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The New Hampshire Gazette, Friday, June 19, 2020 — Page 1 We Put the Vol. CCLXIV, No. 20 The New Hampshire Gazette June 19, 2020 The Nation’s Oldest Newspaper™ • Editor: Steven Fowle • Founded 1756 by Daniel Fowle Free! PO Box 756, Portsmouth, NH 03802 • [email protected] • www.nhgazette.com in Free Press The Fortnightly Rant Insurgency Now welve score and four years peat a year to make up for the time ago, smugglers, land grabbers, it took him to recover from an epic farmers,T and shoe makers brought case of gonorrhea. Though he was forth on this continent a new nation, effective early on in his Confeder- conceived in a curiously narrow vi- ate career, he was frequently placed sion of Liberty, and dedicated— under arrest by his superiors. At sev- nominally—to the proposition that eral crucial times, however, he was all men are created equal. unable to perform his duties due to Now we are engaged in a great the lingering effects of his youthful difference of opinion, testing wheth- indiscretion. er that nation can endure much lon- The logistics involved in expung- ger while ten Army posts continue ing Hill’s name alone—post signage, to honor the names of men who stationery, organizational charts, fought against it in a great Civil War. &c., &c.—would be considerable. It would be altogether fitting and But what of, say, Fort Benning? proper for us the living to re-ded- More than twice the size of Fort icate those places. We could give Hill, Benning houses more people them new names, in honor of oth- than Manchester. ers—men, or women, who struggled As things now stand, though, the to complete, rather than halt, the nation is in the uncomfortable— as-yet unfinished work of creating one might say, untenable—position a government of the people, by the of honoring the man who justified people, and for the people. Georgia’s secession thusly: The question is whether such “What was the reason that in- including those named for Confed- Angeles, told the Washington Post. in the World will not be tampered changes can be made without that duced Georgia to take the step erate generals.” National Guard units are typically with. Respect our Military!” difference of opinion boiling over of secession? This reason may be On June 8th, though, Politico re- under the control of state governors. “Respect our Military!” Perfect. into a Civil War re-enactment with summed up in one single proposi- ported that the Secretary of Defense Since the District of Columbia has He’s not channeling his inner Eric life ammunition—an outcome cer- tion. It was a conviction, a deep con- and Secretary of the Army were now no governor, its Guard reports di- Cartman, he is Eric Cartman: a tainly better avoided. One American viction on the part of Georgia, that “open to a bi-partisan discussion on rectly to the President. We have not petulant, two-dimensional cartoon in forty ended up dead during the a separation from the North was the the topic.” seen any reporting to indicate that character—with the authority to first go-round. If a remake produced only thing that could prevent the ab- This surprising announcement the orders for this violation of came unilaterally launch nuclear weapons. a similar result, the loss would be olition of her slavery. …[If abolition came after a week of stories about directly from the Oval Office—yet. On the same day Trump tweeted a equivalent to the combined popu- comes] we will have black governors, U.S. military forces taking contro- Members of Congress and retired demand for respect for “his” military, lations of New Hampshire, Maine, black legislatures, black juries, black versial actions in the nation’s Capitol. officers expressed alarm at the scene. Republicans on the Senate Armed Montana, Rhode Island, Delaware, everything. Is it to be supposed that Perhaps most jarring was a pair Trump, safe within a newly-erect- Services Committee were dissing South Dakota, and Guam. the white race will stand for that?… of District of Columbia National ed Green Zone around the White him. They allowed to pass by a voice When we first wrote about this our men will be compelled to wan- Guard helicopters hovering over House, tweeted praise for the pilots. vote an amendment to the Defense issue, on August 2nd, it seemed der like vagabonds all over the earth; protestors at an extremely low al- Trump had thoughts about re- Authorization Act—put forward by inconceivable that the Pentagon and as for our women, the horrors titude, battering them with rotor naming Army posts, too. The very Sen. Elizabeth “Pocahontas” War- would ever rename even a relatively of their state we cannot contemplate wash, tree limbs, and loose street idea of renaming “These Monu- ren, no less—that would strip Con- minor post such as Fort A.P. Hill— in imagination. …Suppose they el- debris. One was a Lakota medevac mental and very Powerful Bases,” federate names from military bases though there were plenty of reasons evated Fred Douglass, your escaped chopper, marked with large red he tweeted in his inimitable style, within the next three years. why it should. slave, to the presidency? What crosses. which “have become part of a Great Tomorrow, President Cartman It goes without saying that Hill would be your position in such an “Misuse of the red cross symbol American Heritage, and a history will visit Tulsa, which is currently ex- was both a traitor and a loser; that’s event? I say give me pestilence and is prohibited even during peacetime of Winning, Victory, and Freedom” periencing a spike in coronavirus in- true of the whole lot now under dis- famine sooner than that.” by the First Geneva Convention, to was out of the question. His admin- fections. There he will try to assuage cussion. Certain additional factors As recently as February, an Army which the U.S. is a party,” Rachel istration would “not even consider the emptiness within by basking in make Hill a poor role model. One spokesperson had told the website E. VanLandingham, a former Air the renaming of these Magnificent the admiration—and exhalations— of the most notorious carousers in Task & Purpose that it had “no plans Force attorney and professor at the and Fabled Military Installations. of thousands of supporters. his West Point class, he had to re- to rename any street or installation, Southwestern Law School in Los Our history as the Greatest Nation Que sera, sera. The Alleged News® Just Give Us Some Data ll we wanted was one particu- countries of any size. When our more profit-orient- the First World War—that finally OurWorldInData.org has com- lar piece of data: the number Perhaps we’re just slipping. Un- ed colleagues universally adopted a tripped our trigger. piled all the relevant data, from re- ofA Covid-19 deaths per capita in der these conditions…? We’ve been new morbid milestone this week— Getting the answer, it turned out, liable sources, and built an interface the U.S., compared to…let’s just say curious about this for months now, more Americans have now died was easier than we had expected. easy enough even for us to use. We a couple of other places picked at though, and honestly do not recall from Covid-19 than were killed in The answer, however, was worse. dialed in our request, and it returned random. Despite the habitual con- having seen it addressed. We are not this chart—in color. We considered, sumption of mass quantities of news suggesting a conspiracy. We haven’t for consistency, converting the chart and vaguely news-like material, we slipped that much yet. to black and white; color does seem could not recall ever having seen the There does seem to be, though, to help, though. available data sliced that particular less by design than from habit and What it shows is that, at the pan- way. convention, a general reluctance demic’s worst (so far), one Chinese That struck us as odd. What bet- among some news operation— citizen out of every million was dy- ter benchmark could there be for those which one might classify as ing every ten days. judging one country’s performance unavoidable, or ubiquitous—to ask a Meanwhile, out of every million against another? certain sort of question. Some ques- U.S. citizens, nearly ten are dying By quantifying deaths rather than tions yield answers which, if honest every day. total cases, you may assess not just and correct, lead the reader to an Roughly speaking, it appears from the effectiveness of a nation’s efforts uncomfortable choice: existential our inquiry that China and Cuba are to reduce the spread of the virus, but despair, or revolution? both outperforming the U.S. by a also the ability of its health care sys- Other news organizations, of factor of 100 to one. tem to keep those who are infected course, deal with this sort of ques- alive. And, by quantifying deaths tion routinely. For our troubles, we The Alleged News® per capita, you may fairly compare are widely ignored. to page two Page 2 — The New Hampshire Gazette, Friday, June 19, 2020 The Alleged News® though. More likely he was taking from page one his cue from Ronald Reagan, who kicked off his 1980 Presidential The Second Tulsa Massacre campaign with a rally in Neshoba Thanks to thede facto censorship im- County, Mississippi, just a few miles posed on our public schools by the from the site where three civil rights forces of conservatism, few white workers, James Chaney, Andrew Americans were aware until very Goodman, and Michael Schwerner, recently of the bloody 1921 Tulsa were murdered 16 years earlier.