“A Principal Thing”

By: Adrianna Gober

Blackboard Writing: Hairy Pothead and the Sorcerer’s Bong is not an actual story.

Couch gag: OFF pol vaults onto the couch.

Scene shows Bart in class in Springfield Elementary.

Mrs. Krabappel: Now, class, you all know how we’ve been learning about marine life, so now, Principal Skinner has asked me to show you this movie.

The Class groans really loudly

Bart (thinking): Hmmm....another stupid boring “educational film”. (slyly) I know just what to do at a time like this...

Bart get’s up, stands on the top of his desk (at this time Mrs. Krabappel has turned to look at Bart, ready for whatever he has planned) pulls down his pants, and moons the class and Mrs. Krabappel.

Krabappel (unsurprised): Well, Bart, you obviously know what a stunt like that will get you.

Bart (mock reluctant): Oh, ok Mrs.K...If I have to.....(walks out of class room)...heheheheh. Works like a charm.

Bart walks to Principal Skinner’s office, and is somewhat surprised to see that The whole gang, Jimbo, Dolph, Kearney, and Nelson were sitting in separate chairs, outside Skinner’s office.

Bart (surprised): Huh? What are all of *you* guys doing here?

Nelson: I was caught taggin’ the side of Willy’s shack.

Shows Willy staring angrily at the side of his shack, that appears to be full of graffiti

Jimbo: And someone snitched on me and Dolph giving some kids wedgies.

Kearney: And I was staying out of trouble too long, and the teachers got suspicious, so I ended up here. Skinner walks out of his office, sees Bart, and doesn’t seem too surprised to see him.

Skinner (expectantly): Well, well, well, . I was waiting for you to come.

Bart’s smile turns into a puzzled look

Skinner: Just come inside, and I’ll explain it to you in there.

Skinner leads Bart into his office

Skinner: (to Bart): Please, have a seat.

Bart sits down in a chair facing skinner’s desk

Skinner: Well, Bart, the reason I was expecting you was...that....(skinner lowers his head down in disappointment) There’s been a lot of misbehaving lately between you and the usual other trouble makers. Almost every day one of them has been sent to my office. And it’s getting more frequent, I just don’t know what to do. I’m having a meeting with Superintendent Chalmers tomorrow, so maybe I can figure something out then...but....I don’t know, I just don’t know......

Bart (trying to help): Well, If it makes the situation better, I only mooned the class to get out of watching this boring movie on marine life.

Skinner: The one I asked Mrs. Krabappel to show you?

Bart (hesitant): Well, yeah, but Seymour, you gotta admit—it’s probably as boring as hell.

Skinner: Watch your language Simpson.

Bart Rolls his eyes.

Skinner: Bart, You can leave now. But since it *would* be suspicious if you go back to class without a punishment, you’ll serve detention with me tomorrow. Oh, yes, on your way out, tell the others they can leave too.

Bart: Sure thing, Seymour.

Bart leaves the office, and is seen talking to Jimbo, Dolph, Kearney, and Nelson. They get up and leave along with Bart.

Scene cuts to ’ house. They are at the dinner table, eating dinner.

Marge (shocked and angry): BART! I cant believe you mooned the class, just to get out of watching a movie! Bart (calm): Mom, calm down. Principal Skinner was ok with it. He only gave me a *detention* so it wouldn’t look suspicious when I go back to class without a “punishment”

Lisa (confused): I find that hard to believe. Skinner never seemed like the kind of man to do that.

Homer (trying to make a point): What are you guys all confused over? It’s obvious that Skinner is so old, he can’t think right anymore. And *that’s* why he was gonna let Bart go.

Bart starts to crack up

Homer: What? It’s just logic.

Lisa (not surprised at homer’s unintelligence): No, dad, It’s not logic. It will never *be* logic.

Homer (lowers head, sadly): Oh......

Scene cuts to Springfield Elementary the next afternoon. We see that school has ended for the weekend, and the kids are being let out. Bart is waiting in Skinner’s office for his detention. Skinner walks in the door.

Skinner: Oh good Bart, you came. Now, for your detention, you’ll write a two-page essay of why mooning your class is disruptive. As for me I’ve got to- (Chalmers storms in the room)- Uh, Superintendent Chalmers, I was, uh, expecting you.

Chalmers (agitated) SKIIIIIIIINER! What in God’s name is Bart Simpson doing in your office?

Skinner: Oh, umm..well, sir, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.

Chalmers (puzzled): You wanted to talk to me about Bart Simpson sitting in your classroom?

Skinner: No, sir, I wanted to talk to you about the recent outbreak of misbehavior around here. Bart is just an example, he is serving detention with me today, as a punishment. Bart, could you take your paper and finish it outside, while Superintendent discuss an important matter?

Bart: Yeah, sure, whatever.

Bart leaves the office, but instead on writing his essay, he presses his ear against the door to listen.

Chalmers: Skinner, you better figure out something to do about these hoodlums. Reinforcing school laws, getting another person in command. I don’t care, as long as you stop all of these shinanagins from happening again!

Skinner:(confident): Superintendent Chalmers, you just gave me a brilliant idea! Skinner flings open his office door, and rushes into the teacher’s lounge, without noticing that he knocked down Bart in the process.

Chalmers (to Bart): Honestly, sometimes I think that man is out of his mind.

Bart: That makes two of us.

After a short while, Chalmers leaves.

Chalmers: (as he’s leaving): Oh, and Bart, tell Seymour that his little “idea” better be good, and it better *work*.

Bart: Can do Superintendent Chalmers.

Shortly after Chalmers leaves, Skinner comes strolling out off the teachers lounge, carrying a small stack of paper.

Skinner (happily): Bart, can you do me a favor? Take these papers and put them up all over town. (Before Bart could answer): thank you *so* much. Oh, and just for that, you don’t have to write that essay.

Skinner walks away

Bart (making a victory motion): Yessss!

Scene cuts to the next morning. Bart is getting out of bed.

Bart (yawning): Yes! Saturday morning! Finally. (Bart looks over and sees the pile of papers he’s supposed to deliver for Skinner) Oh, man......

Bart quickly gets dressed, grabs the pile of papers, and runs downstairs.

Marge (sees Bart): Good morning, Bart. What do you want for breakfast?

Bart (in a rush) No time for breakfast mom, I need to do something for principal Skinner.

Lisa (is already dressed, and almost finished with breakfast) (anxious): Oh, I gotta see this.

Bart takes off out of the front door. Lisa follows.

Bart: Ok, Lisa, Skinner asked me to take these papers, and put them up all over town. You can help.

Lisa: Sure, why not. (Reads the paper at the top of the pile from Bart’s hands.) It’s helping a good cause. Bart (suspicious): And how do *you* know?

Lisa: You haven’t read the papers yet?

Bart: No...... (reads paper. It says: Springfield Elementary is looking for an assistant principal. If you are interested, come see Principal Seymour Skinner at Springfield Elementary, This Saturday, the 19t , 1:00pm sharp. Thank You.

Bart: So that’s what his idea was.

Lisa (puzzled): Am I missing out on something?

Bart: I was listening in on Skinner and Chalmers’ conversation the other day. Skinner said he had an idea of how to stop all of these “misbehaving kids” lately. I guess this is his idea.

Lisa: I think this is a good idea. We’ll get to meet someone new.

Bart: Tch, yeah, whatever. Let’s just get this over with.

Bart and Lisa split up and after and hour and a half they finish their mission, and meet back at their house.

Lisa (exhausted): Phew, I’m tired, I think I’m going to go rest in my room.

Bart (exhausted): Yeah, good idea Lis.

They both go up to their rooms and fall asleep. The next week went by fast, and now it’s the Saturday Skinner hires a new assistant principal.

Skinner: (sitting at desk looking at clock): Sigh, it’s nearly two o’ clock, and yet no one has shown up yet. If I don’t get someone to give the job to, Superintendent Chalmers is going to kill me......

Just then, I young guy walks into the room, looking wiped out. He had blonde matted hair, and wore a red Hawaiian shirt, and denim shorts.

Guy(out of breath) Uh, sorry I’m late. I had to run all the way over here. My car was stolen a few days ago, so-

Skinner:-I’m sorry, but I think you have the wrong place. Here let me help yo-

Guy: -Oh, sorry, I forgot. The name’s Ross Wilson. I saw your add for a new assistant principal the other day, so I decided to come here and give it a shot.

Skinner (worried): Y..you’re not coming here to ask for the Assistant Principal job, are you? Ross: (slightly confused): Uh, yeah...I think I am. I mean, I know I am. I mean...you’re not saying I can’t have the job because I’m to young and immature for it, without even asking me questions, and getting to know me, are you?

Skinner (surprised, but acting calm): Oh, no, no, heavens no. Mr. Wilson, have a seat.

Ross sits down in the same chair in which Bart sat in earlier

Skinner: So, how old are you exactly?

Ross: Well, I just turned 21, last month.

Skinner: I see. And do you have any experience or schooling in principaling?

Ross: Well, I don’t really have any experience...but....I got a degree in principaling off the internet. Plus, I love kids. So I think this would be a good job for me.

Skinner (reluctantly): Yes, well, I can’t argue against you anymore. You *do* have a degree, and no one else showed up...so... You get the job.

Ross (estatic): YES! WAIT ‘TILL I TELL MY MOM AND DAD THEIR SON THAT COULDN’T GET A JOB, *GOT A JOB*!!!!!!!

Ross runs out of the office and off screen

Skinner (unsure): I’m not sure if that was the best decision.....

Scene fades to Sunday. Skinner is clearing out an old office, getting it ready for Ross. Mrs. Krabappel walks in.

Skinner: Oh, hello Edna. I’m just clearing out my old office for Ross. (Regretfully) I just have a bad feeling about what I did. I mean, I hired him, but he’s clearly too young to-

Krabappel: -how do you know for sure? I mean, you only told me that you asked him a few questions about himself. And if that’s really true, you don’t know a hell of a lot about him. He could be the nicest and most responsible person you could ever know.

Skinner: But, what if he’s *opposite*.

Krabappel: Well...then he’s opposite. Besides, we need something different to happen to this place. Krabappel leaves room, leaving Skinner thinking to himself.

Scene cuts to Monday morning, at Springfield Elementary. All of the kids have entered their class, and unpacked their books. Suddenly, Skinner comes on the P.A.

Skinner (over the P.A.): Ahem, Will all students and teachers come to the auditorium at once. Thank You.

Bart (thinking): Alright, we finally get to see what loser Skinner picked as our assistant principal!

Mrs. Krabappel leads the students out of the class and into the hall. They join all of the other classes in the auditorium. They all find a seat and sit down. Skinner is standing on the stage, getting a microphone ready on the stand.

Milhouse (anxious, sitting in his seat next to Bart): Uh, I wonder what Principal Skinner’s getting the microphone ready for.

Bart (pretending): I don’t know Milhouse, we’ll just have to wait patiently to find out.

Skinner walks backstage. He walks back on stage, and walks up to the microphone.

Skinner: Ahem. Good morning students. Teachers. I’m sure you’re all wondering why I’ve called you all here. Well, let me explain. You see, the world is full of changes. We change everyday. It’s a natural thing. And it’s about time Springfield Elementary makes a change.....to the staff. Let me introduce you to Springfield Elementary’s very first Assistant Principal: Mr. Ross Wilson.

Ross nervously walks on stage. He’s now wearing a tan business suit, which is hanging open unbuttoned, revealing a white shirt and orange tie.

Bart (excited): Milhouse! Do you know what this means?! Since our new assistant principal is obviously young and cool, we can use him to our advantage!

Milhouse (happily): Alright!

Ross (overly nervous): uh...(in a squeaky voice): Hello. (Small snickers and chuckles are heard; Ross clears his throat and his voice is now normal again): hello Springfield Elementary. Er, my name is Ross Wilson, and I’m your new assistant principal. Uhhh...... (nervously): Heheh, gulp. It’s, well...very *awkward* talking in front of all of you. And, well, er, I promise to be a great assistant principal. Thanks.

Ross quickly walks off stage. The room fills with talk and laughter.

Skinner walks up to the microphone, trying to silence the room Skinner: Now, there’s no need to poke fun at that young man. He was brave enough to come to me and ask for the job of assistant principal of this fine school. Now, it just so happens he has a degree in principaling. I even checked myself, just make sure it wasn’t fake. Yes, his speech was a bit....uh....shaky, but that’s nothing to laugh at. He was simply just nervous. It’s his first day, and he has the right to be nervous. I’m sure he’ll do.....great things here. As for now, you may go back to your classrooms. Thank you.

The room erupts in load talking as each class lowly leaves the room. When the auditorium is empty, and skinner is about to leave for his office, Ross comes out and greets him

Ross (at a loss of words): I, um, well.....I just wanted to say...... thanks.

Skinner: Yes, well, it’s the least I could do. Now, what do you say we walk back to our offices, and tell each other a little bit about ourselves?

Ross (assured): Well, I think that’s a good idea.

Skinner and Ross walk out of the auditorium and into the hall

Ross: Well, My mom’s name is Karen, and my dad’s name is...well, odd. It’s Geoff, for God’s sake. Anyway, he used to be a skilled steel craftsman at the Springfield Steel Co., until one day his thumb was seriously burned while making steel one day, and had to be amputated.(looks down at his feet)The thing that sucks, er, sorry, “get’s me”, is that he was fired because they had to stop everything they were doing, to help him get to a hospital.

Skinner: Well that sure isn’t right.

Ross: Yeah, I know....so, tell me something about you.

Skinner: Well, I’ve been the principal of this school for 26 years...... and I live with my mother.

Ross: Not to be rude or anything, but why would you still live with your mom? Although, If my parents hadn’t kicked me out of the house, I probably would’ve stayed. Of course, they had no trouble begging my *brother* to stay.

Skinner (interested): Your brother?

Ross: Yeah, My brother Cliff. He was always my parents favorite-

Skinner:- CLIFFORD WILSON?? I knew your last name was familiar! Good, Lord, Clifford Wilson was one of the best students I’ve ever had. And he’s your brother?

Ross (discouraged): ....yeah. Skinner (trying to make Ross feel better): Well, I’m sure it runs in the family, being skilled and great and all.

Ross: ha, yeah....

Skinner and Ross arrive at their offices. Ross’s office is on the other side of the hall.

Skinner: Oh, almost forgot. (Hands Ross a key ring, holding two keys) These are two keys that you’ll be needing when you work here. One is the master key; it opens all of the doors in the school. And the other is your office key.

Ross: Thanks.

Skinner (looking at watch): Good Lord it’s ten after twelve! We’re missing lunch!

Skinner walks down to the teacher’s lounge, Ross following closely behind. Skinner enters the room, and is greeted by the teachers.

Krabappel; Where’s the kid?

Skinner: Oh, you mean Ross? He was just behind me a moment ago.....

Ross walks into the room

Ross (slightly nervous): Uh, hey.

Skinner looks around the room, and is stunned to see Superintendent Chalmers there.

Skinner: S..S.. Superintendent Chalmers?!

Chalmers: (stands up) That’s right, Seymour, I decided to come and see your big idea. Where is he.....or she?

Skinner (nervous): Well, I uh,...

Ross: I’m right here, sir.

Superintendent Chalmers (taken aback): I’ve got no time for jokes, kid. And why are you in the teacher’s lounge?

Ross: Er, because I’m the Assistant Principal.

The room goes quiet. Chalmers eyes Ross suspiciously.

Chalmer: You have...your nose pierced? Ross: Yes.

Chalmers: Did it hurt

Ross (confused): Uh, no, I don’t think so-why are you asking me these weird questions (quickly) sir.

Chalmers: Well....I’m not sure......

Chalmers looks around the room. Everyone is staring at him. He sits back down, embarrassed.

Ms. Hoover: Isn’t someone supposed to be on recess duty.

Skinner (worried): Yes! Oh, how could I forget??? Those kids could be running amuck out there!

Ross: Well, I’ll go out there and see what’s happening.

Ross quickly walks out of the room and outside

Skinner (relieved): Phew. So, what do you all think of Ross?

Chalmers: He’s no good. He has his *nose* pierced for God’s sake, Seymour.

Krabappel: Well, he’s a loser, but a real hottie

Skinner makes an annoyed noise

Krabappel (quickly): Not that you’re not, Seymour.

Skinner: (nods head, proudly)

Ross is outside, watching the kids closely, determined to get someone in trouble. Bart sees Ross, and approaches him.

Bart (thinking): This is it. My chance to take advantage of this loser!

Bart (to Ross): Hello, Assistant Principal Wilson.

Ross (feeling proud to be called “Assistant Principal” Wilson): Uh, hello Mr...um, what’s your name? I don’t believe I’ve met you yet...

Bart: The name’s Bart Simpson. It’s a pleasure to meet you. Anyway, I want you to get on the right side of the school.

Ross: Right side? Bart: That’s right, the right side of the school-my side. You don’t wanna be like Skinner. He’s WAY to uptight. If you’re as cool as you look, you don’t wanna ruin your reputation following in Skinner’s footsteps.

Ross (confused): I don’t?

Bart: Nope. Here, let me explain......

Bart’s voice begins to grow faint, as Skinner walks out onto the recess yard, to see how Ross was doing. You can still hear Bart’s faint voice talking to Ross. Skinner sees Bart and knows exactly what he’s doing.

Skinner (overly worried): Good Lord, what am I going to do. It’s obvious Bart’s trying to convince Ross to join his side, but what to do, what to do...

Skinner’s worries were interrupted by Ross’ loud annoyed shout

Ross: Do you think just because I’m young, I’m an idiot?! Well, let me tell you something, *Bart*, I”M NOT!

Skinner walks over to Ross and Bart. Ross is standing stiff, hands clenched with rage. Skinner is wearing a half satisfied, half stressed face.

Skinner (calm): Well, well, well, Mr. Simpson. I see you’ve given Ross your little speech about why he should join your side.

Ross (still quite furious): Yeah, and I’m not buying it!!

Skinner: (under his breath, to Ross): Calm down. (Ross, listens to Skinner, and takes a deep breath. Skinner talks aloud to Bart once more): Well, there’s nothing *I* can do about this, but I’m sure Ross has a punishment that fits for what you did. Now, I have work to do in my office.

Skinner walks away

Ross (slightly agitated, but not nearly as angered): Well, Simpson, for what you did, you could’ve earned yourself a week of detentions...but, I’ll go easy on you. You’ll have detention with me tomorrow.

Ross walks away and leaves Bart behind. The school bell rings, and all of the students go inside....Bart stays behind. A few minutes later, Bart walks into his classroom, late.

Krabappel: and just where were you, Bart?

Bart: Oh, I just had some business to do...uh, in the bathroom, that is. Krabappel: Oh...well, what are you waiting for? Don’t just stand in the doorway, sit down.

Scene cuts to the next day. Bart’s detention with Ross is almost over. Bart walks up to Ross

Bart; Um, Listen, Ross-I mean Assistant Principal Wilson.

Ross: Ross is fine.

Bart: Ok. Anyway, I’m sorry I tried to manipulate you into believing Skinner was the enemy. I just like to have a little fun once and a while..ok, more than 50% of the time...ok, all the time. But, what do you expect?

Ross: I, well,....I guess your right. Life’s nothing without a little fun.

Suddenly, there’s a knock on the door. comes in.

Marge (all a flutter): Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry! Bart, I can’t believe you did something like that! In all of my ten years being your mother, I’ve never heard or seen you do anything like thi-

Ross (trying to calm Marge down)-Mrs. Simpson, calm down. Bart wasn’t thinking about his actions. I’m sure it won’t happen again. Please don’t worry about it...Oh, allow me to introduce myself. The name’s Ross, Ross Wilson. I’m the new assistant principal here.

Marge: Well, it’s nice to meet you, Mr. Wilson. So, is Bart free to leave yet?

Ross: Oh, yeah. His detention is over. So, I guess I’ll be seeing you on Monday, Bart?

Bart: Most definitely.

Bart and Marge leave the school. Shortly after, Skinner walks in Ross’ office.

Skinner: So, how was the detention?

Ross: Oh, it went pretty well, I thought. I had Bart organize my desk drawers.

Skinner: Well, I’m glad he was no trouble. You know, I have to admit, that when you first started you had all of my doubt that you would ever be able to manage this job. But now, I must say, I was wrong. The thought of you nailing *Bart Simpson* on your first day was just glorious.

Ross: What? Is Bart some kind of “underachiever and proud of it” type of kid?

Skinner: Not only that, but Bart Simpson has been the bane of my existence for years.

Ross: That bad, huh? suddenly rushes into the room.

Willie: Skinner! It’s ‘appened again!!

Skinner (worried): You mean?

Willie: Aye! Follow me!

Willie dashes out of the room, followed by Skinner and Ross. Willie leads them to the basketball court on the recess yard. Scribbled in huge dark spray paint across the whole court was: El BARTO.

Skinner: Nooooo! Why?! How does he do it?!

Ross: (curious): Who?

Skinner: El Barto. For years, he’s been scribbling his name across walls, bathroom stalls, and my personal belongings. And I’ve wished for so long to find out who he is.

Ross let’s out a soft chuckle

Skinner (annoyed): Mr. Wilson, don’t be so immature! This is not a laughing matter!

Ross: (chuckling): Yeah, I know, but I can’t believe you’re not able to figure it out.

Skinner (overly anxious and excited): You mean you know who El Barto is???

Ross: Yeah sure (serious) You mean you don’t know?

Skinner: No, I don’t know? Do you think I’d be standing here in agony if I did? NO! I’d be tracking down the culprit, and punishing them!

Ross: Oh..I just thought you’d know.....Well, it’s obvious that Bart Simpson is El Barto.

Skinner (curious): How so?

Ross: Well, Bart’s name is in it. It’s El*Bart*o, isn’t it?

Skinner (estatic): ROSS, YOU’RE BRILLIANT! WAIT UNTIL I GET MY HANDS ON THAT LITTLE HOODLUM!

Skinner walks halfway to the school, and turns around

Skinner: Ross, I just want to thank you so much. How did you possibly figure that out. Ross: Plain logic, I guess. Either that, or it’s....a principal thing.

Skinner: You make me proud to be your boss. Ross-

Ross: -Yeah, Seymour-

Skinner: - I have a feeling you’ll be staying here for a long time.

THE END