symptoms of codependency

§ Low self-esteem Feeling that you’re not good enough or comparing yourself to others are signs of low self-esteem. Guilt and perfectionism often go along with low self-esteem. If everything is perfect, you don’t feel bad about yourself.

§ People-pleasing It’s fine to want to please someone you care about, but codependents usually don’t think they have a choice. Saying “No” causes them anxiety.

§ Poor boundaries Codependents have blurry boundaries. They feel responsible for other people’s feelings and problems or blame their own on someone else. Some codependents have rigid boundaries. They are closed off and withdrawn, making it hard for other people to get close to them.

§ Reactivity A consequence of poor boundaries is that you react to everyone’s thoughts and feelings. If someone says something you disagree with, you either believe it or become defensive. With a boundary, you’d realize it was just their opinion and not a reflection of you and not feel threatened by disagreements.

§ Caretaking It’s natural to feel empathy for someone, but codependents start putting other people ahead of themselves. In fact, they need to help and might feel rejected if another person doesn’t want help.

§ Control Codependents need to control those close to them, because they need other people to behave in a certain way to feel okay.

§ Dysfunctional communication Codependents have trouble when it comes to communicating their thoughts, feelings and needs. You’re afraid to be truthful, because you don’t want to upset someone else.

§ Obsessions Codependents have a tendency to spend their time thinking about other people or relationships. This is caused by their dependency and anxieties and fears.

§ Dependency Codependents need other people to like them to feel okay about themselves. They’re afraid of being rejected or abandoned, even if they can function on their own.

§ Denial Codependents deny their feelings and needs. Often, they don’t know what they’re feeling and are instead focused on what others are feeling.

§ Problems with intimacy Because of the shame and weak boundaries, you might fear that you’ll be judged, rejected, or left. On the other hand, you may fear being smothered in a relationship and losing your autonomy. This document may be freely downloaded and distributed on the condition there is no change made to the contents. The information in this document is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Not to be used for commercial purposes and not to be hosted electronically outside of the TMS Directory or Metro NeuroHealth, LLC websites. signs of ignored boundaries

Over Enmeshment: This requires everyone to follow the rule that everyone must do everything together and that everyone is to think, feel and act in the same way. No one is allowed to deviate from the family or group norms. Uniqueness, autonomy and idiosyncratic or unusual behaviors are viewed as deviations from the norm.

Disassociation: This is blanking out during a stressful emotional event. You feel your physical and/or emotional space being violated and you tell yourself something like: "It doesn't matter." This ‘blanking out’ results in being out of touch with your feelings about what happened.

Excessive Detachment: This occurs when neither you nor anyone else in the group/family/relationship is able to establish any fusion of emotions or affiliation of feelings. Everyone is totally independent from everyone else and there does not seem to be anything to hold you and them together in healthy union.

Victimhood or Martyrdom: With this, you identify yourself as a violated victim and become overly defensive to ward off further violation. Or it can be that once you accept your victimization, you continue to be knowingly victimized and then let others know of your martyrdom.

Chip on the Shoulder: This is reflected in your interactions with others. Because of your anger over past violation of your emotional and/or physical space, and the real or perceived ignoring of your rights by others, you have a "chip on your shoulder'' that declares "I dare you to come too close!''

Invisibility: This involves you pulling in or over-controlling so that others, even yourself, never know how you are really feeling or what you are really thinking. Your goal is not to be seen or heard so that your boundaries are not violated.

Aloofness or Shyness: This is a result of your insecurity from real or perceived experiences of being ignored or rejected in the past. This feels like a violation of your efforts to expand or stretch your boundaries to include others in your space.

Cold and Distant: This builds walls or barriers to ensure that others do not permeate or invade your emotional or physical space. This too can be a defense, due to previous hurt and pain, from being violated, hurt, ignored or rejected.

This document may be freely downloaded and distributed on the condition there is no change made to the contents. The information in this document is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Not to be used for commercial purposes and not to be hosted electronically outside of the TMS Directory or Metro NeuroHealth, LLC websites. boundary assessment

SYMPTOM/THOUGHT/BEHAVIOR never seldom sometimes often always

I can’t make up my mind

I have difficulty saying “no” to people

I feel as if my happiness depends on other people

It’s hard for me to look a person in the eyes I often find myself getting involved with people who end up hurting me I would rather attend to others than attend to myself

Others’ opinions are more important than mine

People take or use my things without asking

I have difficulty asking for what I want or need

I lend people money and don’t seem to get it back on time

I feel ashamed

I feel bad for being so “different” from others

I feel anxious, scared or afraid I spend my time and energy helping others so much that I neglect my own needs It’s hard for me to know what I believe and what I think I often feel as if my happiness depends on circumstances outside of me I feel an emptiness as if something is missing in my life

I have a hard time knowing how I really feel

It’s hard for me to make decisions

I get angry

I don’t get to spend much time alone

I tend to take on the moods of people close to me

I have a hard time keeping a secret

I am overly sensitive to criticism

I feel hurt

I tend to stay in relationships that are hurting me

This document may be freely downloaded and distributed on the condition there is no change made to the contents. The information in this document is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Not to be used for commercial purposes and not to be hosted electronically outside of the TMS Directory or Metro NeuroHealth, LLC websites. crossing boundaries

The boundary being crossed: The action I will take: enabling worksheet date my enabling behavior my motives/thoughts my feelings at the time how my enabling behavior hurt me

This document may be freely downloaded and distributed on the condition there is no change made to the contents. The information in this document is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Not to be used for commercial purposes and not to be hosted electronically outside of the TMS Directory or Metro NeuroHealth, LLC websites. personal rights

1. I have the right to ask for what I want.

2. I have the right to say no to requests or demands I can’t meet.

3. I have the right to change my mind.

4. I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.

5. I have the right to follow my own values and standards.

6. I have the right to express all of my feelings, both positive or negative, in a manner that

will not harm others.

7. I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe, or it violates

my values.

8. I have the right to determine my own priorities.

9. I have the right not to be responsible for others’ behavior, actions, feelings or problems.

10. I have the right to expect honesty from others.

11. I have the right to feel angry at someone I love and to express this in a responsible

manner.

12. I have the right to be uniquely myself.

13. I have the right to feel scared and say “I’m afraid.”

14. I have the right to say “I don’t know.”

15. I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings, beliefs, and values.

16. I have the right to my own reality.

17. I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.

18. I have the right to be playful and frivolous.

19. I have the right to be healthy.

20. I have the right to be in a non-abusive environment.

This document may be freely downloaded and distributed on the condition there is no change made to the contents. The information in this document is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Not to be used for commercial purposes and not to be hosted electronically outside of the TMS Directory or Metro NeuroHealth, LLC websites. healthy vs unhealthy love

HEALTHY LOVE IS… UNHEALTHY LOVE IS…

Caring Selfish

Honesty Manipulation

Trust Deception

Respect Disrespect

Friendship Jealousy

Openness Secretive

Pleasure Pain

Communication Violence

Giving Always Taking

Safety Fear

Selfless Self-Centered

Forgiving Holding Grudges

This document may be freely downloaded and distributed on the condition there is no change made to the contents. The information in this document is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Not to be used for commercial purposes and not to be hosted electronically outside of the TMS Directory or Metro NeuroHealth, LLC websites.