to Anglia Ruskin. Today I am paper on the Misogynist Overtures book. He seems unimpressed by The Backs are beautiful at this lecturing on The of Baroque Sculpture: The Rape The Sleeping Artist. I tell him that time of year, though I think we’ve Sexual Inconstancy of the Chisel and wanted to pick the creative urge cannot be rushed. had the best of the Indian summer. of the Renaissance my brains (I wrote my PhD on Did Michelangelo paint the Sistine The Met Office are forecasting Goddess. The students The Heaving Bosom in Bernini’s Chapel in a term? Did Brunelleschi floods. Still, I’ve always thought aren’t what they used to be. Once, Sculpture). She ordered a bagel build his dome in the Easter Vac? Cambridge was a poor man’s

CLAudiA STOCKEr we trained Poppys and Arabellas and I a baguette. I pointed out how ‘Published or be damned,’ he tells Venice with its punts and its for the rigours of smiling from our choices reflected our sexual me. Bloody economist. What does cod-Bridge of Sighs. A flood should Monday the reception desk at Sotheby’s, imperatives. She threw a glass of he know of divine inspiration or the complete the picture. I watch the The alarm wakes me at eleven. now we admit earnest Griseldas water in my face. visitation of the muses? weekend punts go by and then it Damn these early morning starts. who write dissertations on the hits me; a flash of artistic inspira- Did Baudelaire rise before midday? use of the cornice in eighteenth- Thursday Saturday tion. I decide on the subject of Gericault? Delacroix? Perhaps I century town houses. There are Led a seminar this afternoon Went for a walk along the Backs my next book: The Gondola: The shall write a book about it. I’ll call definitely more boys these days too. on the subject of Moses’ Staff in to clear my mind. Must decide on a Subliminal Phallus in Venetian it The Sleeping Artist. Lying in Square-jawed Etonians and clever Venetian Altarpieces: Phallic subject for my book. It’s been ten Oil Painting. bed, my eye is inescapably drawn Wykehamists who read Plato and Totem or Saintly Attribute? years since Borromini’s Impotence to the feminine curves of the Hegel and do their essays on time. I Mid-way through the discussion I and I’m out of favour in College. * As told to Rafael Meruna Features Editor: Zing Tsjeng Friday November 6th 2009 19 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk Sex, Food and TV Food and Drink Come Tanya Iqbal heads to Tatties, for some ultimate Together Scottish comfort food.

Boys who are girls who like boys to be girls who do girls like they’re boys who do boys like they’re girls... Week 5: an awful cocktail of the blues and rejection... drink up!

lease don’t deal with your Sixth round came through. “To I left once the drinks returned Fifth Week Blues by heading men!” Matt shouted. “And women. to standard overprice. Charlie was Phome or sitting in the library, And stupidly named drinks. swapping and Kris had caught a close to tears. This is the time Certainly not to love.” We sat. 75p fl ight to Amsterdam. I thought when people throw themselves at “Actually,” he said. “I have news.” of my favourite fresher and I anything breathing – at anything He downed a good half of Long staggered past my room and onto twitching. Smell that desperation Island. “I am no longer single.” Anna’s. She was eating hummus. At A tatty is what people really far up north call a potato. and get out there. The freshers This was Matt who once passed eleven. are getting misguidedly cocky, the out drunk with two girls in his bed. “Abbey Road?” she asked. It was esterday I spent four croissants, scones and cakes work’s getting so momentous that I once walked into Cindies with then that I noticed the space on her hours in Tatties. I’m not and all the hot beverages you keeping up is a long-past dream, and him only to be dragged 180 degrees shelf. She saw me looking, and she Ysure whether this says could ever want. In fact, there is your liver’s grown tough. off the dance fl oor and out into the fumbled the record. more about me or whether it is something almost magical about I was sitting in Ta Bouche, three Sweat Relief Region. “Two exes,” “So... it happened?” more revealing of the homely the way in which Tatties never hours through Happy Hour, with he said. Not a big deal? “Together,” “It – I mean, I’ve been here for qualities of this Cambridge fails to really hit the spot. I almost the only Johnian I’ve ever slept with he said. “Siblings.” what, for – ” institution. ordered a jacket potato on default and wanted to see again. Matt and “It’s a boy!” he said. He looked “The infamous virginity wine has There are two Tatties: one on but when pausing to confront, I met outside the Mahal, bored of worried. “We need another round.” left the building – ” Sidney Street and the other, to very honestly, the specifi cs of my girls throwing poppadoms at us. I had no idea why I wasn’t laugh- “You’re wasted,” she said. “Get which I refer, on Trinity Street. hunger, I became aware that it “I would like to fi ne anybody with ing. We drank with determined out of here.” There is something generally was not jacket potato that I was a face like a slapped arse,” he said. joylessness under the bitterness of “I hope it was good,” I said. “I quite comforting about Tatties. craving at all but something light Fuck buddy at fi rst sight. a betrayal neither of us had made. hope it was spectacular.” It’s like visiting a friendly grand- and nutritious, substantial but not “I thought I was in love last “It doesn’t mean that I’m getting I woke up wearing my own vomit. mother who is overly enthusiastic fundamentally carb-based. And week,” I was saying. “It was boring,” Matt said. “I’m happy for Sometimes, Week 5 will be just as about jacket potatoes. It’s like a what was staring me in the face disturbing. Never again.” you,” I said. bad as people say it is. big hug in the form of a restau- from the counter but something rant-cum-café. It’s somewhere to tick all those boxes - a spinach where every day feels like a and cherry tomato quiche. I but in her place we are given a Sunday. (This may or may not rarely crave quiche. Only Tatties grandmother whose comments have something to do with the fact could anticipate such a bizarrely BOXED would not sound out of place in that I have only ever been there uncharacteristic craving on my the fi lthier sections of Cosmo. on a Sunday.) behalf. The fl awless editing sets these Tatties specialises in ultimate The quiche arrived with some IN hilarious moments against more comfort food. For those of you fresh salad on the side. Between subdued ones which gives us who are unversed in the terms of my friends a whole variety of The weekly guide valuable breathing space, captur- Scottish gastronomy, the etymol- food was ordered to include a ing the hypocrises and fi ckleness ogy of the title lies in the tradition BLT sandwich, a veggie burger to staying in and present in any relationship, but of using potatoes in Scottish with chips and a lasagne. All of switching on amplifi ed in this one according to staples such as ‘mince and tatties’ these foods risk being sickeningly head count: one minute Heda’s which is a combination of minced stodgy but, somehow, the dishes ll my son thinks about second wife, Goli, is calling him beef and mashed potato or ‘neeps at Tatties manage to elude this is pussy” seems to be “a son of a bitch”, the next they and tatties’ which is a mixture common characteristic of comfort “A a rather accurate, if are laughing together whilst his of potato and swede. A ‘tattie’, food. None of the meals were blunt, assessment of the polyga- fourth wife, Ziba, looks on. singular, refers most commonly overwhelming but rather sated mous situation Heda and his The fi lm feels constantly to a jacket potato. But the menu the immediate pangs of hunger four wives fi nd themselves in. insightful but never intrusive: of this little abode stretches far that are specifi c to that curious Polygamy seems to be used as the you feel embroiled in the wives’ beyond the boundaries of the time of day which lies somewhere acceptable veneer behind which gossips as they reveal their baked potato (which can be served inbetween the late afternoon Search: Heda can do what (and who) unhappiness with the well- here with any combination of and early evening, labelled by a walken+poker+face ever he likes. When the passion practised laughter of acceptance: various fi llings); one can order linguistically-minded friend of runs dry with his current wife he the second and third wives fi sh and chips, scrambled eggs on mine as the hour of “dunch”. simply invites another surprise comparing Heda’s obsession with toast, or even, as I discovered, It is without doubt that it is visitor for an impromptu tour of his latest wife to the way someone surprisingly good quiche. within this realm of dunch that the house (a trick he performs at might feel about a new jumper Tatties literally caters for every Tatties really thrives. And what’s the end to make way for his fi fth they’d just bought. It is this sense type of hunger: if you want a more, all the food is served by wife). of camaraderie with the women full-blown meal you can have a the friendliest, most hospitable Whilst Four Wives, One Man that draws us to the centre of jacket potato or a burger; for tea waitress in the world. There is is fi lmed in Iran, its location their world and, very often, their time you could get baked beans quite literally nothing to complain really has very little do with it. sadness as Ziba confesses her on toast; for a sweet pick-me-up about: Tatties symbolises comfort It is decidedly apolitical and as desperation and failure to have a there are countless fl apjacks, dining at its indisputable best. such can get straight to the nitty child. gritty of such a complex family Four Wives, One Man allows arrangement. The relationships us a fascinating glimpse into an a boy. And I think you go to and tensions between the four alien family background. The Mister Emma. And I think I’m in love… wives and their husband fl uctuate motivations behind such a set-up Connections tremendously over the course of a are not always made clear but Hey blue eyes, this is green eyes. well-paced hour and a quarter to an old Iranian woman insisting I think I rode my bike into you If I say Starbucks on Market Sq., Imagine Lady Gaga’s ‘Poker give us an eclectic mix of humour, her daughter-in-laws “dye [their] on the corner of Trumpington St., you’ll know who I am! Face’, except performed by an sadness and fi erce rows. pubic hair too!” goes a long way in near Pembroke. Please write, so I aging American actor and deliv- The coarse tongue of Heda’s making up for that. KATIE ANDERSON can get you a coffee/apology! ered with a murderous drawl. mother takes comic centre stage Want to send in your missed connection? ‘P-p-p-poker face, p-p-p-poker for much of the documentary. I You’re tall, with great round Email [email protected]. face’ now sounds even creepier. had expected a sombre matriarch Four Wives, One Man is available on 4oD. glasses, and curly hair. And you’re The best ones will be on VarsiTV. Friday November 6th 2009 Features Editor: Zing Tsjeng 20 Features www.varsity.co.uk [email protected] ROOMS WITH A VIEW College rooms come and go, but envy is forever. Convinced you got the short end of the straw in the college ballot? Smug that you got what (you think) is the best room in Cambridge? Varsity takes you on a tour of the best and worst college accommodation has to offer.

Photography by Michael Derringer, Tim Johns, Michelle Phillips, Kat Waters

The Triple The Literary ST JOHN’S Set CORPUS One

John’s is luxurious, but you don’t understand just how much until you step Tucked away in a corner of Corpus’s Old Court, room O0, as well as making into its famed triple set. An old white door opens up onto a living room some rather fine quarters, is distinguished by the plaque outside declar- complete with arched windows, thick baroque curtains and baby-blue ing two of its most feted previous occupants, the playwrights Christopher carvings. A flatscreen TV and X-box make their home in a boarded-up Marlowe and John Fletcher. fireplace. This is the biggest room in John’s, and rumour goes it has the A corridor with a small pantry opens up to a huge living space, complete highest square-foot per capita in Oxbridge. with an impressive (if boarded up) fireplace and attractive window seat. O0 The room takes up two floors and consists of a living room, kitchen, three is one of the college’s prize rooms, belonging to third-year Nick Dobson, bedrooms (one of which is especially massive), and a spacious bathroom. who cites its party-friendly size and ‘waking up and having a nice view’ of The three lucky 3rd years who got allocated the room have a hunch it had Cambridge’s oldest enclosed court as two major benefits. Also, while most something to do with the first in their ballot group but this is mere Old Court occupants have to brave the cold for a morning shower, the speculation since the ballot system at John’s is neither by ranking bathrooms are just across the corridor from O0. nor by chance. It remains mysteriously under the ‘Dean’s discre- RATINGS However, being twenty metres away from St Mary’s, the Sunday RATINGS tion’. The James Bond gone to the country-esque suaveness is Price: 5 morning bells provide an unwelcomed morning call and the Price: 9 epitomised by the mahogany bedroom on the top floor. Its view Character: 10 graveyard next door has given rise to a few rumours that the Character: 10 onto Trinity Master’s Garden isn’t too shabby either. Before room may be haunted. Paranormal occupant or not, winning a you shrivel up in a ball of envy, here’s some consolation: this Big Location: 8 prize room allows Nick to enjoy the literary heritage of O0 for Location: 8 Beauty would cost you £1111.09 per term. HEIDI AHO the tidy, discounted sum of £910 per term. LAurIE TuffrEy

The KING’S View RATINGS Situated at the top of a charmingly ramshackle spiral staircase several floors up from the College Price: 10 bar is the A14, acknowledged by all King’s students as being the best room within. Tall ceilings Character: 9 dwarf any furniture in A14, and natural light streams in through the massive bay windows. And Location: 8 those windows are well deserved: A14, which faces the chapel, is the only room in the living quarters to overlook King’s Front Court, and is one of the only rooms in King’s with a view. One window has a thin but deep porch which is, according to one ex-resident, “perfect for chilling Prosecco”. A huge living room leads into a smaller bedroom, and with all that space for just one person, you’re bound to get lonely – it’s no wonder that A14 has played host to legendary parties that descend into general chaos (and rugby matches – it’s that big). It’s appropriate, considering that writer and member of the famed Bloomsbury Set, Rupert Brooke, is rumoured to have been a past inhabitant. Best of all, A14 doesn’t command the highest rent in King’s, as it doesn’t have an ensuite or a sink. It’s actually in the second tier of fees. But to be honest, that view more than makes up for it. ZING TSJENG Features Editor: Zing Tsjeng Friday November 6th 2009 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk Features 21

The Boho CLARE Option

Stepping into A4 (left) is a bit like wandering into the world of hobbits. Dried plants hang loosely from strands of thread around the room. Moroccan rugs and Indian tapestries cover the walls, chairs and tables. A white fur rug swallows part of the floor. Light, which pours nearly all day due to east and west facing windows, reflects on several empty glass bottles scattered about. A4 is definitely one of the best decorated rooms you’ll enter: goodbye Cambridge, and hello Shire. Friends Merlin Sheldrake and Stuart Sheppard were, in their own words, quite lucky to get A4. “It was just by chance,” explained Sheppard. A high lottery number allowed both Sheldrake and Sheppard, now third-year Clare students, to pick something a little nicer. They chose A4. The room spread is simple: two living rooms with a kitchen and bathroom between, and bedrooms on either side. Several floors up, the space offers grand views of both Clare and King’s Colleges. Conveniently, the Clare bar is two floors down. As the Chapel’s right next door, “you can sometimes hear the organ quietly through the walls,” said Sheldrake – which is either annoying or atmospheric, depending on what you think. The kitchen, while rather small, has an impressive view of Clare’s Old Court and a large, sunlight-filled window. RATINGS The only downside of the suite is a lack of shower. Yet at £990 per Price: 9 term, the boys couldn’t be happier overall. “We were lucky,” said Character: 10 Sheldrake. “We were so lucky to get it.” DANAE MERCER Location: 9

The Grim KING’S One RATINGS Tennis Court Road Price: 6 (TCR) is known Character: 5 for some of the worst rooms Location: 1 in King’s. Who doesn’t want to live 15 minutes away from the actual College, in a dead area of town, across from an Anglia Ruskin University hostel populated by people love playing loud music, smoking weed, and knocking on your windows to show you how much they dislike your university? The rooms are tiny (less than 10m²), The in some of them there is no heating, FITZ Cubbyhole and intricate mould has been known to appear on the ceiling For those who came RATINGS corners. “Standing in the middle to Cambridge with of my room, I could touch all four Price: 5 dreams of living in Character: 2 walls without moving,” says an a medieval clois- Dwarfish ex-resident. Location: 3 dwelling ter, this ex-linen SELWYN Other perks include a grimy, cupboard in an ugly post-industrial courtyard full of 60s block a mile from Traversable in one medium-sized step, Room 7 on 38 Grange Road is the worst bikes (below) with views overlook- the centre of town is a Selwyn has to offer. On paper it’s 7.5 m²; in practice it’s even smaller since ing monkey skeletons from the good example of dashed hopes. diagonal ceilings make it impossible for most people to stand upright anywhere Leverhulme Centre. However, the The rectangular room of F25 with but the middle of the room. Amenities aren’t too glamorous either - two toilets, distance from College combined a scenic view over the car park will one shower and a bath are shared by the house’s 9 inhabitants. with the large common room means set you back £933 per term, and that there is a strange sense of The room’s occupant, a 2nd year exchange student from MIT, told Varsity any visiting friends have to squash (refugee) community. ARTHUR ASSERAF he knew little about housing options before arriving, and was unpleasantly into the square of spare floor. One surprised to find he’d been allocated the College’s infamous ‘A* price band’ redeeming feature is a built in room. Selwyn’s ballot is random, and he was unlucky enough to shower - but whilst all the other be exchanged with a student who’d been assigned the room RATINGS rooms on the corridor had theirs last year. updated to a power shower weeks Price: 6 ago, this one was deemed too old But it’s not all bad. The room’s cheap (£54.59 a week), and Character: 0 and small to be changed. Rooms at light from its one window angles nicely onto the desk. HEIDI Location: 2 Fitz are randomly allocated to fresh- AHO ers, and in the words of Maureen the bedder, “If they’d offered me this room, I’d have refused it”. KATIE FORSTER GUIDe TO STAR RATInGS:  A room that is poo  Better luck next year  Cramped but cosy  Sweet pad, bro  Cribs, Cambridge style 22 Friday November 6th 2009 Arts Editor: Laura Freeman Arts www.varsity.co.uk [email protected] Through The Keyhole In the year that a house-turned-art installation is nominated for the Turner Prize, Alice Newell-Hanson examines the phenomenon of artists who really do live, eat and sleep art

DaviD CLarKe

The densely carved house of Kenyan poet Khadambi Asalache

he streets nestled around London’s nearby Fournier Street). At this conflux of Until his death in 1999, Severs slept in this privacy. Walking into Edward Sambourne’s Spitalfields are some of the most art and history, Severs bought a dilapidated room, replete with cobwebs, peeling wallpa- bathroom, you feel, was something not even Thighly sought-after in the capital. terraced house on Folgate Street and began per and a chamber pot. his wife did. The walls are collaged with Once the famed hunting ground of Jack the to turn it into his own unique form of narra- On the other side of London, just off hundreds of cyanotype photographs, taken Ripper, names such as Hanbury Street and tive art. Kensington High Street, 18 Stafford Terrace by Sambourne himself, of models for his Dorset Street live on in London’s darker Today, visitors to the house are greeted by was home to another artist, Edward Linley cartoons. It begs the question: what was he history. On Folgate Street, one house a strongly-worded advertisement warning Sambourne, the Punch cartoonist and self- drawing for Punch that required so many remains as a living portrait of the past. against expectations of historical accuracy styled bohemian, who lived at number 18 photos of naked women? Dennis Severs’ house, at number 18, was and passive observation: this is not a house from 1874 until his death in 1910. The house London is opening its doors this year. ranked by David Hockney among the world’s for “visiting tourists or bored company direc- is almost entirely unchanged; a tribute to Roger Hiorn’s council flat turned crystal five greatest opera experiences. The term tors’ wives”. Severs claimed that the house late Victorian style. The house was sold in installation is set to win the Turner Prize “opera” is perhaps misleading but the house demands the “same style of concentration as 1980 on the condition that it would be run as having been spared repeated threats of is a breed of performance art. does an Old Masters exhibition” and indeed a museum. But, like Dennis Severs’ house, demolition and long-standing houses-cum- For over 30 years, the house was Severs’ much of the house resembles the dimly lit it is so much more than that. If the Spital- museums such as The Sir John Soane may life work as he painstakingly converted domestic scenes of familiar oil paintings. fields house is “still-life drama”, 18 Stafford soon be joined by Khadambi Asalache’s it into a home for an imaginary family of Walking up from the basement to the attic Terrace is nigh-on theatre. house in Wandsworth. The Kenyan poet’s nineteenth-century Huguenot silk weavers. rooms, the years and furnishings advance, It is not the furnishings themselves that house promises exquisitely carved and Living in the house throughout this process, floor-by-floor, from 1724 through to 1914. make the house intriguing but the family patterned interiors and a unique slice of Severs created a twin mausoleum that The first room is a coal store, dank and lit they evoke. The curiosities perched in glass London’s cultural history. But the National engages the spectator in a strange and only by a smudge of natural light seeping cases – a butterfly, a lizard’s foot – speak of Trust’s own financial uncertainty means playful dialogue. in through a soot-caked window. Severs’ a travelled couple with an eye for detail. In that the house may never receive the visitors Walking through Spitalfields now, fight- kitchen is warmer, thawed by a heavy stove the drawing room the housekeeper directs it deserves. Fragile and in need of repair, ing through the flocks of Brick Lane bound and littered with traces of family life: break- your attention to a patch of wall without the Khadambi Asalache house will require a art students, it is hard to imagine the East fast is still on the table and a hand-decorated paper. Mr Sambourne had moved a picture, further £2 million if it is to be saved. End of the late sixties, let alone the London gingerbread man sits on a shelf. The house forgetful that the expensive print only ran At a time when the price of upkeep has Severs recreated in his house. Severs plays a game of hide-and-seek leading the to the edges of the picture frames to save become prohibitive, the very institution arrived in London as the Spitalfields Historic visitor on with vestiges of imagined life. costs. Such personal oddities, combined with in place to protect England’s houses is Buildings Trust was just beginning its fight At the top of the house though, Severs tells accounts from Mrs Sambourne’s diaries feeling its own pressures. What better for Tower Hamlets’ historical buildings. At a different story. The artist shunned the offer a unique through-the-keyhole look at time, then, to escape for a few hours into the same time, a growing number of artists eiderdowns and upholstery of the wealthier Victorian life. So much so, that at times your another England, into the forgotten London and intellectuals were setting up house Victorian room below to live out his own presence feels like an intrusion, a rude inter- of numbers 18 Folgate Street and Stafford in the area (Gilbert and George lived on fantasy of Dickensian squalor in the attic. ruption into a private house during an age of Terrace. Lt James Brittain James Brittain GaeLLe LeBouLLiC au

Dennis Severs’ Spitalfields House as created for a family of Huguenot silk weavers Reviews Editor: Paul Smith Friday November 6th 2009 23 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk Listings

Speech Debelle Purcell Aniversary tuesday november 10th, exposure music awards east,the junction, Concert 19.00 (£10) tuesday november 10th, trinity chapel, 20.00 (free) She robbed Florence & the Rumour has it the Restoration Machine, Bat For Ensemble have sampled Pick The Speech Debelle in their Pick Lashes and Friendly of the Purcell remix. They of the week Fires of the Mercury week Music Music Prize. Now let might play that. Or they Music Speech Debelle rob might just get down YOU of a tenner. Varsity with Humfrey and Britten. Week Music Talks Film & Nightlife Theatre Arts & Events Jennifer’s Body Friday November 6th The House of Bernada Ongoing Exhibitions Friday October 30th the vue, daily (21.30 sat/sun only) 11.40 Straberry Fair Benefit Gig Alba Fitzwilliam Museum Action Through Art 14.00 16.20 18.40 21.00 fri/sat/wed late 23.20 the junction, 19.00 (£4-5) adc theatre, fri-sat 19.45 (£6/9) (Free) the shop, jesus lane, 11.00-13.30, (free) Megan Fox stars. She could be “Ethereal spaciness” which there An old Spanish tale from Lorca Enjoy world music and food, and Lumière – Lithographs by Odilon called the Fantastic Mrs Fox. frankly isn’t enough of here. about lots of lasses in a house with find ways of celebrating diver- Redon (until January 10th). Except she isn’t married, or only each other, and Olivia Newton sity and opposing prejudice and Special Display: Matthew Boulton talented, and hasn’t invented a John, for company. Bang. discrimination through different Saturday November 7th and the Industrial Revolution classic biscuit. forms of art and creativity as part Stink Like Sock (until March 21st). of Cambridge University Stands the junction 22.00-05.00 (£10) Pride and Prejudice Sculpture promenade Up. A rare opportunity to stay up until arts theatre, mon-sat 19.45(£10-£20) (until Januray 31st). 5am dancing, not in black tie. Seven ‘A single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of Friday November 6th hours of brain mulching dubstep – People’s Portraits Jesterlaf Comedy Club it’d be rude not to. a wife.’ Anyone else get asked girton college, until december 1st. what the opening line was in their (free) the junction, j2, 20.30. (£11adv) Laugh like a Jester at the Junction Sunday November 8th interview for Cambridge? Susan Millennial Royal Society of Hampshire stars. Portrait Painters’ collection on with Perrier award nominee Simon Oasis @ Fez long-term loan to Girton, depicting Bligh. fez 22.00-03.00 (£4) The Wizard of Oz ordinary people from all walks of The best club night named after Monday November 9th life. headgear. Enhancement in Sport - Michael Jackson: This is Knighton Hosking: Faster, Higher, Stronger, It Sunday November 8th Paintings Yet? the vue, daily (10.30 sat/sun only) (12.50 Salsa Celtica churchill college, until saturday mccrum lecture theatre, bene’t street , not sun) 15.30 (18.00 not sun/mon/tues) the junction 19.00 (£15) november 14th. ( free) 19.30 (free) 20.30 fri/sat/wed 23.00 What do you get if you blend Latin Hosking’s work evolves through Sport is about pushing the human Is this it? No, this is it. The King Salsa with Celtic Traditional a questioning of nature and the body as far as is physically possi- of Pop seemed an odd choice to music? A bloody awful racket? No – relevance of painting using the ble. Cambridge is about pushing present the bombastic Windows 7 the human mind as far as is physi- Salsa Celtica, obviously. adc theatre, tues-sat 19.45 (£5/7) rural landscape surrounding his introductory film but if you’re box Midlands home as an inspiration. cally possible. Combine the two and office, you’re box office. Especially ‘We’re off to see the Wizard, tra Check out the review on Page 25. you’re in for an amazing night. if you’re dead. Monday November 9th la la la la la la la’ and ‘Lion, and Martin Simpson Tigers and Bears’ yippy. If any of Tuesday November 10th Fantastic Mr Fox the junction 20.00 (£15) you have seen the posters for this A Hole Inverted, Ray Hill Arts Picturehouse, DAily 12.00 (not tue), There has never been a better about town then you should be Sculpture Installation union, 18.00 (free) 14.00, 16.00 (not sun, thu, sun) 18.30, thurs week for live music. The winner of afraid, be very afraid. the shop, jesus lane, saturday 7th 19.00 november- monday 9th november, 3pm Hear the former BNP mole (below) First in a Wes Anderson trilogy the Radio 2 Folk Musician of the What’s Wrong with -10pm talk about politics, racism and life about popular British biscuit Year award comes to Cambridge. ‘A Hole Inverted’ is a sculpture by digging underground. tycoons. Magnificent Mr McVitie Angry? Taren McCallan, made in collabora- and Clever Mr Prince Charles will ADc theAtre, WeD-sAt 23.00 (£4-6) tion with Loreto Valenzuela, the Bloody good question. Erm, he’s follow. artist in residence at The Shop. lost his dad’s credit card, his The sculpture explores the use of hamster, his GSOH. He’s run out An Education space and its objects to create a of drugs. He was named Angry by arts picturehouse, daily (not sat, tue, momentary situation. wed) 12.00, 14.10, 16.30, 18.50, 21.10, sat 12.30, cruel foster parents…. 15.00, 21.45, tus11.30, 16.30, 18.50, 21.10, wed 14.40, 15.00, 19.10, 21.20 Speaking of Sculpture A thirty-something man has an One Flew Over the fitzwilliam museum, seminar room (35) inappropriate relationship with Cuckoo’s Nest tuesday 10th november, 1:15- 1:45 pm, free a child. Not to be confused with fitzapatrick hall, fri-sat 19.30 (£4-7) Fellow of the RSA and the Royal Wednesday November Are you crazy? Are you crazy? Are Michael Jackson: This is It. See 11th British Society for Sculptors, review on page 25. you crazy? All work and no play Charles Hadcock, whose work Good Shoes makes you crazy? It makes him a Caesura V is on show in the Sculp- Thursday November 12th Bright Star the portland arms, 20.00-23.00 (£8) crazy boy. Big tune. ture Promenade of the Fitzwilliam, arts picturehouse, daily: 13.30, 16.00, 18.30, Had their first ever gig in Fitzwil- delivers a half-hour talk on his Teach First Presentation 21.00 gonville & caius , 20.00-21.00, (free). liam College in 2005 so they’re Good. Clean. Men. work and its display. John Keats is the protagonist in returning to the place where it all corpus playroom, fri-sat 21.30 (£4-7) Teach First, helping naive posh this 19th century sci-fi. I don’t started. Cambridge that is, not Some pretty fly comedy from some The Victorian Parlour graduates to live their Dead Poets Society dreams since 2002. Find remember James Kirk’s captain’s Fitz – no one’d return there. of the flyest guys in this here town. the whipple museum of the history log being quite so doleful. There are six of them and they’re of science, free school lane, monday- out all about it. friday, 12:30 – 4:30 pm, free selling out fast. Wednesday November Although the Whipple is currently Thursday November 12th Star Trek 11th fisher building, st john’s college, Chekhov Double Bill promoting its new exhibition Blogging Talk and sunday november 1st, 19.00, 22.00. (free) Jam adc theatre, fri-sat 23.00 (£4-6) Darwin’s Microscope, it is worth Networking event When you think about it Star the junction, 20.00 (£pay what you like) Ch-ch-ch-eck out Ch-ch-ch-chekov, exploring the upper floors of the the shop, jesus lane, 16.00-18.00, (£2-4). Trek is an absolutely bizarre title, Enjoy scratching itches? Scratch bec-c-c-ause this is well fu-fu-fu- museum, and venturing into the Get networking lessons from one isn’t it? Especially considering and Sniff? Or Scratching records? nny. Not a Samovar in sight. Victorian Parlour. This mini- of the UK’s top fashion bloggers, they could have called it Celestial This experimental scratch night is gallery is filled with scientific Audrey Rogers, the most impor- Safari. the night for you, then. objects, fascinating to the eye. tant survival skill for Cambridge. 24 Friday November 6th 2009 Reviews Editor: Paul Smith Reviews www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]

music New Releases

paul smith Julian casablancas Flight of the conchords phrazes for the young i told you i was freaky  

Phrazes For the Young could A little less acoustic guitar. A lot easily be seen as a stopgap record more synth. As we all know, you before the release of The Strokes’ can never ever have too much fourth album, long promised, synth. Still plenty of silly story- but as yet nowhere to be seen. telling and ridiculous rhyming, I Casablancas, however, has more Told You I Was Freaky is Bret ambitious aims for his solo outing, and Jemaine’s return to form. “attempting to capture the catchi- This jingly mix of comedy songs, ness of modern music but while as you might expect (especially if achieving the power and serious- you were lucky enough to catch ness of classical music”. the second TV series), is very However, classical influences on funny. There maybe aren’t as this album are hard to find within many memorable tunes here as the large pool of contemporary the first album, but the broad influences expertly combined into range of musical genres the pair a collage of beefy sound. parody keeps interest alive. They little boots getting handy at the junction last thursday. From the 80s synth-pop move with ease from gangster- pastiche of ‘11th Dimension’, to rap in the hilarious Hurt Feelings, Little Boots Victoria Hesketh the person and set continued the songs started the lues balladry of ‘Ludlow to folk and French chanson, to the junction, thursday october 29th Little Boots the singer. Live, to merge into an indistinguish- St.’ accompanied by brightly early-80s-Bowie-ness in Fashion  her over-amplified voice pierced able stream of overproduced tripped claps and facetious banjo is Dead and reggae beats in You through the accompaniment electronic pop, a symptom of the solo, this is a studio album in the Don’t Have to be a Prostitute (“No ittle Boots walked on stage leaving weaker songs exposed, lack of musical substance in her purest sense. Yet with the sophis- no no no, / You can say no to being in hot pants and a mirror bland melodies and inane lyrics material. Unfortunately, Little ticated production often covering a man ho”). Lcovered jacket, carefully starkly displayed. In retrospect, Boots demonstrated the extent to up the excessive simplicity of With this release and their dressed as an electro vixen. But the breathy vocal throughout her which her songs rest upon expen- song construction, Casablancas increasing popularity in the while it is possible to be turned into song ‘Hands’ sounds more produc- sive production with a misjudged makes you wonder whether he states, 2009 could be the year the an English Lady Gaga with clever tion effect than Hesketh, a fact piano-only rendition of ‘Stuck On is just treading water before the Conchords truly take flight. helen production in the recording studio perhaps reflective of the album as Repeat’. Hot Chip produced, it is Strokes return. tom keane brannigan and a stylist-chosen wardrobe, a whole. one of the strongest tracks on the Little Boots struggled to sustain Strong moments included the record but stripped of its beat, the morrissey Hudson mohawke the persona when performing. She introduction to ‘New in Town’; performance was embarrassingly swords hudmo staggered around not knowing the unexpected gaps between the amateur with nothing identifiable   what to do with her arms and notes of the clipped rising scale as tune or lyrical meaning. chatted to the audience more like a were exhilarating. The audience Little Boots could have put on shop assistant than a pop star. Her responded well to the strongest a lively show with the amiable undisguised Lancashire normal- melody of the night, the chorus material on her album but was let ity and evident discomfort within of ‘Tune Into My Heart’, which down by a visible awkwardness her outfit (she only relaxed when finally ditched the tunelessness in within her own pop persona and she changed into a dressing gown favour of Abba’s influence. There a set that lacked any climactic mid set) sat awkwardly with her was even a flicker of sexuality in development or shape as a whole. constructed pop image. the opening verse of ‘Remedy’ Playing the songs from the album Her musical delivery also as Hesketh prowled across the and going home is not nearly Swords is proof of Morrissey’s The long-awaited debut LP from exposed the separation between front of the stage. However, as the engaging enough. edward henderson unlimited self belief – expecting Glaswegian Hudson Mohawke his fans to buy and then listen to is perhaps not the landmark 18 tracks of B-sides from his last wonky record many anticipated. knees and sweet-sticky hands to three solo albums. Although bursting with energy Albums Every Right-minded return from the grown-up world of The highlights are exploratory and invention, Hudmo’s stutter- make-up and mobiles. Yet Kevin songs freed from the constraints ing blend of hip-hop, dub and Person should Own Drew, Broken Social Scene’s princi- of an LP. On ‘Sweetie Pie’, swirl- electro synth fails to consis- pal songwriter, is one of the most ing echo effects, radio static and tently mould the barmy into the pleasantly rude musicians working gospel singers emphasise the beautiful. roken Social Scene emerged today, and he displays it proudly on beautiful fragility of Morrissey’s Tracks such as ‘Just Decided’ from the Canadian music the record. His unflinching honesty falsetto. ‘Munich Air Disaster and ‘Trykk’ promise thick and Bscene in 2002 as a fifteen makes the straight up sex in his 1958’, an ambiguous liturgy to the experimental beats only to sound member indie orchestra with an songs the type of hot aestheticised tragic football team, balances on like Mario Kart in a blender; album that was the direct product goodness that might affront, but the cusp between mourning their and an injection of soul on ‘Joy of all the experimental energy forces you to say right bloody on. deaths and revelling in an event Fantastic’ is likewise spoilt by supercharging the musical times. It only takes one listen to realise that symbolises the destruction of irritating samples. That album was You Forgot It In that ‘Late Nineties Bedroom Rock Northern macho culture. Yet when Hudmo manages People and it hasn’t lost any of its For The Missionaries’, its partner Unfortunately, most are lumpen to harness experimentation edge or interest. It’s still consum- ‘Shampoo Suicide’, ‘Lover’s Spit’ guitar indie, nothing but undevel- with structure, the results are ing, slowly drawing you in till You Forgot it and ‘I’m Still Your Fag’ will never oped ideas demoted to B-sides. ludicrously good, particularly in you’re trapped in its tender chaos. lose their heat. Some simply have great names the case of ‘FUSE’ which merges With relaxed, easy arrangements in People Really, this entire album will without a great song attached. a funky beat with joyous keys and yet also (somehow) a precise crisp- broken social scene (2003) never lose its smoulder. You Forgot The successful songs stand out luscious synths. ness and proportion, each track is It In People will always be the as being sensitive and challeng- A promising record then, but uniquely striking and every second innocent, but also decidedly place to go to hear the carefully ing because they demonstrate future albums should follow the of You Forgot It In People matters. experienced. ‘Anthems For A anarchic, orchestrated abandon Morrissey’s unflinching self more cohesive Polyfolk Dance EP It’s partly the dynamic attitude Seventeen-Year-Old Girl’ sees that made Broken Social Scene examination and refined musical- which was released earlier this of the album that makes it so Metric’s Emily Haines asking great and other bands envious. ity. edward henderson year. benjamin halfpenny successful: it can be endearingly all tomboy baddies with cut up peter morelli Reviews Editor: Paul Smith Friday November 6th 2009 25 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk Reviews Arts Comment FilM And Arts Would you like fries with that Knighton Hosking ground-breaking use of technol- shelf, with a heavily impasto churchill college, until saturday ogy and innovative acrylic paints, painted bunch of flowers, alludes Caravaggio? What november 14th practices that are evident in the forcibly to the bleakness of grief  works by Hosking displayed in this and the pitiful ceremony of buying hamburgers have to exhibition. flowers as an offering of mourn- he new Knighton Hosking Many of Hosking’s works are ing. Despite the obviously morbid do with the Met exhibition at Churchill loaded with personal historical allusions contained in these works, TCollege may be compact value; the most poignant of which the curator insists that Hosking Elizabeth Dearnley but the show delivers intensity pay regard to the tragic period does not see the creation of these and meaning through a brilliant in the artist’s life when his son works as a kind of therapy for grief and varied aesthetic display. In died of a brain tumour. One work, or fears of death, but rather as “a ree museums or free to get their money’s worth; the this multifarious show there are Poisoned Moon, depicts a cast means to raise questions about hamburgers? This was ability to return for an hour at a sculptures, Chinese ink drawings, bronze cross that stands upright, what it means to be – or not to be.” Fthe choice apparently time is lost. art historical documents and oil starkly lit against an obscure The striking application of paint put to Boris Johnson during his I experienced the New York paintings. background, wherein the faint in Remembrance... in which, by September visit to New York donations system last year, and Hosking was formally trained outlines of headstones loom out thickly applying the paint in the by an American youngster who found it intimidating. To get in at London Central School of Art from the shadows. The painting, depiction of the bunch of flowers, asked why London had the former without paying you have to join and Design in 1966, and partici- full of signifiers of death, is set on the painter creates a kind of third and not the latter. At an event the queue for a ticket, and then pated in the ground-breaking ‘New the moors near the artist’s home, dimension to the painting, links held at the V&A later that month announce to the stern figure Generation’ sculpture show of 1965, a place dotted with crosses which the artist to the masters whose to discuss the impact of the reces- behind the desk that you do organised by Bryan Robertson, became emblems for his son, just practise he admires, namely Goya, sion on the arts, Johnson called not wish to pay the ‘suggested’ sometime director of the Whitecha- as the clouds themselves became Rembrandt and Grunewald, a fasci- for a more stringent ‘voluntary’ entrance fee. I quailed and paid pel and Tate Gallery. The New similes for headstones. nating panoply of Renaissance and donation system to be put in place up, even though my slender Generation Show introduced a group Another painting, Remembrance Early Modern artists. for visitors to London’s museums, student purse baulked. The of sculptors who broke the boundar- Of Things Lost, a photo-realist The artist explores the idea of remarking approvingly on the current British practice, where ies of artistic practise through their depiction of a silvery grey wooden creating new surfaces and depic- more rigorous methods employed collecting boxes labelled with a tion of space, an exploration that by US institutions of Art. He suggested donation are placed recurs in some of his more natural- also suggested that offering the discreetly at entrances, with istic works. Separating the Eighth nation’s treasures to the world extra charges reserved for special from the Ninth, 2009, appears to for free might devalue them exhibitions, certainly seems be a kind of chemical attack on in the eyes of the young: “The fairer, and, for those with less nature. Bright sulphurous spots cynical young people who go to disposable income, less fraught obscure parts of tree trunks, which these museums and think they with the danger of being made to the viewer can vaguely observe are seeing something that is not feel like a second-class museum- through snowy gauze that is made prized or valued at all can at least citizen before you’ve so much as high-octane through acidic tints. see the value that other people seen a single Rembrandt. The effect of the stippled chemical- attach to it.” David Scrase, an assistant colour drops in the foreground of It was heartening then to see director of the Fitzwilliam this picture, as well as in Oasis, these comments immediately Museum, explained to me why give weight to Barry Phipps’s rejected by the directors of he is “vehemently opposed” to comment that the artist is a kind of London’s museums. Johnson admission charges: “There’s a ‘alchemist’, but also vividly actual- himself stressed that he very good British tradition of ize the artist’s intention to explore supported free museums and that free museums, a philanthropic pictorial space, and more particu- the lack of admission charges one, and I think it shouldn’t be larly to depict the space “that is as were a “huge draw” for tourists. discarded.” much in front of your nose as it is in However, he said, “I offer that Johnson’s argument that the depth of perspectival space.” idea as times are tough and people, cynical and young or This exhibition is charged by a they’re going to be tough for a otherwise, will value something startling aesthetic which serves to while yet.” more if they pay for it is flawed to amplify, rather than belie the inher- While London’s museums seem say the least. Surely people of all ent profundity and pathos of the safe for the present, Johnson’s ages are more likely to feel disen- Knighton hosking at churchill college: striking application of paint. works. florence sharp suggestions are alarming. franchised, and consequently, Britain’s free museums and defensive and contemptuous, if galleries are a vital resource: they are priced out of the game. An Education has gone. An Education spritzes of cool martinis and hot jazz; free, walk-in schools of culture In a time of recession, it is arts picturehouse those heady aldehydes of old for 95 of filtered coffee and unfiltered which can be enjoyed during a particularly important that  glorious minutes. cigarettes. lunch break. A great number of everyone be able to view beautiful n 1962 a severe school desk is Nick Hornby’s adroit script Above all, it’s the enchantment people – students, families with paintings, or marvel at dinosaur interrupted by No.5 parfum. bears plenty of laughs, which are of Paris, 1962. While we’ll always young children, pensioners, or bones, without having the IIt’s a gift a schoolgirl presents never forced, emerging instead have Paris, we have nowhere that anyone with a low income – could additional stress of worrying how her teacher, a trophy from a from wonderful characterizations, exciting to visit today. We do have well be deterred from visiting to pay for it. London has a vibrant sojourn in Paris with her much and aided by Lone Scherfig’s witty An Education. james garner if they felt coerced into paying array of free institutions avail- older boyfriend, and a symbol direction. The cast is uniformly ‘voluntary’ admission charges. able to all, from its parks to the of her attempts to reconcile her superb. Lead actress Carey And even for those who can pay, British Library, even if it doesn’t earnest home life with the exotic Mulligan is a cine-nymphet par a fee encourages visitors to cram have free hamburgers. Museums fancies he can offer. When her excellence and Peter Sarsgaard everything into a single visit should remain among them. teacher refuses the gift we know delivers a well-mixed concoction of she must choose one life or the attraction and repulsion as David, other: this is the fulcrum of a well- the older man. Supporting them are told coming of age drama. scene-stealing turns from Rosam- But this film is so much more und Pike as a ditzy mondaine and than that. Jenny, our protagonist, Olivia Williams as a steadfast is entranced by the impossible schoolmarm. glamour of the world she glimpses Jenny knows very well that with her unsuitable suitor. It feels David is not quite what he appears, impossible to her in comparison to and that shady dealings fund her post-war subtopia, that world of sunny outings. Like David, the film Stafford Cripps and walnut whips. is not perfect. Perhaps the pacing is To us it feels impossible because it a little languid, perhaps the finale a no longer exists. Chanel No.5 has little abrupt. It simply isn’t enough never been more affordable but it to detract from the enchantment. has also been reformulated to meet It’s the enchantment of dining with ethical standards, the nitro musks suitors at members-only night- replaced by synthetics for the sake clubs, where the members only “We don’t need no education”. actually, a pre-mcDonalds era diplodocus at london’s natural history museum of a few deer. That je ne sais quoi wear dinner suits; the enchantment we do. 26 Friday November 6th 2009 Theatre Editor: Lauren Cooney Theatre www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]

View from the TheaTre Groundlings The house of half expect the boards to splinter Andalucía heat. Katherine Press’ would think, to all of us. It is about underneath her. And sure, it does servant girl brought calm to the silence, heat, and repression: a Bernada alba make you twitch unpleasantly in house with a wry smile and crisp place where you cannot speak adc mainshow your seat, but the performance delivery. Mad Maria Josepha, and you definitely cannot do. The  tends towards pantomime rather the mother of Bernada, played merits of the text request subtlety than scheming megalomaniac. In perfectly by Alayshiya Gordes, and stifling silence, not crazy light- his play is going to be particular, her desire to ‘keeeeeeep produced the only genuinely touch- ing and ‘Hopelessly Devoted to about deflowering”, my daughters deeeeecent’, has the ing moments of the play. Best of all, You’ dubbed in Spanish. “Tsuggests Ed, my percep- feel of an indignant matron, or the Eve Rosato as Poncia the maid held So maybe I am being a little tive plus one, as we enter the more hilarious characters from the the squabbling cast together with harsh; it certainly is a fantastic ADC to a packed stage: a dirge is League of Gentlemen. Of course minimum fuss. play on paper, which everyone playing, and the entire cast kneel this is a difficult part to play, and in In short, though well intentioned, should see at some stage. The in prayer. Director Sam Pallis the more tense moments, her indig- there seems to be something climax in particular has great certainly knows how craft an nation is exactly right; I’m just missing, and I think I know why. potential. ‘She will be buried a Cambridge Theatre arresting opening, but I have been not sure coronary-inducing rage is Stepping into Bernada’s fun virgin’, says an in-denial Bernada here for about eight seconds, and bearable for a whole two hours. house requires total immersion of her daughter Adela. And, to my I’m already bloody confused. The Overbearing though the in a scenario – total isolation and right, a huge grin cracks across he great big theatre god House of Bernada Alba is not set matriarch is, others excel in the oppression – which is alien, you Ed’s face. alisdair pal in the sky took a look in a convent, but a house, where Tdown on Cambridge a bevy of beauties rush around with all the sweet impish in a fluster, spying on farmhands Cambridgites feverishly through bedroom windows, and hobbling from theatre to coming out with gems such as, riveting converted annex, “there’s rivers of sweat running from mainshow to lateshow down my legs”. Charming. to matinee, ruff ruffled, and But for those of you unversed in sweat dripping from their avant-garde Spanish theatre, there elbows, and said ‘ARGH’. is an important reason for this And then the Lord said let haze of oestrogen: after the death there be peace, and for one of her second husband, the wicked brief moment, ay, there it was. witch – sorry, Bernada – imposes Until the ADC lateshow came an eight year period of mourning hurtling forward all hot and on her lovely daughters, as has bothered, and made all the been traditional in her family. wee Cambridgites yell, ‘what’s Frederico Garcia Lorca’s master- wrong with angry?’ This piece is blistering critique of not only demonstrated the Francoist dictatorship – trouble is, lateshow’s flustered gait, but this production stuffs it down your also illustrated their acute throat with the unpleasant ferocity prophetic understanding: for of rancid sangria. this was both a question and Eleanor Massie is a brutal an answer. Bernada, prowling the stage in her What’s Wrong with Angry? sensible square shoes, and bringing Is a jump, hop and skip back her stick down with such force you Jessica lambert to the early nineties when life was more difficult for young gay men. Director Jacob presence was matched only by eye-popping fury is brilliant, and Shephard informs us we can Twelfth Night Jason Forbes, playing an imperi- Chekhov Double Okey’s facial expressions should be “expect to see a heartbreaking pembroke new cellars ous Orsino. Early in the play Feste given their own place in the cast  Bill love story, with a great sound- slapped Maria’s bottom and Gilchrist adc theatre list. While these catfights speed the track and some dancing to waited a good two seconds before  pace up, the odd monologue does rival anything one might see f Ricky Gervais directed a shrieking and jumping; I lamented the opposite, straying dangerously on a night out in Cindies.” If production of Twelfth Night, that Carry On Illyria never made it he Bear and The Anniver- close to the realms of OTT. anyone has seen summer flick Iit might have turned out a lot to our screens. sary are un-Chekhov-y After fiery first Farce-In-One- Fish Tank then they should like Christabel Rose and Madeline Jeff Carpenter’s ukulele playing T Chekhov plays. Short and Act, the opening to the second is be well excited–nothing like Hammond’s rendering of Shake- Feste was energetic, but he deliv- farcical, they force an audience pretty dreary. Aside from Alice a bit of two-step to help the speare’s comedy. ered Feste’s witty lines with an to laugh at and then recognise playing Merchutkina with a stoop medicine go down. In the play, the puritanical ironic glance to the audience, making themselves in ridiculous charac- and thick Brummie accent, there In fact it’s two-step-akimbo steward Malvolio is tricked by Sir for a strain of awkward comedy ters. In The Bear, a recently is not vast characterisation in the all ears at the ADC with The Toby (a drunkard), Sir Aguecheek, worthy of The Office. Shakespeare’s widowed Elena Ivanovna Popova’s parts played by Okey and niall Wizard of Oz: the film that (an idiot), Maria (a bawd), and the jokes are found funny in theatres self-inflicted martyrdom is Wilson. Helped by a flamboyant boosted the careers of Oompa Fool Feste (an enigma) into think- up and down the country, and the interrupted by boorish Grigory and coquettish Argyro nicolaou, Loompas and the Incredible ing his mistress, Olivia, has fallen directors’ decision to laugh at them Stepanovitch Smirnov, who falls they do get it together towards Hulk. The film starred Judy for him. Meanwhile, when Viola is rather than with them was a touch in love with her during a ludicrous the end of the play, and as poor Garland, who spawned Liza shipwrecked on Illyria, she dresses patronising. attempt at a duel. In The Anniver- old Shipuchin is rocking back and Minelli, who briefly married up as the male Cesario, enters the Rose and Hammond did allow sary, egoistic bank-owner Andrey forth in a corner with stress, only David Gest, who spent a Duke Orsino’s court, and catches the actors to pause occasionally, as Andreyevitch Shipuchin has his to dissolve into complete despair bizarre amount of time in Olivia’s eye. Chaos and confusion though they were grasping for the big day ruined by two women: his as the Deputation walks in, there Cambridge last year, not least ensue, but everyone ends up with right word. This made the line deliv- wife and a peasant woman claiming is a moment of brilliant comedy. in St Catz bar buying freshers the right partner in the end. Except ery refreshingly natural – audiences dubious compensation. Unfortunately, this moment isn’t shots of absinthe. There’s a Malvolio, of course. are too frequently subjected to a Katharine Jenkins’ production maintained, yielding a flat ending. chance these celebs will all be Rosaline Hayes’ Viola/Cesario relentless stream of lines terrorized veers from the sublime to the silly, The gardeners, shareholders and back to see how the Cam-Kids was edgy, knowing, even neurotic, by iambic pentameter. Furthermore, which is extremely effective at coachmen walking onto the stage do it better, so you should but also endearing. However, her Malvolio blindfolded and unable times and quite annoying at others. with expressions of horror probably book your tickets fast. Else speech was sometimes so rapid to move, crushed into a wooden After a sluggish start to The Bear, achieved the loudest laughs. That you might end up sandwiched it was nearly incomprehensible. crate in the prison scene, was truly credit must go to Alice Malin is not a snipe at the others: this between The Incredible Hulk Oliver Marsh played a deliciously distressing. and Okey nzelu, whose bitchy production is entertaining despite and David Gest (which one’s obsequious Malvolio barbed with Having said all this, the offbeat arguments and demonstrations my niggles, and you’ll even be out which? Hint: One is green). real menace. Annie Gilchrist as delivery and pausing was all too of how to storm around looking by midnight for a beverage or two, If you fancy something Maria delivered her lines in flawless often difficult to distinguish from dignified and aloof turned things and a good mulling over of the best more peaceful see Pride and estuary English and her stage first night nerves. chris kerr around. Their barely restrained, bits. jemima middleton Prejudice at the Arts. You get brownie points for literary GUIDE TO STAR RATInGS:  Bernada Madoff  Bernada Manning  West Bromwich Alba-ion  Gregory House interests and my friend Finn’s  Jessica Alba dad is in it. lauren cooney Theatre Editor: Lauren Cooney Friday November 6th 2009 27 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk Theatre

theatre Creative Writing Competition should’ve left by now) in the And yet he should be pleased – Good. Clean. Men. audience, perhaps the biggest he’s bloody good. You might also Corpus playroom risk was self-congratulatory question odd moments where  smugness. To be fair, some it felt derivative (Ricky of the cast were worse in Gervais should shoulder his couldn’t not be good. this regard than others plenty of blame), but Some of Cambridge’s best – Alex Owen, for one, comedy itself is part Tnew comedians performing is so self-satisfied that of a tradition – and if all-new material, in an intimate when he shits he proba- these boys do invoke it, venue, late enough for the post- bly high-fives it’s only to move away formal-swap crowd. the stench. from it with brilliant It didn’t disappoint. Actually, to insouciance the next start with, it nearly did: a sluggish moment. sketch dependent on Footlights-y The best thing is word-abuse (yes, “quiche” could be its sheer density. described as “a moist torte”, but It’s not just it’s still not funny). It was comfort- clever – it’s richly, Each week we set a different creative writing exercise. The people who submit the ably the night’s low-spot, and didn’t deeply patterned: running-up and winning pieces have their work printed in the next week’s Varsity, really prepare the audience for with the exception and the winner is rewarded with two free tickets to an ADC Theatre show. what was to come. of the first sketch, And what was to come? Energy, barely a word is and a really extraordinary level wasted. I came Week 4: of slickness, professionalism, and out of it thinking really, really amusing comedy. that it wasn’t just Ghost or horror Stories What was remarkable was not that comedy – that it was consistently awe-inspiringly it was almost Winner: I Foreign Eye (an extract) funny, but that it was so damn literate. At its versatile. Each of the six Good. best, this was by D. Dsementzis Clean. Men. performed a huge mind-bogglingly range of roles seamlessly: Simon clever, techni- ...I open my eyes: a blurry image of a sunny room and the outline Haines would hold the audience cally proficient, of windows appears, but only on the left. The other eye seems to be rapt with eyebrows alone acted with bandaged and can’t open. only for, say, Ben Ashenden awesome skill, A man holding a chair appears next to me. He places the chair close to steal the scene moments and fucking to the bed I seem to be lying on and sits down. ‘You’re awake,’ he later. The comedy itself ranged funny. At its declares. gleefully from total silliness worst, it was a bit I mumble incoherently in assent. (“Have you heard?”; “Yes, quite smug, a bit deriva- ‘You’ve had a rough one, sport. You were pretty done up, when we a lot actually”) to prodigiously tive, and fucking got to ya. Pretty done up, I’ll tell ya.’ He leans forward. ‘I hope you’ll clever digs at a whole range of funny. And they had understand. We had to do what we did. It was a split-scond thing, ya lampoonable targets, to the bleakly Boards of Canada know? I had to make the call.’ absurdist bile of Chris Morris’ best on the predictably ‘What?’ I whisper as loud as I can. stuff – or even (whisper it really excellent soundtrack. ‘My wife, ya know, she’s been like this for a long time. We never quite quietly) Beckett’s. As my Review Buddy knew-well...when our son did what he did to her, ya know, I never Of course there were a few remarked, I couldn’t thought we’d be able to fix it-’ gripes. Given the scattering not give it five stars. He takes my hand in his. Things are beginning to come into focus. of ADC stalwarts (who really GeorGe reynolds The hand looks familiar, and so does his shirt. I can’t move my head enough to catch a glimpse of his face, but I recognize the tie he is wearing. white hospital light signifying each the repetitive hurling of chairs did ‘You came along. We saved you, ya know, you were pretty hard done One Flew Over the new day. All too often, however, little to provoke the script’s central by. But we had to take them, we had to. You understand, right?’ He Cuckoo’s Nest the bigger, clumsier picture – The debate: is the guy genuinely insane? squeezes my hand. FitzpatriCk hall, queens Combine, let’s say – drowned out Rather, James Murray went for the ‘Understand what?’  such particulars. easy laughs, depriving his finale He puts his hands on my face and turns it around. A huge mirror Psychiatric patients don’t provide from any real impact. stands on the side of the bed. A triangular piece is missing on the the easiest slippers to fill, and the Indeed, the production had a poor top-right corner. It takes me a while to figure out what I’m looking at. ave you been branded group of Actors in Pyjamas did talent for converting the horrific to I can see a man with the whole right side of his face bandaged up and, yet?” A biro scrawl well to juggle their tragedy with the hilarious. I haven’t seen shock by the looks of it, missing both his legs from the knee down. When I “Hon the hand isn’t the their humour. Uriel Adiv’s Harding treatment administrated by large realize that I’m looking at myself a hot wave of fury and panic surges standard theatrical ticket proce- was exceptional, half-camp intel- black headphones for awhile: was up my spine. My eye blurs. ‘What happened to me?!’ I demand in a dure, but we’ll take it as a fitting lect and half-cringing shame. It McMurphy shaking at electric volts strained, half-hearted scream. prelude for the dehumanisation was an admirable ambition to or a refrain from the soundtrack of ‘We saved you, ya know? We had to. For my wife.’ practised in Ken Kesey’s renowned run with the American accents, the Chief’s soliloquies? The door opens, followed by the sound of something rolling over the Oregon asylum. There’s no need and these were good enough This One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s creaky floorboards. I see two full legs on a wheelchair reflected on for straitjackets here, for Hoede- not to grind. That of the Native Nest was best when it was the mirror. I turn my head back to the man. They’re both there, next maker’s production American Indian, however, proved understated. Holly Olivia Braine to each other, smiling gratefully: Sophie and myself, or the people we has enough flashes of harder to grasp, and Chief (Arthur maintained a continual icy simmer became. brilliance to keep you Stril) came across part-eastern- as Nurse Ratched; her sickly Blonde Sophie comes closer. One of her ears is longer than the other enthralled: a house of European, part-android. Drowning illusions of care created a chillingly and her eyes are a different color. cards quietly crafted his soliloquies with The Last of the believable agent of manipulation. ‘Sophie?’ by a patient out Mohicans soundtrack and disco She presided over the best of the She turns back to her husband, and he shrugs. of the spotlight, lighting did little to distract scenes: the grotesque sessions of ‘Who?’ the ghastly from the problem. The story is group therapy, where a fantastic ‘Where’s Sophie?’ fine enough to elicit emotion pace and the tension of impend- She takes my hand and her husband takes my other hand. without such ing humiliation made for some ‘Thank you,’ she says. ‘But she had to go. She had to go.’ cheap tricks: gut-wrenching theatre. ‘She had to go, ya know?’ In terms of set, sure, the barred She pulls out a bag from underneath her wheelchair and empties its windows looked a little flimsy, but contents next to me. Its Sophie’s, my Sophie’s, head. She’s missing an the walls were decrepit white, eye and her body, but other than that she looks fine. and the chairs cheap. The blinding ‘Don’t worry,’ the woman assures me, ‘it won’t hurt a bit.’ artificial lighting chilled to the bone. Next week’s competition: Free Verse. Try your hand at some modernist poetry. If only everything had been done Be expressive, try different line lengths, rhyme schemes and metre. Good luck! with this delicate and downbeat Send submissions to Eliot D’Silva at [email protected] no later than 9am touch. I’m not asking for total on Monday, November 9th for the chance to win two tickets sincerity, just emotion a little to the folowing week’s ADC main show, and see your work more subtle. abiGail dean printed in our next issue. luke rajah

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1 2 3 4 5 6 20 Yesterday’s health scare sounds The object is to insert the numbers in the boxes to satisfy only Fill the grid so that each run of squares adds up to the total in one condition: each row, column and 3x3 box must contain the the box above or to the left. Use only numbers 1-9, and never like unsurprising news. (4,3) digits 1 through 9 exactly once. use a number more than once per run (a number may reoccur 7 8 9 21 Within her messenger is a god. (6) in the same row in a separate run). 22 Hitler beginning to follow German leader and greeting Indian leader. (6) 1 6 8 9 14 21 4 7 24 Nearly naked around plain 10 22 12 nonsense-speaker - that’s mine. (8) 5 2 1 3 25 Sounds like Hebrew , then I just 8 9 7 6 get confused - it’s an art. (8) 14 26 Gruesome sounds, like a bear. (6) 5 1 2 4 24 14 12 13 14 3 7 Down 6 4 1 7 16 24 4 1 A healthy staple food, I hear, is 2 4 9 6 4 15 16 17 18 rightly brought up. (4-4) 2 Observe the castle, it observes 7 8 4 2 14 you. (10) 19 9 5 3 8 3 Hard-on is confusing if made up of 26

quarks. (6) 3 7 6 5 www.puzzlemix.com GArETh / MADE BY MoorE www.puzzlemix.com GArETh / MADE BY MoorE 20 21 4 Method for removing hard-on is in collapsed mansion. (7) 5 Credulous bird has exam with the The Varsity Scribblepad French. (8) 22 23 24 6 Chronic rapaciousness conceals Hitori rubbish. (4) Shade in the squares so that no number occurs more 9 Nickel medal is ‘all tears’. (5) than once per row or column. Shaded squares may not be 14 Work experience in bird vessel. (10) horizontally or vertically adjacent. Unshaded squares must form a single area. 25 26 16 I come between those canonised and the not right: liberals and com- munists. (8) 18 Kill Rove, messily, with excessive 6 1 5 2 3 2 4 force. (8) 19 Question autumn disorder, only a 5 3 4 1 3 6 4 Across 11 The French penny-weight: it’s tiny bit. (7) elementary! (6) 7 Dave gets turned around in an 20 Give hijab a wash, it’s a bit oniony. A little tit in a porno - messy, but a 7 4 2 4 5 1 6 upside-down state. (6) 12 (5) little bit positive. (6) 8 Town in 7 is messed up by addi- 21 Prostitute wizard gets respect. (6) Fruit in underwater craft becomes 3 2 7 5 7 7 4 tion of unit, though it’s small and 13 23 There’s no news in the Dow Jones, Last issue’s solutions gaseous. (8) neutral. (8) where 25 is practiced. (4) 15 Hang around bird held upside 2 1 6 3 4 1 5 2 9 6 8 4 1 3 7 5 Reagan propaganda - it’s a little 11 9 17 6 6 4 2 1 5 7 5 10 12 3 8 6 5 7 2 9 4 8 4 1 2 1 5 1 4 7 4 2 3 1 down, losing head. (6) 7 5 4 9 2 3 6 1 8 negative. (8) Set by Hythloday 5 10 2 3 19 6 4 2 3 6 7 5 1 4 6 3 1 5 8 9 4 2 7 17 A tiny bit can turn one around. (7) 13 7 5 1 4 4 3 6 8 1 9 2 7 3 5 7 2 1 2 3 7 13 6 4 5 7 5 6 5 2 13 4 8 5 1 7 2 9 3 6 4 2 3 7 1 2 7 6 2 1 1 6 Answers to last issue’s crossword (no. 512) 7 7 8 4 9 2 1 5 7 6 3 Across: 6 Striker, 7 Ovens, 9 Maps, 10 Washbasins, 11 À la carte, 13 Strong, 15 Part, 17 Weeds, 18 Tame, 19 Wisdom, 20 Tactless, 23 Marginalia, 26 Shoe, 27 Lands, 28 Gremlin. Down: 1 Prosecuted, 2 Skewer, 1 6 5 2 5 6 3 4 1 2 2 5 6 3 7 9 8 1 4 2 11 4

3 Arms, 4 Combusts, 5 Beds, 6 Shall, 8 Synonym, 12 Eject, 14 Ruthlessly, 16 Abigail, 17 Womanish, 21 Chapel, 22 Scorn, 24 Gang, 25 Logs. 3 8 1 3 2 1 5 6 5 3 5 1 7 2 3 6 4 5 8 9 6 6 1 6 2 4 3 www.puzzlemix.com GArETh / MADE BY MoorE Sport Editors: Will Caiger-Smith and Olly West Friday November 6th 2009 29 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk Sport Blues boys bring down Brookes Sport in Brief » Cambridge give a lesson in the beautiful game against highly rated opponents Men’s Hockey The Blues picked up where Their reputation had preceded them; captain Jamie Rutt brilliantly who has assumed coaching they left off last week, against CAMBRIDGE 4 it was just incredibly inaccurate. dispelled any such concerns with a responsibilities this season, spoke Wisbech Town on Saturday, In possibly their best performance thumping left foot from the edge of of his satisfaction with the nature again scoring four goals as they of the year, the Blues tore into the area and the outstanding Stock of the win, pleased with the “great maintained their second posi- OX’D BROOKES Brookes from the outset, Gwyther’s was then involved in the fi nal two tempo from the start, which we tion in the East Premiership. 0 ferocious long range effort goals, as the score line fi nally started managed to maintain. We left them Although outfi eld play was not underlining their intent. Within to refl ect the balance of play. shell-shocked, I think”. League as fl uent as it had been the pre- fi ve minutes Cambridge looked to Stock’s second goal of the promotion and a Varsity win are the vious week against Bedford, Vince Bennici be on their way to a demolition of afternoon, a fi ne individual effort, clear priorities and if performances short corners were the undo- Sports Reporter Brookes when Kerrigan’s committed was coupled with an earlier freak are maintained at the same level ing of the home side, and the challenge fortuitously ricocheted assist, the ball inadvertently hitting then both ambitions could very well goals arrived when needed, into the path of the ever impressive the back of his head and falling to become a reality. courtesy of a brace each from The much anticipated top of the Stock, who dutifully sped away from Kerrigan who went on to earn a centre-back Dave Saunders and table clash between Cambridge and the pursuing defender and beat penalty which was dispatched by Cambridge University AFC (4-4-2) captain Stuart Jackson. The Goals: Stock (2), Michael Johnson (pen), Rutt Oxford Brookes was billed as one the keeper for Cambridge’s fi rst. Johnson. In the scuffl e that followed Subs: Cook (Kerrigan), Burrows (Baxter), Hylands Blues were due to play a cup of the biggest tests of the season. Kerrigan should have added his name the decision, Kerrigan inexplicably match at home to Plymouth on For the Blues side, it was crucial to to the score sheet moments later, but picked up a yellow card, seemingly Sunday, but it will have to wait maintain their 100% record and keep failed to convert Johnson’s parried for being pushed and threatened by as the team from Devon pulled their promotion bid on track. Skip- shot which bounced awkwardly in the opposing defender – he should out. per Michael Johnson made it clear front of him six yards from goal. The really try to avoid that in future. FERGUSON that the team were looking for an chances kept coming throughout the The number of chances that went Men’s Lacrosse improvement on last week’s “slug- fi rst half as some beautiful football begging is a slight concern but the An understrength Cambridge gish performance”. He also added was not complimented by the goals standard of football played was at MARK JOHNSON GWYTHER DAY MAYNARD men’s side ran Northampton that “against a very good side like it deserved. times breathtaking; the fi nest move close as they eventually went

Oxford Brookes I don’t expect as Cambridge’s dominance persisted of the match was a series of one- RUTT HARTLEY MICHAEL JOHNSON BAXTER down 6-5. A strong last 15 min- many opportunities as recent weeks, after the break but the goal that touch passes that started with the utes almost clinched a draw for so clearly our goal to chance ratio would kill the game off remained combative Burrows and ended with the Blues, who found themselves has to improve”. So it came as some- elusive; the Blues’ only weakness, Baxter fl icking the ball onto the 5-2 down after three quarters, what of a surprise when the Oxford their inability to be clinical once overlapping Hartley whose shot STOCK KERRIGAN but a heartbreaking last minute Brookes side that turned up proved ahead, beginning to look like it would was blocked by the keeper. goal allowed the imposing oppo- to be far from what was expected. rear its ugly head once more. Former Ex-professional Che Wilson, sition to return to the lead. Captain Sam Spurrell will be hoping to have numerous play- ers back from injury for next week’s games against Brighton Conditional Full Blue status for Women’s cricket and East Anglia. » Decision caps a promising year for the improving Cambridge team

of the sport, especially given the That would be a return to a happy Absolutely nothing to Victoria Watson success of the England Ladies’ team stomping ground for the team which Sports Reporter this year”. convincingly beat Oxford by ten do with Cambridge Loughborough and Leeds wickets in the Varsity match last Metropolitan University have teams year. It was also an successful BUCS This week the Belize Table Women’s cricket in Cambridge full of England internationals, while season, with promotion coming after Tennis Club had good reason received a substantial boost this Durham possess the world’s best a play-off victory by seven wickets to celebrate after the inaugura- week as conditional Full Blue status female bowler, so a daunting task against Bath. tion of a new training academy was accorded to the University has been somewhat facilitated. This summer around ten matches which aims to rear a new breed ladies’ cricket team. Nevertheless, that the Blues’ are scheduled, including friendlies of ping-pong coach. According Whereas before a top four BUCS team is packed full of county players against the Army and the MCC at to the club’s secretary, potential fi nish was needed for the cricket is suffi cient testament to the quality Fenners. candidates must posess “good team to be awarded Full Blues, the of cricket they are playing. With an The core of the team remains, leadership, great interper- requirement from 2010 will be the indoor tournament just a few weeks and there are reports of a strong sonal skills and a strong enough top six. The Blues committee made away, Fielding and her deputy, set of newcomers arriving this year, resolve to endure a tough ten- the decision last Monday and if the Danielle Lavender, are deep in something Lavender attributes month training program”, after requirement is met it would remain preparation for competitive action. both to CUWCC’s success last year, which they will be recognised as in place for three years. They will face Kent, Southampton, and the Ashes-winning performance fully qualifi ed coaches. Captain Ellie Fielding was Bournemouth, Imperial College, of the England ladies’ cricket team. Ernesto “Brother” Rivero delighted at the decision, remarking London, and Brighton. If Cambridge Hopes are high that the aim which and Nelito “Nel” Ayuso, both “it refl ects the rapidly increasing win, they will have the chance to play has been set by the Blues committee top ranked and experienced 2009 captain Susan Little celebrates her Varsity half-century popularity and improving standards at Lord’s in February next year. is therefore achievable. Belize senior players and house- hold names among the table tennis community, will oversee The Anorak the project, which is the result of a recent surge in the number of table tennis players in Belize Football Men’s Hockey Ladies’ Hockey Rugby Union with professional aspirations. Division 1: Division 1: Division 1: Division 1: In other news, Real Santander (Week 3) (Week 3) (Week 2) (Week 3) have rebuffed all recent Trinity 3-0 Pembroke Churchill 1-3 Emma Catz 7-0 Jesus John’s 63-0 Girton communications from this Downing 2-0 Emma Downing 1-9 Old Leysians Downing 1-0 Emma Trinity 25-5 Catz John’s 1-2 Girton Jesus 3-5 Robinson John’s 3-1 New Hall Jesus P-P Downing publication. According to an independent source, the squad Fitz 2-1 Christ’s P W D L F A D Pts P W D L GF GA GD Pts Catz P-P Jesus ST JOHN’S 3 3 0 0 106 8 98 12 ST CATHARINE’S 2 2 0 0 11 1 10 6 have spent the past week on a JESUS 3 2 1 0 125 43 83 9 ST JOHN’S 2 1 1 0 3 1 2 4 remote island off the Caribbean P W D L GF GA GD Pts DOWNING 3 2 1 0 58 34 24 9 DOWNING 2 1 1 0 1 0 1 4 P W D L F A D Pts coast in an attempt to escape DOWNING 3 3 0 0 9 4 5 9 TRINITY 3 2 1 0 66 63 3 9 MURRAY EDWARDS 2 1 0 1 5 3 2 3 ST JOHN’S 4 4 0 0 169 8 161 16 GIRTON 3 3 0 0 7 4 3 9 the hounding of Varsity’s 2nd GIRTON 3 0 3 0 24 89 -65 3 EMMANUEL 2 0 1 1 0 1 -1 1 TRINITY 4 3 0 1 92 68 24 13 FITZWILLIAM 2 2 0 0 8 2 6 6 division Colombian league ST CATHARINE’S 3 0 3 0 10 152 -142 3 JESUS 2 0 1 1 0 7 -7 1 JESUS 3 2 0 1 125 43 82 9 TRINITY 3 2 0 1 6 3 3 6 PEMBROKE 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 DOWNING 3 2 0 1 58 34 24 9 correspondent, Deco. All CHRIST’S 3 1 0 2 6 7 -1 3 Cuppers: (Round 1) CHURCHILL 1 0 0 1 1 4 -3 0 GIRTON 4 0 0 4 24 152-128 4 ties with the club have been JESUS 2 1 0 1 2 3 -1 3 FITZWILLIAM 1 0 0 1 0 4 -4 0 ST CATHARINE’S 4 0 0 4 15 178 -163 4 severed. EMMANUEL 3 1 0 2 5 6 -2 3 Caius 0-9 St John’s ST CATHARINE’S 1 0 0 1 3 4 -1 0 Girton 4-0 Homerton PEMBROKE 3 0 0 3 1 6 -5 0 Clare 0-15 Catz ST JOHN’S 3 0 0 3 4 12 -8 0 Fitz 5-2 Churchill Your weekly guide to college sport 30 Friday November 6th 2009 Sport Editors: Will Caiger-Smith and Olly West Sport www.varsity.co.uk [email protected] Unsung, Unlikely... Unveiled Not every sporting hero regularly graces the back page. Olly West salutes some of Cambridge’s lesser known but best-loved sporting icons.

sent off four times for Catz, twice by Catz football career”. Since then, he has played regularly for the Simon’s story referees. second and third teams and, in Cuppers, for the first team, First team captain Max Pirkis had gaining legendary status for moments such as the 2007 Cup- umping into Simon Storey, chef in St Catharine’s described ‘Simmo’, quite fairly, as “fat, slow pers final when his “clinical left-foot finish” clinched the title. kitchens for the last 15 years and College footballer but hugely skilled”, and warned me that What’s more, as he repeatedly reminds Blues star striker Bfor the last ten, I ask him how the match he has he was “one of the most offensive Matt Stock, he is the club’s “all-time leading goalscorer”. just played went. “The ref was shocking, incredibly on-the-pitch players you will come Simmo has worked at five Colleges, but says Catz is the biased. It’s a good job I had to leave early or he’d have across”. Off the pitch, however, all I only one where the staff and students mix. It is something sent me off. One of our players said it was all in my see is a love for his College, club, and which helps to explain how the College regularly punches head but I don’t believe him.” sport. above its weight in sporting terms. At Storey’s last Cuppers I get the feeling that many people have heard this Storey’s relationship with Cambridge final he was playing in front a large student faithful, but also before, and Storey sheepishly admits: “I’ve always football began at a young age; he remem- the Senior Bursar and large number of fellows. caused a lot of controversy in my time, but mainly it’s bers regularly going to watch the Blues take His appreciation for this inclusive atmosphere is plain to because students are too polite to say anything about dirty on the likes of Spurs and Arsenal as a 10-year see, and in Storey’s opinion creates a healthy link between play. I know it doesn’t usually help the situation but I can’t old. He started to play for Catz after his the University and city. It is no surprise the College takes help saying what I think.” Later he tells me he has been divorce, an event which, he says, “saved his to this passionate if unusual star of the football leagues.

Fit for Fitz Discipline matters here is something most Fitzwilliam College Cricket s a scrum between John’s and Girton desperately Club débutants don’t know when their groundsman collapses five yards from the Girton line, the ten- Tcomes out to bat at number 8 for visiting sides who Asion is quickly diffused with a chuckle: “you’ve both turn up with nine players: when their opponent made his let me down there”. The words are of Tony Kennedy, of own debut on a rather bigger stage, his first challenge the CID at Parkside Police Station, in his role as referee, was to see off none other than Ian Botham. something he has been doing for fifteen years. Indeed, prior to entering the dark world of Old Boys’ Kennedy’s personality shines through; this is no matches (and creating a character-building rite of passage faceless authority. “You have to meet 30 people and for any aspiring Fitz bowler), Dave Norman was Cam- understand that each one reacts differently. That said, bridgeshire’s number 5 for ten years. Before that (slightly less the common denominator in a good referee is being able obvious as you watch the ball sail over your head yet again) is to say ‘no’, which explains the high number of policemen, that Norman was one of the meanest opening bowlers around schoolteachers and doctors officiating.” at a time when quicks were two-a-penny. With Surrey at 19, Whilst many a football substitute has found himself in England’s Trevor Jestey was among his scalps in a five match Above: Catz chef and striker Simon Storey with the 2009 cuppers the middle of a match trying to keep his mates and ene- spell cut short only by a slippery pitch in Gloucestershire trophy and in action for the second team mies happy staying out of the spotlight, the intricate rules which resulted in a slipped disc. TIM JOHNS of rugby require a referee who knows his job inside-out. Dave is very good at his job; a quick look at the Oxford In Cambridge, it is David Allen, third-year historian, Road playing fields on Google maps sufficiently demon- who organises officials for College rugby. It is a thankless strates his artistry. At Fitz since 1997, and Queens’ for 12 but necessary task: drafting people in from several ref- years before that, Norman keeps Fitz as one of the out- eree societies, sorting them by standard, fitness and form, standing University grounds, hired by University teams considering their other commitments. College rugby ref- as well as the cream of local football and cricket sides. erees are all volunteers, and Allen admits “we are lucky It certainly supports his theory that “the best grounds- to have them. I won’t hear a bad word said against them.” men have played sport”. Indeed, up there with Fitz as Allen himself referees local club games at weekends, the best College playing surfaces are St Catharine’s and and his coaches think he could reach the top; his own Clare. Catz is maintained by Chris Tovey, former Cam- ambition is to reach the Premiership by the time he is 30. bridge City player-manager, who took the local side to the Tony Kennedy is 54, “past his sell-by date”, but his FA Cup first round for two consecutive years. Meanwhile enthusiasm is in no danger of fading. “I think most people Clare, widely recognised as the best wicket in Cambridge do not understand what refereeing can offer you. You can and home to Cambridge’s biggest cricket side, Granta, is turn up to any new place saying you’re a ref, and you’ll kept by Rob Nightingale, currently a City player himself. have a game on Saturday and a lot of new people to meet. Whilst the fight for a University Sport Centre rages on, Just look at the opportunities to travel you have as an it is reassuring to have access to such experience with the international referee.” For now, Cambridge rugby play- facilities that currently exist. Above: College ref and Cambridge detective Tony Kennedy ers can be thankful he didn’t abandon them. reprimands a John’s rugby player

checks and he leaves a trail of blood.” ice hockey far and wide with his infectious enthusiasm and Brawn over brain? Yet it is off the ice that the Bill’s presence is most strongly incredible energy”. He is a volunteer at the Parker’s Piece ccording to the Faculty of Neuroscience, Professor felt. He has coached the men’s and women’s Blues, as well as temporary ice rink, campaigns for a permanent rink in William Harris’ principal interest is “Molecular the Eskimos, for ten Varsity matches, but his extraordinary Cambridge, and encourages links between the University AEmbryogenesis of the Visual System”. The list of achievements and contributions is endless. and the Cambridge Inline Hockey Club, where he coaches Cambridge University Ice Hockey Club beg to differ. Take Doris, his Land Rover, who for years shuttled players the youth teams. Dedicating himself to the enjoyment of Christina Yek, women’s captain and goalkeeper, exclaims: and kit all over the country and is now, in his words, “looking others, Harris has all the qualities of a true unsung hero. “Forget the limp. Bill on skates is eighteen years old and up at that big motorway in the sky, but missing carrying whacks zingers at my head whenever he’s given the chance”, hockey players” after serious engine failure on the M11 whilst while for Jennifer Rutter, vice-captain 2008-2009, he is “the carrying five players. Or look in his garage, converted into crazy guy with no helmet who taught me to skate, cracking team storage shed for piles of big and smelly kit. his head open in the process”. Even more incredibly, the summer is not a chance for “The glue that has held the three Cambridge University Bill to rest, but the opportunity to organise informal roller ice hockey teams together for the past decade”, Billy-o, or hockey sessions. In a car park. That is only while not Billy Boy, is a stalwart in defence for the ‘Eskimos’, the staff/ competing in inline-skating marathons, of course, or writing second string team, despite his 59 years. Club President poems about matches. Richard Trueman recalls a game against a big and fast However, beyond the surreal image of a world-renowned Munich University team, before which his only words neuroscientist cutting his lip whilst on skates in a car park, were “Dude, I’m gonna get killed!” However, Patrick von the value of people like Bill Harris cannot be fully stated. Heimendahl, team-mate since 2005, asserts that “his speed As Club President Richard Trueman says, “Bill has done Sport the difference: Neuroscientist Professor William Harris, Ice increases with age. He doesn’t shy away from any hard so much to support the teams and has spread the love of and Roller-Hockey maestro Billy-o Sport Editors: Will Caiger-Smith and Olly West Friday November 6th 2009 31 [email protected] www.varsity.co.uk Sport Cambridge challenged by Crawshays » Blues boys go home somewhat unsatisfi ed after the visitors prove their worth at Grange Road JAMES GRAVESTONE Broadfoot to score in the corner. CAMBRIDGE 19 Crawshays however were undaunted, and hit back immedi- ately through James Thomas, as CRAWSHAYS 19 Cambridge were caught napping by a perfectly executed chip in behind the defence. The blues again responded quickly, with a superb Frankie Brown run by Greenwood and pass to Chief Sports Reporter Shepherd seeing the latter power over for the try. A tense and thrilling encounter at Crawshays however seemed to be Grange Road on Wednesday eve- fi nding momentum, and were begin- ning saw the Blues squeeze a 19-19 ning to dominate at the breakdown. draw against an invitational Craw- Repeatedly a frustrated Cambridge shays XV. Despite a number of side were penalised for a lack of dis- infringements at the breakdown and cipline. It took a piece of individual problems at the set-piece, some fi ne brilliance from Sandy Reid, starting individual performances saw them in his own-half, to produce a score hang on for a hard-fought draw. completely against the run of play. Cambridge began the game Half-time arrived with the Blues strongly, with the forwards scrap- 12 points clear, despite the game ping hard at the breakdown to appearing very much in the balance. provide a solid platform from which This proved to be the case, as a to launch the backs. Several poorly reinvigorated Crawshays emerged executed kicks seemed to hand away after the break and Cambridge the momentum at times, but the seemed to have little answer. After Scrumhalf Doug Rowe gathers up the ball after an agressive ruck from the Cambridge forwards domination in the forwards saw sus- a period of unrelenting pressure, devoid of the talismanic Vickerman, Despite some bright patches, repeatedly found wanting, and the tained pressure in Crawshay’s half. there was little surprise when they was pressurised, and it was through most notably the attacking threat absence of Vickerman at the set- Then stand-in captain Will Jones broke through the back-line to bring this that Crawshays eventually of Greenwood and Shepherd in the piece proved too large a gap to fi ll. broke through a line-out deep in them within touching distance of the broke through to bring the scores backs and the tenacity and work-rate It was nevertheless an entertain- opposition territory, only to be tack- Cambridge score. Despite dogged level. Under severe pressure, the of Jones and Daniel in the forwards, ing fi xture, and there are plenty of led just short of the line. Patient defence from the blues, the momen- Cambridge defence held out to the Cambridge will be disappointed with reasons for the Blues to optimistic recycling of the ball saw Jones pop up tum was very much with the visitors. end, and so both sides had to be con- what was at times a scrappy perfor- about their chances as Varsity draws again, receiving a superb pass from Increasingly the Cambridge line-out, tent with a draw. mance. The defence in midfi eld was nearer.

mountaineering clubs for activist Tennis team white-washed The Sporting World purposes. Nazism was illegal in Week 5: Austria Austria until Anschluss, but, as ever it was, young people defi ed but not embarrassed the already faltering authority of ountain conquest was the mountaineering in Europe; until the Dollfuss government. They led » A diffi cult day in Loughborough for Blues Third Reich’s physical, then, the sport had been mainly the the propaganda assault on Alpine Mmental and spiritual prep- preserve of Victorian gentlemen. areas, marking out swastikas serve once in each set, returning aration for international confl ict. The formation of Alpine Clubs, wherever they could. Varsity Sport well and having numerous break After the failures of the fi rst war, the construction of infrastructure The mountaineers enjoyed the points, none were taken and eventu- “empty hands grappled for the – mountain huts and guest houses – kudos. In 1938, two Germans and ally a 6-3, 6-4 victory was claimed by ice axe” according to Paul Bauer, to support mountaineers, and new two Austrians won the ultimate It has been a hard start to the year the ATP tour player. As an exam- a leading fi gure in the German tools for safety and expediency all accolade after making the maiden for the Blues tennis team who ple of Loughborough’s depth, their Himalaya Foundation. The main contributed to this explosion of ascent of the North Face of the find themselves in a very strong number 2 was also a former member siege was on the then largely unex- activity. Climbing satisfi ed a need Eiger, a vertical face of rock and Northern Premier League. Lough- of the ATP tour. plored great mountain ranges of for adventure, a spirit that coun- ice towering thousands of feet borough, Leeds Met and Stirling The team defeat was nothing but the world. What we now call the teracted the despondency of the above the Grindelwald valley. have proved to be far superior to comprehensive in the end - to lose Enlightenment era was a tripartite aftermath of trench warfare. They were heralded as Olympians. the division’s other three teams, to love is often demoralising. How- intellectual competition between National Socialism advocated And of course, in the euphoria of but after a fi rst draw of the season ever, considering last week’s result France, Germany and Britain. physical strength, the beauty the praise lavished upon them, against Manchester last week, Cam- against Manchester, and a general The 20s and 30s saw the physical of the athletic body and praised climbers, if only inadvertently, bridge travelled up to unbeaten upturn in form since the beginning of equivalent; it was the era of the valorous pursuit. Mountains made became symbolic of the purist Loughborough on Wednesday in the season, Blythe will be confi dent race to the summits. bodies muscular and fl exible and in Nazi doctrine. They were the reasonable spirit. of maintaining the Blues squad in The Himalayas were the ulti- tested nerve. Aryan exemplars. GUY KIDDEY Both Blues doubles pairs could, the top division despite the impres- mate challenge, and each of the The propagandists were quick and perhaps should have, won their sive array of high calibre players three countries had her objec- on the uptake; it was no time at all ties but despite some promising they will inevitably come across. tive. The French embarked on an before fi lm and literature showed tennis John Western (Selwyn) and For their part, next week’s oppo- expedition to survey the Kara- and recounted heroic ascents. Kirill Zavodov (Magdalene) went nents, Nottingham, look easily koram range in 1936, and made an They also showed the reality of down to the number two pair, while beatable having just lost to Man- attempt on Gasherbrum I. George the danger involved – but this captain Rob Blythe (Emmanuel) and chester. Blythe obviously errs on Mallory led the fateful party to was all part of the Nazi crusade. Cameron Johnston (Christ’s) lost to the side of caution to avoid compla- Everest in 1924. There were two Death, martyrdom for the cause, the top two. cency, but nothing less than a victory further attempts in 1933 and 1936. was the ultimate honour. It was In the singles, the opposition’s should be accepted. The Germans had Nanga Parbat in a sentiment shared by alpin- class began to show as Western and The captain himself is riding their sights, and launched the fi rst ists throughout Europe. Johnston were defeated without high since his dramatic 3-6, 7-5, 6-3 of four pre-war attempts on the The Revista del Centro too many problems by the Lough- victory in the Manchester match mountain in 1932. Alpinistico Italiano wrote borough numbers 2 and 3. Yet for against a Cypriot Davis Cup player. In Germany, however, bel- in 1932: ‘A climber has Zavodov and Blythe it was again a What’s more, it is to be hoped that licose spirit turned into bellicose fallen. Let a hundred case of “what might have been” as the superior quality of Cambridge’s action. In a process of mutual others rise for the chances came and went. opponents throughout the year will appropriation, mountaineer- morrow.’ Blythe in particular will feel dis- leave the Cambridge side in good ing became political, and politics Student groups appointed not to have claimed the shape to defend yet another Var- became sporting. The years after in Austria used scalp of Loughborough’s number 1, sity crown. Oxford, it has to be said, the Great War were boom time for mountains and Students emblazon a swastika on the cliff s of Norkdette, 1934 currently ranked in the top 800 in are competing in the signifi cantly the world. Despite only losing his weaker Southern Premier League. 32 Friday November 6th 2009 Sport Editors: Will Caiger-Smith and Olly West SportS www.varsity.co.uk [email protected]

Blues put Raise a glass end to losing to the unsung streak with and unlikely tense stalemate heroes of against Cambridge Crawshays sport Rugbyp31 SPORT Featurep30 Bolshy Bedford battered by Blues » Even the visitors’ boxing skills fail to dent Cambridge’s resolve in eight-try triumph

WILL CAIGER-SMITH scuffl e, Cambridge grabbed three CAMBRIDGE 62 more tries before the fi nal whistle, Britten, Robson and Graham all touching down to wrap up a convinc- BEDFORD 0 ing 62-point victory. But to win the BUCS Wednes- day league unbeaten, perform well in the Sunday league to which they Tom Woolford won promotion last season, and for Sports Reporter a third consecutive Varsity victory, improvement is necessary. After applauding the team, especially Cambridge women’s rugby team woman of the match Laura Britten remain on course for a second and fl anker Lucy Hartwell, Coach successive perfect season in their Hanrahan quickly turned to Wednesday BUCS league after Cambridge’s shortcomings: “We cruising to a 62-0 win over Bedford need to work harder at the break- on Wednesday. Quicker, slicker, more down. We didn’t really make any dangerous and altogether more clini- mistakes, but the rucking wasn’t cal in their approach, Cambridge very aggressive and quick. We need dominated throughout. to be better going forward.” The fi rst try became a blueprint So as Bedford took photos, for the entire game: a limp Bedford joked together and swigged beer, kick was countered by a much stron- Cambridge were marched into ger return; Cambridge’s forward their changing-room for a dressing- line pounced on the isolated Bedford down from their coaches. It was an receiver, turned the ball over and Cambridge’s Laura Britton bursts through the Bedford line to score in the dying moments of the match impressive victory, but this is a team span it out to the left, presenting Bellfi eld added another fi ve points dominant Cambridge scrum to add through the second half. Even when aiming at perfection. Captain Talia Gershon with an easy to her 58-point haul by rounding a seventh team try. If Bedford were they did string some eight minutes opening. The missed conversion off a nice overlap down the right to bad in defence, they were atrocious of possession together, they never that followed was another sign of touch down mid-way through the in possession. Their forwards were looked like scoring. Line-up things to come, as Cambridge only fi rst half. found wanting, frequently upended Cambridge were losing the converted two of their eight tries. Cambridge then converted their by a dominant Cambridge front- ambition and aggression to add to Cambridge: Bedford’s constant failure to clear dominance in the scrum, a strong row, their backs were repeatedly their massive lead when the match their lines, coupled with their weak charge from Kate Robson setting blown up for handling errors, and was unexpectedly reignited: after 1.Skylar Neil 2.Katie Pearcey kicking and Cambridge’s speed and Laura Britten up for her fi rst try. despite improved scrummaging and a messy tackle and a blow of the 3.Hannah Wells 4.Rici Marshall effi ciency allowed the Blues to run Robson herself then got on the score some determined and powerful runs whistle, a short tussle jumped up a 5.Emily Matthews 6. Viki McEvoy riot during the fi rst half: wave after sheet with a penalty before Britten by a couple of their forwards their notch as a well-timed punch from 7.Lucy Hartwell 8.Talia Gershon wave of confi dent overlaps along added a second after a diagonal run recycling – when successful – was Bedford’s inside centre connected 9.Sammy Graham 10.Anne Cambridge’s left fl ank battered the through the gaps in the Bedford line so pedestrian that with each phase with Robson’s face. The incident, Venner 11.Sarah Binning 12.Laura visitors’ line and the tries mounted to score under the posts. Robson Bedford found themselves going according to Blues coach Andrew- Britton 13.Rachel Thompson up. Scrum-half Graham scored in the fi nished off the fi rst-half rout by backwards. Mark Hanrahan, reflected both 14.Helen Bellfi eld 15.Kate Robson tenth minute after a Bedford defen- being the benefi ciary of a three- The statistics tell the tale: Bedford’s increased aggression in sive kick failed to get over their woman overlap down the right. Cambridge were never under the second half and the referee’s [16. Jenny McArdle 17.Polly 22. Thompson added a third three Back from the changing rooms, pressure. Bedford did not have poor grip on discipline throughout Robinson 18.Julie Valade minutes later after tidily gathering it took just eleven minutes before attacking possession inside the match. 19.Sarah Terry] up a botched Bedford kick. Helen Venner slipped out from behind a Cambridge territory until halfway Somewhat reinvigorated by the