The Simpsons “Insert Title Here” By Jonathan G. Cohen
WGAw Registered 06/06/2003
1770 East 54th Street
Brooklyn, NY 11234 (718)252-2553 [email protected]
2.
“INSERT TITLE HERE”
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
EXT. SIMPSON HOUSE - EVENING
WIDE ON HOUSE to establish. Marge opens the front door from within.
MARGE Kids! It’s time for family night!
Bart and Lisa run inside. Homer and Millhouse approach Marge.
HOMER (whining) But Marge, the 10th graders down the block are binge drinking.
MARGE I said if I caught you with those 10th graders again that you couldn’t hang out with each other anymore.
MILLHOUSE (makes a whipping hand motion, cracking noise)
HOMER At least I’m getting some.
MILLHOUSE Can I come too?
HOMER Family night is for people with families. Children with divorced parents don’t have families.
MARGE You’re a bad influence, stay away from my husband.
Homer steps inside, Marge shuts the door. ANGLE MILLHOUSE. He is puzzled, a twizzler hangs from his mouth.
INT. SIMPSON LIVING ROOM
The Simpson family is sitting on the couch. Homer is overly reclined, Bart sinks into the couch.
3.
BART Ah, TV Night. What better way to spend time with each other than to not speak at all.
HOMER Agreed.
Homer lifts Lisa from the couch and places her on his stomach to weigh it down.
ANGLE TV SCREEN - CONTINUOUS - The “FOX” emblem rapidly approaches from a vanishing point against a pink background.
TV ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Tonight, on “Surprise! Hidden Web-Cam Pornography”.
A “Surprise! Hidden Web-Cam Pornography” banner replaces the “FOX” emblem.
INT WAYLAN SMITHERS’ APT. - CONTINUOUS
Doorbell sound. Waylan Smithers hums an upbeat melody as he energetically walks to the door. He opens it, a woman wearing a bikini and a toolbelt caresses him.
CABLE SLUT (seductively) Hi, I’m here to fix your cable..
WAYLAN SMITHERS (pauses) No thank you!
Waylan Smithers slams the door shut.
INT. SIMPSON LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Marge turns the television off with a remote.
MARGE (sighs) So much for family night.
HOMER Well I can still watch TV by myself.
Homer turns the television on with the remote.
LISA I’d better start writing my thesis.
4.
Lisa leaves the living room, Homer’s stomach expands.
BART The 10th graders are having a keg party, I’m outta here.
As Bart is leaving the room, Homer grabs him by the back of his shirt and sets him down on his stomach.
HOMER Those 10th graders are Millhouse trash, boy. You’re not old enough for underage drinking yet.
BART (angry) You just need me to weigh down your fat so you can see the TV.
HOMER (embarrassed) My reasons for securing a tummy weight are my own business.
MARGE Bart, go to your room.
Bart leaves the room, Homer’s stomach expands. Homer grabs Maggie and places her on his stomach.
MARGE (CONT’D) Homer, stop using our children to flatten your stomach.
HOMER Why else did we have children?
MARGE Try losing some weight.
HOMER Shouldst one lose what-ith they’ve gained?
MARGE You’re fat.
HOMER Pleasantly plump?
MARGE Remember that elevator you couldn't use because you put it over the weight limit?
5.
HOMER Otis designed his elevators for anorexics and heroin addicts.
MARGE You were by yourself.
INT. MOE’S BAR - AFTERNOON
Homer is sitting on a bar stool.
HOMER I need to go on a diet.
MOE Just eat what you want and drink till you throw it up.
HOMER Doesn’t beer have a lot of calories?
MOE Nah Homer, beer doesn’t have a nutritional listing so there ain’t none of them calories to worry about.
Barney sits next to Homer, he is noticeably thinner.
BARNEY As part of my 12 step program I had to take better care of myself. I stopped eating carbohydrates and lost 23 pounds in two days.
MOE Oh yeah, that's the diet for fatties who won't get off their ass.
BARNEY I have a genetic predisposition, thank you. You can eat protein and fat, but no bread and- (interrupted)
HOMER Ahem-hem. Beer?
BARNEY Some liquor’s okay, but no beer. With me sober, Moe would lose his only other source of income.
Barney and Homer stare at Moe anticipating a response.
6.
MOE (pause) Oh, that’s alright. I just opened a no-carb boutique in the basement.
INT. CELLAR - CONTINUOUS
Moe, Barney, and Homer stand in a rundown basement by a door.
MOE (CONT’D) Well, she ain’t much but here she is.
Moe opens the squeaking door.
INT. ATRIUM - CONTINUOUS
High ceilings and waterfalls define an expansive room with an abundance of trees. Chirping birds land on a cooler containing frozen food, Homer approaches and inspects it.
HOMER I can eat all the cheese, meat, and bacon I want?!
BARNEY Try some Ceasar-Cola.
Barney tosses Homer a can of “Ceasar-Cola”. A fizzing noise is produced as the sodas are opened, they chug the dressing that oozes out. Their waist lines shrink.
HOMER (refreshingly sighs) You know, this diet could be just what I’m looking for..
INT. SIMPSON KITCHEN - MORNING
Marge is sitting at the kitchen table reading a book titled “Fat = Skinny!” Dr. Nick is on the front cover. Bart and Lisa approach. Lisa places a brown paper bag drenched in oil on the table, cream leaks out from tears on the side.
LISA Homer packed my lunch again.
BART (whining) My heart hurts.
7.
LISA I'm a vegetarian, I can't eat anything here. Homer's cream-ed cheese is disgusting, we’ve barely eaten in days.
BART (looking down) I can almost see my feet.
MARGE Your father didn’t want food in the house he couldn’t have.
(O.S.) - A car screeches to a halt.
MARGE (CONT’D) That’s him with breakfast, if he can change so can we.
Homer quickly approaches the table holding a plastic bag. He pulls out a steak shaped like a bagel.
ANGLE HOMER
HOMER Who wants steagels?!
O.S. - There is rapid succession of running sounds, a car starting, and a car speeding away.
WIDE ON KITCHEN
Marge, Bart, and Lisa are removed from the room.
HOMER (CONT’D) (confused) Hm.
Homer sits at the table and butters a steagel.
INT. SUPERMARKET
Marge pushes a shopping cart down a frozen foods isle with Bart and Lisa beside her.
BART Mom, I want frozen pizza.
LISA Do you know what chemicals are in that?
8.
BART Yeah, the ones that make food taste good.
LISA There's no need to buy food that jeopardizes our long term health. Mom can buy organic food and make a pizza that tastes better.
BART I’ll accept your challenge.
MARGE And we can make it together, like a real family. This will be a pizza to remember!
INT. CHURCH
ANGLE ON STAGE
A sudden burst of dramatic music accompanies the loud cries of a church audience. Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, & Maggie lie in open caskets.
ANGLE ON PULPIT
REVEREND LOVEJOY Saying farewell to the Simpsons pains us all. After many perilous adventures, one could never have expected they would be infested with deadly parasites in Lisa's organic tomatoes. Though it feels they'll be found alive somewhere at the end of this tragic episode (pause) of events, they definitely won't. Thank you, and be reassured the Simpsons are dead with this sudden cremation.
The floor beneath the caskets retracts, the coffins fall in and flames shoot up.
ANGLE ON RETRACTED FLOOR / STAGE BOTTOM
Notable characters appearing on The Simpsons walk past the retracted floor. When a person removes him/herself from the procession its forward movement continues.
Mr. Burns, Waylan Smithers step out of line. Mr. Burns grips a fish bowl holding “Blinky” in a veil.
9.
WAYLAN SMITHERS That was unnecessary.
MR. BURNS Homer Simpson was the only worker Section 7G ever had.
WAYLAN SMITHERS You remember his name.
MR. BURNS In death only.
Mr. Burns, Waylan Smithers rejoin the line and walk off- screen. Apu, Snake, Nelsen, Herb Powell, & Sideshow Bob step out.
APU (crying) He bought so very much.
SNAKE Give me a hug, dude.
NELSEN Ha(!)-waaaaaah.
HERB POWELL So many years wasted.
SIDESHOW BOB So many failed murder attempts.
Apu, Snake, Nelsen, Herb Powell, Sideshow Bob rejoin the line and walk off-screen. Moe, Barney, and Duffman step out.
MOE The bar just won’t be the same without you. Homer was the only one who would buy expired beer.
BARNEY Don’t forget about those 10th graders.
MOE Yeah, but it’ll be decades before they have his tolerance. That or college, whichever comes first.
DUFFMAN Extreme sadness rages inside of Duffman! If he was human, he would cry!
10.
Moe, Barney, Duffman rejoin the line and walk off-screen. Selma Bouvier, Patty Bouvier, Ned Flanders, Todd Flanders, and Dr. Hibbert step out.
SELMA BOUVIER (sobbing) I can’t believe they’re really gone.
NED FLANDERS It seems like just yesterday Homer jumped the Springfield Gorge.
DR. HIBBERT Well, that was yesterday.
SELMA BOUVIER (confused) What?
DR. HIBBERT Yes, that was yesterday I noticed some troubling information in Marge's autopsy. (laughs) It all could have happened yesterday. I'm sorry if you thought I was implying something. Were you all aware of Marge's (uncomfortable pause) alternative lifestyle?
PATTY BOUVIER (shocked) She was gay?
DR. HIBBERT (laughs) No, just an E-head.
SELMA BOUVIER Marge used ecstasy? That’s crazy!
Selma leans towards Dr. Hibbert.
SELMA BOUVIER (CONT’D) How’d she take it, straight, bumped or mixed?
TODD FLANDERS Selma??
DR. HIBBERT Ecstasy is popular in underground clubs. Marge had taken a high dose the night she died.
11.
NED FLANDERS There’s no way Marge used drugs.
DR. HIBBERT I just thought you should know.
Dr. Hibbert gives Ned a picture of two muscular black men grinding against Marge inside of a cage. She is dressed in a tube top, mini skirt, and high heels. Selma and Patty view the photograph.
DR. HIBBERT (CONT’D) In case you didn’t see this on Hidden Web Cam Pornography last night.
SELMA BOUVIER (to Patty) That’s your cage at Switch Hitters!
TODD FLANDERS Patty??
NED FLANDERS Something’s not right. We should go there and investigate. (to Rod, off- screen) Rod, its time to go!
Rod runs on screen, Ned kneels to Rod’s height.
ROD FLANDERS (moans) Why so soon?
NED FLANDERS Daddy’s going clubbing, come on kids.
TODD FLANDERS (confused, crying) What’s going on??
Selma, Patty, Ned, Todd, Rod, and Dr. Hibbert walk off- screen. The procession of characters walking in line ends. From South Park: Cartman, Kyle, Kenny, and Stan walk on- screen.
STAN We’re the only ones left.
KYLE If we hurry, we can still make it in time to see Terrance and Philip fart on Itchy and Scratchy.
12.
CARTMAN That’s tonight(?), crossovers kick ass!
As Kyle and Stan walk off-screen, Cartman pushes Kenny in the hole. Flames shoot upward, Kyle and Stan stop walking.
STAN Oh my God, they killed Maggie!
Puzzled, Cartman and Kyle stare at Stan.
STAN (CONT’D) And Kenny, he’s dead too.
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE
13.
ACT TWO
FADE IN:
EXT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - MORNING
WIDE ANGLE to establish.
A large group of children stand amongst flowers and lit candles. Seymour Skinner stands at a podium facing the crowd.
ANGLE ON PODIUM
SEYMOUR SKINNER ...And so we rename our school and dedicate this memorial in their memory.
ANGLE ON a sheet concealing the school's name. When removed, the sign reads "The Lisa Simpson School (featuring bart)".
ANGLE ON a statue depicting Lisa as "The Thinker"; a figure portraying Bart struggles to move forward with a slingshot in his hand. He is forcibly held back by Lisa's palm pressing into his face. Students applaud.
INT. SEYMOUR SKINNER’S OFFICE
Seymour Skinner and Edna Krabappel are sitting opposite to each other at a desk. Edna is upset, Seymour holds her hand.
SEYMOUR SKINNER (CONT’D) Helping students come to terms with the death of a classmate is a teacher’s most difficult responsibility. I’m here if you need me.
EDNA KRABAPPEL Ralph tried swallowing the hamster, but that's the worst it. (blows her nose) It reminded him of Lisa.
SEYMOUR SKINNER Oh.
EDNA KRABAPPEL It's the middle of recess, shouldn't you be stopping kids from throwing rocks at your car?
14.
SEYMOUR SKINNER No, that was Bart's thing.
EDNA KRABAPPEL At least you’ll have more time to set up for the National Grammar Rodeo.
SEYMOUR SKINNER Moved to Shelbyville. We were hosting because Lisa was the grammar champion.
EDNA KRABAPPEL (sighs) We've lost our beast and brightest. Oh well, just keep principaling around like you always do.
Edna leaves. Seymour taps his knuckles on the desk. ANGLE ON a list of the school’s faculty, he checks a box next to Edna’s name. ANGLE SEYMOUR.
SEYMOUR SKINNER She was the last one.
Seymour looks at the clock and sighs. He taps his knuckles on the desk, looks at the clock, and presses an intercom button.
SEYMOUR SKINNER (CONT’D) Willy, do you need me for anything?
Pig snorting and splashing noises are heard on the intercom.
WILLY (O.S.) I'm up to my kilts here in yesterday's lunch and there's no need for a poop troop!
SEYMOUR SKINNER (disgusted) Thanks Willy.
INT. SPRINGFIELD NUCLEAR POWER PLANT
A small crowd stands outside of Homer’s workstation. Flowers and pictures of Homer are scattered on the ground. Mr. Burns walks on-screen.
MR. BURNS What’s all this slobbering about? It’s like somebody died or stopped living.
15.
CARL If you weren’t senile that’d be somewhat offensive. Why’d you come down here then?
MR. BURNS Leeza from Human Resources said that I needed to make an appearance. I have to pretend like I care while you people gallivant around like it's the end of the world.
LENNY Mr. Burns, you're a bad man!
Carl and Lenny walk off-screen, Lenny quickly leans on- screen.
LENNY (CONT’D) Sometimes.
Lenny moves off-screen. Mr. Burns walks into Homer’s workstation and looks at a framed picture of Homer sleeping in his work chair.
MR. BURNS What is it about this Homer J. Simpson? Was he more than a gluttonous drunk who spent his time indulging in a donut or a do not?
The desk phone rings, Mr. Burns answers.
MR. BURNS (CONT’D) A-hoy-hoy?
LEEZA (O.S.) Monty, you got five minutes?
MR. BURNS For you Leeza, (angrily) I’ve got one.
INT. SEYMOUR SKINNER’S HOUSE - KITCHEN
Seymour Skinner and Agnes Skinner are standing in their kitchen, ANGLE ON waist up.
AGNES SKINNER It's good to have you home Seymour. Now I have someone who has to spend time with me.
16.
SEYMOUR SKINNER There’s not much for me to do lately. God knows they don’t pay us to teach.
Agnes hugs Seymour.
AGNES SKINNER Awh... I always knew you were worthless.
Agnes holds up a mop and a bucket of water.
AGNES SKINNER (CONT’D) Prove me wrong.
FADE TO ANGLE ON KITCHEN FLOOR
Seymour stops vigorously cleaning tiles, his clothes are dirty. Agnes is removed from the room.
SEYMOUR SKINNER Mother, I'm done scrubbing.
AGNES SKINNER (O.S.) Good, start retiling the floor.
SEYMOUR SKINNER Why did you have me clean all this?
AGNESS SKINNER (O.S.) You would have the sanitation community think I live in filth? Get to work!
SEYMOUR SKINNER (aggravated sigh)
AGNES SKINNER (O.S.) You just lost your dessert!
INT. SKINNER HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Agnes Skinner and three friends are playing card games on a fold-out table. Seymour Skinner walks on-screen, his clothes are ripped, and he is out of breath.
SEYMOUR SKINNER I’m finished.
AGNES SKINNER (to friends) Look how much my son loves me.
17.
FRIEND #1 He's such a good boy.
ANGLE ON Agnes’ three friends struggling to touch Seymour. RETURN TO WIDE ANGLE. Seymour does not move.
AGNES SKINNER (angrily) Seymour...
SEYMOUR SKINNER Oh my God...
Seymour steps forward, Agnes’ friends claw at his shirt.
FRIEND #2 Beatrice, you rip off his clothes like he’s a young Herbert Hoover.
FRIEND #3 He’s finally developing a man’s body.
FRIEND #1 And he’ll be dating before you know it.
FRIEND #2 Lock up your daughters... (to Seymour, inquisitively) Or sons?
AGNES SKINNER Sylvia! Stop trying to cash in on the pool.
Seymour shapes his hand into a phone, holds it to his mouth and ear.
SEYMOUR SKINNER Hello, Superintendent Chalmers?
AGNES SKINNER Are you talking to your hand?
SEYMOUR SKINNER No mother, it’s a new faceplate. (on the “phone”) What? An emergency? Good heavens, I’ll have to come to the school right now! (off the “phone”) I have to go mother.
Seymour runs off-screen.
18.
AGNES SKINNER I want proof!
PRINCIPAL SKINNER (O.S.) Goodbye mother.
Agnes shakes her fist in the air.
ANGES SKINNER Notarized!
INT. SPRINGFIELD NUCLEAR POWER PLANT - MR. BURNS’ OFFICE
LEEZA I don’t get it either. Homer contributed less than a thousandth of a percent of this plant's output, but employees are five percent sadder with him dead.
MR. BURNS With all my money, you’d think I would understand.
WAYLAN SMITHERS (sighs) You used the Simpson house when you ran for governor, hit Bart with your car, he gave you his blood- (interrupted)
MR. BURNS Smithers, quit the blabbering retrospective and save the memories for someone who remembers things.
LEEZA Your inability to appreciate the Simpsons is fine, but not acknowledging Homer's death makes everyone else realize they’re just as unappreciated. You need to show his co-workers you care by meeting them someplace on their level.
MR. BURNS Smithers, get the Taurus.
EXT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - AFTERNOON / PLAYGROUND
Nelsen is playing on a swing set.
19.
NELSEN La, la, la, playing on the swings. La, la, la, swingy swingy swing!
SEYMOUR SKINNER (O.S.) Nelsen!!
Seymour walks on-screen covered in graffiti vapor. He holds a canister.
NELSEN What did I do?
SEYMOUR SKINNER In all my years as principal I’ve never seen anything like this.
ANGLE ON school wall, “SKooLz 4 FooLz” is written in graffiti. Dramatic music plays.
NELSEN But Principal Skinner, that’s so lame.
SEYMOUR SKINNER Would you say it's lame this graffiti canister was suspiciously next to your locker? My office, now.
Nelsen runs off-screen crying. ANGLE SEYMOUR
SEYMOUR SKINNER (CONT’D) (menacingly) It begins...
A musical montage is set to “Bad To The Bone”.
INT. CLASSROOM Seymour glues classroom desks shut, he puts a jar of glue in one desk. He hides in the closet as students return; they struggle to open their desktops. Jimbo is able to open his, Seymour leaps out from the closet and reveals the jar of glue in Jimbo's desk to the class. Seymour picks Jimbo up by the back of his shirt; he drags him out of the classroom with one hand and gives his teacher a high-five with the other.
INT. CAFETERIA Seymour rises from beneath a table, throws a cream pie at Kearney and retreats without being noticed. Kearney looks in the direction it was thrown from and sees Millhouse. Kearney throws his lunch at Millhouse as the cafeteria erupts into a food fight. Kearney is about to punch Millhouse when Seymour stops the impending blow. He leads them into a fenced pen filled with other children.
20.
INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT Wearing a black jump suit, Seymour sets a trail of guns, knives, and axes. Fade to the next day, he leads a SWAT Team down the path to a locker, Martin is standing next to it crying. The locker is opened and weapons overflow onto the floor. Martin is dragged away in handcuffs, Principal Skinner shakes Superintendent Chalmers hand.
END montage.
INT. SWITCH HITTERS - NIGHT
Androgynous dance music underscores. Ned Flanders is dressed in normal attire, Patty Bouvier’s fat rolls hang out of a tube top and mini-skirt. Waylan Smithers and John (collectible salesman) dance together in the background. Ned Flanders notices several near-naked women.
NED FLANDERS Those women forgot to wear God’s cloth!
PATTY BOUVIER (sighs) I’ll put your blindfold on.
Patty puts a blindfold on Ned. E-Girl dances on-screen.
E-GIRL Patty, hey, like hi! Your friend’s cute.. (touches Ned) Lets have an intellectual discussion about existentialism.
NED FLANDERS Earplugs, earplugs!
Patty removes the blindfold.
PATTY BOUVIER Ned, forget about God for two seconds!
NED FLANDERS That’s easy for her to say.
E-GIRL What’s wrong?
PATTY BOUVIER My sister passed away and we’re trying to find out what happened.
21.
Ned gives E-Girl a picture of Marge. A gas cloud floats on- screen.
NED FLANDERS Have you seen her?
E-GIRL Yes, yeah, I mean, like I did. We vegged out in the ballpit and she rambled about some conspiracy. I would have listened, but I thought it was this methamphetamine gas talking.
NED FLANDERS (urgently) Wait, you mean we’re breathing in drugs?
E-GIRL Yeah, talk about another hysterical adventure. Flanders and Patty on E, does the insanity ever end?! Drama!!!
E-Girl dances off-screen. Patty and Ned are affected by the gas. Disco Stu dances across the screen.
DISCO STU Disco Stu says drugs ain’t cool.
Madonna’s “Like A Prayer” is played.
PATTY BOUVIER I love Madonna.
NED FLANDERS Me too. What kind of church is this?
Patty and Ned dance, their movements are overexaggerated.
PATTY BOUVIER (laughs, flirtatious) You dance like a woman.
NED FLANDERS You’re close enough.
INT. MOE’S BAR - NIGHT
Carl and Lenny sit at the bar, a picture of Homer doing a kegstand hangs as a memorial centerpiece. Mr. Burns enters.
22.
MR. BURNS Hi-ho, it’s me, your psychotically wealthy boss.
Carl and Lenny leap to the floor and lick Mr. Burns’ shoes.
MR. BURNS (CONT’D) (laughs) On your feet, my shoes won't need a lickin' till Thursday. I'm here on a social call.
LENNY Really? What brings you by Supreme Lord Burns?
MR. BURNS It’s after 5, you can call me Mister Burns.
CARL It sure is nice of you to come here while we’re mourning.
MR. BURNS Homer and I were the best of friends.
Mr. Burns struggles to reach for Lenny’s beer. Waylan Smithers quickly approaches the bar, grabs and gives the mug and an index card to Mr. Burns and runs away.
MR. BURNS (CONT’D) (reading from the index card) Yoink.
CARL Mr. Burns yoinked your beer!
LENNY (to Mr. Burns) Homer must have been like your bastard son!
MR. BURNS Yes, Homer was a bastard, but now that you're consoled I have to get going.
CARL Aren’t you gonna drink a beer with us?
LENNY Yeah, that would show some real sensitivity.
23.
MR. BURNS (groans)
Mr. Burns looks out the window, Leeza is forcefully nodding.
MR. BURNS (CONT’D) Alright, but just one sippy.
Mr. Burns sips the beer and becomes puzzled. He takes a larger gulp.
MR. BURNS (CONT’D) What’s in this?
CARL You mean alcohol?
MR. BURNS I tried it once years ago...
FADE TO THREE HOURS LATER - CONTINUOUS
Mr. Burns, Carl, Lenny are heavily drunk and laughing. Mr. Burns is sitting on a bar stool stuffing his face with pretzels. His stomach has significantly expanded.
ANGLE MR. BURNS
MR. BURNS (CONT’D) And then Smithers told me he wrote a musical about Malibu Stacy, the little girl's doll. Sometimes I wonder about him..
WIDE ON Mr. Burns, Lenny, Carl. Carl and Lenny display contained laughter.
MR. BURNS (CONT’D) He’s right behind me, isn’t he.
WIDE ON Waylan Smithers standing behind Mr. Burns. He is angry and dressed in club attire. Mr. Burns turns his chair and he falls onto Waylan.
ANGLE Mr. Burns, Waylan.
MR. BURNS (CONT’D) Smithers! I want a fag.
WAYLAN SMITHERS (reserved excitement) What?
24.
MR. BURNS Stop playing dumb. I’m drunk and I know you want to light me up.
WAYLAN SMITHERS I don’t know what to say.
Mr. Burns sloppily grabs onto Waylan’s shoulders and stares him in the eyes.
MR. BURNS Shut up and give it to me.
Carl, Lenny lean on-screen. Carl gives Mr. Burns a cigarette.
CARL (British accent) I’ve got one, sir.
LENNY (British accent) Let me give you a light.
Lenny lights the cigarette, Mr. Burns inhales the smoke and exhales on Waylan Smithers. He notices a box of donuts.
MR. BURNS Mmmm... donuts.
Mr. Burns stuffs his mouth with donuts, speaks with his mouth full.
MR. BURNS (CONT’D) (to Lenny and Carl) Who is that strange man?
WAYLAN SMITHERS Montgomery Burns, you’re wasted!
MR. BURNS No, I'm thinking clearly for the first time in nearly a century. This Homer Simpson, I've finally figured him out. His simple life, his donuts, his beer, I've spent my whole life searching for money, and what has it got me? An enormously... large... amount of money, Smithers, this devil's brew has made me forget about my money!
WAYLAN SMITHERS (urgently) Take this sober pill.
25.
Waylan gives Mr. Burns a pill, he swallows it and becomes instantly sober.
MR. BURNS In approaching Homer’s death with compassion I forgot entirely about capitalizing from it! (to Lenny) What if I gave you “Don’t Have A Cow” t- shirt, would that make you feel better?
LENNY I like cows.
MR. BURNS Smithers, get product development on the horn.
WAYLAN SMITHERS Yes, sir!
Waylan picks up Mr. Burns and puts him on his shoulder.
MR. BURNS And get me a new body, this one's contaminated.
Waylan, Mr. Burns exit.
CARL Are we getting free t-shirts?
Carl’s head falls into a bowl of pretzels.
EXT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - MORNING
Seymour Skinner holds a pole attached to a small cage. He approaches Edna Krabappel.
SEYMOUR SKINNER Beautiful day, isn’t it Edna? Where are your students?
EDNA KRABAPPEL Suspended or expelled. (pauses) Why do you have that chicken cage?
SEYMOUR SKINNER (smiles) (looks away) I don’t know.
26.
EDNA KRABAPPEL (looking up) Seymour!
SEYMOUR SKINNER It’s the chickens, isn’t it.
EDNA KRABAPPEL No, look!
ANGLE ON a flock of squawking birds. (P.O.V. bird) approaching the school. (P.O.V. bird’s crap) as it plummets, splashing on Seymour Skinner’s shoulder. A downpour of bird crap besieges the schoolyard. Children panic, Edna and Seymour duck and hide under a jungle gym.
EDNA KRABAPPEL (CONT’D) Seymour, I hate these children just as much as you, but this is borderline insane.
SEYMOUR SKINNER Are you saying I’m responsible?
Scared and clucking chickens rush on-screen.
SEYMOUR SKINNER (CONT’D) (pauses) Okay, maybe I had something to do with the chickens.
ANGLE ON school being covered in bird crap. ANGLE Nelsen laughing, standing under an umbrella.
NELSEN This is so cool.
Seymour startles Nelsen by approaching him from behind.
PRINCIPAL SKINNER Nelsen, what have you done?
NELSEN I didn’t do anything.
FLASHBACK - Nelsen narrates, narration is italicized.
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS Bart is watching TV in the living room, Homer is asleep on the couch. The lights are off.
NELSEN (V.O.) (CONT’D) Tired of juvenile pranks, Bart was inspired by the Discovery Channel.
27.
TV ANNOUNCER (O.S.) Infamous for its habitual excretions, the Mexican Gorcheepla unleashes his gastrointestinal fury on an unsuspecting victim.
BUMBLE BEE MAN (O.S.) ¿¡Por qué nunca tengo respetado?!
BART Hey!...
INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS Bart sits at a desk, surrounded by stacks of books. He reads, draws maps, and drinks from a steaming mug.
NELSEN (V.O.) He devised a plan by uniting with an unlikely adversary.
ANGLE Lisa intensely reading. WIDE ON Lisa at a table by herself. ANGLE Bart pondering, stroking his chin.
NELSEN (V.O.) (CONT’D) His brain.
INT. SEYMOUR SKINNER’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Glass shatters off-screen, the doorbell rings. Seymour Skinner answers, Bart is at the door dressed as a mechanic holding a baseball bat.
BART Did you know that automobile theft is the number one cause of stolen cars in this neighborhood?
SEYMOUR SKINNER I had no idea.
BART With a broken windshield, you’re asking to be a victim.
Seymour notices his car’s front windshield is cracked.
SEYMOUR SKINNER When did that happen?!
BART Kiddo, you're lucky I noticed before someone took your wagon for a joyride.
28.
SEYMOUR SKINNER And you’ll fix it?
BART Bingo.
Bart is shown driving across the Mexican border in a station wagon with a cracked windshield.
NELSEN (V.O.) He drove straight to Mexico.
Bart befriends a group of birds, they laugh and roll in a meadow under a setting sun. 4-WAY SPLIT: Bart empties lunch meat from a sack labeled “PROPERTY OF SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY” on several highways. A flock of birds is shown in flight.
NELSEN (V.O.) (CONT’D) Bart lured his flock with a trail of school lunch meat. It would take months for the birds to reach its source, but he had a vision.
SEYMOUR SKINNER’S DRIVEWAY - AFTERNOON - CONTINUOUS
Bart (dressed as a mechanic) stands next to Seymour’s station wagon, the top is missing. Seymour is furious.
BART You specifically told me you wanted a convertible.
NELSEN (V.O.) One loose end remained.
EXT. SIMPSON HOUSE - DUSK - CONTINUOUS
The Simpson family consoles Bart on their doorstep.
BART (upset) And then Principal Skinner said he’d kill all the other children in his basement. But he’d spare them if you never mention this again.
HOMER (shakes his fist in the air) Damn that Skinner...
29.
The Simpsons walk in the house, Homer slams the door.
END FLASHBACK
EXT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - CONTINUOUS
ANGLE ON NELSEN
NELSEN (sobbing) If only Bart could see the beauty of his masterpiece. (looks at Seymour Skinner) Principal Skinner?
ANGLE SEYMOUR. He’s enraged and shaking, skin bright red.
WIDE ON Nelsen, Seymour.
NELSEN (CONT’D) Principal Skinner??
A wad of bird shit splatters on Seymour’s face.
EXT. SIMPSON HOUSE
WIDE ON to establish. Soothing music plays, ANGLE ON bedroom window.
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
ANGLE Ned Flanders sleeping, rays of morning sunlight wake him. He sits up in bed, he is wearing the same clothes as the day before.
NED FLANDERS (disoriented, groggy) What happened last night?
Dramatic music plays. WIDE ON bed, Patty Bouvier is sitting half under the covers. She is smoking a cigarette.
PATTY BOUVIER (smirking) What didn’t happen.
NED FLANDERS (screams)
PATTY BOUVIER Calm down, you were slightly average.
30.
NED FLANDERS Did we?..
PATTY BOUVIER Hello! I’m smoking a cigarette! (exhales smoke)
NED FLANDERS How could I do something so stupid?! (gasps) Rod, Todd? Oh my God!
PATTY BOUVIER Don’t worry, Selma’s watching them. We came over to Marge’s for some privacy.
WIDE ON the back of a television set.
TV ANNOUNCER(O.S.) Tonight, on “Surprise! Hidden Web Cam Pornography”.
NED FLANDERS (O.S.) I’m so into you, its like I don't even care who you are.
PATTY BOUVIER (O.S.) Flanders, you’re so hot right now. Flanders.
Off-screen kissing noises are made. Ned turns the TV off with a remote.
NED FLANDERS I don’t believe it.
Ned leaps out of bed and searches the garbage.
NED FLANDERS (CONT’D) Holy Jehosephat..
PATTY BOUVIER Ned, you flushed them.
NED FLANDERS No, look at this.
Ned hands Patty a business card. ANGLE ON business card, it reads “Dr. Nick: My diet is so good, I have to be up to something!”
31.
DR. NICK (O.S.) (reads the business card aloud)
WIDE ON bedroom. Dr. Nick is inserted.
DR. NICK (CONT’D) Hi, everybody!
PATTY BOUVIER (puzzled) Hi, Dr. Nick.
NED FLANDERS What are you doing here?
DR. NICK Bye, everybody!
Dr. Nick leaps through the window, breaking the glass.
PATTY BOUVIER (sighs) That happens every time I have sex.
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWO
32.
ACT THREE
FADE IN:
INT. VENTILATION SHAFT
ANGLE ON Patty and Ned crawling.
NED FLANDERS How did you talk me into this??
PATTY BOUVIER Because Patty Bouvier doesn’t normally wake up next to strange men.
MR. BURNS (O.S.) That sounds like a bad setup.
INT. DR. NICK’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
DR. NICK Cloning your body and transplanting your brain? On a scale of one to safe, its an eleven, easy. If you don’t like it I’ll put you back.
MR. BURNS Well, alright then.
Mr. Burns steps into a chamber. Electrical discharges are heard off-screen, the chamber door opens and smoke billows out. Mr. Burns #2 emerges, he speaks with a teenage accent.
DR. NICK All better now?
MR. BURNS #2 Bro, I feel like I’m high.
DR. NICK Perfect! I tidied up all the itty bitties at the Simpson house this morning to be ready for evil later. But we’re scheduled for evil now, lets go.
MR. BURNS #2 Last one out towels the door.
INT. VENTILATION SHAFT - CONTINUOUS
PATTY BOUVIER Move it Flandass, we’ve gotta follow them!
33.
They struggle and fail to turn, then crawl backwards.
INT. KRUSTY STUDIOS - HALLWAY
Patty Bouvier, Ned Flanders, and Chief Wiggum rush the door.
NED FLANDERS They came this way.
INT. KRUSTY STUDIOS - CONTINUOUS
They barge into the studio. The audience (Springfield citizens) is shocked.
CHIEF WIGGUM Heads down, thumbs up!
Sideshow Mel approaches dressed in a monk outfit.
SIDESHOW MEL Please refrain yourself, you'll disrupt the medium.
CHIEF WIGGUM (shrugs) Shneh.
Chief Wiggum sits down. ANGLE ON STAGE.
KRUSTY Hey, hey! Tonight we have six very special guests, but I’m only being paid to introduce you to one. Lets give a big Krusty welcome to Kent Brockman in a segment we’d like to call “Death Chat”.
ANGLE KENT BROCKMAN. The lights dim, new age music plays.
KENT BROCKMAN Is man God’s mistake, or God man’s?
Lights brighten, monkeys wheel a backdrop on stage that features Mr. Burns being overwhelmed with affection by angels and a racially diverse group of children.
KENT BROCKMAN (CONT’D) Hi, I’m Kent Brockman and I’m a psychic now. Thanks to the generous support of the Burns Foundation, we've paid God to be reunited with the Simpson family.
34.
ANGLE REVEREND LOVEJOY, he stands in the audience.
REVEREND LOVEJOY You mean to tell me I haven’t been lying my ass off and there is a God?
KENT BROCKMAN If I told you, that’d be cheating.
ANGLE ON audience, Moe is standing.
MOE Listen Homer, I know this is a bad time with you dead and all but you've got this bar tab I've gotta call you out on, I'm sorry, but its just somethin' I gotta do.
(Kent’s dialogue is italicized when he turns his back to the audience and speaks to a microphone in his shirt. It returns to normal when he is speaking to the audience.)
KENT BROCKMAN What’s that? Homer says to sell his wedding ring. Marge, calm down. Bedroom dresser, bottom drawer, under a porno mag.
ANGLE ON audience, an African-American Smithers is standing.
BLACK SMITHERS You might remember me from the first season, I’m black Smithers- (interrupted)
WIDE ON two large men in suits forcefully grabbing Smithers, they drag him out of the studio.
BLACK SMITHERS (CONT’D) The truth is out there!
ANGLE ON audience, Seymour Skinner is standing. He is covered in bird crap, his hair is muffled.
SEYMOUR SKINNER Bart, you’ve stolen my car, driven to Mexico, and covered me in crap for the last time.
Seymour pulls out a gun and points it at himself.
35.
SEYMOUR SKINNER (CONT’D) Since you can’t be here, I’m coming to kick your ass straight down to hell.
The audience gasps.
KENT BROCKMAN No, wait, he’s sorry. Well if he’s apologizing he must have done it. Homer, not now! He doesn’t want you to kill yourself. He says you’re like the sober father he never had!
HOMER (O.S.) Why you little!!
Homer thrusts Bart through the backdrop, strangling him. Homer & Bart have broken rope wrapped around their wrists. The audience loudly gasps.
The backdrop collapses, Mr. Burns, Marge, Lisa, and Maggie are restrained to a wall. The audience erupts in shock.
KENT BROCKMAN (whistling)
Kent Brockman walks off stage.
ANGLE Ned, Patty, Chief Wiggum approaching the stage. They unravel the ropes restraining the Simpsons and Mr. Burns. The audience gathers around them.
PATTY BOUVIER I can’t believe it, you’re alive!
LISA I don't know what happened, one minute we're eating dinner and now we’re here.
ANGLE ON studio doors, Black Smithers backflips through the doors and to the stage.
BLACK SMITHERS (out of breath) I'll tell you what happened. Like me, you were pulled in by a diet that claimed you could eat all the fatty foods you wanted. (angry) When something appears too good to be true, it usually is.
36.
MARGE What are you talking about?
BLACK SMITHERS We're the victims of a conspiracy bred by the worst kind of super villain, (disgusted) a nutritionist.
HOMER (screams)
MR. BURNS I paid for a new body and Simpsons licensing rights, none of this monkey business. That man's pinky promise meant nothing!
BLACK SMITHERS Bent on world domination, Dr. Nick put mind controlling agents in his low- carb food products. We were drugged, put to sleep, and replaced with clones so no one would notice.
PROFESSOR FRINK I’m afraid there’s more to the cloning process then a little bit Ctrl C, a little bit rock and roll. (laughs) Dr. Nick’s clones are engineered to be manipulated, like Mr. Smithers.
WAYLAN SMITHERS (sobbing) It’s true.
PROFESSOR FRINK But he never perfected the control matrix, if a clone was overcooked it would be as easily influenced as a college student.
BLACK SMITHERS Naturally they’ll overdose on something.
PATTY BOUVIER Oh, that’s why Marge used drugs.
MR. BURNS #2 Sick explanation guys, you have ridiculous perception. (to Otto) Wanna smoke?
37.
A gunshot is heard, Mr. Burns #2 is shot through the heart and collapses into Otto’s arms. All look at the audience, Seymour holds a smoking gun.
ANGLE SEYMOUR
SEYMOUR SKINNER It was an accident, I swear.
ANGLE ON STAGE
NED FLANDERS I'm confused. How did Homer and Bart escape? And didn't they die from drugs, they were infested with parasites. (to Black Smithers) Where have you been all this time, why is your clone white? Does this mean Barney's cloned? Why were the Simpsons cooperating instead of asking Kent or Krusty for help? Are they in on it too? And what about Smithers and Professor Frink?
BLEEDING GUMS MURPHY Man’s got a point.
CHIEF WIGGUM Sort it out all you want, but Wiggum’s got a job to do. Has anyone seen Dr. Nick?
All except Chief Wiggum and Professor Frink point in the direction of the camera angle.
ALL He went that way!
PROFESSOR FRINK (distraught) No, you’re not supposed to point there!!!
All scream, the screen image twists and becomes distorted.
INT. SPRINGFIELD RETIREMENT HOME - NIGHT
Abraham Simpson is sleeping, the lights are off in his room. Abraham screams and leaps out of bed. Jasper opens the door and turns on the lights.
JASPER What’s the matter?
38.
ABRAHAM SIMPSON I just had a terrible nightmare. My son’s family was killed by tomatoes or an evil doctor.
JASPER That’s some dream.
ABRAHAM SIMPSON Well, at least its over.
JASPER Yeah.
Jasper turns off the lights, Abraham gets back into bed.
JASPER (CONT’D) Especially since your son’s family was recently killed by tomatoes or an evil doctor, that’s a coincidence.
Abraham leaps out of bed.
ABRAHAM SIMPSON What?!
Jasper turns the lights on, Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, & Maggie leap out of the closet. An “April Fools” banner drops.
ALL (EXCEPT ABRAHAM) April fools!
ABRAHAM SIMPSON (screams louder)
Abraham collapses. Homer bends down to check his pulse.
HOMER He’s dead! We killed my father!
The room vaporizes into a holodeck, only Homer remains.
INT. HOLODECK - CONTINUOUS
A pressurized door retracts, Kodos and Kang enter.
HOMER (CONT’D) Where am I?
39.
KODOS This will be hard to accept at first, but your entire life has been a holographic simulation.
KANG When your race was eradicated, we rescued you from a dying planet. Being an infant, we decided that you would benefit from ignorance. But we've had a lot of budget cuts recently, and we need some product placement revenue.
Kodos places an “Intel Inside” panel on the holodeck wall.
HOMER You mean my life was an illusion?
KODOS Would you rather we tell you that your body heat is our power source?
Kang displays two pills, ANGLE reflection off a one-eye sunglass lens.
KANG Choose the red pill and you'll discover the truth. Take the blue pill, and believe what you want.
HOMER Which one have more beer?
KODOS (irritated) Just take the blue one.
Homer swallows the pill, ANGLE follows it down his throat. FADE to black.
EXT. SIMPSON HOUSE - MORNING
WIDE ON to establish.
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Homer and Marge are sleeping, sunlight comes in through the window. Homer wakes.
HOMER Marge?
40.
MARGE What is it Homey?
HOMER (disoriented) Nothing, Marge. I love you.
Homer kisses Marge, he gets out of bed and walks downstairs.
LISA It’s Monday, you usually don’t go to work till Friday.
BART Yeah Homer, where ya goin’?
Homer is oblivious to Lisa and Bart, he leaves the house.
INT. MOE’S BAR
CARL Wait, are they dead? Are they alive? Were they ever alive in the first place?
LENNY Eh, who cares, at least we have the memories.
Homer walks on screen and sits at the bar.
MOE Ain’t that the truth. Homer, this round’s on me.
Moe places a full pitcher on the counter. Homer knocks it over against a “Flaming Moe”.
HOMER D’oh!
FADE OUT
END OF ACT THREE