The Simpsons “Insert Title Here” By Jonathan G. Cohen WGAw Registered 06/06/2003 1770 East 54th Street Brooklyn, NY 11234 (718)252-2553 [email protected] 2. “INSERT TITLE HERE” ACT ONE FADE IN: EXT. SIMPSON HOUSE - EVENING WIDE ON HOUSE to establish. Marge opens the front door from within. MARGE Kids! It’s time for family night! Bart and Lisa run inside. Homer and Millhouse approach Marge. HOMER (whining) But Marge, the 10th graders down the block are binge drinking. MARGE I said if I caught you with those 10th graders again that you couldn’t hang out with each other anymore. MILLHOUSE (makes a whipping hand motion, cracking noise) HOMER At least I’m getting some. MILLHOUSE Can I come too? HOMER Family night is for people with families. Children with divorced parents don’t have families. MARGE You’re a bad influence, stay away from my husband. Homer steps inside, Marge shuts the door. ANGLE MILLHOUSE. He is puzzled, a twizzler hangs from his mouth. INT. SIMPSON LIVING ROOM The Simpson family is sitting on the couch. Homer is overly reclined, Bart sinks into the couch. 3. BART Ah, TV Night. What better way to spend time with each other than to not speak at all. HOMER Agreed. Homer lifts Lisa from the couch and places her on his stomach to weigh it down. ANGLE TV SCREEN - CONTINUOUS - The “FOX” emblem rapidly approaches from a vanishing point against a pink background. TV ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Tonight, on “Surprise! Hidden Web-Cam Pornography”. A “Surprise! Hidden Web-Cam Pornography” banner replaces the “FOX” emblem. INT WAYLAN SMITHERS’ APT. - CONTINUOUS Doorbell sound. Waylan Smithers hums an upbeat melody as he energetically walks to the door. He opens it, a woman wearing a bikini and a toolbelt caresses him. CABLE SLUT (seductively) Hi, I’m here to fix your cable.. WAYLAN SMITHERS (pauses) No thank you! Waylan Smithers slams the door shut. INT. SIMPSON LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Marge turns the television off with a remote. MARGE (sighs) So much for family night. HOMER Well I can still watch TV by myself. Homer turns the television on with the remote. LISA I’d better start writing my thesis. 4. Lisa leaves the living room, Homer’s stomach expands. BART The 10th graders are having a keg party, I’m outta here. As Bart is leaving the room, Homer grabs him by the back of his shirt and sets him down on his stomach. HOMER Those 10th graders are Millhouse trash, boy. You’re not old enough for underage drinking yet. BART (angry) You just need me to weigh down your fat so you can see the TV. HOMER (embarrassed) My reasons for securing a tummy weight are my own business. MARGE Bart, go to your room. Bart leaves the room, Homer’s stomach expands. Homer grabs Maggie and places her on his stomach. MARGE (CONT’D) Homer, stop using our children to flatten your stomach. HOMER Why else did we have children? MARGE Try losing some weight. HOMER Shouldst one lose what-ith they’ve gained? MARGE You’re fat. HOMER Pleasantly plump? MARGE Remember that elevator you couldn't use because you put it over the weight limit? 5. HOMER Otis designed his elevators for anorexics and heroin addicts. MARGE You were by yourself. INT. MOE’S BAR - AFTERNOON Homer is sitting on a bar stool. HOMER I need to go on a diet. MOE Just eat what you want and drink till you throw it up. HOMER Doesn’t beer have a lot of calories? MOE Nah Homer, beer doesn’t have a nutritional listing so there ain’t none of them calories to worry about. Barney sits next to Homer, he is noticeably thinner. BARNEY As part of my 12 step program I had to take better care of myself. I stopped eating carbohydrates and lost 23 pounds in two days. MOE Oh yeah, that's the diet for fatties who won't get off their ass. BARNEY I have a genetic predisposition, thank you. You can eat protein and fat, but no bread and- (interrupted) HOMER Ahem-hem. Beer? BARNEY Some liquor’s okay, but no beer. With me sober, Moe would lose his only other source of income. Barney and Homer stare at Moe anticipating a response. 6. MOE (pause) Oh, that’s alright. I just opened a no-carb boutique in the basement. INT. CELLAR - CONTINUOUS Moe, Barney, and Homer stand in a rundown basement by a door. MOE (CONT’D) Well, she ain’t much but here she is. Moe opens the squeaking door. INT. ATRIUM - CONTINUOUS High ceilings and waterfalls define an expansive room with an abundance of trees. Chirping birds land on a cooler containing frozen food, Homer approaches and inspects it. HOMER I can eat all the cheese, meat, and bacon I want?! BARNEY Try some Ceasar-Cola. Barney tosses Homer a can of “Ceasar-Cola”. A fizzing noise is produced as the sodas are opened, they chug the dressing that oozes out. Their waist lines shrink. HOMER (refreshingly sighs) You know, this diet could be just what I’m looking for.. INT. SIMPSON KITCHEN - MORNING Marge is sitting at the kitchen table reading a book titled “Fat = Skinny!” Dr. Nick is on the front cover. Bart and Lisa approach. Lisa places a brown paper bag drenched in oil on the table, cream leaks out from tears on the side. LISA Homer packed my lunch again. BART (whining) My heart hurts. 7. LISA I'm a vegetarian, I can't eat anything here. Homer's cream-ed cheese is disgusting, we’ve barely eaten in days. BART (looking down) I can almost see my feet. MARGE Your father didn’t want food in the house he couldn’t have. (O.S.) - A car screeches to a halt. MARGE (CONT’D) That’s him with breakfast, if he can change so can we. Homer quickly approaches the table holding a plastic bag. He pulls out a steak shaped like a bagel. ANGLE HOMER HOMER Who wants steagels?! O.S. - There is rapid succession of running sounds, a car starting, and a car speeding away. WIDE ON KITCHEN Marge, Bart, and Lisa are removed from the room. HOMER (CONT’D) (confused) Hm. Homer sits at the table and butters a steagel. INT. SUPERMARKET Marge pushes a shopping cart down a frozen foods isle with Bart and Lisa beside her. BART Mom, I want frozen pizza. LISA Do you know what chemicals are in that? 8. BART Yeah, the ones that make food taste good. LISA There's no need to buy food that jeopardizes our long term health. Mom can buy organic food and make a pizza that tastes better. BART I’ll accept your challenge. MARGE And we can make it together, like a real family. This will be a pizza to remember! INT. CHURCH ANGLE ON STAGE A sudden burst of dramatic music accompanies the loud cries of a church audience. Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, & Maggie lie in open caskets. ANGLE ON PULPIT REVEREND LOVEJOY Saying farewell to the Simpsons pains us all. After many perilous adventures, one could never have expected they would be infested with deadly parasites in Lisa's organic tomatoes. Though it feels they'll be found alive somewhere at the end of this tragic episode (pause) of events, they definitely won't. Thank you, and be reassured the Simpsons are dead with this sudden cremation. The floor beneath the caskets retracts, the coffins fall in and flames shoot up. ANGLE ON RETRACTED FLOOR / STAGE BOTTOM Notable characters appearing on The Simpsons walk past the retracted floor. When a person removes him/herself from the procession its forward movement continues. Mr. Burns, Waylan Smithers step out of line. Mr. Burns grips a fish bowl holding “Blinky” in a veil. 9. WAYLAN SMITHERS That was unnecessary. MR. BURNS Homer Simpson was the only worker Section 7G ever had. WAYLAN SMITHERS You remember his name. MR. BURNS In death only. Mr. Burns, Waylan Smithers rejoin the line and walk off- screen. Apu, Snake, Nelsen, Herb Powell, & Sideshow Bob step out. APU (crying) He bought so very much. SNAKE Give me a hug, dude. NELSEN Ha(!)-waaaaaah. HERB POWELL So many years wasted. SIDESHOW BOB So many failed murder attempts. Apu, Snake, Nelsen, Herb Powell, Sideshow Bob rejoin the line and walk off-screen. Moe, Barney, and Duffman step out. MOE The bar just won’t be the same without you. Homer was the only one who would buy expired beer. BARNEY Don’t forget about those 10th graders. MOE Yeah, but it’ll be decades before they have his tolerance. That or college, whichever comes first. DUFFMAN Extreme sadness rages inside of Duffman! If he was human, he would cry! 10. Moe, Barney, Duffman rejoin the line and walk off-screen. Selma Bouvier, Patty Bouvier, Ned Flanders, Todd Flanders, and Dr. Hibbert step out. SELMA BOUVIER (sobbing) I can’t believe they’re really gone. NED FLANDERS It seems like just yesterday Homer jumped the Springfield Gorge. DR. HIBBERT Well, that was yesterday. SELMA BOUVIER (confused) What? DR. HIBBERT Yes, that was yesterday I noticed some troubling information in Marge's autopsy. (laughs) It all could have happened yesterday. I'm sorry if you thought I was implying something. Were you all aware of Marge's (uncomfortable pause) alternative lifestyle? PATTY BOUVIER (shocked) She was gay? DR. HIBBERT (laughs) No, just an E-head. SELMA BOUVIER Marge used ecstasy? That’s crazy! Selma leans towards Dr. Hibbert. SELMA BOUVIER (CONT’D) How’d she take it, straight, bumped or mixed? TODD FLANDERS Selma?? DR.